TMS Late Night: Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters We Haven't Heard From In A While

Game of Thrones is back! Prepare yourself for all the hot takes every time something horrible happens. "OMG, how could they be so insensitive to rape victims/animals/short people/land use planning/religion???? (continues to watch the show for five years)" I love the show, but one of its major issues continues to be the fact that seemingly important characters tend to vanish without a trace. Here are my Top 5  characters we haven't heard from in a while:

5. That guy who couldn’t die – Do you remember that guy who couldn’t die? There was that guy in a cave and he couldn’t die. He scared The Hound with fire.

4. Edmure Tully - He married the only non-homely Frey girl and was luckily whisked away before the Red Wedding, but that was that. Are they happy? Do they have kids? Does he drive a Dodge Stratus now?

3. Daario Naharis – Whatever happened to that long haired Fabio looking asshole? What, he turned into this guy? Seriously? I guess those casting agent certifications don't mean much do they...

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) – He got some of that sweet Melisandre action and it only cost him a little blood, but then Davos put him in a boat and we never saw him again. Given that so much of the plot revolves around who is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, we have to see him again at some point right? Hey, his name was Gendry. I forgot until just now.

1. Rickon Stark – Assuming that fall left Bran impotent, Rickon is the only male Stark capable of carrying on the line.  Sure he’s a bit of a weenie, but these are desperate times. Last we saw him, he had run off with Tonks from Harry Potter. When he's old enough, he should get on that. A half-Stark/half-wildling would unite "The North."

Yeah. You totally forgot about me didn't you?

TMS Late Night: Top 5 Ad Campaigns That Need To Die

Ten years after its initial debut and 9 years after it became stale, Dos Equis announced this week that The Most Interesting Man in the World ad campaign would be coming to an end. It was annoying, but there are far, far worse out there. Here are my current Top 5:

5. Denis Leary - Ford

Since 2009, Denis Leary has been doing ads for Ford trucks. Seven years is a long time for any ad campaign to run, but particularly so when that ad campaign consists of a generally unpleasant person snarling about how tough the trucks are while GIANT WORDS fill your screen. There was a time in my life when I found Denis Leary amusing, but then I finished the 9th grade and never looked back.

4. Jack - Jack in the Box

In 1980, after a decade or so of having their customers talk to a clown head at the drive-thru, Jack in the Box famously blew up the clown in an effort to create a more mature image (Note to fast food companies: This never works. I'm talking to you McDonalds. Throw that kale salad in the trash and just make sure the fries are fresh.). By 1994, they were completely out of ideas and brought the clown back in the form of Jack and well, he's terrible. He's all grown up and the CEO now! Ugh. Since blowing him up didn't work, maybe they can put him in the wood chipper Fargo style next time.

It's clever because he's a family man just like you! *GUFAW*

3. Bearded Hipster Focus Group - Chevrolet

This is the only new ad campaign on this list, but holy fuck are they bad. The premise is a bearded hipster is running a focus group of people that would never guess these great vehicle features are on a Chevy. You know why? Because everyone knows Chevy is garbage. If you told them this car had a functioning steering wheel and didn't spontaneously combust, the REAL PEOPLE in the ad would still be shocked. Why is the focus group run by a guy who looks like he owns the entire Mumford and Sons catalog though? Focus groups are run by stodgy corporate types, not some asshole who spends 3 hours grooming his beard every day and droning on incessantly about farm-to-table meals. Maybe Obama should have let GM die. Sometimes dead is better.

2. The Gecko - GEICO

This thing has its own Twitter account. How sad is your life if you follow the GEICO Gecko? The gecko has been around since 1999 and "speaks with a British Cockney accent, because it would be unexpected, according to Martin Agency's Steve Bassett." Well, I'll give you that. I don't think anyone expects a gecko to speak with a Cockney accent. Freshen ya car insurance luv? No. Die. I can only assume this ad campaign has led to many a gecko being brought home as a pet only to die of neglect and get flushed down the toilet because little Tanner forgot to feed it ants. Also, as you can see here, the gecko is a fucking Nazi. You just can't sweep that under the rug GEICO.

1. Flo - Progressive Insurance

Still #1 after all these years. Even sadder than the Gecko's Twitter account (oh, Flo has one too), there is Flo fan-fic. You're on the internet, so I assume you know 96% of fan-fic involves anal rape.

Without another word the man pinned Flo against the side of the counter with his body and looked down at her, the look in his eyes told her exactly what he had in mind.

If you are a sick fuck, you can read the rest here. Spoiler: she gets the Kobe in Colorado treatment - because, ahem, fan-fic. Progressive might want to wake up to the fact that Flo is mostly popular among sexual deviants and isn't really helping to sell insurance. I mean, if you want to be the car insurance company of guys who have to go door to door when they move, go right ahead. It's a free country.

Hi, I'm Jesus and I just moved into the neighborhood. State law requires that I inform you that I use Progressive Insurance.

Adventures in the Basic Cable Wasteland

Over the past week or so, my cranky back has rendered me almost completely sedentary. Unable to get comfortable on either of the living room couches, I've been forced to spend most of my days in the bedroom, where the TV (the same 19" I bought with my paper route money when I was 13) only gets channels up to 65. So without the digital box or its onscreen channel menu, I spent more time flipping through the channels looking for things to watch. I came across some things that I had no idea were even on TV (or why, for that matter). This is just part of what I've come across over the past week or so.

5. Rocky Marathon on Spike. Over the last week or so, I've become convinced that Spike only shows CSI reruns and Stallone movies, although I did see ads for Van Damme movies and some sort of UFC fight featuring a rather large gentleman named Kimbo Slice. However, during the day that I watched Spike as I segued in and out of a pain/drug induced haze (depending entirely on how recently I'd taken my pain killers) all I saw was Rocky. They apparently ran the first five Rocky movies back to back, which was just fine with me as I was only half paying attention. It all kind of seemed like one movie to me. Rocky collects money for a loan shark, romances a pet store clerk (in a special ed kind of way), gets a shot at the title, eats raw egg and runs a lot, punches meat, earns a draw with the flamboyant African-American champ who says there will be no rematch, and then changes his mind two minutes later. Rocky says no to the fight, gets married to the pet shop clerk, knocks up the pet shop clerk, spends a lot of money, goes to work in a meat plant, gets laid off from meat plant, agrees to rematch against pet shop clerk's wishes, pet shop clerk slips into coma after delivering a surprisingly healthy (and hairy) kid, and she wakes up just in time to tell Rocky to fight. Rocky must have won because next thing I know, he's fighting in an exhibition against Hulk Hogan before being savagely beaten by Mr. T. Then his old Jewish manager dies and the most uncomfortable grief scene in the history of movies follows as the Rock bellows like a wounded rhino while clutching the old man's body, then we're treated to the former champ stumbling through the Jewish funeral service. The flamboyant African-American former champ returns to train Rocky to beat Mr. T (yeah right) by turning him into an Italian jive turkey in some of the most homoerotic bromance sequences ever set to celluloid. But this somehow works because he's somehow champ again, now at ringside for the flamboyant African-American former champ who's fighting James Brown. No, scratch that, he's fighting He-Man, who must have lost a bet with his hairdresser. He-Man kills the guy from Predator, which pisses the Rock off. After training in the Russian snow, he becomes brain damaged and returns home to find he's lost all his money and owns nothing except the ballsweat smelling gym his dead Jewish trainer left him. I can only assume that the fight between Rocky and He-Man was called off because even the Russians didn't want to essentially beat up Corky from Life Goes On. Glastnost at its finest. Rocky, his now pretty, assertive wife, and his son move back to the old neighborhood in Philly, where we learn that the Rock's son has pretty much turned into a douche. So Rocky adopts some other dude and starts training him, only to be stabbed in the back when the guy signs with Don King. And then I don't know what the hell happened, because all of a sudden, Rocky's in some shit small town and is being hassled by the local fuzz, until he steals a motorcycle and rides off into the woods. Talk about confusing.

4. To Catch a Predator. I had heard of this show, but had never watched it. In agony Sunday night and unable to sleep, I had left the TV on MSNBC and this was what came on. First of all, I knew criminals were dumb, but I had no idea just how mentally retarded some of them really are. I ended up tossing and turning through two episodes of this show, in which about five criminals per show were lured to a remote house with the promise of sex with an underage girl they met on the internet. First of all, this show has been on the air for years. These guys are meeting chicks on the Internet. Do they not have a Facebook group or something where they might warn each other, "Hey, Dateline NBC has been running stings in cooperation with law enforcement. If you get an offer that looks too good to be true, it probably is. Watch out for chicks with laundry baskets and lemonade." After two hours of this crap, my faith in humanity was at an all time low. The next entry didn't help.

3. Parental Control on MTV. Shit, I pretty much stopped watching MTV after I graduated from college. I wasn't sure exactly why I stopped on this show, but I'm going to blame the drugs and the fact that the girl on the first show I watched had enormous boobs, which wasn't fair, because she distracted me. I think you know you're too old for MTV when you find yourself sympathizing with the parents of these girls who are dating these complete losers. If you've never seen the show, the parents each fix their daughter up with a guy and he takes them out on a date. At the end of the show, the girl decides if she will keep her current boyfriend or start dating one of the parent selected beaus. Great drama this is not. The kicker is that the parents and the current boyfriend sit together and watch the footage of the two dates. Talk about uncomfortable, try watching your girlfriend slip her tongue down some guy's throat while sitting on the couch next to her mother, who's egging her daughter on. In the two shows, I watched, the boyfriends were both total dicks. Both of them made fat jokes about the mothers. One of the guys made pussy jokes when the family cat wandered into the living room. TO HER PARENTS. I actually give these parents a lot of credit, because if I had a teenage daughter and if she were dating either of these two mega-douches, I wouldn't have gone to MTV to solve my problem. I would have just buried the body in the crawlspace with the others and been done with it. Big Boob Girl stayed with her boyfriend and her parents and I cried. The second chick was just as hot and a psych major to boot. Or a psycho. One of those. She was dating Mr. Pussy joke guy, who was wearing a dirty watch cap in the middle of summer, which is why I don't own a gun, because I would hunt people like him for sport. One of her dates takes her paintballing and fucking SHOOTS HER IN THE FACE, then gives her PB & J out of a cooler. Classy. Luckily, the other guy is a metrosexual musician who likes every single band that she does and she dumps Mr. Pussy for him. Mr. Pussy has a douchey meltdown before running outside to ride off in his, or should I say, on-his ten speed (No Pussy Wagon for you). While crying. I was too. Tears of joy for the psych major's parents. (Apparently, this show is fake, which I did NOT know while watching. I guess that makes me feel a little better. Maybe.)

2. We're Doomed. This is what I learned from the History Channel this past week. They must have run every Nostradamus related program they've produced over the past ten years the other day, including some new shit. Did you know that the world is ending in 2012 because the Mayan calender runs out? I didn't, but I sure do now. I also learned that Nostradamus predicted not one, not two, but three Antichrists. Some of the nuts, er, Nostradamus researchers believe that the world has already seen two of them, Napoleon and Hitler. They don't know who the third, more powerful one is, but obviously, he needs to surface soon as the clock is ticking here, people. The History Channel didn't name any names, but the images they showed were back views of a jug-eared person of indistinguishable color wearing a white dress shirt and dark dress pants speaking before a large, adoring crowd. Let's lock up Carlos Marmol, just to be safe.

1. And to end on a good note, PBS has been showing Ken Burns's latest documentary, The National Parks: America's Best Idea. If you haven't seen any of this documentary, then you're missing some good stuff. As always with Burns, the images are spectacular and the stories behind how some of these places came to be set aside are fascinating and compelling history. I enjoyed the second episode in particular, as my favorite President, Theodore Roosevelt, and his contributions to the national park system were explored. Don't miss it. It really is good stuff and thank Vinnie I was able to end my basic cable sojourn on a positive.

Season Premiere Roundup

A few of the Saloon's favorite shows started up again last night and overall the report card isn't going to force daddy to drink any more than usual. The Office kicked off its sixth season, Parks and Recreation is back for another year, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia looks to rebound from last year with season five, and NBC's new show Community debuted. The only thing missing was 30 Rock, which premieres next month. Here are the grades:

Parks and Recreation: I'll admit that I wanted to like this show but I never managed to watch a single episode last year. I think it was that it came on just before The Office so every time I sat down to watch The Office I would catch the last few minutes and curse/cut myself for missing it again. This episode was alright but never really seemed to get out of the gate. I'm not a huge Amy Poehler fan and this show seems like it's trying way too hard to horn in on the success of The Office. The format is almost entirely the same and some of the characters seem unusually similar. Only Aziz Ansari, a comic you may recognize from Funny People, had a few funny moments. I give this a C+. You're not getting into Vassar with those grades.

The Office: Last night was a great start to this season, when it could have just been about Jim and Pam having a baby. It turned out that was more of a sub plot once Michael began spreading fake gossip around the office to cover up a rather surprising revelation about Stanley. There were some great one-liners ("How can I be a virgin? I have a daughter.), a solid intro, a couple of good Creed-isms, and one of the more awkward scenes I've seen play out with Michael. A-

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The last season of Sunny was kind of a let-down. It had its moments: Charlie screaming as Mac drove a car into a wall to fake their deaths, the Wild Card, Charlie's musical, etc. But there were a lot of, dare I say, boring episodes that were more weird than funny. This year looks like a step back in the right direction. Dee plans on having a baby (or possibly more if the family wants a bulk discount) for a couple that can't conceive, Frank buys a foreclosed house to turn a quick buck but tries to get the family still living in the house to get out before 90 days (+1 for excellent use of a battering ram), and Charlie squares off in a battle of wits with a lawyer. The house plot also spawns a nice little story-line where Mac and Dennis come to Frank's aid and pose as gay realty partners, "Honey & Vinegar". If that's not enough to get you to watch, then I can't help you. B+

Community: NBC did everything it could to over-hype this new show like a new Black Eyed Peas song but it actually looks like it might hold up. Joel McHale brings his dry comedy from The Soup and joins up with Jon Oliver from The Daily Show, Chevy Chase, and several others. One thing that made me do a double-take was a girl named Annie, played by Alison Brie who also plays Trudy on Mad Men. I don't see this being as quote-able as The Office or 30 Rock but the characters are a good mix and we haven't even been introduced to everyone yet. It's also nice to see Chevy Chase play more of a background supporting role. The pilot was a tip o' the cap to The Breakfast Club and the late John Hughes, which actually fits the series quite well. A solid B.

The Hell's Kitchen Drinking Game

I was going to do a Drunk Blog about the season premiere (actually 2 episodes) of Hell's Kitchen last night, but I ran into a technical difficulty, namely, I don't have a laptop computer so I can't watch the show and write a blog post at the same time. So I did what any good blogger would do, I drank a shit load of Smirnoff (neat, of course) and I took notes. Unfortunately, taking handwritten notes while drinking and having the handwriting of a doctor combined with a two year old has left me with 10 scraps of paper of pure gibberish. And so we go by memory.

As expected, the "chefs" for this season suck at cooking. The Red Team (girls) took 11 times before getting the first appetizer correct. Fancy pants Melinda went through enough pasta to feed Italy for her appetizer before she got it right. The Blue Team didn't do much better, as 3rd generation Chef and Diner Owner Louie goes through lamb chops like it was an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for Andre the Giant. Chef Ramsay sent Louie home before the end of service, only to bring back Fatty McRobert, who had to left last season because his weight problem forced him to quit for health reasons. Guess what, he's still a fatty. He goes to the Red Team though, after Melinda, who cooks for rich fucks on their yachts, was eliminated.

Oh, and we already have some of our "key" players, including our token gays: Tenille (or Whoopi Goldberg in disguise) and Tony from Chicago, who somehow manages to get a reference to sticking things in his mouth into every interview he has. We also have Van, who almost fights JP the Maitre'd in the first episode and Bad Ass USMC Joseph, who at the end of the second episode challenges Chef Ramsay to, "take it outside". Then we get the "To Be Continued", followed by what looks like firetrucks and ambulances in what can only be a Columbine type massacre. What will happen next week? I'm sure it's not nearly as exciting as you think...or care.

So what can keep you tuned into Hell's Kitchen if you don't have an unusual obsession with reality cooking competitions like myself. How about making a drinking game out of it? Let's setup some rules.

1 drink for a bleeped swear word.
This alone will get you trashed, as I counted 59 bleeps throughout the first episode alone. That's more than one bleep per minute, if you take out the commercials, so I would recommend not watching from your DV-R.

1 drink per contestant crying in an interview.

3 drinks per Chef Ramsay throwing down undercooked/overcooked/shitty-looking food on the floor.

2 drinks per every time Tony makes a reference involving his mouth.

4 drinks for every time Van is going to "Fuck someone up"

1 shot for every animal reference by Chef Ramsay, as in "You stupid donkey"
The producers must have told him to not do this as much, as I counted only 1 reference the first two episodes.

These are your rules so far, hopefully I will be updating and making more rules as we go along. And for the record, the guys are 2-0 in challenges and 1-0-1 in service, unlike the past seasons where the girls pretty much kicked ass. I'm sure if there was more tail on the Red Team, we would see the producers helping out the Red Team to go on bikini trips around Cali, but as it is, I would rather see JP in a banana hammock than most of the girls in a bikini. Also, season 2 winner, Heather, is back as the Sous Chef for the Red Team, making her the most attractive girl on the Red Team unfortunately.

So in review: Louie and Melinda sent home. Fatty McRobert from last season comes back and is a girl. Joseph is on massive amounts of steroids and freaks out, so we don't know who goes home yet for episode two. Next episode will feature firefighters and people freaking out. And Chef Ramsay will be pissed, you fucking donkey!

Go Cubs!

Hell's Kitchen is Back, You Donkey!

Tonight marks the sixth season of Hell's Kitchen, one of my favorite shows on tv. The greatest thing about Hell's Kitchen is even though it's a cooking game/reality show, it really doesn't focus much on the actual job of cooking. Plus you've got Gordon Ramsay, probably the most pissed off person on the face of the planet. If Gordo ran the Chicago Cubs, they would have only 3 players: Ted Lilly, for his unflappability and his murderistic stare that would even scare Ramsay; Koyie Hill, because even though he cut off most of his fingers on one hand, he still came back less than a year later; and Derrek Lee, because, well, Gordon is afraid of tall black guys (see Rock, Season 3 winner). The rest would have quit, or been "You're fired." Oh, wait, that's a different show, you pathetic pig.

The second greatest part of Hell's Kitchen is that they get the most incompetent cooks and chefs alive to be on the show. Last season, Coi couldn't even cook a hamburger for one episode. A fucking hamburger, you donkey! Plus, they all think they are the shit, so arguments and fights between the contestants are always hyped up by the producers. Sure it's a little cliche, but it makes for entertaining television. So here are the contestants for Season Six.

First the Red Team, or the ladies:

Amanda is a 27 year old Sous Chef who has been cooking for 3 years. Her nickname is high school was "Rodman". She went to a real culinary school and is one of the actually attractive female contestants (for chefs, anyways), which will of course piss off Chef Ramsay.

Tek has been a Line Cook for 9 years. She must suck, because usually in 9 years, you move up in your job. Tek is also a self-proclaimed member of the NYC punk scene. She's probably the gay one.

Ariel has worked as a Sous Chef for 8 years. She is also 27 (just like Amanda and Tek). Her bio is super boring and lists her grandmother as her inspiration for cooking. She will be the boring one that just flies under the radar.

Lovely is from Chicago, so normally would be my favorite. Except her name is Lovely and not Lovey. She is the "Executive Chef" at a children's camp, which means she might be able to cook hamburgers, but has no idea what fois gras is. She will be soon to leave, but not before trying to stand up to Gordon's rants.

Melinda is a Private Chef to rich people on yachts, which translates horribly to being a line cook. Plus she looks like she has a stick up her ass. She used to be part of corporate America, but decided she wanted to be more "creative". Now she puts caviar on crackers and calls it cooking.

Sabrina is a Restaurant Manager from Texas who works somewhere here in Phoenix. If she could cook, she would, instead she's a Manager. Enough said.

Suzanne is from Milwaukee and is the youngest female contestant, which will piss off Chef Ramsey. Hell, what doesn't piss that man off? She will probably stick around for a while because Gordo loves to give cutish, inexperienced girls a chance while yelling at their perky boobs.

Tenille just lost 100 pounds by cheating and getting gastric bypass. She will be the feisty black one that gets into with Chef Ramsey because as she proclaims in her bio, she is the greatest chef.

And in the Blue Corner (guys):

Andy is a 39 year old Owner and Executive Chef at his restaurant in Boston. He has published a cookbook and is an award winning BBQ competitor. Somehow he made it to Hell's Kitchen, as he is way over qualified and experienced. Andy is the front-runner for the winner.

Tony is a Culinary Store Manager living in Chicago. Why is Chicago getting the shaft on this show? Tony has a Flock of Seagulls type haircut so he might be the gay one. The gay ones always lose...and piss off Chef Ramsey.

Louis is a 45 year old, 3rd generation Cook and Diner Owner. He has spent all his life in the kitchen, so he might give Andy a run for his money. Look for the two to battle it out for the leader of the Blue Team.

Dave is an Executive Chef in California whose most notable accomplishments include hiking the Appalachian Trail. He can cook a mean can of beans, which will of course piss off Chef Ramsey.

Jim is a Sous Chef at some fancy restaurant in Nashua, NJ. He is self-trained and just like most of the females are under 35, Jim is over 35, just like the most of the guys. Looks like Gordo is setting up the guys for success, although Jim won't be a part of it.

Joseph is a former Marine who learned to cook in the service. Since he is well disciplined, he might not clash with Chef Ramsey, which will then piss him off.

Kevin is a fancy pants living in Connecticut, where he designs menus for his job, the country club, his high school, and college interns, who he lets blow him, even though he is married with a son.

Van is a young fish cook from Dallas, who actually has line experience, so might also do good on the show. That is until Chef Ramsey puts him on apps and Van pisses him off.

Show Info:

Tuesday nights will sizzle this summer when Chef Gordon Ramsay welcomes the nation's most talented and trained chefs yet to a sixth course of his unscripted series HELL'S KITCHEN.

Each week Ramsay grills the ambitious hopefuls, putting them through rigorous culinary challenges and testing them to see who can handle the pressure of a fast-paced kitchen where only the skilled survive. In each episode, Ramsay will eliminate one chef while the rest remain to fillet their way toward the grand prize of a Head Chef position at Araxi Restaurant in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada.

Canada eh?

Drunk blog to follow tomorrow morning!

Go Cubs!

It's Pop Culture Quiz Time!

Featuring: The Exquisite Existential Horror of 16 and Pregnant

Ok. First and foremost: I am not here to praise this show.

I know TMS has a long and storied history of promoting incredibly crappy television. But that isn't my style.

This nightmare is merely on while I am in the room (actually, in the interest of full disclosure, it just ended and my fiancee changed the channel to the slightly less hateful Chelsea Lately). But it is the single bleakest thing I have ever been exposed to. And I have read almost everything Samuel Beckett ever wrote, and own Joy Division's complete discography.

So I did what my father taught me to do when encountering a tough chore. I made a game out of it.

The rules: Pick out the false statements from these random true facts about this show. Every right answer earns you $50 in TMS Fun Bucks, which can be redeemed for Mustache Rides from Chaim Witz¹

The "Facts":

1. Whitney is 16 years old and pregnant.

2. She has dropped out of school to have the baby, because she is ashamed of being pregnant.

3. Her mother is also pregnant.

4. Both she AND her pregnant mother are living at her "Mee-Maw's" house.

5. Her "Mee-Maw" is renting said house.

6. Said house is already overcrowded. Before Whitney's son and her brother are even born.

7. Her "Mee-Maw's" landlord is selling the house.

8. Once the house sells, they are evicted, meaning the only good thing about the crappy housing market is that maybe the depressed economy of whatever backwater community they live in will actually keep a roof over their head.

9. Since dropping out of school, Whitney was a social recluse. Because her friends will not hang out with her for fear of "getting pregnant theyselves."

10. Did I mention everyone in East Dogpatch, or Hooterville, or St. Louis, or wherever this takes place sounds and looks like an extra from Deliverance? Because they hella do.

11. When she ran into her friends at the mall on the first day she left the house in weeks, it was more awkward than discussing "Black Quarterbacks" with my extended family...

12. Oh, remember that House of Despair currently on the market? "Mee-Maw" has to sleep on the couch.

13. Whitney and her Babydaddy Weston (WESTON?) go looking for an apartment. Despite the fact that they live far enough from human civilization that the rent for AN ENTIRE HOUSE costs less than an efficiency in Lincoln Square, they still couldn't afford it. Because they are sixteen.

14. Weston.

15. Weston has a job, but his hours are being cut gradually...

16. While clearing a drawer out in "Mee-Maw's" old room (remember, she's on the couch now!), they found her New Orleans souvenir mug with a ceramic penis for a handle.

17. This made "Mee-Maw" so angry that she told them they had to move out. To recap this one: Whitney's grandmother kicked her pregnant granddaughter out because she found her mug with A CERAMIC PENIS FOR A HANDLE.

18. In an hilarious twist of fate, Whitney goes into labor on what would have been her Prom night. If she hadn't dropped out. Because of her baby.

19. Oh, and there were complications with the labor, necessitating a C-Section. Even after the labor inducing drugs were given.

20. Oh, lest I forget, the baby was not moving enough before delivery, which necessitated being placed on a Fetal Heart Monitor.

21. I still almost forgot...she was just going in for a check-up. The baby wasn't actually due.

22. The baby was born healthy, and Weston actually ended up being good with him. Which is fortuitous, because Whitney was clearly suffering from post-partum depression.

23. The notion of a happy ending was introduced, when Weston's parents offered to let them move into their storage room.

24. A few weeks later, Whitney sat with her baby, and stated in a flat voice "I was too young to have a baby. Thank goodness I had help."

25. The baby looked like a Gray with a pignose. Or, I guess...Sean Marshall.

26. Did I mention the baby is named Weston, Jr.?

27. In celebration of their life maintaining subsistence levels, Whitney ends up baking a cake. Which looks like the easter bunny had diarrhea. Only more depressing.

28. I was just reminded on re-reading this list that Whitney cannot tie her own shoes. She has reproduced.

29. Weston, Jr.

Answer key: If you said every single one of these things was absolutely true, give yourself a mustache ride!

Tune in next week, when a weeping teenage couple decides to re-enact the plot of Juno, only with more heart-wrenching despair, as they decide to bring a baby to term for adoption!

MTV, you truly are devoted to the joy and fun of youth!

---

1. The Chaim Witz Wild Mustache Ride is unfortunately closed for repairs.

American Idol Update: Week 5

Country week always leads to a night of unparalleled trainwrecks on Idol. If they had had "Sing Irish Folk Music After Drinking Half a Bottle of Jamesons Night" in honor of St. Patrick's Day, tonight couldn't have been any worse from a musical standpoint. Then again, if not for the awful spectacle of it all, would there be any reason to watch?

Not surprisingly, no one was particularly good tonight. Even the sagely advice of Randy "Frankenstein" Travis couldn't guide this island of misfit toys to country stardom, or even country competence. Anoop Desai was probably the best with his mind numbingly slow rendition of Always on My Mind. Lil Rounds and Alison Iraheta, two of the more talented singers on the program, probably showed enough to survive but it was painfully obvious that they were out of their element.

You would think when everyone is bad it would be hard to pick the worst, but Megan and Adam took care of that. Megan did a half-talking off key version of Walking After Midnight. If this were the gong show, she would have been gonged off the stage, but since its Idol, the judges gushed over her and praised her for her bravery for singing with the flu. Flu or not, she was so bad again I remain convinced she is tanking so she can go home. Adam also butchered a country classic, Ring of Fire, but did it in a unique way. Imagine karaoke night at a Tehran gay bar in the 70s and you might come close. Its mostly a blur now, but there was a lot of shrieking and sitar music.

If you're voting for the best, go with Anoop. If you're voting for the worst, stick with Megan. Adam will get through anyway since the girls love him, even though based on the pictures What Would Tyler Durden Do? dug up, its clear he doesn't love them back. GOVERNOR X OUT.

American Idol Update: Week 4

Last week I promised the American Idol Update would be shorter to please the focus groups, which continue to tell me these posts are as popular as a double feature of Norbit and Meet Dave. Even though Idol unexpectedly continues to drone on for two hours, I will keep my word bringing only the highlights and lowlights to you, the dear reader and Idol Addict.

It was Michael Jackson week which promised to provide lots of awful performances and it certainly didn't disappoint. Out of thirteen contestants, I absolutely loathed ten, tolerated one, and liked two. The two good ones were Jasmine who did I'll Be There and Alexis who sang Dirty Diana. Naturally, the judges were lukewarm at best to both performances. They don't like Jasmine at all for some reason. I suspect they, like Cap Anson, hate black people. Yes, this includes Randy. He's an Uncle Tom. Seriously, what self respecting black man would have played bass for Journey and the Divinyls?

There were so many bad performances, but one really stood head and shoulders above (or below?) the rest. Megan's rendition of Rockin' Robin was so awful, she's already been chosen by the Vote for the Worst crowd. The song itself is something I would expect to hear at a elementary school talent show, and she shrieked and gyrated her way through it like she was hopped up on drugs. To cap off the truly awful performance, she yelled CAW! CAW! when it was over. Her intro video was all about how much she missed her kid, so I think she may have been tanking it so she can go home.

American Idol Update: Week 3

I've seen the polls and the American Idol Update is about as popular as Rush Limbaugh's Russian mobster outfit at CPAC, but I press on. Why? Well, it's this or more recipes. Don't worry. This is the last two-hour Bataan Death March Idol for awhile, so after this week they'll be mercifully brief. Allison, Kris, and Adam survived the crap gauntlet last week. Let week three's waterboarding begin:

Von Smith - Von looks like a lesbian pig. Aside from that, and I really don't want to beat a dead horse here but, white people need to promise not to sing soul songs ever again. Just stop that already. You're white, you have no soul.

Taylor Vaifanua - The nice Mormon girl from Utah attempts Alicia Keys. The nice Mormon girl fails. She's going to make someone a great sister wife when she turns 18 though.

Alex Wagner-Trugman - He sings like a middle aged woman after too many drinks, but he has a little war with Simon that's mildly entertaining. I'd keep him around for that alone.

Arianna Afsar - I'll give her this, she sings ABBA better than Pierce Brosnan does. Take that for what its worth.

Ju'not Joyner - I really wanted to hate this guy for singing Hey There Delilah, one of the most grotesque perversions of music in the last decade, but his soulful rendition actually sounded really good. As usual, I am completely floored when someone on this show has real talent.

Kristen McNamara - She was so boring I've already forgotten what I was going to say about her.

Nathaniel Marshall - So that's what a flamboyantly gay man singing Meat Loaf sounds like. No thanks.

Felicia Barton - Another girl tries Alicia Keys. Another girl fails. The voice cracking halfway through the song is never a good sign.

Scott MacIntyre - Blind Guy bores us to tears with a little Bruce Hornsby. At least he started the high five with Ryan tonight.

Kendall Beard - This girl is just a boob job away from a playboy spread. She can't sing, but fortunately for her she wants to be a country star. Talent isn't necessarily a requirement to be a modern country singer, particularly if you're a hot blond. *cough*Carrie Underwood*cough*

Jorge Nuñez - Jorge is from Puerto Rico, which is not a country. Apparently it isn't an island that produces good singers either. Muy muy malo.

Lil Rounds - If this singing thing doesn't pan out, at least she has her stripper name ready to go. I guess she can sing okay, this just isn't my type of music.

And that's it. Is there anything more sad than Kara "it's not delivery it's" DioGuardi busting out the little hip hop slang? Why yes, yes there is. The women this week were terrible, but most of them were hot, so its an okay trade off. Lil Rounds was probably the best. The stand out among the men was Ju'not, and I don't think he'll be having any difficulty making it to the next round. Vote for the Worst has selected Alex, and I'm not going to argue. Paula was disturbingly coherent this week, so the best Paulaism I could collect was this bit of vaguely sexual innuendo:

You know when to pull back. You know when to push forward.

American Idol Update: Week 2

Welcome back to Pomp...err, The Saloon where we're following American Idol Season 35 or whatever it is now. Alexis, Danny, and Michael snuck through last week. Danny and Michael were truly awful, so Alexis' tepid performance seems good by comparison.

No time to point out how much Fantasia sucks today, lets get right into it. Here's my round-up of the karaoke followed by the Paulaism of the week:

Jasmine Murray - Shouldn't the Billboard Top 100 be songs that people know? I don't recall ever hearing this before. I'm going to guess whoever sang it originally wasn't trying this hard though. Typical lame start to the show.

Matt Giraud - He's a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo, whatever the hell that is. Viva la Vida by Coldplay with a dash of faux whiteboy wannabe soul. Birthing a yard gnome probably wouldn't be as painful as this. We have an early contender for tonight's worst.

Jeanine Vailes - Jeanine is a transvestite right? Definitely getting a Ru Paul vibe here. Bad singer too. Like Bobby Jindal bad. Even Paula can't say anything good about this performance and she's completely hopped up on digitalis and vicodin right now.

Nick Mitchell - The comedian is performing as alter ego Norman Gentle. Too bad for him he's about as funny as a bag of dead puppies. I can't even give him points for being bad. It doesn't count if you try to suck.

Allison Iraheta - The obnoxious sixteen year old who sounds like she's been smoking for sixty years attempts to sing Heart's Alone. She's OK, but the stage act has got to go. Her total disdain for Seacrest is refreshing though.

Kris Allen - I can't find the words to describe how boring this guy is. This must be what being thrown in "the hole" in prison is like. Just sitting there rocking yourself and going insane, staring blankly at the bare walls...

Megan Corkrey - Her son is named Ryder. That's a truck rental company, not a name. What the hell is wrong with people? I hate the song she's singing so much I can't give you an honest opinion on her.

Matt Breitzke - Shockingly enough, we may actually have our first good singer of the new season. It only took two weeks and twenty people or so. The judges still think he can sing but don't like the song. Oh well.

Jesse Langseth - You know she's interesting when her label is "the single mom". She has a very prominent forehead. Utterly forgettable. I think I'm back in "the hole".

Kai Kalama - He starts out singing OK, but then it just deteriorates and goes nowhere. He's also way too much of a dude. We already have one Jack Johnson and that's one too many since we all know his music will cause random post office and restaurant shootings one day.

Mishavonna Henson - Any day I don't hear Drops of Jupiter, it's been a good day. No such luck this noche.

Adam Lambert - This guy is emo, but wears a lot of Mr. T bling. The only thing more confused than his look is his sexuality. To top it off, his version of Satisfaction is so horrendous Mick Jagger died just so he could roll over in his grave.

The two hour idol marathons have got to stop. Does Fox really not have anything else to put on? God help you if you watch the results show, that means three hours of your week is devoted to this crap. At least two good singers slipped in the mix tonight. I can only assume this is an oversight on the producers' part. For those of you voting for the worst, I suggest Matt Giraud and his Vanilla Ice Viva la Vida performance. If you want to vote for someone good, you actually have a guy and a girl this week. Matt Breitzke and Allison Iraheta both showed some promise. And now, here's tonight's Paulaism. GOVERNOR X OUT.

I think you can sing the telephone book.

American Idol Update: Week 1

Its been a month since American Idol returned, but even with three shows a week they haven't really done anything yet. That changed Tuesday as the auditions and gimmicky Hollywood Week drama are finally over and the karaoke started for real. All is right with the world: Paula is clearly doped up on booze and painkillers and the sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is as intense as ever. I'm also happy to announce the envelopes full of white powder from Fantasia's fan (she only has the one) have stopped coming.

Tonight's theme is songs of the Billboard Hot 100...of all time. Way to narrow it down. Why even have a theme? On to the contestants. If I understand the new rules correctly, nine of these slack jawed assholes are going home:

Jackie Tohn - ...and they're off. Off to a horrific start too! Jackie sings a terrible Elvis song so poorly I thought a giraffe was dying. To top it off, she looks like she should be buying Skoal at an Albuquerque 7-11 at 3am after pleasuring truckers at the Super 8.

Ricky Braddy - The man with the fauxhawk busts out some fauxsoul. Simon correctly points out he has the personality of a jar of peanut butter.

Alexis Grace - This girl is kind of cute, but three contestants in and I've already had it with white people singing soul music. Who has Paula in the death league? She's babbling incoherently again. Something about big sound in a small body. Her overdose may come before next season.

Brent Keith - First his video won't load and then he sings something called "Hicktown". White trash opera. Live's Shit Town would have been better. FAIL.

Stevie Wright - She was 9 when the show started. God damn I feel old. She could also be Bristol Palin's stunt double. I have no clue what she's singing, but its not bad. Of course the judges hate it. Apparently they're looking for crap. Oh yeah, Fantasia won this contest. They are looking for crap.

Anoop Desai - I'm not sure, but I think this guy played Kumar. The first real dose of AM radio schlock of the night. What 22 year old picks Angel of Mine? One who wants granny panties thrown at him in Laughlin, that's who.

Casey Carlson - Oh joy, a Police song. The Elaine Benes dancing isn't going to help her chances either. When Paula says its bad, you know its bad. She's toast.

Michael Sarver - Big dumb Okie singing a big dumb country song. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich - Malkovich? She's pretty agreeable looking - unfortunately her song Natural Woman reminds me of a tampon commercial. Ted Danson is in the audience. He'll be this season's crying girl.

Stephen Fowler - How the hell does a guy who forgets the words to the song make it to the contest? Lame. Not as lame as his version of Rock With You though.

Tatiana Del Toro - She's an attention whore, so I'm going to talk about something else. Ryan Seacrest is creepy. His "natural" interaction with the contestants and judges is so freakishly rehearsed its possible he is a robot. A gay robot.

Danny Gokey - Hero by Mariah Carey. Are you fucking kidding me dude? Paula busts out the quote of the night: "I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas." Okay then.

Wow. That was a terrible opening night. If you're voting for the worst, then there are plenty of choices for you. For my money it doesn't get any worse than Jackie's tornado bait white trash Elvis homage. If you want to vote for someone good, I don't know what to tell you. Stevie was the least awful singer of the night I guess. Hopefully next week is better.

I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas.

American Idol Returns

Its that time America. Time to tune in to a weekly karaoke contest posing as a hunt for the next great American pop superstar. I hate most things on TV, but I will admit to watching this. I myself have picked up the karaoke mic before, but unlike these people I haven't deluded myself into thinking I can sing. The auditions kind of suck, but when a complete clusterfuck of a person makes it to Hollywood you're in for a treat. Sometimes even the singers the judges gush over are beyond horrible, like Blake "Beaker" Lewis and his inane beatboxing. To get you ready for season 8, since I know you'll be watching whether you admit it or not, lets take a look back at past winners:

Season 1 - Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is actually talented, so for a brief minute it looked like American Idol may actually succeed in producing music superstars. Then they made her release a CD of 70's AM radio schlock. Her second CD Breakaway was more of her own work, wonderfully poppy and better than expected. She's a little chunky, but I still kind of dig her.

Season 2 - Ruben Studdard

Who? Oh yeah, the fat dude who beat out the homosexual muppet. Its truly amazing Fox didn't pull the plug on the show after this debacle.

Season 3 - Fantasia Barrino

You are far more likely to be hit by lighting while reading this sentence than you are to own a Fantasia CD. Even if you count the soundtrack to the Disney movie, the odds still aren't high. Season 3 isn't remembered for its winner, but for booting off Jennifer Hudson. She wasn't good enough to win Simon Cowell's karaoke night, but she was good enough to win an Oscar.

Season 4 - Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood is the perfect modern country singer: Blond hair, nice body, and absolutely no discernible talent. Have you heard this awful Before He Cheats song? She's basically gloating about being a vindictive psycho bitch.

Season 5 - Taylor Hicks

The gray haired Hicks, who is a hick, beat out Scientology enthusiast Katherine McPhee for the season 5 title. I know absolutely nothing else about this year except that this is the rock Chris Daughtry crawled out from under. Nickelback replaced Creed, and Daughtry had hoped to replace Nickelback, but unfortunately for him those canucks aren't done raping music yet.

Season 6 - Jordin Sparks

OK, this is where I came in. Sanjaya Malakar was making a mockery of the entire show every week and there were some people who actually didn't suck too hard. It was win win. In the end, Phillippi Sparks' daughter beat out a beatboxing muppet (what is it with this show and guys who look like muppets?), a disco queen, and an albino to win. She's actually gone on to have a decent career so far.

Season 7 - David Cook

All the tweens wanted David Archuleta to win this season, but cooler heads prevailed and Cook beat him out. Cook isn't that great either, he's another Creed/Nickelback/Daughtry clone, but Archuleta is a weird little shit. The tweens and their moms liked him because he looks asexual and non-threatening, but one day they're going to catch him with like 20 dead Filipino boys under his house. You heard it here first.

Season 8 - ????

Oh yes, here we are. Who will win? Who cares? Just tune in and watch the train go off the rails. Tattoo girl seems pretty good though. There's a new female judge, which means they expect Paula Abdul to OD on pain killers before next season and there are supposedly fewer gimmicks like Men Without Hats Night. SEACREST OUT.

"Where are all the Filipino boys at?"

Pomp On TV: Mad About You

There are things in this world that are so pompous, they make monocles and ascots look like something a hobo would wear to the local soup kitchen.

There are things in this world that are so pompous, they make lamb shanks look like day-old White Castle sliders.

There are things in this world that are so pompous that even Keith Olbermann won't go head to head with them.

One such thing is the show Mad About You.

I've always had a long standing grudge against Mad About You. Don't get me wrong, I can deal with pompous happenings in my life. But Mad About You takes pomposity to an entirely new level. Nay, labeling it with mere words is a futile effort, one that will most likely land a normal man or woman in the hospital, nude and weeping.

Every once in a while, television can do pompous comedy just right. The perfect example of this is Frasier. For 11 amazing seasons, Frasier was at the top of the pomp world, hurling insults and witty banter back and forth like a well-played ping pong match (Side Note: Ping Pong = VERY pompous). But where Frasier succeeded was being in on its own joke. From day 1, Frasier knew that it was completely pompous and embraced that fact.

Mad About You failed when it tried to hide its pompousness and pretend to be a show about an average newlywed couple and their 'everyday problems'. Sorry, Mad About You, but you are completely unrealistic and I hate you with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

Let's take a look at how ridiculously pompous every aspect of this show was.

This is Pompous Guy. We'll look at each pompous feature of Mad About You and award it anywhere from 1 to 5 Pompous Guys.

Paul Reiser's character on the show went to NYU film school and is a successful documentary filmmaker.

Are you serious? We're only on the first point and already the pompous level is dangerously in the red! We're going to need to slow down here or the Pomp Meter is going to overload! I award you 5 Pompous Guys.

Paul Reiser plays a character *creatively* named 'Paul'.

You can't get much more pompous than playing a character on a TV show or in a movie that shares your actual name. What, are you too lazy to remember that when someone says 'Frank, what do you think?' that you have to respond because that's your character's name? Are you saying that you're better than 99% of all actors ever in the history of time? Yes you are, and for that, I award 4.5 Pompous Guys.

'Paul' and his wife Jamie (Helen Hunt) live in Greenwich Village.

I've never been to New York, but I found this on Wikipedia: Greenwich Village was known in the late 19th/earlier to mid 20th centuries as the bohemian capital, and the birthplace of the Beat Movement. Ironically, what provided the initial attractive character of the community eventually contributed to its gentrification and excessive commercialization.

If that's not a pompous place to live, I don't know what is. 5 Pompous Guys.

During 1997, the show's theme song switched in midseason.

You can't even wait for the end of a season to change up the theme song to your show? The Spanish have a term to describe you, Mad About You: El Pompsito! Dos y medio Senors de Pompous! Ole!

Four Legs = Quadruple the pompousness.

You know your show is pompous when one of the most popular characters is the dog. And that dog chases an invisible mouse. Dumb. Also, Murray the dog's name in real life? Murray. 3 Pompous Guys.

In the final episode, you fast forward in time.

A staple of pompous shows set in New York (See: Will and Grace), at the end of Mad About You, their baby is shown all grown up. Not only that, but pompous things are thrown in for no apparent reason. Remember the dog I just mentioned? In the final episode, Mabel (the grown up version of the baby) says that Murray the dog died when she was six, but she was not told until she was twelve. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT TO THEIR KID? What did they tell the little 6 year old when she asked about where her dog went? Why did they lie to her for the next 6 years??? Unnecessary lying about pets? That's damn pompous. 4.5 Pompous Guys.

Speaking of Mabel...

You know how the daughter on the show came to have the name 'Mabel'? It stands for 'Mothers Always Bring Extra Love'. Are you kidding me??? "Not only am I going to give my daughter a stupid meaning behind her name, but it's going to be a tribute to how awesome I think I am!" If the Pompous Scale went to eight million, I don't think it would be enough to measure the sheer level of pomposity. Add to that the fact that grown-up Mabel was played by Janeane Garofalo, one of the most pompous comics on the planet, and you're reaching unmeasurable and potentially dangerous levels of pompousness. We'll have to settle for just 5 Pompous Guys, but even if you took Pompous Guy and his entire polo team and their families, that still wouldn't be enough.

Mad About You was an early-to-mid-nineties sitcom on NBC.

Just being in the same category with Seinfeld and Frasier can bump you up by at least 2-3 Pompous Guys. Shit, even The Single Guy rates a 2.5 on this fact alone! I award 4 Pompous Guys.

The entire show was based on cute little problems that never happen to real people. Ever.

This is what makes me hate Mad About You so much and what really drives the final nail into the pompous coffin. Like I said earlier, this show tried so hard to make itself seem like it was about 2 normal, everyday people that deal with the same everyday problems as the audience watching it. HA! I wish the worst problem I had to deal with during the holidays was the fact that my significant other and I accidentally bought each other the exact...same...CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! Oh my God!!! How quirky and funny!!!

They have little problems like that, exactly the way that nobody does in real life.

Go on iTunes and just read some of the episode descriptions for Mad About You. The sheer pompousness of just the descriptions defies all logic:

Season 3, Episode 4: When I'm Sixty-Four

Arriving home with a new armoire, Jamie is surprised to find it doesn't fit through their apartment doorway. Calling on their super, Mr. Wicker, for help, Paul begins to suspect that his wife's poor eyesight caused her to misread the measurements.

If that episode actually happened in real life, I think the description would have ended up more something along these lines:

Arriving home with a new armoire, Jaime wonders why it is that she was even buying an armoire in the first place, other than the fact that something similar worked on Seinfeld once, so what the hell, right? Calling on their super, Mr. Wicker, for help, Paul secretly seethes as his wife continues to spend his money on frivolous things she doesn't need. Mr. Wicker tells both of them to fuck off and that they'd better not be keeping a dog in their apartment.

Or what about this fantastic gem from later in the season?

Season 3, Episode 9: Once More, With Feeling

During an after-sex conversation, Jaime concludes that Paul doesn't like her new haircut or her meatloaf, while he is convinced that she thinks he is getting fat and that she hated their trip to Aruba.

Here's how it really would have happened:

During an after-sex conversation, Paul falls asleep. Jaime then gets high so she can daydream of a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell as she struggles to fall asleep unfulfilled and unloved.

Doesn't get much more pompous than that, does it? I award the maximum score of 5 Pompous Guys.

That gives Mad About You a score of 38.5 Pompous Guys out of a potential 45. Why out of 45 and not something like 50 or 100? Because even and round numbers aren't pompous at all, jerk. Look buddy, I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure it's hard to spell. With that, I say good day to you.

I said...good...day!

Childhood Favorites: The Nickelodeon Edition

"Welcome To Good Burger...Home Of The Good Burger...Can I Take Your Order?"

If, after reading that quote, you either A) said something like "Oh man! I remember Kenan and Kel! They were hilarious!" or B) said something like "The Good Burger movie sucked!" then you're probably in my age group...And you probably spent a lot of your tween years watching the various programming options on Nickelodeon (although I don't think we were referred to as "tweens" back then. I think we were simply referred to as "eleven" or "twelve".) Or maybe you didn't watch Nickelodeon because you had a life when you were 11 or 12. But I certainly didn't. Having acne and braces doesn't really land you any dates to the Junior High Sadie Hawkins Dance. But we'll discuss my painfully awkward adolescent years some other time...For now, let's re-live the Nickelodeon lineup of our childhood:

"Hey Dude." This was a show about a bunch of teenagers working at a dude ranch. The ranch was owned by Mr. Ernst, and his son Buddy was around, too. According to Wikipedia, Mr. Ernst bought the ranch to get away from his job as an accountant, and Buddy was pissed at the change of scenery. Who knew this show had so much back story? Anyway, from what I can remember, this show's basic formula was as follows: One of the employees gets themselves into a "pickle," (I think it was usually Ted. He was kind of a menace, from what I remember) and they spend the majority of the episode trying to get out of it, with everything getting wrapped up nicely by the time the half hour was over. Oh yeah, and this show had a sweet theme song. I'm pretty sure it both began and ended with some guy saying "Heeeeyyyyy Duuuuuuddde." I couldn't find the theme song on YouTube, but I did find this.

"Salute Your Shorts." This show was kind of the same deal as "Hey Dude," but instead of kids causing trouble at dude ranch, they were causing trouble at summer camp. The only characters I really remember are Donkey Lips and Budnick. They were always up to no good. There was also "Ug," who was the adult figure on the show. And who could forget the rediculous theme song at the beginning of the show? "Camp Anawana...We hold you in our hearts...And when we think about you...It makes me wanna fart!" Hah! Potty humor is fun! This is the best clip I could find of the intro. Ignore the random dude that seems to pop up every 30 seconds or so.

"Clarissa Explains It All." Ah, Clarissa Darling. Girls wanted to be you...Guys wanted to be with you (but only to hold hands...This was a show for kids, after all). This show was basically about the various happenings in the life of Clarissa. In the show, she breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience, hence the part in the title about "explaining it all." She has a pest of a brother named Ferguson, and a best friend named Sam who always entered her room via a ladder (how edgy!).

"All That." This was a sketch comedy show - kind of like SNL for teens. It launched the careers of people like Amanda Bynes, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Nick Cannon...Who went on to do things like star in the remake of "Hairspray," get pregnant, and marry Mariah Carey. It was also where we first met Kenan and Kel - the greatest buddy comedy duo since...Um...No one. I didn't find them funny at all. However, apparently someone thought they were funny...Because they got their own spin-off show (cleverly titled "Kenan and Kel" - to which Coolio sang the theme song. Side note: Coolio randomly made an appearance a house party when I was attending UCLA...I wasn't there, but my friend told me about it the next day. I have no idea why I decided to share this with you). And I'll admit that I actually saw "Good Burger" in the theater. I'll blame it on having a younger sister. Did you miss the movie? Here's a taste. You can now see Kenan on the actual SNL...Yelling at all of us to "FIX IT!"

"The Adventures of Pete and Pete." Honestly, I still don't know if I get this show - even today. It featured two brothers with the same name, a man known as the "strongest man in the world" who waltzed around in spandex, a band playing on the front lawn in the opening credits (the band is Polaris), and everything was shot with weird camera angles. And why on earth did little Pete have a tatto of a lady on his arm? Here's a fun fact for Cubs fans: In the show, Pete and Pete's Mom has a metal plate in her head which can pick up commentary from Cubs' games.




Ok, let's move on to some game shows, shall we?

"Guts." Do do do do ya have it? GUTS! This show featured contestants competing in various American Gladiator-type events, and at the end, everyone got to climb the giant mountain known as the "Aggro Crag." The winner took home a piece of the Aggro Crag, and probably some kind of mountain bike prize pack. When I was a kid, I wrote a letter to the people at Nickelodeon complaining that I thought host Mike O'Malley was a sexist because he never interviewed the female contestants as much as the male contestants. I also noted that I thought he should be nicer to referee Mo. Why don't I have that kind of motivation now?

"Double Dare." Oh come on...I couldn't not mention Double Dare! Who knew that trivia questions and slime could go so well together? And let's not forget the various versions of Double Dare - like Family Double Dare and Super Sloppy Double Dare. Good stuff.




"Legends of the Hidden Temple." I don't remember too much about this game show - except that there were various challenges involved, and the teams were named after colors and animals...Like "Green Monkeys."

And finally, my favorite show of all...

"Doug." Who didn't love this show about the everyday lives of cartoon adolescents? Characters included Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, Roger, and Doug's love interest - Patti Mayonnaise. I remember that everyone in the show loved a band called "The Beets," and their big hit was "Killer Tofu." And there was also "Quailman" - the superhero invented by Doug that involved wearing your underwear outside of your pants and a belt on your head. I think they tried to re-do the cartoon a few years ago, but it sucked because no one's voice was the same.

I'll close with this fitting tribute to the Nickelodeon shows we loved - performed by some young men at the University of Michigan. Rock on, boys...