It's Kurtains

Today, the Sultan of Stubble called it a career, and a remarkable one at that. Unlike some other aging QB's, we can probably take this one at his word.

Always a TMS favorite (particularly of yours truly), Captain Kurt leaves behind a memorable and wholly unique, if inexplicable, legacy. Kurt was one of the good guys, which was both his blessing and his curse. He didn't have the pedigree of a Manning, the aw shucks charm of a Favre, the GQ suave of a Brady or the athleticism of...well, anyone really. His spiky haired wife (who has now settled into hot cougar mode) and huge mancrush on God made him an easy target for sarcastic bloggers and the like, and he never hosted SNL or starred in his own Mastercard commercial.

His career was an exercise in perseverance, where nothing came easy, even if at times he made playing his position seem that way. Because of this perseverance, he was not only able to resurrect his career, but two of the most downtrodden franchises in NFL history along the way. He retires one of the most accurate and feared passers in NFL history, whose storybook life, big game moxie and cache of records have assured him a place in Canton.

From one Panther to another, Kurt I salute you. Those wings at BW3's won't taste the same without you.

You Make the Call: Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler..................................or..................................Jay Cutler

Nobody cares how great of an arm you have if you keep throwing your perfect spiral 15 yards ahead of your receiver!

You Make the Call: Kyle Orton

You make the call...


Kyle Orton........................................or...........................Kyle Orton

I am an exceptional thief quarterback!

Brant's Rant

First off, welcome back to the NFL. We missed you greatly.

NFL Division Matchups in Week 1: Does anyone else think that it might not be the best idea to play divisional rivals during the first week of the season? By it's nature, we witness quite a bit of rust during Week 1, as most starters do not play in the last pre-season game, and new players have yet to fully click with their teammates and gameplans. I do not mean this as an excuse for poor opening game performances, but I think it is a fair argument. For example, the Bears and Packers both looked like they were working out kinks on offense last night. If the Bears are going to have a game scheduled with a non-conference opponent like the Bengals, why not slot that in for the first week of the season, instead of an important game with a divisional foe? It would allow the players a full game to get their sea legs under them, and potential tie-breaker scenarios at the end of the season would not be dictated by what is often a less than stellar first game. Logistically, the NFL schedule is not nearly as difficult to piece together as the MLB schedule. I do not see a logical reason as to why non-conference teams, or at the very least teams outside of your division, cannot be scheduled for Week 1.

Pepsi's "Forever Young" Commercial: This commercial, featuring Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" as sung by some rapper named William, was first introduced to us during last February's Superbowl. Early this spring, in a shrewd bit of advertising, Pepsi spliced old baseball footage into the commercial and aired it on a near-continuous loop on the Major League Baseball network, amongst other stations. After six months of bombardment, the first notes of the song have come to elicit anger, hitting, and the throwing of various objects in the Brown household (mostly by Mrs. Brown). But hey, baseball season is drawing to a close, so the commercial will soon go quietly into that good night, right? Apparently not. A revamped version came on during the Steelers/Titans game, naturally with old football footage taking the place of baseball. This could quickly surpass John Mellencamp's "Our Country" song for Chevy as the most painful ad campaign ever.

Anthony Bourdain's Lack of Traveling: If you watch "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations", you'll likely have noticed that the overwhelming majority of episodes this season take place in the United States. I'd like to give the Travel Channel the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps Bourdain just wants to stay closer to home for a while. What I really hope is that the Travel Channel isn't citing the recent economic downturn as their reason for keeping Bourdain in the states. Maybe they don't have the budget of recent years, but if they indeed have chosen to ground Bourdain in favor of such one trick ponies as Andrew Zimmern and "Bite Me with Dr. Mike", then we are all being cheated. Bourdain actually brings something intellectual and personal to the table, two qualities which are increasingly lacking in our short attention span, shock value television of late.

Clint Dempsey (American soccer player): Please help me out here Clint. You make me so sad when I watch you play soccer. Are you going for the "Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3" look, or the "two days out of Auschwitz" look? For the love of God man, eat something; smile on occasion; grow your hair back out a half-inch. Please pretend that you're happy and love your job, because this could very well be a pivotal year for American soccer. So many impressionable kids are looking up to you.

The FOX Robot: Countless blogs and commenters have chided FOX for their idiotic graphic robot (you know which one I'm talking about). Many of us were secretly praying that the network would finally ditch this gimmick for the 2009 season. I didn't even want to mention it to my friends over the last few weeks for fear of jinxing it. Alas, they did not scrap the damn robot. I suppose you can give FOX kudos for their conviction, though we would rather that you did not.

A Non-Rant: I despise USC football. I'm a Big Ten guy by nature, and living in Southern California, I am tired of all the USC ball-washing. That being said, I am fairly interested in the Mark Sanchez-led Jets. I suspect that they will be on television quite a few times in our region, and I vow to maintain an interest in how they fare.

Release The Meatheads!

The NFL season is nearly upon us. It's impossible not to realize, even if you're not a fan of the game. It gets thrust down our throat like a plot in a Linda Lovelace film. I'm not here to argue about whether football is better than baseball (it's not). Obviously it's a huge enterprise. Fantasy football has to be the unquestioned king in the Fantasy Sports World, Parlay cards are done all over in shady fashion, NFL Ticket on DirecTV is far and away their biggest PPV package, and local bars around the country line their pockets on otherwise slow Sunday afternoons.

The problem with football is the meathead contingency. It goes hand-in-hand with the NFL, and why wouldn't it? More than any other mainstream sport, the NFL is built around and dominated by the Alpha Male. Bigger, faster, and stronger is the name of the game. For as much as the NFL tries to make the game safer with advancement in equipment technology or rules to protect the QBs, many of the TV highlights are dominated by supreme tackles or punishment doled out by O-linemen or running backs (see ESPN's "JACK'D UP!" segment).

But really, why not? That's what we all want to see. We all want to be entertained. That's not the problem for me. For me it's all about the Meathead Mentality. As much as the players can be supreme, Alpha Meatheads (Ray Lewis, anyone? Gilbert Brown's grave digger dance? Brian Urlacher whenever he grunts out a monosyllabic interview?), that doesn't even matter. That's part of the charm. Like I said, we're at The Coliseum to see the gladiators. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? No, it's the other aspects that sully the experience.

Don't believe me? Then I guess you've never watched an NFL broadcast, specifically on Fox. As bad as Terry "The Bumpkin" Bradshaw is on the pregame, it's the actual game broadcasts that it becomes laughable. Brian Baldinger, (formerly) Mike Golic, Tony Siragusa, Michael Strahan, Bill Maas, jeepers creepers. Talking is not an option, it's all about yelling whenever you want and jabbering about food. What do these mutants do when they're not on TV? I'm guessing it involves dragging their wife around the house by their hair, cavemanning them, yelling, getting tattoos, grunting, asking for weight bench spots at the gym, and possessing the inability to read.

Maybe even worse yet is going to a bar to watch a game. Good Lord, it's like every bar is hosting a national fraternity reunion or casting for a new season of VH1's "Tool Academy". There's no problem with cheering, the camaraderie almost makes it worth the money you waste by watching it there instead of at home. But how many times have you seen a guy, usually donning a Steelers or Cowboys jersey, yelling at the referee on TV over a pass interference call? And I mean YELLING like someone just shot his mom. Two minutes later you'll see this same ape doing the loud clap when his team covers a punt well or gets a first down after a close measurement. God forbid that Apey's team loses. Even his already embarrassed ladyfriend can't console him in his great depression. (Also see: Raiders fans, Da Bearsss Super Fans, Cleveland Dawgs, Minnesota fan in full 12th century Norseman Viking gear)

Thanks for ruining my NFL experience. Like I said, this isn't a baseball vs football argument...ah, fuck it. I'll take a World Series over a Super Bowl any day.

TMS 2009 Fantasy Football Player Rankings

A while back I posted my QB rankings. Now I'm back with and updated version of the QB list as well as my rankings for RB, WR, TE, K and Team Defense. I also have rankings for IDP but not today. I'll post those later this week (UPDATE: Now posted here).

So here they are. Read them, use them, mock them, take them to the bathroom, turn on the faucet and have "alone time" with them. Whatever your nerdy little heart desires.

QUARTERBACK (updated 8/30)

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Drew Brees, NO	16.	Matt Hasselbeck, SEA
2.	Tom Brady, NE	17.	David Garrard, JAC
3.	Peyton Manning, IND	18.	Kyle Orton, DEN
4.	Aaron Rodgers, GB	19.	Brett Favre, MIN
5.	Philip Rivers, SD	20.	Trent Edwards, BUF
6.	Kurt Warner, ARI	21.	Jake Delhomme, CAR
7.	Tony Romo, DAL	22.	Joe Flacco, BAL
8.	Donovan McNabb, PHI	23.	Jason Campbell, WAS
9.	Matt Schaub, HOU	24.	Chad Pennington, MIA
10.	Jay Cutler, CHI	25.	Shaun Hill, SF
11.	Matt Ryan, ATL	26.	Marc Bulger, STL
12.	Carson Palmer, CIN	27.	Brady Quinn, CLE
13.	Ben Roethlisberger, PIT	28.	JaMarcus Russell, OAK
14.	Matt Cassel, KC	29.	Kerry Collins, TEN
15.	Eli Manning, NYG	30.	Mark Sanchez, NYJ

On the edge of the radar: Byron Leftwich TB, Matthew Stafford DET, Daunte Culpepper DET, Michael Vick PHI, Luke McCown TB, Derek Anderson CLE


RUNNING BACK (updated 8/24)

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Adrian Peterson, MIN	26.	Reggie Bush, NO
2.	Maurice Jones-Drew, JAC	27.	Willie Parker, PIT
3.	Matt Forte, CHI	28.	Jonathan Stewart, CAR
4.	Michael Turner, ATL	29.	Ray Rice, BAL
5.	Steven Jackson, STL	30.	Cedric Benson, CIN
6.	Chris Johnson, TEN	31.	LenDale White, TEN
7.	DeAngelo Williams, CAR	32.	Chris Wells, ARI
8.	LaDainian Tomlinson, SD	33.	Jamal Lewis, CLE
9.	Frank Gore, SF	34.	Donald Brown, IND
10.	Steve Slaton, HOU	35.	Felix Jones, DAL
11.	Marion Barber, DAL	36.	Earnest Graham, TB
12.	Brandon Jacobs, NYG	37.	Julius Jones, SEA
13.	Clinton Portis, WAS	38.	Darren Sproles, SD
14.	Brian Westbrook, PHI	39.	Fred Jackson, BUF
15.	Ronnie Brown, MIA	40.	Tim Hightower, ARI
16.	Kevin Smith, DET	41.	Ahmad Bradshaw, NYG
17.	Pierre Thomas, NO	42.	LeSean McCoy, PHI
18.	Ryan Grant, GB	43.	Jerious Norwood, ATL
19.	Darren McFadden, OAK	44.	Willis McGahee, BAL
20.	Marshawn Lynch, BUF	45.	Leon Washington, NYJ
21.	Thomas Jones, NYJ	46.	Chester Taylor, MIN
22.	Larry Johnson, KC	47.	Rashard Mendenhall, PIT
23.	Joseph Addai, IND	48.	Fred Taylor, NE
24.	Knowshon Moreno, DEN	49.	LeRon McClain, BAL
25.	Derrick Ward, TB	50.	Ricky Williams, MIA

On the edge of the radar: Sammy Morris NE, Michael Bush OAK, Shonn Greene NYJ, Laurence Maroney NE, Jamaal Charles KC, T.J. Duckett SEA, Ladell Betts WAS, Justin Fargas OAK, Correll Buckhalter DEN, James Davis CLE, Kevin Faulk NE, Maurice Morris DET, Edgerrin James SEA


WIDE RECEIVER (updated 8/25)

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Larry Fitzgerald, ARI	26.	Bernard Berrian, MIN
2.	Andre Johnson, HOU	27.	Lee Evans, BUF
3.	Randy Moss, NE	28.	Santana Moss, WAS
4.	Calvin Johnson, DET	29.	Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ
5.	Reggie Wayne, IND	30.	Lance Moore, NO
6.	Greg Jennings, GB	31.	Laveranues Coles, CIN
7.	Steve Smith, CAR	32.	Donald Driver, GB
8.	Roddy White, ATL	33.	Kevin Walter, HOU
9.	Anquan Boldin, ARI	34.	Devin Hester, CHI
10.	Marques Colston, NO	35.	Torry Holt, JAC
11.	Dwayne Bowe, KC	36.	Derrick Mason, BAL
12.	Wes Welker, NE	37.	Steve Breaston, ARI
13.	Terrell Owens, BUF	38.	Donnie Avery, STL
14.	Chad Ochocinco, CIN	39.	Ted Ginn, MIA
15.	T.J. Houshmandzadeh, SEA	40.	Chris Chambers, SD
16.	Brandon Marshall, DEN	41.	Josh Morgan, SF
17.	Roy Williams, DAL	42.	Justin Gage, TEN
18.	Vincent Jackson, SD	43.	Domenik Hixon, NYG
19.	Braylon Edwards, CLE	44.	Muhsin Muhammad, CAR
20.	Eddie Royal, DEN	45.	Patrick Crayton, DAL
21.	Santonio Holmes, PIT	46.	Chris Henry, CIN
22.	Anthony Gonzalez, IND	47.	Nate Washington, TEN
23.	Antonio Bryant, TB	48.	Kevin Curtis, PHI
24.	DeSean Jackson, PHI	49.	Percy Harvin, MIN
25.	Hines Ward, PIT	50.	Steve Smith, NYG

On the edge of the radar: Michael Crabtree SF, Nate Burleson SEA, Deion Branch SEA, Mark Clayton BAL, Bobby Engram KC, Davone Bess MIA, Jeremy Maclin PHI, Michael Jenkins ATL, Earl Bennett CHI, Isaac Bruce SF, Sidney Rice MIN, Miles Austin DAL, Mark Bradley KC, Brian Robiskie CLE, Hakeem Nicks NYG


TIGHT END

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Jason Witten, DAL	11.	Zach Miller, OAK
2.	Antonio Gates, SD	12.	Jeremy Shockey, NO
3.	Tony Gonzalez, ATL	13.	Visanthe Shiancoe, MIN
4.	Dallas Clark, IND	14.	Kevin Boss, NYG
5.	Greg Olsen, CHI	15.	Heath Miller, PIT
6.	Chris Cooley, WAS	16.	Tony Scheffler, DEN
7.	Kellen Winslow, TB	17.	Bo Scaife, TEN
8.	Owen Daniels, HOU	18.	Brent Celek, PHI
9.	John Carlson, SEA	19.	Anthony Fasano, MIA
10.	Dustin Keller, NYJ	20.	Vernon Davis, SF

On the edge of the radar: Todd Heap BAL, Brandon Pettigrew DET, Donald Lee GB, Randy McMichael STL, Marcedes Lewis JAC, Martellus Bennett DAL


KICKER

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Stephen Gostkowski, NE	11.	John Kasay, CAR
2.	Rob Bironas, TEN	12.	Kris Brown, HOU
3.	David Akers, PHI	13.	Garrett Hartley, NO
4.	Mason Crosby, GB	14.	Lawrence Tynes, NYG
5.	Jason Elam, ATL	15.	Rian Lindell, BUF
6.	Nate Kaeding, SD	16.	Adam Vinatieri, IND
7.	Ryan Longwell, MIN	17.	Josh Brown, STL
8.	Nick Folk, DAL	18.	Jeff Reed, PIT
9.	Robbie Gould, CHI	19.	Shayne Graham, CIN
10.	Neil Rackers, ARI	20.	Joe Nedney, SF

On the edge of the radar: Matt Prater DEN, Matt Bryant TB, Josh Scobee JAC, Phil Dawson CLE, Dan Carpenter MIA


TEAM DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS

RK	TEAM	RK	TEAM
1.	Pittsburgh Steelers	16.	Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2.	Baltimore Ravens	17.	Indianapolis Colts
3.	New York Giants	18.	Arizona Cardinals
4.	Minnesota Vikings	19.	Buffalo Bills
5.	Tennessee Titans	20.	Houston Texans
6.	Philadelphia Eagles	21.	Atlanta Falcons
7.	Dallas Cowboys	22.	San Francisco 49ers
8.	New England Patriots	23.	Jacksonville Jaguars
9.	San Diego Chargers	24.	Seattle Seahawks
10.	Chicago Bears	25.	Oakland Raiders
11.	New York Jets	26.	New Orleans Saints
12.	Miami Dolphins	27.	Denver Broncos
13.	Carolina Panthers	28.	Cleveland Browns
14.	Green Bay Packers	29.	Cincinnati Bengals
15.	Washington Redskins	30.	St. Louis Rams

On the edge of the radar: the AIDS virus, Kansas City Chiefs, being hit with errant bags of piss, Detroit Lions

Check back on Wednesday if you're interested in the IDP rankings.

COCAINE

TMS Fantasy Football 2009 Rankings: Quarterback

It's time once again for my annual fantasy football rankings. Today I'll start with quarterback. Obviously an all-important position for your team and a common one folks tend to panic and reach for come draft day. Luckily I'm here to help.

Wait, so do I draft a QB in the first round?
Eh, depends. I'm still a firm believer in drafting a solid RB first, but if you're in a bigger league and have a late pick it may be worth taking a QB if the top RBs you targeted are gone. That being said if you can't get someone named Drew, Tom or Peyton, don't bother. Wait, I repeat WAIT for a while and target for a QB in the 5th or 6th round. I guarantee someone will still be around that will be a more than suitable starter for you. Focus on getting your top RB and WR spots filled in the first few rounds.

So who wouldn't you pick?
Eli Manning. I won't lie, I hate Eli more than cilantro. Well maybe that's pushing it. I hate him slightly less than cilantro. Either way, Eli's overhyped "talent" does not equate well in the fantasy world. Yes I have him ranked 15th, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't still consider taking guys ranked lower on just a gut instinct when I'm on the clock. Besides, blindly following any cheat sheet as gospel is asinine, even if it's one you've created yourself.

Who would you take later in the draft for a #2 QB?
Sage Rosenfels. He's been around the league for quite a while now and is finally getting a chance to be the #1 starter for a team. This may the first and last time I endorse an Iowa State alum for anything, ever.

What about rookies?
What about them? I'm sure the success of Matt Ryan is going to have folks thinking about Mark Sanchez or Matthew Stafford for their team. Matt Ryan was the exception to the rule. Unless you're in a keeper league and can stash one away for next season, I wouldn't bother on draft day.

Wait, let's back up. You want me to wait if I can't land one of the top 3 QBs right away?
Yes, I'm serious. Look at the top 14 QBs listed. I could live with any of them as my starter. I assure you one of them will still be available come round 5. If not then you're probably in a league of morons and you will still win since you drafted 3 kickass RBs and 1 kickass WRs at that point. Then just draft Sage Rosenfels later and call it good.

Jay Culter or Kyle Orton?
I'm partial to diabetics.

Is drafting a Buffalo QB ever a good decision?
If it were 1991, then yes.

(4 months from now) Dude this advice was bullshit. Sage Rosenfels sucked and Eli Manning ended up being the best fantasy QB of 2009.
But at least you failed with dignity.

Now here are the rankings. If I get a chance I may post an update later this month.

QUARTERBACK

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Drew Brees, NO	16.	Matt Hasselbeck, SEA
2.	Tom Brady, NE	17.	Kyle Orton, DEN
3.	Peyton Manning, IND	18.	Trent Edwards, BUF
4.	Aaron Rodgers, GB	19.	David Garrard, JAC
5.	Philip Rivers, SD	20.	Jason Campbell, WAS
6.	Kurt Warner, ARI	21.	Joe Flacco, BAL
7.	Tony Romo, DAL	22.	Jake Delhomme, CAR
8.	Donovan McNabb, PHI	23.	Chad Pennington, MIA
9.	Jay Cutler, CHI	24.	Shaun Hill, SF
10.	Matt Schaub, HOU	25.	Brady Quinn, CLE
11.	Matt Ryan, ATL	26.	Marc Bulger, STL
12.	Carson Palmer, CIN	27.	Sage Rosenfels, MIN
13.	Ben Roethlisberger, PIT	28.	Kerry Collins, TEN
14.	Matt Cassel, KC	29.	JaMarcus Russell, OAK
15.	Eli Manning, NYG	30.	Mark Sanchez, NYJ

On the edge of the radar: Matthew Stafford DET, Byron Leftwich TB, Daunte Culpepper DET, Luke McCown TB, Kellen Clemens NYJ, Derek Anderson CLE

2009 NFL Draft Drunkblog

Ah, the NFL Draft. So much speculation and drama. And hair. Lots of hair. While I won't be bringing sexy back today, I will be bringing some TMS nostalgia back in the form of a Drunkblog. Odds are I'll only do this for the first round, but only beer will tell. I'll try to remember, even after numerous drinks, that brevity is my friend. God help us all.

My drink of choice: Goose Island Summer Ale. My teams of choice: The Chicago Bears and Arizona Cardinals. Brant Brown's fetish nationality of choice: Asian.

Lots of questions remain today. Will Anquan Boldin be traded? Who will land Mark Sanchez? Will Keyshawn Johnson pontificate? Will Todd McShay and Mel Kiper get into a shirtless knife fight? Stay tuned, as I'll recap all the highlights in an increasingly inebriated state. Expect lots of doldrums and offensive tackles you've never heard of. Let the games begin.

Round 1

3:05 - The Lions select Matthew Stafford, QB. We knew this already though. This is so anti-climatic. I should just shut it off now. Stafford looks like he could potentially develop a weight problem. Will he bust? Who can say. My best guess is that his career turns out to be some sort of Rodney Peete/Chuck Long hybrid. Wrap your mind around that.

3:11 - If the Rams have any balls they'll take Sanchez. I bet they take a tackle instead.

3:15 - Yep. Jason Smith, OT goes to the Rams. Wusses. Mark Bulger is lame. As a Cardinals fan though, this pleases me. In other news, big thumbs up to the Goose Island Summer Ale. I'll have to do a beer project on this stuff.

3:33 - After the Chiefs draft someone irrelevant, the Seahags take Aaron Curry, LB. He's bawling like a baby. Probaby at the thought that he might turn out like his brother, Eddie.

3:36 - Whoa, Chris Mortensen seems drunk. Is he Drunkblogging this for ESPN.com?

3:38 - The Browns trade their pick to the Jets, who take Mark 'Dirty' Sanchez. That was a blockbuster, though not wholly unexpected. Sanchez recalls a young Broadway Joe, so this seems appropriate. Will he inherit Broadway Joe's drinking problem later in life? Time will tell, but the smart money is on 'yes'.

3:48 - Where in God's name is Todd McShay? Did Kiper bludgeon him to death with his draft guide and then stuff his corpse into the trunk of Chris Berman's Buick LeSabre? I have a feeling that only Mark Sanchez knows the answer to that.

3:50 - Ha, the Bengals of course, select Andre Smith OT. It should be noted that Smith is highly regarded as the prospect most likely to bust. Fitting that he'd go to the Bengals.

3:55 - Remember this epic Drunkblog? Lingering Bursitis sure doesn't. And this is only one part of four!

3:57 - The Raiders pull an upset and pick Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR. This guy wasn't even on Kiper's Top 5 WR. But he's really fast! They passed on Crabtree for this guy? Al Davis? Jackass.

4:22 - Michael Crabtree, WR, falls all the way to the Niners at #10. This guy looks like he'll be good, but can he dance like Jerry Rice? If not, this is a questionable pick.

4:34 - My dreams of seeing Knowshon Moreno in a Cards uniform are shattered as he's picked by the Broncos. The Broncos now own the rights to 2/3 of the league's running backs. John Elway? Buck teeth.

Heeheehee. No you say it first. No you. Please. Ok. I love you. Oh my God, you have to say it back now.

4:41 - Unrelated to this draft, the Cubs are falling apart before our eyes and my fantasy team is underachieving. Things are reaching Oakland Raider-esque ineptitude. Or as "Boom" says, "the Raaaaidaaaahs." F that guy. Lose some weight you portly SOB!

4:55 - The Chargers took Larry English, DE. This was a guy I liked for the Cardinals. Dammit all to hell. Hopefully the Cards get that Donald Brown guy. What the french happened to the Bears? Oh yeah, they got that Cutler kid. This draft is loooooooonnnngggg. My other draft party is a Tommy Buzanis boat party.

5:13 - The Eagles draft Jeremy Maclin, taking a Boldin destination off the board. Have fun catching short-armed balls from Donovan!

5:16 - Todd McShay has been relegated to the kids table with Herm Edwards and Trey Wingo. His anger is apparent, as are his frat boy good looks. Todd McShay + Kirk Herbstreit = date rape and chest bumps.

5:06 - The Broncos just picked Robert Ayers, DE. So far as we know, he's no relation to Bill. We hope to confirm this shortly.

I'm Mel Kiper Jr! I eat my steak well done! My father won't return my calls!

5:28 - The Vikings take Percy Harvin, WR and troublemaker. If he acts up, expect coach Brad Childress to give him a good mustache rub!

5:50 - Mel Kiper took a bathroom break, looked in the mirror and hated what he saw.

5:59 - The Patriots trade down for the second time. Bill Belichick is up to something, and it probably isn't legal.

6:06 - Fuck. The Colts got that Donald Brown bastard. At this point, the Cardinals should just shoot for Thurman Thomas. Interest: waning. Buzz: Moderate but unspectacular. Where is Campbell Brown when you need her?

6:08 - Back to the Cubs for a minute. Milton Bradley, A-Ram and Marmol were all officially diagnosed with AIDS. Again, where is Campbell Brown when you need her?

6:18 - Cards are on the clock. Is it Beanie Wells (a stud, but high bust potential), that stud Hawaiian LB from USC or this Everette Brown cat from FSU?

6:28 - It's Beanie Baby Wells from Ohio State. Talk about high risk, high reward. If he stays healthy, he's the best RB in the draft. First up: Getting a nickname less gay than "Beanie".

6:49 - Oh my God, Round 2 and I'm still here. Bea Arthur? Not here (on Earth that is). No joke, sometimes when I sign up for shit, I pick Bea Arthur as my Username. Bea, I think I speak for America when I say, thank you for being a friend.

7:13 - Good Lord. There is nothing really worth mentioning at this point. The Draft is too long and I'm getting tired and hungry. Time to bring in a relief pitcher, alas, I think I'm the only one left that actually writes for the site. Thus, with my last pick, I pick Bea Arthur, University of Hotness.

Celebrity NFL Picks with Sir Charles Barkley O.B.E.

We're storming through the NFL season like a tornado through a trailer park (thank you Dan Rather) and our celebs seem to be getting better. This was to be expected. Sometimes the NFL doesn't work out the way you think it will. Who would have thought Tennessee would be the best team in the league? President Bush came in at 9-5 last week bringing our celebrities to 69-47 on the year. Next week, to wrap up TMS' picks before we move over to Pomp Culture, we've arranged a very special guest, but for now, I'd like to hand things over to Sir Charles:

I really didn't want to do this, but the Governor offered me a bribe. I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan.

Arizona at St. Louis
Kurt Warner is in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good.

Pick: Cardinals 44 Rams 28

NY Jets at Buffalo
Brett Favre is old. I could beat him in a race though. I know I'm a fat, old has-been, but there's no way an old man of 67 can outrun me. It's impossible!

Pick: Jets 27 Bills 24

Jacksonville at Cincinnati
Marvin Lewis must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey.

Pick: Jags 35 Bengals 14

Baltimore at Cleveland
I heard Derek Anderson is calling himself the Charles Barkley of football. I was going to sue him for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.

Pick: Ravens 20 Browns 6

Houston at Minnesota
Ernie Johnson once asked me if they recognized me in Minnesota. Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back dontcha know!

Pick: Texans 22 Vikings 17

Detroit at Chicago
They say Kyle Orton works hard. If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing.

Pick: Bears 29 Lions 3

Tampa Bay at Kansas City
Today is Jimmy Hatter's birthday -- he's the gay guy we got workin' behind the scenes, y'all. We hire them all at TNT. We do not discriminate. We hired the pimp last year, Craig Sager, and now we got Jimmy Hatter. We got all the ethnic groups covered. What does this have to do with the Bucs game? I'll give you one guess.

Pick: Bucs 14 Chiefs 0

Green Bay at Tennessee
How is Tennessee this good? Its called defense, I mean I wouldn't know anything about it personally but I've heard about it through the grapevine.

Pick: Titans 24 Packers 10

Miami at Denver
Jay Cutler believes in himself. You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.

Pick: Broncos 38 Dolphins 35

Dallas at NY Giants
Brad Johnson didn't look good last week. He's got to bring something stronger than that. That's like bringing milk to a bar, it's not strong enough.

Pick: Giants 28 Cowboys 10

Philadelphia at Seattle
I miss Philadelphia. I miss the crime and murder. There hasn't been a brutal stabbing or anything here the last 24 hours. I've missed it.

Pick: Eagles 31 Seahawks 21

Atlanta at Oakland
This game is going to be uglier than my colonoscopy.

Pick: Falcons 16 Raiders 13

New England at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 21 Pats 13

Pittsburgh at Washington
Ben Roethlisberger is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon.

Pick: Steelers 9 Redskins 7

Celebrity NFL Picks with George W. Bush

We're creeping up on the halfway mark in the NFL season and the TMS celebrity NFL picks march on. Surprisingly, we're getting some well known celebrities. I must say, I didn't anticipate that. Don Francisco had a nice week coming in at 9-5. Our celebs are now 60-42 on the year. This week we call on Still President Bush to make the picks.

Howdy! When the Governor first called and asked me to do the picks, I was like, damn it, I'm the President I have more important things to do! Then I took a stiff shot of Jack and remembered no one really listens to me anymore. Everytime I poke my head out of the White House like a cuckoo clock, the stock market drops 500 points. I may as well do this instead.

Oakland at Baltimore
I don't know who is winning this game. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not my priority.

Pick: Ravens 15 Raiders 9

Arizona at Carolina
People say, how can I help the Cardinals? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you.

Pick: Panthers 34 Cardinals 28

Tampa Bay at Dallas
"America's team" a real disaster right now and I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as president. In other words, I'm not going to this game.

Pick: Bucs 27 Cowboys 17

Washington at Detroit
Are you having burritos for lunch?

Pick: Redskins 18 Lions 3

Buffalo at Miami
The Bills are going to win this one, now watch this drive...*swings golf club wildly indoors*

Pick: Bills 24 Dolphins 17

St. Louis at New England
New England is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

Pick: Patriots 31 Rams 23

San Diego at New Orleans
Picking this game, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard.

Pick: Chargers 25 Saints 20

Kansas City at NY Jets
Too many good Chiefs QBs are getting out of the business. Too many QBs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country. Tyler Thigpen is the exception. Man-whore.

Pick: Jets 56 Chiefs 10

Atlanta at Philadelphia
I'm gonna pick Philly. I don't know why. I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

Pick: Eagles 24 Falcons 21

Cincinnati at Houston
I thought the Bengals would be decent this year. There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Pick: Texans 45 Bengals 0

Cleveland at Jacksonville
I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that Cleveland will have a good draft pick.

Pick: Jags 20 Browns 7

NY Giants at Pittsburgh
Man, I tell ya, I really misunderestimated the Giants this year.

Pick: Giants 37 Steelers 14

Seattle at San Francisco
The Niners fired Mike Nolan. Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our 49ers learning? I think they may be.

Pick: Niners 10 Seahawks 6

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Titans 24 Colts 21

I have issued an executive order. This here turkey is now in charge of the Detroit Lions. Godspeed mighty bird!

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 7

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Special thanks to Daft Funk for taking over the Hangover duties for me that past few weeks. It was refreshing to have someone new in there that actually watches these games. But alas, you're now subjected to my horribly vague and pointless recaps once more.

Buffalo 23
San Diego 14
Philip Rivers turns the ball over 3 times and helps the Chargers drop back below .500. Did I pick these a-holes to win the Super Bowl? Jesus, my predictions are about as detrimental to a team's chances as the Madden Cover Curse.

Carolina 30

New Orleans 7

The Saints can't buy a break when it comes to staying healthy. They've already been without Marques Colston for a while, Jeremy Shockey came back from a sports hernia only to have possibly injured something again, and now Reggie Bush is out 3-4 weeks with knee problems. At 3-4, New Orleans finds themselves in the bottom of the NFC South, struggling to keep this ship afloat (and healthy).

Chicago 48

Minnesota 41

I don't know what to think of this game. 48 points is the most any Bears team has scored since the Ditka days, but giving up 41 to Gus Frerotte and company doesn't sit well, especially when Gus was atrocious and threw 4 picks. Kyle Orton once again looked decent enough for us to forget about the Rex Grossman era for the time being.

Pittsburgh 38

Cincinnati 10

Willie Parker Rashard Mendenhall Mewelde Moore (remember him?) shined for the Steelers as he ran for 120 yards and 2 touchdowns. Is there a bigger trainwreck of a team right now than the Bengals? Now they have Cedric Benson running for them. Insert Bengals/criminal record joke here.

Tennessee 34

Kansas City 10

The Titans are 6-0 now. How did this happen? The Chiefs apparently didn't think tackling the opposing running backs was necessary. Chris Johnson had 168 yards rushing to go along with LenDale White's 149. With a bruising run game, and solid defense, Kerry Collins just has to worry about not making any huge mistakes. That and staying sober.

Baltimore 27

Miami 13

Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis tormented the Miami offense all day as the Ravens harpooned the Dolphins. Willis McGahee had his first 100 yard rushing game of the season. I'd go on but you've already jumped to the next game out of sheer disinterest.

N.Y. Giants 29

San Francisco 17

Turnovers and sacks were the name of the game as the Giants D dominated the Niners for four quarters. Eli Manning once again did a good job of doing nothing spectacular, further cementing his place as the most overrated quarterback in football.

St. Louis 34

Dallas 14

Methusaleh Johnson filled in for Tony Romo and Tony Romo's broken pinky and the Rams D had a field day against him, sacking him 3 times and picking him off 3 times as well. Steven Jackson had his best game of the season, rushing for 165 yards with 3 touchdowns. With their second straight win the Rams move to 2-4 and take sole possession of second place in the NFC West. Look out Arizona, St. Louis is slowly limping after you!

Houston 28

Detroit 21

This game really wasn't as close as it seemed. Detroit managed to put up 11 fourth quarter points to pull within a touchdown before losing. The Texans offense controlled the tempo, holding on to the ball for over 40 minutes of the game. My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Green Bay 34

Indianapolis 14

Looking at the receiving stats in the box score, one would be hard-pressed to notice Brett Favre's absence from the Packers. Aaron Rodgers, like his predecessor, seems to have a knack for spreading the ball around as he completed passes with 8 different players this week. Also Peyton Manning is a douche.

Oakland 16

N.Y. Jets 13

This overtime thriller ended with a 57 yard field goal from Jeff Jaeger. Blair Thomas had 159 yards rushing for the Jets but Brad Baxter scored their only touchdown. The Raiders scored their lone touchdown on a Jay Schroeder pass to Mervyn Fernandez. I was really surprised that Bo Jackson was held under 100 yards.

What? Oh, um who really cares what happened in this game?

Washington 14

Cleveland 11

Clinton Portis has been a beast this season. He racked up 175 yards against Cleveland, giving him 4 straight 100 yard games. He's currently on pace to rush for over 1800 yards. Derek Anderson had yet another miserable game. The Brady Quinn Era draws nigh.

Tampa Bay 20

Seattle 10

I don't know exactly when my hatred of the Seahawks began. Perhaps it's when they continued to cry about being wronged by the refs in the Super Bowl. Maybe it's that I've never liked Mike Holmgren. Either way, watching them struggle mightily has been a real treat for me this season. Between them, the Rams and Niners, it's as if they're just handing the division title to the Cardinals. Arizona really has to F things up to lose it at this point.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Kyle Orton, CHI (283 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Steven Jackson, STL (160 yards rushing, 3 TD)
WR - Calvin Johnson, DET (2 catches, 154 rec yards, 96 yard TD)
WR - Andre Johnson, HOU (11 catches, 141 rec yards)
TE - Owen Daniels, HOU (6 catches, 66 rec yards, 2 TD)
DEF - N.Y. Giants (6 sacks, 1 safety, 2 interceptions, 1 fumble recovery)


The Flaming Bag Team
Cuz poop is funny!

QB - Brett Favre, GB (197 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT)
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA (27 yards rushing)
WR - Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (1 catch, 0 rec yards)
WR - Marvin Harrison, IND (2 catches, 11 rec yards)
TE - Vernon Davis, SF (1 catch, 5 rec yards)
DEF - Cincinnati (38 points allowed, no sacks, interceptions, forced fumbles, fumble recoveries, nothing)

Monday Night Prediction:

I know the Patriots have struggled and Denver typically owns them, but I just have this feeling that New England pulls this one out at home tonight. New England (-3) over Denver.