Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: NFC Championship Game

The NFC Championship was certainly a little more exciting than the AFC game.

I don't have time to give full quarter by quarter rundowns so here's the skinny on how the game played out.

• Both teams manage to reach the red zone on their respective opening drives but both McNabb and Warner throw picks in the end zone leading to no scores.

• Philly scores first with a 24 yard TD run by Brian Westbrook (7-0 Philly).

• Arizona comes right back in the second quarter when on 3 and long Warner finds Anquan Boldin deep who makes a diving catch. Warner would find Boldin again in the end zone to tie the game (7-7).

• Not much action the rest of the first half as both teams manage 3 and outs and Rackers missed a 54 yard field goal.

• Philly is playing tight coverage on Fitzgerald forcing Warner to look elsewhere. Luckily Edgerrin James is having a great game running the ball.

• To start the second half, the Cards drive down the field almost entirely on the ground with Edge. They cap off the drive with a TD pass from Warner to Edge (14-7 ARI). The drive takes half the third quarter to complete.

• McNabb fumbles the ball on the ensuing drive and with great field position Arizona scores immediately on a TD pass to Jerheme Urban (21-7 ARI)

• Do or die time in the 4th quarter, Philly successfully drives 94 yards to score on another run by Brian Westbrook (21-14 ARI).

• Running out of time, Philly tries an onside and fails. Arizona just needs to control the ball and run the clock down.

• On fourth down, Rackers misses a 44 yard FG attempt and Philly gets the ball on their own 27 with less than a minute left.

• McNabb completes a huge pass to Kevin Curtis down to the Arizona 40. With 8 seconds left McNabb can't find anyone open and dumps it to Westbrook as a last ditch effort. Westbrook breaks a few tackles and busts into the open field. He takes it 40 yards for the touchdown with no time left on the clock. The PAT ties it and we go to overtime (21-21).

• Arizona wins the toss and does not mess around. Several runs by Edge take the Cards down the field swiftly before Rackers hits a 32 yarder to win the game (24-21 ARI).

Player of the game is most certainly Edgerrin James who was amazing, rushing for 147 yards on 22 carries.
So there you have it. Tecmo Sim 2009 has predicted a Cardinals vs. Ravens Super Bowl.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: AFC Championship Game

Welcome to the Tecmo Sim Playoff Predictor! It's the only place on Earth where a showdown between the boring, defense-first Steelers and the just as boring, defense-first Baltimore Ravens can be over in minutes. But much like the real game will be, it seemed to take about 10 times as long to be over than it actually was. Let's check out the highlights:

BALTIMORE at PITTSBURGH

1ST QUARTER:

The Steelers receive the ball to start the game. Ben Roethlisberger tries some trickery at the line of scrimmage where he comes out of the huddle looking just like every other white player on his Tecmo team! This doesn't prevent him from getting picked off on his first pass attempt by Samari Rolle. Take that, British Clock!

Joe Flacco comes out for the Ravens and starts thinking that since Roethlisberger won a Super Bowl in his rookie season, maybe he should be like Ben. With that in mind, Flacco chucks an INT on his first pass as well. Steelers ball.

Taking advantage of the situation, Big Ben throws a loooong pass to Charlie Ward...err...Daryl Ward...umm...Hines Ward. Follow that up with a short run by Mewelde Moore, and you've got yourself a 7-0 Steelers lead. As you can see from the picture on the right, Moore's contact also came out on the play and he had to spend 10 minutes looking for it.

Jeff Reed's crappy kickoff gives the Ravens the ball at their own 40. Flacco converts a huge 3rd down conversion with his legs, and his linemen give him some time to rest on the next play when he has about 10 whole seconds of protection to lock on to Mark Clayton for a huge TD grab. At the end of the first quarter, it's all tied up 7-7.

2ND QUARTER:

The Steelers go 3 and out and punt to the Ravens. Flacco and Co. don't do much better, giving up consecutive monster sacks to Aaron Smith. That guy is a beast! There's no number on the front of his jersey because he murdered them, but not before murdering all of their friends and family. The Steelers get the ball back, drive down the field behind the running of Willie Parker, and kick a field goal. Exciting. Not.

It's halftime, and I'm napping already. 10-7 Steelers.

HALFTIME:

"Pittsburgh: Where The Cheerleaders Have Only 1 Eye..."

3RD QUARTER:

Baltimore is happy that they get the ball to start the half. Wanting to be as big a douche as possible because his team benched him at the end of the season, Willis McGahee coughs up the ball and the Steelers are back on offense.

Terrell Suggs gets pissed that in Tecmo, his uniform looks pink and takes that aggression out on a gigantic sack on Big Ben. But the Steelers recover and kick another field goal. Pittsburgh is up 13-7.

The Ravens decide to pull out all the stops and go back to a high school offense. They run a reverse...that fails. They run another reverse...that fails. Le'Ron McClain catches a screen pass for juuust enough to give Baltimore a first down. They decide to go back to the reverse...and fail yet again. Joe Flacco gets tired of being on the field and throws an interception.

Not wanting to give his opponent time to sit and have a break and maybe some hot chocolate, Roethlisberger throws an interception of his own so he can get back to his spot on the bench before it gets cold. Flacco responds by completing a 30 yard pass to Todd Heap and Le'Ron McClain finishes off the drive with a 2 yard run (a reverse!) for a touchdown. As seen in the picture to the right, he and the referee accidentally superglue their asses together. No one cares, because it's 14-13 Ravens and by this time, everyone wants to go home.

4TH QUARTER:

On the next play, Roethlisberger does what he does best: holds on to the ball too long and takes the sack. The Steelers do nothing and punt to the Ravens. There's under 2 minutes left, so the Steelers have to start using their timeouts. On a 3rd and long, the Ravens bust out...THE REVERSE! Clearly the Steelers didn't think the Ravens would continue to use such a terrible play, because the run goes for 25 yards and pretty much seals up the game. That Brian Billick truly is an offensive genius. What? He's not coaching anymore? When did that happen?

The Steelers make things interesting by stopping the Ravens dead in their tracks and getting the ball back with under a minute to go. However, Roethlisberger completes the Circle of Life. he started the game with an INT to Samari Rolle, and he ends the game with an INT to Samari Rolle. Ravens win 14-13.

Player Of The Game was me, for having to sit through this without being able to change the channel. BOOOOOOO-RINNNNNNG!

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: Express Edition

The Tecmo Sim went 2-0 on it's predictions yesterday and nearly nailed the Arizona-Carolina score perfectly. I went ahead and did a quick sim of one more game for today.

SAN DIEGO at PITTSBURGH

Pittsburgh pretty much stuck to their ground game and did well but couldn't produce in the red zone, getting held to a field goal one time and losing the ball on a fumble another. The game stayed close in the first half (7-3 SD), but the Chargers took control in the second as Darren Sproles unleashed the fury scoring two touchdowns. Vincent Jackson also had two touchdowns as the Chargers had no problem beating the Steelers 28-10. The lack of Tomlinson has big Ewing Theory potential here.


Tecmo Sim will be back next week to cover the conference championships.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009

Back by mildly popular demand, it's time to once again simulate the NFL playoff outcomes on the most ingenious and amazingly accurate prediction system ever created: a copy of Tecmo Super Bowl for NES with the roster's edited to the players of today.

It takes a man of great talent and insight to put such a thing together. A man lacking any semblance of a social life who willingly sacrifices dignity, self-respect, and taking showers, to produce this product for the greater good of society....

....and that man is me.

For this weekend I will cover two games. The Baltimore Ravens at the Tennessee Titans, and the Arizona Cardinals at the Carolina Panthers.

BALTIMORE at TENNESSEE

The Ravens coming off last week's win over Miami, take on the top-seeded Titans. Both have pretty tough defenses so there probably won't be much scoring here.

First Quarter

Baltimore wins the toss and elects to receive. While starting with relatively good field position they do nothing and quickly go 3 and out.

Tennessee returns the punt and starts on their own 13 yard line. Collins finds McCareins deep and a big run from LenDale White puts the Titans well into Raven territory in no time. But just as they get momentum Collins is picked off by Fabian Washington at the 5 yard line.

Tennessee's defense manages to pick up the safety though and put the first points on the board (2-0, Titans).

The Titans return the ensuing kickoff to the 50 yard line and another long pass to McCareins takes them down to the 15. The drives stalls out though and Rob Bironas blows a 31 yard FG attempt.

Second Quarter

Baltimore continues to not do shit with the ball. That is until on 3rd and 12, Joe Flacco finds Derrick Mason who makes a jumping catch, dodges his defenders that dive too early in classic Tecmo fashion and waltzes into the endzone for a touchdown (7-2 Ravens).

Tennessee, again successfully drives the ball downfield and into Baltimore territory. But once again Collins is picked off. This time by Jim Leonhard.

After Le'Ron McClain runs for a first down, Flacco throws three straight incompletions and the Ravens punt for a touchback. I begin thinking of what could be more pathetic than watching this game? Simulating the X Games by watching the computer play Skate or Die?

With time running out, Collins gets picked off yet again by Fabian Washington. I haven't seen a computer QB play this poorly on Tecmo since Steve Grogan. The clock runs out and we go to halftime with the score 7-2 in favor of Baltimore.

Third Quarter

The Titans get the ball to start the half and Jesus H Christ if Kerry Collins didn't throw another pick, this one again to Jim Leonhard. What the hell? Did I program Collins wrong, did I make him an alcoholic again?

The Tennessee defense is doing everything in their power to keep the game close, as is Joe Flacco. The guy is literally standing in the pocket for what seems like days before a defender can reach him and the dumb son of a bitch still gets sacked. Baltimore punts for a touchback.

Tennessee gets rolling yet again with LenDale White running 46 yards on the first play. Clearly they just need to run the ball and forget the passing game at this point. Nope. They try some more passes, Collins gets sacked, the drive stalls. Bironas hits a 52 yard field goal (7-5 Ravens).

On the kickoff Yamon Figurs fumbles the return, Tennessee recovers on the Baltimore 21. Things are getting interesting as the third quarter comes to an end.

Fourth Quarter

Sweet Jebus! Tennessee couldn't find their assholes let alone the endzone. Three failed plays and Bironas comes out to kick another field goal. But they at least have the lead (8-7 Titans).

Baltimore gains some ground on a 12 yard pass to Derrick Mason, but Flacco is sacked deep on a blitz and the Ravens face 3rd and 21. With time ticking away, Flacco throws long and finds Mark Clayton for the touchdown. 1991 Tecmo Mark Clayton nods approvingly (14-8 Ravens).

Tennessee in what is looking like a final do or die situation begin their drive. Kerry Collins is actually throwing to his own team for a change but they seem to not know how to catch a ball as Justin Gage drops two straight wide open passes. Perhaps he should watch the Ravens secondary more to see how it's done. With time almost gone they have to go for it on 4th down. Ray Lewis sacks Collins and the Ravens take over on downs.

Le'Ron McClain puts the final nail in the coffin and scores on a short run (21-8 Ravens).

Time runs out and the Ravens emerge victorious. I emerge from my beer fridge with another bottle of Schlitz as I blah out the memories of this game I actually watched and chronicled.

Player of the game goes to Joe Flacco, who pretty much didn't do shit but when it counted had two huge TD passes, both on 3rd and long situations.

Yeah Le'Ron McClain's name looks all fucked up. Apparently an apostrophe is too much for 1991 8-bit technology to comprehend.


ARIZONA at CAROLINA

It's the high-powered passing game led by Kurt "Sultan of Stubble" Warner, versus the tough running duo of DeAngelo Williams and that other guy.

First Quarter

Arizona wins the toss and gets the ball first. I immediately regret my decision to not change the Cardinals playbook from the original Tecmo Super Bowl as they keep running the same horrible reverse play with Larry Fitzgerald that never works. A quick 3 and out and it's Carolina's ball.

The Arizona defense is fired up. After a sack by Gerald Hayes, Antrel Rolle picks off Jake Delhomme and gives the Cardinals the ball on the Carolina 23.

Warner takes no time to take advantage of the situation and connects with Anquan Boldin on the very first play (7-0 Cards).

On the next drive, Carolina realizes that Delhomme sucks and decides to run the ball instead. DeAngelo Williams runs all over the Arizona D and eventually finds the endzone to tie things up (7-7 tie).

Arizona returns the ball to their own 13. A couple nice runs by Edge and a big pass to Boldin put the Cards in Panther territory as the quarter ends.

Second Quarter

The Cards are forced to a 3rd and 16, when TD Jesus strikes again, finding what is looking like his favorite target today, Anquan Boldin for another score. At least in the 8-bit video game realm, his hamstring is just fine (14-7 Cards).

Carolina is really looking like shit as they fumble the kick return. Arizona recovers at the Carolina 10. The Panther defense clamps down however as Jon Beason sacks Warner and the drive stalls. Neil Rackers hits a field goal to salvage things (17-7 Cards).

Carolina finally gets another drive going but Delhomme throws another pick, this time in the endzone. Arizona farts around with the ball on a series of runs with Edge and that god damn Fitzgerald reverse again. Time runs out and they go into halftime with a 10 point lead.

Third Quarter

Carolina seems fired up to start the half as they successfully march down the field 70 yards, finishing things off with a TD pass to Muhsin Muhammad (17-14 Cards).

Arizona goes 3 and out and punts. This actually could turn into a game here.

Nope, Antrel Rolle intercepts another errant pass from Delhomme after a Carolina drive that took them down to the red zone. The Cardinals grind it out on the ground with Edge as the quarter ends.

Fourth Quarter

Carolina manages to stop the Cards and force the punt. With the Panthers looking to take the lead, the wheels come off as Jake Delhomme decides to run with the ball but fumbles. Bertrand Berry recovers, giving Arizona great field position.

So what does Warner do? Throw another touchdown to Boldin, that's what (24-14 Cards).

Things are looking dire for the Panthers. Before they can really get anything going, Jonathan Stewart fumbles the ball. Antrel Rolle recovers and once again the Cards have the ball with excellent field position.

Warner decides to spread the love this time and finds Larry Fitzgerald for a touchdown. Put a fork in the Panthers, this game is over (31-14 Cards).

The Panthers flounder a few final plays of futility while I suck back my Schlitz and think about the thousands of things right now I could be doing that would be more productive than this. Game over, Cardinals win, Panthers lose, I search for more beer.

Player of the game obviously is Kurt Warner but Antrel Rolle deserves a special nod as well. In the postgame interview Warner gives credit to his wonderful teammates, especially Jesus who made everything possible. Wait, I don't remember putting Jesus on their roster...

....oh wait, I guess I did.

Jesus is an all around great player, but his "turn the other cheek" philosophy makes it tough for him to lay an effective hit on his opponents.

ThunderSim 2008: Super Bowl XLII

It's been weeks since I had seen or heard from ThunderSim. After being completely off on his predictions of the conference championships, he had become a ghost. As Super Sunday drew closer I felt it was finally time to stop by his apartment and see if he was still alive.

Knock knock.

Voice from inside: It's open!

Me: Well at least he hasn't gone Jonathan Brandis on us yet.

I walk in. The place reeks of stale beer, piss, cigarettes, and failure. ThunderSim is situated at the TV playing a game. All the blinds are closed and not a single light is on. Surrounding his chair are numerous open bottles of Gatorade filled with what I can only assume is urine.

Me: What's happening buddy?

TSim: Nothing (in a barely comprehensible groan).

Me: Christ are you playing Ikari Warriors II again? How many times have I told you? It's impossible to beat that game!

TSim: Shut your mouth, I was really close last time!

Me: Look, the Super Bowl is only a few days away and we still got to run our simulation.

TSim: You son of a bitch! After everything you've done to me, you really expect me to do the Super Bowl?

Me: Me? What the hell did I do?

TSim: You programmed the rosters, I just simmed them. I can't help it if you did a piss poor job of setting the players' abilities.

Me: So I'm the asshole? Well I can't help it if you suck ass at Tecmo Super Bowl. I could beat you blindfolded.

TSim: Is that a challenge?

Me: Let's do this, you can have first pick of teams. Patriots or Giants?

TSim: Giants. I'll whoop your ass with the underdogs as they will surely crush the Pats on Sunday.

Me: You're clearly delusional, but suit yourself.

Giants start with the ball. On the second play of the game, Brandon Jacobs fumbles. I recover with Tedy Bruschi and take it in for the first score.

TSim: Dammit! You got lucky on that one.

The Giants get the ball again and quickly go 3 and out as my defense stuffs them.

Me: Feel free to start trying any time now.

On the first offensive play for the Pats, I launch it deep to Randy Moss. 80 yards, touchdown.

TSim: Any dope can just throw bombs all day and have the best receiver bring them down.

Me: Fine, next time I'll run the ball.

I pick off Eli Manning and start with great field position. As promised I run the ball with Maroney.

TSim: What! What's this zigzag running bullshit? Why can't you run straight like a real man?


This goes on all game. At some point in the third quarter with the score Pats 51, Giants 7......

TSim: Horse shit! You're obviously cheating.

Me: (sarcastically) Yep, I have a guy behind us videotaping your controller so I can read your plays.

TSim: I wouldn't doubt it. Screw this, I'm hitting reset. I wanna play with different teams.

Me: Don't! I wanna see how many yards Moss can get.

TSim: Whatever, but let the record show that I gave up before the 4th quarter.

TSim: You honestly aren't going to count this as the simulation are you? (tosses controller in disgust)

Me: Sure, why not?

TSim: Because it's highly unrealistic. You honestly believe Eli is going to complete no passes?

Me: No but I do believe the Patriots will put forth an absolute massacre of the Giants with a score reminiscent of some of the Super Bowls in the 80's.

Don't buy the hype that New York will make this a close game. New England is going to crush Eli Manning's soul, and if we're lucky maybe his ribcage or spleen as well.

ThunderSim 2008: Conference Championships

Christ I'm sorry. I've just ran out of time folks. I'm flying out to California tomorrow and don't have enough time to give a full report on these games.

Why am I heading out to California? Well for TMS Summit 2008, in sunny Huntington Beach. Estimates have shown that possibly 5 bartenders could converge for this historic occasion. Well actually 6 if you want to count the J.D. Salinger of the Saloon, the elusive Martin Gramatica. Some of the hot button issues to be discussed include:

• Coming to an official consensus on which condiments are in fact over/underrated.
• Is Chaim's mustache truly real, or just an elaborate hoax?
• What about Beecake?
• Establishing a Thunder Matt Disaster Mitigation Plan, to implement if and when Matt Murton gets traded.
• Who needs another beer?

Full reports with photos of various bartenders in comprising and provocative situations are to come.

*One note about that Chargers-Pats game. Randy Moss got hurt, and the Pats lost in overtime after a botched kick return plants them on their own 2 and they give up the safety. Yeah, that's gonna happen....

ThunderSim 2008: AFC Divisional Playoffs

Alright, once again I've just ran out of time in getting the ThunderSim posts up. So here is yet another half-assed, "Mail it in" editions.

JACKSONVILLE at NEW ENGLAND
Spread: New England -13.5

I didn't expect this to be much of a game. 8-bit New England is just as dominating as the real team. I'm not sure they punted once in the entire game. If you were to play with this team against a buddy, I have no doubt that a controller would be thrown across the room after the third straight Brady to Moss TD.

I would expect the real Jags offense will be a little more productive, but that score isn't unreasonable.

ThunderSim's pick: New England -13.5

SAN DIEGO AT INDIANAPOLIS
Spread: Indianapolis -9

It's the incredibly inconsistent Philip Rivers and the Chargers versus the less retarded Manning brother and the Colts. Excuse me while I go nap for a while.

I personally could care less who wins. I'm not a fan of the Colts and I'm not a fan of Norv Turner. Let's see how ThunderSim saw it.

Ha! You stay classy San Diego. I'd think they'd use LT a little more but even when they did he was pretty unproductive. Philip Rivers looked like garbage and threw two picks.

But let's not just rip on the Chargers. While Indy won, they had a few missteps. A lot of stalled out drives in between their good ones. I could see a possible ThunderSim of Indy vs. New England to be a big shootout however.

ThunderSim's Pick: Indianapolis -9

So ThunderSim is pretty comfortable with all home teams covering this week. We'll see how close it really is. Tune in next week where I'll have no excuse to not have a proper post up as there are only two games.

ThunderSim 2008: NFC Divisional Playoffs

Alright so how did ThunderSim do last week? 3-1 picking the winners, 2-2 against the spreads. Not bad, not bad at all. Let's see how it does with this week's games.

SEATTLE AT GREEN BAY
Spread: Green Bay -7.5

Welcome to sunny 8-bit Lambeau Field for today's game. You can't really tell but I programmed the crowd to look fatter since we're in Wisconsin.

Brett Favre is old enough you'd think he was on the original Tecmo Super Bowl. Alas, not quite. The Pack instead had the indispensable duo of Don Majkowksi and Anthony Dilweg.

Green Bay wins the toss and returns the ball to the 40. Brett Favre wastes no time and throws it deep to an open Donald Driver. Driver takes it down to the 6. Ryan Grant scores on a screen from Favre on the next play. 7-0 Green Bay.

Seattle returns the kickoff at the 24. The Seahawk drive starts off with Aaron Kampman planting Matt Hasselbeck in the ground about 9 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Seattle goes 3 and out. Green Bay gets the ball on their own 21.

Green Bay goes 3 and out as well. Lame.

Seattle gets the ball back on the ensuing punt on their 18 yard line. Shaun Alexander busts out for a 17 yard run. On the next play Hasselbeck throws a pick to Charles Woodson right before the clock runs out.

Ryan Grant kicks off the second quarter with a 38 yard run down to the 2 yard line. On the next play Favre scrambles around to find an open receiver before calling his own number and diving in for the TD. 14-0 Green Bay.

The Seattle offense continues to flounder and yet again goes 3 and out. Green Bay gets the ball at their own 10 yard line.

After a couple huge gains from Ryan Grant, the Packers score again on a 25 yard TD by Favre to Driver. 21-0 Green Bay. This is getting ugly pretty quickly.

With what little time is left in the half, Seattle half asses a drive which ends with Josh Brown missing a 52 yard field goal as time expires.

Seattle starts the half with the ball on their 18 yard line. Alexander breaks off a couple big runs and the Seahawks are finally showing some life. Hasselbeck connects to Bobby Engram who gets down to the 3 yard line. After a couple failed goal line runs, Maurice Morris finally punches it through for the TD. 21-7 Green Bay.

The Packers immediately go 3 and out and Seattle attempts to ride the momentum. The drive looks to stall out right away as Kampman sacks Hasselbeck again to force a 3rd and 21 situation. Hasselbeck gets the first down however, finding Deion Branch just beyond the marker.

The most ridiculous play then occurs. Matt Hasselbeck scrambles in the pocket, decides to run and proceeds to take it like 40 yards downfield. Chaim has a better chance of growing a Magnum P.I. mustache than this play ever really happening. Sorry ThunderSim, I call shenanigans on that one. The third quarter ends as the Seattle drive continues.

As the fourth quarter begins, Hasselbeck finds Engram for the TD. 21-14 Green Bay. This may be a game after all.

Green Bay gets the ball in nice field position as they return it to the Seattle 43. After a failed run, and a sack by Kevin Bentley, Green Bay is facing a 3rd and long and a possible game-changing punt. Favre manages to work some of his magic and throws a rope to a diving Donald Driver. First down.

The Packers begin to roll and Favre eventually finds TE Donald Lee for the TD. 28-14 Green Bay.

Literally unfazed, Hasselbeck finds Bobby Engram deep who then takes it down to the Packers 30. The ground game drives them into the red zone and Deion Branch scores the TD on a Hasselbeck pass. 28-21 Green Bay.

With little time left the Seahawks go for the onside but fail miserably as Green Bay gets the ball and takes it to the Seattle 34. Favre throws a short pass to Driver, who breaks off a defender and runs it all the way to the 1 yard line. Favre drives the final nail in the coffin with another TD run. 35-21 Green Bay.

With one last chance, Seattle putzes around until the clock runs out.

Player of the game goes to Donald Driver who came up with a couple big time catches to keep the Packers ahead.

ThunderSim's pick: Green Bay -7.5

NEW YORK GIANTS AT DALLAS
Spread: Dallas -7.5

Wow, so Eli beats Tampa Bay and suddenly he's the great clutch QB? So the press seems to think. Still looks like the same retarded kid I've always known.

Giants win the toss and start with the ball first. Nothing interesting happens and they punt. Dallas manages to reach the Giants 40 before settling for a 57 yard field goal from Nick Folk. 3-0 Dallas.

As the second quarter begins, the Giants are in the middle of a good drive before stalling out on the Dallas 33. Lawrence Tynes misses the field goal and the Cowboys get the ball back.

After a big run from Julius Jones, Romo connects with Terrell Owens in the endzone for a TD. 10-0 Dallas.

Sadly nothing else of importance happens in the first half. Let's check out the halftime festivities.

That's actually the Sklar Brothers in drag.

The world reknown all flute band, Locomotive Breath played. Filling in for Beecake who canceled at the last second.

Also making an appearance, the Ron Paul blimp.

Back to the game. Dallas drives downfield before Nick Folk hits a 49 yard field goal on fourth down. 13-0 Dallas.

As you can tell, this game bored the living shit out of me so I'm sparing you the mundane details of what transpired. Moving on to the fourth quarter. Mongoloid Manning eventually figures out how to throw a good pass and finds Kevin Boss in the endzone for the TD. 13-7 Dallas.

So this is looking like it could be a game finally right? Wrong. The Cowboys offense picks apart the Giants D and marches right down field and ends the drive with a TD pass to Patrick Crayton who upon scoring shouts, "I just drank your milkshake!" Indeed. 20-7 Dallas.

The Giants are then rendered as useless as the retard they have behind center. The game ends. Gameball goes to me for enduring that shitstorm of a game instead of actually doing real work.

ThunderSim's Pick: Dallas -7.5

AFC picks tomorrow. Probably in a mailed in version yet again.

ThunderSim 2008: AFC Wild Card Edition

I apologize. I'm pulling a Buzanis on this and mailing it in.

JACKSONVILLE at PITTSBURGH
Spread: Jacksonville -2.5

The duo of Taylor and Jones-Drew proved to be quite successful, but Najeh Davenport looked good rushing for over 100 yards. Garrard threw 3 TD passes en route to a 31-28 win.

ThunderSim already picked two road teams to win, and now they're taking a third. I'm getting a little skeptical about how well it's predicting these games.

ThunderSim's pick: Jacksonville -2.5

Tecmo Montage:










































TENNESSEE AT SAN DIEGO
Spread: San Diego -10

Yep, this one was pretty ugly. Vince Young threw three picks, and LaDainian Tomlinson ran for three touchdowns as the Chargers destroyed the Titans.

San Diego went into halftime with a 17-0 lead and scored another 17 unanswered points in the second before Young connected to Chris Brown for the Titans only score late in the fourth quarter.

Needless to say, ThunderSim doesn't like the Titans chances.

ThunderSim's pick: San Diego -10

Tecmo Montage:

ThunderSim 2008: NFC Wild Card Edition

Back by popular demand, the TMS Super Simulator 2000 is ready to bring you uncanny predictions for the NFL playoffs. Everything has been retooled and ready to go as this year's version, which I have dubbed ThunderSim 2008, will take us through the outcomes of all the postseason gridiron action.

For those that aren't familiar with the simulator, you can check out last year's results here. Prior to the conference championships, the simulator was picking games with fairly good accuracy. The scariest sim was the San Diego-New England game that even got the exact score correct.

So let's get this thing crack-a-latin', in all it's 8-bit glory.

WASHINGTON AT SEATTLE
Spread: Seahawks -3.5 points

Washington is riding on pure emotion still after the untimely demise of 8-bit Sean Taylor. While he's no longer on the roster, out of respect I put him on the Tecmo AFC Pro Bowl roster.

FIRST QUARTER: Nate Burleson is hurt on the opening kickoff. I didn't have enough time to add 8-bit Suzy Kolber so we have no way of knowing the extent of Nate's injury. But from the looks of it, I'd say it's his leg.

The Seahawks gain minimal ground on the opening drive and after a failed attempt to convert on 3rd and 22 are forced to punt. Antwaan Randle El is injured on the return. Just imagine that picture of Burleson except change the name and uniform. Like Nate, it appears to be his leg. In fact they all seem like leg injuries on Tecmo. Must be the poor turf.

Starting deep in their own territory, Washington suffers a safety when Todd Collins is sacked in the endzone by Kevin Bentley. 2-0, Seahawks.

Seattle loses the ball on the next drive as Maurice Morris fumbles. LaRon Landry recovers. Washington takes advantage of the excellent field position and scores on a TD pass from Collins to Santana Moss. 7-2, Redskins.

SECOND QUARTER: As the second quarter begins, Maurice Morris redeems himself a bit on a screen pass that he ends up taking 23 yards to the Washington 25 yard line. This eventually leads to a 15 yard TD pass to Bobby Engram. 9-7, Seahawks.

The Redskins get things cooking yet again as Todd Collins connects with James Thrash, taking them down to Seattle's 22. However the loud 8-bit Seattle crowd seems to have Collins a bit rattled as he throws two straight incompletions before getting sacked by Kevin Bentley on 3rd and 10. Shaun Suisham attempts a 50 yard field goal that goes wide right.

Seattle goes 3 and out on their next drive and punt the ball for a touchback. The Skins continue to go the wrong direction as Collins is sacked for the 4th time today, this time by Patrick Kerney. A few runs by Clinton Portis nets them some positive yards but they inevitably punt as the clock runs out. At halftime, Seattle leads 9-7.

THIRD QUARTER: The Skins get off on the right foot to start the second half as Collins connects to Chris Cooley for a first down. The very next play Clinton Portis explodes for a 60 yard TD run. 14-9, Redskins.

With the crowd a bit deflated Seattle begins to drive in hopes of regaining momentum when Maurice Morris fumbles for the second time today. The air has completely rushed out of 8-bit Qwest Field at this point.

A series of 3 and outs from both sides occur as the quarter expires.

FOURTH QUARTER: With the ball on their own 39, Washington begins pounding the ball on the ground with Portis. After two big gains, Washington scores again on a 13 yard pass to Portis. 21-9, Redskins.

As the Seahawks struggle to come back they keep inexplicably giving the ball to butterfingers Morris. This time he holds on to the ball and gets Seattle into Redskin territory on a nice reception and run. Hasselbeck completes a few more passes and from the 1 yard line, they push it in for the score thanks to Morris. 21-16, Seahawks.

With time winding down, Seattle attempts the onside kick but fails. Washington however gets nowhere on 3 stalled out runs and Shaun Suisham fails to make a 55 yard field goal that goes wide left.

With time for one last play. Hasselbeck heaves it downfield to Engram who catches it, breaks a tackle and runs free before getting tackled on the 20. Game over, Redskins win.

Gameball goes to Clinton Portis who rushed for over 100 yards and scored two key touchdowns in the second half.

My thoughts? Overall not bad. Seattle hardly used Alexander at all, preferring Maurice Morris instead who came up with a pair of costly turnovers.

ThunderSim's pick: Redskins +3.5









NEW YORK GIANTS AT TAMPA BAY
Spread: Even Pick

Apparently they're both going with the throwbacks today. It's Eli and the Giants against Tampa Bay, led by whats-his-face and that one guy, you know, he was on that thing once?

Ugh, there are no winners with this game.

FIRST QUARTER: Very little offense, a handful of punts, and Garcia gets murdered by the Giants defensive line. The only score comes from a safety by Osi Umenyiora.


SECOND QUARTER: More of the same. Lackluster offense, punts, Ike Hilliard fumbles twice and loses the ball both times. The only score comes from a 46 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes. The halftime score is Mets 5, Devil Rays 0.

THIRD QUARTER: Eli comes out firing to start the second half and throws it right to a Bucs defender. Even in the 8-bit realm, Eli's mild retardation gets the best of him.

As expected Garcia gets murdered some more. Apparently he didn't buy his line dinner last night. Tampa punts and the Giants begin to slowly move the ball down field on a series of runs from Brandon Jacobs and Reuben Droughns. The drive eventually stalls out at the 50 so New York on fourth down as expected goes for... the field goal? Wait, huh?

I shit you not they trotted Lawrence Tynes out there with a 5-0 lead to kick a 67 yard field goal. Take a look for yourself. Obviously he misses it, but get this, it's because it went wide right. The motherf'er actually had the distance to make it. Put that in your pipe Tom Dempsey!

Regardless, that had to be the bonehead play of the game, which was enough for me to want to fire 8-bit Tom Coughlin as well as the pixelated scowl on his face.

Of course all this nonsense leads to Tampa Bay immediately running the ball down for a TD thanks to a big run by Michael Bennett. 7-5, Buccaneers.

FOURTH QUARTER: Playing behind for the first time, the G-men waste no time and put together an impressive drive, thanks in part to the legs of Brandon Jacobs, who scores a touchdown. 12-7 Giants.

After an inordinate amount of ass-slapping, Jeff Garcia rallies his troops, and immediately throws a pick to Kevin Dockery. Way to go! Eli then connects to Plaxico Burress for a 40 yard touchdown, on a goddamn flea flicker of all things. That play never worked. 19-7, Giants.

Tampa Bay tries one last feeble attempt to score but fails to convert on a 4th down. Giants take over and run the clock out. Ballgame.



The stats speak for themselves. This game was absolutely atrocious at best. Eli Manning throwing for only 76 yards would be even more sad if not for Jeff Garcia's measly 25 yards.

Game ball. Uh, I guess Kevin Dockery for his 4th quarter interception that pretty much killed the Buccaneers' hopes of a win.

ThunderSim's Pick: Giants



Stay tuned as I bring you the AFC games tomorrow.