Ginger Russ Drunkblog: It's Teds Day

If you really want to read the Drunkblog, click here (originally posted on TMS), if not enjoy the video.

GFY Cubs!

All Star Drunkblog: The Late Edition

I'm here, I'M HERE! Sorry I'm late what did I miss? Top of the 5th and the NL is leading 3-2? Oh sweet Jebus let's hope they can hold on.

9:02 - Just sat down for the 5th inning and Utley and Pujols made great defensive stops. It's amazing to see a second baseman with ability for a change.

9:04 - Joe Mauer is a motherfucker. Jesus was Ryan Braun playing in CF? How far was he from that ball? AL ties it 3-3.

9:06 - When it comes to handheld devices, U2 are a fickle bunch of assholes aren't they? First it's iPod and now they're shilling for Blackberry. Have you no shame Bono?

9:08 - Joe Maddon is a helluva manager. I also loved his work opposite Will Smith in "Enemy of the State."

9:09 - Wait, Edwin Jackson is good? When did that happen?

9:11 - All Star record for fastest half inning right there. The bottom of the 5th was over before it started.

9:15 - Ryan Zimmerman is only 24 years old? He's gonna be something whenever he gets to play for a major league team.

9:17 - You make the call. Joe Maddon.....or.....Joe Maddon?


9:19 - Adam Jones looks like the bastard child of Eric Davis and I mean that as a compliment.

9:22 - This drunkblog is brought to you by Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA, the official beer of watching the ASG on the couch with a hot notebook on my lap. I'm sweating like Brando here.

9:23 - Jesus, don't blink or you'll miss the NL bat apparently.

9:24 - Last commercial break there was the largest advertising abortion I've ever seen. It was like a 5 minute Taco Bell commercial that was a blatant ripoff of Andy Samberg's music videos. I hate Taco Bell. I can't remember the last god damn time I went there and was happy with their food. Just a pile of AIDS-laced shmag meat in a tortilla shell.

9:26 - Albert Pujols being interviewed right now. I had no idea he was in the All Star Game. You'd think being in St. Louis they would've made a bigger deal about that.

9:28 - Francisco Cordero is pitching. You know who's not pitching tonight? Chad Cordero.

9:29 - Another quick half inning. This drunkblogging is a breeze.

9:32 - Allow me to be a dick for a second. This singing of "God Bless America" at the 7th inning stretch is complete and utter bullshit. I think I ranted about this before in an old post. I'm close to deeming it a War Criminal. I can do that now and not worry about Dick Cheney secretly wiretapping me.

9:36 - My wife just mentioned that Jayson Werth looks like Leif Garrett. I don't even know what to do with that information.

9:37 - Who would be a bigger douchebag if you bumped into them at a bar, Ryan Braun or Jonathan Papelbon? That's a question for the ages.

9:39 - Leif Werth strikes out to end the 7th inning. Not an exciting last couple innings. Both teams seems to be happily burning through their pitchers though. Is anyone concerned about extra innings? I mean this one "counts" remember?

9:42 - Just saw the one play I missed while I was getting another beer. Carl Crawford robbing a possible homer from Brad Hawpe. The one exciting thing since I logged on thus far and I missed it.

9:45 - 1 out in the top of the 8th and V-Mart is being intentionally walked to bring Adam Jones up. Sure it sets up a possible double play, but I have a bad feeling about this.

9:49 - Eric Davis bastard child with the sac fly. 4-3, AL takes the lead now. Damn it all to hell.

9:51 - Ben Zobrist is now up. Mark it dude, Zobrist will be the Alexei Ramirez of next year's fantasy draft with positional qualifications at 2B/3B/SS/OF.

9:54 - New Mercedes E-Class, basically drives itself according to the pompous commercial. Why can't they work on more important shit like making cars fly and cooking me a steak?

9:56 - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, tonight's game has been deemed the most boring ASG of all time.

9:58 - Adrian Gonzalez. Screw Jake Peavy, this is the Padre you want for your team. Adrian Gonzalez is a grown ass man! He built the Eiffel Tower out of steel, and brawn.

10:00 - Email from former TMS bartender Brant Brown a few hours ago: "Wow, the guy driving Musial in the cart was classic. Didn't even look at Obama until Obama stuck his hand in front of him to shake. Hopefully that shows up on YouTube." St. Louis still acknowledges Jim Crow laws, don't they?

10:02 - Meanwhile a game has started as the NL has men on the corners with Ryan Howard up. 2 outs in the bottom of the 8th. My weiner is alert but not tingling yet.

10:05 - Orlando Hudson steals second. A fine time to mention he was a fucking free agent this offseason, ahem, Mr. Hendry! I'm not a science major but last time I checked as far as second basemen go it's Orlando Hudson > Mike Fontenot > Teri Schiavo > Aaron Miles.

10:07 - Howard strikes out. AIDS.

10:08 - Spiriva for people who have COPD. What the fuck is COPD? Why do I need a commercial for this. If my breathing is fucked up, my doctor will prescribe something. War Criminal: Prescription drug ads. They should be banned right along with tobacco ads. Fucking waste of money. "Your Lipitor will be $117 sir. Yes I know that's a lot for a 30 day supply but did you see how great their last commercial was?"

10:10 - 9th inning has begun. K-Rod is pitching. Mariano Rivera is warming up for the bottom of the 9th. It doesn't matter that he's 52 years old. Mo will probably mow the NL down.

10:12 - The band Jet has to be happy that Budweiser commercials are helping to keep them mariginally relevant by using their one big hit.

10:13 - But we don't broadcast in a 1,000,080p? You don't really broadcast much in 1080p either DirecTV. Stop being such misleading fuckers.

10:16 - I missed the first half of the game. Did a demented Tim McCarver refer to President Obama as a negro or colored? I'm sure Stan Musial's golf cart driver did.

10:18 - Brad Hawpe looks befuddled against Rivera. Speaking of closers, put Lee Smith in the HOF already. Then we can be done arguing for a while until Hoffman and Rivera are eligible. Beyond that I don't see anyone being remotely close to consideration right now.

10:19 - Brad Hawpe might as well have left his bat in the dugout. Down to Miguel Tejada.

10:21 - Lazy pop fly ends the game. The AL wins again. Dammit all to hell. Rivera gets his 4th save in an All Star Game.

10:23 - The NL still has not won an ASG since 1996. Think about that. In 1996 the NL All Star team included Barry Larkin, Tony Gwynn, Matt Williams, Ricky Bottalico, Mark Grudzielanek (as an Expo!), and Steve Trachsel as the lone Cub representative. Yeah that should make you feel depressed.

10:26 - Ugh, why am I still drunk blogging? Carl Crawford is being presented with the ASG MVP Award to a nearly empty Busch Stadium.

10:30 - Flomax will decrease your semen.

10:31 - "The Taco Bell postgame show is sponsored by Taco Bell." -Joe Buck. That's why you get the long dollar Motherbucker!

10:32 - What's with the sad bastard symphony music? Is this the fucking Oscars?

10:34 - Eric Karros interviewing Prince Fielder. "Hey Prince, how did it feel to get that pinch hit double?" "Uh it felt good." Hardhitting shit right there that only Eric Karros can bring you.

10:37 - A new sitcom on Fox with Michael Strahan and Carl Weathers? How can that possibly fail?

10:40 - Alright folks, McCarver and Buck are signing off and so am I. Good night.

Rockies in 6!

2009 NFL Draft Drunkblog

Ah, the NFL Draft. So much speculation and drama. And hair. Lots of hair. While I won't be bringing sexy back today, I will be bringing some TMS nostalgia back in the form of a Drunkblog. Odds are I'll only do this for the first round, but only beer will tell. I'll try to remember, even after numerous drinks, that brevity is my friend. God help us all.

My drink of choice: Goose Island Summer Ale. My teams of choice: The Chicago Bears and Arizona Cardinals. Brant Brown's fetish nationality of choice: Asian.

Lots of questions remain today. Will Anquan Boldin be traded? Who will land Mark Sanchez? Will Keyshawn Johnson pontificate? Will Todd McShay and Mel Kiper get into a shirtless knife fight? Stay tuned, as I'll recap all the highlights in an increasingly inebriated state. Expect lots of doldrums and offensive tackles you've never heard of. Let the games begin.

Round 1

3:05 - The Lions select Matthew Stafford, QB. We knew this already though. This is so anti-climatic. I should just shut it off now. Stafford looks like he could potentially develop a weight problem. Will he bust? Who can say. My best guess is that his career turns out to be some sort of Rodney Peete/Chuck Long hybrid. Wrap your mind around that.

3:11 - If the Rams have any balls they'll take Sanchez. I bet they take a tackle instead.

3:15 - Yep. Jason Smith, OT goes to the Rams. Wusses. Mark Bulger is lame. As a Cardinals fan though, this pleases me. In other news, big thumbs up to the Goose Island Summer Ale. I'll have to do a beer project on this stuff.

3:33 - After the Chiefs draft someone irrelevant, the Seahags take Aaron Curry, LB. He's bawling like a baby. Probaby at the thought that he might turn out like his brother, Eddie.

3:36 - Whoa, Chris Mortensen seems drunk. Is he Drunkblogging this for ESPN.com?

3:38 - The Browns trade their pick to the Jets, who take Mark 'Dirty' Sanchez. That was a blockbuster, though not wholly unexpected. Sanchez recalls a young Broadway Joe, so this seems appropriate. Will he inherit Broadway Joe's drinking problem later in life? Time will tell, but the smart money is on 'yes'.

3:48 - Where in God's name is Todd McShay? Did Kiper bludgeon him to death with his draft guide and then stuff his corpse into the trunk of Chris Berman's Buick LeSabre? I have a feeling that only Mark Sanchez knows the answer to that.

3:50 - Ha, the Bengals of course, select Andre Smith OT. It should be noted that Smith is highly regarded as the prospect most likely to bust. Fitting that he'd go to the Bengals.

3:55 - Remember this epic Drunkblog? Lingering Bursitis sure doesn't. And this is only one part of four!

3:57 - The Raiders pull an upset and pick Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR. This guy wasn't even on Kiper's Top 5 WR. But he's really fast! They passed on Crabtree for this guy? Al Davis? Jackass.

4:22 - Michael Crabtree, WR, falls all the way to the Niners at #10. This guy looks like he'll be good, but can he dance like Jerry Rice? If not, this is a questionable pick.

4:34 - My dreams of seeing Knowshon Moreno in a Cards uniform are shattered as he's picked by the Broncos. The Broncos now own the rights to 2/3 of the league's running backs. John Elway? Buck teeth.

Heeheehee. No you say it first. No you. Please. Ok. I love you. Oh my God, you have to say it back now.

4:41 - Unrelated to this draft, the Cubs are falling apart before our eyes and my fantasy team is underachieving. Things are reaching Oakland Raider-esque ineptitude. Or as "Boom" says, "the Raaaaidaaaahs." F that guy. Lose some weight you portly SOB!

4:55 - The Chargers took Larry English, DE. This was a guy I liked for the Cardinals. Dammit all to hell. Hopefully the Cards get that Donald Brown guy. What the french happened to the Bears? Oh yeah, they got that Cutler kid. This draft is loooooooonnnngggg. My other draft party is a Tommy Buzanis boat party.

5:13 - The Eagles draft Jeremy Maclin, taking a Boldin destination off the board. Have fun catching short-armed balls from Donovan!

5:16 - Todd McShay has been relegated to the kids table with Herm Edwards and Trey Wingo. His anger is apparent, as are his frat boy good looks. Todd McShay + Kirk Herbstreit = date rape and chest bumps.

5:06 - The Broncos just picked Robert Ayers, DE. So far as we know, he's no relation to Bill. We hope to confirm this shortly.

I'm Mel Kiper Jr! I eat my steak well done! My father won't return my calls!

5:28 - The Vikings take Percy Harvin, WR and troublemaker. If he acts up, expect coach Brad Childress to give him a good mustache rub!

5:50 - Mel Kiper took a bathroom break, looked in the mirror and hated what he saw.

5:59 - The Patriots trade down for the second time. Bill Belichick is up to something, and it probably isn't legal.

6:06 - Fuck. The Colts got that Donald Brown bastard. At this point, the Cardinals should just shoot for Thurman Thomas. Interest: waning. Buzz: Moderate but unspectacular. Where is Campbell Brown when you need her?

6:08 - Back to the Cubs for a minute. Milton Bradley, A-Ram and Marmol were all officially diagnosed with AIDS. Again, where is Campbell Brown when you need her?

6:18 - Cards are on the clock. Is it Beanie Wells (a stud, but high bust potential), that stud Hawaiian LB from USC or this Everette Brown cat from FSU?

6:28 - It's Beanie Baby Wells from Ohio State. Talk about high risk, high reward. If he stays healthy, he's the best RB in the draft. First up: Getting a nickname less gay than "Beanie".

6:49 - Oh my God, Round 2 and I'm still here. Bea Arthur? Not here (on Earth that is). No joke, sometimes when I sign up for shit, I pick Bea Arthur as my Username. Bea, I think I speak for America when I say, thank you for being a friend.

7:13 - Good Lord. There is nothing really worth mentioning at this point. The Draft is too long and I'm getting tired and hungry. Time to bring in a relief pitcher, alas, I think I'm the only one left that actually writes for the site. Thus, with my last pick, I pick Bea Arthur, University of Hotness.

Drunk Blog: Golden Globe Awards

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel, Pomp Culture brings you the first Drunk Blog of 2009. It's the Pompous Hollywood Ass-Pat Parade, otherwise known as the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards. As we're on the West Coast viewing the tape delay, we will spare the timestamps and detail the proceedings with bullet points.

• And Holy Christ, we start off the red carpet hoopla with the fucking Jonas Brothers. No teens say "pompous" more than these three choads. Jonas Wonderpowers, Activate! Form of: Pompous Assholes! Apparently the middle one is diabetic. Chip Wesley is sympathetic to their cause.
• So Tiki Barber is one of the correspondents on the red carpet. Wow, what a sellout. Strip that Superbowl ring off of his finger. What? He quit right before his team won the Superbowl last year? Bad decision after bad decision for Tiki Barber.
• Miley Cyrus, is, like, totally at the Golden Globes. And to be nominated is totally overwhelming and she's totally appreciative. Someone let Billy Ray in! Tiki, tackle him! I think Billy and Miley go to the same hairdresser.
• The High School Musical kids are being interviewed. It is amazing how these young celebrities have literally nothing intellectual to say.
• Drew Barrymore? Clearly back on the drugs.
• Jeremy Piven: Pompous Dickhead of the Year. Seriously, someone just needs to beat the shit out of that guy. Even Mark Wahlberg seems reluctant to be associated with him. Does Jeremy Piven have friends? If so, I hope they fuck him over in life.
• This crew of correspondents really has no clue. "Marisa Tomei, how did you prepare for your role in The Wrestler?" "Um, I don't know, I got naked a lot?"

On to the real show...

• Everyone is having dinner and no one is paying attention to the awards. Classic. Anyway, second award of the night goes to Bruce Springsteen for his song in The Wrestler. This is the only time in my life that I've approved of something Springsteen put his name on. The moment was fleeting, and I already hate him again.
• How far has Don Cheadle fallen? They introduce him as the star of the new movie Hotel for Dogs. Not the star of the movies Crash or Hotel Rwanda. Hotel for Dogs. A kids movie. Keep your head up Don Cheadle.
• Ricky Gervais goes on stage with a pint of beer and nails it. Holocaust jokes be damned!
• Some female lead just won an award for the film Happy Go Lucky. I guess her name is Sally Hawkins. She looks like a praying mantis. Except with a dress on.
• Seth Rogan? Not very funny when he's working off the cuff. However, he announces that Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Screenplay. There is justice in the world.
• Renee Zellweger looks like a sea witch.
• It would seem as if 30 Rock is the best thing since sliced bread. I wouldn't know from experience.
• Puff Daddy has no stage presence, which would seem odd given all his "talents". He's as stiff as a board, yet thinks he's a Messiah. Go away Mr. Combs.
• David Duchovny, quit trying to pretend that you're not a pervert and a sex addict. OK, that might of been harsh. But really, it's true.
• What, Sarah Palin won Best Actress in a TV Comedy?
• Danny Boyle wins Best Director for Slumdog Millionaire. You're good goddamn right.
• Nice to see In Bruges getting some Golden Globes love.
• Mickey Rourke nabs Best Actor in a Drama. Very well deserved, and it's nice to see someone on stage that breaks the Hollywood mold a bit. Kudos for his performance and comeback.
• The night is capped off with Slumdog Millionaire taking Best Picture. Fantastic end to the proceedings, with a "fuck" thrown into the acceptance speech for good measure. If you haven't seen Slumdog yet, consider it your PC task of the week.

TMS/Pomp Culture Election Night Live Drunkblog 2008

LIVE from the newly minted TMS-Pomp Culture Election Center in beautiful Playas de Rosarito, Mexico its the much anticipated culmination of our 2008 election coverage "A gentlemanly disagreement on the future of our Republic". Why Mexico? Just in case...

I'm Governor Gray Davis and joining us tonight will be Ken "Hawk" Harrelson and Shark Jesus. We'll be with you all night, so check back for frequent updates.

The first polls close in parts of Indiana and Kentucky at 3pm Pacific, but we won't get any results for another hour because these hick backwaters can't even agree on a time to close their polls. Anything to say guys?

Hawk: Sit back, relax, and strap it down. I Luuuuuuuv America.

Shark Jesus (SJ): Nope.

3:38pm - Christ. Give these people something to talk about already. About a half hour in and I'm already tired of Chris Matthews' "brar brar I'm an Irish Catholic" schtick. Just hand this thing over to Olbermann and Maddow already.

3:57pm - How much must it pain these guys to not call certain states early? Well, we're going to get the scoop on everyone. Here is Hawk with the Kentucky call:

Hawk: Kentucky...President...8 EVs Johnny Mac

Thanks Hawk, very subdued. I've sent SJ out for beer.

4:00pm - Finally, these slackers catch up with us and give KY to McCain.

Hawk: 3 EVs for the good guys out of Vermont too.

These early results are really for assholes. Warner wins VA Senate? No shit. Water is wet too? Lester Holt will be my object of scorn tonight, at least when I'm done attacking Beet-faced Chris Matthews' ethnicity.

4:36pm - More states close with nothing to report. Weak. Shark Jesus still isn't back with the beer. I fear he's been shanked. Just remember, given the fact that we're in Mexico, its unlikely the Jews were involved this time.

5:03pm - Polls closed, but I was on the phone with la policia trying to see if anything happened to Shark Jesus. I believe Hawk has the call...

Hawk: VT, IL, NH, ME, MA, CT, NJ, DE, MD, and DC...you can put them on the boaaaard...YES...81-39 good guys

Wolf Blitzer is a real pompous ass, but until MSNBC makes the switch to HD, my election night viewing is up for grabs. The police have no reports on Shark Jesus. I fear the worst.

5:40pm - Wolfy just put Pennsylvania on the board, so we will to. 102-39. The Hundley has just called in a bomb threat to the PC Election Center.

5:42pm - Huzzah! Shark Jesus has returned safe and sound with cerveza.

5:55pm - Feels great to have some beer in me. Now we've dispatched Hawk for pizza. Probably should have killed two birds with one stone, but we don't really plan ahead here. Thats mavericky. Michael Barone on Foxnews just explained why they called PA for Obama and he looks like he just got raped. Good times. Nine Easton is talking now. Yes, THE Nina Easton...contain your enthusiasm.

6:00pm - Shark Jesus: A bunch more states just closed. You're watching this, so you know what happened. 174-49 Obama now according to the bearded wonder on CNN. I have no regard for that man. About 20 years ago, I busted out high stakes poker games throughout Northern Virginia. Wolf played. He asked for a $10,000 marker and never paid up. I was going to sick Vinny on him to kneecap him, but someone said "hey now, simmer down now Shark Jesus, you're supposed to turn the other cheek." I was drunk or I would have punched that guy in the mouth.

6:10pm - Holy shit...there is a James Carville sighting. Put the kids to bed. No one under the age of 16 shouldn't have to see that. Its indecent. He's like an alien or something. Not just an alien, but an alien with some congenital health issues.

6:35pm - I tell ya, Hawk may not know how to manage his finances but he sure can buy a pizza. I know what you're thinking. Aren't we in Mexico? Yeah. You haven't eaten until you've had pizza in Mexico. The pizza man has a big call.

Hawk: Ohio...you can put it on the boaaaarrd YES...20 EVs good guys

Shark Jesus: Thats it. I'm drinkin'.

Everyone on Fox is depressed. The ritual suicides may start any minute. Fred Barnes will be the first to gut himself with a telestrator pen - mark it. MSNBC turns to Chuck Todd so no one can see their panel celebrating. That guy has a weird eye. It looks like he has perpetual pink eye.

Some guy on CNN is gong through the scenarios. He is giving McCain states he has no prayer in. Unless McCain wins California, its time to go bowlin'.

Shark Jesus: Where the fuck do you think I went earlier? It doesn't take an hour to get beer. I went bowling.

7:04pm - There goes Iowa. We just remembered there are actual networks so we switched to Brokaw. I think he sent someone on a beer run too. That guy is drunk. They went to Ann "Double Cunt" Curry, so we're back on MSNBC now. Chris Matthews just came in his pants. Now he's gonna have to confess.

7:26pm - Shark Jesus just bit Hawk. He's bleeding. I've called the paramedics, but who knows.

In the meantime, with this election all but a certainty at this point, I've been watching some down ballot races. Elizabeth "Double Cunt" Dole lost and so did that panty waste Chris Shays. Pass the beer...

7:43pm - Hawk is dead. Shark, we have about 15 minutes until the west coast seals this thing. Why did you bite Hawk?

Shark Jesus: I got carried away. I'm excited over the "life begins at conception" measure in Colorado losing and I couldn't listen to his cliches anymore. Put it on the board? Put what on the board? Fuck you Hawk. Thats the way the cookie crumbles. Where are those hookers I ordered?

They're in the parlor. Just be back by 8. We'll have a lot to talk about.

Shark Jesus: Fine asshat.

7:56pm - Shark Jesus: Done.

That was fast.

Shark Jesus: I nut pretty damn fast. They're whores. They aren't going to enjoy it anyway so you don't have to worry about stamina.

Fascinating insight good sir.

8:00pm - Its official. Barack Obama is the new President.

8:01pm - I wish I was in Grant Park instead of Mexico. We'll pack up and go back to the states after his victory speech.

Shark Jesus: Simply amazing.

I know. The son of a Kenyan immigrant is our new President.

Shark Jesus: No, not that. I mean, thats dope and all, I'm hip. I meant I've got wood again.

Christ man.

Shark Jesus: I know, its a real problem.

8:07pm - John Lewis, a great American hero, is nearly in tears on NBC. Very touching. I wish Hawk were alive to put this one on the board. I know he's up there calling the election a can of corn...Shark - thoughts?

Shark?

Apparently Shark Jesus has returned to the whores. Way to ruin the moment dude.

8:18pm - John McCain is conceding in Arizona. At least he's magnanimous. His supporters are booing and groaning.

Shark Jesus: Well, looking at that shriveled old prune Cindy McCain will certainly keep me from getting another boner.

Thats something at least.

8:29pm - Great speech by McCain. Good move not letting Sarah Palin speak.

Shark Jesus: Dude, seriously. Its over time to drink.

I'm with you good sir.

8:42pm - Someone get a shovel. The post-election spin bullshit is getting deep. Naturally, they were all experts all along.

8:56pm - The van is loaded and ready. We'll be heading back to the states after President-elect Obama's speech. Here he is!

Shark Jesus: I'm gonna want another whore after this.

Dude, put a sock in it. We don't want to hear about this shit. The new President is about to speak.

9:17pm - Thats it. Brilliant. God I love Michelle Obama. America now has its first skeet-worthy first lady.

Shark Jesus: I agree.

I know you do. You're a sex addict. You probably would do Biden.

Shark Jesus: Well, if it wasn't for the bald spot.

At least you're honest about it.

Well, I think we're gonna wrap it up there. There are still some races of interest to Shark Jesus and I personally, but...

Shark Jesus: Yeah, thats right. I'm big time for the train prop in California.

OK. Anyway, thats election 2008. Have a good night America. YES WE CAN.

Oh, Shark - make sure Hawk's body makes it in the van.

Shark Jesus: I'm all over it.

TMS DRUNKBLOG: VP Debates

It's another wonderful evening at TMS Towers, and from behind my beautiful, artisanal reading glasses (they're specially designed to read the opinions and thoughts of the liberal elite media), everything is shaping up swimmingly.

I am a fan of the drunkblogs, and I believe we'll have some fun tonight. Sarah Palin, as the running line of subtle, sarcastic jokes this week on TMS have shown, is a bit of an idiot. Well, she's worse than an idiot. She's quite dumb, and she's not very far from the presidency should John McCain struggle with angina, footrot, glaucoma, Parkinson's, or other afflictions of the aged. In short, it's fucking scary.

But, let's put armageddon aside from one night.

The channel of choice: CNN
The beverage of choice: America's finest domestic, mass-produced beer... Budweiser
The fantasy of choice: still Campbell Brown. I'm watching her warm up right now, and it's creating enough heat in my loins that I could power California during one of their patented Skynet-aided rolling blackouts.

The scoring system tonight is simple, and one that I spent a whole 8 minutes devising.

Every time Sarah Palin cracks that liberal white man on the jaw with a flurry of wit unseen since the days of the Algonquin Round Table, I will award one DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE to the Red Woman. You know how dropped ice cream cones make you feel: inescapably sad, and just all-round depressed. Fuck, it doesn't even matter if you buy a replacement cone; the taste is gone. In short, it's the sensation we'll all wear if Moose Lady and Jowl Man run the nation.



Every time Joe Biden levels that retard with a devastating putdown or fact that she cannot even begin to retort, I will score one INCIDENT OF CANDY BEING TAKEN FROM A BABY. It's that simple, folks.



To the liveblog! Crack open another can of moonshine, light some candles around the living room, and prepare for some fireworks. Also have some razor blades and Lilith Fair compilation CDs ready in case you need to soothe yourself should Palin completely pwn the wrinkly Delaware tw*t.

Ifill is good to go, the combatants are on the stage, and CNN has all sorts of algorithms and up-to-the-second scoring methods. We're playing Palin Bingo. Hip, I know.

9.05 - Good opening by Biden. Factual, dense, impassioned. Palin goes with the wonderful storytelling approach. "Let me spin you a yarn..."

It's a load of fucking nonsense. Already I am contemplating skipping this exercise in sarcasm to build pipe bombs. Story time, followed by vague bullshit, followed by GOP pre-prepped talking points. Fucking Christ. John McCain has a big dick and a knack of supporting genius legislature, apparently.

9.08 - Biden fires a sneaky missive: the experience factor. He lists off a few achievements of his long career in Washington, which is matched by Palin, who was probably fellating truckers as a child before finding her beehive hairdo.

I'll score a CANDY/BABY INCIDENT there.

9.10 - Ifill calls them both out for completely ignoring the question and spouting off some bs about themselves and their presidential hopefuls. Biden laughs, and Palin gets first crack at the next question about sub-prime mortgages... she uses it to hit the talking points. Credit to her for at least staying strong and staying on message.

I'm giving Ifill a point for the putdown, which I'll illustrate with this guy banging a loud gong.



9.11 - Oh sweet... Biden's retort goes right to John McCain's ignorance of the mortgage problems 2 years ago while Barack was raising that question in Congress. Beastly move, Joe... have another CANDY/BABY INCIDENT for your assault on McJowl. He needs to be careful with the homespun anecdote. Biden wants tax relief and feels Obama has that move.

9.15 - Christ. Biden levels Palinbot after her assertion that Obama voted 94 times to raise taxes. Biden's response: she's dead wrong, McCain voted the same way on the specific bill she's referring to, and by her measurements, McCain voted 467 times to raise taxes. Absolutely beastly by Joe. He then calls her out for not answering the question. CANDY/BABY INCIDENT... awesome assault. Palinbot gets a chance to retort, and she apologizes for "not answering the questions the way you (Biden) or the moderator want her to, but she's gonna talk straight to the American people." Yeah... sure. She then avoids Biden's charge by talking about her time spent fighting taxes in Wasilla, and she promptly runs out of time.

This is getting uncomfortable. I NEED MORE BEER! Where is Campbell Brown? Can I get some hand relief, you brunette bombshell of the broadcasting universe?

9.19 - Ifill tosses Palin a softball giving her a chance to explain McCain's healthcare plan despite the obvious turn in the debate... however, we're not sure Palin knows what a tax credit is. She is trying though. Biden's shuffling notes.

9.20 - Biden's retort: he's all about facts. It's taking a lot of restraint for him not to openly laugh, I reckon. He's keeping it to simple business, and really trying to spell out just what McCain's healthcare plan means. That plan sounds pretty shitty.

A huge fucking closing zinger... two CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS for it: he shits on McCain's plan, spells out how it's not a good one, and says that it's the ultimate "bridge to nowhere". The crowd gasps and chuckles a bit.


By the way, can anyone tell I'm a liberal? It's true; I ride a bicycle. I like natural fibers. I drink Pabst Blue Ribbon not just because it's tasty, but because it's so expensive at the fancy dive bars around Manhattan and Brooklyn that I frequent. Yeah, please, I invite you all to make fun of me. I'm also English. There you go, my Republican friends... tell me how little I know because I'm not from here.

9.24 - Alright, Palin's getting a little traction. The question? What promises have you made to Americans that you can't keep? She hits Obama for voting for the energy plan in '05 that gave such massive tax breaks to those oil companies that Barack and friends now wish to reign in. She refers to her fight in Alaska against those oil companies. I'll give her a DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE for that. Biden is smiling... this is getting fun. I'm still feeling nauseous though.

Also, I really need to stop drunkblogging important political events. I don't have nearly enough time to type, listen, drink, and make jokes. This blogging shit is tough! Maybe I should quit the writing game and get me on Todd Palin's super-duper-awesome snowmobile vigilante force.

9.27 - Biden's comeback is good... I'm gonna hold off further scoring currently. He's not being a complete condescending dick towards her (although he came close a couple of times), but he's settling into a simple rhythm: turn her words and rhetoric against her with a flurry of facts, corrections and annotations.

Palin is floundering HARD. It's like watching a high school kid give a book report in front of class despite not reading the book. She tries to get in how hard McCain worked to get that bailout bill going, but let's be honest... she's not good at this. I feel kinda bad for her, but not so bad that I'm gonna stop making fun of her.

Biden's tone is straightforward, deliberate, and well-paced. He's a lot more experienced than her, and it's showing so much, it's difficult to watch.

CNN has some ticker at the bottom apparently measuring uncommitted Ohio voters and their immediate reactions to the debate as it happens. It looks like a heartbeat that's flatlined, but there's extra colours involved. I wonder how they're getting this data: do they have Ohioans strapped to chairs with monitors and regulators attached to them, a la Clockwork Orange?

Ohioans do their part for CNN.

9.33 - Palin's really out of her depth. A question about deregulation aimed at Biden comes to her for a retort, and she decides to go BACK to the oil/energy question from 8 minutes ago. Also, judging by her stalling, she's been reading the Palin Speech Generator.

Biden waits, and then hits with some facts about McCain, voting 20 times against funding alternative energy sources. I'll give him a CANDY/BABY INCIDENT there... devastating. Palin's all about her work for alt. energy sources in Alaska, but McCain's voting record is clearly contradictory. Ouchie.

9.37 - Palin fires hard at the left for their voting on energy policies, and Biden keeps hammering McCain's 20 no votes against alt. energy funding. A draw there.

Ifill switches up to the same-sex marriage question.

Biden says an Obama/Biden administration will take steps to giving those benefits and rights to those same-sex marriages... Palin doesn't support changing the definition of marriage as being anything other than a traditional "one man, one woman", although she believes there should be no civil rights difference. They both kinda agree! It's touching! So much love in the room, and Palin takes the olive branch. The crowd laughs, and Ifill turns to IRAQ. Look the fuck out, peoples.

Palin gives props to Petraeus... oh, wait, I think there's a talking point coming... BOOM THERE IT IS JOHN MCCAIN IS THE SHIT BUT OBAMA SUCKS BECAUSE OF VOTING NO TO EXTRA FUNDING ON THE TROOPS. It's a worn-out soundbite, but people do listen to that shit more than anything we've heard to this point. I'll give her a DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE for that... Biden is waiting.

9.42 - Biden likes numbering his responses during his allotted time. Definitely effective for the Cliffs Notes folks who will read of this carnage tomorrow. Immediately, he pulls out a move worthy of a CANDY/BABY INCIDENT -- "I don't believe I heard a plan in that answer." Yeah. The question was asking about a plan, and he segues that into the fact that Obama has a clear plan.

Palin's counter? The dems plan is a "white flag of surrender". Pretty beast line. I give a DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE there... this is getting good! Biden's licking his lips in that brain of his, waiting for a time to strike.

9.45 - FUCK WOW. Biden's comeback is truthful, and to the point: "John McCain voted against that same funding package. Let me say that again: John McCain voted against that same funding package." Fuck. Two CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS there, one for each of their kids in (or preparing to) go to Iraq.

Taking a break for a sec: I need to listen to Palin mispronounce "Nuclear" a couple more times. Plus I need a drink. Budweiser is good right now. It's making my right leg numb, and any amount of physical numbness is a good thing as it'll bring me one step closer to the total emotional numbness I need to get through this.

9.50 - Palin's run-of-the-mouth about what diplomacy is was kinda hilarious. She spouts off about Ahmedinejad, and Biden spends some time in his response correcting her that Mahmoud doesn't control any of the power in Iran, at least to the point that he could order a strike or war against another nation.

Fuck, Biden's assault on McCain's comments about Spain was fucking awesome. So awesome. Another CANDY/BABY INCIDENT right there.

Palin is all over Israel's jock, and her promise that a McCain/Palin administration will prevent a "second Holocaust". I'm just leaving that one out there. Tons more talking points from her, and I feel like she is clinging to her script so hard that it might rip to shreds at a second's notice. Biden is showing a lot more improv and a lot more of an ability to switch up his debate time to make a much more emphatic point.

9.54 - Alright, Biden is getting a little carried away. He is being so emphatic and, for lack of a better word, douche-y. He needs to reign his shit in a bit. I realize Palinbot is saying so much egregious, time-stalling shit that she must be called out on, but even so... he cannot just flat-out pwn her. It'll make him look so so so bad.

She ends on a talking point, that "change is coming". Biden's retort: "I haven't heard how McCain's policies are gonna be different from George Bush's" at which point he rattles off several examples of the point he's trying to make. Fuck. That's about 5 CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS.

SERIOUSLY Palin, stop mispronouncing "nuclear".

Palin: "we will win in Afghanistan."
Biden: "fact is, our commanding General in Afghanistan said this TODAY, that the surge principles in Iraq WILL NOT WORK IN Afghanistan."

Sure, he then says it two or three more times, sounding like a bit of a douche, but really, the gloves are off at this point. He needs to reinforce just how much bullshit Palin and McCain are talking. More facts, organized in neat bullet points and repeated for emphasis. This is really painful. Really, really painful.

He closes with Obama's reach to Republican Dick Luger upon joining Congress to forge legislation on Iraq. Palin's response: well, the General didn't really say that... she is clutching at straws.

10.02 - Next question, aimed at Biden: he's an interventionist by nature. Can the American people stomach more interventionism?

Biden's response was measured, talking about his experience and time spent in Kosovo and Chad. Palin counters with the pity-me that she's "really a Washington outsider, as I don't understand how you politicians work." She gives the line that Biden voted-yes-before-he-voted-no on war, how he backed McCain's war strategies, and more absolute bullshit. I can't fucking stand this one. How's that for editorializing? She's an awful, odious politician who is out of her depth at the moment. Voting for McCain puts her so close to the red button. Frightening, wretched thought, that.

Palin is back on Biden siding with McCain on war, and she's working back to a talking point about McCain being a war hero. Fucking christ. I really wish she'd fuck off back to Northern Exposure. Seriously.

Biden makes the point of how important this election, perhaps the most important since 1932.

Her explanation for saying-yes-then-no on things on the GOP side? Well, her and McCain are simply a "team of mavericks, what can I say?" Yeah, and yet you look at the left, and how awful and destitute they are for changing their minds on it. I really love how this language is evolving. It's simple: GOP are mavericks so they can change their minds all the way, but the Democrats aren't to be trusted if they do the exact same thing. It's so clever on the GOP's part, and I applaud them. Yet, Palin's shit-eating grin while she says it is really fucking beyond irritating.

Biden's point: the Republicans have fucked this country. Their policies have ruined things, and McCain's policies will be more of the same.

Palin counters with "doggone it" and a whole bunch of stalling. She accuses Biden of "pointing fingers backward" and how the Dems are too busy blaming people rather than getting things done. It's awful to watch. She even gives fucking shout-outs to family members! What the fuck are we seeing?!?!

I won at Palin Bingo thanks to a late mention of "special needs children". Awesome! Something is going right tonight, while the Cubs are down 5-0. Fuckity Jones.

10.17 - This is fucking awful. I'm done. She is literally saying nothing with every response. Fuck this. I'd rather have my heart broken tonight by the Chicago Cubs as opposed to the mumbling and stumbing of Sarah Palinbot, whose smiling and complete lack of substance is really a disgrace on John McCain. Really. He should have seen this coming. She is such an awful match for Biden, in that she is no match whatsoever. She doesn't belong in the executive branch. She doesn't belong anywhere other than Alaska. Really.

Biden gets in a final PWN with 10 CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS on his response to the question about Cheney's interpretation of the Vice Presidency.

Then, Palin does what she's done best throughout this debate: completely failed and avoided to answer the question posed simply to her. Question: what is your real Achilles heel as a VP candidate? Her answer: something about her struggles in Alaska, something about how awesome Todd is, and then a flurry of talking points about what America stands for and how awesome America is, and how they share being an awesome team and ticket with the only proven record of "getting things accomplished".

Really, Sarah? Really?

If I were Biden, I'd have jumped across the stage and flat-out stabbed her. Instead, he keeps his calm and ACTUALLY ANSWERS THE QUESTION. He puts his record and Barack's up against McCain. He chokes up at talking about his children and wife who died (didn't know that), and does a great job of being humanized just when he was in danger of going off the deep end in ripping her ass apart.

Palin's response? STILL NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTION. She goes off on talking points about McCain.

Biden comes back with how many times McCain voted with Bush on just about fucking anything and everything there is. I'd do the candy/baby thing here, but what's the point? We're all watching this. Biden is murdering her. In front of millions. In front of the entire world. In front of us right now at TMS Towers.

All-Star Game Liveblog

What's that you say? You want more of the world famous drunkblogs that only Thunder Matt's Saloon can bring you? Well today's your day, you lucky so-and-so! We had bartenders Brant Brown and Lingering Bursitis bust out the wine coolers for last night's extremely long and terrible All-Star Game (with a special surprise guest!). So without further ado, let's get to the action. Instead of typing each bartender's name before every comment, everything by Brant will be blue and everything by LB will be red. All times are PST.

(All entries are cut and pasted. I didn't proof or spell check anything, just so you can enjoy Brant and LB's descent into a drunken stupor.)

5:09 - I turn it on, and, commercial...

5:23 - Ah, after a bunch of pomp and circumstance, we get to the player introductions. Let's hope Utley doesn't give a "Fuck You" to the crowd again tonight.

5:30 - So they're sending old school All Stars to each position, and then announcing the players for each squad as they run out to RF, 2B, etc. This is lame and only serves to prolong the start time of the game. But I shouldn't complain, I'm on the West Coast.

5:31 - Sheryl Crow for the National Anthem? Ugh. Lance dumped her and now she's trying to nail a ballplayer huh?

5:35 - Ha, George Steinbrenner throws out the first pitch. I thought he was already dead. That man is beaten and old. I think he has a nurse with him. They seem to be driving him in something akin to an iron lung. Oh, it's a golf cart?

5:36 - Turns out Steinbrenner couldn't even get out of the golf cart. Four old Yankees threw the "first" pitch to four new Yankees. The circle of life is complete, but a little gayer.

5:39 - Alright, I'm a little late to the party due to some much-needed bourbon drinking. I hate Yankee Stadium. There, I said it. I realize that a whole lot of history has been made there, and it's all full of mystique and Babe Ruth's discarded chicken wings and shit, but let's face it, it's a celebration of bullshit. I hate the Yankees, always full of money and the shaving rule and pinstripes and overpriced free agents.... I hope we can ring in the end of tradition by seeing the NL rape the AL of its pomp and circumstance.

5:40 - You know, I agree. I am really just not in awe of Yankee Stadium. There are so many other stadiums I'd like to visit. Yankee Stadium really means nothing to me. Wrigley is my shrine.

5:44 - Please, cut the string symphonies and melancholic bullshit that is clearly angling for some sort of production Emmy or some bullshit. The emotion doesn't concern me. Let's just enjoy our overpaid athletes putting in some effort for 9 innings that really determine little. I realize that they decide who the home team is during the World Series, but does that really make a difference? Is it really that epic of a reward? I do appreciate that they put this slap-bang in the middle of the season though, as opposed to the phoned-in NFL Pro Bowl. Christ, bring futbol back already. I am dying over here.

5:46 - Fukudome and Soto round out the order. No respect!

5:48 - Underway with Handjob Ramirez. This just feels good. An All Star game that's gonna be good. As Ramirez promptly strikes out.

5:51 - I agree that it's a little disrespectful, but how often do we have two starters in the ASG? (I just know that if I bothered to look this up, I'd probably look like an idiot and it was probably like 2 years ago or something) wtf is up with Clifford Lee? Goddamn. Now let's see some fireworks from the former drug addict, Hamilton

5:52 - I fucking hate the AL with all my blood and soul.

5:58 - Ooooohhhh, big man Josh Hamilton comes up and strikes out. I know it's largely an old wives tale, but I hope the home run derby fucked up his swing.

6:01 - NICE. Soto with the solid D. Bring on El Toro.... bored of Sheets and his kooky action already. Also, this AL lineup is pretty fucking brutal. Just another reason to hate the AL. When is Bonds moving to the AL? Can it happen already?

6:04 - Pujols to A-Rod.... that'll surely be a Yankee combination in 4 or 5 years time. AL warming up another lefty? Also, I am psyched for Tropic Thunder. Looks hilarious. There goes Chipper Jones! How fucking old is he, anyway?

6:13 - Already, I'm bored. I'm five bourbons deep... how am I expected to retain interest? Simple... a Fukudome HR followed by a Soto HR would be nice.

6:16 - Alright, my internet connection is giving me problems, so it appears like I'm behind you significantly here on the commentary. Seriously though, I am pretty fucking jaded about the ASG. Never really lives up to the lah-dee-dah that we all expect. Sheets looks decent enough, although Manny did get great contact on a couple of pitches. Also, I am still amazed in the transformation of Milton Bradley. Look at him go! Steals and hits and OBP! I guess all he needed was a change of scenery and a move to a team that is more volatile that him, while also making their home in a wonderfully hitter-friendly park.

6:19 - Pedroia looks like a young boy that's dying to be molested.

6:21 - He totally does. He has been molesting pitching since mid-june HEYOOOOOOOO

6:24 - omg the booth just got a little more senile and demented. Yogi fucking Berra! Great guy, and hilarious. I long to ghostwrite and/or edit a book by him someday. His garbled nonsense will fit in well with our avant-garde/experimental imprint.

6:25 - Fukudome, flailing at pitches. God bless his soul, but he needs to start hitting a little more. Weakly grounds out. Soto time!

6:28 - Apparently Sheryl Crow is there for breast cancer. Why would she be rooting for breast cancer??? That makes no sense.

6:29 - Good Christ we can't get anything together on offense. Time for Chaz!

6:32 - I predict I will make it to the 6th inning before changing the channel or falling asleep. Why, Brant, do we put ourselves through this mess? Are we doing this for humanity? Are we devoted and dedicated to the causes of cultural advancement? Are we deranged? Are we sadists OH SHIT HERE COMES ZAMBRANO NOW I SUDDENLY GIVE A FUCK GODDAMN IT A BASEHIT ALREADY OFF Z FUCK FUCK HOLY FUCK FUCK

6:36 - DOUBLE PLAY FUCK YOU IN YOUR SMUG ALL-AMERICAN ASS SANDERSON JETER yeah, i know I'm gonna need to be edited down. Joe Buck: he loves sensitivity. Nice destructive rundown of Hamilton's drug problems. Josh might as well have been living in the gutter, what with all the heroin and deprativty he lived in. Then he grounded out, and we awkwardly segue into the commercial! Also, fuck DirecTV's advertising. Taking bits of movies and injecting their HD bullshit rhetoric into them. Lame.

6:40 - hey i forgot we were at Yankee Stadium. Now here comes Halladay.. he made some wonderful comments about how pissed he was at Toronto being terrible. The guy just knows how to play media management. Meanwhile, Ervin Santana warms up. He was a piece of shit last season, and now he's suddenly rediscovered how to pitch. Much better redemption story that Hamilton's, in my opinion. Ervin was sent down to AAA, for chrissakes! That is far worse than being destitute and hooked on heroin, coke and painkillers. Then Ichiro nails the sluggish slugger, Pujols, who was busy meandering his way to second base and was thrown out. Jeter makes a nice play, and a whole generation of Staten Island Italian princesses wet their cotton undergarments. I hate Derek Jeter.

6:44 - Zambrano making A-Rod look like Madonna's boyfriend.

6:45 - Zambrano's making some sweet pitches. Manny enjoyed that ridiculous breaking pitch

6:47 - Joe Buck is giving shout-outs to his fucking kids right now. Be professional man!

6:48 - Handjob Ramirez with an error. Thanks dickhead. Hard to play when there are actually people in the stands, huh?

6:50 - Nice steal by Bradl-oh wait.... Zam-Zam catches him napping. With a bit of luck, this game will be over by 10.30, which is good as I have shit to do (aka drinking)

6:55 - bye bye Manny. That HAS to be contractual or part of Francona's scheming to let Manny snooze through 4 innings. This Santana is much better than theother, more famous, Santana. OMG EAT IT ERVIN JUST AS I WRITE THAT. Holliday goes deep to right, and I am excited that I picked 1-0 NL in our score prediction pool.

6:56 - man, this sucks with skittish internet and a bladder full of bourbon. I am trying my best though... i have 2 more innings in me

6:57 - You need to see this through. I have a woman to answer to. You do not.

6:57 - Um, I'll say it. Fukudome looks retarded at the plate.

7:00 - Our Cubs are 0-4 with some strikeouts! Excellent! I think both those rookies need to calm down, although I bet they both get pulled shortly

7:01 - Ha, Fukudome and Soto are pulled. Fine by me. I want the win.

7:03 - McLouth is in, and Soto shall ride the pine from now on. Haren looks like a mongoloid

7:05 - Not a fan of the AL running. Aren't they supposed to be the DH league that just sits back and waits for homeruns? Pedroia walks as his father licks his lips.

7:06 - Why are Bud Selig and Sheryl Crow promoting cancer!?!?!?!?!?!?!

7:11 - Sweet, Haren works out of a jam. Heading into the sixth, 1-0 NL.

7:21 - wow, i just came back from taking a shit and nothing has changed!

7:31 - christ almighty, i think the lord has forsaken us with this turgid dick of a game

7:32 - I beg to differ. This game is great, I'm just preoccupied with people knocking on the door and commiserating in my living room.

7:36 - Brant, we're clearly seeing the game through different lenses. You, ever the entertainer, are playing good host to some friends, while I am drunk and alone in my living room. I need action, goddamnit. You know how you can never watch a foreign film when you're drunk? It makes sense -- you're clearly too intoxicated to appreciate the nuance. Thus, you turn it off and watch monster trucks or girls with big tits jumping up and down instead. (is there such a video in existence that combines the two? If so, please send it to TMS HQ immediately). This game, to me, is like a foreign film right now. Sure, there is subtlety and good play and competent performance on both teams, but I'm too blitzed to care. I wish a dinosaur could parachute in and devour the entire AL outfield, only for Milton Bradley to strap on a Rambo headband and start knifing at the scaled beast's achilles.

7:44 - Seventh inning cock grab brought to you by Josh Groban.

7:50 - i am so glad i am not watching that abortion. My roommate commandeered the television briefly for some GTA IV... I will be jumping back in shortly. Plus I needed to pour another drink.

7:58 - I'm officially done. 2-2 tie and poker calls. Good night and god bless.


With word that both of our livebloggers were down for the count, Steve Finley Was Here correspondent E-Claire and I came home to find the game still going. E-Claire fired up the ol' laptop and took over sometime in extras. I sat next to her and yelled at the TV a lot.


9:12 – The top of the 11th just ended. A lead-off single by Adrian Gonzalez was wasted. Joe Buck just suggested having a dance-off if they run out of pitchers. Shut up, Joe Buck.

9:13 – Bottom of the 11th. Kinsler with a lead-off single. Daft Funk just said “If Aaron Cook loses this game, for the rest of his career, I will refer to him as ‘Aaron Cock.’ And he’s sober, too…

9:15 – Pickoff attempt at 1B. Now Kinsler just caught stealing. BULLSHIT! He wasn’t even tagged! This game is rigged. Brandon Webb is warming up. Rays catcher walks. What the hell is his name? Dioner Navarro. That’s it. Sorry. I really have to pee, and it’s affecting my memory. Can a full bladder do that? Don’t judge me.

9:17 – Flashback to the 2006 All-Star game and Hoffman screwing up. That sounds familiar.

9:19 PST- Base hit Michael Young! Navarro thrown out at home. Daft and I discuss whether he’s safe. We’re not sure. Kevin Youkilis is making an odd face in the dugout. Jeter is smiling and laughing – probably because no one’s making Madonna jokes about him. We’re going to the 12th, people. If this ends in a tie, I will throw my television out the window. No, I won’t. Then Daft and I would have to spend our evenings “talking.”

9:23 – Viagra commercial airing. Just thought you’d like to know. God dammit, I really have to go to the bathroom!

9:24 – Top of the 12th. Soria in for another inning. Ludwick is up. He walks. They’re playing “Walk this Way.” That’s so clever!

9:25 – Tejada is up. The intentional walk is his present for his 52nd birthday. We’ve just learned this is the longest All-Star game in history. Of course they play the longest game when I have to pee.

9:28 – Uggla is up. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to bring his glove to the plate. Uggla strikes out. Wow – he has been terrible tonight. Least valuable player for him. Here comes George Sherrill. I am going to pee while he warms up.

9:32 – Ok. Much better! Bases are loaded…2 outs. 0-2 to Adrian Gonzalez. Struck him out!

9:35 – Bottom of the 12th. Leadoff double by Guillen. Sizemore is up. Daft Funk predicts a popup. I predict the game winning hit. Neither of us is right. Sizemore is out at first, but Uggla looks shitty again. Why do they keep showing shots of Youkilis? They just showed a shot of first base to prove to us that it’s empty. Thanks for that. Kinsler is the 3rd out. We go to 13. Bug Selig looks really worried. No tie!!!

9:43 – Another Viagra commercial? I really feel like I should make a joke here. But I’ve got nothing. Now there’s a “Just For Men” commercial. Are they assuming the only people who watch the All-Star game are 50 year old men?

9:46 – Wright is up. Sherrill pitching. Did I spell his name right? I don’t fucking care. Marmol is warming up. Oh boy. It looks like the NL has him, Webb, and Lidge left. The AL only has Kazmir, and they don’t want to use him.

9:54 – Marmol is in. Hmmm. Navarro up. Uggla actually catches the ball. One out.

9:57 - Nancy Drew is up. Full count. Uggla fucks up again. His 3 errors are the most by any one player in an All-Star game. Good job, buddy! Daft is swearing at Marmol. I wonder if he knows Marmol can’t hear him. Nancy steals 2nd. Russell Martin swears. Swearing during All-Star activities is the new black (although Chase Utley’s swearing was much funnier).

10:01 – Quentin up. White Sock vs. Cub. Marmol strikes him out!!!! We’re going to the 14th.

10:04 – Sherrill going for another inning. McLouth narrowly misses a home run. The AL only has Scott Kazmir left to pitch. This tie thing is beginning to look like it could happen. No tie! I did not sit through 14 innings for this to end in a fucking tie! Decide the game by rock, paper, scissors. I don’t care. But no tie! Martin almost hits it out. Nancy catches it. Martin swears some more.

10:07 – Daft calls a homer by Tejada. Instead, he hits a ground ball to end the inning. Bottom of the 14th coming up.

10:09 - Bottom of the 14th. Webb is in. The NL is down to Brad Lidge. Tejada makes a good catch. By the way, he’s now 63 years old. Does anyone else think Webb kind of looks like a chipmunk? This shit had better not end in a tie. Longoria strikes out. To the 15th we go.

10:16 – They just showed a funny commercial featuring Bob Melvin for Taco Bell on the West Coast. Apparently, he loves the Frutista Freeze. I personally like the 7-layer burrito.

10:18 – Dan “I heart errors” Uggla is up. The AL is using its last pitcher, Mr. Scott Kazmir, who apparently threw 104 pitches on Sunday. Uggla strikes out. He is useless. God dammit. This shit is going to end in a tie, isn’t it? Francona and Jeter are chuckling in the dugout. Perhaps they’re saying something like “Let’s leave Kazmir in for 3 innings and ruin things for the Rays. Muahahaha.” Wright is out. Bottom of the 15th.

10:23 – Are they really going to put Kazmir in for another inning if the AL can’t win it? On the one hand, home field in the World Series is at stake. On the other, you don’t want Kazmir to risk injury in an exhibition game. I don’t want this to end in a tie, but I don’t want Kazmir to get hurt. Quite the quandary…

10:27 – The last NL pitcher – Brad Lidge – is in the game. He gives up a base hit to fake home run champ Justin Morneau. Ludwick makes a diving catch to rob Ian Kinsler of a base hit. Youkilis is drinking a sugar-free Red Bull. Product placement? Navarro is up now. Base hit! Fake home run champ to 2nd. Nancy Drew is up. I have a leg cramp. Just thought you’d like to know.

10:33 – Nancy walks. Michael Young is up. He pops up. Morneau tags up at third. He’s going home….SAFE! Game over! No tie! You’re a lucky bastard, Mr. Selig. Morneau may not have been last night’s star, but he’s the game-winning run tonight. Nancy Drew is the MVP. He gets booed, of course.


But wait...there's more! Lingering Bursitis comes to in the morning and shares his Jerry Springer-like final thoughts:

Christ, where did I leave off? Last time I was lucid enough to write emails, I was still seeing light trails emanating off the sides of the television. Let's face it; while this may be a beautiful game for the purists, it's a huge inconvenience for the audience that it's really trying to attract: those loathsome part-time observers scattered across the east coast and through the midwest, all of whom have to be sane enough to get to work at 8am. The college students and retirees don't care, and for the people in the middle, it's a tough one to watch.

At this point, I must deviate from the topic as my roommate has commandeered the television to play GTA IV. I was in the bathroom for about 8 minutes, during which time he'd managed to load up his game and begin the first of several missions he'd eventually complete before going to bed. I cannot say I'm too upset, as the first 7 innings of this contest did inspire lusty thoughts of homicide and running over hapless pedestrians in various stolen and abused cars.

Henceforth, I'll watch him for a bit, attempting to change back to the ASG periodically. I feel that deep down, if we're all honest, we could agree that this might be a more worthwhile endeavour.

I know enough about what's going on to make the following judgments:
- you just know some saves are going to be blown.
- you know someone's going to make a truckload of errors.
- by the time this game is done, there will be more runners stranded than there are on the Ironman course once night falls.


How can I guess these things? It's simple; they happen during every ASG. It's almost a rite of passage.


11pm, roughly:
Alright, my roommate is well into the atrocities of GTA IV. He's been shotgunning passers-by to death while also waging a neat war with grenades. His pattern is simple: find a busy intersection, park in the middle of it, wait until several cars show up, drop a grenade between the mass of vehicles, then speed away. It is fun to watch, and I dare say it could be quite the warfare tactic to combat these IED-devisin' fockers in the Middle East.

He just shot a woman in the face. He laughs hysterically while doing so, and now, despite the haze of bourbon clouding my thought, I am worried for him, for I fear he could end up on the front page of the NY Post one day for doing exactly that. Instead of gently intervening in his maelstrom of mayhem, I simply pour another drink.

Confrontation is difficult.

12am, roughly:
The last hour has been a haze. I reckon Brant's probably won several hands of poker by this point. I saw enough of the game to see a sac fly, then some errors by Dan Uggla. I am almost finished with this bottle of Knob Creek, and thus, I begin the alcoholic's dilemma, unwittingly.

The Dilemma is simple: once you've reached a certain point in your imbibings, you have to plan ahead to tomorrow. Finishing a bottle of bourbon would be great right about now. You're quite intoxicated, and the final two glasses of the sweet stuff will put you in a headspace of pure joy! However, that leaves you with absolutely nothing with which to wake up the following morning. That Hair of the Dog is so vital to the alcoholic, and yet increasing your drunkenness in the present leaves you fucked in the immediate future.

Hence, the Alcoholic's Dilemma.

Also, it bears pointing out that I am conjuring the latter part of this liveblog from my scrawled notes from last night, as I made the wise decision to stop drinking with my laptop right in front of me. A spillage would have been catastrophic, really.

1am or so:
Dan Uggla is an all-star? He makes more errors than the copy desk at the NY Daily News. Really. That paper is terrible. I am amazed that Hurdle hasn't found some utility wench on the bench so he can remove Dapper Dan from the carnage. His night has been awful: 0-4, 3 K, 6 LOB, 3 errors. Those Marlins.... really going places.

I imagine that since Manny was removed after the 4th inning, he is surely fast asleep in the dugout, or probably visiting friends in Washington Heights by now. It's not that far away; I live just over the bridge from Yankee Stadium on the south side, nestled in the comfy confines of Harlem. I live right by the Metro-North rail stop and next to the subway to Yankee Stadium on the other side, which means that every time there's a home game, all the Connecticunts roll off one train in their Yankee polo shirts and past my front door to get to the subway. I fucking hate 'em. People from Connecticut should not be allowed to support baseball. Hey, CT? You don't have a MLB franchise so deal with it. Please, stay up in Stamford or New Haven with your hybrid BMW people-carriers and leave me in peace!

My roommate is still playing GTA IV. He has foregone the concept of completing structures missions in favour of vague, indiscriminate violence all over the video game city. He is currently mowing down pedestrians with a machine gun as he speeds down various streets in the game's equivalent of Manhattan. I cannot deny that this is entertaining, as it's absolutely fucking great at this point. I am drunk (but with bourbon saved for the morning! Dilemma complete for one night at least), and watching the ragdoll bodies of people flying unrealistically and serenely through the air is hilarious. .

He has since switched to a Hummer-esque beast, and is currently trapping people underneath the front wheels until they are dead. There's an admirable quality to my roommate's quick thinking in switching from one form of violence to another so quickly. He is also a drummer, so I conclude in my head that his improvisation is due to years of musical training. Who knew that it would translate so well to a video game?

2am:

the game is finally over! Uggla can crawl back to Miami where no-one will ever see him play. I'm listening to the new Beck album while polishing off the last of my bourbon (fuck you, willpower. The dilemma has shifted to the other extreme, and tomorrow morning is going to hurt), and it's good. Beck's production value keeps going up and up. Good for him. Now the new Hot Chip album is playing. I love the Winamp shuffle feature. Hot Chip are the shit. I DJ from time to time, and their beats are so rigidly consistent that it makes dancing physiologically impossible to resist. That's what you need when you're dancing, or trying to inspire others to dance: a solid fucking rhythm. Without that, you're fucked. Time signature changes or sudden dynamic changes will spoil a party faster than a guest appearance by Carrot Top.

The sacrifice fly is a shitty way to end a game. It's not exciting. Feet vs. throwing arm! Who will prevail? The guy running from third, or the guy in the outfield who slings his entire body into the throw? 99.9999999% of the time, the guy running is going to win that race, unless it's Vlad making the throw and it's David Ortiz trying to tag up. Otherwise, you should just call it a run. Save us the pretend drama of the race to the plate. Most outfielders have good range, but when you're 300 feet away and the guy on third base is running 90 feet, it's already an uphill battle for the guy back at the warning track. It becomes even harder when they're backing up to make the catch, or making it on the run and heading in any direction other than directly forward. Where are they gonna get the momentum to throw from? That wastes precious seconds, making the throw even less likely to catch the guy out at home. And then you have to throw it accurately! And you get the ignominy of watching that guy score the winning run while everyone in the stadium watches your feeble throw drift off towards third base on its way to the diamond. Sad, really.

At least I can finally go to bed now. My roommate has put his psychopathic activities on hold until tomorrow, and I think I'll fall asleep on the couch listening to the turgid post-game interviews.

9am:

I am at work. I wish I was dead. Fuck you, bourbon. I hope you all realize that I'm dying for your blogging sins.

Harden: Start 1

Rich Harden mania is still going strong here at the Saloon, and it officially kicks off today in about an hour. Just like The Dark Knight, it seems like there is a massive amount off hype and expectation, but there's also the promise that that expectation could possibly be fulfilled. So I'm here to liveblog and give you my thoughts on the game as it goes by. So get that refresh button ready, because it's going to be a wild one.

9:13 - Speaking of The Dark Knight, I'm going to go ahead and go on record here and predict that next weekend, The Dark Knight will break Spiderman 3's record of biggest opening weekend ever and come in at about $175 million. People are crazy about this movie and no matter what time movie theatres are showing this film (6 AM? 3 AM?!?), it still seems to be selling out. Take into account that it's got a huuuge IMAX rollout and that IMAX tickets cost more, and you've got a recepie for $175 million. Mark it down, dude.

9:16 - Speaking of movies, the red band trailer for the upcoming movie Choke was released today. Choke was written by Chuck Pahlaniuk (Fight Club) and was a really entertaining and darkly funny book. Check out the trailer here and laugh your ass off a bit. But don't do it at work or in front of your mom because there's swearing and boobs. You're welcome.

9:19 - I hate John Shea over at ESPN.com. Did anyone else see the shit he wrote this morning? "Can The Cubs Keep Rich Harden Healthy?" Who the fuck knows??!??!? Why do people ask that??? That's like asking "What Color Underwear Does God Wear?" What pisses me off most is that they put it on the front page.

9:24 - A few notes. First off. my laptop's keys have an annoying habit of double-typing when I press a key. I try to catch them all, but if you see something like "Wow, that hhomerun by Lee waas a moon shot!" then I'm sorry. Also, since I'm stuck in California and the game isn't on WGN today, I'll be watching on MLB.tv which can sometimes be spotty. So hopefully the broadcast comes through clean or this could be a very short journey, not unlike any sexual encounter with Chaim.

9:27 - Gotta get dressed. Here's some things to ponder while I'm gone: Let's say your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife threatens to leave you a bunch of times. When it finally happens, you're heartbroken, but you knew it was coming. It really hurts and it takes you a while, but you get yourself back together and find someone new that you really like. Then a few months later, your ex comes back into the picture and DEMANDS that you take him/her back, even though he/she knows that you've moved on and have someone new in your life. That sounds crazy and idiotic, right? Welcome to Favre-ville, population: 1. Brett, I don't care if you want to come back or that you changed your mind. That's fine. But the manner in which you go about whoring yourself for attention makes me want to vomit in your helmet.

9:39 - I've got nothing interesting to say. Wow...we've already hit a wall. This is what I get for starting this thing too early.

9:41 - Wow, check out the picture of Rich Harden on Cubs.com:

The bad news? He looks like a serial killer. The good news? The stubbble. It's well documented that Rich pitches better when he has facial hair. Also, Rich is 2-0 with a 0.84 ERA against the Giants in 4 career starts. Sweet.

9:50 - 15 minutes...

9:52 - You know what's not bad? Windows Vista. I know a lot of people have had a lot of problems with it, but as a casual, everyday computer user who doesn't do much gaming, I've never had a problem with it. I'm sure it's wreaked havoc on workplaces and such, but I can't complain. I wouldn't say that it leaves XP in the dust because it's basically the same OS but a little prettier, but I think it gets a really bad rap.

9:55 - The problem with me having to watch today's game on MLB.tv? There's a chance that I may have to watch the game listening to the Giants' announcers. While I hear they're pretty good, I'd rather listen to the home guys for such a big start.

9:57 - I've never liveblogged before. To get more into the mood, I've stepped up my level of smugness 3x and I'm going to keep name dropping people none of you have ever met before and reference stupid 90's pop culture whenever I can just so show that I've always been this awesome. Good...now I feel like Bill Simmons.

10:00 - And heeeeeere we go!

10:01 - Yes! I get the Chicago broadcast!

10:02 - Bob Brenley has got the slicked back hair going as usual, but it looks like he's letting the back grow into a mullet. Does anyone else think that this will be a terrible idea?

10:03 - One of the best things about MLB.tv? Whenever the local broadcast cuts to commercial, it does this thing where MLB players are shown in a montage and say things like "This is Veector Marteeenez. Keep watcching MLB.teeee-veeee." The best part is now I know which baseball players have no personality. The worst? Aaron Harang. He might as well be holding the cue card in his hands. "This...is...Aaron...Harang."

10:07 - I don't care how many years it's been going on for. Flyovers by fighter jets during the National Anthem will ALWAYS be cool.

10:08 - The Giants' leadoff guy is hitting .202. Please god, we need to crush them today.

10:09 - 2 pitches, 1 out. I like it so far. Then again, that's what you expect from a guy with a .234 OBP.

10:10 - 96 MPH on the punchout. That's what almost a week of rest can do for a guy.

10:13 - So far, so good. I think an easy, low pitch count first inning is just what thee doctor ordered. Here's a question I have. Say Harden is throwing a no-hitter in the 7th or 8th inning and his pitch count is getting up toward 100. Does Lou take him out? I say yes. Sure, a no hitter by the new acquisition in his first home start would make the folks in Milwaukee poo their pants, but you've gotta play for the rest of the season, not an individual game.

10:15 - Kevin Cojjjorjrjejjia? Who the hell are you? The guy that gives up hits to Theriot, that's who.

10:16 - Ha ha ha! Castillo dives to try and catch a pop up bunt, misses, touches the ball in the process, making it a fair ball, insults his manager's mother, lands on a puppy, all on one play. Lee with the almost-3 run jack.

10:18 - Ramirez said after yesterday's game "I would have walked Lee yesterday too." When you knock a homer out right after, you can say stuff like that in the postgame interview. It sounds innocent, but that's kind of a dig on the Giants' manager. Either way, Aramis seems really locked in right now, which is very good news. I said before the season that A-Ram will be an MVP candidate by the end of the season and I stand by that thought.

10:21 - Bob just made a "Not" joke. Immediately after, a dove flew into the window of the living room and died. It looked like the bird did it on purpose.

10:23 - Gay.

10:24 - Aaron Rowandd can't hit the Cubs thiss year, but has good numbers against Harden lifetime. Is it the case of the immovable object against the unstoppable force? Well only if the "Immovable Object" is Jim Edmonds in center. He should have caught that one and he knows it. I think he misplayed that one just to piss Chaim off.

10:26 - Consecutive high fastballs at 95 and 94. Harden seems to be able to ratchet his fastball up when he needs a strikeout. Excellent news to know. Also, I just belched loud enough to echo. Anyone who's ever done this knows how good you feel when that happens.

10:28 - Harden = Smart. The last few guys with 2 strike counts have gotten fastballs at 94-95. Harden tries the same thing on Aurillia, who fouls one off. So what do you do when the guy at the plate is looking for a 95 MPH fastball? Throw it inside at only 91 MPH and watch him get WAY out in front of it. Giants waste a leadoff double after a Vizquel popup.

10:30 - Omar Vizquel? Ray Durham? Rich Aurillia? We'd all better watch out because these Giants could be real contenders for the 1999 World Series.

10:32 - They just showed a lady in the stands wearing a Cubs hat and a Jim Edmonds Cardinals shirt. Her idiocy is just enough to distract Edmonds and cause him to strike out looking. Either that or Edmonds isn't very good.

10:33 - Heads up baserunning by DeRosa turns a double into a triple. I'll be the first to admit that I HATED the DeRosa signing when it happened, mostly because I thought it would take time away from Theriot at 2nd. I was way wrong. DeRosa is a player that I would wear a jersey of years after he's gone.

10:35 - What kind of futuristic, year 3000 backwards world do we live in where Mike Fontenot is making huge RBI clutch hits and bombing the ball out of the park? RBI for Fontenot.

10:40 - The Yankees hit a solo homer in their half of the 1st. The Blue jays come back with 4 in the bottom of the 1st. I love watching the Yankees eat shit this season. Interesting fact: Rich Harden is 34-2 lifetime when his team scores 3 runs or more. I think he'll fit in just fine with the Cubs.

10:42 - HA HA HA HA!!!! The Packers told Brett Favre that he can come back next year...as a BACKUP TO AARON RODGERS!!! How do you like that clipboard, Brett? God damn, I'm starting to respect the Packers' front office. They've got some serious stones.

10:50 - What I'm most impressed with is how collected Harden is how collected he seems to be. I noticed it in his start last weekend against the White Sox too. Everything just seems really easy for him. He really seems to be in control of this game. And the fact that he's been able to get the strikeout whenever he's needed it has been an extremely encouraging sign.

10:52 - Aramis, Fontenot, DeRosa. I'm predicting at least two of these players hit a home run today.

10:54 - Lee popped out, but he seems to be doing better lately. It's good to see Lee, Ramirez and Soto coming around. They all seemed to be slumping around the same time. Luckily we had Jim Edmonds to bail us out offensively while that was going on. Wait, did I just write that? Shoot me.

10:57 - Len and Bob just said hello to all the US armed forces people in Italy. When did we go to war with Italy? I didn't even know they had oil there!

11:00 - Edmonds donkeypunch. I feel conflicted...do I hate him or accept him?

11:04 - Kevin Correjjejjia has a pitch count in the 60's already. The Giants bullpen is awful. Both of these things are excellent. Harden strikes out. That's ok. I expected him to. After all, it's a baseball, not a hockey puck, so how could he possibly make contact?

11:08 - Remember how I was talking about the Giants going for the 1999 World Series? They'll probably go up against the Yankees. Apparently the Yanks are on the verge of signing (wait for it...) Eric Milton. Make your own joke.

11:13 - Harden = Dealing. Hopefully this trad turns into a win/win for the Cubs and A's like thee Hamilton for Volquez trade this offseason and not the Lou Brock trade. yes, I just compared Matt Murton to Lou Brock. Surprised. Anyway, Harden strikes out the side and hits 98 on the radar gun. Surprisingly, his arm does not fly off of his body.

11:16 - Koske almost slammed his bat down after a popup. I think he needs to get pissed. Maybe that will get him going. He should hang out with Zambrano more. THAT is a reality show I would watch.

11:18 - Derrek Lee is from Sacramento? Straight up gangster. Thug life and such.

11:22 - Edmonds with another big 2-out hit. How many times can this keep happening. I don't think we're going to see Correjjejeia next inning, as much as I would like to.

11:23 - Never mind. He's coming out now.

11:24 - Excellent question brought up by Len and Bob. Who is the MVP of the Cubs so far this season? They really have spread the MVP-ness overall, with certain guys stepping up when needed. I'm going to go ahead and say Soto just because of what he's done behind the dish as well as with the bat. But it's gonna be Ramirez by the end of the season.

11:25 - DeRosa knocks in Edmonds for a 7-0 lead. Len and Bob agree with my pick of Soto for the MVP of the first half. Also in consideration that I didn't think of initially? Dempster.

11:27 - More Rich Harden goodness:

11:29 - I didn't realize till just now, but with the Rays' slide, the Cubs now have the best record in baseball again. Usually I don't pay attention to such things, but homefield is going to be extremely important if the Cubs want to make a deep playoff run. I think the Cubs can pick it up in the second half and get to .500 on the road for the year, but we all know that they play much better at Wrigley.

11:36 - The Yankees have now taken a 9-4 lead. Damn...I am bad luck when it comes to predictions and such. Remember when I said lastt year's Texans would go 0-16? I suck.

11:40 - Harden's line through 5: 4 hits, 2 walks, 9 K's, 79 pitches. I'll take that.

11:42 - Harden wears a Barry Bonds sized elbow pad. Our pitching staff is a pretty crazy bunch. Zambrano is a switch hitter, Harden throws righty but bats lefty, Kerry Wood's knocked a few out of the park in his day. If only Dempster could bunt for hits...

11:47 - Some kid got hit by a pitch off the bat of the dangerous Ted Lilly in his first Cubs game ever (The kid, not Lilly, dumbass). The good news is that, despite a fractured skull, the kid is gonna live. And Lilly and his wife are going to come visit him in the hospital.

11:52 - Harden seems to be losing some gas. I think this will be his last inning.

11:54 - Lou leaves Harden in. I predict a strikeout and a double play.

11:55 - Bob and Len are talking about how Bowker has unusually short arms. I think it's really creepy that they knows that.

11:57 - Harden's final line - 5 1/3 innings, 5 hits, 3 walks, 10 K's, 96 pitches. I would have liked to see him go a full 6 at least, but we'll take it. Gaudin (Gaw-din? Go-dan?) is in to continue the "new guys" theme. Hopefully this goes better than his last appearance. Also, his nickname is Wolverine. Apparently his locker has a wolverine pelt nailed up over his locker. What are the odds that he and Reed Johnson become best buddies?

12:01 - The first Len and Bob reference to the movie Red Dawn. I was wondering when that was coming.

12:05 - Sure, we have a few innings to go, but the fact that the wind is blowing out and there's been only 1 homer is curious. Lee gets a single when John Bowker's freakishly short arms can't handle a lineout.

12:09 - Ahhh...the double switch. It's even better when the Giants do it because they replace 2 players I don't know with 2 other players I don't know.

12:13 - Len lets us all know that Harden didn't allow a runner past 2nd base. So there you go folks, Rich Harden, despite having a provocative name, is not a slut. He may let you get to second base in his first start, but third base? No thank you, sir.

12:15 - DeRosa nearly homers. Again, my predictions suck. Also, I'm terrible with scratch and win Lotto tickets, I suck at playing cards, and interestingly enough, one of my ears is about a quarter inch lower than the other.

12:18 - Bronson Arrojo...get a haircut, hippie.

12:21 - Dick Butkis is going to sing the stretch. This could either be really great or absolutely awful.

12:22 - Well MLB.tv is not letting me see the stretch. And Harden's day is over and this game is pretty much in hand. I won't subject you to any more of my random thoughts, so I'll be signing off now. Gotta go get some lunch up in this bitch. In closing, Harden = great, Favre = HA HA HA!, and my ability to predict anything = suck.

This is the weakest ending ever. I don't care. Rockies in 6.

Update by Chaim: Thanks in part to Funk's lazy blogging and Marmol's horrible pitching, the Giants were able to tie the game 7-7 in the the ninth. I take a short power nap, wake up and all hell has broken loose. Thankfully, the "other Sean" stepped up big time, pitching 2 scoreless innings of relief in extras and starting the game-winning rally with a base knock. The Pride of Riverside, Reed Johnson then singles in DeRosa (on a close play at the plate), and the Cubs win 8-7, salvaging the game. Man, Marmol really sucks lately.