More Lost Diary

Did I also mention that I'm trying not to drink for the entire month? At any moment I may suddenly veer sharply away from the plot and start racially categorizing the work crew fixing the train tracks across from my window.

Season 1, Ep. 5

Sweet Jesus, enough with the eye zoom. Just once it would be nice to start an episode zooming away from Hurley's gaping belly button. Jack just had his ass handed to him trying to stick up for a schoolyard friend. And now he's awake and swimming out to rescue a woman in the ocean because Charlie can't swim. No one thinks to help him. Great job guys.

There's that guy in the suit again. And he's gone. Of course he is.

There are 46 people in the group? I keep forgetting that since only about ten of them have names. And they're running low on water. Back to Jack's memory. He's talking to his dad about making decisions. His dad "has what it takes". His dad doesn't think Jack does. That's a little harsh. Suit sighting number three. Hello Jack's dad.

Locke hasn't done something cool in over 15 minutes. I DEMAND SOMETHING AWESOME!

There, phew!

Now Jack's father has left home and his mother need Jack to go bring him back. From Australia. Claire fell down. Where's your astrology now, huh Claire? Someone stole the water and Locke is going to get it back. MOUNT UP!

Jack can't find his father in Australia or the jungle. There he is! Wait, no, that's a cliff. Does Jack "have what it takes" to climb up? Ah, Locke is there to save him.

We have another tattoo sighting, and this one's on Charlie. "Living is easy with eyes closed." For those keeping track, the Asian couple are both Korean and Chinese.

"A leader can't lead 'til he knows where he's going." Jack's father is dead. Now Jack is back in the jungle chasing a sound. Water! And...a doll? And...more dolls. And Jack's father's casket. Without Jack's father. OK, I didn't see that coming.

Turns out the lifeguard took the water. And before they can crucify him, Jack comes back and starts to lead. Yes we can!

Season 1, Ep. 6

Ah, we've reached the "previously on Lost" stage of the game. No turning back now. It looks like Kate is just as curious as I am about the meaning of tattoos. How terribly interesting.

House of the Rising Sun. Her name is Sun. I see what you did there. NICE form tackle! He didn't expect the weak-side Chinese blitz. No one ever does. Sayid to the rescue.

Drugs? DON'T MIND IF I DO! And after that, how about a whole mess of bees? BEES! THEY'RE RIPPING MY FLESH OFF! Quick, take refuge next to these mummified corpses. White and black again. Perhaps a doomed race of backgammon champions?

Aw, a puppy. And a workaholic! Jack wants to bring people into the mummy cave. Seems REASONable.

Oh man, the husband is a ninja. A management ninja!

I was totally right about Locke wanting to join Drive Shaft. Mark it. Wait, where did Sayid get an ax?

People are divided about what to do. Again. Uh oh, we've a runaway bride situation developing. A runaway bride that speaks English, no less.

Alright, Locke knows how everything works. Prepare yourselves for some face-melting acoustic guitar solos! From now on each episode will be given a Locke rating.

Oh man, there's no time like ax time! Did you feel that? Yeah, you felt it.

This episode wasn't great but it had its moments and took care of some necessary plot details. I award it three Lockes.

Lost Diary

After all the initial introductions, plot, etc...I'm back for more; this time armed with a fresh pot of coffee and a sandwich.

Season 1, Ep. 3

Back on the beach. The cop is talking to Jack about his missing handcuffs and Jack learns that Kate is the criminal. So much for that mystery. Sayid is giving us a geography lesson with a rock and a stick. Sawyer suggests that they turn their attention back to the haunting broadcast they heard a bit earlier. He looks like he should be working at PacSun. He's smarter than he looks. Sayid suggests they keep this nugget of information secret. I'm sure that won't have any repercussions. Hurley finds out about Kate.

More gun talk. I say they give it to Sawyer, who managed to kill a charging polar bear with a handgun. Smash-cut to Kate's backstory. Annie? She helped an old Australian farmer with a fake arm. Alrighty. Back to the present. Kate breaks the pact! That took less than ten minutes.

Surprise, Hurley doesn't want to go into the plane. Jack and Sawyer have an enlightening back-and-forth. Shellfish AND heavy lifting for the pregnant woman? At this pace she will give birth to a chicken burrito. Hurley is afraid of everything. With his shadow we would always have six more months of winter.

Back to the Kate/Annie story. She's leaving the farm but is persuadedto stay one more night. "Everyone deserves a fresh start."

Ominous music.

The marshall wakes up and strangles Kate until Jack intervenes. How hard can it be to defend yourself against a guy who just underwent major surgery on a beach with a straight razor? Kate wants Jack Kevorkian to off the guy. Jack doesn't respond well to this. Back to Kate being driven to the train station. There's a black (evil) suburban following them and we find out the farmer sold her out for the reward money. Bummer.

Now we know checkers' name is Mr. Locke. The secret was that a miracle happened to him. That doesn't help at all. The search for Vincent continues. That doesn't sound like a golden lab. NAKED! Locke is making a whistle. Perhaps he has a future in Drive Shaft. Why are they making 12 separate small fires instead of keeping one large one burning? There's only one bullet left in the gun. Back to the outback. Kate flips the truck and saves the one-armed man but gets caught. Hurley calls Kate "the fugitive" but she SAVED the one-armed man. GUNSHOT! I know what happened. Wait, I was wrong. Sawyer shot him...in the chest. Dumbass.


I bet Locke's whistle is to call the dog. Ha! I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! Here we go: what Kate did. Or not. Again, starting over. I'm beginning to think that's some sort of "theme". Everyone is BFF now, even the Osmonds. F-A-T-E to L-A-T-E. SLOW MOTION RUN TO VINCENT! Wait, more ominous music and Locke. C'mon!

Season 1, Ep. 4

They really love using the "zoom in on the opening eye" shot. Vincent knows there's something afoot. What's in the plane? Wild boar. Jack thinks they should burn the bodies so they won't attracts more animals but Sayid protests saying that it would be disrespectful.

Sayid is like the professor on Gilligan's island. Next on the docket, a coconut iPod. A blue one, please. Hurley and Sawyer are fighting over the last peanuts. Food committee: fail. Things Locke knows a lot about: backgammon, whittling, throwing knives and wild boars.

Sayid
TPS reports. Nice.

C'mon people, put the knives on sticks and make spears. Doesn't anyone watch Man vs. Wild? Claire says her little burrito is doing well and thinks they should hold a memorial for the dead in the plane. Clearly Jack = Science and Claire/Sayid = Religion.

"Yes yes, I am the bass guitarist for..." Classic Charlie.

Back to the jungle. YES. Locke is like Danny from Predator. "Ain't no man." Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to talk instead of use signs. Is Locke playing Risk? His stock is rising by the minute. Locke's boss Randy is a gigantic asshole. "Don't tell me what I can't do."

Charlie and Hurley fishing was brilliant. Locke's first name is John? That's interesting. Perhaps Locke is also an empiricist? Yikes, Helen costs $89.95 an hour and doesn't want his extra walkabout ticket. That's awkward...um, does anyone need a refill on coffee?

Kate climbs trees like a ring tailed lemur! Annnnnd Locke sees the huge thing in the jungle. But we don't. Charlie likes Shannon. That is, until he finds out he was used. Women are cruel.

GUY IN A WELL-TAILORED SUIT!

Kate thinks Locke is gone. Locke is not gone. There's Locke! With dinner! Names being read. Charlie is almost out of hash. Jack is not among those mourning the dead.

The walkabout company...LOCKE COULDN'T WALK AND NOW HE CAN!

Dammit, the Championship is on tonight. That's going to cut into this. I'll have to put in some OT tomorrow.

Unemployed Blogger Watches Lost for the First Time

Since the launch of the show Lost on ABC, I've been strongly encouraged by friends and enemies alike to start watching. Things began to get ugly until I finally gave in, due to lack of alternatives and a general coldness outside. In order to finish the 101 episodes before the premiere on Feb 2nd, I'll need to average 4 episodes per day. Hulu has posted every single episode online so I'll be watching them, alone, in my darkened apartment on my aging computer. I'll be writing up a little play-by-play as I watch and posting it here for all to enjoy. Let the insanity begin!

Season 1, Ep. 1

Dog shows up. Dog runs away. Disoriented guy with scratches on his face finds booze in his pocket. So far this is like me on a Tuesday. Evidence of some type of "plane" crash. LOUD NOISES. Hot girl in skirt. Seems like a pretty nice day out. Guy screaming for help. Pregnant girl on the beach. It's Go Time! Guy gets sucked into the engine. Fat guy looks like Raggedy Anne. KABOOM! Hobbit is unfazed.

Jack is hurt. Hurt real bad. He's got a tattoo, like Chaim. It's sewing time! Fear something something. These two like each other. Like like. F-A-T-E. Hot girl is kind of a bitch. Raggedy Anne is eating all the rations from the plane. Raggedy Anne will now be called Milhouse. The front and the back of the plane are missing. Smoke in the valley. Probably not important. Some pretty loud noises in the jungle and the trees are going crazy.

Back on the plane. Just a little turbulence, everything is fine. Just the masks, everything will be fine. Kate just stole that guy's Jordans! Kate and Charlie don't know each other...OR DO THEY? Charlie is in Drive Shaft. There's that damn dog again. The trees do not like the rain. Hello front of plane. How are you today? Pilots were in the cockpit. Not anymore. One pilot is alive. Transceiver! What's that sound? What's right outside? The dog? Is the dog right outside? OK nowwww the pilot is out of the cockpit. Running and then the 1-5 fear thing. Got it. Bloody pilot up in the tree.

Rub some dirt on it, pussy
Season 1, Ep. 2

Transceiver is still busted. Charlie death stare. Back to the plane. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Ah, drugs. Shockingly, the plane breaks apart again.

Ever seen a Hobbit...ON WEED?
Hot girl is sunbathing. I do not mind. Pregnant girl looks like she's thinking of sunbathing. I mind. Asian girl finally says something to the guy from the crappy Matrix movies. Oh the DOG belongs to the KID! It's the KID's DOG!

Smear the queer on the beach. Sayid and Milhouse are friends. Transceiver might work from the mountain. It will not work. Ha, yeah, the big guy needs some food. Charlie is trippin' balls. Hot girl is named Shannon. Shannon. I'm making a prediction now: the guy smoking all the time was the one that did it.

The "two players, two sides, one is light, one is dark" speech is important. Kid, don't listen to the crazy man who wants to tell you a secret.


Shouldn't pregnant women avoid shellfish? The "thing" is chasing the group in the jungle again. GUN! POLAR BEAR! What?

Down goes Milhouse! So KATE is the criminal. That's probably important. And Jack is working on the cop. Sayid has a bar! Something else is transmitting? Iteration 17294532. "Please help me, please come get me. I'm alone now, on the island alone. The other are dead. It killed them. It killed them all." It's been playing for 16 years and 5 months.

OMFG
Tune in tomorrow afternoon for the next bunch.