Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 60 Hits, but a Whole Lotta Heart

Well kids, it's time to bid adieu to the Koyie Hill Appreciation Society for 2009. As you know, for every hit Koyie Hill delivered in 2009, I removed a section from this picture:

Koyie finishes the year with 60 hits and a .237 average in 83 games. Let's face it, Koyie isn't going to be remembered for his offensive output, but for the stretch of consecutive games he caught while Geo Soto was being weaned off pot and Ho-Hos mid-season. Koyie may not be an offensive juggernaut, but at least he ain't Paul Bako. Or Michael Barret. Or Rob Bowen.

Koyie may not have tallied enough hits to completely clear the board, but I would certainly not deprive those of you who have been following the KHAS posts all season of the chance to see the picture behind the picture. Meet Ms. Phoenix Ray:

Editor's Note: Photo has been removed from this post. To see the still not quite SFW version click here.

There are no more Koyie Hill fast facts for the year, save that Koyie Hill is one bad mother. Maybe I'm just old school, but Hill reminded me of the days when the catcher didn't have to hit to be a valuable member of the team. As long as you called a good game, blocked the balls in the dirt, and held down the running game, you could be considered a successful catcher. Anything you did with the bat was gravy.

So here's to you, Koyie Hill, a man out of time. If this were the 1980s, you might be the #1 ranked catcher in the big leagues right now. Thanks for being the hardest working backup catcher in the majors. Ice those knees and drink a cold one on the Saloon.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 50 Hits & Counting

Because Geovany Soto continues to bat like a crippled hedgehog, Lou Pinella is giving Koyie Hill more starts behind the plate, which gives me more chances to cut squares off the picture above. I'd like to say Hill's bat has risen to the occasion, but . . .

Still, Hill delivered 9 hits since the last KHAS post, so we lose 9 more squares. Enjoy.

One of the biggest questions this team will have to puzzle out in the offseason is who will be the starting catcher in 2010. Is this year an aberration for Soto or will he continue to Walton up the place next season? As it stands right now, Koyie Hill is batting .244 while his portly counterpart is hitting .212. Neither are great lines for a starting catcher.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:

Before Koyie Hill played major league baseball, he spent two years in Australia boxing kangaroos. That's a whole lot of dead kangaroos.

Have a Koyie Hill Fast Fact? send it to: khillas55@gmail.com

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 41 Hits & Counting

The Bearded One has racked up nine more hits since the last KHAS post, so I'll pull nine more boxes off of the picture. Maybe it's my imagination, but the return of Geovany's bong to the lineup seems to have lit a fire under Mr. Hill. His average is only .225, but he's hit .270 over the last month, at least according to Yahoo Fantasy Baseball. Koyie rapped a solid single to score the surging Jeff Baker last night against the Padres. With Geo still struggling, Lou has decided to split time between Soto and Hill.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:

The day Koyie Hill was born, he disappeared from the hospital. He was found several hours later, catching in a Little League doubleheader.


Send your Koyie Hill Fast Facts to: khillas55@gmail.com

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 32 Hits & Counting

It's been kind of a rough stretch for the Bionic Man. He's sporting a .204 average and has struck out 53 times in 50 games. Hill remains the only catcher on the Cubs active roster, save backup Jake Fox, and he continues to grind it out behind the plate. This is really where Hill has shone. In 393.2 innings, Hill has allowed one past ball and nailed 13 of 30 would be base stealers. He's currently sporting a .995 fielding percentage. Man, if only he could hit a little bit more. Since Geovany Soto went down, Hill has caught 207 innings, the most in the majors. Koyie is hardcore, folks. Soto will hopefully rejoin the Cubs on Friday, at which time Koyie will get some much deserved time off to get his titanium knees rebuilt and his Luke Skywalker hand recalibrated. It should also give him plenty of time to track down Leo Nunez. I would make sure I would look both ways before crossing the street, Leo. And watch your back, because Koyie's coming for you.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:


Koyie Hill's dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even Koyie Hill's dick's dick is bigger than your dick (Plus its caught a few games at the AAA level and is just waiting for its big break).

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 22 Hits & Counting

Koyie Hill rapped out another 3 hits since the last update. He's been stellar behind the dish as well and has made some nice pickoff throws. Personally, I think any catcher should get some kind of hazard pay any time Carlos Marmol comes in to pitch these days and Koyie has handled Marmol about as well as you could hope for. Unfortunately, none of Hill's recent hits came against the Phillies yesterday.

Koyie Hill Fast Facts:

Koyie Hill has a BÖC tattoo. Guess where.

Koyie Hill's official energy drink is Wild Turkey.

Like Michael Barrett, Koyie Hill was once hit in the groin by a baseball. Whereas Michael Barrett has a mangina, Koyie Hill now has a third testicle.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 19 Hits & Counting

For each hit Koyie Hill tallies in 2009, I will remove a square of the picture below, until the image underneath is revealed.
Koyie Hill delivered two hits since the last update, so two more squares fall off the board. Hill caught all four games in the weekend series, ceding the plate to Jake Fox late in the second game of the double header on Sunday. He didn't provide a ton of offense, but he's been solid behind the dish for the Cubs since Soto went on the DL. He did lace a sharply hit ball through the legs of Pujols in the first game of the double header, which was ruled an error.

A Koyie Hill Fast Fact Timeline:

June 1st, 2007: In between innings, Koyie Hill tells Carlos Zambrano that catcher Michael Barrett referred to Zambrano as a "beaner". Result: Zambrano wipes the clubhouse with Barrett, Hill comes in to catch.

July 15, 2007: Rob Bowen requests a trade after discovering the brake lines on his SUV had been cut. Jim Hendry trades him to the A's for Jason Kendall. Bowen never arrives in Oakland. Koyie Hill presents Jason Kendall with a big bag of lawn fertilizer to welcome him to the Cubs.

March 15, 2009: During the WBC, Geovany Soto receives an enormous bag of weed at his hotel in Puerto Rico from an "anonymous source". Result: Due to the munchies, Soto comes back from the WBC out of shape, resulting in more playing time for Koyie Hill.

March 30, 2009: Koyie Hill leaves several copies of RamRod magazine in front of Paul Bako's locker. Result: Paul Bako doesn't make the team, Koyie Hill is named backup catcher.

July 7, 2009: Koyie Hill lends Geovany Soto a bat for batting practice. A bat with lead weights secreted inside. Soto pulls his oblique muscle and goes on the DL, resulting in Koyie Hill becoming the starting catcher in the interim.

Send your Koyie Hill Fast Facts to: khillas55@gmail.com

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 17 Hits & Counting

Since the last KHAS post, Geo Soto remembered that the bat was for hitting, not for grinding his weed. Thus Koyie's opportunities have been limited. The backup backstop tallied his 17th hit against the Braves last night, 3 since the last post.

Some Koyie Hill Fast Facts:

Koyie Hill recently used his beard to sand down 100,000 Pinewood Derby Race cars for underprivileged Illinois youth.

Koyie Hill uses a donut weight for a cockring.

Koyie Hill's chest protector contains no padding and he only wears it for show as Koyie Hill feels no pain.

Have a Koyie Hill fast fact? Send it to khillas55@gmail.com

Koyie Hill: 14 Hits & Counting

Koyie Hill has been getting some more playing time as Geovany Soto has continued to struggle at the dish. Which can only mean it's time to remove a few more squares from the board.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:


Two of the nurses present at the surgery reattaching Hill's fingers to his hand got pregnant just from touching Koyie's severed digits. That's how much testosterone Koyie Hill has.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 12 Hits & Counting

Koyie Hill continues to hit the ball whenever he starts games. He's got 12 hits for the season in 13 games. Paul Bako hasn't sniffed the majors this year, having signed a minor league deal with the Phillies after his release. Maybe it's time to hang up the Tools of Ignorance, Gabor.

As far as the Cubs go, Koyie is a bright spot in a season populated by suckitude. Hopefully, he'll continue to hit whenever he gets a chance to play and squares will continue to fall off the board.

Koyie Hill Fast Facts:

Koyie Hill's Beard once beat Chuck Norris's beard in a beard wrestling competition.

Koyie hit .355 at Wichita State and drove in 186 runs, playing mostly 3rd base.

Here's a thought: let Hill play third and Bobby Scales can play 2nd everyday. The Cubs release Aaron Miles into the wild and bring up Jake Fox to be the backup catcher.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society

This is something I started at my other Cubs blog, Effectively Wild, The Cubs Blog That No One Reads™ (or updates regularly). Koyie Hill saved me from having to watch Paul Bako all season. For that reason alone, he deserves some kind of prize, but he's also been pretty good in the games he's caught this year. Hill did a bang-up job filling in for Geo Soto while Geo was sidelined with a sore shoulder. Hill is currently hitting .306, recording 11 hits in 12 games with a home run and 6 RBIs. Not too shabby for your backup backstop.

Hill deserves special mention beacuse he suffered a horrific injury in October of 2007, severing the fingers on one hand in a table saw accident. Koyie saved the fingers, put them on ice, and drove himself to the ER. After months of therapy he regained motion in the fingers, returned to baseball via the Iowa Cubs and proceeded to mash out 17 homeruns and record a .275 average.

Koyie Hill Fast Facts:

His middle name is Dolan.

He named his daughter Phoenix Rose Hill. It takes real balls to give your daughter a built in porn star name. She'll probably be a senator or something.

Hill's first appreance with the Cubs was on June 1st, 2007. Hill replaced Michael Barrett in the game after El Toro Loco cleaned Michael's clock in the locker room. That skirmish effectively ended the Michael Barrett era in Chicago. So not only did he prevent Paul Bako's second stint as a Cub, in a small way he enabled Jim Hendry to deal away Barrett. I love this guy.

Any way, here's the skinny: for every hit Koyie Hill tallies in 2009, I will remove a square of the picture below. As he has 11 hits, there are already 11 squares removed.