American Idol Update: Week 5

Country week always leads to a night of unparalleled trainwrecks on Idol. If they had had "Sing Irish Folk Music After Drinking Half a Bottle of Jamesons Night" in honor of St. Patrick's Day, tonight couldn't have been any worse from a musical standpoint. Then again, if not for the awful spectacle of it all, would there be any reason to watch?

Not surprisingly, no one was particularly good tonight. Even the sagely advice of Randy "Frankenstein" Travis couldn't guide this island of misfit toys to country stardom, or even country competence. Anoop Desai was probably the best with his mind numbingly slow rendition of Always on My Mind. Lil Rounds and Alison Iraheta, two of the more talented singers on the program, probably showed enough to survive but it was painfully obvious that they were out of their element.

You would think when everyone is bad it would be hard to pick the worst, but Megan and Adam took care of that. Megan did a half-talking off key version of Walking After Midnight. If this were the gong show, she would have been gonged off the stage, but since its Idol, the judges gushed over her and praised her for her bravery for singing with the flu. Flu or not, she was so bad again I remain convinced she is tanking so she can go home. Adam also butchered a country classic, Ring of Fire, but did it in a unique way. Imagine karaoke night at a Tehran gay bar in the 70s and you might come close. Its mostly a blur now, but there was a lot of shrieking and sitar music.

If you're voting for the best, go with Anoop. If you're voting for the worst, stick with Megan. Adam will get through anyway since the girls love him, even though based on the pictures What Would Tyler Durden Do? dug up, its clear he doesn't love them back. GOVERNOR X OUT.

American Idol Update: Week 4

Last week I promised the American Idol Update would be shorter to please the focus groups, which continue to tell me these posts are as popular as a double feature of Norbit and Meet Dave. Even though Idol unexpectedly continues to drone on for two hours, I will keep my word bringing only the highlights and lowlights to you, the dear reader and Idol Addict.

It was Michael Jackson week which promised to provide lots of awful performances and it certainly didn't disappoint. Out of thirteen contestants, I absolutely loathed ten, tolerated one, and liked two. The two good ones were Jasmine who did I'll Be There and Alexis who sang Dirty Diana. Naturally, the judges were lukewarm at best to both performances. They don't like Jasmine at all for some reason. I suspect they, like Cap Anson, hate black people. Yes, this includes Randy. He's an Uncle Tom. Seriously, what self respecting black man would have played bass for Journey and the Divinyls?

There were so many bad performances, but one really stood head and shoulders above (or below?) the rest. Megan's rendition of Rockin' Robin was so awful, she's already been chosen by the Vote for the Worst crowd. The song itself is something I would expect to hear at a elementary school talent show, and she shrieked and gyrated her way through it like she was hopped up on drugs. To cap off the truly awful performance, she yelled CAW! CAW! when it was over. Her intro video was all about how much she missed her kid, so I think she may have been tanking it so she can go home.

American Idol Update: Week 3

I've seen the polls and the American Idol Update is about as popular as Rush Limbaugh's Russian mobster outfit at CPAC, but I press on. Why? Well, it's this or more recipes. Don't worry. This is the last two-hour Bataan Death March Idol for awhile, so after this week they'll be mercifully brief. Allison, Kris, and Adam survived the crap gauntlet last week. Let week three's waterboarding begin:

Von Smith - Von looks like a lesbian pig. Aside from that, and I really don't want to beat a dead horse here but, white people need to promise not to sing soul songs ever again. Just stop that already. You're white, you have no soul.

Taylor Vaifanua - The nice Mormon girl from Utah attempts Alicia Keys. The nice Mormon girl fails. She's going to make someone a great sister wife when she turns 18 though.

Alex Wagner-Trugman - He sings like a middle aged woman after too many drinks, but he has a little war with Simon that's mildly entertaining. I'd keep him around for that alone.

Arianna Afsar - I'll give her this, she sings ABBA better than Pierce Brosnan does. Take that for what its worth.

Ju'not Joyner - I really wanted to hate this guy for singing Hey There Delilah, one of the most grotesque perversions of music in the last decade, but his soulful rendition actually sounded really good. As usual, I am completely floored when someone on this show has real talent.

Kristen McNamara - She was so boring I've already forgotten what I was going to say about her.

Nathaniel Marshall - So that's what a flamboyantly gay man singing Meat Loaf sounds like. No thanks.

Felicia Barton - Another girl tries Alicia Keys. Another girl fails. The voice cracking halfway through the song is never a good sign.

Scott MacIntyre - Blind Guy bores us to tears with a little Bruce Hornsby. At least he started the high five with Ryan tonight.

Kendall Beard - This girl is just a boob job away from a playboy spread. She can't sing, but fortunately for her she wants to be a country star. Talent isn't necessarily a requirement to be a modern country singer, particularly if you're a hot blond. *cough*Carrie Underwood*cough*

Jorge Nuñez - Jorge is from Puerto Rico, which is not a country. Apparently it isn't an island that produces good singers either. Muy muy malo.

Lil Rounds - If this singing thing doesn't pan out, at least she has her stripper name ready to go. I guess she can sing okay, this just isn't my type of music.

And that's it. Is there anything more sad than Kara "it's not delivery it's" DioGuardi busting out the little hip hop slang? Why yes, yes there is. The women this week were terrible, but most of them were hot, so its an okay trade off. Lil Rounds was probably the best. The stand out among the men was Ju'not, and I don't think he'll be having any difficulty making it to the next round. Vote for the Worst has selected Alex, and I'm not going to argue. Paula was disturbingly coherent this week, so the best Paulaism I could collect was this bit of vaguely sexual innuendo:

You know when to pull back. You know when to push forward.

American Idol Update: Week 2

Welcome back to Pomp...err, The Saloon where we're following American Idol Season 35 or whatever it is now. Alexis, Danny, and Michael snuck through last week. Danny and Michael were truly awful, so Alexis' tepid performance seems good by comparison.

No time to point out how much Fantasia sucks today, lets get right into it. Here's my round-up of the karaoke followed by the Paulaism of the week:

Jasmine Murray - Shouldn't the Billboard Top 100 be songs that people know? I don't recall ever hearing this before. I'm going to guess whoever sang it originally wasn't trying this hard though. Typical lame start to the show.

Matt Giraud - He's a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo, whatever the hell that is. Viva la Vida by Coldplay with a dash of faux whiteboy wannabe soul. Birthing a yard gnome probably wouldn't be as painful as this. We have an early contender for tonight's worst.

Jeanine Vailes - Jeanine is a transvestite right? Definitely getting a Ru Paul vibe here. Bad singer too. Like Bobby Jindal bad. Even Paula can't say anything good about this performance and she's completely hopped up on digitalis and vicodin right now.

Nick Mitchell - The comedian is performing as alter ego Norman Gentle. Too bad for him he's about as funny as a bag of dead puppies. I can't even give him points for being bad. It doesn't count if you try to suck.

Allison Iraheta - The obnoxious sixteen year old who sounds like she's been smoking for sixty years attempts to sing Heart's Alone. She's OK, but the stage act has got to go. Her total disdain for Seacrest is refreshing though.

Kris Allen - I can't find the words to describe how boring this guy is. This must be what being thrown in "the hole" in prison is like. Just sitting there rocking yourself and going insane, staring blankly at the bare walls...

Megan Corkrey - Her son is named Ryder. That's a truck rental company, not a name. What the hell is wrong with people? I hate the song she's singing so much I can't give you an honest opinion on her.

Matt Breitzke - Shockingly enough, we may actually have our first good singer of the new season. It only took two weeks and twenty people or so. The judges still think he can sing but don't like the song. Oh well.

Jesse Langseth - You know she's interesting when her label is "the single mom". She has a very prominent forehead. Utterly forgettable. I think I'm back in "the hole".

Kai Kalama - He starts out singing OK, but then it just deteriorates and goes nowhere. He's also way too much of a dude. We already have one Jack Johnson and that's one too many since we all know his music will cause random post office and restaurant shootings one day.

Mishavonna Henson - Any day I don't hear Drops of Jupiter, it's been a good day. No such luck this noche.

Adam Lambert - This guy is emo, but wears a lot of Mr. T bling. The only thing more confused than his look is his sexuality. To top it off, his version of Satisfaction is so horrendous Mick Jagger died just so he could roll over in his grave.

The two hour idol marathons have got to stop. Does Fox really not have anything else to put on? God help you if you watch the results show, that means three hours of your week is devoted to this crap. At least two good singers slipped in the mix tonight. I can only assume this is an oversight on the producers' part. For those of you voting for the worst, I suggest Matt Giraud and his Vanilla Ice Viva la Vida performance. If you want to vote for someone good, you actually have a guy and a girl this week. Matt Breitzke and Allison Iraheta both showed some promise. And now, here's tonight's Paulaism. GOVERNOR X OUT.

I think you can sing the telephone book.

American Idol Update: Week 1

Its been a month since American Idol returned, but even with three shows a week they haven't really done anything yet. That changed Tuesday as the auditions and gimmicky Hollywood Week drama are finally over and the karaoke started for real. All is right with the world: Paula is clearly doped up on booze and painkillers and the sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is as intense as ever. I'm also happy to announce the envelopes full of white powder from Fantasia's fan (she only has the one) have stopped coming.

Tonight's theme is songs of the Billboard Hot 100...of all time. Way to narrow it down. Why even have a theme? On to the contestants. If I understand the new rules correctly, nine of these slack jawed assholes are going home:

Jackie Tohn - ...and they're off. Off to a horrific start too! Jackie sings a terrible Elvis song so poorly I thought a giraffe was dying. To top it off, she looks like she should be buying Skoal at an Albuquerque 7-11 at 3am after pleasuring truckers at the Super 8.

Ricky Braddy - The man with the fauxhawk busts out some fauxsoul. Simon correctly points out he has the personality of a jar of peanut butter.

Alexis Grace - This girl is kind of cute, but three contestants in and I've already had it with white people singing soul music. Who has Paula in the death league? She's babbling incoherently again. Something about big sound in a small body. Her overdose may come before next season.

Brent Keith - First his video won't load and then he sings something called "Hicktown". White trash opera. Live's Shit Town would have been better. FAIL.

Stevie Wright - She was 9 when the show started. God damn I feel old. She could also be Bristol Palin's stunt double. I have no clue what she's singing, but its not bad. Of course the judges hate it. Apparently they're looking for crap. Oh yeah, Fantasia won this contest. They are looking for crap.

Anoop Desai - I'm not sure, but I think this guy played Kumar. The first real dose of AM radio schlock of the night. What 22 year old picks Angel of Mine? One who wants granny panties thrown at him in Laughlin, that's who.

Casey Carlson - Oh joy, a Police song. The Elaine Benes dancing isn't going to help her chances either. When Paula says its bad, you know its bad. She's toast.

Michael Sarver - Big dumb Okie singing a big dumb country song. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich - Malkovich? She's pretty agreeable looking - unfortunately her song Natural Woman reminds me of a tampon commercial. Ted Danson is in the audience. He'll be this season's crying girl.

Stephen Fowler - How the hell does a guy who forgets the words to the song make it to the contest? Lame. Not as lame as his version of Rock With You though.

Tatiana Del Toro - She's an attention whore, so I'm going to talk about something else. Ryan Seacrest is creepy. His "natural" interaction with the contestants and judges is so freakishly rehearsed its possible he is a robot. A gay robot.

Danny Gokey - Hero by Mariah Carey. Are you fucking kidding me dude? Paula busts out the quote of the night: "I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas." Okay then.

Wow. That was a terrible opening night. If you're voting for the worst, then there are plenty of choices for you. For my money it doesn't get any worse than Jackie's tornado bait white trash Elvis homage. If you want to vote for someone good, I don't know what to tell you. Stevie was the least awful singer of the night I guess. Hopefully next week is better.

I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas.