Cubs/Cardinals Gist Forthcoming

The fringe-Southerners at Cardinals Diaspora have asked us to please write a Cards-friendly Gist after this afternoon's game. Their writers are still angry and insulted by having to pay taxes yesterday, and are much too furious to write coherently. We told them that we would oblige, but on the condition that they stop wearing camouflage and clean up their city.

Yeah teabaggin'! Freedom, patriot, white pow- uh, freedom!

Chip Wesley Press Conference

Shocking news broke yesterday regarding Chip Wesley apparently being a Cardinals fan at one time. While rumors have run rampant since the story and incriminating photo were released, Mr. Wesley has chosen to hold a press conference in front of his peers to shed some light on this devastating news.

Chip: Thank you all for being here today on this national holiday. How fitting as I feel like I'm defending my patriotism here.

Yesterday a story involving my previous allegiance as a Cards fan was leaked. It is with a solemn and sad heart that I admit that this is 100% true. From a period of around 1987 to 2000 I could be considered a Cardinals fan.

I originally grew up as a Cubs fan. My earliest memories were of the 1984 Cubs and their pennant race. Somewhere along the line a few years later I was led astray. The reasoning behind my descent into Cardinals fandom is fourfold.

1. As a kid I felt the urge to go against what everyone else in my family did. Somehow cheering for the Cardinals instead of the Cubs seemed like a good idea.
2. As a means of trying to be more cool/popular at school I chose to like the teams that the coolest kid in my class liked, which happened to be the Cardinals and Washington Redskins.
3. In 1987 the Cardinals were by far a better team than the Cubs. I was seduced by such luminaries as Whitey Herzog, Ozzie Smith, Vince Coleman, Willie McGee and Jack Clark.
4. I was 8 years old. What the hell does an 8 year old know? Jack shit, that's what.

So there you have it. However over the years I certainly watched more Cubs games than Cards as the games on WGN were much more prevalent at this time. I still rocked an "Awesome Dawson" t-shirt in 4th grade, and I did cheer for the Cubs in the '89 pennant. But my main allegiances were always with the Redbirds. My favorite Cardinals during my younger years included Ozzie, Pedro Guerrero and Felix Jose. Don't ask me why but I thought Felix Jose was the shit.

Gradually as my teenage years came by, baseball in general took a bit of a back seat to other things like video games, girls, and discovering alcohol. But whenever it came up though, I would still say that I was a Cardinals fan*.

*There was one exception. In 1993 I became a huge fan of that Phillies team. Not the Phillies in general but that particular team with Kruk, Dykstra, Daulton, Mulholland, Hollins, etc. That was the most kickass team of the 90's. Joe Carter, you're a son of a bitch....

Eventually I got to college and in 1998 the Cubs had a young fireballer named Kerry Wood who threw 20 strikeouts in a game and also brought me back to where I belonged. It was that season that I came to a realization. I could name the entire starting lineup of the Cubs, but couldn't even name half of the Cardinals roster. So at that point I once again announced my allegiance to the Cubs, but also maintained one with the Cardinals. Obviously this sports bigamy couldn't last as it was absolutely asinine to claim to be a fan of both. So like Derek Vinyard in American History X, I saw the error in my ways and turned a new leaf. Thankfully my revelation didn't require being ass raped in prison.

In this post-9/11 society, I've been strictly a Cub fan thank you very much, and it feels good. I was with them in 2000 when Brant and I got to see back to back games with the immortal Daniel Garibay and Ruben Quevedo taking the hill. I was with them in 2003 when they ripped my heart out in Game 6. I was with them the following season when what appeared to be an even better team completely imploded under Dusty's incompetence. I was with them through the atrocious 2005 and 2006 campaigns. I was with them through Neifi-mania. I was with them last year as they were quickly swept under the rug by Arizona. And I will be with them when my cold dead ass is buried 6 feet in the ground.

Looking back I'm really ashamed that I was ever affiliated with the Cardinals. You can call bullshit if you want, but I don't ever feel like I truly liked them. I mean, looking back I have all sorts of memories of various Cubs games but literally none of the Cardinals, aside from one I saw where Felix Jose hitting a home run after an announcer predicted he would. Again, I was gay for Felix Jose, what can I say?

Either way, it is a part of my past, and now my secret is out. I can only hope we can move on from here in a positive manner. Thank you. I will now take questions from the bartenders.

Daft Funk: How the hell did this happen?

Chip: Jesus Christ Funk, were you paying any attention?

Daft Funk: Uh, not really. New question then. While actively rooting for the Cardinals, did you find yourself attracted to men more than you do now? Did you also lose the urge to spell correctly and brush your teeth?

Chip: My attraction to men has never wavered regardless of my baseball loyalties. As a kid I was always a Level 1 speller and brushed regularly, giving proof that I was never truly meant to follow this backwoods franchise.

The Hundley: Can any person make a reasonable argument FOR Ozzie Smith being a 1st ballot HOF'er, let alone being IN the HOF?

Chip: Yes I'll make that argument. I think he is deserving. However I also firmly believe that Ron Santo, Jim Rice, Andre Dawson, Bert Blyleven, Jack Morris, and Dale Murphy should all be in as well.

Governor Gray Davis: Have you ever tucked a red polo shirt into khaki shorts?

Chip: Um no, but I do believe I have owned both a red polo shirt and khaki shorts at one time. Pleated khaki shorts even. I never rocked the Teva sandals though so you can't fully convict me on those grounds.

Chaim Witz: (Slurring) Are you a fucker? What does dick taste like? Is St. Louis still reeling from the loss of Kurt Warner?

Chip: Whoa, whoa, whoa there Chaim. Let's take it easy here. I know you're upset. To answer those three questions I would say, ask your mom, ask your mom again, and are you drunk?

Chaim Witz: Maybe. What is LaRussa like when he's drunk?

Chip: Much like yourself, surly and constantly buying chunky girls shots of Patron.

Brant Brown: Did you invite Joe Buck to your wedding?

Chip: He was a groomsman. Remember, he stood right next to you at the ceremony.

The Hundley: Do you ever have any sexual fantasies involving Tommy Herr and/or Whitey Herzog? Werner Herzog? Herr Herzog?

Chip: No on everyone except Tommy Herr, in which who doesn't?

The Hundley: What's harder - being a closet Cardinal fan, or being a closet homosexual?

Chip: Clearly it's closet homosexual. I've kept quiet on this Cardinals thing for quite a while now, but I do shit that could be deemed "gay" on a daily basis.

Daft Funk: Do you find yourself secretly rooting for the St. Louis Rams as well?

Chip: I don't think anyone openly roots for the Rams let alone secretly.

Chaim: (Slurring to the point of near incoherence) I heard Daryl Kile is still alive and is roomates with Tupac. True?

Chip: Wow, yeah. I think we're done here. No more questions, you gentlemen have a nice day.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, scandal has rocked the Saloon today.

Been to the newsstand today? Check out the newest issue of TMS Weekly:

(Click To Enlarge. Like my wang.)

That's right...pictures have surfaced of our very own Chip Wesley, our fearless leader and co-founder of the Saloon, wearing a Cardinals hat. Apparently, this was during his college years. But this cannot be blamed on experimentation with homosexuality...er...drugs. No, Chip was a Cardinals fan.

Also seen in the picture is the Saloon's own Brant Brown. When asked why he didn't put a stop to Chip's Cardinal infatuation at the time, Brant said, "Mushrooms, man. I was taking so many mushrooms back then that he could have been wearing a live bear on his head and I wouldn't have noticed."

Obviously, this kind of shocking news is devastating to the Saloon. Brant Brown has been weeping uncontrollably for hours (although that may have to do with the constipation he has from eating nothing but Tortino's Pizza Rolls for a week). The Hundley has been brandishing Slumpbuster in a very aggressive manner since news broke. Clearly, we need some kind of explanation.

A press conference is scheduled for tomorrow morning where we'll have Chip Wesley on hand to answer all of your questions. Check back for updates. Huell Howser will be hosting.

Closeted Cub Fans?

"I wonder what the Cubs score is?"

No, I'm not talking about secretly homosexual Cubs fans (Chaim). I'm talking about Cardinal fans. No, I'm not saying that all Cardinals fans are closeted gays either (although I have said that many times in the past). Wait, what am I talking about? Let me start over.

I want to share a theory with you all that I've had for many years. I went to college in the middle of Illinois, which meant that there were fans of all kinds attending. The majority of NFL fans on campus were Bears affiliated, but there were Rams fans that you'd run into now and again, and even the occasional Colts fan (They were the ones missing teeth).

Baseball was even more scattered. Not only were fans split down the Cubs/White Sox line, but it seemed like campus was infested with Cardinals fans. Ew gross...

It was during these college years that I was able to hallucinate on mushrooms compare Sox fans and Cardinals fans side by side. After particularly tough losses, Sox fans would always be the ones to come and rub it in my face. But Cardinals fans would sometimes come over, even in the middle of a pennant race, and say things like "Yeah, that was a tough one last night". You'd talk back and forth with them and then realize that you're having the same conversation with them as you would with another Cubs fan.

Slowly, I began to realize that Cardinals fans are closeted Cubs fans. Whether they know it or not, all fans of the St. Louis Cardinals want to be Cub fans.

As the years went by, my case only got stronger. Cardinals fans, for some magical reason, are almost always up to date on everything the Cubs are doing, but not in a "Keep your enemies close" way, but in the way a real fan would. Cardinals fans would say things like "I don't care if he's a Cub. I really like Derrek Lee" or "My second favorite place to see a game is Wrigley Field, hands down". The clincher was how many times in 2003 I heard "If the Cardinals weren't going to win the division, I'm glad that the Cubs did."

What???

Never in my life would I say the same thing. If the Cubs don't win the Central, I'd rather see it burned to the ground! The only reason I even pay attention to the Sox is so I know who the easiest target to pick on is when confronted with a smack-talking South Sider.

I decided to go back to the source. I recently interviewed the biggest Cardinals fan I know, who also attended college with me. We'll see if he can shed some light on this mystery. He will be referred to only as "Brando".

How long have you been a Cardinals fan? On a scale of 1-10, where would you place your fan-dom?

I have been a Cardinals fan since 1985. I was three years old at the time, and I still remember my mom's reaction to two things about that season: The first was during the NLCS when Ozzie Smith hit a walk-off home run from the left side of the plate to send the series back to Los Angeles (the famous "Go Crazy" call from Jack Buck, may he rest in peace). The second was during game 6 of the World Series when Don Denkinger blew a call at first base that was only an obvious out by Todd Worrell. It was during this moment that I heard words from my mom's mouth that I never even knew existed.

On a scale of 1-10, I would have to place my fan-dom as an 8. I have cheered through both the good and the bad seasons, but I don't get pissed off if they lose. I also try to make it to Busch Stadium at least once a year to see a game.

2. What's your opinion on Cubs fans?

I am on the fence on different levels. As a baseball purist, I have to say that Cubs fans are the most dedicated to their team. They have had losing seasons for YEARS and yet they still continue to pack Wrigley Field year after year. The two times that I have been to Wrigley, both have been amazing experiences. The first time I went, the Cards and Cubs were playing each other and Jim Edmonds hit a 3-run shot off of Kerry Wood. That same game, Kerry Wood threw at Matt Morris's head. Regardless, this game was like being at the playoffs. Every single hit/out the fans cheered thunderously. Not to mention, there was just as much red in the stands as there was blue. The second time, I was fortunate enough to see Ron Santo be inducted into the Cubs Hall of Fame. Why Cooperstown won't let him in I have no idea!

There are some Cubs fans that drive me nuts, though. I can't stand the ones who basically talk trash all the time and don't even know three players that are on the Cubs roster. I also can't stand the fans at Wrigley Field that get drunk and throw trash onto the field whenever the umpires make a bad call. For the most part though, the Cubs/Cardinals rivalry is fun and friendly. I don't know of any other where the losing teams fans will buy the winning teams fans a beer after the game is over.

Have you ever considered making the switch from being a Cards fan to a Cub fan? Be honest.

No. I am dedicated to the "Birds on Bat."

In years where the Cubs have made the playoffs and the Cardinals haven't, did you find yourself rooting for the Cubs or against them? Why?

I am actually one of the few Cardinal fans that will root for Chicago if they make the playoffs and we don't. I mean, come on, it's been a CENTURY! Their due sometime, right? Not to mention, my grandpa was a Cubs fan and I know that he would have liked to have seen them "get the ring" before he passed. The rivalry is fun, but if my list had to go in any order it would be this:

(1) My team (2) My division (3) My league (4) The game itself

Describe your immediate reaction to the following name: Jim Edmonds.

Best defensive center fielder to have ever played the game.


Seems like a straight-up Cardinals fan, right? But take a closer look. Sympathy for Ron Santo. A willingness to root for the Cubs in the playoffs/World Series. No hatred for Jim Edmonds jumping ship like we've seen here. Not out and out signs that Brando is actually a Cubs fan, but the sympathy toward our plight shows that the potential is there, just like all the Cardinal fans I've met.

And when you think about it, why wouldn't Cardinals fans want to be Cubs fans? We have everything the Cardinals have to offer. Want a 'roided up former great that was shamed out of the public eye? Sosa's got us covered. What about a lefty with a wicked curveball that suddenly forgets the strike zone? Rich Hill is just waiting to become a converted centerfielder. We've got great players, Lou Piniella and a fantastic ballpark. Plus, red and blue knocks just plain old red out of the ballpark (no pun intended) every day of the week. The Cubs are the colors of America. The Cards are the official color of Castro. I think the choice is obvious.

The scary thing is that if I'm right, any Cub fan walking around could potentially by a former Cards fan.

What say you, loyal readers? Know any Cardinal fans that you think may secretly yearn to break free and hop on the Cubs bandwagon?