So You Don't Have To: Arby's Gyro

Earlier this week, Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan requested that someone in the TMS crew eat an Arby's Gyro. Never one to back down from an "eat this weird thing" food challenge (seriously Ben, I will get to your pizza request), I stepped up to the plate. I thought I was prepared for this, but I forgot it was Arby's. Those sons of bitches always have a SHOCKING TWIST up their sleeve.

I figure the easiest way to do this is to do this is to take their own description of the gyro and just go through point by point:

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s. Our classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita.

Way to set the bar high Arby's. It's like I'm already in Athens, only with less fascism, smog, and crippling unemployment. Before I begin though, I feel obligated to let you know there was a guy with a Make America Great Again hat eating there...because of course there was. Let's go!

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.

I do consider myself an adventurous eater in that I'll try pretty much any food I find at least once, but this is a god damn Arby's. There's only one of them in every shitty town on the interstate in this country. That doesn't require a lot of adventure. As far as being interesting, well probably at one point maybe I was but I'm in my mid thirties now and just marching towards my inevitable doom like the rest of you slobs. To prove it, I just had lunch at Arby's.

Our classic thinly sliced roast beef...

Well yes. This certainly is Arby's thinly sliced roast beef on a gyro. If you're one of those "no red meat" people (eyeroll), they have a turkey option for you! AUTHENTICITY

...is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes...

Shredded iceberg lettuce to entice Bud Norris, raw red onions because those are always a hit, and the same never quite ripe slices of tomatoes you've come to expect from a fast food sandwich.

...cool creamy tzatziki sauce...

Alright. Let's linger here for a minute. Like with any food, there are varying degrees of quality to tzatziki sauce. Some are well seasoned and perfectly compliment the sandwich, while others taste like someone put mayo and cucumber in a blender. This is neither. It exists somewhere on its own plane. There isn't much of it on the sandwich, which is for the best because it's runny like my poop is sure to be after this digests and tastes like they may have just watered down some ranch dressing they had on hand.

...and authentic Greek seasonings...

Authentic Greek seasonings = a light dusting of some parsley and salt mixture.

...all hugged by a warm pita.

I think we can all agree hugged is a weird verb choice there. We've all experienced one and I don't think any of us thought of pita bread. As far as the quality of the pita, this particular Arby's used to be a Taco Bell and the pita bread may just be leftover gordita bread they found when they moved in.

How does it all come together? Strangely. The "tzatziki" and pita bread combine to somehow make the sandwich taste like it has cheese on it even though there isn't any. So imagine how unpleasant and weird a gyro with cheese might taste and then remember there is no actual cheese on it. The roast beef as gyro meat was just lumped on there in the same half-assed way they lump it on their regular sandwiches and every bit as unsatisfying. By the end, I was contemplating dousing the thing in Arby's Sauce so I could get to the end, but I powered through. I don't ever want to eat this thing again and I will curse Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan for the rest of my life.

Final Grade: F

Thank god Pepos' internet got shut off so he doesn't have to see this abomination.

TMS Beer Project: Shock Top Belgian White

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Shock Top Belgian White

Brewery: Shock Top Brewing Co. Anheuser-Busch

Type: It thinks it's a Belgian Style Wheat

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle someone brought to my house and left here.

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 5
All 5 points go to the fact that I can drink it with ease.  No points go to the fact that this is the shittiest excuse for a Belgian White I've ever had. Maybe a small bit of citrus detected but the coriander is non-existent.  Did they just waft a bowl of coriander over the top of the brewing tank and call it good?

Look I don't like to get all beer snob with these but for fuck's sake look at the label in the photo.  If you advertise coriander, you better deliver some god damn coriander.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 4
Hearty? If Karen Carpenter was a bottled beer, this would be it.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 5
It's 5.2% so I suppose it'll get you drunk, if I chose to drink more of this shit.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Jim Edmonds.  Fucker is probably sucking one back now.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: As far as six packs of "microbrews" go, I don't think it's too terribly expensive, but why the fuck bother? If you really want this beer then go get some Goose Island 312, or even some Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat. I cannot tell you enough how incredibly not good this beer is.

Overall: 2
This beer is as phony as the crappy "microbrewery" that makes it. I have a hard time liking much of anything in St. Louis, and Shock Top certainly doesn't help matters.  If you must drink St. Louis beer then I wholly endorse the fine brews from Schlafly. Check those out instead of this pee water.

TMS Banter: the Food Edition

Over the past week, the Saloon has been a-buzz about food. And why not, we all enjoy eating, right? While I have been absent for most of the conversations, I thought I would weigh-in on my prospective, and give our readers something of a behind the scenes look into the brilliance behind the minds of the Saloon. So I give you the food topics, that TMS may or may not endorse.

Sweet Corn

Oh, how the battle has raged on about sweet corn in the Saloon. You see, Chip Wesley lives in Iowa. He claims that Iowa has the best sweet corn. I counter that Iowa stands for "Idiots Out Walking Around" so his argument has no validity. As most of our readers are presumably from Illinois, I assume that you think you have the best sweet corn, and you would be correct. And then we have Adam Blank, from California, who thinks his sweet corn is the shit. Sorry Adam, just like you think your air is breathable, your governor isn't a pot-smoking, juicer martian, and that only YOU can prevent forest fires, you would be wrong.

I come from DeKalb, IL. If any of our readers have gone to school at NIU, you know about Cornfest. The annual festival that occurs the weekend before school opens features such interesting events such as a 10K run, a dunk tank, washed-up 80s bands, and of course, the Corn Boil. Yep, every year Del Monte donates tens of thousands of ears of corn to be boiled up by an antique steam engine and served for FREE to thousands of customers on Saturday and Sunday morning.

As a kid, Cornfest was the highlight of the year. Of course I had never been to actual festivals like the Sandwich Fair or the Scandinavian Day Festival in Elgin. No we had Cornfest. Until I was 14 and went to Six Flags for the first time, I thought the Gravitron was the biggest ride ever. Of course, I also thought that beer was paid for in tickets and the Jefferson Starship was the greatest touring band of all time. Some highlights we also indulged in was the shish kabobs by the weird Greek stand, the elephant ears (fried dough covered in sugar and cinnamon) by the Jaycee's, buying a new pair of Umbro soccer shorts (to of course cover my neon yellow bike shorts I would wear underneath) at Chiltons, and of course the corn.

Fuck your fancy Mexican grilled corn, covered in cilantro, Cotija cheese and lime. You can go to hell roasted sweet corn with horseradish butter. And screw the South and their fried corn. The best corn in the world is and always will be corn from the DeKalb Cornfest Corn Boil. Pure and simple corn, the way nature intended. Steamed and boiled in a huge vat of sulphuric and lead infused DeKalb water straight from fire hydrant, and then completely immersed in a tub of drawn butter, if you didn't get at least two cobs you would be immediately labeled a heretic and quartered in the town square.

So as they say in DeKalb, "Come for the corn, stay for the...well, you can leave then, because we got nothing else for you."

Goreos

I missed out on the hilarity of the Goreo thread this week in the TMS Saloon as I was swamped at work covering for my vacationing boss, but apparently Goreos have been named the Official TMS Snack. So what's a Goreo you are probably asking yourself (as was I). The Goreo is the nickname for the Golden Oreo (which is apparently the nickname for something far worse). With Obama in the office, racists are popping out of the woodwork like Hines Ward at Buttery Hand Convention. I like to call them Republicans. With the influx of these Republicans, the makers at Nabisco noticed a drop in the sales of Oreos. Presumably these Republicans don't like anything black. And so was born the Golden Oreo, a vanilla wafer with the traditional white cream filling. Perfect for those who hate Obama and other Oreos.

In August of 2009, Nabisco also introduced the Double Stuffed Golden Oreo. This is made for overstuffed Republicans, mostly who congregate in the Southern regions of the country. And what better spokesmen for the Double Stuffed Goreos than the most recognizable hicks of the nation, the Manning Brothers...and that rich dude with the bad hair. YOU'RE FIRED! Not content with these commercials, I traveled back in time to when I was 14 and made my own Goreo commercial, which can be seen here. Buy 'em, you jack ass!

Cool Ranch Doritos

At Chaim's office (AKA, the Crew Bar and Grill), someone did an event where they had to use a bunch of mini-bags of chips. So for a week they had a shitload of leftover bags of Cheetohs, Doritos, Lays, Fritos and Cool Ranch Doritos. Almost all the chips were eaten, except for basically all of the Cool Ranch Doritos. An informal, and very scientific poll was taken and 63% of TMS bartenders (and interns) still enjoy the taste of Cool Ranch Doritos. Cool Ranch is the second longest running flavor of Doritos, obviously behind the traditional Nacho Cheese. For a short time Frito-Lay jumped on the "X-treme!!!" bandwagon and changed the name to Cooler Ranch, but soon changed it back.

Cool Ranch Doritos are the traditional snack of stoners, which would explain why no one at Chaim's work likes them, I hear their drug of choice is ecstacy and poppers. While I scoured the internet for the ingredients of Cool Ranch Doritos and why they taste so damn good, nothing particular popped out as a key ingredient as to why these chips are any different from the regular Nacho Cheese version. One site guesses that Cool Ranch are basically corn chips covered in Hidden Valley Ranch powder. One ingredient that I did find interesting was "natural flavors". You see, if a company puts a very small percentage of an ingredient, or that ingredient is part of a secret recipe, it can be vague about said ingredients. Upon further investigation, it turns out that Frito-Lay might be trying to trick the Jews and Muslims.

According to Wikipedia:
"Frito-Lay's website states that they use enzymes from pigs (porcine enzymes) in some of their seasoned snack chip products to develop "unique flavors". The presence of pig-derived ingredients makes them non-kosher for Jews and haraam for Muslims to eat."

Not being Jewish or Muslim, I am free to indulge in as many Cool Ranch Doritos as I please, although I prefer a much unhealthier snack, the Death By Processed Cheese (see below).

Cheese Puff, Nacho Cheese and American Cheese Slice, this can't go wrong.

As you can see, with the Cubs out of the playoff hunt and the Bears yet to play a regular season game, the conversation at the Saloon gets pretty interesting. Won't you join us?

Bear Down!

War Hero: Lime Juice

A few weeks ago, an old friend and I were tying one on at the pub after not having seen each other in over a year. Toward the end of the night, the poor bastard developed a standard drunken case of the hiccups. I chuckled at his misfortune, but he waved off my laughs and said he would fix the problem quickly. The typical cures went through my head; holding your breath, chugging water, masturbating to a Patton Oswalt stand-up routine on CD. Which way was he going to solve his dilemma? By the time I asked myself this question, he was at the bar ordering a shot. Naturally confused, I asked him what his liquor of choice was. "Not liquor, lime juice". He threw down his sour shot, and immediately his hiccups were gone.

Last weekend I was out late and, toward closing time, met the same fate as my friend. Remembering his cure, I made a beeline to the bar. The barkeep honored my request, and at no charge! I threw back the shot, and I will be damned if my hiccups didn't immediately vanish. I am now a firm believer in the lime juice.

Most purveyors of fine alcohol know that lime juice is a vital ingredient in a proper margarita. But aside from margaritas and cooking, I didn't know that lime juice was good for anything else until now. My curiosity piqued, I decided to check the vast Internets for other uses of lime juice. I was pleasantly surprised with the results:

• Lime juice prevents AIDS! According to an article in National Geographic, "...flushing the vagina or washing the penis with lemon or lime juice just after sex could significantly reduce new infections". I'll be sure to pack some on my next trip to Kinshasa!
• Lime juice cures cancer -- overnight! Well, not lime juice alone, but according to this foundation, which may or may not be entirely reputable (I'm not really qualified to say), lime juice is a key ingredient to their overnight cancer cure.
• Lime juice enhances vision. Wikipedia informs us that Asian martial artists squeeze a drop or two into their eyes, presumably pre-combat. Or maybe it's post-fight lime juice for the winner, and honor suicide for the loser (again, I'm really not really qualified to draw conclusions).

Lime may literally be more important that penicillin. A simple Google search will sprout up a host of other natural remedies using lime juice; kidney stones, headaches, dandruff, acne, jaundice, bad breath, menstrual flows, even addictions to vintage 1930's German pornography! I also have it on good word that this week's health care speech by President Obama before the joint session of Congress will simply consist of three words: "Lime juice, people".

Ultimately, this natural liquid wonder seems hellbent on proving that it is one of the most versatile items in your kitchen. The next time you sprain your ankle, get a blister, or contract an STD, try fixing it with lime juice first. It may even help you save money on that co-pay at the doctor's office.

Cubs Win! Time for Chili!

So the Cubs won tonight 4-1 against the Astros. We're still in the playoff hunt! Wooo! Yeah!....yea....ugh.... I got nothing.

This cooler weather just reminds me it's time for football which means it's time for chili. Thankfully our resident frat boy at TMS, White Chili shared with us the secret recipe for his world class Fraternity Chili.

- Buy 30 containers of Wendy's chili.
- Pour chili into large pot on stove.
- Pour in liberal amount of Jim Beam
- Let pot simmer for 40 minutes
- While simmering, listen to Creed's "My Own Prison" on full blast
- Angrily masturbate into a dirty tube sock
- Take a swig of Jim Beam
- Sob into your pillow for 5 minutes
- After sobbing, tell yourself "I'M A MAN! STOP CRYING!"
- Angrily hatefuck pillow
- Take another swig of Jim Beam
- Chili should be ready
- Pour chili into large popcorn bowl
- Sit in easy chair
- Eat large bowl of chili while watching SpikeTV or Versus until you finish or pass out

Rockies in 6!

Killer Peanuts: Proving One More Time A Black Man Was Wrong

This past Thursday through Sunday I traveled to Denver to help crew the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk. It was a nice and unexpectedly enjoyable break from the drain of everyday life. Although I was forced to give up on luxuries like flushable toilets, alcohol, smoking, television, internet, and the Cubs (the last I honestly didn't miss that much), I did get to spend a few days with some pretty remarkable women getting together to support a good cause. It was a little like I would imagine Lillith Fair to be like (I spent 3 days around 700 women, often in different stages of undress and still did not touch one boob) except the crowd was a little older and less hippy.

But that's not what I'm here to write about. Before the plane ride home as the flight bitches (that's the PC term right?) were giving there usual safety shpeel, they included one little nugget that sent me off like Milton Bradley on a close called strike three. Apparently someone on the plane had a peanut allergy and therefore they would not be serving peanuts on the flight.

WTF!?! I imagine if George Washington Carver was alive today, he would be forming a posse with the ACLU to sue not only the airlines, but basically every other social setting imaginable. Up until a couple years ago, I had never even heard of peanut allergies. But today, peanuts are like the new anthrax. Schools have banned serving peanuts or peanut butter. Huge warning labels warn me that products may contain peanut dust. Last year Safeco Field in Seattle introduced a peanut-free zone in their parks.

Yes, folks, the terrorists have won.

But my story doesn't end there. While apparently peanuts are now considered weapons of mass destruction, airlines have started to allow those little fucking lap dogs onto the planes.

Seriously you rich fucks, go fuck yourselves in your fucking asses.

If there is one thing that is more annoying than a baby crying in my ear for 4 hours it's a fucking inbred miniature poodle barking. That's not the half of it. I have allergies too. No one asked me when I got on the plane whether or not I have an animal dander allergy and if I wouldn't mind sneezing and having watery eyes the entire flight. Granted, I probably won't die from this allergy, but I might be sent to jail for a really long time when I jump out of my seat and strangle your little "Bubbles" to death for making me want to cut my own nose off.

So now I have two more people to add to my list. People bringing dogs on the plane and those with peanut allergies. Did you know that more than 5 times the amount of people died in airplane accidents last year than peanut-related deaths? You're all worried about death? Don't fucking fly. In the meantime, I would like to enjoy my little bag of four stale, honey roasted peanuts. Three of which I will eat and the last to make your dog eat, hoping he chokes on it and dies.

Bear Down.

The Bachelor Diet

With the wife out of town for a week, I've been forced to fend for myself in the kitchen. Normally I'm quite adept at cooking a decent meal, or at least one consisting of a meat, a veg, and a starch. Cooking itself is no more difficult whether or not a female companion is present, but as the work load entirely falls on one person for seven days, laziness takes precedent. Below is my bachelor diet for the week, from last Saturday through this coming Friday. May God help my digestive system.

Saturday: The wife left me with a 30 pack of Coors Light, a choice cut of filet mignon, and five red potatoes. I feel like I'm on Chopped. Facing an uphill battle to start, I opt for a late morning trip to Lowe's to look at blinds for the living room. This chore is rewarded by a visit to one of my many local Indian buffets. I sat alone and they didn't put out fresh rice in a timely manner. Sigh. Saturday night I treated myself to the fillet, along with the potatoes sliced up and fried in olive oil. It was a hearty meal, and coupled with the Cubs on the MLB Network, was very satisfying.

Sunday: I had to venture out and buy "real" groceries in the morning, lest I starve by noon. I won't list the deplorable items that I purchased, but you'll be able to ascertain much of it from the rest of this post. The noon PST Cubs game was greeted with a DiGiorno's supreme pizza. Well, only half of the pizza.

Normally on Sunday's, the wife bakes some kind of treat; cookies, apple crisp, fresh granola, etc. I decided to be domestic and take this task on myself. I found an oatmeal chocolate chip recipe and went to town. I must say, it wasn't that difficult. The end result was a bit fluffy and dry (perhaps I should have used more butter or less oatmeal), but I was quite pleased with my sexual baking prowess. So what did I have for dinner on Sunday? Why, the other half of the frozen pizza of course. Brant Brown 1, Healthy Diet 0.

Monday: My standard lunch is some sort of pita (usually turkey) with Sun Chips and a green apple. This week I chose Black Forest Ham and swiss cheese. Lunch is a planned staple for the week, so we won't dwell any further on it. Dinner was a regular damned adventure though. I've taken a liking to making my own tandoori chicken lately, so I let a chicken breast marinade and then tossed it on the grill. To accompany it? Why, a half bag of Ralphs brand frozen tater tots of course. Nice and crispy tots of course, accompanies with spicy mustard and peppercorn ranch dressing. I am the epitome of health.

Tuesday: I was a bit pressed for time last night and didn't have time to cook two things. I seasoned a New York strip steak and tossed it on the grill. Side dish? Kettle chips. You know what bums me out? They don't seem to make unsalted Kettle chips anymore. I liked the unsalted variety. Reminds me of the old days, when Ma had to use all the salt to keep the meat fresh. We didn't have the luxury of sparing any salt for the potatoes.

Wednesday: Tonight I plan on eating the other half of the tater tot bag, along with a black bean burrito. We have fresh tomatoes outside, so I'll dice one of those for the burrito, along with some shredded cheese. Low carb diets can kiss my lily-white ass.

Thursday: I picked up a box of Stove Top stuffing at the grocery store. I'll likely eat that, and that alone, as there will be no more fresh meat in the house. The laziness will have set in. I already know that I won't be able to bring myself to visit the grocery store again, since what I have only needs to last me through Friday.

Friday: Understanding that the tapeworms will already have the best of me, I'm planning on eating the fail safe item that's been in the cupboard for months. Yes, the box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I will keep telling myself that it's OK, that I deserve to fall off the nutritional wagon from time to time. I will also probably cry myself to sleep that night, vainly clutching at the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that have become my only true friend throughout the ordeal.

The Hell's Kitchen Drinking Game

I was going to do a Drunk Blog about the season premiere (actually 2 episodes) of Hell's Kitchen last night, but I ran into a technical difficulty, namely, I don't have a laptop computer so I can't watch the show and write a blog post at the same time. So I did what any good blogger would do, I drank a shit load of Smirnoff (neat, of course) and I took notes. Unfortunately, taking handwritten notes while drinking and having the handwriting of a doctor combined with a two year old has left me with 10 scraps of paper of pure gibberish. And so we go by memory.

As expected, the "chefs" for this season suck at cooking. The Red Team (girls) took 11 times before getting the first appetizer correct. Fancy pants Melinda went through enough pasta to feed Italy for her appetizer before she got it right. The Blue Team didn't do much better, as 3rd generation Chef and Diner Owner Louie goes through lamb chops like it was an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for Andre the Giant. Chef Ramsay sent Louie home before the end of service, only to bring back Fatty McRobert, who had to left last season because his weight problem forced him to quit for health reasons. Guess what, he's still a fatty. He goes to the Red Team though, after Melinda, who cooks for rich fucks on their yachts, was eliminated.

Oh, and we already have some of our "key" players, including our token gays: Tenille (or Whoopi Goldberg in disguise) and Tony from Chicago, who somehow manages to get a reference to sticking things in his mouth into every interview he has. We also have Van, who almost fights JP the Maitre'd in the first episode and Bad Ass USMC Joseph, who at the end of the second episode challenges Chef Ramsay to, "take it outside". Then we get the "To Be Continued", followed by what looks like firetrucks and ambulances in what can only be a Columbine type massacre. What will happen next week? I'm sure it's not nearly as exciting as you think...or care.

So what can keep you tuned into Hell's Kitchen if you don't have an unusual obsession with reality cooking competitions like myself. How about making a drinking game out of it? Let's setup some rules.

1 drink for a bleeped swear word.
This alone will get you trashed, as I counted 59 bleeps throughout the first episode alone. That's more than one bleep per minute, if you take out the commercials, so I would recommend not watching from your DV-R.

1 drink per contestant crying in an interview.

3 drinks per Chef Ramsay throwing down undercooked/overcooked/shitty-looking food on the floor.

2 drinks per every time Tony makes a reference involving his mouth.

4 drinks for every time Van is going to "Fuck someone up"

1 shot for every animal reference by Chef Ramsay, as in "You stupid donkey"
The producers must have told him to not do this as much, as I counted only 1 reference the first two episodes.

These are your rules so far, hopefully I will be updating and making more rules as we go along. And for the record, the guys are 2-0 in challenges and 1-0-1 in service, unlike the past seasons where the girls pretty much kicked ass. I'm sure if there was more tail on the Red Team, we would see the producers helping out the Red Team to go on bikini trips around Cali, but as it is, I would rather see JP in a banana hammock than most of the girls in a bikini. Also, season 2 winner, Heather, is back as the Sous Chef for the Red Team, making her the most attractive girl on the Red Team unfortunately.

So in review: Louie and Melinda sent home. Fatty McRobert from last season comes back and is a girl. Joseph is on massive amounts of steroids and freaks out, so we don't know who goes home yet for episode two. Next episode will feature firefighters and people freaking out. And Chef Ramsay will be pissed, you fucking donkey!

Go Cubs!

Hell's Kitchen is Back, You Donkey!

Tonight marks the sixth season of Hell's Kitchen, one of my favorite shows on tv. The greatest thing about Hell's Kitchen is even though it's a cooking game/reality show, it really doesn't focus much on the actual job of cooking. Plus you've got Gordon Ramsay, probably the most pissed off person on the face of the planet. If Gordo ran the Chicago Cubs, they would have only 3 players: Ted Lilly, for his unflappability and his murderistic stare that would even scare Ramsay; Koyie Hill, because even though he cut off most of his fingers on one hand, he still came back less than a year later; and Derrek Lee, because, well, Gordon is afraid of tall black guys (see Rock, Season 3 winner). The rest would have quit, or been "You're fired." Oh, wait, that's a different show, you pathetic pig.

The second greatest part of Hell's Kitchen is that they get the most incompetent cooks and chefs alive to be on the show. Last season, Coi couldn't even cook a hamburger for one episode. A fucking hamburger, you donkey! Plus, they all think they are the shit, so arguments and fights between the contestants are always hyped up by the producers. Sure it's a little cliche, but it makes for entertaining television. So here are the contestants for Season Six.

First the Red Team, or the ladies:

Amanda is a 27 year old Sous Chef who has been cooking for 3 years. Her nickname is high school was "Rodman". She went to a real culinary school and is one of the actually attractive female contestants (for chefs, anyways), which will of course piss off Chef Ramsay.

Tek has been a Line Cook for 9 years. She must suck, because usually in 9 years, you move up in your job. Tek is also a self-proclaimed member of the NYC punk scene. She's probably the gay one.

Ariel has worked as a Sous Chef for 8 years. She is also 27 (just like Amanda and Tek). Her bio is super boring and lists her grandmother as her inspiration for cooking. She will be the boring one that just flies under the radar.

Lovely is from Chicago, so normally would be my favorite. Except her name is Lovely and not Lovey. She is the "Executive Chef" at a children's camp, which means she might be able to cook hamburgers, but has no idea what fois gras is. She will be soon to leave, but not before trying to stand up to Gordon's rants.

Melinda is a Private Chef to rich people on yachts, which translates horribly to being a line cook. Plus she looks like she has a stick up her ass. She used to be part of corporate America, but decided she wanted to be more "creative". Now she puts caviar on crackers and calls it cooking.

Sabrina is a Restaurant Manager from Texas who works somewhere here in Phoenix. If she could cook, she would, instead she's a Manager. Enough said.

Suzanne is from Milwaukee and is the youngest female contestant, which will piss off Chef Ramsey. Hell, what doesn't piss that man off? She will probably stick around for a while because Gordo loves to give cutish, inexperienced girls a chance while yelling at their perky boobs.

Tenille just lost 100 pounds by cheating and getting gastric bypass. She will be the feisty black one that gets into with Chef Ramsey because as she proclaims in her bio, she is the greatest chef.

And in the Blue Corner (guys):

Andy is a 39 year old Owner and Executive Chef at his restaurant in Boston. He has published a cookbook and is an award winning BBQ competitor. Somehow he made it to Hell's Kitchen, as he is way over qualified and experienced. Andy is the front-runner for the winner.

Tony is a Culinary Store Manager living in Chicago. Why is Chicago getting the shaft on this show? Tony has a Flock of Seagulls type haircut so he might be the gay one. The gay ones always lose...and piss off Chef Ramsey.

Louis is a 45 year old, 3rd generation Cook and Diner Owner. He has spent all his life in the kitchen, so he might give Andy a run for his money. Look for the two to battle it out for the leader of the Blue Team.

Dave is an Executive Chef in California whose most notable accomplishments include hiking the Appalachian Trail. He can cook a mean can of beans, which will of course piss off Chef Ramsey.

Jim is a Sous Chef at some fancy restaurant in Nashua, NJ. He is self-trained and just like most of the females are under 35, Jim is over 35, just like the most of the guys. Looks like Gordo is setting up the guys for success, although Jim won't be a part of it.

Joseph is a former Marine who learned to cook in the service. Since he is well disciplined, he might not clash with Chef Ramsey, which will then piss him off.

Kevin is a fancy pants living in Connecticut, where he designs menus for his job, the country club, his high school, and college interns, who he lets blow him, even though he is married with a son.

Van is a young fish cook from Dallas, who actually has line experience, so might also do good on the show. That is until Chef Ramsey puts him on apps and Van pisses him off.

Show Info:

Tuesday nights will sizzle this summer when Chef Gordon Ramsay welcomes the nation's most talented and trained chefs yet to a sixth course of his unscripted series HELL'S KITCHEN.

Each week Ramsay grills the ambitious hopefuls, putting them through rigorous culinary challenges and testing them to see who can handle the pressure of a fast-paced kitchen where only the skilled survive. In each episode, Ramsay will eliminate one chef while the rest remain to fillet their way toward the grand prize of a Head Chef position at Araxi Restaurant in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada.

Canada eh?

Drunk blog to follow tomorrow morning!

Go Cubs!

Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part Two

I adjusted my list for the Underrated since my last post to include a couple more topics. However, since this post would pretty much be a novel if I included them all, and I still have to pick up Chaim's tuxedo pants from the dry cleaner (I accidentally picked up Chip Wesley's dry cleaning last night, no wonder it was shaped like a fairy princess dress) I moved a couple of the original items to Perfectly Rated.

Perfectly Rated:

Black Beans: Order them instead of refried beans. Tastier and healthier.
Mexican Beer: Corona is shit. But Negra Modelo is underrated, so it evens out.
Numero Uno: How can you go wrong with one beef taco, one beef enchilada, and one beef tostada, served with beans? Perfect staple menu item.

And so I bring you the Underrated:

Free Chips and Salsa.
Chips and salsa are far superior to rolls and butter. Period. Okay, your one exception is the Red Lobster Cheese Biscuit, but if you're that desperate, here's a tip: Go to Red Lobster, sit down and order your drinks. Wait for the rolls and then book out of there. Trust me, your stomach will thank you later. Anyways, the free chips and salsa are great for so many reasons. First off all, they are a tasty treat that is perfect for lining your stomach with the carbs it will need to soak up the grease and beer that will follow. In addition, the nachos are great for scooping up your beans (preferably black) when your meal does come. Plus, you can pour the salsa on top of your meal, adding that little something extra your double-steak chimichanga was missing.

Living in AZ, there are way more Mexican Restaurants to chose from than in the Midwest, and I actually will pick one over the other because of the chips and salsa. Here are some examples: Chevy's makes there own tortillas, hell, most places out here make there own tortillas. They even have cool machines or guys that are on display to prove to you they are fresh. Serrano's not only includes salsa, but also a spicy bean dip. And then there is Chuy's. Chuy's offers a full chip and salsa bar, with 5 different salsas to chose from. So skip the stale rolls and "fancy" churned butter. You know you want something salty and spicy instead.

Margaritas.
Where can a man go and enjoy a fruity, yet tart and refreshing alcoholic beverage and not get hit on by guys named Ken? That's right, the Mexican restaurant. Sure, I enjoy beer and whiskey just as much as the next heterosexual male that shaves his chest, but a man should have choices in life, alcohol included. Margaritas are like the nectar of the gods, especially on a 112 degree day when your shoes melt to the pavement before you even make it to the car.

Frozen or on the rocks, with or without salt, I don't give a fuck (actually I prefer frozen with salt, but I love anything slushy). Whoever figured out you could take a liquor as horrible and dirty as tequila and make it into a tasty beverage is a genius. If only "man-code" would allow me to drink these anywhere, but unfortunately when I'm walking around Hohokam Stadium with my $8 little green cocktail (Dos Gringos tent, center field grass area) I get those looks. And I'm not talking about from all the beautiful tail running around in skimpy Cubs bikinis. So thank you Mexican restaurants, for not questioning my sexuality.

Pollo Fundido.
Most of you are probably asking yourself, "Ginger, WTF is a Pollo Fundido?" It's probably because your idea of a Mexican restaurant has a .79, .89, .99 cent value menu. I kid, I kid. Honestly, I had never seen it on a menu when I lived in the Midwest either, so don't feel too bad. But really you should feel bad, because this treat that Taco Hell has yet to discover and turn into rat poison is a fat man's paradise.

Literally translated, Pollo Fundido means Chicken Something (I looked it up and the translator said fundido meant fade to black). Basically it's a burrito filled with shredded chicken and a mix of vegetables, from chiles to peppers to onions, and then deep fried. It's then topped with a cheddar/jack cheese, cream cheese and jalapeno mixture and baked in the oven till the topping is a gooey goodness. Top it off with some sour cream, some salsa and a black olive and you've got the best chimichanga you've ever had, son. Granted, it's not going be on your Jenny Craig's weight watchers menu at 585 calories and 31 grams of fat, but if you're looking for a belly buster at your Mexican restaurant, then order it up. And if they don't have it, just ask, maybe the cooks are from Mexico, or something.

El Pinche Restaurante.
Looking for a quick place for a bite during your lunch break and want some Mexican food but don't have the time and/or money for the whole waiter experience? Skip the Taco Hell and go across the street to that shady Mexican joint that has a whole pig skin, advertisements for phone cards and candles with the Virgin Mary in the window. Be warned, the menu board is probably going to be in Spanish so this is going to take a little bit of effort on your part, but don't worry or be scared, you racist bastard, it will be worth it.

First off, if you don't speak Spanish, just ask. Plus, there is a high probability the menu board will be covered with horrible photos of their food. They have everything that the Taco Hell has. Okay, so maybe they don't serve Volcano tacos, but it's pretty much the same fare, plus they have other great dishes you've probably never heard of. Just be careful to ask about the meat. In addition to the normal chicken, beef and pork selections, you may accidentally order stomach, tongue or even brains, which if you're up for a Andrew Zimmern adventure just might taste good. And here's another hint: these places make awesome breakfast "platos". If you've never had juevos rancheros, you're missing out. Personally I skip most of the greasy food and order myself a carnitas torta with avocado.

Tortas.
Speaking of tortas, here's another little known Mexican food secret that it's amazing Taco Hell hasn't bastardized yet. Basically a torta is a Mexican sandwich. It's served on a 6-8 inch crusty white bread roll called a bolilo, which is usually toasted on the flattop. You might be familiar with it's Cuban cousin, the Cubabo, which is made with roast pork, ham, swiss cheese and dill pickles.

But a torta can be so much more. Basically you pick your meat, which as I mentioned before can include almost any part of the pig, cow or chicken you want. Some of the more popluar versions include al pastor (marinated pork), carne asada (marinate steak), carnitas (fried tender pork), chile relleno (cheese-stuffed pepper), jamon (ham) and huevos (scrambled eggs). Then you pick your toppings which include avocado, sour cream, lettuce, jalapenos , tomatoes and cheese. I hear Wolter orders his with extra cilantro. Slap it on the grill for a minute and you got yourself a torta.

So what makes the torta so special? You know what, I haven't got a fucking clue. It's just great. Maybe it's because I'm used to eating Subway if I want a sandwich. It could be because the grill is perfectly seasoned. But the real reason, and I'm not being racist here, is that Mexicans know how to cook. Whether it's your corner-market taco stand, or the fancy French restaurant downtown, odds are that a Mexican is cooking your food, and if he is, it's more than likely it's going to be damn good.

Go Cubs!

Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part One

Without an idea to write about and my intern weekly post deadline growing near (yes, Chip Wesley, I will pick up your tuxedo pants from the dry cleaners still), I turned to a horrible first trip to Chipotle and one of my favorite TMS posts of yore as motivation for my next craptacular abortion. So here is Part I of Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants.

I give you the Overrated.


Table-side Guacamole
Honestly, up until a few years ago, I hated guacamole. It was texture thing, and avocado has a weird texture to me. When I finally came around I understood the tastiness of guacamole, but I never understood why it cost so much. I guess those fruits don't travel well. Living in AZ, this is not a problem, and I swear I never had a really good guacamole until I moved out West. The best way to compare it to someone who hasn't been west of the Mississippi is if you've ever eaten a tomato from your garden, and then compared that to one you just bought at the store. No contest. But I digress. Few restaurants still offer this table-side theater, as it's pretty much gone the way of the Caesar salad in Italian restaurants and saganaki (OPA!) in Greek restaurants. Because when it comes down to it, no one really gives a fuck how you make the guacamole. Sure, you can specialize your guacamole if it's being made in front of you (more cilantro please!) but shouldn't the restaurant be the one making the recipe. I mean, that is their job! So guacamole: good. But table-side, I'm not paying an extra couple bucks to watch you do your job, get back in the kitchen.

Mexican Salad Garnish
Stop wasting valuable beans and rice space on my plate with your stupid "salad". Yes, I am a fatty, and I don't have anything against vegetables, but does anyone ever eat that little corner of shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes that accompanies every meal you order at a Mexican Restaurant? But Ginger, "It's a garnish thing," you say. Well, then it's time it went the way of curly parsley. Look, your food isn't even really Mexican food. It's Tex-Mex. The taco, the burrito, the chalupa, do you think they were Mexican staples? No. So don't try to fool me by adding lettuce and tomatoes to my dish and calling it "classy". If I'm eating a greasy pile of carne asada tacos and bean enchiladas, I don't care if my plate is colorful. It's taking up valuable fat and calorie space.

Fried Ice Cream
How can you take ice cream and improve it? How about deep frying it and covering it with honey? Genius! Everything taste better fried. Exhibit A: Chicken Fried Bacon. Sure this dessert which spans both Mexican and Asian fare might seem like a tasty treat at the end of your greasy meal, but is dying for that treat worth it? If so, then go ahead. But if you want to live to eat another Pollo Fundido understand that to make fried ice cream you have to dip the ice cream in raw egg, which is then not cooked enough to remove the possible salmonella poisoning. Plus it's not even a good tempura batter like at a Chinese restaurant. Usually it's stale cornflakes. So keep your fried ice cream away from me, and while you're at it, stick your churros up your ass as well.

Menudo
To be honest, I've never had Menudo, so maybe it's actually good. And it's supposed to be a great hangover cure, which I could use many a Tuesday morning when I'm pulling a Wolter and calling in sick because of a Listerine and Binaca binge from the night before. But anything that involves cooking a part of an animal for an extended period of time (like 6-8 hours) just to make it edible is not good eats in my book. Plus the smell is horrible. So much so that I won't even venture near a Mexican restaurant on Sunday's. Which sucks, because that's the day that my hangover needs a greasy taco and hair-of-the-dog margarita to get me through the day the most. So GFY menudo, for making Mexican off-limits to me on Sunday. Oh, and the band sucked too.

Chipotle®
I had Chipotle last night for the first time and it was probably the most disappointing experience of my life, other than losing my virginity, although both ended up with me praying to the porcelain goddess afterward. I had heard so much about Chipotle. How great it was. How the burritos were the size of basketballs. How the salsa was the best ever. And this is probably true for 85% of the population whose closest competition is Taco Bell, but for me it was shit. Growing up in DeKalb, IL we had 3 different burrito joints. And that's all they did: burritos. Sometime during the late 90's they decided to all out-do each other. So within a couple months, you could order a 4 pound burrito that was twice the size of the one I got at Chipotle for half the price (usually around $4-$5), and didn't taste like a baby pooped in a soggy tortilla and covered it with baby puke sour cream.


Fish Tacos
Growing up in the Midwest, I had never heard of fish tacos. But since moving to the valley of the sun, I have noticed that they are everywhere. Every Mexican restaurant has some form or another, and if my 6 hours of watching the Food Network each night has taught me anything, it's that these California treats are sweeping the nation. At first, I was down. It was something new. But then I soon realized that really all I was getting was a small piece of breaded cod and some cole slaw in a mini tortilla. The only people who should be eating fish tacos are vegetarians, who are also probably munching on pink tacos as well.

Next installment, the Underrated, which will include: Free Chips and Salsa, Margaritas, Pollo Fundido, Black Beans, Mexican Beer and the Numero Uno.

Go Cubs!

Poor Man's War Criminal: Combos

A few weeks back I made what can only be described as one of the worst decisions of my entire life, and Lordy I've made a few. I purchased a bag of motherfucking Combos. What was I thinking? I was in a gas station, I was hungry and quite frankly, I panicked. For some reason I was under the assumption that I used to like them a long time ago.

It wasn't until I bit into the first one that I realized it was quite the opposite. I used to hate them, and like a 'Nam flashback, that first bite brought all the bad memories flushing back.

Oh sweet Jesus, come save me.

Combos have the appearance of a doggie treat and I have to imagine that 9/10 folks would prefer the doggie treat in a blind taste test. The pretzel ones are especially horrid and get the old gag reflex working like a shot of store brand tequila. I'm almost positive that what is on the inside doesn't qualify as anything even close to cheese and wouldn't pass FDA inspection.

After doing a little research on their official site, we learn that Combos is a longtime sponsor of NASCAR, their slogan is 'A Meal That's Not a Meal' (what the fuck does that even mean?) and that they're trying to market it as 'real man's snack'. Dammit Combos! They're clearly pandering to the uneducated and morbidly obese. This shall not stand.

So join me America, in saying No to Combos and Yes to Life!

Underrated: Hummus

Often times overshadowed by the popularity of salsa and ignored by racists, this Middle Eastern dish made from mashed chickpeas (better than dudepeas!) is a glorious dip-like substance that upon consumption renders you both worldly and content.

Popular dipping tools include pita bread, pita chips, and assorted cold vegetables. The key to good hummus is the addition of a little olive oil. This negates the healthiness of the dish, but ups the ante from merely a simple head nod and a "this is pretty good" to a couple of dick thrusts and a "oh my God, I'm leaving my wife."

Slowly gaining popularity in pretentious urban areas, hummus has yet to become overexposed like tableside guacamole, retaining it's street cred and slight air of mystery. There are many brands and a variety of flavors, although I've found you can't go wrong with Sabra's original along with some fresh pita bread. At a restaurant, it's always a solid appetizer option, as it's healthy, not too filling and gives credibility to your entree order. Hummus. Not quite a hummer, but still good.

Underrated: Hamburger Helper

There's been a lot of posts here of late espousing fancy recipes and cooking. I've got no beef with that, as I myself am the primary chef in my household. I enjoy cooking culinary delights as much as the next guy, but I feel there's also something to be said for simplicity.

As an income and time challenged American, sometimes there's nothing finer than whipping out a box of Hamburger Helper. It's perfect for nights when you don't have a lot of time to cook and when you're not craving an elaborate feast. It's pretty awesome to think that the ingredients for an entire meal are contained in one tiny box. And if you're craving variety, hell, they've got you covered. Mexican, Italian, and American dishes are well represented in the Hamburger Helper lineup. And just on the grocery shelves is the new addition, Asian Helper! Hell to the Yeah. I made Mongolian Beef for the wife and I the other night. Good stuff, people.

The best thing about Hamburger Helper is that any dope can make it. If you've mastered the basic principles of stirring, you too can make Hamburger Helper. And what meal is more unassuming? All they ask you to provide is dead cow! Maybe some water or milk. Unless you're a hobo, you either have or can easily obtain these ingredients. So tonight skip that gourmet meal, go down to the Pic N' Save and pick up a box of Hamburger Helper. Think how much more time you'll have to read Thunder Matt's Saloon and look for midget porn.

My Recipe Can Beat Your Recipe Up: Chicken Parmesan & Homemade Garlic Bread

With the sweet smell of romance and carnal passions still lingering in the air from Valentine's Day, I figured I would throw my lace panties into the ring and share this erotically charged recipe that I just cooked for the aforementioned holiday. Unlike some recent Pomp Culture forays into the food arena, this one will make women swoon and put some hair on your shaved chest. This recipe screams passion and desire, whereas Tarragon Carrots and Fried Rice scream serial killer and lonely despair.

This one is significantly more complicated and requires more pans, hands and rugged determination. Sack up (both figuratively and with groceries) and get ready to have your culinary world rocked. Gordon Ramsey would f*&#ing love it.

Chicken Parmesan

1/4 cup olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 garlic gloves, minced
2 (Jason) bay leaves
1/2 cup kalamata olives, pitted (if you don't like olives you can leave em off, but these things rock)
1/2 bunch fresh basil
2 (28 oz) cans of whole peeled tomatoes, drained and hand crushed
Salt and Pepper (it also helps if you're listening to the rap sensation, Salt N' Peppa)
4 boneless chicken boobs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour (for God's Sakes, make sure it's all-purpose!)
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 tbsp water
1 cup dried bread crumbs
8 oz of fresh buffalo mozzarella, water drained (this makes it magic)
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 lb spaghetti, cooked al dente

Directions:

Coat a saute pan in olive oil and turn heat to medium. When it gets hot, add the onions, garlic and (Jason) bay leaves; cook for about cinco minutos. Add the olives and some hand-torn basil. Add the tomatoes (you should have already hand-smashed these like an Italian grandmother); be careful when you dump them in, because they splash and get on your white shirt, which makes you curse wildly, which could ruin the moment. Cook for 15 minutes until thick and season with salt, pepper, a dash of sugar and of course, love.

While this is cooking, get the chicken ready. Put the breasts on a cutting board, cover them with a piece of plastic wrap and then beat the hell out of them with a meat mallet. I didn't have a meat mallet, so I used the handle of knife sharpener. This is potentially dangerous. They should be about 1/2 inch thick. Put the flour in a shallow (grave) platter and season with salt, pepper. Mix together. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs and water together until frothy like a rabid dog. Dump the bread crumbs on a third plate (this one can be of the paper variety to save on clean up) and season with salt, pepper and maybe some Parmesan if you're feeling saucy.

Get out a kick ass pan (a large cast iron skillet is ideal)and heat 3 tablespoons of oil over a medium flame. I ended up needing a lot more oil than this, so start with 3 and go from there. Dredge both sides of the chicken first in flour, then the egg mix and then the bread crumbs mixture. When the oil is hotter than hell, add the cutlets and cook for 4 minutes on each side or until golden brown. You might need two skillets for this. I did it in one, but it took a lot longer than 4 minutes since I crowded them in there.

Then, assuming that you are using a skillet that is oven ready, just ladle the sauce over the chicken directly in the pan (turn off the heat). Break the mozzarella ball into chunks and place liberally atop the concoction. Also sprinkle with as much or as little Parmesan and basil (careful with that stuff) as you'd like. Throw that bad boy into the oven (Preheat at 450) and cook for 15 minutes, until the mozzarella is bubbly. If you don't have a oven ready skillet, just transfer it from the skillet/pan to a more traditional baking/casserole pan before you put it in the oven. Serve atop spaghetti, which I'm not going to tell you how to cook.

I served this with homemade garlic bread. I bought a loaf of Vienna bread, and cut the bread diagonally (without cutting through the bottom) into 1-inch thick slices with a serrated knife. You can then spread whatever you'd like onto the slices. I combined 1/2 stick of softened butter, 2 teaspoons garlic, 1 tablespoon olive oil and 2 tablespoons of basil together and used that. Wrap it in foil and throw that in the oven, opening the foil for the last 5 minutes. The recipe called for 15 minutes at 350 (plus another 5 minutes unwrapped), but I just threw it in with the Chicken Parmesan at 450 and kept my eye on it. About 10 minutes and then another 5 with the foil unwrapped.

Serve with copious amounts of wine and enjoy.

Governor X's Kitchen: Fried Rice

This week the Governor is back in the kitchen cooking up the perfect dish for any gaijin who wants to impress his little China Girl (just you shut your mouth...SHHHHHHHHHHH).

After the rousing success of tequila lime chicken, I'm going to try another favorite. Today's recipe is lazy man's fried rice. The inspirational chef for today's dish is none other than snuff porn aficionado and host of the original Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga. He is not, as the legends claim, dead from fugu poisoning.

To make this you are going to need 2 cups of rice, olive oil, 2 eggs, a shallot, a green onion, soy sauce and oyster sauce, so hop on the bike and battle off to Whole Foods to make sure you have everything.

Cook up a batch of plain white rice the night before. This is the perfect thing to do around midnight after two or three cans of Tecate. Your neighbors will probably think you're a stoner, but if you're reading this blog, you probably are. Rice can be deceptively hard to make, but do your best. Boil 3 cups of water and then stir in 2 cups of dry rice. Putting a drop of oil in the water helps keep the rice from sticking. Cover and simmer, stirring periodically, until the rice is moist and the water is gone. Fifteen minutes ought to be sufficient. This will yield generous amounts to use for the next day's fried rice. Refrigerate it and do whatever it is you do until dinner the next day. Me? I stayed up drinking more beer, passed out around 3, woke up around 10, and read a book about food rationing in Cuba.

The first thing you need to do is finely chop one green onion and grate 1/4th of the shallot. When that is done, beat the two eggs. Put a little oil in the pan and warm, pouring the eggs in when ready. Scramble them. This should take no more than 2-3 minutes. Don't let the egg get rubbery. When they're ready, remove the pan from the heat.

Recipes always say to use a wok, but I don't have one. A large non-stick pot worked just fine. Put a little oil in the bottom of the pan and warm. Dump your cooked rice in and start breaking it up. When its no longer clumpy, add about 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce and stir in. Then add soy sauce. I can't really be specific as to how much. I pour enough in to make the rice brown after I stirred it in, but you can certainly add more. Enjoy the high blood pressure though. Keep stirring the rice for a minute or so, then add the scrambled egg, green onion, and shallot. Stir it all together for a few minutes with the heat to thoroughly mix the flavors and you're ready to go.

You can add anything you want beyond this. Personally, I pick most of the shit they add like carrots out anyway, so I find it delicious like this. You can always pre-cook chicken, shrimp, or any other meat and mix that in as well. Its your call. Now fuck off...

Cook This!

Honey Tarragon Carrots

This sweet, delicious recipe can serve as a side dish or a meal itself. It's so easy a bachelor can do it.

Ingredients:

• 1 pound baby carrots (they're in a bag! totally easy!)
• 1 cup water (the landlord pays for the water!)
• 2 tablespoons honey (honey moves slowly)
• 1 teaspoon tarragon, dried (no one really knows what tarragon is. little known fact: a good grocery store will alphabetize the spices).
• 1/4 teaspoon salt (negotiable)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper (equally negotiable).

Gameplan:

• In a medium pan, simmer the carrots in the water, covered, for 10 minutes.
• When that's done, add the rest of the ingredients (spread the honey out a bit if possible).
• Then turn the flame to high and cook until the liquid is gone.

Word to the wise: Keep moving the carrots so they don't end up black on one side.

(Please note that yours will not look as good as the ones in this picture)

Governor X's Kitchen: Tequila Lime Chicken

With boredom beginning to consume my life, I have recently decided to be somewhat productive and learn how to cook. This man here, Chef Gordon Ramsay, is my inspiration. I've grown absolutely addicted to his various shows on BBC America and his cursing is impressive and legendary. He is prone to making some strange dishes like pigeon salad and his love of scallops borders on sexual, so with rare exceptions, I'm not going to be trying his recipes right off the bat. For one, where the hell am I going to buy pigeon meat? Instead I will be focusing on my favorites, and to kick things off I had a go at tequila lime chicken, one of the finest dishes to be found on a Mexican menu.

I began the process by reviewing a variety of recipes online and taking bits from one or the other, based on my own tastes and what is available in the kitchen, to come up with a coherent plan. So after getting some chicken breasts and lime at the store, I was ready to start cooking. I was pretty excited, even if you aren't while reading this.

No one ever really tells you the nuts and bolts of cooking. How do you mix all this shit together? I remembered I had a food processor, which has literally never been used in the 8 years or so that I've owned it, so I opted to toss all of the following ingredients in there and hack it into a chunky salsa like liquid:

1/4 cup tequila
1 lime (interior only – no peel)
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 dash Mexican seasoning

I used 1800 Reserva Reposado because the bottle was full, but I doubt it matters much. Every recipe I saw called for lime juice, but I opted to use the entire lime. This made enough for about three chicken breasts. After marinading the chicken for a couple hours, I tossed them on the grill. To have with the chicken, I made some grilled squash using this Food Network recipe.

The chicken and squash turned out perfectly. Using the food processor and a real lime was a great decision because it gave the taste on the chicken a bit of texture. I'd never grilled squash either, but I can see it becoming a staple. This dinner was positively delicious. For my first hack, I'm exceedingly pleased with the results. So far, this is my signature dish. It is my only dish too I realize. Whatever. As Gordon would say, now fuck off...

I need to work on presentation, but the taste was superb.