The Gist: Game 3

Better strap in, because we have a whole lot of ground to cover.

What Happened: Holy crap, what didn't happen? Let's take a look at this in a pro/con way.

PRO - The Cubs offense continued to roll, putting up 7 runs against Arizona starter Rubby De La Rosa and made what looked like a disaster of a game into more of a laugher than one would have thought after 3 innings.

CON - Schwarber's misadventures in left field had their first negative impact on a game since the Mets playoff series last year. Hey, it only took 3 games! At this point, I don't know what to do with Schwarber and I honestly feel for the kid. He's trying so hard to get better in left and at catcher, but the truth might be that he's just not that good at either one. Big Toe's collision in the outfield left him with a sprained ankle, so it could have been much worse.

PRO - The Cubs spent a boatload of money to bring in both Heyward and Zobrist in the offseason to give this lineup even more OBP threats, and they both showed exactly what they can do last night, combining for 3 hits and a whopping 5 walks. That's how you put up 14 runs a game: You work a ton of counts and chase the starter and feast on the bullpen. The Cubs did both, pouring on an additional 7 insurance runs on the unsuspecting Arizona bullpen. Expect to see that a lot this year.

CON - John Lackey did not look sharp from the outset, giving up 6 ER in his first 3 innings as a Cub.

PRO - The Arizona lineup is deep and pretty good themselves, so this kind of thing happens. Also, Lackey eventually got into a groove and retired 11 of the last 12 batters he faced. Give him a pass. Everyone is nervous on the first day of school.

ANOTHER PRO - The bullpen continues to be lights out, posting 3 more hitless, scoreless innings. If you take away Lackey's first 3 innings tonight, the Cubs have surrendered 1 ER in 24 innings.

Who Should NOT Be Shitting Their Pants This Morning: Cubs fans. Yeah, yesterday wasn't the best game ever, especially in the first few innings. But the Cubs won, and there are gonna be a whole lot of games this year where the Cubs offense is simply going to have to out-slug the other team and we did just that. Schwarber will be ok (from early reports) and the Cubs have tons of depth, with Jorge Soler able to step into left field for the time being.

It's the Cubs and not everything went right last night, so there's a tendency to over-react (more on that in a second), but there's nothing to worry about. The Cubs are still great and one of their strengths is the depth they have, both in the rotation and in the outfield. We're going to be fine. Hell, we still haven't lost a game!

Who SHOULD Be Shitting Their Pants This Morning: Diamondbacks fans. Sure, there's a whole lot of season left, but what looked like a magical run through 2016 has gone about as bad as possible so far in the desert. The Diamondbacks are 1-3, losing their first series to the woeful Rockies. AJ Pollock is out until ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Their big offseason additions on the pitching side (Grienke, Shelby Miller) both got shelled their first times out. I'm not counting the Diamondbacks out by any means, but this is sure not the start to the season they wanted.

MVP: Anthony Rizzo, who tied his career high with 6 RBI to go along with a triple and a home run.

LVP: Anyone and everyone that took all of 20 innings this season before getting sand blasted directly into their vaginas and claiming that the sky is falling.

SECOND PLACE:

Man, Rob totally called it, and that...what? Oh, he tweeted this after the Schwarber/Fowler collision in the outfield? Chalk up another win for Captain Hindsight! Hold on a second, I'm going to tweet out something about how our 2003 invasion of Iraq will someday be seen as not super smart now.

FIRST PLACE:

My favorite thing about this tweet is that the Cubs would go on to score 12 more runs immediately following that tweet. For those of you who don't know Nick Vlahos, he's a writer for the Peoria Journal Star. He's also a human penis.

Look, Nick...I know you're just trying to get a rise out of people, and by typing anything about you, I realize I'm doing exactly what you want. But when the Cubs win this year, you don't get to enjoy it. You're a living, breathing Yahoo Answers thread and the lowest example of your profession. Just stop being a dick (obviously not talking about the shape of your head, as I know there's nothing you can do about that).

Turns out they still are the Cubs though. The team that is averaging 10 runs a game so far. And it's not the sky that's falling, it's humanity's opinion of you as a human being.

YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Cubs continue to have games at the worst times for those of us in the CST. Game 2 against the Diamondbacks tonight at 8:40. Kyle Hendricks takes on Robbie Ray. Rizzo has always mashed against lefties, so don't be too surprised if he goes deep again.

David Ross Is Already Giving Ben Zobrist Shit Because He Can

Think back to last season. Whenever a Cubs player would reach on a hit, what would they do? If you can't remember, you should be ashamed of yourself because they got a whole lot of hits last year.

I'll give you a hint:

That's right, the old helmet rub. We all know what happened soon after: the helmet rub became a national sensation, selling out county fairs across the nation and spawning two Top 40 hits before all was said and done. Kids all across the nation were all 'Doing the rub!'

Sadly, The Rub overdosed on heroin and is no longer with us for the 2016 season. But the Cubs may have found a new on-base tradition and it may be at newcomer Ben Zobrist's expense.

Think back to Monday night when Zobrist was picked off at first during an Anthony Rizzo at-bat. What did Zobrist do his next time on base? He double checked with the bench on where he should stick around if he didn't want to get picked off.

"So I stay right here?"

The next night we got the same thing from David Ross...

...and again from David Ross.

Maybe with this being his last season, Grandpa Rossy is feeling a little more feisty. And why not? The one constant at Cubs Convention this year was hearing from many of the players that David Ross is definitely the craziest player on the team. Maybe it's Ross' new guy hazing for Zobrist. Either way, pay close attention to what the other Cubs do when they get on base (which should be a whole lot).

The Gist: Game 2

Welcome to The Gist! Thunder Matt's Saloon readers of yore will recognize this game recap as the most inconsistent thing we've ever done. So why do I think I can tackle a game-by-game recap over an entire regular season? Because it's 2016 and I can write this from the bus every day. That said, this will most likely be pretty phoned-in. Let's do it!

What Happened: Take Monday night's game, sprinkle in a tad more power and a smidge less pitching, and you've got Tuesday's impressive 6-1 win over the Angels, sweeping the short series in Anaheim.

I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but the Cubs offense went out and did exactly what they did on Monday night: work favorable counts, get on base and score runs. The twist? It was Matt Szczur and David Ross that got the party started at the bottom of the order. Maddon gave the starting nod to Szczur over Schwarber based solely on Szczur's alma mater Villanova winning the NCAA tournament on Monday night, and Szczur took full advantage going 2-4 and scoring twice to go with his solo homer. Szczur now has 4 RBI in 2 games. And he's our 5th outfielder.

Not only did Rizzo and Fowler also homer, but they did so with men on base, which is how you're going to beat the Mets and Nationals of the world.

Say it together, because I know you know these words by now: The Cubs will score a metric shit ton of runs this year.

Oh Yeah, That Other Awesome Thing: Jon Lester threw 7 innings of one run ball, striking out 4. Yet again, we were able to get our starter out of the game before they hit 100 pitches. That all adds up over the course of the season. Cahill, Wood and Strop combined for two perfect innings of relief and I cannot remember the last time I viewed the Cubs bullpen as an actual strength. We're only 2 games in and things are already getting weird.

MVP: Have to give it to Lester here. He was in control the entire night and actually looked pretty great in every inning but the sixth.

LVP: Andrew Heaney's bloody nose. He leads the league in bloody noses for now. And the cotton that was just flowing out of his nose all night was a disgusting sight to behold. Look at this thing. It looks like your uncle's unkempt nose bush:

Fun Fact: With two games in the books, the Angels offense has seen 228 pitches. The Cubs offense has seen 312. That's what happens when you have a lineup that can have that One Big Inning (copyrighting that this season) at any time.

BOLD-ISH PREDICTION: Kris Bryant doesn't have a hit so far this season, but he's really been making some great contact, so I predict he hits 3 home runs against the Diamondbacks this weekend.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Cubs head out to Arizona to take on the Diamondbacks for 4 games starting Thursday night at 8:40 CST.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Pittsburgh Pirates

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time to talk about the fucking Pirates.

Hey it's Sid Bream, Pittsburgh fans' favorite Pirate!

2015 Finish: 98-64 (2nd Place in NL Central)

So Long: Joe Blanton, A.J. Burnett, J.A. Happ, Corey "Midget Face" Hart, Aramis Ramirez, Joakim Soria, Pedro Alvarez, Neil Walker, Charlie Morton

Welcome: Jon Niese, Juan Nicasio, Ryan Vogelsong, John Jaso, Neftali Feliz, Matt Joyce, David Freese

Opening Day Lineup
1. John Jaso, 1B
2. Andrew McCutchen, CF
3. David Freese, 3B
4. Starling Marte, LF
5. Francisco Cervelli, C
6. Gregory Polanco, RF
7. Josh Harrison, 2B
8. Jordy Mercer, SS

Starting Rotation: Francisco Liriano, Gerrit Cole, Jon Niese, Jeff Locke, Juan Nicasio
Setup: Tony Watson
Closer: Mark Melancon

The Pirates won 98 games last year. It was the most since 1991. It got them to the Wild Card game where the Jake Arrieta promptly squashed all their hopes and dreams.

Fin.

So now it's 2016 and the Pirates should be ready for another trip to the postseason right? Yeah, probably not. While the rotation still has Liriano and Cole at the top, and the bullpen's one-two punch of Watson and Melancon will shut games down for them no problem, this offense.... eeeehhhh.

Gone are their 3rd and 4th best guys in RBI last year in Pedro Alvarez and Neil Walker. To replace them they got John Jaso and Josh Harrison. Hmmm I'm not thinking the same amount of runs are gonna be driven in by those two. They added David Freese at 3B since Jung Ho Kang's leg isn't quite back to 100% after Chris Coghlan destroyed it last year. Freese wouldn't make most MLB rosters and yet he's the Pirates Opening Day 3B. Also Clint Hurdle is a dullard. The Pirates have made it to the postseason in spite of him. When it push comes to shove he can't manage his way out of a wet paper sack.

So I hope you enjoyed the last couple years Pirates fans, because it's over. You had your chance and missed it. And now your management thinks they can keep winning by slapping together low-rent pieces of trash on this slowly sinking ship. Look me in the eyes and tell me this lineup is better than what you had last year. Yeah. But you did just sign Gregory Polanco long-term. That'll be a nice tradeable contract in two years when you guys are scrapping this team for parts.

Reason to Watch: Gerrit Cole. Dude's has turned into a perennial Cy Young candidate. Good luck next season when he hits his arbitration years. I'm sure Scott Boras will get his guy a fair price.

Reason To Drink: John Jaso's fucking hair.

Fucking white guy dreads! All he needs is some patchouli oil and one of those hooded rug shirts and he's the guy at your corner record store. Good god man. Have some self-respect.

The Fans: They all seem like nice enough people. I feel sorry for them though. Their franchise has bumped it's payroll up to not quite $100 million and still have very little to show for it. Paying 18 shitty to kind of mediocre guys $3 million a year doesn't make your team better. Fucking figure out your finances Pittsburgh and invest in something better.

Their Worst Contract: I'd say paying $8 million for Michael Morse to be awful this season, only the Dodgers are footing that bill. So actually there isn't a really bad contract here, mostly due to them being massive tightwads and not spending any money.

Fantasy Standout: Gerrit Cole. Like I said before, the dude is a stud. That McCutchen guy ain't too bad either.

Fantasy Bust: Josh Harrison. 2014 was his peak and it wasn't even that impressive of one. Expecting those numbers again is foolish.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The part in Flowers for Algernon where Charlie realizes his newfound brilliance is fleeting. Sorry Pittsburgh. Soon enough you'll be back to being a retarded janitor again.

And you think I'll win a pennant race against that mouse?

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Washington Nationals

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series. Except Muldoon is a shiftless layabout, even by Saloon standards. So this one is kind of out of order. If we gave unreasonable hope to any Nationals fans, at least that would be a confirmation that they exist. 

Today, we cast our gaze to the nation's capitol to try and figure out where that burning garbage smell is coming from.

2015 Finish: 83-79, 2nd in NL East

So Long: Ian Desmond, Doug Fister, Nate McLouth, Casey Janssen, Denard Span, Dan Uggla, Jordan Zimmermann, Yunel Escobar, Drew Storen

Welcome: Chris Heisey, Yusmeiro Petit, Stephen Drew, Daniel Murphy, Ben Revere, Bronson Arroyo

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ben Revere. OF
2. Anthony Rendon, 3B
3. Bryce Harper, OF
4. Ryan Zimmerman, 3B
5. Daniel Murphy, 2B
6. Jayson Werth, OF
7. Danny Espinoza, SS
8. Wilson Ramos, C

Starting Rotation
1. Max Scherzer
2. Stephen Strasburg
3. Gio Gonzalez
4. Joe Ross
5. Tanner Roark

Bullpen
Oliver Perez, Burke Badenhop, Blake Treinen, Assorted Bits and Pieces

Closer
Dickface Papelbon

Rap Lyric: "Yep listening to nothing, taking no suggestions/Or destructive criticisms, that can't improve on perfection"

- MF Doom, "The Drop"

This incredibly talented team had a nightmare 2015 that would probably give Cubs fans pause if not for the smooth, sensual vibe of Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo Maddon. They had a lot of hitting, a lot of pitching, and a vulnerable division. They proceeded to trade for Sentient Prostate Cancer to close out games, drop a whole bunch of games to New York (eh) and Miami (yikes), and miss out on the playoffs in what was loudly proclaimed Their Year. They went 35-40 after the ASB, the closer everyone warned them would be locker room cancer decided to try and choke out their only bright spot, and Washington fans started eyeing the exits to go back into 2005-2011 cryosleep.

So how do you salvage this talented mess? Dusty Baker! TMS actually obtained some exclusive footage from the executive suite moments after the call was made to hire Dusty as the new skipper:

"Can't take too many walks. It clogs up the bases. NATITUDE!"

Reason to Watch: Bryce Harper. Baseball's maybe the only place in life where I could stand more self-regarding youth wrecking up the place. Anything that makes desiccated old baseball writers drop their monocles into their prune-tinis is a-okay with Muldoon. I hope he hits a 700 foot home run, dances for six minutes, then burns a Joe DiMaggio jersey on home plate. Now that Sleeper Agent Papelbon failed to succeed in his Manchurian Candidate choke-assassination, none are safe from the mohawked barbarian tearing down the game's most hallowed unwritten rules. My prediction for 2015: he hits .400 and then smashes Ted Williams' frozen head with a Gallagher hammer at the press conference.

Reason to Drink: You know how on the earlier seasons of Mad Men, Freddy Rumsen degenerated from a respected account man to a guy who got fired for peeing his pants in front of a client one too many times? That's what's happening here, in extreme slow motion from 2012 until now.

The Fans: D.C.'s core baseball demographic is mostly made up of 23-year old kids making 19 grand a year to advise congressman and senators on matters of important public policy. I find that fucking terrifying, but my point is that people come into this town with pre-formed allegiances to other teams. Hell, there's a sizable Orioles contingent in the district, and that team's a sadness factory. Joining the Tiny Legislative Children is the super-rich (lawyers, lobbyists, lawyerbists), who give even less of a shit. The remainder is people who want to glom onto a team that might win something, but that's hardly unique to the District.

Give us a couple years of Dustyball and we can probably downgrade this section to "The Fans (Tim, Carol, Reggie, and Ben With the Lazy Eye)."

Worst Contract: There's $21 million going to Methuselah Werth. There's a very good chance that they end up paying him $2 million per homer this year, with a million left over for looking like the lost Avett Brother.

After this year, Bryce Harper is going to cost far, far more than $5 million, and there's a $42 million per year Max Scherzer Bomb waiting in the wings for when the 2019-2021 years when he starts to age and pitch like Expensive Jason Marquis. Should be fun!

Fantasy Standout: BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP.

Let's bong some Mountain Dew Kickstart and punch a police horse.

Fantasy Bust: Did anyone remember to oil Strasburg before it started raining? No? Did you at least throw a tarp over him? Well, shit.

Pop Culture Equivalent: Rome. The end of it, when stuff was on fire and Emperor Nero was playing a fiddle song about how The Big Red Machine could beat any of these showboat sissy-boy teams. ON-BASE PERCENTAGE DON'T WIN BASEBALL, GEEKS!

The Gist: Game 1

Welcome to The Gist! Thunder Matt's Saloon readers of yore will recognize this game recap as the most inconsistent thing we've ever done. So why do I think I can tackle a game-by-game recap over an entire regular season? Because it's 2016 and I can write this from the bus every day. That said, this will most likely be pretty phoned-in. Let's do it!

What Happened: A near-flawless game and the exact scenario we all got hot in the pants for during the offseason. Dominant starting pitching? Check. Effective bullpen? Check. Score lots of runs? You betcha!

Let's start with the game MVP: Jake Arrieta. Jake Arrieta is the best pitcher in baseball right now. Yes, Clayton Kershaw is great and we even got to watch his latest Opening Day masterpiece nationwide since ESPN was carrying their game last night. I'll take Arrieta every day of the week right now. I think his eventual wearing down in the playoffs last year had the silver lining of really shining a light on making sure he's rested and fresh as can be throughout the season. What we got was vintage Arrieta: 7 IP, 2 hits, 1 walk, 7K in a tidy 89 pitches. Sure, the Opening Day CGSO would have been awesome to go for, but being able to get Jake the win and limit his workload is best in the long run. A World Series ring is something much more memorable than that shutout would have been. Arrieta was dominant. And yes, the Angels aren't exactly lighting the world on fire with a lineup that has Daniel Nava batting second and Johnny Giavotella batting anywhere. But did you see the changeup Jake used to strike out Mike Trout in the 4th inning? Disgusting.

And why was Arrieta able to leave the game so early? Because the bats did what we all wanted the bats to do. This is exactly what we all envisioned when high-OBP threats like Zobrist and Heyward were brought in. The theme for the entire season was yesterday's top of the 4th inning, when the Cubs seemed to work every count full (even two where they were down 0-2) and just wore Garrett Richards right out. And Richards is pretty good. Imagine how tough this lineup is going to be on the average (or below average) (or below below average) (or even the Brewers') pitchers.

Shout Out To: MIGMON! This glorious son of a bitch launched the season's first Cubs home run and drove a stake into the heart of the Angels' chances of coming back in this one. Remember: MIGMON is a .350 OBP and potential 17-20 homer catcher. And he's going to be our #7 hitter this season. The Cubs are going to score a whole lot of runs.

What Went Right: Everything. The Cubs were in control of this game from the get-go and never gave it up. As close to a perfect game without being a Perfect Game.

What Went Wrong: Not a ton. If you want to nitpick, the Cubs did strike out a lot. But we knew that about them. And Garrett Richards throws 97 mph. Lots of people are going to strike out against that.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Angels again at 9:05 PM CST. LA is starting something called an Andrew Heaney and the Cubs throw out Jon Lester.

TMS Late Night: Bud Norris' Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce

Braves, uh, star I guess Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. Anyway, in honor of his upcoming start on Wednesday, we asked him to rank his Top 5 types of lettuce:

Hey y'all. Bud Norris here. The TMS guys asked me to rank my favorite types of lettuce. I can never say no to talkin' 'bout lettuce, so here you go.

5. Romaine - Not very good, but if you throw the green out and just eat the whites then it's OK I guess. My aunt used to cook up a romaine casserole with the white parts, cashews, and French's yellow mustard. That takes me back.

4. That Stuff in the Cold Slaw - I don't know how they do that cold slaw stuff. Some magic I guess. Anyway, if you find you need some lettuce and can only find cold slaw, you can rinse the white stuff off and just munch of the lettucy thing. I don't eat them carrots neither.

3. Kale Chips Soaked in Milk - Kale kinda looks like lettuce, but I don't know. I'm not science guy. I was tellin' my teammates though how I like to buy the Kale Chips down at the Trader Joe and soak 'em in milk. That puts the water back in it and it tastes super close to iceberg.

2. Iceberg in the Sack - When you can't get the real deal, the iceberg in the sack will do fine. I can't eat it like an apple though so it's always gonna be my number 2.

1. Fresh Iceberg - You could put this on anything. Sandwiches, chicken tenders, what have you. Me? I don't think it needs nothin'. I just put the entire head in my lunch pail and munch away when I need a quick pick me up.

"Ooh, heaven is a place on earth" - Nud Borris looking at a lettuce field

also Belinda Carlisle

IT'S OPENING DAY!

Fire up Yahoo's Stattracker and have a beer or two too many at lunch today - the road to the 2016 World Series starts today.

You obviously know how I feel about this season, so you don't need any further predictions from me. But there are certain ways that this season could start that may have some of the more bandwagon-y fans itching for Notre Dame football to start come June*. The important thing to remember is that baseball is a loooooooong season and between statistical variance and injury risk, a lot of crazy shit can happen.

*A lot of people would say clearing out some of the band-wagoners would be a good thing, but I disagree. This used to be something I could spew the hottest, fresh out of the oven takes on, but I feel like I'm old enough to really not give two shits about. I'm certainly not one of those 'Baseball Is Dying In America' truthers, but having more eyes on baseball in general...that's never a bad thing.

Really, there are only 3 ways that this season can start, and I can walk you through all of them. Feel free to print this out and have in a safe place as a guide to get you through any of the following scenarios for the 2016 Cubs over the first month or so:

1. The Cubs start out red-hot, going into May with a record of 18-6

Obviously this would be the best case scenario. But like I said, it's a very long season. One thing to keep in mind is that the Cubs have a very favorable first month, playing a whopping 17 games against the potentially-terrible Angels and the definitely-terrible Reds, Brewers, Rockies and Braves. So if they tear their way through April and then lose three of their next four series to start May (2x Pirates, Nationals), DO NOT PANIC. There are still over a hundred games on the schedule.

And don't get too cocky. We don't want to be the team everyone hates. The Cubs making a run at the World Series in 2016 is a story that everyone in the country outside of St. Louis can get behind. Let's not burn all that goodwill being asshats.

2. The Cubs Finish April Under .500

Hey, it could happen, and you need to be prepared for that so you don't drink everything under the sink. A month under .500 is less noticeable in July or August but it still counts the same in the standings. Remember the 2008 Cubs? Remember how they played pretty uninspired ball for the first 5-6 weeks of the season? They went into the first weekend of May at 18-14, a decent record, but not what you would expect from a World Series contender. They then went on to win 79 more games, finishing the year with 97 and the best record in the NL.

3. The Cubs limp into May in last place in the NL Central

The only way for this to happen would be if the Cubs not only lost their matchups with the Diamondbacks and Cardinals, but also the aforementioned Brewers and Reds. Yes, the Brewers and Reds that may both challenge 100 losses this season.

Panic. Dear sweet Jesus, panic. I couldn't handle this.

(Dies)

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Toronto Blue Jays

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head north to look at the Toronto Blue Jays.

I need the biggest Canadian flag you have...No, that's too big.

2015 Finish: 93-69, 1st in the AL East

So Long: Darwin Barney, Mark Buehrle, LaTroy Hawkins, Munenori Kawasaki, Dioner Navarro, Cliff Pennington, David Price, Ben Revere, Maicer Izturis

Welcome: Jesse Chavez, J.A. Happ, Casey Kotchman, Fausto Carmona, Junior Lake, Drew Storen, David Aardsma, Gavin Floyd, Dominic Brown, Jesus Montero

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com):
1. Kevin Pillar, CF
2. Josh Donaldson, 3B
3. Jose Bautista, RF
4. Edwin Encarnacion, DH
5. Troy Tulowitzki, SS
6. Chris Colabello, 1B
7. Russell Martin, C
8. Michael Saunders, LF
9. Ryan Goins, 2B

Starting Rotation: Marcus Stroman, R.A. Dickey, Marco Estrada, J.A. Happ, Aaron Sanchez
Bullpen: Drew Storen, Jesse Chavez, Brett Cecil, Aaron Loup, Ryan Tepera, Steve Delabar
Closer: Roberto Osuna

Rush Lyric Because It’s Canada:

Sorry. Rush sucks and we all know it.
 - Rush Sucks, Governor X

President Alan Alda’s poll numbers are down in the dumps. The economy is sputtering along because the Cold War has ended and all the big defense plants are shutting down. In a desperate attempt to revive his political career, the president’s team concocts a hilarious plot to start a new cold war with Canada.

Meanwhile in Niagara Falls, Sheriff John Candy has his hands full when Deputy Rhea Perlman is arrested and held by Canadian authorities. He and his rag tag crew plan a covert mission to sneak behind Canadian lines and rescue their comrade. At one point, Ontario police officer Dan Aykroyd  pulls them over and makes them translate their “Canada sucks” graffiti into French in accordance with Canadian language laws.

Canadian Bacon is truly an underrated gem. 3.5 maple leafs out of 5

Reason To Watch: They might win the World Series, so there’s that.

Reason To Drink: That pitching staff looks like a whole lotta fart noise to me after Stroman. Yes, fart noise has a particular look. If they don’t win the World Series, that’s probably going to be the reason.

The Fans: Several times in the last year, I’ve been asked if I am Canadian. I don’t know why. I'm pale, but not that pale. Well, yes I am actually. Anyway, I’ve decided to lie and say yes, so I’ve even come up with a convincing back story. Part of the lie will be to say I’m a Blue Jays fan, because literally everyone from Canada is. You can’t argue that. It’s Canadian science. Oh Canada, our home and native land…

Their Worst Contract: This is a tough one because I’m not sure what today’s exchange rate is, but I feel like $20 million a year for Troy Tulowitzki seems high, even if it’s in Canadian dollars.

Fantasy Standout: If you league awards points for bat flipping, which it should, Jose Bautista is a keeper. He’s pretty good swinging the bat too.

Fantasy Bust: The fact that R.A. Dickey throws a knuckleball should keep him from turning into complete garbage in spite of his age, but he’ll still be at least partial garbage. Think of him as the recycling bin. It’s not quite trash, but it still goes out to the curb.

The Pop Culture Equivalent Of This Team Is: DeGrassi Jr. High - Canadian show that some people get excited about for some reason but in the grand scheme of things is completely irrelevant. So says Jake the Terrible Cubs fan anyway. I’ve never heard of it, but apparently Drake was on it, so I’m guessing it was lazy and terrible like he is.

By posting this picture, we just lost every white reader over 50.

You Make the Call

Rick Sutcliffe

or Rick Sutcliffe?

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 New York Yankees

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head to the Bronx and talk about the Yankees

2015 Finish: 87-75 (2nd Place in AL East)

So Long: Stephen Drew, Chris Young the Outfielder, Andrew Bailey, John Ryan Murphy, Adam Warren, Justin Wilson

Welcome: Aaron Hicks, Starlin Castro, Aroldis Chapman

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
2. Brett Gardner, LF
3. Carlos Beltran, RF
4. Mark Teixeira, 1B
5. Alex Rodriguez, DH
6. Brian McCann, C
7. Chase Headley, 3B
8. Starlin Castro, 2B
9. Didi Gregorius, SS

Starting Rotation: Masahiro Tanaka, Michael Pineda, Luis Severino, Nathan Eovaldi, CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova
Setup: Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller
Closer: Chokey McBangbang

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Plus you're getting old... Stop it, everybody knows that you've lost it"

   -Atmosphere, "Little Man"

The Yankees haven't been bad per se, but they're not all that great either. The past three seasons have been right around 85 wins and just missing the playoffs. The team is full of aging vets locked into massive contracts, so bringing in talent to help has slowed to a trickle. Starlin Castro was their big offseason acquisition. Not terrible by any means, but not exactly the the splashy move the franchise is known for.

So we're back for more of the same in 2016, with everyone a little older and little more broken down. Everyone but Didi and Starlin are over 30. It'll be a miracle if all these guys can reach 120 games let alone more. The pitching staff has some bright spots with Michael Pineda and Luis Severino but also full of question marks with Masahiro Tanaka (elbow?), Nathan Eovaldi (talent?), and CC Sabathia (sobriety?).

Can they win 85 games and make a run at the playoffs again? Sure. But they could also completely fall apart and finish with 75 wins near the bottom of the division. The AL East isn't exactly a cakewalk. You know it's bad when my brother who's been a die-hard Yankee fan since he was a kid in the early 80s even admits, "They're gonna fucking suck." Yankee fans are rarely this pessimistic. Any fan that's insisting they're gonna win the East are just fooling themselves. Like the high school football star that flunked out of college freshman year and shows back up at homecoming to relive the "glory days." Dude, just admit things are over and go work construction already.

Reason To Watch: Luis Severino. Seeing this young of a star on the Yankees these days is a real treat. He looked great in 11 starts last season and is looking to make his mark this year in his first full season. Also the team has let him loose with no restrictions so he could throw 200 innings. Should be fun, at least until he blows his elbow out.

Reason To Drink: CC Sabathia. We have to drink for him because he can't.

The Fans: These people. Look at them. I mean, fucking look at them!

Yeah, no one wants to hang out with these fuckwads.

Their Worst Contract: Most of them. So many guys making well over $20 million a year that no longer actually warrant those prices. The good news is these bloated contracts are over soon. Teixeira and Beltran are off the books after this year. Sabathia has a vesting option in 2017. A-Rod is done after 2017. The Yankees are looking at a much more nimble payroll soon which will allow them to hopefully acquire some younger talent once more and get back to being the most obnoxious franchise in baseball.

Fantasy Standout: No one. A lot of guys are decent, but I'm not going out of my way to draft any of them.

Fantasy Bust: Chase Headley. Fuck this guy. His first full season with the Yankees was garbage and he's not projected to do any better. Sadly the guy they traded to get him in 2014, Yangervis Solarte is a better fantasy option at 3B this year. Not that anyone is drafting Chase Headley anyway.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Transformers sequels. Each year a new one is released it's the same old shit with a monstrous budget. It's old and tired and no one really cares any more.

Aw fuck. Guys, A-Rod's totally juicing again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Cleveland Indians

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Hey, it's about the time we get to some actual contenders! Today we look at the Cleveland Indians.

2015 Finish: 81-80 (3rd Place in AL Central)

So Long: Shaun Marcum, Mike Aviles, Gavin Floyd, Ryan Raburn, Carlos Marmol,

Welcome: Fat Joba Chamberlain, Felipe Paulino, Collin Cowgill, Rajai Davis, Mike Napoli, Juan Uribe, Marlon BYURN BYURN BYURNNNNN Byrd

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Jason Kipnis, 2B
2. Francisco Lindor, SS
3. Carlos Santana, DH
4. Mike Napoli, 1B
5. Lonnie Chisenhall, LF
6. Yan Gomes, C
7. Tyler Naquin, RF
8. Juan Uribe, 3B
9. Rajai Davis, CF

Starting Rotation: Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco, Danny Salazar, Trevor Bauer, Josh Tomlin
Setup: Bryan Shaw
Closer: Cody Allen

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:

"It was all a dream"
   - Notorious BIG, Juicy

The Indians went into 2015 with big things on their mind. A preseason pick by Sports Illustrated to win the World Series, the Indians seemed to be loaded with talent. The problem was that their talent was very top-heavy and after some bad luck and injuries, they barely squeaked out a winning record for the season.

The good news is that all of that talent comes back in 2016. The bad news is that on paper, this is the same team that barely cracked .500 last year and all the same problems are still around.

Let's take a look at the good: Man, are their good players pretty good. Jason Kipnis is an OBP machine capable of hitting 12-15 homers and chipping in just as many steals when he's not busy pulling an oblique muscle from spending too much time at your mom's house. Rookie sensation Francisco Lindor burst onto the scene hitting .313 with 12 homers and 12 steals in just under 100 games. Michael Brantley is a top 10 outfielder when healthy. And the three headed beast at the top of their rotation of Kluber/Carrasco/Salazar is the envy of any team in the majors. Shutting things down in the 9th is Cody Allen, one of the best/most underrated closers in the AL.

So how did such a stacked team end up with such a wet fart of a record last year? The simple answer is: there's no one else. Even 7 great players can't make up for 17 other walking corpses, and the Indians come into this year with that very same lack of depth. Behind Kipnis/Lindor/Brantley in the lineup are a bunch of stiffs. Mike Napoli? Couldn't even get it going in Texas, one of the best offensive environments in baseball. Yan Gomes is maddeningly inconsistent. I didn't know that Juan Uribe was even alive anymore. And Lonnie Chisenhall needs to be brought out back and given the Old Yeller treatment at this point. Trust me, as a Cubs fan, we know what it's like to hold onto hope for a prospect for too long (*cough*Josh Vitters*cough*). Trevor Bauer never met a 3 ball count that he didn't like and the #5 spot in the rotation may not actually exist because Schrodenger's Josh Tomlin is always in a state of being terrible in the rotation and being slightly less terrible out of the bullpen at the same time.

And those awesome stud players the Indians have? Not everything is as good as it looks on paper. Michael Brantley will miss all of April with a shoulder injury, something that can sap players of all their power for entire seasons sometimes. There's a case to be made that Lindor played way over his head last year (a case I will make shortly) and Jason Kipnis is incredibly inconsistent, where he'll give you 3 smokin' hot months and 3 ice cold months in a given season.

All that said, the Indians could figure it all out if Gomes stays healthy and Carlos Santana teams back up with Rob Thomas and puts up a vintage 2013 Santana season, that could make the Indians lineup deep and dangerous. If Gomes and Santana can both reach 20 homers, they've got a real shot as long as Brantley can shake off the rust and do what he did in 2015. Don't be surprised if the Indians threaten to take the division over equally-flawed Detroit and the defending champion Royals.

Reason To Watch: Danny Salazar is NASTY. It's great watching someone pitch who can threaten 12-13 strikeouts every time out. And he's gonna get some strikeout-prone lineups in his division (Minnesota, Detroit, Chicago). Sure, he could take 100 pitches to get through only 5 innings, but those 5 innings will be awesome to watch.

Reason To Drink: 1) It's Cleveland. 2) If you're an Indians fan, you're probably a Browns fan and a Cavs fan too, bringing the total number of championship-less seasons to about 480. 3) Trevor Bauer will have a start where he walks 6 batters in under 4 innings. Probably 3-4 times this year.

The Fans: 

Their Worst Contract: You have to give the Indians credit. Out of their active roster, their highest paid player is Carlos Santana at only $8.5 million. But you also have to remember that they're paying Michael Bourne and Nick Swisher a combined $15 million to sit around and watch porn at home.

Fantasy Standout: Cy Kluber. Guy is great and just because he had a slow start a few seasons in a row, he seems to be coming at a discount in fantasy drafts. He is absolutely one of the top 4 pitchers in baseball. I'd take him over Greinke.

Fantasy Bust: Francisco Lindor. EVERYONE seems to be going nuts about Lindor Chocolate, and if you look at the final numbers of his rookie season, things look great, especially when you factor in the Gold Glove defense at SS. But if you look a little deeper, there's a whole lot of room for regression this season. Lindor was always known as an all glove-decent but not great bat type and I wouldn't be surprised if he goes back to that this season. For his minor league career, Lindor hit one home run every 82 plate appearances. Then when he reached the majors, he homered once every 36.5 plate appearances, putting up a higher ISO than any minor league stop in his career. And that shiny .313 batting average was reliant on a .348 BABIB which even for someone with Lindor's above average speed, is going to be pretty hard to sustain. Then again he is only 22, so growth in the hitting department isn't out of the question. But there's a reason that most projections for him have Lindor putting up the same counting stats he did last year in 50 more games worth of action. I'm not saying he won't be good, but let someone else pay for last year's production rate on draft day.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 2 of Lost. It could get a lot better and reach the potential it has on paper, or this could be the start of when things start to fall apart.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Detroit Tigers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head to the Motor City to visit the Tigers.

Rookie hazing rituals never got as bad as Johnny's signature "Grubb Rubb" which left three players hospitalized and one blinded permanently in 1983.

2015 Finish: 74-87 (Last Place in AL Central)

So Long: Alex Avila, Rajai Davis, Tom Gorzelanny, Alfredo Simon, Joe Nathan, Neftali Feliz

Welcome: Francisco Rodriguez, Cameron Maybin, Jordan Zimmermann, Mike Pelfrey, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Justin Wilson, Nate Schierholtz, Mike Aviles, John Mayberry, Justin Upton, Bobby Parnell, Casey McGehee

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ian Kinsler, 2B
2. Justin Upton, LF
3. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
4. J.D. Martinez, RF
5. Victor Martinez, DH
6. Nick Castellanos, 3B
7. James McCann, C
8. Jose Iglesias, SS
9. Anthony Gose, CF

Starting Rotation: Jordan Zimmermann, Justin Verlander, Anibal Sanchez, Daniel Norris, Mike Pelfrey
Setup: Justin Wilson
Closer: Francisco Rodriguez

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Fuck"

   -Eminem, one of his songs

After four straight seasons atop the AL Central, the Tigers found themselves in the cellar at the end of 2015. Worse than the Twins, the Indians, and even the god damn White Sox. To say shit fell apart for them is an understatement.

After getting out to a hot start the Tigers quickly fell back to earth with nagging injuries to Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander, and Victor Martinez struggling at the one job he has. Once it looked like they weren't going to make the playoffs Dave Dombrowski made the right move and began selling off pieces. Joakim Soria went to the Pirates. David Price to the Jays. Yoenis Cespedes to the Mets. Dombrowski was of course fired soon after that. Because when your GM who helped you reach 4 straight postseasons gives up and starts trading off parts, he clearly has to go. Seriously, the Red Sox gained a solid general manager this offseason.

So now the Tigers are doing what all aging teams that begin to decline do. They start slapping on big free agent band-aids thinking this will save the slowly sinking ship. And why not? Their owner has one foot in the grave and is ready to spend "Fuck you" money on players. Why not bring in Justin Upton and Jordan Zimmermann? Will it help? I don't know, maybe? The clock is definitely ticking though as the other veterans on this team don't have many impact seasons left. The Tigers have enough in the tank to make a possible postseason run this season and next, but I cringe to think about what the 2021 Tigers are gonna look like. This season is like Studio 54 nearing the end of the disco era. Do one last line of coke and dance your ass off because this shit is closing soon.

Reason To Watch: Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. Both of these guys have been outstanding over the years in Detroit, and while they were hampered with injuries last year, they could have a nice little bounceback in 2016. If healthy, Miggy and Verlander are gonna be fun to watch again.

Miggy gives no fucks on where you pitch the ball.

Reason To Drink: The rotation. Zimmermann and Verlander should be solid, but the rest of this rotation has question marks. Anibal Sanchez has yet to string together 30 starts in a season in Detroit. Daniel Norris does show promise but he's still pretty green. I took a crap today and I'm pretty sure that poop could strikeout more people than Mike Pelfrey can.

The Fans: Magnum P.I. liked the Tigers. That's good enough for me.

Their Worst Contract: Victor Martinez. They signed him to a 4 year/$68 million deal last year, at age 36. He of course thanks them with a .245/.301/.366 slash line and career worsts in most other stats as well. They have him for three more years of this shit and he doesn't play the field.

Fantasy Standout: J.D. Martinez. 27 is typically the age that guys hit their prime and Martinez certainly proved that, with an impressive year hitting 38 homers and driving in 102. Put him next to a healthy Miggy and he'll be a top fantasy OF yet again.

Fantasy Bust: Rajai Davis. He's old and not stealing any more. He's also not on the Tigers. Why did you fucking draft him?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: When a sitcom adds a pregnancy story arc to boost ratings. It might work for a bit but this bullshit is getting canceled in another couple seasons anyway.

How did Jordan Zimmermann get so much older after just one season?