Peyton's Place

Oh yeah, so Peyton Manning hosted SNL this past weekend. As you all know (don't pretend you don't), TMS has always been avowed arch-rivals of the Manning clan and their path of destruction. That said, I'm gonna mix things up and possibly blow your mind.

He was kind of funny.

Sure, the show itself was uneven at best, but lets call a spade (David) a spade (David) here: SNL hasn't been consistently funny in years. (As an aside, why does the show feel the need to start out with a forced political skit all the time? It's like they're saying, "We know this skit sucks, but we feel we should have at least one political skit to remain 'edgy' and 'relevant'. We know it's not funny, but don't worry we'll get it out of the way at the beginning. And c'mon, we need to fit Darrell Hammond in the show somehow." Further muddling matters is that they haven't had a solid Bush impersonation since Ferrell jumped ship. But that's neither here nor there.)

There was a nice skit ribbing Manning's character for 'pulling a Manning' (synonomous with 'blowing it') and ridiculous skit where Peyton dances as the coach tries to motivate his basketball team at halftime, but the real classic was the United Way commercial spoof.

On the field I'd still like to punch him in the chin (oh wait, he doesn't have one). But I'll man up and admit it. This was good stuff. Ripe for parody and a bit obvious, but funny none-the-less.

Well played Manning, you son of a bitch. Well played.

Whatever

Ugh. Fine, you have your stupid ring, now please get out of my life.

Oh and Peyton. Be sure and share that MVP award with Vinatieri, Dominic Rhodes, and your defense since they were the one's that actually won it for you. You winning the MVP is the equivalent of letting the retarded kid play 5th quarter basketball in junior high.

These sour grapes taste delicious. No seriously, try some.

Osama Bin Laden: "Go Colts!"

I've known it all along...the FBI's #1 most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden, is an Indianapolis Colts fan. He's released a chilling new video in preparation of Sunday's Superbowl. TMS's correspondent in Qatar has provided us with a transcript:

Allahu Akbar.

You, the American people, I talk to you today about the best way to avoid another catastrophe in the Superbowl.

Contrary to what you may think, you aren't all infidels and great satans to us. Some of you are truly worthy of God's praise and love; those of you who play American football for the Indianapolis Colts. Only through a Colts victory in this Superbowl can your lives be vindicated.

The transgressions of the Bears and the zionists are well documented. Only Peyton Manning and the glorious Marvin Harrison can expel them from the lands long occupied by evil groups like the Steelers, so-called Patriots, Buccaneers, and Rams. A Bears' victory would be a terrible castastrophe and a crime against Allah.

There is only one team worthy of Allah, and Peyton Manning is their quarterback. May the mercy of God be upon them. Go Colts!

There you have it. Straight from the horse's mouth (not from Barbaro's mouth though, since, well, you know...). If the Bears don't win the Superbowl on Sunday, the terrorists do.

Chip's Playoff Picks: Tecmo Style

Chip here, bringing my surefire can't-miss picks for this week's NFL playoff games. How can I be so positive on the accuracy of my predictions you ask? Well I've got a secret weapon. Behold, the TMS Super Simulator 2000!

Admit it you're impressed. No? Tecmo Super Bowl? I don't know what you're talking about this...uh....alright you got me. This is nothing more than Tecmo Super Bowl on an NES emulator with the rosters edited and retrofitted to the 2006 season*.

I didn't have time to do all the games so I picked two to cover, Seattle vs. Dallas and Indianapolis vs. Kansas City. Anyway, sit back and prepare to be dazzled by the magic of 8-bit technology!



Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks

This game has the closest spread of the four with Seattle favored by 3 according to most sports books.

Seattle won the toss and has elected to receive.

On the opening drive Seattle has no problem driving down the field as they score on a 12 yard QB keeper by Matt Hasselbeck (0-7 SEA).

Dallas isn't so lucky, as Romo is sacked once by Lofa Tatupu before throwing an interception to Ken Hamlin.

Seattle's ensuing drive lasts through to the beginning of the second quarter, where Shaun Alexander runs it in for TD (0-14 SEA).

Cowboys receive the kickoff with horrible field position. The TMS simulator has no regards for the touchback and will run every kick out of the endzone. With the ball on the 12, Romo is sacked on two straight plays, the second for a safety (0-16 SEA).

On the next drive Seattle takes it into Cowboy territory. But two straight sacks from Marcus Spears forces a FG on fourth down. Josh Brown nails it from 42 yards (0-19 SEA).

The Cowboys next drive looks good until Ken Hamlin once again picks off Tony Romo. With very little time left in the half, Seattle drives down close enough for Josh Brown to hit a 52 yard field goal as time expires (0-22 SEA at halftime).



Ken Hamlin gave Tony Homo fits in the first half.






The Cowboys come out firing on all cylinders and cap off an impressive drive with a TD pass to Terry Glenn. Over a full half has been played and not a single ball has been thrown T.O.'s way (7-22 SEA).

The Seahawks answer right back as Hasselbeck finds Darrell Jackson several times including one catch in the endzone. 8-bit T.O. can be seen shouting obscenities at Romo (7-29 SEA).

The shouting must have worked as the Cowboys use a bit of trickery and run a reverse with Owens. Terrell takes it 35 yards for the score (14-29 SEA).

Seattle goes nowhere on the next drive and is forced to punt. Dallas returns it to their 20 yard line to end the third quarter.

With a chance to make it a game Dallas begins their 80-yard drive. Romo throws two incompletions before being sacked for a 13 yard loss. On 4th and 23 on their own 7 yard line Parcells decides to go for it. They hand the ball off to Julius Jones who gets stuffed for a minimal gain. It appears 8-bit Parcells has lost faith in his QB.

Seattle goes nowhere with the excellent field position as Jason Ferguson sacks Hasselbeck twice. Josh Brown hits a field goal from 35 yards (14-32 SEA).

Dallas is hanging on by a thread and the crowd seems to be getting to them. They begin what looks like a promising drive, until Julius Jones fumbles and Seattle recovers. Josh Brown hits his fourth field goal of the game as it appears all but over for the Cowpokes (14-35 SEA).

With hardly any time left, Dallas attempts one last futile try for a score only to lose the ball on a Tony Romo fumble as time expires. Seattle wins, 35-14.

The player of the game is Ken Hamlin, whose two interceptions killed any momentum Dallas had in the first half. Here are the final stats:

Despite the high score it was a pretty anemic offensive showing for both teams. Much to my delight, Tony Romo was horrible, throwing two interceptions, fumbling once and getting sacked 4 times, once for a safety.

So rest easy gamblers. Seattle will easily cover the 3 point spread.








Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts

Indy is favored by 7 points in this match and many feel that KC has a shot here, given that Larry Johnson should have a field day running against the Colts horrible run D. Well let's see what the TMSSS2000 has to say about it. Hopefully it will be a little more exciting than the horribly lopsided Seahawks-Cowboys game.

Indy won the toss and was all business coming out of the gate. Manning had no problem finding his favorite target Marvin Harrison for the game's first TD (0-7 IND).

KC answers right back with a lengthy drive of their own as Trent Green finds Samie Parker for a 35 yard TD pass (7-7).

Early in the second quarter, Indy once again drives with ease as Joseph Addai runs it in for another TD (7-14 IND).

Like last game, thumbing it's nose at the prospects of a touchback, the TSMSSS2000 makes KC run the kickoff out of the endzone as they get murdered with horrible field position. Predictably, Trent Green is sacked by Robert Mathis for a safety. (7-16 IND).

On the following drive, Indy again cannot be stopped as Peyton finds Marvin Harrison yet again for a TD. So much for this being close (7-23).

With time running out in the first half, the Chiefs begin unleashing the fury that is Larry Johnson (who mysteriously looks a lot like Christian Okoye) onto the Colts D. Indy looks helpless as Johnson rumbles down the field and eventually scores. We can only imagine how much more damage he could have done if the TMSSS2000 knew how to do the zigzag running pattern trick (14-23 IND at halftime.



Christ! Peyton is even ugly in 8-bit graphics!






KC starts the second half, much like how they ended the first, with Larry Johnson running wild. Johnson finds the endzone again, as the Chiefs have made a game of this (21-23 IND).

Unfazed, Peyton begins another successful drive. He throws a long pass to Reggie Wayne, who fumbles the ball at the Chiefs 20 yard line. Patrick Surtain recovers. The Colts crowd is shellshocked.

The Chiefs take the ball down into Colts territory before having to settle for a 32 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes. The Chiefs have now rattled off 17 unanswered points to take the lead (24-23 KC).



Lawrence Tynes stealing the "Point to Jesus" move from Carlos Zambrano. Apparently Lawrence also went 'throwback' sporting the single bar face mask of Nick Lowery glory.




The Colts begin the fourth quarter with yet another scoring drive. Reggie Wayne redeems himself by catching a big pass on 3rd and long. Joseph Addai runs in for the TD (24-30 IND).

The Chiefs follow up with more Larry Johnson. Faced with a fourth down well within field goal range and enough time on the clock for a second possession, 8-bit Herm Edwards stupidly goes for it and just falls short on a dump pass to Johnson.

With Indy just trying to run the clock down, Manning says 'fuck it' and launches it deep to Reggie Wayne to put the final nail in the coffin as he scores on a 60+ yard touchdown, covering the spread (24-37).

With barely any time left, KC just runs the clock out as Trent Green heaves a couple lame duck incompletions. The Colts wins 37-24.

Despite the loss I'm giving Larry Johnson, Player of the Game. Check out the stats. The guy ran for 17.4 yards per carry! That and like Chaim, I refuse to acknowledge Peyton Manning being any good, even in simulated 8-bit form.




















So that one came out fairly realistic. Larry Johnson did in fact run all over the Chiefs, but Indy's high-powered offense was just too much, coupled with Herm Edwards mismanagement of the fourth down in field goal range. So there you have it. Bettors rest assured that Indy and Seattle will have no problems covering their spreads thanks to the TMSSS2000.


*I know I'm a fucking nerd. No need to state the obvious here.

Chaiming In

• Here I humbly sit, letting the hate wash over me. I guess I pissed off a few good ole' boys with my Peyton Manning rant. I like the one person who said I wasn't in the "cool click" (grammar police!) in school and am jealous because I'm not as talented as Peyton Manning. Touche sweet lover! Point taken, albeit with a shiteating grin. I mean, saying I'm 'jealous' because I'm not as talented as Peyton Manning. C'mon now. Yes, to the shock of only my mother, I am pretty much untalented at everything save for bocce ball and carefully crafted love letters. I don't think any armchair QB sitting in front of a computer is as talented as ANY position player in ANY sport, including Rick Mirer. To think that I would be jealous of any sports figure is absurd. It may be feasible if I were a die hard fan of some AFC rival with a shitty QB. For instance, if I were a Titans fan in the short lived Neil O'Donnel beard era, then yes, I may have harbored some resentment. But holding no diehard allegiances allows me to hate Peyton Manning with a clear conscience. It's like when Yankee fans say that everybody that hates the Yankees because they are jealous. That theory may have passed muster in the late 90's, but guess what? The Yankees haven't won poop in years and I still hate them. But yes, I am in fact jealous of Peyton Manning and his countless first round playoff exits. You shut your mouth Eli. You're next.

• First Jerry Rice, now Emmitt Smith reaching the finals on 'Dancing With the Stars'. Are guys actually watching this show and voting? Inconceivable!
• The Cubs went out and signed Mark DeRosa to be their everyday second baseman. While I like this signing on paper, I would really like to see the position be decided in Spring Training so that Ryan Theriot gets a fair shot. He was one of our lone bright spots during the second half last year and it's a shame that a career utilityman cashing in on his one big year automatically wins the job without a fight. I hope DeRosa can prove me wrong, but I'm mildly disappointed. Just keep telling yourself, 'better than Neifi, better than Neifi'. I"m hoping for a poor man's Michael Young and not a poor man's Mark Belhorn.
• The quote of the day comes from our friend 'karan' who reports that I am 'prolly a low life on welfare.' (Long pause) Much as I want to, I just can't argue with that.

"My brother is a douchebag!"

Tuesdays With Chaim

Simply put, I have quite a few arch-rivals. But only one real nemesis. Only one person who I would like to throw under the bus. And I mean that literally, not figuratively. That's right. Peyton Williams Manning. You know who you are, you chinless fuck.

Is he good? No. I will not concede even that blatantly obvious and easily proven fact. That is how much this man makes my blood boil. The mere mention of his name makes me break out in hives and start throwing up and shaking uncontrollably. These symptoms are also common in non-functioning alcoholics, but that's neither here nor there. Why do I hate him, you ask? That's like asking 'Why is the sky blue' or 'Is daddy ever coming home?'. You just don't ask. Accept some things as the way life is and move on.

So in (dis) honor of this future War Criminal, I will now take upon the unpleasant task of dissecting the the 'Peyton Manning commercials'. Having been dubbed the most family friendly of the NFL superstars, every Sunday our earlobes and eyeballs are set afire with these 30 second slices of hell. What are they selling? Who knows? I'm too busy trying to save the children, who upon viewing these commercials, are apt to throw themselves down a flight of stairs or stick their baby hands in a running blender. Fuck you Peyton. I even hate that old show 'Peyton Place.' Still waters run deep. Wait, I think I got that wrong. What? I apologize. I'm drunk on hate.

The Mastercard Priceless Commercials: Oh, it's so funny when he asks the guy at the store to sign his melon! LOL! Chop that meat, chop that meat! Oh, Peyton, stop! These are probably the least offensive entries into the Peyton portfolio. In fact, full disclosure, I think I even chuckled the first time I saw this. Now of course, I've seen it upwards of 3,216,896 times and it sends me into cardiac arrest. I punch myself in the nuts in tune to the two syllable 'D-Caf, D-Caf' chant. When I saw this commercial I actually cancelled my Mastercard and switched to Visa. Bottle of cheap vodka to help make it through this commercial. $6.99. The cost of therapy after viewing? $2000. Seeing Peyton lose in the playoff and throw his whole team under the bus like a fat, chinless baby? Priceless.

The Big Head Gatorade commercial: What can you really say about this one, except for the fact that Gatorade should immediately fire their ad agency? The only good thing is that Peyton isn't the only asshole in this commercial. And Derek Jeter hits a home run off of him. You suck Archie's boy! Stick to football jackass. If he ever started playing baseball, I might reluctantly have to start watching hockey. On a side note, who is the blond girl in the commercial and can I have sex with her? Well, no I can't and that remark was clearly sexist. Anyway, I liked this commercial better when it was called Muppet Babies.

Peyton Manning Gatorade Cocoon: Wow, this one is high on the list of all-time unintentional humor. You've got this shot of a football on a rainy field and all of the sudden it starts ripping apart. Out comes this great big ball of slime, a la the transformation a Mogwai undergoes right before turning into a Gremlin. The cocoon rips apart, the rain falls harder and out pops...Peyton Manning dressed in spandex! Perfect! Ok, Ray Lewis, I'd buy that. In fact I might poop my pants with fear. Brian Urlacher, sure. That works. But Peyton Manning? I mean that is about as intimidating as Arizona Cardinal punter Scott Player popping out. And then, to top it off, Peyton stands in the rain and does the Scott Stapp Jesus pose. Thanks Peyton. Now I hate football and religion.

Peyton Manning Sprint Commercial: This is the cream of the crop. This is the one that could make even the most white trash Colt fan stick his acne covered face in a deep fat fryer. We've got Peyton Manning, who clearing at this point in his commercial career, has handlers that are telling him, 'Oh Peyton, you are funny. Really you are. You should guest star on 'Two and a Half Men.' Upon learning that no, he can't really grow any facial hair of his own, they slap a fake mustache on him (comedy gold!) and have him tout some phone and talk himself up. Thankfully I don't have a Sprint phone, so I was saved the hassle of having to change plans and buy a new phone. In fact, I actually bought stock in Verizon just to spite that chinless freakshow. And why does he have a gut in that commercial? Is that real? If so, for shame! Letting yourself go like that. This commercial also answers the question, 'Could Peyton Manning possibly get any uglier?'

Well, I think that covers most of the ones I haven't mentally blocked out, at least for now. I'm sure we will be subjected to at least one new one right around, oh, the Super Bowl. Maybe it will break up the 13 consecutive Bud Light commercials. The setup I'm hoping for is Peyton with an S&M ball gag, a hungry wolverine and Ted Haggard. Priceless.