TMS MLB Preview '08 - NL West

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. Today we finally wrap this motherfucker up with the NL West. Chaim, LB, Daft Funk, and Governor Gray Davis offer their expertise on how this division is shaping for 2008.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

1. LOS ANGELES DODGERS by Governor Gray Davis
2007: 82-80 (4th)

So Long: OF Luis Gonzalez, P Mark Hendrickson, C Mike Lieberthal, P David Wells, P Randy Wolf, P Rudy Seanez

Welcome: C Gary Bennett, OF Andruw Jones, P Hiroki Kuroda

Yes, He's Still On the Team: P Jason Schmidt


PROJECTED LINEUP
1. SS Rafael Furcal
2. LF Andre Ethier
3. C Russell Martin
4. 2B Jeff Kent
5. CF Andruw Jones
6. RF Matt Kemp
7. 1B James Loney
8. 3B vacant

Starting Rotation - Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Chad Billingsley, Hiroki Kuroda, Esteban Loaiza
Setup - Scott Proctor, Jonathan Broxton, Joe Beimel
Closer - Takashi Saito

The Dodgers' off-season strategy seemed to be sit around, do nothing, and wait for the rest of the division to get worse. With the exception of Arizona, mission accomplished. Unfortunately, literally doing nothing wasn't an option and OCD GM Ned Colletti has to make sure the team has too many outfielders or Jodie Foster will die. To this end, the Dodgers signed AndrEw Jones. If you're a regular reader, by now you know AndrEw is on the official shit list, so I won't bore you again. Suffice it to say, because of his salary (which is almost as fat as he is) Dodger fans can now look forward to paying $25 for a plate of nachos while we watch him strike out 150 times a year. Yippie.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Joe Torre - Screwed by Steinbrenner, Torre is looking to prove he still has it in Los Angeles. He's also looking to spread the "family business" to Los Angeles. In fact, if I hadn't named him Mr. Sexy Time, I would get whacked and thrown in the LA River.

Take This Job and Shove It: Third Base - With Mr. Mia Hamm and Gingerbread LaRoche injured again, the third base job is up for grabs.......just as it has been for the last two decades or so. The Dodgers will be holding open tryouts this Wednesday at a Best Buy parking lot in Pasadena. All you have to do is be the first one in line at 8am and the job is yours.

The Bitter First Wife: Vero Beach, FL - After 60 years, the Dodgers have divorced their first Spring Training wife, Vero Beach. She's old and insists on dying her hair blue. Not Dodger Blue, just blue. With plenty of money in the 401k, the Dodgers are re-locating to Phoenix and will be banging ASU coeds two at a time starting next Spring.

FOR MORE READING
Dodger Blues
Sons of Steve Garvey
Dodger Thoughts


2. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS also by Governor Gray Davis
2007: 90-72 (1st)

SO LONG: 3B Jeff Cirillo, 1B Tony Clark, P Livan Hernandez, P Jose Valverde, P Bob Wickman

WELCOME: P Dan Haren, OF Trot Nixon, P Chad Qualls

PROJECTED ORDER
1. Chris Young CF
2. Orlando Hudson 2B
3. Eric Byrnes LF
4. Conor Jackson 1B
5. Chris Snyder C
6. Mark Reynolds 3B
7. Stephen Drew SS
8. Justin Upton RF

Starting Rotation - Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, Doug Davis, Micah Owings, Edgar Gonzalez
Setup - Chad Qualls, Tony Pena
Closer - Brandon Lyon

The Diamondbacks kick off their 10th anniversary season with what is probably the youngest roster in Major League Baseball. If you set Methuselah aisde, their oldest player is Augie Ojeda, clocking in at 33 years of age. Last year saw the DBacks win the division and sweep the Cubs out of the first round (sorry for the bad memories), only to run into the Jesus-fueled but ultimately doomed Rockies in the NLCS. In 2008 Cactus League play, the offense has been on fire, but the pitching has been pathetic. Its OK though, because they play in the NL West, which may be able to reclaim the title NL Worst this season.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Dan Haren...I suppose - Sexy? Not really in any sense of the word, but he was the only acquisition of note for the Diamondbacks this offseason. Trot Nixon couldn't even make the big league club, and frankly, Chad Qualls can go fuck himself with a rusty lamp that shoots sparks even when it isn't plugged in. Haren put up a 3.07 ERA last season in the American League, which should translate to roughly 0.37 in the National League.

Christ, Go Away Already: Randy Johnson - Methuselah will be 45 in September, if he lasts that long. I suspect Arizona may be trying to kill him. His back is made of PVC pipe now after the 4000th surgery on it (the latest on March 25th) and can't be relied upon as a starting pitcher any longer. Its time for Randy and his mullet to go away. There's a double-wide and a case of PBR waiting for him in Apache Junction if he'll just take the bait.

Eli Manning "My Brother is a Douchebag" Award: Stephen Drew - I never hated JD Drew like a lot of people, but the consensus is that he's a douchebag and who am I to argue with the consensus (particularly when I need to give out a third award to this team). Now I know there are a lot of Stephen Drew haters out there in Cubland who will say he is too, but remember, having a douchebag older brother doesn't preclude one from being a douchebag themselves (see again the Manning brothers). To me, he seems OK, but what's with the DBacks drafting all these inbred hillbillies?

FOR MORE READING
AZ Snakepit


3. SAN DIEGO PADRES by Chaim Witz
2007: 89-74 (3rd)

SO LONG: 2B Geoff Blum, OF Milton Bradley, P Doug Brocail, OF Mike Cameron, P Jack Cassel, 3B Morgan Ensberg, 2B Marcus Giles, P Ryan Ketchner, OF Jason Lane, OF Rob Mackowiak, P Brett Tomko

WELCOME: 1B Tony Clark, OF Jeff DaVanon, 1B Robert Fick, 2B Tadahito Iguchi, P Mark Prior, P Randy Wolf

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Brad Giles RF
2. Tadahito Iguchi 2B
3. Kevin Kouzmanoff 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez 1B
5. Khalil Greene SS
6. Paul McAnulty LF
7. Scott Hairston CF
8. Josh Bard C

Starting Rotation - Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Greg Maddux, Randy Wolf, Justin Germano
Setup - Cla Meredith
Closer - Trevor Hoffman

Every year you'd like to write the Padres off, and looking at their uninspiring lineup card, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. Yet every year, playing in the dead zone known as the NL West, they compete for the division crown. They enter the playoffs, scare no one and by the second week in October are back to eating fish tacos and having beach parties, or whatever people do in California. They face the opposite problem of the Rockies, who can't recruit any good pitchers to play in the unfairly lambasted Coors Field. What hitter wants to play in Petco and see home runs turn into long singles? Thus, their team is a sort of weird mixture of young and old, injury prone and castoffs from other teams...their team indentity is as big of a mystery as Jason Bourne. Will they compete this year? Undoubtedly. Will anyone care? In a word, no.*

*I stopped caring after 1996, when Fernando's short lived resurgence with the Padres ended. A small part of me died after that.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Greg Maddux - Mr. Sexy Time is theoretically supposed to represent an young up and comer. But San Diego, a very 'sexy' city in and of itself, fields a team every year that is about as sexy as a chain-smoking Marge Schott. Nothing about the Padres is sexy, from their uniforms to their pitcher friendly park, to the gang of castaways they trot onto the field every year. But much like Maddux, who has never been the sexiest member of the '300' club, they get the job done. It may be about as pretty as the omnipresent bags under Mad Dog's eyes, but year in and year out, somehow this team manages to be there right til the bitter end.

Overrated, Like British Accents: Brian Giles - He gets a 'Seriously, This Guy?' from me. I guess he's probably not really rated highly by anybody anymore, except for Padres management, who are content give him a starting job based on past glories and a killer tan. Surfs up dude.

You Son of Bitch: Mark Prior - Both Kerry Wood and Prior will probably be forever linked together, for better or worse, in that they both exhibited tremendous talent and potential at the onset of their careers with the Cubs, only to have been derailed time and time again by injuries. The similarities end there. Cubs fans love Kerry. He's a tough competitor who doesn't make excuses and feels indebted to the team for sticking with him. Prior on the other hand is a prima donna; a no personality whiner who always seemed to resent the fans, the city of Chicago and the Cubs organization. Well Mark, you'll be happy to know that the feeling is mutual. Cubs fans all resent you too, you son of a bitch. I'm glad you're gone so you can stop wrecking our lives and you can stow all of your baggage elsewhere.

FOR MORE READING
Gaslamp Ball
Ducksnorts


4. COLORADO ROCKIES by an inebriated Lingering Bursitis
2007: 90-73 (2nd)

SO LONG: P Jeremy Affeldt, P Elmer Dessens, P Josh Fogg, P LaTroy Hawkins, P Jorge Julio, P Rodrigo Lopez, 2B Kaz Matsui

WELCOME: 2B Marcus Giles, P Josh Towers, P Luis Vizcaino, P Kip Wells

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Willy Taveras CF
2. Troy Tulowitzki SS
3. Todd Helton 1B
4. Matt Holliday LF
5. Garrett Atkins 3B
6. Brad Hawpe RF
7. Yorvit Torrealba C
8. Jayson Nix 2B

Starting Rotation - Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales
Setup - Brian Fuentes, Luis Vizcaino
Closer - Manny Corpas

They're the God Squad. They prayed so fucking hard last season that they made it almost all the way. If you want proof that God doesn't answer and doesn't listen and perhaps doesn't even exist, look at the Colorado Rockies. I guess Boston prayed harder, right?

God bullshit aside, they've got a good young team, with a couple of key oldies to creche it up and babysit. Tulowitski is great, Matt Holliday has boyish good looks and a beast of a batting average, Willy Taveras is fast and stuff, and Garrett Atkins has a name like a country singer. Fuck! [Phoning it in].

Todd Helton and the pre-pubescent rotation are the keys to the season. If Helton can stay fit and marshal things in the middle of the order, they have a chance. If the teen trio of Francis, Morales and Hirsh can pitch deep into games and protect their bullpen, they have a chance. If Clint Hurdle goes on a diet, they have a chance.

Realistically though, they have no fucking chance. Pray up, and pack up. The R0X0Rs are destined for a holier-than-though third place in a tough fucking division. At least they have bibles to keep them busy during the postseason.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: The Lord God himself - You can't hate on God. He works miracles, including hauling these guys' asses into the playoffs last year. He always bats 1.000 for this team. It's just a shame that he took Kaz Matsui away.

Where in the World is...?: Clint Barmes - What happened to this asshole? The guy had a promising future, and then injured himself carrying frozen deer meat up some stairs or something? Who does that? He's a white guy in Colorado living on a fat baseball salary. Have the hired help lug that shit next time. Now, you're who-the-fuck-knows where doing I-don't-give-a-fuck what. And some guy Troy took your place. Ouch, Clint, ouch.

Best left-hander with a weird throwing motion award: Brian Fuentes - This guy is great. He throws all crazy, he's got an acne-scarred face, and he loses the closer's job to some 20-something guy who looks stoned all the time, what with the crazy angle tilt of his cap. [Kids these days]. And yet, his role as the setup man is gonna be fun. He's the kind of pitcher who'll give you 15 scoreless innings, then blow back-to-back saves with 3 ER or more in an inning. He pitches like life, full of ups, downs and weird throwing motions, and I like him.

Plus, I like to imagine that he's related to Daisy Fuentes, and that one day I can meet Brian, be real nice, and score Daisy's phone number. That, and only that, might be enough to dampen the Campbell Brown forest fire that rages in my loins like a force of nature. Sweet Georgia Brown, Campbell.

Oh yes, sorry. Fuentes is a good guy. [Paging editorial, paging editorial.... stop me writing when I'm drunk please. Fact: I wrote this whole thing in 10 minutes]

FOR MORE READING
This.


5. SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS by Daft Funk
2007: 71-91 (5th)

SO LONG: OF Barry Bonds, 3B Pedro Feliz, 1B Ryan Klesko, C Mike Matheny, P Scott Munter, P Russ Ortiz

WELCOME: OF Aaron Rowand

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Dave Roberts LF
2. Ray Durham 2B
3. Randy Winn RF
4. Bengie Molina C
5. Aaron Rowand CF
6. Rich Aurilia 1B
7. Jose Castillo 3B
8. Brian Bocock SS

Starting Rotation - Barry Zito, Matt Cain, Tim Lincecum, Kevin Correia, Jonathan Sanchez
Setup - Steve Kline, Tyler Walker, Brad Hennessey
Closer - Brian Wilson

There's no dancing around this, so I'm just going to come out and say it: The San Francisco Giants are going to be absolute shit this year. Here's a number for you: 254. That's the combined number of years old the Giants 1-8 hitters are. That's an average age of 31.75 years old. Take out this Bocock fella, and that average age bumps up to 33.0. That means that pretty much everyone in the lineup falls into at least 1, if not more, of the following categories:

1. About 5-6 years past being useful
2. Not any good
3. A pitcher

That's why I present you with the number 254 again. That's how many runs the Giants are going to score this season.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Tim Lincecum - I saw this guy pitch at Dodger Stadium last year, and he's the real deal. Unfortunately, his herky-jerky delivery has "arm surgery" written all over it. But you gotta love this picture of him. "Sexytime" indeed. How old is this guy, 12?

Unrest In The Middle East Makes Me Give Up Runs: The Giants Pitching Staff - Practically everyone on the Giants' staff is being lit up like a Christmas tree this spring. I know that Spring Training stats don't count and all that jazz, but it's not like their starting 5 were setting the world on fire last year either. I'm going to set up a chart on my desk and watch the Giants team ERA and gas/oil prices go up all summer long side by side. Things are bad when you can kick Russ Ortiz out of your rotation and somehow it's worse than before.

The Reason To Tie Your Child's Right Arm To Their Body: Barry Zito - Zito proved once again that as long as you're a lefty and you can have only one great year, you'll be overrated forever. Combine that with a terrible pitching market, such as the one in the 2006/2007 offseason, and you've got yourself $100+ million to suck for the rest of your career. How bad is Zito? Defying both physics and God's will, he switched from the AL to one of the better pitchers parks in the NL and still sucked a hard one.

FOR MORE READING
McCovey Chronicles
Generic MLB Giants' Site
El Lefty Malo

TMS MLB Preview '08 - NL Central

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. Today we move on to the Senior Circuit. Next on our list is the NL Central, a division which may have a winner with no more than 85 wins! Chaim, Daft Funk, Dave Thomas, and Brant Brown offer their expertise on how this division is shaping for 2008.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

1. CHICAGO CUBS by Daft Funk
2007: 85-77 (1st)

SO LONG: OF Cliff Floyd, OF Jacque Jones, C Jason Kendall, P Mark Prior, P Steve Trachsel

WELCOME: IF Alex Cintron, OF Kosuke Fukudome, P Jon Lieber

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Alfonso Soriano LF
2. Ryan Theriot SS
3. Derrek Lee 1B
4. Aramis Ramirez 3B
5. Kosuke Fukudome RF
6. Mark DeRosa 2B
7. Geovany Soto C
8. Felix Pie CF

Rotation - Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Rich Hill, Jason Marquis, Jon Lieber, Ryan Dempster, Sean Marshall
Setup - Scott Eyre, Bob Howry
Closer - Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol

Did you see the line to kick this whole thing off? When you can say "So long" to Cliff Floyd, Kendall and Trachsel, even if you don't get anything in return, that should be worth at least 15 extra wins on the upcoming season. The offense, as it did last year, looks stacked. Now if only the Cubs would start mashing the ball right off the bat instead of waiting till September to do so like last year, we'll have something special going this season. Would Brian Roberts look good at the top of the Cubs lineup? Sure thing! Would Chaim's mom look stellar in a thong bikini? Absolutely...but that doesn't mean that it's gonna happen. (What? It did? Awesome.).

We here at the Saloon hope that, one way or another, this Brian Roberts cocktease gets finished and finished soon. I think it would be good to get Roberts, but only if we don't have to give up more than 2 starting pitchers. Last year, the Cubs were blessed with incredible health in their starting rotation, and I wouldn't guarantee being that lucky again next year. The bullpen should be decent, especially in the back end, with Wood, Howry and Marmol all capable of closing. Unless major injuries strike, expect the Cubs to win about 95 games and another Central division title.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: 3B Aramis Ramirez- Aramis has been one of the most consistent Cubs over the last few years. He's consistent with the bat and consistently banged up all the time. It seems like every year, Aramis has a stretch where no pitcher can get him out, a stretch that abruptly ends when he pulls a hamstring or has some back trouble or sprains a finger. Not this year. I expect a full year from Ramirez, with a potential .310-40-120 season on the horizon, which would make him a solid MVP candidate.

Century Club Award: Have you ever heard of the century club? That's where you attempt to drink one shot glass full of beer every minute for 100 minutes. That may not sound like much, but it comes out to drinking over 12 beers in under 2 hours. And you aren't allowed to get up from the seat you're on. Going to the bathroom and vomiting are also not allowed. There's a variation of the century club called the Atomic Century Club where every 10th shot is tequila or vodka. How would one feel after attempting such a feat? Probably the same as I feel every time every single person in the whole world that sees me wearing a Cubs hat reminds me that the Cubs haven't won the Series in a century as if I hadn't heard that a billion times already!!!

I Pulled One Of These On Your Mom Once: Kosuke Fukudome - No matter how you say it, it still sounds something you would see in a really dirty movie, and then get slapped when you suggested to your wife that you try it at home.

Mr. Lifetime Achievement Award: Kerry Wood - What's not to love about Kerry Wood? He never complains, he took a baseball bat to Sammy Sosa's boombox, took the blame for the Game 7 loss to the Marlins, turned down what could have been much more money from other teams to remain with the Cubs out of loyalty, etc. Basically, Kerry Wood is the anti Mark Prior. If I have one guy to give the ball to when I need just one inning, any guy in the entire league, I'm going with Wood. Sure, some others may have better stuff (although Woody has been hitting 97 on the radar gun pretty consistently this spring), but no one has more intensity and willpower than Kerry Wood. This guy is nails. How many times did he bail out the bullpen late in crucial games last season? How money was he in the 2003 NLDS against the Braves? I think one of Wood's worst problems in the past was lack of concentration at times, but now that he'll most likely be pitching the 9th with a slim lead, that shouldn't be a problem. Write in 35 saves with an ERA south of 3.00.

FOR MORE READING
Goat Riders of the Apocalypse
The View From the Bleachers
Hire Jim Essian
The Cub Reporter

2. CINCINNATI REDS by Dave Thomas
2007: 72-90 (5th)

SO LONG: P Eddie Guardado, OF Josh Hamilton, P Eric Milton

WELCOME: P Jeremy Affeldt, C Paul Bako, P Jose Capellan, P Francisco Cordero, P Josh Fogg, OF Jerry Hairston Jr., OF Corey Patterson, P Edinson Volquez, OF Craig Wilson

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Jay Bruce Corey Patterson CF
2. Adam Dunn LF
3. Brandon Phillips 2B
4. Ken Griffey Jr. RF
5. Edwin Encarnacion 3B
6. Scott Hatteberg 1B
7. Alex Gonzalez SS
8. David Ross C

Rotation - Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Josh Fogg, Matt Belisle, Homer Bailey
Setup - Mike Stanton, David Weathers, Bill Bray
Closer - Francisco Cordero

The 2008 season for the Cincinnati Reds can be summed up with one word: Potential. They have an incredible amount of young talent and enough veterans on the squad to improve on the team’s performance last year. However, this simply isn’t going to happen with Dusty Baker behind the wheel. Instead of cruising to the finish line with Joey Votto and Homer Bailey fighting over the toys in their Happy Meals in the back seat while Adam Dunn and Aaron Harang watch movies in the captains chairs, Dusty will nod off, miss his exit, and then suddenly wake up and overcorrect right into those big yellow barrels full of the crushed sandy dreams of Reds fans everywhere.

The rest of Cincinnati's situation is a question mark, as always. Will Griffey sit for half the season? Will Phillips develop into a good cleanup hitter? Is it possible to eat Skyline Chili without dedicating an afternoon to pissing right out of my ass? Well, maybe some things are set in stone. A lot still comes down to Dusty, who has already mentioned that he’s sick of guys like Adam Dunn taking pitches (waiting for the right pitch instead of swinging just "to be aggressive") and drawing walks to clog up the base paths. In other news Votto has hit .289/.385/.476 in the minors. Dusty wants to change his plate approach. Genius.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time - Joey Votto: Joey Votto has been absolutely tearing up the minor leagues and could be a stud at 1B for a while. He's pretty much universally regarded as the best hitting prospect in the minors and if he's actually allowed to play this guy has the potential to put up some sick numbers.

The Dr. Andrews Rewards Member Award - It would be easy to give this award to Ken "breakable" Griffey Jr. but I think this year we may see another career ruined. Dusty is going to test the limits of how many innings Aaron Harang can pitch. My guess is we're going to see somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 innings. By July. Can't wait to see how far his arm flies when it snaps off.

FOR MORE READING
Red Reporter
Reds (and Blues)
Red Hot Mama

3. MILWAUKEE BREWERS by Daft Funk
2007: 83-79 (2nd)

SO LONG: P Francisco Cordero, 2B Tony Graffanino, OF Geoff Jenkins, P Ray King, 3B Corey Koskie, P Scott Linebrink, OF Kevin Mench, C Damian Miller, P Matt Wise

WELCOME: 3B Russell Branyan, OF Mike Cameron, P Eric Gagne, C Jason Kendall, 3B Abraham Nunez, P David Riske

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Rickie Weeks 2B
2. J.J. Hardy SS
3. Ryan Braun LF
4. Prince Fielder 1B
5. Corey Hart RF
6. Bill Hall 3B
7. Mike Cameron CF
8. Jason Kendall C

Rotation - Ben Sheets, Jeff Suppan, Dave Bush, Yovani Gallardo (DL), Carlos Villanueva, Claudio Vargas, Manny Parra
Setup - Salomon Torres, David Riske, Derrick Turnbow
Closer - Eric Gagne

The Brewers seem a bit overrated to me this season. Sure, they jumped out to a great start last year and gave the Cubs a run for their money until the final days of the season, but remember how bad the Cubs started the season last year? If the Cubs had been playing even average baseball over the first two months or so of 2007, the Brewers would have been seen as nothing more than a solid, but unspectacular team.

But this doesn't mean they don't have potential. Take a look at that lineup. What if Rickie Weeks lives up to even part of his massive potential? What if J.J. Hardy plays like it's April all season? What if Bill Hall thinks it's 2006 again? I know these are huge "if's", but it shows you the offensive potential the Brew Crew has. When you trot out a 1-7 that could potentially hit 25/25/40/50/30/25/20 home runs respectively, it doesn't matter that you have Jason Kendall in your lineup.

What could hold the Brewers back this year? Well, their lineup could get hurt/under-perform, they could choke under the pressure of their own expectations (again) and their pitching staff could (and probably will) completely implode. I look at their rotation and say "Ewww..." I look at their bullpen and say "EWWW!" There will be many a home run hit in Miller Park this season.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Ryan Braun - Ryan missed a good part of 2007 while in the minors and still put up a dick-droppingly good season. If you stretch his numbers out over 162 games, he would have ended up with a line of .324-49-139-130-22. And that was his first season in the bigs. Fear the Braun.

"You ain't from 'round here, are ya, boy?" - Prince Fielder: Over the offseason, Prince Fielder became a vegetarian. You know what's probably not a good idea? Publicly admitting to giving up meat and attempting to be healthy in the middle of Wisconsin! Remember, people from Wisconsin love only 3 things; Favre, fireworks, and stuffing yourself with as much meat and cheese as possible. Mr. Fielder, you fit in well with the natives last year because you looked just like most Brewer fans (a "fat guy"). But keep making decisions like this one, and you;ll be run out of town. What next, are you going to argue that Robin Yount wasn't a better player than Babe Ruth? Because he was. Ask any Milwaukee fan and he'll tell ya.

Heil, Sausage! - It was just brought to my attention that in the immortal Sausage Race, the Italian Sausage's name is "Guido". Yes, you read that right. What, were "Honkey" and "Gringo" busy on selection day? With a Polish sausage and a chorizo (They make it wear a sombrero! Racists!) also in the race, expect more racial slurs to follow. And if the sausage race really is run by Nazis, would that make Randall Simon the Allies?

FOR MORE READING
Brew Crew Ball
Brewers Bar
Al's Ramblings


4. HOUSTON ASTROS by Huell Howser
2007: 73-89 (4th)

SO LONG: SS Eric Bruntlett, 2B Chris Burke, 2B Craig Biggio, SS Adam Everett, P Jason Jennings, 3B Mike Lamb, P Brad Lidge, P Trever Miller, OF Orlando Palmeiro, P Chad Qualls, OF Luke Scott

WELCOME: 2B Geoff Blum, OF Michael Bourn, P Doug Brocail, P Jake Cassel, P Shawn Chacon, OF Jose Cruz Jr., OF Darin Erstad, P Geoff Geary, OF Nick Gorneault, 2B Kazuo Matsui, P Chad Paronto, P Jose Valverde

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Michael Bourn CF
2. Kazuo Matsui 2B
3. Miguel Tejada SS
4. Lance Berkman 1B
5. Carlos Lee LF
6. Hunter Pence RF
7. Ty Wigginton 3B
8. J.R. Towles C

Rotation - Roy Oswalt, Woody Williams, Wandy Rodriguez, Brandon Backe, Shawn Chacon, Chris Sampson
Setup - some guy
Closer - Jose Valverde

Mr Sexytime: Cecil Cooper - After reading this article, I think the 2008 Astros slogan should be "The 2008 Astros: 8% More Black!" How did the Astros come to this frame of mind? I think they watched this clip and decided that the same principal could be applied to a baseball team.

FOR MORE READING
The Astros Dugout
The Juice Box
The Crawfish Boxes

5. PITTSBURGH PIRATES by Chaim Witz
2007: 68-94 (6th)

SO LONG: P Tony Armas, P Shawn Chacon, OF Brad Eldred, SS Cesar Izturis

WELCOME: P T.J. Beam, P Elmer Dessens, 3B Chris Gomez, P Byung-Hyun Kim, 1B Doug Mientkiewicz, SS Jorge Velandia, P Jaret Wright

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Nate McLouth CF
2. Freddy Sanchez 2B
3. Jason Bay LF
4. Adam LaRoche 1B
5. Xavier Nady RF
6. Jose Bautista 3B
7. Ronny Paulino C
8. Jack Wilson SS

Rotation - Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny, Matt Morris, Paul Maholm, Zach Duke
Setup - Damaso Marte
Closer - Matt Capps

Well, on the positive side, the Steel City has purged itself from Tracyball, a scourge that is indigenous to both the Northeast and Southern California. They also axed Dave Littlefield, a GM so bad that he made Isiah Thomas look competent and sane. They are one year shy of tying the all-time record for the most consecutive losing seasons. One would think, with that track record of futility that they'd be able to at least acquire some good prospects through the draft. After all, they've been picking near the top for damn near 16 years now. Go ahead and think that, but you'd be wrong. Kris Benson. JJ Davis. Bobby Bradley. Sean Burnett. Bryan Bullington. Brad Lincoln. Daniel Moskos. Clinton Johnson. You'd be correct in wondering 'Who the hell are these guys and where can I get some nudes of Anna Benson?' Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the Pirates first-round draft picks over the years.

There are some things to like in Pittsburgh, but nothing that inspires confidence. Nate McLouth seems like he could be good in theory and Matt Capps has the makings of a stud closer. Freddy Sanchez is scrappy and Adam LaRoche is better than his brother. The Pirates are 'cute' and 'scrappy', but that's not enough to break a streak of 15 straight losing seasons.

Thus, for inspiration, I will quote Trent from Swingers. Take his words to heart young Bucs.

Trent: I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF/1B Steve Pearce - So sexy that he's starting out in AAA! He's 25 years old and is the organization's #2 prospect. His line last year in the minors? .337 BA, 221 hits, 31 HRS, 114 RBIS, all in 487 ABS. All that and he was leading the big league club in dongs this spring. So of course, management gives him some Subway coupons and puts him on the first Greyhound to Indianapolis. Gotta see what this Nady, Xavier kid can do. Don't abandon your boy Pittsburgh.

You Sir, Are No Xavier McDaniel: OF Xavier Nady - (Opening dictionary. Looking up the word 'poop'. Giggling. Looking up the word 'mediocre'. Feigning shock that Websters would actually include a photo of Xavier Nady. Seriously? Is that even allowed? Stopping suddenly upon the stark realization that you're...reading. the. dictionary.)

Sam Cassell Called. He Wants His Rugged Good Looks Back: SP Tom Gorzelanny - Seriously. Not cute. His chompers actually have an arrest warrant issued for them. Dead or alive. Superficiality aside, the boy can pitch well enough, all things considered. He teams with Ian Snell, the poor man's Chazz Zambrano, to give the Pirates at least an outside shot at winning 2 out of every 5 games. He qualifies as a 'crafty lefty'. Fellow starter Matt Morris? He's what we call a 'shitty righty'.

FOR MORE READING
Honest Wagner
Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke?
Raul Mondesi's House


6. ST. LOUIS CARDINALS by Brant Brown
2007: 78-84 (3rd)

SO LONG: C Gary Bennett, 3B Russell Branyan, 2B Miguel Cairo, SS David Eckstein, P Troy Percival, 3B Scott Rolen, C Kelly Stinnett, OF So Taguchi, P Kip Wells, OF Preston Wilson

WELCOME: P Dewon Brazelton, P Matt Clement, SS Cesar Izturis, P Ron Flores, 2B D'Angelo Jimenez, C Jason LaRue, P Kyle Lohse, C Josh Phelps, P Ron Villone, P John Wasdin

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Skip Schumaker RF
2. Chris Duncan/Brian Barton LF
3. Albert Pujols 1B
4. Rick Ankiel CF
5. Troy Glaus 3B
6. Adam Kennedy 2B
7. Yadier Molina C
8. Cesar Izturis SS

Rotation - Adam Wainwright, Kyle Lohse, Joel Pineiro, Braden Looper, Matt Clement, Todd Wellemeyer, Anthony Reyes
Setup - Russ Springer, Ryan Franklin
Closer - Jason Isringhausen

NOTES - Oh man. This is gonna be bad. If there's one team that will drive a player or manager to drinking, it's the Cardinals. I mean, just look at this roster. Did you hear that woosh sound? That was ownership flushing away 10 players from last years team, only 10 worse players came right back up into the toilet bowl. Well, at least they still have So Taguchi. What? Are you kidding me? They even got rid of him? Matt Clement? Cesar Izturis? Their big signing was Kyle Lohse? Wow, this will be a monumentally rough year in St. Louis.

Albert Pujols has a bum elbow and will likely need surgery at some point during the season. He's a tough guy, so he's going to wait it out and do more damage to the elbow before he opts for surgery though. C'mon Albert, suck it up and take care of yourself. This team isn't going anywhere with or without you. When your best offensive player will likely be a 29 year old former pitching prospect from your own system, you've got a long road ahead. I can't say it enough. This is going to be one hellish year on the city of St. Louis. They can hope all they want for Chris Carpenter to come back healthy, but that's not much to hang your hat on. Troy Glaus and his K's and won't do much good here. Does Adam Kennedy still have braces?

You could say that they cleaned up the clubhouse tension by getting rid of Scott Rolen, but I wonder how the players feel about his absence. LaRussa is in his death throes as manager. Why go out of your way to make him happy. They need to cut ties with LaRussa and start fresh. Personally, I'm glad to see Jim Edmonds gone, that ass-hat.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time - Steven Jackson: Jackson took a bit of a step back in 2007 compared to his output in 2006. He played in four fewer games due to injury, but put up a whopping eight less touchdowns than in 2006, and dropped over 500 total rushing yards. Heading into next season, Jackson.......huh? What's that? Oh, baseball? Oh, wrong St. Louis team. Baseball you say? The Cardinals? No, they don't have anybody that could be deemed sexy.

The Kirby Puckett "I Can't See So Good" Award - Juan Encarnacion: Terrible freak accident for Encarnacion. We shouldn't make light of such things. However, it's the Cardinals, so it's probably some sort of karma for the atrocities of 2006.

Team Most Valuable (HGH) Purchaser - Rick Ankiel: Shaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmme! Shaaaaaaaaammmmmmmme! Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnn! Shuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn!

FOR MORE READING
Viva El Birdos
Cardinals Diaspora
That's a Winner

TMS MLB Preview '08 - NL East

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. Today we move on to the Senior Circuit. First on our list is the NL East, ESPN's favorite division next to the AL East. Chaim, LB, Daft Funk, and The Hundley offer their expertise on how this division is shaping for 2008.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

1. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES by Chaim Witz
2007: 89-73 (1st)

So Long: P Antonio Alfonseca, C Rod Barajas, OF Michael Bourn, P Freddy Garcia, P Geoff Geary, 2B Tadahito Iguchi, P Jon Lieber, P Kyle Lohse, P Jose Mesa, 3B Abraham Nunez, OF Aaron Rowand

Welcome: P Kris Benson, Anna Benson's breasts, 3B Eric Bruntlett, P Chad Durbin, 3B Pedro Feliz, P Brad Lidge, OF Geoff Jenkins, OF Chris Snelling, OF So Taguchi

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Shane Victorino CF
2. Jimmy Rollins SS
3. Chase Utley 2B
4. Ryan Howard 1B
5. Pat Burrell LF
6. Geoff Jenkins RF
7. Pedro Feliz 3B
8. Carlos Ruiz C

Starting Rotation - Cole Hamels, Brett Myers, Jamie Moyer, Kyle Kendrick, Adam Eaton
Setup - Tom Gordon, Ryan Madson
Closer - Brad Lidge

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to say about the Phillies. They'll compete, sure, but looking at this lineup, it reeks of the Texas Rangers of recent and Detroit Tigers of old. Lots of big bats and a bunch of stiffs (excepting Cole Hamels) on the mound. Adam Eaton? Kyle Kendrick? Brad Lidge. Oh Lord. A dove just cried. So, in light of my ignorance, I give you the Top 5 places in Philly to grab a cheesesteak, courtesy of our good friends at 'the google'!

1. Jim's Steaks
2. Abner's
3. Dalessandro's Steaks
4. Pat's King of Steaks
5. Geno's Steaks

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: SS Jimmy Rollins - The Phillies have a lot of sexiness to choose from. Utley, Hamels, Howard, Rollins...Moyer. You could conceivably have sex with all of them, at the same time even, if that's your thing. But only one of them took home the MVP hardware last year. Jimmy Rollins has the swagger, the hitting streak and the record label. He's like P-Diddy, but talented. So what would that make him, Jay-Z? I defer any rap/hip-hop related questions, comments and distinctions to resident expert 'Lingering Bursitis' (rolls off the tongue doesn't it?) He's the man to see for those matters.

Oh My God, Don't Hit Me!: SP Brett Myers - You didn't think this award was in reference to him being a wife beater did you? Shit. No. I simply meant that he throws the ball with such velocity that it strikes the fear of God into opposing batters...I mean, it would bruise and...oh God no. Brett Myers is a man of principles. I imagine he's probably been born-again and has put that ugly incident behind him, like Scott Erickson. Or Mike Tyson. (Pause) OJ?

Overrated, Like Vampire Weekend: The Phillie Phanatic - Seriously, what is the deal with this oversized, green child molester? This fat son of a bitch is the posterchild for both obesity and mental illness. What kind of lessons is he teaching our children? According to Wikipedia, the Phanatic was voted 'Best Mascot Ever' by Sports Illustrated for Kids. Really? Cause I think that my friend the San Diego Chicken, has something to say about that. The Drunk Hobo also states that in the 2007 NLDS, he (it?) started the short lived "Whammy Hand". This was quickly halted upon the realization that Brett Myers had that move copyrighted. Hey-OOO!

FOR MORE READING
The Good Phight
Beerleaguer
We Should Be GM's


2. NEW YORK METS by Lingering Bursitis
2007: 88-74 (2nd)

SO LONG: C Sandy Alomar Jr., C Mike DiFelice, C Johnny Estrada, P Tom Glavine, OF Carlos Gomez, OF Shawn Green, P Philip Humber, C Paul Lo Duca, OF Lastings Milledge, P Kevin Mulvey, P Aaron Sele

WELCOME: P Tony Armas, OF Ryan Church, OF Brady Clark, OF Angel Pagan, IF Olmedo Saenz, P Johan Santana, C Brian Schneider, P Matt Wise

PROJECTED ORDER
1. Jose Reyes SS
2. Luis Castillo 2B
3. Carlos Beltran CF
4. Carlos Delgado 1B
5. David Wright 3B
6. Moises Alou LF
7. Ryan Church RF
8. Brian Schneider/Ramon Castro C

Starting Rotation - Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, John Maine, Orlando Hernandez, Oliver Perez, Jason Vargas
Setup - Aaron Heilman, Ambiorix Burgos
Closer - Billy Wagner

I live in New York, and I love baseball. However, I grow incredibly tired of the Mets/Yankees wank-off that populates the airwaves. I'm sick of both of them, and I wish a steroid-stuffed Roger Clemens would swoop down from the clouds and devour both stadiums, managers, owners and rosters. Man, that would be awesome.

The Mets love two things: signing Latin players and making sure that they have the highest number of transactions. This off-season was no disappointment in either area, as they brought in the best pitcher in the history of the world [Johan Santana] while booting out 11 players from their '07 squad. Well done, Omar Minaya!

They look strong yet again from top-to-bottom through the order (although they have perhaps the worst catcher tandem in the NL), except for their defense. Alou and Church are the corner outfielders... they'd be better off cloning someone with Bonds' penchant for laziness and Manny Ramirez' stomach to man left and right.

They're also thinner than Keira Knightley. If any of the injury-prone, 30-something crew goes down, there's precious little to replace them with. Delgado, Alou and Pedro all missed time last season, and although they have white America's baseball dreamboat in David Wright, even he wasn't enough to stop them choking last season. (Oh, and the fact that Jose "I'm like Hanley Ramirez, except more expensive and less talented" Reyes hit like .211 in September)

It's an obvious, self-fulfilling prophecy in the making, one that's dogged the other New York-based team that I also hate: tons of hype, tons of promise, an all-Star lineup, big signings and ultimately, unfulfilled potential. They might bash their way through the summer to win the East, but they'll come unstuck come playoff time. Fuck the Mets.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: 3B David Wright - Uh, milky white, hits home runs, plays a mean third base, has a smile that instantly removes the panties of all women aged 22-27, gives a good interview, never puts a foot wrong, solved a Rubik's Cube in eleven seconds, prays every night.

Are You Paul Bako in disguise?: C Brian Schneider - It's a good thing you call a reasonable game behind the plate, as you're poison with a bat. This is the best the Mets could do once they got rid of all their catchers? .235, 6 HR, 54 RBI last season?

Check his birth certificate: SP Orlando Hernandez - Should Pedro falter due to injuries again, Santana's gonna need some help from the back end of the rotation. John Maine is young and serviceable like Sunny Lane, but this old bastard will have to put in his innings this season and not force Willie Randolph to run down to AA and AAA to pull young arms up from the farm before they're ready. He's 42 or so this season, and managed 53 starts in '06 and '07. They'll need 20-25 from him again this year to keep the boat steady.

FOR MORE READING
Metstradamus
Yes Joe, It's Toasted


3. ATLANTA BRAVES by The Hundley
2007: 84-78 (3rd)

SO LONG: P Joey Devine, P Octavio Dotel, 1B Julio Franco, OF Willie Harris, OF Andruw Jones, P Ron Mahay, P Chad Paronto, 3B Chris Woodward, SS Edgar Renteria

WELCOME: P Matt DeSalvo, P Tom Glavine, SS Omar Infante, OF Mark Kotsay, P Will Ohman

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Kelly Johnson 2B
2. Yunel Escobar SS
3. Chipper Jones 3B
4. Mark Teixeira 1B
5. Brian McCann C
6. Jeff Francoeur RF
7. Matt Diaz LF
8. Mark Kotsay CF

Starting Rotation - John Smoltz, Tim Hudson, Tom Glavine, Mike Hampton, Chuck James, Jair Jurrjens, Jo-Jo Reyes
Setup - Royce Ring
Closer - Rafael Soriano

Is this team fun to write off, or what? Every year they seem to get older in their starting staff, yet they continue to churn out overachieving performances. Equally impressive is the Braves ability to keep churning out prospects and developing other team's leftovers and castoffs. Once again this year, Bobby Cox has his work cut out for him, losing two offensive and defensive mainstays in Andruw Jones and Edgar Renteria. Enter someone named Escobar (Colombian druglord?) and the Mike Morgan of the late aughts, Mark Kotsay. The offense still should have some pop with Chipper, Tex, McCann, and the Frenchman in right. The Bravos hung tough last year, with playoff aspirations until late in the season, but barring a Bobby Cox miracle, America's Team will have a hard time competing in a tough NL East behind NY and Philly.

Always the strong point of the team, the pitching staff will have to overachieve again to be competitive. The starting staff better hope they can continue to bathe in the Fountain of Youth (but without Julio Franco, can they find it?) because the bullpen is shaky. They certainly will need to find some middle relief and Soriano is already showing injury problems in the spring, coupled with his lack of closing experience. Best pray for big offensive outputs, which may be wishful thinking. They were even desperate enough to sign Will Ohman. Good luck. Pitching coach Roger McDowell might have to keep his arm warm and be ready to go.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: 1B Mark Teixeira - He flourished after moving over from Texas last season, boasting an OBP above .400 and belting a home run every 12 at bats while providing Gold Glove-caliber defense at first. Hard to believe he's still only 27 years old.

Inaugural Chief Illiniwek Award: Chief Noc-A-Homa - We want you back! And with the Braves rarely selling out, you can put your tee pee back in the outfield bleachers. The tomahawk chop isn't the same without you. Chief Noc-A-Homa forever! Homer and Rally never!

How Has This Guy Not Been Accused of PEDs Award: 3B Larry Jones - Seriously, this guy is borderline Chris Chelios amazing. A few nagging injuries aside, the guy keeps putting up monster numbers and playing solid D at an age where most go into Gary Gaetti mode. Last year: .337avg / 29 HR / 102 RBI / .425 OBP. At 35, you have to figure he's due for regression, right? Doubt him at your own peril.

I Love Guaranteed Contracts Award*: Mike Hampton and his $15 million salary. The Little Lefty hasn't thrown a pitch in the bigs since 2005.

FOR MORE READING
It's Braves Time
Talking Chop
Home of the Braves

*To be renamed Mark Prior Award in 2009


4. WASHINGTON NATIONALS by Lingering Bursitis
2007: 73-89 (4th)

SO LONG: 1B Tony Batista, OF Ryan Church, 1B Robert Fick, P Glenn Gibson, 2B D'Angelo Jimenez, OF Nook Logan, P Mike O'Connor, C Brian Schneider

WELCOME: 1B Aaron Boone, 2B Bret Boone, OF Elijah Dukes, C Johnny Estrada, OF Willie Harris, P Ray King, C Paul Lo Duca, OF Rob Mackowiak, OF Lastings Milledge, P Odalis Perez

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Felipe Lopez SS
2. Paul Lo Duca C
3. Ryan Zimmerman 3B
4. Wily Mo Pena LF
5. Dmitri Young 1B
6. Austin Kearns RF
7. Lastings Milledge CF
8. Ronnie Belliard 2B

Starting Rotation - Shawn Hill, John Patterson, Jason Bergmann, Matt Chico, John Lannan, Joel Hanrahan
Setup - Jon Rauch, Luis Ayala
Closer - Chad Cordero

It's easy to forget that Washington has a baseball franchise. They're the dregs and cast-offs from the Expos, not to mention the discarded young talent from all around the league. Hey, do you want two guys who didn't live up to their potential in exchange for a recognizable name player of yours? Sounds great! Look at this list: Felipe Lopez, Wily Mo Pena, Kearns (who Hendry's coveted for years now), Milledge, and a green, green pitching staff.

Their ballpark is massive and cavernous, providing little in the way of offensive excitement. Not that this lineup could give you much of that anyway.

They'll limp through 65 wins like Verbal Kint, and start walking again in time for next spring. Enjoy the shitshow, disaffected baseball fans of Politician Land!

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: 3B Ryan Zimmerman - He's still finding his feet in the league, but goddamn, this guy can hit. He turned 23 in September, and has a promising bat. His strikeouts could do with coming down (125 to 61 walks last season), but he does hit for power. There aren't many other bright spots in this lineup, so Zimmy takes the Sexy prize by default.

Someone get them a Den Mother: Lastings Milledge, Dmitri Young and Elijah Dukes - Fuck. The Washington Nationals just became the nexus of awesome and fucking awesome. Milledge releases rap CDs about all sorts of misogynistic shit. Dukes threatens his pregnant girlfriend with text messages. Young fucking loves hamburgers and smiling. It's gonna be a glorious day in DC when these guys get to play side-by-side.

Um....: The Nationals Rotation - These guys don't show up on baseball cards very often. Why? Because most of them will start 8 or 9 games and then get buried in the bullpen. John Lannan was Philadelphia's Public Enemy #1 for a while. Now he's just crap. John Patterson came within 3 outs of a no-hitter last season before ESPN did one of their fabled "Live Look-ins" and ruined it on the very first pitch they televised. Shawn Hill? Jason Bergmann? Matt Chico? Joel Hanrahan? Note to any and all aspiring armchair baseball enthusiasts: move to the D.C. area. The chances of you earning a spot in the rotation after an impromptu pitching session are very high indeed. For warmups, I suggest throwing rotten eggs and your excrement off an improvised explosive mound outside the White House.

FOR MORE READING
Federal Baseball
District of Baseball
The Curly W


5. FLORIDA MARLINS by Daft Funk
2007: 71-91 (5th)

SO LONG: P Armando Benitez, 1B Aaron Boone, 3B Miguel Cabrera, P Byung-Hyun Kim, C Miguel Olivo, P Dontrelle Willis

WELCOME: OF Luis Gonzalez, P Mark Hendrickson, OF Cameron Maybin, P Andrew Miller, 3B Dallas McPherson, C Mike Rabelo

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Hanley Ramirez SS
2. Dan Uggla 2B
3. Jeremy Hermida RF
4. Josh Willingham LF
5. Mike Jacobs 1B
6. Cody Ross CF
7. Jorge Cantu 3B
8. Mike Rabelo/Matt Treanor C

Starting Rotation - Scott Olsen, Sergio Mitre, Ricky Nolasco, Andrew Miller, Mark Hendrickson, Wes Obermueller, Rick Vanden Hurk
Setup - Logan Kensing, Matt Lindstrom, Taylor Tankersley
Closer - Kevin Gregg

Good thing Miami has all those drug dealers and prostitutes, because there isn't much going on with the Marlins this year. Take a look at that lineup. Hanley Ramirez = absolute stud. Dan Uggla may not be setting the world on fire with his batting average, but he sure knows how to hit the long ball, even in the hitter's nightmare that is Pro Player Stadium. Jeremy Hermida is 2 seasons away from joining Rocco Baldelli in the "Fantasy Baseball Cocktease Hall Of Fame". Everyone else I give a big "Who?" to.

Speaking of "Who?", check out that rotation! When Sergio Mitre is being relied on for quality innings, you know you're in trouble (See the 2005 Chicago Cubs).

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: SS Hanley Ramirez - Cameron Maybin is supposedly the future, but Hanley is an absolute beast. The fact that he's a potential 30 home run/50 steal threat coming into his third full season is mind blowing. He's already the Carl Crawford that we've been telling ourselves Carl Crawford was going to become for the last 5 years.

Don't You Know Chris Shelton?: SP Mark Hendrickson - Fooling fantasy baseball managers everywhere last year was Mark Hendrickson. His line of 2-0 with a 1.95 ERA a month and a half into last season had people claiming him off waivers left and right. Hendrickson rewarded them for bombing for most of what was left of the season, and continuing to look like a serial rapist in his bio pictures.

The Best Team By Default!: Florida Marins - People in Miami have a very good reason to be pissed. How about the season the Heat are having? How about them Dolphins? Would Miami be the first city ever to have 3 last place teams in the same year?

FOR MORE READING
Fish Chunks
Marlins Today
Fish Stripes

TMS MLB Preview '08 - AL West

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. As we wrap up the American League, we now take a gander at the AL West division. Giving you a peek at these four teams are Lingering Bursitis, Brant Brown, Daft Funk, and special guest E-Claire, who was happy to lend a hand and cover her beloved Athletics.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

1. LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM by Brant Brown
2007: 94-68 (1st)

So Long: SS Orlando Cabrera, P Bartolo Colon, 3B Dallas McPherson

Welcome: P Jon Garland, OF Torii Hunter

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Chone Figgins 3B
2. Gary Matthews RF
3. Vladimir Guerrero DH
4. Torii Hunter CF
5. Garret Anderson LF
6. Howie Kendrick 2B
7. Casey Kotchman 1B
8. Mike Napoli C
9. Erick Aybar SS

Starting Rotation - John Lackey, Kelvim Escobar, Jered Weaver, Jon Garland, Joe Saunders, Ervin Santana
Setup - Justin Speier, Scot Shields
Closer - Francisco Rodriguez

While the prospects for the season, particularly considering the state of the division, are good, there is mild discontent in Angel camp. Vlad, Hunter, Anderson, and Sarge, Jr. all want to play the field, but someone is going to have to DH. The likely pick will be Anderson for most games, as Matthews and Hunter have the defensive tools. If Vlad wants to play in the field, Scioscia will have to allow him, with the occasional spell for all involved. You have to make Vlad happy. Sure, Anderson has been with the club since the Donnie Moore incident, but he's a shell of the player who won the home run derby in 2003.

Bartolo Colon's bloated carcass is finally gone. If Hideki Irabu was the Japanese fat toad, Colon was the Mexican version. Or is he Dominican? Venezuelan? They all look the same. He's replaced by Jon Garland. Ugh, Jon Garland. Fortunately for all of the Angel fans that love whining ever so much, the club has retained Ervin Santana's services. Perhaps this year Scioscia will decide to only start Santana in home games. Seriously, look at his home and away splits. The Halos will also be throwing out the two-headed catching monster of Mike Napoli and Jeff Mathis. When is the last time a club that split catching duties made it to the World Series? Was it pre or post Great War? While Erick Aybar looks at a substantial chunk of playing time, it appears that perennial phenom Brandon Wood will once again wallow on the bench or in AAA, further deteriorating any trade value he has. At least Bill Stoneman is finally out the door as GM.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF Torii Hunter - He has a lot to live up to, but he's totally qualified. The Angels have needed an extra bat for years. He may not be the slugger everyone has envisioned, but he's as solid of a package as Angel fans could have hoped for. The stellar defense and baserunning will make up for a few less homers that a Jason Giambi would have given you.

The Elijah Price (Mr. Glass) Award: 2B Howie Kendrick - Howie Kendrick. For the love of all that is holy, let this kid play a season without a fluke injury. I swear he will hit if his fingers remain unbroken.

The John Wooden "Yep, I'm Still Alive" Award: P Darren Oliver - Still gainfully employed, at 37 ripe years of age. He's just one of those guys that lingers, like a pedophile at a playground. He also probably belongs in the Reggie Cleveland Hall of Fame.

FOR MORE READING
Halos Heaven
Big 'A' Baseball


2. SEATTLE MARINERS by Lingering Bursitis
2007: 88-74 (2nd)

SO LONG: OF Jose Guillen, OF Adam Jones, P John Parrish, P George Sherrill

WELCOME: P Erik Bedard, 2B Miguel Cairo, 1B Greg Norton, P Carlos Silva, OF Brad Wilkerson

PROJECTED ORDER
1. Ichiro Suzuki CF
2. Jose Vidro DH
3. Adrian Beltre 3B
4. Raul Ibanez LF
5. Richie Sexson 1B
6. Kenji Johjima C
7. Brad Wilkerson RF
8. Jose Lopez 2B
9. Yuniesky Betancourt SS

Starting Rotation - Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard, Carlos Silva, Miguel Batista, Jarrod Washburn
Setup - Sean White? Cha Seung Baek? Eric O'Flaherty? Horacio Ramirez?
Closer - J.J. Putz

Well, it's Seattle. The rainiest place on earth, but there are several rays of sunshine for this middle-of-the-road franchise. As they continue to squander Ichiro's best years, we sit back and wonder when this ragtag bunch will finally wake up and make the playoffs. They came close last year, but the damp reality is the fact that it's been 6 rather damp squib years since they saw October.

They have tons of room for optimism: they caught a big fish in Erik Bedard who will compliment Hernandez well at the top of the rotation, and they do have some decent power in the lineup. Vidro, Wilkerson, Ibanez and Beltre can still hit [although not for average], and the Asian duo of Suzuki and Johjima are not to be overlooked either. Far from it. Their defense is young and solid up the middle with Lopez and Betancourt, and they play generally well in the field.

This team will live and die like so many: in the bullpen. Half of them I've never fucking heard of, and the other half aren't worth a toss. Carlos Silva, Batista and Washburn are passable but unpredictable, so even if they do get to the 6th or 7th with a lead, who knows if O'Flaherty and co can hold it long enough for Putz to get warmed up.

Let's be honest: all this promise doth not a playoff berth make. They'll slip up in the wake of Anaheim grabbing Torii Hunter, and even though Oakland pawned off their stars-for-prospects, they won't be as unlucky with injuries this season and will probably finish 2nd.

Seattle will finish 3rd, rain will keep falling, Kelsey Grammar will keep trying to recapture his Frasier glory days, and the world will continue to turn.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Felix Hernandez - It's a no-brainer. The guy is 21 years old, he outdueled the Red Sox in Dice-K's first start for Boston, and he's got a nasty array of pitches that have been baffling the league for 2 1/2 seasons. While his career 30-25 record might not tell the tale, his whopping 418 K in 465 2/3 career innings says it all. His K/BB is almost 4/1, and he's able to throw 200+ innings per season.

Hernandez holds the key for Seattle. If his arm holds up in 2008, they'll be a force to be reckoned with. He did see some injury problems creeping in last season, so they'll need to be careful.

Suck a cock, you bastard: 3B Adrian Beltre - I hate this guy so much. Not only did he poison my fantasy team in 2005, after I foolishly took drafted him high after his near-MVP season the year before, but he's a member of the worst group in baseball: those that overachieve during a contract year. I fucking hate those bastards.... they pull one magical summer out of their puckered assholes, parlay it into big money and fame, and then proceed to shit the bed [relatively speaking] since donning the Mariners' uniform.

Seriously though, from a .334 BA, 48 HR, 121 RBI season in 2004 to .255/19/87 the next? Go fuck yourself, Beltre. Admit you did the juice, and work on raising your batting average.

What the Fuck?: 2B Miguel Cairo - They signed him to a one-year deal in January as infield cover. The guy's played for almost everyone (I love hyperbole, so what?), including two tours of duty with the Cubs, Cardinals and Yankees.
What I find hilarious about Cairo, besides his mediocrity, is that he's the ultimate mercenary. He cares not for allegiances and rivalries and histories, he just plays for whoever the fuck will pay him a couple of million and play him in 50 games a season.

Three teams in the AL East, both New York teams and the Cubs/Cardinals? That's some impressive whoring.

Sure, he'll do nothing for the M's, but he'll have a fun time doing it, and I'll have a fun time making fun of him.

FOR MORE READING
Lookout Landing
U.S.S. Mariner


3. OAKLAND ATHLETICS by E-Claire
2007: 76-86 (3rd)

SO LONG: C Jeremy Brown, OF Jeff DaVanon, P Dan Haren OF Shannon Stewart, OF Nick Swisher, OF Mark Kotsay, INF Marco Scutaro, DH Mike Piazza

WELCOME: OF Emil Brown, P Dana Eveland, P Keith Foulke, C Matt LeCroy, DH Mike Sweeney, OF Carlos Gonzalez

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Mark Ellis 2B
2. Travis Buck RF
3. Daric Barton 1B
4. Jack Cust DH
5. Eric Chavez 3B
6. Emil Brown LF
7. Bobby Crosby SS
8. Chris Denorfia CF
9. Kurt Suzuki C

Starting Rotation - Joe Blanton, Rich Harden, Chad Gaudin, Justin Duchscherer, Lenny DiNardo, Dallas Braden, Dana Eveland
Setup - Kiko Calero, Keith Foulke, Alan Embree
Closer - Huston Street

2007 was an injury-riddled year for the A's (They used the DL over 20 times), and things were looking iffy for 2008 - 3/5 of the projected starting rotation (Harden, Duke, and Gaudin) were coming back from injuries/surgeries, Chavez had 3 offseason surgeries, and Bobby Crosby is...well...Bobby Crosby. So Billy Beane decided to pull the trigger and "rebuild," trading Dan Haren, Nick Swisher, Mark Kotsay, and Marco Scutaro for a grip of young prospects. And to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if more trades were made before the deadline (Blanton and Street could go, along with Ellis, and Chavez if he gets healthy). The majority of opinions seem to say that with all the prospects the A's acquired (Carloz and Gio Gonzalez, Brett Anderson, etc), it'll probably be a year or two before they start to get good. But if the A's keep their current roster, they could have a decent 2008. Harden is lights out when he's healthy (granted, that's not very often, but whatever. We'll go with it), and Blanton is solid. If Duke makes a good transition to the starting rotation, and Gaudin pitches like he did during the first half of last year, I'd say the A's have a pretty good starting rotation. And if Chavez has a good year, Barton lives up to the hype, Buck can go 10 minutes without spraining something, and Jack Cust proves last year wasn't just a fluke, you've got some pretty decent bats in the lineup. So I wouldn't completely count the A's out this year. On the other hand, everyone could get injured again, the rotation could suck, and Beane could trade all the prospects away for Single A players so he can rebuild the rebuilding project. We'll see what happens.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Stomper Ele Phant - There have been a lot of players to come and go through the Athletics organization over the past decade or so, but you can always count on the familiar face of Stomper. According to his homepage, Stomper enjoys vacationing at the All-Star game, likes peanuts, and he can beat box. I bet the damn Rally Monkey can't beat box...

The "If You Don't Stay Healthy I'll Beat Your Ass" Award: SS Bobby Crosby - Seriously. Stop. Getting. Hurt.

The "If You Don't Stay Healthy I'll Beat Your Ass" Award, Part 2: SP Rich Harden - (see above)

The "Most Entertaining Quote of the Offseason" Award: Billy Beane - During the Winter Meetings, a rumor spread about the A's, the Twins, and the Mets being involved in a 3-way trade that would send Jose Reyes (and some other prospect) to the A's. It wasn't true, and Beane responded to the rumor by saying "There's a better chance of me breeding unicorns than there is of that deal happening." I dunno Billy, if the A's have a crappy first half and you need a way to keep the fans coming to games, unicorn breeding might be something you'd want to consider. Especially if the unicorns can play defense and have a good OBP.

FOR MORE READING
Athletics Nation
Athletic Supporters


4. TEXAS RANGERS by Daft Funk
2007: 75-87 (4th)

SO LONG: OF Nick Gorneault, OF Freddy Guzman, OF Jerry Hairston Jr., P Edinson Volquez, OF Brad Wilkerson

WELCOME: OF Milton Bradley, 1B Ben Broussard, P Kazuo Fukumori, P Eddie Guardado, OF Josh Hamilton, P Jason Jennings, OF Kevin Mench, 1B Chris Shelton

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Frank Catalanotto DH
2. Josh Hamilton CF
3. Michael Young SS
4. Milton Bradley RF
5. Hank Blalock 3B
6. Marlon Byrd LF
7. Jarrod Saltalamacchia C
8. Ian Kinsler 2B
9. Ben Broussard 1B

Starting Rotation - Kevin Millwood, Vicente Padilla, Brandon McCarthy, Jason Jennings, Kason Gabbard, Kameron Loe
Setup - Joaquin Benoit, Frank Francisco
Closer - Eddie Guardado, C.J. Wilson

There really isn't much to say about the Texas Rangers that hasn't been said for the last 6 or 7 years: all hitting, no pitching. But this year, the Rangers are changing things up. Instead of a fantastic offense, the Rangers are now fielding a mediocre offense. And instead of a terrible pitching staff, this year's Texas squad is packing...a really terrible pitching staff. Seriously, this staff is the absolute worst. This staff is the 'Little Nicky' of pitching staffs. Take a look at those starters one by one? Would it really come as a shock if Kevin Millwood lost 15 games this year? Doesn't seem like such a stretch, does it? Now ask the same thing about Padilla. And Jennings. And McCarthy. What can you possibly say about a starting rotation that could lose 75 games all on its own? Another reason you know it's going to be a long season? When your best bullpen pitcher is known best for throwing a chair at an lady in the crowd during an altercation. I think it's time for them to call Rick Helling and John Wetteland and see if they can come out of retirement.

The offense is serviceable, but they'll really miss Teixeira this season. Then again, they missed him for the first 2 months of 2007 too when his bat was pretty much missing from the face of the Earth. I look over the Texas lineup and it's pretty much filled with Fantasy Baseball flash-in-the-pan players. If you've played Fantasy Baseball over the last 3-4 years, chances are you've owned a few of these guys. Hank Blalock? Didn't he used to be good a few years ago? Michael Young? He used to be good, right? Frank Catalanotto? He was ok that one year, right? If you got to hand pick a single season from each of the players in the Texas lineup from 2002-2007, this lineup would be pretty fearsome. But most of them are a few years off their prime. It doesn't matter. With their pitching staff, they could score 1,000 runs and still lose 90 games.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF Milton Bradley - Look, some of you may say that there are much better candidates to be Mr. Sexy Time than Milton Bradley. But if those people show up tomorrow with broken kneecaps and black eyes delivered by one Mr. Bradley, I would not be surprised. Sure, Milton Bradley's lack of effort and general surliness got him kicked out of Montreal. And Cleveland. And Los Angeles. And Oakland. And San Diego. The point is, he's poised for a big year. If an angry loose cannon who shoots first and doesn't bother asking questions at all can't succeed in the grand state of Texas, where can he succeed?

Alright, now that I've written that, can you please let my family go, Mr. Bradley?

How Did I Wind Up Drafting Gerald Laird?: C Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Most people know Saltalamacchia as the hotshot catching prospect that was the crown jewel of the Mark Teixeira trade last season. That still leaves a lot of people that don't really know how to pronounce this guy's name, as Jarrod follows in the footsteps of the greats to come before him, such as Andres Galarraga and TJ Houshmandzadeh. This will most likely lead to a bunch of people accidentally drafting Gerald Laird in Fantasy Baseball drafts when they can't pronounce "Saltalamacchia" and just say they want to pick "That guy that catches for the Rangers". Adding "You know, that Jarrod guy" won't help much either, since Jarrod and Gerald sound pretty much the same when said out loud.

Please Let Them Have Lockers Next To Each Other: Frank Francisco and Milton Bradley - Frank Francisco gets his kicks by chucking chairs at people in the stands. Milton Bradley gets his kicks throwing everything that's not bolted down in the dugout at anyone that crosses his path. Further reading of their profiles over at Baseball Prospectus shows that they both enjoy throwing orphans under passing trains, beating up old people and peeing on sidewalks. Putting the both of them in the same clubhouse will be nothing short of genius.

FOR MORE READING
Baseball Time in Arlington