Showing posts with label Brant Brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brant Brown. Show all posts
Pop Culture Gauntlet: William "Refrigerator" Perry vs. Cocktail Weiners
January 07, 2010 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: William "Refrigerator" Perry vs. Cocktail Weiners
Today's match: William "Refrigerator" Perry vs. Cocktail Weiners
William "Refrigerator" Perry
As most of you know, The Fridge was a defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears from 1985-1993, followed by a season with the Philadelphia Eagles. He was one of the most dominant and terrifying, yet charismatic players ever to grace the National Football League. His menacing physique (6' 2", 382 lbs) struck fear in the hearts of opposing offenses. Though he primarily played defense, Perry was occasionally used as a blocker for running back Walter Payton. He even scored two running touchdowns in his career, including one in Super Bowl XX.
Even before his playing career ended, The Fridge was a sought-after pop culture celebrity. Perry had a memorable guest spot in an episode of The A-Team, participated in Wrestlemania 2, and lent his considerable rapping skills to groups such as The Fat Boys, not to mention the infamous Superbowl Shuffle. In 2002, you may remember that he participated in a celebrity boxing match against former TMS Man of the Year, Manute Bol. Unfortunately, The Fridge lost that battle in the third round. More recently, Perry has suffered from complications due to Guillain-Barre syndrome, an inflammation disorder which he was diagnosed with in 2008. Our sincerest hopes that The Fridge, one of our most beloved cultural icons, is doing well.
Strengths: intimidating size; beloved by an entire city, and most of the country; recorded a pro-peace, anti-drug rap song with Walter Payton called "Together" in 1999.
Weaknesses: appeared in an episode of According to Jim; only lasted five minutes in the 2003 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest; participated in the 2006 Lingerie Bowl.
Fun Fact: Perry had his own G.I. Joe action figure in the 1980's.
Cocktail Wieners
If there was ever a food item that cried "mystery meat", it is the cocktail wiener. In some regions, these miniature variations on a hot dog are known as Lil' Smokies; in Missouri, they are known as Christmas Dinner. Cocktail wieners are thought to have been created long ago by a farm wife in Iowa. Though your divorced and unemployed uncle eats these wieners as a meal unto their own, please note that you should only consume cocktail wieners if they are being served at a poker party or high school open house. You should never eat more than three in any one sitting. Despite their dainty size and shape, cocktail wieners should not be placed directly into the anus.
Traditionally, cocktail wieners are prepared in a crock pot. The general rule is one package of wieners per one bottle of barbecue sauce. Variations exist, however, such as using one can of cranberry sauce and 12 oz. of chili sauce in place of barbecue. At most grocery stores, one can find both beef and turkey wieners. You might be tempted to think that the turkey wieners are a healthy alternative. Think about that for a moment, then opt for the veggie tray. Regardless of the negative health and social ramifications, cocktail wieners are an explosion of taste in your mouth. Just ask your ghey cousin.
Strengths: bite size portions; often tangy taste; incredibly simple to prepare.
Weaknesses: the health factor; high probability of staining clothing if not handled properly; name is misleading, as they should never actually be served at a cocktail party.
Fun Fact: The number of wiener jokes you make at a party directly correlates with the likelihood that your wife will make you sleep on the couch.
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
December 21, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Solzhenitsyn, who passed away in August of 2008, was a Russian and Soviet historian, and Nobel laureate in Literature. His prominent works, A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and The Gulag Archipelago, earned him both global critical acclaim and exile from his home country. Toward the end of WWII, while serving as a commander in the Red Army, he was tried and imprisoned for inflammatory writings questioning Joseph Stalin's conduct of the war. After serving his term in a labor camp, he was permitted back into Soviet society. At this time, he conducted much of his research and writings in secrecy due to the ever-watchful eye of the KGB. In 1962, Nikita Khrushchev, First Secretary of the Communist Party at the time, permitted the publishing of A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. This sudden rise to cultural prominence only intensified the scrutiny that Solzhenitsyn suffered at the hands of the KGB. In 1974, Solzhenitsyn was stripped of his Soviet citizenship and permanently exiled from the country. After floating around Western Europe, he ventured to the United States, settling in Vermont. Here he continued his writings against Communism, favoring a return to Russian imperialism and orthodoxy. It should also be noted that while Solzhenitsyn appreciated the political liberties which democracy allowed, he remained disconcerted by the evils of popular culture and the weakening of American strenght. In other words, Solzhenitsyn would not approve of the Saloon. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Solzhenitsyn returned to the motherland, where he preached moderate nationalism and the emboldening of Russia, and decried its turn toward materialism and the crumbling of its religious foundations.
Strengths: showed great intestinal fortitude by sticking it to the KGB; survived a near-fatal bout with cancer; exposed the Gulags and the faults of Communism
Weaknesses: willingly chose to live in Vermont of all places; once described the United States as a "province of Israel"; wanted the United States to prolong the war in Vietnam
Fun Fact: His son Ignat is an acclaimed concert pianist and conductor, working primarily with the Chamer Orchestra of Philadelphia.
*information largely cribbed from Wikipedia
Boxer Briefs
For centuries, cultured men were suffered the indignity of having only two alternatives to "going commando": boxers or briefs. When a young man first graduates from diapers, he is too young to yet understand the difference between the two, and is generally at the will of his mother regarding the undergarments he will use throughout his youth. In 98% of all cases, the mother will default to white briefs, or as we refer to them, "tighty whities". In the other 2% of cases, the mother is likely deceased or too hopped up on goofers to pay any mind to the child. It is usually not until high school when a young man realizes that he has the choice to transition to boxers. But lo and behold, the 1990's gave advent to a new choice in the male intimates section at your local Target: the boxer briefs. Melding the best of both worlds, the boxer brief has both the length of boxers (which are more comfortable and desirable when undressing in front of a female) and the compact feel of the "tighty whities" (which helps to absorb those last two drops of urine so that they do not run down the leg). They afford a more confident demeanor when standing semi-nude in front of a mirror and flexing. Boxer briefs scream "I am not convinced that the testicles need to be so aerated as to necessitate boxers, yet I also do not enjoy playing World of Warcraft!" The boxer brief is simultaneously a neutral Switzerland, and the dawn of the United States of America. There have been precious few articles of clothing in the history of man that have liberated so many.
Strengths: more appealing to the ladies; "last two drops" corollary; dark colors assist in hiding unmentionable stains
Weaknesses: often more expensive than standard boxers or briefs; slight risk of decreased sperm count
Fun Fact: They suppress boners slightly better than boxers, which always helps when you're riding the city bus.
Today's match: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Solzhenitsyn, who passed away in August of 2008, was a Russian and Soviet historian, and Nobel laureate in Literature. His prominent works, A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and The Gulag Archipelago, earned him both global critical acclaim and exile from his home country. Toward the end of WWII, while serving as a commander in the Red Army, he was tried and imprisoned for inflammatory writings questioning Joseph Stalin's conduct of the war. After serving his term in a labor camp, he was permitted back into Soviet society. At this time, he conducted much of his research and writings in secrecy due to the ever-watchful eye of the KGB. In 1962, Nikita Khrushchev, First Secretary of the Communist Party at the time, permitted the publishing of A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. This sudden rise to cultural prominence only intensified the scrutiny that Solzhenitsyn suffered at the hands of the KGB. In 1974, Solzhenitsyn was stripped of his Soviet citizenship and permanently exiled from the country. After floating around Western Europe, he ventured to the United States, settling in Vermont. Here he continued his writings against Communism, favoring a return to Russian imperialism and orthodoxy. It should also be noted that while Solzhenitsyn appreciated the political liberties which democracy allowed, he remained disconcerted by the evils of popular culture and the weakening of American strenght. In other words, Solzhenitsyn would not approve of the Saloon. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Solzhenitsyn returned to the motherland, where he preached moderate nationalism and the emboldening of Russia, and decried its turn toward materialism and the crumbling of its religious foundations.
Strengths: showed great intestinal fortitude by sticking it to the KGB; survived a near-fatal bout with cancer; exposed the Gulags and the faults of Communism
Weaknesses: willingly chose to live in Vermont of all places; once described the United States as a "province of Israel"; wanted the United States to prolong the war in Vietnam
Fun Fact: His son Ignat is an acclaimed concert pianist and conductor, working primarily with the Chamer Orchestra of Philadelphia.
*information largely cribbed from Wikipedia
Boxer Briefs
For centuries, cultured men were suffered the indignity of having only two alternatives to "going commando": boxers or briefs. When a young man first graduates from diapers, he is too young to yet understand the difference between the two, and is generally at the will of his mother regarding the undergarments he will use throughout his youth. In 98% of all cases, the mother will default to white briefs, or as we refer to them, "tighty whities". In the other 2% of cases, the mother is likely deceased or too hopped up on goofers to pay any mind to the child. It is usually not until high school when a young man realizes that he has the choice to transition to boxers. But lo and behold, the 1990's gave advent to a new choice in the male intimates section at your local Target: the boxer briefs. Melding the best of both worlds, the boxer brief has both the length of boxers (which are more comfortable and desirable when undressing in front of a female) and the compact feel of the "tighty whities" (which helps to absorb those last two drops of urine so that they do not run down the leg). They afford a more confident demeanor when standing semi-nude in front of a mirror and flexing. Boxer briefs scream "I am not convinced that the testicles need to be so aerated as to necessitate boxers, yet I also do not enjoy playing World of Warcraft!" The boxer brief is simultaneously a neutral Switzerland, and the dawn of the United States of America. There have been precious few articles of clothing in the history of man that have liberated so many.
Strengths: more appealing to the ladies; "last two drops" corollary; dark colors assist in hiding unmentionable stains
Weaknesses: often more expensive than standard boxers or briefs; slight risk of decreased sperm count
Fun Fact: They suppress boners slightly better than boxers, which always helps when you're riding the city bus.
Pop Culture Gauntlet Results
December 17, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
In an effort to minimize the hassle involved with posting the Gauntlet results, we have decided to lump them together after every three or four contests. Without further ado:Kanye West (5 votes) vs. The Enron Scandal (16 votes)
Vegas was stunned with these results. The prognosticators were calling for a beating at the hands of Mr. West. But NO! Mighty Enron turned the tables on Kanye by the widest margin to date. The flash in the pan hip-hopper assured himself of the last laugh though, when he stormed the stage and ...oh...nevermind. Kanye was no match for the staying power of corporate scandal.
HBO (9 votes) vs. Piet Mondrian (4 votes)
Well duh, of course HBO won. I mean, quality television, boobs, and swearing, versus a guy named Piet? Say my name is Brant, and I'm at a cocktail party. You ask me what I do for a living, and I tell you that I paint in straight lines and only use three colors. You would tell me "that's interesting" and look for someone more important to talk to. But if your name is Piet, then painting like a third grader not only gains you international notoriety, but you're able to perpetuate a freaking artistic movement. Whatever, Taxicab Confessions is way cooler than the cover of the last Silverchair album.
Dunkin' Donuts (8 votes) vs. The Assassination of Franz Ferdinand (11 votes)
Obviously the Saloon does not have a huge Boston following. Seriously though, the coffee is good, I'll give them that. But we're talking about The Great War! Conspiracy! Assassination! Sexual frivolity (unconfirmed)! Secret societies! Tuberculosis! It's the stuff of a Steven Soderbergh film! Except very, very real.
Remember people, keep voting!
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
December 14, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is one of the largest coffee chains in North America. Founded in 1950, and based in Canton, Massachusetts, the company has expanded it's presence to over 30 countries. Originally serving coffee and simple pastries, Dunkin' Donuts has diversified it's product base to include specialty coffees and breakfast sandwiches. This evolution was prompted by competition from Starbucks and McDonald's, amongst others, in the burgeoning "morning fix" market. Their national operations are largely based East of the Mississippi River. There are currently no Dunkin' Donuts stores in the state of California, and oddly enough, plans to expand to the latte-slurping West Coast do not appear imminent. This may be in deference to the strong foothold Starbucks holds on that region, though the Dunkin' Donuts marketing team has never shied away from their prime challenger. In a series of ad campaigns over the last several years, Dunkin' Donuts has been known to poke Starbucks in the eye, often slighting the pretentious Italian terms that the Seattle-based company insists on populating their menu with. Most of you will also remember the Fred the Baker commercial campaign in the 1980's and '90's. His catchphrase "Time to make the donuts" made him a pop culture landmark. Sadly, the actor that played Fred passed away four years ago due to complications from diabetes (or Sugar AIDS as it's known in the Chip Wesley home).
Strengths: John Goodman provides the voiceover in their ad campaigns; heavy concentration of stores in Chicago which aid in ThunderFist hangovers; coffee actually tastes good
Weaknesses: Strong affiliation with Patriots and Red Sox; queer logo; need to move out West
Fun Fact: On one television spot, Rachel Ray promoted Dunkin' Donuts while wearing a peculiar scarf. Conservative pundits called for the company to pull the ad, claiming the scarf was similar to that worn by Yasser Arafat, and was thus supportive of terrorism.
The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely held as the precipitating factor that spurned the beginning of World War I (or The Great War as grandpa called it). Younger generations, however, know him only as "the guy that that shitty Scottish band named themselves after." The groups and actors which played a part in the archduke's assassination are shrouded in the the same lore one might expect from a Dan Brown novel. In fact, the events of that day were a comedy of errors, befitting of an Ocean's 14 screenplay. In a nutshell: Franz Ferdinand was an archduke of the Austria-Hungary. Basically, Serbs were trying to get the southern Slavic provinces to to break away from the Austro-Hungarian Empire in order to re-form Serbia or Yugoslavia. A secret society known as Black Hand had decided that a logical course of action would be to kill a high ranking member of the Empire and escalate tensions. Six young men were recruited to take out Ferdinand. As the archduke passed through Sarajevo in a motorcade, the six men were stationed along the route. Most had a grenade and/or pistol. As the motorcade passed, the first two assassins failed to act. The third threw a grenade, which blew one car but did not kill anyone. Following instructions, the assassin swallowed a cyanide pill and jumped into the Miljacka River. Unfortunately for him, the cyanide pill only induced vomiting, and the river was only four inches deep. Talk about an epic FAIL. The remaining assassins walked away in the ensuing hoopla. Shortly afterward, the motorcade continued on. One of the assassins, Gavrilo Princip, was eating a sandwich at a deli when the cars rolled by. As anyone involved in a secret society knows, you keep going until the job is done. Princip seized the new opportunity, and shot the archduke in the neck. The rest, as they say, is history.
Strengths: indirectly led to the creation of the armored vehicle industry; subsequent research into more effective cyanide pills, which Hitler would eventually take; finally got rid of that insipid Austria-Hungary
Weaknesses: gave Serbs a bad name; inadvertently led to thousands of high school students having to read All Quiet on the Western Front; um, started World War I
Fun Fact: Princip died of tuberculosis in prison before he could serve his full sentence, which was only 20 years anyway.
Today's match: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is one of the largest coffee chains in North America. Founded in 1950, and based in Canton, Massachusetts, the company has expanded it's presence to over 30 countries. Originally serving coffee and simple pastries, Dunkin' Donuts has diversified it's product base to include specialty coffees and breakfast sandwiches. This evolution was prompted by competition from Starbucks and McDonald's, amongst others, in the burgeoning "morning fix" market. Their national operations are largely based East of the Mississippi River. There are currently no Dunkin' Donuts stores in the state of California, and oddly enough, plans to expand to the latte-slurping West Coast do not appear imminent. This may be in deference to the strong foothold Starbucks holds on that region, though the Dunkin' Donuts marketing team has never shied away from their prime challenger. In a series of ad campaigns over the last several years, Dunkin' Donuts has been known to poke Starbucks in the eye, often slighting the pretentious Italian terms that the Seattle-based company insists on populating their menu with. Most of you will also remember the Fred the Baker commercial campaign in the 1980's and '90's. His catchphrase "Time to make the donuts" made him a pop culture landmark. Sadly, the actor that played Fred passed away four years ago due to complications from diabetes (or Sugar AIDS as it's known in the Chip Wesley home).
Strengths: John Goodman provides the voiceover in their ad campaigns; heavy concentration of stores in Chicago which aid in ThunderFist hangovers; coffee actually tastes good
Weaknesses: Strong affiliation with Patriots and Red Sox; queer logo; need to move out West
Fun Fact: On one television spot, Rachel Ray promoted Dunkin' Donuts while wearing a peculiar scarf. Conservative pundits called for the company to pull the ad, claiming the scarf was similar to that worn by Yasser Arafat, and was thus supportive of terrorism.
The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely held as the precipitating factor that spurned the beginning of World War I (or The Great War as grandpa called it). Younger generations, however, know him only as "the guy that that shitty Scottish band named themselves after." The groups and actors which played a part in the archduke's assassination are shrouded in the the same lore one might expect from a Dan Brown novel. In fact, the events of that day were a comedy of errors, befitting of an Ocean's 14 screenplay. In a nutshell: Franz Ferdinand was an archduke of the Austria-Hungary. Basically, Serbs were trying to get the southern Slavic provinces to to break away from the Austro-Hungarian Empire in order to re-form Serbia or Yugoslavia. A secret society known as Black Hand had decided that a logical course of action would be to kill a high ranking member of the Empire and escalate tensions. Six young men were recruited to take out Ferdinand. As the archduke passed through Sarajevo in a motorcade, the six men were stationed along the route. Most had a grenade and/or pistol. As the motorcade passed, the first two assassins failed to act. The third threw a grenade, which blew one car but did not kill anyone. Following instructions, the assassin swallowed a cyanide pill and jumped into the Miljacka River. Unfortunately for him, the cyanide pill only induced vomiting, and the river was only four inches deep. Talk about an epic FAIL. The remaining assassins walked away in the ensuing hoopla. Shortly afterward, the motorcade continued on. One of the assassins, Gavrilo Princip, was eating a sandwich at a deli when the cars rolled by. As anyone involved in a secret society knows, you keep going until the job is done. Princip seized the new opportunity, and shot the archduke in the neck. The rest, as they say, is history.
Strengths: indirectly led to the creation of the armored vehicle industry; subsequent research into more effective cyanide pills, which Hitler would eventually take; finally got rid of that insipid Austria-Hungary
Weaknesses: gave Serbs a bad name; inadvertently led to thousands of high school students having to read All Quiet on the Western Front; um, started World War I
Fun Fact: Princip died of tuberculosis in prison before he could serve his full sentence, which was only 20 years anyway.
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
December 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
KANYE WEST
Kanye West, as all of you know, is a prominent rapper, producer, musician, fashionista, and all-around insufferable douche. West rose to prominence as producer for Roc-A-Fella Records. He achieved notoriety for his work on Jay-Z's album The Blueprint, which was released moments after the Twin Towers were hit by the Iraqis on September 11, 2001. He has since released four solo albums of his own: The College Dropout (2004), Late Registration (2005), Graduation (2007), and 808s & Heartbreak (2008). His album Graduation was originally set to be released on September 18, 2007. However, (supposedly) noting the impending anniversary of our nation's darkest day, West had the release date moved to September 11. He would once again upstage the anniversary of our country's greatest domestic tragedy by being arrested on September 11, 2008 at Los Angeles International Airport following an altercation with a photographer. Though a genuine philanthropist at heart, West has gained most of his media attention due to his uproarious public meltdowns. From the infamous declaration at A Concert for Hurricane Relief that "George Bush doesn't care about black people", to his numerous award show acceptance speech interruptions, Kanye West is the entertainment industry's poster child of a "negative attention-getter".
Strengths: understands how to make himself the center of attention; musically inclined; charity work
Weaknesses: acts like a petulant child in public; believes he is God's gift; tendency to speak without thinking first
Fun Fact: Kanye's mother, Donda West, died in 2007 from complications following plastic surgery.
ENRON SCANDAL
Enron was a Houston-based energy company founded by Kenneth Lay in 1985. The rise and fall of Enron is perhaps the most notable example of free market FAIL in U.S. history. Chief executives of Enron (including former CFO Andrew Fastow, former President, CEO and COO Jeffrey Skilling, and former Chairman and CEO Lay) used creative accounting practices to hide billions of dollars in debt, effectively pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of Wall Street throughout the 1990s. Their particular brand of corporate malfeasance allowed Enron to portray itself as a genuine American success story, with a diversified portfolio that pushed it's stock price to $90 per share in mid-2000. Unfortunately for their employees and shareholders, the wheels jumped off the track in August of 2001. Skilling stepped down as CEO (after selling off 450,000 shares for a $33 million profit) as pressure mounted for Enron to open it's books. When the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked on September 11, 2001, Enron executives pointed and said "look over there!" as they grabbed their briefcases and ran in the opposite direction to the tune of "Yakety Sax". Ultimately, shareholders lost $74 billion leading up to Enron's collapse. Over 20,000 former employees, some of which lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in shares, won a paltry $3,100 for their troubles in a subsequent lawsuit.
Strengths: ability to work the system; generous executive compensation; woke America up to corporate greed
Weaknesses: chief executives are all currently in jail or dead; families destroyed; lost naming rights to the Astros ballpark
Fun Fact: Enron's original name was Enteron, which roughly translated to "intestines" in Greek. The name was thus changed.
Today's match: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
KANYE WEST
Kanye West, as all of you know, is a prominent rapper, producer, musician, fashionista, and all-around insufferable douche. West rose to prominence as producer for Roc-A-Fella Records. He achieved notoriety for his work on Jay-Z's album The Blueprint, which was released moments after the Twin Towers were hit by the Iraqis on September 11, 2001. He has since released four solo albums of his own: The College Dropout (2004), Late Registration (2005), Graduation (2007), and 808s & Heartbreak (2008). His album Graduation was originally set to be released on September 18, 2007. However, (supposedly) noting the impending anniversary of our nation's darkest day, West had the release date moved to September 11. He would once again upstage the anniversary of our country's greatest domestic tragedy by being arrested on September 11, 2008 at Los Angeles International Airport following an altercation with a photographer. Though a genuine philanthropist at heart, West has gained most of his media attention due to his uproarious public meltdowns. From the infamous declaration at A Concert for Hurricane Relief that "George Bush doesn't care about black people", to his numerous award show acceptance speech interruptions, Kanye West is the entertainment industry's poster child of a "negative attention-getter".Strengths: understands how to make himself the center of attention; musically inclined; charity work
Weaknesses: acts like a petulant child in public; believes he is God's gift; tendency to speak without thinking first
Fun Fact: Kanye's mother, Donda West, died in 2007 from complications following plastic surgery.
ENRON SCANDAL
Enron was a Houston-based energy company founded by Kenneth Lay in 1985. The rise and fall of Enron is perhaps the most notable example of free market FAIL in U.S. history. Chief executives of Enron (including former CFO Andrew Fastow, former President, CEO and COO Jeffrey Skilling, and former Chairman and CEO Lay) used creative accounting practices to hide billions of dollars in debt, effectively pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of Wall Street throughout the 1990s. Their particular brand of corporate malfeasance allowed Enron to portray itself as a genuine American success story, with a diversified portfolio that pushed it's stock price to $90 per share in mid-2000. Unfortunately for their employees and shareholders, the wheels jumped off the track in August of 2001. Skilling stepped down as CEO (after selling off 450,000 shares for a $33 million profit) as pressure mounted for Enron to open it's books. When the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked on September 11, 2001, Enron executives pointed and said "look over there!" as they grabbed their briefcases and ran in the opposite direction to the tune of "Yakety Sax". Ultimately, shareholders lost $74 billion leading up to Enron's collapse. Over 20,000 former employees, some of which lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in shares, won a paltry $3,100 for their troubles in a subsequent lawsuit.Strengths: ability to work the system; generous executive compensation; woke America up to corporate greed
Weaknesses: chief executives are all currently in jail or dead; families destroyed; lost naming rights to the Astros ballpark
Fun Fact: Enron's original name was Enteron, which roughly translated to "intestines" in Greek. The name was thus changed.
Brant's Rant
November 16, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
NFL 'hang time' clocks:What in the hell is the point of showing the 'hang time' of a punt in digital format on an NFL broadcast. The point of a punt is to pin the receiving team as deep into their own territory as possible. Why in God's name would I care if it takes that punt 4.9 or 4.3 seconds to land? How much money went into creating that graphic on each broadcast. Better yet, how many wasted dollars are going to some chump in a truck starting and stopping that fucking clock? Yes, these are hard economic times, but that ass hat would serve us a lot better if he were washing our cars or serving our drinks.
The term 'bogo':
If you're not hip to it yet, the term 'bogo' stands for 'buy one get one'. It is often associated with shitty restaurants and second-rate merchandisers. If you're like me, you often hear 'bogo' at your place of work, possibly in the form of a mass e-mail sent throughout the office by an overweight post-menopausal woman, with a coupon attached. You know what bitch? I don't give a shit if Souplantation has a buy one meal, get one half off promotion. Take your fat ass and barren womb over to that shithole buffet with one of the other hags and eat clam chowder until you have a fucking coronary. Please. Just don't bother me with your cost-savings nonsense, I don't give two shits about your frivolity. I feel so sorry for your husband, who likely lost his will to live 20 years ago. I shit on your 'bogo'.
Kids playing stickball in the street and their ignorant parents:
I'm all about our nation's youth getting exercise, being outdoors, using their imaginations and such. But for Christ's sake, don't play stickball on the street that's full of parked cars! How stupid can you be? My car was parked in my own goddamn driveway and you hit it twice you pieces of shit! If you're going to knock a projectile, go down four blocks to the fucking park! How is that not clear? Do you not have parents? Are they unaware that it's their designated weekend to be responsible for you? If they were worth their salt, they wouldn't allow you to play ball in the street and destroy other people's property. Or perhaps they're too busy smoking drugs or cheating on their spouses, and are just glad that you're not in the house to witness their various indiscretions. Either way, here's to hoping that you mature quickly enough to not knock up some girl before you graduate high school.
Overrated: international friendlies; Tim McGraw; USC football; Bill Belichick's ego
Underrated: the Bengals being good; the word 'cocksure'; Colts vs. Patriots
Holy Christ, Please Trade for Granderson
November 12, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Word in the rumor mill (thanks MLB TradeRumors, Paul Sullivan, Jon Heyman, etc.!) is that the Tigers may be willing to listen to offers for Curtis Granderson. Unless God hates us all, the Cubs are sure to at least kick the tires. How often can you kill two birds with one stone (leadoff hitter and lefty pop) in these times of economic hardship?Oh, we would bring up the economics of it all, wouldn't we! Granderson's contract has him due for $25.75 million over the next three years. That's nothing for the Ricketts, who have said that they intend to keep the Cubs among the top three spenders in baseball. You have to spend money to make money, right? I think Jesus said that. Check the Bible. He's in the New Testament part.
Surely Hendry would be required to move Uncle Milton first, eating the better part of his $21 million. They'll certainly have to absorb another bad contract in that move, which the Tigers wouldn't want. That probably leaves the Cubs in a position where they would be forced to cough up a slew of youngsters. Hopefully that would start with Jake Fox (future DH extraordinaire) and the mythical Starlin Castro. I'd like to see them move Samardzija (completely overrated), but again, we would have to eat some cash. The bottom line is that it could be done, and it would be much more satisfying than going into next season having only brought in Luis Castillo and Marlon Byrd.
Would Granderson cure all our ails? Probably not, but he's the one piece that would fit best. Sure he strikes out a lot, but at least those strikes are swinging, as opposed to Bradley who never lifted the bat off his shoulder. He doesn't really hit lefties worth a lick, but you can spell him on occasion if you retain Reed Johnson. And maybe Granderson doesn't steal as much as you would like, but he's certainly more of a threat to steal a base than anyone else on the roster (we're looking at you Crazy Legs Soriano). Plus, by Dusty Baker logic, Curtis should be able to handle all the hot afternoon games better than someone like Pat Burrell.
Granderson is an Illinois boy and a seemingly all-around good guy. You know, the kind that you might want in a clubhouse. Yep, it might hurt the back pocket, and it will further thin out an incredibly thin farm system. But the Ricketts need to make their mark. Let's do this thing! We can worry about the consequences after the 2010 playoffs.
Update: If the Cubs were to actually acquire Granderson, we have dibs on being the official Curtis Granderson Cubs blog. Perhaps that would entail a name change. Thunder Granderson's Saloon? Lightning Curtis's Saloon? Something like that.
Let's Make a (Bradley) Deal!
November 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
As has been documented on numerous occasions at TMS, other Cubs blogs, sports talk radio, and basically any every modern media platform, we are tired of Milton Bradley, and wish the saga would end. With any luck, Jim Hendry can work some magic (and take on an equally bad contract) this week at the GM meetings. To have to go into January, or God forbid Spring Training knowing that Bradley is still on the club would just be a tad bit ridiculous.Now, we also tend to overstate things as sports fans. Many of us use the term "we" when referring to our team's performance on the field. Milton Bradley does not know us personally. He will never go to your home or have a beer with you. He doesn't necessarily care about you, and off the field, you likely do not care about him. He is a player on the team you have chosen to follow; nothing more, nothing less. Milton is a real human, he has feelings, he cares passionately about his performance. If he didn't, he would just be Adam Dunn. Milton wanted this to work out, and we wanted Milton to work out. Unfortunately, neither happened, and we all know it is time to move on.
So, who would you rather have for the next two years in place Bradley? Who would you rather open your heart to? Who would you rather bunk with? Who would you rather invite on a fishing trip or to a strip club? Aaron Rowand? Really? Luis Castillo? Vernon Wells? Barry Zito? Pat Burrell? Are any of those options that much more attractive? Ugh. Better yet, what would you rather have than Bradley? Assuming the money washed out in the end, would you trade him for proper urinals instead of troughs? What if it meant Dave Otto replaced Bob Brenley? Would you do it then? What if you could get rid of Bradley, but you had to start going to Church every Sunday? What if you could be free of Bradley, but it meant that you would have to go through a bout of chlamydia? What will this freedom be worth? Feel free to post what you'd be willing to sacrifice or take on in lieu of Milton Bradley.
War Hero: Tony Bennett
November 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
We often throw the term 'War Hero' around loosely at the Saloon. Today we assign that designation to one of the great crooners of our time, who just so happens to have truly earned it.Anthony Dominick Benedetto was born in New York City in 1926. Tony's talents in painting and singing were apparent at an early age, earning him enrollment at New York's High School of Industrial Art. At the age of 18, he was drafted into the United States Army, where he served as an infantry rifleman. Bennett was stationed in France and Germany during the waning days of World War II. He would later describe the horrors of war in his autobiography, including the struggles brought on by the harsh winter landscape, and the experience of house-to-house combat while driving back German soldiers. When the war ended, he remained in Germany for a period of time, assisting in the liberation of a Nazi concentration camp.
When Bennett returned to the States, he picked up on his vocal training. He opened for Pearl Bailey in Greenwich Village in 1949, where he was spotted by Bob Hope. This was the break Tony needed, as he was soon after signed to Columbia Records. A string of chart-topping hits would follow throughout the 1950's, including two standout albums in which Bennett collaborated with the Count Basie Orchestra. "I Left My Heart in San Francisco", widely recognized as Bennett's most popular song, drew acclaim after it's 1962 release.
In the mid-1960's the musical landscape began to change, and Bennett found it increasingly difficult to wade these new waters. He went to great lengths in an attempt to change his professional fortunes over the next 15 years. A failed record label, a relocation to London, and a near-fatal overdose brought Tony face-to-face with the 1980's and some hard choices. He brought his two sons into the fold in a last-ditch effort to rehabilitate his career. Gone were the residences in Las Vegas; in was a new deal with Columbia, and the embracing of popular culture.
The youth of America, weened on rock 'n' roll, had until this point been relatively oblivious to the standards genre. An appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards, along with an MTV Unplugged recording, endeared Bennett to this new audience. The record that resulted from his Unplugged session went on to earn him an Album of the Year Grammy, and went a long way in rejuvenating his career.
Aside from being known as one of the great male vocalists of the past century, Bennett has delved into other passions. He was an active member of the Civil Rights Movement, participating in the 1965 Selma to Montgomery marches. In the same vein, he would refuse offers to perform in apartheid South Africa.
Perhaps what he would prefer to best be known for, however, is his painting. His works are featured in numerous galleries throughout the world. He was the official artist for the 2001 Kentucky Derby, and was commissioned by the UN for two paintings. The UN would go on to honor him with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees' Humanitarian Award in 2006.
In total, Bennett has won 15 Grammy Awards and two Emmys. These, however, are mere symbols of the greater work that he will one day leave us with. Tony Bennett, the vocalist, entertainer, human rights activist, soldier, and multi-talented artist, is a true American treasure. Most of all, he is a legitimate War Hero, of the caliber that only Thunder Matt's Saloon can properly recognize.
*Biographical facts were largely culled from Wikipedia. We can trust that thing now, right?
Steven Tyler Quits Aerosmith?
November 09, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Word on the Internets is that Steven Tyler has, for all intents and purposes, left the band Aerosmith. Lead guitarist Joe Perry has alluded to this in recent interviews, though he admits that it is not out of the ordinary for Tyler to go incommunicado for lengths of time.If it is indeed true that Tyler has given up his post as the frontman for one of America's most iconic rock 'n' roll bands, Perry says they will seek a new lead singer and new direction. However, it would be a daunting task to replace the flamboyance and showmanship of Tyler. It likely could not be done, thus making it difficult to promote an Aerosmith tour at $75 per ticket. If he is replaced, the more likely scenario is a downshift in ambition, and a prominent place on the state fair circuit next summer.
In my more impressionable days, I held Aerosmith in incredibly high regard. They were my first exposure to good old-fashioned dirty rock music. Unfortunately, they've been largely irrelevant over the last decade. Such is life, especially when you've been going at it for nearly 40 years. Aerosmith has certainly overcome adversity in the past, but if Tyler is truly gone, the rest of the boys will be facing a steep uphill battle.
The Iowa Hawkeyes Finally Lose
November 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Doesn't the James Vandenberg Era look exciting?!?!
Destined to Fail: Coach McGwire
October 25, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Word on the street (aka. the sexy, swinging offices of ESPN) is that Tony LaRussa will indeed return as the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals in 2010. The catch? Hal McRae, Cardinals hitting coach, has been fired. Replacing him? None other than Mr. Andro himself, Mark McGwire. I mean, when a team wants to hire a hitting coach, they naturally want someone who 1) was a one-dimensional hitter with a .263 career batting average; 2) who had only 30 more career hits than strikeouts, and; 3) who has lived the greater part of the last decade in relative seclusion, away from the game and the rigors of the road. In an incredible stroke of luck, McGwire just so happens to fit all three criteria.McGwire quotes that will be heard on the first day of Spring Training:
- "Have I watched video of your swing? No. I'm not here to talk about the past".
- "What you want to do here is take a tablespoon of this and put it in your water bottle. Trust me".
- "Singles and doubles? No, we're not going to do that".
- "Jab this in your butt. If you're queasy, we re-signed Khalil Greene to take care of it for you".
- "Tony, I thought you said I could do this job from my super secret compound in Southern California".
Rudy Jaramillo v. Mark McGwire. Early advantage: Cubs
TMS Ombudsman
October 06, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
"The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves." -- Oscar WildeAny reader of Thunder Matt's Saloon, if they so choose, can find an article or joke that offends their better sensibilities. The blogosphere is, after all, a mish-mash of controversial and unresearched opinion and poor attempts at humor. TMS is no exception. That being said, the TMS staff (and this Ombudsman) believes that it's readership is of a mature enough stature that they will turn a blind eye to the worst of these transgressions. Even so, there is little room at TMS for blatant obscenity, be it graphic or written in nature. Offending authors could be pointed out, shunned in the comments, and otherwise mocked and ridiculed by readers. But what if there is a contradiction within the realm of vulgarity? Specifically, what does it say when a writer contradicts his own moral high ground? Does self-contradiction imply heightened intelligence, as Oscar Wilde might have us believe? Or is one who contradicts himself simply lazy and foolish, inattentive to his own detail and message?
These questions were recently brought to light concerning contradictory means of censorship by different staffers. The first concerns a piece titled "On the Bright Side of Things", penned by Surrounded By Communists. SBC, as we will call him, chose to alter the term "fuck-up" in his opening sentence, replacing it with the awkward "f&ck up". Listen, we're all adults here. When used properly, the word "fuck" can effectively shoulders a great burden, conveying emotions that cleaner synonyms cannot. Despite this attention to self-censorship, SBC proceeds to caption his first photo in the article by employing the word "asshole". So one is fine, but not the other?
TMS is not being hounded by the FCC. There is no magical hour of the night that demarcates a line between the use of clean and foul language. TMS is written for a mature audience. The prevalence of "fuck" and "asshole" throughout the Internet and other forms of mass media has truly desensitized their impact for the majority of Western society. There should be little reason to hesitate in using them, as long as they help in maximizing effect and are not directed toward individuals in a hateful, irresponsible manner. Consistency in this respect should be maintained amongst TMS staff. Contradiction of this rule, particularly by one author in the same post, should be avoided. If nothing else, such resolve by the author precipitates a level of trust and understanding between writer and reader; a bind that is essential for continued growth in an often-overwhelming sea of sports and entertainment blogs.
While conviction in prose is most admirable, vigilance should be maintained at all times when it comes to visual content. On Monday, staff writer Arcturus posted a photo which most would consider questionable in taste, and certainly unsafe for the work environment (and let's be honest, most TMS readers peruse the site while at work). Though Arcturus seemingly made an attempt at obscuring the most private parts of "Ms. Phoenix Ray", there is clearly a nipple slipping through on the left breast. Discretion being the better part of valor, this picture and post should have come with a clear warning, possibly with a link to the photo instead of having it embedded in the article. Pictures do, after all, say a thousand words (and scar a thousand minds).
Make no mistake: words and pictures are held to different standards. Expletives are palatable when given context, whereas pictures draw the eyes and can bypass context entirely. There is no contradiction in saying that one is favorable over the other.
Or is there?
Editor's Note: Surrounded By Communists was recently dismissed for this and other infractions deemed detrimental to the integrity of TMS. The other infractions involved a fraternity house and a broomstick.
Jeremy Piven Career Status Update
September 21, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Not only did Piven fail to defend his Emmy for Best Supporting Comedy Actor last night (he had won the previous three years for his role in Entourage), but he's apparently burned so many bridges in the industry that he wasn't even nominated. Instead of attending the ceremony, he presumably used those precious free hours to wax his chest and drunk dial from his little black book. Unconfirmed reports say that he eventually fell asleep while holding a mirror and a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.
EMMY FAIL
Brant's Rant
September 14, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
First off, welcome back to the NFL. We missed you greatly.NFL Division Matchups in Week 1: Does anyone else think that it might not be the best idea to play divisional rivals during the first week of the season? By it's nature, we witness quite a bit of rust during Week 1, as most starters do not play in the last pre-season game, and new players have yet to fully click with their teammates and gameplans. I do not mean this as an excuse for poor opening game performances, but I think it is a fair argument. For example, the Bears and Packers both looked like they were working out kinks on offense last night. If the Bears are going to have a game scheduled with a non-conference opponent like the Bengals, why not slot that in for the first week of the season, instead of an important game with a divisional foe? It would allow the players a full game to get their sea legs under them, and potential tie-breaker scenarios at the end of the season would not be dictated by what is often a less than stellar first game. Logistically, the NFL schedule is not nearly as difficult to piece together as the MLB schedule. I do not see a logical reason as to why non-conference teams, or at the very least teams outside of your division, cannot be scheduled for Week 1.
Pepsi's "Forever Young" Commercial: This commercial, featuring Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" as sung by some rapper named William, was first introduced to us during last February's Superbowl. Early this spring, in a shrewd bit of advertising, Pepsi spliced old baseball footage into the commercial and aired it on a near-continuous loop on the Major League Baseball network, amongst other stations. After six months of bombardment, the first notes of the song have come to elicit anger, hitting, and the throwing of various objects in the Brown household (mostly by Mrs. Brown). But hey, baseball season is drawing to a close, so the commercial will soon go quietly into that good night, right? Apparently not. A revamped version came on during the Steelers/Titans game, naturally with old football footage taking the place of baseball. This could quickly surpass John Mellencamp's "Our Country" song for Chevy as the most painful ad campaign ever.
Anthony Bourdain's Lack of Traveling: If you watch "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations", you'll likely have noticed that the overwhelming majority of episodes this season take place in the United States. I'd like to give the Travel Channel the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps Bourdain just wants to stay closer to home for a while. What I really hope is that the Travel Channel isn't citing the recent economic downturn as their reason for keeping Bourdain in the states. Maybe they don't have the budget of recent years, but if they indeed have chosen to ground Bourdain in favor of such one trick ponies as Andrew Zimmern and "Bite Me with Dr. Mike", then we are all being cheated. Bourdain actually brings something intellectual and personal to the table, two qualities which are increasingly lacking in our short attention span, shock value television of late.
Clint Dempsey (American soccer player): Please help me out here Clint. You make me so sad when I watch you play soccer. Are you going for the "Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3" look, or the "two days out of Auschwitz" look? For the love of God man, eat something; smile on occasion; grow your hair back out a half-inch. Please pretend that you're happy and love your job, because this could very well be a pivotal year for American soccer. So many impressionable kids are looking up to you.
The FOX Robot: Countless blogs and commenters have chided FOX for their idiotic graphic robot (you know which one I'm talking about). Many of us were secretly praying that the network would finally ditch this gimmick for the 2009 season. I didn't even want to mention it to my friends over the last few weeks for fear of jinxing it. Alas, they did not scrap the damn robot. I suppose you can give FOX kudos for their conviction, though we would rather that you did not.
A Non-Rant: I despise USC football. I'm a Big Ten guy by nature, and living in Southern California, I am tired of all the USC ball-washing. That being said, I am fairly interested in the Mark Sanchez-led Jets. I suspect that they will be on television quite a few times in our region, and I vow to maintain an interest in how they fare.
War Hero: Lime Juice
September 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
A few weeks ago, an old friend and I were tying one on at the pub after not having seen each other in over a year. Toward the end of the night, the poor bastard developed a standard drunken case of the hiccups. I chuckled at his misfortune, but he waved off my laughs and said he would fix the problem quickly. The typical cures went through my head; holding your breath, chugging water, masturbating to a Patton Oswalt stand-up routine on CD. Which way was he going to solve his dilemma? By the time I asked myself this question, he was at the bar ordering a shot. Naturally confused, I asked him what his liquor of choice was. "Not liquor, lime juice". He threw down his sour shot, and immediately his hiccups were gone.Last weekend I was out late and, toward closing time, met the same fate as my friend. Remembering his cure, I made a beeline to the bar. The barkeep honored my request, and at no charge! I threw back the shot, and I will be damned if my hiccups didn't immediately vanish. I am now a firm believer in the lime juice.
Most purveyors of fine alcohol know that lime juice is a vital ingredient in a proper margarita. But aside from margaritas and cooking, I didn't know that lime juice was good for anything else until now. My curiosity piqued, I decided to check the vast Internets for other uses of lime juice. I was pleasantly surprised with the results:
- Lime juice prevents AIDS! According to an article in National Geographic, "...flushing the vagina or washing the penis with lemon or lime juice just after sex could significantly reduce new infections". I'll be sure to pack some on my next trip to Kinshasa!
- Lime juice cures cancer -- overnight! Well, not lime juice alone, but according to this foundation, which may or may not be entirely reputable (I'm not really qualified to say), lime juice is a key ingredient to their overnight cancer cure.
- Lime juice enhances vision. Wikipedia informs us that Asian martial artists squeeze a drop or two into their eyes, presumably pre-combat. Or maybe it's post-fight lime juice for the winner, and honor suicide for the loser (again, I'm really not really qualified to draw conclusions).
Ultimately, this natural liquid wonder seems hellbent on proving that it is one of the most versatile items in your kitchen. The next time you sprain your ankle, get a blister, or contract an STD, try fixing it with lime juice first. It may even help you save money on that co-pay at the doctor's office.
College Football? Jigga What?
September 04, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
I'm not the biggest NCAA football aficionado. But last night I sat down to write a totally unrelated post, and caught myself intently watching the first quarter of the Oregon/Boise State tilt. It was a poorly executed first few series of the season, with Boise State fumbling three times on their opening drive. But you know what? It feels good to have football back, especially considering how poorly the Cubs are playing. I'll be damned if I'm not incredibly excited for the NCAA and NFL seasons.I've been to exactly one Division I game in my life, at Kinnick Stadium, probably when I was about 14 years old. I have no idea who they played that day, I have no idea if Iowa won, I'm not even sure if I had pubes at the time. My alma mater (along with a few of the other writers at TMS) is the University of Northern Iowa, perpetual contenders for the I-AA championship. It seems that the further I distance myself in miles and years from that school, the more ardently I support them, even though I'm lucky if one game per season is nationally televised.
Tomorrow afternoon, Iowa and Northern Iowa are squaring off against each other to start the season. The Hawkeyes are the heavy favorite, currently ranked number 22 in the nation. However, with this being the first game for each team, the possibilities are as exciting as Spring Training. A win for Northern Iowa, though very unlikely, would propel them to the top of I-AA football, and be a devastating blow to Iowa's already slim chances at a Big Ten title. So much hinges on each college football game, which is one reason why it is consistently the most endearing and lucrative amateur sport out there.
Now living in Southern California, I'm constantly inundated with the glories of USC football under Pete Carroll. I'm told ad nauseam how USC should always be number one in the country, how they should always play in the BCS championship game, etc. Most of the adulation is warranted, but this season the proverbial shit could hit the fan for the Trojans. Carroll has decided to hand the reigns over to true freshman quarterback Matt Barkley. This kid already has his own website. Ridiculous. Though the USC offense and defense are legitimately stacked with NFL prospects year in and year out, it is thrilling to think that they might actually have a chance to lose three games this season (at Ohio State, at Cal, at Oregon). It will be interesting to see how things shake out. With a little luck, Barkley's successes and failures may at the very least draw ESPN's attention away from Tim "Jesus" Tebow on occassion.
Whatever your team is, here's to the dreams of a successful season. Unless you root for Iowa State. In that case, may God have mercy on your soul.
