Showing posts with label Baseball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baseball. Show all posts

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Minnesota Twins

March 09, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Twins
Keeping it trim fellas!

2015 Finish: 83-79 (2nd Place in AL Central)

So Long: Neal Cotts, Brian Duensing, Torii Hunter, Mike Pelfrey, Aaron Hicks

Welcome: John Ryan Murphy, Ryan Sweeney, Carlos Quentin

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Byron Buxton, CF
2. Brian Dozier, 2B
3. Joe Mauer, 1B
4. Miguel Sano, LF
5. Trevor Plouffe, 3B
6. Byung-Ho Park, DH
7. Eddie Rosario, RF
8. Kurt Suzuki, C
9. Eduardo Escobar, SS

Starting Rotation: Phil Hughes, Ervin Santana, Kyle Gibson, Ricky Nolasco, Tyler Duffey
Setup: Kevin Jepsen, Michael Tonkin
Closer: Glen Perkins

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"If you're tired of the masturbator/Come on over 2 my neighborhood/We can jump in the sack and I'll jack U off"

   -Prince, Jack U Off

If it hasn't become obvious yet, I'm terrible at finding rap lyrics for this shit. Prince is from Minnesota and his filthy ass lyrics always seem like a fun juxtaposition to the overall wholesome nature of the state. So there you go.

The Twins really had no business finishing the AL Central in second place last year. Yet there they were, actually vying for a Wild Card spot late in the season. Gone is Torii Hunter who seemed to be a pretty big leader in the clubhouse last year. We'll see if his absence will have a big impact on the young players or not. Joe Mauer is still around though and largely forgotten about in the other 49 states. Two of their longtime hot prospects Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano should start the season with the club and look to make big strides in the majors.

The pitching staff is about as bland as you get. From Phil Hughes to Kyle Gibson to other non-descript caucasian I can't remember. None of them are big time strikeout artists. I'm not saying you need to have a team full of Kershaws to win but it helps to have ANYONE that could maybe post a K/9 north of 6. But man it'll be something to watch these guys pitch to contact huh?


Reason To Watch: Miguel Sano's bat. This kid has legit power and if he can settle in at the major league level he will be a real treat to watch on offense.

Reason To Drink: Miguel Sano's glove. From what I've gathered, Sano has bricks for hands apparently. While DH is always an option I'm sure the Twins would like to have a little more positional flexibility on their hands here. With big Korean import Byung Ho Park on board as well, Molitor will have to do a bit of lineup juggling to get Sano's bat in there without causing a massive defensive liability.

The Fans: I don't know. They're probably pretty good people and come April most of the ice has melted up there so they won't be ice fishing. You know what I like about you Minnesotans though? Grain Belt beer. That's some good stuff.

Their Worst Contract: Joe Mauer. Well, this is by default as he's the only player on the team with an actual contract. The rest of the roster are unpaid interns or have been funded through Kickstarter or other crowdsourcing ventures.

Fantasy Standout: Prince. He can play like 25 instruments!
I only read Hustler for the Bukowski pieces...
Fantasy Bust: Any Twins pitcher. Just stay away. None of them are gonna win a lot of games and they strike out no one. Also you can't tell them apart except for Ervin Santana. Is that racist? That kind of sounds racist.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Kenny Loggins. Completely non-offensive and there's at least one song of his you probably like. Like the Twins, can anyone really HATE Kenny Loggins?

Keep that fire going Kenny. You fucking keep it going!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Baltimore Orioles

March 08, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Baltimore Orioles


2015 Finish: 81-81 (3rd Place in AL Central)

So Long: Chris Parmelee, Wei-Yin Chen, Gerardo Parra, Steve Pearce,

Welcome: Mark Trumbo, Joey Terdoslavich, Yovani Gallardo, Dexter Fowler

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Dexter Fowler Hyun Soo Kim, LF
2. Manny Machado, 3B
3. Chris Davis, 1B
4. Adam Jones, CF
5. Mark Trumbo, DH
6. Matt Wieters, C
7. Jonathan Schoop, 2B
8. JJ Hardly, SS
9. Henry Urrutia, RF

Starting Rotation: Yovani Gallardo, Ubaldo Jiminez, Chris Tillman (hurt), Miguel Gonzalez, Kevin Gausman, Dylan Bundy (hurt), Vance Worley
Setup: TJ McFarland, Darren O'Day
Closer: Zach Britton

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:

"Not good enough for her man but good enough for access
Too good for the racks, not good enough for the actress"

    - Big Sean, Not Good Enough

Going into 2015, you can't be mad at the Orioles for thinking they were good enough as-is to make a second straight playoff run. After all, they were just coming off a 2014 season in which they won the AL East and made the playoffs for just the second time since 1997. They didn't make any huge moves in the 2014/2015 offseason, hoping that the departing Nelson Cruz would be made up for by a rebound from Chris Davis.

And then reality set in and the team stumbled to a 81-81 finish. Despite getting MVP type numbers from Davis and Manny Machado, the O's combined the 9th best offense in the majors with the 18th worst pitching staff and just sort of treaded water, not good enough to make a real playoff push like Toronto, and not bad enough to blow the entire thing up and start over.

So what does 2016 bring us? I would say more of the same. Despite getting turned down by Dexter Fowler for a team with a better chance of winning the World Series, the Orioles still have what looks on paper to be a top 10 offense, resigning Chris Davis to go along with Machado and Matt Wieters. And Adam Jones is still around to carry the 'Hey, I'm still around and I'm not as good as I was but I'm still decent' torch dropped by Nick Markakis when he left after 2014.

Sadly, the pitching is again going to be tough to watch. Sure, the team signed Yovanni Gallardo, but that just pushes Ubaldo Jiminez from being your #1 starter to being your #2 starter. That's like having to barf when you already have to take a shit - one is now only your second worst problem, but it's still just as big of a problem. Oh, and it turns out having a Gallardo/Ubaldo-led rotation isn't good because this isn't 2010. Kevin Gausman seems to have lost his confidence after being yanked between the rotation and bullpen for the last 3 seasons. Dylan Bundy is never healthy. If the Orioles can hold a lead into the 8th inning where they can turn it over to O'Day and Britton to slam the door shut, things will work out. Unfortunately, Orioles hitters won't be able to bat against their own pitchers.

Reason To Watch: Manny Machado is better than your 3rd baseman. I don't care what team you root for, he's just plain better. In 2015 his bat made huge strides to catch up with his glove and the result is Machado not just becoming one of the best 3B in the league, but one of the best players in baseball, regardless of position. Machado won his second Gold Glove in 4 seasons and finished 4th in MVP voting. It seems like the only thing that can stop this guy is the health of his knees.

Reason To Drink: I know I already got my shots in on Gallardo and Ubaldo, but holy crap are they going to be the worst 1/2 punch in the league. Their division mates can roll out guys like Tanaka and Pineda and Price and Stroman and Archer and Odorizzi when they have a must-win game. Gallardo's ERA last year was 3.42, but his FIP and xFIP show that he got SUPER lucky and should have had an ERA in the mid-4.00 range. And he's also moving to a division where he has to face the Red Sox/Yankees/Blue Jays for 80% of his divisional matchups and is working with diminished velocity. Ubaldo's ERA over the last 2 seasons is somewhere in the 4.40 range.

HURR THERE GOES MY ERA
The Fans: I don't know that I've met more than a handful of Orioles fans. I also never hear anything bad about them in the press, so they have to be pretty good, right? Ed Norton and Larry King are O's fans. That's perfectly adequate.

Their Worst Contract: I mean, Ubaldo Jiminez makes $13 million, but at least he can go out there and record a few strikeouts when he's not walking the bases full, right? Meanwhile JJ Hardly (get it?) is making $12.5 million to be just as bad with his bat as he is decent with his glove. I mean exactly. Hardly's defense cancels out his offense so well that last year he had a 0.0 WAR. That means the Orioles are paying $12 million to a SS that produces exactly on the same level as any SS off the street. That's like paying for a steak and lobster tail at a high end Tampa restaurant and getting canned cochinita pibil.

Fantasy Standout: Dexter Fowler. Guy can do a little bit of everything: take a walk and produce an OBP around .350, hit about 12-15 homers and steal about 12-15 bases. And by waiting until the end of free agency, the Orioles were able to....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I couldn't make it through that section. The truth is that Dexter Fowler would have been a great leadoff hitter and addition to this lineup, but because the Orioles dicked around and basically waited to be the only team available, Fowler had time to listen to his heart and come back to the Cubs for less money than the O's offered. Womp womp.

Fantasy Bust: I dunno. The guys that are worth rostering (Jones, Davis, Britton) have pretty good track records of performance the last few years and will most likely perform like you expect them to. I guess maybe don't get suckered into the "yeah, but how good of a cheap power source is Mark Trumbo toward the end of the draft blah blah blah" talk. Trumbo is trash. If you want a cheap 25 homers that won't cost you anything, at least go with Chris Carter in the last round.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: House of Cards coming back on Netflix for its newest season. You get yourself all hyped up for the return but then when you see it in action, all the same things that pissed you off last year are still there pissing you off and you wonder why you even bothered again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Tampa Bay Devil Rays

March 07, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Governor X

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays...yeah I know they dropped the devil years ago, but what are you gonna do about it?

Did your white trash great aunt in Clearwater die? Give her the gift of eternity.

2015 Finish: 80-82 (4th place in the AL East)

So Long: Boog Powell, Nate Karns, J.P. Arencibia, Daniel Nava, Jake McGee, Asdrubal Cabrera, John Jaso, Grady Sizemore

Welcome: Brad Miller, Logan Morrison, Hank Conger, Steve Pearce, Corey Dickerson

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Corey Dickerson OF
2. Steven Souza OF
3. Evan Longoria 3B
4. Logan Morrison DH
5. Logan Forsythe 2B
6. James Loney 1B
7. Kevin Kiermaier OF
8. Tim Beckham SS
9. Hank Conger C

Starting Rotation: Chris Archer, Jake Odorizzi, Drew Smyly, Erasmo Ramirez, Matt Moore
Setup: Enny Romero, Danny Farquhar, Alex Colome, Steve Geltz, Xavier Cedeno
Closer: Brad Boxberger

Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season or Something: 
"Louboutin shoes, she got too much pride/Her feet are killing her. I call it shoe-icide."
 - Fabulous, You Be Killin Em

Let's be honest, you don't care about this team. I know it, you know it, the American people know it. Instead I have a cautionary tale about canned cochinita pibil (aka puerco pibil). I saw it at the Food4Less (which is the type of discount grocery chain you can find in Tampa) and couldn't help but grab a can. What magic awaits inside?!?!?!

Christ. I no longer fear death. I opened the can and a powerful stink like metallic dog food swept over the kitchen. I immediately regretted my decision, but cheered on by the TMS crew, I pressed on. I scooped it out and heated it up in the pan, the stink filling the house as it cooked. Finally it was ready and I dumped it on a plate.

The serving size on the nutrition label was 1/4 cup, which seems absurd for heavily seasoned shredded pork. One pound sounds more like it. In this case, 1/4 cup was accurate. That's all I could choke down. Imagine if you filled a pot with shredded credit card statements, doused it in as much salt as possible, and warmed it up. There is nothing quite like a lunch that proves there is no god and reminds you that we all die alone. Go Rays!

Like looking into the cold nothingness of a black hole

Reason To Watch: The internets tell me Tampa has "too much" pitching. Well there you go. There is also a reasonable chance your Google search for Evan Longoria will bring up pictures of Eva Longoria.

Reason To Drink: You live in Tampa. Also that problem of too much pitching? Well guess what, I have seen at least three of your starters come up in trade rumors. Hope you like minor leaguers as much as you seem to like strip malls, trailer parks, and oppressive humidity.

The Fans: Approximately 55% illiterate swampbillies, 30% Walmart clerks, 14% strippers, 1% all of the above.

Their Worst Contract: Most of the roster is a bargain, so the obvious choice is their lease at Tropicana Field which will keep them playing in that IKEA warehouse for another decade or so. Matt Moore is pretty terrible too I guess.

Fantasy Standout: Chris Archer? Sure. Why not. He has solid numbers which are likely to improve once he's traded to a real team.

Fantasy Bust: James Loney and/or Evan Longoria, but you really don't expect much out of them anymore do you? I certainly don't.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Whatever TV show you forgot still exists. Bones is still on I think.

Thou art banished! Be gone from this place!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Milwaukee Brewers

March 03, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Shooter Muldoon

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current last week's Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today it's time to tailgate outside general indifference with the Milwaukee Brewers.



2015 Finish: 68-94 (4th in NL Central)

So Long
Kyle Lohse, Francisco Rodriguez, Adam Lind, Khris Davis, Jean Segura, Whole Bunch of Nobodies

Welcome
Chris Carter, Chris Capuano, Eric Young, Will Middlebrooks, Different Bunch of Nobodies (and Kirk Neiuwenhuis)

Projected Lineup (via rotochamp.com)
Scooter Gennett 2B
Jonathan Lucroy C
Ryan Braun RF (injured)
Chris Carter 1B
Aaron Hill 3B
Domingo Santana LF
Jonathan Villar SS
Shane Peterson CF (this is a weird projection)

Starting Rotation
Matt Garza
Wily Peralta
Jimmy Nelson
Taylor Jungmann
Zach Davies

Setup
Jeremy Jeffress

Closer
Will Smith



Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season

"Is being cool that cool? Is being a tool that much of a tool?"
- Chance the Rapper, "Wanna Be Cool"

The 2015 NL Central was a historically great division, with the Cubs, Pirates, and Trash Birds all sniffing around the 100-win mark. And they all got there by spending a good chunk of the season cleat-stepping on the asthmatic fat kids in Milwaukee and Cincy. In what resembled the world's saddest game of junior high dodgeball, the Brewers went a combined 11-28 against the Cubs and Cards. Luckily, no one in Wisconsin was paying attention.

Look, this team sucks, and it's going to suck for some time. It's a tiny, disinterested market where Marquette Basketball is far and away more popular. They're overshadowed even by the Twins and the White Sox, which is a hell of a trick to pull. They lost a bunch of semi-useful guys, and they brought in a bumper crop of slightly-less-useful guys. Theoretically the minor leagues are better, but we won't have reason to care about that for a couple of years at least. Instead, let's talk about what annoys me about the Brewers:

- They got ONE (1) playoff season out of the Gallardo/Fielder/Braun prime years. Yet their fat mouth-breathing fans got a dynasty's worth of shitty, obnoxious behavior from it. Just fat guy after fat guy showing up at Wrigley in Braun jerseys with the tags still attached, yapping about how overrated the Cubs were. They wore Badgers hats but went to UW-Whitewater. They professed love of MMA but had visible man boobs. You could profile them sure as a face-wearing serial killer, and they all deserved the same punishment.

- I hold an unreasonable amount of animus toward Ben Sheets to this day. After I write this, I'm gonna go egg the Dairy Queen he manages in New Berlin.

- They abandoned County Stadium, which perfectly represented the franchise (shitty, old, somewhat charming in its irrelevance) and built a brand-new retractable roof stadium with all the charm of a male fertility clinic. Even with the roof open, you feel like you're stuck in Schaumburg watching a mall demonstration of baseball.

- As part of that move, Bernie Brewer could no longer slide into a stein of beer after home runs. That was a perfect representation of the region - vaguely Bavarian good times. But god forbid we acknowledge what brewing is, or have to talk to our kids about beer. Now Bernie and his rictus smile joylessly descend a cheap slide that goes nowhere, like a kid whose mother drank too much mouthwash during pregnancy. And what's more, I'm just now realizing that this is a much better representation of metro Milwaukee. Carry on.

- There are two ways to park at the stadium. And you'll be driving, because a) Milwaukee is an oasis of decaying nightmares and b) the park's in the middle of nowhere anyhow. The cheap parking option puts you on gravel lots a short walk away from the stadium over a bridge. Traffic's a nightmare going out. The VIP option puts you on asphalt right next to the park, and you're basically in and out, no matter when you leave the game. The price differential the last time I was there was $4. That is the line between the haves and the have-nots among Brewers fans. If you really want a pleasant tailgate experience and easy exit, I say go ahead and pull some overtime at the sweatpants factory. You'll thank me later.

- Imagine how fat and gross you have to be for Chicago fans to call you fat and gross. Yet here we are.

- We make better sausages in Chicago. Fight me.

Reason to Watch: This is basically a triple-A team with Ryan Braun along for the ride. If you're watching this, then congrats on selling the most pre-owned vehicles at Waukesha County Hyundai during the month of June. You really need to talk to your sales manager about the terrible incentive program he's running.

Reason to Drink: You're in Wisconsin - a gorgeous state filled with amazing scenery, fantastic craft beer, and delicious food. You could be anywhere, doing anything, and you're stuck chasing a foodservice-grade bratwurst with sips of lukewarm Miller Lite from a plastic cup. Might as well get full-hog drunk and see if you can call one of the city's six Ubers to take you home.




The Fans: You know that guy/gal from your hometown who is weirdly, obnoxiously prideful of their "accomplishments"? Fill the stands with them. Then bomb the stands.

"Oh, you're in your last year of residency at Harvard? Boston's a ripoff man. No big deal or anything, but I'm about to be promoted to assistant manager at a little Fortune 500 company called JIFFY LUBE."

(cranks Drowning Pool album)

(dies slowly each day)

Too many Brewers fans would be intolerable. But our good friend entropy keeps their numbers pretty low.


Their Worst Contract: Ryan Braun is going to cost $7 million more this year than his 3.8 WAR season last year. That's eating half of a sandwich you don't like that much, then deciding to finish it anyway, except the other half is filled with BEES.

Fantasy Standout: I bet you can get your mitts on Braun for pretty cheap. It's like riding a bike with a slow leak in the tire. How far can it take me? Will the value outlast the risk? Why does everyone keep telling me they want to punch my bike in the face?


Fantasy Bust: Domingo Santana has some theoretical potential, and should see some decent at-bats with Khris Davis gone. On the other hand, he has to show up and play every day in front of people who buy their groceries at K-Mart and have Bob Uecker as their greatest living legend.

Uecker is still alive, right?

The Pop Culture Equivalent to This Team Is: A "Very Special Episode" of Roseanne. It's lower-middle class, there's not much hope on the horizon, and it's too close to home for comfort. Let's see what's on Netflix instead.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Cincinnati Reds

March 02, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the trash fire that is the Cincinnati Reds.
Some shit you can't unsee.
2015 Finish: 64-98 (Last Place in NL Central)

So Long: Sean Marshall, Skip Schumaker, Brennan Boesch, Todd Frazier, Aroldis Chapman

Welcome: Jose Peraza, Scott Schebler, crippling depression

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Zack Cozart SS
2. Joey Votto, 1B
3. Brandon Phillips 2B
4. Devin Mesoraco C
5. Jay Bruce RF
6. Eugenio Suarez 3B
7. Scott Schebler LF
8. Billy Hamilton CF

Starting Rotation: Anthony DeSclafani, Raisel Iglesias, Michael Lorenzen, Brandon Finnegan, Homer Bailey (Injured, back in May)
Setup: Jumbo Diaz
Closer: J.J. Hoover

I hate the god damn Reds. I take great joy in seeing them be miserable. So imagine my glee last season when they finished dead last in the NL Central. Even the fucking Brewers were better than them, but that's another story for tomorrow. 64-98 marked their worst finish since 1982. When the highlight of your season is Todd Frazier at the Home Run Derby you know there's a problem.

So now what? Only one way to go but up right? Well...

If 2015 wound up being disaster, strap in for 2016 because it's gonna be worse. The Reds lost 4 of their top 6 WAR guys from last season and the only main players they brought in are rookies and prospects. Todd Frazier is gone, as is Cueto and Leake who were traded last season. So now you have Eugenio Suarez at 3B and a rotation led by Anthony DeSclafani and Raisel Iglesias, who both do have some promise, but are far from polished yet. Good news though, you couldn't trade Brandon Phillips! I'm sure Walt Jocketty has a rebuilding plan in place. Like the Cubs a couple seasons ago, it's just going to be atrocious to watch for a while, and I'm going to revel in it.

The Reds 2015 Season in Brief.
Reason To Watch: None. I can't think of a single reason to watch this bullshit. The only good player they have is Big Canadian Asshole Joey Votto and fans can't even appreciate him properly. "HE'S GOTTA STOP WALKING AND HIT MORE!" Fuck you. The man is an on-base phenomenon that still hits for a .300+ average. Maybe worry more about your super fast outfielder getting on base so he can actually do what he's good at. You can't steal first Billy! Anyway my point is, Joey Votto is a piece of shit but good at baseball and you guys need to enjoy him while he's still there.



Reason To Drink: Well if you're a Cincy fan you're probably on crystal meth, but holy shit this bullpen. Now that Chokey McBangBang has been traded to the Yankees the closer job has been handed off to J.J. Hoover who is qualified simply because he's been there for a while. It's like the dude who's worked at Arby's for 6 years and just gets handed assistant manager simply because everyone else has been there for only 7 months. If he fails they could give the job to Jumbo Diaz who at least is better in the "interesting backstory" category. Dude was in the minors for 13 years before getting the call up in 2014. He's the Dominican Bobby Scales. So that's something, I guess.

The Fans: Buncha fucking CHUDs that eat chili on spaghetti. No one wants to hear about the Big Red Machine you asshole. I guess you can talk about the Nasty Boys though. They were cool. And Chris Sabo's goggles. Actually I'm kind of OK with the whole 1990 Reds minus Nazi sympathizer Marge Schott. Barry Larkin was legit too. So yeah, if you wanna talk about one very specific sliver of time regarding the Reds I'll listen. Otherwise fuck off.

Their Worst Contract: Joey Votto is signed on until the Rapture. He's getting $20 million this season, then he'll get $22 million in 2017. Then in 2018, the fifth year in a TEN YEAR CONTRACT, when he'll be 34 years old, Joey gets $25 million. And he gets $25 million the year after that, and the year after that, and they year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that. In 2024 he has a $20 million club option. He'll be 40 years old. After that he'll be encased in amber and put on display behind the right field stands. Pete Rose will be signing autographs for $20 at a card table next to it.

Fantasy Standout: Joey Votto. Without a doubt. If you play in an OBP league his value skyrockets. I hate the guy and I think he's a prick but that's not stopping me from putting him on my roster. If he can stay healthy he'll put up decent numbers, even if his surrounding cast is a massive garbage fart.

Fantasy Bust: Billy Hamilton. Look, I realize stolen bases are at a premium now more than ever. But is drafting him at the round or price he's going for really worth it? There's other guys that can steal plenty of bases for you that won't light your AVG on fire and may even help out in other categories. The dude had a .563 OPS last year and can't even be relied on in the leadoff spot. Pass.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 6 of "According to Jim". Why the fuck did you start watching this to begin with? Why are you STILL watching it? You're a terrible person and you should feel bad.
NO.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Oakland Athletics

March 01, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we pull back the tarp on the unused seats that are the Oakland A's.


2015 Finish: 68-94 (Last Place in AL West)

So Long: Edward Mujica, Barry Zito, Jesse Chavez, A.J. Griffin, Craig Gentry, Ike Davis, Drew Pomeranz, Brett Lawrie, Aaron Brooks

Welcome: Rich Hill, Liam Hendriks, Jed Lowrie (again), Yonder Alonso, Marc Rzepczynski, John Axford, Ryan Madson, Henderson Alvarez, Khris Davis, Chris Coghlan

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Billy Burns CF
2. Jed Lowrie 2B
3. Billy Butler DH
4. Josh Reddick RF
5. Khris Davis LF
6. Danny Valencia 3B
7. Stephen Vogt C
8. Mark Canha 1B
9. Marcus Semien SS

Starting Rotation: Sonny Gray, Jesse Hahn (Injured), Rich Hill, Kendall Graveman, Henderson Alvarez (Injured), Chris Bassitt, Jarrod Parker (Injured)
Setup: Ryan Madson
Closer: Sean Doolittle

Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season:

"I got furniture to move/And we'll both be 30 soon/In Oakland, in Oakland"
     - Childish Gambino, Telegraph Ave.

It's hard not to feel bad for Oakland fans sometimes. They're really doing the best they can with the payroll and facilities they have, but nothing ever seems to work out right. In the Moneyball days of the early 2000's, they had as impressive a young core as any team in the majors, with the three headed beast of Hudson/Mulder/Zito backed up by All-Stars and MVP candidates in Eric Chavez, Jason Giambi and Miguel Tejada. In 2001, they won over 100 games and were rewarded with a playoff series against the 3-time World Series champion Yankees, who eliminated Oakland from the playoffs. They won 100 games again in 2002 and were eliminated by the upstart Minnesota Twins. In 2004, they blew a 2-0 lead in a best of 5 series against the eventual World Series champion Red Sox.

Every year, the A's would lose their best players and every year, they would remain competitive under the shrewd moves of GM Billy Beane. In the 16 seasons since 2000, the A's have finished either first or second place in the AL West 11 times and have nothing to show for it. No World Series wins. No World Series appearances. One ALCS appearance (a 4-0 sweep at the hands of the Detroit Tigers).


So where do we find the A's in 2016? In the same place they always are - stuck in limbo between competing and rebuilding without committing to either. Maybe they like things in limbo. After all, it's full of unbaptized babies, right? Babies are cool. And it gives Billy Beane a chance to tap into a new pipeline of talent - amazing baseball players that were born before the coming of Jesus.

Billy Beane: "Can any of you heathens play center field?"
I look at the current A's lineup and I see nothing worth liking. Billy Burns looks like he could be the next Great A's Leadoff Hitter, picking up the torch that was held by the likes of Ray Durham and Coco Crisp and Johnny Damon. But then what? Josh Reddick seems to always have a busted wrist, Jed Lowrie hasn't had a healthy season since Chris Perez was relevant and Billy Butler is always a threat to roll a teammate into a tiny ball and eat him for lunch.

Billy Butler just now finished rounding the bases on a home run he hit in 2011.
And on top of the metaphorical shit sandwich that is the Oakland lineup, they also have to live in a literal shit sandwich because their stadium is so old and decrepit that it floods with poop 1-2 times a year. That's not an exaggeration. They continue to play in a toilet of a stadium that even the Raiders found a way to escape. The Raiders! You know who runs the Raiders? This guy:

"HURR I'M MARK DAVIS AND MY MOM CUTS MY HAIR"
Oakland was middle of the back in runs scored in 2015 and in the bottom third of the league in ERA. Expect more of the same this season.

One bright spot to call out is the truly out of nowhere emergence of Rich Hill last year, cashing in some late season success with the Red Sox into $6 million this season. Cubs fans may remember Hill from his awesome 2007 on the North Side. That was NINE seasons ago! And now he's back with his killer curveball. Hopefully he fares better with the A's than he did in his later seasons in Chicago because we all know what happens after Rich Hill goes away: He's replaced by Shawn Estes (gross).

Reason To Watch: Not all is dark and gloomy for the Athletics. They have one of the game's top young shortstops in Addison Russell. Or at least they would have if they didn't trade him for 2 months of this:


Thanks, Oakland!

Reason To Drink: They gave up a top 10 prospect for 2 months of this:


What looked like a curious move at the time seems downright laughable now. Maybe that's the next evolution of Moneyball: trade your best players before they even get to the majors!

The Fans: Do they have fans?

Their Worst Contract: Nothing truly terrible, but holy crap are there a lot of contracts that just seem awful when you look at them all at once. Bully Butler and Coco Crisp at $11 million each? $7.5 million for the corpse of Jed Lowrie? Let's hope Billy Beane and Assistant GM Virgil can hit paydirt before they get to the 3rd circle. Cerberus is a bitch to negotiate with.

Fantasy Standout: Sonny Gray is somehow a little bit better and a little bit worse than you remember at the same time. Sure, there are signs that Gray is a true ace in the making: he won 14 games for the second consecutive season, finished 3rd in the AL Cy Young race and posted a 2015 season ERA below 3.00...

Fantasy Bust: ...but his strikeout rate dipped for the 3rd straight season and his FIP the last 2 seasons (3.46/3.45) were significantly higher than his actual ERA (3.08/2.73) meaning he's had a lot of luck on his side. Some pitchers can maintain a track record of having a FIP higher than their ERA (Matt Cain did this for years), but it almost always catches up to you. Plus, again, Gray will have a home stadium clogged with turds for at least another few seasons. There's no luck in that.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Arrested Development season 4. On paper, everything looked like a great idea but holy shit was it just not worth doing. Does that mean I think the 2016 Oakland A's should just not bother playing this season? Yes it does. Would anyone notice?

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 San Diego Padres

February 29, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we throw things back to Cali (ugh) with the San Diego Padres!


2015 Finish: 74-88 (4th place in NL West)

So Long: Dale Thayer, Josh Johnson, Ian Kennedy, Nud Borris, Justin Upton, Cory Luebke, Joaquin Benoit, Craig Kimbrel, WIll Middlebrooks, Yonder Alonso, Jed Gyorko

Welcome: Josmil Pinto, Philip Humber, Drew Pomeranz, Jon Jay, Fernando Rodney

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Cory Spangenberg 2B
2. Derek Norris C
3. Wil Myers 1B
4. Matt Kemp LF
5. Yangervis Solarte 3B
6. Alexei Ramirez SS
7. Melvin Upton RF
8. Jon Jay CF

Starting Rotation: James Shields, Andrew Cashner, Tyson Ross, Robbie Erlin, Brandon Maurer, Colin Rae, Drew Pomeranz, Brandon Morrow (really??)
Setup: Jon Edwards
Closer: Fernando Rodney

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"Rumor has it, I steer the ship with my eyes closed"
    - Drake, 'Charged Up'

Holy crap, could the Padres use some new direction.

It seems like every year, there's at least one team that barely did better than expectations the season before and blindly goes all-in during the offseason trying to buy their way to a playoff berth. Remember when the Marlins signed Jose Reyes and Mark Buehrle before the 2012 season only to trade both of them just a few months later? Or the spending spree the Diamondbacks have gone on this offseason? That was the Padres prior to last season, beating out the Cubs to sign James Shields to a long term deal. But the Padres weren't done, trading not only for Craig Kimbrel to shore up the bullpen, but also Wil Myers, Justin Upton and Matt Kemp, hoping they would provide enough offense to snag at least a Wild Card spot.

That did not happen. While Kemp had one of his better seasons in recent memory, Myers hurt himself and Jed "Gyork Store" Gyorko proved that his rookie season was a complete fluke and the Padres fell apart. The only thing keeping them from finishing in the basement of their division was the grease fire that is the Colorado Rockies.

So the Padres pushed all their chips in and traded most of their future for Kimbrel/Upton/Myers/Kemp and it blew up in their faces. Where do they go from there? If you guessed 'sink further into the toilet', you win! Justin Upton left as a free agent, so that was a complete sunk cost. Trading Kimbrel brought back nothing of note in return. And Matt Kemp's awesome hamstrings are due for a blowout any day now. Seriously, look at that lineup. Spangenberg? Yangervis? Sorry, but I don't watch that show. And judging from the team they're putting on the field this year, neither will anyone in San Diego. Oh well...at least they still have the Chargers, right? Right?

Reason To Watch: Honestly, there are none. Kemp may be their best player, but his best days are way behind him. Wil Myers can't stay healthy. They have no 'ace' in the rotation (The closest thing is Tyson Ross and he's halfway out the door). Honestly, if you can name one legitimate reason to watch this team,...AJ Preller will probably trade half his roster for it and cover 30% of their remaining contracts.

Reason To Drink: Take your pick. There are about 10 things that immediately come to mind that could cause even casual Padres fans to drink straight gasoline before swallowing a match and going all Thích Quảng Đức on the Saigon World Tour. One of the worst is that after trading away most of their assets, the Padres still don't have a single prospect in the top 50 of Baseball America's rankings, and just 3 amongst the top 100. So not only are the Padres terrible now, but they're going to be bad until...always?

The Fans: As a San Diego resident for a few years, I can say that the Padres fans I met were all very passionate and knowledgeable and realistic about whatever their team's current state was. And there are about 32 of them total. I'm not kidding.

Their Worst Contract: Honestly, there's not a single awful contract on this team. Sure, James Shields and Matt Kemp both making $21 million each isn't great, but both can provide decent seasons, even at their current advanced ages. And having Justin Upton at only $15.4 million is a steal!

Wait...they're paying MELVIN Upton $15 million? The other Upton? The TERRIBLE Upton?

PICTURED: 2016 Padres fans. And the 2016 Padres season.
Fantasy Standout: Tyson Ross is good. On one hand, he has no idea where any of his pitches are going. On the other hand, he does it in the old Kerry Wood way where it leads to a ton of strikeouts. I have no idea how he throws as many sliders as he does without having his elbow go all Scanners. Hey, the Kerry Wood comparisons might not be finished!
Tyson Ross' elbow come June or so

Fantasy Bust: Some people are going to be targeting James Shields thinking he'll have a bounce-back from his sub-par 2015. Those people are going to be kicking themselves when he has the same inflated home run rate while striking out even less batters.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Shameless on Showtime. Sure, it's still going, but is anyone actually watching it? Either way, it's best times are in the past. Yeah, you can watch it, but don't expect to be able to talk about it with anyone at work because they aren't.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Miami Marlins

February 26, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Governor X

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Light up the gaudy flamingo because it's time for the Miami Marlins!

Subdued and tasteful...just like Miami.

2015 Finish: 71-91 (Third Place in NL East)

So Long: Reid Brignac, Donovan Solano, Casey McGehee, Henderson Alvarez

Welcome: Justin Maxwell, Dustan McGowan, Chris Johnson, Edwin Jackson, Wei-Yin Chen, Craig Breslow

Projected Lineup: (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Dee Gordon 2B
2. Christian Yelich LF
3. Giancarlo Stanton RF
4. Justin Bour 1B
5. Marcell Ozuna CF
6. Martin Prado 3B
7. J.T. Realmuto C
8. Adeiny Hechavarria SS

Starting Rotation: Jose Fernandez, Wei-Yin Chen, Tom Koehler, Jarred Cosart, Edwin Jackson
Setup: Clearly made up people like Brad Hand, Carter Capps, and Kyle Barraclough
Closer: A.J. Ramos

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"Jeffrey Loria wants all the glory-a, so he fired his manager and hired another...manager"
    - Drake, '305 Rhapsody'

Last season was a uniquely Marlins tire fire. Their two best players missed huge chunks of time due to injuries and their owner fired yet another manager midseason only to replace him with the GM who had never coached or managed baseball before. On the bright side Dee Gordon had a surprisingly fantastic year and Ichiro pitched. Nevertheless, the season ended pretty much how you would expect with a 71-91 record. Somehow there were two worse teams in the division, so hey, third place! That's almost respectable.

The Marlins looked at all of that and pretty much said, yeah, more of that will be fine. Their big offseason acquisitions were Wei-Yin Chen, Chris Johnson, and Edwin Jackson who I assume is working for tips at this point. They have another new manager in Don Mattingly (more on him below) and a new GM. Check that. They don't actually appear to have a GM. Classic Marlins!

2016 will likely be better only because Jose Fernandez and Giancarlo Stanton are back. On the other hand, Don Mattingly and Chris Johnson exist, so it looks like another sub-500 season for Miami. If anyone actually cared, they would be disappointed.

Reason To Watch: Giancarlo Stanton and Barry Bonds. What will happen when one of the best hitters in the game today pairs with possibly the best hitter of all time? A few possibilities:

(1) Nothing - Bonds gets bored by May and goes home. Stanton continues on his natural course.
(2) Bonds teaches him something - Can Barry actually coach him up? If Stanton can learn anything from Bonds, holy shit we're in for a treat.
(3) Bonds hooks him up with a "supplement" guy - This is my preferred scenario. I miss the steroid era and want to see Stanton hit 80 home runs. Make it happen.

Reason To Drink: Don Mattingly. Given that Loria made his GM with no coaching experience the interim manager last year, I shouldn't be surprised they hired Mattingly, but as a Dodger fan, I can only assume he's never seen Donny in action. Don is one of the worst tacticians in the game today. He was reportedly a "good clubhouse guy," but that's the managerial equivalent of calling someone "scrappy." It's a polite way of saying they suck. Mattingly was so bad with the Dodgers I tried to think of an equivalent of WAR for managers. WARM (Wins Above Replacement Manager) would have clearly shown how terrible he is. I gave up after a few minutes.

The Fans: The Marlins have exactly three fans: (1) Ira Liebowitz - Mr. Liebowitz moved to south Florida after retiring from a long career at a New York bank. He loves golf and his husky Goldie. (2) Eddie "Stink" Mulvane - Eddie runs a junk yard outside of Homestead and lives with his common law wife Maureen. Together they have 6 children. (3) Marco Rubio - A sweaty ne'er-do-well and son of Cuban immigrants, Marco spends most of his time interviewing for jobs way over his head.

Their Worst Contract: Don Mattingly. See above. Did he ever shave those sideburns? I hope so. He recently instituted a no facial hair policy for the Marlins. If anyone could get caught by his own facial hair policy, it's Don. Mattingly will be the 10th Marlins manager since Loria took over the team in 2002, so at least it'll all be over soon.

Fantasy Standout: Giancarlo Stanton. My "Stanton-on-roids" wet dream aside, this guy is still amazing. In 74 games last year, he lead the majors with 27 home runs and 67 RBI before his season ended due to injury. A healthy Stanton could easily jack 50+ home runs even without roids. Seriously though. Please do steroids.

Fantasy Bust: Dee Gordon. You don't think that's going to happen again do you?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Every Pitbull song ever. Haha, Mr. 305! That's Miami's area code gang.

Ira's dog Goldie - She likes Jarred Cosart and eating cat poop.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Colorado Rockies

February 25, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time for the Colorado Rockies!

HURR I'M WALT WEISS

Last Season: 68-94 (Dead Last Place in NL West)

So Long: Kyle Kendrick, Justin Morneau, John Axford, Rex Brothers, Wilin Rosario, Corey Dickerson, Christian Friedrich

Welcome: Jason Motte, Chad Qualls, Mark Reynolds, Gerardo Parra, Jake McGee

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
Charlie Blackmon CF
Jose Reyes SS
Carlos Gonzalez RF
Nolan Arenado 3B
Gerardo Parra LF
DJ LeMahieu 2B
Mark Reynolds 1B
Nick Hundley C

Starting Rotation: Jorge de la Rosa, David Hale, Chad Bettis, Chris Rusin, Jon Gray, Yohan Flande
Setup: Jason Motte, Jairo Diaz
Closer: Jake McGee

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season:
"Hey yo, where'd you get this place from, the Hellhole Store?"
    - Das Racist, 'Rainbow in the Dark'

Ahhh, Denver. Those fans don't know how lucky they truly are. If it wasn't for the legal marijuana and the Super Bowl Honeymoon Afterglow, they would have nothing to really distract them from how piss-poor the Rockies are. And they really do run the gamut of truly sucking both on and off the field. Yes they have what looks like a pretty good offense, but here's exactly what the Rockies are gonna do to the prime years of Nolan Arenado's career: surround him with juuuuust enough talent on offense to score 6 runs a game at home and fold that right in with a pitching staff that's a safe bet to give up 9. It's what they did for Tulo's prime. And Carlos Gonzalez's. And Todd Helton's. And Matt Holliday's. And Larry Walker's.

I will give their front office this: I sure as hell don't know what to do with this team either. They tried to out-bash the other team in the early Andres Gallaraga/Dante Bichette/Blake Street Bombers days and that didn't work. They tried to go pitching and defense in the Mike Hampton/Denny Neagle/Juan Pierre days and that also didn't work. Hell, the World Series run they went on 2007 (Rockies in 6!) came off the back of a fluke win in the Wild Card game to even reach the first round (Holliday was out so get over it, Denver).

That said, the front office is quickly moving up the speed dial of every other GM in the league. They trade Tulowitzki for Latin Chris Brown at SS after wasting all but one of his seasons in Denver. Then they fail to cash in on John Axford before he turned back into a mouthbreathing 4.20 ERA (ha ha 420 get it???) pitcher. Then they sign Gerrardo Parra to an already-full outfield, losing leverage in any/all trade talks because everyone knew the Rockies had to move someone. When they did move their one cheap and talented asset (Corey Dickerson), they got back...a closer? What kind of rebuilding team trades for a closer? Corey Dickerson doesn't even go to arbitration until 2017 and you trade him for a closer?

And Denver fans still have the 'Carlos Gonzalez For 2 AA Pitchers With Control Problems And A Used Treadmill' trade to look forward to this season!

Reason To Watch: There's only one acceptable reason: a hitter on your fantasy team is playing at Coors. That's it.

Reason To Drink: Not only did the Rockies give up Troy Tulowitzki for Jose Reyes and some Mad Dog 20/20, but now Jose Reyes goes all Josh Brolin with the domestic violence thing? Seriously, I cannot stress how awful this front office is.

The Fans: Come mid April? Something like this:



Their Worst Contract: They're paying Jose Reyes $22 million this season. They're paying Jorge De La Rosa $12.5 million this season. Christ, even Justin Morneau is making $750K and Justin Morneau is legally dead (#ctegone2soon).

Fantasy Standout: Nolan Arenado. Kid is legit and he actually got kind of unlucky on home run % last year (or I've had too much to drink already and it's the exact opposite but I know I read something at some point in a blog much better than ours there I said it don't you look at me like that whatever just go to the next one

Fantasy Bust: How have we gotten through three team previews before I realized that we're typing 'FANTASY BUST'? That sounds like a push up bra you would find in a gas station. And not a nice gas station. Like a gas station for dogs who are poor. Don't ask me why the dogs stick to cars that still burn oil and refuse to go electric, thus continuing demand for locally dog-owned gas stations to exist. It's probably why they're poor.

The Human Behavior Oddity Equivalent To This Team Is: That touristy thing to do in your area that everyone from out of town wants to do but because you live so close to it you actually never get around to it because you take for granted that it's there for you to do any time. Maybe 2 times over an entire summer you think "Oh yeah, that's still a thing, huh?" and then completely forget about it all over again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Atlanta Braves

February 23, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time for the Atlanta Braves!



2015 Finish: 67-95 (Fourth Place in NL East)

So Long: Ross Detwiler, Edwin Jackson, Andrelton Simmons, Sugar Ray Marimon, Cameron Maybin, Pedro Ciriaco, Mike Minor, Shelby Miller, Christian Bethancourt, Joey Terdoslavich

Welcome: Reid Brignac, Erick Aybar, Nud Borris, Jim Johnson (again), Gordon Beckham, Jose Ramirez, Emilio Bonifacio, Dansby Swanson, Ender Inciarte, Tyler Flowers, Jhoulys Chacin, Kyle Kendrick, Alexi Ogando, Kelly Johnson, Jeff Francoeur,

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ender Inciarte LF
2. Erick Aybar SS
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Freddie Freeman 1B
5. Adonis Garcia 3B
6. Jace Peterson 2B
7. Michael Bourn CF
8. Tyler Flowers C

Starting Rotation: Julio Teheran, Mike Foltynewicz (Injured), Manny Banuelos (Injured), Matt Wisler, Nud Borris
Setup: Jim Johnson
Closer: Arodys Vizcaino, Jason Grilli

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"FUCK YOU!"
    - Cee Lo Green, 'Fuck You'

Long an envied franchise in the majors, things have become a bit bleak in Atlanta these days. At 350-1 "favorites" to win the World Series, these ain't your dad's Braves! Wait. Actually they might be. See, your dad probably remembers the Superstation TBS days when if they weren't airing Sanford & Son reruns or Clash of the Titans, they broadcast Braves baseball. And from 1985 to 1990 that was some shiiiiiiiitty baseball.

The Braves are in a rebuild right now. Getting ready for a new stadium (About time! Turner Field is 2 decades old!), the team is gearing up for another run in a couple years. So until then, fans will get to sit by and watch their team get trounced in 2016. At least that race to the bottom of the NL East with Philadelphia will be fun to watch, right? OK, maybe not.

Reason To Watch: Freddie Freeman (1B) If there's one dude that's still underrated it's him. He's been in the majors for a while now but is only 26 years old. He had a down season last year due to injury but has always had a solid OBP and can hit for power. He should bounce back this season and with a contract that locks him in until 2022, he's a critical piece to the eventual renaissance in Atlanta.

Reason To Drink: Break out the moonshine because it's gonna be a long season. While there's going to be plenty of things to drink about, that bullpen may be the top one. Arodys Vizcaino could very well settle in as closer just fine, but I'll bet you Jim Johnson doesn't finish out the year in this pen, or even the team for that matter. Jason Grilli is another aging question mark as well. The good news is they might not have too many leads to preserve anyway, so...yay?

The Fans: I was gonna go all shitty stereotypical about Southern people here, but then I read this piece about the new stadium and lack of reasonable access to get there and I just felt bad. So on top of your team being shitty you could also die crossing a highway just to get there? Jesus, take the wheel.

Proposed highway signage outside SunTrust Park

Their Worst Contract: Michael Bourn and Nick Swisher. Last season the Braves traded Chris Johnson to the Indians for Bourn and Swisher and cash. While Cleveland is paying for $10 million toward their 2016 salaries this season, the Braves are still on the hook for another $19 million between the two of them. Would they be better off with Chris Johnson then?  Probably not. Cleveland released him outright and will still owe him like $15 million to play baseball for another team over the next couple seasons. Both Bourn and Swisher have vesting options in 2017 but each needs to reach 550 plate appearances to get there. I have little faith either could reach that goal this season. Hell, is Nick Swisher even alive any more? Also can I just say fuck Chris Johnson? He'll get his TMS Most Wanted feature soon enough.

Fantasy Standout: Freddie Freeman. The down 2015 makes him a bit of a value pick at 1B, and if your league plays OBP instead of AVG, even better.

Fantasy Bust: No one. To say "Bust" would be to assume they were gonna be good in the first place, which they're not. Most of these guys range from shitty to cromulent to cromulently shitty.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Seeing a popular 80s band now. Yeah everything sort of looks and sounds familiar, but it's just not the same and overall pretty depressing. Do you guys like the Doobie Brothers? Because the Braves got one of them!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Philadelphia Phillies

February 22, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

First up, the Philadelphia Phillies!


2015 Finish: 63-99 (Last Place in NL East)

So Long: Domonic Brown, Chad Billingsley, Jeff Francoeur, Aaron Harang, Cliff Lee, Ken Giles

Welcome: James Russell, Peter Bourjos, David Hernandez, Vincent Velasquez, Charlie Morton, Jeremy Hellickson, Mark Appel, Brett Oberholtzer, J.P. Arencibia, Ernesto Frieri, Edward Mujica, and most importantly, Jake Fox

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Freddy Galvis SS
2. Odubel Herrera CF
3. Maikel Franco 3B
4. Darin Ruf RF
5. Ryan Howard 1B
6. Cody Asche LF
7. Carlos Ruiz C
8. Cesar Hernandez 2B

Starting Rotation: Aaron Nola, Jeremy Hellickson, Charlie Morton, Brett Oberholtzer, Jerad Eickhoff
Setup: Jeanmar Gomez, Vincent Velasquez
Closer: David Hernandez

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
I see no changes, wake up in the morning and I ask myself: ‘Is life worth living? Should I blast myself?’
   - Tupac Shakur, Changes

The 2015 season was not kind to the Phillies. On one hand, they were in the bottom three in the Majors in runs scored. On an even shittier hand, they were also second to last in the Majors in ERA. And on a third imaginary mutated hand with 8 fingers and no thumbs, they played a good chunk of the season with some of the most awful garbage humans on the planet.

Chase Utley? Dirty player. Who can forget when he broke Reuben Tejada's leg?


Jonathan Papelbon? Way into chokesex.


Ryan Howard? Hangs out with diddlers.


True, they did trade away both Utley and Papelbon (and Cole Hamels and Jimmy Rollins), but they did the usual Phillies thing and waited about a year or two too late to trade them and didn't get maximum value. Although you can't blame the Phillies for not trading Ryan Howard because they've been trying for years. No one wants that contract or his associations with known diddlers.

Reason To Watch: Maikel Franco (3B) looks like the real deal and could be the latest Phillies great at the hot corner. And while he may not be able to field like Scott Rolen or grow a mustache that would make most men openly weep like Mike Schmidt, the kid can destroy the baseball, with a .217 ISO last season as a rookie. In a home ballpark that plays quite well to power hitters, I'd say 24 homers are a given with 30+ as a ceiling, stupid spelling of his first name or not.

Reason To Drink: Just about everyone else on the team. Jeeeeeeeesus Christ, I couldn't pick this starting lineup out of a group if I was holding all of their baseball cards in my hands. Outside of Franco, this lineup is just a garbage fire of has-been's (Ryan Howard) and who-is-that-now's (everyone else besides Franco). Their outfield of Aaron Altherr/Odubel Herrera/Peter Bourjos sounds like 3 names grabbed from a bag of identities cops keep on hand for when people need to go into witness protection.

Not blackout drunk enough yet, Phillies fans (SPOILER ALERT: Phillies fans can never get 'drunk enough')? Freddy Galvis is your shortstop. Still looking for a double-shot of hot runny dump on top of all that? Your 'ace' (and the use of that word is so loose it would make a cathouse madam blush) is Jeremy Hellickson, who hasn't had an ERA under 4.50 since Whitney Houston died. And your #2 behind him is Charlie Morton, the pitching equivalent of a big steamy #2, so maybe that's fitting.

The Fans: Philly fans are pretty terrible, but in a way that's not too obtrusive. Unless you're Santa Claus or they decide to throw batteries at you, you can just ignore them and pretend they aren't there. It's like the raccoons that go through your garbage - as long as they don't make a mess, it's easier to just let them be.
Did you say cheesesteak? Someone said cheesesteak.
Their Worst Contract: All of you were probably thinking I was going to say Ryan Howard, but you would be wrong. Sure, Ryan Howard is going to make $25 million this season, but at least the Phillies will get SOMETHING out of him. Compare that to the $12.5 million of absolute sunk cost that the Phillies will be paying 37 year old Cliff Lee this season to not even pitch for their team. For that much money, you can buy Paula Deen's mansion, which I assume is full of white hooded robes covered in Crisco.

Fantasy Standout: Aaron Nola? He's not bad. Not great, but he's going to look a lot better in comparison to the other clowns on the team.

Fantasy Bust: Everyone else. Seriously, this team is like the sun during an eclipse: stare too long and someone older than you will yell at you and smack you across the face.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: All the upcoming water events during the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio. In case you haven't heard, all of those water events will happen in what is basically poo water. That's not me reaching for a 3rd poop joke in s a single post. It's the truth. You might feel the urge to watch, just to see if it's as gross as you think it will be. Don't. It is, and you won't be any better off turning in. Much like those poo-water games, the 2016 Phillies technically have to play a season, but it's probably better if you just ignore it.

Cubs Offseason Review: Baller $tatus

February 06, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk


It certainly took a while, but this has finally been the offseason we've been waiting for since 2006.

You remember 2006, don't you? Dick Cheney shot a dude. Zinedine Zidane headbutted a dude. Barbaro (what ever happened to that horse?) almost won a Triple Crown. And the Cubs...well, the less you remember about the 2006 baseball season, the better. Outside of Aramis Ramirez having one of his finest seasons and the solid, workmanlike play of one Thunder Matt Murton, the 2006 Cubs were a tire fire full of some of your least favorite names: Michael Barrett's pasty face was offending sensibilities across Chicago. Ronny Cedeno OPS'd .610 (for comparison, Carlos Marmol's OPS was .696 in 24 at-bats). Tony Womack got paid to basically hang out and be 103 years old. Hell, even Greg Maddux posted a 4.69 ERA, his worst in 19 YEARS.

(Surprisingly solid in 2006? Jacque Jones! His triple slash was .285/.334/.499 with 27 homers. Talk about one of the most "underrated solid effort by a guy you swear was putrid" Cubs seasons ever. If Jason Heyward puts that season up this year, we'll be calling him a bargain!)

Did I mention that the Cardinals won the World Series?

And then everything turned in the offseason. Dusty Baker got shitcanned and replaced by Lou Pinella. And the front office decided to make a run at the playoffs by signing Alfonso Soriano to an 8 year, $136 million contract, the 5th largest in baseball history at that point. The Cubs rode the momentum of that offseason to consecutive playoff appearances in 2007 and 2008.

Then we got pretty old and pretty bad. Theo and Jed came in and cleaned house and we knew it would be a while until we would be major players in free agency again. But even then, Cubs fans still hoped to sign a big free agent to build around, something to signal that better times were ahead.

But sometimes, it turns out that the moves you don't make can be as important as the ones that you do make. I remember I was hoping for the Cubs to sign Prince Fielder in the 2012 offseason, but what would have happened to Anthony Rizzo? If we would have gotten what we wanted in 2013 and signed Masahiro Tanaka, it definitely would have hampered what the Cubs were able to do this offseason (and would have looked doubly bad when his elbow finally blew up, which it will this season). Last year's Lester signing was a great start, but no one saw the 2015 season playing out like it did. We still knew the best was yet to come.

And that leads us to the offseason that will officially be wrapping up 2 weeks from today when pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training. Let's look at the major events of the offseason and my grades for each one.



1. Red Sox sign David Price

This one stung. We knew that the Cubs were going to try and flex their financial muscle this offseason, and as the 2015 NLCS showed, the Cubs were a bit short on starting pitching. I mean, I love Kyle Hendricks, but he has no business being the #3 starter on a team with World Series aspirations. The patented Joe Maddon Connection didn't come through and Price went to Boston.

HOT TAKE: This turned out to be a positive. I was really disappointed initially, but I think it's because I didn't think Heyward was a real possibility. I thought it was basically Price or nothing. But seeing how the offseason eventually played out, signing Price would have prevented the Cubs from doing all the other awesome things they've done this year. And as fearsome as an Arrieta/Lester/Price playoff threesome would be, the Royals showed us last year that you don't need a stacked rotation like the Mets to go all the way. You just need some reliable guys, a great bullpen and a lineup of high OBP guys that can get on base against power pitchers. And while the Cubs are much flashier on offense than last year's Kansas City squad, they made a few Royals-esque moves soon thereafter.



2. Basically trading Starlin Castro for Ben Zobrist and Adam Warren

Sure, Zobrist wasn't technically part of the Castro trade, but both moves were companion pieces to each other. Zobrist's contract is being paid with the money saved by shipping Castro out of town.

HOT TAKE: I was not a fan of this initially. Don't get me wrong, Adam Warren is a decent starter and has the potential to be a really great bullpen arm. But he's not worth getting a decade older at second base. And even with Castro slipping the last few seasons, there's no way that Zobrist's age 34-37 seasons will be better than Castro's age 25-28 seasons. I even posted a very curt Facebook status about it. But we'll revisit this in a moment.



3. Signing Jason Heyward

OHHHH SLAMMMM! The Cubs come up big and beat out the Nationals and the stupid Cardinals and sign Heyward to a deal that turned out to be less money than any other team offered. Some people tried to argue that Heyward wasn't worth all the money the Cubs dished out for him, and I guess I can see that point of view to a certain extent. If you're paying Heyward to be the big slugger in the middle of your lineup, you're going to have a bad time. Heyward isn't going to hit 30 home runs or drive in 120 RBI. But he PERFECTLY fits everything the Cubs desperately needed: someone to play great OF defense next to The Schwarber Project in left field and someone that has a great OBP that doesn't come with an inflated strikeout rate. He'll always be a better real life player than fantasy baseball player, but he is the perfect addition to the team on offense and on defense. For that reason, he was worth every penny.

HOT TAKE: The Heyward signing was great on its own. The side effect is that it made the Zobrist signing better too. Sure, 3-4 years from now Castro will probably be outplaying an almost-40 Zobrist. But we aren't concerned with 2018 or 2019. The signing of Heyward was a clear sign that the Cubs are serious about winning a World Series in 2016 and 2017. And for those two seasons, yeah, I think Zobrist can do exactly what we need him to do: get on base and not strike out. Remember how the Mets rotation carved up the Cubs lineup in the NLDS only to get slapped around by the Royals in the World Series? It's because the Cubs strike out a ton and the Royals have a bunch of high OBP, low K rate OBP machines. Now the Cubs have 2 more guys to do exactly that. The OBP potential of the Cubs without any additions was high enough, with Rizzo, Bryant and Schwarber all with the ability to OBP somewhere between .350 and .390. Add Zobrist (.359 last year) and Heyward (.359 too!) to that and holy crap, this lineup is going to run up pitch counts in a hurry. Then all of our big boppers get to feast on the awful bullpens of the NL.



4. Signing John Lackey

And there's the rotation depth we needed. Yes, Lackey is old enough that if he completely fell apart next season, it wouldn't be shocking at all. But that's why it's awesome that we got him on just a 2 year deal. You can eat a bad signing for 2 seasons. Hell, the Cubs ate 5 years of garbage from Edwin Jackson and came out ok!

HOT TAKE: I'm for it. And if Lackey dies in a fire of horrible performance, the Cubs still have guys like Almora and Baez to trade at the deadline for another starter if one is needed. Signing Lackey is a calculated risk, but for only 2 years of commitment, I'm game. And really, who else were the Cubs going to sign? Jesus, Jeff Samardzija got SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS.

So the Cubs got more defense and OBP and another solid starter to boost the rotation. We're almost the new Royals! Now about that bullpen...



5. Signing Clayton Richard and Trevor Cahill

Both guys were nails in the playoffs last year, with Trevor "Fat Baby" Cahill coming up HUGE in the NLDS. Both guys seem like the types that can reinvent themselves from failed starters into great relievers and both seem like solid clubhouse guys.

HOT TAKE: I love it. And for the first time I can remember, the Cubs bullpen is actually going to be a strength rather than a grease fire. Rondon is perfectly adequate as a closer. Strop is solid as a setup guy. Grimm and Neil Ramirez? Good to great relievers! Adam Warren was great when he moved to the pen last year. And now with Clayton Richard in the fold, Travis Wood won't have to throw 3,000 innings a year and wear down like he did in 2015.

This has been as close to a perfect of an offseason as I could have hoped for. I wasn't onboard with every move initially, but all of the puzzle pieces fit together beautifully, with Theo and Jed once again proving that they are much smarter than I am when it comes to running a baseball team.

I could probably outdo Jim Hendry though.