Childhood Favorites: The Junior High Dance Edition

Most of us have been to at least one Junior High dance in our lifetime - maybe you went because your girlfriend/boyfriend dragged you, or because you promised your friend you'd be their middle school "wingman," or because your Mom said you needed to be more social. Or, hell, maybe you went to school dances because you actually enjoyed them. I personally didn't go to many dances while in Junior High. Why? Well, for starters, I had acne on my forehead, and the only way I could cover it up was to sport a giant wall of bangs. I also had a retainer that I was still getting used to, so I sometimes made the mistake of spitting when I spoke to people. I was also pretty tall, and a lot of the boys hadn't caught up to me height-wise yet. In short, no one wanted to ask Jolly Green Giant-bad bangs-acne face-"say it don't spray it"- E-Claire to the dance. Anyway, enough about my awkward adolescent years (I'll save the rest for my therapist)...The point I want to make it that when you went to school dances, you could usually count on hearing certain songs. So I polled the Pomp Culture Collective on the songs they always heard at their Junior High Dances, and here are some of the highlights...

C'mon N' Ride It (The Train) - Quad City DJs. The minute this song came on, naturally, everyone would form a train and start parading around the auditorium (or gym, or wherever the dance was being held). However, about a minute into the song, a chaperone would get on the mic and say "Excuse me! Please break up the train!" From what I remember, they thought forming a giant train was considered too "rowdy." Not quite sure why dancing around with your hands on someone else's shoulders was considered "rowdy," but whatever.

Macarena - Los del Rio. Even an uncoordinated jackass like me could do the dance that went along with this song. From what I remember, you basically moved your arms around and did a quarter turn when you heard "Eehhhh Macarena!"

Friends In Low Places - Garth Brooks. This was usually played to appease the country fans. However, since it starts out kind of slow, people would always assume it was a slow dance and grab their dates - only to be disappointed when it sped up. Suckers! (Side note: If you sing the opening lines of this song in front of Daft Funk, he'll get really irritated. It's kind of funny. I did it just now, and his response was "Oh my God I hate that fucking song!").

Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye. Is this really the message you want to send to a bunch of 12 and 13-year-olds with raging hormones?

I Swear - All-4-One. This song was usually preceded with something like "Ok - I've got one for all the couples out there..."

Mambo No. 5 - Lou Bega. In this sassy little number, the chorus basically consists of Lou Bega listing a bunch of girls' names. And at the dances that I went to, if you happened to be near a girl who had one of those names, they'd usually go ape shit. "Ohmigod! He said "a little bit of Erica by my side"and my name's Erica! Ahhhhhh!!!" Whatever, Lou. You didn't use my name.

Tubthumping - Chumbawamba. Holy smokes, if you wanted to get the dudes on the dance floor, this was the song that would usually do it. And who knew you could sing the words "Pissing the night away" so beautifully?

This Is How We Do It - Montell Jordan. I like how Montell Jordan takes time to "designate a driver" in this song. That's very safe and responsible. Good job, Montell.

End Of The Road/I'll Make Love To You/It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday - Boyz II Men. I bet these songs are still played at school dances.

More Than Words - Extreme. My friend and I tried to sing/learn this song on the guitar. We harmonized and everything. It was pretty awful.

Free Fallin' - Tom Petty. John Mayer has no business covering this song.

Blame It On The Rain - Milli Vanilli. Little did you know at the time that as you were lip-synching along to this song on the dance floor, so was Milli Vanilli.

Informer - Snow. This is what I used to hear when this song came on: Informer! kdlsflsjfksjfksdj sdjaskdjaskdjg...licky boom boom down!" However, I have a much clearer picture of the lyrics now that I've found this.

Lyrical Gangsta - Ini Kamoze. The chorus of this song went something like this: "Nah na na na nah...Nah na na nah na na na nah na na...Nah na na nah." Hmm...That might've been one too many "nahs"...

Summertime - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. I don't think this song needs an explanation.

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice. Whenever I threaten to "wax a chump like a candle," I usually just get a funny look...

Humpty Dance - Digital Underground. I, too, like my oatmeal lumpy. (unless that's some kind of euphamism...If that's the case, maybe I don't like lumpy oatmeal).

Everybody Dance Now - C+C Music Factory. Dancing to this song usually made me tired.

Poison - Bel Biv DeVoe. Situation is serrrriiiioouuuuusssssss.....

I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred. The video for this song made mesh shirts hip again.

Anything by MC Hammer - Who could forget this classic? Or this one? And the hits didn't stop after "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em!" After that, he became just "Hammer," and did 2 Legit 2 Quit. I could never do the damn hand movements that went along with that song. And just for fun, I'll throw in this song.

5 More Things I Don't Understand

A while back, I did a post titled "5 Things I Don't Understand," where I discussed my confusion over the popularity of things like Crocs and saying that something is "the balls." Well, there are still quite a few things that I don't understand, so I've decided to discuss 5 more...(this is the part where you either say to yourself "Eh - what the hell?" and keep reading...Or you say "fuck it" and wait for Daft Funk's afternoon post)...

1. Addressing an envelope to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Schmoe. As a lady, this kind of cheeses me off. I know that it was probably the proper etiquette back in the day to address a card or a letter to "Mr. and Mrs." and then whatever the man's name was, but can we maybe change this? I work hard. I pay my share of the bills. I have my own opinions and thoughts. Why can't my name be on the card, too? The word "Mrs." has 4 characters (if you count the period). My first name has 6 characters. Aren't I worth the extra 2 characters? (don't answer that). Or, hell, skip both of our names and just address the envelope to "The Schmoes." That'll save you a ton of time since you'll be able to skip writing everyone's first name. Also, I'm not going to be married for another few months, and I'm already starting to get items addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. blah blah." How do you know I'm going to change my name when I get married? What if I'm going to keep it because I'm too lazy to call my credit card company and the DMV to change my last name? Perhaps you see this as some feminist rant, but I just think it would be nice to see my name on an envelope once in a while...

2. Message tees. Now, I'm not talking about t-shirts that feature the name of a band, or a political candidate, or some kind of cause...I'm talking about the ones that say things like "If You Can Read This, You Haven't Had Enough Tequila." What is the purpose of these t-shirts? Are they supposed to inform me of something? I think I can judge when I've had enough alcohol myself, thank you. And what about the ones that say stuff like "I majored in beer in college." Um...Awesome? And what's up with the shirts that say things like "I'm a bitch and proud of it." Do you think that you can then be a bitch to me, and I'll say something like "Well, it's my own fault for getting into it with this person. They tried to tell me they were a bitch via their t-shirt and I just didn't listen." No. I will be just as irritated with you - with or without the t-shirt warning. And one time, I saw a shirt that just said "Slut" on it. Whatever happened to playing hard-to-get?

3. Surprise birthday parties. Now, let me preface this by saying I hate surprises. Why? Because 90 percent of the time, they're not good...It's hardly ever "Surprise! You've just won a million dollars!" It's usually more like "Surprise! I'm serving you with divorce papers!" or "Surprise! Those chicken wings you ate aren't going to sit so well in your stomach!" But here's why I don't get surprise birthday parties: When you throw someone a surprise birthday party, you usually have to pretend like you're not going to do anything for their birthday in order to pull off the surprise. Then, the person you're trying to surprise spends the weeks leading up to the surprise party pissed at you because they think you're a birthday-forgetting asshole. I'd rather just say "Hey. I'm gonna throw you a sweet birthday party," and have the person be happy with me the whole time. Also, 9 times out of 10, someone spills the beans about the party...And then, not only did you have to deal with the whole "you're a birthday-forgetting asshole" thing for a few weeks, but the surprise got ruined on top of it. I think I'll pass, thanks...

4. Unprotected left turns. You know when you have to make a left turn across traffic because there's no green arrow - just a solid green light? I hate those. First of all, they don't seem to do much for traffic flow (in my opinion), because most of the time, there's so much traffic going straight, that only like 2 cars get to turn left per green light. So then you've got a long ass line of cars backed up waiting to turn left. And secondly, unprotected left turns seem dangerous. I lived in Los Angeles for 7 years, and there were unprotected left turns all over the place. And you usually had to wait until the light turned yellow to make the turn - because the cars going straight would slow down as they prepared to stop at the red light. Well, how do you know that someone isn't going to speed through that yellow light and plow right into you? I don't need to gamble with my life every time I drive to work. I'd just like some more green arrows, please. I hope this explanation made sense. I've had a lot of whiskey tonight.

5. Those E*TRADE baby commercials. Do you know the ones I'm talking about? It's basically a series of commercials with a talking baby telling us about how he bought stock. Look, E*TRADE, I get the message - buying stock through E*TRADE is so easy, even a baby can do it. But do you have to send this message in such a gnarly manner? It seems like every time I sit down with something to eat, the commercial where the baby buys stock and then spits up comes on. Stop putting me off my bowl of rocky road, E*TRADE baby! And what about the one where the baby is telling us about E*TRADE Mobile Pro, and then gets some kind of weird e-mail message from a chick, and then the baby says "Oh, bad girl!" Babies shouldn't say shit like that! Look - babies are cute and innocent. They shouldn't be telling girls they are "bad" or whatever. And while we're on the subject of odd commercials, what's the deal with these new Geico ads where a stack of money with eyeballs shows up out of nowhere all creepy-like? Why is the money I could be saving stalking me? I guess this is why I don't work in advertising...

Childhood Favorites: The Nickelodeon Edition

"Welcome To Good Burger...Home Of The Good Burger...Can I Take Your Order?"

If, after reading that quote, you either A) said something like "Oh man! I remember Kenan and Kel! They were hilarious!" or B) said something like "The Good Burger movie sucked!" then you're probably in my age group...And you probably spent a lot of your tween years watching the various programming options on Nickelodeon (although I don't think we were referred to as "tweens" back then. I think we were simply referred to as "eleven" or "twelve".) Or maybe you didn't watch Nickelodeon because you had a life when you were 11 or 12. But I certainly didn't. Having acne and braces doesn't really land you any dates to the Junior High Sadie Hawkins Dance. But we'll discuss my painfully awkward adolescent years some other time...For now, let's re-live the Nickelodeon lineup of our childhood:

"Hey Dude." This was a show about a bunch of teenagers working at a dude ranch. The ranch was owned by Mr. Ernst, and his son Buddy was around, too. According to Wikipedia, Mr. Ernst bought the ranch to get away from his job as an accountant, and Buddy was pissed at the change of scenery. Who knew this show had so much back story? Anyway, from what I can remember, this show's basic formula was as follows: One of the employees gets themselves into a "pickle," (I think it was usually Ted. He was kind of a menace, from what I remember) and they spend the majority of the episode trying to get out of it, with everything getting wrapped up nicely by the time the half hour was over. Oh yeah, and this show had a sweet theme song. I'm pretty sure it both began and ended with some guy saying "Heeeeyyyyy Duuuuuuddde." I couldn't find the theme song on YouTube, but I did find this.

"Salute Your Shorts." This show was kind of the same deal as "Hey Dude," but instead of kids causing trouble at dude ranch, they were causing trouble at summer camp. The only characters I really remember are Donkey Lips and Budnick. They were always up to no good. There was also "Ug," who was the adult figure on the show. And who could forget the rediculous theme song at the beginning of the show? "Camp Anawana...We hold you in our hearts...And when we think about you...It makes me wanna fart!" Hah! Potty humor is fun! This is the best clip I could find of the intro. Ignore the random dude that seems to pop up every 30 seconds or so.

"Clarissa Explains It All." Ah, Clarissa Darling. Girls wanted to be you...Guys wanted to be with you (but only to hold hands...This was a show for kids, after all). This show was basically about the various happenings in the life of Clarissa. In the show, she breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience, hence the part in the title about "explaining it all." She has a pest of a brother named Ferguson, and a best friend named Sam who always entered her room via a ladder (how edgy!).

"All That." This was a sketch comedy show - kind of like SNL for teens. It launched the careers of people like Amanda Bynes, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Nick Cannon...Who went on to do things like star in the remake of "Hairspray," get pregnant, and marry Mariah Carey. It was also where we first met Kenan and Kel - the greatest buddy comedy duo since...Um...No one. I didn't find them funny at all. However, apparently someone thought they were funny...Because they got their own spin-off show (cleverly titled "Kenan and Kel" - to which Coolio sang the theme song. Side note: Coolio randomly made an appearance a house party when I was attending UCLA...I wasn't there, but my friend told me about it the next day. I have no idea why I decided to share this with you). And I'll admit that I actually saw "Good Burger" in the theater. I'll blame it on having a younger sister. Did you miss the movie? Here's a taste. You can now see Kenan on the actual SNL...Yelling at all of us to "FIX IT!"

"The Adventures of Pete and Pete." Honestly, I still don't know if I get this show - even today. It featured two brothers with the same name, a man known as the "strongest man in the world" who waltzed around in spandex, a band playing on the front lawn in the opening credits (the band is Polaris), and everything was shot with weird camera angles. And why on earth did little Pete have a tatto of a lady on his arm? Here's a fun fact for Cubs fans: In the show, Pete and Pete's Mom has a metal plate in her head which can pick up commentary from Cubs' games.




Ok, let's move on to some game shows, shall we?

"Guts." Do do do do ya have it? GUTS! This show featured contestants competing in various American Gladiator-type events, and at the end, everyone got to climb the giant mountain known as the "Aggro Crag." The winner took home a piece of the Aggro Crag, and probably some kind of mountain bike prize pack. When I was a kid, I wrote a letter to the people at Nickelodeon complaining that I thought host Mike O'Malley was a sexist because he never interviewed the female contestants as much as the male contestants. I also noted that I thought he should be nicer to referee Mo. Why don't I have that kind of motivation now?

"Double Dare." Oh come on...I couldn't not mention Double Dare! Who knew that trivia questions and slime could go so well together? And let's not forget the various versions of Double Dare - like Family Double Dare and Super Sloppy Double Dare. Good stuff.




"Legends of the Hidden Temple." I don't remember too much about this game show - except that there were various challenges involved, and the teams were named after colors and animals...Like "Green Monkeys."

And finally, my favorite show of all...

"Doug." Who didn't love this show about the everyday lives of cartoon adolescents? Characters included Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, Roger, and Doug's love interest - Patti Mayonnaise. I remember that everyone in the show loved a band called "The Beets," and their big hit was "Killer Tofu." And there was also "Quailman" - the superhero invented by Doug that involved wearing your underwear outside of your pants and a belt on your head. I think they tried to re-do the cartoon a few years ago, but it sucked because no one's voice was the same.

I'll close with this fitting tribute to the Nickelodeon shows we loved - performed by some young men at the University of Michigan. Rock on, boys...

War Criminal: Contact Lenses

The minute I turned 18, my vision started to go down the toilet. At first, I only needed to wear glasses when I was driving at night or when I couldn't read the menu board at Baja Fresh. But slowly, my vision has gotten worse...Nowadays, I can't really see anything that's more than 2 feet away...And on top of that, I have astigmatism in one of my eyes, so when I don't have my glasses on, everything's blurry. So now that I have to wear my glasses all of the time, it was suggested that I might want to look into contacts. At first this seemed like a good idea...With glasses, I'm always worried that I'm going to take them off for a few minutes, and accidentally leave them somewhere. I also worry that they'll fall off my face and I'll accidentally step on them, like that scene in "A Christmas Story" (minus the bb gun)...Or that I'll trip and fall on the sidewalk and they'll end up in a sewer drain. You don't have to worry about these things with contacts. However, the minute I was handed my first pair of contacts...I began to realize that they completely and utterly blow.

First of all, I could write an entirely seperate War Criminal about the person who was in charge of my "contact lens training." Since I'd never worn contacts before, the doctor made me come in for an hour of "training" - where I learn how to put on my contacts, clean my contacts, etc. You wanna know what my "training" consisted of? Basically, a very busy receptionist sat me down, spent 10 seconds showing me how to put my contacts on, then left me alone while she answered the phone. Every once in a while, she'd come back over and say "No - you're doing it wrong! You have to put it on your eye!" No shit, Sherlock! I'm well aware I have to put the damn lens on my eye! Pardon me if I'm a little slow because I've never shoved a piece of flexible plastic in my eye! Fuck you!" It seriously took me an hour to figure out how to put these damn things on. There's none of this complicated training with glasses...The doctor says "Here are your new glasses," you put them on, and it's a done deal. Strike one against contact lenses...

Then, there's the actual method you have to use to put on the contacts. With glasses, you stick them on your face, and you're golden. With contacts, you basically have to beat the shit out of your eye in order to get the lens in there. You pull your upper eyelid back with one of your fingers, pull down your lower eyelid with another finger, and then stick the contact in your eye with a third finger. I think I pulled out half my eyelashes the first time I tried doing this. I also poked myself in the eye about half a dozen times. Why on God's green earth would I want to do this to myself every morning? And the removal process ain't pretty, either. Strike two against contact lenses.

Another reason I hate contact lenses? My eyes always get dry when I wear them, so I have to use eyedrops several times during the day. This makes me look like I just smoked a joint in the bathroom. Not really the impression I want to make in front of my boss or my in-laws. There are no red, itchy eyes with glasses. And you certainly don't look like a stoner wearing them. Glasses make you look sophisticated and smart...When I wear them, I feel like I could solve those complicated math problems that Matt Damon was always solving in "Good Will Hunting." I don't feel like this wearing my contacts. Strike three against contact lenses.

Then, you've got the process of cleaning your contact lenses. After you remove them every day, you have to squirt solution on them, rub the crap off of them, put more solution on them, then stick them in the case. Maybe I'm just slow, but I lose about 10 minutes of my life each day doing this...And that's time I could've spent hanging out with my loved ones...Or reading...Or exercising...Or watching "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" re-runs. With glasses, you clean 'em with a cloth every once in a while and you're good. Strike four against contacts...

And here's the final reason I hate contacts: The cost. Yes, glasses can be expensive at first...But they last for years...And when you need a new prescription, most places will only charge you to replace the lenses if you keep your frames in good shape. Is this the case with contacts? No. You've gotta buy several pairs - the number depends on how often you throw yours away - and since I have astigmatism, I have to wear special contacts that cost about double what your basic pair of contacts costs. You've also gotta buy the cleaning solution and the stoner eyedrops. When all was said and done, a year's worth of contacts costs a pretty penny (at least it did in my case). Oh yeah, and at my optometrist, the eye exam for contacts was about double what the eye exam for glasses cost. Bullshit. Strike five against contacts...

So perhaps I just need to "get used to" having contacts, but for now, I really fucking hate them. The end.

War Criminal: New Years Eve

I look forward to January 1st every year. A new year means a clean slate...A time to start over...And a time to accomplish all of the things you said you'd accomplish on January 1st of last year. I can thank my New Years resolutions for clean lungs (I quit smoking a couple of years ago), and a more well-rounded mind (one year, I decided I would start reading more non-fiction books). This year, I have resolved to learn Spanish, and to cut back on my swearing (notice how I said "cut back" - there's no way in hell I'd be able to stop swearing completely). However, in order to get to January 1st, you have to get through New Years Eve...And I fucking hate New Years Eve...

I know what you might be thinking "But E-Claire! New Years Eve is great! You get to drink a lot, wear silly hats, and run down the street screaming when midnight rolls around!" First of all, around my household, the event I just described is also known as "Wednesday." And secondly, the reason I hate New Years Eve is because in my experience, drinking and merriment almost never occur on December 31st. Something always goes wrong. Allow me to explain...

When you're a kid, New Years is fine. You ring in the New Year with your parents and a juice box, and go to sleep happy because you got to stay up way past your bed time. But the minute you reach an age where it is now appropriate to make "New Years plans," shit hits the fan. I think my first bad New Years experience dates back to about 6 years ago. One of my family members - who shall remain nameless - convinced me to come with them to a bar to ring in whatever the hell year it was going to be. However, this family member then decided to ditch me (I'm kind of uncool), and I spent the greater part of the evening trying to find them. Once I did find them, they said they'd meet me by the bar "later," and I spent the rest of the evening sitting in a chair off to the side of the bar waiting for them. I tried to make conversation with the people around me, but they were drunk and kept asking me what I did to deserve a time out. It was pretty brutal.

Then there was New Years Eve 2 years ago. My friends from college were in town, and we decided we'd meet up with Daft Funk and some other people and have a "low key" New Years Eve. However, about 3 hours before we were supposed to meet everyone, I decided I'd eat a spinach wrap. Big mistake. I guess something in the wrap wasn't cooked right, because I started to feel lousy, and after about 2 drinks, I threw up all over the bathroom, and Daft Funk had to carry me home because I was so ill. And ever since then, I've had to live with stories of how E-Claire got falling down drunk on New Years Eve 2 years ago. It was food poisoning you jackasses!

Last year's New Years Eve celebration wasn't much better. Our friends invited us to go to some kind of organized event featuring bands and food (I was assured there would be no spinach wraps). However, it was like 75 bucks to get in, and Daft Funk and I couldn't afford it. So we stayed home with a 12-pack of PBR and fell asleep at 12:01am. Oh well, at least I kept my dinner down...

So after a string of bad New Years Eve experiences, I decided that 2008 was the year I take charge. I decided that I was going to throw a party at my house and do things on my terms. I would not be dragged out to bars by family members...I would not get sick...And I would not pay ridiculous amounts of money to watch some one-hit wonder band play while I sipped a watered-down vodka cranberry. Dammit, this year was going to be different! It was going to be drama-free! Well, I was fucking wrong. Even when you throw a party at your own damn house, things go sour. For example, I had initially invited a small handful of people to my gathering (we have a pretty small place), but some of those people took it upon themselves to invite 10 of their closest friends without asking me, and I'm now trying to figure out how to fit 30 people into my living room. Also, people have been asking me "What are we gonna DO at your party?" What? Are we 10 years old again? Do I have to set up party games? I thought that at adult gatherings, you just kind of stood around, drank beer, and talked. Why is this not good enough for my party-goers? Do whatever the hell you want at the party! I'll be drinking whiskey straight from the bottle swearing about how I'm never having another New Years party EVER!

So what is my point in all of this (besides sharing my lame New Years Eve stories)? My point is that I hate New Years Eve because something always seems to go wrong. Somebody gets sick... Somebody gets lost...Somebody complains that you didn't make enough crab dip...Somebody ends up in jail. And if you want to take the hassle out of New Years Eve, sure, you can go to an organized event, but you have to bankrupt yourself in order to do it. So this year, in addition to the Spanish and the swearing, I am resolving to give up making New Years Eve plans. I will stay at home with my Golden Girls DVDs and pretend it's just like any other night. New Years Eve, I'm done with you!!!!!*

*technically, I'll be "done with" New Years Eve next year, because I still have to have my party this year. I'm too lazy to call people and tell them the party's off...

College Football: End-Of-Season Awards

The regular college football season came to a close this past weekend...And the BCS selections have been made. But instead of discussing relevant college football issues in this post - like which teams got snubbed and which bowl games have the best match-ups - I'm going to do what I do best (apart from downing whiskey shots): Talk about completely useless crap. So without further ado, I give you my college football end-of-season awards.

The Kanye West "Take This, Haters!" Award: Nick Saban. Say what you want about his loyalty issues, but Saban is a pretty good college football coach (notice how I said "college football." We all saw what happened in Miami). After several years' worth of up-and-down seasons , Saban led the Crimson Tide to their first SEC title game since 1999 and a BCS berth. And this is only his second season as head coach. In short, Saban seems to have the team on a path to consistency. That is, if he doesn't bolt next year for another coaching job...

The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award: Michigan Wolverines. I know this was supposed to be a rebuilding year, but holy crap! Rich Rodriguez's first season in Ann Arbor resulted in a 3-9 record (the worst season in school history). This broke their streak of 33 consecutive bowl appearances. And just to throw another turd in Michigan's punchbowl, this year also brought their first loss to a Mid-American Conference team ever. Some people claim that Michigan will improve once RiRod gets players that fit his offensive style...But until then, he's not in the Big House...He's in the Dog House...

Best Quarterback Name: Colt McCoy. Come on, you have to admit, that's a pretty bad ass name. Here's the way I see it: If Colt doesn't make it in the NFL, his name allows him to have 2 choices for a backup career...He can star in Westerns, or he can sell used cars.


The "1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers" Award: Washington Huskies. They finished 0-12 (the worst football season in school history). They're the only winless Division 1-A team. They're the first 0-12 team in PAC-10 history. Do I need to say anything else?


The "Let Somebody Else Win For A Change" Award: Florida Gators. They won an NCAA championship in 2006...The BCS title in 2007...Another NCAA title in 2007...And now, after a one-year hiatus, they're back in the BCS title game. Come on, Gators! Ohio State had the decency to stop making it to title games...Why can't you? Besides, do we really want this guy to win another national title?


The "Oh Shit! I Actually Have To Play?!" Award: Kevin Craft, UCLA Bruins. After both the first and second-string quarterbacks got injured on THE SAME DAY, UCLA had no choice but to turn to junior college transfer Kevin "don't call me mac and cheese" Craft for the starting job. He gave Bruins fans a glimmer of hope after leading the team to a rousing upset over then-ranked Tennessee in the opening week of play, but after that, he pretty much played like we thought he would: He threw tons of picks, made questionable decisions on the field, and wasn't so hot when it came to moving around in the pocket. As a UCLA alum, Craft's season caused me to utter 7 words that I never thought I'd hear myself say: "I wish Ben Olson would get healthy."

The "You Taught Us To Dream" Award: East Carolina Pirates. After starting off the season 3-0 (with 2 of those wins coming against ranked teams), the Pirates seemed to be on their way to a Cinderella season. But unfortunately, they followed those 3 wins with 3 straight losses, thus ending their BCS hopes. However, they finished with a respectable 9-4 record, won the Conference USA Championship, and will play Kentucky in the Liberty Bowl. So I think it's safe to say that the Pirates did "Arrrrghhhhhh-right" this year.*

*editor's note: I am fully aware that the Pirate joke was completely lame.

I'm A Lousy Californian

I have lived in California for most of my life - I grew up in the Bay Area, went to college in Los Angeles, and now live in San Diego. However, when it comes to being a "Californian," I really suck. Don't get me wrong...There are some ways in which I am a good Californian - I love Sierra Nevada beer, I wear flip flops 9 months out of the year, and one of my most frequently used words is "gnarly." But in most other qualifications, I come up short. So allow me to list the areas in which I fail as a Californian:

1. I don't surf. I really wish I could surf - it looks like a lot of fun. But I can't. I tried to learn a few years ago - but failed miserably. My last experience with surfing involved me falling off the board so many times, that I came to work the following Monday completely bruised from my shoulders to my ankles. It took weeks for the bruises to fade. The sad part was that all of that damage had come from me simply trying to paddle - I hadn't even gotten to the part where you try to get up on the board. I am pathetic.

2. I hate the beach. This is probably the one I get the most crap for. My friends who don't live here always say things like "I can't believe you don't go to the beach! I bet you'd miss the beach if you lived where it snowed 5 months out of the year!" Look - here's a brief history of me and the beach:

• 1998: I laid out too long and ended up with second degree burns on my face. It was so bad, my boss at the sandwich shop I worked at in high school sent me home because I was "grossing out" the customers.
  
• 2000: I give the beach another try - this time while wearing many layers of sunscreen - and still get badly burned. My ankles swelled up so badly, it looked like I had "cankles" for about 2 weeks. Needless to say, I wore pants during those 2 weeks.
• 2007: I give the beach one more try - wearing SPF 30 - and end up sunburned on about 70 percent of my body. I could barely walk. I also got sun poisoning the next day and fainted at a shopping center. An elderly lady ran up and started rubbing aloe vera plant on my skin. God bless her, but the whole experience was humiliating.

So now can you see why I hate the beach?

3. I've never auditioned for anything - ever. The only brush I've had with television is when I went ice skating on the day that a new ice rink opened near the town where I grew up. The local news channel was there, and apparently, I skated by as they were doing their story. My friend called me and said "I saw you ice skating on TV." I have no idea why I didn't get a 3-picture deal out of that...

4. I don't call anyone "bro." Nor do I use the variations of bro, which include "broham," "brohamulus," "broseph," or "brah."

5. I don't play hacky sack. According to Wikipedia, this game originated in Oregon, but it seems like everyone in California plays it. And this is another activity that I tried to participate in - but ended up looking like a jackass in the process. For those of you who don't know what hackey sack is, it's basically a game where you (usually) stand in a circle and kick a little ball around. Sounds simple, right? I know...That's why it makes it even more sad that I cannot grasp this game. Every time I try to play, I miss the ball and usually end up kicking either the person next to me or the air around me. People think this is funny at first, but then they grow annoyed with me. I guess that's why no one asks me to play anymore. E-Claire FAIL.

6. I don't do yoga. I tried it once - and almost threw my back out. Besides, what the hell is the appeal of twisting yourself into a pretzel? I also don't do pilates. I'm scared of pilates.

7. I have never started a web-based business. However, I just learned that "buy my cheap crap dot com," is available. So this might change...

Friends: Why The Hell Did I Like That Show?

I'll admit it...I watched Friends during the height of its popularity. In fact, I remember posting an away message on AIM when I was in college saying something like "Don't bug me! I'm watching Friends!" every Thursday during the season when there was that weird situation going on between Joey, Rachel, and Ross (didn't Joey and Rachel like each other, but Rachel had the baby with Ross...Or something like that? I can't quite remember...I was drunk a lot in college).

Anyway, the other day, I was channel surfing, and I came across the Friends reruns...So I decided to watch for a while. And after about 5 minutes, I found myself asking "Why the hell did I like this show? It's freaking terrible!" It was like watching Dane Cook do stand-up - nothing was funny, and everything seemed rehearsed. First of all, almost every single joke seemed completely forced and predictable. For example, if somebody asked "Is there any sausage left for breakfast?" you just knew Chandler was going to say something like "I have some sausage you could have for breakfast! Heyyy-ooo!" Secondly, everyone in the show seems to overact to the point where it's rather grating. Take Ross...I know he's supposed to be the uptight anal guy, but it's taken way too far. He'll be running late for work, and for 5 minutes, he'll run around that coffee shop they're always sitting in yelling "Oh no! I'm late for work! I'm going to miss my meeting! Oh no! I'm totally freaking out about being late for work! Oh noooooooooo!" Good grief! We know you're late for work! Just shut the fuck up and go to work! And don't get me started on Phoebe and her damn songs about smelly cats and bluebirds...About half way through the episode, I had to change the channel to prevent myself from shoving a pencil in my eye.

So after I changed the channel, I began to wonder...Why did I like this show a few years ago, yet now, I completely hate it? Here's what I came up with: I don't think it holds up well because I don't know if there's a lot of "clever" comedy in the show...Like I said earlier, each episode was half an hour of exaggerated reactions and forced one-liners. It's not like Frasier - a show I still find to be very funny - which had a more sarcastic and witty tone to it, and didn't always rely on physical jokes or cheap laughs. Did the characters in Frasier ever exaggerate a situation to get a few laughs? Sure...But a lot of the jokes were more subtle and cerebral. So that leads to the question...Why did I watch Friends if I didn't find it funny? I think some of the show's popularity came from the fact that it was "cool" to like Friends. It was a show about 6 hip people who lived in hip loft apartments and wore hip clothes...Obviously, you were hip if you watched it, right? Also, the show was shoved in your face wherever you went...Friends board games, Friends coffee mugs, Friends t-shirts...There was even a damn Friends cook book. It wasn't just a show...It was a trend...And it became such a big part of our culture, that you felt "out of the loop" if you weren't watching. It sucked a lot of people in - including myself.

I'm not saying that Friends is a total piece of junk. At the end of the day, it's harmless fluff that you can watch when you don't feel like thinking. But I am saying that perhaps it wasn't as great as a lot of people perceived it to be...We simply bought into the hype...

STFU!

I don't mind the occasional abbreviation. I understand that typing "ASAP" in an e-mail is a lot quicker than typing "as soon as possible," and I think abbreviations like "WTF" and "SOL" are cool because they allow me to swear around small children and my parents without actually swearing. However, with the emergence of things like AOL Instant Messenger and text messaging, abbreviations have gotten completely out of control - to the point where I now believe the English language is being completely butchered. The other day while in a store, I overheard a mother ask her child a question. Do you know what the child's response was? It was "i-d-k." Are you serious? We can't even speak in full sentences anymore? We're talking in text speak now? I can only imagine what high school essays must look like now: OMG! "Animal Farm" was so gr8 b/c the animals could talk, but eventually they r not nice 2 each other!" Look...The abbreviations need to stop. No job interviewer is going to be impressed when you state on your resume that you have an "xcellent" work ethic...And I doubt your date will be impressed when you say "B-R-B! I gotta use the bathroom!" So here are a few abbreviations that I believe need to be eliminated...

1. "OMG!" Please. Stop. Using. This. It makes you sound like you're a tween girl who loves "Hannah Montana," scrunchies, and gossiping about boys. Besides, we all know that it stands for "Oh my God," so you're still taking the Lord's name in vain. Shame on you...

2. "FYI." This is an oldie that was probably around long before the text messaging craze. But it still annoys me. Why? Because I believe it's unnecessary. If you write me an e-mail that says "I'm going to lunch at 3pm," I'm still going to react the same way as if you wrote "FYI...I'm going to lunch at 3pm." Those 3 letters don't make any difference to me. I'm not going to think "Oh wow! This is for my information! I should really pay attention to this!" With or without those letters, I'm still going to read the e-mail and think "Why the hell are you telling me about your lunch plans?"

3. "K." So let me get this straight...You really don't have it in you to pronounce/write the "O," too?

4. "Cray Cray." This is often substituted for "crazy," as in "That party last night was cray cray!" I have three problems with this abbreviation: Number one, it has the same number of syllables as the word "crazy," so you're not saving yourself any time. Number two, the phrase actually has more letters than the word "crazy," so you're actually losing time if you type this. And number three, it's stupid.

5. "Natch." First of all, it sounds dirty. And secondly, the abbreviation doesn't make sense when used in certain sentences. For example, you might say "I was hungry, so naturally, I ate some food." But you can't really say "I was hungry, so natch, I ate some food." Well, you could say it...But you'd sound like a giant douche...

6. "LOLZ." What the hell is this? I can appreciate LOL. It's your way of saying "I acknowledge that you just said something funny on AIM, but I'm way too f-ing lazy to type out "that was funny," so you get an LOL." But where the hell does the "Z" come in? Laugh Out Loudz? That doesn't make any damn sense. Or does the "Z" stand for a word? Someone enlighten me. I'm too old for this shit.

7. "L8R" and "GR8." How do I know the Apocalypse is coming? We've starting putting numbers in words. So stock up on water, make sure that bomb shelter is ready, and prepare for a Lions Super Bowl win...

8. "Rents." I don't have 'rents, I pay rent.

9. "IMO." Do you think I'm a complete moron? I know it's your opinion! You're the one who's speaking!

10. "IMHO." What did you just call me?

5 Things I Don't Understand

I'm not the smartest person in the world...But I'm certainly not the dumbest...I mean, I've read books like The Unbearable Lightness Of Being and Love In The Time of Cholera...And I think I've understood them...

Anyway, movie quotes aside, there are some things in the world that I just don't understand. So, in my effort to be the first person to post something under the "nonsense" category...Here are 5 things that I just don't "get" in life...

1. "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." I realize that I'm opening myself up for criticism here...I am well aware of the undying love some people have for this show. I experienced it first hand on Halloween, when Daft Funk dressed up as "Greenman" - a character in the show - and walked down the streets of San Diego to chants of "Dude! Greenman! Awesome! " and "Hey! It's fucking Greenman!" We even had an American Gladiator and a ping pong player follow us around for a portion of the evening because they wanted us to know that they "had Greenman's back." It was awesome and awkward all at the same time. Anyway, before you say something like "You're such an asshole! How can you NOT love Always Sunny?" please hear me out on why I don't understand this show...The only episodes I've seen so far have been the following: An episode where Dee has a heart attack and Danny Devito winds up in a mental hospital...An episode where Dennis ends up in rehab because he's trying to write his memoir, and for some reason, Sinbad wants to kick his ass...And an episode set in 1776 where the crew cracks the Liberty Bell, Dee keeps spitting in a dude's face, and Mack and Dennis walk around saying "Would you like a spot of tea? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss!" Oh, and in the Sinbad episode, for some reason, Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty is his bitch. So maybe I just haven't seen the right episodes, but as of right now, every time I've watched this show, I end up saying "What the hell was that?" instead of laughing hysterically like I'm supposed to. Someone please tell me what I'm missing...

2. Crocs. What the hell are these things? They look like something I'd wear while tending to my prize petunias in the garden, yet I see people wearing these things while they shop, go to the beach, and practice playing guitar on the front steps of their frat house. Seriously...What purpose do they serve? They don't offer the actual protection of a shoe - because they don't have a back and there are holes in the top...Yet they don't offer the freedom of a flip flop because they cover your toes. And is it true you can buy charms to stick in the holes on top of the shoe? Why do you need to decorate something that's going to get covered in mud, dirt, chewing gum, or whatever else you're going to step on/in while walking? Lame. Oh yeah, Crocs hurt children, too...

3. Saying that something is "The balls." I guess this is supposed to mean that something is awesome. For example, you might say "This sandwich is the balls!" or "My new leather jacket is the balls!" Apparently, this saying made a comeback when it was used in Anchorman ("Ron Burgundy was the balls")...But I don't understand why being "the balls" is a good thing. If someone told me that I was "the balls," I'd assume they were telling me I was sweaty, stinky, or hairy. I don't want to be any of those things...

4. The mid-life crisis. Since when did turning 40 mean that you have to ditch your spouse, buy a Porsche, and go on the prowl for people 20 years your junior? What's so bad about getting older? You become more established in your career, you get discounts on your dinner at IHOP, and when you yell at people, they don't automatically assume you're trying to "rebel against society." Plus, look at this list of people who got more awesome as they got older: Sean Connery, the cast of The Golden Girls, Bob Barker, and Abe Lincoln. Look, I'm in mid-20's, and it's not always that fun...I don't get any respect. The other day, I opened the door for the cable person and they asked if one of my parents was home...Jackass.

5. The person who did this. But just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't think it's rad. This person has more musical talent than I ever will...

E-Claire's Kollege Kegger

Crack open a beer...Because college football season is officially underway! So each week, I will (attempt) to recap the best - and the worst - games for you in quick and easy fashion...Much like your girlfriend at a frat party...Zing!

Since this will be the final Kegger on TMS, I've decided to do something special by bringing back the haikus. I know what you're thinking..."E-Claire! You've done haikus before - this isn't special...This is bullshit!" But the "special" part is that in each haiku, I've included a very subtle farewell message to TMS. Exciting, right? Whatever. Onto the games...

Premium games on tap...

No. 6 Texas Tech def. No. 1 Texas 39-33:
McCoy tried his best
But the comeback came up short
Farewell, TMS



No. 22 Michigan State def. Wisconsin 25-24:
Spartans get the win
With late fourth quarter field goal
So long, TMS

No. 14 Missouri def. Baylor 31-28:
Baylor had a chance
But their QB was picked off
Goodbye, TMS

No. 17 BYU def. Colorado State 45-42:
BYU scored late
To complete their comeback win
Peace out, TMS

Cincinnati def. No. 24 South Florida 24-10:
Cincy's QB Pike
Played wearing a cast and won
Later, TMS


Games that resembled the foam at the end of a keg of Natty Light:

No. 4 Oklahoma def. Nebraska 62-28:
Oklahoma scored
Thirty-five in first quarter
Bye Bye, TMS



No. 5 Florida def. No. 8 Georgia 49-10:
In this football game
Tebow made Georgia his bitch
See ya, TMS


TMS Alma Mater roundup (schools attended by TMS bartenders highlighted in green):

Purdue def. Michigan 48-42:
Purdue won this one
With some late game trickery
Michigan is bad
(I know I'm doing the whole subtle goodbye thing, but I had to say something about Michigan. They're not gonna go to a bowl game for the first time in 33 years...And this is their first losing season since the late 60's...Damn.)

Northern Iowa def. Western Illinois 30-6:
UNI gets win
With help from freshman QB
Laterz, TMS

LaGrange College def. Euerka College 63-19:
Eureka gets owned
And no one's really surprised
Toodles, TMS (I'm really reaching here)

Wyoming def. San Diego State 35-10:
State loses again
This is getting ludicrous
Adieu, TMS

North Central College def. Illinois Wesleyan University 30-7:
Seven turnovers
Doomed the Titans to a loss
Ciao to TMS

Georgia Tech def. No. 16 Florida State 31-28:
The Noles had a chance
To win but fumbled the ball
Ta-ta, TMS

Illinois def. Iowa 27-24:
Iowa loses
Due to a late game field goal
Godspeed, TMS


Penn State, UCLA - DNP this week

E-Claire's Kollege Kegger

Crack open a beer...Because college football season is officially underway! So each week, I will (attempt) to recap the best - and the worst - games for you in quick and easy fashion...Much like your girlfriend at a frat party...Zing!

Premium games on tap...

No. 1 Texas def. No. 7 Oklahoma State 28-24: Texas is currently working through the tough part of their schedule...And so far, they're hanging in there. The Longhorns were up 28-14 in the 3rd quarter, but OSU scored a touchdown to make it 28-21. Then, Colt McCoy threw an interception, and the Cowboys kicked a field goal to make it 28-24...And another gaffe by Mr. McCoy - this time, a fumble - gave OSU the ball back. But the Longhorns' defense made a stop to preserve the win and Texas' number one ranking. You know what they say...Defense wins championships.

Louisville def. No. 14 South Florida 24-20: Trailing 20-17 in the 4th quarter, Louisville scored a touchdown with about 7 minutes left to complete the upset. However, South Florida didn't really do themselves any favors - their quarterback was picked off twice and they committed 14 penalties. You know what they say...Not committing large amounts of penalties wins championships.

Virginia def. No. 21 Georgia Tech 24-17: Although Virginia lost 3 of its first 4 games, things seems to be turning around for the team. Cedric Peerman scored the winning touchdown with 3-and-a-half minutes left in the game to give the Cavaliers the upset and their fourth straight win. You know what they say...Having the same name as a reliable American-made car wins championships.


Honorable Mention: No. 6 USC def. Arizona 17-10 (on a night when USC's offense wasn't so hot, the defense came through. You know what they say...Pete Carroll wins championships - just not in the NFL. Zing!); UNC def. No. 23 Boston College 45-24 (Hakeem Nicks scored 28 of UNC's 45 points); No 18 BYU def UNLV 42-35 (Trailing 35-34 with under 2 minutes left in the game, BYU scored a touchdown - and was successful on their 2-point conversion - to avoid losing 2 in a row); Rutgers def. No. 17 Pittsburgh 54-34 (Before this win, Rutgers hadn't defeated a ranked team on the road since the late 80's.).


Games that resembled the foam at the end of a keg of Natty Light:

No. 8 Texas Tech def. No. 19 Kansas 63-21: I thought this game was going to be a little closer than it was. But instead, Todd Reesing threw 3 interceptions and had his worst game since high school. Texas Tech, on the other hand, had no interceptions. You know what they say...Not throwing multiple interceptions wins championships.

Duke def. Vanderbilt 10-7: Wow! This game was a serious offensive battle...NOT.

In Other News, Michigan Continues to Lose:

Michigan State def. Michigan 35-21: So how does Michigan celebrate their 2-6 record? By giving Rich Rodriguez a 6-year extension. Um...Cool?




TMS Alma Mater roundup (schools attended by TMS bartenders highlighted in green):

No. 3 Penn State def. No. 10 Ohio State 13-6: Penn State remains undefeated after scoring 10 points in the 4th quarter to get the come-from-behind win.

No. 25 Minnesota def. Purdue 17-6: Purdue quarterback Curtis Painter hurt his throwing shoulder in this game, but is expected to play next week.

Northern Iowa def. Youngstown State 21-20: UNI's Darrell Lloyd blocked the potential game-tying extra point to preserve the win.

Cal def. UCLA 41-20: Instead of playing terribly for the entire game - like they did in their 59-0 loss to BYU a few weeks ago - UCLA decided to mix it up and only play terribly in the 4th quarter this time. Awesome.

MacMurray def. Euerka College 47-34: This was Eureka's homecoming game. Apparently, it was a sad one.

Colorado State def. San Diego State 38-34: I went to a concert at SDSU a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty good.

Illinois Wesleyan University def. Elmhurst 35-24: Junior Kraig Ladd had 4 second half touchdown passes.

No. 24 Florida State def. Virginia Tech 30-20: Florida State gets its 4th straight win.

Iowa - DNP this week

E-Claire's Kollege Kegger

Crack open a beer...Because college football season is officially underway! So each week, I will (attempt) to recap the best - and the worst - games for you in quick and easy fashion...Much like your girlfriend at a frat party...Zing!

Premium games on tap...

TCU def. No. 9 BYU 32-7: Not only did TCU end BYU's 16-game winning streak, but they pretty much busted the Cougars' BCS hopes. TCU basically dominated this game from the beginning - they scored on their first 3 drives, 2 of which were directly off turnovers. Max Hall - who had only been sacked twice so far this season - was sacked 6 times, and threw 2 picks. He did, however, score the only touchdown for the Cougars - which didn't come until the third quarter. A nice upset for the Horned Frogs, and a bummer of a loss for BYU. Somewhere, Steve Young is crying...

Maryland def. No. 21 Wake Forest 26-0: Considering the score of this game, I'm sure you're assuming Maryland owned Wake Forest. And they did. The offense produced almost 500 yards, and obviously the defense did well - since they didn't allow any points. In fact, this was the first time Wake Forest has been shut out in 124 games. To see what a terrapin looks like, click here.

Virginia def. No. 18 UNC 16-13 in OT: Although this game was kind of a snooze at the beginning, it had a pretty exciting ending. Virginia was losing 10-3 with about 2 minutes left to play, and then the offense put together an 82-yard scoring drive to send the game into overtime. Then, North Carolina kicked a field goal during their OT possession to go ahead 13-10...But Virginia one-upped UNC by scoring a touchdown during their OT possession to get the win. Somewhere, Michael Jordan is crying...

Honorable Mention: No. 2. Alabama def. Mississippi 24-20 ('Bama blew a big lead, but managed to hang on for the win. Somewhere, Eli Manning is crying); No. 13 LSU def. South Carolina 24-17 (LSU trailed at halftime, but scored 14 points in the second half to get the win); Boston College def. No. 17 Virginia Tech 28-23 (After trailing 10-0, BC scored 21 straight points, and hung on for the win); Arizona def. No. 25 Cal 42-27 (somewhere, Kyle Boller is crying...But that could be due to the fact that he's sitting on the bench).


Games that resembled the foam at the end of a keg of Natty Light:

No. 6 USC def. Washington State 69-0: The Condoms handed Washington State its first shutout since the 1980's. This was also the Cougars most lop-sided loss since they began playing in the late 1800's. Somewhere, Ryan Leaf is crying...But that could be due to the fact that he wakes up every morning and realizes he's Ryan Leaf.


No. 12 Ohio State def. No. 20 Michigan State 45-7: Ohio State hasn't exactly been destroying its opponents lately, so I thought that this might be a pretty good game. I guess I was wrong.


TMS Alma Mater roundup (schools attended by TMS bartenders highlighted in green):

No. 3 Penn State def. Michigan 46-17: Penn State continues to remain a title contender.

Northwestern def. Purdue 48-26: Purdue looks to pick up its first Big Ten win next week against Minnesota.

Iowa def. Wisconsin 38-16: Iowa hands Wisconsin its fourth straight loss.

Northern Iowa def. North Dakota State 23-13: UNI's defense had 4 interceptions and recovered a fumble.

UCLA def. Stanford 23-20: UCLA scored a touchdown with 10 seconds left in the game to get the win. Apparently, Kevin Craft is only productive when running the 2-minute offense.

Euerka College def. Principia 47-19: Eureka produced almost 700 yards on offense? That has to be a typo...

New Mexico def. San Diego State 70-7: Oh dear...

Augustana def. Illinois Wesleyan University 21-13: This is only IWU's second loss of the season - and both of their losses have been decided by fewer than 10 points.

Florida State def. NC State 26-17: Florida State is now ranked.