TMS Team Preview: The 2016 San Francisco Giants

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series. More or less anyway. It's nearly May and no one cares.

Still? Yep. Still.We're so close to the end though... It's the Giants.

2015 Finish: 84-78, 2nd in the NL West

So Long: Middle Class Residents, Affordable Housing

Welcome: Silicon Valley Assholes on company buses, even more hobos, Johnny Cueto

Projected Lineup:
1. Dirty Harry, CF
2. Fog, 2B
3. The Golden Gate Bridge, 1B
4. Gay People, C
5. The Car Chase From Bullitt, SS
6. Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom, LF
7. Overrated Burritos, 3B
8. Rice-A-Roni, RF
9. Big Trouble in Little China, P

Nickname Rotation: San Fran, Frisco, The City by the Bay, The City (eyeroll), Peestenchburg
Setup: Internal Affairs was setting them up all along!
Closer: Kyra Sedgwick

Something something even year. Buster Posey and so on. Is Tim Lincecum still high? Yes.

Reason to Watch: The X-Files is now in HD on Netflix. That's a good reason to watch. The makeup on the episode where they age fast on the boat is a little rough, but generally it looks pretty good.

Reason to Drink: You can drink on Caltrain going to the game, which means you should. Nothing quite like arriving at the park with a solid buzz going.

The Food: The crab sandwich in the outfield is the best ballpark food I've ever had. Frankly it's my #1 sandwich ever. Unfortunately they are small and like $16, so the cheapskate in me only allows the purchase of one. I'd gladly eat like 10 of these.

Greasiest Player: The Giants love them some greaseballs, but it comes down to Angel Pagan and Brandon Crawford, and really it's no contest. Brandon Crawford's hair has more oil in it than the Alberta Tar Sands. They should build a pipeline to his house.

Fantasy Standout: I dunno, Brandon Belt?

Fantasy Bust: I dunno, Brandon Belt?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Greasy Brandon Belt eating a crab sandwich while drunk on Caltrain heading home to watch The X-Files on Netflix.

None of these people are Brandon Belt.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Los Angeles Dodgers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the decaying husk of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Or just take a nap like Tommy. They stink anyway.

2015 Finish: 92-70, 1st in the NL West

So Long: Zack Greinke, Jimmy Rollins, Jamey Wright, Adam Liberatore, Bronson Arroyo's Contract

Welcome: Kenta Maeda, Scott Kazmir, Joe Blanton, Aroldis Chapman (lol no, just kidding)

Projected Lineup:
1. Carl Crawford/Scott Van Slyke, LF
2. Howie Kendrick/Chase Utley (seriously)/Kiké Hernandez, 2B
3. Justin Turner until his knee explodes, 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
5. Yasiel Puig, RF
6. Corey Seager, SS
7. Yasmani Grandal/AJ Ellis, C
8. Joc Pederson/Kiké Hernandez, CF

Starting Rotation: Clayton Kershaw, Scott Kazmir, Kenta Maeda, Alex Wood, Ross Stripling
Bullpen: Chris Hatcher, J.P. Howell, Louis Coleman, Pedro Baez, Joe Blanton, Yimi Garcia
Closer: Kenley Jansen

Disabled List: Hyun-Jin Ryu, Brett Anderson, Brandon McCarthy, Mike Bolsinger, Andre Ethier

Screech Metal Lyric That Sums Up My Feelings About This Team:

"Fuck everything, everything!"
- Suicide Silence, Fuck Everything

Welp, this is probably it for me. I can't see myself caring about baseball after this season, and honestly, I'll be faking it this year. The team of my youth is now a sad shell of its former self, run into the ground by the Frank McCourt debacle and now by a misguided small-market philosophy that doesn't suit the team or the city. It's over gang. Time to tap out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be one of those assholes that goes and roots for Anaheim. I'm just leaving baseball altogether. Let's face it. It's always been boring anyway. Vin Scully has been carrying me through the last few years, but even he's had enough. Calling it a career after 67 years. Quitter.

Look at that starting rotation. Or don't. Alex Wood's terrible delivery hurts the eyes. Brett Anderson and Brandon McCarthy are on the DL because they are Brett Anderson and Brandon McCarthy. Platoons everywhere. I can't even hope for a trade because it's just going to be some half assed reliever from the Devil Rays anyway.

Nothing went right this offseason. They lost Zack Greinke to a division rival and replaced him with Scott Kazmir. They tried to trade for Aroldis Chapman, but he shot a wall. They had an agreement to sign Hisashi Iwakuma, but then he failed a physical...not that it would have been a particularly good move anyway. Kenta Maeda might be good, but then again he might be Kaz Ishii too. No one knows. They're just buying lottery tickets and hoping for the best at this point.

Reason to Watch: None. I exaggerate of course, but no, none. Sure it's Vin Scully's final season, but that's just depressing to think about. Yeah, that Kershaw guy is good, but the Dodgers are pissing away his best years hoarding prospects and fielding other teams' leftovers. I'm not wasting my time and you shouldn't either. If Kershaw wasn't so damn polite, he'd probably demand a trade.

Reason to Drink: Like I said, it's Vin Scully's final year. You want more? Well, we're going to be here for a few years. The front office is engaged in the most expensive rebuilding job in baseball history. Maybe by 2020 enough prospects will pan out for the Dodgers to contend, but by then I won't care anymore.

The Fans: By and large, we're assholes. Right now there is a split between TRUST THE PROCESS dopes who think the team can do no wrong because Fangraphs likes every move they make and the chuds that call in to Dodger Talk and write for the LA Times bitching about how NERDS are ruining baseball. I remove myself from this equation by hating everyone. Also, we'll fucking cut you in the parking lot.

Their Worst Contract: Andrew Friedman thinks he's smarter than everyone and spends money like an idiot hillbilly that won the lottery. He's attempting to recreate the magic they had in Tampa Bay where they fielded a boring product and never won anything. He's the highest paid executive in baseball and under contract through 2019.

Don't believe me? He actually thought Alex Wood and Fat Latos were going to help this team last year. Spoiler: They didn't. Neither did Jim Johnson. For most of this offseason, Friedman was content to start a platoon of Chase Utley and Kiké Hernandez at 2nd base. Chase Utley...getting regular playing time in 2016. Fortunately the market for Howie Kendrick was nonexistent and they were able to bring him back. The invisible hand saved Friedman from himself. This team is doomed as long as he's in charge.

Fantasy Standout: Corey Seager, but you knew that

Fantasy Bust: Any Dodger outfielder on your list is a terrible choice. Yasiel Puig has gone bad, Joc Pederson has the ugliest swing in baseball history, and left field is a radioactive wasteland with Carl Crawford still smoldering in the impact crater. Also, since they all stink, there are going to be lots of platoons so you'll have no idea about playing time.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Playboy Mansion - Sure it has a glamorous reputation and storied history, but it's just old and sad and full of legionnaire's disease now.

Welcome to Dodger Stadium. Remember how cool that Kirk Gibson home run was? Don't forget to take your Cipro.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Kansas City Royals

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

We're into the second week of the season and we're still slogging our way through this shit. Today we're gonna talk about the Royals.

Gee, thanks gramps. Couldn't splurge on some Werthers?

2015 Finish: 95-67 (1st Place in AL Central)

So Long: Jeremy Guthrie, Alex Rios, Jonny Gomes, Wandy Rodriguez, Greg Holland

Welcome: Joakim Soria, Dillon Gee, Chien-Ming Wang, Ian Kennedy

Opening Day Lineup
1. Alcides Escobar, SS
2. Mike Moustakas, 3B
3. Lorenzo Cain, CF
4. Eric Hosmer, 1B
5. Kendrys Morales, DH
6. Alex Gordon, LF
7. Salvador Perez, C
8. Omar Infante, 2B
9. Reymond Fuentes, RF

Starting Rotation: Edinson Volquez, Chris Young, Kris Medlen, Yordano Ventura, Ian Kennedy
Setup: Joakim Soria
Closer: Wade Davis

Last year saw the Royals return to the World Series and do the one thing the Cubs could not, dispatch the Mets. On offense the main core stayed in tact from 2014, and in the case of younger stars Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas, they took a leap forward in their development. Add in what turned out to be a savvy pick up in DH Kenrdys Morales and the Royals were off and running.

That solid offense coupled with a great defense helped carry what was rather mediocre starting pitching. When Edinson Volquez is your "ace" you're obvious winning games in spite of your rotation. KC's bullpen was another strong point however and often locked things down when their offense came up with some much needed run support. The fact that setup man/closer Wade Davis won 8 games is saying something. That's more than Danny Duffy and he made 24 starts.

So now it's 2016 and they've got a ring. Can they repeat? Sure, why not? They managed to win last year and the formula hasn't changed. The main lineup is pretty much the same save for no more Alex Rios, which isn't a bad thing. Once Jarrod Dyson comes back from injury he should fill that hole fine. Re-signing Alex Gordon this offseason was a solid move and one that I think speaks volumes of this organization. It tells their fans that they're committed to winning for the long haul. The rotation is still sort of a hot mess, but if Yordano Ventura can mature a bit more he'll do well. Volquez and Kennedy are serviceable enough. The magic appears to have worn off Chris Young however. But if Kris Medlen can come around and either Dillon Gee or Chien-Ming Wang have something in the tank they should hold their own again. Enough at least to get to that bullpen which once again will be one of the best in the league. Wade Davis replaces Greg Holland as an elite closer and former longtime KC closer Joakim Soria has returned to set him up. Luke Hochevar, who was once laughable as a starting pitcher has emerged as a pretty damn good reliever.

The Royals should be in line to make another run for the postseason but will certainly have their work cut out for them. They're a classic small-market makes good story, and unlike the Pirates, they're not in the Cubs division so I don't hate their fucking guts.

Reason to Watch: Eric Hosmer. Long touted as a superstar in the making, Hosmer is just now starting to fill out those big shoes folks made for him. He's won 3 consecutive Gold Gloves and posted career bests last season in runs, RBI, and OPS. Now entering his age 26 season, Hosmer is just reaching his peak years.

Reason To Drink: This rotation. Holy shit. I've already talked about it but I'm not kidding here. Last season the pitching staff as a whole had a 3.73 ERA which was 3rd best in the AL. But when you look at their 4.04 FIP you start to see the problem. This defense bailed them out quite a bit. In fact the -0.30 difference between them was the worst in the AL. The good news is that same stellar defense is around, so fear not Royals fans. Your gold glovers will bail you out those days when Ian Kennedy looks like shit.

Volquez's fivehead is on point.

The Fans: Solid group of people and incredibly loyal to their team. I recall back in 2002 I was in Kansas City for a trip and ran into some fans watching the game at a bar. We had the following exchange.

Me: "Who is that pitching? Dan Reichert?"
Dude: "Yeah, and he's pitching well. You got a problem with that?"
Me: "Uh, no. I was just asking."

Despite the hostile first impression I talked to the guy some more as well as some other folks there. They all followed the Royals intensely and would take a bullet for their team no matter how awful they were. Keep in mind this was 2002 as well. They lost 100 games that year and had been dogshit for nearly a decade at that point. These folks lived and died by their team no matter what and I couldn't have been more impressed. Things definitely got worse before they got better too, but now that they've become relevant again, there's an entire city more than eager to embrace them, and that's pretty cool to see.

Their Worst Contract: Not a whole lot of contracts here I'd call bad at all. That Ian Kennedy deal is probably the most excessive and probably won't be of much value in the last couple years. But even then at most it's $16.5 million a year.

Fantasy Standout: Eric Hosmer. He's pretty good.

Fantasy Bust: Omar Infante. Why is he still alive, let alone on a fantasy roster? Actually he's probably not on a fantasy roster. Yep, a quick look at Yahoo shows he's only 1% owned in all leagues. That's still 1% too many. I'm gonna create one of those ad campaigns like they have against smoking. None Percent Infante in 2016!

I think this will really resonate with the Millennials

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: That TV show you started watching from the beginning and really liked. So you keep telling your friends about it and they ignore you for the most part. Then by the third season it suddenly gets all the critical and mainstream acclaim you've been hoping for. Suddenly you feel justified in bugging everyone to watch all that time. All your friends can't shut up about it now. But then you start to tire of it. People are asking you if you watch it and you start copping a snarky attitude. Pretty soon you begin to resent the show you loved. Eventually you stop watching it. Soon after you quit your job and begin living on the streets. Life has no purpose any more. You scavenge for food in dumpsters. Last night you fought a raccoon over half a bag of Doritos.

Wait, where the fuck was I going with this?

2016 Team Preview: The 2016 Texas Rangers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today, we put our shit kickers on and head down south to check out those whiskey swillin', cocaine lovin' Texas Rangers.

Prince Fielder: Nude and inconclusive.

 2015 Finish: 88-74 (1st Place in AL West)

So Long: Yovanni Gallardo, Mike Napoli, Will Venable, Leonys Martin

Welcome: Tom Wilhemsen, Justin Ruggiano, AJ Griffin, Ian SUPERSTAR Desmond, Ike "Could Try Harder" Davis

Projected Lineup
1. Delino DeShields Jr, CF
2. Shin-Soo Choo, RF
3. Prince Fielder, DH
4. Adrian Beltre, 3B
5. Mitch Moreland, 1B
6. Ian Desmond, LF 
7. Rougned Odor, 2B
8. Elvis Andrus, SS 

9. Robinson Chirinos, C

Starting Rotation: Cole Hamels, Martin Perez, Colby Lewis, Derek Holland, Yu Darvish (eventually)
Bullpen: Sam Dyson, Keone Kela, Jake Diekman, Tom Wilhemsen, other guys I haven't heard of and you don't give a shit about
Closer: Sean Tolleson

Disabled List: Yu Darvish, Josh Hamilton (heaven needed another drug addict), Tanner Scheppers 

Country Lyric That Describes their 2015 season:
"Now a solo cup is the best receptacle, for barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals. And you sir, do not have a pair of testicles, if you prefer drinking from a glass." 
- Toby Keith, Red Solo Cup

So, for my first post-9/11 writing assignment for TMS, I draw the Texas Rangers, a team that is neither egregiously offensive (other than the fact that they're in Texas), nor terribly exciting. They're just kind of there. It's like reading a 2.5 star review of a movie, devoid of the kind of hyperbole that gets you really excited to see a movie, or the vitriol and snark that makes reading critical pans so enjoyable. That said, if you want to stop reading now (you probably already have) and go check out animal videos on Buzzfeed, by all means. 

Last year was supposed to be a rebuilding year of sorts for the Ranger, but they ended up trading for Cole Hamels mid-way through the season and pretty soon they were like, "Fuck it, we actually have a shot at this". They made the playoffs on the last day of the season against the division rival Angels, in a game that I hold near and dear to my cold, dead heart, as Garrett Richards' 3 ER had huge implications in my fantasy championship match-up ("dude, no one cares about your fantasy team"). So thank you, Texas. Alas, they were promptly eliminated by the Blue Jays in the playoffs and by the following morning, all of the water cooler talk had already shifted to the Cowboys. 

This year brings higher expectations, although they'll have to fend off a dick-punching Houston team and a Seattle squad that has "trendy sleeper" written all over it, thanks to jettisoning their human albatross of a manager, Lloyd McClendon. The A's look pretty terrible and boring (of course, they always do and still win in spite of that) and the Angels are wasting the prime years of Mike Trout. So for once, they may not have to worry about those two assholes. 

2016 will be another sweaty year in Arlington (seriously, I start sweating like Marlon Brando just watching their home games on TV) with high hopes and inevitably, crushed dreams. And admittedly, they were a lot cooler when they had the original Coked Up Werewolf, Ron Washington, at the helm. But they have a solid core of veterans, some intriguing young guys knocking on the door and they serve Lone Star beer at the stadium, so it could be a lot worse. Wild Card or GTFO! 

We miss you, Wash.

Reason to Watch: Yu Darvish. When he comes back (May/June), he'll be a huge boost in the arm to a rotation that gainfully employs Martin Perez and Colby Lewis. He's one of those rare pitchers that I'd actually pay to watch pitch, with a dick-in-the-dirt arsenal capable of striking out 15+ guys any time he takes to the mound. Aside from Ichiro, he's definitely the "Asian ballplayer I'd most like to have a Sapporo with" (along with his translator of course; otherwise it might just be awkward). 


Reason to Drink: Until Darvish gets back, the starting rotation kind of falls off a cliff after Cole Hamels. Colby Lewis somehow won 17 games, defying any sort of metric you want to apply to his "pitching". Martin Perez couldn't strike me out and Derek Holland will be hurt before you get done reading this. But for God sake, if you're going to drink, please, I beg of you, don't do it in front of Josh Hamilton. 

The Fans: I have no idea. They seem jovial enough come playoff time. I imagine a bunch of old-money rich people that are super nice to you as long as you're Caucasian. Ladies with big hair and old guys that call Tommy Buzanis a dear friend. They're probably very leery of the concession workers. But then again, I like to think the worst of people. Honestly, the Rangers are probably just a cute diversion until football starts. 

"Hey, at least I'm not Ted Cruz. Hehehe."

Their Worst Contract: Thank Christ they aren't on the hook for much of Josh Hamilton's $28M salary, although even paying $2M of that seems a bit much for a human paper weight. So let's give this distinction to Elvis Andrus. His defense is perfectly cromulent, but $15M a year is a bit much for a light hitting SS who doesn't get on base enough and puts up replacement level numbers. Could try harder. 

Fantasy Standout: Prince Fielder. As a kid, I loved Prince's dad, Cecil. Look at that fat guy let er' rip! Remember that time he hit one out of Tiger Stadium? What a glorious, pre-roid era, home run hitting son of a bitch. Anyway, I think Prince might have daddy issues, but that's neither here nor there. Prince is still pretty good, especially in OBP leagues, but you'd hope that fat man could hit the ball over the fence with a little more regularity. 

These two single-handedly kept Little Caesars in business during some (ironically) lean years.

Fantasy Bust: I love Delino DeShields like an adopted son (if he were white, he'd be "scrappy"), but with Dave Kingman Joey Gallo and Nomar Mazara waiting in the wings, he's one prolonged slump away from being relegated to permanent Eric Young Jr career status. 

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: A Melissa McCarthy movie. Generally inoffensive, and maybe even entertaining in parts, but there are probably better things to Redbox. 

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Pittsburgh Pirates

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time to talk about the fucking Pirates.

Hey it's Sid Bream, Pittsburgh fans' favorite Pirate!

2015 Finish: 98-64 (2nd Place in NL Central)

So Long: Joe Blanton, A.J. Burnett, J.A. Happ, Corey "Midget Face" Hart, Aramis Ramirez, Joakim Soria, Pedro Alvarez, Neil Walker, Charlie Morton

Welcome: Jon Niese, Juan Nicasio, Ryan Vogelsong, John Jaso, Neftali Feliz, Matt Joyce, David Freese

Opening Day Lineup
1. John Jaso, 1B
2. Andrew McCutchen, CF
3. David Freese, 3B
4. Starling Marte, LF
5. Francisco Cervelli, C
6. Gregory Polanco, RF
7. Josh Harrison, 2B
8. Jordy Mercer, SS

Starting Rotation: Francisco Liriano, Gerrit Cole, Jon Niese, Jeff Locke, Juan Nicasio
Setup: Tony Watson
Closer: Mark Melancon

The Pirates won 98 games last year. It was the most since 1991. It got them to the Wild Card game where the Jake Arrieta promptly squashed all their hopes and dreams.

Fin.

So now it's 2016 and the Pirates should be ready for another trip to the postseason right? Yeah, probably not. While the rotation still has Liriano and Cole at the top, and the bullpen's one-two punch of Watson and Melancon will shut games down for them no problem, this offense.... eeeehhhh.

Gone are their 3rd and 4th best guys in RBI last year in Pedro Alvarez and Neil Walker. To replace them they got John Jaso and Josh Harrison. Hmmm I'm not thinking the same amount of runs are gonna be driven in by those two. They added David Freese at 3B since Jung Ho Kang's leg isn't quite back to 100% after Chris Coghlan destroyed it last year. Freese wouldn't make most MLB rosters and yet he's the Pirates Opening Day 3B. Also Clint Hurdle is a dullard. The Pirates have made it to the postseason in spite of him. When it push comes to shove he can't manage his way out of a wet paper sack.

So I hope you enjoyed the last couple years Pirates fans, because it's over. You had your chance and missed it. And now your management thinks they can keep winning by slapping together low-rent pieces of trash on this slowly sinking ship. Look me in the eyes and tell me this lineup is better than what you had last year. Yeah. But you did just sign Gregory Polanco long-term. That'll be a nice tradeable contract in two years when you guys are scrapping this team for parts.

Reason to Watch: Gerrit Cole. Dude's has turned into a perennial Cy Young candidate. Good luck next season when he hits his arbitration years. I'm sure Scott Boras will get his guy a fair price.

Reason To Drink: John Jaso's fucking hair.

Fucking white guy dreads! All he needs is some patchouli oil and one of those hooded rug shirts and he's the guy at your corner record store. Good god man. Have some self-respect.

The Fans: They all seem like nice enough people. I feel sorry for them though. Their franchise has bumped it's payroll up to not quite $100 million and still have very little to show for it. Paying 18 shitty to kind of mediocre guys $3 million a year doesn't make your team better. Fucking figure out your finances Pittsburgh and invest in something better.

Their Worst Contract: I'd say paying $8 million for Michael Morse to be awful this season, only the Dodgers are footing that bill. So actually there isn't a really bad contract here, mostly due to them being massive tightwads and not spending any money.

Fantasy Standout: Gerrit Cole. Like I said before, the dude is a stud. That McCutchen guy ain't too bad either.

Fantasy Bust: Josh Harrison. 2014 was his peak and it wasn't even that impressive of one. Expecting those numbers again is foolish.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The part in Flowers for Algernon where Charlie realizes his newfound brilliance is fleeting. Sorry Pittsburgh. Soon enough you'll be back to being a retarded janitor again.

And you think I'll win a pennant race against that mouse?

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Washington Nationals

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series. Except Muldoon is a shiftless layabout, even by Saloon standards. So this one is kind of out of order. If we gave unreasonable hope to any Nationals fans, at least that would be a confirmation that they exist. 

Today, we cast our gaze to the nation's capitol to try and figure out where that burning garbage smell is coming from.

2015 Finish: 83-79, 2nd in NL East

So Long: Ian Desmond, Doug Fister, Nate McLouth, Casey Janssen, Denard Span, Dan Uggla, Jordan Zimmermann, Yunel Escobar, Drew Storen

Welcome: Chris Heisey, Yusmeiro Petit, Stephen Drew, Daniel Murphy, Ben Revere, Bronson Arroyo

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ben Revere. OF
2. Anthony Rendon, 3B
3. Bryce Harper, OF
4. Ryan Zimmerman, 3B
5. Daniel Murphy, 2B
6. Jayson Werth, OF
7. Danny Espinoza, SS
8. Wilson Ramos, C

Starting Rotation
1. Max Scherzer
2. Stephen Strasburg
3. Gio Gonzalez
4. Joe Ross
5. Tanner Roark

Bullpen
Oliver Perez, Burke Badenhop, Blake Treinen, Assorted Bits and Pieces

Closer
Dickface Papelbon

Rap Lyric: "Yep listening to nothing, taking no suggestions/Or destructive criticisms, that can't improve on perfection"

- MF Doom, "The Drop"

This incredibly talented team had a nightmare 2015 that would probably give Cubs fans pause if not for the smooth, sensual vibe of Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo Maddon. They had a lot of hitting, a lot of pitching, and a vulnerable division. They proceeded to trade for Sentient Prostate Cancer to close out games, drop a whole bunch of games to New York (eh) and Miami (yikes), and miss out on the playoffs in what was loudly proclaimed Their Year. They went 35-40 after the ASB, the closer everyone warned them would be locker room cancer decided to try and choke out their only bright spot, and Washington fans started eyeing the exits to go back into 2005-2011 cryosleep.

So how do you salvage this talented mess? Dusty Baker! TMS actually obtained some exclusive footage from the executive suite moments after the call was made to hire Dusty as the new skipper:

"Can't take too many walks. It clogs up the bases. NATITUDE!"

Reason to Watch: Bryce Harper. Baseball's maybe the only place in life where I could stand more self-regarding youth wrecking up the place. Anything that makes desiccated old baseball writers drop their monocles into their prune-tinis is a-okay with Muldoon. I hope he hits a 700 foot home run, dances for six minutes, then burns a Joe DiMaggio jersey on home plate. Now that Sleeper Agent Papelbon failed to succeed in his Manchurian Candidate choke-assassination, none are safe from the mohawked barbarian tearing down the game's most hallowed unwritten rules. My prediction for 2015: he hits .400 and then smashes Ted Williams' frozen head with a Gallagher hammer at the press conference.

Reason to Drink: You know how on the earlier seasons of Mad Men, Freddy Rumsen degenerated from a respected account man to a guy who got fired for peeing his pants in front of a client one too many times? That's what's happening here, in extreme slow motion from 2012 until now.

The Fans: D.C.'s core baseball demographic is mostly made up of 23-year old kids making 19 grand a year to advise congressman and senators on matters of important public policy. I find that fucking terrifying, but my point is that people come into this town with pre-formed allegiances to other teams. Hell, there's a sizable Orioles contingent in the district, and that team's a sadness factory. Joining the Tiny Legislative Children is the super-rich (lawyers, lobbyists, lawyerbists), who give even less of a shit. The remainder is people who want to glom onto a team that might win something, but that's hardly unique to the District.

Give us a couple years of Dustyball and we can probably downgrade this section to "The Fans (Tim, Carol, Reggie, and Ben With the Lazy Eye)."

Worst Contract: There's $21 million going to Methuselah Werth. There's a very good chance that they end up paying him $2 million per homer this year, with a million left over for looking like the lost Avett Brother.

After this year, Bryce Harper is going to cost far, far more than $5 million, and there's a $42 million per year Max Scherzer Bomb waiting in the wings for when the 2019-2021 years when he starts to age and pitch like Expensive Jason Marquis. Should be fun!

Fantasy Standout: BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP.

Let's bong some Mountain Dew Kickstart and punch a police horse.

Fantasy Bust: Did anyone remember to oil Strasburg before it started raining? No? Did you at least throw a tarp over him? Well, shit.

Pop Culture Equivalent: Rome. The end of it, when stuff was on fire and Emperor Nero was playing a fiddle song about how The Big Red Machine could beat any of these showboat sissy-boy teams. ON-BASE PERCENTAGE DON'T WIN BASEBALL, GEEKS!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Toronto Blue Jays

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head north to look at the Toronto Blue Jays.

I need the biggest Canadian flag you have...No, that's too big.

2015 Finish: 93-69, 1st in the AL East

So Long: Darwin Barney, Mark Buehrle, LaTroy Hawkins, Munenori Kawasaki, Dioner Navarro, Cliff Pennington, David Price, Ben Revere, Maicer Izturis

Welcome: Jesse Chavez, J.A. Happ, Casey Kotchman, Fausto Carmona, Junior Lake, Drew Storen, David Aardsma, Gavin Floyd, Dominic Brown, Jesus Montero

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com):
1. Kevin Pillar, CF
2. Josh Donaldson, 3B
3. Jose Bautista, RF
4. Edwin Encarnacion, DH
5. Troy Tulowitzki, SS
6. Chris Colabello, 1B
7. Russell Martin, C
8. Michael Saunders, LF
9. Ryan Goins, 2B

Starting Rotation: Marcus Stroman, R.A. Dickey, Marco Estrada, J.A. Happ, Aaron Sanchez
Bullpen: Drew Storen, Jesse Chavez, Brett Cecil, Aaron Loup, Ryan Tepera, Steve Delabar
Closer: Roberto Osuna

Rush Lyric Because It’s Canada:

Sorry. Rush sucks and we all know it.
 - Rush Sucks, Governor X

President Alan Alda’s poll numbers are down in the dumps. The economy is sputtering along because the Cold War has ended and all the big defense plants are shutting down. In a desperate attempt to revive his political career, the president’s team concocts a hilarious plot to start a new cold war with Canada.

Meanwhile in Niagara Falls, Sheriff John Candy has his hands full when Deputy Rhea Perlman is arrested and held by Canadian authorities. He and his rag tag crew plan a covert mission to sneak behind Canadian lines and rescue their comrade. At one point, Ontario police officer Dan Aykroyd  pulls them over and makes them translate their “Canada sucks” graffiti into French in accordance with Canadian language laws.

Canadian Bacon is truly an underrated gem. 3.5 maple leafs out of 5

Reason To Watch: They might win the World Series, so there’s that.

Reason To Drink: That pitching staff looks like a whole lotta fart noise to me after Stroman. Yes, fart noise has a particular look. If they don’t win the World Series, that’s probably going to be the reason.

The Fans: Several times in the last year, I’ve been asked if I am Canadian. I don’t know why. I'm pale, but not that pale. Well, yes I am actually. Anyway, I’ve decided to lie and say yes, so I’ve even come up with a convincing back story. Part of the lie will be to say I’m a Blue Jays fan, because literally everyone from Canada is. You can’t argue that. It’s Canadian science. Oh Canada, our home and native land…

Their Worst Contract: This is a tough one because I’m not sure what today’s exchange rate is, but I feel like $20 million a year for Troy Tulowitzki seems high, even if it’s in Canadian dollars.

Fantasy Standout: If you league awards points for bat flipping, which it should, Jose Bautista is a keeper. He’s pretty good swinging the bat too.

Fantasy Bust: The fact that R.A. Dickey throws a knuckleball should keep him from turning into complete garbage in spite of his age, but he’ll still be at least partial garbage. Think of him as the recycling bin. It’s not quite trash, but it still goes out to the curb.

The Pop Culture Equivalent Of This Team Is: DeGrassi Jr. High - Canadian show that some people get excited about for some reason but in the grand scheme of things is completely irrelevant. So says Jake the Terrible Cubs fan anyway. I’ve never heard of it, but apparently Drake was on it, so I’m guessing it was lazy and terrible like he is.

By posting this picture, we just lost every white reader over 50.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 New York Yankees

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head to the Bronx and talk about the Yankees

2015 Finish: 87-75 (2nd Place in AL East)

So Long: Stephen Drew, Chris Young the Outfielder, Andrew Bailey, John Ryan Murphy, Adam Warren, Justin Wilson

Welcome: Aaron Hicks, Starlin Castro, Aroldis Chapman

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
2. Brett Gardner, LF
3. Carlos Beltran, RF
4. Mark Teixeira, 1B
5. Alex Rodriguez, DH
6. Brian McCann, C
7. Chase Headley, 3B
8. Starlin Castro, 2B
9. Didi Gregorius, SS

Starting Rotation: Masahiro Tanaka, Michael Pineda, Luis Severino, Nathan Eovaldi, CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova
Setup: Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller
Closer: Chokey McBangbang

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Plus you're getting old... Stop it, everybody knows that you've lost it"

   -Atmosphere, "Little Man"

The Yankees haven't been bad per se, but they're not all that great either. The past three seasons have been right around 85 wins and just missing the playoffs. The team is full of aging vets locked into massive contracts, so bringing in talent to help has slowed to a trickle. Starlin Castro was their big offseason acquisition. Not terrible by any means, but not exactly the the splashy move the franchise is known for.

So we're back for more of the same in 2016, with everyone a little older and little more broken down. Everyone but Didi and Starlin are over 30. It'll be a miracle if all these guys can reach 120 games let alone more. The pitching staff has some bright spots with Michael Pineda and Luis Severino but also full of question marks with Masahiro Tanaka (elbow?), Nathan Eovaldi (talent?), and CC Sabathia (sobriety?).

Can they win 85 games and make a run at the playoffs again? Sure. But they could also completely fall apart and finish with 75 wins near the bottom of the division. The AL East isn't exactly a cakewalk. You know it's bad when my brother who's been a die-hard Yankee fan since he was a kid in the early 80s even admits, "They're gonna fucking suck." Yankee fans are rarely this pessimistic. Any fan that's insisting they're gonna win the East are just fooling themselves. Like the high school football star that flunked out of college freshman year and shows back up at homecoming to relive the "glory days." Dude, just admit things are over and go work construction already.

Reason To Watch: Luis Severino. Seeing this young of a star on the Yankees these days is a real treat. He looked great in 11 starts last season and is looking to make his mark this year in his first full season. Also the team has let him loose with no restrictions so he could throw 200 innings. Should be fun, at least until he blows his elbow out.

Reason To Drink: CC Sabathia. We have to drink for him because he can't.

The Fans: These people. Look at them. I mean, fucking look at them!

Yeah, no one wants to hang out with these fuckwads.

Their Worst Contract: Most of them. So many guys making well over $20 million a year that no longer actually warrant those prices. The good news is these bloated contracts are over soon. Teixeira and Beltran are off the books after this year. Sabathia has a vesting option in 2017. A-Rod is done after 2017. The Yankees are looking at a much more nimble payroll soon which will allow them to hopefully acquire some younger talent once more and get back to being the most obnoxious franchise in baseball.

Fantasy Standout: No one. A lot of guys are decent, but I'm not going out of my way to draft any of them.

Fantasy Bust: Chase Headley. Fuck this guy. His first full season with the Yankees was garbage and he's not projected to do any better. Sadly the guy they traded to get him in 2014, Yangervis Solarte is a better fantasy option at 3B this year. Not that anyone is drafting Chase Headley anyway.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Transformers sequels. Each year a new one is released it's the same old shit with a monstrous budget. It's old and tired and no one really cares any more.

Aw fuck. Guys, A-Rod's totally juicing again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Cleveland Indians

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Hey, it's about the time we get to some actual contenders! Today we look at the Cleveland Indians.

2015 Finish: 81-80 (3rd Place in AL Central)

So Long: Shaun Marcum, Mike Aviles, Gavin Floyd, Ryan Raburn, Carlos Marmol,

Welcome: Fat Joba Chamberlain, Felipe Paulino, Collin Cowgill, Rajai Davis, Mike Napoli, Juan Uribe, Marlon BYURN BYURN BYURNNNNN Byrd

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Jason Kipnis, 2B
2. Francisco Lindor, SS
3. Carlos Santana, DH
4. Mike Napoli, 1B
5. Lonnie Chisenhall, LF
6. Yan Gomes, C
7. Tyler Naquin, RF
8. Juan Uribe, 3B
9. Rajai Davis, CF

Starting Rotation: Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco, Danny Salazar, Trevor Bauer, Josh Tomlin
Setup: Bryan Shaw
Closer: Cody Allen

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:

"It was all a dream"
   - Notorious BIG, Juicy

The Indians went into 2015 with big things on their mind. A preseason pick by Sports Illustrated to win the World Series, the Indians seemed to be loaded with talent. The problem was that their talent was very top-heavy and after some bad luck and injuries, they barely squeaked out a winning record for the season.

The good news is that all of that talent comes back in 2016. The bad news is that on paper, this is the same team that barely cracked .500 last year and all the same problems are still around.

Let's take a look at the good: Man, are their good players pretty good. Jason Kipnis is an OBP machine capable of hitting 12-15 homers and chipping in just as many steals when he's not busy pulling an oblique muscle from spending too much time at your mom's house. Rookie sensation Francisco Lindor burst onto the scene hitting .313 with 12 homers and 12 steals in just under 100 games. Michael Brantley is a top 10 outfielder when healthy. And the three headed beast at the top of their rotation of Kluber/Carrasco/Salazar is the envy of any team in the majors. Shutting things down in the 9th is Cody Allen, one of the best/most underrated closers in the AL.

So how did such a stacked team end up with such a wet fart of a record last year? The simple answer is: there's no one else. Even 7 great players can't make up for 17 other walking corpses, and the Indians come into this year with that very same lack of depth. Behind Kipnis/Lindor/Brantley in the lineup are a bunch of stiffs. Mike Napoli? Couldn't even get it going in Texas, one of the best offensive environments in baseball. Yan Gomes is maddeningly inconsistent. I didn't know that Juan Uribe was even alive anymore. And Lonnie Chisenhall needs to be brought out back and given the Old Yeller treatment at this point. Trust me, as a Cubs fan, we know what it's like to hold onto hope for a prospect for too long (*cough*Josh Vitters*cough*). Trevor Bauer never met a 3 ball count that he didn't like and the #5 spot in the rotation may not actually exist because Schrodenger's Josh Tomlin is always in a state of being terrible in the rotation and being slightly less terrible out of the bullpen at the same time.

And those awesome stud players the Indians have? Not everything is as good as it looks on paper. Michael Brantley will miss all of April with a shoulder injury, something that can sap players of all their power for entire seasons sometimes. There's a case to be made that Lindor played way over his head last year (a case I will make shortly) and Jason Kipnis is incredibly inconsistent, where he'll give you 3 smokin' hot months and 3 ice cold months in a given season.

All that said, the Indians could figure it all out if Gomes stays healthy and Carlos Santana teams back up with Rob Thomas and puts up a vintage 2013 Santana season, that could make the Indians lineup deep and dangerous. If Gomes and Santana can both reach 20 homers, they've got a real shot as long as Brantley can shake off the rust and do what he did in 2015. Don't be surprised if the Indians threaten to take the division over equally-flawed Detroit and the defending champion Royals.

Reason To Watch: Danny Salazar is NASTY. It's great watching someone pitch who can threaten 12-13 strikeouts every time out. And he's gonna get some strikeout-prone lineups in his division (Minnesota, Detroit, Chicago). Sure, he could take 100 pitches to get through only 5 innings, but those 5 innings will be awesome to watch.

Reason To Drink: 1) It's Cleveland. 2) If you're an Indians fan, you're probably a Browns fan and a Cavs fan too, bringing the total number of championship-less seasons to about 480. 3) Trevor Bauer will have a start where he walks 6 batters in under 4 innings. Probably 3-4 times this year.

The Fans: 

Their Worst Contract: You have to give the Indians credit. Out of their active roster, their highest paid player is Carlos Santana at only $8.5 million. But you also have to remember that they're paying Michael Bourne and Nick Swisher a combined $15 million to sit around and watch porn at home.

Fantasy Standout: Cy Kluber. Guy is great and just because he had a slow start a few seasons in a row, he seems to be coming at a discount in fantasy drafts. He is absolutely one of the top 4 pitchers in baseball. I'd take him over Greinke.

Fantasy Bust: Francisco Lindor. EVERYONE seems to be going nuts about Lindor Chocolate, and if you look at the final numbers of his rookie season, things look great, especially when you factor in the Gold Glove defense at SS. But if you look a little deeper, there's a whole lot of room for regression this season. Lindor was always known as an all glove-decent but not great bat type and I wouldn't be surprised if he goes back to that this season. For his minor league career, Lindor hit one home run every 82 plate appearances. Then when he reached the majors, he homered once every 36.5 plate appearances, putting up a higher ISO than any minor league stop in his career. And that shiny .313 batting average was reliant on a .348 BABIB which even for someone with Lindor's above average speed, is going to be pretty hard to sustain. Then again he is only 22, so growth in the hitting department isn't out of the question. But there's a reason that most projections for him have Lindor putting up the same counting stats he did last year in 50 more games worth of action. I'm not saying he won't be good, but let someone else pay for last year's production rate on draft day.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 2 of Lost. It could get a lot better and reach the potential it has on paper, or this could be the start of when things start to fall apart.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Detroit Tigers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head to the Motor City to visit the Tigers.

Rookie hazing rituals never got as bad as Johnny's signature "Grubb Rubb" which left three players hospitalized and one blinded permanently in 1983.

2015 Finish: 74-87 (Last Place in AL Central)

So Long: Alex Avila, Rajai Davis, Tom Gorzelanny, Alfredo Simon, Joe Nathan, Neftali Feliz

Welcome: Francisco Rodriguez, Cameron Maybin, Jordan Zimmermann, Mike Pelfrey, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Justin Wilson, Nate Schierholtz, Mike Aviles, John Mayberry, Justin Upton, Bobby Parnell, Casey McGehee

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ian Kinsler, 2B
2. Justin Upton, LF
3. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
4. J.D. Martinez, RF
5. Victor Martinez, DH
6. Nick Castellanos, 3B
7. James McCann, C
8. Jose Iglesias, SS
9. Anthony Gose, CF

Starting Rotation: Jordan Zimmermann, Justin Verlander, Anibal Sanchez, Daniel Norris, Mike Pelfrey
Setup: Justin Wilson
Closer: Francisco Rodriguez

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Fuck"

   -Eminem, one of his songs

After four straight seasons atop the AL Central, the Tigers found themselves in the cellar at the end of 2015. Worse than the Twins, the Indians, and even the god damn White Sox. To say shit fell apart for them is an understatement.

After getting out to a hot start the Tigers quickly fell back to earth with nagging injuries to Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander, and Victor Martinez struggling at the one job he has. Once it looked like they weren't going to make the playoffs Dave Dombrowski made the right move and began selling off pieces. Joakim Soria went to the Pirates. David Price to the Jays. Yoenis Cespedes to the Mets. Dombrowski was of course fired soon after that. Because when your GM who helped you reach 4 straight postseasons gives up and starts trading off parts, he clearly has to go. Seriously, the Red Sox gained a solid general manager this offseason.

So now the Tigers are doing what all aging teams that begin to decline do. They start slapping on big free agent band-aids thinking this will save the slowly sinking ship. And why not? Their owner has one foot in the grave and is ready to spend "Fuck you" money on players. Why not bring in Justin Upton and Jordan Zimmermann? Will it help? I don't know, maybe? The clock is definitely ticking though as the other veterans on this team don't have many impact seasons left. The Tigers have enough in the tank to make a possible postseason run this season and next, but I cringe to think about what the 2021 Tigers are gonna look like. This season is like Studio 54 nearing the end of the disco era. Do one last line of coke and dance your ass off because this shit is closing soon.

Reason To Watch: Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. Both of these guys have been outstanding over the years in Detroit, and while they were hampered with injuries last year, they could have a nice little bounceback in 2016. If healthy, Miggy and Verlander are gonna be fun to watch again.

Miggy gives no fucks on where you pitch the ball.

Reason To Drink: The rotation. Zimmermann and Verlander should be solid, but the rest of this rotation has question marks. Anibal Sanchez has yet to string together 30 starts in a season in Detroit. Daniel Norris does show promise but he's still pretty green. I took a crap today and I'm pretty sure that poop could strikeout more people than Mike Pelfrey can.

The Fans: Magnum P.I. liked the Tigers. That's good enough for me.

Their Worst Contract: Victor Martinez. They signed him to a 4 year/$68 million deal last year, at age 36. He of course thanks them with a .245/.301/.366 slash line and career worsts in most other stats as well. They have him for three more years of this shit and he doesn't play the field.

Fantasy Standout: J.D. Martinez. 27 is typically the age that guys hit their prime and Martinez certainly proved that, with an impressive year hitting 38 homers and driving in 102. Put him next to a healthy Miggy and he'll be a top fantasy OF yet again.

Fantasy Bust: Rajai Davis. He's old and not stealing any more. He's also not on the Tigers. Why did you fucking draft him?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: When a sitcom adds a pregnancy story arc to boost ratings. It might work for a bit but this bullshit is getting canceled in another couple seasons anyway.

How did Jordan Zimmermann get so much older after just one season?

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Seattle Mariners

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Seattle Mariners.

Yep... there they are!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Arizona Diamondbacks

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Arizona Diamondbacks.

2015 Finish: 79-83, 3rd place in the NL West

So Long: David Hernandez, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Jeremy Hellickson, Ender Inciarte, Dansby Swanson, Chase Anderson, Aaron Hill

Welcome: Zack Greinke, Kyle Drabek, Shelby Miller, Tim Stauffer, Tyler Clippard, Matt Capps, Jean Segura, Rickie Weeks

Projected Lineup via Rotochamp.com:
1. AJ Pollock, CF
2. David Peralta, LF
3. Paul Goldschmidt, 1B
4. Yasmany Tomas, RF
5. Welington Castillo, C
6. Jake Lamb, 3B
7. Jean Segura, 2B
8. Nick Ahmed, SS

Starting Rotation: Zack Greinke, Shelby Miller, Patrick Corbin, Robbie Ray, Rubby de la Rosa
Setup: Daniel Hudson, Andrew Chafin, Randall Delgado, Matt Reynolds, Tyler Clippard, Josh Collmenter
Closer: Brad Zeigler

Eagles Lyric Because It's the Desert and I Don't Know Any Rap:
"Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona/And such a fine sight to see/It's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford/Slowin' down to take a look at me."
- The Eagles, Take It Easy

The Diamondbacks, that team you forget exists from time to time, scored the biggest free agent prize of the winter in Zack Greinke. The fact that they stole him away from division rival LA makes it even sweeter for them. They also acquired Shelby Miller who once again showed us that pitcher W/L records mean nothing by going 6-17 in spite of posting a 3.02 ERA in Atlanta last year. By the way, the Dodgers were apparently interested in acquiring him too, so the Diamondbacks two biggest moves screwed over a division rival. Well done.

Greinke and Miller give Arizona one of the best one-two punches in the league and a lineup featuring MVP candidate Paul Goldschmidt and the surprisingly effective AJ Pollock should make them a legit contender for the NL pennant. I would just give them the division crown now, but the Giants still have their evil voodoo magic going. More on that coming up in our Giants preview.

Reason to Watch: Zack Greinke was 51–15 with a 2.30 ERA in three seasons with the Dodgers and got robbed of the Cy Young by a civil war reenactor who had a good month. That ERA will probably rise a bit in Arizona, but Greinke could regress considerably and still be one of the best pitchers in the NL. I hope he no hits the fucking Dodgers every time they play.

Reason to Drink: When it's 120 degrees outside, you need to drink to stay hydrated. However, given that this team currently employs Tony LaRussa and previously employed Mark Grace, you can go ahead and drink for no reason in particular. (pours Jäger into a cup of coffee because Drew Carey is a terrible Price is Right host)

The Fans: I honestly have no clue. I've never met one. Arizona is one of those states where a lot of the population came from somewhere else and brought their sports allegiances with them. It took the Cardinals 20 years to develop a real fanbase and they had a 10 year head start on the Diamondbacks. Pro-tip: It would help if you didn't change your entire color scheme every other year.

Their Worst Contract: Even with Zack Greinke on the books for $27 million this year, Arizona has the lowest payroll in baseball. $8 million seems like an awful lot for Tyler Clippard, so let's go with that.

Fantasy Standout: Paul Goldschmidt and Zack Greinke are your obvious choices, so to STIR THE POT, I'm picking Brad Zeigler. Zeigler was 30 of 31 in save opportunities last year and with a significantly improved team I would expect 40+ saves this year.

Fantasy Bust: Jean Segura, because he is an asshole.

The Pop Culture Equivalent Of This Team Is: Something cool, but relatively unknown that you feel special for liking. Basically the complete opposite of The Big Bang Theory which is shitty, widely watched, and something you should be ashamed of.

Arizona's new logo appears to be a snake coughing up a hairball.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Chicago White Sox

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the White Sox

2015 Finish: 76-86, 4th place in the AL Central

So Long: Gordon Beckham, Jeff Samardzija, Geovany Soto, Alexei Ramirez, Tyler Colvin, Jesse Crain, Dayan Viciedo

Welcome: Alex Avila, BRETT LAWRIE, Todd Frazier, Mat Latos, Jimmy Rollins

Projected Lineup via Rotochamp.com:

1. Adam Eaton, RF

2. Jose Abreu, DH

3. Melky Cabrera, LF

4. Todd Frazier, 3B

5. Brett Lawrie, 2B

6. Adam LaRoche, 1B SURPRISE RETIREMENT!

7. Dioner Navarro, C

8. Austin Jackson, CF

9. Jimmy Rollins, SS

Starting Rotation: Chris Sale, Jose Quintana, Carlos Rodon, Mat Latos, John Danks

Setup: Jake Petricka, Zach Duke

Closer: David Robertson

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 

"I can see right through your flower ass"

- 2Pac, Fake Ass Bitches

It seems like around this time every year, baseball talking heads who don't have to fear anything coming close to being held accountable for the garbage that comes out of their mouths all run out of things to say. The "PLAYER XXXX IS IN THE BEST SHAPE OF HIS LIFE" stories have all been told but we're still stuck firmly in the time when minor leaguers make up the majority of each Spring Training lineup by the 5th inning. That's when baseball pundits get really creative, trying to out-HOT TAKE the others and spouting the dumbest things they possibly can, knowing that if what they spew doesn't happen, no one will remember, but if they do hit on one single prediction, they can hold it over everyone else's heads for the next 10 seasons. Honestly, I think that's the highest honor when it comes to working in baseball media, to be the one guy that can follow up everything they say with "But what do I know? I'm only the guy that told everyone that the Kansas City Royals would break out in 2014 when no one else was talking about them!" for a solid decade. It's like your frat brother that never hesitates to break out the "BRO! Remember when I totally called that hole in one that time when we were golfing? EPIC!" Yes, technically that happened, but you also say "Dude I'm about to crush a hole in one" before EVERY drive. Eventually you might be right, but it doesn't mean you're a goddamn genius.

It's during this time of alcohol and Arizona sun induced haze that someone pipes up with something along the lines of "If you really want to find a sleeper team, look no further than the White Sox! That division could go to anyone!"

And it never happens. The White Sox are the ultimate kings of making a splashy move and hoping it distracts the fans from the festering roster problems beneath. For every Jose Abreu signing, there's an Adam LaRoche signing. For every Todd Frazier trade, there's a Jeff Samardzija trade. They constantly have just enough bad pieces to counteract the good pieces.

So where does that leave the 2016 White Sox? In the exact same position. The front office wants to distract you with the flashy top of the lineup. "Man, if that Adam Eaton stays healthy, he's gonna be great! And Jose Abreu hitting second with Frazier at cleanup? In this ballpark? So much scoring!"

That's all well and good, but you seem to forget that Brett Lawrie is now your 2B and your SS is 49 years old and so bad that the Dodgers actually tried to poison him last season? Expect not to get much of anything from LaRoche and Navarro either. Oh, and shiny new toy Todd Frazier is a career .239 hitter in the second half with enough games backing up a trend rather than a fluke. So there's a good chance that the 5-9 positions in your lineup will be a giant windmill factory come July. And you're in the league with a DH. And Melky Cabrera sucks, so you're down to what, 3 actual hitters with any talent?

(UPDATE: After this was written and before it was published, we've received word that, rather than watch the White Sox every day this summer, Adam LaRoche is retiring. Good move by him.)

The pitching staff is in the same boat. Now Chris Sale and Jose Quintana are no Arrieta/Lester, but there are definitely worse guys to have leading your rotation. After that is Carlos Rodon, who never met a batter he couldn't walk and the Serial Killer Currently Known as Mat Latos. Remember Samardzija's season in 2015 White Sox fans? Think of Mat Latos as his dirtier and even more prone to give up 6 ER in a start cousin. Seriously, he's really bad.

Reason to Watch: Only when the Cubs come down to play.

Reason to Drink: Kenny Williams. No one is ever safe when your team is run by the GM equivalent of the one guy in your fantasy baseball league that is constantly making trades that don't make his team any better or worse, but just likes to 'shake things up!'

The Fans: There's a lot of bad things I can say about certain subsets of White Sox fans, just as they could say the same about certain Cubs fans. One thing I will share is that I think deep down in a place that they refuse to admit exists, all White Sox fans secretly want to be Cubs fans. You cannot convince me otherwise. There's no other reason they would try to hold this air of superiority over the Cubs. Oh, our last World Series win came in 1908 you (constantly and drunkenly) say? You know that until you stumbled into a World Series win on the back of a botched call against Garrett Anderson in the ALDS that was one of the worst calls I've seen in my life your last one came in the almost-just-as-distant year of 1917, right? And that the White Sox have a total of 3 World Series wins to the Cubs 2? And that both teams have finished in first place in their divisions 3 times since 2000? So why do I run into so many White Sox fans that think their team is so much superior to the Cubs both historically and in modern times? At least when I get that kind of attitude from Cardinals fans, I can understand it since they go to the playoffs every stupid year and have a crapload of World Series wins. No, it's because Sox fans are in denial that they want to bask in the glory of the Cubs but will never let themselves. Whenever you meet someone that says they "root for all Chicago teams" I GUARANTEE that person will follow it up with "but if I had to choose, I like the Sox more than the Cubs." EVERY time. No Cubs fans will ever also root for the Sox, but I hear about it happening the other way around all the time. It's the reason they keep bringing in guys like Samardzija and Geovanny Soto year after year like a creepy ex who steals shit from you so they can be close to your smell.

Their Worst Contract: The highest paid player on the White Sox this season is John Danks. He is making $14.25 million this season, or about $5 million for every quality start he'll post in 2016.

Fantasy Standout: Todd Frazier, if you can trade him at the All Star Break.

Fantasy Bust: Everyone is in a hizzy about the awesome last 6-7 starts that Carlos Rodon made last season. Sorry to geyser Jeff Samardzija-style all over your parade, but even when he had his awesome streak, he was still walking 3.5 batters per 9 innings. That's...a lot. And with Jimmy Rollins at SS and Brett "always a danger of pulling a hamstring or oblique" Lawrie at second, that infield defense ain't going to be very good either.

The Quirk Of Human Behavior Equivalent To This Team Is: People who live in Naperville or Skokie or Elgin that tell people they're from Chicago. You can get away with that if you live on one of the coasts since no one will know where Elgin or Woodstock are, but even then the proper response is to say you're from the "Chicago area". Don't do this. Unless you want to call them the Milwaukee Bears of Chicago too.