Breaking News: Carrie Fisher Fired as Head Coach of the Buffalo Bills

ORCHARD PARK - The Buffalo Bills have relieved Head Coach Carrie Fisher of her head coaching duties.  Fisher was 15-16 in her Bills career.

Heaven needed another angel.

Bears Recap: Week 3

The Bears added another win this week with a 25-19 victory over the embattled Seahawks. Seattle was without the help of seven starters including Matt Hasselbeck, but Seneca Wallace looked fairly impressive in his absence. The Bears added to their own injuries woes when Hunter Hillenmeyer had to leave with an injury to his ribs. No updates on him yet but I wouldn't be surprised if the team gave Derrick Brooks a call in the next week or two.

Cutler looked in control again and posted some decent numbers. With columnists singing his praises, you can barely smell the torches that they were using to run him out of town a scant two weeks ago. Unfortunately the Bears have yet to establish the run. Hopefully they can get things going against the recently victorious Lions this week.

Once again the Bears proved that they are kryptonite for kickers when Seattle's Olindo Mare missed two field goals in a game they lost by only six points. After missing only three kicks all of last year, no less. Jim Mora shared his thoughts with us after the game: "No excuses ... You've got to make those kicks ... Not acceptable. Not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable. We'll look at making a change everywhere." The good people at Coors are already working on the commercial. Hahahaha, no seriously Coors is terrible.

Let's get down to the real story of the game: the new jerseys for the Seahawks. Are you kidding me with this garbage? This is a professional football team and they look like a cross between a professional soccer team and one of the bullshit teams from Any Given Sunday. Don't believe me? It's on tonight on AMC at 7. Yes, there are some college teams with ludicrous uniforms but that's almost expected in college. Want a diamond cut pattern on your yellow and green shoulder pads? Sure thing Oregon! I wasn't sure what was making me more nauseous, the lime green or the Bears' secondary.

Next week, Bears vs. Lions. White Chili predicts a 27-14 victory for the Bears. I just hope I can still enjoy the game after I stab my eyes and ears to avoid the media bukkake leading up to Monday night when Favre plays the Packers. I'll be rooting for the terrorists.

The Fantasy Hangover: Week 2

Welcome to the week 2 of the Fantasy Hangover. We'll go over all the ups and downs this past weekend in fantasy football.

The Golden Chalice Full of Hennessy
Player of the Week

Chris Johnson (RB - TEN): 197 yards rushing, 87 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns is more than enough to give Johnson his first Golden Chalice of the season. All 3 touchdowns were over 50 yards. Johnson owners likely won their week 2 game on his points alone.

Give these guys a Bloody Mary and a firm slap on the ass.
Top fantasy performers of the week.

Matt Schaub (QB - HOU): After a dismal week 1 against the Jets, Schaub bounces back nicely with 357 yards passing and 4 touchdowns. Rex Grossman becomes despondent.

Frank Gore (RB - SF): It takes a mountain of patience and a gallon of Maalox to be a Frank Gore owner. After averaging a meager 1.4 yards per carry last week at Arizona, Gore busts out for 207 yards on 16 carries this week with 2 touchdowns.

Ronnie Brown (RB - MIA): Just as frustrating to own is Ronnie Brown who 30% of Yahoo managers opted to bench this week. Mistake. Brown ran for 136 yards with 2 TDs. We'll see how many folks choose to bench him this week against San Diego.

Andre Johnson (WR - HOU): Someone had to catch those passes from Schaub and that someone was Andre Johnson. Johnson coming off a career best 1575 receiving yards in 2008 showed that we can expect more of the same in 2009. 149 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns made him the top fantasy receiver of the week.

Dallas Clark (TE - IND): With Anthony Gonzalez out for while, Clark has become Peyton's #2 target behind Reggie Wayne. The former Hawkeye racked up an impressive 183 yards receiving plus a touchdown. Marv Cook would be proud.

Denver Broncos (DEF - DEN): Much like spot starting a pitcher facing the Pirates, picking up the Denver defense for their game against the Browns was an easy source for points. The Broncos D held Cleveland to just 6 points and Elvis Dumervil terrorized Brady Quinn, sacking him 4 times.

Give these guys a couple of Tylenol and a puke bucket.
The fantasy duds of the week.

Brady Quinn (QB - CLE): God and baby Jesus help you if Brady Quinn was your starter this past week. If you actually scored positive points with him they weren't very many. Quinn passed for 161 yards with no touchdowns, 1 interception and 1 lost fumble.

Beanie Wells (RB - ARI): Wells touched the ball only 7 times and ran for a respectable 44 yards, but a lost fumble all but wiped out what little gain he gave owners.

Donnie Avery (WR - STL): The Rams "#1" receiver caught 1 pass for 4 yards and lost a fumble. I can't see any reason to have a St. Louis player not named Steven Jackson on your roster at this point.

Santana Moss (WR - WAS): Almost as depressing as the Rams is the Redskins offense. Moss caught just 3 passes for 35 yards and lost a fumble. Despite their best efforts, Washington still beat the Rams.

Michael Crabtree (WR - SF): Idiot. I hope the Niners win the divison without you.

Tennessee Titans (DEF - TEN): The Titans D had a 94% start rate in Yahoo for week 2. I'd say they cost more than a few owners a win. 34 points allowed, no sacks, no interceptions, nothing.

The Skeet Sheet
Hot players you may find on the free agent wire.

QB
Byron Leftwich (TB): With the Buccaneer ground game floundering, Leftwich is airing it out, throwing 3 TDs against Buffalo. He's not going to be a stud by any means, but Leftwich is a serviceable option as a QB2 on your roster. At the very least he's a better choice than Brady Quinn.

Kevin Kolb (PHI): While he did throw 3 picks versus New Orleans, his 391 yards through the air is nothing to laugh at. With Philadelphia facing the Chiefs this week, Kolb is worth the start if you're truly desperate for a QB.

RB
Tim Hightower (ARI): He more than likely is already taken, but with Beanie Wells not exactly lighting the world on fire, it looks like Hightower is playing himself into more time on the field.

WR
Mario Manningham & Steve Smith (NYG): The Giants receiving depth chart is starting to become more clear. Manningham and Smith were Eli's favorite targets on Sunday night against the Cowboys. Both receivers caught 10 passes each. Snatch these guys up if you still can as they'll more than likely be spoken for before the Week 3 games even begin.

Mike Sims-Walker (JAC): With Troy Williamson out for the season, Sims-Walker has emerged as the #2 receiver in Jacksonville. With 6 catches for 106 yards against Arizona, he looks to be worth a roster spot if you're looking weak at WR.

Johnny Knox (CHI): Knox seemed buried on the Chicago depth chart amongst other no-name receivers trying to make a name for themselves. After two weeks he appears to be a favorite target of Cutler's and leads the team in receiving yards. Take a flyer on Knox and see if Cutler continues to look his way.

Laurent Robinson (STL): I know what I said earlier about the Rams. Look, if you're absolutely desperate for help at WR, Robinson right now appears to be St. Louis' top guy. Just don't expect a whole lot out of him. Greatest Show on Turf this ain't.

TE
Brent Celek (PHI): 8 catches for 104 yards last week and with Kolb given another start in Week 3 you can expect he'll have plenty of ball thrown his way again.

Feel free to leave any fantasy comments or questions.

Probable / Questionable / Out

Last night the NFL season kicked off in Heinz Field and other games will follow this weekend. There’s already a significant injury on the books after Crumpler rolled over Polamalu’s left leg and sprained his MCL during a FG attempt. He looked alright walking and even climbing stairs on the way to have it examined in the team locker room but all reports have him sitting out 3-6 weeks (Madden curse! Look out Fitz).

As an avid fantasy football owner, injuries drive me absolutely crazy. Last year I took Brady with my first overall pick in one league which turned out to be a spectacular move. As frustrating as circumstances like that are, even more so are the players that are listed as probable and then show up in street clothes or, on the flip side, are reported to be out for the week and then put up monster numbers. And teams don’t seem to release their status until halfway through the first series of the game, leaving people like me guessing.

Here’s my list of the usual suspects. The guys that cannot go undrafted and yet you kick yourself when you queue them up because you know that you’ll have to grab their backup too. It just so happens that they’re all running backs. Feel free to add “and Carson Palmer” at the end quietly to yourself.

Brian Westbrook: No one embodies my feelings more than this guy. The guy does everything on the football field but in his seven seasons as an Eagle, he has NEVER played in all 16 games. In fact, if you Google his name right now the story that appears at the very top lists him as “limited, but slated to play”. Last year he was listed as questionable when they played the Falcons. What did he do? 209 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Fuck you Brian Westbrook. This year he missed the entire preseason after having surgery to clean out scar tissue and bone fragments in his ankle. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Willie Parker: This guy takes a beating because, contrary to last nights game, the Steelers are first and foremost a running team. However, last year it was always his shoulder bothering him, except of course when it was his knee. But even when he was healthy to start the year he put up these consecutive yard totals: 47, 37, 221, 25, 138. This year he missed part of the preseason with hamstring and back issues. Last night he was held to just 19 yards against a tough Titans defense. Odds are he’ll be splitting time with a handful of guys from now on.

Joseph Addai: This guy was a huge boost for the Colts in ’07 but last year had some knee problems and from week to week nobody knew if he, Dominic Rhodes, or Kenton Keith was going to start. The thing about the Colts offense is that you don’t have to be an overpowering back to be of value. All you have to do is block for a second, run five yards, turn around and wait for Peyton to pitch you the ball. Before you know it, you’ll have 75+ receiving yards and bowling over safeties is a lot less damaging than having to squeeze between linemen and linebackers. He could very well return to form this year but I’m still keeping my distance.

Larry Johnson: I’ll cut Larry a little bit of slack because he’s on Kansas City and doesn’t have much in the way of a “team” surrounding him. But that doesn’t excuse getting benched for three games for “violating team rules”, asking to be traded, and facing repeated charges for assault. Sure, he’s the premiere back on the team but his track record doesn’t instill most people with a great deal of confidence.

Steven Jackson: Here’s a situation similar to that of Larry Johnson. No one to throw or catch the ball, so everything comes down on your shoulders. Regardless of how much talent you possess, that’s a tall order. Last year it resulted in a thigh problem that never seemed to go away. Every week in November seemed to be a game-time decision.


Reggie Bush: Ah Reggie Bush. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all watch you play at USC forever? It’s not like you weren’t already getting paid. He’s had a nagging calf injury and add to that the microfracture surgery he had during the offseason on his knee and you can definitely consider him an injury risk. He missed 10 games over the last two years and is already splitting time with Pierre Thomas. His biggest games are never the result of consistent rushes, but rather due to one or two big plays. Thanks but no thanks.

Frank Gore: Somehow Frank Gore always appears as the recommended fourth overall pick. Can someone please tell me why? Next year is always supposed to be his breakout year. Last year he had 608 rushing yards and a whopping THREE touchdowns. In fact, he was held under 50 yards rushing nine times last year. I take it back, this guy isn’t an injury risk, he’s just awful.

Clinton Portis: Portis usually comes through when he’s on the field. Last year looked to be no different when he went five weeks in a row rushing for over 120 yards, was leading the league by a wide margin, and was a good candidate for MVP. But things started to taper off in November after a nagging sore hip and then you had no idea what you were going to get. The problem was, Portis was never completely out so he would cannibalize his replacements’ stats as well. Supposedly he’s back to form.

Add your own fantasy nightmares in the comments. No, not those fantasy nightmares.

TMS 2009 Fantasy Football Player Rankings: IDP Edition

For some of you, just having team defense doesn't satisfy you. For those that prefer to play with individual defensive players (IDP) here are some cheat sheets for your needs.

You can check out my rankings for QB, RB, WR, TE, K, and DEF/ST here.

DEFENSIVE LINE

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Jared Allen, MIN	16.	Darryl Tapp, SEA
2.	Julius Peppers, CAR	17.	Dwight Freeney, IND
3.	Mario Williams, HOU	18.	Gaines Adams, TB
4.	Justin Tuck, NYG	19.	Alex Brown, CHI
5.	Trent Cole, PHI	20.	Dewayne White, DET
6.	Robert Mathis, IND	21.	Chris Long, STL
7.	John Abraham, ATL	22.	Albert Haynesworth, WAS
8.	Terrell Suggs, BAL	23.	Darnell Dockett, ARI
9.	Adewale Ogunleye, CHI	24.	Ray Edwards, MIN
10.	Aaron Schobel, BUF	25.	Aaron Kampman, GB
11.	Justin Smith, SF	26.	Tamba Hali, KC
12.	Kyle Vanden Bosch, TEN	27.	Mathias Kiwanuka, NYG
13.	Patrick Kerney, SEA	28.	Will Smith, NO
14.	Osi Umenyiora, NYG	29.	Kevin Williams, MIN
15.	Shaun Rogers, CLE	30.	Andre Carter, WAS

On the edge of the radar: Cliff Avril DET, Shaun Ellis NYJ, Charles Grant NO, Derrick Harvey JAC, Cullen Jenkins GB, Brian Orakpo WAS


LINEBACKER

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Patrick Willis, SF	26.	Nick Barnett, GB
2.	Jon Beason, CAR	27.	Ernie Sims, DET
3.	James Harrison, PIT	28.	James Laurinaitis, STL
4.	Lance Briggs, CHI	29.	Thomas Davis, CAR
5.	Kirk Morrison, OAK	30.	Bradie James, DAL
6.	Barrett Ruud, TB	31.	A.J. Hawk, GB
7.	Jonathan Vilma, NO	32.	Channing Crowder, MIA
8.	Karlos Dansby, ARI	33.	Lawrence Timmons, PIT
9.	DeMarcus Ware, DAL	34.	Bart Scott, NYJ
10.	D.J. Williams, DEN	35.	David Harris, NYJ
11.	DeMeco Ryans, HOU	36.	Shawne Merriman, SD
12.	D'Qwell Jackson, CLE	37.	Adalius Thomas, NE
13.	E.J. Henderson, MIN	38.	Justin Durant, JAC
14.	London Fletcher, WAS	39.	Julian Peterson, DET
15.	Jerod Mayo, NE	40.	Thomas Howard, OAK
16.	Ray Lewis, BAL	41.	Will Witherspoon, STL
17.	Gary Brackett, IND	42.	Keith Rivers, CIN
18.	Brian Urlacher, CHI	43.	LaMarr Woodley, PIT
19.	Chad Greenway, MIN	44.	Antonio Pierce, NYG
20.	Curtis Lofton, ATL	45.	Keith Bulluck, TEN
21.	Paul Posluszny, BUF	46.	Aaron Curry, SEA
22.	James Farrior, PIT	47.	Gerald Hayes, ARI
23.	Lofa Tatupu, SEA	48.	Leroy Hill, SEA
24.	Stephen Cooper, SD	49.	Clint Session, IND
25.	Derrick Johnson, KC	50.	Stewart Bradley, PHI

On the edge of the radar: Dhani Jones CIN, Brian Cushing HOU, Zach Diles HOU, Calvin Pace NYJ, Rey Maualuga CIN, Michael Boley NYG, Takeo Spikes SF, Pisa Tinoisamoa CHI, Freddie Keiaho IND, Boss Bailey DEN


DEFENSIVE BACK

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Eric Weddle, SD	16.	Chris Gamble, CAR
2.	Oshiomogho Atogwe, STL	17.	Champ Bailey, DEN
3.	Gibril Wilson, MIA	18.	Kevin Payne, CHI
4.	Antoine Winfield, MIN	19.	Quintin Mikell, PHI
5.	Adrian Wilson, ARI	20.	Erik Coleman, ATL
6.	Bernard Pollard, KC	21.	Nick Collins, GB
7.	Charles Tillman, CHI	22.	Chris Horton, WAS
8.	Yeremiah Bell, MIA	23.	Cortland Finnegan, TEN
9.	Cedric Griffin, MIN	24.	Antrel Rolle, ARI
10.	Michael Lewis, SF	25.	Atari Bigby, GB
11.	Richard Marshall, CAR	26.	Kenny Phillips, NYG
12.	Brandon Meriweather, NE	27.	Ed Reed, BAL
13.	Troy Polamalu, PIT	28.	Chris Hope, TEN
14.	Kerry Rhodes, NYJ	29.	DeAngelo Hall, WAS
15.	Roman Harper, NO	30.	Michael Griffin, TEN

On the edge of the radar: Brian Dawkins DEN, Charles Woodson GB, Jarrad Page KC, Bob Sanders IND, Leon Hall CIN, Nick Harper TEN, Terrence McGee BUF

All Favre'd Out

Hey Brett Favre, are you cool? No, seriously, I want to know.

Hey ESPN, are you okay, too? Because every top story or interview seems to be about or involving Brett Favre. Seriously? I know it's a slow time in sports right now, but I don't care about Brett Favre. I don't care what he ate for breakfast. I don't care how many passes he threw today. I don't care if he sleeps on his stomach or his back (my guess is his stomach, better access if you know what I mean).

I mean, this story was great...LAST YEAR! Oh wait, it was retarded then too. At least last year Favre was moving to a major market. Now he's going to Minnesota. You know, Prince, Fargo, a big ass mall. That's great, I get it. You want to get back at the Packers for treating you like shit. I mean, it's not like you were idolized there or anything. I'm pretty sure some stupid ass kid didn't wear your jersey for like 2 years straight. Oh, wait you were, and he did.

So last year...didn't work out how you expected, did it? All that ESPN penis in your vagina might have hampered your throwing arm I guess. You were probably pretty overwhelmed when Mike Greenburg of Mike and Mike changed all his kids names to Brett Favre.

Welcome back to the NFC North, Brett. Personally, I'm glad to see you're back. I look forward to November 29th and especially Monday Night Football on December 28th. You see, that's when the Bears get to play the Vikings. I'm sure you remember those guys right? No? Well, here's a photo to remind you.


Yeah, expect more of that. That is if your arm hasn't already fallen off or you're benched after throwing 80 interceptions. And thanks again for taking time out of my precious SportCenter to cover your stupid ass. I mean, it's not like football doesn't start for another month. Wait, is it that soon? Time to order my Cutler jersey. GFY #4, wherever you play.

Go Cubs!

Bears Trade for Jay Cutler, And Not the Mr. Olympia One

The Chicago Bears just pulled off a huge coup, shocking everyone (including Jesus) by trading for Jay Cutler. Not the weightlifting champ pictured above, but the perpetually sad quarterback with diabetes. Besides being sad and short on insulin, he's also very talented.

I did not see this coming. I mean, really, who ever expects the Bears to be involved with anything exciting, games included? This is huge. Bring back Ditka (if for nothing else than to get him off the air) and then they're really cooking with gas. Talk amongst yourselves.

Update: Now it appears the Bears have also signed Orlando Pace. No, not the heir to salsa throne, but the mildly obese, aging left tackle who still happens to be really good. The Apocalypse appears to be upon us.

Little Kurt Warner Sat In A Corner, Not Being In The Hall Of Fame

By now, it's probably sunk in that the Arizona Cardinals (yes, those Arizona Cardinals) are going to the Super Bowl. As far as unlucky/just plain bad franchises go, the Cards were right up there with the Cubs in terms of not only championship droughts, but even getting to the final round of competition in their league. Really, Anquan Boldin's recent antics aside, there's no reason not to like the Cardinals. They don't have any players that are giant douchebags, their coaches are nice enough, and hell, it's been so long for them that you kind of have to pull for them at least a little, right? Even the presence of Matt Leinart can't tarnish their role as Destiny's Darlings.

If you're wondering if I brought up Leinfart just for the sake of linking to that picture, the answer is 'Yes'.)

With this recent wave of euphoria for Arizona fans, there has been talk of Kurt Warner cementing his place as a sure-fire Hall of Fame player.

Now let's just hold up for a second here.

Maybe Arizona fans, and football fans in general, are just getting caught up in the feel-good story. Kurt Warner's been a fantastic role model, a damn good teammate, and a great quarterback. But it's not called the Hall of Great. The Hall of Fame is meant for the best of the best, people that dominated year in and year out, and I just don't think Kurt Warner is quite there yet.

Let me just start by saying that I have a ton of respect for Warner. He could have retired years ago or accepted life as a backup and just show up to collect a paycheck. But he didn't. And when he's been good, he's been really good. The first year I played fantasy football was in 1999, the year Warner became the ringleader of the Greatest Show on Turf. From 1999-2001, Warner and the Rams were a nightmare for secondaries, breaking records and taking names. He led the Rams to 2 Super Bowls, winning one of them, as well as picking up 2 MVP trophies.

Warner burned corners and safeties. He burned their kids, he burned their wives, he burned their parents and their parents' friends. He burns the houses they live in and the stores they work in. He burns people that owe them money.

And like that (poof)...he's gone. Underground. Nobody saw him for 5 years. He became a myth, a spook story that secondary coaches tell their players at night. "Take a play off, and Kurt Warner will burn you on a deep slant."

Then Warner materializes in Arizona, has one good year and one great year, and all of the sudden he's one of the best ever? Sorry, but something about that doesn't sit right with me.

So let's get down to it. Why doesn't Kurt Warner belong in the Hall of Fame?

The first point I want to make is that I am going to completely throw out the supporting cast argument. It would be easy for me to say that a lot of Kurt Warner's numbers were inflated because of the offenses he played in and the players that surrounded him, but that's just pure speculation. For all I know, Warner would have been just as good in St. Louis and Arizona this past season with average receivers. Did the offensive personnel around Warner make him better, or did he make them all better? Are his stats inflated because he's played with some bad defenses in the past and has always had to chuck the ball in the 4th quarter? Would he have been better some years with a legit offensive line? There are too many speculations about who made who better that we could argue all day and get nowhere, so I'll just ignore it.

Let's start with the statistics. The one that sticks out the most is that Kurt Warner is fourth all-time in quarterback rating with a career mark of 93.8, right behind Peyton Manning, Tony Romo (?) and Steve Young. Right below Kurt is Tom Brady. When you're looking to make the Hall of Fame, those are some pretty good guys to be stacked up next to, right?

But if you look down the list just a bit, you see Chad Pennington at #8. Clearly, Chad is no Hall of Fame quarterback at this point in his career. And yet, Pennington sits there with a career rating of 90.6, which means that Warner is just as close to Pennington as he is to Steve Young. Now I'm not saying that QB rating means nothing, and I'm certainly not saying that everyone ranked near or below Pennington is not HoF worthy. I'm just saying that when one of the main stats you point to for your Hall candidacy is one that can be cracked by someone as 'good, but not really great' as Pennington, you'd better have some other gaudy numbers to back it up.

The other Warner stats that jump out as much better than those of his peers are Passing Yards Per Game (1st all-time), Yards Per Pass Attempt (5th), and passing Completion % (2nd). They all seem pretty impressive, but if you look at those first two stats, you also have to keep in mind that Warner ranks in the top 10 all-time in Pass Attempts Per Game, meaning that Kurt had much more of a chance to rack up those passing yards per game than most quarterbacks. And yes, in terms of completion percentage, Warner is the second most accurate passer of all time. Who's #1? Good old Chad Pennington! And while the rest of the top 10 in accuracy include HoF-worthy names like Brady, Young, Montana and Manning, names like Carson Palmer and Daunte Culpepper are also nestled in there too.

So it's true, Warner does rank right up there in some categories with Steve Young, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre and Joe Montana. But those guys also brought the numbers in the bigger categories as well

I'd consider the biggest passing categories to be touchdown passes, passing yards and completions. Warner doesn't crack the top 20 in any of those career categories. He doesn't even crack the top 30. He just squeaks into each of those categories if you look at the top 40.

One of the biggest concerns for me is the fact that Kurt Warner dropped off the face of the Earth for about 5 consecutive seasons in the middle of his career. So if you're one of those people that takes that kind of thing into account, Warner's most likely lost your vote. Some believe that to get into the Hall, you need to show sustained excellence over a prolonged period of time, and Kurt Warner fails this test. I just don't feel comfortable putting someone into the Hall who pulled a disappearing act like that during what should have been some of the prime years of his career. And if you take a look at this dark period in his career, you'll see that after Warner's 3 years of excellence, he was either really bad or hurt. Or both.

After 2001, he's only played in 16 games in a season once, which was this past season (He's only played a full season 3 times in his entire career). From 2002 to 2006, he had 27 touchdowns and 30 interceptions. Over that same period of time, he fumbled the ball 45 times and lost 17 of them. Over that time period, he was also sacked 123 times (3.5 times per game) and had a record of 8-23.

So really, Kurt Warner had 2 ungodly seasons where he put up video-game type numbers (1999 and 2001), 2 fantastic seasons (2000 and 2008) and one really good season (2007). That means that half the seasons of Kurt Warner's career were positive. This also means that half of his career has been made up of average to below-average seasons. There's another player I'm thinking of that had 1 really good season, 2 dominating seasons, 1 ungodly 'Warner in 1999' season, and 3 clunkers mostly because of injury. That man is Terrell Davis, and you don't see him in the Hall of Fame.

Now, is Warner really close to being a Hall of Fame worthy? Yes, I'll agree with that. He's led 2 different teams to the Super Bowl and could be the first QB ever to win with 2 different teams. And a lot of his 'major' numbers are hurt because he hasn't been playing for as long as some other players due to a late career start and injuries. So if Warner can keep playing at the same level for another 2-3 years, I think he'll stamp his ticket to Canton. Hell, even another Super Bowl win would at least make the debate more interesting.

But as of right now, at this very day, I don't think Kurt Warner is a Hall of Famer. Sure, most quarterbacks will come up short in some categories and statistics, but I think a lot of the major holes in Warner's resume can't quite be covered up by the phenomenal seasons he had to start his career.

Kurt Warner: Great guy.

Role model.

Man of God.

Hall of Famer? Not right now.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: NFC Championship Game

The NFC Championship was certainly a little more exciting than the AFC game.

I don't have time to give full quarter by quarter rundowns so here's the skinny on how the game played out.

• Both teams manage to reach the red zone on their respective opening drives but both McNabb and Warner throw picks in the end zone leading to no scores.

• Philly scores first with a 24 yard TD run by Brian Westbrook (7-0 Philly).

• Arizona comes right back in the second quarter when on 3 and long Warner finds Anquan Boldin deep who makes a diving catch. Warner would find Boldin again in the end zone to tie the game (7-7).

• Not much action the rest of the first half as both teams manage 3 and outs and Rackers missed a 54 yard field goal.

• Philly is playing tight coverage on Fitzgerald forcing Warner to look elsewhere. Luckily Edgerrin James is having a great game running the ball.

• To start the second half, the Cards drive down the field almost entirely on the ground with Edge. They cap off the drive with a TD pass from Warner to Edge (14-7 ARI). The drive takes half the third quarter to complete.

• McNabb fumbles the ball on the ensuing drive and with great field position Arizona scores immediately on a TD pass to Jerheme Urban (21-7 ARI)

• Do or die time in the 4th quarter, Philly successfully drives 94 yards to score on another run by Brian Westbrook (21-14 ARI).

• Running out of time, Philly tries an onside and fails. Arizona just needs to control the ball and run the clock down.

• On fourth down, Rackers misses a 44 yard FG attempt and Philly gets the ball on their own 27 with less than a minute left.

• McNabb completes a huge pass to Kevin Curtis down to the Arizona 40. With 8 seconds left McNabb can't find anyone open and dumps it to Westbrook as a last ditch effort. Westbrook breaks a few tackles and busts into the open field. He takes it 40 yards for the touchdown with no time left on the clock. The PAT ties it and we go to overtime (21-21).

• Arizona wins the toss and does not mess around. Several runs by Edge take the Cards down the field swiftly before Rackers hits a 32 yarder to win the game (24-21 ARI).

Player of the game is most certainly Edgerrin James who was amazing, rushing for 147 yards on 22 carries.
So there you have it. Tecmo Sim 2009 has predicted a Cardinals vs. Ravens Super Bowl.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: AFC Championship Game

Welcome to the Tecmo Sim Playoff Predictor! It's the only place on Earth where a showdown between the boring, defense-first Steelers and the just as boring, defense-first Baltimore Ravens can be over in minutes. But much like the real game will be, it seemed to take about 10 times as long to be over than it actually was. Let's check out the highlights:

BALTIMORE at PITTSBURGH

1ST QUARTER:

The Steelers receive the ball to start the game. Ben Roethlisberger tries some trickery at the line of scrimmage where he comes out of the huddle looking just like every other white player on his Tecmo team! This doesn't prevent him from getting picked off on his first pass attempt by Samari Rolle. Take that, British Clock!

Joe Flacco comes out for the Ravens and starts thinking that since Roethlisberger won a Super Bowl in his rookie season, maybe he should be like Ben. With that in mind, Flacco chucks an INT on his first pass as well. Steelers ball.

Taking advantage of the situation, Big Ben throws a loooong pass to Charlie Ward...err...Daryl Ward...umm...Hines Ward. Follow that up with a short run by Mewelde Moore, and you've got yourself a 7-0 Steelers lead. As you can see from the picture on the right, Moore's contact also came out on the play and he had to spend 10 minutes looking for it.

Jeff Reed's crappy kickoff gives the Ravens the ball at their own 40. Flacco converts a huge 3rd down conversion with his legs, and his linemen give him some time to rest on the next play when he has about 10 whole seconds of protection to lock on to Mark Clayton for a huge TD grab. At the end of the first quarter, it's all tied up 7-7.

2ND QUARTER:

The Steelers go 3 and out and punt to the Ravens. Flacco and Co. don't do much better, giving up consecutive monster sacks to Aaron Smith. That guy is a beast! There's no number on the front of his jersey because he murdered them, but not before murdering all of their friends and family. The Steelers get the ball back, drive down the field behind the running of Willie Parker, and kick a field goal. Exciting. Not.

It's halftime, and I'm napping already. 10-7 Steelers.

HALFTIME:

"Pittsburgh: Where The Cheerleaders Have Only 1 Eye..."

3RD QUARTER:

Baltimore is happy that they get the ball to start the half. Wanting to be as big a douche as possible because his team benched him at the end of the season, Willis McGahee coughs up the ball and the Steelers are back on offense.

Terrell Suggs gets pissed that in Tecmo, his uniform looks pink and takes that aggression out on a gigantic sack on Big Ben. But the Steelers recover and kick another field goal. Pittsburgh is up 13-7.

The Ravens decide to pull out all the stops and go back to a high school offense. They run a reverse...that fails. They run another reverse...that fails. Le'Ron McClain catches a screen pass for juuust enough to give Baltimore a first down. They decide to go back to the reverse...and fail yet again. Joe Flacco gets tired of being on the field and throws an interception.

Not wanting to give his opponent time to sit and have a break and maybe some hot chocolate, Roethlisberger throws an interception of his own so he can get back to his spot on the bench before it gets cold. Flacco responds by completing a 30 yard pass to Todd Heap and Le'Ron McClain finishes off the drive with a 2 yard run (a reverse!) for a touchdown. As seen in the picture to the right, he and the referee accidentally superglue their asses together. No one cares, because it's 14-13 Ravens and by this time, everyone wants to go home.

4TH QUARTER:

On the next play, Roethlisberger does what he does best: holds on to the ball too long and takes the sack. The Steelers do nothing and punt to the Ravens. There's under 2 minutes left, so the Steelers have to start using their timeouts. On a 3rd and long, the Ravens bust out...THE REVERSE! Clearly the Steelers didn't think the Ravens would continue to use such a terrible play, because the run goes for 25 yards and pretty much seals up the game. That Brian Billick truly is an offensive genius. What? He's not coaching anymore? When did that happen?

The Steelers make things interesting by stopping the Ravens dead in their tracks and getting the ball back with under a minute to go. However, Roethlisberger completes the Circle of Life. he started the game with an INT to Samari Rolle, and he ends the game with an INT to Samari Rolle. Ravens win 14-13.

Player Of The Game was me, for having to sit through this without being able to change the channel. BOOOOOOO-RINNNNNNG!

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: Express Edition

The Tecmo Sim went 2-0 on it's predictions yesterday and nearly nailed the Arizona-Carolina score perfectly. I went ahead and did a quick sim of one more game for today.

SAN DIEGO at PITTSBURGH

Pittsburgh pretty much stuck to their ground game and did well but couldn't produce in the red zone, getting held to a field goal one time and losing the ball on a fumble another. The game stayed close in the first half (7-3 SD), but the Chargers took control in the second as Darren Sproles unleashed the fury scoring two touchdowns. Vincent Jackson also had two touchdowns as the Chargers had no problem beating the Steelers 28-10. The lack of Tomlinson has big Ewing Theory potential here.


Tecmo Sim will be back next week to cover the conference championships.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009

Back by mildly popular demand, it's time to once again simulate the NFL playoff outcomes on the most ingenious and amazingly accurate prediction system ever created: a copy of Tecmo Super Bowl for NES with the roster's edited to the players of today.

It takes a man of great talent and insight to put such a thing together. A man lacking any semblance of a social life who willingly sacrifices dignity, self-respect, and taking showers, to produce this product for the greater good of society....

....and that man is me.

For this weekend I will cover two games. The Baltimore Ravens at the Tennessee Titans, and the Arizona Cardinals at the Carolina Panthers.

BALTIMORE at TENNESSEE

The Ravens coming off last week's win over Miami, take on the top-seeded Titans. Both have pretty tough defenses so there probably won't be much scoring here.

First Quarter

Baltimore wins the toss and elects to receive. While starting with relatively good field position they do nothing and quickly go 3 and out.

Tennessee returns the punt and starts on their own 13 yard line. Collins finds McCareins deep and a big run from LenDale White puts the Titans well into Raven territory in no time. But just as they get momentum Collins is picked off by Fabian Washington at the 5 yard line.

Tennessee's defense manages to pick up the safety though and put the first points on the board (2-0, Titans).

The Titans return the ensuing kickoff to the 50 yard line and another long pass to McCareins takes them down to the 15. The drives stalls out though and Rob Bironas blows a 31 yard FG attempt.

Second Quarter

Baltimore continues to not do shit with the ball. That is until on 3rd and 12, Joe Flacco finds Derrick Mason who makes a jumping catch, dodges his defenders that dive too early in classic Tecmo fashion and waltzes into the endzone for a touchdown (7-2 Ravens).

Tennessee, again successfully drives the ball downfield and into Baltimore territory. But once again Collins is picked off. This time by Jim Leonhard.

After Le'Ron McClain runs for a first down, Flacco throws three straight incompletions and the Ravens punt for a touchback. I begin thinking of what could be more pathetic than watching this game? Simulating the X Games by watching the computer play Skate or Die?

With time running out, Collins gets picked off yet again by Fabian Washington. I haven't seen a computer QB play this poorly on Tecmo since Steve Grogan. The clock runs out and we go to halftime with the score 7-2 in favor of Baltimore.

Third Quarter

The Titans get the ball to start the half and Jesus H Christ if Kerry Collins didn't throw another pick, this one again to Jim Leonhard. What the hell? Did I program Collins wrong, did I make him an alcoholic again?

The Tennessee defense is doing everything in their power to keep the game close, as is Joe Flacco. The guy is literally standing in the pocket for what seems like days before a defender can reach him and the dumb son of a bitch still gets sacked. Baltimore punts for a touchback.

Tennessee gets rolling yet again with LenDale White running 46 yards on the first play. Clearly they just need to run the ball and forget the passing game at this point. Nope. They try some more passes, Collins gets sacked, the drive stalls. Bironas hits a 52 yard field goal (7-5 Ravens).

On the kickoff Yamon Figurs fumbles the return, Tennessee recovers on the Baltimore 21. Things are getting interesting as the third quarter comes to an end.

Fourth Quarter

Sweet Jebus! Tennessee couldn't find their assholes let alone the endzone. Three failed plays and Bironas comes out to kick another field goal. But they at least have the lead (8-7 Titans).

Baltimore gains some ground on a 12 yard pass to Derrick Mason, but Flacco is sacked deep on a blitz and the Ravens face 3rd and 21. With time ticking away, Flacco throws long and finds Mark Clayton for the touchdown. 1991 Tecmo Mark Clayton nods approvingly (14-8 Ravens).

Tennessee in what is looking like a final do or die situation begin their drive. Kerry Collins is actually throwing to his own team for a change but they seem to not know how to catch a ball as Justin Gage drops two straight wide open passes. Perhaps he should watch the Ravens secondary more to see how it's done. With time almost gone they have to go for it on 4th down. Ray Lewis sacks Collins and the Ravens take over on downs.

Le'Ron McClain puts the final nail in the coffin and scores on a short run (21-8 Ravens).

Time runs out and the Ravens emerge victorious. I emerge from my beer fridge with another bottle of Schlitz as I blah out the memories of this game I actually watched and chronicled.

Player of the game goes to Joe Flacco, who pretty much didn't do shit but when it counted had two huge TD passes, both on 3rd and long situations.

Yeah Le'Ron McClain's name looks all fucked up. Apparently an apostrophe is too much for 1991 8-bit technology to comprehend.


ARIZONA at CAROLINA

It's the high-powered passing game led by Kurt "Sultan of Stubble" Warner, versus the tough running duo of DeAngelo Williams and that other guy.

First Quarter

Arizona wins the toss and gets the ball first. I immediately regret my decision to not change the Cardinals playbook from the original Tecmo Super Bowl as they keep running the same horrible reverse play with Larry Fitzgerald that never works. A quick 3 and out and it's Carolina's ball.

The Arizona defense is fired up. After a sack by Gerald Hayes, Antrel Rolle picks off Jake Delhomme and gives the Cardinals the ball on the Carolina 23.

Warner takes no time to take advantage of the situation and connects with Anquan Boldin on the very first play (7-0 Cards).

On the next drive, Carolina realizes that Delhomme sucks and decides to run the ball instead. DeAngelo Williams runs all over the Arizona D and eventually finds the endzone to tie things up (7-7 tie).

Arizona returns the ball to their own 13. A couple nice runs by Edge and a big pass to Boldin put the Cards in Panther territory as the quarter ends.

Second Quarter

The Cards are forced to a 3rd and 16, when TD Jesus strikes again, finding what is looking like his favorite target today, Anquan Boldin for another score. At least in the 8-bit video game realm, his hamstring is just fine (14-7 Cards).

Carolina is really looking like shit as they fumble the kick return. Arizona recovers at the Carolina 10. The Panther defense clamps down however as Jon Beason sacks Warner and the drive stalls. Neil Rackers hits a field goal to salvage things (17-7 Cards).

Carolina finally gets another drive going but Delhomme throws another pick, this time in the endzone. Arizona farts around with the ball on a series of runs with Edge and that god damn Fitzgerald reverse again. Time runs out and they go into halftime with a 10 point lead.

Third Quarter

Carolina seems fired up to start the half as they successfully march down the field 70 yards, finishing things off with a TD pass to Muhsin Muhammad (17-14 Cards).

Arizona goes 3 and out and punts. This actually could turn into a game here.

Nope, Antrel Rolle intercepts another errant pass from Delhomme after a Carolina drive that took them down to the red zone. The Cardinals grind it out on the ground with Edge as the quarter ends.

Fourth Quarter

Carolina manages to stop the Cards and force the punt. With the Panthers looking to take the lead, the wheels come off as Jake Delhomme decides to run with the ball but fumbles. Bertrand Berry recovers, giving Arizona great field position.

So what does Warner do? Throw another touchdown to Boldin, that's what (24-14 Cards).

Things are looking dire for the Panthers. Before they can really get anything going, Jonathan Stewart fumbles the ball. Antrel Rolle recovers and once again the Cards have the ball with excellent field position.

Warner decides to spread the love this time and finds Larry Fitzgerald for a touchdown. Put a fork in the Panthers, this game is over (31-14 Cards).

The Panthers flounder a few final plays of futility while I suck back my Schlitz and think about the thousands of things right now I could be doing that would be more productive than this. Game over, Cardinals win, Panthers lose, I search for more beer.

Player of the game obviously is Kurt Warner but Antrel Rolle deserves a special nod as well. In the postgame interview Warner gives credit to his wonderful teammates, especially Jesus who made everything possible. Wait, I don't remember putting Jesus on their roster...

....oh wait, I guess I did.

Jesus is an all around great player, but his "turn the other cheek" philosophy makes it tough for him to lay an effective hit on his opponents.

War Criminal: San Diego Chargers, Their Fans, And Anything Related To Either

I just got done watching the Chargers upset the Colts in the NFL playoffs. As I sat here looking into the face of San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers' stupid face celebrating like he actually had anything to do with the win, I can no longer hide my rage.

I hate the Chargers.

I hate the majority of their fans.

I hate the following things by association: charge cards, electrical charges, the 'Charge' spell in World of Warcraft, finance charges, and that song played at every sporting event that goes "nah-nah-nah-NAH-nah-NAHHHHH! CHAAAARGE!!!".

First off, let's take a look at the players. Philip Rivers is an idiot. he seems like one of those guys that will never ever stop acting like the same douchebag he was in college. Normally players like this fade into nothingness (I'm looking at you, Leinart), but since Rivers has had some success this year, I think I'm going to have to put up with him for years. Someone please remove my head from the doorway as I'm sure by the time you've read this, I'll have smashed myself in it many many times.

And don't even get me started with Shawne Merriman. You take steroids and you can't even spell your name correctly. You should be banned from living. And if I have to hear any more about how there were Chargers left off the Pro Bowl roster and it's some kind of league wide conspiracy, I'm going to burn something down. When Pro Bowl voting ended, your team sucked and was 4-8. You deserve nothing.

The reason I can't stand most fans is that after the first game of the year, and even as close as 4 weeks ago, that bandwagon was E-M-P-T-Y. They couldn't give away seats. There was more room than in between Paris Hilton's legs. Now? EVERY SINGLE CHARGERS FAN claims that they've 'been there from the beginning'. After they snuck into the playoffs, sales on Chargers gear must have shot through the roof here in San Diego as everyone needed to show how hardcore they were by putting stupid flags in their car windows. Expect this trend to continue.

Norv Turner, you look like a frog. Tomlinson, you're not 'LT'. Lawrence Taylor is the only 'LT' in my book and you're lucky he's retired or he would have torn your leg off of your body the first time you played each other and tackled you with it.

Here's a picture of Philip Rivers on any given day of his life:

Here's a picture of Philip Rivers if you removed his brain and replaced it with Jello and bong resin:

Here's a picture I happened to find of the biggest douchebag on Earth:

Looks familiar...

In closing, I hate the Chargers. Go Raiders?

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!

(Passes out)

NFL Playoff Picks: Round 1

The regular NFL season is over. Playoffs, bitches! Tom Brady? Sitting at home. Although he didn't play this year, so he'd probably be sitting at home either way. Then again, if he wasn't hurt, maybe the Patriots would not be sitting at home. My head hurts. Beer please?

Anywho, we've got Sad Tom Brady to come and do some predictions for us. Leave your picks in the comments and see how you do stacked up against an authentic NFL Superstar! Whoever picks the most games correctly wins a free copy of Step Up 2 The Streets!

Atlanta at Arizona

I really don't know either of these teams. From what my people tell me, Arizona is full of old people. Atlanta is full of rappers, hot young women and Ted Turner. Now that I'm engaged, I need to tone down the booty-lovin' some. Since Gisele might be reading this, I'm going to go with the Cardinals over the Falcons.

Indianapolis at San Diego

You know who I can't stand? Phillip Rivers! What a punk! If he was my kid, I'd...ignore him, like I do with my current son. I have a kid? Could've fooled you, right? Anyway, I'll take Indy over the Chargers.

Baltimore at Miami

If I don't pick the Ravens, Ray Lewis may find me and kill me. If I don't pick Miami, Joey Porter will feed me to his dogs! What's a super-awesome, handsome, suave, pimptastic dude like me supposed to do? I'll take the Ravens to win. Ray Lewis has actually killed a man and gotten away with it.

Philadelphia at Minnesota

Who would ever take a team with one of the Jackson 5 at quarterback? That guy has to be in his 40's by now! What? Of course I know what I'm talking about! It's Michael, Tito, Jermaine, Tavaris and Samuel L. I'm taking Philly over the Vikes.

NFL Picks Week 17

The NFL regular season is mercifully coming to a close. Thank god. I'm pretty tired of dealing with these celebrities. Dickweeds. All of them. Except Jesus, he seemed OK. The worst was Sarah Palin though. She took us for $40,000 worth of Hickory Farms gift baskets and tried to rename the official Pomp Culture dog "Lock Pepper". The dog's actual name is Bob. Kanye West is picking games this week, but has deemed our blog too small to offer up any commentary. I can assure you though, Peyton Manning is still a douche and George Bush doesn't care about black people.

St. Louis at Atlanta
Carolina at New Orleans
New England at Buffalo
Kansas City at Cincinnati
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Detroit at Green Bay
Oakland at Tampa Bay
Chicago at Houston
Tennessee at Indianapolis
NY Giants at Minnesota
Jacksonville at Baltimore
Miami at NY Jets
Dallas at Philadelphia
Seattle at Arizona
Washington at San Francisco
Denver at San Diego