War Hero: Kerry Wood

Expect to see this picture 4,000 times this weekend.

One of my favorite baseball players of all time retired today. Kerry Wood is done suiting up in his familiar blue pinstripes and will announce his retirement this afternoon. With an ERA north of 8.00 and struggling with health already, he probably knew that it was time. While I would have loved to see him pitch one last inning in front of the home crowd this weekend (especially against the Sox), I think #34 has given us our fair share of memories over the years.

You're going to see a lot of articles written about Wood over the next few days. Links to video of the 20 strikeout game. Talk about the incredible (and sometimes improbable) playoff pushes Kerry was a huge part of. Since all of these things will be covered ad nauseum by bigger and better blogs, I'd like to take the time to point out some of my personal favorite Kerry Wood memories.

• During a crosstown game in 2003 (I think), Kerry was pitching at US Cellular and Paul Konerko was standing in. Wood threw him a slider, and Konerko dropped practically to his knees because it looked to be on a direct path to his head. Only after he had already bailed out did the pitch break down at a Bugs Bunny-esque angle and settle in for a strike. It was one of the single nastiest pitches I've ever seen, which was a microcosm of Kerry's ability when healthy and dealing in his prime. And it didn't hurt that it made a Sox player look foolish.
• I was as crushed as any other Cubs fan when Wood lost Game 7 in 2003 to the Marlins. But the fact that he stood up and took 100% responsibility for the loss really showed how much of a gamer Kerry was. He wanted the ball in the biggest moments in the biggest games. Sometimes I think that with his mentality, Kerry Wood could have been one of the best closers of all time had he only focused on relief pitching from day 1. It might have led to less injuries.
• What really made me love Wood was that in 2008, we had to basically push him out the door to leave the Cubs. Hendry told him we couldn't pay him even close to market value and he didn't want to insult him with a lowball offer. Kerry said he didn't care. I really wanted him to sign back with the Cubs on whatever offer they could afford, but I think the player's union would have had a shit fit if a $10 million a year player signed for 20% of that.

On the "Former and Current Cubs I'd Love to Get a Beer With" list, Kerry is right near the top with Mark Grace and Kyle Farnsworth (you know that guy would start some shit worth seeing every time he goes out drinking). I'm assuming Wood will get some kind of front office or coaching gig with the Cubs, so it's not like he'll be gone forever. He was tough as nails, didn't talk any bullshit and did his job well. I don't think we could have asked for more from Wood in his time in Chicago.

Adios, 34.

(Side note: If you really want to read a good summary of Kerry Wood's awesomeness, get Three Nights In August, one of the better recent books on baseball. Lots of good Wood stuff in there.)

War Hero: Tony Bennett

We often throw the term 'War Hero' around loosely at the Saloon. Today we assign that designation to one of the great crooners of our time, who just so happens to have truly earned it.

Anthony Dominick Benedetto was born in New York City in 1926. Tony's talents in painting and singing were apparent at an early age, earning him enrollment at New York's High School of Industrial Art. At the age of 18, he was drafted into the United States Army, where he served as an infantry rifleman. Bennett was stationed in France and Germany during the waning days of World War II. He would later describe the horrors of war in his autobiography, including the struggles brought on by the harsh winter landscape, and the experience of house-to-house combat while driving back German soldiers. When the war ended, he remained in Germany for a period of time, assisting in the liberation of a Nazi concentration camp.

When Bennett returned to the States, he picked up on his vocal training. He opened for Pearl Bailey in Greenwich Village in 1949, where he was spotted by Bob Hope. This was the break Tony needed, as he was soon after signed to Columbia Records. A string of chart-topping hits would follow throughout the 1950's, including two standout albums in which Bennett collaborated with the Count Basie Orchestra. "I Left My Heart in San Francisco", widely recognized as Bennett's most popular song, drew acclaim after it's 1962 release.

In the mid-1960's the musical landscape began to change, and Bennett found it increasingly difficult to wade these new waters. He went to great lengths in an attempt to change his professional fortunes over the next 15 years. A failed record label, a relocation to London, and a near-fatal overdose brought Tony face-to-face with the 1980's and some hard choices. He brought his two sons into the fold in a last-ditch effort to rehabilitate his career. Gone were the residences in Las Vegas; in was a new deal with Columbia, and the embracing of popular culture.

The youth of America, weened on rock 'n' roll, had until this point been relatively oblivious to the standards genre. An appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards, along with an MTV Unplugged recording, endeared Bennett to this new audience. The record that resulted from his Unplugged session went on to earn him an Album of the Year Grammy, and went a long way in rejuvenating his career.

Aside from being known as one of the great male vocalists of the past century, Bennett has delved into other passions. He was an active member of the Civil Rights Movement, participating in the 1965 Selma to Montgomery marches. In the same vein, he would refuse offers to perform in apartheid South Africa.

Perhaps what he would prefer to best be known for, however, is his painting. His works are featured in numerous galleries throughout the world. He was the official artist for the 2001 Kentucky Derby, and was commissioned by the UN for two paintings. The UN would go on to honor him with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees' Humanitarian Award in 2006.

In total, Bennett has won 15 Grammy Awards and two Emmys. These, however, are mere symbols of the greater work that he will one day leave us with. Tony Bennett, the vocalist, entertainer, human rights activist, soldier, and multi-talented artist, is a true American treasure. Most of all, he is a legitimate War Hero, of the caliber that only Thunder Matt's Saloon can properly recognize.

*Biographical facts were largely culled from Wikipedia. We can trust that thing now, right?

War Hero: Lime Juice

A few weeks ago, an old friend and I were tying one on at the pub after not having seen each other in over a year. Toward the end of the night, the poor bastard developed a standard drunken case of the hiccups. I chuckled at his misfortune, but he waved off my laughs and said he would fix the problem quickly. The typical cures went through my head; holding your breath, chugging water, masturbating to a Patton Oswalt stand-up routine on CD. Which way was he going to solve his dilemma? By the time I asked myself this question, he was at the bar ordering a shot. Naturally confused, I asked him what his liquor of choice was. "Not liquor, lime juice". He threw down his sour shot, and immediately his hiccups were gone.

Last weekend I was out late and, toward closing time, met the same fate as my friend. Remembering his cure, I made a beeline to the bar. The barkeep honored my request, and at no charge! I threw back the shot, and I will be damned if my hiccups didn't immediately vanish. I am now a firm believer in the lime juice.

Most purveyors of fine alcohol know that lime juice is a vital ingredient in a proper margarita. But aside from margaritas and cooking, I didn't know that lime juice was good for anything else until now. My curiosity piqued, I decided to check the vast Internets for other uses of lime juice. I was pleasantly surprised with the results:

• Lime juice prevents AIDS! According to an article in National Geographic, "...flushing the vagina or washing the penis with lemon or lime juice just after sex could significantly reduce new infections". I'll be sure to pack some on my next trip to Kinshasa!
• Lime juice cures cancer -- overnight! Well, not lime juice alone, but according to this foundation, which may or may not be entirely reputable (I'm not really qualified to say), lime juice is a key ingredient to their overnight cancer cure.
• Lime juice enhances vision. Wikipedia informs us that Asian martial artists squeeze a drop or two into their eyes, presumably pre-combat. Or maybe it's post-fight lime juice for the winner, and honor suicide for the loser (again, I'm really not really qualified to draw conclusions).

Lime may literally be more important that penicillin. A simple Google search will sprout up a host of other natural remedies using lime juice; kidney stones, headaches, dandruff, acne, jaundice, bad breath, menstrual flows, even addictions to vintage 1930's German pornography! I also have it on good word that this week's health care speech by President Obama before the joint session of Congress will simply consist of three words: "Lime juice, people".

Ultimately, this natural liquid wonder seems hellbent on proving that it is one of the most versatile items in your kitchen. The next time you sprain your ankle, get a blister, or contract an STD, try fixing it with lime juice first. It may even help you save money on that co-pay at the doctor's office.

War Hero: Aaron Miles

Wait, what? Aaron Miles is a War Hero? How can this be? Since I live under a rock, it wasn't until I read the new Vineline that I learned the story of how Aaron Miles was taken hostage in March of 2000 while he was in the Astros' minor league system. The gunmen robbed several of Miles's teammates, tied them up with ziplines, and locked them in an adjoining room. They were able to break the ziplines and call the police. When the police arrived, two of the gunmen fled, but one remained, keeping Miles as his hostage. Miles took a chance and tried to wrestle the gun away from the man, who proceeded to punch and bite Miles, finally jumping on his back. Miles refused to let go of the gun and hollered for the cops to come in. The police came through the window and shot the criminal six times, all while Miles was on top of him, still holding on to the gun.

Now I don't know why I've never heard this story before, but holy crap, that took balls of steel. I've made fun of Miles a lot and while I still don't particularly want him on the Cubs' roster, I can't really make jokes about a guy who took on an armed assailant. That Miles held on to the gun and was on top of the guy while the police pumped six rounds into the fucker just amazes me. I'd have been crying in the corner like a little girl, so I have to give a lot of credit to Aaron.

Aaron Miles, you sir, are truly a War Hero.

War Hero/War Criminal: Anton Migursky

In case you were unaware, and shame on you if you are, today marks the 25th anniversary of the "Ryne Sandberg Game". Before this game, Ryno was a virtual unknown among most baseball fans. But the NBC Game of Week would change all that. Down by a run in the ninth inning and facing the Cardinal's ace closer, Bruce Sutter, Sandberg hit the game tying home run to put the game into extras. The Cardinals would come back in the top of the tenth, scoring 2 runs and seemingly putting the game out of reach.

But Ryno would have one more chance to beat Sutter, as he came to the plate in the bottom half of the inning with one runner on. What would happen next will be forever ingrained in the memory of Cub fans of my generation and baseball fans everywhere with Bob Costas' classic call, "Do you believe it?!"

Twenty-three years and two days later, Anton Migursky would get his own day. No, Anton did not play for the Cubs, and I highly doubt you have ever heard of him. You won't find his name in the record books or sports almanacs. But he did manage to make what Koyie Hill would call, "One of the best saves I've ever seen in my life."

Migursky's job was keeping Cubs players safe. He was a security guard at Wrigley Field, and just recently retired this past Sunday. Almost two years ago, though, he became known as the best tackler on Wrigley Field since Kyle Farnsworth.

The scene is Wrigley Field, Cubs vs. Rockies. The Cubs were in the lead starting the ninth inning, but Lou's relievers couldn't hold the game down. After giving up a three-run bomb that cost the Cubs the lead, a drunk fan ran onto the field towards the pitcher, yelling, "What are you doing?"


And just like that, Anton Migursky jumped into action, clothes-lining the fan just before he was able to physically assault the pitcher. Piniella was even quoted after the game saying, "Lovie Smith is looking for him."


Unfortunately for the Cubs, the man Migursky saved was "Brown Spot" Bob Howry. Howry began his career as one baseball's elite pitchers, garnering himself a lofty three-year, $12 million paycheck from the Cubs. But when Migursky saved Howry, he was already on the downward spiral of his career, one that cost the Cubs too many blown saves to count (or that I'm too lazy to look up). In 2008 Howry continued his suck-itude and finished the season with a 5.35 ERA. The Cubs were finally able to decline arbitration on Howry at the end of last season and he is currently "pitching" for the Giants.


So this Bud's for you, Anton Migursky. For doing your job above and beyond the call of duty, you are a War Hero. But you should have tackled Howry, or just not gotten there so fast. If you hadn't tackled that fan, it possibly would have ended the headache that was Brown Spot Bob for the next year and a half. And for that, you are a War Criminal.

Poor Man's War Hero: Hotel Room Dresser Handles

You're oh so indiscreet, what with your subtle ways. "I'm good to open these drawers you don't really ever need to use," you say.

Oh no, your importance lies far beyond that. While my clothes remained packed tightly in my suitcase I do find myself in quite a predicament of the libation variety. See, I bought some "fancy" beer and unfortunately it's not a twist off.

What's that you say? You can also act as a makeshift bottle opener. Oh the day is saved!

Warning: Rampant solo drinking in hotel rooms during boring business conferences can lead to full hair loss.

War Hero: Mr. T

I seriously pity the fool who doesn't like Mr. T. One of the few heroes from my childhood who has remained consistently awesome, Mr. T threw out the first pitch and sang the 7th inning stretch on Memorial Day at Wrigley Field. Mr. T isn't afraid to show his love for America, as evidenced by his wardrobe for the day.

Born Laurence Tureaud in Chicago, Mr. T would serve as an MP in the Army before becoming a bouncer and bodyguard for luminaries such as Muhammad Ali, Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, and Steve McQueen, among others. Mr. T appeared as Clubber Lang in the third Rocky movie, which was his big break. I didn't see that film until after seeing Mr. T as B.A. Baracus in The A-Team, so I always enjoyed the first fight in the movie, where Mr. T beats holy hell out of Rocky, more so than the final fight, in which he loses. Yeah right. Like Mr. T could ever be beaten down by the Italian Midget.

Like most males of my generation, The A-Team was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid. I was heartbroken when I figured out that I would never grow up to be a large scary-looking black guy. ( I still want that kick ass van he drove the team around in. My wife has thus far refused.) I also watched the Mr. T cartoon, in which he and a bunch of goober kids went around solving mysteries. It seemed like Shakespeare at the time. Ah, the 80's.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with T-Cell Lymphoma, one of the nastiest types of cancer. He refused to go down without a fight and now spends a great deal of his time visiting cancer wards, serving as an inspiration to those battling the disease. After Hurricane Katrina, he stopped wearing his gold chains and has donated money and clothing to the victims of the disaster. He's one of the few born again Christians that I can stand listening to. Seriously, who's gonna tell Mr. T to shut up about Jesus already? He talks the talk and walks the walk, so you've gotta applaud him for that.

On the air with Len and Bob the other night, Mr. T was funny and personable. To some he may be a forgotten 80's icon or a parody of sorts, but I always get a kick out of seeing him, no matter the venue. Maybe it's an act, but he comes off as a genuinely good guy, which in this day and age is pretty rare. Plus it's nice that someone I admired as a child is still worthy of respect now that I'm an adult.

War Hero: 5 Hour Energy

I've never been a fan of Red Bull or any of the other energy drinks on the market. That is, unless they're mixed with booze. In that case, more Red Bull please. I began to ask myself, there has to be a product out there somewhere that gives me at least a quarter of my annual intake of vitamin B12 and fits in my pocket...but where?

Look no further.

5 hour energy is a 2oz combination of niacin, 40 mg of B6, 8333% of your recommended daily dosage of B12, and a host of other things. It only has the caffeine of one cup of coffee and it's safe for diabetics! Just like flying in planes!

Their website has a list of times when it's particularly useful to take this stuff:

Morning
After Lunch
Workouts
Sports
Travel
Weekends/Vacation

They have a particularly interesting quote about using the stuff to workout:

Many go to the gym and push it until the pain convinces them to call it quits. This is the point where a natural and healthy boost like caffeine can take it to the next level.

Maybe it's just me but when I'm working out and I start to feel pain, I stop. In fact, when I do anything and I start to feel pain I typically stop that thing I'm doing. Osi Umenyiora disagrees with me.

This stuff got me through a sleepless stretch of 48 hours in Vegas. Sure near the end of that trip I was dehydrated and would routinely twitch myself awake but that's probably standard operating procedure after taking in roughly 50000% of my daily allowance of B12 in a matter of days. I won't be sick for years. I am, however, a little concerned that in about 10 years I'll be sitting around watching my stories on daytime television and the commercials will be littered with ambulance-chasing legal jockeys asking if I or any of my immediate family members have suffered the horrible effects of 5 hour energy.

They claim that this product doesn't have the "crash effect" that some of the other leading brand of energy drinks leave you with. Here are their "clinical survey" results:


Here are the results of an equally scientific survey that I just performed:






After doing a little homework, I discovered that they're producing a new EXTRA STRENGTH 5 hour energy. This stuff has 25% more niacin, practically ensuring that you'll experience a "niacin flush" that they warn about on the label. Apparently it's perfectly safe but you may experience a warm sensation all over your body as your skin temporarily turns a slight shade of red. Seems normal to me.

Who knows what they'll come up with next?

War Hero: Kurt Warner - Hall of Fame Edition

January 30th, Y2K. I rocked back and forth atop a dilapidated leopard skin couch, tugging nervously at the strings of my UNI hoodie. Former roommate and current bartender Brant Brown sat underneath a newly acquired St. Louis Rams blanket, meticulously eating Pringles and wondering aloud if the game would end before our wrestling pay-per-view began. Our heater was broken, but our spirits were not. That was because our rags-to-riches hero and UNI alum, Kurt Warner was marching the Rams down the field on the way to a wholly improbable Super Bowl victory. So began the fairy tale, and for me, the man-crush that has lasted nearly 10 years.

Over the next ten years, I would follow Kurt into the trenches. The good times, boy were they great. Dazzling displays of pinpoint accuracy, perfectly thrown deep balls and a five o'clock shadow that didn't know when to quit. This was sexy, captivating football played to near perfection. But it didn't last. Our hero, beset by injuries, mental fatigue and the kind of bad luck that sees you get displaced by not one, but two of the most hyped rookies of the decade, fell on hard times. As quickly as the bandwagon had filled up, it emptied twice as fast until no one remained. Well, almost no one.

For the next few years, I would trek to various sports bars every Sunday, watching our hero hand off to Tiki Barber and overthrow Ike Hillard's corpse. Calling places to ask if they showed the Cardinals, only to be told, "Baseball season is over man, and besides, this is Cubs country." Dozens of wings were left in my wake. More Diet Coke refills than any waitress should ever have to endure. Countless text messages to my brother in arms, Adam, who like me, sat alone, usually at a Bennigans in dusty San Antonio, suffering through the same highs and lows.

Last year, the tides started to turn once again. It was baby steps, but given the opportunity and the right set of circumstances, Kurt Warner began what has been a stirring comeback. After a remarkable year, he has done the impossible, taking arguably the most woeful franchise in professional sports (yes, worse than the Cubs) to the Super Bowl. The final chapter of his story has not been written, but a win in Superbowl 43 would be the perfect bookend to a remarkable story and a Hall of Fame career. That's right, a Hall of Fame career.

There has been quite a bit of talk recently of sending Kurt to Canton. In the past week he's received HOF endorsements from everybody from Chuck Klosterman to Joe Montana (and that was before the NFC Championship). On Tuesday, Pomp Culture stalwart Daft Funk eloquently argued on this very site as to why Kurt should not be in the Hall of Fame. He cited various stats, not once but twice invoking the name of Chad Pennington as a comparison, but failing to mention that the noodle-armed Chadwick has yet to even sniff the jock of a single Championship Game, much less three Super Bowls or any sort of postseason MVP hardware. Because I'm here to tell you folks, if you want to get into Canton without buying a ticket, the best way isn't through regular season stats. It's through the Big Game. It's through mythology, legend and aura. And over the past decade, there haven't been many football legends better than that of Kurtis Eugene Warner.

What do I mean by all this myth/legend mumbo jumbo? Glad you asked. The mistake a lot of people make when looking at Hall of Fame candidacy is to assume that all Hall of Fames were created equal. This is a critical error in judgement and I'll tell you why. Let's use Canton and Cooperstown as our examples.

Baseball is a sport built on numbers, on records. Numbers and statistics are what makes baseball so fun for the fanatics and so boring and impersonal to outsiders. Everything is baseball is predicated on statistics and that is how greatness is judged. What are this guy's career numbers and how do they stack up to his peers? Baseball is a pure sport that hasn't changed a lot throughout the years (a 95 MPH heater in 1949 is still a 95 MPH heater in 2009), so comparing stats from different eras remains both interesting and plausible. New stats like OPS are created seemingly every year, with baseball fans devouring them with a nerd-like zest usually reserved for Star Trek conventions.

Think about it. Everyone knows what the major baseball records are/were. (For the sake of keeping things simple, let's overlook the "steroid records"). 56 game hitting streak. Ted Williams .406 batting average. 755. 61. 4,256. I don't even need to tell you what those numbers equate to and you probably know what they are. The 500 homer benchmark. 3,000 hits. 300 wins. Stats, stats, stats! Notice how all of those stats are regular season stats too. Postseason glory has it's place in the Hall of Fame (it certainly helps if you're a Yankee), but the bottom line is that when the dust settles, you're judged on your bottom line.

Now let's travel Southeast to Canton, Ohio to the Pigskin Hall of Fame. What you have here is a whole different beast. Due in part to the nature of the sport, careers are more fleeting, the window for success diminished greatly. Numbers are great, but winning is better. In baseball, it's quantity over quality, where in football, it is reversed. Football greatness is in the mythology of it all, captured so brilliantly by NFL Films. Football records are nice to have but easy to forget. Emmit Smith is the all-time leading rusher, but with how many yards? You may know the Single Season Passing TD and Receiving TD marks, but if you do, its only because the Patriots broke nearly every record just last year. Career stats from the game's biggest luminaries are nearly impossible to recite, but no one blames you. No one is expected to remember football numbers. In baseball, the numbers are revered. In football, it's the mythology, often times born of championships.

It's easy to cherry pick number to support any argument, so I'll do just that. Let's take a look at the numbers of some NFL Hall of Famers, shall we?

-Joe Namath. Career record: 63-63-4 over 12 seasons. 173 TDS. (Warner has 182.) 220 INTS. 27,663 passing yards (Warner: 28,591 passing yards. Different era, yes, but remember that Namath was the first QB to ever throw for over 4,000 yards.) 3 playoff games...in his career. One Superbowl guarantee. Mythology.

-Lynn Swann. 9 seasons, zero with over 1,000 yards. Career year of 61 receptions. One famous catch and a member of a Steelers dynasty. Mythology.

-Troy Aikman. 12 seasons. 165 career TDS. 81.6 Passer Rating (Warner's passer rating for his ill fated year with the Giants: 86.5). Career Winning %: .569 (Warner: .570). 3 Super Bowl titles, Cowboys dynasty. Mythology.

-Terry Bradshaw. 12 seasons. 27,989 passing yards (less than Warner despite having over 400 more pass attempts). 210 INTS vs. Warner's 114. Steelers dynasty. Mythology.

I could go on. There are many, many players enshrined in Canton whose numbers aren't what you'd think they should be and whose careers were cut short (Gayle Sayers, Earl Campbell, etc) or hit the wall early. In some cases, if you don't have the mythology or postseason glory, then numbers do become important. A sort of 'Plan B' if you will. Dan Marino, Warren Moon and Dan Fouts come immediately to mind. Ideally though, the perfect candidate will combine solid numbers with a sparkling postseason resume.

Kurt Warner succeeds on both counts. 93.8 QB Rating, good for fourth All-Time. 1st All-Time in Passing Yards Per Game. (And given that his career winning % is higher than Aikman's, you can't really argue that those yards all come in garbage time losses). 2nd All-Time in Completion %. Highest percent of 300 yard passing games than any QB in history. Owner of two of the greatest single seasons (1999 and 2001) of any QB, ever. Sure, his cumulative stats lag a bit due to 'lost years', but cumulative regular season stats don't make the man in the NFL. Some would argue that he's only had 5 great seasons, and that's not enough. Go tell Earl Campbell you'll need his blazer back then. I dare you.

What about the mythology of Kurt Warner? I won't recite his background story here, as you're probably already familiar with it and will surely be getting reacquainted with it over the next couple of weeks. His story was great the first time around, and even better this time around. Everybody loves a good comeback story and he's given us two. After turning around the NFL's worst franchise of the 1990's (the Rams, who assumed the position again now that he left), he's done it again, this time turning around the NFL's worst franchise, ever. Their Superbowl run is the unexpected stuff of legend. Mythology.

I haven't even touched on the fact that Warner is seen as the consummate teammate (the fact that he willingly mentored Brother Eli and Fatty Matty is a testament to his character), family man and all-around good guy. Jesus shout outs aside, the guy is about as selfless and giving as they come, as evidenced by this recent piece that ran over the holidays. That kind of stuff probably shouldn't have any bearing on whether he gets into Canton, but it sure makes it hard to root against him.

Finally, if there was any lingering doubt, I would implore you to read the recent article from SI.com, titled, "Why Kurt Warner Is A Better QB Than Manning". The focus of the article is on the post-season, because, and I'll say it until I'm cardinal red in the face, that's what football greatness is primarily judged on. You need to read the piece for yourself, but for the chronically lazy, here are a few choice nuggets.

Warner's teams are 8-2 in postseason play. Manning's Colts are 7-8 in postseason play. In all of history, only Tom Brady (14-3; .824) and Bart Starr (9-1; .900)boast better postseason records than Warner.

Warner is also gearing up for his third Super Bowl start. The list of quarterbacks who have started more is short: John Elway, Terry Bradshaw, Jim Kelly, Montana and Brady.

Hopefully, come that first Sunday in February, Kurt can lead to the Cardinals to a Super Bowl victory, effectively shutting the door on any further debate over his HOF credentials. In my book, he's already there. He's just writing the last chapter to his story. The story of the NFL, as told by Canton, would be incomplete without it.

War Hero: Online Shopping

Do you still drive to work in a horse and buggy? Do you eat soggy, easy to chew mush for dinner? Do you strictly observe the Sabbath? Do you still write checks?

If you answered 'no' to all of the aforementioned questions, then online shopping is for your my friend. Step into the new millennium. Online shopping is where its at. Malls are going the way of dinosaurs and creationism. Unless you still ride a skateboard, why are you at the mall?

Seriously folks, there's really no room for argument here. Let's observe some of the many ways that online shopping gives a bare butt spanking to your grandfather's mall walking.

*You can shop online in the nude if you want. Not that you would, but the option is there. Get comfy for Christ Sakes, I don't give a shit.

*No high pressure sales tactics. That son of a bitch at Best Buy that tries to get you to buy extended warranties and cables you don't need? Don't worry about that zit-faced dropout anymore. Just order online. Don't want to pay shipping? Order in-store pickup, have the Hundley swing by with his truck, pick up your TV and flip off the sales staff in the process.

*Speaking of shipping: In this economy, damn near everybody offers free shipping. It's just a waiting game. Your patience will eventually be rewarded. On Amazon, all orders over $25 are eligible for free shipping. Did I just say that? You bet your Tickle Me Elmo I did!

*It's much easier to shop around online. You don't need to actually get in your car and drive all around hell to find what you want. Think about it. Instead of potentially getting killed in an auto wreck looking for a good deal on porn, you can just shop around online (if your wife isn't home!)

*Some people worry about credit card/id theft. Ooohhhhh yeah. What are you, shopping on Geocities websites? C'mon now. This isn't your Daddy's Internet. Chances are higher that you'll lose your wallet at the store than someone nabbing your info from a secure site. C'mon Grandma, put your faith in technology, not the inherent goodness of man!

*The anticipation is glorious. Normally you open your mailbox to find bills, hate mail and the occasional Maltov cocktail. Fuck that. How about the latest John Grisham book, a Persian rug or a wireless video game controller? Take your head out of the oven my friend, it's on it's way. Even better is ordering stuff to your work. Nothing breaks up the monotony of a dreary work day like that hot UPS guy Raul sauntering into your office and plopping down a new sweater or the the latest installment of NOW That's What I Call Music!

*You can order anything online. The Internet is like one giant store that sells everything and most times for cheaper than what you'd find in your old brick and mortar store. Groceries? Bingo. Living in Chicago and not having a car, Peapod is invaluable. That's right, having others deliver your groceries isn't just for invalids anymore. Need an ALF costume on the fly? Well, unless you live in Mankato you're probably shit out of luck. Wait, Costumes Galore in Mankato delivers anywhere in the US? Somebody is gettin' laid tonight and that person hails from Melmac.

*You like to "try stuff out" eh? First off, if you're a dude you should know your clothing sizes already, so scratch that. Everything else can abide by the 'Borders Rule' (not to be confused with the Lindsay Lohan/Jane Fonda dramedy Georgia Rule). That being, I'll go into Borders, not giving a s-h-i-t. Great little place, full of knowledge and horned rimmed glasses. But I won't buy books there. God no. I go there, get some ideas and then go buy the books at Amazon for significantly cheaper. I don't think I've ever found a book cheaper in the store than on Amazon.

This doesn't just go for books. Electronics. Go to the store, try some shit out and then tell the sales guy to kiss his commission goodbye when you go online and shop around for the best deal. Bingo. Bongo. Cunnilingus.

In conclusion, brick and mortar shopping is pretty much for losers and the Amish. That would be like me handwriting this post and sending it to everyone I know instead of just posting it online.

Only 7 shopping days til Christmas. Plenty of time to get that cheese and sausage tray delivered to Grandpappy. Take heart in the knowledge that you won't get trampled on the way out of Walmart.

War Hero: Hair Metal

What happened to rock and roll?

Seriously, where did it go? And when is it coming back?

Most of what passes as "rock" today makes me shudder in disgust. Sure, anyone getting played on the radio is making much more money being a musician than I am (which is $0), but it doesn't mean I can't make myself heard. A quick look at the top rock songs in America comes up with a bunch of bands that are "just glad to be here" and will be forgotten in 5 years. Hinder? Saving Abel? Trapt? These are the guys making millions of dollars and touring the country?

Thanks, but no thanks. I'll stick with my hair metal bands from the 80's.

Now it may seem hypocritical of me to slam a lot of the current rock acts as mindless clones of one another without any staying power while at the same time throwing my support behind such timeless acts as Stryper, Winger and Ratt. After all, weren't most hair metal bands mindless clones of one another?

Well, yes. But at least they had personality.

When you compare the great hair metal bands of the late 70's and early 80's with most of the nu-metal/emo rock of today, hair metal comes out on top in every category. Both kinds of music may seem equally crappy to the untrained eye (ear?), but a closer look at why hair metal is so awesome will reveal why it is head, shoulders and hair above all other kinds of rock.

1. The Excess

Hair metal could not exist and flourish in any other time than the late 70's and 80's, when excess was king. If you didn't live at the time, go read American Psycho or watch Wall Street to really get a feel of why excess was king during those years. More was better, and nothing reflected this better than hair metal. Your band dresses funny? My band is going to dress even funnier. You use 3 bottles of hairspray a night and wear tight leather pants? My hair will be bigger and my pants will be even tighter! Hair metal was all about taking what other bands were doing at the time, and not just one-upping them, but sometimes 5-to-10-upping them. It was all about who could play the longest solos, who could fingertap the fastest, who could play the longest setlist.

And the action wasn't confined to just onstage. Bands would become legendary as stories spread about how many groupies they could bang or how many drugs they could ingest without dying (or if they did die, how long they could be 'legally dead' before being revived by the paramedics). All of this sound good to you? Pick up The Dirt if you haven't already. It takes a lot to make me feel queasy, but just reading about the amount of drugs Motley Crue ingested in their heyday was enough to make me feel ill a few times during this book.

2. The Live Shows

So who wins from this constant game of "Anything you can do, I can do better"? The fans, of course! With live shows getting more and more outrageous just to keep up with the times, fans would pack arenas and not know exactly what they were going to see, but having a pretty good idea that it would probably blow their minds. And they were right most of the time. From pyrotechnics and flame jets 3 stories tall to levitating and spinning drum kits to epic drug-fueled 20 minute guitar solos, you could go to 50 concerts a year and conceivably see something you've never seen before at every one of them.

With a lot of these bands taking so many drugs, there was always a decent chance they would take the stage late, if at all. And yet people would still fork over their hard earned money and wait in line for days to see these bands because their live shows were just that good. Most of the time, the live performance and spectacle was more important than the actual music being played.

3. The Mystery

There was no internet in every house in the 80's. There were no social messaging sites and no text/video messaging. So word about rock stars had to float out through mostly-underground rock magazines. More often than that, word would get around through word of mouth, which was like a giant game of telephone. And with the amount of depravity and excess going on anyway, some of these stories could get out of control fast. "I know a guy who goes to school with this guy who's dating my cousin and she said that this guy went to a Poison show 2 weeks ago and said that Bret Michaels set their drummer on fire during the encore. And the dude kept playing!" With these mythical stories of debauchery and anarchy growing and growing as weeks went on, people would love their favorite bands even more. They'd shell out more money to fan clubs and buy posters and wait in line for days longer just to get into their shows and see if this was all true. There was no TMZ.com to give you the truth. Most of these artists you saw only in posters and music videos, which is when they look the most badass.

4. Not Just For The Boys

While young males age 12-25 were probably buying up the most hair metal albums at the time, there were a lot of females that had posters of David Coverdale, Nikki Sixx and "Diamond" David Lee Roth on their walls. One of the biggest differences between rock music in the 80's and now is that modern rock music is stereotyped as being "just for boys". In this day and age, even female fronted rock bands like Flyleaf and Evanescence are seen as inferior bands, largely because they have girls in them. Remember The Donnas, the all-girl rock band from earlier this decade? They were dismissed as nothing but a joke by most even though their ability to rock was actually better than most of their contemporaries.

But in the 80's, not only were female rockers accepted, they were HOT! If you're anything like me, the first name that just popped into your head was "Lita Ford". Not only could she rock out, but she sang songs about partying, smoking and drinking just as much as anyone else, which made her the object of obsession by many a hair metal fan. If someone like that came out these days, they'd probably be lumped in with country music. Likes to drink and smoke? Loves to party? Acts like "one of the boys"? Sounds an awful lot like Gretchen Wilson to me.

The point is, in the 80's, it was more commonplace not just to see female rock artists, but female rock fans. I'm sure it had a lot to do with 80's metal band members being thought of more as sex symbols than modern rock artists. Guys and girls could enjoy taking in a Van Halen show.

Who's going to take their girlfriend to a Three Days Grace show these days?

5. Hair Metal Was More Fun

It just was. These days, rock songs are either all emo and whiny or dark and depressing. During the 80's, you had nothing but a constant stream of songs all about letting loose and having fun, sober or not. Pop in Poison's Nothing But A Good Time and give it a listen. You know what it's about? Having a good time! There are no hidden messages. There are no secret lyrics to a girl that broke up with you years ago. it's about going out and having fun with your friends. And even if you've spent all your money, you shouldn't worry because things will work out. Right now, just get drunk and have some more fun!

6. No Distractions

Another huge difference in the staying power of 80's hair metal bands versus today's rock bands is how people listen to their body of work. One of the things that always irks me about today's music industry is iTunes. I love how iTunes lets people get music instantly, but it's pretty much killed the "album" for many people. If you like a 3 Doors Down song, chances are you'll just buy the 1 or 2 songs you like off of iTunes, especially if you aren't familiar with a lot of their music. You might really like 3 Doors Down, but you'll never know because you only bought a track or two.

But in the 80's, if you liked Cherry Pie by Warrant, you had to go out and buy the Cherry Pie album. And if you've got the whole album, chances are you're going to listen to the whole thing. And let's not forget that these people were listening on records and cassette tapes. There was no track skipping, so chances are you'd be more inclined to listen to a whole lot of songs instead of hitting 'skip' after the single you wanted to hear was over.

The fact that 80's hair metal lives on today is a great sign. The people secretly yearn for it to make a comeback. Remember when The Darkness had that huge hit a few years back? Have you seen how many copies of the heavily-hair-metal-influenced Guitar Hero video game have been selling? People will continue to love Ratt, Warrant, Skid Row, Scorpions, Van Halen, WASP, Poison, Motley Crue, Quiet Riot, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister for years and years to come.

And for the rock music of the 2000's? I doubt we'll be seeing Dave Draiman of Disturbed on any VH1 reality shows any time soon. And that's the true measuring stick of success.

Workingman's War Hero: Marion Barber III

Look, if you're a Cowboys fan, I probably don't have much time for you. It's bad enough that you're a Midwesterner (or Californian) rooting for a Dallas team in football. Even worse is that the odds say you also cheer for the Lakers or Celtics in basketball, and the Red Sox or Yankees in baseball. Yeah, you're Bandwagon Boy.

I hate the Cowboys almost as much as Chaim Witz hates prophylactics, and that's saying something. But goddamnit, I saw something a few nights ago that made me respect them - well, that made me respect a player of their's. No, it wasn't Tony Romo. Sure, he's got a great story - small town boy goes undrafted and makes it big in the NFL, scores huge endorsement deals, and bangs celebrity gash that I could only dream about. Sorry Mr. Fancypants, it's not you. It's someone who talks quietly and carries a big stick, someone who knows what it's like to grow up with a chip on his shoulder. After all, life ain't easy for a boy named Marion.

Marion Barber III, MB3, The Barbarian. Jesus H. Christ, watching him run against Green Bay on Sunday evening made "it" move, it made a few drops of pee come out. Day-um, I hadn't see a dude bowl over defenders like that since Christian Okoye "made popcorn" out of hapless little men in Tecmo Super Bowl.

When the hell did this happen? Being a Hawkeye alum, I remember him killing us as a Minnesota Golden Gopher, splitting time with Larry Maroney. After leaving UM early to go pro, Barber was picked up in the 4th round by Dallas and was relegated to the role of a 3rd down back, or best case scenario, splitting carries with Julius Jones. Finally in 2007, Barber started seeing more carries and suddenly started leaving a trail of defenders in his wake, truly earning his nickname The Barbarian.

The amazing thing about his style is that he checks in at 6-0, 220 pounds, big for sure, but certainly no Brandon Jacobs or Jerome Bettis style behemoth bruiser relying on overwhelming size. As great as it is to watch (and there are plenty of highlights on YouTube), it's not just highlight tapes. Says Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce, "He's one of the toughest backs in the league to bring down even though he's nowhere near being the biggest. You can't tackle that guy high because he'll run you over and he has that great stiff arm.''

Yeah, about that stiff arm. Can you really classify it as a stiff arm, or should you call it an open palm kung fu punch? Who said the facemask doesn't protect? Barber's stiff arm is so brutal, that the NFL has cracked down on using it as a weapon, loosely dubbed 'The Marion Barber Rule'. What did Marion have to say about it?

"I didn't even know. I'm going to have to read up on it. So you can't stiff arm at all? What about the throat?"

Do quotes get much better than that?

Honestly, the dude is strangely similar to Walter Payton. Both are/were not big backs, but played physically to the point where they were administering the hit, both possess amazing strength, both do the little things like pass blocking that contribute to the offense, and both have gone about their business in a workmanlike manner. Somehow Payton was able to play at that breakneck pace for a long career. Barber is just coming in to his own and is only now getting the bulk of the carries in Dallas. Whether or not his body can hold up to years of punishment is obviously yet to be seen. Yet for myself, and fans of the NFL, we'd certainly love to see him be more of a Payton-type runner than a tragic figure like Earl Campbell, who made so many great plays, but was used like a rented pack mule and burnt out too quickly. Thankfully for Barber, he has a solid backup in Felix Jones to take some of the workload, which should allow for us to see Barber plow through defenses for years to come.

It's just too bad he plays for Dallas.

Can we make an exception to The Marion Barber Rule when it's used on defenders like Guy LeDouche?

War Hero: Mark Grace

In 1982, Ernie Banks became the first Cubs player to have his number retired. In 1987, Billy Williams joined him as the second. For sixteen years, the two flags with Banks and Williams' numbers, one on each foul pole, flapped in the Chicago breeze all by their lonesome. Then in 2003, Ron Santo's number 10 was rightfully added, followed by Ryno's #23 two years later. So who should be the next Cubs great to be considered for this great achievement? Keith Moreland?.....Derrick May?......Mike Harkey?.....Ty Griffin? Um, no.

How about number 17, Mark Grace?

Mark splashed onto the scene in 1988, taking over the first base gig for Leon Durham, whose thick glasses and love for cocaine were his downfall. Mark hit .296 his rookie season and finished second to Reds third baseman, Chris Sabo for National League Rookie of the Year, who surely swayed a few voters with his James Worthy-esque goggles. While Sabo quickly flamed out in the big leagues faster than he could say to his barber, 'Just a little off the top', Grace became a Cubs fixture at first base for over a decade.

Mark was known more for his consistency at the plate than for his power, hitting .303 lifetime, and .307 during his tenure with the Cubs. Mark is among the Cubs top ten all-time leaders in on-base percentage, runs, hits, total bases, doubles, runs batted in, bases on balls, and extra base hits. His highest ranking of all of those is doubles, in which his 456 two-baggers are second in franchise history to only Cap Anson. Mark was also well known for his glove work at first base. From 1992 to 1996, Mark won 4 Gold Gloves, only failing to do so in the strike-shortened '94 season, somehow losing to Jeff Bagwell.

Mark Grace was never really the main attraction at Wrigley. Throughout his time there, casual fans were usually enamored with the star power of Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson and in later years, Sammy Sosa. But Mark always managed to be a fan favorite of the Cub faithful. He was a man's man, who appealed to the blue-collar crowd in Chicago's meatpacking district with his no-nonsense scrappy play on the field, and laid-back, fun-loving personality off it. Mark was known for his love of partying, drinking and smoking, and is argued by some to have been a bad influence on young pitchers Kyle Farnsworth and Kerry Wood, as he introduced them to the Chicago nightlife. Oddly enough, Kerry Wood hasn't been any good since Grace left*. So one could surmise that the key to Kerry Wood making a return to form would be to drink and smoke more. And Kyle Farnsworth? Well he's just like a little kid that you leave at the mall on purpose or drop off at a foster home under the cover of night. But that's neither here nor there. Unlike Farnsworth, the late-night lifestyle never really affected Mark's play. He still went out there each day and got the job done on the field, hitting no worse than .280 in any season with the Cubs. Maybe Mark was just better at finding a good " slumpbuster" than Kyle was.

In 2000, Mark was hosed by the Cubs management, who failed to re-sign him despite claims according to Mark from Andy MacPhail that they were planning on it. After being left hanging for over a month, Mark was forced to look elsewhere for work, and much to the dismay of Cub fans, he signed with the Arizona Diamondbacks in December of that year. The loss of Grace technically marked the beginning of the Hee Suck Choi Era. Only problem was, Choi was a wet fart, so instead we were unfortunately stuck with the Matt Stairs-Fred McGriff-Eric Karros Era. Aside from Choi supposedly being "ready", it is said that a rift between Mark and Sammy Sosa also fueled his departure from Chicago. Let it be said Choi's crowning moment as a Cub was being nearly knocked unconscious when he slammed his head into the ground on a nationally televised game versus the Yankees, shaming his homeland. Meanwhile, Sammy Sosa has moved on and now owns multiple fighting cocks in the Dominican Republic.

I had the privilege of attending Mark's first series back in Wrigley with his new team. If there was bad blood between him and the management, it certainly never poured over to the fan base, as he was given a standing ovation during his first at bat in all three games that series.

In 2001, in his first season as a D-back, Mark finally got his World Series ring, as Arizona shocked the Yankees in seven games. While us Cubs fans sat there wishing it would've been with our team, you just couldn't help being happy for the guy. So now we're just stuck wondering what-if, and are left to watch "Taking Care of Business " if we want to see Gracie hit a World Series home run for the Cubs. Unfortunately that requires having to enduring 107 minutes of Jim Belushi, and I don't think many have the intestinal fortitude for that.

In 2006, Mark came back to Wrigley to sing the seventh inning stretch, which is hopefully a sign that tensions have died down between him and the Cubs. The departure of team president Andy MacPhail, who Grace claims shut the door on his career in Wrigley, brings hope for the remarriage. But I think the ultimate way to make amends and honor one of the team's greatest players in recent years would be to raise his #17 up the flagpole. Mark had a great career with the Cubs, and while it probably won't beckon the call of Cooperstown, it should definitely beckon the call of Wrigleyville. So raise a can of Old Style to ole' #17. Then drink it really fast and open another one. Gracie would want it that way.

"A slumpbuster is when you have to take one for the team. It's finding the biggest, nastiest, fattest broad, and you put the wood to her to come out of your slump. Also known as 'jumping on a grenade for the team'."

*TMS insiders have confirmed that smoking and drinking were part of Kerry's 2008 preseason workout. The closerbeard is a byproduct of said training.

War Hero/War Criminal: Adam Sandler

How many ballplayers have come and gone from our lives never really living up to their potential? Whether they're a high draft pick that never quite pans out or a player bursting onto the scene with a few All-Star appearances early and then fading into mediocrity, even the most casual baseball fan can probably name a handful of players that showed tons of potential only to underachieve for no real reason.

Over the weekend, I stumbled upon Happy Gilmore on USA. Despite the fact that it was edited for television, I stayed for most of the second half of the movie. I hadn't seen Happy Gilmore in about 4 or 5 years, yet I still found myself quoting along and laughing my ass off. As much as I was enjoying reliving a movie I had seen dozens of times as a teenager, I was disappointed that Adam Sandler hadn't done anything worth watching in many years.

It takes a special person to be considered both a War Hero and a War Criminal here at the Saloon, but Adam Sandler fits the bill perfectly. Let's take a look at his career.

The SNL Years
Adam Sandler was a fantastic cast member on Saturday Night Live and the environment fit him well. Sandler was always able to come up with funny bits that fit perfectly into 5-6 minute sketches and were over before they got too annoying. Who doesn't have fond memories of Sandler covering the week's events as Operaman, or dressing up as a girl in those GAP sketches? One of my all time favorite SNL sketches was Canteen Boy with Sandler and Alec Baldwin. I would say that Adam Sandler's Best Of SNL DVD ranks up there alongside the best of anyone else's.

Also, if you didn't own either They're All Gonna Laugh At You or What The Hell Happened To Me? then I don't even want to know you.

Move To The Big Screen
Sandler really started to shine when he left SNL and made the jump to the big screen. After smaller roles in Coneheads and Airheads, the pinnacle of Adam Sandler was reached in the back to back hits Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. I could recap these movies, but I think if you're reading this right now, chances are you've seen both of these movies several times. Who doesn't remember that friends listen to Endless Love in the dark or that Shooter McGavin eats pieces of shit for breakfast? I learned many things from these movies, like October is Nudie Magazine Day, eating 3 Cold Cut Combos a day can keep you strong and that Ms. Lippy's car (looks around suspiciously) is green. I dare you to watch either of these movies and not quote them over the next few days at work.

Also coming out around the same time was the underrated Bulletproof, making Sandler and one of the Wayans (I can't be bothered with looking up which one it was) the latest biracial duo to crack into the buddy cop-ish movie genre. I don't remember a whole lot about this movie, but I remember liking it. It was definitely a lot better than other "black guy meets white guy and forms an unlikely friendship" movies of the time, such as Money Talks (Charlie Sheen and Chris Tucker) and Nothing To Lose (Tim Robbins and Marin Lawrence).

And then Sandler became the Brad Lidge to comedy's Albert Pujols. Things got bad. Fast.

The Wedding Singer Debacle
I could write an entire piece on The Wedding Singer being a War Criminal of the highest order. Here's the top 3 things I hated most about this movie:

1. Drew Barrymore. Terrible. F.
2. The fact that there were about 7 soundtracks that came out for this movie. Most of these songs weren't even that good the first time they came around. Which brings me to my next point...
3. Here's the single worst thing about The Wedding Singer: it brought back the 80's. Sure, certain things about the 80's were always cool, such as GI Joe, NES and Skip-It. But right after The Wedding Singer came out, the 80's officially "came back" in a very annoying way. I Love The 80's wasn't too bad, but all of the sudden the 80's were not only cool again, but in your face and trendy in the worst way. Girls started walking around wearing shirts that said "Frankie Says Relax" on them. Everyone says that they've loved The Cure and Depeche Mode from the very beginning. Having an original Nintendo system was such a status symbol that their prices on eBay reached ridiculous levels. Did you hate the recent reboot of Knight Rider? Were you scarred for life by the reality show about the Two Corey's? Sick of the whole 80's comeback in general? It all started with The Wedding Singer.

It's All Downhill From Here...
I don't have to go into much detail about the stinkbombs Sandler dropped after the Wedding Singer when he switched from doing edgier PG-13 comedies to more teen friendly PG-13 projects. Just take a look at the "Murderer's Row" that came between 1998 and now:

The Waterboy
Big Daddy
Little Nicky
Mr. Deeds
Eight Crazy Nights
Anger Management
50 First Dates
The Longest Yard
Click
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry

I just threw up 6 times.

Now sandwiched into those movies were performances in Punch Drunk Love and Reign Over Me that were pretty well received. But you have to wonder if they only seem like good acting jobs just because it's not Sandler doing his usual shtick. In the case of Punch Drunk Love, for which Sandler received his only Golden Globe nomination, it could have easily been just the combination of a phenomenal director and a great script.

Sandler's upcoming You Don't Mess With The Zohan doesn't look like it's going to be the movie to bring Sandler back to stardom.

What Went Wrong?
Something I've noticed about Adam Sandler is that a lot of his movies are only as good as the supporting cast he has. Take a look at Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. Those movies were stacked with comedic talent, mostly from Sandler's SNL days. You can't really go wrong when you include Kevin Nealon, Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald, Bob Barker, Carl Weathers and Bradley Whitford in your movies.

Now look at all the movies that came after Billy Madison. That's when Sandler stopped putting talented comic actors in his movies and started sticking the same random unfunny dudes in each of his movies, like this guy...



...and this guy...



and whoever this guy is.



We can only hope that Sandler gets back to more dick and fart jokes and moves away from the more teen-oriented projects that he's been involved in (same with Will Ferrell). I really think that the problem is Sandler himself. If he got involved in an R-rated comedy, i think he could return to glory. Hell, most of his buddies were in the 2005 movie Grandma's Boy, and it was funny as hell. Let's hope Sandler takes a cue from that.

Until then, all we can do is pop in the occasional DVD of Happy Gilmore and laugh at the old man calling the shit "poop".

War Hero: Baron Davis

We here at the Saloon don't really pay much attention to basketball. Sure, we have a fantasy league going and even we have a good hearty laugh at the Sonics. But for the most part, we stick to baseball, football and that silly game where a bunch of guys run around a field and kick a ball back and forth and there's no such thing as stopping the clock. Wait...it's not a "field" is it? Isn't it called a "pitch"? I can't be expected to keep up with such nonsense.

With basketball not being such a high priority here at TMS, we sure do like to highlight basketball players for their achievements. From TMS 2008 Man of the Year, Manute Bol all the way down to Andrei Kirilenko, we seem to have sort of a love/hate relationship with the NBA and its players.

Continuing that trend, I bring you the latest War Hero of Thunder Matt's Saloon. This is a man that is changing the way the game is played. This is a man that can break your ankles on the court and tickle your funny bone off of it. This is a man that can grow a full beard in 3 hours.

This man is Baron Davis.

According to local legend, Baron Walter Louis Davis, a man so awesome, he couldn't be contained by just one middle name, grew up in Los Angeles, California. Sure, records may show that The Baron was delivered at a hospital by his mother, but I'd like to think that someone as awesome as Mr. Davis was delivered to us mere mortals in a different way. Remember that commercial where there's a basketball on a court and it's raining and then all the sudden, Kevin Garnett busts out of the basketball all covered in Gatorade? That's how I like to imagine Baron Davis being born. He was hatched from a basketball. And he had already grown a full beard.

Growing up, the exploits of Baron Davis on the basketball court were the stuff of legend. By the time Baron was 8 years old, he was already 5'3 and could dunk a volleyball. On his 10th birthday, Baron woke up, bench pressed 225 lbs. 52 times, shot 687 consecutive 3-pointers, had breakfast, and punched Saddam Hussein in the throat, for no other reason than to show himself how truly awesome he was. By the time he hit Jr. High, he was already beating Michael Jordan at 1 on 1, Battleship, blackjack and Uno. The Baron finished 8th grade by playing in the Goodwill Games as his own team, 1 player against 5. He placed second.*

*NOTE: Everything in the previous paragraph may have been completely made up.

Baron continued to blow away the competition in high school, where he was a scholarship player for Crossroads School in Santa Monica. You thought scholarships were only for college students, didn't you? Well not for this man-child. Baron walked the halls of Crossroads with many other soon-to-be-famous kids. He was classmates and best buddies with Kate Hudson. I can only assume that since she was in the presence of Baron for more than 2 minutes that they hooked up at least a few times. No one can resist the pull of The Baron.

High school competition proved to be no problem for Baron. He was named the 1997 Gatorade Player of the Year and was a McDonalds All-American. Despite being the shortest player in the field, he wound up winning the slam dunk contest over fellow crazy people Elton Brand, Larry Hughes and Ron Artest.

After blowing away the competition in high school for 4 years, some thought he would skip college and go straight to the pros. Others wondered if the NBA would approach him about skipping the pros and inducting him directly into the Hall of Fame. But being a humble man, Baron decided to go to college, spurning offers from Kansas and Georgia Tech to attend hometown UCLA. Again, Baron's competition was not up to snuff, as he easily captured Pac-10 freshman of the year honors.

Baron got so bored with college competition that he purposefully blew out his ACL in the 1998 just to see if he could come back and dominate. He did, and being so bored with college competition, he made the jump to the NBA and was the 3rd selection overall to the Hornets in 1999.

Davis' time with the Hornets was solid, but unremarkable. They went to the playoffs a few times, but Baron wanted out. If he was going to blow up as a star, Baron needed to be on a team as crazy in the head as he was. And if you want crazy, there's only one place for you: Oakland!

The Baron was shipped off to the Golden State Warriors, where he helped mold a team that was as crazy as he was. He and Jason Richardson laid the foundation, and loco head coach Don Nelson was brought in to run this crazy train. Things were going ok for the Warriors, but things weren't insane enough for Baron. to take the crazy factor up to a brand new level, the Warriors took Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy, who Baron may or may not have referred to as "honkeys" and shipped them off to Indiana. Apparently, the Warriors had their best interests in mind, as everyone knows white people feel most comfortable in the Midwest. In exchange, the Pacers sent Al Harrington and Stephen Jackson to the Warriors, assembling the most off-the-wall team in recent memory. The Warriors played reckless basketball that was genius at times and a trainwreck at others, and Baron was the field general. With their unorthodox "What the hell is defense?" style of play, the Warriors made the playoffs on the last day of the regular season as an 8 seed, lined up to play against the historically-good Dallas Mavericks.

Playing with their crazy, frenetic undersized game, with a big boost coming from their home crowd at Oracle Arena, Baron grew the greatest playoff beard known to man and led the Warriors past the Mavs in the biggest upset in NBA Playoffs history. And while the Warriors fell to the Jazz in the second round, Baron Davis will always be remembered in playoff lore for spiking one of the nastiest dunks in NBA history down on Kirilenko. There are 2 clips I found that are both equally as good (Here and here). The best part of the second clip comes at the end, where Adonal Foyle makes the "Damn, that's nasty!" face. And keep an eye out for Stephen Jachson coming over to brush Baron's shoulders off for him.

And don't fear. The Baron is up to it again this season. Right now, the Warriors are holding steady as the #8 seed in the West. They're probably shooting for that spot to take out another #1 seed in the playoffs again.

But as great as Davis is on the court, it's off the court where he really becomes a War Hero. Much like Gilbert Arenas, Baron Davis is a goofy, quirky dude. But unlike Arenas, Baron is slowly taking over the internet in a series of hilarious videos and sites. Want to see Baron Davis rollerskating around for 3 minutes wearing what looks like a women's tanktop? Check it out here. Ever wondered what it would be like if Baron Davis worked at a McDonalds for a day? Wonder no longer! Baron Davis is so awesome that even David Blaine watches in amazement.

Baron even keeps a blog, where he uses phrases like "Boom in the Yard!!" I have no idea what that means, but I've already used it twice today and everyone within earshot pulled out their wallets and handed me money. Seriously, every entry is a little slice of Heaven. YOu have to love a guy that will start off a blog entry with " It's me, BD, Boom Dizzle, Diddy Boom, and I'm back in the Yard." So now you'll never have to wonder what Baron Davis is up to at Christmas. He'll just tell you:

Merry Christmas to all. Glad we got those two days off. Practiced on Christmas but I needed it because I ate everything. Yams. Greens. Mac n cheese. Fried chix. Corn bread. Sweet potatoe pie. All yumminess. LOL. Got some nice gifts but most importantly I got to spend time with my mom! Wish yall safe holidayz and a safe new year. ill holla...

And for those of you who are clamoring to know what Baron's top movies of 2007 were, you can check that out too.

So whether he's defeating Communists by slam dunking them back to the Napoleonic era on the court, or skating around and attending movie premieres off it, Baron Davis is changing the game of basketball. His skill and sense of humor make him very easy to root for. And he (might have) hooked up with Kate Hudson. And once, he scissor kicked Angela Lansbury.* But one thing he never did was choke his coach during a game. And for that, he's probably the best Golden State Warriors player of all time. And he's my hero.

And he loves his grandma.

*Again, probably didn't happen.

The many faces of Baron Davis. Each of them more awesome than the last.