Opening Day 2009

It's Sunday afternoon and the Phillies and Braves are mere hours away from kicking off the 2009 Major League Baseball season. Hope is springing anew, as you can finally throw away your NCAA bracket and prepare to ignore the NBA playoffs. You will hear John Fogerty's "Centerfield" tomorrow, and a smile will extend across your face. Each baseball squad is currently in a position to win their division. Your fantasy baseball team looks just as good today (if not better) than anyone else in your league. You may be skipping out on work tomorrow to attend a game, or just sit at home and take in all five being shown on ESPN. Opening Day belongs to you, your team, your city, and all of the fans who live and breathe baseball.

Here are some random thoughts leading into the season:

• Looking back, doesn't it feel a little odd that the Phillies are the defending World Series champions? And not only that, but the fact that they beat out the Rays for the title? Did it all really happen? Was it the rain delay disaster that leaves a bad taste in my mouth from the World Series? I don't mean to minimize what the Phillies accomplished; they clearly put it all together at the end and won the trophy on their own merit. Maybe it's just that I had no vested interest in either the Phillies or the Rays. Perhaps I just feel unfulfilled because us Cubs fans had set ourselves up for such an emotional let down.

• Dave Winfield is now on Baseball Tonight. Is he really that tall, or are Ravech, Gammons, and Kruk all that short? Winfield looks like a beast, but has a soft and comforting voice. Is Fernando Vina still employed by ESPN? I'd like to see Winfield and Vina stand back-to-back.

• A quick look at the always reliable MLBTradeRumors.com tells us that Matt Clement has retired. Clement and his chin beard but together a few decent seasons for the Cubs, so we give him an affectionate pat on the rear as he moves on.

• The trendy prognostications this pre-season seem to be that 1) anyone can win the AL Central, including the Royals, and 2) the Reds will make a push for second place in the NL Central. The Reds claim is plausible, particularly because the Cardinals and Brewers did little to improve their clubs. The Royals, however, are still a huge step behind the Twins and Indians, who will duke it out all summer for the division title.

• I wish Peter Gammons could just write a dependable, weekly Diamond Notes column like he did back in the day. I blame the Internet.

• It's nice to have the Cubs opening the season with a night game instead of a bitterly cold afternoon game in Chicago or Cincinnati. I'm all for a two city road trip to kick off the season if it means avoiding inclement weather.

• And to expound on the last point, the White Sox/Royals Opening Day game in Chicago has already been postponed due to snow. Clearly April weather has once again come as a surprise to the schedule-makers.

• Ugh, Steve Phillips joins the ESPN Sunday Night booth. He and Joe Morgan are just so unlikeable. Rick Sutcliffe needs to be promoted to the Sunday night game in the next few years, and that's not just a Cubs bias.

• One final Cubs note: As you're all sure to know by now, Samardzija has been sent to Des Moines, and Chad Gaudin was cut. It was pretty clear that the final two bullpen spots would go to Angel Guzman (out of options) and David Patton (Rule V pick) due to their contractual constraints.

So, are we picking the Cubs to win the 2009 World Series? Not today. Today anyone can win the World Series.

Well, maybe not the Pirates.

TMS MLB Preview 09: The New York Yankees

Man, fuck this team

SO LONG -
OF Bobby Abreu, 1B Jason Giambi, C Chad Moeller, P Mike Mussina (retired), P Carl Pavano, P Sidney Ponson, C Ivan Rodriguez

WELCOME -
SS Angel Berroa, P A.J. Burnett, C Kevin Cash, P Jason Johnson, P CC Sabathia, 1B Mark Teixeira


PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Johnny Damon LF
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Mark Teixeira 1B
4. Hideki Matsui DH
5. Xavier Nady RF
6. Jorge Posada C
7. Robinson Cano 2B
8. Cody Ransom 3B
9. Brett Gardner CF

Starting Rotation - CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Chien-Ming Wang, Joba Chamberlain, Andy Pettitte
Setup - Alfredo Aceves, Damaso Marte
Closer - Mariano Rivera


The Yankees of 2009 are a lot different from the Yankees of 2008, in that they're now free of at least 3 guys who did steroids. While that sudden decline in "Cheaters on Roster" would be a glorious achievement for most teams, the Yanks still have the worst one on their books, and he's collecting more money than anyone else in the game.

Oh, Alex Rodriguez. This is a guy with worse image problems than Michael Jackson. On a squad of unlikeable, talent-laden douchebags, he's way out in front of the crowd on all counts. And it really, really, really pisses me the fuck off. A-Rod will rehab his injury until May, and his Yankees, swollen with money and pinstriped arrogance, will be just fine without him. Why? Because they've bought any Free Agent that could have possibly tripped them up.

Pitching? Sure, bring in CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett to complement the boring Asian, the fat Nebraskan, and Clemens' personal ass-licker. Trouble on offense? No worries. Dumb the mustached Oakland retard, the guy who made tearful steroid confessions en vogue for players past and present, and replace him with the shiny, bland 1B from Los Angeles. Yeah, that Mr. Clean was so irritating during his press conference, dazzling the slackjawed New York media with his homespun tale of family decision-making. Apparently, he let his wife pick the team for him, and not surprisingly, like any smart woman with an angle to play, she chooses the team willing to dump the most money in his pockets.

It's no surprise; the bloated, decrepit corpse that used to be George Steinbrenner has done well spending his pension checks this off-season. For a team with no holes to begin with, they look stronger than ever, and they have the dollar sign to thank for it.

Fuck you, New York Yankees.

You stole a fuckton of money from the city to pay for your shiny new overpriced Guido shrine in the South Bronx, soon to be filled with loudmouthed Wops paying 9 bucks for a 9oz Miller Lite (smaller bottles so they don't beat their wives too hard when A-Rod goes 0-4 with RISP) and some sort of Hard Rock Cafe.

You took money from them to pay for your arrogance, and then in the midst of a crumbling economy, you commit to spending close to $430 million on three fucking players, one of whom is so obese, he could play O-Line in the SEC. CC Sabathia is a walking ad for Type 2 Diabetes, but at least he has millions to pay for his medicine, and so does dying George, wasting away in his skybox that grazes the southern rings of Jupiter, while his fat, square-jawed, retard son continues to seek counsel from his double-chin in all things evil and morally reprehensible.

Mr. Sexy Time: fuck this shit.
I'm not picking one of these guys as some testament to America's Pastime. They're all idiots for buying into the evil empire, everything that's passe and irritating about America boiled down into one team with its own TV network and a retarded policy against facial hair. I guess if forced to pick someone, I'd go with Cody Ransom. Why? Because he's young and new to this satanism, so there's still hope of his salvation. Plus I saw him hit a 3-run HR against the Cubs tonight, so he's obviously a good fit to replace A-Rod in the lineup until that cheating, lying doublecunt returns to full fitness. Of course, as the Yankees are prone to do, they'll dump poor, hard-working Ransom down to AA until he learns to respect his fucking elders. That's what NYY is good for, and fuck 'em for it.

Fuck This Guy Especially: Joba Chamberlain
Another testament to the remarkable depths of humanity. A loud redneck with a good fastball and a damn good lawyer.

Triple Fuck This Guy With Satan's Barbed Cock: Derek Jeter
Mr. America, Mr. September, whatever the fuck you call him, he's about as culturally relevant as David Letterman. I wish his numbers would drop off and Hank would get so angry that he'd bench the fucker. It's irrational, sure, but the composite man known as Jeet is fucking loathesome to me. The 10-dollar smile, the retired golf pro hairstyle, the swagger, the endorsements from Gillett (ps. move the razor sideways next time, you fuck), the whole apple pie and high-five bullshit you adopt as the leader of this wretched cabal. You're a fucking prick, and I wish I could say that to your face. In the meantime, I hope you sprain your knee or something.
---

I hate this team. I hate what they do, I hate what they stand for, and I hate what they do to baseball. They almost made me stop paying attention to the sport, but I'll persevere, because I want the Yankees to lose at even that modest task this season.

I hope this team wins fuck-all and spends all Winter bitching and moaning at one another. Oh, and Robinson Cano? I know you shot something during your big sophomore season. You drop from hitting .342 and slugging .525 to .271/.410 in just two years? Get the fuck out, buddy. Your time will come too. Meanwhile, continue to wipe A-Rod's tears at the dissolution of his marriage, his laughable obsession with Maradona, and his generally dislikeable demeanor.

Fuck all of you and your entire fucking team. Except Cody Ransom. He seems like a stand-up guy.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Chicago White Sox

All through March (and early April), Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX

SO LONG: 3B Wilson Betemit, SS Orlando Cabrera, 3B Joe Crede, OF Ken Griffey Jr., C Toby Hall, P Horacio Ramirez, SS Juan Uribe, 1B Nick Swisher

WELCOME: P Bartolo Colon

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. DeWayne Wise CF
2. A.J. Pierzynski C
3. Carlos Quentin LF
4. Jermaine Dye RF
5. Jim Thome DH
6. Paul Konerko 1B
7. Alexei Ramirez SS
8. Josh Fields 3B
9. Chris Getz 2B

Starting Rotation: Mark Buehrle, Gavin Floyd, John Danks, Bartolo Colon, Jose Contreras, Clayton Richard
Setup: Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel
Closer: Bobby Jenks

Every year all the experts say that the White Sox will underperform. Every year I say that they will embarrass themselves with the collection of talent they put on the field day in and day out. For the last couple of years I've been dining on my words. Particularly when they returned the favor of sweeping the Cubs on their home turf.

I simply don't understand it. Thome should be getting discounts when he rides the bus. Opening day is less than a week away and they have no center fielder. Konerko and Dye will still be solid but truthfully they should have been traded last year for younger talent. Among everyone that they lost, they basically let Swisher, a fan favorite and an emotional leader, go without a fight. Jenks can still bring the heat but his control is still lacking. Contreras has always been a head case and Colon is in worse shape than most of the fans watching the game. At least they can shuck and jive the cops when they hop over the rail and onto the field.

I would now like to pause, reflect, and take this opportunity to tell A.J. Pierzynski that I will see him in hell. (Tips cap to Michael Barrett)

They do have some potential. Quentin will likely put up great numbers again and his injury was just a fluke. Gavin Floyd and John Danks are looking good coming out of the spring. Josh Fields was supposed to break out last year and never did. He's still young and could possibly do well. And finally Alexei Ramirez has shown that he can hit in the clutch.

The AL Central is a huge question mark this year. Detroit, Cleveland, and Minnesota are all built to be contenders but that didn't stop them all from crapping the bed last year. Let's face it, the White Sox have the potential to win 80-85 games again this year and could be in the hunt for back-to-back trips to the post season for the first time in franchise history.

PRESEASON AWARDS

Mr. Sexy Time: If Carlos Quentin can keep from injuring himself, he could be in line for another great year. For basically the cost of the plane ticket to Chicago, Kenny Williams picked up a gem from the D'Backs. He was on pace with MVP numbers (36 HRs in 480 ABs) until he broke his own wrist punching a bat after a foul-tip.

Are You Gonna Finish That?: Bartolo Colon just had surgery in the offseason to clean up some bone chips in his elbow. Speaking of chips, this guy weighs in at a svelte 245 pounds. He'll be 36 next month and even Don Cooper hasn't been able to locate the 2005 Bartolo who posted 21 wins for the Angels from inside that fatty husk. Pencil this guy in for a mid-season injury and a table near the kitchen.


Señor no me importa una mierda lo que piensas: I remember playing as the White Sox in Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball on my trusty Super Nintendo. There was a scrappy little guy on the roster with a twitchy elbow who would routinely rifle the ball into the gap. His name? Ozzie Guillen. Now instead of rifling anything, he's constantly under fire from the media for calling someone a fag or a punta. I bet Ozzie will be managing using nothing but Spanish by the All Star break, just so he can say whatever he wants. I'm sure that'll go over well with a guy like Thome. Ese? Did he just call me a term paper?

FOR MORE READING
South Side Sox
White Sox Interactive

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Minnesota Twins

All through March (and early April), Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

Minnesota Twins

2008 Season: 88 - 75 (2nd Place in AL Central)

SO LONG: SS Adam Everett, P Eddie Guardado, P Dennys Reyes

WELCOME: P Luis Ayala, 3B Joe Crede

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Denard Span RF
2. Alexi Casilla 2B
3. Joe Mauer C
4. Justin Morneau 1B
5. Delmon Young LF
6. Jason Kubel DH
7. Joe Crede 3B
8. Nick Punto SS
9. Carlos Gomez CF

Starting Rotation: Francisco Liriano, Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Glen Perkins, Nick Blackburn
Setup: Jesse Crain
Closer: Joe Nathan

It's now or never for The Twins. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but this is their last year in The Metrodome, and this lineup and team are certainly built for playing there. The speedy, slap hitters wouldn't cut the mustard many other places or under other coaches. It isn't sexy, but Ron Gardenhire has them contending year after year, against all odds.

They certainly face a lot of "ifs" this year. They can contend in the AL Central if Francisco Liriano can become what he was before his injury. Their offense can get a boost if Joe Crede can stay healthy and if Delmon Young can find his power stroke. The Twins should be able to manufacture runs with their speed, if Denard Span and Carlos Gomez can get on base. Joe Nathan will save damn near every game if they have a late game lead. And if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.

Who knows with the AL Central? The White Sox will almost certainly regress this year, the Tigers still have no pitching, you figure the Indians won't underachieve like last year, and maybe the Royals won't be terrible...hey, this league is for the taking. I could see 86 or 87 wins getting you the central crown. Tampa Bay Light, anyone? It will all boil down to pitching, and barring some career years in the back end of the rotation, I see the Twins coming up just shy of the Central crown once again.

PREASEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Does anyone remember that Justin Morneau won an AL MVP in 2006 and finished second in 2008? Such is life for a Minnesota Twin. Doubly so since he's a Canadian, though theoretically that stance should have softened since NAFTA. You can pencil, no, strike that, you can permanent marker in .300/30/100 for this guy. He's the highest paid Twin ever and the only one to win the Home Run Derby. Booyakasha!

Soon-to-be-Seen In Traction Award: Even though he's getting pushed by nice guy and former QC River Bandit, Joe Mauer, this one goes to Joe Crede. For the past four years Crede's back has been creaky and subject giving out, driving his team and fantasy managers crazy. Rob Dibble and Dan Patrick said Salonpas works.

Rudy Gay Bad Name Award: Kevin Slowey. Really? A pitcher named Slowey? That's like a male porn star being named Ty Neekoch. (Reach)

For More Reading
Twins Geek
Twinkie Town
Field & Stream

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Cincinnati Reds

CINCINNATI REDLEGS

SO LONG: P Jeremy Affeldt, C Paul Bako, P Matt Belisle, P Josh Fogg, OF Ryan Freel, 2B Jeff Keppinger, P Gary Majewski, P Kent Mercker (deceased, or maybe just retired), OF Corey Patterson, C Javier Valentin

WELCOME: OF Jonny Gomes, C Ramon Hernandez, OF Jacque Jones, P Mike Lincoln, P Arthur Rhodes, OF Willy Taveras, OF Daryle Ward

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Willy Taveras CF
2. Chris Dickerson LF
3. Jay Bruce RF
4. Brandon Phillips 2B
5. Joey Votto 1B
6. Edwin Encarnacion 3B
7. Ramon Hernandez C
8. Alex Gonzalez SS

Starting Rotation: Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Edinson Volquez, Johnny Cueto, Micah Owings, Homer Bailey
Setup: Bill Bray, Arthur Rhodes, David Weathers
Closer: Francisco Cordero

Oh the Reds. Last year they finished 5th. This year, who knows? They've certainly got some promising talent and the NL Central is a giant pile of shit this season so they could place second for all I know. On the other hand they have Dusty Baker, who is perfectly capable of driving any fanbase to rampant alcoholism.

I do have a contractual obligation with the Saloon to say "Joe Morgan is an ass." Other than that I don't have anything else to bring to the table here.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Jay Bruce - This firsty firsty is going to be a stud in no time. What do you mean I need to write more than one sentence about him?

I got your ROY right here!: Losing out to Geovany Soto last year in the NL ROY race, 1B Joey Votto seems primed to have an even bigger season in 2009. At the very least, his presence in the starting lineup will allow dumb white guys to shout "Ayyy Votto!" in a terrible Mexican accent.

The last time Cincy had a winning season they had this guy: Norm Charlton - This was also Griffey's first season with the Reds and the last season he ever had 100 RBI. They also had Dante Bichette. Remember when Dante Bichette started for them? Neither do I.

FOR MORE READING
Red Hot Mama

TMS MLB Preview 2009: The Kansas City Royals

'Scuse me, waiter? You got some crazy in my baseball

The AL Central's worst team will still be that by season's end, and yet, with a subtle move here and there, they've cemented a place in my heart with their slavish adherence to crazy.

I'm not sure if it's hormones in the barbecue there, or the complete dearth of excitement, but KC loves it some crazy. From George Brett's ref-spittling mania to the cuckoo joy of Jose Lima (and his giant-titted wife!), KC has become a little Midwestern haven for baseball's lunatics.

This year, in addition to the existing skittishness of Zach Greinke, one of MLB's few to land on the DL for psychological issues (does John Rocker count?), they have Coco Crisp, Sidney "Drunk Punch" Ponson, and Kyle "Fuckin'" Farnsworth, a guy as loud and angry as he is terrible on the mound. Seeing him try to bridge the 8th inning successfully for his closer, the Mexicutioner, will be hilarious, considering it's not an honor he'll enjoy very often.

Jose Guillen: don't ever try to separate him from his baseballings

I mean, this team isn't very impressive, although if a few streaky players hit a hot patch at the same time, they could do some damage (and by "damage" I mean "steal a series or two during interleague play"). DeJesus is a decent hitter, as is Guillen right behind him, and the biggest intangible could be the late-order duo of Gordon and Butler.

Mike Jacobs will have another typical Mike Jacobs season, hitting plenty of HRs with a shitty average, and of course, their complete failure to build a rotation around big-money SP Gil Meche (note: never worth the money they paid for him) will prove their bigger doom. That rotation rivals Baltimore in terms of its Special Olympics-like qualities.

There is one upside to KC, thankfully: at least the ribs at Arthur Bryant's are fucking incredible.

LET'S GIVE OUT SOME AWARDS, SHALL WE?

Mr. Sexy Times Two: Alex Gordon and Billy Butler.
In fantasy baseball, you look for guys like this and hang on tight, confident that eventually, the rookies will climb to the statistical heavens like all their projections said they would. After reasonable seasons last year, I expect 'em to shed the yoke of mediocrity and become the studs that they are. I mean, c'mon Billy, you're a fucking DH. What else can do you for us?

Why, God, Why?: Coco Crisp
I realize that KC is a small-market team, but fuck, trading for the decrepit 30-somethings of the league won't help you pull a Tampa Bay and suddenly ascend to greatness. After all, you're doing it backward; the Rays won by trading old fucks for youth, while you're tossing out all the minor leaguers you own in order to cling desperately to deadwood. He did have a decent year in '08 (like most guys reaching the end of a contract), but even so... the vast expanse of Kauffman Stadium won't do him many favors.

The Ulysses Award for Player that's Wasted on a Team Like This: Joakim Soria.
The Mexicutioner is a beast on the rubber; it's just a shame we rarely get to see him pitch when it counts. As a closer he has a bright future, but it involves him being able to get out of Kansas City first.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Detroit Tigers

DETROIT TIGERS

SO LONG: Edgar Renteria, Matt Joyce, Kenny Rogers, Kyle Farnsworth, Vance Wilson, Todd Jones, Casey Fossum, Freddy Garcia

WELCOME: Adam Everett, Gerald Laird, Matt Treanor, Edwin Jackson, Brandon Lyon

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Curtis Granderson CF
2. Placido Polanco 2B
3. Magglio Ordonez RF
4. Miguel Cabrera 1B
5. Gary Sheffield DH
6. Carlos Guillen LF
7. Gerald Laird C
8. Brandon Inge 3B
9. Adam Everett SS

Starting Rotation: Justin Verlander, Jeremy Bonderman, Armando Galarraga, Edwin Jackson, ?
Setup: Fernando Rodney
Closer: Brandon Lyon

What the hell happened to the Detroit Tigers? After suffering defeat at the hands of the Cardinals in the 2006 World Series, the Tigers have taken several steps backward. This is surprising considering the overall talent these guys have. Last year they added Miguel Cabrera to an already potent lineup including Sheffield, Ordonez, and sparkplug Curtis Granderson, yet they only managed a record of 74-88, good enough to finish dead last in the Central, a game below the Royals. The Royals! Detroit needs to pitch better if they're going to compete this year. The Indians made some quiet improvements, the Twins and Sox always seem to play well, and the Royals have some young talent on the rise, which means this division is going to be tough again this year. Aside from shoring up their catcher and closer positions by adding Gerald Laird and Brandon Lyon, the Tigers remain a team of question marks. Can Carlos Guillen stave off decline and post solid numbers this year while playing left field? Can Jeremy Bonderman regain his 2006 form after health issues? Can anyone in the bullpen stay healthy and effective? How fat will Miguel Cabrera get? Who in the name of Zeus's butthole is the 5th starter going to be? Is it time to stick a fork in Dontrelle Willis? How many cigarettes will Jimmy Leyland smoke before he says "Fuck this" and quits the team? And who the in hell thought signing Adam Everett was a good idea?

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Curtis Granderson - Detroit has some big boppers in their lineup, such as Miguel Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, and the temperamental Gary Sheffield, but its Granderson who fires this lineup. He's a solid leadoff hitter, speedy and a smart base runner, always a threat to swipe an extra bag to get into scoring position. He's also got some pop in that bat, capable of hitting the the long ball to get the Tigers out to an early lead. When Granderson is playing well, the rest of the team seems to follow suit. When he struggles or misses time, the rest of the team struggles as as well. Granderson was invited to do an interview and photoshoot with Playboy magazine in the offseason and he asked his mom's permission before going, saying “I wouldn’t have done it if she had said no to it". Aww.

The Underrated of Underrated Players: Placido Polanco - Placido Polanco always seems to be under the radar. You never hear much about this guy, yet from the time he was with the Cardinals, he's quietly put up solid numbers. He usually hits around or above .300, always seeming to be on base. Last season, he struggled in April, hitting only .227, but still posted a .307 average for the year. He could have won a batting title in 2005, but because he was traded from the National to the American League mid-season, he didn't qualify. He scored 105 runs in '07, and 90 runs last year. Polanco set the major league record for second basemen with his 186 game errorless streak. He is also the only second baseman to go an entire season (2007) without making an error. This is one of my favorite players in all of baseball to watch. Not a lot of flash, but plenty of substance there.

The Oprah Winfrey Award: Miguel Cabrera - When Miguel Cabrera first came up to the majors he weighed 210 pounds. When he reported to spring training in 2007, he was 260 pounds, mostly due to the arepa, a cornmeal pocket filled with cheese and other good stuff, worth about 550 calories, depending on the ingredients. With the Tigers, Cabrera clocked in at 240 pounds. His lack of mobility led Jim Leyland to move Miggy from the hot corner to first base. Now there's certainly nothing wrong with a little girth, but this guy's weight fluctuates like the tide. Here's hoping he can put the arepas down and keep off the weight before he becomes the Venezuelan Prince Fielder.

FOR MORE READING

Bless You Boys
Tiger Tales
D-Town Baseball

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Colorado Rockies

SO LONG: Matt Holiday, Brian Fuentes, Luis Vizcaino, Willy Taveras, Corey Sullivan

WELCOME: Thunder Matt Murton, Carlos Gonzalez, Jason Marquis, Greg Smith, Huston Street, Alan Embree,

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Ryan Spilborghs CF
2. Todd Helton 1B
3. Troy Tulowitzki SS
4. Garrett Atkins 3B
5. Brad Hawpe RF
6. Clint Barmes 2B
7. Chris Iannetta C
8. Seth Smith/Carlos Gonzalez LF

Starting Rotation: Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, Jason Marquis, Greg Smith, Jorge de la Rosa
Setup: Taylor Buchholz
Closer: Huston Street/Manny Corpas

In 2007, the Rockies were God's team. Apparently, the faithful from Coors Field angered their Lord and Saviour. After being swept out of the World Series, the Rockies took a nose dive to 3rd place in the NL West in 2008. Injuries to Todd Helton and Troy Tulowitzki derailed the offense and inconsistent pitching doomed the Rockies to a 74-88 finish. The NL West remains a very winnable division, but the Rockies are going to have to overcome the departure of Matt Holiday and get some good outings from their rotation if they're going to dethrone the Dodgers. Troy Tulowitzki needs to return to his 2007 form and Brad Hawpe needs to step up his game if this team is to succeed. They have a lot of young talent waiting in the wings, so it's not inconceivable that Helton or Atkins get dealt before the deadline. Prospect Ian Stewart needs a place to play and his bat impressed last season, so look for him to take over the hot corner sometime in '09. If the Rockies get back in the Big Man's graces, they've got a shot at the NL Wild Card, but I don't think they're going to beat the Gov's Dodgers without some pretty impressive bead juggling.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Ubaldo Jimenez - He needs to work on his consistency, but Jimenez is one of the best young arms in the game. He posted 172 Ks in 198 innings pitched in 2008, with an ERA of 3.99. Not too shabby for Coors Field. He only surrendered 11 home runs, which is another stat you've gotta love. If his performance in the WBC is any indication, the Rockies were smart to lock this kid up. Plus how cool sounding is a battery of Ubaldo Jimenez and Yorvit Torrealba?

Recycled Backend: Cook and Jimenez are a solid one-two punch, but with Jeff Francis hitting the surgeon's table that's pretty much all they've got. Their other rotation choices all seem to be other teams' discarded reclamation projects such as Jorge De La Rosa (Brewers, Royals), Jason Marquis (Cubs), and Glendon Rusch (Cubs, Padres). Even the humidor is not going help this collection of stiffs.  Much preferable would be seeing the Rockies give Franklin Morales a chance to redeem himself and testing out Greg Smith, netted in the Holiday deal.

Meet The Ginger Jesus: Thunder Matt Murton - Matt Murton has come to the mountains to free the Rockie faithful from mediocrity in 2009. First he has to win a roster spot, but that shouldn't be a problem for the Red-Headed Wonder. Mr. Murton and his strong Christian values should be right at home in the Mile High City. If Thunder gets some regular playing time, look for the Trophy Room to be a busy place this season.

FOR MORE READING
Purple Row
Up in the Rockies
ColoradoRockiesNews.com

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Boston Red Sox

BOSTON RED SOX

SO LONG: P Paul Byrd, 1B Sean Casey, C Kevin Cash, P Bartolo Colon, SS Alex Cora, OF Coco Crisp, C David Ross, P Curt Schilling, P Mike Timlin

WELCOME: OF Rocco Baldelli, P Brad Penny, P Ramon Ramirez, P Takashi Saito, P John Smoltz, OF Brad Wilkerson

PROJECTED LINEUP:
1. Jacoby Ellsbury CF
2. Dustin Pedroia 2B
3. David Ortiz DH
4. Kevin Youkilis 1B
5. Jason Bay LF
6. J.D. Drew RF
7. Mike Lowell 3B
8. Jason Varitek C
9. Julio Lugo SS

Starting Rotation: Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Tim Wakefield, Brad Penny
Setup: Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen
Closer: Jonathan Papelbon

Will, who at this point has migrated to Chuckie's side and is
completely fed-up, includes himself in the conversation.

WILL - Of course that's your contention. You're a first year grad student. You just finished some Marxian historian, Pete Garrison prob'ly, and so naturally that's what you believe until next month when you get to James Lemon and get convinced that Virginia and Pennsylvania were strongly entrepreneurial and capitalist back in 1740. That'll last until sometime in your second year, then you'll be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood about the Pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization.

CLARK - Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Wood drastically underestimates the impact of--

WILL - --"Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth..." You got that from "Work in Essex County," Page 421, right? Do you have any thoughts of your own on the subject or were you just gonna plagiarize the whole book for me?

Clark is stunned.*

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time - Tim Wakefield - I don't care what you say, the knuckleball is damn sexy. As far as I know, Tim is the only guy left in the league that still throws one. Since its the only pitch I was ever capable of throwing, I have a special place in my heart for players that still throw this abomination of a pitch.

Worst MVP Ever - Dustin Pedroia - Honestly, when I heard he was the MVP, I figured it was a joke. If you can be described as "scrappy", you're not MVP material in my book.

This Won't End Well - Brad Penny - Even at one year for a bargain basement price, having the Fragile Frankie Merman of pitchers on your staff is never a good bet. Penny will hide an injury, which leads him to give up way to many runs. When he gives these runs up, Terry Franconia will yank him and Penny will whine like a girl about it. This cycle will repeat until July when they finally put him on the shelf for the year with a pulled vagina. Have fun Red Sox Nation.

*Parts of this post may have been taken from the script of Good Will Hunting.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: The Philadelphia Phillies

2008 Record: 90-72 (1st in NL East, WS champs)

SO LONG: OF Pat Burrell, P Adam Eaton, P Tom Gordon, P Rudy Seanez, OF So Taguchi

WELCOME: 2B Miguel Cairo, OF Raul Ibanez, P Gary Majewski, P Chan Ho Park, C Ronny Paulino

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. Jimmy Rollins SS
2. Shane Victorino CF
3. Chase Utley 2B
4. Ryan Howard 1B
5. Jayson Werth RF
6. Raul Ibanez LF
7. Pedro Feliz 3B
8. Carlos Ruiz C

Starting Rotation: Cole Hamels, Brett Myers, Jamie Moyer, Joe Blanton, Chan Ho Park

Setup: Ryan Madson

Closer: Brad Lidge

A friend of mine once described Philly as a place where every available surface was damp with some form of human bodily fluid - urine, phlegm, blood or worse. That in no way links to anything I have to say about the Phillies, but I always found that amusingly disgusting. Almost as disgusting as the notion of Cheez Whiz on a steak sandwich. Jeez, can't you even get your own cuisine right, Philadelphia?

Anyway, easy prediction. Phillies win the NL East. Mets take the wildcard...done. TMS can mail my check to the usual location. Adios...
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Okay...I've just been informed that PECOTA is projecting the Phillies to rank below the Mets and tied with the Braves this year. Also, the Phils have an interleague schedule that can only be called "hilariously brutal," as they are lined up to face every good team in the AL East. Worst of all, I am apparently not getting paid for this.

Still, the Phillies offense is pretty nasty looking. It may not be the famed Murderer's Row, but it will be lucky to plead down to Manslaughter. Rollins, Utley, Howard...any of these are potential, MVP candidates - and I'm not laughing at most of the rest of them.

Of course, they're probably going to need some runs, as Cole Hamels continues to be the only Philly (Phillie? Phillee?) starter that I wouldn't be annoyed to have on my own team. I mean, I love soft tossing lefties as much as anyone, but Jamie Moyer is so old that I...that I...well, crap. I used up all my "old guy" jokes on Randy Johnson in my drunken Giants preview.

Kidding aside, the Phillies are a tough team in what is shaping up to be a tough division (abeit graded on the NL curve). I don't suspect them to repeat their Series win this year, but then again, from March to May I am still contractually obligated to believe this is "The Cubs' Year."

AWARDS:
Mr. Sexy Time: Any of a number of Philleay batsmen could qualify. I guess I'll go for Chase Utley, as a childhood of idolizing Ryne Sandberg has given me a soft spot for second basemen with surprising power. Even if his name sounds like the Villainous Head Counselor of the Rich Boys' Camp in a Meatballs sequel.

The Ronny Cedeno Memorial "Thank God He's Not a Cub Anymore" Award: Well, technically, the Mariners' Ronny Cedeno has this one locked. But I would like to extend a hearty "good riddence" to Scott Eyre's arterial fat. Would it kill you to skip one meal?

The Yuengling Award: Given annually to the player that's better than I give him credit for. A player who is nothing to write home about, but better than average. This year's recipient is Jayson Werth. I didn't even realize how good a year he had last year. And I don't see a reason he couldn't put up a pretty decent set of numbers this year. Even if he looks like a sex offender.

FURTHER READING:

The Good Phight
Beer Leaguer
We Should Be GMs

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Pittsburgh Pirates

PITTSBURGH PIRATES

SO LONG: IF Jose Bautista, SS Chris Gomez, OF Jason Michaels, 1B Doug Mientkiewicz, 2B Luis Rivas

WELCOME: OF Eric Hinske, OF Jeff Salazar, 3B Ramon Vazquez, P Rinku Singh, P Dinesh Patel

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Nate McLouth CF
2. Jack Wilson SS
3. Freddy Sanchez 2B
4. Ryan Doumit C
5. Adam LaRoche 1B
6. Andy LaRoche 3B
7. Brandon Moss RF
8. Nyjer Morgan LF

Starting Rotation: Paul Maholm, Ian Snell, Ross Ohlendorf, Zach Duke, the corpse from Weekend at Bernie's
Setup: John Grabow, Tyler Yates
Closer: Matt Capps

Were I able to find the 'search' function on this website (I blame Chip Wesley for this egregious miscue), I would have just cut and paste last year's Pirates recap into this space. For long suffering Pittsburgh fans the song remains the same. A team filled with below average talent with not much help on the horizon. Unlike a small market team such as the Twins or the Rays, the Pirates farm system is a barren wasteland filled with polite, mannered (if not a bit homely) players who unfortunately don't possess a lick of discernible talent. To wit, they passed on drafting uber-prospect Matt Wieters in favor of college relief pitcher Danny Moskos. Wieters has already been anointed as Jesus' 13th disciple. Moskos is still stuck in Single A, where last year he posted a Napientek-esque ERA of 5.95.

The eternal optimist might think to themselves: Maybe Andy LaRoche finally pans out and makes that Jason Bay trade look ok. Maybe Freddy Sanchez regains his batting title form. Maybe Ian Snell and Tom Gorzelanny bounce back and Paul Maholm quietly develops into an ace. Maybe Andrew McCutchen, Pedro Alvarez and Jose Tabata will all pan out and we can party like it's 1991. The realist realizes that none of these things probably happen and that instead, the Buccos will go about the business of extending pro sports longest consecutive losing seasons streak.

Chin up Pittsburgh. At least you have one of the better stadiums to watch your shit team in, and football is only a few months away.

Mr. Sexy Time - Nate McLouth: This bottle blonde, a poor man's Caucasian Grady Sizemore, came out of nowhere last year to give the Buccos their first legitimate star player since Honus Wagner owned the town. Quiet and unassuming, like The Hundley in the sack, it remains to be seen if he can sustain his success or if he'll join the long line of one and done corpses that litter the greater Pittsburgh area.

Speaking of one and done corpses, Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny, Zach Duke, Freddy Sanchez, I'm looking at you. Stands to reason that Paul Maholm, McLouth and Ryan Doumit are all at risk this year. Whatever you do guys, don't kiss Zach Duke on the mouth, no matter how much fun it seems like it would be at the time.

The Cory Patterson/Felix Pie Award, Given to the CF Prospect Most Likely to Fail: Andrew McCutchen - Everything you've heard about him (don't feel bad if you've heard nothing) would lead you to believe that he'll be good. Then you remember the name on the front of the jersey. Then you also remember Chris Duffy, Tike Redman, Rajai Davis and Chad Hermansen. Or maybe you don't remember those guys, which is my point.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Texas Rangers

2008 Finish: 79-83, 2nd place in AL West

SO LONG: Milton Bradley, Gerald Laird, Ramon Vazquez, Kameron Loe, Wes Littleton, Jamey Wright

WELCOME: Omar Vizquel, Derrick Turnbow, AndrEw Jones, Eddie Guardado, Brendan Donnelly, Kris Benson, Adam Melhuse

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Ian Kinsler 2B
2. Michael Young 3B
3. Josh Hamilton RF
4. Hank Blalock DH
5. Nelson Cruz CF
6. Chris Davis 1B
7. David Murphy LF
8. Jarrod Saltalamacchia C
9. Elvis Andrus SS

Starting Rotation: Kevin Millwood, Vicente Padilla, Scott Feldman, Matt Harrison, Brandon McCarthy
Setup: C.J. Wilson, Joaquin Benoit (DL)
Closer: Frank Francisco

What to say about the Rangers? They have one of the best offensive lineups in the game. They're stacked in the minors as well, with guys like Justin Smoak and Taylor Teagarden. They will undoubtedly score a shitload of runs this year, but they will still be lucky to break .500 because their starters will give up a corresponding amount of runs. The guy to watch this year is shortstop Elvis Andrus, a whiz with the leather. His bat needs a little seasoning, but the Rangers can afford to bat him way down in the order until he improves. If Andrus struggles, the Rangers have ageless (hitless) Omar Vizquel waiting in the wings.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Josh Hamilton - Former junkie and now reborn Christian and family man, Josh Hamilton was the feel-good story of 2008. Unless you're a Cub fan. While Mr. Sexy Time was blasting homers and making awesome plays in Texas, the Cubs blew through Felix Pie and the resurrected corpse of Jimmy Edmonds in center field. While Edmonds and stuntman Reed Johnson did eventually become a serviceable tandem, once can only imagine the impact Hamilton might have had playing center for the NL Central Champs last year. He was a Cub for all of about a minute and a half as the Northsiders traded him for cash to the Reds after acquiring him as a Rule 5 pick.

Who Are These Fuckin' Guys?: Rangers Pitching - Aside from Kevin Millwood, Vicente Padilla, and Eddie Guardado, I haven't heard of most of these guys. Kris Benson? Sure, guy with the slutty/crazy wife. Brandon McCarthy? Former uber-prospect with the White Sox, unceremoniously dumped by Kenny Williams in what turned out to be a smooth move. (Can you believe the Rangers at one point had Armando Galarraga, John Danks, Edinson Volquez, and Chris Young? Talk about a team that needs some new pitching scouts and fast.) C.J. Wilson? Kason Gabbard? Thomas Diamond? Warner Madrigal-seriously? Matt Harrison? John Bannister? Corey Scott Feldman? Come on. Even their closer is known more for throwing chairs than recording saves.

Why?: AndrEw Jones - The Rangers are loaded offensively. So why did they feel the need to offer this washed-up goober a contract? The LF platoon of David Murphy and Marlon Byrd can easily outhit and out-field this worthless hunk of human detritus. CF Nelson Cruz needs to play every day to develop and unless Josh Hamilton returns to his shady lifestyle, he's going to be covering right. DH? Ha ha ha ha! AndrEw hit a buck fifty-eight in 75 games with the Dodgers last year, contributing a measly 3 home runs, all while completing his amateur competitive eating training by adding 25 pounds of gristle. This year, Jones has supposedly regained his athletic form and is apologetic about his time in LA. The Rangers apparently have an outfielder fetish similar to Jim Hendry's unnatural cravings for second basemen. And AndrEw, I know there wasn't a lot of interest, but didn't you or your agent happen to check the Rangers' depth chart at OF before you signed?

FOR MORE READING
LoneStarBall.com
RangerFans.com
TexasRangersTrades

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Baltimore Orioles

I think this is a picture of Radhames Liz

SO LONG: P Daniel Cabrera, SS Juan Castro, SS Alex Cintron, P Lance Cormier, 1B Kevin Millar, P Garrett Olson, OF Jay Payton.

WELCOME: OF Justin Christian, SS Chris Gomez, C Robby Hammock, P Mark Hendrickson, P Rich Hill, SS Cesar Izturis, C Chad Moeller, P John Parrish, OF Felix Pie, P Koji Uehara, 3B Ty Wigginton, C Gregg Zaun.

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Brian Roberts 2B
2. Melvin Mora 3B
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Aubrey Huff DH
5. Ty Wigginton 1B
6. Adam Jones CF
7. Luke Scott LF
8. Gregg Zaun C
9. Cesar Izturis SS

Starting Rotation: Jeremy Guthrie, Mark Hendrickson, Koji Uehara, Rich Hill, Radhames Liz
Setup: Chris Ray, Jim Johnson
Closer: George Sherrill

My mother once told me that if I couldn't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all. This would have meant an extremely short post on this sad team in a town full of blue crabs, heroin and critically-acclaimed HBO Dramas, and where's the fun in that?

Simply put: this team is awful. Dire. In the baseball universe, the Orioles would be the starving third-world country where flies are top of the food chain and the machete is the national currency. They're pathetic beyond the top 4 hitters, all of whom are prone to more severe hot/cold streaks than someone with influenza, and their rotation is full of people who belong in AA, or college, where indifference and ineptitude reign, mildly applauded by the hayseeds that pay three dollars to get in.

I wish I could write something nice about this team beyond "Hey, Nick Markakis is Greek, or has Greek parents at least, and I love their cuisine!", but the prognosis on all fronts is grim. Without even looking at their rotation or lineup, look at the in/out above that. There's an awful lot of names there, all acquired or traded with care and thought, and yet there's barely anything salvageable. All that effort to re-shape the roster, and somehow, miraculously, you got worse!

There's deadweight from Tampa Bay, a couple of overweight, entitled catchers with low expectations, another wretched failure of a Cubs CF, and an Asian pitcher, which in itself is fast becoming as en vogue as a celebrity adopting a child from a Malaysian orphanage.

Avoid this team like the plague, and pray for their souls that the law of probabilities enables them to heave across the 45-win mark for the season. They're a depressing team for a depressing town.

Hasn't Bawlmor suffered enough without having to sweat through a summer of watching this sewage in black and orange? Apparently, thanks to a vengeful God, it must get worse before it gets better. With Andy McPhail at the helm, that might take a while.

Mr. Sexy Time: Nick Markakis.
He is a glimmer of ability amid a haze of shittiness. With three seasons and a career BA of .299, if anyone is to drag this sorry collective out of the doldrums, it could be him.

Stephen King Award for the Unlucky Guy who must have pissed on an Indian Burial Ground to get this kind of bad luck: Rich Hill.
Didn't think you'd end up at the back end of the worst pitching staff ever assembled, did you? Well, it's really depressing to see a decent man cursed with such an awful circumstance, but that's what happens when you consistently fail to live up to expectations.

After a shaky start to last season, you lost your control faster than a retiree at a chili-eating contest, and after a poor rehab spell in AAA, you're in Baltimore.

Oh, and you suffered the added ignominy of being traded for a player to be named later. A PTBNL! That means we don't even give a shit what we get back for you, as long as you're gone. Shit, we probably got the groundskeeper or something.

That said, there is still hope for you. You're a lefty; you'll get traded around a few more times before your career is over. Get used to it.

America's Least Wanted Award: Cesar Izturis.
Hang it up, man, you're clearly not meant for this sport. Perhaps if science conspired to combine you and your brothers into one player, you might be somewhat useful, but it takes a real lack of skill to end up batting 9th for the Orioles.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: San Diego Padres

SO LONG: SS Khalil Greene, P Clay Hensley, P Trevor Hoffman

WELCOME: C Henry Blanco, P Chris Britton, OF Emil Brown, 2B Chris Burke, P Kevin Correia, 2B David Eckstein, OF Cliff Floyd

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Jody Gerut CF
2. David Eckstein 2B
3. Brian Giles RF
4. Adrian Gonzalez 1B
5. Kevin Kouzmanoff 3B
6. Chase Headley LF
7. Nick Hundley C
8. Luis Rodriguez SS

Starting Rotation: Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Cha Seung Baek, Kevin Correia, Josh Geer, Wade LeBlanc
Setup: Cla Meredith
Closer: Heath Bell

San Diego, as we all know, is a beautiful city. There are abundant entertainment and extra-curricular options for its inhabitants. Given that it's 80 degrees and sunny nearly every day of the year, should we listen to the bellyaching of San Diegans over having a sub-par baseball team? Absolutely not. There is little loyalty to the San Diego brand. Their fans are generally weak of will and disassociate themselves from the team in times of trouble. They have an absolutely stunning park, in a refurbished and thriving downtown, yet they just don't care. I've been attending Padre games since Petco Park opened, and I've never really understood the disinterest. Then I witnessed this offseason, and I've come to realize that Padre fans all have a little red-headed stepchild in them. They have had no recourse but to anxiously mope around, waiting until their father figure (ownership) once again shows them the back of his hand.

Fortunately for the people of San Diego, the John Moores reign of terror has come to an end. As a part of his divorce proceedings, he has sold the Padres to a group headed by former Arizona Diamondbacks CEO Jeff Moorad. With new ownership comes the hope that the Padres will once again threaten first place in the mediocre NL West. Sadly, that will not occur this year; the Padres will be incredibly lucky to stay out of the cellar in 2009. There is a noticable dearth of talent on the roster, very little pitching aside from Jake Peavy, and no power from a lineup that plays in such a spacious park. Gone are the staples of Khalil Greene and future Hall of Famer Trevor Hoffman. Who will be next to leave for greener pastures? Peavy was the hot name all winter, in many a rumor to the Braves and Cubs. In an effort to cut costs and start fresh, look for he and tanned girlfriend-beater Brian Giles to be gone by the end of July. This is certain to be a disheartening fucking season for Padres fans.

Mr. Sexy Time: This award goes to San Diego's lone offensive force, Adrian "Wario" Gonzalez. Giles is quickly heading to DH status, and really, you couldn't pick any of their other position players out of a police lineup. By all accounts the rest of the fielders are "nice", "cute", and "swell" to spend 162 games with, but it's largely a hodgepodge cast of placeholders.

The MedicAlert Sterling Silver Bracelet Award: Elder statesman Cliff Floyd has joined the Padres after subconsciously leading the Tampa Bay Rays to the World Series last year, a feat he could not perform in Chicago in 2007. If this is his swan song, he picked a nice climate to spend his last days.

The "This Guy's Dead/Cross Him Off Then" Award: Ummmm, David Eckstein? Chris Burke? Jody Gerut? Luis Rodriguez? Hank White? Nick Hundley? Emil Brown? This team is a cornucopia of journeymen and never-were's. Yikes. Hey, at least Sea World is open year-round!

Further Reading:
Ducksnorts
Gaslamp Ball

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Washington Nationals

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS

SO LONG: 3B Aaron Boone, P Tim Redding
WELCOME: P Daniel Cabrera, SS Alex Cintron, OF Adam Dunn, P Wil Ledezma, P Scott Olsen, OF Corey Patterson, C Javier Valentin, OF Josh Willingham

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Cristian Guzman SS
2. Lastings Milledge CF
3. Ryan Zimmerman 3B
4. Adam Dunn 1B
5. Elijah Dukes RF
6. Josh Willingham LF
7. Anderson Hernandez 2B
8. Jesus Flores C

Starting Rotation: John Lannan, Scott Olsen, Daniel Cabrera, Collin Balester, Shawn Hill
Setup: Saul Rivera, Steven Shell
Closer: Joel Hanrahan

The bottom line with the 2009 Nationals squad is that they didn't jettison nearly enough of their toxic waste, and only brought more in. Adam Dunn was actually a good signing for this club, but considering they already had Wiley Mo Pena, Dmitri Young, Austin Kearns, Elijah Dukes, and Lastings Milledge, not to mention the signing of Josh Willingham, where are all these corner outfielders and first basemen going to play? Someone tell Jim Bowden there's no DH in the NL. Oh wait, scratch that. Bowden had to resign as GM on accusations of skimming cash off the contracts of foreign players. He pretty much drove the Nationals into the ground during his tenure, so it's really for the best that they take a fresh approach.

It's a sad state of affairs when the additions of Daniel Cabrera and Scott Olsen legitimately strengthen your starting rotation. Both have a history of unpredictability on the mound and in social quarters. Olsen holds the distinction of being the only player on the team that has been tasered by police, and they have Elijah Dukes on their roster! Shawn Hill has managed to hang around the club, despite only putting up seven wins in five seasons with a career 4.93 ERA. Hey, at least he has a job in these tough economic times. A lot of guys can't say that.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Yikes, slim pickings here. How about John Hanrahan? He's basically assured the closer job. The Nationals won't be very good, but there's a little bump in offensive production with Adam Dunn. That should equate to a lot of close games. Chad Cordero was able to rack up a decent number of saves despite playing for Nationals teams that were even worse than this one. For fantasy baseball purposes, Hanrahan could slightly be deemed "sexy".

Make it or Break it: It's time for Ryan Zimmerman to step up and become the player the Nationals were banking on. They don't need any pop out of him, they just need him to be a solid contact guy in the mold of Mark Grace. He needs to keep the batting average over .300 and stay healthy. The fans are already growing disenchanted with the club, so they need someone like Zimmerman to galvanize them. Is he ultimately the right guy for that? Probably not, but this year should tell us.

Cause for Hope: The Rays did it last year, right? Who says the Nationals can't go to the World Series this year? Ha, just kidding, it won't happen. The Nationals are destined for failure. The good news is that the city of Washington is already used to that.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Seattle Mariners

2008 Season: 61-101 (4th in AL West, worst record in AL)

SO LONG: 3B Willie Bloomquist, 2B Miguel Cairo, P R.A. Dickey, OF Raul Ibanez, P J.J. Putz, OF Jeremy Reed

WELCOME: 3B Russ Branyan, SS Ronny Cedeno, OF Endy Chavez, OF Ken Griffey Jr., OF Franklin Gutierrez, P Tyler Johnson, P Garrett Olson, 1B Mark Sweeney, P Chad Cordero

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Ichiro Suzuki RF
2. Jose Lopez 2B
3. Adrian Beltre 3B
4. Jeff Clement DH
5. Russ Branyan 1B
6. Ken Griffey Jr. LF
7. Franklin Gutierrez CF
8. Kenji Johjima C
9. Yuniesky Betancourt SS

Starting Rotation: Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard, Brandon Morrow, Jarrod Washburn, Carlos Silva, Ryan Rowland-Smith
Setup: Randy Messenger
Closer: Mark Lowe/Roy Corcoran/Chad Cordero

Man, it's a good thing the Mariners got rid of J.J. Putz in the offseason, 'cause (whew), what role would he play here? Over the winter, the Mariners went out and made the necessary moves to assure that they would finish no higher than fourth place in the AL West. Normally a contending ballclub will bring in an aging veteran to provide the experience and clubhouse leadership necessary for a playoff push. So why did the Mariners bring in Griffey, especially considering how hard he fought to leave that city in the first place? Sentimental value does not garner W's. He essentially replaces Raul Ibanez, so that's a solid step in the wrong direction. Did Griffey pick Seattle over Atlanta so he could hide a little more easily from the media? If Griffey's name were to ever be linked to steroids, and we're not implying that it is, would we be numb to another fallen hero of his caliber? Griffey was baseball in the 1990's. Now he has his opportunity to ride off into the sunset.

Willie Bloomquist has finally departed Seattle. I can't believe Bloomquist is only 31 years old. It seems like he's been playing for 20 years. Hopefully Mark McLemore will follow him out of town.

Outside of Felix Hernandez, this is a piss-poor pitching staff. Erik Bedard is lumped in there until he shows us something. Ryan Rowland-Smith? What, did he get married and start tacking on his wife's maiden name? Garrett Olson was kind enough to drop by Chicago during the offseason, albeit for only a few days. With the Cubs luck, Heilman will go on the DL for the season in May, and Olson will become an All-Star. Well, probably not, but the Mariners have to send someone to the All-Star game, right?

Here's one for you: Richie Sexson did not compile the stats that Seattle desired, and they released him. He of the 306 HR in 4,928 career AB, hitting .218 at the time in Seattle. Who did they replace Sexson with? Russell 'F-ing' Branyan: 133 HR in 2,000 career AB, a lifetime .230 hitter. Absolutely brilliant. You ate $6 million on Sexson's contract, and the following season you went out at signed essentially the same player. They deserve to have the worst record in the AL for two consecutive years.

Mr. Sexy Time: Instead of a player, we're giving this to new manager Don Wakamatsu. In the hiring of Wakamatsu, the Mariners are finally breaking the half-Japanese managerial barrier that has long plagued Major League Baseball. The drunk hobo (Wikipedia) tells us that his mother is Irish-American. We can therefore paint the picture that Wakamatsu enjoys eating sushi, drinking Guiness, watching Godzilla movies, and getting into fistfights.

The Bernie Madoff Award: Can you believe it's already been five years since Adrian Beltre put up those gaudy numbers during his final year in Los Angeles? A .334 batting average, 48 home runs and 121 RBI. He parlayed those numbers into a $64 million deal with Seattle (which thankfully expires after this season. Since he signed the contract, he has not hit more than 26 homers, has not eclipsed 100 RBI, and has not hit over .276. The Seattle district attorney should bring a grand larceny case against him. From here on out, contract years for players should be referred to as their "Adrian Beltre Year".

The Old Yeller Award: The residents of Seattle and the surrounding metro area. We commend you for your sticktoitiveness in light of having to put up with the worst team in the American League last year; sitting through an equally dour season from the Seahawks; the loss of your NBA team; and acting as a sacrificial lamb by employing Ty Willingham under the false pretense of him being a "good" coach. On one hand, we should put you out of your misery, but on the other hand, it couldn't possibly get any worse than this.

Further Reading:
U.S.S. Mariner
Lookout Landing

TMS MLB Preview 2009: San Francisco Giants

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

IN WHICH I ATTEMPT TO BLOG ABOUT THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WITHOUT MENTIONING SATAN WILL CLARK OR MAKING NUMEROUS TYPOS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD SIX SEVEN EIGHT SHOTS OF TEQUILA.

Note: Pictures may come later when I'm sober. I can't get them to work and I think my girlfriend is going to kill me if I don't stop cursing out loud.

2008 Record: 72-90 (4th in the already laughable NL West)

SO LONG: P Kevin Correia, SS Omar Vizquel

WELCOME: P Jeremy Affeldt, P Bob Howry, P Randy Johnson, SS Edgar Renteria, SS Stabby Stabberson Juan Uribe

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Randy Winn RF
2. Edgar Renteria SS
3. Pablo Sandoval 3B
4. Bengie Molina C
5. Fred Lewis LF
6. Aaron Rowand CF
7. That Unholy Spawn of Satan, Will Clark Travis Ishakawa 1B
8. Emmanuel Burriss 2B

Starting Rotation: Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, The Late Randy Johnson, Jonathan Sanchez, A Giant Hole That Brian Sabean Periodically Tosses Money Into Barry Zito, Noah Lowry
Setup: Bob Howry, Jeremy Affeldt
Closer: Brian Wilson

OH MY GOD I HATE WILL CLARK SO MUCH! What is there to say about the San Francisco Giants, of whom I do not hold a grudge? Other than the fact that Will Clark ruined my goddamn life in the fall of 1989, as I sat in my Aunt and Uncle's house because my own home had just been destroyed by Hurricane Hugo days previously and then that son of a bitch twisted the knife in my already devastated life their lineup is a cosmic joke more hilarious than Will Clark played on me beyond all possible schadenfreude. I mean this is a really BAD lineup, even by the already anemic NL West's standards. I begin to wonder if the Giants and the Diamondbacks had a bet running as to who could score less runs a season. Take a long, steamy look at that festering boil of a lineup. Bengie Molina at cleanup? That's a fantastic move, as both scouts and statheads agree that the best choice for a #4 is a guy with mid-range power, mediocre on-base ability, and an ability to run the 50 yard dash in slightly less than 3 minutes.

The Giants also have a lot of young question marks in the lineup. Pedro Sandroval? Fred Lewis? Travis Ishikawa? Roland Burris? None of them are proven, but I guess they all paid to play.

Of course, the Giants do have decent pitching, with 24-year old Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum and 72 year old 5-time Cy Young award winner Randy Johnson, and possibly amazing, but potentially hilariously bad Barry Zito taking the mound.

I think, given the weakness of this division, the Giants have a shot Excuse me, I need to do a shot, because my rage at Will Clark is building. Okay I'm back if the Dodgers falter and they get some breaks, but the odds are they'll fall like Mitch Williams throwing a pitch that Will Clark laced over his head to drive in both the winning run and the stake through my heart during game five of the 1989 NLCS short of taking the division. And in a real division, they'd never come close.

PRESEASON AWARDS

Mr. Hatred Time: Will Clark Mr. Sexy Time: Tim Lincecum. Seriously. He deserves to be promoted from the AA SF Giants to an actual MLB team. One that rhymes with Michago Mubs, for example.

The "I'm Still Alive Like Michael-Fucking-Myers In Halloween" Award: Will Clark. WHEN WILL YOU STOP HAUNTING MY NIGHTMARES!" Award: Randy Johnson. Seriously. All age joking aside, the man was an active major leaguer when Will Clark was breaking my heart Reagan was president.

The "I'm the Infield Equivalent of Kenny Lofton" Award: Edgar Renteria, who has also won this years coveted Derek Jeter Memorial Award for Shortstops Who Should Probably Be Moved to Third At This Point In Thier Career. I fully expect Will Clark to rot in hell for all eternity Renteria to play for at least nine other teams before he retires in eight years.

FOR MORE READING
Honestly, the Giants can screw. I suggest going here:
The Official Homepage of the Band that Will One Day Kill Will Clark Onstage In Front of THousands of Screaming Brazilians.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Cleveland Indians

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

CLEVELAND INDIANS

2008 SEASON: 81-81 (3rd place in AL Central)

SO LONG: P Brendan Donnelly, P Scott Elarton, C Sal Fasano, P Juan Rincon

WELCOME: 2B Mark DeRosa, P Matt Herges, P Carl Pavano, P Kerry Wood

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Grady Sizemore CF
2. Mark DeRosa 2B
3. Victor Martinez C
4. Travis Hafner DH
5. Jhonny Peralta SS
6. Shin-Soo Choo RF
7. Ryan Garko 1B
8. Pat Tabler LF
9. Asdrubal Cabrera 2B

Starting Rotation: Cliff Lee, Fausto Carmona, Aaron Laffey, Carl Pavano, Anthony Reyes, Jeremy Sowers
Setup: Rafael Betancourt, Jensen Lewis
Closer: Kerry Wood

This team has a lot of talent and if they stay healtdammit, I can't believe I'm going to have to watch Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa play in another uniform this season. OK, I got that out of my system. Find your center. Serenity now.

In all seriousness, this team does have some talent surrounding Sizemore but there are a lot of question marks. Is Pronk healthy? His "return" late last year wasn't exactly a rousing vote of confidence. And what about Victor Martinez? The tribe is fortunate enough to have a serviceable guy behind the plate who should probably be playing 1B somewhere. However, he's probably going to top out at about 25 hrs and that's if he stays healthy as well. Meanwhile on a team built entirely of first basemen, Ryan Garko has been logging some time in left field this spring which should give his numbers a bump.

Cliff Lee is just coming off a 22-win Cy Young award-winning season but me and everyone in the Wahoo nation will be shocked if he can do that again. Carmona looks like a good number-two guy but there are an awful lot of young pitchers in history who have put together impressive starts to their careers only to fall apart shortly after. M. Prior would be too obvious; we'll call him Mark P. They also won't have the help of CC Sabathia but hey, they brought in Carl Pavano!

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time - Grady Sizemore is clearly the offensive leader of this team. It's a shame that he's stuck leading off or else you could probably tack on another few RBIs to the 90 that he had last year. He's approaching the magical age of 27 and should post career numbers across the board.

Gehsundheit! - The Indians were looking for a new right fielder for this season and they may be in luck with a Choo. Shin-Soo Choo, to be precise. After having surgery in 2007, he finished out last year with some decent numbers. However, he's been relegated to DH for the Korean team at the WBC after his elbow began to flare up again. The job seems to be his if he can stay healthy.

FOR MORE READING
Let's Go Tribe
Tribe Report
Grady's Ladies