Underrated: Hamburger Helper

There's been a lot of posts here of late espousing fancy recipes and cooking. I've got no beef with that, as I myself am the primary chef in my household. I enjoy cooking culinary delights as much as the next guy, but I feel there's also something to be said for simplicity.

As an income and time challenged American, sometimes there's nothing finer than whipping out a box of Hamburger Helper. It's perfect for nights when you don't have a lot of time to cook and when you're not craving an elaborate feast. It's pretty awesome to think that the ingredients for an entire meal are contained in one tiny box. And if you're craving variety, hell, they've got you covered. Mexican, Italian, and American dishes are well represented in the Hamburger Helper lineup. And just on the grocery shelves is the new addition, Asian Helper! Hell to the Yeah. I made Mongolian Beef for the wife and I the other night. Good stuff, people.

The best thing about Hamburger Helper is that any dope can make it. If you've mastered the basic principles of stirring, you too can make Hamburger Helper. And what meal is more unassuming? All they ask you to provide is dead cow! Maybe some water or milk. Unless you're a hobo, you either have or can easily obtain these ingredients. So tonight skip that gourmet meal, go down to the Pic N' Save and pick up a box of Hamburger Helper. Think how much more time you'll have to read Thunder Matt's Saloon and look for midget porn.

American Idol Update: Week 1

Its been a month since American Idol returned, but even with three shows a week they haven't really done anything yet. That changed Tuesday as the auditions and gimmicky Hollywood Week drama are finally over and the karaoke started for real. All is right with the world: Paula is clearly doped up on booze and painkillers and the sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is as intense as ever. I'm also happy to announce the envelopes full of white powder from Fantasia's fan (she only has the one) have stopped coming.

Tonight's theme is songs of the Billboard Hot 100...of all time. Way to narrow it down. Why even have a theme? On to the contestants. If I understand the new rules correctly, nine of these slack jawed assholes are going home:

Jackie Tohn - ...and they're off. Off to a horrific start too! Jackie sings a terrible Elvis song so poorly I thought a giraffe was dying. To top it off, she looks like she should be buying Skoal at an Albuquerque 7-11 at 3am after pleasuring truckers at the Super 8.

Ricky Braddy - The man with the fauxhawk busts out some fauxsoul. Simon correctly points out he has the personality of a jar of peanut butter.

Alexis Grace - This girl is kind of cute, but three contestants in and I've already had it with white people singing soul music. Who has Paula in the death league? She's babbling incoherently again. Something about big sound in a small body. Her overdose may come before next season.

Brent Keith - First his video won't load and then he sings something called "Hicktown". White trash opera. Live's Shit Town would have been better. FAIL.

Stevie Wright - She was 9 when the show started. God damn I feel old. She could also be Bristol Palin's stunt double. I have no clue what she's singing, but its not bad. Of course the judges hate it. Apparently they're looking for crap. Oh yeah, Fantasia won this contest. They are looking for crap.

Anoop Desai - I'm not sure, but I think this guy played Kumar. The first real dose of AM radio schlock of the night. What 22 year old picks Angel of Mine? One who wants granny panties thrown at him in Laughlin, that's who.

Casey Carlson - Oh joy, a Police song. The Elaine Benes dancing isn't going to help her chances either. When Paula says its bad, you know its bad. She's toast.

Michael Sarver - Big dumb Okie singing a big dumb country song. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich - Malkovich? She's pretty agreeable looking - unfortunately her song Natural Woman reminds me of a tampon commercial. Ted Danson is in the audience. He'll be this season's crying girl.

Stephen Fowler - How the hell does a guy who forgets the words to the song make it to the contest? Lame. Not as lame as his version of Rock With You though.

Tatiana Del Toro - She's an attention whore, so I'm going to talk about something else. Ryan Seacrest is creepy. His "natural" interaction with the contestants and judges is so freakishly rehearsed its possible he is a robot. A gay robot.

Danny Gokey - Hero by Mariah Carey. Are you fucking kidding me dude? Paula busts out the quote of the night: "I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas." Okay then.

Wow. That was a terrible opening night. If you're voting for the worst, then there are plenty of choices for you. For my money it doesn't get any worse than Jackie's tornado bait white trash Elvis homage. If you want to vote for someone good, I don't know what to tell you. Stevie was the least awful singer of the night I guess. Hopefully next week is better.

I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas.

My Recipe Can Beat Your Recipe Up: Chicken Parmesan & Homemade Garlic Bread

With the sweet smell of romance and carnal passions still lingering in the air from Valentine's Day, I figured I would throw my lace panties into the ring and share this erotically charged recipe that I just cooked for the aforementioned holiday. Unlike some recent Pomp Culture forays into the food arena, this one will make women swoon and put some hair on your shaved chest. This recipe screams passion and desire, whereas Tarragon Carrots and Fried Rice scream serial killer and lonely despair.

This one is significantly more complicated and requires more pans, hands and rugged determination. Sack up (both figuratively and with groceries) and get ready to have your culinary world rocked. Gordon Ramsey would f*&#ing love it.

Chicken Parmesan

1/4 cup olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 garlic gloves, minced
2 (Jason) bay leaves
1/2 cup kalamata olives, pitted (if you don't like olives you can leave em off, but these things rock)
1/2 bunch fresh basil
2 (28 oz) cans of whole peeled tomatoes, drained and hand crushed
Salt and Pepper (it also helps if you're listening to the rap sensation, Salt N' Peppa)
4 boneless chicken boobs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour (for God's Sakes, make sure it's all-purpose!)
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 tbsp water
1 cup dried bread crumbs
8 oz of fresh buffalo mozzarella, water drained (this makes it magic)
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 lb spaghetti, cooked al dente

Directions:

Coat a saute pan in olive oil and turn heat to medium. When it gets hot, add the onions, garlic and (Jason) bay leaves; cook for about cinco minutos. Add the olives and some hand-torn basil. Add the tomatoes (you should have already hand-smashed these like an Italian grandmother); be careful when you dump them in, because they splash and get on your white shirt, which makes you curse wildly, which could ruin the moment. Cook for 15 minutes until thick and season with salt, pepper, a dash of sugar and of course, love.

While this is cooking, get the chicken ready. Put the breasts on a cutting board, cover them with a piece of plastic wrap and then beat the hell out of them with a meat mallet. I didn't have a meat mallet, so I used the handle of knife sharpener. This is potentially dangerous. They should be about 1/2 inch thick. Put the flour in a shallow (grave) platter and season with salt, pepper. Mix together. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs and water together until frothy like a rabid dog. Dump the bread crumbs on a third plate (this one can be of the paper variety to save on clean up) and season with salt, pepper and maybe some Parmesan if you're feeling saucy.

Get out a kick ass pan (a large cast iron skillet is ideal)and heat 3 tablespoons of oil over a medium flame. I ended up needing a lot more oil than this, so start with 3 and go from there. Dredge both sides of the chicken first in flour, then the egg mix and then the bread crumbs mixture. When the oil is hotter than hell, add the cutlets and cook for 4 minutes on each side or until golden brown. You might need two skillets for this. I did it in one, but it took a lot longer than 4 minutes since I crowded them in there.

Then, assuming that you are using a skillet that is oven ready, just ladle the sauce over the chicken directly in the pan (turn off the heat). Break the mozzarella ball into chunks and place liberally atop the concoction. Also sprinkle with as much or as little Parmesan and basil (careful with that stuff) as you'd like. Throw that bad boy into the oven (Preheat at 450) and cook for 15 minutes, until the mozzarella is bubbly. If you don't have a oven ready skillet, just transfer it from the skillet/pan to a more traditional baking/casserole pan before you put it in the oven. Serve atop spaghetti, which I'm not going to tell you how to cook.

I served this with homemade garlic bread. I bought a loaf of Vienna bread, and cut the bread diagonally (without cutting through the bottom) into 1-inch thick slices with a serrated knife. You can then spread whatever you'd like onto the slices. I combined 1/2 stick of softened butter, 2 teaspoons garlic, 1 tablespoon olive oil and 2 tablespoons of basil together and used that. Wrap it in foil and throw that in the oven, opening the foil for the last 5 minutes. The recipe called for 15 minutes at 350 (plus another 5 minutes unwrapped), but I just threw it in with the Chicken Parmesan at 450 and kept my eye on it. About 10 minutes and then another 5 with the foil unwrapped.

Serve with copious amounts of wine and enjoy.

NBA All Star Game Highs & Lows

Last night, the West beat the East 146-119 in the NBA's annual All Star Game. Kobe Bryant and Shaq split the MVP honors. Here are the highs and lows, somewhat grouped by theme:

High - Craig Sager's pink sofa fabric coat.
The first thing I see when I turn TNT on is pimptastic Craig Sager decked out in a pink sport coat which could have been made out of my late great-grandmother's curtains or sofa. Get me the number of that man's tailor.

Low - Endless discussion of Allen Iverson's hair.
When someone with short hair gets a haircut, its not news. Frankly, when anyone gets a haircut it isn't news. Unless it's Britney Spears shaving her head. Then it's celebrity gossip. Either way, keep it off my basketball broadcast.

High - Jordin Sparks singing the national anthem.
Since she already sings it at every major sporting event in Arizona, I suggest we just let her do it before all big games held throughout the year. No one out there today does it better.

Low - Grant Hill's wife singing Oh Canada in French.
Hearing Oh Canada before the game is bad enough, but hearing it in French? In Phoenix? No. Just no. Damned Canadians with their flapping heads and beady eyes...

High - Shaq's entrance.
Shaq has always been of my favorites, even when he was on the friggin Lakers and his goofy entrance wearing a mask and dancing with JabbaWockeeZ got the evening off to a fun start.

Low - H-O-R-S-E becoming G-E-I-C-O.
I was genuinely excited when I heard the NBA was bringing H-O-R-S-E to All Star weekend. Then I heard they sold out to Geico and that bloody British lizard. One day I'll see his little green head on a pike.

High - Dwight Howard
Dwight Howard has quickly become one of my favorite players in the league and his performance in the dunk contest and in the game were spectacular as expected. He got robbed in the dunk contest though. Hard to top last year's Superman I guess.

Low - Third straight All Star snub of Deron Williams.
In his short NBA career, Williams has already proven to be one of the finest young guards in the game. With Boozer and AK47 out, Williams' has practically carried the Jazz on his shoulders. The absence of this kid in the All Star game is a disgrace.

High - An opportunity to appreciate Kobe Bryant.
When you're a Lakers hater in Lakers country, you don't get many opportunities to admit Kobe can be fun to watch. Here's my chance. Kobe is fun to watch. Some of the moves he makes defy the laws of physics as I know them.

Low - Tim Duncan and Tony Parker-Longoria
In contrast with Kobe and most of the other All Stars, Tim Duncan is like watching a snail ooze its way across the sidewalk after a spring rainstorm. He's so boring I just fell asleep writing about him. Tony Parker-Longoria? Well, I just don't like him. Listen to his French rap and you won't like him either.

High - The game itself.
The NBA's All Star game is the only one in the three major sports that is worth watching. For pure fun, it can't be beat. MLB took every bit of fun out of theirs when they "made it count" and also, as an NL fan, not winning one since 'Nam has grown tiresome. The NFL's Pro-Bowl is a complete sham. Half the guys don't show up and then they ones who do play like two series. Nuts to that.

The NBA has it right. The game is pure entertainment. Its our chance to watch the league's best (minus Deron Williams) run around having fun and dropping 120+ on each other. Better still? The coaches let the big guys play most of the game. If you didn't watch it, you missed out.

Game photos were found on Daylife.com.

Top Five: European NBA Players of the 1980's

In a complete ripoff of "High Fidelity" I will be doing my own Top 5 lists of various items. The subjects of these lists will be ones provided to me on a whim from different people. I will concoct my top 5 regardless if I have any knowledge of said subject matter or not. Just remember that in the end, my list is right and I'm better than you.

Today's subject: Top 5 European NBA Players of the 1980's.

...and GO!

#5 - Detlef Schrempf
Schrempf was a bomber from long range. He formed a 3-point shooting powerhouse with Reggie Miller on NBA Jam. Schrempf also looked like Guile from Street Fighter II or perhaps James Keach's character from The Experts.

#4 - Vlade Divac
Really one of the first European players that I remember seeing. Thankfully it wasn't "smelling".

#3 - Mark Eaton
Actually he's not European. But god damn, he looks a monster from another dimension or planet. Mark Eaton's daily diet includes one small child.


#2 - Drazen Petrovic
Very much ahead of his time. Drazen really paved the way for future European players in the NBA. Died in a car crash before it was considered cool for basketball players to do so. Bobby Hurley tried and failed.

#1 - Rony Seikaly
Nicknamed "The Spin Doctor" for his love of the album Pocket Full of Kryptonite. That or because of some move he did under the hoop, I don't remember. Why is Rony #1? Because he banged Elsa Benitez, that's why. How many hot models have you been with? I rest my case.

Think you have a better top 5 than me? Post it in the comments. At the very least, we can see who can come up with the second best list.

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Outfield Rankings

It's that time of year again. Pitchers and catchers are reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

OUTFIELD

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Ryan Braun, MIL	31.	Jermaine Dye, CHW
2.	Grady Sizemore, CLE	32.	Vernon Wells, TOR
3.	Carlos Beltran, NYM	33.	Raul Ibanez, PHI
4.	Josh Hamilton, TEX	34.	Ryan Ludwick, STL
5.	Matt Holliday, OAK	35.	Brad Hawpe, COL
6.	Alfonso Soriano, CHC	36.	Andre Ethier, LAD
7.	B.J. Upton, TB	37.	Chris Young, ARI
8.	Carlos Lee, HOU	38.	Conor Jackson, ARI
9.	Manny Ramirez, FA	39.	Lastings Milledge, WAS
10.	Nick Markakis, BAL	40.	Jayson Werth, PHI
11.	Carl Crawford, TB	41.	Xavier Nady, NYY
12.	Alex Rios, TOR	42.	Milton Bradley, CHC
13.	Carlos Quentin, CHW	43.	Pat Burrell, TB
14.	Jason Bay, BOS	44.	Rick Ankiel, STL
15.	Matt Kemp, LAD	45.	Delmon Young, MIN
16.	Ichiro Suzuki, SEA	46.	Carlos Gomez, MIN
17.	Curtis Granderson, DET	47.	Mark DeRosa, CLE
18.	Vladimir Guerrero, ANA	48.	Justin Upton, ARI
19.	Nate McLouth, PIT	49.	Coco Crisp, KC
20.	Jacoby Ellsbury, BOS	50.	Carlos Guillen, DET
21.	Bobby Abreu, ANA	51.	Willy Taveras, CIN
22.	Magglio Ordonez, DET	52.	Mike Cameron, MIL
23.	Shane Victorino, PHI	53.	Shin-Soo Choo, CLE
24.	Corey Hart, MIL	54.	Adam Jones, BAL
25.	Alexei Ramirez, CHW	55.	David DeJesus, KC
26.	Hunter Pence, HOU	56.	Elijah Dukes, WAS
27.	Adam Dunn, WAS	57.	Nelson Cruz, TEX
28.	Torii Hunter, ANA	58.	Cameron Maybin, FLA
29.	Johnny Damon, NYY	59.	Fred Lewis, SF
30.	Jay Bruce, CIN	60.	Adam Lind, TOR

Just missed the list: J.D Drew BOS, Nick Swisher NYY, Eric Byrnes ARI, Denard Span MIN, Jeff Francoeur ATL, Juan Pierre LAD, Randy Winn SF, Hideki Matsui NYY, Michael Bourn HOU, Jason Kubel MIN

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Shortstop Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're days away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

SHORTSTOP
Alexei Ramirez and Felipe Lopez are qualified at SS on Yahoo.

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Hanley Ramirez, FLA
2.	Jose Reyes, NYM
3.	Jimmy Rollins, PHI
4.	Alexei Ramirez, CHW
5.	Derek Jeter, NYY
6.	Stephen Drew, ARI
7.	Michael Young, TEX
8.	Troy Tulowitzki, COL
9.	Rafael Furcal, LAD
10.	Jhonny Peralta, CLE
11.	J.J. Hardy, MIL
12.	Miguel Tejada, HOU
13.	Yunel Escobar ATL
14.	Orlando Cabrera, FA
15.	Mike Aviles, KC
16.	Ryan Theriot, CHC
17.	Edgar Renteria, SF
18.	Felipe Lopez, ARI
19.	Cristian Guzman, WAS
20.	Khalil Greene, STL
21.	Jason Bartlett, TB
22.	Jed Lowrie, BOS
23.	Yuniesky Betancourt, SEA
24.	Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE
25.	Elvis Andrus, TEX
26.	Clint Barmes, COL
27.	Maicer Izturis, ANA
28.	Bobby Crosby, OAK
29.	Erick Aybar, ANA
30.	Brandon Wood, ANA

Just missed the list: Marco Scutaro TOR, Nomar Garciaparra FA, Emmanuel Burriss SF, Nick Punto MIN, Jack Wilson PIT, Cesar Izturis BAL

Governor X's Kitchen: Fried Rice

This week the Governor is back in the kitchen cooking up the perfect dish for any gaijin who wants to impress his little China Girl (just you shut your mouth...SHHHHHHHHHHH).

After the rousing success of tequila lime chicken, I'm going to try another favorite. Today's recipe is lazy man's fried rice. The inspirational chef for today's dish is none other than snuff porn aficionado and host of the original Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga. He is not, as the legends claim, dead from fugu poisoning.

To make this you are going to need 2 cups of rice, olive oil, 2 eggs, a shallot, a green onion, soy sauce and oyster sauce, so hop on the bike and battle off to Whole Foods to make sure you have everything.

Cook up a batch of plain white rice the night before. This is the perfect thing to do around midnight after two or three cans of Tecate. Your neighbors will probably think you're a stoner, but if you're reading this blog, you probably are. Rice can be deceptively hard to make, but do your best. Boil 3 cups of water and then stir in 2 cups of dry rice. Putting a drop of oil in the water helps keep the rice from sticking. Cover and simmer, stirring periodically, until the rice is moist and the water is gone. Fifteen minutes ought to be sufficient. This will yield generous amounts to use for the next day's fried rice. Refrigerate it and do whatever it is you do until dinner the next day. Me? I stayed up drinking more beer, passed out around 3, woke up around 10, and read a book about food rationing in Cuba.

The first thing you need to do is finely chop one green onion and grate 1/4th of the shallot. When that is done, beat the two eggs. Put a little oil in the pan and warm, pouring the eggs in when ready. Scramble them. This should take no more than 2-3 minutes. Don't let the egg get rubbery. When they're ready, remove the pan from the heat.

Recipes always say to use a wok, but I don't have one. A large non-stick pot worked just fine. Put a little oil in the bottom of the pan and warm. Dump your cooked rice in and start breaking it up. When its no longer clumpy, add about 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce and stir in. Then add soy sauce. I can't really be specific as to how much. I pour enough in to make the rice brown after I stirred it in, but you can certainly add more. Enjoy the high blood pressure though. Keep stirring the rice for a minute or so, then add the scrambled egg, green onion, and shallot. Stir it all together for a few minutes with the heat to thoroughly mix the flavors and you're ready to go.

You can add anything you want beyond this. Personally, I pick most of the shit they add like carrots out anyway, so I find it delicious like this. You can always pre-cook chicken, shrimp, or any other meat and mix that in as well. Its your call. Now fuck off...

Childhood Favorites: Weird Science

A couple weeks ago it was revealed that my spouse had never seen the Anthony Michael Hall vehicle, 'Weird Science'. Having not seen it myself in over 15 years, I thought it would be a great opportunity to revisit one of my favorite movies as a kid. Unfortunately, some things are better left dead.

There's a reason you don't see 'Weird Science' in the TNT rotation along with 'Road House' and 'Teen Wolf'. I'm not sure that I can confidently explain what that reason is, but suffice it to say that this is not the masterpiece you might remember. I'm not even talking about the far-fetched premise of creating a smoking-hot woman out of a 1985 computer. That may have been the most believable aspect of the film. The missile that randomly spouts from the foundation of the house during the climactic party scene? Bill Paxton being turned into a poor man's Jabba the Hut? The fact that this movie starred a one Ilan Mitchell-Smith? You'll remember him as the nerd that wasn't Anthony Michael Hall. He gave up acting in 1991 and is now an assistant professor of English at Angelo State University. That was probably a wise move.

Despite the presence of Robert Downey Jr. in the early throes of substance abuse, and one scene at a blues bar where the boys reminisce about "great big titties" with their elder African American statesmen, this movie offered nothing. Bras on their heads? The random motorcycle gang that crashes the party? Again, the missile? State of the art mid-'80s computer graphics? Ilian Mitchell-Smith walking around in women's underwear?

All in all, 'Weird Science' gave us very few laughs. The wife pretty much sat through it stone-faced as I tried in vain to make excuses. It did not prove to be the quintessential '80s film that I remembered, and was probably one of the worst John Hughes flicks. The lesson? Don't blindly pledge allegiance to movies from your childhood. Well, except maybe 'Flight of the Navigator'.

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Third Base Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

THIRD BASE
Michael Young is slated to start at 3B this season so I've included here.

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Alex Rodriguez, NYY
2.	David Wright, NYM
3.	Miguel Cabrera, DET
4.	Evan Longoria, TB
5.	Aramis Ramirez, CHC
6.	Kevin Youkilis, BOS
7.	Chipper Jones, ATL
8.	Garrett Atkins, COL
9.	Chris Davis, TEX
10.	Aubrey Huff, BAL
11.	Michael Young, TEX
12.	Ryan Zimmerman, WAS
13.	Chone Figgins, ANA
14.	Adrian Beltre, SEA
15.	Mark Reynolds, ARI
16.	Alex Gordon, KC
17.	Carlos Guillen, DET
18.	Edwin Encarnacion, CIN
19.	Mark DeRosa, CLE
20.	Jorge Cantu, FLA
21.	Pablo Sandoval, SF
22.	Melvin Mora, BAL
23.	Hank Blalock, TEX
24.	Kevin Kouzmanoff, SD
25.	Troy Glaus, STL
26.	Mike Lowell, BOS
27.	Felipe Lopez, ARI
28.	Casey Blake, LAD
29.	Ian Stewart, COL
30.	Ty Wigginton, BAL

Just missed the list: Jed Lowrie BOS, Scott Rolen TOR, Josh Fields CHW, Bill Hall MIL, Brandon Wood ANA

A Grown Man Attempts to Review NES Games, part 1

The Exquisite Horror of 8 Eyes

Okay, the premise is simple: I have several hundred NES roms that I have downloaded; I have never/rarely played most of them. I am currently 32 years old and need to face my nostalgia for the old NES days fairly (rejected title: “Overrated: Retro Gaming”). To wit, what sort of first impression do I get from any given NES game from “Back in the Day^TM?”

I will be rating this on a Points Scale of my own devising that makes absolutely no sense. Also, I will be doing no research on the game – I don’t want my viewpoint colored by learning anything other than what I see on the screen.

The game in question is 8 Eyes. I’ve never played this game, nor even heard of it before last week. It comes from the Golden Age of the NES, circa 1988-89.

Graphics: The graphics on this game were about par for the course for that era. The first level looks a little busy, but maybe the designer was going for an “Arabesque” feel. Points detracted for kinda ripping off the look of Castlevania, but added back in because, dude, if you’re gonna rip off a game, there are worse ones. Although, I’m not 100% sure if your character is supposed to be an albino, or coloring was deemed “too expensive.” (3/5)


Sound: The music, or what I heard before turning the sound down in annoyance, sounded like a shitty demo harpsichord played by your best friend’s kid sister who later dreamed of joining Dead Can Dance. Given the unabashed radness of sound design on games like the Mega Man, Castlevania, and Ninja Gaiden series, that is unacceptable. (1/5)


Gameplay: This game plays like a not very fun Castlevania ripoff, which I can only assume it is. And that means you have the same lame gravity and jumping physics that marred that series. Otherwise, you run around and stab culturally sensitive A-rabs and Skeletons and birds (and apparently Jawas). Add to it the total tease of board that looks like you’re given the choice to select worlds a la Megaman, while not really being given a choice, and this game can go to hell. Oh, and like all games made between 1987-1991, it’s ridiculously, unrewardingly hard and there is no password function (2/5)


Level of Adult Confusion: Very, very high. Maybe the instruction book would explain the premise of this game (I somehow doubt it), but apparently you are an Albino Knife Guy with a Pet Bird that May or May not be Helping You When You Fight. You are clearly traveling the world to accomplish something. Or find someone. Or just because you like stabbing things. The first level consists largely of stabbing things and opening doors. Which you open by stabbing the switches which are…um…well


More than a little phallic. Thank God once you stab them they look…


Oh.

Nevermind.

Oh, and speaking of God, this game is apparently religious or something. When you stab the not at all racist Turbaned Arab Guys, they turn into crosses, as do all the other villains – except for the Jawas. Apparently, they drop throwing weapons. These include (as far as I’ve gotten) ANOTHER KNIFE (so you can stab people from far away) and a ball that rolls around and seemed to do little or no actual damage.

Wait a minute…albino hero…crosses…is this game made by Opus Dei? Do I have to fight a giant Tom Hanks head that shoots Audrey Tatous at me? If not, why not?

Maybe this would be cleared up if I could make it to the end of a level, but I somehow doubt it. (5/5)

Level of Childhood Rage If I Had Spent My Own Money On This: Pretty damn high, I’m guessing. Games weren’t cheap back then, and I didn’t have a job. If I had spent between 25 and 40 bucks on this swillpile because the store was out of Mega Man 2 (and not buying a new game was not an option), I would have been beside myself with fury. Oh, I would have played it for hours, because it’s not like I had a life, but I wouldn’t have been pleased. Oh, no. (5/5)

Time Spent Playing as an Adult Before Quitting In Annoyance: Not including making screen caps? 3 minutes, tops. To put this into perspective, I spent at least 2 minutes just fantasizing about miniature Amelie's raining on me when composing this.

Composite Grade: D-

Honestly, even Castlevania 2 was more fun than this pile o’crap. Of course, if you like crypto-religious games about albinos that like to stab doorwangs, by all means download this. If you ever see me replaying it, then I am punishing myself for my sins and couldn’t find my flail.

Clive Davis, Exit Stage Left of My Life

Can we please have one music awards show, particularly the Grammys, without having this pompous old man take up valuable screen time? Seriously, why is everybody always sucking this guy's dick? I don't care if he discovered a pre-crack whore Whitney Houston or Earth Wind and Motherfucking Fire. He is old and he should be put down.

Enough is enough. Did he discover music? I should think not. This fawning and dick-sucking must cease immediately. Pomp Culture is calling for an immediate ban on any further Clive Davis tributes, lifetime achievement awards or even simple 'thank yous'. This will not stand.

*The views expressed in the piece above are both irrational and hateful, but represent the views of all of America (outside of the recording industry).



L-R: Clive Davis, Bono, Hannah Montanta

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Second Base Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

SECOND BASE
Chone Figgins just barely qualifies at 2B under Yahoo's rules, so I have added him here.

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Ian Kinsler, TEX
2.	Dustin Pedroia, BOS
3.	Chase Utley, PHI
4.	Brandon Phillips, CIN
5.	Brian Roberts, BAL
6.	Alexei Ramirez, CHW
7.	Dan Uggla, FLA
8.	Robinson Cano, NYY
9.	Chone Figgins, ANA
10.	Jose Lopez, SEA
11.	Kelly Johnson, ATL
12.	Howie Kendrick, ANA
13.	Placido Polanco, DET
14.	Mark DeRosa, CLE
15.	Rickie Weeks, MIL
16.	Mike Aviles, KC
17.	Freddy Sanchez, PIT
18.	Orlando Hudson, FA
19.	Felipe Lopez, ARI
20.	Akinori Iwamura, TB
21.	Kazuo Matsui, HOU
22.	Aaron Hill, TOR
23.	Mark Ellis, OAK
24.	Alexi Casilla, MIN
25.	Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE
26.	Clint Barmes, COL
27.	Luis Castillo, NYM
28.	Ian Stewart, COL
29.	Maicer Izturis, ANA
30.	Blake DeWitt, LAD

Just missed the list: Mike Fontenot CHC, Emmanuel Burriss SF, Ronnie Belliard WAS

Cook This!

Honey Tarragon Carrots

This sweet, delicious recipe can serve as a side dish or a meal itself. It's so easy a bachelor can do it.

Ingredients:

• 1 pound baby carrots (they're in a bag! totally easy!)
• 1 cup water (the landlord pays for the water!)
• 2 tablespoons honey (honey moves slowly)
• 1 teaspoon tarragon, dried (no one really knows what tarragon is. little known fact: a good grocery store will alphabetize the spices).
• 1/4 teaspoon salt (negotiable)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper (equally negotiable).

Gameplan:

• In a medium pan, simmer the carrots in the water, covered, for 10 minutes.
• When that's done, add the rest of the ingredients (spread the honey out a bit if possible).
• Then turn the flame to high and cook until the liquid is gone.

Word to the wise: Keep moving the carrots so they don't end up black on one side.

(Please note that yours will not look as good as the ones in this picture)

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: First Base Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

FIRST BASE
* denotes player technically only qualifies as a DH, but having a separate DH ranking is worthless so I include them in the first base rankings since that is what they typically played in the field.

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Albert Pujols, STL
2.	Miguel Cabrera, DET
3.	Mark Teixeira, NYY
4.	Ryan Howard, PHI
5.	Lance Berkman, HOU
6.	Prince Fielder, MIL
7.	Justin Morneau, MIN
8.	David Ortiz, BOS*
9.	Kevin Youkilis, BOS
10.	Adrian Gonzalez, SD
11.	Derrek Lee, CHC
12.	Adam Dunn, FA
13.	Garrett Atkins, COL
14.	Chris Davis, TEX
15.	Joey Votto, CIN
16.	Carlos Pena, TB
17.	Aubrey Huff, BAL
18.	Carlos Delgado, NYM
19.	Conor Jackson, ARI
20.	James Loney, LAD
21.	Victor Martinez, CLE
22.	Jim Thome, CHW*
23.	Carlos Guillen, DET
24.	Adam LaRoche, PIT
25.	Paul Konerko, CHW
26.	Jorge Cantu, FLA
27.	Mike Jacobs, KC
28.	Hank Blalock, TEX
29.	Nick Swisher, NYY
30.	Travis Hafner, CLE*

Just missed the list: Jason Giambi OAK, Billy Butler KC, Pablo Sandoval SF, Casey Blake LAD, Todd Helton COL, Casey Kotchman ATL

Happy Birthday Rick Astley

Rick Astley turns 43 today. Most of you by now know and have grown tired of the phenomenon of "Rickrolling".

But before the Rickroll even came about, Chaim Witz saluted Mr. Astley in his classic "Realm of Red" series on our old site Thunder Matt's Saloon. So in honor of Rick, I bring you this classic post yanked from the TMS Vault.

Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week
Posted by Chaim Witz on July 30, 2006

Each week (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Rick Astley

Rick Astley is hardcore. In 1988 this gangly Brit burst onto the stagnant American music scene with the rocker 'Never Gonna Give You Up', which bitchslapped it's way to #1. He then followed that up with another right hook, this one a little ditty called 'Together Forever'. A musical hurricane like this hadn't been experienced since Ole' Blue Eyes. The world had been effectively 'Ast-raped'.

Then the bottom fell out. Quicker than Mel Gibson can say 'I hate Jews', Rick Astley's once promising career swandived into a Brien Taylor-like oblivion. Desperate to revive his flagging career, Rick enlisted a team of crack scientists (Rick thought this meant, 'skilled and first rate', but alas they actually were scientists who abused crack) to help his cause. They decided the best way to preserve his greatness would be to clone him. Unfortunately, the experiment went haywire, with lots of explosions, overflowing beakers and spilled toxic chemicals. The end result was Clay Aiken.

These days, Rick makes the rounds on the British pub circuit, touring with Basia and selling CD's online to my mom and probably the Saloon's own Brant Brown, who likely buys his CD's on account that Rick is British. His voice is still deeper than it has any right to be and even though he claims that he's "happier than he's ever been", deep down he is wretched and resentful.

Rick was last seen at a Liverpool flea market, trying to pawn off boxes of leftover 'I was Ast-raped. Rick Astley World Tour 1988' t-shirts.

Happy Birthday Rick.

Governor X's Kitchen: Tequila Lime Chicken

With boredom beginning to consume my life, I have recently decided to be somewhat productive and learn how to cook. This man here, Chef Gordon Ramsay, is my inspiration. I've grown absolutely addicted to his various shows on BBC America and his cursing is impressive and legendary. He is prone to making some strange dishes like pigeon salad and his love of scallops borders on sexual, so with rare exceptions, I'm not going to be trying his recipes right off the bat. For one, where the hell am I going to buy pigeon meat? Instead I will be focusing on my favorites, and to kick things off I had a go at tequila lime chicken, one of the finest dishes to be found on a Mexican menu.

I began the process by reviewing a variety of recipes online and taking bits from one or the other, based on my own tastes and what is available in the kitchen, to come up with a coherent plan. So after getting some chicken breasts and lime at the store, I was ready to start cooking. I was pretty excited, even if you aren't while reading this.

No one ever really tells you the nuts and bolts of cooking. How do you mix all this shit together? I remembered I had a food processor, which has literally never been used in the 8 years or so that I've owned it, so I opted to toss all of the following ingredients in there and hack it into a chunky salsa like liquid:

1/4 cup tequila
1 lime (interior only – no peel)
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 dash Mexican seasoning

I used 1800 Reserva Reposado because the bottle was full, but I doubt it matters much. Every recipe I saw called for lime juice, but I opted to use the entire lime. This made enough for about three chicken breasts. After marinading the chicken for a couple hours, I tossed them on the grill. To have with the chicken, I made some grilled squash using this Food Network recipe.

The chicken and squash turned out perfectly. Using the food processor and a real lime was a great decision because it gave the taste on the chicken a bit of texture. I'd never grilled squash either, but I can see it becoming a staple. This dinner was positively delicious. For my first hack, I'm exceedingly pleased with the results. So far, this is my signature dish. It is my only dish too I realize. Whatever. As Gordon would say, now fuck off...

I need to work on presentation, but the taste was superb.

Everything That's Wrong With America

A 67 year-old "occasional" golfer from Manchester, N.H. lost his eye when his shot ricocheted off a yardage marker and hit him in the head. He claims:

...the course did not warn him about the markers. He says they were too rigid to be safe for the course and improperly placed in the middle of the fairway.

Jesus Christ. This might actually eclipse the woman suing McDonald's for her coffee being too hot as the most frivolous lawsuit I've ever heard of. We need labels on hemorrhoid medication so that no one eats it, instructions for hats, and now soft yardage markers so that they don't bounce balls back into our faces (ed. note: hehe). I get upset when there aren't any markers on the course. Plus, they're usually no higher than a foot or two off the ground, where golf balls tend not to fly. Was he standing directly in front of the marker? The course should file a counter-suit for assault.

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Catcher Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

CATCHERS

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Brian McCann, ATL
2.	Russell Martin, LAD
3.	Joe Mauer, MIN
4.	Geovany Soto, CHC
5.	Victor Martinez, CLE
6.	Ryan Doumit, PIT
7.	Chris Iannetta, COL
8.	Bengie Molina, SF
9.	Jorge Posada, NYY
10.	Mike Napoli, ANA
11.	Ramon Hernandez, CIN
12.	A.J. Pierzynski, CHW
13.	Matt Wieters, BAL
14.	Pablo Sandoval, SF
15.	Dioner Navarro, TB
16.	Chris Snyder, ARI
17.	Brandon Inge, DET
18.	Kurt Suzuki, OAK
19.	Jeff Clement, SEA
20.	Gerald Laird, DET
21.	Yadier Molina, STL
22.	Kelly Shoppach, CLE
23.	Jarrod Saltalamacchia, TEX
24.	Ivan Rodriguez, FA
25.	Jesus Flores, WAS
26.	John Baker, FLA
27.	Miguel Olivo, KC
28.	Jason Varitek, BOS
29.	Rod Barajas, TOR
30.	Taylor Teagarden, TEX

Just missed the list: Kenji Johjima SEA, J.R. Towles HOU, Jeff Mathis ANA, Jason Kendall MIL

An Open Letter to David Beckham

Dear David,

First and foremost, you are a shadow of the player you once were. Kim Jong Il is bolstered by less mythology. Second, thank you for pilfering the Los Angeles Galaxy. If any good is to come of this, it will be that the MLS recognizes the necessity of greater self-promotion and proactively works to nurture a more polished crop of American players so that we do not have to rely on has-beens and never-weres with controversial haircuts. Third, please take comfort in the fact that we will not miss your gaunt wife, and our economy will rebound just fine without her credit cards.

Really, it wasn't you David. It was me.

Yours,
America

P.S. Enjoy your time lying underneath flopping Italians.