Overrated: Fireworks

Before you all get your patriotic panties in a bunch, let me clarify that I have no issue with the fireworks displays presented on the 4th of July. Those are a grand example of love for country, and when coupled with a good Sousa march, gives me a red, white, and blue boner that lasts until Labor Day. Hell, I don't even mind if my neighbors launch a few bottle rockets on the 4th and who could hate sparklers? Only a communist, that's who.

But that's where my love affair with things that go boom ends. During the last weeks of June leading up to the 4th and the two weeks in July following , all the white trash asshats in my neighborhood continue firing stuff off as soon as it gets dark. If you're shooting fireworks off on any other day then the 4th of July, you're not a patriot; you're just a dick who likes to blow shit up. Enough already. Besides, amateur fireworks suck ass. It's the real thing or nothing.

And being a Cub fan, I guess I've never understood the appeal of setting off fireworks for a team victory or worse, every fucking time one of your players hits a home run. I can read the scoreboard and I can see when a ball leaves the ballpark. If you're so retarded that you need a pyrotechnic display in order to know whether your team won or lost, then I think you're watching the wrong game. And people have a problem when a guy poses too long at home plate to admire a home run, but it's considered okay to shoot a bunch of rockets in the air? Seems like pretty poor sportsmanship to me.

So save your fireworks for the 4th of July, when they actually mean something. God Bless America, bitches.

Overrated: UFC

I know you love my balls in your face,
hence why I am putting them here.

UFC is Overrated.

Why is it that everyone I know is obsessed with it? Why is it that men enjoy watching other men in tiny shorts, kick and slap each other in the face and legs? If I wanted to watch that I would just sit and watch Oxygen or VH1. I just don't get it.


UFC, or "Ultimate Fighting Championship" if there is such a thing, was created a few years ago in an attempt to create a new fighting league that strives to appeal to white trash, tools and douchebags alike. Their idea was to combine all of the Martial arts into a single "Ultimate Fighting" style. While their efforts were indeed noble, they have failed. When you watch a UFC match it is essentially a glorified version of The Rock (who's a "movie star" now) choke slamming Stone Cold Steve Austin, except WWE had a better script and more action.

Now look: in the interest of Full Disclosure, and the fact that some of you may be screaming at the top of your lungs "Have you ever seen a UFC fight?! You're an idiot if you don't like it," yes, I have seen UFC fights. In fact I tried to make myself like it because it seemed like an interesting idea. I have watched at least 10 fights and not once have I been interested in watching another, yet I forced myself to. If you don't think 10 is enough I don't care.

Moving beyond the initial absurdity of men slapping and kicking each other: What is up with the players or "fighters" themselves? You have these idiot promoters who will do anything to get on TV or promote a fight, including getting "Passed Out" by a rather ugly woman to promote her fight. You have fighters who were either homeless, bank robbers or gay. You have washed up boxers (who were never that good anyway) trying to make it. Whats next: a guy who has seen every Jackie Chan movie and can mimic his every move? I'm still waiting for the "Tool Man" who was a former construction worker like the feel of balls in his face, or "The Weather Man", Al Roker. At least WWE has more inventive story lines, plots and characters.

Secondly: where is the strategy? So a guy puts his hands up to his face, what should I do? Kick him in his shins (duh), or what happens if he jumps? Up+A+B (also known as the Hadōken). Now you can't kick him in the balls or headbutt, but you can do anything but that. Literally you can flail about or punch a guy in his stomach then knee him in the head. Why can't it be more like boxing, where the punches thrown act as more like a pawn and rounds are actually scored by judges who genuinely understand the sport and not this:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/980548/.

Christ, I think I,of all people, could hold this guy off for longer than 14 seconds by simply staying off the fence. Not to mention that this 14 second defeat, nay embarrassment, was supposed to be the pinnacle of the supposed "sport" that UFC was supposed to be. You may think I'm harping on a fight that just "wasn't that good" but did you see the build up to it? When the main contender dropped out Mr. Pink Hair (a scrub) came in.

One of these two guys is a UFC fighter.
Does it really matter which one?

Third: What the hell is up with naming your events not by people involved but by number? Do you ever see Lightweight Worldwide 55 for Boxing? No. What happens when UFC reaches 100? Its like the first American flags where they decided that they would add a new star and stripe for each additional state, they quickly found out that the average flag would be larger than the state of Rhode Island. What happens when your average sports guy says "Remember UFC 45?" and the other guy goes "Which one is that again?" Besides, is naming the fighters really that big of a deal, I mean, it is your job to make these people famous, is it not? ESPN, the monolith of all sports, has commentators who are former players/professionals/coaches for almost all of their sports. I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing, but when your commentators for UFC are former UFC "Fighters" that I, or most of the public, has never heard of there is a problem with publicity.

Finally, the thing that just makes me think to my self, "WTF" about UFC is the utter fascination with the clothing line that they themselves created. We're sorry if TMS is turning into Men's Vogue (with the recent rash of articles referring to style) but for Christ sake, no one even cares if you watch UFC, so why would you even wear Tap-Out or Affliction shirts and pretend that its "cool." Not to mention that the shirts look like they could have been designed by the same douche that designs Ed Hardy (see below post, I concur 100% with it). To you, middle aged father of 3 children with white picket fence, wearing that "Tap-Out" t-shirt, no matter how hard you try you will fail to be cool to your 13 year old son, no matter what. Deal with it and buy a Corvette, then he might like you.

Live from the Jersey Shore:
MMA: Battle of the Tools

Maybe my hatred of UFC stems from the fact that I'm a bit old fashioned and this its more of a fad than anything else. Maybe its because as a 13 year old boy I didn't like WWE, nor did I collect Pokemon cards, Magic cards or buy into any other fad associated with the mid-ninety's. Maybe its because I just hold boxing in such high esteem that I'm blinded by "HOW AWESOME" UFC really is. Maybe its because I don't enjoy men in silky boxer-briefs fancy slap each other. Whatever it is, UFC is overrated, and no matter what you say it will be overrated forever.

Underrated: Working at Home

Yesterday, I took a "mental health day" and called in sick. I actually had a lot of work to do, so I decided I would just stay home and do some of it. What I discovered was amazing. Despite the fact that I slept until nearly eleven and ate a leisurely lunch, I managed to accomplish more in four hours working at home than I have in the past three weeks working at the office. If only I could somehow make this happen every day!

Imagine: no distractions, no annoying co-workers, no dress code. The only other soul in my home office yesterday was one of the cats and she curled up in the corner and passed out. For the first time in weeks, I actually felt like a I gave a shit about my job. It was awesome. I can't even recall the last time I ever felt so productive.

I am now totally envious of anyone who's able to telecommute. Shit, I could do that too, if my job would let me. All I would need would be remote access to our database and I could perform every single aspect of my job from the comfort of home. Not only would I be more efficient and productive, but I'd be helping the environment, too. No more twenty-five minute drive into work to waste gas and produce emissions, plus I'd save big at the pump. I'd save even more money by not having to buy any more business casual clothes. I could easily do the same job while wearing my Aramis Ramirez jersey and a pair of jorts. Best of all, there'd be no distractions. No goober whistling or singing off key in the next cubicle. No one discussing their health issues or talking about their crotchfruit's latest big game. No backslapping jagoff who gives me a nickname I didn't want or need. Just me and the computer in Zen-like harmony, surrounded by the familiar confines of home. Sounds like paradise.

Overrated: Dane Cook

I'm cool: you want proof?
My belt buckle is badass.

Dane Cook is not funny.

First, while I shouldn’t even have to, let me explain. Dane Cook started as a comedian touring college campuses and small time bars and became “big” after he appeared on Comedy Central. While early on he might have been funny, his comedy slowly devolved into a formulaic, mind-numbing and insulting. Today it is no secret that he is hated by most comedians, a major drama queen and supposedly is low enough to steal material from comedians like Louis CK. Regardless, even if he wasn’t any of these things he still isn’t funny. Take a look at my rendition of “The Dane Cook Formula”:

Step 1: Make an Observation (usually something simple)
Step 2: Describe something in the observation
Step 3: Expect people to laugh at the observation as if its ironic or unique
Step 4: If people don't laugh then:
a: make a strange face or make an odd movement to accentuate story
b: yell a swear word or make an odd noise at the top of your lungs
Step 5: Expect people to laugh at a, b or a and b.
Repeat

In fact, lets take it further. This is the joke that prompted me to write this post and have a long discussion with my coworker (who is named Karen and called this the Karen joke). All you have to do it take the formula and apply it (the only thing I have done is add “Step #”, this “joke” is in its whole form, seriously... you can't make this up)

Step 1:

So I'm hangin' out with all of my buddies, and uh, I realize something, I realize something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends you've hung out with the most, maybe you're all here tonight. And this is what I realized, I had an epiphany, and here it is, right here: There is one person, in every group of friends, that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there, to hate their guts. When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp, your hobby, is cutting that person down.

Step 2:

Example: "Karen, is always a douchebag." Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around, you just look at each other and say, "God, Karen, she's such a douchebag!". Until she walks up, then you're like, "Hey, what's up Kar-? Kar-. What's up Kar-?"

Step 3

There's always that one person - and I'm lookin' out and some of guys are like "Umm, I disagree." Well you're the person - You're the person nobody likes.

Step 4

I know, it is so true, and that's why it's funny. It is so true, that's why it's funny, because, it's so true, hence, funny.

Skip Step 5

Repeat Step 1

Your whole life that person has been there. That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian. Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up, even if we didn't tell him where we were going.

Step 2

We would go someplace and he would do that I Just Found You run. "H-h-h-h-hi guys. What's up guys?" And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group. We'd be like,

Step 3

"Fucking Brian is coming." "What?" [whispered] "Fucking Brian is coming."

Step 4

That's his name, Fucking Brian Is Coming. I heard a rumor, when he was born, even the doctor said, "Fucking Brian is coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here."

Step 5

That's what I'm saying - quote, unquote. And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.

Repeat

Wow... just take a minute to reread that and see what is funny about the actual text. There is nothing funny about it... hes telling a terrible story that most people would end with "and then I found a $5 bill." Then on top of it he stops in the middle to say "Its funny because its true." Yes Dane, its true, but its not funny. Sorry.

I challenge you to go back and look at other Dane Cook Jokes, I've even made it easy by giving you this site if you don't believe me: http://www.mustsharejokes.com/page/Dane+Cook+Jokes.
Every one of those jokes follows the formula. In closing, Dane you're a terrible comedian, and if you were the jester in my court I'd have you guillotined.

Underated: Going to the Moon (and Mars)

Yesterday we celebrated the 40th anniversary of what is one of the biggest events to occur in human history. First there was the invention of beer, then the wheel and fire. It wasn't until the 1960’s when man wrangled a big f-cking Saturn V rocket, cathode tube computers, liquid oxygen, hydrogen and big hairy American balls and then shoved it up the drunken USSR’s ass that we truly solidified our place in history. On the eve of the anniversary of first moon landing the astronauts from the Apollo 11 mission want the US to embark on a new mission - have man set foot on Mars in what could be the biggest goal of our generation, and I couldn’t agree more with them.

Dear USSR, F-ck You
Sincerely, USA

Now given the current state of the economy and world affairs you may be saying “SbC, this is a terrible idea...” but you would be terribly wrong because it could be a economic stimulus package that lifts several industries out of their slide and a diplomatic and political home-run (Pres. Obama pay attention now, even though I know you won’t read this, not because you don’t have the time but because you’re a White Sox fan...)

What we should do is create incentives for private companies to develop the technology necessary to get us to Mars. We could get congress to pass incentives for private industry that offers tax breaks, which would outsource the research, planning and design which would then leave NASA to pick the best and most cost effective. The Government could then use the money from the scrapped F-22 Raptor program (Obama shut down the "Dream Factory") to fund NASA and build it with the winners plans and parts. This would create jobs in both private and the public sectors, bolstering the technology, information technology, education and investment sectors of the economy, maybe even housing in localized areas.

Just imagine if you could sell the idea of a mission to Mars to a state like California which already has a ton of people that are smart enough (hell, even Steve Jobs could turn a profit off the iRocket, although it would just be operated by a single button and wheel) and enough debt to make Zimbabwean loaf of bread look expensive.

iRocket v1.1 - A New Apple Product Better than the iPhone

And you may be asking how it is a political imperative: China. When we first went to the moon it was to battle the Soviets into space (and maybe show that our nukes weren’t to be messed with) so why not do it again since we have a new enemy. They are already starting to develop their programs. Do you really want China to get to Mars before we do? I didn’t think so...

With China’s industrial might they be successful after a few tries (dying for Mao is a great honor) and will then mass produce cheap carbon copies of their rockets and sell them to the Chinese population so that they can colonize and turn the Red Planet into the Peoples Red Republic of China. Then they will undergo a massive public works project to carve Mao’s face into the planet, which is exactly what the future clients of my space tourism business will not want to see. They could also harness the alien race and turn them all against us, and Will Smith won’t be able to help us (Tommy Lee Jones maybe...)

Do you want your kids looking at this in telescopes?

So in closing I think building a new rocket to Mars isn’t only necessary, it needs to be done soon. I refuse to lose. Lets build a rocket that show how big our man hood here in 'Merica really is.

'Merica, F-ck Yeah

Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part Two

I adjusted my list for the Underrated since my last post to include a couple more topics. However, since this post would pretty much be a novel if I included them all, and I still have to pick up Chaim's tuxedo pants from the dry cleaner (I accidentally picked up Chip Wesley's dry cleaning last night, no wonder it was shaped like a fairy princess dress) I moved a couple of the original items to Perfectly Rated.

Perfectly Rated:

Black Beans: Order them instead of refried beans. Tastier and healthier.
Mexican Beer: Corona is shit. But Negra Modelo is underrated, so it evens out.
Numero Uno: How can you go wrong with one beef taco, one beef enchilada, and one beef tostada, served with beans? Perfect staple menu item.

And so I bring you the Underrated:

Free Chips and Salsa.
Chips and salsa are far superior to rolls and butter. Period. Okay, your one exception is the Red Lobster Cheese Biscuit, but if you're that desperate, here's a tip: Go to Red Lobster, sit down and order your drinks. Wait for the rolls and then book out of there. Trust me, your stomach will thank you later. Anyways, the free chips and salsa are great for so many reasons. First off all, they are a tasty treat that is perfect for lining your stomach with the carbs it will need to soak up the grease and beer that will follow. In addition, the nachos are great for scooping up your beans (preferably black) when your meal does come. Plus, you can pour the salsa on top of your meal, adding that little something extra your double-steak chimichanga was missing.

Living in AZ, there are way more Mexican Restaurants to chose from than in the Midwest, and I actually will pick one over the other because of the chips and salsa. Here are some examples: Chevy's makes there own tortillas, hell, most places out here make there own tortillas. They even have cool machines or guys that are on display to prove to you they are fresh. Serrano's not only includes salsa, but also a spicy bean dip. And then there is Chuy's. Chuy's offers a full chip and salsa bar, with 5 different salsas to chose from. So skip the stale rolls and "fancy" churned butter. You know you want something salty and spicy instead.

Margaritas.
Where can a man go and enjoy a fruity, yet tart and refreshing alcoholic beverage and not get hit on by guys named Ken? That's right, the Mexican restaurant. Sure, I enjoy beer and whiskey just as much as the next heterosexual male that shaves his chest, but a man should have choices in life, alcohol included. Margaritas are like the nectar of the gods, especially on a 112 degree day when your shoes melt to the pavement before you even make it to the car.

Frozen or on the rocks, with or without salt, I don't give a fuck (actually I prefer frozen with salt, but I love anything slushy). Whoever figured out you could take a liquor as horrible and dirty as tequila and make it into a tasty beverage is a genius. If only "man-code" would allow me to drink these anywhere, but unfortunately when I'm walking around Hohokam Stadium with my $8 little green cocktail (Dos Gringos tent, center field grass area) I get those looks. And I'm not talking about from all the beautiful tail running around in skimpy Cubs bikinis. So thank you Mexican restaurants, for not questioning my sexuality.

Pollo Fundido.
Most of you are probably asking yourself, "Ginger, WTF is a Pollo Fundido?" It's probably because your idea of a Mexican restaurant has a .79, .89, .99 cent value menu. I kid, I kid. Honestly, I had never seen it on a menu when I lived in the Midwest either, so don't feel too bad. But really you should feel bad, because this treat that Taco Hell has yet to discover and turn into rat poison is a fat man's paradise.

Literally translated, Pollo Fundido means Chicken Something (I looked it up and the translator said fundido meant fade to black). Basically it's a burrito filled with shredded chicken and a mix of vegetables, from chiles to peppers to onions, and then deep fried. It's then topped with a cheddar/jack cheese, cream cheese and jalapeno mixture and baked in the oven till the topping is a gooey goodness. Top it off with some sour cream, some salsa and a black olive and you've got the best chimichanga you've ever had, son. Granted, it's not going be on your Jenny Craig's weight watchers menu at 585 calories and 31 grams of fat, but if you're looking for a belly buster at your Mexican restaurant, then order it up. And if they don't have it, just ask, maybe the cooks are from Mexico, or something.

El Pinche Restaurante.
Looking for a quick place for a bite during your lunch break and want some Mexican food but don't have the time and/or money for the whole waiter experience? Skip the Taco Hell and go across the street to that shady Mexican joint that has a whole pig skin, advertisements for phone cards and candles with the Virgin Mary in the window. Be warned, the menu board is probably going to be in Spanish so this is going to take a little bit of effort on your part, but don't worry or be scared, you racist bastard, it will be worth it.

First off, if you don't speak Spanish, just ask. Plus, there is a high probability the menu board will be covered with horrible photos of their food. They have everything that the Taco Hell has. Okay, so maybe they don't serve Volcano tacos, but it's pretty much the same fare, plus they have other great dishes you've probably never heard of. Just be careful to ask about the meat. In addition to the normal chicken, beef and pork selections, you may accidentally order stomach, tongue or even brains, which if you're up for a Andrew Zimmern adventure just might taste good. And here's another hint: these places make awesome breakfast "platos". If you've never had juevos rancheros, you're missing out. Personally I skip most of the greasy food and order myself a carnitas torta with avocado.

Tortas.
Speaking of tortas, here's another little known Mexican food secret that it's amazing Taco Hell hasn't bastardized yet. Basically a torta is a Mexican sandwich. It's served on a 6-8 inch crusty white bread roll called a bolilo, which is usually toasted on the flattop. You might be familiar with it's Cuban cousin, the Cubabo, which is made with roast pork, ham, swiss cheese and dill pickles.

But a torta can be so much more. Basically you pick your meat, which as I mentioned before can include almost any part of the pig, cow or chicken you want. Some of the more popluar versions include al pastor (marinated pork), carne asada (marinate steak), carnitas (fried tender pork), chile relleno (cheese-stuffed pepper), jamon (ham) and huevos (scrambled eggs). Then you pick your toppings which include avocado, sour cream, lettuce, jalapenos , tomatoes and cheese. I hear Wolter orders his with extra cilantro. Slap it on the grill for a minute and you got yourself a torta.

So what makes the torta so special? You know what, I haven't got a fucking clue. It's just great. Maybe it's because I'm used to eating Subway if I want a sandwich. It could be because the grill is perfectly seasoned. But the real reason, and I'm not being racist here, is that Mexicans know how to cook. Whether it's your corner-market taco stand, or the fancy French restaurant downtown, odds are that a Mexican is cooking your food, and if he is, it's more than likely it's going to be damn good.

Go Cubs!

Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part One

Without an idea to write about and my intern weekly post deadline growing near (yes, Chip Wesley, I will pick up your tuxedo pants from the dry cleaners still), I turned to a horrible first trip to Chipotle and one of my favorite TMS posts of yore as motivation for my next craptacular abortion. So here is Part I of Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants.

I give you the Overrated.


Table-side Guacamole
Honestly, up until a few years ago, I hated guacamole. It was texture thing, and avocado has a weird texture to me. When I finally came around I understood the tastiness of guacamole, but I never understood why it cost so much. I guess those fruits don't travel well. Living in AZ, this is not a problem, and I swear I never had a really good guacamole until I moved out West. The best way to compare it to someone who hasn't been west of the Mississippi is if you've ever eaten a tomato from your garden, and then compared that to one you just bought at the store. No contest. But I digress. Few restaurants still offer this table-side theater, as it's pretty much gone the way of the Caesar salad in Italian restaurants and saganaki (OPA!) in Greek restaurants. Because when it comes down to it, no one really gives a fuck how you make the guacamole. Sure, you can specialize your guacamole if it's being made in front of you (more cilantro please!) but shouldn't the restaurant be the one making the recipe. I mean, that is their job! So guacamole: good. But table-side, I'm not paying an extra couple bucks to watch you do your job, get back in the kitchen.

Mexican Salad Garnish
Stop wasting valuable beans and rice space on my plate with your stupid "salad". Yes, I am a fatty, and I don't have anything against vegetables, but does anyone ever eat that little corner of shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes that accompanies every meal you order at a Mexican Restaurant? But Ginger, "It's a garnish thing," you say. Well, then it's time it went the way of curly parsley. Look, your food isn't even really Mexican food. It's Tex-Mex. The taco, the burrito, the chalupa, do you think they were Mexican staples? No. So don't try to fool me by adding lettuce and tomatoes to my dish and calling it "classy". If I'm eating a greasy pile of carne asada tacos and bean enchiladas, I don't care if my plate is colorful. It's taking up valuable fat and calorie space.

Fried Ice Cream
How can you take ice cream and improve it? How about deep frying it and covering it with honey? Genius! Everything taste better fried. Exhibit A: Chicken Fried Bacon. Sure this dessert which spans both Mexican and Asian fare might seem like a tasty treat at the end of your greasy meal, but is dying for that treat worth it? If so, then go ahead. But if you want to live to eat another Pollo Fundido understand that to make fried ice cream you have to dip the ice cream in raw egg, which is then not cooked enough to remove the possible salmonella poisoning. Plus it's not even a good tempura batter like at a Chinese restaurant. Usually it's stale cornflakes. So keep your fried ice cream away from me, and while you're at it, stick your churros up your ass as well.

Menudo
To be honest, I've never had Menudo, so maybe it's actually good. And it's supposed to be a great hangover cure, which I could use many a Tuesday morning when I'm pulling a Wolter and calling in sick because of a Listerine and Binaca binge from the night before. But anything that involves cooking a part of an animal for an extended period of time (like 6-8 hours) just to make it edible is not good eats in my book. Plus the smell is horrible. So much so that I won't even venture near a Mexican restaurant on Sunday's. Which sucks, because that's the day that my hangover needs a greasy taco and hair-of-the-dog margarita to get me through the day the most. So GFY menudo, for making Mexican off-limits to me on Sunday. Oh, and the band sucked too.

Chipotle®
I had Chipotle last night for the first time and it was probably the most disappointing experience of my life, other than losing my virginity, although both ended up with me praying to the porcelain goddess afterward. I had heard so much about Chipotle. How great it was. How the burritos were the size of basketballs. How the salsa was the best ever. And this is probably true for 85% of the population whose closest competition is Taco Bell, but for me it was shit. Growing up in DeKalb, IL we had 3 different burrito joints. And that's all they did: burritos. Sometime during the late 90's they decided to all out-do each other. So within a couple months, you could order a 4 pound burrito that was twice the size of the one I got at Chipotle for half the price (usually around $4-$5), and didn't taste like a baby pooped in a soggy tortilla and covered it with baby puke sour cream.


Fish Tacos
Growing up in the Midwest, I had never heard of fish tacos. But since moving to the valley of the sun, I have noticed that they are everywhere. Every Mexican restaurant has some form or another, and if my 6 hours of watching the Food Network each night has taught me anything, it's that these California treats are sweeping the nation. At first, I was down. It was something new. But then I soon realized that really all I was getting was a small piece of breaded cod and some cole slaw in a mini tortilla. The only people who should be eating fish tacos are vegetarians, who are also probably munching on pink tacos as well.

Next installment, the Underrated, which will include: Free Chips and Salsa, Margaritas, Pollo Fundido, Black Beans, Mexican Beer and the Numero Uno.

Go Cubs!

Underrated: Aramis Ramirez

Chaim Witz pointed something out the other day that struck me as odd, but true. If you go to Wrigley or watch games on TV, you'll see scads of fans wearing Soriano, Fukudome, Lee, and Zambrano jerseys, and Theriot is starting to show up more often as well. Tons of folks still wear classics like Grace, Sandberg, and Wood. But what you don't see very often is an Aramis Ramirez jersey. Like Chaim, I find it odd that the guy who is possibly the Cubs' best player is so underrepresented among the fans. There are maybe a couple of reasons for this, which we'll look at here.

Short Memory. In a way, Ramirez has so solidified third base, it almost seems like he's always been there. But he hasn't. Rami was acquired by Jim Hendry midway through the 2003 season. Before Ramirez came, third base was a black hole into which many players disappeared. Todd Zeile, Mark Bellhorn, Ron Cey, Gary Gaetti, Jose Hernandez, and Leo Gomez were just a few of the extended cast of characters that held down the hot corner during my lifetime. The revolving door dates back to when Ron Santo played for the Cubs. Perhaps trading him to the White Sox cursed future thirdbasemen to mediocrity until the Rammer's arrival. I say short memory because for many Cub fans, Ramirez has always been there. The Cubs gained a lot of fans after the 2003 playoff run and many older fans came back to the team and began paying attention again. (By the way, I see nothing wrong with this. My wife became a Cub fan after getting wrapped up in the 2003 playoffs and has been die hard ever since.) The point being, I think Ramirez gets overlooked by a lot of this group because they didn't have to go through watching the endless parade of lousy third-sackers the Cubs have trotted out there. They're spoiled by how consistent Rami is, and he's been overshadowed by higher profile acquisitions the Cubs have made, such as Nomar Garaciaparra, Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, the return of Greg Maddux. and the emergence of some farmgrown talent like Geo Soto, The Riot, and little Mikey Horse N Phone.

The No Hustle Tag. For some reason, Aramis has never been able to slough off the onus that some writers and fans have laid on him: that he's lazy. I think that's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. When we got Aramis from the Pirates, the big knock on him was that he couldn't field. He made a shitload of errors in 2003. The one good thing Dusty B. Baker did for the Cubs was fixing Ramirez's defense. He and the coaches worked with Rami to improve his footwork, especially on the throw to first base. In my mind, Ramirez is now one of the best fielding third basemen in the game. Are David Wright, Joe Crede, and Ryan Zimerman better? Well, yeah, but so what? Ramirez is easily top ten and I would even say top 5, now that Scotty Rolen is on the back end of his career. It's impossible for a lazy player to improve so dramatically. That kind of improvement takes effort and dedication. Now I know, I know, there's a buncha people going, "But Arcturus, he doesn't leg out ground balls." Whatever. Aramis had 44 doubles last year. If he ran faster, could he have more? Maybe, but who gives a shit? Aramis is the #4 hitter. His job is to drive in runs. He's also had leg problems and really ain't all that fast to begin with. I don't want our #1 RBI guy blowing out a quad trying to stretch a single into a double just because some dipshits think he ought to be as fast as Theriot. Rami may be slow, but he's a smart baserunner. Guys like The Riot need to hustle, beacuse without that hustle, they're one year closer to being a utility player. Ramirez's bat has got all the hustle he's ever going to need.

The Cock-Fighting Thing. I'd like to hope that most people are grown up enough not to let this bother them. If he were doing it in the US, where it's illegal, then there's a problem. In the Dominican Republic, it's not only legal, but a national past time. Is it cruel? Sure, I suppose, but considering what we do to chickens in the US poultry industry, I don't really see it as a big deal. You want to get outraged, throw your McNuggets at someone before criticizing someone else's native culture.

Low-Key. Lastly, I think the other reason Ramirez gets so little attention is because he likes it that way. He never seems like a showboat, despite the mirrored shades, and his interviews are always very laid back. He never comes off as arrogant and I've never seen him make himself the center of attention. He's got superstar numbers without the superstar baggage and that's one of the reasons he's my favorite current Chicago Cub. I've even got the jersey to prove it.

Underrated: Hummus

Often times overshadowed by the popularity of salsa and ignored by racists, this Middle Eastern dish made from mashed chickpeas (better than dudepeas!) is a glorious dip-like substance that upon consumption renders you both worldly and content.

Popular dipping tools include pita bread, pita chips, and assorted cold vegetables. The key to good hummus is the addition of a little olive oil. This negates the healthiness of the dish, but ups the ante from merely a simple head nod and a "this is pretty good" to a couple of dick thrusts and a "oh my God, I'm leaving my wife."

Slowly gaining popularity in pretentious urban areas, hummus has yet to become overexposed like tableside guacamole, retaining it's street cred and slight air of mystery. There are many brands and a variety of flavors, although I've found you can't go wrong with Sabra's original along with some fresh pita bread. At a restaurant, it's always a solid appetizer option, as it's healthy, not too filling and gives credibility to your entree order. Hummus. Not quite a hummer, but still good.

Underrated: Hamburger Helper

There's been a lot of posts here of late espousing fancy recipes and cooking. I've got no beef with that, as I myself am the primary chef in my household. I enjoy cooking culinary delights as much as the next guy, but I feel there's also something to be said for simplicity.

As an income and time challenged American, sometimes there's nothing finer than whipping out a box of Hamburger Helper. It's perfect for nights when you don't have a lot of time to cook and when you're not craving an elaborate feast. It's pretty awesome to think that the ingredients for an entire meal are contained in one tiny box. And if you're craving variety, hell, they've got you covered. Mexican, Italian, and American dishes are well represented in the Hamburger Helper lineup. And just on the grocery shelves is the new addition, Asian Helper! Hell to the Yeah. I made Mongolian Beef for the wife and I the other night. Good stuff, people.

The best thing about Hamburger Helper is that any dope can make it. If you've mastered the basic principles of stirring, you too can make Hamburger Helper. And what meal is more unassuming? All they ask you to provide is dead cow! Maybe some water or milk. Unless you're a hobo, you either have or can easily obtain these ingredients. So tonight skip that gourmet meal, go down to the Pic N' Save and pick up a box of Hamburger Helper. Think how much more time you'll have to read Thunder Matt's Saloon and look for midget porn.

Overrated: The Dark Knight

Before you read the title of this post and jump to conclusions, hear me out first. Put those batarangs away, fanboys.

Let me start off by saying that I really liked The Dark Knight. Hell, I would go so far as to say that I loved it. It was easily the best Batman movie of all time and the new standard by which all future comic book movies will be judged. The story was entertaining and I thought all the actors involved did wonderful jobs. I had a fantastic time seeing the movie in IMAX and I plan on purchasing the movie on DVD when I can nab it for a few dollars off.

But let's not get too ahead of ourselves.

Was The Dark Knight one of the best movies of all time? I don't think so. I wouldn't even say it was the best movie of 2008.

And don't doubt for a second that I am the target market for this movie. I'm a male, age 18-30. I've been reading comic books since I was 8 years old and have always been a huge Batman fan. I read Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns more times than I care to admit. I cheered when the annoying Jason Todd was crowbarred to death. Hell, I even pushed my way through Grant Morrison's trippy, confusing and oft-delayed (though never dull) Batman RIP story this year. So if anyone had a reason to label The Dark Knight as one of the greatest movies ever, it's someone like me.

But I don't. Though it was a great movie, it's far from a masterpiece.

At this time last year, TDK had more hype behind it than any movie I can remember in years. Fueled by the success of the first movie, the addition of one of the most classic villains in comic book history and the tragic death of Heath Ledger, it seemed like there was no way for TDK to live up to the hype.

But it did. In my lifetime, I don't think I've seen any movie meet the impossibly high expectations that TDK had. And this is part of the problem. Just because the expectations were high and the movie was somehow able to meet them, I think people thought that it was one of the all time greatest movies just based on that. And I'm not saying that breaking the all time one-day and first-weekend box office records is a small feat, but I think it too probably influenced people. When a movie starts doing that kind of business, I think people sort of feel like it has to be one of the best films they've ever seen.

If you look at the IMDB Top 250 movies of all time, you'll see movies listed that are not only considered some of the greatest stories to grace the big screen, but some of the best pieces of art ever produced, regardless of medium. Take a look at the following list:

Schindler's List

Casablanca

Star Wars

Psycho

Dr. Strangelove

Citizen Kane

It's A Wonderful Life

Taxi Driver

Some of the greatest movies of all time, right? That's not the only thing they have in common. They're also all ranked below TDK on the list. Right now, TDK sits at #4 all time, below The Shawshank Redemption and The Godfather Parts I and II (NOTE: When trying to make an all-time great movie, make sure to put 'The' in the title).

Obviously, the people have spoken, as these ranks are voted on by the users of IMDB. It's true that there was some speculation that many of those votes were from people signing up countless IMDB profiles in an attempt to inflate TDK's score, but I consider that a wash since just as many people who hate TDK did the same thing to artificially lower its score.

That being said, I don't think TDK is a solid enough movie to stack up against the all time greats when all is said and done. Here are a few reasons why:

1. The Story Gets Slippery At Times: No one has to remind me about the willing suspension of disbelief. I'm not going to say TDK's story was weak in some places because there's no way a guy in a bat suit would go around beating people up in real life. Even inside the world of a superhero vigilante, there are some parts of the movie that border on ridiculous. For instance, are we to believe that just one day after an attempt on the mayor's life, the Joker (sans makeup, but still with terribly noticeable scars) was able to get close enough to him to make an attempt on his life? Wouldn't there be some increased security?

And what about when Jim Gordon fakes his death in order to go undercover and bust the Joker? What kind of a man would not only lie to his own wife, but his child as well by faking his own death to go undercover? Especially when being undercover really didn't do that much to help in the first place. I know the police eventually got the Joker, but are you telling me that if Gordon was replaced with a highly-trained military officer during that prison transport that the job wouldn't have been done just as well? It may seem like these points are a bit moot in a movie where a guy hangs out in a rubber suit, but if TDK wants to be thought of as less of a 'comic movie' and more of a 'real movie' then it should be prepared to face the questions I'd ask of any movie, flying rodent or not.

2. The Third Act Was Almost A Tank Job: The part of the movie with the two boats wired with explosives had its moments, but for the most part, the last 30 minutes or so of the movie were much worse than what came before it. The movie should have ended after Joker blew up the buildings with Rachel and Harvey Dent inside of them. Batman stands on a pile of rubble with Dent's coin in his hand after losing the woman he's loved for years. The Joker escapes in a stolen police car. Bruce Wayne slouches in a chair, exhausted from living his double life and wondering if it's worth everything he has to risk and will most likely lose in the long run. Are you telling me that wouldn't have been a fantastic place for the movie to end? If you're trying to make a gritty, dark movie, ending it at the point where things look the most bleak and where the most questions remain seems like the best thing to do.

But TDK kept going. They wanted to fit in more of a resolution with Joker and cram in Two Face by the end of the flick, which I think is the biggest mistake TDK made. As much as this movie was about Batman and his quest to not be needed anymore, I think it was equally Harvey Dent's story as well. He was the savior. He was the white knight that would lead Gotham back to being a safe place to live. For him to turn from the embodiment of everything that could be right with Gotham into the exact opposite should have been entirely fleshed out in the eventual third movie.

Instead, Dent's transformation into Two Face happened in a 5 minute hospital room scene with Joker. While I thought it was a killer scene (no pun intended), I think the downfall of Dent deserved much more attention. I feel like the last act of TDK tried to get everything sewn up in a nice little package waaaaay too quickly. And the entire sonar scene made me all kinds of dizzy.

3. Heath Ledger Was Good, But Not Golden: With all respect to Heath Ledger, I don't think his portrayal of the Joker was worthy of a little golden statue. I will agree that the Joker was probably one of the best parts of TDK and I found myself riveted every time he was onscreen. While I think Ledger did an admirable job, I believe that a lot more of the credit than most people are giving should go to Christopher and Jonathan Nolan and David Goyer for the story and script. Part of the reason Heath Ledger was so fantastic was because he was given a knockout part to play in the movies and some of the best lines in any movie this year. And while I don't want to take away from Heath's performance too much, I can't help but feel like there are others who could have played the part just as well. While I wouldn't be mad if Ledger got nominated for an Oscar (He's already been nominated for a Golden Globe), I don't think he should win. Like I said, because of the wide open and ambiguous character of the Joker, I think the role could have been performed by just about anyone with a decent amount of talent and been just as good. I think Golden Globes and Oscars should go to people that pull off a role so perfectly, no one else could have done the same job.

Take Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder for example. Like the Joker, he had fantastic writing and some great makeup to help the performance. But there was just something more that Downey Jr. brought to the role that I thought was missing from Ledger's performance. Sure, any actor can be made up to look black like Downey Jr. was, but in my opinion, no one on the planet could have pulled off the role of Kirk Lazarus but him. The Joker was scary as hell, but the second time I watched TDK, it just seemed like he was just smacking his lips and making odd faces at people. Ledger's performance in Brokeback Mountain (again, no pun intended) blows the Joker out of the water every day of the week.

(And if you really want to see the best supporting acting of the year, don't miss Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road. Pulling off the near-impossible task of holding his own onscreen with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, Shannon turns in a performance that steals the entire movie in about 8 total minutes of screen time.)

4. The 'Myth' Of Batman No Longer Existed: One of the things that bothered me the most about TDK was the fact that Batman would just wander around and not really care who saw him. To me, Batman is much more effective and terrifying to bad guys as a myth, a legend that may or may not be true. The unknown is what strikes fear into the heart of most criminals. In the original Batman movie, it was debated the entire time whether Batman even existed, let alone if he was a good guy or some kind of monster. In TDK, the police have no problem not only letting Batman into the police station, but allowing him to go into an interrogation room with the Joker and try to get information out of him. Where's the mystery? Commissioner Gordon is supposed to be the only one on the police force that has any contact with the Caped Crusader! What's next? Batman hitting the bars after hours with the off-duty mall cops? Batman at Starbucks?

Honestly, if TDK scores a Best Picture Oscar nomination, I think it'll be just to boost the ratings for the show. I mean, is this really one of the best movies ever made? Are my kids going to go as nuts for it as people did this summer? I say no, and that's really going to be the biggest test. I think that removed from all the hype and the tragic passing of Heath Ledger and away from the broken box office records, 20 years from now, TDK may not seem as phenomenal as it does today. It'll hold up and still be good in the future, but years from now, I think we'll be able to see that it just isn't on par with the greatest films from years past.

I don't mean to be nit-picky about this movie. I just wanted to make the point that, while it's still an excellent film, The Dark Knight is by no means a flawless film as some may want to believe. As a comic book movie, it's absolutely moved the bar up for what people should expect in the future. As a regular old movie, it was suspenseful and fun and everything that going to a summer blockbuster should be.

But is it one of the greatest movies of all time? I don't think so.

Underrated: Christmas Music

No, I assure you, I am not being facetious. Christmas, let alone the music associated with it, truly gets a bum deal these days. Whether its your co-worker, your spouse, bloggers you've never met in your life, or the ever-so-incorrigible Christopher Hitchens, everyone these days seems to have nothing but contempt for Christmas. It's so fashionable to bemoan the holiday season. It's very hip to be like the frowning bastards that have no joy and warmth in their hearts.

I will admit that some of the Christmas complaints are legitimate. Many people despise the crowds when they go shopping. That's understandable at times. Do the stores put out their holiday items far too early? Certainly they do, but they have to capitalize on the grandmothers who finish their Christmas shopping by November 10. Some people, on the other hand, get entirely too hung up on the religious aspects of Christmas, going so far as to decry the imposition of Christianity on our daily lives. I'm not a religious man by any means, but I guess I'm better than others at setting the baby Jesus farm apart from the jolly fat man. Despite all these grievances, the tradition that often seems to invoke the most wrath is the music that tags along in December.

Personally, I'll agree with the old standard. Christmas is certainly the most wonderful time of the year for me. I love dusting off the classic Christmas movies. I love trying to outdo last year's gifts to my wife. I love filling out the sarcastic, nonsensical cards to my friends. I love it when the winter ales hit the liquor store. I love it when it gets cold outside (granted I live in Southern California now, so cold is a relative term). I love picking out a tree in the makeshift lot on the corner. And yes, damn it all, I love Christmas music.

I can think of few simpler and greater pleasures than sipping on a glass of scotch and listening to Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald reprise the classics. Dean Martin singing "Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!" puts me in the spirit regardless of the time of year. Eartha Kitt lusting through a rendition of "Santa Baby"? Yes, please! I'm not talking about the Trans-Siberian Orchestra or Mannheim Steamroller here. I'm looking at Bing and David. Classic shit. Religious sentiment? Who cares, its indisputably fantastic music!

But great Christmas music is not just limited to the oldies. Those might be the best versions of these songs, and they're terribly difficult to top, but check out this version of "Baby it's Cold Outside". The sultry female lead on that one is Zooey Deschanel from the Elf soundtrack, back when she was blonde, seemingly hotter, and had not yet perfected the vacant stare. I'll offer to keep her warm. And here's something I never thought I would admit: I like that Mariah Carey song from the '90s, heterosexuality be damned!

But you know what my favorite addition to the Christmas catalog is? The reasonably priced five disc set that Sufjan Stevens put out a few years ago. It's a great mix of chopped up old classics and new material. We've passed it on to a few friends and family, and they've grown to make his collection a staple in their Christmas as well.

The bottom line is that I will unabashedly disagree with the Christmas naysayers and fight the good fight for not only Christmas music, but the holiday itself. Life is too short to be a miser and pretend that Christmas is overrated. Unless of course you hate being given days off of work, and despise getting gifts and eating junk food. If that's the case, wait until you're in the throes of August. Then you'll be praying for the holidays. Long live Christmas and the music that defines it!

Overrated/Underrated: Prison Edition

Whaaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Bet you thought your old boy OJ was gone for good with me gettin' in some trouble in Vegas, right? Shit, ain't no man alive (or murdered) that can keep The Juice down! I gots me a sweet wifi connection here so I can continue to write for this Pimp Capture website. I can also use it to watch YouTube clips from my glory days and even download me some hardcore German porn! Legit!

I've been reading the shirt on this site for a while now, and if you're the kind of person that keeps coming back to read this kind of stuff, I'm assuming that you've spent some time in the slammer. I mean, have you read how sick some of this stuff is? I gots no damn clue what in the hell that's all about. Either way, just in case you've never been to jail, I've got you a list of all the stuff here in County that the shit (and some things that are just shitty).

Overrated:

Joining A Gang: When you first get to jail, getting yourself affiliated with a gang seems like a good idea. You think you're gonna get some protection, maybe a little cuddle time. Sounds good. But that shit is waaaaaay more work than you might think. I'm trying to write a sequel to my successful book from a few years back, but every time I try to get to writin' I gotta stop to go to some inter-gang mixer. And when I gotta do that, I hafta bake cookies or make brownies or whip up a batch of meth or some shit. it ain't worth it. And believe me...you've never felt pressure until you have to find something to wear the the Seasonal Ball that no one else in the prison is wearing. Prison stripes are sooo 1996.

Free Time In The Yard: I used to think that my free time outside was a fun time, but shit! That's when all the damn fights break out! Do you know how hard it is to throw an underhand strike in our intermural softball games if I've got to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure some fool ain't gonna stick me with a sharpened bed post? And let me tell you, it's impossible to pull off a Tea Party or Typewriter in the daily Four-Square game with a shiv in your side.

Prison Sex: I know what you're thinking: 'How can prison sex be overrated? Isn't that why most convicts go to jail?' That may have been how shit worked back in the old days, but times is different now. It ain't all about the reach-arounds and Dutch Rudders anymore. Most of the 'normal' partners are satisfied watching internet porn, so that leaves just the odd dudes around lookin' for some OJ lovin'. And there's way too many things around that The Juice don't like pokin' around where they shouldn't be. Broom handles, wrenches, iPhones...you name it! And no lube.

Underrated:

Food: Prison food's the bomb-dizzle, yo! Some dude said that food is all in the presentation, and this food ain't no exception. When they pile that green shit next to that brown shit and mix in a little of the yellow stuff we have every other day, it makes quite a good mix. It's pleasing to the eye and all that goofy shit. Food cooked for me every day? Shit, that's like being married all over again...except when I verbally assault the cook in here, I gets me a faceful of Mace. Wait, it's exactly like being married!

Books: If you're in jail, you got a lot of time to read the thousands of books they got in the prison library. All that readin' ain't for makin' yourself smarter or any of that shit. It's to see what books have any good info in 'em. Find a book with a good nudie scene in it? Make sure to mark that book and include a drawing of the action in the side margins! Um...that's about it really. Pretty much everything we do here in jail is for one reason: to get our nut off! Werd!

Gang Rape: You know how sometimes you get home from work and your wife has a special dinner planned out and ready for you that you weren't expecting and it's a really unexpected surprise? Gang rape's a little like that, but instead of your wife, it's the Raiders offensive line that's got the surprise for you. The other difference is that when you get the dinner surprise, you follow it up with dessert. In prison, you follow up the gang rape with some light crying, and maybe a little bruising. And then more gang rape.

Underrated: Cash

I don't understand why cash has become such a bad thing. After dining with some friends a few nights back, they were amazed that I had enough cash on me to cover a $50 meal. I was the one amazed shortly thereafter, when the other three couples divulged that none of them had more than ten dollars on them. Really? What the hell is so bad about cash?

I'm not a total old curmudgeon, I do have a credit card. I know how handy it can be, especially if you're in a position where you have to expense things for your place of employment. With a company credit card, I no longer have to spend time saving receipts or filling out expense reports. Just swipe the card, sign for it, and answer my boss's questions only if they take the time to ask.

An incident that happened at a convenient store last week really got me thinking of how underrated cash is. I stopped in for my standard breakfast of a ninety-nine cent bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a Diet Dr. Pepper. At 7am, the store only had one clerk working, and a long line had quickly formed. The source of the problem turned out to be a guy buying the daily paper with a debit card. Really? You're going to use a debit card for a one dollar purchase? Predictably, the machine wouldn't read his card, and the ever-growing line of patrons grew longer and more impatient with each swipe. I kind of felt bad for the guy initially, until I realized that I was now running late for work. Murmurs of "Jesus Christ" and "what the fuck?" were heard throughout the store. The gal behind the counter was not happy either. Finally, after a few minutes, the card went through, and the line sped by as people paid cash. I couldn't help but thinking how totally OPPOSITE this experience was from the Visa commercial. You know, the one where everything is going along so harmoniously in the cafeteria until someone tried to pay with cash?

Cash is great. You actually see how much money you have. A credit card can be so distant. Yeah, that steak and lobster dinner is $45, but I can just put it on the card. Spending is easier on the credit card. It's no secret. Just look at all of the people who inexplicably go into ungodly depths of credit card debt. I don't even know how you'd go about that. If I have $500 in my savings account, I'm not going to buy a $3,000 guitar. If you're making payments on a credit card, game over, man. If this recession has taught us anything, you shouldn't outspend your means.

Just look at all of the advantages of cash:

- an impromptu game of horseshoes breaks out, and the stakes are $1 per game.
- you head to a bachelor party and inevitably go to a Gentleman's Club. Where are you going to swipe the card? Well, where can you swipe a card that WON'T get you beaten and kicked out?
- a stack of plastic isn't as cool as a pimp roll.
- you've checked into a hotel and you need to tip the bellhop.
- Bribery via credit card = not possible.
- you're watching the Bears play and you bet one dollar that Rasheed Davis will drop at least two passes.
- you're in a crowded bar and you want a beer. Paying in cash allows you to avoid being That Guy who pays for one beer with a credit card.
- if paying in cash is out of style, you're automatically part of the cool counterculture.
- Cash Discounts. You'd be surprised how many places will do it if you ask.

And there you have it. Cash in hand allows you to see better just how much you're spending. $2 here, $6 there, $5 there, on a credit/debit card, it adds up fast, sometimes so fast that it's too late by the time you look at your statement. When cash is gone, it's gone. And one last comment on cash - how uncool would the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase, have been if he didn't have cash? The Million Dollar Man with a single credit card? Boo! Shit, how lame would The Million Dollar Dream finishing move had been if he didn't have cash to shove down unconscious opponent's throats?

Overrated/Underrated: Sports Edition

Overrated: The BCS - Wow, I know, big shocker. It seems easy to pile on the ridiculous bureaucracy the BCS has become. The system is an absolute joke. No matter what the outcome, somebody is going to cry "foul" and bitch that they got the shaft. Hell ragging on the BCS could be deemed overrated at this point. Everyone knows a playoff system is the only way to legitimize the national title at college football's highest level, and yet it seems like we're stuck in this horribly flawed, archaic system for the unforeseeable future.

Underrated: The FCS Playoffs - Amazing! A 16 team playoff involving all the conference champions* along with some at-large bid teams? That's crazy how that works huh? Amidst all the overhyped drama of the rivalry games, the I-AA (now called the FCS) playoffs began. I encourage any football fan to tune into these games. Of course I have a rooting interest as a UNI alum, but I have to say the FCS playoffs provide for some highly entertaining football. And if you think the talent is lacking at this level, let me give you a list of NFL players that are I-AA alumni to show you otherwise: Joe Flacco, Tim Hightower, Tyler Thigpen, Laurent Robinson, Vincent Jackson, Tony Romo, Brian Westbrook, Josh McCown, Jared Allen, Robert Mathis, Stephen Cooper, Rashean Mathis, Yeremiah Bell, and Edgerton Hartwell just to name a few. Oh yeah, and I believe a certain Sultan of Stubble hailed from a I-AA school as well.

*Yes, I know not all the I-AA conferences participate in the playoffs.

Overrated: Notre Dame's bowl eligibility - Give me a freakin' break. The Irish finished 6-6. The six teams they defeated are a combined 21-49 on the season, and only one of the six had a winning record. For God's sake ND, join a freakin' conference already! The Big Ten was more than ready to bring you in. Although I'd much rather see the Irish join the Big East and have the Big Ten snipe one of the other schools like Pittsburgh or West Virginia.

Underrated: Boise State's bowl eligibility - You go undefeated yet again, but lose out on the BCS bid to Utah. So instead you're looking at...... the Poinsettia Bowl? Jesus.

Overrated: Arizona Cardinals - I'm surely going to draw the ire of a few members of the Pomp Culture Collective for this one. While they did pull out a win against Dallas ages ago, the Cardinals seem to be more the beneficiaries of an incredibly weak division than they are a potential NFC champion. They'll more than likely make the playoffs, even if it means with a 8-8 or 9-7 record. But with most of their wins coming either at home or against division foes, or sometimes both, I can't see Arizona going any further than the Wild Card round at best.

Underrated: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Let me get this straight. A team with Jeff Garcia at QB and Warrick Dunn at RB is 9-3 and in first place in their division and it's not the year 2000? The Bucs have really flown under the radar this season, but with smart coaching and a solid defense they're now looking like a serious playoff team.

Overrated: Madden Tournaments - Call me old-fashioned but today's games have so many god damn features and options in the game play that you have to push a million different buttons to run one god damn play. Then you get paired up with the asshole that runs the same 3 plays anyway that you can't seem to stop for the life of you. This just seems like a Randall-sized hassle.

Underrated: Tecmo Super Bowl Tournaments - I'll say it. Fuck Madden. Tecmo Super Bowl was the greatest football video game ever created, and playing a tounament with TSB is 100 times more fun than Madden. The games are shorter, the playcalling simpler, and the nostalgia greater. There's no fooling around with defensive formations. You're forever stuck in a 3-4. If you wanna blitz, you guess the opponents play. To me it's much more fun to strategize and guess the other person's play. Of course you can still run into the douchebag that does the diving nose tackle trick on every play, but a simple gentlemen's rule beforehand can stop that. Above all you can get completely smashed while playing and still manage to play alright.

I've been invited to take part in a TSB tourney in two weeks. I'm sure a future post chronicling the events will follow.

Overrated: Quoting the Big Lebowski at the bowling alley - OK, I love that movie as much as the next guy, but there's only so many times you can shout "Over the line!" or "Shomer Shabbas!" or "Don't fuck with the Jesus!" before it becomes not that funny any more and you become the annoying SOB no one wants to bowl with. That's why I say mix it up and try something like....

Underrated: Quoting Kingpin at the bowling alley - Remember this movie? It was the main source for bowling quotes before Big Lebowski came out. Next time you're at the alley with your buds try doing some classic Ernie McCracken lines and put your Walter Sobchak to rest. Bonus points if you ask the barmaid passing by for a "Tanqueray and Tab and keep 'em comin".

Overrated/Underated: Everything Edition

Quick hits! BOO-YAH!

Overrated: Patriots Coaches Not Named Bill Belichick

Remember that Romeo Crennel guy? He coached for the Pats under Belichick and went to the Browns as a hotshot head coach. 3.5 years later, he's fired! That's what happens when you go 23-33 and your players quit on you. Sure he had a 10-6 season last year, but a lot of that had to do with a favorable schedule and the fact that his (also overrated) quarterback played a fantastic first half.

What about that other guy? The other hotshot coach? Charie Weis! Riding the strength of a bunch of players the last coach recruited to Notre Dame, Weis went 19-4. When most of those players left and Weis started having to use the players he recruited himself, he's gone 8-12. Considering Notre Dame plays a pretty easy schedule every year, they'd probably be even worse in an actual conference. In Notre Dame's last 16 games against teams over .500, the Fighting Irish are 1-15. Awesome record.

Not.

Underrated: Nintendo 64

With the regular old NES being the retro-gaming console of choice for most of the decade, as well as increased popularity of Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo, the Nintendo 64 sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. NES, Genesis and SNES are all great consoles, but give the N64 its due as well. If you're in the 18-25 age group, how many countless hours have you spent playing Goldeneye while you should have been doing school projects? How much did The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time kick your ass the first time you played it? Don't forget about Starfox 64 either. Or Mario Cart 64. Or Perfect Dark. Or NFL Quarterback Club '99. The damn list goes on and on. The fact that you can wander in to a GameStop and pick up the system for about $35 and games for between $5-10, there's no reason you shouldn't own one.

Underrated: Ranch Dressing

Putting ranch on salad? That's so 1990. I use ranch for just about anything I eat. I dip pizza in ranch dressing and shovel it into my food-hole two hands at a time. Buffalo wings covered in ranch? Hell yeah! I also find myself putting it on toast, pouring it onto cereal, topping ice cream with it and sometimes just drinking it straight. I dare you to name one thing that can't be improved by ranch dressing.

Overrated: $5 Foot Long Sandwiches At Subway

Get the fuck out of my life. I remember when footlong sandwiches were under $4 each back in the old days. Now $5 is supposed to be a steal? Forgive me if I don't spring into action fellating you with thanks. And that song...god dammit...I'd rather listen to someone beating a baby with a cat. Next.

Underrated: Bacon Burgers

I'm not talking about a hamburger with bacon on it. I'm talking about a burger made entirely out of bacon. Just take the bacon, grind it through a meat grinder a few times, and form the bacon bits into patties. Cook, serve, heart attack. What a delicious way to die. Find out more here.

Underrated: Paul Rudd

I'm straight as an arrow, but I would make out with Paul Rudd if he asked. He tickles me in a way that only a young Rob Lowe has in the past. Clueless aside, Rudd is one of the funnier movie stars in Hollywood today, perfectly pulling off the "slacker guy whose dry humor covers up the fact that he actually cares" part that used to belong to Vince Vaughn. And anyone that makes less Vince Vaughn in my life gets 2 thumbs up.

Overrated: The Beach

Fuck the beach. It's hot, it's wet and it's sandy. It's full of douchebags playing catch with either a football or a Frisbee. It smells like dead fish. On an increasing amount of Southern California beaches, you can't even drink anymore. Stop me when I get to the part that's supposed to be appealing.

Underrated: Tracy Morgan

Watch this. Thank me later.