On the bright side of things...

This years dismal f&ck-up of a season is almost over with. Gone is the Monopoly Man and his tirades, farewell to postseason hopes and goodbye to one more year of mediocrity that has plagued the Cubs for far too long...

"I know I'm an asshole,
kick me out please."

But looking on the bright side of things (because I am the eternal optimist despite that first paragraph) at least we aren't Pittsburgh Pirates Fans.

Last nights whipping put the Bucs in their place, not to mention the fact that it was also the Cubs that secured their 17th consecutive losing season several weeks ago... Today brings a double header where *hopefully* the Cubbies will win both games under the lead of Lilly and Big Z. While I'm not banking on a sweep, it would certainly be nice especially because baseball outside of September will be sad for all of Cubdom yet again.

Looks like those "fancy" new jerseys with
them newfangled sleeves didn't work
so well after all.

If the MLB were High School, the Cubs would be the Star Football player from the previous year that everyone thought would lead the school to a State Championship (World Series) except instead we broke our leg halfway through the season, had an embarrassing episode in the locker room and literally shit ourselves playing the Freshman team (Washington Nationals).

Another "On the Bright Side..." item is that the Gatorade dispensers in the dugout also get a nice break from being Z's bitch. Throw a bad pitch that is a go-ahead run to the Pirates? Take it out on the Gatorade Machine.

"Can you feel the love tonight?"

I am just looking forward to an off-season where constant replays from the Cardinals, which take up way too much time on Sportscenter, are off the air. Yay! - For all other sports that aren't baseball: NHL (Hawks play in two days), NFL, College Football and Basketball... Oh how entertaining the off season will be.

So until the next baseball season starts, don't kill yourselves by drinking that 30-Pack of warm Pabst Blue Ribbon, don't swear and curse at Milton Bradley... watch something else... Hell, even Kate plus 8 will be back on (shocking news: "Jon" was dropped by TLC... ) if you're looking to fill you night full of crying and drinking. You might even find time to go to church and pray that next year will bring a NL Central title, playoff berth and World Series...

The only thing that I love,
that loves me back.

Childhood Favorites: Legos

First: I hate walking through stores. I am not naive enough to know why they place bread and milk on the opposite sides of grocery stores or why they always have batteries at the cash registers. Its all part of their plan to have you buy more useless junk because in America we have the attention span of a 5 year old. With that said, I was walking through a store last week (lets just call it Mal-Wart) and there was a mom holding back a screaming because they went past the toy aisle and the kid just kept screaming "LEGO! LEGO!" because the mother had mistakenly walked down the aisle with lots of Lego sets in it.

I'm sure there was once a point in time where we were all screaming "LEGO!" at the top of our lungs. I know I probably did.

The first set of LEGO's I got as a kid was when I was about 3 years old (my parents were rule breakers, because I wasn't 4 like the box suggested) and it came in the common "Blue Box" that the basic LEGO sets come in today. It was simple: two people, an assortment of 5 differently colored bricks, in various sizes and then one of their small build panels. Like most kids of the time I started to play and then I was hooked. I would spend countless hours building, destroying, rebuilding, destroying... Then as time when on I was able to accrue more pieces: Like the Technix kits and other simple LEGO kits. Eventually my play pail was full of various LEGO pieces and parts.

We were also fed commercials through Nickelodeon where we were told to tell our parents that the only things we wanted for Christmas were MORE LEGOS! Sure enough their marketing ploys worked and kids were begging their parents for the newest LEGO sets come every December. Soon the collections expanded: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Lego_themes

LEGOland - The Mecca of LEGO

But you can't mention LEGOS without talking about LEGOland. The first park opened in 1968 and since LEGOland's have opened up across the world. The big one here in the US is the one out in Los Angeles. While I have never been, it is on a list of future stops (thats for damn sure...) I have been to other smaller LEGO outlets though like the ones in Chicago and Orlando.

If you're like me then you also remember the excitement when your younger cousins (or even children) open up that box of LEGOS at Christmas or on a Birthday and you think to yourself: "I could get that together in about an hour..." then you sit there in awkward silence because you're afraid that your girlfriend or wife just heard you meant to think internally, but instead announced it to everyone in the room. Its as if playing with LEGOS is a shameful kid activity.

But there are many people that have made it cool to play with LEGOS as adults and even have jobs where they do nothing but play with LEGOS all day. They have LEGO jobs at their corporate offices (where some of the people even get to design new sets all day!) and there is even something called "LEGO Serious Play" which is a corporate team building event that strives for executives and employees to collaborate using LEGOS. There are also the LEGO model builders who have built replicas of buildings through out the world.

If only I had the skill to build this

Since this is also a Cubs Blog you can't help but wonder: is there a guy out there that is building a LEGO version of Wrigley Field? Well, yes there is. It is still under construction, but mind you these masterpieces of plastic brick take a while to build.

http://legowrigley.blogspot.com/

The Friendly Confines (in LEGOS)

Overrated: UFC

I know you love my balls in your face,
hence why I am putting them here.

UFC is Overrated.

Why is it that everyone I know is obsessed with it? Why is it that men enjoy watching other men in tiny shorts, kick and slap each other in the face and legs? If I wanted to watch that I would just sit and watch Oxygen or VH1. I just don't get it.


UFC, or "Ultimate Fighting Championship" if there is such a thing, was created a few years ago in an attempt to create a new fighting league that strives to appeal to white trash, tools and douchebags alike. Their idea was to combine all of the Martial arts into a single "Ultimate Fighting" style. While their efforts were indeed noble, they have failed. When you watch a UFC match it is essentially a glorified version of The Rock (who's a "movie star" now) choke slamming Stone Cold Steve Austin, except WWE had a better script and more action.

Now look: in the interest of Full Disclosure, and the fact that some of you may be screaming at the top of your lungs "Have you ever seen a UFC fight?! You're an idiot if you don't like it," yes, I have seen UFC fights. In fact I tried to make myself like it because it seemed like an interesting idea. I have watched at least 10 fights and not once have I been interested in watching another, yet I forced myself to. If you don't think 10 is enough I don't care.

Moving beyond the initial absurdity of men slapping and kicking each other: What is up with the players or "fighters" themselves? You have these idiot promoters who will do anything to get on TV or promote a fight, including getting "Passed Out" by a rather ugly woman to promote her fight. You have fighters who were either homeless, bank robbers or gay. You have washed up boxers (who were never that good anyway) trying to make it. Whats next: a guy who has seen every Jackie Chan movie and can mimic his every move? I'm still waiting for the "Tool Man" who was a former construction worker like the feel of balls in his face, or "The Weather Man", Al Roker. At least WWE has more inventive story lines, plots and characters.

Secondly: where is the strategy? So a guy puts his hands up to his face, what should I do? Kick him in his shins (duh), or what happens if he jumps? Up+A+B (also known as the Hadōken). Now you can't kick him in the balls or headbutt, but you can do anything but that. Literally you can flail about or punch a guy in his stomach then knee him in the head. Why can't it be more like boxing, where the punches thrown act as more like a pawn and rounds are actually scored by judges who genuinely understand the sport and not this:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/980548/.

Christ, I think I,of all people, could hold this guy off for longer than 14 seconds by simply staying off the fence. Not to mention that this 14 second defeat, nay embarrassment, was supposed to be the pinnacle of the supposed "sport" that UFC was supposed to be. You may think I'm harping on a fight that just "wasn't that good" but did you see the build up to it? When the main contender dropped out Mr. Pink Hair (a scrub) came in.

One of these two guys is a UFC fighter.
Does it really matter which one?

Third: What the hell is up with naming your events not by people involved but by number? Do you ever see Lightweight Worldwide 55 for Boxing? No. What happens when UFC reaches 100? Its like the first American flags where they decided that they would add a new star and stripe for each additional state, they quickly found out that the average flag would be larger than the state of Rhode Island. What happens when your average sports guy says "Remember UFC 45?" and the other guy goes "Which one is that again?" Besides, is naming the fighters really that big of a deal, I mean, it is your job to make these people famous, is it not? ESPN, the monolith of all sports, has commentators who are former players/professionals/coaches for almost all of their sports. I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing, but when your commentators for UFC are former UFC "Fighters" that I, or most of the public, has never heard of there is a problem with publicity.

Finally, the thing that just makes me think to my self, "WTF" about UFC is the utter fascination with the clothing line that they themselves created. We're sorry if TMS is turning into Men's Vogue (with the recent rash of articles referring to style) but for Christ sake, no one even cares if you watch UFC, so why would you even wear Tap-Out or Affliction shirts and pretend that its "cool." Not to mention that the shirts look like they could have been designed by the same douche that designs Ed Hardy (see below post, I concur 100% with it). To you, middle aged father of 3 children with white picket fence, wearing that "Tap-Out" t-shirt, no matter how hard you try you will fail to be cool to your 13 year old son, no matter what. Deal with it and buy a Corvette, then he might like you.

Live from the Jersey Shore:
MMA: Battle of the Tools

Maybe my hatred of UFC stems from the fact that I'm a bit old fashioned and this its more of a fad than anything else. Maybe its because as a 13 year old boy I didn't like WWE, nor did I collect Pokemon cards, Magic cards or buy into any other fad associated with the mid-ninety's. Maybe its because I just hold boxing in such high esteem that I'm blinded by "HOW AWESOME" UFC really is. Maybe its because I don't enjoy men in silky boxer-briefs fancy slap each other. Whatever it is, UFC is overrated, and no matter what you say it will be overrated forever.

09/09/09

We're all f&cked.

THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!
THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!
THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!

Today is 09/09/09 - a numerical date that really reflects nothing significant, other that the same number day being in the same numbered month being in the same numbered year (as long as you take out the "20--" part.) But don't be fooled - every major TV outlet, newspaper, radio station and blog, including this one now, will be talking about how today is special.

Today marks the beginning of the end for people who actually believe that numerically unique dates are signs that the world is going to end. These are the same people that built bunkers in their basement, computer free, for Y2K (I survived, did you?) These are the same people that you see at Sam's Club or Kroger stocking up on Spam, Campbell's Soup other non-perishables. These are the same people that are waiting for December 12, 2012 to come.

SPAM - Does the body good

For some of us that live under a rock December 12, 2012 is the supposed date that the Aztec Calender ends, leading a lot of people to believe that the end of the world is occurring on that date. If its not the end of the world then there will be a cataclysmic event (one site I visited even suggested that its the "Dawning of the Age of Aquarius." If I have to endure one more person singing that song, their world will end.) These people are nuts. It seems as if they are coming to the sudden realization that they may not make it past that day. At one point in time I was blissfully unaware that I am going to die, I was two. I think I have a better chance at getting shot by a dog dressed in hunting gear with a gun over its shoulder that seeing the world end on December 12, 2012.

"This human oppression has lasted too long."

I'm not expecting an Orsen Welles/War of the Worlds moment in time here where literally everyone thinks there is an alien invasion, but we could play on the fear that Communist Zombies are invading to indoctrinate out children in their classrooms with the values of Socialism. Oh the horrors! Next the Communists could want to endorse a national health care plan and "death panels" if were not careful!

It actually wouldn't surprise me to hear of a cult that killed themselves today. Heavens Gate comes to mind: matching uniforms, purple covers and "fresh" Nikes (except Nikes are no longer "trendy", so Chuck Taylors will have to suffice today). I mean really what happens more often: the Halley-Bopp Comet or 09/09/09? Exactly.

So in closing, I don't intend to lock myself in my house nor do I plan to go stock up on milk, eggs and bread (which is common before every potential natural disaster in Kentucky). I plan to go about my daily life, and hope that you do the same. But if you really think the world is going to end, or you're just bored at work, just click here.

Movies I’m Not Looking Forward To

I like movies, a lot. I enjoy watching, quoting and re-watching. While these opinions are mine and solely mine I do not expect the rest of the TMS Staff to agree with me, rather I expect them some one like Chaim to throw a foamy latte back in my face because it makes him farty and bloated (I’m the intern, its a challenge to get it without excessive foam)

The Final Destination

OK, so the series has gone on long enough and they are effectively killing the franchise of horror flicks that brought in tons of money. Frankly I don’t understand how there got to be so many of them in the first place (with this one it brings it to four) but it has raked in $316,000,000. The power of the almighty dollar.

But what is even more bizarre is that the ratings have gone up with each subsequent version of the movie, yet it is still way below par with reviews not even meeting the two star out of four in most cases.

Besides, the new previews for it are hilarious... there appears to be a girls head caught in the sun roof of a car as it goes through the automated car wash with saw blades, a escalator that collapsed to reveal human eating machines and a plane that crashes into a back yard. What is this? Donnie Darko?

All About Steve

This movie suffers from what I like to call Seth Rogan Disease. Bradley Cooper and the small asian man are at it again in a movie that tries to be a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock. I am already tired of Seth Rogan, but now they are taking Bradley Cooper and throwing him into anything that remotely resembles a comedy.

You can also tell if a movie is going to suck from the number of trailers that are on TV. This movie isn’t due to come out until September 4, but ads have been on TV now for at least three weeks. The sheer amount of ads for it (I saw three in one 30 minute sitting) tell me it that the producers go “Shit, this movie sucks, we are going to lose a lot of money. Lets advertise the shit out of it so that people just go to the movies and once they buy that ticket the money is ours. If they walk out because its terrible, they walk out.”

Sorority Row

A killer is on the loose in a small college town and killing hot Sorority girls, making it a dude movie that you can take your girlfriend to because its a horror movie. I love how generic the scenes are in the preview. You could literally switch the titles between any generic horror movie (House of Wax, etc) with this preview and you would think its a different movie because the title is the only different thing.

Its like a Nickelback Song: Insert power chords, Chad Kroger and a hook that follows 4-4- time pattern and wha-la you have a terrible song that sounds like every other Nickelback song.

Back To School...

This week the kiddo's started to hop on their school busses, and the college kids (like myself) are just trying to enjoy the last few weeks before school starts by drinking heavily, making mistakes and causing mayhem. We are also not working at our summer jobs / slavery or internships / indentured servitude.

But because school is starting school, this means football season is also just around the corner. Since the Cubs are blessed by the curse of mediocrity this year, I'm am oddly looking forward to what could be an even more dismal football season than last years...

But with that aside starting back at school excites me, and not because of the classes (because I have a class Saturday morning... why am I doing this to myself?) but because you have something to do during the day that isn't terribly boring or worthless, you can always use the excuse "Well at least I'm learning something." even if its just the new rules for Beer-Pong, Boom, Wine Spins or Louisville Chugger. And if you throw up on someones rug (freshman, I'm pointing to you) you can use the excuse that you're a college kid and then adults in the real world just laugh it off and call you stupid instead of isolating you like you have swine flu.

College also provides time to play a shit ton of video games that no one else (except LANWar Dorks) have time or desire to play. You're even able to expierement with N64, Sega Genesis or NES. When you're not playing these games you have time to watch all sorts of day-time TV and you don't ever miss The Price is Right (it just happens to be druing your Bio class, but hell you can just read the book and take the test). You also can't forget Judge *insert name here* and Cops.

For dinner you have a hearty helping of Ramen (if you don't steal a freshmans meal card) Then at night you put on your nicest bar shoes that are so dirty they should be a HAZMAT situation and then to your local dive bar. There you find underaged kids trying to memorize and study the info on their fake ID so that when they're interrogated they'll spew it back out just to get some beer (which is the only important studying of the day) and you will also see the occaisonal cougar. Later you and your buddies bet your friend (who is the batshit craziest guy you know) that he won't hit on her. Inevitbaly your friend does hit on her, they make out and he goes home with her, hammered drunk, and texts you the next morning "I fuckin hate you, you owe me $20"

You stumble out of the bar at roughly 4:00 am because they kick you out, stop at the 24 hour McDonalds and grab some greasy food and then go "Oh shit I have a test in the morning" which you haven't studied for. You wake up at 9:00 and cram for an hour before your 10:00 American History exam and completely guess on every question. Later you go back to your apartment, pass out and miss the rest of your classes until your friend calls to get his $20.

So to end this primer for incoming freshmen, I want your meal card and you already owe me beer. I'll buy some for you but there is a 30-pack buyers fee that I take prior to you getting your beer, and if it happens you don't give me enough, tough shit, I get my beer first. Like Captain Ron said it best: "You want a beer, get your own god damn beer." Also, you don't know how to park your car, so don't even pretend you know how to get around town in your car that mommy bought you.

Americas Gay Cowboy Sweethearts Divorce

Oh they just look so young...

Its over. Americas romance with its first openly gay, NASCAR and redneck friendly country musicians is over. Brooks and Dunn called it quits after they almost made it to their Commemorative China Plate anniversary.

Today is a sad day indeed.

So now I’m going to drink a little whiskey under a bridge to almost 20 years of 10 gallon hats, guitar jammin', and pickin' that set Brooks and Dunn apart from the rest of the country singers out there. But first lets reminisce on some of the great B&D moments:

1991: Boot Scootin’ Boogey

This is the song that moved Brooks and Dunn into the spotlight. The square dance number was so hip that little 5 year old me did a dance to it. It forever changed my life, and to this day it is still heard at our tailgates for football.

1993: Corn Flakes Race Car

Back in the 90’s it was perfectly legit for your face to be on boxes (remember Jordan on Wheaties? Oh the good ol’ days) and B&D were on the Corn Flakes box with little toy NASCAR models. Being 7 I just had to have it, so I saved UPC’s and mailed in for it only a few weeks later (this is back in the day when they didn’t give toys away... you had to work for them). In fact, I think I still have this car in my toy car box from my childhood, but sadly I can’t find it.

NASCAR Fans around the world are also mourning their loss today

1994-96: The Golden Years

B&D released two of their most commercially successful albums to date: Waitin' on Sundown and Borderline. The two albums combined fielded 9 singles that broke the top 10 in the Country ranking, making them one of the most popular country groups of the decade.

1997-2002: Decline and Comeback

After their Greatest Hits 1 in 1997 they released a couple of albums that were mediocrely successful, and it wasn’t until 2002 that the Ambiguously Gay Duo of B&D stormed back like Batman and Robin to retake the charts with their Red Dirt Road Album that became number one with several singles

2003-2009: Riding the Success to Break up

In 2007 they released their 10th album and toured around the nation in support of it. It was also very successful. Then almost as suddenly as Brooks and Dunn came on to the scene they announced that they will no longer be together after they complete their 2010 tour.

2010+: The Future?

Maybe they aren’t hanging up their 10 gallon hats just yet, but whats next for Brooks and what’s next for Dunn? I just hope I don’t see them on a “Where are they now?” style show in a few years...

Puttin' the end on a career.

Wait... What the hell am I talking about? Why am I pretending like I care? I wasn’t even aware they were still together until today... I thought they had hit their peak in the mid-nineties, packed up and headed in the the sunset before 2000 like the Spice Girls and Tu Pac... looks like I missed out on the action... and, wait... they’re not actually gay... shit, I’m too lazy to even rewrite this post. I guess that means you're just gonna have to get your gay cowboy fill from Brokeback Mountain. Oh well... Taylor Swift or Garth Brooks will pick up the slack, besides I don’t like popular country music.

Kubs LIVE! From The Kremlin (Delayed Broadcast)

Good Afternoon Komrades

Today z glorious Kubs of Chikago take on z Cincinnati Reds in z home of Communism, Great Amerikan Ballpark, alzo known as z Kremlin. Duzty Baker will be eating z finest borsch in preperationz for z battle.

In all seriousness Tuesday the Cubs ('Mericas Team) played the Reds. Making it a family affair (3 Generations of Cubs Fans) we battled through Noah and the Ark like floods and Kentucky's finest construction crews to get to Cincinnati. (In case you missed it Louisville was underwater for most of the day)

Now since this is Friday and you know what the score was, you know that the Cubs dominated the Reds from the second pitch of the first inning (where Kosuke hit a nice dinger into left) so I will attempt to review the ballpark.

Food:

For food the ball park was actually reasonably priced. They had your typical fare (burgers, dogs and beer) and on top of that Penn Station, Chicken Strips and enough Skyline to make drunks hurl. I opted for the Chicken Strips for $9 with 4 strips and fries, which I thought was reasonable. My dad got a hamburger for the same price that was fully dressed and actually looked like it was made of real cow, surprising for Communists.

Beer:

Since the Reds are a Budweiser team you can get Bud Light everywhere, but when it comes to other beer (like Miller Lite) you have to go to a special kiosk to get it. While I'm still personally not a fan of the two beer per customer limit, they resolve the issue with a steady stream of "Rocket Men" who have tubs filled with beer and other assorted ball park treats. I also discovered that they have fake micro-brew like Shock Top and your very common but imported Guinness. I got a Shock Top late in the game prior to the 7th, but it was $9 which I felt was a little much.

Seating:

Minus the fact that it rained, the chair back seating was nice and we had a completely unobstructed view of the diamond, we even had a usher wipe off our seats for us. The seats were roomy and fairly comfortable for three guys, but if you're over 300 lbs, you won't be happy.

Fans:

OK, so its not exactly Wrigley, but its close... there were easily more Cubs fans at the game then there were Reds fans. Most of the fans were Chicago transplants or from that region of the world, which made it interesting.

So all in all Great American is a nice park, its cozy with lots of convenient parking (unless you park by the river when its flooding) and has a good atmosphere that I recommend.

TMS Booze Project: 1792

While I rather enjoy the TMS Beer Project reviews I am from the state of Kentucky it would be criminal of me not to review at least one bourbon (maybe more). So here is my take on the Booze project.

Editor's Note: SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Reading Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. Read at Your Own Risk.

Distillery: Barton Brands Distillery, Bardstown KY

Type: Bourbon

Receptacle: 500 mL glass bottle (with cork)

History: 1792 was the year that Kentucky became a state (and a damn good one at that). Bourbon can (technically) be produced anywhere in the United States but most (with rare exception) are made in and around the Louisville (said Loo-ville, not Looey-ville or Louis-ville and if you're talkin' bourbon, get it right!), Bardstown Lexington triangle. For those unfortunate few that are made outside of Kentucky, they would be better used as lighter fluid for burning down the distilleries that they are made in.

Drinkability (1 being hill-billy piss, 10 being the most awesome thing to ever be in your mouth): 9. Most bourbons are notoriously smooth, this is no exception. While most bourbons have a little bite to them this has almost none (in terms of bourbon). The hue of bourbon is a nice amber color with a strong smell that resonates well. It is similar in taste to a Woodford but more mellow on the palette and with a slightly heavier aftertaste that leaves you wanting more. This wouldn’t however be a good bourbon for Mint Juleps in my opinion because its too mellow to suit the sweetness of the julep. 1792 is also positioned as a high end bourbon (for those who are wondering) that is meant to compete with Woodford Reserve (the “Make you believe in God” bourbon) and Makers Mark (the “I want to be trendy, so I’ll buy this because the bottle looks cool” bourbon). It does have a very good rich taste that can probably be attributed to the oak used for the barrels. There is no need for any mixing what so ever, as it is perfectly fine and velvety by itself or on the rocks.

Intoxication (1 being Southern Baptist in the land of Mega Churches, 10 being drunk like a hillbilly by a still out in the Appalachians): 7, it it pretty stout at 94 proof, but still not as stout as other bourbons in its category like Knob Creek (which is in short supply right now) or Bulleitt (which will take paint off of walls... seriously... I the cabinet it was in lost paint) but its still sufficient enough to get you drunk, but for normal folks it might be too expensive so sipping it with a nice cigar is always a good option.
Celebrities You May See Drinking This Spirit: Jerry Bruckhiemer (lives literally miles away from where it is made, and also has an ice rink in his barn), Charlie Sheen, Bob Baffert and God.

Affordability ($ being White Castle, $$$$ being a $1000 pizza): $$$ for me, $$$$ for people outside of Kentucky, $$$$$ for people outside the US. Living in this state does have its advantages - great horse racing and cheap (but good) bourbon. I actually dread leaving this state because I don’t know how to survive with out it. I paid $27 for it out in the “ritzy” part of town but have bought it for $20 plus tax (which sucks because until a few months ago there was no sales tax on alcohol) versus online where the cheapest you can get it is $29 before shipping.

In closing, if you like bourbon don't live in Kentucky (or nearby Indiana) you're pretty much screwed if you want good bourbon for a reasonable price tag.

Overrated: Dane Cook

I'm cool: you want proof?
My belt buckle is badass.

Dane Cook is not funny.

First, while I shouldn’t even have to, let me explain. Dane Cook started as a comedian touring college campuses and small time bars and became “big” after he appeared on Comedy Central. While early on he might have been funny, his comedy slowly devolved into a formulaic, mind-numbing and insulting. Today it is no secret that he is hated by most comedians, a major drama queen and supposedly is low enough to steal material from comedians like Louis CK. Regardless, even if he wasn’t any of these things he still isn’t funny. Take a look at my rendition of “The Dane Cook Formula”:

Step 1: Make an Observation (usually something simple)
Step 2: Describe something in the observation
Step 3: Expect people to laugh at the observation as if its ironic or unique
Step 4: If people don't laugh then:
a: make a strange face or make an odd movement to accentuate story
b: yell a swear word or make an odd noise at the top of your lungs
Step 5: Expect people to laugh at a, b or a and b.
Repeat

In fact, lets take it further. This is the joke that prompted me to write this post and have a long discussion with my coworker (who is named Karen and called this the Karen joke). All you have to do it take the formula and apply it (the only thing I have done is add “Step #”, this “joke” is in its whole form, seriously... you can't make this up)

Step 1:

So I'm hangin' out with all of my buddies, and uh, I realize something, I realize something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends you've hung out with the most, maybe you're all here tonight. And this is what I realized, I had an epiphany, and here it is, right here: There is one person, in every group of friends, that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there, to hate their guts. When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp, your hobby, is cutting that person down.

Step 2:

Example: "Karen, is always a douchebag." Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around, you just look at each other and say, "God, Karen, she's such a douchebag!". Until she walks up, then you're like, "Hey, what's up Kar-? Kar-. What's up Kar-?"

Step 3

There's always that one person - and I'm lookin' out and some of guys are like "Umm, I disagree." Well you're the person - You're the person nobody likes.

Step 4

I know, it is so true, and that's why it's funny. It is so true, that's why it's funny, because, it's so true, hence, funny.

Skip Step 5

Repeat Step 1

Your whole life that person has been there. That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian. Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up, even if we didn't tell him where we were going.

Step 2

We would go someplace and he would do that I Just Found You run. "H-h-h-h-hi guys. What's up guys?" And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group. We'd be like,

Step 3

"Fucking Brian is coming." "What?" [whispered] "Fucking Brian is coming."

Step 4

That's his name, Fucking Brian Is Coming. I heard a rumor, when he was born, even the doctor said, "Fucking Brian is coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here."

Step 5

That's what I'm saying - quote, unquote. And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.

Repeat

Wow... just take a minute to reread that and see what is funny about the actual text. There is nothing funny about it... hes telling a terrible story that most people would end with "and then I found a $5 bill." Then on top of it he stops in the middle to say "Its funny because its true." Yes Dane, its true, but its not funny. Sorry.

I challenge you to go back and look at other Dane Cook Jokes, I've even made it easy by giving you this site if you don't believe me: http://www.mustsharejokes.com/page/Dane+Cook+Jokes.
Every one of those jokes follows the formula. In closing, Dane you're a terrible comedian, and if you were the jester in my court I'd have you guillotined.

War Criminal: Undersized Pints

Last week I went out with a few of my friends to a little pub called "Fox and Hound" that some of you may have heard of (actually its a chain that caters to people who think its actually an English style pub... aka Tools). Our group had won a party package where we got free pizza and wings as long as we had 10 people there, and it was $2.00 pint night to boot. So I joined in the celebration and ordered my first beer which came in a glass pint. After a few beers and several games of nine-ball I ordered another, yet this time it came in small plastic cup. I looked at it, then looked at the glass that my friend had, and my cup was both shorter and almost the same width of the glass...

Then I recalled a article from the Wall Street Journal from last year were many fine establishments started to short change consumers by "subtly" changing their pints from the 16oz (an American standard) to the smaller 14oz to cut down cost and increase profit per glass. It wasn't until I realized this that I looked at the glass and sure enough the beer was only 14oz.

What the hell... seriously?

So then I asked our waitress (who was a very nice girl, yet just got yelled at by another customer... I hate people that think they have a right to do that) and asked her why I had gotten the plastic cup instead of the glass. She informed me that they were the same size, but the big pints had a "foam" on top and the plastic cups didn't.

I was angry, all this time I thought I was ordering 16oz pints, because when I had gone in the past they were that size. But no, they were only 14oz. Now this goes past $2 Pint night (which is still a reasonable price for even that beer) but what about a regular night where they charge you 3.75 for the same beer. You're almost paying a quarter for a oz of beer. Thats ludicrous! Not to mention that they also "foam out" the top at some places.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121279252381153273.html

The article gives several tips to avoid getting shortchanged at bars. I call for a tribunal to convene and sentence those guilty.

In Defense Of: Child Labor

Capitalism is a great idea, however over the years socialist b@stards and hippies have tried to stop the mighty steam locomotive of progress by enacting laws that prevent companies from putting other animals besides cow in your ground chuck (suck on my sausage Upton Sinclair!). Even more disturbing nations around the world are not looking to the United States as a “model” for human rights. This is both revolting and sickening. However the most disturbing part of this trend is that these lefties are trying to take the dignity and worth out of an honest job. From giving people the idea that unions improve wages and benefits to limiting the hours or completely eliminating the possibility of child labor. These people are destroying capitalism and the Laissez Faire style of economics. Adam Smith and other pioneers of capitalism ar rolling over in their graves. But alas, I refuse to let this happen without a fight!

Exhibit A: Mugatu understands the way the world should work.

But you now may be asking why I am defending what some may term the "despicable" practice of child labor. Simply put I am a purist. The Free Market works and I'm sure all of the panelists on CNBC and Fox Business would agree that the most open market is the free market. There should be no regulation at all - FDA, SEC, FDIC and Federal Reserve be damned. They're just playing with the markets! Besides child labor does have its benefits:

1: Children Have Endless Amounts of Energy
Today so many people in the workforce get tired while on the job and working. They come to work tired, get groggy after lunch and then become incredibly unproductive right before they leave. This wastes money, lots of money. In the name of efficiency children do not have this problem, as they are full of energy. Feed them some sugary stuff during the day and they are like little energizer bunnies. You also don't have to worry about them waking up on time because as we all know children have an automatic alarm clock built inside of them, and you even get bonus hours on Saturday. A side benefit to having this energy is that that they no longer need toys or television, because the machines that they are working with to produce goods have tons of buttons that they get to push (in a predetermined order naturally).

Exhibit B: Will work for candy.

2: Size Matter

Children are smaller than adults, this makes them ideal for working in factories for three reasons

a: Fit more workers into a factory - Now you can fit 100 workers into the area where an employer could previously fit only 50. You can also lower the roofs and fit more levels of a factory into the same height of a regular factory. This increases efficiency to the point of your economy of scale.

b: Smaller hands allow for more intricate work - Who doesn't love detail work? Since children have small hands with it comes the ability to get more details into pieces of clothing and objects that they make. This was previously done by machines but why employ machines when hand worked items are worth more?

c: Smaller size allows for smaller and more compact machinery - their size also allows them to operate machines that are smaller than what regular sized adults could work on. Smaller buttons, gears and more allow for companies to fit more machines into a structure, which means greater efficiency.

3: Save Money - Lower Taxes - Grow the Economy

Children require less pay than adults, since you could term their labor “inferior” to that of people working hard in the coal mines. This means that as a business owner you have more money to invest in capital, growing your business and making more money! You’ll also lower taxes because kids won’t need public schooling anymore. If you are rich enough to afford private school then feel free to send your children (they will be the future Captains of Industry), but the great public school experiment in the United States has failed, so we should eliminate it. With the drop in tax rates (because the government needs less money due to no regulation) growth in profits and increase in cheap labor the laws of economics suggest you would make heafty profits and real world income growth! This would move the manufacturing might of the US back up to levels of WWII, and who doesn't want that?

Exhibit C: Proof that public schools have failed.

4: Apprenticeship Used To Be Popular
Back in the middle ages many kiddos would jump at the chance to work with hot steel and explosives. Now we could start apprenticeship programs to teach kids skills they could really use. It would put many of the children who can't succeed in school to work and it would take the smart kids and put them in a naturally higher order over the weaker ones - a win-win for the economy and humanity! Besides the ones learning trades could then refine the trade, pass it on, refine it further meaning more profits for the smart, intelligent wealthy ones and a good standard of living (in 18th century terms) for the rest of the population!

In closing now that you can see the benefits of child labor call your representative today and ask that we repeal all of these useless regulation organizations and put our kids back to work!

Underated: Going to the Moon (and Mars)

Yesterday we celebrated the 40th anniversary of what is one of the biggest events to occur in human history. First there was the invention of beer, then the wheel and fire. It wasn't until the 1960’s when man wrangled a big f-cking Saturn V rocket, cathode tube computers, liquid oxygen, hydrogen and big hairy American balls and then shoved it up the drunken USSR’s ass that we truly solidified our place in history. On the eve of the anniversary of first moon landing the astronauts from the Apollo 11 mission want the US to embark on a new mission - have man set foot on Mars in what could be the biggest goal of our generation, and I couldn’t agree more with them.

Dear USSR, F-ck You
Sincerely, USA

Now given the current state of the economy and world affairs you may be saying “SbC, this is a terrible idea...” but you would be terribly wrong because it could be a economic stimulus package that lifts several industries out of their slide and a diplomatic and political home-run (Pres. Obama pay attention now, even though I know you won’t read this, not because you don’t have the time but because you’re a White Sox fan...)

What we should do is create incentives for private companies to develop the technology necessary to get us to Mars. We could get congress to pass incentives for private industry that offers tax breaks, which would outsource the research, planning and design which would then leave NASA to pick the best and most cost effective. The Government could then use the money from the scrapped F-22 Raptor program (Obama shut down the "Dream Factory") to fund NASA and build it with the winners plans and parts. This would create jobs in both private and the public sectors, bolstering the technology, information technology, education and investment sectors of the economy, maybe even housing in localized areas.

Just imagine if you could sell the idea of a mission to Mars to a state like California which already has a ton of people that are smart enough (hell, even Steve Jobs could turn a profit off the iRocket, although it would just be operated by a single button and wheel) and enough debt to make Zimbabwean loaf of bread look expensive.

iRocket v1.1 - A New Apple Product Better than the iPhone

And you may be asking how it is a political imperative: China. When we first went to the moon it was to battle the Soviets into space (and maybe show that our nukes weren’t to be messed with) so why not do it again since we have a new enemy. They are already starting to develop their programs. Do you really want China to get to Mars before we do? I didn’t think so...

With China’s industrial might they be successful after a few tries (dying for Mao is a great honor) and will then mass produce cheap carbon copies of their rockets and sell them to the Chinese population so that they can colonize and turn the Red Planet into the Peoples Red Republic of China. Then they will undergo a massive public works project to carve Mao’s face into the planet, which is exactly what the future clients of my space tourism business will not want to see. They could also harness the alien race and turn them all against us, and Will Smith won’t be able to help us (Tommy Lee Jones maybe...)

Do you want your kids looking at this in telescopes?

So in closing I think building a new rocket to Mars isn’t only necessary, it needs to be done soon. I refuse to lose. Lets build a rocket that show how big our man hood here in 'Merica really is.

'Merica, F-ck Yeah

TwitterLog: Day Three

As Day Three of my week long immersion into the fiery depths of Twitter marks the halfway point of my week long experiment (In the contract that the Interns Union signed with TMS via collective bargaining we are forced to take the weekend off... if we don't we are stoned to death, or Wolter will punch us in the face...)

The "Like OMG I can use the series of tubes and clog up the Internets!" Tweet: @MileyCyrus: http://twitpic.com/8y2vf - Rocking out to "BAD" in my bathroom. MJ is my hero!

Miley: I'm sorry to say this but this is in no way original. If you were to take a poll of people this past week who listened to the song "Bad" you would probably have the discovered that it was quite popular, I mean hell even I'm sure you know how to use iTunes. P.S. Until today every song for the past four days on the iTunes Top Ten has been a Michael Jackson song.

Americas Daily Asshat Tweet: @DaneCook: Just stubbed my toe. Smashed it. Hard. I really want to hunt down & destroy all known sofas on this planet so no one else suffers this fate.

Wow Dane you are just so F#CKING HILAROUS. I bet you couldn't come up with another joke, just like that one, but different. Bet you couldn't. Wait? You mean thats all you do? Well lets pay this guy millions of dollars to tell the same joke... over and over and over and over and over...

Oh You Tweet Eh?: @WilliamShatner: Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian fans and friends. My best, Bill

I wonder if he uses Scotty or Priceline to get to Canada? I'll drink a LaBatt for Canada Day.


ShaqTweet: @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Wit love like all the twitterers show me, I don't want no enemys Love you all

Shaq: You're da man too.

Best Tweet (And Marketing Ploy) of the Day: @HyundaiNews: Hyundai's "1.49 Fill Fuel Up" in LA: Hollywood 76, 5890 Hollywood Blvd. (SE corner of Hollywood & Bronson). 1.49 gas 12-2!

Hyundai used Twitter to its full advantage and caused a scene like an Amish Bank Run outside of three gas stations around the US. Cars were lined up outside to get the cheap gas as a part of the larger marketing ploy that CNBC covered today where Hyundai will give you $1.49 gas for a year. While CNBC said that the average annual savings would be just over $500 at currently expected price levels, it could increase the market share of Hyundai in the US if it proves to be successful. Well I know one thing is for sure: It will have to work better than the Kentucky Fried Chicken campaign to fill pothole in Louisville a few years ago.

Fun Fact: The Col. Sanders Impersonator here actually
used to be a bank robber! Seriously!

Worst Tweet of the Day: @DeadSpin: The Jay Mariotti Online Express Could Be Headed Back To Chicago http://deadspin.com/5304711 #mediameltdowns #jaymariotti

This is the worst not because I hate Deadspin but rather because I just hate Jay Mariotti that much, but I am not going to sink to his level.

TwitterLog: Day Two

Today I delved deeper into the infinite powder-blue and white madness that is Twitter. I discovered some Gems hidden beneath the surface, so lets delve in:

Tweet that made me want to drink my sorrows away: @ TilaTequila: Yea seriousy yall...there's more to life than being really, really good looking! Am I am really good looking! Ahahhahaa

Wow, I thought that I really liked Zoolander until the Playboy Model turned Reality TV Star turned Singer turned Playboy Model used a line from it and then inserted herself. Derek Zoolander is far to great of a man to be taken down to your level, Tila. By the simple fact that I mentioned her on TMS might bring her out of the D-List into the C-List... a risk I'm willing to take.

Dog Eat Tweet: @Casar Millan: A pack leader doesn’t project emotional or nervous energy, so neither should you.

Helpful advice, If I were a dog leading a pack of dogs.



ShaqTweet: @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Just shook the hand of the greatest artist since picasso Peter max is the best, I just left his art studio, we are doin a project togetha

Nice, I can't wait for the follow up to Shaq Diesel. Best Album of this or any century!

Best Tweet of the Day: @Deadspin: Police Called To Break Up High School Softball Game http://deadspin.com/5304735 #highschoolsoftball #softballteamsfight

Wow, a high school softball team brawl! Where can I buy tickets?

Worst (And Most Shameless) Tweet of the Day:

First some background. While covering celebrities is easy and fun, because you never know what in the world they might say. Yet just on day two I discovered that Tila Tequila is indeed quite possibly a very very sad person. She is now using Twitter for the proverbial "Booty Call" posting her phone number and asking for new "boos" to call her. After all of these it was then followed with this Gem:

@ TilaTequila: Ya'll be ready....I am up late working. I am currently writing an open letter to the PRESIDENT right now. U heard it 1st. Be ready!

Ha ha ha ha ha... you'll get back a "Thanks for writing to the White House..." letter and a photo of the President. What kind of shrewd argument will you be making to President Obama? I'm really interested to hear.

In a side note: Casar Millan is now following me. Looks like I'm the leader of the pack now.

TwitterLog: Day One, Into the Abyss

Armed with nothing but a semi-stable DSL connection and a large glass of sweet tea I attempted this day to digest the "Tweets" of the Internets most prolific posters, so into madness we descend.

Oldest Tweet: @LarryKing: Conan just did a bit on me as a "Transformer" -- I love all those late night guys!

Lamest Tweet: @AshtonKutcher: on donner on blitzen http://bit.ly/236c9F

Ashton: Give up on being cool. This image has been on the internet for a long time now. It would be like me Twittering a photo of an LOLCat, they're funny and cute but should be reserved for 13 and 14 year old girls. Sorry.

WTF Tweet:

1: @ParisHilton: http://twitpic.com/8rqcr - Camels are so Cute!
2: @ParisHilton: http://twitpic.com/8rpjy - BFF'S ;) Dolphins rock! So sweet and intelligent
3: @ParisHilton: http://twitpic.com/8rp9e - Dancing with a Dolphin ;)

Swimming with Dolphins, Riding Camels: Sounds like an average day for Paris. Ohh and P.S. Camels are cute, until they spit on you.


ShaqTweet:

1: @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Kevin harts momma so old She watches the History Channel to see if she’s on it. Uh oh Send me your best momma joke I'm waitn lil kevin

2: @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Kevin harts Mama is so ugly Her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. Shaq Bring kevin u wimp, lil wimp lol

Thank God there is some sanity on here, I mean momma jokes are better than nothing. Shaq keep on keepin' it on with the Momma jokes.

Best Tweet of the Day:

@SarahSilverman: Here's a fun tidbit: It actually takes more muscles to make your asshole frown than to make it smile.

Clever, witty play on an old turn of phrase. Well done.

Worst Tweet of the Day:

@MileyCyrus: reading "identical" by Ellen Hopkins. It is deff. in my top 3 favorite books of all time! :) so disturbing but beautifully written.

I describe a distrubing book with smiley faces too. Also there are many better books out there that you obviously haven't seen nor heard of. Please for your sake get a library card, or just buy a bookstore, your choice.

Twitter: The Internets Evil Plan To Destroy The World

Twitter may have started as a small innocent way for internet dorks and their friends to communicate via 140 character instant update feeds, but now it has turned into an evil menace intent on raping and destroying the world. It gives everyone the ability (but not license) to be expert on any topic and feeds into the notion that most people actually care what you think about.

This has not become truer for people that follow celebrities. TV shows make fodder out of what Paris Hilton thinks about the newest purse sitting in that hot little trendy boutique. Frankly, I don't care what she thinks, but I'm sure some prosti-tot thirteen year old does.

Twitter: That's Hot

To make it even better there are a host of people that pretend to be famous by living the secret lives of faux-celebrities, pretending to like the same things and say the same things in what really amounts to a (pathetic) attempt to gain "followers" or people that actually care about what you think. So when you follow a "Tweeter" you may actually be following your smelly aunt who has an abundance of cats and has been lonely her whole life, or even this guy:

1337 h4x0rs 4 7wi773r : i iz p@riz hi1t0n

My utter hatred of Twitter has prompted me to follow the worst and best “Tweeters” for a week, reporting back to TMS from the field. This actually might be the equivalent to sending a reporter to a war zone (or just the worthless intern to the coffee machine protected by bears... rumor has it we're expendable) To prepare I've been training reading status updates on almost as evil Facebook and for the experiment I will be taking food, water, clothes and a gun (nothing too fancy, just a simple .50 caliber machine gun) which I intend to sleep with. I’m preparing for the worst and might come back with PTSD.

Starting Monday I will be posting short "mini-posts" to chronicle the efforts of the Internets finest to actually make people care about what they think.

Surrounded By Communists to Twitter: Bring it...