TMS Premier League Preview 2009

Saturday marks the beginning of the new Barclay's Premier League season. For those ignorant Americans who do not know what I'm referring to, the Premier League is the top division of English soccer. Last year I wrote an expansive preview of the 20 teams, ranking them in order of projected finish. I have deemed those rankings a dismal failure, so I will not attempt that feat again. I am also lacking in time for a proper write-up of each squad, so I will discuss the upcoming season with a primary focus on the clubs which TMS Bartenders follow.

Last season, Manchester United won their third title in a row. Runners-up were Liverpool, who surged in the second half of the year, followed by Chelsea. Those three teams, along with Arsenal who finished fourth, are annually considered the best of the best. The primary goal for any other club is just to crack the top four. These perennial second-class clubs include Aston Villa, Everton (who defeated the MLS All-Stars two weeks ago in a thrilling penalty kick shoot out), Tottenham, and Manchester City.

A couple of our Bartenders were hopeless Premier League fanatics long before they joined TMS. Their enthusiasm has carried over, as nearly all of us have done a bit of research and aligned ourselves with one club or another.

For your pleasure, I present a list of the Premier League clubs that the TMS Bartenders will be watching this season:

Liverpool (Lingering Bursitis) - LB is the sole Brit of our modest blog, and one of the instigators of our soccer infatuation. He was actually born in Liverpool, and is the only one of us who can claim his team by birthright. Liverpool are favored by some to upset Man U at the top of the table this season. They're led by Steven Gerrard and the nimble Fernando Torres. For a quick collection of some of Torres' greatest goals, click here.

Arsenal (The Hundley and Arcturus) - The Arse have had a bit of a rough offseason, losing more players to transfer than they've brought in, including the team's second leading scorer from last year, Emmanuel Adebayor. Expectations are always high at Emirates Stadium, but it may be challenge enough clinging to the top five.

West Ham United (Chip Wesley) - After a brief flirtation with Portsmouth, Chip devoted his time to West Ham. Chip's father has worked in a steel mill since the age of 15. West Ham was thus a natural fit for Chip's family, as the club was founded by Thames Ironworkers in 1895. The team's anthem, sung by fans during matches, is titled "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" (insert Michael Jackson joke here).

Everton (Brant Brown) - When I first decided to follow the Premier League, I spent a lot of time hashing out the histories of the various squads before adopting Everton. They're a classy, historic club who haven't won in just long enough to make any cup or league victory really special. They're the other team from Liverpool, which provides for a very Yankees/Mets type of rivalry with Liverpool FC. In a stroke of luck, I was able to take in the aforementioned match between Everton and the MLS All-Stars, which I hope is not my last opportunity to catch them live. Everton also employs the superior goalkeeper of the United States national team, Tim Howard.

Manchester City (Chaim Witz) - Chaim deliberated much of last season, and recently settled on Man City. Not surprising he would choose them, due to the questionable nature of his sexuality. The team was purchased at this time last year by the Abu Dhabi United Group. Arab ownership would seem to pose an issue for Chaim due to his Jewish heritage, but he insists that religious friction can be overlooked as long as the team keeps it's pretty baby blue colors. Man City's new owners also dumped an assload of money into the transfer market, prying away such gifted talent as Carlos Tevez (the Neandertal pictured at left) and Roque Santa Cruz. We shall see if money truly can buy happiness, or at least a top five finish. Likely not.

Regardless of what club you may follow, the upcoming slate looks to be as exciting as ever. And if you're not into EPL soccer yet, now is as good a time as any to join in the fun.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: The Globe Pub

Before I start, let me address the misnomer in the title of this post. The Globe is not in Wrigleyville. I'm laying waste to the strictures of TMS; to hell with the rules! The Globe is actually located in the North Center neighborhood. No offense intended to the locals.

Who you'll see here: Brits, Irishmen, assorted Europeans, men with scarves.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Vinnie Jones, Jason Statham

About 15 months ago I allowed myself to be lured into the beautiful world of soccer. My basic knowledge of the grand game directed me toward the English Premier League, as opposed to our ridiculously inferior Major League Soccer. After consulting a collection of the best soccer blogs and fielding the opinions of fans, I decided to throw my less-than-considerable weight behind Everton FC.

Two weekends ago, I was gearing up to fly out to Chicago to catch up with fellow Bartender Chaim Witz. After realizing that Chaim receives neither Fox Soccer Channel nor Setanta, I scoured the Internets for a reputable bar in which to take in the Everton v. West Brom tilt. This is when I stumbled on The Globe's website. I notified Chaim that we would need to be at the bar at 6:45 a.m. on Saturday, wives and hangovers be damned! Well, the wives relented; however, the hangovers got the best of us. After waking up at 6:00, we both agreed that we should forego the Everton match, grab a few more winks, and catch the 9:00 a.m. games.

When we arrived at The Globe at 9:00, Arsenal, Chelsea, and Liverpool fans were occupying all of the tables but one, choking down coffee, hurling out obscenities. The back room was cordoned off for the Chelsea game, while Arsenal fans were seated in the front. Liverpool fans were relegated to watching their match on the smaller plasmas over the bar, deservingly on mute. Turns out The Globe is an Everton-friendly bar (Liverpool and Everton are much bigger crosstown rivals than the Cubs and White Sox). The waitress immediately asked us which club we were there to see so that she could seat us accordingly. When I told her that we were regrettably late for the Everton match, she offered to either tell me the score or put the match on for me (God bless DVR in bars). I took the bait at the score (Everton won 2-0), and when the 9:00 a.m. matches were over, she re-played the Everton game for me.

This bar is the balls not only for soccer and the friendly staff, but it serves as a quality drinking hole as well. Christ, look at the comprehensive beer list here. After a couple coffees, I moved on to Harp. TMS Bartender Dave Thomas met up with us as well, and proceeded to tackle the Dogfishhead 90 Min IPA. Chaim pulled his best impression of a mid-life crisis by ordering a steady stream of Bloody Mary's. The food was pretty decent to boot. The eggs Florentine were top notch, and the country potatoes were perfectly bronzed, like Matthew McConaughey's chest.

All in all, this was a great bar, though I'll admit it was morning, and I'll have to retrace my steps at night. However, if you want soccer, I couldn't think of a better place. I intend to make it a weekend morning ritual every time I'm in Chicago. I envy Chaim for having such easy access to The Globe.

ThunderMatt Rating: 10 Bass Ales out of a 12-pack, since it's technically not in Wrigleyville, and I'm not sure if the Cubs take any sort of priority when soccer is on (I would guess not).

Poor Man's Guide to the '08-'09 Premier League: Part 2

If you read the first part of my Premier League Preview, you'll know that my intended audience is the most remedial of soccer fans. Having recently discovered the beauty and intensity of club soccer, I decided to share what I've learned in hopes of converting others. To read Part 1, click here. Now on to my projections and borrowed knowledge concerning the top ten:

10. Sunderland
Sunderland made it's way back to the Premier League last season and ended in 15th place. They used to have a fan magazine (or fanzine if you will) called Sex and Chocolate. Their current fanzine is called A Love Supreme. Despite this, Sunderland fans insist that they are confident in their sexuality.

From what I've gathered: Sunderland seems to be a team on the rise. Manager Roy Keane has taken on the leftover scraps from Tottenham and put together a decent team, lacking a bit in defense if anything.

9. Aston Villa

It's a joke to say that Aston Villa is one of the oldest clubs in the Premier League, as all of them have basically been around for over 100 years now. Regardless, they've been around since 1874, and have played at the highest competitive level for the last 98 seasons. They're also owned now by Randy Lerner, the same man who owns the Cleveland Browns. Clearly he's wealthy.

From what I've gathered: Villa hasn't really done much to improve their team, unless you count the transfer of U.S. goalkeeper Brad Guzan. Boring. Villa is a solid but lackluster team that looks to drop off a bit from their sixth place finish last season


8. Everton
Everton is the team that I've adopted as my own. They are the other club in Liverpool, and have a longstanding and rivalry with Lingering Bursitis's club of choice, Liverpool FC (bunch of wankers). Everton's more popular fans include Paul McCartney and Sylvester Stallone. Neither celebrity had any influence upon me in choosing Everton, though I fielded phone calls from both.

From what I've gathered: I scour the web every day for the latest news on Everton, so my knowledge is legit. However, there has been little if any news to report. They were able to con Fulham into paying $26 million for Andrew Johnson, which was possibly the steal of this young century. So what has manager David Moyes done with all that excess cash? Nothing! As of Tuesday, Everton has yet to sign a single player in the transfer window. There are hints of imminent signings, but no fresh faces will be able to help out the club in its first league match this Saturday.


7. Manchester City
Man City is the equivalent of the Los Angeles Clippers, always playing second fiddle to Manchester United. In the mid-1990's, City sucked so bad that they were relegated twice and were playing in the third division. They've bounced back in the last decade. Man City is also owned by former Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra, who in his political career, had a questionable human rights record and was often accused of corruption. Soccer fans have thus affectionately dubbed Man City "Human Rights FC". Cute.

From what I've gathered: They will improve on their finish from last season, particularly with the addition of Brazilian striker Jo, whom they bought off of CSKA Moscow a month ago. However, Shinawatra is said to be having financial troubles, which are now trickling down to the club, so look for their roster to stand pat heading into the weekend.


6. Tottenham
Tottenham's logo is a cock. More specifically, a cockerel, which the Drunk Hobo tells me is an immature male cock. One might picture Shia LeBeouf. They are a decent if not boring club. They also have a strong Jewish following, which the fans embrace as a badge of honour (British for honor).

From what I've gathered: Spurs (that's their nickname) lost Robbie Keane to Liverpool earlier in the offseason, but were able to replace him with David Bentley from Blackburn. Their offensive production should be more than adequate to stay in the top half of the rankings, even if their defense is a little suspect.


5. Liverpool
Liverpool is the most successful team in English soccer history, and are supported by less educated and otherwise undesirable fans than most clubs. Tom Hicks, owner of the Texas Rangers, has fifty percent share in Liverpool. With that kind of ownership around, the rest of the Premier League can rest assured that Liverpool will make a lot of noise from time to time, but are ultimately destined to fall short in all their endeavors.

From what I've gathered: Robbie Keane and the gifted Fernando Torres make a formidable duo up front, provided Torres' flowing locks stay out of his eyes during matches. This club will contend for the title, but out of prejudice, I will leave them outside of the top four looking in.


4. Portsmouth
The city of Portsmouth and the club are both nicknamed Pompey. They used to have a goalie named Aaron Flahaven who was dubbed "Flav" by fans. Unlike the American version of Flav (as in Flava), Flahaven died in a car accident after a night of drinking. If only America was so lucky (apologies to VH1).

From what I've gathered: This franchise is on the upturn, with a healthy supply of goalscorers and a birth in the UEFA Cup. This squad will score plenty, which is a common theme amongst the top tier, as one would expect. Bartender Chip Wesley has adopted Pompey as his club to follow, likely due to their club crest, which some mistake as referring to Islam.


3. Arsenal
The Arsenal Gunners are an incredibly successful team and look to contend, if not upset the league this season. Situated in North London, Arsenal is statistically known to have the largest percentage of non-white supporters attending their matches at Emirates Stadium. Truly a world club confined within London.

From what I've gathered: Their defense, like so many clubs, could be better. Despite this, their offense is exceptional and they will give the rest of the league headaches. The lack of transfers within their backfield will be their undoing.


2. Manchester United
Oh Christ, Man U. Arguably the most popular club in the league, nay world. Man U own the rights to the self proclaimed "slave" Cristiano Ronaldo. If you know nothing about soccer, you could liken the Ronaldo offseason drama to the Brett Favre self-flatuation. The Portugese Ronaldo clearly wants out of Man U, and has frequently cried about his "mistreatment" as he suns on the beach with scantily clad women rubbing oil on his chest.

From what I've gathered: Man U have brought literally no one in during the transfer period. Of course, when you're going for your third consecutive league title, what is there to tinker with? Many are picking them to three-peat, but we all know how difficult that is, regardless of the sport.


1. Chelsea
This is the club that I originally wanted to take on as my own, mostly due to the fact that they're owned by former Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich. Unfortunately, I realized they were a little too good and rooting for them was a little too, I don't know, popular.

From what I've gathered: Chelsea's biggest move in the transfer market was to bring in former Brazilian and Portugese national club manager Luiz Felipe Scolari. They could still use another striker, but this is a solid team that will give Man U, Arsenal, and the rest of the top flight a hefty challenge. Look for Chelsea to come out on top in league play.

* * * * *

For further reading on the upcoming 08-09 Premier League you can check out the team previews at Unprofessional Foul, the only soccer blog to have the TMS Seal of Approval.

Poor Man's Guide to the '08-'09 Premier League: Part 1

I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions. Start going to the gym more frequently, lose the spare tire, become more organized - that's all garbage to me. However, with last January's impending end to the NFL season leaving a gaping chasm before Spring Training and my general defiance in recognizing the NHL and NBA, I felt that I had to discover something else to waste my time with on the weekends. The void was quickly filled by that curious temptress we in America call soccer.

I'll admit that I didn't (and still don't) know the history and peculiarities of the sport that the rest of the globe calls football. What I did know for certain was that the English Premier League (now Barclays* Premier League) was arguably the best league in the world, and the Fox Soccer Channel shows Premiership games on my local cable affiliate. Therefore, it was pretty clear that if I put a minimal amount of effort into the process and remained open minded, I could open myself to a whole new realm of sports and fandom.

With fellow bartenders The Hundley and Lingering Bursitis already immersed in the glory of the sport, I knew I had a support staff to guide me in this new venture. Naturally I had to choose a side to cheer on for the remainder of the '07-'08 campaign. I intentionally chose not to come off as a bandwagon fan for a top flight club, so I sought one that was mediocre at best and would provide me with the same harsh realities and imminent failure that I am used to with the Chicago Cubs. After some suggestions by Bursitis, the natural fit upon which to pledge my allegiance was Everton.

Now more than six months in, I've been through the drama of a run to finish in the top four of the Premiership, along with a UEFA Cup ride with Everton and the intensity and nationalistic flair of Euro 2008. I'm can say with all confidence that I am hooked on soccer, and am greatly looking forward to the '08-'09 season.

In my excitement, I wanted to provide TMS with a preview of the upcoming Premier League season. In my preparation, I quickly realized that I still don't know shit about the league. However, I still wanted to compile my thoughts and throw them into a post on TMS, so I've decided to take the angle of the novice soccer fan, in hopes that my basic descriptions of the league and the teams will inspire others to finally give soccer it's fair shake. Below you will find my loosely thought out rankings for the season, along with a little information about each club and a few sentences regarding what I've learned about their upcoming season while cruising other soccer websites and blogs. This post is geared toward other soccer novices, who will hopefully find it useful. I pray that those of you who are more knowledgeable will not react too harshly to my ignorance.

The Premier League consists of 20 clubs (remember, this is for the remedial soccer fans). A couple thoughts about each club will be followed with "what I've gathered", which is my cribbed version of what the analysts are saying. Projected finishes for the lower half will run today. Check back tomorrow for my underdeveloped and borrowed thoughts on the top tier.

20. Stoke City
The first thing that someone new to Premier League soccer needs to understand is the fantastic concept of relegation. Of the 20 clubs, the bottom three in the standings at the end of the year get relegated down to the Championship League. For baseball, this is akin to having your entire franchise sent down to Triple A for the next season. The clubs in the Championship League fight like dogs to finish in the top three, upon which they are bumped up to the Premier League for the upcoming season. Stoke City is one of the teams that has been thrust up to Premier level for the '08-'09 season.

From what I've gathered: Stoke City will be heading right back down to the second division with a fairly deplorable showing. Last season's worst team, Derby County, finished with exactly one victory in 38 matches. One. Stoke will not be that bad, but the Potters (yes, that's their nickname) will have a short-lived existence in the top tier.


19. Bolton Wanderers
Bolton staved off relegation last year by winning their final five matches and finishing 16th in the table (British for "standings"). They are also sponsored by Reebok and play in Reebok Stadium. This is a vast improvement from the days in which they were sponsored by L.A. Gear.

From what I've gathered: Bolton has made a few positive personnel moves, bringing in Johan Elmander and Fabrice Muamba. Who are those two? I have no idea, but it doesn't appear that they will provide much of a goal-scoring boost, so look for Bolton to struggle again. I think.


18. Hull City
This is another team that was promoted from the Champions League. Their most prominent player is a 39 year old striker named Dean Windass. Fitting, as Hull City's chances this season will Blowass.

From what I've gathered: The Tigers apparently had a player named Frazier Campbell on loan from Manchester United last year. He helped them to get promoted, but now he has to return to Man U, which will not help in Hull's attempt to avoid immediate relegation. And yes, for those new to soccer, you can loan out your bench players to other teams for cash. Think anyone would take Daryle Ward off of the Cubs' hands?


17. Fulham
Fulham finished 17th last year, and they look to be no better this season. You think that Wrigley and Fenway are old, check out some of the stadiums in England. Fulham has been playing at Craven Cottage since 1896. The club is owned by Mohamed Al-Fayed, father of the late Princess Diana's late lover Dodi. Cue "Candle in the Wind 1997".

From what I've gathered: Fulham has had a major roster overhaul, but there defense remains suspect enough to cause them to linger near the bottom. They paid roughly $21 million to Everton for pansy-ass Andrew Johnson during the transfer window (free-agency period in the offseason). He's sure to keep the crowd at the Cottage entertained as he runs around the pitch (British for field) falling over at the faintest hit of contact.


16. West Bromwich Albion
This is the last of the three promoted squads, and with a little luck, they may stick around for the '09-'10 campaign. Their nickname is The Baggies. I can only assume this is because they should be playing with paper bags over their heads.

From what I've gathered: This is another poor defensive team, but has enough goal scorers that they should keep relegation at bay and improve. Also, the Drunk Hobo tells me that their club anthem is Psalm 23. Yes, that Psalm 23 from the Bible. They sing it. They sing "the Lord is my shepherd..." while (whilst) cheering on their club. I better move on.


15. Blackburn Rovers
My God, there is nothing interesting to say about this team. They won the league in 1995, but were then split up Florida Marlins style. I guess they have a cool name, but that won't translate to enough victories to finish in the top half.

From what I've gathered: The team is in transition with a new manager assuming the post. They also sold their best player, David Bentley, to Tottenham. It should be a rebuilding year for the Rovers, but not an all-out disaster.


14. Middlesbrough
Just like their name suggests, Middlesbrough will finish near the middle of the pack, but most likely on the wrong side of the middle. They play their home matches at Riverside Stadium. This is not the same Riverside in which Reed Johnson is the pride of.

From what I've gathered: This is a young team, with potentially dynamic scorer in Alfonso Alves. Their fans seem resigned to their mediocre status on the pitch and in life. I would imagine suicide rates are the highest amongst Middlesbrough supporters.


13. Newcastle United
Yes, like the beer. Newcastle wears black and white striped kits (British for jerseys) which make them look like referees. Newcastle is generally regarded as the dirty scum of the Premier League due to a history of questionable conduct and players with off the field issues.

From what I've gathered: They have no real playmakers on the field. It's another young team that scores a lot but brings nothing to the pitch as far as defense goes. Seems to be a common theme amongst these lower tier squads.


12. Wigan Athletic
Only in the last few years has Wigan played to the level which most would qualify as "good". Their existence was mired in mediocrity bordering on hopelessness until entering the Premier League in the '05-'06 season. They apparently have the same attendence issues that the Marlins have, where stadium capacity is well under 50% for most matches.

From what I've gathered: Wigan have added a great young goalscorer on loan in Amr Zaki who should help them improve upon their record from last season. They have a lot of depth and an outside chance of finishing in the top half of the league.


11. West Ham United
The West Ham club has been around for 113 years. Their team anthem is called "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles", which would win them the title as queerest club, were it not for their supporters' penchant for hooliganism. This behavior was glorified in the Elijah Wood film Green Street Hooligans. Coincidentally, Elijah Wood and Ian McKellan were often discovered blowing bubbles with each other off set during the filming of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

From what I've gathered: West Ham has a good pair of strikers in Dean Ashton and Craig Bellamy, and their defensive play is as steady as any club in the league. They'll contend for top tier status, but will ultimately finish around 10th place.


*From what I've gathered: Barclays Bank bought the naming rights to the entire league. Thus it is now known as Barclays Premier League instead of English Premier League. I still don't know much about soccer, but I know that corporate sponsorship is bullshit no matter which side of the ocean you're on.

Tomorrow: The Top 10

Tommy Buzanis Takes the Motherland

Though I am a man who knows the United States (and Chaim's mother) intimately, Tommy Buzanis does not like to travel internationally. If there isn't an Outback Steakhouse within 10 miles, Tommy doesn't need to visit. So when I was offered the opportunity to head to London in late May for the U.S. vs. England soccer match at Wembley Stadium, Tommy was understandably skeptical. England? The home of Elton John? Poor dental hygiene? Socialized medicine? This didn't exactly sound like Tommy's cup of tea (no pun intended).

But then Tommy got to thinking...the home of the scotch egg? A general acceptance of binge drinking? Blurred lines of sexuality? Maybe this could work out. When Tommy found out that Virgin Airlines served complimentary cocktails for the entire flight it was good bye New Jersey (and Norma Jean); I was airborne. (As it happens, Virgin Airlines is not afraid to suspend cocktail service if passengers become intoxicated and make jokes about joining the mile high club with Princess Diana - Tommy learned this the hard way.) Anyway, join me on a brief, ale-fueled jaunt across the pond to visit our fore-skinned fore-fathers' motherland.

Tommy and Co. pre-game at Wembley. I originally arrived wearing nothing but an American Flag g-string. Hooligans fear the g-string.

I guess this is a cultural shot. If you ask Tommy, you could get just as much culture at an IHOP in Sandusky, Ohio at 3AM after a two week long bender...but that's just me.

Shortly after this shot was taken, Tommy challenged this knight to a joust. As I was led away I shouted "Freedom" just like my hero Mel Gibson did to the British some 400+ years ago.

Tommy & Co. post game at Wembley

God Save the Queen? More like God Save Queen. England would win the match 2-0 but this didn't stop Tommy from continuously decrying taxation with out representation through out the second half. Tommy also taunted the crowd, loudly explaining that the whole stadium would be speaking German now if it wasn't for Tommy's grandpa who "stormed the beaches at Normandy". (Editor's Note: Tommy's grandpa never served during WWII - he was left home because of his rampant alcoholism).

The crown jewels are housed there...Tommy lets his crown jewels roam free, unburdened from the shackles of undergarments. Editor's Note: Shortly after taking this last photo, Tommy was assaulted by a man named 'Big Ben'. Tommy mistakenly took the man's inquiry as to "where I can find some good bangers and mash" as a sexual come on, which led to fisticuffs and eventually, Tommy being thrown over the bridge into the murky waters below.

Superclasico Super Soccer Drunk Blog

Are you stoked? You should be. The only thing the MLS has even remotely close to a legitimate rivalry is about to be rekindled. The LA Galaxy are ready to take on their hated cross-stadium interlopers Chivas USA. We're coming to you live from the TMS SoCal Soccer Command Center basking in the glow of the newly hung Galaxy poster (seen here).

7:59 - The first margarita is made. GAME ON.

8:00 - The WNBA game is running long. Are you fucking kidding me? These "women" could at least miss shots quickly. There will be hell to pay if they don't cut away from this (hell to pay = yet another threatening letter sent to Stuart Scott).

8:03 - Christ...they are letting the WNBA game rap up. The crowd of fifty teenage girls too ghastly to get felt up at a high school make out party are chanting "Beat LA". Kill me now.

8:11 - The WNBA game is mercifully over. Suckramento over LA by 18 if you cared (you don't).

8:13 - Football is on (soccer will hereafter be referred to properly as "football"). Thankfully it hasn't started yet. No letter to Stuart Scott today - at least not about this. Beckham and Donovan are playing (praise jesus). They just told everyone the Galaxy are the highest scoring team in the MLS. Take notice you bastards. Beckham is talking...worst voice ever. Like Chris Martin with a couple corncobs up his ass.

8:18 - Kickoff. First place up for grabs!

8:19 - Our first phantom foul. Bullshit. Chivas' token Jewish player just fell down.

8:21 - Another Chivas player just fell down. Is this Italy? No foul this time though. No. 8 on the Galaxy...Vagenas. That sounds suspiciously like vagina.

8:24 - Yellow card on Vagina.

8:27 - Fuck. Another yellow card. This one on my boy Donovan. Man crush on Landon Donovan? You betcha.

8:33 - Goal Chivas. You sons of bitches. Kim Clijsters I think. Oh wait, she plays tennis. I have to admit it was a pretty goal though. No worries. LA will put a few up on these chingadas.

8:41 - Shut up about the New York Red Bulls already. No one wants to hear about these corporate sell outs. A name on your jersey? Sure. Changing the name of your team to suit your dirtbag corporate sponsor? I don't think so. Remember when they were the Metrostars? That guy who went on to be a place kicker for the Jets played for them. I forget his name.

8:43 - Tony Meola. Thats it. What a douchebag. He's probably drunk and face down in a Jersey pizzeria right now. Galaxy just missed a sweet goal.

8:49 - I need another drink. A great thing about football? No commercials. A bad thing about football? No commercials. When am I supposed to get loaded. I need a waitress.

8:50 - Galaxy injury. Some scrub. This is my chance to get another drink.

8:52 - No time to fix another margarita. Beer. Cerveza to be more specific. Carta Blanca. Its ok. Look for a TMS Beer Project on it. Wow. They're wheeling him off on a stretcher.

8:55 - That guy had back spasms. I've had them before. They suck, but they're hardly stretcher worthy. He gets a pink card for being a pussy.

8:59 - Apparently that Chivas goal was actually Ante Razov (communist). Why can't MLS announcers ever get it right? Basically every game I watch, they misassign a goal. It wasn't Kim Klijsters at all.

9:03 - Two narrow misses for LA. Drinking game: Every time LA narrowly misses a goal, chug your beer.

9:07 - Half time. 1-0 Chivas. Boo. Nice physical game though. Once it was clear Chivas was flopping, the refs quit calling fouls on LA. Thats what I like to see. For all the shit the MLS takes, you have to give it this: Its relatively flop-free. Not as good as the Mexican league in that regard, but its a damn sight better than one of those foppish countries like Spain or Italy.

9:19 - This Carta Blanca is awful. I'm going to make another margarita.

9:25 - Second half underway. Second margarita also underway. Yeah, its not much, but its Thursday.

9:35 - This margarita is much better. Second half? Not so much. LA has come out rather flat. I looked at the Herbalife website once before, but I don't remember what was there. I'm going back.

9:36 - Thats right. Pretentious herbal personal care products. They have a recipe for Chipotle Grilled Swordfish though. That sounds tasty. I'm hungry. I wish I hadn't eaten all of my Ritz crackers.

9:45 - Chivas' goalkeeper Brad Guzan may go to Astin Villa. Stay in the MLS you twat. We need to build American football up (I almost called it soccer). Besides, fuck Astin Villa.

9:50 - GALAXY GOAL!!!!!!!!! Edson Buddle! All tied up.

9:51 - Red card on Chivas' coach Preki! The meltdown is imminent. Yes, this guy uses one name. Cher? Madonna? Douche?

9:55 - Hah! A Chivas' goal is called back! It was Kim Klijsters this time. Yellow card on him for bitching about it.

9:59 - The Galaxy have a group of fans called the LA Riot Squad. Somewhere, Reginald Denny sheds a tear...

10:07 - Another fucking save for Guzan. You know what? Go to Astin Villa you miserable piece of shit...

10:08 - All of Beckham's crosses have been off tonight. Now is as good a time as any to admit this: I saw Bend it Like Beckham. Kira Knightley? Mmmmmm..... Yeah, I know she has no tits, but there's just something about her.

10:12 - And thats it. 1-1 draw. Both Chivas and the Galaxy remain in 1st place in the tight Western Conference.

Until next time then!

USA - Mexico Soccer Live Blog

Okay, welcome. It’s another live blog. That dirty ol’ mother, Lingering Bursitis certainly left a tough act to follow. Sadly, I have no drinking games set. I’m a bit grumpy today. I shoveled more snow today than I did all of last winter. It’s certainly a trying time to live in the Midwest. Tonight follows the International “friendly” between the USA and Mexico. As the aging and waistline expanding Mexican star Cuahtemoc Blanco has stated, “I don’t play in any ‘friendlies’, and certainly not against the US”. It’s on.

Why a soccer post? Well, I think we posted one a few months (years?) back, to a rousing reader reaction. I think it got two posts from people who aren’t TMS bartenders. I’ll admit right now, I have not been drinking, nor do I plan on getting drunk. I get too riled up in this rivalry as it is, and I don’t want to end up throwing my laptop. Aight den.

The US has come out debuting a new jersey. Gone is the white with the off-centered stripe. I always found that a classic look. I’m not so sure about these new ones, they kind of look like skinny Michelin Men. Although we certainly have done much worse. And who can forget these? Enough of that, I’m no Paul Lukas…

0:00 Is Julie Foudy good looking? I’m not sure. Depends on the angle, the lighting, the outfit - she’s a lot like Rachel Ray in that regard. She does have her some big UFC fighter-like jowls on her. Better have Sen. Specter question her for HGH.

0:00 What a surprise, the Houston crowd appears to be overly pro-Mexico. The broadcast is generously estimating it’s 20% USA fans. Not so sure about that. Over 70,000 total.

0:00 Yes! We get John Harkes and JP Dellacamera for announcers. SOOO much better than O’Brien and Wynalda. Trust me, this is a good thing. Ooops! We also have Pedro Gomez outside. Isn’t he supposed to be hiding in Barry Bonds bushes?

0:00 A promo on Landon Donovan? Get out of town! It’s hard to like the guy, but it’s hard to ignore his past exploits against Mexico. We’ll pile on and call him Landycakes from here on out…

0:00 What is the deal with that salute Mexicans do during their anthem? It looks like something a fascist regime would endorse.

0:00 USA’s anthem being played. I can’t tell if there’s any booing. It’s happened in the past, and in Mexico, the crowd chanted “OSAMA!” at the US fans. Class!

0:01 AND WE’RE UNDERWAY!

2:10 Hard foul by Clark. The first of many? To be sure

3:15 All of the play at the bottom of the screen is behind the score crawl. Annoying.

3:45 First decent chance, Bautista from Mexico can’t convert. Mexico is controlling the action

4:30 Shaq passed his physical. Was donut eating one of the activities?

7:59 Convey oles a Mexican defender, takes a dive, gets the call. Hands down the worst part of soccer. Probably a reason why its not big with casual US sports fans.

8:55: Scoring op for the US off a horrible service by Landycakes. Blocked easily by Marquez.

10:45 US is playing their typical “Bradleyball” – slow and methodical, content to try and counter-attack.

12:20 Rafa Marquez may play for the big Euro club, Barca, but he’s still a pansy and looks like a homo with his headband. Can you tell he’s my favorite?

14:14 I wish Marquez’s fellow cheapshot artist, Oswaldo Sanchez was in goal for Mexico. It’d be another person for me to hate on. Girlfriend of Hundley (GOH) has already said I’m being too negative. Oooh! The new goalie has a queer headband too! Que bonita!

15:45 Altidore with a nice op! But pretty boy Marquez goes down after being breathed on. Nice to see Altidore getting a start at such a young age (18).

16:45 A chip into the US box and Howard makes a leaping save and has a nasty collision with Bocanegra. Looks like Boca took a nasty elbow to the face. For once, a player is down on the ground and writhing in pain when it appears to be legit.

18:50 Bocanegra is okay and back on the field. That’s good, he’s a pivotal part of the defense and one of the better players on the US. His name also translates to Black Mouth. I’m not sure what to think of that, but this comes to mind

19: 59 Free kick for Mexico is headed away easily. Howard is flipping out, as goalies usually do. If you did this to your teammates in any other sport you’d get thumped.

21:10 Bradley gets deeked by Salcito and puts a good shot on goal, saved easily by Howard.

21:45 And another shot on goal by Mexico! Saved again. Mexico continues to control.

22:51 A backheel shot by Bautista! Blocked. A follow up and blocked out of bounds. Corner kick for Mexico.

24:21 Sloppy play by the US, they can’t seem to string together a good possession.

25:14 Have you guys been reading http://unprofessionalfoul.blogspot.com yet? It’s LB’s other blog. No, I do not have a mancrush on LB. Fellow barkeep Brant Brown has taught me that it’s okay to hate everyone and most things in life as well.

26:00 Mexico has new uni’s. It seems they didn’t use color guard because they’re a pale green. Pretty ugly, they look like generic jerseys you’d get at Walmart. Can you tell the game’s uneventful thus far?

26:50 Hard shot on goal by Dempsey. Pitiful chance, easily saved. At least it’s a shot.

28:00 Corner for the US after a nice run and pass by Landycakes. And they get nothing.

28:48 GOAL BY ONYEWU!!! After a throw-in by Gooch, Landycakes served a high volley and Onyewu went far post – off the post. Good to be as tall and athletic as Gooch! 1-0 USA

28:49 GOH makes a screaming shriek. “He can use his head?” I’m speechless. I’m also wondering why I’ve never heard that exhilarated scream in bed. Back to the game…

31:23 The US definitely look charged up by the score as they now are playing more aggressively.

33:02 Hard foul by the US. Free kick to Mexico, dangerously close, just off the corner of the 18.

33:58 MEXICO GOAL by Magallon off the free kick. It looked to hit the top bar. Official says it’s good. Moor got beat with a header to the back. Beautiful service. Probably could have been headed in by Bautista as well. Tie game 1-1

36:47 Another GREAT chance for Mexico! Stopped by Howard. Very close.

37:21 Salcido makes a rough tackle on Landycakes. Salcido gets a yellow card.

38:12 Now Mexico is charged up, bringing on strong attacks and keeping in their half, they keep dropping haymakers, Howard punching them away!

39:12 GOAL FOR ALTIDORE! A patented counter-attack in the Bradleyball philosophy. A great service by Moor and Altidore headed the ball past the frozen keeper. Altidore gets his first goal for the National Team. 2-1 USA

40:28 Back and forth! Howard makes another great save.

41:08 GOAL FOR DEMPSEY!! Wait, no it wasn’t they called it off. Offsides? Foul? No explanation…I suspect the Soviets are somehow involved.

42:11 Pardo gets a free kick for Mexico and his service is saved easily by Howard. Howard throws the normal goalie temper tantrum after grabbing it. Please stop. I may resort to Tourette’s jokes, Tim.

44:38 Sweet move by Altidore, turned away. Altidore has looked good so far when he touches the ball, which hasn’t happened enough.

46:01 Hard foul by Bradley, he gets a yellow card. Looks frustrated from his subpar play so far.

HALFTIME

Official told coach Bradley that Dempsey’s goal was disallowed due to offsides. What? No fucking way! Now I’m suspecting French interference. The US leads by a goal but were outplayed through much of the first half. Not a huge surprise, that’s how most of the US/MEX matchups have gone for the last few years. US has once again taken advantage of counter-attacks. Got into the suds more than I thought, put down 3 thus far. High Life bottles (snow hindered my normal game ritual of Sierra Nevada. My fingers are hurting from my hunt-and-peck typing. How did Lingering Bursitis do this for 4 hours? Madness.

45:20 I just noticed that Mexican midfielder Bautista has a white headband on as well AND he has dyed blond hair. Probably a Ricky Martin fan.

46:58 GOAL BY MEXICO. Magallon with an easy header coming off a set play. The US has been horrible on set plays. And we’re supposed to be better on those. Tied up 2-2

49:11 Altidore gets tackled hard…and gets up immediately. Refreshing.

50:26 GOH: “Do they get to keep the ball if it goes into the stands like baseball?”

51:21 Jesus Christ! We look awful. Mexico keeps pouring it on. How do you say ‘blitzkrieg’ en espanol?

52:29 Altidore with a shot! Headed wide, but still making something happen. The Haitian immigrant is making the most of his shot.

53:36 Howard makes a save and kicks the ball away as he’s tackled. A slight scrum ensues as Howard throws a backhanded swipe. It’s getting intense…

54:59 Another big shot from Arce. The Mexican fans are going nuts. Their fucking plastic horns are beyond annoying. Think thundersticks are bad? Multiply it by 5.

57:00 Bobby Convey is out of his league. He’s getting eaten up.

58:05 Great move by Bautista, and Clark fouls him. Another free kick for Mexico as they use a sub. Save made by Howard.

59:55 Bautista is killing us, killer back heel, nice shot on goal, deflected out for a corner. US defense is looking shaky

61:00 Freddie Adu and Benny Feilhaber warming up on the side as the US thwarts another Mexican attack. Subs come in. Bradley and Dempsey are out. 2 teens in for the US with Adu and Altidore.

63:15 The Mexican subs are wearing the headbands as well. I can’t hear, but I think they’re jamming to Enrique Iglesias and speaking in lisps.

65:56 Better ball control by US, but they’re not doing anything with it.

67:01 A headbanded sub comes on for Mexico (Cacho).

68:46 Gooch gets a yellow for a soft tackle. On the heels of getting beaten by Cacho. Free kick from 30 yards.

69:42 Convey thankfully comes off. Eddie Lewis in, he looks like he’s 48. Bautista is off for Mexico, Zinha in.

70:30 Pretty boy Marquez hits the free kick wide left. Another Mexican sub in, this one with a normal headband. Dos Santos.

71:48 GOH is wondering why so many Mexican players have dyed hair. I bite my tongue.

73:20 Corner for the US. Landycakes is wearing orange shoes. Why?

75:33 Altidore draws a yellow for a string of hard fouls. We look frustrated. Where is Donovan?

78:36 Morris Edu on for the US as the US get a free kick from deep. Decent op, offsides US

84:19 Typical soccer move. A Mexican defender goes down, a stretcher is brought out, and he miraculously gets up and runs off. Absolutely amazing. We haven’t even gotten to the miracle “cold” spray yet.

87:04 This one looks to be heading for a draw. Booo.

88:00 Bad foul by Corrales, just outside the corner of the box. Yellow card. Dangerous free kick here with how we’ve been struggling. Perhaps we’re distracted by the headbands?

92:45 Great play from Adu, drawing a yellow card from a Mexican defender. Free kick. Last chance?

93:25 Landycakes service was headed away as the final whistle blows. You know what else blew? The US offense.

I’m not sure much can be taken from the game in the positive category. Well, Altidore did impress in his starting debut, but the US didn’t have the ball enough in the offensive half. Pedro Gomez is interviewing Mexican hero, Magallon, who is saying it’s a moral victory for Mexico. I would concur.

Thank God we’re getting close to baseball season.

Poor Man's War Criminal: ABC's MLS Cup Broadcast

I suspect a big part of soccer's struggles in the US can be traced to the absolutely atrocious coverage of the MLS on TV. Sunday's coverage of the 2007 MLS Cup on ABC is a perfect example. ABC is boasting that its broadcast in HD, has 21 cameras, and an on-site studio. That hardly tells the whole story though. Here are some issues:

1. The game wasn't promoted. Had my TV not been tuned to ABC when I turned it on Sunday morning, I likely wouldn't have seen the game. I knew it would be on at some point, but didn't know it was on at 9am PST. My Sunday morning ritual of watching The NFL Today would have continued and spilled right into watching the crappy Chargers/Jags game. Did anyone see a single advertisement for this game?

2. The announcers are awful. This isn't just an ABC problem, its MLS wide. American soccer announcers are boring. If we can import Beckham to bring some excitement to American soccer, why can't we bring in some English announcers to show some real passion?

3. Those announcers, Eric Wynalda & Dave O'Brien, never tell you who anyone is. This is probably the first time many people have seen the New England Revolution and Houston Dynamo. They should be saying the players names every time they touch the ball to help you learn the teams.

4. They get Jimmy Eat World to play halftime, but don't carry the performance on the broadcast. Like it or not, the halftime shows at big events like this can bring in a lot of casual fans. I realize ABC needs to sell adtime, which is limited in a soccer match (there are no commercials during the two halves), but they didn't cut away to show ads! They cut away from the halftime show to do a countdown of the best MLS plays of the year.

FYI...Houston defeats New England 2-1 to win their 2nd straight cup. The Revolution have now lost the championship game 4 times in only 12 years of the MLS. FINALLY something you Boston haters can latch on to.

Pledging Allegiance 2: The Galaxy Strike Back

A couple weeks ago, I opined on the difficult task of trying to settle on an MLS team to root for. At that time I narrowed it down to the LA Galaxy and Colorado Rapids, vowing to attend the match between them on September 8th to see which one felt like my team.

Given the Galaxy's nosedive (they had lost 6 straight going into this one) and comments by TMS readers supportive of Colorado, I figured the Rapids would be a lock. Nothing compares to attending a game in person though and that definitely shaped my outlook. I am prepared to tell you now, in front of Jesus, Muhammed, Bhudda, and Zoroaster, that the LA Galaxy are my MLS team.

The Stadium

The Home Depot Center in ghetto-ass Carson, CA is a fantastic state of the art facility. I had good seats, $33 marked down to $12 (there was a fire-sale on tickets with no Beckham), but I walked around the place before the game and I can safely say there are no bad seats here.

The crowd was pretty big long before the game started, which I reluctantly must admit is a pleasant surprise for Los Angeles. The promotional booths had a decidedly international flavor which wasn't surprising considering the interest the average NASCAR watching American sports fan has in soccer (none). You could get pictures taken with some busty Spanish soap stars and then walk around the corner to pound a pint of Guinness with all the European exiles. I wore my England jersey, and I wasn't alone in doing so by a long shot. Lots of pasty redheaded people walking around here - I haven't felt this much at home since I was in London.

Beer & Nachos

Beer is pretty far down my list of things I care about at a sporting event, but when you have Tecate on tap I have to mention it. 16oz for $8, which is bad, but not that bad considering what I pay for Heineken at Dodgers Stadium.

If you want regular nachos, just pre-empt the girl at the counter and tell her you want regular nachos or "gavacho nachos" so they don't ask you whether you want steak or chicken. No, ma'am, just highly processed liquid cheese and month old jalapenos for me please.

The Game and the Fans

As I already mentioned, Beckham was out and Landon Donovan was nowhere to be seen either. I have since found out that he was playing in the friendly match versus Brazil, attended by The Hundley. LA still had Cobi Jones though, whom I'm happy to report is no more than 4 feet tall. The Galaxy also have Abel Xavier, the Portuguese defender who can give Beckham a run for his metrosexual money.

The fans are really rabid. I like it. Hearing 17,000 (I'm guessing, the place looked to be about 2/3rds full) scream for the ref's head makes me wonder what its like sitting in Old Trafford when the ref makes a bad call.

Everything I've mentioned thus far have been points in favor of the Galaxy. Colorado wasn't doing much to help or hurt their cause, but then it happened...flopping.

The only time I've ever enjoyed flopping is when Karl Malone did it. When anyone else does it, they can go to hell. Its annoying. No fewer than four times in this game was a Colorado player guilty of a flop. Totally unacceptable.

The night produced a 3-1 Galaxy victory, but that was almost an afterthought. I had bigger fish to fry: picking a team. The tipping point was just being in the home stadium with a raucous and engaged crowd around you. These are your guys on the field and your people around you in the crowd. Rooting for an out of town team will never give you that same feeling. They're bad now, but they'll get better and when they do it will make the games at the Home Depot Center all the more exciting.

Is Beckham injured or just out with the wife shopping for her next pair of ginormous sunglasses?

The Beautiful Game

Sunday, September 9th 2007

Soldier's Field, Chicago, IL

I was lucky enough to get a ticket to the International Friendly that occurred this past weekend in Chicago between the USA and #1 World Rank, Brazil. The match was billed as 'Clash of the Champions' since Brazil won the CONMEBOL Cup and the US won the CONCACAF Cup - basically North American champ against the South American Champ. Perhaps Clash of the Champions was technically correct, although by that rationale, a match pitting American hero, Joey Chestnut against your uncle that can eat the most hotdogs at your family reunion would also qualify...so, whatever.

As the two or three of you who follow soccer can testify, this match was particularly exciting because Brazil was bringing some of the world's best footballers, namely Ronaldinho and Kaka. Yes, bigtime Brazilian soccer players go by one name. (When I discovered this phenomenon in high school, I instructed all of my teachers and friends to refrain from calling me Nick Swanson. From here on out I would simply go by 'The Hundley'.) Much like the previous Soldier's Field game I went to against Mexico, the crowd was at least 80% for the visiting team. Oddly enough, many people I talked to who were clad in Brazil jerseys were not Brazilian, nor had any family ties to Brazil, they simply liked them. What has become of patriotism?

The tailgating scene was not quite on par with the Iowa/NIU game the week before, but was spirited nonetheless. Samba and salsa music was all the rage, as was the practice of grilling exotic recipes on the charcoal grill. Being a previous US game tailgater, I decided to try my hand at doing some carne asada with beans and all the fixins. In what could only be deemed a great success, we actually had Sport TV from Brazil stop by our site and film me grilling and heating up refried beans. They were a might bit shocked to learn that I could not reply to their inquiries in Portuguese, and moved on. Yes, The Hundley is now a star in South America. Positively buzzed and working on great sunburns, we headed into the stadium to grab our $105 tickets.

The stadium was about 3/4 full, with the announced attendance being around 43,000, a far cry from the Mexico sellout, but still impressive. Seeing the teams warmup, I was shocked to see how hard the Brazilians went while warming up. Expecting to see loafing because they knew they could beat us with their B-squad, I was surprised to see the two hardest working were their two best players (and perhaps two of THE BEST in the world), Ronaldinho and Kaka. After going through the introductions and both anthems, it was time to roll.

I'll spare you the details (you can read a recap here if you wish), but know that watching Brazil play was watching poetry in motion. Yeah, that's a bit sappy, but look at it as if seeing Jordan carve fools up, or Maddux working efficiently in his prime. It was something that even soccer newbies noticed - "I don't really know much about soccer, but I know those guys are good."

The US played much better than I had anticipated, but even at 4-2, the game wasn't close. Brazil vastly outplayed and outworked the US, with Ronaldinho dictating the action and making the crowd 'Oooh' and 'Ahh' with his flashy dribbling and passing, and ultimately scoring an impressive goal from a free kick, Beckham be damned. The score would have been much worse had the US not had Tim Howard in the net deflecting point-blank shots and making spectacular saves, even after dislocating his finger.

I'm not here to try and convert you all to soccer, just bringing awareness of The World's Game. I'd strongly recommend watching a game sometime, preferably a European league game or an international competition. I think you'd definitely develop an appreciation for 'The Beautiful Game'. Otherwise you can just pepper the comments section with homophobic taunts! Ciao!

Click the pictures to see them in high-res. No I don't work for the AP, stop asking.

Both starting squads hit the field with their accompanying 'mini squads'.

US Defender Steve Cherundolo serves a long pass into the box


Ronaldinho on a corner kick


Bend it like 'El Gaucho'


Funny, DaMarcus, I don't remember you playing?

When in Rome, make carne asada. It may get you on Portuguese speaking TV.


I don't know how to say 'Super Fan' en portuguesa

Pledging Allegiance

Its time for me to chose sides: I need to pick an MLS team to root for. I've wasted enough time. This task has proven to be easier said than done though. There are only 13 teams, but each presents their own challenges. I'll walk you through my thinking.

First off, lets just dismiss the Eastern Division out of hand. I have no connection to any of these places and I would never see a match in person or on TV. Beyond that, seriously, The Columbus Crew? Toronto FC? I'll pass. New York's team is actually named after an energy drink. Talk about selling out. That leaves six teams, but two are in Texas and that presents the same issues the Eastern Division teams do, so put those in the no column as well.

We're down to four: Los Angeles Galaxy, Chivas USA, Real Salt Lake, and Colorado Rapids.

Los Angeles Galaxy - The Galaxy are the most obvious choice and they've always been in the back of my head as the team I would be for if I decided to go in whole hog, but there's a problem now: David Beckham and his ghastly plastic wife.

They are the home team & one of the founding members of MLS. They are two-time MLS champions & two-time US Open Cup champions. They probably have the coolest uniforms in MLS too, which as girly as that sounds is something one needs to consider. You don't want to root for a team if you'd be embarassed to wear their gear. How many fans did the Buccaneers lose when they had tangerine uniforms?

In spite of that, I would feel like a douchebag if I declared myself a Galaxy fan now. People would assume I'm doing it because of the overhyped, overpaid, and oversexed David Beckham. They would probably assume I was gay too.

All of that could be overcome though if not for his trendy prozac popping wife. Beckham is a good player and god bless him if he can help vault the MLS over crappy sports like senior women's lacrosse and the NHL. Unfortunately, David and Victoria come as a package. He is that friend of yours that drifted off into oblivion after marriage because he couldn't be peeled away from his shrill harpee of a wife and her enormous $700 sunglasses.

Chivas USA - The other LA team...the Clippers of MLS if you will. Chivas is actually better than the Galaxy this year, but they're the new kids on the block here in LA. Yes, we have two football teams, but no football team.

Chivas is an odd case. They were founded by the owner of the Mexican team Chivas that hails from Guadalajara and are designed to appeal to Los Angeles' large Latino population. The club's official language is Spanish and they have no English radio broadcast. In spite of this, they have a Jewish midfielder.

Aside from the fact that I do not want to root for the Clippers of any sport, I'm not Latin. Not even close. Nothing against Latinos, but if this team is going to be primarily covered in Spanish, I'll be lost. Also, their uniforms make me want to order a corn dog.

Real Salt Lake - I wouldn't have much connection to Real Salt Lake other than my inexplicable die hard devotion to the Utah Jazz, but its worth considering. I love Utah and likely would have moved there years ago had it not been a theocracy run by the Ayatollah Gordon B. Hinckley. Alas, it is, and I'm in California.

Real Salt Lake have the noteworthy status of being the worst team in MLS. Since I don't root for a perennial underdog, this would be a new twist on things for me. The name is supposed to invoke Real Madrid, an international powerhouse, and the locals in SLC didn't seem to get that. They were in an uproar over it. Real Salt Lake also laid claim to Freddy Adu, albeit briefly.

Colorado Rapids - First off, let me say these guys get points for actually having a dot-com and not a shootoff of the MLS page. While the Galaxy are my current home team, I would give the Rapids a 50/50 shot of being my future home team when I flee this place for good.

Like the Galaxy, the Rapids are one of the ten original MLS teams. They've had some success, making both an MLS and US Open final, losing each time. They're pretty much middle of the pack and nondescript at this point. I see these as strong points as they would solve the problem of any bandwagoning accusations I might encounter with the Galaxy.

So there are the choices. I have to say, Chivas and Real Salt Lake aren't really in the running here. Chivas just isn't a good fit and poor Real Salt Lake doesn't have enough going for them. That leaves a deathmatch between Colorado and the Galaxy. When I started writing this, I had almost resigned myself to an existence as a LA Galaxy fan, but the Rapids make a damn strong case.

I will see how things play out. Colorado and the Galaxy have a match on the 8th of September that would probably be a good one to go to. It would be a great way to see which one feels like my team.

Note: The Galaxy looked absolutely dreadful in last night's Super Clasico against Chivas USA. They lost 3-0 and all three goals were embarassing.