Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

June 15th - June 21st

Wet Fart of the Week: Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez - A-Rod and his .213 average were benched for consecutive games citing 'fatigue' (see: steroid withdrawal) from his prior injury. Then manager Joe Girardi, who really needs to let that hair grow out a little bit, announced that Madonna's cougar hunter would be given at least one day off every week leading up the All Star Break. Maybe now Alex will finally have the time to take in Rock of Ages or Shrek the Musical and catch up on some light reading.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Kevin Slowey, Twins - To the common man the Minnesota Twins rotation appears to be a giant mass of indistinguishable white guy, with a side of Liriano. Yet savvy players know that Kevin Slowey is the one that you want. He's off to a 10-2 start this year with an ERA and WHIP that are likely to go down as well, based on his aversion to walks, which is as exaggerated as The Hundley's aversion to foreigners.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Crash Davis, Rangers - Davis was consistently rated amongst the Top 10 1B in the game this preseason, his hype even exceeding fellow teammate Nelson Cruz. While Cruz has proven to be the real deal, Chris Davis has been one of the biggest disappointments of the year so far, striking out 101 times in 222 at bats and failing to even reach the Mendoza Line (.194). With blue chipper Justin Smoak looming on the horizon for the Rangers, Davis has to be sweating like Marlon Brando at a Ryan's Steakhouse.

Zorba the Ray: Ben Zobrist - Zobrist seems to have a cult following that can only be described as both 'extremely sexual' and 'painfully disconcerting', but to be fair, he's earned it. With 15 donkey slaps, 42 RBI and a 1.044 OPS in only 191 ABs, while playing nearly every position on the diamond, Zobrist has become Mark DeRosa 2.0. Zorilla has still got a ways to go before he catches DeRosa in the groupie category, but he's still young and virile.

They Call Him The Machine. The Steroid Vending Machine: Albert Pujols, Cardinals - Sure, it's all heresy and speculation (get used to it, that's the era we live in), but I'd love for a Cardinals fan to make a convincing argument to me that Albert Pujols is not on roids. Is it fair for me to assume such a thing without evidence? Oh God no. But for years everyone knew that Sammy was juicing, even before the recent evidence came to light. I mean look at the guy. Look at his numbers. Unreal. Of course, I hate the Cardinals and Pujols with every scrawny, underdeveloped bone in my body, but still...some guys you just know. In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty, but in this era of abusers, when you look like this and hit like this, it's pretty much the other way around, fair or not.

Rockies in 6! Colorado Rockies - Somebody break up the Rockies! Under new manager Jim Tracy, the God Squad have reeled off 16 wins in their last 17 games, which included a streak of 11 games in a row, thrusting themselves (not in a sexual way mind you) right back into the playoff picture. Let by the hitting of the incorrigible Clint Barmes and the rejuvenated goatee of Todd Helton, the Rockies have taken a small portion of Northern Colorado (the bored section) by storm. Even Jason Marquis hasn't been exempt from God's fairy dust, racking up 9 wins despite being Jewish. Expect this surge to be relatively short lived though, because as we've seen with the Cubs, karma catches up to those who deny the fate of Thunder Matt Murton.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Nate McLouth, Braves - .417 OBP, 2HR, 7RBI
Andrew McCutchen, Pirates - 10/29, 3 3B, 6 RBI
Albert Pujols, Cardinals - .522 OBP, 4HR, 11 RBI
Prince Fielder, Brewers - 9/23, 2HR, 11 RBI
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers - 11/24, 3HR, 9R
Juan Rivera, Angels - 8/23, 2 HR, 5 RBI
Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers - 12.2 IP, 13K, 0.00 ERA
Felix Hernandez, Mairners - 16.1IP, 14K, .086 WHIP
Derek Lee, Cubs - 8/22, 4 HR, 9 RBI

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Ryan Madson, Phillies- 3IP, 2 BS, 15.00 ERA
Kerry Wood, Indians - 11.57 ERA, 2.17 WHIP, Cubs MVP
Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals- 4/28, OHR, 1 RBI
Stephen Drew, Diamondbacks - .148 OBP, OHR, 0SB
Trevor Hoffman, Dodgers - 10.80 ERA, 0K, 2.40 WHIP
Chris Davis, Rangers - 1/20, .050 OBP, more strikeouts than Dave Thomas on a Friday night

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

May 18th - 24th

Wet Fart of the Week: The Chicago Cubs - Worst road trip ever. The Cubs drop 6 on the road. The blame lies solely on the limp-wristed offense who only mustered up a measly 5 runs in that 6 game span. Perhaps they're not breathing out of their eyelids appropriately.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Clayton Richard, White Sox - Those that have been patient were rewarded this past week. Richard finally got his chance in the starting rotation and certainly did not disappoint. In his first two starts, Clay Dick has struck out 11 in 13 IP with only 1 earned run. He currently is 0% owned in Yahoo leagues so my guess is you didn't have him.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Ryan Theriot, Cubs - After all the stud shortstops were gone in the draft, managers then reached for The Riot as a cheap means for AVG and SB. Then the little guy started hitting home runs and folks got even more excited, including Theriot himself. With his new found power, The Riot began calling his shots in batting practice and swinging for the fences in games. After going 2/24 this week with 0 R, 0 RBI, and of course 0 HR, it's obvious his power stroke was fleeting. Looks like the Cubs will have to rely on Aaron Miles for run support instead.

Signs that May is finally arrived: Kosuke Fukudome - Much like lilacs blooming, the Kentucky Derby and Preakness, and Brett Favre flirting with comebacks, Kosuke Fukudome's failings at the plate are a sure sign that it is officially May. Kosuke went 2-16 this past week, but at least one-upped Theriot by actually driving in 1 run.

There's No Place Like Home: Chris Young, Padres - If it were possible, Bud Black should really consider messing with the rotation so that Chris Young only pitches games at Petco. Never have I seen a pitcher with such glaring differences in their home/away splits. At home this season, Chris is 4-0 with 28 strikeouts, 9 walks and a 2.25 ERA. On the road, he's 0-2 with 16 strikeous, 16 walks and a Dan Napientek-esque 8.03 ERA. Naturally I blame Joel Southern.

AIDS of the Throwing Arm: Ricky Nolasco, Marlins - At one point considered to be the possible ace of a young fireballing Marlins rotation. Now he's in AAA New Orleans. Fantasy owners that couldn't dump him in a trade a few weeks ago are now stuck with either letting him rot on their bench, or finally taking him back behind the fantasy shed and putting him out of his misery. Do what you think is most humane.

Freddy Sanchez Award: Jason Bartlett, Rays - To the guy that is currently making a run at the batting title while everyone says, "Where the fuck did he come from?" Astute fantasy owners knew of the shortstop Bartlett for a cheap source of stolen bases, but I don't think anyone expected this kind of offensive output thus far. Bartlett currently leads the AL with a .373 AVG, he has 14 steals already and his 7 home runs are already a career high for him. With 30 RBI on the season, he's 7 away from matching his 2008 total.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Mark Reynolds, Dbacks - 10/28, 4HR, 9RBI, 6SB
Joe Mauer, Twins - 11/24, 4HR, 13RBI
Michael Cuddyer, Twins - 13/29, 4HR, 12RBI
Mark Teixeira, Yankees - 12/27, 5HR, 10RBI
Jason Marquis, Rockies - 2W, 1.72ERA, defying logic and reason
Jonathan Broxton, Dodgers - 2 more saves, stud fees still going up
Jake Peavy, Padres - 6IP, 10K, 1 giant FU to the White Sox
Heath Bell, Padres - 3 saves, still hates ESPN

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

The entire Cubs offense - 1 sad trombone
Chris Davis, Rangers - 1/19, 64 strikeouts already on the season
Pudge Rodriguez, Astros - 2/18, in danger of dropping career AVG below .300, retire already!
Francisco Liriano, Twins - 4IP, 7 ER, 3BB, 1K
Manny Parra, Brewers - 3.1IP, 21.60 ERA
Jorge de la Rosa, Rockies - 3.2IP, 7 ER, 5 BB, 1K

Fernando's Musings from the Taqueria

Week Ending 5/3

Wet Fart of the Week: Cleveland Indians - Everyone's perennial sleeper picker in the AL Central (think Arizona Cardinals, but without the payoff), the Indians have once again gotten off to a tough start at 9-16, good for last place in a division that is more mediocre than a post/9-11 U2 studio album. The hitting is there, but after Cliff Lee, the pitching is a real travesty. Any time you have Carl Pavano on the payroll (as a #3 starter none-the-less), you can't expect to be taken seriously.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Raul Ibanez, Phillies - Not so much a sleeper as he is just criminally overlooked and underrated, Ibanez is finally getting some ink now that he's out of Seattle and driving in runs in Philly, where people actually pay attention. He's no spring chicken, but with 8HR, 21 R, 21 RBI and even 3SB so far, who cares how old he is? He puts up numbers year in and year out and with half of his games in Citizens Bank Park instead of Safeco, expect a solid uptick across the board.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Oliver Perez, Mets - The talented yet maddeningly inconsistent NY lefty has finally shed the 'high risk/high reward label' that has followed him for years. Alas, the new label seems to be 'high risk/no reward'. In years past, you could at least count on him to sprinkle in a few gems to go along with his burrito farts. This year, with his unsightly 9.96 ERA and a 20BB:21K ratio, he's been the baseball equivalent of the Swine Flu. Time for a change of underpants Ollie.

I Just Drafted Brandon Inge: Brandon Inge, Tigers - A few months back, Chip Wesley's Gmail accidentally sent all of the TMS bartenders the message "I just drafted Brandon Inge" multiple times. Suffice it to say, we beat this "you had to be there" joke into the ground like only we can. Well, Mr. Inge appears to have gotten the last laugh on all of us (and Gmail) so far this year. 7 HR, 18 RBI and 19 R for this catcher/3B. 7 HR, 18 RBI and 19 R for this catcher/3B.

Running With the Devil: Dexter Fowler and Carl Crawford - Taking exception to me calling the stolen base a lost art in last week's column, young buck Dexter Fowler of the Colorado God Squad went out and stole 5 bases to start off the week. Not to be outdone, Carl Crawford of the Devil Rays gave Dexter a bit of rookie hazing by upping the ante with 6 stolen bases on Sunday. Devil 1, God 0. Today, I lament the lost art of throwing out baserunners.

The Best Ian at His Craft Since Ziering: Ian Kinsler, Rangers - Ian Kinsler doesn't give a S-H-I-T. In a lineup filled with bomb hitting Chippendales (Kinsler, Young, Hamilton, Cruz, and C. Davis would make quite the bare-chested troupe!), Kinsler has the biggest package of them all. 9 HR, 25 RBI and 7 SB? Also while you were reading this, he just had sex with your spouse and pleasured her more than you ever will.

Enjoy It While It Lasts - Blue Jays, Royals, Mariners - Those 3 teams, and not the Red Sox, Twins or Angels are leading their respective divisions right now. While we applaud all three teams on their improved play and gutty performances, we don't expect any of them to keep up the pace. We applaud their courage and extend a hearty handshake and some small parting gifts, which include a 'I Was Ast-Raped in 88' t-shirt and one of Tommy Buzanis' old phone cards that still has like 6 minutes left on it.

Zack, Zack, He's a Shutout Maniac - Zack Greinke, Royals - 36 IP and only 2 ER for this quiet cat. Dating back to last year, he went 38 IP without giving up a run and that streak was finally broken when he gave up an unearned run. His performance has doubtlessly earned him plenty of clubhouse noogies and "atta boys".

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Dan Haren, Diamondbacks - 2 W, 21 K, 1.59 ERA
Justin Verlandar, Tigers - 2 W, 20K, 0.64 ERA
Mike Fontenot, Cubs - 3HR, 7RBI, 1SB
Johnny Cueto, Reds - 15IP, 1W, 0.60 ERA
Evan Longoria, Rays - 2HR, 14RBI, 9R
Trevor Hoffman, Brewers - 3SV, 0.00 ERA, 5K
Brian Wilson, Giants - 3SV, 7K, 1.93 ERA
Jose Guillen, Royals - 3HR, 10RBI, .500 AVG
Jorge Cantu, Marlins - 4HR, 14RBI, .433 OBP

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Jose Reyes, Mets - 1/21, 1R, 1RBI
Mark Teixeria, Yankees - 2/22, 0HR, 0RBI
Travis Snider, Blue Jays - 2/23, 1R, 1RBI
Nationals Bullpen - Swine Flu + that disease from 28 Days Later
Dan Uggla, Marlins - 3/20, OHR, OR
Carlos Marmol, Cubs- 3.1IP, 13.50 ERA, 3.00 WHIP
Rich Harden, Cubs - 3.2IP, 6H, 4BB, 5ER
Ryan Ludwick, Cardinals - 2/19, 2RBI, .150 OBP
Ty Wigginton, Astros - 2/17, OR, 2RBI

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

Week Ending 4/26

Wet Fart of the Week: Chien-Ming Wang - Avert your eyes if you're pregnant or have a heart condition. 3 starts, 0-3 record, 6IP, 23R, 34.50 ERA, 2K, 1 bad batch of sushi. In 2 of this 3 starts he didn't even make it out of the second inning! Now he's on the DL with a "hip ailment". Yikes. There goes my Asian fetish.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Andre Ethier, Dodgers - Often times overshadowed by fellow fantasy man-crush material Matt Kemp, not to mention that Manuel Ramirez guy, Ethier has done everything possible on the field to win the heart (and something else) of Alyssa Milano. 5 HR, 20RBI, a .439 OBP and still no Sportscenter love.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Chris Iannetta, Rockies - This poor man's Matt Wieters seemed to have all the pieces in place to break out. Prospect pedigree, half of his games at Coors, a solid second half last year and a few eye opening games in the WBC. Alas, thus far he's been more JR Towles than Matt Wieters, sporting an ugly .128 AVG and 5 RBI. A solid buy low candidate, as the Rockies have played most of their games on the road thus far.

Underrated: Stealing Home - I of course refer to the most exciting play in baseball, as performed by Jacoby Ellsbury with the bases loaded vs. the Yankees on Sunday night, and not the Mark Harmon/Blair Brown baseball romance which failed to capture the heart of America. Mark Harmon, you are no Kevin Costner.

No Perry Farrell, We Will Not Be Caught Stealing: Nyjer Morgan, Josh Anderson, Endy Chavez - The stolen base is a lost art in real baseball and a hot commodity in fantasy baseball. While the higher profile guys like Jacoby Ellsbury, Ian Kinsler, Bobby Abreu (8 already for the increasingly portly old man!) and Carl Crawford are all doing their thing, the leader board also sports names like Flyin' Nyjer Morgan (6), Josh 'The Anvil' Anderson (6) and Endy 'Hugo' Chavez (5). And lest you consider them all one-category wonders, they are all batting over .300 with at least 8 runs scored. Juan Pierre, we hardly knew ye.

At the bottom of my gut, with every inch of me, I plain, straight hate you. But dammit, do I respect you! Albert Pujols - Are you kidding me with guy? No seriously. 20 R, 7 HR, 25 RBI, 1.178 OPS. I just...(blood pressure rising, getting flustered, at a loss for answers)...steroids!

Break Up the...Pirates? - Could this be the year they break sports longest losing streak? 11-7 with great pitching from the likes of Ross Ohlendorf and Zach Duke. Mauling guys like Jake Peavy and Ricky Nolasco without Ryan Doumit and Nate McLouth. Getting clutch play from both LaRoche brothers. It's a start, but I wouldn't sell those pre-season Steelers tickets just yet Pittsburgh fans.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Adam LaRoche, Pirates - 9/22, 2HR, 8RBI
Kurt Suzuki, A's - 8/15, 1 HR, 7RBI
Rich Harden, Cubs - 2 W, 17 K, 0.92 WHIP
Albert Pujols, Cardinals - 3HR, 11RBI, 3SB
Ryan Franklin's Goatee, Cardinals - 3SV, 0.00 ERA, 3K
Shane Victorino, Phillies - 5R, 9RBI, 1SB
Torii Hunter, Angels - 3HR, 8R, 6RBI
Jordan Zimmerman, Nationals: 2 W, 8K, 2.38 ERA

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Matt Lindstrom, Marlins- 2/3 IP, 7R, 94.50 ERA
Johnny Peralta, Indians- 1/18, OR, 1RBI
Edwin Encarnacion, Reds- 3/27, OHR, OR
BJ Ryan, Blue Jays- 1IP, 3R, 1BS, Black Lung
Oliver Perez, Mets - 11.00 ERA, Bad breath, Toxic
Adrian Beltre, Mariners - 3/24, 0HR, 3RBI
AJ Burnett vs. Josh Beckett - 5IP, 8ER each

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

Opening Week

Wet Fart of the Week: The Washington Nationals - Nobody expected this group of Senators and Congressmen from our nation's capital to be any good, but it looks like they may be epically, historically bad. Like, Senator Larry Craig bad. 0-6 with an angry Elijah Dukes spells trouble. Actually that spells 'murder u bitch'.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Adam Lind, Blue Jays - I had both him and Travis Snider on my fantasy draft cheat sheets, but since I couldn't tell them apart, I just wrote Travis Snider/Adam Lind/Adam Snider? I ended up drafting neither. After hitting 3 HR and driving in 12 runs Opening Week, my best guess is that Lind is the good one.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Joltin' Jed Lowrie, Red Sox - Because of the name on the front of his jersey, he became a trendy late sleeper. Alas, he never woke up, going 1-18 with a bunch of zeroes. By making the surly and surely drunk Boston fans pine for the days of Julio Lugo, he has surely put the well-being of his family at risk. His wife's name is Shirley*.

Not Even Jesus Would Have Caught That Part II: Reed Johnson - Last year in this column we detailed the glove exploits of Reed 'The Pride of Riverside' Johnson. Last night, he did it again, providing the catch of year while robbing Cecil Fielder's fat son of a grand salami. Watch it here on YouTube before it gets pulled. NSFW, as it will probably make you start jacking off.

Not Since St. Elmo's Fire Has an Emilio Taken the World By Storm Like This: Emilio Bonafacio, Marlins - This foreign sparkplug lit the baseball world on fire Opening Week to the tune of a .500 AVG, 9R and 4SB. Part Tuffy Rhodes, part youthful Omar Vizquel, and part cyborg, look for Emilio to eventually cool off, but not before he passes Estevez in fame, stature and women banged.

Rotation Most Likely to Have Sex With Your Mother While Working as Her Poolboy: Florida Marlins - These guys hold the keys to the NL East. Ricky Nolasco's stuff makes Cubs fans weep at what could have been. Josh Johnson recalled the Janet Jackson ditty "Nasty" last week, with a complete game 5 hitter to his credit. Chris Volstad is a stud in the making, Anibal Sanchez is only a year removed from his great rookie season (remember that no-hitter?) and Andrew Miller reeks of post-hype sleeper. If they all hold up, we could be looking at this year's Rays.

Sophomore Slumbuster: Evan Longoria, Rays - 5 donkey punches and 10 RBI. The David Wright-3B-Mancrush Torch may have officially been passed.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Nick Swisher, Yankees - 8/17, 2HR, 9RBI
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers - .586 OBP, 3 HR, 10RBI
Chone Figgins, Angels - .500 OBP, 7R, 5SB
Kyle Lohse, Cardinals - 2W, 1.12 ERA, 0.56 WHIP
Johan Santana, Mets - 1W, 20K, 0.71 ERA
Josh Johnson, Marlins - 2W, CG, 0.57 ERA
Heath Bell, Padres - 3SV, 0.00 ERA, 1.12 WHIP
Ryan Theriot, Cubs: .550 AVG, 4R, 2SB

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Jason Kendall, Brewers- 0-15, 1RBI, 1R
Tim Lincecum, Giants- 0W, 7.56 ERA, 2.40 WHIP
Brandon Webb, D-Backs- 13.50 ERA, DL Stint
Cole Hamels, Phillies- 17.18 ERA, 3.27 WHIP, 0 W
Jimmy Rollins, Phillies- .107 AVG, 1RBI, 0SB
Derek Lee, Cubs- 2-25, 1R, 4RBI
Lastings Milledge, Nationals- .158 AVG, 1R, 0RBI

*Rampant speculation

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week 7

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Siete

Wet Fart of the Week: The San Diego Padres - Mark Prior gets hurt. Wait, how can somehow who's already hurt get more hurt? Oh, leave it to our towel (and salad) tossing, USC-edumacated white boy to find a way. Then their one ray of hope, Jacob Peavy, goes down with 'elbow troubles'. Time to officially wave the white flag. Or white towel if you will. Just trade Mad Dog now. Let that caged bird fly.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Josh Hamilton, Rangers - While his hunting buddy across the pond (huh?) in Houston, Lance-in-the-Pants Berkman gets all the sexy headlines and John Kruk reach-arounds, it's Hammy that quietly leads the majors with 50 RBI to go along with 11 HR and the responsibility of carrying the pitching thin Rangers on his broad, tattooed shoulders. Everybody kinda figured he'd be good, but this good? One could reasonably call his numbers 'prodigious'.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Nick Swisher, White Sox: This goateed son of a bitch has found himself firmly entrenched on many a fantasy bench, as owners wait for him to stop laying pipe and start laying wood. Ozzie Guillen inexplicably batted him leadoff for the longest time, which seems to be more than a tad ricockulous. There's still hope for him once the Chicago weather turns more Oakland-esque this summer. Aside from Carlos Quentin, the entire White Sox lineup is hitting about as well as my gay cousin. (Note: My cousin's poor hitting has nothing to do with him being gay.)

Finally, the Gods Have Answered Our Prayers: An all Florida World Series: The Marlins vs. The Devil Rays - Unfortunately, for viewers outside of the Sunshine State, you'll have to watch the series online, as Fox has opted to not broadcast it, instead opting for reruns of 'King of the Hill' and 'America's Dancing Midgets: Oh No They F*&%ing Didn't!'

OMG! Chipper Might Hit .400! Berkman Might Win Triple Crown! LOL! No. Just stop. It's May. I know that you're desperate for stories until football mini-camps start, but please. Check back in August.

Did You Know? Ted Lilly allegedly doesn't wear his wedding band when he goes to bars. Sssssscandalous.

Give These Guys A Greasy Taco:

David Murphy, Rangers: .414 AVG, 2 HR, 7 RBI
Carlos Quentin, White Sox: .381 AVG, 2 HR, 1 SB
Jayson Werth, Phillies: .348 AVG, 3 HR, 12 RBI
Clint Barmes, Rockies: .462 AVG, 2 HR, 1 SB
Todd Wellmeyer, Cardinals: 2 W, 2.08 ERA, HUH
Albert Pujols, Cardinals: .433 AVG, 4 HR, UGH
Jose Guillen, Royals: .407 13 RBI, Not Accused Of Murder

Give These Guys a Taco Filled With Cilantro:

Alex Rios, Blue Jays: 4/26, ORBI, OSB
Kenny Rogers, Singer: 15.75 ERA, Bad Temper
Melky Cabrera, Yankees: Not Miguel
Andrew Jones, Dodgers: Torn Knee Cartilage. Bruised Ego.
Vlad Guerrero, Angels: .174 AVG, 2 RBI, Getting Fat
Chip Wesley, TMS: Poured a beer on my head

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week Six

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Seis

Wet Fart of the Week: Closers - Ah, the fickle life of a Major League closer. One day you're the toast of the town, surrounded by hookers, blow and freshly inked headlines singing your praises. The next day, you're Eric Gagne. The most overrated, volatile position in the game saw it's world come crashing down last week. Jason Isringhausen demotes himself. Eric Gagne gets demoted and takes it out on Old Country Buffet. Jonathan Papelbon blows two saves (and 3 guys). Joe Nathan and Bobby Jenks' goatee both give up a few runs. This is mere speculation, but one has to imagine there is some sort of correlation between closers and the recent rash of natural disasters that are cropping up.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Ryan Church, Mets - If not for Nate McLouth, who everyone likes to pretend was their sleeper pick from the get-go (when in fact, let the record show that, I, Chaim Witz, had them all scooped), the trendy pick-up everyone would be talking about is Church, probably the least glamorous name out of all of the outfielders in the Big Apple. A .321 AVG, 7HR, 26RBI and 28R have opened some eyes, but he still seems to be flying under the radar. Probably because the last time this guy was a legitimate sleeper was a solid 2 or 3 years ago. Next thing you know, Brad Wilkerson will find God and his power stroke.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Corey Patterson, Reds - Some people figured that given Dusty's track record of blinding loyalty, coupled with loads of unreached potential, that Patterson would make for a nice breakout candidate and cheap source of speed. Cubs fans knew otherwise, and Patterson's .196 AVG has none nothing to prove us wrong.

Kevin Millar Called. He'd Like You To Taper Off Your Production: Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox - Remember back in 04', when that goateed prankster Kevin Millar nicknamed his Red Sox teammates The Idiots or The Retards or something like that? Then, a year or two later, Millar for some reason started going by the name 'Kevin Youkilis'. An odd alias, to be sure. For a few years, no one noticed. But now, this Youkilis character is putting up numbers that are not very Millar-esque. 8 HR, 30 RBI and a .322 AVG. Where have you gone Kevin Millar?

Maple Works For Syrup, Not Bats: Lots of discussion recently about how all these new finagled maple bats (as opposed to the more durable ash bats) are breaking more often than my fragile psyche. I will say, it does seem like we're seeing more splintered bats lately. Can you remember the last Reed Johnson at-bat where his bat didn't break? I certainly can't. God no. It's all fun and games until someone gets Steve Irwined by a stray shard of wood. I will say this. Maple bats? Big time deterrent against corking your bat.

The Puppy Love Phase Is Over: Rookie Phenoms - Be wary of the hype young grasshopper. Johnny Cueto has turned into Johnny Uh-Oh. Brian Bannister, the young Greg Maddux, has been as inconsistent as the old Greg Maddux. Evan Longoria will soon here the 'Eva' chants if his batting average keeps hovering around .211. Yovani Gallardo out for the year, sending Wisconsin into a beer and cheese induced coma. Jiminez and Morales in Colorado have been about as successful as Clear Pepsi. Mad Max Scherzer had a hiccup in Philly before rebounding against the Cubs (natch). All of these young guys will probably be fine, but they won't be without their growing pains. And I ain't talking about the show with Kirk Cameron and some guy named Boner.

Give These Guys A Greasy Taco:

Ryan Dempster, Cubs: 12 IP, 14 K, 1.50 ERA
Lance Berkman, Astros: 15/22 (!), 10 R, 2 SB, Back from Huntin'
Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox: 5 HR, 10 RBI, .375 AVG
Milton Bradley, Rangers: 2 HR, 8 RBI, 6 R
Emil Brown, A's: .333 AVG, 7 RBI, Annonomyous
Mike Lowell, Red Sox: .406 AVG, 3 HR, 9 RBI
Hunter Pence, Astros: .379 AVG, 5 RBI, 3 SB
Carlos Zambrano, Cubs: 1-0, 0.00 ERA, 0.75 WHIP

Give These Guys a Taco Filled With Cilantro:

Edgar Renteria, Red Sox: 0/18, 1 R, 0 RBI
Mike Cameron, Brewers: 1/20, 0 R, 1 RBI, HGH
Bill Hall, Brewers: 1/21, 0 HR, 0 RBI
John Smoltz, Braves: Presumed Deceased
Rich Harden, A's: 3.2 IP, 3.27 WHIP, 12.27 ERA
Gary Matthews Jr, Angels: .111AVG, 0RBI, 0R
Curtis Granderson, Tigers: 3/24, 0R, 0HR

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week 4

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Cuatro

Wet Fart of the Week: Barry Zito, Giants - Oh how the mighty have fallen. It seems like only a couple of years ago that I was reading yet another fluff piece in ESPN The Magazine about how you loved to surf and woo women. You cradled your acoustic guitar in your arms like it was your first born child and the look in your eyes told the world that you, not them, were going home to Alyssa Milano. Wait, that was only a couple of years ago. One huge contract ($126 mil for those bean-counters at home) and countless Alyssa Milano boyfriends later, and there you sit, 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA, pulling splinters out of your ass in the Giants pen. Take heart young Zito. My wife still thinks you're cute.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Felix Hernandez, Mariners - After showing flashes of brilliance his first two seasons, King Felix looks like he will finally live up to the massive hype that accompanied his arrival. Stud pitchers always take a bit longer to develop than their maple and ash swinging counterparts, and it was no different with Felix. With 2 wins, a 2.22 ERA and 41 K's, it looks like Hernandez, not Bedard may be the most significant starter in the land of grunge rock and Starbucks.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Scott Hairston, Padres - After hitting some huge clutch homers late in the season last year and a guaranteeing himself a spot in the Padres outfield, this was to be the year that Hairston broke out. After a quick start, he stumbled out of the gate, and his .184 average landed him on the bench in favor of Paul McAnulty. Who? The Anul Bandit of course.

Not Even Jesus Would Have Caught That: Reed Johnson, Cubs - Best. Catch. Ever. The Pride of Riverside, soiling pants across the Midwest and greater DC area. Watch the dick in the dirt action here.

Better Than a Double Bill of Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too: Pat Burrell and Chase Utley, Phillies - The two hottest hitters in baseball and they play for the same team. Chase Utley sports a .359 BA, 10 dongs and strong enough sperm to impregnate your grandmother. Pat Burrell goes up there and literally swings a tree trunk. This tree trunk has produced 8 donkey punches and a .349 BA. It's Mike Schmidt/Juan Samuel 2.0

Barry Zito, This is Your Life: Matt Morris, Pirates - After inexplicably trading for Matt Morris last year and taking on his $10M salary (highest paid Pirate ever!), the Bucs finally cut their losses after Matty got off to a dubious start. 0-4, 9.67 ERA and only 9K's. Hmmm...didn't his career start to go downhill with the Giants at around age 30 too? (Ominous Music. Perhaps the 'Unsolved Mysteries' theme song)

Give These Guys A Greasy Taco:

Carl Crawford, Rays: .407 AVG, 6R, 4SB

Lance Berkman, Astros: 4HR, 12RBI, .455 AVG
James Shields, Rays: 2-0, 12K, 1.12 ERA
Jason Werth, Phillies: .323 AVG, 4HR, 9R
Carlos Zambrano, Cubs: 2-0, 0.64 ERA, 1.14 WHIP
Paul Maholm, Pirates: 2-0,1.20 ERA, 0.73 WHIP
Evan Longoria, Rays: .333 AVG, 2HR, 2SB
John Lannan, Nats: 2-0, 0.00 ERA, 1.14 WHIP

Give These Guys a Taco Filled With Cilantro:

Francisco Liriano, Twins: 2/3 IP, 81.00 ERA, Red Roof Inn
Gil Meche, Royals: 10 IP, 9.90 ERA, 2.00 WHIP
David Wright, Mets: 3/25, 0HR, 2RBI
Bronson Arroyo, Reds: 3 2/3 IP, 8ER, 3.00 WHIP
Roger Clemens: Alleged Wandering Weiner
Vernon Wells, Blue Jays: .167 AVG, 2RBI, 0SB
Chode Figgins, Angels: 4/26, 1R, 0SB

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week 3

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Tres

Wet Fart of the Week: Frank Thomas, Blue Jays - The Blue Jays hastily parted ways with the Big Hurt after he got off to his traditionally slow start, batting just .167, albeit with 11 RBI thus far. Gotta open up playing time for that Matt Stairs kid. Frank still seems to have a little left in the tank, and unlike Barry Bonds, isn't a team cancer, so he'll likely end up somewhere else shortly. I would expect Tampa Bay would be a good fit, as that seems to be the place where past-their-prime sluggers go to fade off into oblivion, but not before padding their stats a little.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Joe Crede, White Sox - A month ago, if we were discussing the sleeper 3B candidate for the South Siders, we would have been referring to Josh Fields. Who knew that Joltin' Joe Crede was actually the real sleeper in the equation? Early Spring rumors had his bags all but packed for baseball purgatory (San Francisco), but with 5 HR, 18 RBI and a .305 AVG he may want to rethink taking up Omar Vizquel on his offer to 'show you all of San Francisco's sordid bath houses, brothels and underground hippie communes.'

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Yankees young hurlers - Ian Kennedy is pitching more like Ian Ziering. Joba Chamberlain went to be with his sick dad and missed the whole week. Phil Hughes won't bend the bill of his hat, and has thus suffered the same slow start as another reputed straight-billed starter, CC Sabathia. Maybe they should have traded a couple of these guys for that Santana guy after all. Where's Hideki Irabu when you need him?

Yep, I Gave Em AIDS: Ben Sheets and Rich Harden, Brewers and A's - No sooner do I laud them for their fast starts in Week 1's recap, does Harden go on the DL with shoulder woes and Sheets get a start pushed back to due to triceps trouble. Better that than 'chronic fatigue' I suppose.

You're a Shame to Your Family, Your Team and More Importantly, Jesse Orosco: The Pirates lefthanded starters - Tom Gorzelanny, Paul Maholm and Zach Duke gave new meaning (and not a good one) to the phrase 'soft tossing lefties'. Duke failed to strike out one batter in 10IP this week, Gorzelanny hasn't made it out of the 3rd inning in his two starts against the Cubs and Maholm has been more hittable than Bret Myers' wife. Apparently there's some Pirate disease where their lefties show tremendous potential as rookies and then suck horribly from there on out. The only cure? Trade them for Roberto Hernandez. See Perez, Oliver.

Derek Jeter, You and Your Weird Fade Haircut are No Longer The Apple Of NY's Eye: David Wright, Mets - This guy is amazing. He hits, he runs, he plays defense, his grooming habits are impeccable and I'm told he makes sweet love like a young Frankie Sinatra. Is there anything this guy can't do? (Wait...we're being told that he's merely average at Pictionary. So there you have it.)

Shhh...We've Secretly Replaced Their Wooden Bats With Big, Red Wiffle Bats: LA Dodgers - I haven't seen this kind of ineptitude at the plate since the Deadball era. I suppose when you lock up Nomar, Juan Pierre and Andruw Jones, you reap what you sow. Their leading hitter this year? Yep, Alyssa Milano.

Triumphant Return of the Week: Matt Murton, Cubs - Who else but the prodigal son? He's a bit rusty (staub), as evidenced by his 1-6 showing on Sunday, but that's to be expected from this ginger batsmith. He did get a swinging bunt and drove in two runs on RBI groundouts, which were admittedly, the most exciting RBI groundouts ever. A few more games and Thunder should be back to his usual Ruthian ways, hitting dongs onto Waveland and autographing the unformed heads of babies.

Ok, So Maybe It Was a Good Signing: Reed Johnson, Cubs - We were the first to criticize the Pride of Riverside, Reed Johnson, but admittedly most of that was merely bitterness stemming from the mistreatment of Red Jesus, Thunder Matt. But given Felix Pie's level of unforeseen sucktitude, this Reed Johnson kid has proved to be a breath of fresh air. So far, he hasn't looked merely 'passable until we make a trade', but instead, legitimately 'good'. I'm still not sold on that landing strip he's got on his chin, but with each passing day he's winning me over with his wiles and charm. Reed, will you continue to stay in this house and rock my world?

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco

Chase Utley, Phillies: .391, 5HR, 8RBI

David Wright, Mets: 12/23, 9RBI, 1SB

Nate McLouth, Pirates: 2 HR, 5 RBI, 18 gm hitting streak (season)

Mark DeRosa, Cubs: .421 AVG, 8RBI, 1SB

Manny Ramirez, Red Sox: 10/24, 4HR, 8RBI

Ervin Santana, Angels: 2-0, 14K, 1BB

Cliff Lee, Indians: 1-0, 8K, 0.40 ERA (season)

Give These Guys a Taco Filled With Cilantro:

Ryan Howard, Phillies: .174 AVG, 10K, 0SB

Alfonso Soriano, Cubs: Hurt doing the 'hop'. Idiot.

Jason Giambi, Yankees: 2/18, 0HR, 2RBI

CC "Don't Call Me DeVille" Sabathia, Indians: 4IP, 9ER, 1K, 200LDL

Jose Valverde, Astros: BS, 6ER, 19.29ERA, ADD

Matt Cain, Giants: 3.2 IP, 9ER, 2HR

Justin Verlander, Tigers: 0-1, 2.20 WHIP, 1K

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week 2

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Dos

Wet Fart of the Week: The Washington Nationals - So much for breaking up the Nats. After winning their first three, they looked positively National-esque by losing their next nine, including getting swept by the Marlins. I blame the hasty completion of their new, overly green ballpark.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Brian Bannister, Royals - He's drawing comparisons to a young Greg Maddux. But can he fart like him? Either way, his 3-0 record and 0.86 ERA would make Mad Dog proud.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Francisco Liriano, Twins - He's drawn comparisons to a young Johan Santana. On Sunday, he looked more like an old Shawn Estes. It might take him a while to get his mojo back.

Best Beard: Nick Swisher, White Sox - And by best, I mean worst. Look at this thing. The thing is, Swisher doesn't give a shit. He'll still sleep with your girlfriend, drink OJ straight out of the container and eat the rest of your cereal.

The Black Cal and Billy Ripken: Justin and BJ Upton, D-Backs and Rays - Who knew that Justin would be this good this fast? Well, Jesus probably did. Although no one would dare call Justin a 'Fuck Face' like they did poor Billy.

That Was Quick. (That's What She Said): Evan Longoria, Rays - So much for him toiling away in the minors til the All-Star Break. Now the only question is will this prized rookie be more Ryan Braun or Alex Gordon? Judging by the dong he smacked last night, the smart money is on the former rather than the latter.

Enjoy It While It Lasts: Gabe Kapler, Brewers - Talk about the textbook 'sell high' fantasy candidate. This guy is smacking the ball (4 HR in 26 AB) like Brett Myers smacks his wife, but don't expect it to last. The guy was managing in Single A ball last year for poop's sake. Plus, with the imminent return of Mike Cameron and Tony Gwynn Sr., look for Kapler to be coaching (albeit in AA) again by mid-season.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Lance Berkman, Astros: 3HR, 7RBI, 8R
Casey Kotchman, Halos: .455 AVG, 2HR, 5RBI
Javier Vasquez, White Sox: 2-0, 17K, 1.93 ERA
Dan Haren, D-Backs: 2-0, 12K, 1.08 WHIP
Justin Upton, D-Backs: 10H, 2HR, 8RBI
Jason Bay, Pirates: 3HR, .381 AVG, 6R
Albert Poopholes, Cards: .417 AVG, 3HR, HGH

Give These Guys a Tortilla Filled With Cilantro:

Miguel Cabrera, Tigers: .227 AVG, 1 RBI, 1R
Phil Hughes, Yankees: 5IP, 16.20 ERA, 3.80 WHIP
Ryan Braun, Brewers: 3/25, 1R, 7K
Hunter Pence, Astros: 3/19, O HR, Gone Huntin'
Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies: .111 AVG, O RBI, the Lord's scorn
Mark Prior: Ass
Roy Oswalt, Astros: 4IP, 18.00 ERA, 2.25 WHIP

Fernando's Musing From the Taqueria: Week 1

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Una

Wet Fart of the Week: The Detroit Tigers - OH (no!) and 6. Where is this vaunted, record-setting offense? We knew the bullpen would be bad, but the offense was supposed to be able to compensate. The importance of the first week is often overstated, but in this case, go ahead and hit the panic button.

Best Beard: Kerry Wood, Cubs - Some guys look like dumbasses with a beard (see: me, Matt Clement). Kerry Wood's beard is badass. It's got a warrant out for the statutory rape of the Houston Astros. Kerry Wood's beard had 2 saves this week. Kerry Wood had 1.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Nate McLouth, Pirates - I've been touting this guy's prowess to anyone who would listen, which was basically no one. He rewards me, and other astute owners with a .429 average, 2 steals, 7 RBI's, 6 runs and 5 doubles. He's Hunter Pence without the hype.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Matt Kemp, Dodgers - This was an intriguing and popular pick in fantasy circles this year, but it appears he's drawn the short straw in the 'Juan Pierre Stolen At Bats' sweepstakes, a distinction which was supposed to go to Andre Either. A 2-16 start will do that to you. Pierre hasn't fared much better, going 1-11 and getting caught stealing in his only attempt, thus negating his only useful trait.

Dave Dravecky Knocked the Kool-Aid Out of My Hand with His Good Arm: Rich Harden and Ben Sheets - Both guys make Kerry Wood look like Cal Ripken in comparison, but both also have ceilings higher than the Sistine Chapel.* This week they proved what they can do when healthy. Through two starts, Harden is 1-0 with a 0.82 ERA and 15 K's in 11IP. Sheets was even better. 1-0, 15 IP, 15 K's, only 2 walks and no runs allowed, including a complete game shut out. Harden sure would look good in Cubby blue come the All-Star break.

An Aberration (and Abomination), Like a Lake in the Middle of the Desert: The Orioles and Cardinals: They started the year 4-1 and 5-1, respectively. Don't place that call to Vegas just yet. Both teams would be hard pressed to compete in a youth t-ball league, much less The Show. Look for both teams to spiral out of control, and Tony LaRussa to once again look to the bottle for answers.

Dusty Baker Will Wreck Your Life: Johnny Cueto - He was as good as advertised in his first start, going 7 strong, only giving up one run and fanning 10. But clearly it's only a matter of time before Dusty gets cocky and starts using a 3 man rotation to maximize his starts. He'll also use him as a closer on his days off. He may even have him run the scoreboard between innings. Dusty Baker will wreck his life.

You Can't Take the Devil Out of the Rays: (Devil) Rays - Whatever you want to call them, these kids can play. Too bad they play in the American League East, which is essentially like the NBA Western Conference of the Majors. Put these guys in the West or even the Central and they'd be a good starter or two away from seriously contending.

Rising Sun, And I Ain't Talkin' About the Wesley Snipes/Sean Connery Masterpiece: Kosuke Fukodome and Hiroki Kuroda, Cubs/Dodgers: KFuk, F-Bomb...whatever you want to call him, he's taken the Windy City by storm. Fukodome is the new 1998 model Sosa. He's doing it with his bat, his glove, his arm and his raw, unfiltered sexuality. Meanwhile, over on the left coast, Kuroda is bringing back memories of the short-lived and ill-fated Nomo-mania after pitching 7 innings of 3 hit ball in his debut. Remember when there were only like 2 Japanese players (Ichiro and what, Hideki Irabu?) and they were something of a novelty? It's the Asian Invasion and it's just getting started. This is like when the NBA brought in Tony Kukoc as a European experiment and then all of the sudden like half of the teams rosters were filled with white guys with hard to pronounce names.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Derrek Lee, Cubs: 3 HR, 10H, 6 runs

Xavier Nady, Pirates: 3HR, 9RBI, .385 AVG

Brian Bannister, Royals: 1-0, 7IP, 0R, 4K, 0BB

David Murphy, Rangers: .409 AVG, 5R, 2SB

Jake Peavy, Padres: 2-0, 0.56 ERA, 12K

Howie Kendrick, Angels: 12H, 6R, 2SB

Doug Davis: Pitched while he had cancer

Give These Guys a Tortilla Filled with Cilantro:

Pedro Martinez, Mets: 3.1 IP, 4R, HIV

Adam LaRoche, Pirates: .091 AVG, 0RBI, 10K

Miguel Cabrera, Tigers: .143 AVG, 1RBI, 5 total bases

CC Sabathia, Indians: 2 starts, 0-1, 7.59 ERA, 9K

Johnny Damon, Yankees: .136 AVG, O RBI, 6 total bases

David Ortiz, Red Sox: 3-26, 1 HR, 3RBI

Andruw Jones, Dodgers: .136 AVG, O HR, 1 RBI, fat

*Is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel really high? I just assumed for the sake of the analogy that it is.