TMS Investigates: Why Won't Joe Blanton Release His Tax Returns?

TMS recently found out Dodgers pitcher Joe Blanton won't release his tax returns.

What is he hiding?

We're on to you, you slippery son of a bitch.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Los Angeles Dodgers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the decaying husk of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Or just take a nap like Tommy. They stink anyway.

2015 Finish: 92-70, 1st in the NL West

So Long: Zack Greinke, Jimmy Rollins, Jamey Wright, Adam Liberatore, Bronson Arroyo's Contract

Welcome: Kenta Maeda, Scott Kazmir, Joe Blanton, Aroldis Chapman (lol no, just kidding)

Projected Lineup:
1. Carl Crawford/Scott Van Slyke, LF
2. Howie Kendrick/Chase Utley (seriously)/Kiké Hernandez, 2B
3. Justin Turner until his knee explodes, 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
5. Yasiel Puig, RF
6. Corey Seager, SS
7. Yasmani Grandal/AJ Ellis, C
8. Joc Pederson/Kiké Hernandez, CF

Starting Rotation: Clayton Kershaw, Scott Kazmir, Kenta Maeda, Alex Wood, Ross Stripling
Bullpen: Chris Hatcher, J.P. Howell, Louis Coleman, Pedro Baez, Joe Blanton, Yimi Garcia
Closer: Kenley Jansen

Disabled List: Hyun-Jin Ryu, Brett Anderson, Brandon McCarthy, Mike Bolsinger, Andre Ethier

Screech Metal Lyric That Sums Up My Feelings About This Team:

"Fuck everything, everything!"
- Suicide Silence, Fuck Everything

Welp, this is probably it for me. I can't see myself caring about baseball after this season, and honestly, I'll be faking it this year. The team of my youth is now a sad shell of its former self, run into the ground by the Frank McCourt debacle and now by a misguided small-market philosophy that doesn't suit the team or the city. It's over gang. Time to tap out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be one of those assholes that goes and roots for Anaheim. I'm just leaving baseball altogether. Let's face it. It's always been boring anyway. Vin Scully has been carrying me through the last few years, but even he's had enough. Calling it a career after 67 years. Quitter.

Look at that starting rotation. Or don't. Alex Wood's terrible delivery hurts the eyes. Brett Anderson and Brandon McCarthy are on the DL because they are Brett Anderson and Brandon McCarthy. Platoons everywhere. I can't even hope for a trade because it's just going to be some half assed reliever from the Devil Rays anyway.

Nothing went right this offseason. They lost Zack Greinke to a division rival and replaced him with Scott Kazmir. They tried to trade for Aroldis Chapman, but he shot a wall. They had an agreement to sign Hisashi Iwakuma, but then he failed a physical...not that it would have been a particularly good move anyway. Kenta Maeda might be good, but then again he might be Kaz Ishii too. No one knows. They're just buying lottery tickets and hoping for the best at this point.

Reason to Watch: None. I exaggerate of course, but no, none. Sure it's Vin Scully's final season, but that's just depressing to think about. Yeah, that Kershaw guy is good, but the Dodgers are pissing away his best years hoarding prospects and fielding other teams' leftovers. I'm not wasting my time and you shouldn't either. If Kershaw wasn't so damn polite, he'd probably demand a trade.

Reason to Drink: Like I said, it's Vin Scully's final year. You want more? Well, we're going to be here for a few years. The front office is engaged in the most expensive rebuilding job in baseball history. Maybe by 2020 enough prospects will pan out for the Dodgers to contend, but by then I won't care anymore.

The Fans: By and large, we're assholes. Right now there is a split between TRUST THE PROCESS dopes who think the team can do no wrong because Fangraphs likes every move they make and the chuds that call in to Dodger Talk and write for the LA Times bitching about how NERDS are ruining baseball. I remove myself from this equation by hating everyone. Also, we'll fucking cut you in the parking lot.

Their Worst Contract: Andrew Friedman thinks he's smarter than everyone and spends money like an idiot hillbilly that won the lottery. He's attempting to recreate the magic they had in Tampa Bay where they fielded a boring product and never won anything. He's the highest paid executive in baseball and under contract through 2019.

Don't believe me? He actually thought Alex Wood and Fat Latos were going to help this team last year. Spoiler: They didn't. Neither did Jim Johnson. For most of this offseason, Friedman was content to start a platoon of Chase Utley and Kiké Hernandez at 2nd base. Chase Utley...getting regular playing time in 2016. Fortunately the market for Howie Kendrick was nonexistent and they were able to bring him back. The invisible hand saved Friedman from himself. This team is doomed as long as he's in charge.

Fantasy Standout: Corey Seager, but you knew that

Fantasy Bust: Any Dodger outfielder on your list is a terrible choice. Yasiel Puig has gone bad, Joc Pederson has the ugliest swing in baseball history, and left field is a radioactive wasteland with Carl Crawford still smoldering in the impact crater. Also, since they all stink, there are going to be lots of platoons so you'll have no idea about playing time.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Playboy Mansion - Sure it has a glamorous reputation and storied history, but it's just old and sad and full of legionnaire's disease now.

Welcome to Dodger Stadium. Remember how cool that Kirk Gibson home run was? Don't forget to take your Cipro.

Every 39 years like clockwork...

You can set your watch by it, every 39 years a Dodger hits for the cycle. For those of you who enjoy Aflac trivia, the last one was Wes Parker in 1970 - the last one until today anyway. One of the newest Dodgers, 2nd baseman Orlando Hudson, has broken the long drought.

An opening day hammering of the Giants is always sweet, but when you can tag Randy "rat face" Johnson for seven runs and sweep Wes Parker into the history books it's even better.

In the span of a week, I've gone from "meh, he's OK" to a full-on mancrush on the O Dawg. First, it's really nice to have a 2nd baseman who doesn't hate his teammates for a change. Secondly, he's pretty damn good. He's solid with the glove and has a surprising bit of pop in his bat. TMS is now taking bets on who will hit for the cycle next for the Dodgers, you know, in 2048. I'm guessing whoever it is is a few years away from the big leagues...or even being conceived.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Los Angeles Dodgers

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS

2008 SEASON: 84-78 (1st place in NL West, lost NLCS to Philadelphia)

SO LONG: AndrEw Jones, Jeff Kent, Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Takashi Saito, Nomar Garciaparra, Joe Beimel, Greg Maddux

WELCOME: Orlando Hudson, Randy Wolf

PROJECTED LINEUP:
1. Rafael Furcal SS
2. Russell J. Martin C
3. Manny Ramirez LF
4. Andre Ethier RF
5. Matt Kemp CF
6. James Loney 1B
7. Orlando Hudson 2B
8. Casey Blake 3B

Starting Rotation: Chad Billingsley, Clayton Kershaw, Hiroki Kuroda, Randy Wolf, Jason Schmidt/Hong Chi Kuo/Jeff Weaver
Setup: Guillermo Mota, Cory Wade
Closer: Jonathan Broxton

Before the trade deadline last year, the Dodgers were pitiful. They couldn't put anything together and the mediocre Diamondbacks were always just out of reach. Then Manny showed up, essentially for free, and carried the Dodgers to 1st place. As my co-bloggers are well aware, LA promptly swept the Cubs in the NLDS and then ran out of gas against eventual world champion Philadelphia.

In 2009, for the first time in my lifetime, the Dodgers enter the season without a gaping hole in their lineup. One through eight is solid and that nearly thirty year long problem at 3rd base appears to be solved with the return of Casey "Beardo" Blake. To mix things up, this year the pitching staff is a bit of a mess. There is no clear 5th starter, the ace has about two and a half years of major league service, and the #2 is so young he wasn't able to drink champagne in the locker room when the team won the division last season. In fact, as I write this, he still can't buy a drink (Happy 21 on the 19th Clayton). The pitching problems aren't limited to the starting staff either. The loss of Joe Beimel is going to hurt and the return of gas can Guillermo Mota isn't going to be pretty. Broxton was fairly solid filling in for Saito last year, but he's far from automatic and sure to give any Dodger fan indigestion. The Dodgers appear to have enough offense to beat the NL Worst into submission, but don't figure to get deep into the playoffs.

PRESEASON AWARDS:
Mr. Sexy Time - I was going to be an ass and give this to someone other than Manny, but lets face it, Manny is going to be the center of attention all year. Justifiably so quite frankly. The Dodgers haven't had an offensive threat like #99 since, well since ever.

Gratuitous Name Change Award - Russell Martin is now Russell J. Martin in honor of his mother, Suzanne Jeanson. From the who knew department, Martin's full legal name is Russell Nathan Jeanson Coltrane Martin Jr. "J. Martin" will appear on the back of his jersey this season.

See You on the DL by the End of May Award - Randy Wolf & Rafael Furcal. Randy Wolf is a 32 year old with the body of a 52 year old and since the Dodgers medical staff still applies leeches, I expect his arm to fall off after a handful of starts. Furcal has a gimpy back, which anyone with back problems will tell you, doesn't just go away. Fortunately LA is better prepared to absorb his loss this year. No such luck with Wolf.

RIP 2008 Dodgers

Time of death: 8:38 PM Pacific Time

More on this after I lick my wounds. In the meantime, fuck you Shane "Not in the face!" Victorino.

Game 3: The View from Loneywood

First, condolences.

I have many friends and loved ones who root for the Cubs and have no desire to see you go through this year in and year out. My own father is a long suffering Cubbie from the North Side. I had the advantage of growing up within ear shot of Vin Scully though, and if you can listen to Vin in your formative years and NOT turn out to bleed Dodger Blue, I'd like to know how.

I would be lying if I said I saw this coming. I always gave us a shot against Chicago even if no one else did (TBS didn't even include LA in their pathetic Bon Jovi playoff commercial), but a sweep was just too unlikely - especially considering I was attending Game 3 in person. The Dodgers do not have a stellar record in games I attend.

The atmosphere at the stadium was like I've never seen it before. They squeezed 56,000 in there and it was as loud as I've ever heard it. Every time the Dodgers had the Cubs down to two outs in an inning everyone was on their feet waving their Dodger towels in the air. Chants of "Sweep. Sweep. Sweep" erupted every now and then, usually when a Cubs fan walked by. The heckling of the Cubs fans in attendance was merciless. Frankly, I didn't see much point in it. The game kind of spoke for itself. It was easily the most exciting sporting event I've ever been to. Now, I just have to score some NLCS tickets... It looks like its going to be against those battery chucking assholes from Philly. Bring it on!

I've had better seats...but who cares, its the playoffs.

Ballpark etiquette what? Sit down bitch!

Down the 5, they have the Rally Monkey (gay). Up here we have the Rally Steve Perry.

By this time, my camera batteries were quite dead. I managed to snap one blurry photo of the team rushing the field after Broxton closed it out.

Game 1: The View from Mannywood

Or should I say Loneywood? Either way, wood is what I had after that game.

Obviously as a Dodgers fan, I would have a little different perspective on last night's goings on at Wrigley. Inexplicably one of my fellow TMS bartenders is asking me to share my thoughts about it. He's probably hoping I'll somehow jinx my team.

Ain't gonna happen. In fact, I'm not even going to write very much. You get blurbs. In this post-Sarah Palin world, who has time for complete sentences or coherent thoughts anyway?

- The first few innings were rough. Ryan Prom Night Dempster Baby kept walking guys and LA couldn't drive anyone in. I was livid. In fact, I was ranting about why the Dodgers continue to go up there hacking when its clear Dempster can't find the strike zone?

- Literally seconds later, Loney hits a Grand Slam. You could see the enthusiasm leave the building as he rounded the bases.

- OK, even I got tired of hearing about how sullen Cubs fans are. I can't imagine how you felt listening to Dick Stockton ramble on about that for the entire 2nd half of the game.

- After watching Manny golf a pitch a dozen rows up in dead center, anyone who claims Boston is better off with Jason Bay isn't smart enough to be McCain's vice-President. Jason Bay? More like Jason Gay!

- My keys for Game 2. Run, run, run. LA needs to get in Zambrano's head early. Also, more home runs from Loney, Manny, and Martin would be nice. I'd like to see Matt Kemp get in on the action so those two douchebags at the LA Times STFU.

Under Pressure

I've spoken in the past about how far ESPN Radio has fallen in the last few years. Yes, we can all thank our lucky stars that Dan Patrick has a syndicated show so that we're not forced to listen to Colin Cowherd in the morning. But most afternoon and evening sports radio is still broadcast locally, not syndicated, and when you're a Cubs fan living in or near Los Angeles this week, well, you're going to hear a lot of abrasive garbage on the drive home.

Personally I'd prefer not to speculate upon or predict any of these divisional series. I understand that the local radio hosts in the L.A. area are going to be homers, looking for every angle with which the Dodgers can take out the Cubs, even though the Cubs are heavily favored by national pundits. Starting pitching? I'll give the Dodgers some props in that Lowe, Billingsley and Kuroda have given the Cubs trouble in their small sample size of games this year. Manny Ramirez? No one is dumb enough to pitch to him unless his threat is totally benign.

So what real advantage do the Dodgers have for this series that begins in a few scant hours? Well, if you're John Ireland of ESPN Radio's 710 in Los Angeles, you are grasping at two straws. The first is the belief that "the Cubs are cursed, so the Dodgers will win". The second is that "the Dodgers are young and dumb, so the Dodgers will win". That's it, nothing more. The Cubs are cursed, the Dodgers are naive. Chalk it up. No need to play out the games.

Curse? The Cubs have some kind of curse? Hadn't heard. Good Lord I hardly have the heart to address this. It's overplayed and exaggerated, but sure, it serves as a cute little story. Yes, the players hear about the curse nearly every day. It's depressing to even feel the need to discuss this topic. There is no curse. Get over it. Quit talking about the curse as if you have some new and series-altering information. The team will win or lose based on the ability of the players to perform. Don't give me Bartman, because Alex Gonzalez lost that game. Don't give me the goat, because, well, that's just fucking stupid.

Now, just because there is no such thing as a curse does not mean that there isn't an inordinate amount of pressure on the Cubs. In fact, each of the eight teams in the playoffs is going to deal with some degree of pressure. It's the nature of the postseason. So, how would the final eight rank, pressure-wise? Here's my take, in order of the most pressure to the least:

Chicago Cubs: Sorry John Ireland and all the other neanderthals like Colin Cowherd that shun statistics, facts, and depth of knowledge about both teams; like we said, there is no curse. The pressure for the Cubs stems from the team winning 97 games, manhandling the rest of the National League, having arguably the best starting rotation, and being picked by many "experts" to win the World Series. Pressure lies in the organization finally making good after 100 years, for the fans, the cities, and all those that have passed on since 1908. That's an ass-load of pressure. But please, there is no curse involved. As long as they get the solid pitching that they're capable of, the defense holds up, and they score runs like they've done all year, they will advance to the World Series. The best team always has to come through in this manner. Pressure to perform, yes. Curse? Shut your mouth.

Philadelphia Phillies: Again, there is a history of ineptitude that needs to be overcome. They won it all in 1980, but man this city needs something to cheer about. Regardless of when or how they fail, at least they can go into the offseason knowing that they're not the Mets.

Los Angeles Angels: They have quite a bit of pressure due to the fact that they destroyed their division and were the most winning team in the AL. However, they won it all in 2002, so they're not exactly battling history; just a great Boston club that has handed the Angels their collective asses in previous playoff series. The Angels were 8-1 against Boston in the regular season though, for whatever that's worth.

Los Angeles Dodgers: They last won it all in 1988. Joe Torre has the pedigree, and they have some worthy pitching. The offense could be a concern outside of Manny, who every pitcher will avoid like the plague. They're going to need to rely on their youngsters like Ethier, Kemp and Martin to come through offensively. Youth cannot top experience, and being young does not automatically mean you handle pressure well. Look at Sarah Palin.

Milwaukee Brewers: I still can't believe they're in the playoffs. Gallardo is pitching their first game? I thought he was out for the season. They're jumping on Sabathia's back and hanging on for dear life. They've never won the World Series. Again, this is another town that is dying for something to talk about, especially since Favre is out of their lives. Still, there's not a ton of pressure built in when you're a Wild Card team. They're lucky to be here.

Chicago White Sox: They won it three years ago, so they're not starving for victory. They've had a decent run at the end of the season, but c'mon, they got swept last week by the Twins. They should have won the division outright instead of playing game 163. Very little pressure on the South Side, though Ozzie will be satisfied with nothing but ultimate victory. Hell, the players are probably getting more pressure in their own clubhouse than what they're getting from their fans or the city. Look for them to cave early.

Boston Red Sox: Once the model of failure (along with the Cubs), they and their town have succeeded enough in the three major sports in the last year that their shoulders are pretty light. They have the tools to go far, provided Beckett can pitch beyond Game 3 of the ALDS.

Tampa Bay Rays: I mean seriously, they're on cloud nine. And both fans are as well! You can definitely try the young and dumb argument here, but Joe Maddon will have these guys focused, and they have the pitching and offense that can get the job done. It's been a long, hard ten years for this franchise (sarcasm). Even one single playoff victory would exceed all expectations that they may have had going into the season. This team is already in uncharted territory, but should be able to build on this experience for the next few years.

How do these pressure rankings stack up? Anything to wholeheartedly disagree with?

Greg Maddux is a Dodger...Again

Greg Maddux is finally free from his turd brown prison in the Gaslamp. He's heading back to LA. Cubs fans will remember he was in LA once before, because you inexplicably traded him to us for Caesar Izturis (how did that work out?). In San Diego this year, Maddux struggled to win anything since the Padres struggle to walk on the field without screwing things up.

The last time Maddux put on Dodger Blue, he threw six innings of no-hit ball before a rain delay ended his bid.

West Coast Swingers Part II

Fresh off their stint in San Diego, the Cubs headed up to Los Angeles and venerable Dodger Stadium, in search of four victories and the ancient bones of Vin Scully. Well, the wins were not in abundance, but they did manage to split the four games. Vin Scully still having a pulse? Inconclusive. On to the games.

Game 1: Cubs beat the Dodgers 5-4. Howry picking up the win, Saito, not surprisingly, takes the loss in the ninth, and Wood tallies the save.

Brant Brown: After two successive excursions to San Diego, I'm skipping this game and catching it on TV. Actually, I ended up listening to the last two innings on the radio in the car. Fukudome stepped up with a solo homerun, showing that he can indeed hit the ball away from home. DeRosa launches another shot, proving every day that he's better with the stick than Brian Roberts. As we realized in Wrigley, there is no fear when Saito is near. Thing were looking sexy after this victory.

Game 2: Dodgers beat the Cubs 3-0. Kuroda gets the win, going the distance, Gallagher is tagged for the loss.

Brant Brown: I had two tickets in the reserved level for this game. I ended up eating them. Getting off work at 5:30 and having to battle the L.A. traffic proved too daunting of a task, so the wife and I went to a barbecue instead. Am I a bad fan? No. I was still able to sneak away about five times throughout the night to catch the score in the car. I clearly didn't miss much, as the Cubs were held to four hits and pretty much had their collective asses handed to them. I think I ended up making the wise choice.

Game 3: Dodgers beat the Cubs 7-3. Derek Lowe gets the victory, Zambrano takes the loss, and subsequently destroys two Gatorade coolers. Clearly they were at fault.

Brant Brown: This game was a mini-TMS meetup. Attending the game were me, Daft Funk, and the Governor. Before we even got in the car to make the drive, I was treated to a Pale-Off between Funk and the Governor. The Governor won. Both applied copious amounts of sunscreen as I watched. Breathlessly.

I've chosen to wear the Start the Riot shirt from the TMS store. This will prove to be a questionable decision at two points throughout the day. The first was when we arrived at Dodger Stadium. You know how they have attendants that check purses and bags before you get to the guy that takes your ticket? Well, apparently not having a bag does not automatically allow you to pass through this checkpoint. The woman badgered me for the contents of my left pocket. There she found my wallet. Believing the encounter was over, I walked forward but was met with an "Excuse Me Sir!" from behind. I then had to empty my pockets. At this point I realized that my civil rights were likely being assaulted due to the questionable T-shirt. After assuring her that I did not truly intend on starting a riot, I was allowed to pass through.

As Funk can detail below, the game sucked. After the game we hit a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle. Note to self: Do not wear a shirt that says "Start the Riot" to a predominantly African American restaurant.

Daft Funk: Meeting The Gov and Brant was a pleasure as always. We met up at Casa de Brown and hit the road, Stone Temple Pilots blaring. Traffic up to the stadium was almost non-existent. I should have taken this as a bad sign, as there is always traffic in Los Angeles. We wanted to get to the ballpark early to catch batting practice. Well, we got to the ballpark early, but being a day game after a night game, no BP was taken. So we did what any random fan 2 hours early to a game would do: we hit up the concession stands for some brats and beers.

At a previous Dodger game in 2006, I had the pleasure of being terribly underwhelmed by the famous Dodger Dogs. However, the brats they sell at the Stadium are 10 kinds of fantastic. add to that an $11 dollar beer, and you've got yourself a ballgame treat fit for the Gods.

The one thing that confused me so much that my head began to hurt was the fact that there were a lot of people at Dodger Stadium that had wrong stuff on. There were countless hats/shirts being worn that had no reason to be there, including the Reds, Red Sox (a mass offender), Pirates, Twins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Browns, Minnesota Timberwolves and Toronto Argonauts. It's like the people of LA woke up and said "Well, any sports team is a good fit for any sporting event!"

The game itself was unremarkable and boring. Aside from Fat Z's meltdown (which we were in prime position to see), there wasn't much going on. Brant and I tried to get a "Let's Go Celtics" chant going to infuriate the home crowd, but it's kind of hard to do so when the LA team is winning.

Game Highlight: There was a woman sitting in front of us with her husband that actually snuck a banana into the game in an attempt to get it to Zambrano so he wouldn't cramp up during the game. So the whole game, whenever Zambrano did anything good or bad, she would hold the banana up in the air and wiggle it around. When she wasn't doing that, she would just sit with it in her lap, idly petting it. Billions of dirty jokes were popping up (no pun intended) every minute we were there.

A little later into the game, the usher near us popped a beach ball that was making the rounds around our section. Most people booed, but Gov Gray and I tried to cheer her on for doing away with the disgrace to baseball. She gave us a really bitchy look and kept walking past our section. There's no need for that, miss. So after the game, the Gov was able to sweet talk the lady in front of us into giving him the banana she had. On our way out, Gov went down to the usher that had given us the cold shoulder and presented her with the banana as a peace offering. The look on her face was equal parts bewilderment, fury, confusion and unbridled horniness. Mission accomplished, Governor.

The other highlight of the day was a trip to Roscoe's House Of Chicken and Waffles in Long Beach. I didn't get to check, but I'm sure Kid Rock was there. I'm sure he wanted to punch someone in the face as usual. The highlight of the trip? Roscoe's in Long Beach is definitely a place where Caucasians like us were clearly outnumbered by an easy 5-1 count. Now I have no problem with this, but the fact that Brant was wearing a shirt that said "Start The Riot" made me a little uneasy.

Governor Gray Davis: Vin Scully: still alive and calling games in the vastly underrated one man booth, Harry Carey's alcohol pickled corpse in the ground somewhere - PWNED.

Its good to finally meet Funk and compare notes on paleness. For the game, I decide the only way I can out-shout the Cubs fans in attendance is too get drunk, so I start drinking $12 Dos Equis immediately upon arrival. It works wonders. The Dodgers haven't won a game I've attended in years, but the streak is at an end as Fat Z melts down and starts giving up runs to LA's dreadful offense left and right. I become emboldened and start singing "I Love LA" much to the chagrin of Funk and Brant.

The usher who popped the beach ball is utterly humorless. She clearly hates her life. Think about it - 99 times out of 100 if you randomly give someone a banana, you'd at least get a grin from the sheer absurdity of it all. Nothing from this girl.

As Saito strikes out some Cubs in the 9th, the Randy Newman starts playing and I'm happier than a pig in shit. We make our way out to the parking lot and after heckling some Cubs fans, I get ice thrown at me. Its OK though because we're in Brant's car. The Roscoe's is a great way to cap off this glorious day of baseball.

Game 4: Cubs defeat the Dodgers 3-1. Marquis (amazingly!) gets the victory, Penny is handed the defeat, Wood notches another save.


Brant Brown: In attendance for this game are myself, the wife, and the Governor. Again, we get to the park way too early, but at least this time we can take in batting practice. It was fun to see Zambrano hack at the ball, but one has to wonder how long it will be until he pulls a muscle swinging too hard. I hope Lou doesn't seriously use him as a DH in the American League parks.

This was the ESPN game of the week, so plenty of dignitaries were on hand. We had a good view on the field of the beached whale known as Jon Miller, and I stalked Peter Gammons throughout the game on my camera. Vince Vaughn was also taking in the game in the first row behind the Cubs dugout. I saw Gammons chatting him up on one occasion, and between innings, Soto tossed Vaughn a ball on his way back to the dugout.

The early homer by DeRosa was great, and Lee had that great stop in the 8th inning with the toss to Marmol. Wood closing down the Dodgers was a great way to end the road trip and wrap up our yearly excursions.

Governor Gray Davis: Horse and feeling the sting of overpriced beer from the day before, I decide not to drink too much today. Big mistake. After showing flashes of offense the day before, the Dodgers barely show up and get shut down by Jason Marquis. How the hell does that happen?

I have no love for this game at all. Basically, everything bad about the 2008 Dodgers is on display tonight. The only highlights for me are seeing Peter Gammons and the wonderful Camacho Nachos I pick up around the 5th inning. Even the team store is a disappointment. Its the Dodgers 50th anniversary in Los Angeles and they have virtually nothing for sale denoting that fact. At least Brant's "I heart Soto" shirt has the wrong number on it.

The mysterious $12 beer from Dodger Stadium.


How much to get drunk and watch this awful team?


Droppin' the F-Bomb. Fukakke!


The now famous "Banana Incident". She's totally checking out Gov's ass.


Peter Gammons: True Pimp.


On the way out of the stadium.

The Dodger offense this season (except on Saturday).

Juan Pierre: Take a Seat

In the first of what is sure to be a series of on-field indicators that Joe Torre is a better manager than Grady Little, the Dodgers have benched Juan Pierre. Andre Ethier, who hit .365 in Vero Beach/Beijing/Phoenix this spring will start opening day against the Giants and Barry Zito's double digit ERA. Pierre hit just .169 in Spring Training. Apparently, a 196 point batting average differential was enough to convince even the Dodgers that Pierre shouldn't be starting over Ethier or Kemp. Would 189 points have been enough? Well dude, we'll never know.

The Governor's 2008 Dodgers Preview

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, thats right, that Governor asshole is a Dodgers fan. I forgot." Yeah, thats right. I assume most of our readers (all five of them) are baseball fans in general and not just Cubs fans though, so I don't think these Dodgers posts are scrolled over quite as quickly as my Utah Jazz reports. Hey, a little inside info can't hurt for those six games a year the Dodgers and Cubs play each other.

Frankly, I'm not too excited about the 2008 Dodgers. They didn't really fix any of their problems from last year aside from upgrading to Joe Torre from Grady Gump. As I wrote at the time, they couldn't even do that right though. They offered Torre the job before having the common decency to fire Grady. I'm more and more pessimistic as it has become apparent that the Dodgers are subject to Frank McCourt's menstrual cycle. To keep it in perspective though, I still rate his ownership above The Evil Empire or the last few years of the O'Malley family after it was clear they lost interest.

My position by position (mostly) 2008 Dodgers preview:

Catcher - Russell Martin - Martin, 25 this year, was one of the few consistent Dodgers on offense last year hitting nearly .300 and driving in a team best 87 runs. His development into the best catcher in baseball will surely continue this year, although with the terrifying promise of more days off for him (Gary Bennett is the backup), those offensive numbers might stay static or drop a bit.

First Base - James Loney - The Black Mark Grace is now firmly entrenched at first and the team is better for it. Loney earned major respect not only for his performance on the field but for his willingness to stand up to the team's official bitter old fart Jeff Kent. Speaking of which...

Second Base - Jeff Kent - Closing in on 40, Kent's power is pretty much gone, but his shitty attitude remains. Unfortunately, he does as well. If the Dodgers don't do much early, I would not be surprised to see Kent shipped out of town midseason.

Short Stop - Rafael Furcal - I'll just be blunt, I don't like Furcal. Aside from his weak batting from the left side of the plate (where he took 72% of his swings in 2007), he's OK enough, but not good enough to earn the salary he commands. I would rather the team see what our 70 pound Asian wunderkind Chin-Lung Hu can do. At least this is Furcal's last year under that insane contract.

Third Base - Nomar Garciaparra/Andy LaRoche - The Dodgers have been looking for a third baseman since Ron Cey left town in 1982. Maybe they have one in LaRoche, maybe they don't. Its going to be hard to find out since they aren't likely to pay Nomar that huge salary to pinch hit.

Outfield - Juan Pierre, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, Delwyn Young, and AndrEw Jones - I didn't list these specifically since aside from my arch enemy Jones, I don't know where the hell any of them are going to play. If Kemp rots on the bench, I'm going to riot in the streets, so lets hope that doesn't happen. That leaves Ethier, Pierre, and Young fighting over the final outfield spot. Since Pierre makes as much as the entire Florida Marlins team, I don't see him spending too much time on the bench. Ethier and Young, who would be starting outfielders on many teams without any debate, look like the odd men out. Hey, look at the bright side, at least AndrEw Jones showed up to camp 15 pounds over weight... On second thought, I may riot in the streets because of this sorry outfield situation anyway.

Starting Pitching - Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Jason Schmidt, Chad Billingsley, Hiroki Kuroda/Esteban Loaiza - Finally, back to a position that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out and scream like Fred Schneider in a titty bar. Penny and Billingsley are both legitimate Cy Young contenders and Lowe, Schmidt, and Kuroda should be solid. Loaiza has a neckbeard, so I can't trust him, but he's a capable fill in if Schmidt's arm falls off again (another brilliant acquisition by Ned Colletti)

Bullpen - Joe Beimel, Scott Proctor, Jonathan Broxton, Yhency Brazoban, and Hong Chih Kuo (and a bunch of other guys who could step in if they have to) - The Dodgers have enough middle relievers to field a second team, which is handy since a few of them usually drop like flies, or in Beimel's case, get injured in surly bar fights. Broxton is a 700 pound gastropod who leaves a trail of slime when he goes to the mound, but he's turned into one of the most reliable set-up men in the game.

Closer - Takashi "The Mole" Saito - The Mole saved 39 games and had an ERA of 1.40 last season. Eric who?

All in all, they may very well make the playoffs but for the moment I refuse to get my hopes up. The division took a step back. If you think Colorado is going to repeat their success, you're probably smoking the same tainted weed you were when you said they had a prayer against the Red Sox last October. The Padres didn't improve where they needed to and the Giants will be lucky if they keep it to 100 losses this year. Bengie Molina is going to be their cleanup hitter...good luck with that. The Diamondbacks are the only worrisome team. They, like the Dodgers, are loaded with young talent, but unlike the Dodgers they didn't throw away valuable money on aging vets who will do nothing but suck up the kids' playing time.

Prediction: 2nd place, 85-77....prove me wrong boys, prove me wrong.

Pointless Game in Big China

"You know what Jack Burton always says... what the hell?"

Such is the reasoning behind the big (only) MLB news of the day, the Dodgers and Padres will play some spring training games in
China. Why China? Why the hell not?

The only real positive I see coming from this is the smoggy air in Los Angeles will seem clean to the Dodgers after breathing the toxic air in Beijing for a few days.

Oh, and by the way, this is another big fuck you to Vero Beach from Frank McCourt. This will be the team's last year in their long time Florida Spring Training home before they move to the Cactus League in 2009 and they've just lost three games to the land of brocoli beef and lead paint.

Happy F-ing Hanukkah Dodger Fans

Its Hanukkah, the festival of lights...or something. OK, I'll admit it, its just bullshit so Jewish kids don't totally get the shaft at Christmas time. Unless you run into a hasidic Jew with curls, you aren't likely to find one that can tell you what its actual religious significance is.

Back in real life, it means presents...and oh Dodger fans did your dotty old Uncle Ned get you something you won't forget!

Problem is, Ned isn't a Jew. He's an Italian, so he doesn't know what the hell to get you at Hanukkah. He recently married that insufferable Aunt who always asks when you're going to settle down with a nice Jewish girl. He wants to make a good impression on the family and make up for that crappy pen and pencil set he got you for your birthday, so he goes all out...and spends 18 million dollars a year on a career .263 hitter.

Yes, Uncle Ned, once again proving he's the worst Italian since Mussolini, broke the bank to give Dodger fans AndrEw Jones. A career .263 hitting centerfielder coming off his worst year is clearly what a team with too many outfielders needs. It would have been silly to get us that 3rd baseman we've been searching for since Ron Cey left town.

One overpaid, underproducing centerfielder wasn't enough. We needed another. Maybe the plan is to just leave 3rd base vacant. It couldn't be any worse than Nomar trying to play the field over there.

So whats my gripe with Jones aside from the fact another outfielder was completely unnecessary? Well, he doesn't hit for average or get on base a lot. He strikes out a ton and his defense is in decline. He also misspells his first name (which, as you can see, I refuse to play along with). The fact that the Dodgers now have $36 million dollars tied up in this sad sack doesn't help his case either.

So Happy Fucking Hanukkah Dodger fans. Ned and AndrEw...I hate you both.

FYI...if you do a Google image search for "Ned Colletti sucks" this picture of Bananarama comes up:

Grady Gets the Shaft

Grady Little is out as the Dodgers manager.

As you may recall (though I doubt you do), I called for Grady to be fired after the season ended. He made too many bad moves this year and ultimately lost control of the clubhouse.

This isn't how it was supposed to go down though. I'm now in the odd position of feeling bad for a guy I wanted fired. If the Dodgers were going to fire Grady, they should have done it. Instead, they affirm he's the manager and then proceed to spoon with Girardi and Torre. Poor Grady was left to twist in the wind, and today after reading the writing on the wall, he quit.

Whatever the results on the field were, Grady is a decent guy. He deserved to be treated better than this.

R.I.P. 2007 Dodgers

As I write this, the Dodgers are not yet officially eliminated from the Wild Card race, but they've lost 7 straight and have clearly given up, so I will do the same. The 2007 season is over. How long until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training?

Where did it all go wrong?

Injuries

Jason Schmidt missed most of the year and was only running on fumes when he did pitch. Things would have turned out very differently with a 1-2 punch of Penny and Schmidt at the top of the rotation. The surprisingly solid acquisition of Randy Wolf also fell apart along with his shoulder.

The loss of those two led to starts from the motley crew of Hendrickson, Tomko, Stults, Loaiza, and Wells. Ugh.

It turns out Rafael Furcal has been playing hurt all year too. Good thing they put him on the shelf to heal instead of letting him go out there and sandbag the offense. Oh wait...they didn't do that. They went ahead and let him play hurt and underperform.

Personnel

GM Ned Colletti made some dumb moves.

Roberto Hernandez was signed and Nomar was re-signed. Brett Tomko was allowed to go 2-11 with an ERA closing in on 6 before being released. James Loney and Matt Kemp were left to rot in AAA for months.

I seem to be alone in LA in liking the Pierre signing and dumping Betemit for Proctor was a good move, but too little too late.

Grady Little

I really liked the way Little managed the club in 2006. I cannot say the same this year. He has had a collossal six month long tantric brainfart that has crippled the team. I don't like a revolving door mangerial policy, but Grady should probably go.

Nomar was the 1st baseman for half the year, producing only one home run before being replaced by James Loney.

Russell Martin never got any rest.

Furcal was allowed to play injured.

Luis Gonzalez, who I think all Dodger fans expected to be an insurance policy, has been allowed to start over Kemp and Ethier all year. He's the fourth best outfielder on the team, but has gotten the bulk of the starts.

Grady's lineups seem to have been randomly generated. Ethier, a career .298 hitter, usually bats 8th. Russell Martin, the best player on the team, rarely hit higher than 6th. Nomar continued to bat 3rd until the all-star break.

As the Dodgers tank the last couple weeks, it seems like Grady has lost control of the team. They go down a couple runs early and give up. Jeff Kent publicly calls out "the kids" for not understanding the rigors of a pennant race. When asked how he felt about being called out by one of the team leaders, James Loney responds with the classic, "who says he's a leader?" Great line, but if Grady had any control over these guys at all we wouldn't be hearing these things.

Hope for 2008

Schmidt will be back, Gonzo will be gone, and Loney, Kemp, Ethier, Billingsley, and Broxton will all have another year under their belt.

Hopefully LaRoche will step up and take the 3rd base job from Nomar and maybe, just maybe, young SS Chin-lung Hu will make Furcal expendable.

If Ned Colletti so much as picks up the phone to talk to a FA other than a pitcher, he should be fired on the spot. The core position players of the future are all in place, so there is no need to bring in anymore veterans on their last leg.

Happy 80th Birthday Tommy Lasorda

The Gist/Counter-gist: Finale

The Gist by Governor Gray Davis

Cue up the Randy Newman, its another Dodger victory. Roll down the window, put down the top, crank up the Beach Boys, baby don't let the music stop...

Seriously though, I don't post this to gloat. I'd rather be staring blindly at the TV now. I pledged to do my part for these games to fulfil my role as Rogue Dodgers Correspondent, and I've done so.

My only real comment on the game is how awesome Charlie Steiner's call on the Loney home run was. He said, "James Loney has tied the game with one prodigious wallop!" Prodigious wallop will now make it into my daily vocabulary. Thank you Charlie.

I leave The Gist now, probably a little worse than I found it, but so be it. Perhaps next season I will ride again, or maybe in the playoffs in the unlikely event of a Cubs/Dodgers matchup. I think we've all seen enough Randy Newman pictures for awhile anyway.

The Counter-gist by The Hundley

Fuck Ryan Dempster.

The Gist/Counter-gist

The Gist by Rich Funk

Looking at the score, you would think that it couldn't have been much worse for the Dodgers, but considering that just before Aramis Ramirez hit his home run, Soriano AND Lee came very close to taking the ball out of the yard as well, I'm sure the Cubs could have hung a few more up on the scoreboard. Hell, they were scoring so much that the scoreboard operators "accidentally" put one of the runs up for the Dodgers. I think they just felt sorry for them.

It really is amazing to see the dugouts after the rosters expand and it looks like an overpacked clown car. Although I will say that it gets really annoying that the managers can bring in 800 different bullpen guys in the course of one inning.

I love Mark Hendrickson. I've seen him get lit up twice in person this year, and now once on TV. I can't tell which one is more fun. And I'm glad that Dodger fans can now enjoy players at first base on a popup go "Maybe I shouldn't tag up. Wait, who's in center...Juan Pierre? I'm taking this shit to third base faster than a drunken prom date!" His limp-dick arm is something you really have to see to appreciate...or hate.

Overall, a good win for the Cubs. And they did it at the same time the Brewers were pounding Houston, which means they don't scoreboard-check, or they just don't care. Both are good things.

Can I just get a picture of Mark Hendrickson in here?



Man, that's creepy.



The Counter-gist by Governor Gray Davis (edited by Nixon's severed head)

Shame Chicago, shame! Picking on poor Rocky Dennis like that. Cher will be very ticked.

Why is Mark *expletive deleted* Hendrickson still on my *expletive deleted* team? Quite a line: 0 IP 2ER. *expletive deleted* typical! Someone send a *expletive deleted* bus to splatter this *expletive deleted*.

The *expletive deleted* offense...blech. Juan Pierre doubles and steals 3rd with one out and no one can pick him up? *expletive deleted* you all. Losing to Ted "Pantywaste" Lilly is really going to stick in my *expletive deleted* craw for at least a couple weeks.

No more chance of a sweep and this sweet picture of Arnold holding a broom will have to wait.

The Gist/Counter-gist: Baseball History 101

The Gist by Governor Gray Davis

Start up the Randy Newman - Dodgers win again. No, thats not Chaim in that picture. At least I don't think its Chaim...

The Brooklyn Bridegrooms/Brooklyn Robins/Brooklyn Dodgers/Los Angeles Dodgers are guaranteed to leave the Windy City leading the all time series versus the Chicago White Stockings/Chicago Colts/Chicago Orphans/Chicago Cubs with a commanding three game lead out of 2015 played (Dodgers 1009 Cubs 1006). Why didn't the name "Chicago Orphans" stick? And how unoriginal is Charlie Comiskey? He just ripped off the name.

My once dead boys in blue look like they may make a run at the playoffs yet...


The Counter-gist by Chaim Witz

Why yes, that is me in the picture. And standing next me is none other than my father, Randy Newman...or is that Tommy Buzanis? Without the big mouth bass in hand it's hard to tell.

Here's a little known fact. Randy Newman actually wrote the last song played at my wedding reception. "(You Can) Leave Your Hat On" as sung by Joe Cocker. No joke. My whole wedding party and everyone else under 30 are dancing like idiots to outdated rap music and other tacky sing-alongs. Good times. The DJ, (I shit you not, it was Paula Poundstone) gets on the mic and says, "Allright everybody, last call. Last dance. Lets make a CRAZY one!" And then she throws on "(You Can) Leave Your Hat On". She might as well have thrown on a Nazi propoganda tape. Everyone kind of stood there for a minute and then all at once everyone got sad. The dancefloor emptied like a bottle of Tortilla Tequila on a dirty Mexican highway and that was that. So there's my Randy Newman story.

Oh yeah, the game. That's frustrating at best. I guess that answered the question that had been hounding Cubs fans everywhere, causing many a sleepless night: Is Steve Trachsel the answer? A better question might be: Is Steve Trachsel still alive? About as alive as the Cubs division lead. Barely.