Ha Ha! Look at You!

Northern Iowa 24, Iowa State 13
Another Saturday has passed, and yet another Division IA school gets smacked around by a D-IAA* team. This one doesn't have as big of an effect nationally as last week's Appalachian State shocker, but for some folks here at the Saloon, it's important to us.

As a Northern Iowa alum, it was with great pride to see my Panthers kick the piss out of the lowly Sucklones. And by "see" I mean that 2 seconds on my local news station where they flashed the score, as the game wasn't televised, at all it seems. Hell I even stared at the goddamn ESPN Bottom Line for a solid 30 minutes and never saw the score (although I was relieved to see Chadron State had no problem downing Northern Colorado).

Don't worry Iowa State. This will serve as a nice primer for when the regular conference schedule begins and your Big 12 counterparts have their way with you. Now squeeeeeaal!!!!!

A smaller Ha Ha goes out to the Wolverines who continues to get beat down, this time by the Oregon Ducks. Meanwhile Ohio State fan is out there writing down some new taunts he can yell at Michigan fan next time he sees him.

An even smaller Ha Ha to Northern Illinois getting beat by Southern Illinois, who plays in the same conference as Northern Iowa. Kind of cheapens the Hawkeyes win last week just a little bit.

You know what? I feel a little bad for Iowa State. I don't want to be so hard on them. So to make it up, I'll close out this post with a photo of one of their soccer hotties.

Good lord! That's pretty amazing when you can make the Nebraska chick seem hot.

*I refuse to use that weird Championship Subdivision, Bowl Division whathaveyou crap. Whoever came up with that is a complete moron. Oh wait, we're dealing with the NCAA here. I apologize for stating the obvious.

Chaiming In, New Years Edition

While going home for the holidays I was shocked and horrified to hear 'Christmas Time' by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Do people actually buy the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" albums? Tis the season for murder I say! Doing a minimal amount of research, I find that yes, not only are people buying these albums, but they are rating them an average of 4.5/5 stars on Amazon. I mean these guys are to music what Al Qaeda is to the world.





Who's the boss now? I could fucking buy you Danza.










Barry Zito, or as my wife calls him, "the hottest guy in baseball...way better looking than you" just signed a 7 year, $126 million dollar deal with the Giants. They've done studies that show that good looking people earn more than ugly people. Comparing Zito's salary to Randy Johnson's, we see this to be true. I can see Zito not wanting to take his 85 mph heater to the softball diamond in Arlington, but San Fran? Good luck keeping that ERA down with the geriatrics you have behind you. At least once a week, Barry Bonds legs will fall off while running after the ball, leading to a record year for inside the park homers, and lots of Sam Crawford references . Doesn't Jack Clark still play for them? Seriously, they could sign Julio Franco and the median age on the team would actually decrease. In other exciting news, this Boras-negotiated contract will mean that Carlos Zambrano has the leverage to make the Cubs beg for mercy, rename Wrigley Field in his honor and provide discounted Old Style to all of his countrymen. Well shit, we better hope Rich Hill pans out.

Bob Knight is poised to become college basketball's all time winningest head coach. All I have to say about that is (long string of expletives. choking myself. throwing chair down the hallway, narrowly missing the cat. more expletives. burying my face in red sweater, sobbing.)

The NFL caused quite a little stir by moving the Bears-Packers game to 7:00 on New Years Eve, using the power of the flex schedule to thwart many New Years plans for my fellow Chicagoans. My plans had included watching the game while getting drunk on the couch by myself, leading to a icy stare from my wife which says 'Happy New Year Asshole' better than any greeting card ever could. Fortunately, this switch in times does not affect my plans.

Kurt Warner takes to the field once again, riding a white steed (no, not Brenda) into San Diego to lead the Arizona Football Cardinals to what will surely be a disappointing and most likely, embarrassing loss. But there is hope. Kurt has turned to using a pair of 'gloves' when he plays to reduce his fumblitis. These gloves will surely make him more mobile and increase his escapability tenfold. They are also good for seducing ladies and hitting those tough inside pitches. Fearless prediction: Cardinals 23 Chargers 17. Kurt Warner 1 The Devil 0. Stem Cell Research in Missouri 1 Kurt Warner 0.

The Iowa Hawkeyes take on the Texas Longhorns in the vaunted Alamo Bowl. The Alamo Bowl. Iowa's default bowl for the years in which they suck. Texas, fresh off a national championship, gets stuck with a crummy 6 win team, and doesn't even get to travel. Drew Tate will try in vain to work some Big Texas Magic only to find out that his other players all have the and heart of a 'Elf'-era Jon Favreau (look at how fat he is. That is just unhealthy. And the irony is that he's playing a doctor. Pashaw!), not the 'Rudy'-era one. Fearless prediction: Texas 31 Iowa 13. Ouch. Hayden Fry's mustache 1 Matthew McConaughey's stubby arms 0.

How bout them Northern Iowa Panthers! The alma mater is looking tough in basketball again this year. Certainly the best team in Iowa, which is like being the hottest chick at truck stop diner at 2AM. You just don't know what you're getting. Is it even a woman? But I'm thinking we can at least advance past the first round in the tourney this year, much to the chagrin of Billy Packer.

Rants: Not having a long Christmas break like in college, lamenting, everyone sending/giving/bringing 'sweets' to work for the holidays (how bout a meat and cheese tray? Some Omaha Steaks? Fuck sugar cookies.), guys that do somersaults into a bar to announce their entrance, trying to keep up with drinkers who dwarf your tolerance, trying to pick a fight and then ending it in a warm embrace, Brett Favre man crushes, 'unrated versions' of DVDs.

Raves: Gift Cards, overeating/drinking, 'Kissology Volume I' (the ONLY Kiss DVD you need), the passage of time, breaded pork tenderloins, America: The Book, post-Christmas sales (and getting it online instead of braving the crowds), Topolobampo, finding a good sushi place that delivers.


Happy New Year. Mel says, 'Drink responsibly, but don't let the Jews spoil all your fun!'

Go Panthers! UNI vs. Iowa Tonight

It's only three hours until Hawk Panther Time!

When it comes to basketball, I hate the Iowa Hawkeyes. Wait, wait, wait, let me go back. I used to love the Hawkeyes. Then that ass clown Steve Alfraud came to town and made a mockery of the program. After the way he handled the Pierre Pierce debacle I have imposed a personal boycott of the team until his ass is out of Iowa City.

Luckily for me, my alma mater, the University of Northern Iowa has been pretty decent in recent years, making it to the tournament the last three seasons. And tonight the two face off in their annual game, which should once again be a good one to watch. Of course, unless you live in or near Eastern Iowa, or you have the ESPN Full Court package, you probably won't get to see this. In recent years the home team usually wins, with the Hawks getting the upperhand at Carver-Hawkeye, and the Panthers taking advantage in the UNI-Dome. Tonight's game is at Iowa so you'd have to consider them the favorites.

UNI, has looked good so far this year, with their only loss coming to #15 Washington. Last week they beat Iowa State, (Who just lost to Drake by the way. Seriously, no one loses to Drake!) but Iowa should be a tougher foe than the Cyclones. Leading the Panthers are seniors Brooks McKowen and Grant Stout, and junior Eric Coleman. McKowen has taken over at guard for sharp-shooting Ben Jacobsen who graduated last year, while Stout and Coleman have provided the Panthers with a tough frontcourt. Coleman is averaging 8.7 rebounds per game while Stout has 8.0. UNI is known for their tough defense as opponents are damn lucky to score more than 65-70 points in a game against them.

Iowa is led by senior guard Adam Haluska, who's averaging 18.5 ppg. After dropping four straight games to Alabama, Villanova, Arizona State and Virginia Tech, the Hawkeyes have bounced back with two wins over cupcakes Coppin State and Texas Pan-American.

So here's to the Panthers trouncing the goddamn Hawkeyes tonight. Of course with the way things have gone in the past regarding the home teams, I'm pretty much figuring Iowa to win this one. Go Panthers, and go Missouri Valley Conference while we're at it. Let's have another great showing in March Madness and prove to the country yet again that Billy Packer is the biggest douchebag of them all, because let's face it, seeing a mid-major kick ass is better than watching the seventh best team in a power conference go nowhere in the tourney.