Impotence Rankings

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

5/27/2008
Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

NOTE: I'm pulling a Buzanis this week on the column. I have nobody to blame but myself here. But if we're going to point fingers, allow me to blame these 10 teams' worthlessness on a single player(s).

10. Detroit Tigers (3) - the starting rotation

Amazing Stat: Bonderman currently has 35 BB to his 32 K, Verlander has 7 losses so far, and opposing batters are hitting .314 and .309 against Kenny Rogers and Nate Robertson respectively.

9. Milwaukee Brewers (8) - Corey Hart

Amazing Stat: Yeah, yeah, I know he's playing relatively well, but seriously, look at this guy. He's got the face of a dwarf for God's sake. He's like the world's tallest midget. That has to be distracting the other guys.

8. New York Yankees (7) - Kyle Farnsworth

Amazing Stat: Kyle can easily be blamed for pretty much anything, much like fellow TMS bartender Dave Thomas. Also when did that son of a bitch get glasses? Who still wears glasses in baseball? I mean besides the mentally retarded.

7. Colorado Rockies (4) - Jesus*

Amazing Stat: Maybe not enough players are praying. Maybe Aaron Cook can get busted with a hooker to give you inspiration.

6. Washington Nationals (5) - Cristian Guzman

Amazing Stat: By showing the rest of you clowns up by clearly being the best hitter so far this season. That's gotta kill Ryan Zimmerman's self esteem.

5. Cleveland Indians (NR) - Everyone except Victor Martinez and Grady Sizemore.

Amazing Stat: The rest of you position players make me sick. Not one of you bastards save for Ben Francisco can even bat above .250!

4. San Francisco Giants (1) - Barry Zito

Amazing Stat: As long as Zito's contract is around they can aim no higher than mediocrity at best.

3. San Diego Padres (2) - Shawn Estes and Glendon Rusch

Amazing Stat: How do these two still have jobs? Kevin Towers is good at taking other people's trash and spinning it into gold, but unfortunately for him these two turds just fell apart in his hands.

2. Kansas City Royals (NR) - Allard Baird

Amazing Stat: Look there might be a small disadvantage to being a small market team, but some franchises have managed to still do well. Shit, look at the Rays and Marlins right now. Baird's stats: 381-576 during his tenure, traded away Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran, signed Juan Gonzalez.

1. Seattle Mariners (6) - Richie Sexson

Amazing Stat: Can Seattle really not find anyone better to replace him? Watching him hit is enough to drive someone to go out to the driveway and pull a Kurt Cobain.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #9 LA Dodgers, #10 Minnesota

Impotence Rankings

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

5/19/2008
Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Minnesota Twins (NR) - After spending a couple weeks off the list, the Twinkies crack the top ten once more. Like most of the AL Central, the Twins have been plagued with mediocre play. I'd have more to say if this team wasn't so damn boring.

Amazing Stat: zzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.

9. Los Angeles Dodgers (NR) - Congratulations to the Dodgers for being the first team to make the Impotence Rankings with a winning record. Without the hard work of Andruw Jones, this never would've been possible. Actually aside from stale farts Jones and Jeff Kent, the Dodgers have been hitting pretty well. Even Juan Pierre is hitting .300 in his last 7 games. Unfortunately Brad Penny has dropped some large turds on the mound and Derek Lowe tripped over them.

Amazing Stat: Blake DeWitt is batting .322 with 4 HR and 23 RBI. If he gets benched for Nomar, Dodger fans will be vomiting in their mouths. It's bad enough they have to watch Jones and Kent stink up the joint.

8. Milwaukee Brewers (9) - Once thought to be the Cubs main competition in the Central, the Brew Crew find themselves hungover in the basement, reeking of stale beer and moldy cheese curds. While Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder are crushing the ball, their efforts are wiped out by the sad sack of garbage better known as the Brewers pitching staff. Ever since Yovani Gallardo gimped up his knee, this staff has been terrible at best.

Amazing Stat: Eric Gagne notched a save this past week in an inning of work. He gave up 1 hit, walked 1 and struck no one out. To quote the Bobs in Office Space, "What exactly, would you say you DO around here?"

7. New York Yankees (NR) - Someone needs to tell MLB that they're standings have a glitch in them. It appears they have accidentally flip-flopped Tampa Bay and New York in the AL East. Oh wait.....

The Yanks are riddled with injuries right now, but hope is on the way. A-Rod is back today, which will mean no more Alex Gonzalez/Morgan Ensberg two-headed monster at 3B. Also Robinson Cano finally remembered how to use his bat again.

Amazing Stat: The last time the Yankees were in last place this late in a season was June 20, 1995 after a tough 8-7 loss to the Orioles. Your starters for that game: Sterling Hitchcock vs. Arthur Rhodes. Donnie Baseball was playing 1B and Steve Howe came in to pitch relief

6. Seattle Mariners (2) - The Mariners managed to play not so shitty this week as they drop 4 spots in the rankings. Seattle's starters pitched great recently, but their offense has been pretty dismal. Raul Ibanez seems to be the only one hitting worth a damn.

Amazing Stat: Richie Sexson......just go away. For God's sake the Mariners are spot starting Miguel f'n Cairo at 1B!

5. Washington Nationals (4) - Yep, still bad.

Amazing Stat: Ichiro's 20 steals is twice as many than the Nationals have total as a team.

4. Colorado Jesus (7) - The Rockies snapped their 6 game losing streak on Saturday, but it wasn't enough to keep them from moving up the rankings to #4. With Tulowitzki out, Clint Barmes and his oft-misspelled last name is hitting the ball as well if not better than he did pre-deer meat debacle.

Amazing Stat: The 2008 Rockies clubhouse theme song is "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.

3. Detroit Tigers (5) - Holy crap, you got swept by the Royals last week? Not only that, but the Tigers are now 0-5 against those wily kids from KC. So what happened to this team? While most point their fingers at the absolutely inept starting rotation, Jim Leyland naturally is blaming Ken.

Amazing Stat: Justin Verlander is now 1-7 with a 6.05 ERA. He's clearly the front-runner for "Best Mike Maroth impersonation."

2. San Diego Padres (1) - Aaaaawww. After two weeks at the top of the dung heap, the team from a Whale's Vagina has slipped to number 2 in the rankings. Are they getting better? No, not as much as some team is getting worse. Maybe the Cubs should trade for Maddux so he can have a better chance of surpassing Clemens in wins.

Amazing Stat: Jake Peavy meet Mark Prior. Mark will be your personal counselor as you get through this difficult time. Now there's no reason to be sad Jake. Have Mark show you his impressive towel throwing he's perfected over the years. That'll cheer you up.

1. San Francisco Giants (6) - At long last the prodigal sons find their rightful place on the throne of crap. They've lost six straight now and righting the ship will be a daunting if not impossible task. I don't know what else to say. This team is bad. Check out their starting lineup last night:

1. Fred Lewis, LF
2. Ray Durham, 2B
3. Randy Winn, RF
4. Bengie Molina, C
5. Aaron Rowand, CF
6. Rich Aurilia, 1B
7. Jose Castillo, 3B
8. Omar Vizquel, SS (He's still alive?)
9. Pat Misch, P

Not exactly Murderer's Row. And holy christ they're old. Why not bring back Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell? At least they could probably hit better.

Amazing Stat: Barry Zito, 0-8, 6.25, still sucks at life. If you listen closely you can hear Brian Sabean plunging his office toilet after it clogged from flushing too much cash down it.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #3 Cincinnati, #8 Kansas City, #10 Baltimore

Impotence Rankings

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

(Guest Written By Daft Funk)

5/12/2008
Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Baltimore Orioles (NR) - The Orioles started out the season strong, going 14-9 over their first 23 games. But then the Orioles woke up and remembered that they were the Orioles and they've gone 5-9 since. And that includes an unexpected 3 game win streak against the Royals, so it could have been even worse.

Amazing Stat: Nick Markakis leads the team in batting average...with a hefty .267 mark. F-.

9. Milwaukee Brewers (NR) - Nothing makes me happier than seeing the Brewers on this list. Well...if the Cardinals joined them, that would be pretty sweet too, but I'll take what I can get for now. Once thought to be the main competition for the Cubs in the Central, Milwaukee isn't waiting until August to tail off like last season. Things seem to have de-railed after the Gallardo injury and the Brewers are 3-7 in their last 10 games.

Amazing Stat: Just a scant 2 days after declaring himself unfit for the closer role, Eric Gagne says he's ready to be a closer again. Steroids will do crazy things to your brain. Gagne leads the majors with 5 blown saves and 6 colonies of lice living in his skeezy beard.

8. Kansas City Royals (8) - Things don't look all bad for the Royals. Brian Bannister and Zach Greinke both look like solid pitchers that should contribute for years to come at the top of the Kansas City rotation. Still, just like the Orioles and one Chaim Witz, Kansas City seemed to blow its load too quickly. Since starting out the year 9-6, KC is 7-15 and 2-5 over their last 7 games.

Amazing Stat: The Royals have 19 steals on the season. Joey Gathright has 10 of them. Alex Gordon is tied with 2 other Royals for second on the team with a whopping 2 steals.

7. Colorado Rockies (3) - 8 games out of first. On the losing end of Greg Maddux's 350th win. The first team to lose 2 in a row to the Padres. Things can't get much worse for God's Squad. You know how the Giants are terrible? The Rockies are a game worse in the standings right now. Ouch.

Amazing Stat: So much for being a hitter's paradise. The Rockies are only 10th in the NL in team batting average and 11th in runs scored. Where have you gone, Blake Street Bombers?

6. San Francisco Giants (6) - The Giants may be one game better than the Rockies in the standings, but that doesn't save them from being worse here around the Saloon. If you haven't been keeping up with the Free Tim Lincecum series over at Steve Finley Was Here, you should take a look. This guy really does deserve better, although his emo-hair is almost bad enough for me to hate him.

Amazing Stat: Get this...the Giants have 16 quality starts as a team. Half of them belong to Tim Lincecum. Surprisingly, 3 of them belong to one Barry Zito.

5. Detroit Tigers (9) - After a completely terrible start, the Tigers looked like they were turning things around, especially when Curtis Granderson came back to the lineup. But the Tigers have had an awful May, going 3-7 so far this month. And Miguel Cabrera seems to be fine with spending all of his $150+ million on Twinkies.

Amazing Stat: The story of the Tigers in 2008 has been the crappiness of their pitching. Jeremy Bonderman leads the starting staff with a 4.80 ERA.

4. Washington Nationals (NR) - Not even a visit by The Hundley can save the Natty Light's from landing back in the rankings. The Nationals have already lost 8 in a row at one point this season, and are just 1-5 over their last 6.

Amazing Stat: Ryan Zimmerman, the "savior" of Nationals baseball, leads a lineup that ranks in the bottom two in the NL in AVG, OBP, SLG, OPS, SB. They do rank first in STD's.

3. Cincinnati Reds (2) - As long as Dusty is at the helm, giving at-bats to Corey Patterson and Ryan Freel instead of lobbying for Jay Bruce to be called up, the Reds will find a place in these rankings. It's a typical season for the Reds right now. It's halfway through May and they find themselves 7.5 games out of first.

Amazing Stat: The Reds pitching, as expected, is terrible. Cincinnati ranks 15th in the NL in ERA, BAA, and have 6 saves total as a team.

2. Seattle Mariners (4) - What happened? After being surprise semi-contenders last season, Seattle mortgaged the future a bit by trading Adam Jones to the Orioles for Erik Bedard, in hopes of competing this year. I could have told the Seattle front office that it's just about impossible to compete with both Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre in the same lineup.

Amazing Stat: Someone other than Ichiro leads the M's in hitting! Can you guess who it is? It's Jose Lopez at .312. If you guessed that right, you're a cheater.

1. San Diego Padres (1) - The Good: Greg Maddux got his 350th win on the third try. The Bad: Everything else. This weekend was just the second time that the Padres won 2 games in a row.

Amazing Stat:
The Padres are 1 Jim Edmonds lighter this week. That's gotta count for something.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #5 Pittsburgh, #7 Texas, #10 Chicago (A)

MLB Impotence Rankings

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

5/5/2008
Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Chicago White Sox (NR) - Wow Chicago, you almost had us fooled there for a while. The Sox have lost 7 of the last 10 including 5 in a row. Javier Vazquez will try to avoid the sweep tonight against Toronto. Almost all of these losses have been by only 1 or 2 runs, and with an expected win-loss of 17-12, one would assume Chicago's stay on this list will be short-lived.

Amazing Stat: Carlos Quentin has become a one-man team, leading the squad in AVG, HR, RBI, R, and OPS.

9. Detroit Tigers (NR) - After appearing to have righted the ship, Detroit finds themselves back on the limp list once again. Getting swept by the Twins was the last thing they needed as the Tigers now open a 7 game homestand against the Red Sox and Yankees.

Amazing Stat: Jock Jones is batting .165. How long before he goes the way of Neifi?

8. Kansas City Royals (3) - The Royals drop down the rankings a bit after going 5-5 in their last 10 games. Kansas City, along with Chicago and Minnesota have better records than Detroit and Cleveland. Two months ago you would've laughed your ass off if someone told you that would be the case on May 5th.

Amazing Stat: The Royals pitching staff has issued the second fewest walks so far this season. Not that they're going to run away with the Central, but the way this division is going, anyone appears to have a shot.

7. Texas Rangers (1) - After suffering the embarassment of being #1 on the list last week, the Rangers have gotten their shit together a little bit and rattled off 4 wins in their last 6 games. Sidney Ponson of all people gave them a quality outing the other day. Christ, I didn't even realize he was still alive, let alone playing in the majors. Shouldn't he be drunk in Aruba, challenging folks to fistfights?

Amazing Stat: Chris Shelton was called up and proceeded to prove that after his amazing tear in early 2006, he has in fact forgotten how to hit.

6. San Francisco Giants (7) - Giants fans should be grateful. For all intents and purposes, their record should be worse than it is. Instead they're actually in third place. Not that they have a chance in hell of competing for the division title. Their slogan on the official site this season says "All Out, All Season". By "out" do they mean out of the playoff race? Or with the absence of Barry Bonds do they mean they're "all out" of reasons to come watch them?

Amazing Stat: Eugenio Velez, Emmaunel Burriss, John Bowker. Just a handful of the marquee names that are filling the seats!

5. Pittsburgh Pirates (4) - If the Pirates and Giants face off, is there really a true winner? We'll find out this week. After dropping 3 of 4 to the Nationals, Pittsburgh is hoping to do more with this homestand against San Francisco and Atlanta.

Amazing Stat: Matt Capps is 6 for 6 in save opportunities. Getting to the save opportunity still proves to be an issue however.

4. Seattle Mariners (NR) - With 5 straight losses, the Mariners crack the top ten again and rocket up to #4. Seattle looked pretty miserable this weekend in New York, but never mind that. I want to know what the hell is up with the slogan on the Mariners site. Mojo Risin'? What the hell does that even mean? Is the team's marketing person a big Doors fan?

Amazing Stat: May 31, 2005: The last time Richie Sexson actually carried a batting average above .250 in the month of May.

3. Colorado Rockies (5) - I have nothing to say about this team. How the hell did they go to the World Series last year?

Amazing Stat: Aaron Cook's ERA = 2.40. The rest of the Rockie's rotation = 6.06.

2. Cincinnati Reds (10) - The Reds dropped a little in last week's rankings but managed to bounce back and land in the #2 slot after being swept by the Braves to put their current losing streak at 5 games. The pitching staff, save for Edinson Volquez has had some serious problems giving up runs. What's the over/under for how many seasons Dusty lasts? I'm gonna say 1.5.

Amazing Stat: Edinson Volquez leads the team with 4 wins. In fact he's the only one on the team with multiple wins.

1. San Diego Padres (2) - The Padres have been terrible, and it's mostly due to their anemic offense. Adrian Gonzalez is the only one hitting worth a damn and he can be incredibly streaky. If Gonzalez gets cold, they're going to be in even bigger trouble. While the starting rotation has done quite well, the Padre bullpen has been struggling mightily. Their pitching as a whole has given up more hits in innings 7-9 than any other MLB team this season, and their ERA in those final three innings is only better than Baltimore, Detroit, Texas and Milwaukee.

Amazing Stat: San Diego is hitting a league worst .230 right now. And don't expect any late inning rallies from them. The team is currently batting .200 in the final three innings of games.


Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #6 Washington, #8 Minnesota, #9 Toronto

MLB Impotence Rankings

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I bring you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

4/28/2008
Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Cincinnati Reds (6) - Dusty gets credit for finally wising up and playing Joey Votto at 1B over Scott Hatteberg. That credit is immediately lost though when he decides to start Corey Patterson, Jerry Hairston Jr. (at leadoff!), and Paul Bako in a game.

Amazing Stat: In 64 AB, Paul Bako is batting .328. What the shit?

9. Toronto Blue Jays (NR) - A recent six game skid lands Toronto on the rankings this week. I'd chalk it up as an early season slump and nothing more. They're definitely better than their record shows. Either way I don't think anyone in Canada has noticed or cared, what with the Stanley Cup playoffs and all.

Amazing Stat: A.J. Burnett has a 6.07 ERA and is fucking up my fantasy team.

8. Minnesota Twins (8) - The Twins maintain their 8th place standing by continuing their sub-par play. The bullpen is being overworked, Francisco Liriano has been sent down, and Vicente Padilla just pitched a complete game shutout against them, something he hasn't done since his "glory days" in Philly.

Amazing Stat: Delmon Young still leads the league in unrealized upside potential.

7. San Francisco Giants (4) - Barring the Barry Zito shitstorms, the Giants have somehow "improved" enough in the last week or so to drop to 7th. But for a team that can't push Zito to the bullpen because they're too thin in the rotation, I doubt they'll drop off the top ten any time soon.

Amazing Stat: Tim Lincecum's ERA is 1.23. The rest of the rotation is 5.24.

6. Washington Nationals (1) - Hey, congrats to the Nats for getting out of the #1 slot and dropping to 6th. They've won 4 of their last 6, including two to the Cubs this past weekend. That being said, I wouldn't hold out much hope of seeing them drop any lower on the list.

Amazing Stat: Hey, Nick Johnson isn't hurt yet!

5. Colorado Rockies (NR) - The Rockies have lost 7 of their last 10. Manny Corpas has lost his closing duties to Brian Fuentes. Rockies management has started using a new rallying cry to get the team pumped up. "It's time to drop the losing and pick up the Lord!"
Amazing Stat: Troy Tulowitzki is batting .157. Meanwhile everyone's favorite venison monger, Clint Barmes is batting .305.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates (10) - Oh Pittsburgh, will you ever be good? Even Kansas City managed a winning record in recent memory. The only bright spot on this team seems to be Nate McLouth. Nate will go 2-4 with a double and 3 RBI's as well as punch you in the face and have sex with your girlfriend, and oddly you will be ok with it. Sorry Chris Duffy, you no longer have a home.

Amazing Stat: Matt Morris was let go as Pittsburgh finally realizes he hasn't thrown effectively since 'Nam

3. Kansas City Royals (NR) - After briefly treating their fans to some winning baseball at the start of the season, Kansas City has finally nestled into the #3 spot in the rankings. The Royals have lost 8 of their last 10. Eh, I can't bag on KC too much. Like Pittsburgh, they've got a good group of fans that certainly deserve better than what they've got in the last 15 years. I can't help but hope that some day they'll get out of this funk and turn things around.

Amazing Stat: Zack Greinke's ERA is 1.25, Brian Bannister's is 2.48. Could this be the beginning of an effective one-two punch in the Royals rotation?

2. San Diego Padres (NR) - Now here's a team I have no problem bagging on. The Padres are 10-16 and have lost 8 of their last 10. While their starting pitching has been pretty solid, their relief pitching and offense have been suspect. Trevor Hoffman just doesn't look like the same young buck, rocking the jorts. Oh yeah, and they have Glendon Rusch in the bullpen, who's about as effective as Mark Prior's vagina. The offense has been miserable with Adrian Gonzalez's .280 AVG currently the best on the team. In a close second is Kevin Kouzmanoff with a fat .257.

Amazing Stat: San Diego as a team is batting .225 with a .620 OPS.

1. Texas Rangers (7) - Only two things come from Texas, steers and shitty baseball. Actually in the case of the Rangers it's mainly shitty pitching. Their offense actually isn't too bad at all. but man this pitching staff is as E-Claire would say, hella bad. Sure Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla are pitching decently, at least as far as what you can expect from someone like Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla. But beyond that, the rotation has looked atrocious. Then there's the bullpen. Any team that can just wear down the Texas starter early will be licking their chops in the later innings. However the main exception is C.J. Wilson. When he's not painting his teammates with generalized stereotypes, he's mowing down opposing batters in the closer role. If Texas can just get enough runs to take the lead before the final inning, they can have Wilson close it out and they'll be just fine.

Amazing Stat: Counting their days as the Washington Senators, the Rangers franchise currently has been around the longest without having even played in a World Series.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #2 Detroit, #3 Cleveland, #5 Houston, #9 Atlanta

MLB Impotence Rankings

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I bring you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

4/18/2008

10. Pittsburgh Pirates - The Pirates haven't been too terrible thus far, winning 5 of their last 10 games and sweeping the Reds. Hopefully this weekend series against the Cubs will bump up the rankings a bit for next week.

9. Atlanta Braves - Honestly the Braves shouldn't be on this list. When 5 of your 7 losses are one-run ballgames, it's just a matter of time before you start catching some more breaks. Their pitching rotation has been quite good and the only batter that has struggled so far is Mark Teixeira.

8. Minnesota Twins - Let's see, Livan Hernandez is their best pitcher so far and Justin Morneau and Jason Kubel are the only two to have hit any homers. Some more folks are going to have to pick up the slack here if the Twins are going to stop being so limp.

7. Texas Rangers - After dropping 5 in a row, the Rangers were able to right the ship a little bit by taking two from the Jays in Toronto. Now they head to Boston for four games. While the offense hasn't been too shabby, the pitching has had it's share of issues, most notably Jason Jennings. After three starts, Jennings is 0-3 with a 8.79 ERA with 5 HR, 10 BB and only 7 SO. That's pretty bad, even for Rangers standards.

6. Cincinnati Reds - Dusty's band of commies are heading home today after getting swept on the road by the Pirates and dropping 2 of 3 against the Cubs. The statline of the week goes to Josh Fogg's 2 inning performance on Wednesday. Fogg gave up 7 hits, 2 walks, a hit by pitch and 9 runs, which help push his ERA to a meaty 13.09 on the season.

5. Houston Astros - Breaking news. It has been revealed that Houston actually has 11 losses this season instead of 9.

4. San Francisco Giants - Obviously their recent 5-5 tear* is keeping them from ranking higher on the list. However as long as Barry Zito keeps sucking at life and Bengie Molina remains as their "home run threat", we'll be seeing the boys from the Bay Area for the duration.

3. Cleveland Indians - Definitely not what we expected from the Tribe, who have dropped 7 of their last 10 games. So far Jake Westbrook and Cliff Lee have been the most solid pitchers in the rotation. Fausto Carmona is sporting a nice 1.96 ERA but his 18 walks to just 10 strikeouts in 23 innings is a bit troubling. And then there's C.C. Sabathia, who looks absolutely atrocious. Perhaps his dough-like physique has finally bit him in the ass, which then bled sausage gravy.

2. Detroit Tigers - A week ago they would've been number one, but they've managed to finally piece together a few wins. The Tigers are 3-3 in their last 6 games, which is an improvement, but if you look at those 3 losses.....holy shit. 0-7, 0-11, 1-11 and two of those were with their "ace" Justin Verlander on the mound. The Tigers will need a little more help to get their season from flaccid to erect.

1. Washington Nationals - Hey at least the visit from the Pope distracted folks in DC to how absolutely shitty the Nats have been playing. Not since Bruce, has there been a Benedict to rock a ballpark crowd this hard. Anyway this Nationals team is pretty damn bad. So far this season Cristian freaking Guzman has been their best hitter, Tim Redding is the only starter to earn a victory, and closer Chad Cordero apparently has been inflicted with AIDS. Congrats Washington. You are the shittiest team in Major League Baseball.

*Yes, playing .500 ball would be deemed a "tear" for the Giants.