War Criminal: Commercials

Not many things annoy me. I can handle the screaming baby on the plane, the flat tire in the rain (in AZ, nonetheless), and even shopping on the day before Christmas. But commercials annoy the living b'Jesus out of me. Fortunately, thanks to modern technology like Tivo and DV-R most the shows I watch are recorded so I can triple-f (fast-fucking-forward) right over them. But once in a while I have to watch something live. Like sporting events. And Jersey Shore. Here are a couple that piss me off the most.

Subway, Michael Phelps and the Winter Olympics
So Michael Phelps just smoked the biggest bag of weed ever. So much that he is SO hungry that he just keeps swimming and swimming, all the way to Subway, which unlike where I live is not right around the corner. No, Mr. Bongwater wants Subway from Canada. Why? Because it's the Olympics, dumbass. The ad whiz's at Subway figured that America is so stupid that we can only equate the Olympics with Michael Phelps, even though his Olympics won't be around for another 2 and half years.

The Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet
Taking directly from our previous brand, Taco Bell has launched it's all new diet menu. Yep, cause when I think healthy, I think Taco Bell. So they took off the cheese, big fucking deal. I still yo no quero Taco Bell. Unless it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm wasted, which is exactly the time that I am thinking about my girlish figure. How can the same restaurant offer a healthy menu and a fourth meal? Apparently eating only 3 times wasn't good enough for you fatty. Honestly though, four meals isn't enough for me. Brunch isn't only for Sundays anymore. But don't worry, one of those meals is off the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet Menu, so I'm eating healthy.

Ford F-150 and Reading
You know, I like Denis Leary (in spite of the fact that he spells his name like a douche). I like his stand-up. I like Rescue Me. But I can't stand his fucking commercial for the Ford F-150. A recent trend in commercials is to have a top named celebrity do the overdubbing. The theory is simple-you recognize the voice, but can't quite place it, so you think about more and more, thus making you so insane that you remember the product. Except you don't. I know J.D. from Scrubs is water, but I can't remember what fucking water to drink. DAMN IT! But I digress. The thing I hate most about the Ford F-150 commercials is that every time Denis Leary says something, the words he has just spoken fly onto the screen in some "hip and edgy" manner in a "grungy" and "manly" font. It's almost as cliche as a Michael Cerra movie title being in some hand drawn font. On the upside, if I was deaf I would still understand the commercial. If only there was some type of way they could get the words to what everyone was saying on the screen for all the other shows and commercials. Fuck, until then I guess I will just have to read the lips of everyone on TV. Was that, "I love you" or "elephant juice"?

Cialis
Even though I am on the fast track to needing this stuff, what with the heavy drinking, poor diet, chronic masturbation and all, I still hate thinking about old people boning down. It's gross. Unless you're talking about Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. HOT! But that's not what annoys me the most. How the fuck do these old people get those tubs everywhere? Oh, it's just a metaphor. I get it. Because when I think of sitting in a tepid pool of my own filth, I immediately get horny.

Southwest Airlines
Southwest loves my bags. You know how I know? Because they tell they do right in their commercials. Apparently the guys at my airport didn't get the memo though, as whenever I see my bags boarding the plane, they are being thrown about without a care in the world. And when I say my bags, I really mean your bags, because I'm a guy and even a 2 week vacation will not stop me from using only carry on luggage.

Well, I don't think I can take it anymore. Got any commercials you hate?

Thunder Matt Snubbed By ESPN Chicago: This Aggression Will Not Stand, Man

In case you missed it, ESPN Chicago put out its list of the 10 greatest Cubs of the past decade. While the list is highly debatable (Theriot at #8? Dempster ahead of Sosa?), one name was surprisingly absent from the list. Yep, it looks like the ginger prejudice is still alive and well in 'Merika (Dempster doesn't count, he's Canadian), as TMS's own namesake, Matt Murton failed to make the list.

While you can look at stats all you want, some things are intangible. Murton brought sex appeal, an underdog attitude, and of course a lovability to the Cubs that is rarely seen. Would Murton piss on his hands and then shake yours? I think not. Would Matt cork his bat just because he was having a slump? Hardly. Did the Redheaded Wonder ever lead the league in "simulated games"? Never. Can he grow a beard faster than it takes Daft's mom to take her clothes off in exchange for a 40 of Old E? You betcha. What's that, these things don't make a player "the greatest of the decade"? Well, GFY then. Fine, let's look at the stats. A lifetime .299 hitter for the Cubs doesn't mean anything I guess.

Sure, since leaving the Cubs, Murton's luck has changed and is now off in Japan. But don't forget the great times he had here in Chicago. One needs to only look as far as the 28 plaques in the Thunder Matt Trophy Room to be reminded of that. Just as the Ted Lilly Fan Club is miffed about the absence of TRL to ESPN Chicago's list, we implore you Cubs fans - email, text, call, fax, send a letter, anything to get to those bastards and demand that Matt Murton be added to the list. Do it for Ginger Awareness not only in Chicago, but everywhere.

Pop Culture Gauntlet: HBO vs Piet Mondrian

Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.

Today's match: HBO vs. Piet Mondrian

HBO

Also known as the "Hebrew Box Office", HBO was the first premium channel to hit the new-fangled experiment called "cable" back in 1965 in Manhattan, NY, USA. The project was bought out by Time Life in 1973, and was soon into full swing of distributing it's Jew-run media all over the country. By 1989, Time had merged with Warner Communications, becoming Time Warner which is now HBO's parent company and largest distributor of lies and misinformation to the masses. Although it's beginnings were optimistic, people soon got tired of watching the same reruns of movies. But what HBO did have was strong sports programming. It became the first TV network to deliver it's signal via satellite when it broadcast the "Thrilla in Manila" in 1975. HBO has also featured coverage of Wimbledon, WWF, NHL, NBA, ABA, PBA, LOL, GFY, and the channel's longest running program, Inside the NFL ran from 1977 to 2008 before it was picked up by Showtime. Trying to compete with the major 3 networks may seen like a daunting task for a subscription-based channel, but HBO has done a decent job, putting out a variety of original programs, which we all love because they often feature suggestive themes and high amounts of swearing, violence and nudity which make them unsuitable for regular cable (although we all know Skinemax late night is still far superior in the 10 - 19 year old male market). Some of it's original shows which have gone on to experience a great amount of success include The Sopranos, Deadwood, Sex and the City, and Six Feet Under as well as Ginger favorites such as Flight of the Conchords, Eastbound & Down, Cathouse: The Series, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mr Show, and of course Fraggle Rock. Today HBO consists of seven multiplex channels including HBO 2, Comedy, Family, Latino, Signature, and Zone as well as an On Demand service.

Strengths: Swearing, violence and nudity for starters. Original programming and the ability to watch free movies (as free as paying for a premium cable channel gets). No commercials.

Weaknesses: It's not really "More Than You Imagined™", it's the same 'ole HBO. Movies and programming gets repetitive.

Fun Fact: The first program and film broadcast on HBO, Sometimes a Great Notion, starred Paul Newman and Henry Fonda.


Piet Mondrian
Mondrian (as he was known by everyone except his mother, who affectionately called him "Little Peter") was a Dutch painter born on March 7, 1872 and was the most famous painter of the De Stijl art movement, which of course was named after an early White Stripes album. His paintings consisted of a white background, onto which black horizontal and verticals lines were painted and then filled with the three primary colors. At a time when art was going through major changes, Mondrian's Neo-Plasticism laughed in the face of critics and the general public as well, being one of the first artists to evoke the "If I can paint it, it's not art" attitude of ignorant "critics" around the world. Mondrian's art introduction came at a very early age as his father was a qualified drawing teacher. He would go onto to become a teacher at the Academy for Fine Art in Amsterdam, where he primarily worked in the Dutch Impressionist Manner of the Hague School. In 1912, Mondrian moved to Paris, where he was highly influenced by the Cubist movement and artists such as Picasso and Braque. In 1914 he returned to the Netherlands where along with artists Van der Leck and Van Doesburg he founded the De Stijl, in which the artist's theories signaled a complete break from representational painting.

From 1919 to 1938 Mondrian worked in Paris and then from 1938-1944 he moved between London and New York, continuing his style of thick black lines on a white background with boxes of the primary colors scattered throughout. His most famous painting, Composition with Red, Blue and Yellow (above), perfectly exhibits the principals of Neo-Plasticism which Mondrian strove for throughout his entire career. In 1944, Mondrian died of pneumonia in New York. Mondrian's influence on the world can still be seen today, traditionally in the furniture and architecture of the world's greatest designer: Ikea.

Strengths: Unlike other Minimalists like Barnett Newman and Mark Rothko, Mondrian was not bat-shit crazy.

Weaknesses: His artwork is most recognizable by non-cultured people as the early reason why Modern art is such a disaster.

Fun Fact: In May, 2008 Nike released the SB Dunk, styled after the work of Piet Mondrian.

Happy Turkey Day, from the Saloon!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! As you all settle into your La-Z-boy and zone out watching football while the your in-laws bicker about which parent made your cousin Chad "gay", please remember a couple of things.

1. You will not be able to eat as much as Jim Hendry, Lou Piniella, or Geovany Soto on a pot bender this Thanksgiving, even if you are wearing your super stretchy stretch pants or decided to just wear a "Snuggie" and nothing else. Give your stomach a break and keep it to three or four plates of food (plus dessert, of course). Remember, the gravy boat is for everyone, it's not just a fancy looking glass even if it is placed directly in front of you at the table.

2. Do not act upon that awkward attraction to your new cousin whose mother just married your Uncle Jack. Sure, there is no blood relationship between you two, and getting away from the family and your crazy Uncle's war stories to go fool around in the laundry room might seem like a good idea at the time, especially after more than a few rum and cokes, but you are going to have to see this person at least a couple times a year. There is no breaking up with family and it can only lead to uncomfortable glances and having to avoid this person for the rest of your life, or until your Uncle Jack finds a new gold digger.

3. When deciding on whether or not to participate in the after-dinner game of tackle football, we realize some of you may be delusional in grasping the concept of aging. Just make sure to ask yourself, "Does my insurance cover back/hip surgery?" If the answer is yes, then go ahead, enjoy. If not, you might want to arm chair quarterback this year's game.

4. Deep Fried Turkey: best attempted before hitting the tequila.

5. Leave politics to the politicians. Sure, you might feel the need to tell everyone about how Obama is fucking up this country and point out every little fucking detail about it, but really, no one gives a shit about your warped hidden racist views.

And finally, give thanks, it's Thanksgiving Day for fucks sake. Not sure what to give thanks for this year after you lost your job, your wife and girlfriend left you and didn't even leave the dog and that 10 speed with frozen tires is your new "ride"? Well, here are some simple things that the bartenders are thankful for this year*:

Wolter: 1979
Daft Funk: Titties
Chaim Witz: The fact that KISS will never die
Dave Thomas: Cotton balls
Chip Wesley: Sneaking into "New Moon"
The Hundley: The Biggest Loser
Brant Brown: Hating me...and everything for that matter
White Chili: Mousetraps
Lingering Bursitis: Scotch eggs
Arcturus: Diet soda
Adam Blank: Obscure horror movies and vodka

And me, I'm thankful for all of you, reading this shit I put forth into words, errors and all, both here and at College of Idiots. Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy your fucking mashed potatoes!

*None of the bartenders actually approve the things they give thanks for, I just made them up.

Target: Making My Life a Living Hell

I always used to like Target. I mean when I would compare it to it's evil nemesis, Walmart at least. I don't even shop at Walmart, absolutely refuse to. But recently I have been rethinking all the good memories I've ever had about shopping at Target, and by good memories I mean that in the most abstract way a person who hates shopping can have about entering a store that is an acre full of mindless walkabout zombies.

Mashed potatoes, the most impossible thing to make since the scotch egg.

The scene is this: a couple weekends ago I decided to make mashed potatoes to accompany the Beef Bourguignon I was making for traditional gameday feast that we have when my friends and I get together for the Bears games on Sunday. Like most Americans, I prefer my mashed potatoes of the real variety. None of that boxed, dried, or Country Crock in-a-tub shit. Unlike most Americans though, I make my own mashed potatoes, which I was grossly unaware of when I went on my extremely long and frustrating journey to find a hand potato masher. You see, I don't own a mixer, like Rachael Ray I don't bake, and I also prefer my mashed potatoes to be a little lumpy. You know, some texture so that it doesn't taste like grandma's nursing home food.

I was sure the aisle with all the kitchen gadgets in the grocery store would have one, no problem I assumed. But you know what they say about people who assume don't you? So when the grocery store that I went to purchase the potatoes, butter, cream, cheese, bacon and scallions (I was making cheddar-bacon mashers) didn't have one I didn't fret. Surely the Target next to my house would have one, it's even one of those "Super" Targets. But like I was saying, you know what they say about people who make assumptions.

Like the record player and Brant Brown's happiness, this object is nearly impossible to find nowadays.

Fifteen minutes at staring into a 30 foot long aisle of every kitchen gadget ever known to man outside of the Bed, Bath and Beyond store later I felt like someone was playing a horrible joke on me. With only 30 minutes till the Bears game kickoff and all my friends on their way to my house, I was astounded that even though Target carried 10 "sandwich crust removers" (apparently knives are too difficult to operate nowadays), they didn't carry any potato mashers. Well, this just couldn't be right, I had to ask an employee if they were just out and had some in the back, even though the 2 empty rings were clearly not marked for potato mashers.

I know we throw the term around pretty loosely here at the Saloon, but I truly believe this to be a War Criminal: people that wear red shirts in Target. Why the fuck would you wear a red shirt in Target unless you are there specifically to fuck with me when I need to find something? I must have walked up to at least 3 different people before I realized they were just shoppers and not employees. And fuck Target for not handing out real uniforms. What, they can't afford them? Have you ever noticed that the employees get to pick their own red shirt to wear, and they usually pick one that is so common that fifteen customers in the store will also be wearing the same exact shirt at that moment?

Target employees: too young and fat to be strippers, for shame!

After FINALLY finding an actual employee I was told that they didn't have any and that they also thought it was strange that they didn't carry them. Fucking-a-right it's strange. But I guess it's just America today, too lazy to mash their own potatoes. Fortunately, the good people across the street at Walmart (like I said, I never shop at Walmart, but am reconsidering) had a potato masher, even if it was basically a 3" plastic circle with a couple holes punched into it that was attached to a handle flexible enough to be a Chinese gymnast. I might as well have used my hands to mash those potatoes. So my point is this, 'Merica, if you plan on mashing your own potatoes this Thanksgiving and don't have a masher or a mixer, make sure to reserve an hour of your day to travel to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a real, old-school metal masher. Enjoy your fucking potatoes!

Stuff White People Shouldn't Do

This is list is inspired by a couple things, some of which will be discussed below. The main reason for this list though is the blog, Stuff White People Like. If you haven't read this blog yet, I highly suggest you take 5 minutes of your break, pour yourself a cup of coffee or wine, get cozy in your sweater and shorts with your vegan sandwich that you bought at Whole Foods and take a gander, it's the funniest thing you'll read all week, besides of course Marmaduke in the Sunday New York Times (seriously though, just click on one of those links).

Bald Guy/Dreadlocks
While the two are the complete opposite hairstyles, one that is no hair whatsoever and the other that is WAY too much hair, neither of these "dos" should ever grace the dome of a white guy. Why not, you may be asking me? Well, let's just look at the reasons for your choices, sir.

First off, bald guy, why are you shaving your head? It's probably because you are going bald and one day decided, hey, I'm going bald and am going to do something about it. So instead of going out and getting Rogaine or joining the Hair Club for Men, you decided to take the slacker way out and just shave your head. And don't give me that, "It's cheaper and my chick digs it" bullshit. If you add up the amount of money you are going to spend on shaving cream and razors it's going to more than just getting implants or some topical medication. And no, chicks do not dig bald guys. It's like when guys say it's okay that their girl has a flat chest. Sure it makes for a better personality, but deep down inside we wish your bosoms were ample enough to motorboat when we come home drunk from Friday's happy hour.

On the other end of the hair spectrum, if you have dreadlocks and are white we know exactly what type of person you are - a dirty, foul smelling hippy. As white people we all go through our Bob Marley or Grateful Dead stage, but unlike you we didn't smoke enough pot to drop out of high school and become deadbeats. This isn't the 60's anymore, fuck-face. Your mixture of the hippy culture and Rastafarianism isn't fooling us. Your parents are jewish/catholic. You were lucky enough to celebrate christmas and hanukkah. I can smell your dirty dreadlocks from down the street. What is that, a bird nesting in your hair? You know what's even worse than the white guy with dreadlocks, mon? The braided hair. Just look at how stupid Axl Rose looked with that.

So white people, I hate to say it, but leave the bald guy/dreadlocks to black people. Who is the most famous white people that you know with these types of hair styles anyways? Kojak? The "cool" kid you buy your weed from? You're not fooling anybody. You're not Michael Jordan or Bob Marley. You're pathetic.

Ever saying "my nigga", the "n word" or any variation of the "n word"
Listening to the local FM morning show on the way to work, a caller had a story about something he didn't understand. A co-worker who was black and his friend would show up at his desk everyday and call him his nigga in regular conversation. One day the white dude said it back. The black guy didn't care so much, but another co-worker, an elderly white women told HR and the white guy found himself being suspended. It probably took this guy a while to get balls enough to call his co-worker that back, and thinking he was being "cool" just ended him up with a week's worth of docked pay and probably put on probation.

As a white person, I get it, you have black friends. Or at least you say you do to make yourself not look racist. And even if you don't, that's okay too. But even if all of your friends are black, you are never, NEVER, NEVER allowed to use the "n word" (unless somehow THIS happens to you). I don't care if you're friends use it all the time. I don't care if they call you that. Sure, you're friends might be cool with it. But just wait until that one time when you're out in public and someone overhears you say it. Yeah, it's not going to be so cool anymore. You are going to get your ass beat.

This isn't a discussion of whether black people should be able to use the "n word" or not. You are white, therefore you are NOT allowed to say it. End of story. Look, I won't even write in this post because I'm white.

Pimping Your Shit
There are many cool things about the hip hop culture. 20" rims, getting crunk, gold teeth just to name a few. But they don't belong to you. Stop trying to pimp out your ride. If you are listening to the latest P Diddy joint in your car, take after Michael Bolton in Office Space and turn that shit down before rolling up to a stop.

No, not that Michael Bolton.

Unless you are heavily Italian, you don't need to be wearing gold chains. And yes, girl, you're ass is flat. You are white, it's supposed to be like that. Those push-up pants or underwear or whatever you're doing back there ain't fooling me. Stick to the things that are "white people safe". Maybe a pair of pre-ripped jeans, or an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Sure an earring is okay (really it isn't), but why not try out that lip or eyebrow piercing instead. Want to pimp your ride? How about a spoiler or some flames? That shouldn't make you look like a douche-bag, but honestly, it probably will.

Naming your baby something "original"
There has been a growing trend, especially among the celebrity culture, of naming your newborn something creative. Fucking stop it! 90% of white people come from an Anglo-Saxon Christian background. Stick with the biblical names, or at least the regular white people names. You want your daughter to grow up and be a stripper, go ahead and name her Destiny, at least she won't have to change her name when she applies for the job. In fact, there are tons of sites that have names on what NOT to name your baby. Here is one for instance. Butch? India? Lennon? Talullah? GFY!

So white people, please stop trying too hard. Stick to things that we like. For instance, living by the water, irony, co-ed sports and dinner parties.

The War on Errorism

Last night a friend and I were having a nice dinner before going to see a Yo La Tengo show (excellent performance btw, check them out on You Tube if you get a chance). Discussing how our days went, she had brought up that she was having a business lunch with one of her clients and a couple co-workers. They were talking about their industry and how it was a "perfect storm" that the economy had fallen apart so quickly along with a downturn in their industry's performance. One of her co-workers, who has obviously never been in an actual business/social situation, brought up an interesting email that she had just read about the President and the brewing of another "perfect storm". The email alluded to the election of President Obama on the basis of "change" and then went on to compare the current state of the United States to Germany in the 30's. It concluded with many similar correlations between Obama and Hitler.

Notwithstanding the obvious faux-paw of my friend's co-worker of mixing politics with social situations, let alone business ones, combined with the fact that my friend is half-Jewish, it amazed me that this person would actually not only repeat this, but present this as fact without a little fact checking. So I did my own. The article she was referring to was actually an email from a Harvard professor entitled History Unfolding. He obviously has his credentials and knows what he is talking about:

David Kaiser is a respected historian whose published works have covered a broad range of topics, from European Warfare to American League Baseball. Born in 1947, the son of a diplomat, Kaiser spent his childhood in three capital cities: Washington D.C., Albany, New York, and Dakar, Senegal. He attended Harvard University, graduating there in 1969 with a B.A. in history. He then spent several years more at Harvard, gaining a PhD in history, which he obtained in 1976. He served in the Army Reserve from 1970 to 1976. He is a professor in the Strategy and Policy Department of the United States Naval War College and has previously taught at Carnegie Mellon, Williams College and Harvard University. Kaiser’s latest book, The Road to Dallas, about the Kennedy assassination, was just published by Harvard University Press.

And here is an excerpt of the correlation between Obama and Hitler:

As a serious student of history, I thought I would never come to experience what the ordinary, moral German must have felt in the mid-1930s In those times, the “savior” was a former smooth-talking rabble-rouser from the streets, about whom the average German knew next to nothing. What they should have known was that he was associated with groups that shouted, shoved, and pushed around people with whom they disagreed; he edged his way onto the political stage through great oratory. Conservative “losers” read it right now.

Seems pretty consistent, right? Except for the fact that the "email" was a fraud and was debunked by the author himself shortly afterward. On his blog of the same name as the email, Dr. Kaiser (it was incorrectly stated that he is not a doctor, but his comment proved my lack of research, so much for the post!?!) informs us:

The first two sentences, beginning, "For the past thirty years," were of course written by me; the rest of the email was not written by me. Its views are in many ways the opposite of my own. It is apparently some sort of conservative disinformation campaign, quite possibly the work of a single individual, designed to muddy the political waters by falsely attributing views to others. I obviously regret the deception.

OMG! Something fake on the internet! Alert the internet police. Seriously though, if you've made it this far into this post you have probably already heard or read this story. The comparing of Obama to Hitler is nothing new.

Websites like Obama Is Literally Hitler make radical comparisons all the time, ranging from the subtle: Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Castro being nominated for a Nobel Peace prize (none of them won, and if you do your research, basically anyone can nominate someone for the prize), to the absurd: Hitler also had a white Mother.

But this is not my beef. Of course the internet is riddled with opinions and false truths. This is nothing new to most of us, except when it comes to a reader finding something that supports their extremist views, be it right or left. It's amazing when someone finds something that is questionably fake that they will totally ignore researching the source or facts within and start mass-mailing everyone to share in the "great reveal" that they have just discovered. The greatest fail is that most of these people are actually well educated. But in their spree to "teach" others, they forget the basic principals of their higher education.

Even as an art major I had to write multiple research papers for my art history classes, and having one of the most respected Art Historians in the country as my professor, he didn't just put up with turning in any old fluff and bullshit. Many nights were spent in the library, scouring through articles and books, checking my facts to support my arguments. So when I hear that someone is spreading the "truth" of something they found on the internet it astounds me. It took me all of 10 seconds to not only find the email that my friend's co-worker was talking about, but also that it was fake.

So please, do not take this post as support or decent against our President. It is not about right or left wing hypocrisy. I'll leave that to people like Rush Limbaugh, who thought that he was not being talked about enough in the mainstream media so he popped his fat melon into the world of the NFL and once showed us that, yes, it is all about you Rush. For the same reasons that Rush will not be an owner of a pro football team, you should research and educate yourself on something before you start spewing opinion as fact. Learn from people like my friend's co-worker and don't make yourself into a self-righteous, uninformed asshole.

Now if you excuse me, I have to write an a post about how Jimmy Clausen is the new Joe Montana.

Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Eight

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon a Top 10 list of my own.

8. Goal from outside the penalty box (soccer).

As with hockey, soccer (or football as some foreigners call it) is rarely seen in America, so it's amazing plays lack the known difficulty factor that would push it higher up the list. But every once in a great while a soccer highlight will creep into the Top 10 Plays of the Day.

While most of the bartenders at the Saloon have a decent knowledge of the happenings in the soccer world (and by decent I mean they watch a couple games a year of the English Premier League and call themselves "fans"), I don't follow the sport at all. And it's not that I don't want to, but unfortunately most of soccer is about as exciting as watching the grass grow in my lawn, which is to say that I live in the desert and don't have a lawn, just dirt and rocks.

The odd thing is that I used to play soccer as a yute, my dad coached YMCA, and I would go see the local college team play every weekend. While NIU was not the elite of the NCAA soccer world, they did play higher level schools and for the most part they could hold their own. But as I grew older and stayed the same height while my peers were sprouting up around me, my dream of becoming the goalie for the Chicago Sting slowly faded, as with my interest in soccer. Like most Americans, my greatest memories of soccer take me back to kindergarten, running around in a crazed pack with 21 other rug rats while we all tried to just randomly kick a round ball. The highlight of the day of course was getting oranges and Capri Sun during half time and going to McDonald's afterwards for chicken nuggets and chocolate shakes.

But this post isn't just about me, it's about the Top 10. As I've explained, for the most part Americans think soccer is pretty boring. Unlike hockey, which also includes a lot passing and back and forth of possession, soccer lacks the possibility of fighting, and so the only excitement comes in the form of the scoring. But when you think about it, some of the things that these guys can do with a soccer ball are pretty amazing. The most creative are the long goals taken from outside the penalty box. As the ball twists and dips like a Marmol slider, these shots are impossible for the goalie to stop, and thus their magical trajectory makes these plays great inclusions for the Top 10 Plays. Adding to the mystique of the goal is the announcer's call, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!", which makes the play seem as if it was the greatest thing to ever happen since the invention of the Goreo. Then the player will usually run around for a while, rip off his jersey and his teammates will all jump on him and fellate congratulate him.

So by taking more skill to achieve than a hole-in-one and having more of a "wow" factor than the hat trick, the long goal ranks numero ocho in my Top 10: Top 10 Plays of Sports.

Ginger's greatest #8: Like I said, I know very little about soccer, but I would have to say this one is pretty impressive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzJh5V38W1E.

Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Nine

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon a Top 10 list of my own.

9. Hat trick (hockey).

The hat trick is a rare event when a hockey player will score 3 goals in one game, which is a pretty amazing feat when you think about it. The only thing that keeps the hat trick from being higher on the list is that most of America doesn't actually watch hockey, so most people don't realize that the hat trick is so cool that fans will actually throw their $30 hats onto the rink in a show of appreciation, fully knowing that they will never see it again (of course smart fans close enough to the ice will actually bring a backup hat, similar to fans in the bleachers at Wrigley bringing backup balls to throw back in case an opponent hits a home run).

According to Wikipedia, the hat trick's origins vary, and there are there are many variations of the hat trick, including my favorite, a Gordie Howe hat trick, which a player achieves by scoring a goal, getting an assist, and getting in a fight, all in the same game.

Ginger's greatest #9: Mario Lemieux recorded a "5-goal hat trick" (or "ultimate hat trick", "quintella", "Texas Hat Trick", or "Lemieux Cycle") in which he scored in all five possible game situations in one game, on 31 December 1988, against the New Jersey Devils. He scored on a powerplay, short handed, even strength, penalty shot, and an empty net goal.

Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Ten

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon a Top 10 list of my own.

10. Hole-in-one (golf).

Get in the hole! Why won't you go to your home?

The hole-in-one always makes it into the Top 10. And why not? This seemingly impossible task is about as rare as spotting a black man at a Church of Scientology convention. (Yes, I know Will Smith is a Scientologist, I did say "black man".) According to the United States Golf Register, the estimated odds of acing a hole with any given swing are one in 33,000. This combined with the fact that most of us do not have the Daly-esque power to get an ace on anything but a par 3, and most courses only have about 3-6 per 18 holes, unless you are a golf pro and play every day the chance of you or I ever achieving it is even rarer.

The one thing that does appeal to us as fans about the hole-in-one is while none of us will ever win the Super Bowl or the World Series and then go out with hot supermodels that we will then impregnate only after learning that they have given us a gift in return in the form of syphilis, but that's not the least of our problems because we just shot ourselves in the leg while tending to our Cock Fighting Ring...wait, I'm rambling. What I meant to say is that while it is highly improbable, you or I could actually hit an ace in our lifetime.

The stakes are even raised during amateur golf tournaments, many of which will offer cash or cars for someone who does hit a hole-in-one on a particular hole. So how can we improve our chances of achieving this feat and possibly ending up on SportCenter? Well, according to holeinone.com there are many averages to those who achieve the elusive ace.

Average age of a Hole In One golfer: 44.6663 yrs., or about the average age that you are fed up with your wife and start golfing every weekend, even though you HATE GOLF!

Day of week most Holes In One occur: Friday.

Day of week least Holes In One occur: Sunday, because God HATES GOLF TOO!

Club most used in making an ace: 7 Iron, because just like Paris Hilton, everyone can hit a 7 iron.

But does it really take talent to hit a hole-in-one? Let me tell you a little story about a man name Jed, poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. No seriously. One day a buddy and I were paired up with a couple of douchebags that were about as horrible at golf as they were annoying. One guy must have just picked up golf, because he was particularly bad. As we approached the 17th hole he must have been already shooting around 100. Dude hits a line drive shot on the par 3 over the water and onto the green past the hole, which was lucky enough for this guy. Only the back of the green is a hill, so the ball rolls up the hill, back down the hill and into the hole. Mother-fucker! So it just goes to show you that it isn't all skill.

To date, 22,717 have registered their hole-in-one's at holeinone.com. The greatest person to ever get an ace, of course, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who according to official government news agencies, routinely hits between three and four hole-in-ones per round. So while your hole-in-one to win a million dollars might make it your 15 minutes of fame, the fact that basically anyone can do it and it's more of a novelty puts the hole-in-one at Numero Diez on our Countdown.

Ginger's greatest #10: Michael J. Crean of Denver, CO- 517 yard par 5 9th hole at the Green Valley Ranch Golf Club on July 4, 2002.

Chicago Cubs Fashion: Hats Edition

The Cubs season is all but over, but with this being a "Cubs blog", and not much being written about the Cubs lately, I feel the need to write about something Cubs related (it seems Arcuturus has suspended the Koyie Hill Appreciation Society, along with the my hopes of breaking the longest time I have ever waited to see a semi-nude girl naked on the internet since the invention of usenet). Sure, I could talk about the rumors of Z being traded, or what went wrong this season, or even the always popular "new" Wrigley Field. But I think I will attempt my hand at Cubs fashion, and so I give Cubs fans their guide to purchasing your new Cubs hat for the 2010 season.

First let's look at the classics:

This hat says, "I'm a Cubs fan". Nothing pretentious or obnoxious, just the same hat that the players wear on the field. Now remember, if you were born before the 90s make sure to curve that bill first. Don't even try to be like the "hip generation" with their flat billed hats. And for that matter, and this SHOULD need no explanation, but make sure to keep that hat on forward and straight ahead. No tilting to the side. If you are in a frat, it is acceptable to wear your hat backwards to warn everyone else that while you may blend in with your peers, you are in fact still a douche.


Then we have the "Warm Up" hat. Also acceptable in most cultures, although if you have dumbo ears, you may want to avoid this hat as the side "flairs" accentuate these appendages. The advantages of the this hat include the stretch fit and the special lining which helps to move sweat away from the head, keeping you cool for while you are playing Beer Softball or hitting the links.




This is like your tradition Cubs hat, but not fitted. It is perfect for the semi-Cubs fan. It's not annoying and at least it doesn't have a big "Bank of America" logo on the side that indicates that you got as a free giveaway. But the lack of actually buying a fitted and more comfortable hat shows you don't have your heart completely with the Cubs...that, or you like to use the hole in the back for stringing through the hair of your sweet mullet.



Now we move on to the alternatives to the Cubs hat. This is a nice version that the team wears on those patriotic days like the Fourth of July, 9/11 and Memorial Day. This hat says, "I like the Cubs and America, but I'm not going to shove my jingoism down your throat like a redneck hick." No, that would be for Cardinal fans.




This hat is similar to the traditional Cubs hat, only a little more "hip" for the kids and their "faux trailer trash" style, at least a couple years ago. This hat features a mesh backing and a "grungy and worn" look, that makes it look like you've had this hat since 1976, but we all know you weren't even born yet. Us old folk are really laughing behind your back, but you're too "edgy" to notice.



Now these hats are a little different. They all feature a variation on the Cubs logo, and with different colors than the Cubs colors. These hats are okay novelty hats that can be worn once in a while, but should never be the wearer's "regular" hat. They are usually purchased by girlfriends and wives who think they look "cute" and that "you need a new hat because the one you have is smelly and dirty". They aren't super obnoxious and are okay for young and old folk alike to wear whenever you're feeling in the mood to change it up a bit, or to please the giver of the hat.

WHOA DUDE, that hat is too damn flashy. You know this guy. The one that still wears his Zubas from the 80s and cuts the sleeves off of all his shirts. Be careful of anyone wearing this hat as they may be roided out and attempt to rip your head from your body.





Umm...okay? Plaid? Really? Let's go golfing?







Pink hat! Either you have a vagina, or you're the guy that sits in the third row right behind home plate at every home game that I like to refer to as, "Pink Hat Guy". It's cool, we understand you are okay with your sexuality if you wear this hat, unless you are that douche with the pink popped collar as well.




This is a kids hat, particularly for little girls. If you are wearing this hat, you have serious issues.







This is not a hat, it's a visor. If you are wearing this you have even more serious issues. Or you didn't want to mess up your sweet faux hawk. Have another Bud Light, dude!





And of course we have the "Gangsta" hats. They can easily be identified by their flat bills, off-centered logos and hologram sticker, which the wearer will refuse to remove. I would say that only gangsters wear these hats, be we all know real gang-bangers wear Sox hats. People wearing these hats are probably white, live in the suburbs, and their parents are city council members. If you are over the age of 18 and wearing this hat, please just do us a favor and buy a Sox hat. You sir are the worst offenders of so-called Cubs fans.

And finally, get over it! Cubs season is over. You should be wearing your Bears hat. Bear Down!

TMS Banter: the Food Edition

Over the past week, the Saloon has been a-buzz about food. And why not, we all enjoy eating, right? While I have been absent for most of the conversations, I thought I would weigh-in on my prospective, and give our readers something of a behind the scenes look into the brilliance behind the minds of the Saloon. So I give you the food topics, that TMS may or may not endorse.

Sweet Corn

Oh, how the battle has raged on about sweet corn in the Saloon. You see, Chip Wesley lives in Iowa. He claims that Iowa has the best sweet corn. I counter that Iowa stands for "Idiots Out Walking Around" so his argument has no validity. As most of our readers are presumably from Illinois, I assume that you think you have the best sweet corn, and you would be correct. And then we have Adam Blank, from California, who thinks his sweet corn is the shit. Sorry Adam, just like you think your air is breathable, your governor isn't a pot-smoking, juicer martian, and that only YOU can prevent forest fires, you would be wrong.

I come from DeKalb, IL. If any of our readers have gone to school at NIU, you know about Cornfest. The annual festival that occurs the weekend before school opens features such interesting events such as a 10K run, a dunk tank, washed-up 80s bands, and of course, the Corn Boil. Yep, every year Del Monte donates tens of thousands of ears of corn to be boiled up by an antique steam engine and served for FREE to thousands of customers on Saturday and Sunday morning.

As a kid, Cornfest was the highlight of the year. Of course I had never been to actual festivals like the Sandwich Fair or the Scandinavian Day Festival in Elgin. No we had Cornfest. Until I was 14 and went to Six Flags for the first time, I thought the Gravitron was the biggest ride ever. Of course, I also thought that beer was paid for in tickets and the Jefferson Starship was the greatest touring band of all time. Some highlights we also indulged in was the shish kabobs by the weird Greek stand, the elephant ears (fried dough covered in sugar and cinnamon) by the Jaycee's, buying a new pair of Umbro soccer shorts (to of course cover my neon yellow bike shorts I would wear underneath) at Chiltons, and of course the corn.

Fuck your fancy Mexican grilled corn, covered in cilantro, Cotija cheese and lime. You can go to hell roasted sweet corn with horseradish butter. And screw the South and their fried corn. The best corn in the world is and always will be corn from the DeKalb Cornfest Corn Boil. Pure and simple corn, the way nature intended. Steamed and boiled in a huge vat of sulphuric and lead infused DeKalb water straight from fire hydrant, and then completely immersed in a tub of drawn butter, if you didn't get at least two cobs you would be immediately labeled a heretic and quartered in the town square.

So as they say in DeKalb, "Come for the corn, stay for the...well, you can leave then, because we got nothing else for you."

Goreos

I missed out on the hilarity of the Goreo thread this week in the TMS Saloon as I was swamped at work covering for my vacationing boss, but apparently Goreos have been named the Official TMS Snack. So what's a Goreo you are probably asking yourself (as was I). The Goreo is the nickname for the Golden Oreo (which is apparently the nickname for something far worse). With Obama in the office, racists are popping out of the woodwork like Hines Ward at Buttery Hand Convention. I like to call them Republicans. With the influx of these Republicans, the makers at Nabisco noticed a drop in the sales of Oreos. Presumably these Republicans don't like anything black. And so was born the Golden Oreo, a vanilla wafer with the traditional white cream filling. Perfect for those who hate Obama and other Oreos.

In August of 2009, Nabisco also introduced the Double Stuffed Golden Oreo. This is made for overstuffed Republicans, mostly who congregate in the Southern regions of the country. And what better spokesmen for the Double Stuffed Goreos than the most recognizable hicks of the nation, the Manning Brothers...and that rich dude with the bad hair. YOU'RE FIRED! Not content with these commercials, I traveled back in time to when I was 14 and made my own Goreo commercial, which can be seen here. Buy 'em, you jack ass!

Cool Ranch Doritos

At Chaim's office (AKA, the Crew Bar and Grill), someone did an event where they had to use a bunch of mini-bags of chips. So for a week they had a shitload of leftover bags of Cheetohs, Doritos, Lays, Fritos and Cool Ranch Doritos. Almost all the chips were eaten, except for basically all of the Cool Ranch Doritos. An informal, and very scientific poll was taken and 63% of TMS bartenders (and interns) still enjoy the taste of Cool Ranch Doritos. Cool Ranch is the second longest running flavor of Doritos, obviously behind the traditional Nacho Cheese. For a short time Frito-Lay jumped on the "X-treme!!!" bandwagon and changed the name to Cooler Ranch, but soon changed it back.

Cool Ranch Doritos are the traditional snack of stoners, which would explain why no one at Chaim's work likes them, I hear their drug of choice is ecstacy and poppers. While I scoured the internet for the ingredients of Cool Ranch Doritos and why they taste so damn good, nothing particular popped out as a key ingredient as to why these chips are any different from the regular Nacho Cheese version. One site guesses that Cool Ranch are basically corn chips covered in Hidden Valley Ranch powder. One ingredient that I did find interesting was "natural flavors". You see, if a company puts a very small percentage of an ingredient, or that ingredient is part of a secret recipe, it can be vague about said ingredients. Upon further investigation, it turns out that Frito-Lay might be trying to trick the Jews and Muslims.

According to Wikipedia:
"Frito-Lay's website states that they use enzymes from pigs (porcine enzymes) in some of their seasoned snack chip products to develop "unique flavors". The presence of pig-derived ingredients makes them non-kosher for Jews and haraam for Muslims to eat."

Not being Jewish or Muslim, I am free to indulge in as many Cool Ranch Doritos as I please, although I prefer a much unhealthier snack, the Death By Processed Cheese (see below).

Cheese Puff, Nacho Cheese and American Cheese Slice, this can't go wrong.

As you can see, with the Cubs out of the playoff hunt and the Bears yet to play a regular season game, the conversation at the Saloon gets pretty interesting. Won't you join us?

Bear Down!

The Jason Marquis Effect

As much as you hate him, trading Marquis was probably the downfall of the Cubs 2009 season. During his Major League career, he has always played on teams (Braves, Cardinals, Cubs) that have reached the playoffs. While Colorado is in the Wild Card race and Marquis was an All Star this year, the Cubs are again waiting till next year.

Well, that's my theory. What's your off-the-wall theory on why the Cubs sucked so bad this year?

Bear Down!

Killer Peanuts: Proving One More Time A Black Man Was Wrong

This past Thursday through Sunday I traveled to Denver to help crew the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk. It was a nice and unexpectedly enjoyable break from the drain of everyday life. Although I was forced to give up on luxuries like flushable toilets, alcohol, smoking, television, internet, and the Cubs (the last I honestly didn't miss that much), I did get to spend a few days with some pretty remarkable women getting together to support a good cause. It was a little like I would imagine Lillith Fair to be like (I spent 3 days around 700 women, often in different stages of undress and still did not touch one boob) except the crowd was a little older and less hippy.

But that's not what I'm here to write about. Before the plane ride home as the flight bitches (that's the PC term right?) were giving there usual safety shpeel, they included one little nugget that sent me off like Milton Bradley on a close called strike three. Apparently someone on the plane had a peanut allergy and therefore they would not be serving peanuts on the flight.

WTF!?! I imagine if George Washington Carver was alive today, he would be forming a posse with the ACLU to sue not only the airlines, but basically every other social setting imaginable. Up until a couple years ago, I had never even heard of peanut allergies. But today, peanuts are like the new anthrax. Schools have banned serving peanuts or peanut butter. Huge warning labels warn me that products may contain peanut dust. Last year Safeco Field in Seattle introduced a peanut-free zone in their parks.

Yes, folks, the terrorists have won.

But my story doesn't end there. While apparently peanuts are now considered weapons of mass destruction, airlines have started to allow those little fucking lap dogs onto the planes.

Seriously you rich fucks, go fuck yourselves in your fucking asses.

If there is one thing that is more annoying than a baby crying in my ear for 4 hours it's a fucking inbred miniature poodle barking. That's not the half of it. I have allergies too. No one asked me when I got on the plane whether or not I have an animal dander allergy and if I wouldn't mind sneezing and having watery eyes the entire flight. Granted, I probably won't die from this allergy, but I might be sent to jail for a really long time when I jump out of my seat and strangle your little "Bubbles" to death for making me want to cut my own nose off.

So now I have two more people to add to my list. People bringing dogs on the plane and those with peanut allergies. Did you know that more than 5 times the amount of people died in airplane accidents last year than peanut-related deaths? You're all worried about death? Don't fucking fly. In the meantime, I would like to enjoy my little bag of four stale, honey roasted peanuts. Three of which I will eat and the last to make your dog eat, hoping he chokes on it and dies.

Bear Down.

Spare Some Change? GFY!

Why do I feel the need to say, “I’m sorry.” when a beggar asks me for change? You know what, I’m not sorry. In fact, “Fuck you.” I understand in these tough economic times that some people are down on their luck, but fuck you and your begging.

I had a friend once that lived in Denver and made his living by panhandling. On a bad day he made about $30, on a good day he could make up to $200. That’s more than I make for an honest (most of the time) day’s work. My friend would then go back to his studio apartment at night, go out to the bars and then order delivery when he got home. He wasn’t homeless. He wasn’t destitute. He was just really good at asking people for money and figured he could make a lot more doing that than working at McDonald’s.

I also had a friend that got a job in downtown Chicago and passed the same homeless guy every day asking for a buck or two for a sandwich. So you what she did after a couple weeks? That’s right - she made a couple peanut and butter sammies and tried to give them to him the next day. He told her to fuck off and almost physically assaulted her for “insulting” him.

You know who I like? Beggars that aren’t afraid to ask for what they want. If you came up to me and said you wanted a couple bucks for a forty I would gladly reach into my pocket and hand you a five spot. Because you were honest.


And don’t ask me for a cigarette after I might have felt giving that day and handed over the change in my pocket. You might as well ask me for a small nugget of gold while you’re at it with the price of cigarettes.

So Heilman, Miles, Jeff ND, at the beginning of next year when you’re out of job don’t even think about asking me for my spare change as I pull out of Popeye’s (like how I turned this into a Cubs post?). One of these days I’m just going to punch you beggars in the face and then stab you and take the small fortune of quarters and dime bags of crack you have in your pockets.

Bear Down!