The Governor's Press Release: 13 February, 2008

(An Undisclosed Location) - OK. What the hell was that and just who the fuck is Phillip Mitchell? I'm determined to get to the bottom of this, so in a TMS first, I have appointed a special prosecutor to look into the matter.

Huell Howser, Los Angeles public television legend and rumored homosexual, will lead an official investigation into the Phillip Mitchell matter. Huell will travel up and down the Golden State following leads to find out just what the hell is going on. Unfortunately, Huell is easily amazed, so he may get distracted by old people who make blankets out of dog hair and ceramic statues of the Russian Czars. This could take awhile. Keep an eye out for Huell's report in the days or weeks (or months) to come.

The Governor's Press Conference: 1 February, 2008

Periodically, I open the floor to questions. Its been awhile since there have been better topics, like the Cardinals' aborted run at the playoffs and scotch eggs. Well, if it isn't obvious, we're out of ideas. Lets begin:

The Superbowl is this weekend - who ya got?

Since Eli Manning is a turd that must have fallen off his big brother's shoe and the '72 Dolphins popping champagne haunt my dreams, I have no choice but to root for New England.

With an overabundance of outfielders this year, where does Juan Pierre fit into the Dodgers' plans? Also, do you think the rumors that his throwing arm has been replaced with a worn-out Slinky are true?

I'm really torn about Pierre. He's fun to watch when he actually gets on the bases, but he never walks and yeah, his arm is made out of an old slinky. Not even one of the good metal ones. One of those plastic ones that stretch out and never work right again. Ned Colletti is a retard. Last year he had too many outfielders, and when Luis Gonzalez walked away he could've corrected the situation by doing nothing. Unfortunately Ned pissed away more money than I'll ever see in my life on a human windmill who can't even spell the name Andrew properly.

Which movie has the inside track for Best Picture at the Oscars?

I have to say No Country for Old Men. I had it #1 for 2007. A lot of people will tell you There Will Be Blood has a shot. It does, but I tend to think it won't win. Even those who liked it often tell you the film is not without its flaws. The Academy will probably be satisfied giving Daniel Day Lewis the Best Actor award. I disagree with that as well. I don't think his impersonation of Clint Eastwood impersonating John Huston is all that compelling, but I seem to be in the minority there.

What are your thoughts on the writer's strike in Hollywood?

Since I generally loathe network TV, it hasn't really affected me. They're certainly in the right though. The first new network show I've dove into in something like five years is Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Once you get passed the new actors it's not bad.

Did you seriously call Eli Manning a "turd that must have fallen of his big brother's shoe" earlier in this press conference?

I never said that.

...but you just did!

No, I said nothing of the sort. I'm not playing your little gotcha game. Next question.

Your new official state portrait is pretty queer - how did that happen?

I blame that guy on the right with the orange hair and German accent. I never agreed to those flowers. My concept had a bunch of nude women like the Houses of the Holy cover.

Which political candidate are you putting your support behind this year?

Well, TMS generally tries to stay non-partisan and I will do my best to keep that up. I won't name names, but I think Hillary Clinton is a cow and support the skinny chain smoker from Chicago. That will probably take you hours to figure out.

What is your stance on Props 94-97?

I've always been pro-gambling and general debauchery. Yes on 94-97.

Any truth to the rumors that you were part of a package headed to Minnesota for Johan Santana?

No, but there is truth the rumor that Johan Santana is a douchebag. I'm really going to enjoy watching the "Mets Malaise" sink in with this guy. By the All Star break, he should have an ERA closing in on 5. I actually saw people debating whether he was now the best starter in the NL. Can you believe that shit? From the NL West alone I would take Peavy, Webb, and Penny over Santana any day of the week.

Are you smarter than a 5th Grader?

Yeah and I don't need some hillbilly who cracks jokes about the confederate flag to tell me that. Your slave holding inbred ancestors lost Foxworthy! Get over it!

What about Beecake?

That's an excellent question, and I thank you for it. That's really the question of our time isn't it? Who are we? Why are we here? And what about Beecake? Well, I don't have to tell you, scholars have wracked their brains for millenia over that very question and I think we would be naive to think we could answer it today.

Is it true you're looking to outlaw the seedy practice of Rickrolling?

I am. People ask me all the time what I do since leaving office. This is the answer. I try to outlaw Rickrolling. I can think of no greater threat to Western society. Its a detriment to public health and a drain on our national treasure. New studies from Universidad Nacional de Bolivia or somewhere equally prestigious suggest Rickrolling may spread the AIDS virus, not unlike Rick Astley himself.

Would you be attracted to the human end of a female centaur?

I don't think so, but I guess it would depend on what she looked like. If she looked like Kathy Bates, no. If she looked like that little sexpot Winona Ryder, yeah, I'd at least consider it.

What is your reaction to the fact that your wife recently told the press that she's looking for a "taller husband" for red zone posessions?

Sharon and I had a good run, but seriously, she's pretty old. Fifty? Sixty? Christ, I don't remember to be honest. We don't really speak anymore. She likes that awful show Lost and I just don't want to hear about the possible metaphysical meaning of that murderous smoke plume. Maybe she can bag that Yao Ming dude. As the product of Chinese pollution and genetic manipulation, his options are pretty limited, so I think an old former First Lady of California would be a good catch for him. She's still hotter than the walking skeleton married to our current Governor. Did Arnold marry one of the claymation corpses from The Nightmare Before Christmas? But yeah, Sharon and Yao, I wish the two of them the best. Me? I have my sights set on that little sexpot Winona Ryder. Mmmmm....

Thanks everybody!

If you have questions you would like the fake deposed Governor of California to answer in a future press conference, email us.

The Governor's Thursday Press Conference

Too lazy to write an entire column about something, I have decided to field questions. Nothing is off limits, and please pay no mind to the preachy tub of goo over my shoulder. Lets get started:

Who do you think will win the World Series?

The California Angels of Los Angeles of Anaheim. It really pains me to say that though. Bandwagoning Angel fans in Orange County rank just above herpes, Stalin, and Austrian weight lifters in my book. The rally monkey and "lifelong" Angels fans since 2002 are going to drive me mad.

Who do you have representing the NL?

I don't know. I doubt it really matters. All four AL playoff teams are better than anyone the NL is going to put up. I'd say Arizona, but they may not even make the playoffs.

What do you think of the Cubs' chances?

Their chances are as good as anyone I suppose. Who would have thought they would be the closest to wrapping up a playoff spot this late in the season? I see two keys for them: 1) Zambrano has to keep it together. The playoffs are no time for one of his emotional meltdowns. 2) Don't give the ball to Ted Lilly with anything on the line. That guy is a pantywaste and will just curl up in the fetal position balling like a girl.

Are you catching any new TV shows this fall?

No. All the new shows look terrible. Isn't that Journeyman thing just a Quantum Leap ripoff? No one has ever ripped off Scott Bakula and lived to tell the tale.

Not even Cavemen?

If I'm going to watch a program length commercial, it had damn well better have Ron Popeil hocking shitty kitchen gadgets.

Why don't any radio stations play music in the morning?

I've wondered this damn near all my life. The last thing I want to hear when I roll out of bed and head in for another dreary day at the office is some douchebag yammering about their sex life. Every god damned station has a morning show too. Just play music you assclowns!

What was your take on the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speech at Columbia University?

I'd be lying if I said I paid much attention to it. Columbia is a kick-ass Oasis song though. Definitely Maybe CD. Go buy it. Now.

Are the Trojans going to reclaim the national title this year?

I don't follow hockey. Next question.

Seen any good movies lately?

Well yeah. I just watched Octopussy again. That was even better than I remembered. The sequence on top of the German train really got my heart racing.

You probably meant new movies though. Not really. The last one I saw was Deathproof. God, what a snooze fest that was. Quentin Tarantino at his worst. Its supposed to be a thriller, but its about 90 minutes of pretentious, overwrought dialogue followed by about 15 minutes of action. That scene with the girls talking in the diner was particularly painful.

Football question. The NFL seems topsy-turvy this year. Who do you think is the best team and the worst team in the league?

Best has to be New England. Tom Brady is putting up video game numbers at QB and with this taping nonsense, they're more motivated than ever.

Worst team would have to be Buffalo. They're actually in worse shape having lost JP Losman for a few weeks. Thats a good indicator you suck.

OK guys. Thats it for today. I have to go eat my usual lunch of a turkey sandwich with mustard and a bag of veggies. Rob here will have his usual side of bacon and a liter of buttermilk - no cigarettes though because that would be bad for you.