OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

Whaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

What's that? You thought that you wound't be hearin' from your ol' boy OJ just because I'm on an extended vay-cay in the slammer? Shit, son...I ain't never been in a situation I couldn't buy my way out of, talk my way out of, or stab to death.

So here I am in sweet ol' Chicago. I've been spending my time walking around into fancy restaurants and picking up people's checks. I don't mean I'm paying for them, dumbshit! The Juice is a bit low on funds right now so I gotta keep my spending down to the barest of essentials: imported hardcore German skin mags, Ten High and PCP. Oh shits yeah is there PCP.

But really, when I say "picking up people's checks" I really mean that I'm picking them up. I heard that Johnny Depp left some waiter a $4,000 tip last week at a restaurant near here. Fucks yes, that's what OJ's talkin' about! I'm hopin' that I can sneak up and steal a tip like that from a table before the waiter gets there. And if I run into Johnny Depp, even better! If that dude tips four large for a steak, imagine what he might tip The Juice for a BJ! I call my specialty the OJ/BJ. What's the difference between an OJ/BJ and a regular BJ? Two things - about $30 and also my thumb is gonna be two knuckles deep up someone's asshole the whole time. But whose browneye will it be? The answer may surprise you! Legit!

Aw shit, did I forget to tell you how I ain't in jail anymore? Sorry...that's the PCP. It turns out that they locked up the wrong dude! This whole time, they was lookin' for some guy named OJ Simpson to lock up. But guess what? I'm the one and only JO Sampson! I can see why they mixed me and OJ up since we're both such suave and sexycoolmotherfuckers, but once they realized that they had the wrong dude in custody, they let me go. Fuck you if you don't believe that's how it went down! And if you hear anything over the next few days about a "jailbreak in Nevada involving explosives, masked men and guards being incapacitated and sodomized" you know that it's probably some shit that Perez Hilton made up.

(On a side note, you may have heard that Perez Hilton had a few insulting names for will.i.am earlier in the week, which OJ does not approve of. Luckily, I can call Perez Hilton the most hurtful and demeaning word that I can think of: white.)

Aw fuck! Have I really been referring to myself as OJ this whole time? Just forget about all that because I ain't OJ. I'm JO (heh heh...JO! That never gets old. Crab meat and model trains, bitch!). What the fuck you mean 'Who are you talking to?' I already told you I've been doin' tons of PCP all week! Don't you listen to any of the knowledge I'm droppin' on your ass?

Look, the point is that I heard the Saloon is back open and that they boys need my help. Fuck me, the Cubs got swept by fuckin' Detroit? Those motherfucks couldn't buy a win right now! No seriously, they don't have any money! How the hell do you lose to Detroit? November 25, 1976...I ran all over those bitches for 273 yards and 2 scores! AND I had the runs at the time from doin' too much coke the night before! Let's check the OJ meter to see how high that kind of performance scores:

Five out of five! Double legit!

Nah, what the Cubs need right now is that killer edge. They need someone wreckin' fools and buttsexin' minors...I mean...leading them to victory! If only there was some young, good lookin' stud who could be cold as ice on the field but warm as a Towering Inferno in the sack that could up their chances of winning by infiltrating the Sox clubhouse for the next few days and evening things out a bit. If only JO Sampson was around and was a free agent.

Wait! I'm JO Sampson (fuckin' *wink wink*)! I'm definitely not OJ Simpson.

Shit son, I'll see what I can do. As much as I hate going back to any place called "The Cell" because it reminds me of prison, I'll do whatever I can to get the Cubs to the promised land! Maybe that'll cheer me up after losing two of my friends yesterday. I remember back in the 70's, me and Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett and Buzanis used to hang out on the Oriface Penetrator. Buzanis used to try and hook up with Farrah, but she'd always punch him in the balls. She sure was a feisty one. MJ and I used to crack up every time. I dedicate my sabotage of the Sox this weekend to both fo them and Buzanis' shattered left nut. Now that's the low down dirty shame.

Overrated/Underrated: Prison Edition

Whaaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Bet you thought your old boy OJ was gone for good with me gettin' in some trouble in Vegas, right? Shit, ain't no man alive (or murdered) that can keep The Juice down! I gots me a sweet wifi connection here so I can continue to write for this Pimp Capture website. I can also use it to watch YouTube clips from my glory days and even download me some hardcore German porn! Legit!

I've been reading the shirt on this site for a while now, and if you're the kind of person that keeps coming back to read this kind of stuff, I'm assuming that you've spent some time in the slammer. I mean, have you read how sick some of this stuff is? I gots no damn clue what in the hell that's all about. Either way, just in case you've never been to jail, I've got you a list of all the stuff here in County that the shit (and some things that are just shitty).

Overrated:

Joining A Gang: When you first get to jail, getting yourself affiliated with a gang seems like a good idea. You think you're gonna get some protection, maybe a little cuddle time. Sounds good. But that shit is waaaaaay more work than you might think. I'm trying to write a sequel to my successful book from a few years back, but every time I try to get to writin' I gotta stop to go to some inter-gang mixer. And when I gotta do that, I hafta bake cookies or make brownies or whip up a batch of meth or some shit. it ain't worth it. And believe me...you've never felt pressure until you have to find something to wear the the Seasonal Ball that no one else in the prison is wearing. Prison stripes are sooo 1996.

Free Time In The Yard: I used to think that my free time outside was a fun time, but shit! That's when all the damn fights break out! Do you know how hard it is to throw an underhand strike in our intermural softball games if I've got to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure some fool ain't gonna stick me with a sharpened bed post? And let me tell you, it's impossible to pull off a Tea Party or Typewriter in the daily Four-Square game with a shiv in your side.

Prison Sex: I know what you're thinking: 'How can prison sex be overrated? Isn't that why most convicts go to jail?' That may have been how shit worked back in the old days, but times is different now. It ain't all about the reach-arounds and Dutch Rudders anymore. Most of the 'normal' partners are satisfied watching internet porn, so that leaves just the odd dudes around lookin' for some OJ lovin'. And there's way too many things around that The Juice don't like pokin' around where they shouldn't be. Broom handles, wrenches, iPhones...you name it! And no lube.

Underrated:

Food: Prison food's the bomb-dizzle, yo! Some dude said that food is all in the presentation, and this food ain't no exception. When they pile that green shit next to that brown shit and mix in a little of the yellow stuff we have every other day, it makes quite a good mix. It's pleasing to the eye and all that goofy shit. Food cooked for me every day? Shit, that's like being married all over again...except when I verbally assault the cook in here, I gets me a faceful of Mace. Wait, it's exactly like being married!

Books: If you're in jail, you got a lot of time to read the thousands of books they got in the prison library. All that readin' ain't for makin' yourself smarter or any of that shit. It's to see what books have any good info in 'em. Find a book with a good nudie scene in it? Make sure to mark that book and include a drawing of the action in the side margins! Um...that's about it really. Pretty much everything we do here in jail is for one reason: to get our nut off! Werd!

Gang Rape: You know how sometimes you get home from work and your wife has a special dinner planned out and ready for you that you weren't expecting and it's a really unexpected surprise? Gang rape's a little like that, but instead of your wife, it's the Raiders offensive line that's got the surprise for you. The other difference is that when you get the dinner surprise, you follow it up with dessert. In prison, you follow up the gang rape with some light crying, and maybe a little bruising. And then more gang rape.

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

Whaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin?

It's Friday night, and your boy OJ's gettin' his drink on. It's been kind of a long week for The Juice. Today, I celebrated the 13 year anniversary of getting away with murder being found 'not guilty' for 2 killings that I'm pretty sure I didn't even do. I think I was playing golf at the time. That was a sweet day.

So what did I do to celebrate the 13th anniversary of my victory? Most would say "Hookers and blow, OJ!" Well you'd be wrong. Like any true thug, I spent the 13th anniversary of the end of a trial by sitting through the closing arguments of a whole other trial! Again, it's for something that I'm pretty sure I didn't even do. The prosecution said that I may have robbed and maybe kidnapped and threatened some people. Is it true? I guess it depends on what your definition of "kidnapped" and "robbed" are. And as for threatening fools? Shits yeah that part is true! Look, I won the Heisman. I'm a Hall of Famer. Hell, I may or may not have even not maybe did almost get away with killing two people one time. I threaten everyone just to keep up appearances. Hell, I threaten my own gardener. Just look at that mean (but ridiculously good looking) face!

Also, that doesn't mean that the hookers and blow are out for the evening.

The Juice has got some good news though. It seems like everything is coming together and shit. See, after the last few days, it seems like the Cubs need my help. And it just so happens that the closing arguments for my trial are over, so I've got some free time. Sure, I'm not supposed to "leave the state" or some crazy shit like that, but who cares? I didn't even testify, so what do they need me for?

It seems like my career as a Milwaukee Brewer may be over. I wanted to be there last weekend to make sure that they lost to the Cubs and didn't make the playoffs, but I was kind of "under police supervision" so getting out was a little tough. But I did what I could where I could get away with it. You know how Ben Sheets got hurt last Saturday and can't pitch again this year? Hmmm...OJ thinks that's a little suspicious. And guess what? It's because I cut him. Or maybe I didn't. HA! That never gets old! You think I'd admit something like that? Look, I'm not going to say that I cut Ben Sheets and I'm not going to say that I didn't. What I will say is that yes, I probably cut him. And I'll do the same to you in a second!

(See what I mean about threatening all kinds of fools?)

See how the Brewers seemed really distracted the last 2 games against the Phillies? JO Sampson may have had something to do with that. Rumor is that he made a bunch of threatening phone calls to their families before each game. I guess they were traced back to a cell phone he stole from Brett Favre and the Packers. That's a shame. That JO Sampson is a bad man. But that's not my problem. I'm OJ Simpson. I am definitely not (^wink^wink*) JO Sampson. But man, is that JO Sampson a man's man. I hear he brings home at least 4 women a night and can eat an entire case of Malomars in one sitting. Legit!

Either way, Milwaukee has released JO, that devilishly good looking son of a bitch. Rumor is that he may show up in the Dodgers' clubhouse tomorrow. He's bringing the following things with him:

- Laptop

- Collapsible Baton

- 2 Guns

- Steak knives

- Napientek Brand Cock Rings

- Maple Bat Shards

- Hardcore German Pornography

The Cubs shouldn't have much of a problem winning tomorrow in LA.

BEAT LA! BEAT LA!

What? Kevin Garnett already beat me to that chant? Aw shit. That's a low down dirty shame.

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

Whaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Shit, son. You'r boy OJ's had a busy few weeks. Turns out the Cubs went on a little slide, and I apologize that The Juice wasn't there to lend any "assistance". But hell, the Brewers kept crappin' their bed too.

But enough about you crackaz. Let's talk about the only Heisman Trophy winner in this conversation. The last time you heard from me, I was wreckin' underage gymnists and swimming the anchor leg in the 2 x 400 Denny's Grand Slam Olympics in China. A lot of crazy shit has happened since then.

• Once I got back to the States, me and Tommy Buzanis took a weeklong trip to Miami to see how many young, impressionable college girls we could convince to come onboard Tommy's boat and party it up a little. Buzanis, son of a bitch, that dude convinced every student we met that he was a professor of Steaks and The Boss 203 at Miami University. Dude even faked his way into teaching 3 classes a day just by showing up with some shorts on. Miami actually offered him tenure, but he turned it down and said he can't be "tied down for legal reasons". Shit son...I invented that excuse!
• I stopped by the USC - Ohio State game this weekend. Remember last week when Chris Wells was good to play one day and all the sudden was too hurt to play the next morning? You're welcome. I'm not gonna say that I had anything to do with it, but I'm not not saying that either. That's actually gonna be the title of my next book: "A List Of Things I Didn't Not Really Not Do, But Didn't Not Deny Thinking About Not Doing Them.'
• Did some acid.

It's been a busy month for The Juice. With the Brewers coming to town, I was ready to meet up with them again as JO Sampson, but it may be a bit hard. Remember that shit I got into last year where some dudes stole some of my football stuff and I might have found some dudes at a wedding to help me get it back at gunpoint? Well I don't, because it never happened. At least, it didn't not not happen. But if it did, bitches better recognize that you don't steal from The Juice.

Anyway, if I did do all that stuff, I don't see what the big deal would have been. But apparently pulling guns on people and getting into some light kidnapping is something people don't find too funny and I'm going back to court. You know what else people don't find funny? Dane Cook.

The police want me in court, but I'm trying everything I can to be in Chicago for the series this week. So far, your boy OJ's been coming through (as if I wouldn't!). Shit was supposed to start yesterday, but they had to delay things because one jury member was "sick". On a totally and completely unrelated note, did you know that rat poison makes people not feel good too? It doesn't just only work on rats! Legit!

I'll see if I can make it down for a few games, and hopefully I can help the Cubs clinch this week. If not, I'll just have to get back to the courtroom and see if I can speed things up. I guess a lot of the dudes I got to help me have already got themselves deals in order to turn your boy OJ in. WTF is that? If you can't go to a random wedding and get 3 dudes at a bar to help you rob and kidnap people at gunpoint that they've never met before, who are you supposed to trust? America's fallin' apart, son. And that's the low down dirty shame.

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

With the Brewers recently on an 8 game winning streak, desperate times are upon us. We need to do something to slow these Brewers down to have a chance to blow open our lead on the NL Central. Desperate measures are called for. Fresh off a plane from Beijing is TMS corespondent OJ Simpson!

OJ pictured with China's top Women's Gymnast

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin?

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little more out of it than usual. And yes, that is Ten High you smell on me, but that's not the point. Your boy OJ's been doin' a lot of travelling over the last few days. You see, I had the idea to go to the Olympics and maybe walk on to one of the teams. After all, it wasn't too long ago that The Juice was a world class athlete too. Plus I've got about $350K ridin' on some of these events so I wanted to be around and make sure shit was up to snuff, naw mean?

So I get to the Olympics, and ain't no one there! First I thought it was all the E I took that morning, but naw...ain't no one showed up, but on TV I was seein' all kinds of flashing lights and fires on the Opening Ceremonies. Again, it would be easy to blame the Ecstasy, but OJ knew that somethin' wasn't right.

It turns out they moved the Olympics to China this year! Goddammit, why didn't no one tell me this shit? Here I was hangin' out at the LA Coliseum waitin' for the games to start, and they up and went to some other country? That shit ain't right.

So I caught me a plane and some horse tranquilizers and headed over to China. Me and the Chinese are all good buddies from back in the day when I used to send them autographs of myself when I was a big celebrity. Hu Jintao is a big Bills fan.

Somethin' must have happened on the flight because I woke up, I was in jail. Apparently, I knocked out one of the Americans in some important relay and took his place. But The Juice has always been a great swimmer, so we wound up winning the gold, son! If you look closely at the video, you'll see me.

After that, your ol' pal OJ was in a little trouble. I paid off a few of the guards with signed copies of my unreleased book "Guilty As Shit, But Let's Just Pretend I Didn't Do It" and got away. But the heat was on, and I got a call from the Saloon that they needed me back in the states to deal with the Brewers.

The Brewers? Awwww hell naw! I didn't think I'd have to be back with that group of douchebags until September! After I helped orchestrate a few timely losses to the Cubs at the end of July, I even caused a fight between Manny Parra and Tubby Fielder for good measure. You can't see it in the replays, but right as Parra was walking past Fielder in the dugout, I yelled "Manny, you right! Prince does have some big ol' titties!" Some of the players were gettin' kind of tired of this cocky JO Sampson kid around the clubhouse, so I needed a getaway plan. I held a team meeting and said that I was leaving the team because I had gotten "called up". By the time the first player said "Called up to where?" I had stolen Ned Yost's car! Legit!

So I gotta meet back up with the Brew Crew tonight and see if I can cause them to lose some more games. Being in LA, I know a lot of shady mothafucka's that can lend a hand too. I'm sure no one will question me showing up again in the Brewers clubhouse. They'll all just be like "Shit, that's just JO being JO..."

So keep an eye out for your ol' friend The Juice and I'll see if I can cause some trouble for the Brewers. Chip says that if the Brewers don't lose at least 2 out of 3, he's callin' my parole officer. And that's the low down dirty shame.

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

Whaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?



Does The Juice come through or does The Juice come through? Need a big Brewer error late in the game on Monday? OJ's got yo' back. Need a complete bed-crapping performance from Ben Sheets? Look no further than The Juice! Tired of your wife and want her to disappear? Well, let's just worry about the Brewers right now. We can talk after the series in my motel bathroom office.



So I guess my "bloody toy" trick didn't phase Tha' Sheetz last night, which makes ol' JO Sampson wonder about what kind of freak ass shit goes on in that dude's house. The good news was that Big Z was dealin' more than just ecstasy last night. Homie was breaking spirits, breaking bats and "breaking balls" (I'm so goddamn funny...) all night. The bad news was that Tha' Sheetz was pretty damn good too. So in the dugout before the 6th inning, I told Sheets that for every out he gets in the inning, I'd cut off one of his balls.



That seemed to be enough to get Tha' Sheetz spooked (especially since I actually showed him the knife!), and he gave up 7 straight hits. And to avoid suspicion, I went up to Sheets after the game and said "Yo dude, you know I was just playin' around with that balls thing, right? JO Sampson wouldn't touch your balls! I only touch the balls of pitchers that don't suck! Beli'dat!"



A lot of you must be thinking that I must have been shouting threats at Ryan Braun whenever he went back for a ball to left yesterday. Nope. No assistance from The Juice needed on that one. He's just that bad in the field. Lat night, he sure did murder his team's chances! Get it? Murder? HAAAAA HA HA HA HA! Oh my Jesus...this funny and a dead ringer for Denzel? Ladies, you best be comin' over to OJ's room after the game before it's too late! God damn, I'm such a catch!



As if there was any doubt, my performance last night deserves a 5 out of 5 on the OJ Meter.

Legit!



But jes' because I did some good yesterday don't mean that I ain't plannin' a few tricks tonight. Manny Parra went to San Juan High School. Their mascot is the Ram. And you know how much damage your boy OJ did against the Rams in his career. Shit, those fools couldn't tackle me if I was drunk. And I know that because one time, I was! Still rushed for 154 yards though. Hey, someone had to show them fools in St. Louis how to hold they liquor. Plus, if you're really fucked up, you can puke into someone else's mouth at the bottom of a pile. Just don't do it while you're laying on you're back. You'll puke into your own nose. And that's the low down dirty shame.

"God damn...you wish you were this silky-smooth motherfucker right here."

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

Whaaaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

So here I am in the Brewers' clubhouse a few hours before game time. I'm writing this from a bathroom stall so I can get some privacy. My new teammates keep asking me "Why you bringin' a laptop into the bathroom stall?" I tell them "So I can jerk, son! Why else would I do something like that? Now get out before I whack you so hard your daddy's balls get sore!" Shit, son...ain't no one givin' no one else no privacy these days.

And as far as doin' my business in a bathroom stall, well you know...that's just the JO Sampson way. Because that's my name for truf and all. Yup. I'm definitely JO Sampson.

(Hey gys...I'm just kiddin'. It's really me, The Juice! I'm just pretendin' to be someone else so I could get into this crazy clubhouse! Foolproof logic, son!)

So yeah, your boy OJ...er...JO has spent some time in jail before, and it really ain't too much different than this Brewer clubhouse. We got a bunch of dudes runnin' around playing grabass with each other. There's 2-3 guys in here givin' ol' JO the sex eye (If JJ Hardy winks at me one more time...). And this Prince Fielder fatass...I served time with his daddy once! Yeah, he and I used to rough up the locals at the nearest Bennegans with Buzanis back in the day. Oh, and don't forget all the sodomy that seems to be a regular thing here in Milwaukee. Nasty.

So get this...did you like the number I pulled on the Brewers last night? I started out by telling Sabathia that Soriano ain't got nothin' and that he should just lay a fastball right in there to him so that he don't walk nobody. Later on in the game, when D-Lee was groundin' into another twin-killing (which your boy OJ knows a thing or two about...), I yelled out "Shit! Reed Johnson's GOT A KNIFE, SON!" and made the Brewers fuck up on defense. Then before Salamander Torres (That's the prison name I gave him) came in for the 9th, I slipped him a little LSD. Shit son, you try to find the damn strike zone when you're trippin balls out there! Probably made that midget Fontenot look like Barry Bonds or some shit. Speaking of Barry, that dude owes me $50K...

I think I did a pretty good job throwin' the Brewers off their game. Let's check the OJ-Meter to rate last night's performance:

Shit son, I'll take 4.5 out of 5 any day. Damn, that OJ Simpson dude is a fine lookin' sonofabitch! Underage ladies everywhere should call that dude up tonight!

Anyway, I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve for tonight's game. Ben Sheets? I know where that motherfucker lives! All I gots to do to distract that dude is sneak in and steal his kid's favorite toy. Then I'll slap some blood on it (Don't ask where I'm gettin' it...I gots my own ways that you don't even wanna know...) and give it to him before the game and say "Dude, I found this by your locker. Some shady lookin' dude left it behind and then ran away. Probably the same dude that killed OJ's wife!" Two birds with one stone? Legit!

I gotta go. Fielder's knockin' and sayin' something about taking a shit the size of a Heisman. I know what that's all about. Too bad mine sold at auction. And that's the low down dirty shame.

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

This week's series against the Brewers is easily the biggest of the year to date. While we have all the confidence in the world in the Cubs and their ability to pound the Losers to the North for 4 games, it never hurts to have a little insurance. That's why, due to popular demand, we're bringing back our #1 undercover spy to do whatever is necessary to give the Cubs a slight edge. Ladies and Gentlemen...O.J. Simpson!

Whaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

So there's been a lot going on with The Juice since I last checked in. I'd like to say that I've been spendin' all my time playin' golf and polishing my Heisman Trophy. But since I'm broke, I've been hanging out around the mini-golf place looking to cruise the 14 year old hotties and the only "polishing" I do is "off another bottle of Ten High."

But over the weekend, I got a call from the guys over at the Saloon and they said they might be interested in my services. I happen to have a recording of the call so I can share it with you. I record all of my phone calls. Why? Because I think the voice of one of the debt collectors that calls me every week is ten kinds of sexy and I like to have her soothing tones on tape. OJ = J/O!

Now let's see how that call went:

OJ: What's crackulatin'?
Daft Funk: Is that how you actually answer all your calls, or did you see it was me on caller ID?
OJ: Caller ID? Shit, son...this is a payphone!
DF: Look, we've got a series with the Brewers coming up and we need some kind of edge, legal or not. Think you're up to it?
OJ: Damn, you know me! There's only three things I'm good at. One is Hertz commercials. The other is stabbin' suckas!
DF: That's only two things. What's the third thing?
OJ: The third thing is shut your mouth before I stab you.
DF: Look, OJ...we have no problem hiring you, but the last time you worked for us, the Brewers still won 2 out of 3. I'm sending you over the Brewers media guide. Make sure you get the job done this time.
OJ: Yeah, I'll give yo mamma a job.
DF: OJ, I can still hear you.
OJ: Aw, shit...

Ain't no one got no faith in OJ these days. Well guess what? Im'a come through this time and show y'all that The Juice on the loose is still dangerous as a Bengal Tiger! I've even got a foolproof plan. Since them Brewers know me on sight, I'm gonna have to come up with something clever to get close to their clubhouse.

Ladies and gemtlemen, meet J.O. Sampson, the newest AAA player to be called up to the Brewers. All I gotta do is kill talk my way past the clubhouse security, and I'm gonna blend right in. Legit!

So that Sabathia fattie is starin' tonight? Yeah son, I'd keep a close eye on that bastard after OJ gets to work on him. Yeah, you can't pull fat like you can a muscle, but you can bury a pencil into it 10 minutes before gametime. And you can threaten to kidnap that fat's family too. Works every time.

I ain't gonna let you Cubs fans down again. OJ's gonna rise from the ashes...the ashes of my double wide, that is. SHIT! When did this shit burn down again? I must have left my skin mags too close to the hot plate again. Ain't that about a bitch!

And that's the low down dirty shame.