An Official Statement from Bud Norris

Former MLB pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the baseball writers of America right after they turn in an embarrassing HOF ballot. They'll tell you. Bud reached out to us here at TMS with an important statement. The floor is yours Nud:

"Hello there Norris Nation. I just learned there is some Twitter account calling a football player the 'Lettuce King.' Some folks call it X, I still call it Twitter. Anyways, does this guy even eat lettuce? Has he ever bit right into a head of iceberg and felt the sweet, sweet crunch? I don't think so. I am the one true Lettuce King and will consider legal action against anyone who says otherwise. Thank you for your time." - Nud

TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris

TMS Late Night: Bud Norris' Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce

Braves, uh, star I guess Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. Anyway, in honor of his upcoming start on Wednesday, we asked him to rank his Top 5 types of lettuce:

Hey y'all. Bud Norris here. The TMS guys asked me to rank my favorite types of lettuce. I can never say no to talkin' 'bout lettuce, so here you go.

5. Romaine - Not very good, but if you throw the green out and just eat the whites then it's OK I guess. My aunt used to cook up a romaine casserole with the white parts, cashews, and French's yellow mustard. That takes me back.

4. That Stuff in the Cold Slaw - I don't know how they do that cold slaw stuff. Some magic I guess. Anyway, if you find you need some lettuce and can only find cold slaw, you can rinse the white stuff off and just munch of the lettucy thing. I don't eat them carrots neither.

3. Kale Chips Soaked in Milk - Kale kinda looks like lettuce, but I don't know. I'm not science guy. I was tellin' my teammates though how I like to buy the Kale Chips down at the Trader Joe and soak 'em in milk. That puts the water back in it and it tastes super close to iceberg.

2. Iceberg in the Sack - When you can't get the real deal, the iceberg in the sack will do fine. I can't eat it like an apple though so it's always gonna be my number 2.

1. Fresh Iceberg - You could put this on anything. Sandwiches, chicken tenders, what have you. Me? I don't think it needs nothin'. I just put the entire head in my lunch pail and munch away when I need a quick pick me up.

"Ooh, heaven is a place on earth" - Nud Borris looking at a lettuce field

also Belinda Carlisle