You Make the Call: Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler..................................or..................................Jay Cutler

Nobody cares how great of an arm you have if you keep throwing your perfect spiral 15 yards ahead of your receiver!

Bears Week 6 Preview: Falcons

There's a saying that a bye week always seems to come around when your team needs it the most. For the Bears, I couldn't agree more. Week five might seem like it's early but don't forget that these guys have been hitting since the middle of August. With injuries starting to pile up, this could not have come at a better time. It looks like we'll be getting everyone back including Hester, Knox, Hillenmeyer, and Tinoisamoa.

Unfortunately we have to play Atlanta, who didn't seem to flinch in the face of a very good defense last week. They managed to put up 45 points against San Francisco, which infuriated coach Singeltary and undoubtably led to more locker room de-pantsings than the horrible wrath of the Cortesi brothers' illustrious campaign my sophomore year of high school. We have been able to put some pressure on the quarterback, but Matt Ryan is notoriously good at avoiding sacks, only giving up two so far this season. The Bears should be able to contain Burner Turner but after Roddy White posted 210 yards and two touchdowns last week, our secondary should be more concerned than my father on prom night. Wait, I meant A father on prom night........God Dammit....

And let's not forget last years little episode. I, along with about ten friends (including the best man), were "in the bathroom" watching the end of the game in a hotel bar during a wedding. The game was well in-hand after a late fourth quarter drive led by merkin chin to put the Bears up 20-19 with only ELEVEN SECONDS on the clock. Celebration! High fives and shots for everyone!

The Bears chose to pooch the ensuing kickoff (for some reason) and Atlanta brought the ball back to their 44 yard line. They then completed a 26-yard pass to let Elam kick the game winning FG with one second left. Sadness and shots for everyone.

Let's hope that Lovie has been showing that film to the guys for the past two weeks so they can remember how that feeling tasted.

Frankly, I think this is going to be a shootout. Here's hoping for a Bears victory and some vengeance.

White Chili prediction: Bears 35, Falcons 28

Bears Recap: Week 3

The Bears added another win this week with a 25-19 victory over the embattled Seahawks. Seattle was without the help of seven starters including Matt Hasselbeck, but Seneca Wallace looked fairly impressive in his absence. The Bears added to their own injuries woes when Hunter Hillenmeyer had to leave with an injury to his ribs. No updates on him yet but I wouldn't be surprised if the team gave Derrick Brooks a call in the next week or two.

Cutler looked in control again and posted some decent numbers. With columnists singing his praises, you can barely smell the torches that they were using to run him out of town a scant two weeks ago. Unfortunately the Bears have yet to establish the run. Hopefully they can get things going against the recently victorious Lions this week.

Once again the Bears proved that they are kryptonite for kickers when Seattle's Olindo Mare missed two field goals in a game they lost by only six points. After missing only three kicks all of last year, no less. Jim Mora shared his thoughts with us after the game: "No excuses ... You've got to make those kicks ... Not acceptable. Not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable. We'll look at making a change everywhere." The good people at Coors are already working on the commercial. Hahahaha, no seriously Coors is terrible.

Let's get down to the real story of the game: the new jerseys for the Seahawks. Are you kidding me with this garbage? This is a professional football team and they look like a cross between a professional soccer team and one of the bullshit teams from Any Given Sunday. Don't believe me? It's on tonight on AMC at 7. Yes, there are some college teams with ludicrous uniforms but that's almost expected in college. Want a diamond cut pattern on your yellow and green shoulder pads? Sure thing Oregon! I wasn't sure what was making me more nauseous, the lime green or the Bears' secondary.

Next week, Bears vs. Lions. White Chili predicts a 27-14 victory for the Bears. I just hope I can still enjoy the game after I stab my eyes and ears to avoid the media bukkake leading up to Monday night when Favre plays the Packers. I'll be rooting for the terrorists.

Bears Recap: Week 2

The Bears welcomed the Pittsburgh Steelers for their home opener this weekend. The Steelers won the last three contests, all in Pittsburgh, but hadn't won in Chicago since 1995. That was the only time they have ever won in Chicago. That statement still holds true today after the Bears, despite suffering a number of injuries in week one, won with a last minute kick by Robbie Gould.

The brain-trust at the Chicago Park District decided to host a U2 concert less than a week before the home opener so the condition of the field was marginal at best, as they had to re-sod large portions after 60,000 people showed up to help contribute to the starving blah blah blah Africa.

One of the big stories was Jay Cutler rebounding from a game where he threw more interceptions in a single game than ever before, at any level. The media, both local and national, pulled no punches and seemed to think that this ONE GAME was a sign that Jerry Angelo and the Bears had made a colossal mistake. After last week I even had friends clamoring to bring back Orton.

Aaron Rodgers was sacked five times by DE Antwan Odom this week in a loss to the Bengals. Do you think that all the experts who picked the Packers to go to the Super Bowl are suddenly concerned they might not make the playoffs and that the town of Green Bay might sink into the water or simply burst into flames with another similar performance? As excited as typing that out has made me (please teacher, don't make me do the next problem on the board!), I don't think so. Every knee-jerk reactionary needs to settle the fuck down and realize that one game, a season does not make. Cutler finished this week throwing 27-38 with 238 yards and nary a pick to mention.

Matt Forte has yet to put up the same numbers we were spoiled with last season but it was hard to expect a stellar performance against a stingy Steelers defense. What did impress me was the performance of Adrian Peterson. He had a few tough runs and did a lot for solidifying himself as the number two back.

Another nice surprise was WR Johnny Knox. Part of the reason for Cutler's woes last week was due to the inexperience of his receivers. Everyone looked like they improved this week and Knox is quickly becoming a favorite target. Cutler's other go-to guy, Greg Olsen got more touches than last week, including being run over by Tyrone Carter. Olsen is a big guy but after that hit he looked like me fighting with the toilet after I discovered a place that makes pizzas with Indian food as toppings.

The defense looked better than I thought with all the replacements. Hunter did alright at MLB but our secondary was so concerned with stopping the run that the 15 yard posts were open every time. That needs to stop. On the bright side, Tommie Harris showed up this week and Alex Brown continued to dominate.

Possibly the best story of the evening was Steelers placekicker Jeff Reed missing two FGs (38,43). Those were his first two attempts at Soldier Field. Maybe they should bring in Ochocinco to kick from now on.

Next week the Bears play the Seahawks and Matt Hasselbeck is still questionable after leaving last week with sore ribs. The Bears should finally be able to get their running game going against Seattle.

White Chili's pick: Bears 24, Seahawks 17

Wednesday Will Start The Real Shark Weak

Tempe, Arizona. Gotta love it.

The kid, the Canadians, sloth and a shark. This is your Cubs starting rotation, at least for another week. Sounds more like a bad cartoon than a baseball team. According to Cubs.com, Notre Dame is ready to start, although I would prefer to see him and Marshall "platoon" the position, with each taking about 4 innings a piece, similar to what Lou did on Friday. Hopefully Gorzey can look as sharp as he did his first outing, as he was supposed to be replaced by Lilly when he got off the DL, but now with Z down it looks like he way have a couple more starts than we expected. So does this mean that right now WWWWWWWWells is the staff ace? That's pretty scary to consider really.

The Cubs will need to keep up with the Cards for the rest of the month in order to keep themselves alive going into September. The two teams play a similar schedule, with both playing series on the West coast against the Mannys and Padres. The Cards schedule is much easier for August, only playing against one team with a decent shot at the playoffs, while the Cubs will need to face both the Phillies and the Dodgers. But the Cubs will gain back 2 games, as the Cards have 3 off days and the Cubs only one. With the teams tied in the lost column, these couple extra games can either make or break the rest of the season.

So the talk at the Saloon will soon turn to include football. The Bears will have their first preseason game this Saturday against the T.O.'s. Is September probably the greatest sporting month of the year? You have football all weekend with college and the NFL, and you also have baseball heading into the final stretch. Nothing is better than watching the Bears in the morning, playing a couple games of poker and then tuning into the Cubs that night.

So let me hear your thoughts on this, 'Merica. The past 2 seasons that I have been living in AZ, myself and a group of friends from the Chicago area all get together at my buddies house to watch the games. We have our traditions including rotating weeks for cooking traditional Midwest fare, doing cannonballs into his pool and then Irish Carbombs for touchdowns and then playing poker after the game. Over this past year, he got a serious with his girlfriend and had her and her son move in with him. She has refused to let us have our gathering on Sunday, saying we are too rowdy for the 12 year old son. BUT, he said he will keep the package so that his GFF's son and his friends can watch football. Now, being the only one of our friend's to have DirectTV, the games will probably be at my new house, sans pool. The thing I'm questioning is whether or not to my friend come over to watch the games, or just make him watch them with his GFF's kid and his friends. So what do you think? Should I let him come over or "punish" him for pussying out on us?

Go Cubs!

Why Not The Bears?

With their impressive 29-13 win over the Colts last night, the Bears have started their season out on the right foot. Indy fans may blame their season-opening loss on Peyton Manning missing the preseason or Jeff Saturday, Dallas Clark and Joseph Addai getting banged up and missing game time. But the fact is that the Bears looked a lot better than just about any of us thought they would.

And what's the best thing to do after only one surprising win? Speculate, of course!

I'm only kidding. Sure, the Bears could lose the rest of their games this season. Sure, the defense could get ravaged by injuries again. But then again, the Bears could squeak out 10-12 wins and get into the playoffs again.

In 2006 and most of 2007, the Bears made playoff runs on the strength of a dominating defense, a solid running game and a Trent Dilfer-like game management job from the quarterback position.

Sound familiar? Sounds a lot like what the Bears did in Indianapolis last night. For one night, Forte looked like Thomas Jones, the old dominating defense from 2006 was back wreaking havoc and Kyle Orton actually seemed like a competent NFL player.

So why not?

Chicago Bears: FAILURE!!!

"Hey, who was that guy on our team that sucked really bad for the last couple years?"
"Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. Rex something..."
"Yeah, that's the guy. Rex...Manning? Was that him?"
"Sounds close enough. What about him?"
"Bring him back next year."
"Excellent idea. I hear anyone with the last name Manning is a guaranteed Super Bowl champ!"

That very conversation, as confusing as it may seem, actually happened in the Bears front office. How do I know this? Because Rex Grossman is going to be back with the Bears again next season.

This signing means that the Bears probably don't have any interest in bringing in another quarterback via trade or free agency. The draft is now our only hope...for 2009. I've already written 2008 off.

Cubs fans know it by heart, and Bears fans should learn it too:

"There's always next year"*


*"Next year" being 2009 in this case. 2008 is already over after this signing.

Bears Approaching Critical Mass

I really don't know how to begin to describe my feelings about the Bears' loss Sunday night. I basically went from thinking our defense might be able to bail us out of another game to being downright angry and depressed with our offense. Does Lovie need to make some changes? Fuck. Yes. Before last Sunday would be good if he can pull it off.

The differences between he-who-shall-not-be-named and Romo were like night and day. Romo was able to avoid the pass rush from the inside and the outside and keep his eyes upfield to get the ball in the hands of his guys. When our quarterback wasn't tripping over shoelaces, he was completely telegraphing his passes that he launched off his back foot into triple coverage. All his interceptions have been keeping our already beleaguered defense on the field for most of the game and it's clearly taken its toll after just a few weeks. Luckily Tommie and Lance are going to be fine for this week but we're still waiting to hear some news on Vasher's MRI.

What's more, now it seems like more than just the crowd and the offense is asking for some changes to be made. When asked how the defense felt about the quarterback situation, Tommie Harris said that you've got to support your quarterback and if you don't really feel that way, just shut up about it. Not exactly a ringing vote of confidence.

The problem is that there aren't many solutions to the problem at the moment. Who could the Bears trade for? McNabb? He was born and raised in Chicago and would probably fit in perfectly but right now there's absolutely no reason for him to leave Philly. That means using Griese and Orton as stopgap solutions until we can draft another quarterback. How long will the defense last? You've got to figure there has to be a working solution in place in the next 1-3 years to have another chance at a Super Bowl. Personally I'd like to see Murton's hair or possibly Theriot's sexy-time mustache have a crack at playing quarterback. If you were to couple that with The Neck Beard you'd have a 1-2 punch so chalk full of testosterone that it would inseminate every man and woman in the stands and they'd all give birth to a forearm covered in hair 9 months from now.

Next year's class of quarterbacks is slim and the Bears would have to really have a terrible year to find themselves able to grab one of the elite. Here is my list of hopefuls:

1. Andre' Woodson - A senior at Kentucky who has already orchestrated victories over Louisville and Arkansas and is a leading Heisman Trophy candidate. He's proven that he's a leader that can play efficiently. In this week's victory over Arkansas Woodson went 21-of-39 and has now thrown 296 passes without an interception, breaking Trent Dilfer's major college record of 271. Grossman has 6 picks in 3 games this year and 26 since the beginning of 2006. Wakka wakka!

2. Brian Brohm - Yes, he's in the Big East but it's widely speculated that the Louisville senior could go as high as the top pick in the draft next year. With Atlanta competing for that honor it's a very real possibility.

3. Colt Brennan - He sat out this week with a sprained ankle but the Senior from Hawaii holds the national record for touchdowns in a season (58) and maintained the highest passing efficiency in the country finishing 6th in the Heisman race behind winner Troy Smith, Darren McFadden, Brady Quinn, Steve Slaton, and Mike Hart. Plus, my feelings against Indy aside, Colt is a great name for a quarterback. It would be like naming your son Jeeves and having him grow up to clean and cook meals for some successful athlete named Colt.

I'd like to end on a good note so with no further ado, I give you Devin Hester's car. Note the Louis Vuitton interior/exterior:

UPDATE: Adam Schefter of the NFL Network reports that Brian Griese will start for the Bears in Week 4 at the Lions. Thank you Jebus!

Whatever

Ugh. Fine, you have your stupid ring, now please get out of my life.

Oh and Peyton. Be sure and share that MVP award with Vinatieri, Dominic Rhodes, and your defense since they were the one's that actually won it for you. You winning the MVP is the equivalent of letting the retarded kid play 5th quarter basketball in junior high.

These sour grapes taste delicious. No seriously, try some.

Tecmo Super Bowl XLI

It had been nearly two weeks since I last heard from the TMSSS2000. After the disaster that were his AFC/NFC championship predictions our favorite Tecmo simulator went into seclusion. I eventually found him holing up at the downtown YMCA, reeking of cigarettes and Night Train Express. His melancholy, down on his luck attitude wasn't so much about the bad sims from a couple weeks ago as it was from the news of Barbaro's death.

Like any classic 80's movie, just imagine me then delivering some inspirational speech to TMSSS2000, convincing him to get back into game shape and deliver just one more simulation for the Super Bowl, or else the hot dog stand at the ski camp will be taken over by the rich bully played by Billy Zabka. Then, just picture some long training montage with this song playing in the background.

Come on! You can't let Billy Zabka win!

So without further ado, here is the TMSSS2000 Version 2.0 bringing you Super Bowl XLI

Indianapolis Colts vs. Chicago Bears

Welcome to the most overhyped sporting event of the year! You can feel the 8-bit excitement as both teams have been introduced and we're ready to get underway.

Chicago wins the toss and elects to receive. Devin Hester gets things off right for the Bears with a nice return to the 50 yard line.

After an incomplete pass, Cedric Benson breaks away for a big gain and takes the Bears down to the 20 yard line. Grossman throws an incompletion, then finds Bernard Berrian in double coverage for a gain of 14.

On second and goal at the 6, Grossman dumps a short pass off to Thomas Jones who scores the touchdown (0-7 Bears). Chicago comes out swinging and puts the pressure on Indy early.

Colts begin their drive rather conservatively, running the ball on their first two plays for little to no gain. On third down, Manning drops back to pass, only to get sacked on the blitz by Brian Urlacher. Colts go 3 and out and punt.

Starting on their own 33 yard line. Benson breaks out for another big run taking it to the Colts 46. This is followed up with Benson fumbling on the very next play. Gilbert Gardner recovers and the Colts are back in business.

As the second quarter begins, the Colts continue their drive as Manning connects deep to Reggie Wayne, who takes it down to the 11. Peyton then proceeds to throw an incompletion before being sacked twice by Ogunleye and Ayanbadejo. TMSSS2000 begins to bitch to me that these names are too hard to spell and asks if we can change them to Dent and Hampton.

Vinatieri misses a 46 yard field goal. Perhaps his postseason magic was left behind in Foxboro.

Taking over at the 28, the Bears continue to feed the ball to Cedric Benson who drives them down to the Indy 42. After being sacked by Rob Morris, Grossman forces a bad pass on the next play which is picked off by Bob Sanders.

Manning, begins another drive, this time finding his man Marvin Harrison down at the Chicago 38. Another pass to Wayne gets them to the 22 yard line and the Colts are once again threatening to score.

Two incompletions and a 1 yard Joseph Addai run later and Vinatieri is kicking a 40 yard field goal to make it 3-7 Bears.

The Bears run a couple plays as time expires and we head to half time.

Being a huge Prince fan, the TMSSS2000 was pissed that he didn't sing Darling Nikki.

The Colts get the ball to start the half and do nothing with it going 3 and out.

Grossman throws for incompletion, Grossman throws for incompletion, Grossman throws for incompletion, Chicago punts.

Wow just like most Super Bowls, the TMSSS2000 is simulating this game to be equally boring apparently. The commercials haven't been too bad though. Being originally made in 1991, the TMSSS2000 has been playing Super Bowl commercials from back then. Oh MC Hammer, you really like your Pepsi don't you? Proper!

Finally some signs of life here as Manning connects with Dominic Rhodes on a short pass who breaks a tackle rumbles down to the 16. Peyton then appeared to take a page out of the Sexy Rexy playbook: Manning throws for incompletion, Manning throws for incompletion, Manning throws for incompletion. Vinatieri hits a 33 yard field goal (6-7 Bears).

Hester returns the kickoff close to the 50 again and the Bears are looking to widen their lead once more.

Benson still finding openings, has another big run, taking it down to the 21 yard line. Grossman throws a couple more incompletions before being sacked by Rob Morris for a huge loss. Robbie Gould then misses a 49 yard FG attempt.

Now in the fourth quarter, Manning and company try to take the lead as Joseph Addai takes them into Bears territory on a screen pass. The drive stalls however and being out of field goal range, the Colts are forced to punt.

The Bears are controlling the clock and are keeping the ball on the ground with runs by Jones and Benson. Benson once again breaks loose on a big run only to fumble for the second time today. The refs clear the pile on the ball and Bob Sanders has come up with it. The Colts get another chance.

With time winding down, Peyton finds Reggie Wayne on two consecutive plays and gets them down to the 8 yard line. With three seconds on the clock, Indy takes their final timeout as Adam Vinatieri heads out on the field for yet another chance to be a postseason hero. This should be a chip shot for him, and it is. The Colts win 9-7 on a field goal from Adam Vinatieri as time expires.




Adam, you son of a bitch!






Well that blows. The Bears defense did everything in their power to hold the Colts offense, but their own offense couldn't get the job done. This is sort of similar to how the Colts/Ravens game played out.

Super Bowl MVP, undoubtedly goes to Adam Vinatieri, who saved Manning's butt. Peyton may have his ring, but it was his kicker that earned it for him. Wait, why am I talking like this actually happened? For all I know (and hope), the Bears will trounce them.

Well that's it from us here at Tecmo Stadium. See you next year as a revamped and retooled TMSSS2000 will bring you more 8-bit entertainment.

Osama Bin Laden: "Go Colts!"

I've known it all along...the FBI's #1 most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden, is an Indianapolis Colts fan. He's released a chilling new video in preparation of Sunday's Superbowl. TMS's correspondent in Qatar has provided us with a transcript:

Allahu Akbar.

You, the American people, I talk to you today about the best way to avoid another catastrophe in the Superbowl.

Contrary to what you may think, you aren't all infidels and great satans to us. Some of you are truly worthy of God's praise and love; those of you who play American football for the Indianapolis Colts. Only through a Colts victory in this Superbowl can your lives be vindicated.

The transgressions of the Bears and the zionists are well documented. Only Peyton Manning and the glorious Marvin Harrison can expel them from the lands long occupied by evil groups like the Steelers, so-called Patriots, Buccaneers, and Rams. A Bears' victory would be a terrible castastrophe and a crime against Allah.

There is only one team worthy of Allah, and Peyton Manning is their quarterback. May the mercy of God be upon them. Go Colts!

There you have it. Straight from the horse's mouth (not from Barbaro's mouth though, since, well, you know...). If the Bears don't win the Superbowl on Sunday, the terrorists do.

Bartender Banter: Tecmo Blow

Well the TMSSS2000 couldn't have been more wrong with it's picks this week, and frankly I couldn't be happier. It was a little nerve racking to start the third quarter though. The Saints seemed to be on a roll as they pulled within 2 points and the Bears offense was just spinning it's wheels. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But it never did. The intentional grounding safety on Drew Brees marked the beginning of the end for the Saints and the Bears, little by little, regained their momentum. Berrian makes a ridiculous catch at the goal line, then Ogunleye murders Brees and takes the ball away, and after a while it became very clear that they were actually going to win this son of a bitch.

The most important key to that win had to be the turnover ratio. The Saints gave up the ball 4 times to the Bears 0. Sexy Rexy managed to not F it up and the Bears cruised to victory, and that seems to be all we need. Now they're going to face a team whose defensive strategy against the run is to stack 18 guys on the line and hope for the best. I'm feeling good about this. A whole lot better than seeing the Patriots in the big game. I know some were pumped about possibly seeing a Super Bowl XX rematch but honestly, if that had happened and the Patriots smoked us, I feel it would've sort of tarnished that legendary season. That, and we wouldn't be able to throw" 46-10" in a Chowderhead's face when they started droning about how wicked awesome Tom Brady has been.

A quick side note about the Bears-Pats. Apparently Yahoo was dying to see them in the big game as well. When I went to their NFL page this morning, they had a poll asking which team will win Super Bowl XLI. Your choices: Bears or Patriots. I just went back and they have since changed it, but not before I got a screen capture of it. Colts fans are probably feeling pretty surreal right now. Damn you Yahoo, why must you toy with them?


Seriously though, I can't honestly remember the last time I watched a Super Bowl where I actually gave a crap about the outcome. Looking back I'd have to say the last one where I was seriously rooting for a team was Super Bowl XXVI when the Redskins destroyed the Bills. I used to love Washington, back when I was a kid, and my favorite player was Art Monk (arguably the biggest HOF snub in any sport right now that wasn't mired in some sort of scandal). It'll be fun to cheer for a team I'm a fan of this year, instead of watching a game that I don't really care who wins, while I drink beer and eat my own body weight in junk food.

Oh, and did you hear that? That was the collective groan from Bristol, CT, over the Saints not making the Super Bowl. Alright guys, you better call Chris Connelly back from New Orleans. We won't be able to do the tearjerker puff piece on post-Katrina New Orleans that will inexplicably kill the middle portion of a Sportscenter and allow everyone to turn the channel to something that actually reports on yesterday's events and shows sports highlights.

BEAR DIGNITY!

Super Bowl Shuffle

Bear Dignity!

What a weekend. First and foremost, DA BEARS will be taking on my nemesis Peyton 'Where's the Chin?' Manning in the Super Bowl! Setting me up for either orgasmic euphoria or suicide watch. We can only hope the 'Monsters of the Midway' version of the Bear's defense decides to show up and that Rex Grossman doesn't completely suck (we can at least hope for only a 'partial-suck', like we got today). We need a mean, angry bear. Like the one that ate Timothy Treadwell in "Grizzly Man".

Secondly, there was the surreal experience that was the Cubs Media Social Friday afternoon. Yes, we talked to Thunder Matt Murton. We even gave him the website and got our photo taken with him. And yes, he liked the nickname. So Matt, if you actually didn't tear up the card I gave you and are reading this (highly unlikely), welcome to your home. You are safe here.

More photos (courtesy of a last minute, $25 disposable camera) and stories to come shortly. Suffice it to say it was a wild hour an half, complete with an impromptu adoption of Dutchie Caray as our surrogate grandmother, party plans with Mike Bielecki, a quick snapshot with Ryno and talking shop with Len Kasper, among other things. Oh yeah, and Dwight Smith.

Anyway, go Bears! One side note...I love how secretly disappointed you could tell all of the sports pundits and announcers were that the Saints didn't win. But as Tommy Buzanis aptly noted, "Hurricane Katrina? What about the Great Chicago Fire of 1871? Our city was totally destroyed. Not even one mention. Where's the love?"

Well played indeed.

Bartender Banter: 200th Post Extravaganza

200 posts here at TMS, and not a thought-provoking intellectual conversation in a single one!

NBA Bitch Fight!
I'm sure you've seen clips of the latest fracas in the NBA this past weekend. I love me some basketball fights. Only because it's entertaining to watch guys that tall essentially fight like girls. They can gracefully drive to the hoop with ease, but when it comes to throwing a punch they're the most uncoordinated looking people on earth. And how about Carmelo looking like a punk bitch with that suckerpunch on Collins? Fine if he throws a punch, but man up and hold your ground instead of sprinting away like that. "Run Carmelo! It's Jared Jeffries!"

Bears Nearly Blow It
Wow guys. You do realize you were playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers right? One thing's for sure. The Bruce Gradkowski Era looks like it's over in Tampa. He'll now be the obscure name your buddy throws out during a fantasy draft 5 years from now when everyone's joking about which QB a guy should pick.

Devin Hester finally started getting some hype this past week from the media, and what happens? He fumbles twice, including one that was recovered by the Bucs with excellent field position. Then again the folks at ESPN and such were blathering on about how great Drew Brees and the Saints were and they were stunned by a weak ass Redskins team. To stay par for the course I would expect Rudi Johnson, who according to the 'experts' is supposedly going to run rings around the Colts tonight, to rush for only 43 yards with two fumbles.

Lilly Can't Wear 31
Ted Lilly can't wear 31 for the Cubs. The number, once worn by both Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux is off limits apparently in case they decide to retire it in the future. Huh? If you're going to retire it, retire it then. Otherwise let the dude wear it. Are they worried that Lilly will become some HOF pitcher as well and they'll have an even greater predicament on their hands?

Honestly, I've made my case for Mark Grace already, but Jenkins should probably be the next number retired. I think the argument against him is that he didn't play the full majority of his career in Chicago, having spent 6 seasons with the Rangers and 2 with the Red Sox. But Fergie's greatest years were with the Cubs, and with 9 full seasons with them that was the team he played the most for and had the biggest impact with. If you wanna include Maddux in the honoring, go for it. It'd probably be silly to retire that number without giving a nod to Mad Dog as well.

Meanwhile, the Cubs have no qualms issuing #21 to Jason Marquis, which some outfielder we had once wore. I think he was Dominican and spoke very spotty English. Since Marquis is probably going to be my new favorite whipping boy, I was really hoping he'd don the infamous #13.

A Mile High Minute...Jay "Jesus" Cutler Edition

After months of clamoring from the Plummer haters, Mike Shanahan benched the veteran in favor of rookie Jay Cutler from Vanderbilt. Cutler is supposed to be the new Elway and save a franchise on its way to the playoffs from missing the playoffs (huh?).

Erm...no such luck. Cutler put up piss poor numbers against the Seahawks and the Broncos lost for the third game in a row. When they were in the AFC, the Seahawks couldn't buy a win at Mile High but they pulled it out last night. The final score was much closer than it should have been because of a lucky shot from Cutler to fellow rookie Brandon Marshall late in the forth.

Take two against the Chargers next week...I'm not holding my breath.

Gross, man.

I'm no Bears fan, but seriously, its time for the Rex Grossman experiment to end. Grossman was 6 of 19 for 34 yards and 3 picks against the Vikings as the Bears again won in spite of their offense's best efforts to lose. Brian Griese is no Jim McMahon...hell he isn't even a Steve Walsh or Eric Kramer, but he's a damn sight better than Grossman. If the Bears want to do another lame Super Bowl dance this year its time for the Griese era to begin.

Brant's Rant: Post Holiday Summary

We're back from Thanksgiving with controversy galore. Let's handle it with bullet points and comments:

• Rex Grossman. Bench him or stick with him? Lovie says Rex is the man, which is generally a kiss of death for any athlete or coach. There's no doubt in my mind that Brian Griese could minimize the turnovers to two or three instead of Rex's current pace of five per game. But if Rex is pulled, is the Grossman era effectively over? I say yes. You can't commit to a young QB and change your mind. His confidence is already shattered. We either ride it out with Grossman and win a couple playoff games, or we go for the title with Griese and draft another QB. From what I hear, the fans are 50/50 on this. Your thoughts?
• Alfonso Soriano has asked the Cubs' permission to play winter ball in the Dominican Republic. First, I think this is great. It shows that he's not the kind of guy to sign his fat contract and then sit around like King Shit. The guy wants to get better, and is now open to whatever position the Cubs want him to play. Obviously though, there is the injury risk. Wouldn't they have the foresight though to put something regarding winter ball in his contract? Or is that too obvious? Ultimately, I'm sure the Cubs will insist he doesn't play, and hopefully this doesn't get the relationship with our new money man off to a bad start. On the other hand, 20+ games in center field wouldn't hurt.
• The Astros signed Carlos Lee to a six-year, $100 million deal. Nearly $17 million per year. For a guy that was just average after his trade to Texas? A number of teams were lined up for his services, but you can't blame him for taking that kind of money and running. The Soriano signing certainly tweaked the market. It probably would have made more sense for the Astros to trade for Manny Ramirez than bog down their payroll with Lee. Hey, at least Bagwell is off the books.
• Anything else I missed?
  

Bartender Banter: Stay Classy Ron Mexico!

Enough already. Michael Vick will never be the superstar quarterback that you claim he will be. Yes, he's a tremendous athlete, but having a great physique and being athletic isn't the only thing you need to succeed in the NFL. Hell look at Peyton Manning. He's a walking potato for Christ's sake, but he has remarkable field vision and can lead his team to wherever they need to go*.

Wait, isn't this the same site that completely trashed Peyton a couple weeks ago? Yes it is, but if you read it carefully without being blinded by your rage towards us and your homosexual tendencies towards #18, you'd see that we never deny that Manning is ultimately a very talented quarterback. Well Chaim did, but he is also one of only 47 people that actually bought Paul Stanley's last album.

When all is said and done, what will we have learned from the Ron Mexico Era? Probably that 1) You're never going to be a championship team with a running QB that can't maintain a role as a pocket passer, and 2) Herpes doesn't seem to affect your speed but does greatly affect your throwing accuracy.

*Except the Super Bowl.

Bear Dignity in Foxboro
Jesus, is it bad when watching your team, you expect them to more likely score on defense and special teams than on offense? I cringe every time Grossman leads a drive now, just waiting for the pick or fumble. This is not good folks. The last thing we need is a myriad of "Is Rex hurting the Bears?" articles, right before the playoffs. Yes we all have probably punched something or someone after watching one of Grossman's 18 turnovers this season, (For those that can't do math that's 1.64 turnovers/game) but handing things over to Brian Griese isn't going to improve the situation.

Hot Stove Burning Fans' Asses
Well the Cubs made the biggest splash by locking up Soriano until the Rapture. Lots of people were shitting on the deal in how ridiculously huge it is for a 31-year old player, who's defensive skills are far from remarkable. Thankfully plenty of other teams have begun to make large signings to help take the edge of the absurdly huge Alfie contract. Some of the more notable ones are the Dodgers taking Juan Pierre for $44 million for 5 years, the Astros signing Carlos Lee for $100 million over 6 years and the Angels in what may or may not have been a panic move, signing Gary Matthews to $50 million over 5 years. The Matthews contract astounds me. Don't get me wrong I was a proponent for the Cubs trying to get him, but at $10 million a year? You can't look at that with a straight face if you were one of the ones that ripped on the Cubs' DeRosa contract. And speaking of overpaid infielders, how about the Reds signing Alex Gonzalez to the tune of $14 million for 3 years? Sure he's got a great glove, but how do Cincy fans feel about paying a shortstop that has a .246 career average $4.67 million a year?

More Like Ala-blow
Congratulations to the Iowa Hawkeyes for completely shitting the bed in November en route what is quite possibly the most disappointing seasons in recent memory. So what's their reward for squandering several games? A trip to the Alamo Bowl! Screw you Minnesota, our fans travel well so we get to go to the more prominent bowl game. Any team that loses to Indiana (who by the way lost to I-AA Southern Illinois!), doesn't deserve any bowl bid.

Speaking of Bowls...
Hooray it looks like USC vs. Ohio State for the national championship! Here's to hoping both teams contract ebola, resulting in a dual forfeiture. That's the only possibly outcome I could think of that would make me happy.

I'm sorry, the BCS is a crock of shit and the cockweasels that support it kill me. How is this possibly a better system than a playoff? How? Even more irritating are the people that rag on the playoff idea, saying it would never work. Really? So something like this could never happen? Oh, my bad. I guess I'm the asshole for thinking it would. The arguments that the BCS is better than a playoff are absurd. One argument is that the BCS puts more emphasis on a team's record. In the BCS system one loss would have a heavier factor than it would in a playoff system, thus making teams try to win every game. Huh? If I may for a moment, let me steal a line from the immortal Herm Edwards when I say, "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!" A team would have to have shit for brains to go out and play thinking, "It's OK if we lose this one, we'll still make the playoffs." Bullshit. Sure, teams in the NFL rest up guys once they've clinched the playoffs, but with 100 some odd teams in I-A, I don't think you can relax that much. The second argument is that teams would "tank" to possibly play a weaker team in the playoffs. That is equally absurd. Let's say that there was a 16 team bracket for the playoffs. Now let's say that each of the 11 conferences gets an automatic bid to their conference champion. That would leave 5 at-large bids to be determined. With only 5 spots open for teams that don't win their conference, that leaves a pretty narrow margin for error if they decide to tank a game.

I went ahead and put together what a possible 16 team bracket would look like. I filled 11 spots with the conference champion. Since the championship for a handful of conferences is still undecided I just picked the team that had the best record. Now to fill the remaining 5 spots, I simply went down the BCS rankings (Hey, it's good for something!) and picked the top 5 teams that hadn't already received a bid. This is what it looks like.

The first round of games could be played at the higher seeded schools while the latter rounds could take place at some of the current bowl sites. The 4 BCS bowls could rotate who hosts the title game like they currently do with two of the others hosting the semifinals and whichever bowl hosted the championship the year before hosting a quarterfinal game the following year.

So looking at this the at-large bids went to LSU, Arkansas, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Louisville. That means teams like Notre Dame, Virginia Tech, Auburn, and West Virginia are left out. While some would probably bitch that one of those teams deserves a spot over Houston, Ohio or Middle Tennessee, so what? Every conference in the NCAA basketball tournament gets a shot at the title, so why can't football? While every Sun Belt team would more than likely be trounced in the first round, who wouldn't love to see a team from the WAC, MAC or CUSA pull off a first round shocker? It would be awesome to watch. Who wouldn't want to see Louisville and Rutgers duke it out in a rematch? Or see if Boise State was legit enough to hang with the big boys? A playoff would be infinitely better than the BCS. For once the title could honestly be settled on the field, rather than by the coaches, the media, and some lousy computers.

Bartender Banter: Free Harold

Well as you probably already know, Harold Reynolds is suing ESPN over his termination from the network. ESPN fired Reynolds earlier this summer for what was rumored to be sexual harassment. Harold claims it was over a hug he gave to an intern with whom he later had dinner with that night. While we here at TMS do not condone sexual harassment, we do feel that Harold seems to be getting the shaft. Plus we're still bitter that his dismissal meant having to see Steve Phillips dumb face on Baseball Tonight more. If announcers can spew all sorts of stupid remarks on the air and receive only a week's suspension, this seems rather suspicious if Harold gets fired for this and he never received any warnings beforehand, like he claims. Of course we have no idea what all has happened since ESPN refuses to say anything. Dave Kindred of The Sporting News raises a good point in his article today. If ESPN is going to show Harold the door for this alleged incident, then maybe they should direct Michael Irvin there too.

Oh and if you're interested in getting your hands on that Free Harold Reynolds t-shirt, hop on over to Awful Announcing.

Gruzdy is Golden
Congratulations to former Dodger and Cub second basemen Mark Grudzielanek, who at the age of 36 earned his first ever Gold Glove. Grudzy played for the Cubs for two seasons before signing with the Cardinals in 2005. He always seemed like a good guy and no-nonsense player in the field. After watching the debacle at 2B this past season, it makes me wish we had him still.

Bear Dignity!
Well the Dolphins pretty much cleaned the Bears' clock on Sunday. While the undefeated record was nice, it's probably best that it's over with. How fitting that the team to do it was the same to knock them off in '85, thus giving everyone even more comparisons to make (Seriously, knock it off people!). Hopefully they can regroup and take care of business next Sunday night when they face the Giants. The Bears may luck out if Michael Strahan can't play, but they've got problems of their own with the "overrated" Brian Urlacher hurting his foot against Miami.

Vote, You Bastards
Just one final note before I go. Please go out and do your civic duty tomorrow. Whether it be for a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green, Socialist, Fascist, whatever, just vote. Each time the elections come around it seems we get bombarded with more and more horribly nasty negative campaign ads, that use very little truth to stain the opposition. We then become disenfranchised, disillusioned and so forth, that when the day finally comes, we opt to not go to the polls and are just thankful when it ends. Well I'm here to tell you that apathy and abstaining from the election is probably the most asinine thing you can do. If you fail to vote simply because all the negative ads have left you disenfranchised, then they achieved exactly what they were trying to do.

A Mile High Minute...Denny Green Meltdown Edition

So the Arizona Cardinals fell apart Monday night against the Bears...big shock. Well, to be fair, it was a pretty bad meltdown even by Cardinal standards. The Bears were down 23-3 with about a quarter to play, and somehow came back to win in spite of six Rex Grossman turnovers (welcome back to earth assclown) and no offense to speak of. Aside from kicker Neil Rackers, the Cardinals looked good in the game too - but they suffer from the Billy Bowtie Curse and are forever doomed.

After the game, Coach Denny Green took the podium and had his own meltdown to rival the one his Cardinals just completed on field. You can enjoy it in all its unbleeped glory at Youtube. This one may go down in the annals of great Coach/Manager meltdowns, which the good folks at The Arizona Republic are kind enough to give us a sample of. Yes, everyone's two favorites - Jim Mora's "PLAYOFFS?!?!?!?" and Lee Elia's rant against "those fucking fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans" - are chronicled there.

As for the Broncos, after whom this awesome column is named, they still have no offense. The defense continues to stifle all they encounter though and they're tied with San Diego for 1st place. Not much else to say here.