TMS Top 30 Movies

As none of you have surely noticed, we've yet to finish the TMS Top 30 Movies list. The original end date was last Christmas. We apologize. We've decided to pull a Kevorkian and end this lifeless idea. Better late than never. We left off at #13, Predator. On to the rest...

#12: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
This film marks Robert Downey Jr.'s triumphant return to notoriety. A damn good film, with the added bonus of Val Kilmer playing a homosexual private eye named Gay Perry.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Michelle Monaghan
Honorable Mention: Corbin Bernsen

#11: Good Will Hunting
Oh, you know who wrote this and starred in it. A fine film, regardless of Ben Affleck's presence.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Robin Williams
Honorable Mention: Matt Damon

#10: The Blues Brothers
One of the only musicals a man should ever watch. Near and dear to anyone that is from Chicago or loves Chicago.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Aretha Franklin
Honorable Mention: Ray Charles (alive)

#9: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Though the trilogy kicked ass, this is the one that finally got the Oscar love. Viggo Mortensen is dreamy, but I hated that whole cop-out with the green ghosts suddenly showing up and killing all the bad guys.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Billy Boyd
Honorable Mention: Sir Ian McKellen

#8: Schindler's List
Utterly depressing. But you know, good in that way that monumental movies are supposed to be.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Embeth Davidtz
Honorable Mention: Ben Kingsley

#7: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Never saw it. Heard it was good though.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Kate Winslet
Honorable Mention: Elijah Wood

#6: Pulp Fiction
One of the classics of our high school/college years. Tarantino hasn't done anything of quality since this one.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Bruce Willis
Honorable Mention: Bruce Willis

#5: The Royal Tenenbaums
This is still Wes Anderson's masterpiece, and will probably never be eclipsed. A fantastic ensemble where Gene Hackman shines and Ben Stiller is actually funny because he's not supposed to be funny.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Anjelica Huston
Honorable Mention: Gwyneth Paltrow

#4: Seven
Brad Pitt before Brad Pitt was Brad Pitt. Morgan Freeman shines though the movie is bleak, culminating in us putting Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box after her honorable mention.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: The fat guy that died of gluttony
Honorable Mention: Kevin Spacey

#3: Shawshank Redemption
A masterfully emotional film about hope and the triumph of life. Lots of shivs.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Um, Rita Hayworth?
Honorable Mention: Tim Robbins upon first entering the prison

#2: Swingers
The guys movie that taught us everything we need to know about women. Assuming you live in Los Angeles and like the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: Heather Graham
Honorable Mention: Skinny Vince Vaughan

#1: The Big Lebowski
One of the biggest cult classics of all time, and possibly the most quoted movie ever. A bevy of bowling, cultural references, and showdogs with papers.

Actor/Actress the Bartenders Would Most Like to Bed: The Asian Carpet Pisser
Honorable Mention: Tara Reid

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #13 Predator

Title: Predator
Year: 1987
Genre: Action, Sci-fi
Main Actors: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura
Ranked: Highly by Brant Brown

Two future Governors battle Royce Clayton in a jungle somewhere.

Read the rest here. I'm goin' huntin'.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #14 Goodfellas

Title: Goodfellas
Year: 1990
Genre: Organized Crime
Main Actors: Ray Liotta, Bob DeNiro, Joe Pesci, Lorraine Bracco
Ranked: The Hundley #4, Chip Wesley #8

Synopsis (via RottenTomatoes.com)
Based on Nicholas Pileggi's book WISEGUY, Martin Scorsese's GOODFELLAS is a wry, violent, and exhilarating film about the life of Henry Hill, an aspiring criminal who ends up in the FBI's witness protection program after testifying against his former partners. As a poor Irish-Italian growing up in 1950s New York City, Hill (Ray Liotta) rises through the ranks of his Brooklyn neighborhood's organized crime branch, and with money from the mob he begins living the good life, complete with a beautiful bride, Karen (Lorraine Bracco), a fancy house, and the best seats at the most exclusive restaurants. A botched robbery lands Henry in prison for a brief period of time, and when he gets released, his reckless infidelities and drug abuse damage his association with his adopted family. Scorsese's film is a visual and sonic onslaught, featuring a brilliant pop-music soundtrack and stunning camera work--including the infamous Steadicam one-take that introduces the audience to the Copacabana's patrons. He uses the songs to infuse a breathtaking, invigorating rhythm into every scene. As the psychopathic Tommy DeVito, Joe Pesci delivers an unforgettable performance that is alarming in its cold-blooded callousness, helping to cement GOODFELLAS' place as a classic portrait of life in the mob.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
It's tough to go wrong with a Mafia movie when you have heavyweights acting and directing the feature. Sure, much of it is cliche, but Scorsese works some magic in this one, and tells Henry Hill's story with great detail and amazing cinematography. You could make the argument that Scorsese deserved some hardware for directing and co-writing the script. Maybe the Academy just figured that a cast like that could make any movie great.

The fact that the movie is based on a true story is great as well. The movies spans through a period of 20 years or so, and seeing the characters philosophies and physical characteristics change is key. You get to see the good old days period in Brooklyn, when people looked out for one another in a much simpler time. You get to see that grow into a period of decadence, where a wiseguy did what he wanted, like in the now famous shot of Liotta taking Bracco to a show, not having to wait in line, having doors opened for them, and getting a table front and center. We're also treated to the decadent life of mobsters in PRISON of all places. Steaks, pasta, fine wines and cheeses, you name it. All at their beckoning. And of course, we get to see all of them fall.

Monster Role
Goodfellas features two actors who turn in career performances - Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci. Sorry if I offended fans of Unlawful Entry and Home Alone, but them's the facts. Few guys in Hollywood can play a neurotic, coked-up gangster like Ray Liotta did here. And kudos to the makeup department for giving him a constant cocaine enduced sweat glaze for the entire second half of the film. In the other monster role, Pesci gives us classic Pesci - a hyperactive goon that suffers from Little Man Syndrome and is prone to vulgar and offensive language. Sure, it's the same role as he had in Casino and to an extent, My Cousin Vinny, but this film features him doing better than ever before. Pesci is also the most quotable character of the film.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
Liotta, DeNiro, and Pesci all enter their favorite neighborhood bar to have a few drinks. Upon entering, they see Pesci's cousin, Billy Batts, who was recently released from prison. Billy Batts is on a roll, busting Pesci's balls about how he used to shine everyone's shoes when he was a boy. Pesci wants to hear none of this, and voices his anger toward his cousin, spouting that he's a big deal now. Batts feigns an apology, buys Pesci and company a drink, before ultimate saying, "Now go get your fucking shine box." Batts ends up shot and stabbed about 50 times before being buried in the woods.

Watch This Movie if You Like
Cussing, Drugs, La Cosa Nostra, Quotable Lines, slicing garlic with a razor blade.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #15 Fellowship of the Ring

Title: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Year: 2001
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Main Actors: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Ian McKellan, Viggo Mortensen, Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett, Billy Boyd, Christopher Lee
Ranked: Brant Brown #9, Chaim Witz #3



This movie is too long to write about.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #17 Saving Private Ryan

Title: Saving Private Ryan
Year: 1998
Genre: War
Main Actors: Tom Hanks, Tom Sizemore, Ed Burns, Barry Pepper, Jeremy Davies, Adam Goldberg, Giovanni Ribisi, Matt Damon
Ranked: Dave Thomas #10, The Hundley #3

Synopsis
A specially assembled unit of soldiers from the 101st Rangers Division are ordered to track down James Ryan (Damon) to send him home to his mother, who is grieving the loss of his three brothers. Captain John Miller (Hanks) is chosen as the leader of the group, who must go behind enemy lines to track down Private Ryan. Along the way we are introduced to the other members of the search party and their attitudes and opinions on war and what saving James Ryan means.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Patriotism. It's almost un-American to NOT like this movie. The opening 25 minutes of this movie is perhaps the best war reenactment ever filmed. So great in fact, that many veterans of the actual D-Day have marveled at it's authenticity. Many veterans have also found that opening scene very intense and difficult to watch because of its realistic portrayal, and many had to leave the theatre. The supporting cast also plays a big role in the success. Ed Burns gives a great performance as a tough talking Brooklynite and Barry Pepper as a Bible quoting bumpkin sniper with a thick southern accent. If you pay attention you'll also catch some great cameos by Ted Danson providing morals, Dennis Farina living the good life while on the battlefield, and Paul Giamatti stealing scenes where he portrays a nervous (and bald) sergeant.

Monster Role
It's easy to point out the great performance turned in by Tom Hanks. More than anyone else in the movie, he is the main character and the Moral Majority for the audience, showing his John Wayne type bravery while also showing a vulnerable, compassionate side that will do whatever it takes to get home. However, the monster role was turned in by the translator-turned-battlefield soldier, Timothy Upham (Jeremy Davies). Portrayed as a naive and often cowardly individual, Jeremy Davies makes you want to walk through the television and punch him. Particularly when he is frozen with fear as his comrade (Adam Goldberg) is being stabbed to death by a German soldier, knowing that he could help, but ultimately crying and shaking with fear. Very reminiscent of when you see The Green Mile and want to take an axe handle to the sniveling guard Percy (Doug Hutchinson). Any time a movie can elicit that kind of emotion from an audience is an excellent example of truly talented craftsmanship.

Make Your Weiner Tingle Moment
Opening beach scene, duh.

On the human side, when the group is in chaos over what they're doing, and a mutiny and public killing is at risk, Captain Miller finally reveals that he is an English teacher back home, thereby settling the nerves of his fellow comrades, and reminding them that they are all the same. They all just want to be done with war and will do whatever they have to do to get back home.

Did You Know?
The famous Omaha Beach scene in the opening 25 minutes was actually filmed on the coast of Ireland. Many of the extras during the invasion were actual members of the Irish Army. Yes, apparently Ireland has an army. Also, Saving Private Ryan is one of the few movies that features scenes with Vin Diesel where the audience doesn't gag or roll their eyes.

Watch this movie if you like.....
War movies, Tom Hanks always being the good guy, saluting The Flag, playing baseball, apple pie.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #18 Raising Arizona

Title: Raising Arizona
Year: 1987
Genre: Comedy
Main Actors: Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter, John Goodman
Ranked: Governor Gray Davis #6, Chip Wesley #9

Synopsis
Criminal H. I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage), you can call him Hi, marries Tempe cop Ed (Holly Hunter), short for Edwina and they want a baby. One problem - she's barren, as explained by a gynecologist holding a cigar. Solution: steal one of the "Arizona Quints" recently fathered by unpainted furniture mogul Nathan Arizona. To complicate matters, Hi's buddies from the joint, Gale and Evelle Snoats bust out of jail and shack up with the new family. Hilarity ensues as they try to keep the baby out of the hands of The Lone Biker of the Apocalypse.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
This was my introduction to the brilliance of the Coen Brothers and the underrated acting of Nicolas Cage. The rest is history. Beyond that, it features a lot of timely screaming and takes place in an almost mythical Arizona where everyone talks with a southern accent and fires guns wildly into the night.

Monster Role
Raising Arizona more or less launched John Goodman's comedy career and we're all thankful for it. Without his slovenly, loud mouthed Gale Snoats, we never would have had Walter Sobchak or even that poor bastard who was married to Roseanne all those years.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
I can't decide, so I give you two. First, about halfway through the film, your dick will go in the dirt because of the chase scene that comes after Hi attempts to steal some Huggies for the baby.

Secondly, after Gale and Evelle accidentally leave the baby at the convenience store, they realize it and scream all the way back to the shop. Basically, this is a solid minute of John Goodman and William Forsythe screaming at the top of their lungs and punching the dashboard of their stolen car. I've been watching this movie repeatedly for 20 years now and this still got a chuckle out of me.

Watch This Movie if You Like
The Coen Brothers, grown men screaming, kidnapping or Barry Goldwater

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #19 Caddyshack

Title: Caddyshack
Year: 1980
Genre: Comedy
Main Actors: Michael O'Keefe, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight
Ranked: Dave Thomas #3, Chip Wesley #14

Synopsis
From Rotten Tomatoes: This hysterical farce, set against the backdrop of the typically hoity-toity Bushwood Country club, pits the caddies vs. the establishment with riotous results. Danny, a poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks, is struggling to make it as a caddy at Bushwood. Terrified of being a caddy for life, he is dying to win the Bushwood annual caddy scholarship and is willing to do whomever and whatever it takes. The caddies carouse, smoke, and curse their way around Bushwood, wrecking havoc on the uptight rules and regulations strictly adhered to by most of the members of the club. Chevy Chase stars as Ty Webb, a wealthy antiestablishment member of Bushwood who tries to convince Danny that there is more to life than playing by the rules. This wacky comedy also features an insanely delightful performance by Bill Murray, as the local groundskeeper who becomes obsessed with killing off the gophers who have infested the golf course, with bang-up results. When Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield) comes to town he sets the country club--and Judge Smails, played by the fabulous Ted Knight--on end with his poor taste, bad humor, and big money. The final showdown between the snobs and the slobs is not to be missed.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
This movie single-handedly gave birth to the growing guy fad of constantly quoting films, much to the chagrin of females everywhere. Next time you are out on the golf course with your friends, see how long it takes before a Caddyshack quote is whipped out. Given my skill at golf, or utter lack thereof, I tend to stick to Spalding quotes. "DOUBLE TURD!"

Monster Role
There's really a quadfecta of monster roles here. A perfect storm of comedy between Bill Murray's oddball groundskeeper Carl ("Bark like a dog for me!"), Chevy Chase's eccentric Ty Webb ("Your uncle molests collies."), Rodney Dangerfield's blue collar hero Al Czervik ("Hey Wang this place is restrictive so don't tell them your Jewish."), and the inimitable Ted Knight as Judge Smails ("How bout a Fresca?").

But for the biggest monster role I'll go with Lacey Underall (Cindy Morgan) and Lacey Underall's breasts.

Make Your Weiner Tingle Moment
Again, Lacey Underall and Lacey Underall's breasts.

Did You Know?
Michael O'Keefe, who plays Danny Noonan in the movie was married to Bonnie Raitt for 8 years. He's also a Zen Buddhist priest.

Watch this movie if you like.....
Understanding the context of many of your friend's stupid movie quotes, fake puppet gophers, 80's movies and Kenny Loggins music (I really don't think those two are mutually exclusive in any way), Rodney Dangerfield playing Rodney Dangerfield, Brian-Doyle Murray before he got fat, Chevy Chase when he was still funny, Baby Ruths, Cannonball, cannonball coming!

WELL? We're WAITING!

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #20 American Beauty

Title: American Beauty
Year: 1999
Genre: Drama/Dark Comedy
Main Actors: Kevin Spacey, Annette Benning, Mena Suvari, Chris Cooper, Peter Gallagher
Ranked: Daft Funk #2, Dave Thomas #17

Synopsis
American Beauty is the story of Lester Burnham (Spacey), a man going through a mid life crisis. He can't stand his boring life with his domineering wife (Benning) and boring daughter (Thora Birch). After a chance encounter with his pot-smoking neighbor (an excellent Wes Bentley) and forming a crush on his daughter's teenage friend (Suvari), Burnham decides to take charge of his life.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
The main reason this movie kicks ass is because it's one of those "good movies" that absolutely everyone can relate to. It's sophisticated, but without coming off as pretentious. It's depressing, but in an uplifting way. It's somber, but wickedly sarcastic. Basically, you can describe this movie as either a drama with very funny characters and circumstances, or the darkest comedy you'll ever see. Either way, it works.

The acting in this movie is fantastic and every role is cast to perfection. You know these people. You've met Lester Burnham in line at the bank. You've ran across his wife at church on Sunday. You hung out with his daughter Jane in high school even though you couldn't stand her bitchy cheerleader best friend. You've got the pot-smoking teenage loner neighbor and his homophobic ex-military father. You've got the neighborhood gay couple. You know all of these people, and yet none of them come across as static or stereotypical. Whether you love or hate this movie, it definitely keeps you thinking for long after the "twist" ending, which actually works and doesn't feel forced (Are you listening, Mr. Shyamalan?).

Monster Role
This one is a tough one. Common logic would say to go with Spacey, who deservingly won the Oscar for Best Actor. But the monster role of the film was Chris Cooper's military father next door. Sure, we've seen Chris Cooper play the military guy/government agent before in...well, everything. But never has Cooper given a performance as nuanced and forceful as his portrayal of Col. Frank Fitts. While far from the main character of the story, you can argue that Col. Fitts is the most important person in the entire film.

Speaking of Monster Roles, it's sad that Thora Birch and Wes Bentley completely fell off the map after this movie. I thought they both did excellent jobs (especially Bentley), and neither of them did anything with the momentum they had coming off this Best Picture winner. At least Thora Birch has had the sense to make bad movies that no one hears about. Bentley not only sucked it up in last year's Ghost Rider, but also embarrassed himself in the parking garage thriller(!) P2 last year.

Knock Your Dick In The Dirt Moment
I'd pick the end of the movie. Unlike lots of twist/surprise endings, this one actually sneaks up on you. And you can't say you weren't fooled. After all, Lester told you it was coming at the beginning of the movie.

But since I can't go into detail without giving anything away, I think the scene where Lester quits his job is downright KYDITD-worthy. Who among us doesn't dream about telling off the corporate suits in charge? When asked to write up an analysis of what he does each day, Lester gives the following essay to his boss:

"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."

Or this nugget from the monologue leading off the movie:

"Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here."

Who can't relate to that?

Watch this movie if you like.....
Dark comedy, the dude from Quantum Leap, Peter Gallagher's eyebrows, barely legal knockers.

"I rule."

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #21 High Fidelity

Title: High Fidelity
Year: 2000
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Main Actors: John Cusack, Iben Hjejle, Todd Louiso, Jack Black, Tim Robbins
Ranked: Chip #15, Chaim #21, Daft Funk #15

Synopsis
Rob (Cusack), a record store owner, has to deal with the fact that his girlfriend Laura (Hjejle) has left him, mostly because he has not changed at all since the time she first met him. Rob's way of coping with his mid-life crisis is to count down and examine the top 5 breakups of his life, including his current one. While this is going on, Rob must deal with the antics of his two employees (Louiso and Black) and also try to deal with the fact that Laura starts dating his former upstairs neighbor. I feel like I have to mention that Joan Cusack is also in this movie, although she brings absolutely nothing to the film, just like she always does.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass

This movie is pretty what made making lists cool again. I've done the research, and before 2000, list making was down. After High Fidelity, list making's approval ratings shot up to over 90%. In all seriousness, this movie kicks ass because, for once, there's a cool romantic comedy about what it's like to be on the guy's side of things. Rob is almost the perfect protagonist for this movie. Just like all of us, he's not perfect, and he probably thinks he's cooler than he is. But you can tell he's being affected by the things going on around him. High Fidelity proved that you could be an elitist snob and still be likable.

Also, there's some brief Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas sideboob halfway through the movie. That counts for something, right?

Monster Role
As great as Cusack (John, not his Amazonian sister) is, I'm gonna have to hand this to Jack Black. This was before Black was a big celebrity, coming off supporting roles in The Cable Guy and Enemy Of The State. Black's character Barry is the perfect antidote to the seriousness that the rest of the movie can have. After any particularly depressing scenes, all you need is a shot of the interior of the record store to pick you back up, because you know Barry is coming (probably dancing/singing) to do something crazy and just a little bit asshole-ish. Also, his rendition of "Let's Get It On" at the end of the movie is breathtaking.

Make Your Weiner Tingle Moment
By far, the best laugh-out-loud moment of the film is when Rob confronts Laura's new boyfriend (A pony-tailed and underrated Tim Robbins) in the record store. At the end of their conversation, Rob sees 3 scenarios in his head as to how he would like to end the conversation, ranging from screaming obscenities to physical violence. I won't say anything more so I don't ruin it for those of you who have not seen this movie. For those of you that have, you're probably laughing to yourself already anyway.

Also for those that have seen the film, there is this classic exchange:

Customer: "Who is this?"
Rob: "The Beta Band."
Customer: "It's good."
Rob: "I know."

Watch this movie if you like.....
Top 5 lists, wacky at-work antics, random Lisa Bonet appearances, awful cooking smells

Let 'em riot. We're Sonic-fuckin'-Death Monkey.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #22 Major League

Title: Major League
Year: 1989
Genre: Comedy
Main Actors: Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Rene Russo, Wesley Snipes, Dennis Haysbert, Bob Uecker
Ranked: Dave #11, Brant #12

Synopsis
Cleveland Indians owner Donald Phelps has died, and his snobby wife Rachel Phelps, a former showgirl, has taken over as the new owner. She hates Cleveland so she makes plans to move the Indians to Miami. However, she can't break the team's lease with Cleveland unless the attendance for the season falls below 800,000. Her plan is to assemble a team that will play itself into last place and no one will come out to watch it happen. This works at first but the team discovers what she's trying to accomplish and they come together and start winning games which brings back the fans.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
This movie may not have won any "Academy Awards" but it has so many classic scenes that my friends and I can recite just about every single one. Maybe the fact that it's on television three times a day helps. Just like Caddyshack, if you say "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill" or "Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again" and someone just offers you a blank stare in return then they're probably a communist. Or gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Monster Role
The movie really revolves around Berenger's character Jake Taylor and his last chance for success on the field while he fights to win back his ex girlfriend (Russo). That having been said, the monster role in this film goes to a young Charlie Sheen who plays Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, a former ward of the state of California who, with the help of some corrective lenses, becomes the ace of the Indians rotation. If the haircut doesn't win this for him then his way with the Cuyahoga ladies sure does. No, that perm doesn't make your ass look big. Your big ass makes your ass look big.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
The one-game playoff at the end of the movie has tons of these moments. Division rivals and close scores make for a lot of slow motion and "crazy ideas" that just might work. I know I'm doing God's work here but I'd be doing myself and everyone else a disservice if I said any more.

Watch this movie if you like.....
Baseball, Voodoo, Bullpen cars, Stereotypes, Jack Daniels

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #23 Rounders

Title: Rounders
Year: 1998
Genre: Drama
Main Actors: Matt Damon, Ed Norton, John Malkovich
Ranked: Brant #5, Chip #17

Synopsis
Matt Damon plays Mike McDermott, a guy paying his way through law school by playing underground poker. One night he gets cleaned out by Teddy KGB (John Malkovich) to the tune of $30,000. After that, Mike gives up the gambling life and gets a real job to pay his way while dating the very attractive Jo (Gretchen Mol). Months later, Mike's childhood buddy Worm (Norton) gets out of jail and quickly runs up a ton of debt in Mike's name. The problem? The debt is owed to KGB, who gives Mike and Worm only a few days to raise the money or else he'll kill them.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
It's just plain cool. This movie came out long before the World Series Of Poker was cool and every douchebag frat guy thought he was a poker genius. The acting is solid (especially Norton's turn as Worm. Aside from The Italian Job, has he ever had a bad performance?). The story is great, and the suspense is just strong enough to carry the movie through the weaker points of the story. Plus, Gretchen Mol takes her clothes off in just about every movie she's in. She stays fully clothed in this one, but just knowing that somehow makes the movie just a little better. Plus, the supporting cast of John Turturro, Famke Janssen and Martin Landau round out a great ensemble.

Monster Role
In most cases, it would go to Norton for his slimy performance of Worm, but this one has to go to Malkovich for Teddy KGB. He's not really in the movie much, but he's easily the most memorable character of the entire flick. Malkovich has been known to chew the scenery a bit in some of his movies, and this is no exception. His accent is so over the top that he should be arrested, but for some reason, it works for KGB. Plus, seeing his pretending to air-hump Matt Damon in the ass toward the end of the movie is priceless.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
There's two actually. The first is the entire scene where Mike and Worm are playing cards with a room full of cops and get caught using some practices that aren't completely on the up-and-up. I won't say much else because I don't want to give anything away, but the entire time, you can cut the tension with a knife. The other moment of course is the final showdown at KGB's place. Again, I can't give anything away, but having Mike come back to the scene of the worst moment of his life playing cards for his life is high cinema. On paper, it seems stupid, but again, somehow it works.

Watch this movie if you like.....
Poker, guys named Grandma, Oreo cookies, Guy movies that appeal to women too.

I will splash the pot, whenever, the fuck, I want!

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #24 The Departed

Title: The Departed
Year: 2006
Genre: Crime Thriller
Main Actors: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg
Ranked: Dave #14, Daft Funk #20, Chaim #20

Synopsis
In South Boston, the state police force is waging war on Irish-American organized crime. Young undercover cop Billy Costigan (DiCaprio) is assigned to infiltrate the mob syndicate run by gangland chief Frank Costello (Nicholson). While Billy quickly gains Costello's confidence, Colin Sullivan (Damon), a hardened young criminal who has infiltrated the state police as an informer for the syndicate, is rising to a position of power in the Special Investigation Unit. Each man becomes deeply consumed by his double life, gathering information about the plans and counter-plans of the operations he has penetrated. But when it becomes clear to both the mob and the police that there's a mole in their midst, Billy and Colin are suddenly in danger of being caught and exposed to the enemy, and each must race to uncover the identity of the other man in time to save himself.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
First of all, it's got Scorsese directing it. Second of all, its full of pissed off and slightly racist Irish people. Add to that the fact that every role is perfectly cast (especially Baldwin and Wahlberg) and the action and suspense are top-notch, and you've got a near-perfect movie. The fact that this movie won for Best Picture makes me believe that the old farts on the Academy may actually have some sense left in them. Sure this movie got nominated for a ton of awards and subtly explores the racism and tension between classes in middle-lower class Boston, but when you get down to it, this is just a phenomenal movie. The acting kicks ass. The story kicks ass. Everything kicks ass. Plus, it had a great existing movie (Hong Kong's 2002 film Infernal Affairs) to base itself off of.

Monster Role
Mark Wahlberg hands down. Wahlberg plays Sgt. Dignam, a trash talking, insecure policeman that's got the perfect comeback for any situation. Whether he's putting down your mother or punching out a superior, Wahlberg steals every single scene he's in. Alec Baldwin's performance as Capt. George Ellerby is a very close second. When the cops are setting up surveillance on Costello's crew and Baldwin grabs the closest officer and excitedly yells "Patriot Act! PATRIOT ACT!!! I love it!!" I just about piss myself every time.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
So many to choose from, but one of the things that makes this movie so great is the fact that the best moments come at the very end of the film. In this movie, the moment is actually 3-4 moments that make up the end of the movie. I don't want to give anything away, but if you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. There are literally 5 or 6 moments in the last 10 minutes where you can't say anything but "What the fuck was that?" and "Holy shit! That did not just happen!" Runner up is the scene when Costello is selling microprocessors to a bunch of Asian terrorists and both double-agents are frantically trying to give out information without compromising their identities. Text messaging has never been so dangerous.

Or if you want to get technical, the scene where Jack Nicholson wags the giant fake penis at Matt Damon in the porno theater is a "Take Your Dick Out Of Your Pants" moment.

Watch this movie if you like.....
American remakes of Asian movies, Goodfellas, hot, easy therapists.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #25 Casino

Title: Casino
Year: 1995
Genre: Drama
Main Actors: Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone
Ranked: GovernorGrayDavis #4, The Hundley #19

Synopsis
Casino is Martin Scorsese's interpretation of the mob's final years in control of Las Vegas. Its the 70s, and the mob still runs Vegas. Their new casino, the Tangiers, needs a boss and their best earner Sam "Ace" Rothstein (DeNiro) is brought in to run the place.

Things go well, for a while anyway, but eventually Sam's marriage to a hooker (Stone) and his friendship with a batshit insane mob enforcer (Pesci) threaten to ruin the party. She just can't stay away from her pimp, and Pesci decides he's going to be the crime boss of Las Vegas, since all the old mob guys back home won't know any better anyway.

Casino contains 422 instances of the word "fuck". Third most all time.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Aside from being a brilliantly made film with an excellent cast from top to bottom, the story is true. Sam "Ace" Rothstein is based on Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal. The Tangiers is the Stardust, and mob lawyer Oscar Goodman is, well, Oscar Goodman (currently the Mayor of Las Vegas). DeNiro, Pesci, Scorsese, Vegas...if you need more reasons why this kicks ass, I can't help you.

Monster Role
Picking one of the leads here would be too obvious, so I'm going to say James Woods as the two-bit pimp Lester Diamond. He's sleazy, crooked, and has a 70's pornstache.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
While there are no shortage of KYDD moments in this three hour mob epic, my dick always goes in the dirt when I see the Pesci/DeNiro argument in the desert. DeNiro thinks he may get whacked because he told the boys back home Pesci needs to lay low for awhile. Pesci wants to talk about it "a couple hundred yards further down the road" - uh oh...

Crush Your Dick in a Vice Moment
The movie's signature CYDV moment has to be when Pesci crushes Tony Dogs' head in a vice.

Watch this movie if you like...
Not getting whacked.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #26 The Two Towers

Title: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Year: 2002
Genre: Adventure, Fantasy
Main Actors: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Viggo Mortensen, Ian McKellen
Ranked: Chaim #3, Brant #20

Synopsis
Christ, how do you summarize this movie? I could go all nerdy geek fanboy on you and use all the character names and terminology, thus losing some of you. Plus this is the second installment of the LotR trilogy and pretty much picks up right where the last one left off, so it's tough to describe without giving some backstory. Oh well, here it goes....

Basically the kid from the Good Son (not Macaulay Culkin) and Rudy are hobbits out on a quest to dispose of a ring that holds a powerful force, by throwing it into the fires of Mount Doom deep in the evil region of Mordor. Meanwhile a giant eye is after it and has banded with Count Dooku from Phantom Menace to create a giant army of orcs. Meanwhile the guy from Hidalgo, Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean and Sallah from Raiders of the Lost Ark are on their way to the kingdom of Rohan only to find that the king's mind has been taken over by Count Dooku, who is being aided by the doctor from Deadwood. Eventually Magneto shows up and breaks Dooku's control of the king. At this point though, Rohan is in ruins as Dooku's orcs have raided and pillaged the countryside. The king decides to take his people to the fortified keep at Helm's Deep to ward off the oncoming horde. While this is going on, two other hobbits played by Charlie from Lost and the lead singer of Beecake are in the forest talking to large trees in an effort to get them to fight against Dooku and the orcs. Also the Good Son and Rudy come across the creature Gollum who once held the ring in his possession and agrees to lead them to Mordor but also has plans to take the ring back for himself. Also Liv Tyler briefly appears in this installment along with her father V.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
I'm about to commit what some may deem cinematic heresy, but here goes. The Lord of the Rings is the greatest movie trilogy of all time. Yes the original Star Wars trilogy is still great, but the prequels have deeply tainted them. Plus LotR had a much better story and much, much better acting overall.

The effects are breathtaking as well. While there is a fair share of CGI in the Two Towers as well as the other two movies, it's very well done. They used not just CGI but the combination of that with elaborate sets, scale models, the beautiful scenery of the New Zealand countryside and characters with costumes and makeup. The costumes and makeup is a huge deal to me. With so many movies opting to create characters completely by computer and having some actual humans acting entirely on a green screen, it was a real breath of fresh air to see that the orcs were played by actual people wearing makeup and many of the sets were tangible. Much more real looking then any lame ass squidmonkeyfish that George Lucas cooked up on his laptop. You hearing me Lucas? This is how this shit should be done! Michael Bay I'm looking at you as well.

Even when they did do motion capture and whatnot it was pretty phenomenal. The creature Gollum is lifelike at times you forget he's just a computer graphic and think he's an honest to god living person working with the other actors.

Monster Role
This one without a doubt has to be lead singer of Beecake, Billy Boyd. The finest Scottish actor this side of Billy Connolly.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
Such an epic movie would have plenty of KYDD moments, and Two Towers is no exception. But if I had to pick the one single greatest KYDD moment, it had to be when Viggo Mortensen's character had rough, awkward sex on the staircase with Maria Bello.

Watch this movie if you like...
Living in your parents basement, dressing up for renaissance festivals, Cool Ranch Doritos, swords, Ian McKellan's sexual prowess.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #27 Tommy Boy

Title: Tommy Boy
Year: 1995
Genre: Comedy
Main Actors: Chris Farley, David Spade, Brian Dennehy, Rob Lowe, Bo Derek, Dan Aykroyd
Ranked: Dave Thomas #4, Daft Funk #21

Synopsis
Tommy Callahan Jr. (Farley) returns to his hometown of Sandusky, Ohio after finally graduating from college to work at his father's auto parts factory. Big Tom (Dennehy) shows Tommy the new state of the art brake pad division and surprises him with the news that he's getting married to a much younger woman. Sadly, his dad suffers a fatal heart attack during the reception leaving the future of the company in Tommy's hands. With the future of the company and everyone that works there resting on success of the new brake pads, Tommy and Richard (Spade), Big Tom's right-hand man and former high school classmate of Tommy, hit the road and try to sell enough to save the day.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Where to begin? Chris Farley is what makes this movie. There was a time that any SNL alum could put Farley in their movie, and it would become an instant classic (Wayne's World, Billy Madison, Dirty Work, etc. Hell, even Coneheads was decent). But what really makes this movie kick ass is Farley's pairing with David Spade. Farley takes care of all the physical humor, and Spade fires off stinging one-liners for 90 minutes. When you also factor in that this movie covers fat jokes ("Fat guy in a little coat!"), masturbation jokes (Spanktravision, anyone?), incest jokes ("Ewww...doin' his mommy..."), this movie really does have something for everyone. And by "everyone" I mean males 13-25.

Everyone knows that one of the biggest reasons that this movie kicks ass is because it's chock full of quotes that can be used in everyday situations. Need to see if that stall in the men's room is occupied? A simple rap on the door with a well-timed "Housekeeping?" should do the trick. One of your friends say something that doesn't quite make sense? "What was that? You're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie talkie?"

And the single greatest thing that this film taught me? It's ok for 2 guys to sing The Carpenters together on a long roadtrip.

Monster Role
While Spade delivers a number of memorable lines, again there's no question that Farley makes this movie a classic. I can launch into the "Here comes the meat wagon" speech or start singing fat guy in a little coat and everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about. I think it's pretty much required to run through the housekeeping bit every time you stay in a hotel. Maybe I can put it best in the words of a timeless song.

Como una promesa, eres tú, eres tú.
Como una mañana de verano.
Como una sonrisa, eres tú, eres tú.
Así, así, eres tú.

Make Your Weiner Tingle Moment
This is next to impossible to choose, but narrowly beating out "Fat guy in a little coat" (too short) and the deer coming back to life in the back of the car (another instant classic) is the part when Tommy steps in to help Richard sell some break pads using some model cars, a.k.a. the "Truck Tire" scene. If you didn't laugh to yourself just now at the mere mention of that scene, it's time to go buy a sense of humor. Holy shit, is there a funnier 45 seconds in history? Going from trying to sell break pads to setting fires on an office desk and destroying property in under a minute? Classic.

Watch this movie if you like...
Clip-on ties, cow tipping, bees, talking into fans, thin candy shells

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #28 The Burbs

Title: The Burbs
Year: 1989
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Main Actors: Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Rick Ducommun, Corey Feldman, saucy redhead Courtney Gains, and yes, Brother Theodore
Ranked: Chaim Witz #2, Dave Thomas #23

Synopsis
A bored suburbanite (aren't all suburbanites, by definition, 'bored'?) named Ray Peterson (Hanks) takes a week off of work to lounge around in his bathrobe, take naps and feign productivity when his wife is around. However, Ray's plans of lethargy are disrupted by the arrival of some strange new neighbors, the Klopeks. And of course, who can have a peaceful vacation with Corey Feldman living next door? Soon after the arrival of the Klopeks, the old guy down the street goes missing. The fact that the Klopeks live in a decrepit old house that frequently emits weird noises immediately casts them under suspicion. Your classic case of racial profiling. Going against the advice of his wife, Ray teams up with a couple of other neighbors, the chubby and neurotic Art (Ducommun) and clearly insane Rumsfield (Dern) to bring some good old fashioned vigilante justice to their once peaceful suburban streets.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Tom Hanks has certainly had sexier starring vehicles. If 'Saving Private Ryan' is his Bentley and 'Big' is his Land Rover*, then 'The Burbs' is his first car, an oversized, two-tone Chevy Caprice Classic that he drove until it would drive no further. Sure it wasn't fancy, and the A/C was spotty at best, but dammit if he didn't love that thing to death. He put over 200K miles on that bad boy. He lost his virginity in the back seat. That car smelled like hope, ambition and day-old Wendy's. That car is The Burbs.

As a comedy, The Burbs isn't the funniest movie you'll ever see. It's not really 'funny ha ha' per se. More of the 'stroking your beard with a knowing smile' funny. And as a horror movie it isn't particularly frightening. In fact, if you actually admit to being scared by it, you would be mocked and teased relentlessly. Pussy.

So what makes it so good? Hard to say. It's just got a certain unassuming 'feel' to it that makes it eminently watchable. The characters are bizarre and eccentric, the set pieces (the neighborhood looks oddly like Wisteria Lane) are simple yet effective, and there is no shortage of classic one-liners. It's very Twilight Zone-esque. I say this never having watched 'The Twilight Zone'. Plus, it has Rick Docommun in a prominent role. For my money, the man is the Brando of our generation.

Monster Role
Bruce Dern as the bat shit crazy Nam' vet gives a performance that is arguably the greatest thing ever filmed on celluloid. This lone performance solidified his permanent place in my Top 5 Actors list. No, I'm serious. I rented 'The Glass House' just because he was in it. He delivers his lines with panache, the perfect blend of pent up anger and dry wit. Don't believe me? Try reading a few of these Rumsfield quotes, taken completely out of context and without explanation, and try not to pump your fist enthusiastically.

"Smells like their cooking a god damned cat over there."

"'Bout a nine on the tension scale there, Reub."

" That really burns my ass."

"Oh-ho! Hans! A fine Christian name. Hans Christian Anderson! What are you, Catholic?"

"Walter. I know you're in there. That scum-sucking, barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn. I find one more- just one- and I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut."

"Don't you make a move sonny. I was eighteen months in the bush and I could snap your neck in a heartbeat."

Ray Peterson: Night vision goggles? What's next, we bug their phones?
Mark Rumsfield: That can be arranged.

Make Your Weiner Tingle Moment
Like I said, this ain't a laugh-a-minute Judd Apatow flick my friends. It's a collection of mildly amusing ones that slowly build in momentum, eventually climaxing into a tsunami of entertainment. You know people that say they don't like baseball because 'nothing happens'? These people lack patience and book smarts. These people would probably not like 'The Burbs' either. It's a comedy of subtlety and wisdom.

That said, I love how every scene where Art (Ducommun) walks into Ray's house he just helps himself to whatever food is in the fridge, whether it's ribs or pancakes (sometimes both at the same time). And the scene where the Petersons and the Rumsfields bring brownies over to the Klopeks to welcome them to the neighborhood is one for the ages. The look on Hanks face when he has to eat the sardine on top of the pretzel is as dramatic as any scene that he had as the AIDS guy in 'Philadelphia'. I'm appalled this scene hasn't been included in those clips packages they show at the Oscars each year. Maybe I'll start a petition to have that included. Just as soon as the Writer's Strike is over.

Watch this movie if you like...
Bathrobes, Vietnam, Corey Feldman in his prime, Tom Hanks when he still had street cred, baseball, pancakes, ribs.

*'Bosom Buddies' would be this vehicle.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #29 Snatch

Title: Snatch
Year: 2000
Genre: Action, Comedy
Main Actors: Jason Statham, Brad Pitt, Vinnie Jones, Benicio Del Toro, Dennis Farina
Ranked: Brant Brown #15, Chip Wesley #12

Synopsis
OK so, the movie takes place in the seedy underbelly of London, where folks deal in stolen diamonds, dogfighting and unlicensed bare-knuckle boxing. Frankie Four Fingers (Del Toro) and his crew steal a incredibly large diamond in Antwerp. Frankie then heads to London to sell the stone to Doug the Head, only one of his counterparts in the heist tips off Boris the Blade, aka Boris the Bullet Dodger, who then hires a couple of small-time crooks to rob Frankie. Oh and then there's Turkish (Statham), who with his sidekick Tommy, manage a fighter named Gorgeous George. George is slated to fight someone managed by London mob boss Brick Top, but before the fight, Tommy and George head to a camp full of Irish gypsies (referred to as 'pikeys' throughout the film) to purchase a caravan. The deal goes sour and George is forced to fight Mickey (Pitt) who manages to knockout George with one punch. Now without a fighter, Turkish is forced to use Mickey instead, and as payback, Brick Top tells him to throw the fight. Then....ah Christ, I hate writing synopses! This story is too convoluted to explain. Anyway there's plenty of shenanigans that take place and Turkish's story and the story of the diamond somehow become intertwined, and somewhere in between there's a dog that swallows a squeaky toy, Vinnie Jones plays a badass as usual, and Brad Pitt speaks pikey gibberish. If you've seen "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" they plotline is pretty much the same.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Well for starters there's the title. As juvenile as it sounds, it's still funny to ask people, "Hey, have you seen Snatch?"

Like I said, the movie is a lot like Guy Ritchie's previous film "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", in that their's multiple storylines that somehow become intertwined and connected, except this time he had a much bigger budget and tossed in some American actors. The movie is fast-paced and visually pretty sweet to look at. There's plenty of humor mixed into some truly twisted scenes. Hell Brad Pitt playing the pikey boxer Mickey is worth the price of admission alone.

One thing for me that makes the movie is the soundtrack. Looking at my personal Top 30 I submitted for the TMS 30, I noticed the vast majority of films on my list had a soundtrack or score that I thought kicked ass, and Snatch is no exception.

Monster Role
Like I said, Brad Pitt as Mickey was awesome. Between his crazy pikey gibberish, which anyone that's a fan of the movie can sheepishly admit they've tried to imitate and failed miserably, and the fact he's tough as petrified shit, Pitt pretty much steals all the scenes he's in.

Vinnie Jones as Bullet-Toothed Tony is also pretty good, and I'd give him credit had he not played virtually the exact same character in "Lock Stock".

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
I've already mentioned that I enjoyed the soundtrack, and for me the evidence is in two scenes that used the songs perfectly.

The first being the scene that uses "Angel" by Massive Attack. That song has been used numerous times in films and tv shows, but Snatch is the one movie to truly 'nail it' as far as incorporating it properly. I can't really explain the scene without giving spoilers, but it always gives me goose bumps.

The second scene is the final fight at the end with Brad Pitt and one of Brick Top's fighters, which uses the song "Fucking in the Bushes" by Oasis. Perfect song choice as it gets you incredibly pumped up and builds the excitement leading to the film's climax. Now whenever I hear that song, I can't help but get all fired up and start sizing folks up like I'm gonna fight them. Of course if I actually picked a fight with anyone it would sadly end with me crying in a crumpled nerd-heap in the corner.

Watch this movie if you like.....
having ADD, "Lock Stock", bareknuckle boxing, people being fed to pigs (oh yeah I forgot to mention that part), proper use of Oasis and Massive Attack songs in film, Brad Pitt being a dirty gypsy, British shit in general.

Why the fuck do I want a caravan that's got no fucking wheels?

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #30 Die Hard

Note: After looking at my compiled rankings, it was brought to my attention that I had miscalculated the score for one movie that would've put it in the Top 30. With the correction made, that bumped Children of Men to #31. We'll leave Children of Men in the TMS 30, but please note that Die Hard is the real #30.

Title: Die Hard
Year: 1988
Genre: Action
Main Actors: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Bonnie Bedelia
Ranked: Brant Brown #1, Chip Wesley #26

Synopsis
John McClane (Willis) is a New York cop who's traveled to LA to be with his separated wife and kids for Christmas. Meeting his wife Holly(Bedelia) at her office Christmas party in the newly constructed Nakatomi Plaza, things between them get off to a rocky start. But before John can make things right, a group of German radicals led by Hans Gruber (Rickman) seize control of the building, taking all the office partygoers hostage. That is, all but McClane, who manages to escape to one of the upper floors. Quickly realizing the cops are of no help, McClane decides he'll have to take the terrorists on himself. Can he thwart Hans and his gang, save his wife and make it home for Christmas? Or is he simply the wrong man, in the wrong place, at the wrong time?

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Die Hard has become the gold standard for action flicks, and breathed new life into an action genre that had grown quite stale by the late 80's. Bruce Willis' John McClane was the perfect 'anti-hero', playing by his own rules, sticking it to 'the man', and getting the living shit beat out of him along the way. The fact that John McClane was fallible and could in fact actually bleed, gave audiences a greater respect for him. The McClane character has become so entrenched in American pop culture, it's become nearly impossible to imagine anyone other than Willis playing that role, and yet he was their 5th choice for the part. Schwarzenegger was the original choice (the intial idea for the film was actually supposed to be a sequel to "Commando"), but he passed. Then they approached Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, and Richard Gere for the role before finally settling with Willis. Burt Reynolds? Richard Gere? I'm glad they went with that guy from "Moonlighting" and those Seagram's Wine Cooler commercials instead.

What else? Oh yeah, how about more explosions, shootouts, and fight scenes that you can shake your weiner at? Sprinkle in some witty one-liners and you have one of the greatest action films of all time.

Monster Role
Well obviously Bruce Willis kicks ass as John McClane, but I think Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber complimented McClane perfectly. Hans, a cool and collected villain, who has seemingly covered all the bases as far as how to handle the hostages, the cops, and the FBI, hadn't planned for a wild cowboy who plays by his own rules. Rickman, in his first feature film role, was marvelous as the sophisticated and operatic Hans.

Also I've got to give a special nod to two of the great "That Guy" character actors of the 80's, Paul Gleason and William Atherton. Both of them were excellent at playing easily hated, smarmy jerks that the audience enjoys watching when they finally get their comeuppance. Gleason, who had such roles in "Trading Places" as Clarence Beeks, and "Breakfast Club" as Principal Vernon, does a great job playing Deputy Police Chief Dwayne Robinson. Atherton, who previously had roles as EPA goon Walter Peck in "Ghostbusters", and the self-absorbed Professor Hathaway in "Real Genius", nails the role of sleazy reporter Richard Thornburg.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
Jesus, the whole movie is one giant "dick in the dirt" moment. But if you gotta pick certain scenes, here are a few that stick out in my mind.

• The scene where McClane drops the makeshift bomb of C4 and a computer monitor down the elevator shaft causing an entire floor of the Nakatomi building to blow up. For 1988, this was a pretty sweet scene as the special effects looked superb.

• The broken glass scene. Eveyone should know what I'm talking about. Never, EVER, take your shoes off in an office building if there's a chance a German terrorist cell may take it over, leaving you as the only one that could possibly save the day.

• The fight between McClane and Karl. If you took away the guns from most of the terrorists, they looked like harmless Eurotrash, but Karl was a badass and you knew the shit was gonna hit the fan when McClane and him finally met up. Hell Karl was so frickin' tough, that even in the final moments of the film when he comes back for one last shot despite having already been hung by his neck, with a bunch of chains, 20 feet off the ground, that you almost believe that he could really have done that.
  

Watch this movie if you like.....
Beer, cigarettes, watching Germans get the shit kicked out of them.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #31 Children of Men

Note: After looking at my compiled rankings, it was brought to my attention that I had miscalculated the score for one movie that would've put it in the Top 30. With the correction made, that bumped Children of Men to #31. But instead of dropping it outright from the list, we'll leave it as part of the TMS 30.

Title: Children of Men
Year: 2006
Genre: Sci Fi, Adventure
Main Actors: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine
Ranked: Governor Gray Davis #1, Chaim Witz #29

Synopsis
Its 2027 and the world has gone to hell in a handbasket. Cities have been nuked, war and terrorism rage across the globe, and the human race has become sterile. Britain is still semi-functional and has cracked down on all immigrants to maintain order. The only hope for humanity may in fact be one of the demonized "fugees" that is not welcome on British soil.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Deep, but not obnoxious political commentary coupled with some of the most impressive action sequences ever filmed and Michael Caine as an over-the-hill pot head.

Monster Role
I have never seen Clive Owen in a role he didn't absolutely nail. His portrayal of a disaffected political activist resigned to not only his fate, but the fate of all humanity, could not be better. If a film is ever made about my life, I want Clive in the lead role.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
Alfonso Cuarón is one of my favorite filmmakers in the business today (Y Tu Mamá También, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban), and delivers big time here. Children of Men offers two separate single-shot action sequences to knock your dick in the dirt. One is a four minute sequence involving a hoarde of people, gunshots, and a flaming car and the other is a seven and a half minute escape sequence with what amounts to a war going on in the background. DVD bonus features are usually worthless, but the story behind these sequences is well worth your time.

Watch this movie if you like.....
V for Vendetta, George Orwell, or other tales about our imminent dystopian future.

Bartender Banter: Crickets Edition

Uhhhhh, hello? Where the hell is everyone? Someone told me this was the place to be, but it's about as lively as a Harry Potter book reading in the Bible Belt. Lame. I'm outta here....

Wait! Hi! Sorry, I was in back checking the kegs. We're still open. Business has slowed since the '07 Cubs have finished up, but we've still got plenty of things going on. Allow me to bring you up to speed.

First of all we've started the official TMS Fantasy Behemoth League. The league consists of 10 managers, including the 7 main bartenders, Nick V. who's a regular reader of ours, Daft Funk's girlfriend E-Claire, and some other person I'm not familiar with. The league will span 3 different sports and we will have the chance to trade players between them. We kicked things off on Sunday with the NBA draft. A recap of that will come in the future. I could go into more detail of how the league will work, but it only seems to make sense in my head right now, so I'll spare you my crazy convoluted gameplan.

The Cubs report cards are still ongoing. I hope to have the outfielders graded within the next week or so.

Lastly, we're about to begin a new feature here at the Saloon. Inspired by the recent update of the AFI 100 Greatest Movies list, I proposed that all of the bartenders prepared their own personal top 100 list that we would compile into one master list. Everyone was fired up for the project, that is until they realized how daunting and shitty of work it was to actually rank 100 movies. So we scaled it back and instead ranked our top 30 movies from the past 30 years. All the lists were compiled into one and the TMS 30 was created. This is surely going to be the hot intellectual talk of the holiday season. Who better to come up with a smart, well-rounded list of quality films, than 7 males between the ages of 24 and 29? Let's just say your girlfriend's favorite movies, probably didn't make the cut, and if they did, she's probably a transvestite with good taste. Look for the countdown to start with #30 later this week.

Oh, and I almost forgot, we came up with a TMS 30 official seal. Check it out. As we countdown our movies, feel free to add this seal to your BluRay, DVD, VHS, Beta, or Laserdisc covers and cases. Just a quick print to the office laser printer, some scotch tape, and voila! Our seal ensures that the movie in question is top notch.