A Tuesday Afternoon Update from Bud Norris

Braves, err Dodgers, err Cardinals, wait no, apparently Phillies pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta, LA, or St. Louis beat writers. They'll tell you. Looks like you can ask the Philadelphia beat writers now too. Can someone just sign this guy to a long term deal already? The floor is yours Nud:

THANK YOU 8,091 TWEETER PEOPLES!!!!!

TMS Improv with Bud Norris

Braves, err Dodgers, no wait, Cardinals (really?) pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta or LA beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Cardinals beat writers too, but you'd get a long lecture on the best baseball town in America or some such shit, so know what you'll be dealing with. Anyway, he recently contacted us and told us he had a great joke. Take it away Nud:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. Stop me if you've heard this one before. A guy walks in to the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his butt. The doctor takes a look and says "I think this is just the tip of the iceberg." (rimshot)

TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris

TMS Late Night: Bud Norris' Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce

Braves, uh, star I guess Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. Anyway, in honor of his upcoming start on Wednesday, we asked him to rank his Top 5 types of lettuce:

Hey y'all. Bud Norris here. The TMS guys asked me to rank my favorite types of lettuce. I can never say no to talkin' 'bout lettuce, so here you go.

5. Romaine - Not very good, but if you throw the green out and just eat the whites then it's OK I guess. My aunt used to cook up a romaine casserole with the white parts, cashews, and French's yellow mustard. That takes me back.

4. That Stuff in the Cold Slaw - I don't know how they do that cold slaw stuff. Some magic I guess. Anyway, if you find you need some lettuce and can only find cold slaw, you can rinse the white stuff off and just munch of the lettucy thing. I don't eat them carrots neither.

3. Kale Chips Soaked in Milk - Kale kinda looks like lettuce, but I don't know. I'm not science guy. I was tellin' my teammates though how I like to buy the Kale Chips down at the Trader Joe and soak 'em in milk. That puts the water back in it and it tastes super close to iceberg.

2. Iceberg in the Sack - When you can't get the real deal, the iceberg in the sack will do fine. I can't eat it like an apple though so it's always gonna be my number 2.

1. Fresh Iceberg - You could put this on anything. Sandwiches, chicken tenders, what have you. Me? I don't think it needs nothin'. I just put the entire head in my lunch pail and munch away when I need a quick pick me up.

"Ooh, heaven is a place on earth" - Nud Borris looking at a lettuce field

also Belinda Carlisle