Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 5

Welcome back for Part 5 of our comprehensive report cards of the March Madness underdogs. We tackled the 12 seeds through the 15 seeds. Now we take a look at the NCAA tournament equivalent of getting a participation medal in the 16 seeds, since there's no goddamn chance any of these teams will win. I know that every year people are all "BUT IT COULD HAPPEN!" and yeah, technically it can. But it won't. Trust me on this one. The day a 16 seed upsets a 1 seed is the day I'll eat a shoe. My grading will be especially harsh because we need to keep these 16 seeds down.

As before we will be grading on the following criteria.

• Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
• Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
• Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
• Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
• Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
• Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
• Elevation Above Sea Level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.

And awaaaaaayyyyyy we go!

Austin Peay

Where the fuck is this? 

Austin Pee (sorry, I had to) is in Clarksville, Tennessee. They play in the Ohio Valley Conference. I knew a girl in college with the nickname 'The Ohio Valley'. HEY-OOO!!!!! (I didn't)

1. Nickname - The Governors? Maybe if you had Jesse Ventura and AHHNOLD running around in their beefcake prime this would be cool. Now all I picture is the stupid Snidely Whiplash bozo that is their logo.  D

2. Notable Alumni - Bob Harper, fitness trainer on NBC's "The Biggest Loser," To quote their website, "Harper has become one of the most credible and sought-after motivational experts on television." Fantastic! F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - NO BEAR POPULATION NEARBY. How hard can this category be? Just have more bears around. It's simple, asshole. F

4. Resume Prestige - All I could find is that it's the fastest growing college in Tennessee, which means that it can't be that great because if it were, more people would have gone there in the first place. F

5. Proximity To My House - 7 hours by car, which is just short enough that you psych yourself into it and then immediately regret it in hour 3.5. F

6. Name Brevity - It's short, but again, 'Austin Pee'. F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 509 feet, which is juuuuuust low enough for... F

FINAL GPA: 0.14

Holy Cross

Where the fuck is this? 

In the fancy schmancy town of Worcester, Massachusetts. They play in the Patriot League. Great.

1. Nickname - Crusaders, which is super cool unless you are a Muslim. You know who hates Muslims? Pope Urban II and Donald Trump. F

2. Notable Alumni - Bill Simmons? That would have been a passing grade 10 years from now. Unfortunately, Bill Simmons has since created a black hole by retreating so far up his own asshole. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is DEEEEEEP in black bear country. Normally I'd give you an A, but I can't get over the thing about your mascot waging holy war against Muslims. D

4. Resume Prestige - If you're applying for a job where part of your duties is to act stuck up and murder people with a different religion, you'd get an A. But there are only a limited number of seats on President Trump's cabinet, so... F

5. Proximity To My House - Too far. I might as well go somewhere warm and with more religious tolerance. F

6. Name Brevity - You know what's short? Holy Cross. You know what else is really short? 'Sieg Heil!' F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 480 feet, which isn't nearly high enough.  F

FINAL GPA: 0.14

Southern 

Where the fuck is this? 

Baton Rouge, Lousiana. They play in the SWAC, which also doubles as cool rap slang.

1. Nickname - Jaguars. Not a bad mascot, but the Jacksonville Jaguars aren't too far away and they rub their stink off onto everything and anything.  D

2. Notable Alumni - Randy Jackson. From American Idol. Again, super cool if it was 10 years ago, but not anymore, dawg. F 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Yeah, there are some pretty close bears. The last thing you need when you're making up some gumbo is for a bear to come by and steal it all though. F 

4. Resume Prestige - Here's how I see it going:

"Where did you go to college?"
"Southern."
Oh, down south? Which school?"
"In Baton Rouge."
"Oh, so LSU?"
"No, Southern University."
"Right, but which southern university?"

No one needs that hassle. F 

5. Proximity To My House - No one drives from Chicago to Louisiana. I get all the cajun spice I need from the Popeyes nearby. F

6. Name Brevity - Short, but too nondescript to get away with being that short (see above). F 

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 56 feet. And probably a quick judgement from bringing up sea level elevation to anyone in Louisiana. Good thing Spike Lee doesn't read this blog. F 

FINAL GPA: 0.00

Florida Gulf Coast 

Where the fuck is this? 

Fort Myers, Florida. Atlantic Sun Conference. Remember when they dunked on all those fools so many times a few years back? Yeah, this team is no Dunk City. It's not even Dunk Township. 

1. Nickname - Eagles. Sorry, but Chip Kelly ruined this for you. F

2. Notable Alumni - Chris Sale, starting pitcher for the Chicago White Sox. He's a great pitcher, but they are a garbage team. F 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Yeah, there are definitely some strong beareas around, but if I'm going all the way down to Florida, I want to see a goddamn croc. Deliverance > The Revenant. F

4. Resume Prestige - I honestly know nothing about this school. F 

5. Proximity To My House - TOO FAR. F

6. Name Brevity - This F is definitely deserved. Typing out Florida Gulf Coast University just caused me to have wrist problems. F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 10 feet. Let's flood it. F 

FINAL GPA: 0.00

Fairleigh Dickinson 

Where the fuck is this? 

EHHHHHH WE'RE FROM NEW JERSEY, COMIN' OUTTA DA NORTHEAST CONFERENCE. 

1. Nickname - Knights. Wow, that's original. Was 'Tigers' taken? Shit, you aren't even the only school in New Jersey that's the Knights and New Jersey is the size of Soldier Field. F 

2. Notable Alumni - Oh man, have you heard of 'No One'? Yeah, I think the answer is no one. Take a look. No. One. F 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - There are none. I would totally watch a show called Jersey Bears. It's like the Gummy Bears but they would be lit on amphetamines. But there are no bears in Jersey, sooo... F

4. Resume Prestige - The same prestige that my college (Eureka College) has: every job interview gets you at least one "Is that even a real school?". Eureka College almost went bankrupt before my senior year, so this one gets a failing grade too. F 

5. Proximity To My House - I'm in Chicago. None of these stupid schools are close. F

6. Name Brevity - It's only 2 words, but both of those words are long and one of them is impossible to say. "As in Chris Fairleigh?" F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 128 feet. This is the part of the country that gets ruined in every movie that includes a giant tidal wave. Not even John Cusack can save Chris Fairleigh College. F 

FINAL GPA: 0.00

Hampton 

Where the fuck is this? 

In good old Hampton, Virginia (natch). Hampton is a 'proud' member of the MEAC. 

1. Nickname - Pirates. Great. First we have a school supporting religious genocide and now we have a school that supports Somali pirates? LOOK AT ME. I'M DE CAPTAHN NAOW. F 

2. Notable Alumni - As much as I would love to shit on everything, Booker T. Washington went to Hampton and that's awesome. Then again, so did something called DJ Envy, so I have to take off points for that. B 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Yeah, you've got some pretty solid bear action nearby. Too bad bears hate the taste of Somali pirates. F

4. Resume Prestige - Any school that had Booker T. Washington go there looks excellent wherever you go. B 

5. Proximity To My House - Far. Thirteen hours. That's too far to drive unless...nope, that's always too far to drive. F

6. Name Brevity - It's short, but holy cow, they didn't even throw 'University' at the end. And it's the name of the town? No one likes follow up questions when you're just trying to make smalltalk. "I went to Hampton." Oh, really? The city or the college? TOO MUCH. F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 10 feet. Same as the CHUDS in Florida. F 

FINAL GPA: 0.86

Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 4

Welcome back for Part 4 of our in-depth reporting on this year's March Madness underdogs. We've hit every seed from 12 to 14, and now we're at the very bottom rung of reasonable hope - the 15s. While the other underdogs profiled come into the tournament with their backs against the wall, it's not a gigantic shocker if and when they pull off the upset. Meanwhile, the 16 seeds, for all they contribute to the tournament, may as well be a bunch of old Nick Anderson posters grudgingly dragged up from a moldy basement and taped to the arena floor. 

But the 15 seeds ... each game is terror, and each triumph is magic. It doesn't happen often (7 wins against 117 losses), but when it happens, it's like finding a beautiful rainbow that decapitates your annoying neighbor. Never has the phrase "HAHA, LOOK AT THOSE ASSHOLES!" been more apt than watching 1997 South Carolina (Coppin State!), 2012 Duke (Lehigh), or 2013 Georgetown (Florida Gulf Coast University and Air Conditioning Repair School) melt off the court in a puddle of pure grief. The very existence of these upsets creates a thick, black, viscous bile of cynical delight within my gallbladder. I'm told it can melt steel beams.

Do any of this year's Hedge Knights of Borderline Ineptitude have what it takes? Let's find out.

UNC-Asheville

Where the Fuck is This?
Asheville, NC. A perfectly cromulent little mountain burg where I used to go watch the Avett Brothers play for five bucks. This was years before everyone in Brooklyn started dressing like them. Good barbecue, good beer, great town. I don't care to find out what conference they're in. Let's say the Synthesis League.

1. Nickname - The Bulldogs. I will pay them $29 to change it to the Bulldops, though. Until then, D+.

2. Notable Alumni -Topper Shutt, which is either a meteorologist or a porn star. Again, I'm not opening more tabs than I have to.

Also, "alumni" is a plural group of people who have graduated from an institution. An "alumnus" (male), "alumna" (female), or "alum" (colloquial, either sex) is a singular graduate. So let's add a second ... oh. There isn't one. I guess we'll see you next time on Shooter's No-Fun Grammar Circus. D-

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Black bears, which are really just the spinach wraps of the bear community. C-

4. Resume Prestige - You know how colleges will trumpet the bullshit sub-sub-regional rankings from some obscure U.S. News and World Report category? Like how West Nevada A&M is 8th in International Diplomacy or something? Well, UNC Asheville's page lists its 2012 reaffirmation of certification as one of the president's major achievements. D

5. Proximity to my House - 654 miles, which isn't terrible so long as I'm planning on visiting restaurants and breweries rather than the sad safety schools of the Carolinas. C

6. Name Brevity - It's brev-ish. C+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 2,134. B+

Final GPA: 1.76

Weber State

Where the Fuck is This?
Located in scenic, pastoral Ogden, Weber. It's the flagship research institution of the state of Weber.

1. Nickname - The Wildcats. Come on, man. At least change the Create-A-Team settings from the default. D-

2. Notable Alumni - NBA coaching great Dick Motta. If you knew how long I skimmed his page trying to figure out if he was Thad Matta's father, you'd throw rotten fruit at me in passing. D+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - The great state of Weber is teeming with bear, polar, grizzly, and hirsute male-identifying homosexual alike. A

4. Resume Prestige - I've heard people brag about the most asinine stuff. I've never heard someone brag about graduating from an institution in Uta ... uh, Weber. C

5. Proximity to my House - To reach the land of Weber, you need only open your heart. A-

6. Name Brevity - WEH-BURR WILD-CATS! (clap clap clapclapclap) A-

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 4,300 feet. Good show! A

Final GPA: 2.77

CSU Bakersfield

Where the Fuck is This?
Bakersfield, dummy. They play in the WAC, which is the color beige in sports form.

1. Nickname - The Roadrunners. This is one of those nicknames that your bog-standard community college would consider beneath them. Maybe it has something to do with the local fauna. I don't care. You couldn't pay me to give a shit about CSU Bakersfield. D

2. Notable Alumni - Big Poppa E, professional slam poet. Take a long hard look at yourself, Wikipedia administrator.

Not a stock photo. 

Also, MMA fighter and noted woman-puncher Tito Ortiz rassled for them as a benchwarmer. I don't know if he graduated, and I'm not doing the detective work to find out. This school has only been around since 1965, and I can only conclude that it's spent most of that time functioning as the gross pool filter of the California educational system. D-

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - No bears. Maybe black bears. Or the road runners killed them. D-

4. Resume Prestige - NOPE. D

5. Proximity to my House - 2,039 miles. To get to Bakersfield. F

6. Name Brevity - I demand further brevity. D

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 404. Elevation not found. INTERNET BURN. F

Final GPA: 0.63 (Luckily, that will still get you a CSU Bakersfield degree)

Middle Tennessee

Where the Fuck is This?
Murfreesboro, Tennessee. My cousin went to undergrad there, and once they filmed at episode of Bar Rescue at this shitty place near campus. These are the only two historical events depicted on the town seal. This school became pretty big (22,000 students in the middle of nowhere) after The University of Tennessee instituted lottery scholarships and you couldn't write "don't math good" in place of your SAT score anymore. They play in the Chumbawamba League or something.

1. Nickname - The Blue Raiders. Like the regular Raiders, except their fans have slightly more education and a comparable amount of teeth. B

2. Notable Alumni - Al Gore. Senior, though. Don't get too excited. Also they've produced two Nobel Laureates and a Nashville mayor named Bill Boner. TEE HEE! B+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - So yadda yadda not a whole lot of Bears (maybe black bears), let's get back to Boner. He once appeared on the Phil Donahue Show with a "singer" (every woman with a decent ego in Nashville thinks they are) he was engaged to. Except he was still married to his third wife at the time. So Boner plays harmonica and she sings "Rocky Top." They got married and divorced afterward, and eventually he left politics and started teaching driver's ed in the suburbs. He's now retired and married to his fifth wife.

I have no idea why he was on the show. I really do love the state of Tennessee. A-

4. Resume Prestige - They've got a degree in Concrete Industry Management. I think my cousin majored in Horses. She likes horses and stuff. C

5. Proximity to my House - 514 miles. I guess at least it's single digits. C

6. Name Brevity - I've never met a soul who insisted on calling it anything but MTSU. Like the full name was a little presumptuous. Or maybe that's how they root out City Folk. B-

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 619 feet. D+

Final GPA: 2.57

Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 3

Welcome back for Part 3 of our comprehensive report cards of the March Madness underdogs. We tackled the 12 seeds and the 13 seeds. Now we wade into darker waters to talk about the 14 seeds. It'll be ok guys. I'm grading you here, not Governor X. I know his grading curve is a bit tough. Like the stodgy professor in the movies that's a bit of a hard ass, and then you bring a homeless Joe Pesci to class and homeless Joe Pesci gives a passionate speech about the Constitution or something and everyone claps and the professor looks kind of stupid and we're all supposed to have learned something from it and I forget what else happens.

As before we will be grading on the following criteria.

• Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
• Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
• Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
• Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
• Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
• Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
• Elevation Above Sea Level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.

Make sense? No? Well, fuck it we're rolling with it anyway.

Also homeless Joe Pesci dies at the end. SPOILER!

Buffalo

Where the fuck is this? 

Buffalo, New York. Representing the MAC.

1. Nickname - Bulls. This is just confusing. You have an animal in your school name already and then you pick a similar sounding one that is one letter away from your NFL team? I know the alliteration thing is cool and all but I feel like someone could've tried harder here, or even tried at all. D+

2. Notable Alumni - Charles Mingus. Don't get much cooler than that. A

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - My sources say there are black bears in the surrounding areas of Buffalo. One might wander into town but if they're wearing a pair of Zubaz pants and a Jim Kelly jersey no one will probably notice or care. C+

4. Resume Prestige - Some quick reading suggests Buffalo is a pretty legit college and a major research university. It even boasts a president as an alum. Bummer that it's Millard Fillmore though. B+

5. Proximity To My House - About 11 and a half hours to drive it, with a large chunk of the drive through shitass Indiana and Ohio. C

6. Name Brevity - This is one of those State University of New York bullshit things. Bravo on cutting out all the crap and just going with Buffalo here. I don't need you spouting off that long ass name. I'm already onto my next basket of wings and 4th can of Molson, and I forgot what the fuck I even asked you. B+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 600 feet. Not bad. Actually yes it is bad. F

FINAL GPA: 2.31

Green Bay

Where the fuck is this? 

Green Bay, Wisconsin. They play in the Horizon League which sounds like it'd be a bunch of massage schools.

1. Nickname - Phoenix. Well it's different, I'll give them that. A giant bird made of fire is kind of bad ass I suppose. Yeah, I think I'm ok with th- WAIT your mascot's name is spelled Phlash? C-

2. Notable Alumni - Tony Shalhoub went there but didn't graduate. This is the literal opposite of having Charles Mingus as an alum. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Well you're not looking good out of the gate here Green Bay but you aced the final here. Northern Wisconsin is a prime "bearea." B+

4. Resume Prestige - You major in ice fishing? D+

5. Proximity To My House - I can easily get there in my car in under 4 hours. But I won't go, and you can't fucking make me! B+

6. Name Brevity - You followed the same path as some of the other schools covered so far in dropping the excessive bullshit and just going with "Green Bay." Nice job but I see that logo and just think you're a shitty minor league hockey team. B+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 581 feet. But the water flows from here past Buffalo. How can it be 19 feet lower? Eh who cares. F

FINAL GPA: 1.84

Stephen F. Austin 

Where the fuck is this? 

Nacogdoches, Texas. Yeee-fucking-haw. In the Southland Conference. 

1. Nickname - Lumberjacks. Really? You're named after a founding father of Texas and have the state in your god damn logo but you're the lumberjacks? Does Texas even have trees? 

Well apparently they do and the forestry industry is a big thing in the area. Thanks Wikipedia. It doesn't help your grade here though. C+ 

2. Notable Alumni - Don Henley. Man I hate the Eagles, but it's still better than Tony Shalhoub stopping by to take a shit. D- 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Not too far from the prime bearea in Arkansas but no bears to be found around Nacogdoches. D 

4. Resume Prestige - If you were applying to work for some crazy Texas secessionist he'd probably love you. Unfortunately I'm not sure how the other 99% of employers would feel. C 

5. Proximity To My House - About 15 hours in my car. C- 

6. Name Brevity - There's no good way to say this name. You start rattling off "Stephen F." and by they time you get to "Austin" I've regretted asking. Just say you went to Austin Peay instead. It's quicker and no one outside of those two schools gives a fuck anyway. D- 

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 302 feet. You know, University of Wyoming is over 7000 feet. Maybe you assholes could aspire to be more like them. F 

FINAL GPA: 1.2 

Fresno State 

Where the fuck is this? 

Fresno, California. Mountain West Conference 

1. Nickname - Bulldogs. God dammit with your fucking bulldogs. Let's see, I gave Yale a C- for theirs so I guess... D+ 

2. Notable Alumni - Former Lieutenant Governor of California Cruz Bustamante. C 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Fresno is in the San Joaquin Valley. There are no bears here. There's also no hope. At least it's not Stockton I suppose. D 

4. Resume Prestige - I guess you can aim as high as lieutenant governor. C+ 

5. Proximity To My House - 29 hours by car. Fuuuuuuuuck that. F 

6. Name Brevity - Just saying the word "Fresno" is depressing. I believe it's Spanish for "failed dreams." I suppose it's short enough, even if you die a little inside every time you say it. B- 

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 308 feet. Maybe move your shit to the mountains where the bears live. F 

FINAL GPA: 1.33

Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 2

Welcome to part 2 of TMS' March Madness Underdog Preview...time to grade the 13 seeds! Just as a refresher, here are our criteria:

1. Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?

1. Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.

1. Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory

1. Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?

1. Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?

1. Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.

1. Elevation above sea level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.

The 13 seeds

Hawaii

Where the fuck is this? 

Just outside of Reykjavik, Iceland.

1. Nickname - Rainbow Warriors. I don't really get this. Rainbows aren't really aggressive. D+

2. Notable Alumni - Michael Savage. The right wing bile spewer has masters degrees in anthropology and ethnobotany from Hawaii. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - The only bears in Hawaii are the fat gay kind. F

4. Resume Prestige - I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't the most serious school. They probably have a top notch volcano studies program though. C

5. Proximity To My House - 4,000+ km/2,500+miles and no roads. F

6. Name Brevity - Way too many syllables. F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 47m/154ft. F

Final GPA: 0.55, so Walmart then?

UNC Wilmington

Where the fuck is this? 

The place they filmed Dawson's Creek.

1. Nickname - Seahawks. This reminds me that Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther. B+

2. Notable Alumni - John Calipari and Skeet Ulrich attended, but didn't graduate. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Right in prime black bear country. They are the rats of the woods. A

4. Resume Prestige - It's a hyphenated school in North Carolina near a military base with no notable alumni. F

5. Proximity To My House - 36 hours in the car. F

6. Name Brevity - The name Seahawks is OK, but it's the whole "University of North Carolina - Wilmington" part that is troublesome. D

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 11m/37ft. F

Final GPA: 1.38

Stony Brook

Where the fuck is this? 

Out on Long Island. That's in New York gang.

1. Nickname - Seawolves. Brief and to the point, but wolves don't go in the sea. D

2. Notable Alumni - Dr. Laura. You might remember her from her talk show and being an all around terrible person. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - All the wildlife on Long Island has been exterminated. F

4. Resume Prestige - They seem to have an actual academic program, unlike some of these other tournament schools. B+

5. Proximity To My House - 40 hours in the car. F

6. Name Brevity - It's fine. Kind of rolls off the tongue. B

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 43m/142ft. F

Final GPA: 1.22

Iona

Where the fuck is this? 

More New Yorkers. Ugh.

1. Nickname - Gaels. Your nickname is a Gaelic speaking person? D-

2. Notable Alumni - Don McLean. Famous for that 20 minute long song about pie. B-

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Too close to New York City for bears on campus, but you wouldn't have to drive far to see black bears eating out of garbage cans. C+

4. Resume Prestige - It's a Christian college, so I'm just going to assume it's a scam like Azusa Pacific University or the Pope. D-

5. Proximity To My House - 40 hours in the car. F

6. Name Brevity - Quick and to the point, even if both the college name and nickname are terrible. B+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 162m/532ft. F

Final GPA: 1.28

Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 1

The NCAA Tournament is upon us and now everywhere folks are working feverishly to fill out their brackets. You will spend more time and effort on that lame ass office pool than you probably will on that report you were supposed to have ready last week, but that's neither here nor there. What you want to know is, what schools are most primed to pull off the upset? A 12 knocking off a 5 seed. A 13 shocking a 4. Hell maybe we'll even get a 14 or 15 seed pulling off the rare stunner. And what if, just what if a lowly 16 did the impossible and- .... nah let's not push our luck here.

I'm here today to take a closer look at these underdog schools in the 12 through 16 seeds and grade them on various strengths and weaknesses. Will this help you in filling out your bracket? Not a fucking chance!

No I'm gonna be grading completely arbitrary bullshit for each school and giving you a well-rounded but totally pointless assessment of them. Each school will be graded on the following

1. Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
2. Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
4. Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
5. Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
6. Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
7. Elevation above sea level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.

For the first part of this series I will be grading the 12 seeds.

The 12 Seeds

South Dakota State

Where the fuck is this? 
Brookings, South Dakota. They play in the Summit League.

1. Nickname - Jackrabbits. It's not exactly an intimidating nickname but I give them points for not being your generic Tiger or Bulldog. According to Wikipedia jackrabbits were a common game animal in pioneer times but their extremely lean meat made it a "poor choice as a survival food." Oh holy shit there's a whole other article on "Rabbit starvation." C+

2. Notable Alumni - Adam Vinatieri. A pretty well known NFL kicker, but a kicker nonetheless. C+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Brookings is on the east edge of the state and while I'm sure a rogue black bear may roam down that way, my sources say it's a pretty bear-free area. F

4. Resume Prestige - It's apparently one of the top research universities in the Midwest so I'm sure it doesn't look too shabby on the ol' resume. Plus they claim to have invented Cookies and Cream ice cream. I feel like 18 other schools claim that too though. B

5. Proximity To My House - Google Maps says it would take close to 7 hours for me to drive there. I bet I could do it in 6. B-

6. Name Brevity - 3 words, 5 syllables. It's borderline wordy but still not a hassle. Abbreviating it to SDSU isn't a time saver and you run the risk of having assholes think you mean San Diego State instead, and nobody wants to be compared to those shitheads. C+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - Approximately 1,621 feet. That's barely passing Jackrabbits. D-

FINAL GPA: 1.9

Yale

Where the fuck is this? 
New Haven, Connecticut. An Ivy League school.

1. Nickname - Bulldogs. Boring. There's like 76 schools with that nickname. You do have an edge over some of your other Ivy counterparts that just have a god damn color for a nickname. C-

2. Notable Alumni - Well shit. There's a laundry list a mile long here. I'll go with Paul Newman though. He always seemed like a pretty awesome guy and "Cool Hand Luke" is a great movie. A

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - The black bear does have habitat in the upper northern reaches of Connecticut. C-

4. Resume Prestige - It's Yale jackass. People fake having gone there just to look better. A

5. Proximity To My House - Close to 17 hours in the car. That's rough but I have drove that in a day. It passes, barely. D

6. Name Brevity - It's four god damn letters. Can't get much better than that. A-

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 59 feet. Dang and you were doing so well! F

FINAL GPA: 2.3

Chattanooga

Where the fuck is this? 
Chattanooga, Tennessee obviously. They play in the Southern Conference or SoCon.

1. Nickname - Mocs. This was shortened from "Moccasins." Was this an insensitive name or something? I just think of the hippy slippers people wear but maybe there's more to it. Supposedly the shortened version also refers to the mockingbird which is Tennessee's state bird. It could also be confused with this guy.  D+

2. Notable Alumni - Dennis Haskins. Yep, Mr. Belding himself is a Moc. B+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Yeah, they're close to some prime black bear territory. B-

4. Resume Prestige - Jeez, I don't know. To get a better answer I deferred to fellow bartender and University of Tennessee alum Shooter Muldoon:

"I mean, I guess it's maybe the 4th best institution in the state, and it's not Massachusetts or California. It's not a bad school though."

 Sounds like a slightly above average endorsement to me. C+

5. Proximity To My House - Like an 11 and a half hour drive. Probably closer to 12 when you factor in all the stops at fireworks stores and Waffle Houses. C

6. Name Brevity - It's one word but it's 4 syllables. They did shorten it from Tennessee-Chattanooga so that's a bonus. Also if people there don't call it "The Noog" they should. B-

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 676 feet. I'm disappointed. F

FINAL GPA: 2.04

Arkansas-Little Rock

Where the fuck is this? 
Even more explanatory than the previous school. They're in the powerhouse known as the Sun Belt.

1. Nickname - Trojans. Any nickname that makes me think of USC is not one I care for. D+

2. Notable Alumni - Derek Fisher. I can't decide if this is better or worse than Adam Vinatieri. Better just play it safe and grade it the same. C+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - There are black bears in Arkansas but mostly in the northwest part of the state. Little Rock is in the center. C+

4. Resume Prestige - It is Arkansas for starters and it's not even the main Arkansas school. If you're hyphenated there's probably always a better version elsewhere. C-

5. Proximity To My House - About an 11 hour drive. C

6. Name Brevity - Maybe take a page from The Noog and drop the Arkansas? Hyphenated schools are a hassle. D+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 335 feet. F

FINAL GPA: 1.56 - Maybe consider trade school instead?

Ha Ha, Look at You!

A quick run through of the teams that roundly deserve us all to point and laugh at them.

Baltimore Ravens - Look I know that the corpse of Steve McNair isn't nearly as productive as the living Steve McNair was back in Tennessee, and I know that the Baltimore defense is getting older and has lost a step or two, but last night was ridiculous. Big Ben made you guys look absolutely stupid, tossing 5 TD passes in the first half, and I enjoyed every second of it. Every time they showed Brian Billick's face on TV, I couldn't help but think about Kornheiser constantly referring to Billick as a "preening shmo" on his radio show.

Michigan State Basketball - Sure it was only an exhibition game, but come on. You guys are ranked #8 in the polls and you drop one to Division II Grand Valley State? Everyone can point and laugh at them as they get dressed in the weight room and hallway, as Coach Izzo has kicked them out of their own locker room.

Nebraska Cornhuskers - The Cornhuskers to me, are the Green Bay Packers of college football. I hate their fans more than I hate the team. So to see the Kansas Jayhawks drop 76 on them is quite possibly the greatest thing ever. Bill Callahan's days as coach are definitely numbered. Rumor has it he's getting out of the coaching game and going back to work for his brother at the family's brake pad factory.

Speaking of Kansas, what the hell is going on with the bizarro college football season? Kansas is good, Kentucky is good, UConn is good. Did someone forget to remind them they are basketball schools?

War Criminal: Steve Alford

Growing up, I was a huge Iowa Hawkeye basketball fan. My earliest memories are of those spectacular Hawkeye teams in the 80's with the likes of Roy Marble, Ed Horton, B.J. Armstrong, Brad Lohaus, Jeff Moe and such. The coach leading them was Dr. Tom Davis. The Hawks were perennial favorites in the Big Ten throughout Dr. Tom's tenure and he proved successful at getting his team into the tourney just about every year. But by the late 90's, some were beginning to grow tired of Dr. Tom. While the constant tourney bids were nice, the Hawks weren't getting beyond the second round and many felt that it was time for a change. So at the end of the 98/99 season, Iowa chose not to renew his contract.

Enter Steve Alford, Indiana legend and member of the Pat Riley Hair Club for Men. Alford was coming off a nice season at Southwest Missouri State where he led the Bears to a Sweet 16 appearance that year. There was a buzz of excitement in Iowa that hadn't been there in a while. Things were surely going to take a turn for the best, and when they opened their first game the following season with a 70-68 victory over the defending National Champion UConn Huskies, I was firmly on board the Alford train.

One problem. The train was heading the wrong direction.

That UConn win was the highest point, at least for me, during the entire Alford tenure at Iowa. As Hawk fans remember, that first season was pretty lousy as Iowa finished 14-16, their first losing season since 93/94. Things picked up in year two for Alford. Despite only a 7-9 conference record that season, the Hawkeyes ran the table in the Big Ten tourney and won the automatic bid, earning a 7 seed in the NCAA tournament. Iowa would win their first round game against 10 seed Creighton before losing to 2 seed Kentucky. This would be first and last time Alford's Hawkeyes would win an NCAA tourney game.

After that the wheels really started to come loose. In 2002, Iowa star player Pierre Pierce was charged with sexual assault. He ended up with what amounted to a slap on the hand from the law and when he only received essentially a red-shirt as punishment from the team, it was a slap in the face to the fans and the school. Many, wanting Pierce removed from the team completely were not happy and felt Alford's handling of the matter was piss poor at best. The integrity and class that Dr. Tom ran the Iowa program with had vanished. To make Alford and the school look even more foolish was that model-citizen Pierce would run into trouble with the law again in early 2005. This time he was being charged with a slew of crimes including sexual abuse, burglary, and false imprisonment. Alford dismissed his leading scorer from the team, a move that should've been done three years earlier. Pierce spent just under a year in prison and now has to register as a sex offender. Still under probation, a judge denied his request to leave the state to pursue an NBA career.

Not that Pierce made much of a difference anyway. The three years following their 2001 tourney appearance saw the Hawkeyes only able to earn bids to the NIT, which was rather unfamiliar territory for Hawk fans before Alford came to town. It wasn't even until the 03/04 season that Alford was able to put together a winning record in Big Ten play.

Somewhere between their lucky late season run in 2001, the Pierce debacle, and their return back to the tournament I had gone from rooting for Iowa to general indifference. With his pompous arrogance, and lackluster coaching to back it up, Steve Alford had essentially ruined a team I used to love. When they entered the 2006 tournament with a 3 seed and their best season yet under Alford, I not only didn't care, I openly cheered for Northwestern State and was happy to see them nail the buzzer-beater, bouncing the Hawkeyes in the first round. This past season I took pleasure in watching Iowa lose over and over again. Anything to get Al"fraud" out of Iowa was good to me. Shortly after the season ended, the news I was hoping for came. Alford was leaving for New Mexico.

Amazingly there are still folks out there that liked Alford as Iowa's coach. For those folks I offer you the following facts and stats.

• In 8 seasons Alford was 152-105 with Iowa (.591 winning percentage)

• In 13 seasons Davis was 269-140 with Iowa (.658 winning percentage)

• Alford had 3 NIT bids and 3 NCAA bids (winning only once in the NCAA tourney)

• Davis had 2 NIT bids and 9 NCAA bids (never losing a single first round game in the NCAA tourney)

• Alford had 3 seasons out of 8 with a .500 or better record in the Big Ten

• Davis had 11 seasons out of 13 with a .500 or better record in the Big Ten

• Number of NBA Draft Picks during Alford's tenure = 0

• Number of NBA Draft Picks during Davis' tenure = 12 (Brad Lohaus, Kevin Gamble, Jeff "The Vanilla Gorilla" Moe, B.J. Armstrong, Roy Marble, Ed Horton, Les Jepsen, Acie Earl, Russ Millard, Ricky Davis, Ryan Bowen, J.R. Koch)

To be fair with the draft picks, the rise in high school and international picks does play a little bit of a factor. But even Iowa State managed to have a few guys get drafted during Alford's time. The most he has to show for having a former Iowa player in the NBA is everyone's favorite nut-grabber, Reggie Evans.

So bring on the Todd Lickliter Era. It's been rough for me the last few years, but with this deserved war criminal finally exiled to Lobo country, I can finally end my self-imposed boycott of Iowa basketball and once again enjoy the team I grew up with.

Billy Packer to 'Fag Out' on Sleepover at Tim Hardaway's House

Oh Billy Packer. You've always had a curious way with words now haven't you? While I do think that his transgression was probably fueled more by a poor and rather outdated vocabulary rather than menace, this is as good of a reason as any for CBS to fire him and promote everybody's favorite mama's boy, Gus Johnson.

Check out Gus' greatest hits from this year's tourney. Boom goes the dynamite.

Bartender Banter: We got 161 more of these folks...

Well yesterday's game was a disappointment. Ol' Chaz struggled out there, going only 5 innings, giving up 5 runs on 6 hits and 5 walks, including two moon shot home runs from Adam Dunn.

Thunder Matt accounted for the Cubs only run, which softens the blow of his 3 strikeouts a bit. Hopefully he'll look better at the plate tomorrow. Murton has hit pretty well against Cincy in the past and I'm getting anxious to throw another plaque up in the Trophy Room.

Speaking of Thunder Matt, it was revealed on Sunday, that he may be used at catcher if Lou finds himself in a real pinch this week. Hank White may miss a game to testify at the trial of his agent, which would mean Murton could be Barrett's backup while he's gone. The best part was Lou's comment on the matter.

"The only guy who's ever caught is Murton," said Piniella. "Hopefully, we won't have to use that adorable redhead at catcher."

Interesting choice of words there Lou.

Some Basketball News
What? Who cares about the Gators? I want to talk about the Hawkeyes. It appears that Todd Lickliter will be the new head coach at Iowa. Lickliter just won National Coach of the Year, after taking the Butler Bulldogs to the Sweet 16 and finishing with a 29-7 record. I'm not overly familiar with Lickliter. According to a drunk hobo, he was 131-61 in 6 seasons at Butler and took them to the Sweet 16 both seasons they made the tourney. He also had two NIT appearances as well. Before becoming head coach, he served as an assistant at Butler under Thad Matta, who is currently the head coach at Ohio State.

This looks like a great hire to me, although after what Steve Alford has done (or failed to do) with this program, they could've hired a broccoli fart in a jar as head coach and I'd probably been happy. Welcome to Iowa Todd, and best wishes.

One Last Thing
A week or so ago, I received an email from the folks over at Rumors and Rants. They had invited several sports bloggers to submit to them their favorite ballplayer of all-time and why? The result is this excellent compilation from a wide variety of great sports blog out there. I chose to give a tip of the cap to Mark Grace, but some paid their respects to lesser known guys like Kevin Romine and "possibly retarded" Rube Waddell. If you love baseball, it's a pretty entertaining read.

Fearless NCCA Tournament Predictions From a Casual and Dangerously Underinformed Observer

Let the record show that in my office pool I predicted all four of the teams in Final Four. Not that it took a lot of skill to go with all of the 1 and 2 seeds, but I digress. Lets take a look at each team's odds at winning the big trophy. Wait, is there a trophy? One would assume. At the very least they can cut down the nets. That's a memory that will last a lifetime.

UCLA - 10:1
Lord knows they always seem to make it pretty far in the tournament. But can I speak frankly for a second? No one outside of Southern California knows any of their players. C'mon now. That damn Pacific time zone renders all West Coast teams virtually anonymous to the rest of the country. All I know is every time they make it this far, we as a society are cruelly exposed to numerous crowd shots of Bill Walton. Get over yourself Walton. Isn't there a Grateful Dead concert you should be at?

Georgetown - 5:1
These guys are athletic. Which translates to 'they don't have any white guys'. What they do have is Patrick Ewing's son! And apparently the support of the late Ronald Reagan.

Ohio State - 3:1
I don't like Ohio State per se, but I will be casually rooting for them (even though I picked Florida to beat them in my office pool) based on the fact that they're in the Big Ten and they're the one team of which I am actually somewhat familiar with. What a matchup vs. Georgetown. Patrick Ewing's son vs. Robert Parish. As a quick aside, the Buckeyes are really good on NCAA March Madness for Xbox and I really enjoyed my few games at the controls. For that reason alone they have my halfhearted support.

Florida - 2:1
How hard is it to repeat in college basketball? I dunno. Why don't you ask Bill Walton? He's right there in the crowd. Florida seems to be the logical choice and I've always been nothing if not a logical man. If they win, I win $100, which one could surmise I will donate to my favorite charity. Unfortunately if Florida wins, we may all have to witness the sequel to this. God help us all.

Best Morning Ever

Though the hurdles of life have kept my posts on TMS at bay as of late, I had to take the time to discuss the wonderful events that transpired after I shut my eyes last night. First and foremost, a round of applause to Tony LaRussa, who I'm sure you've heard by now was found asleep at the wheel and charged with a DUI. Yes, he was wearing his trademark tinted glasses at the time. As this mugshot shows, he is now wide awake and hopefully contemplating suicide. The surly LaRussa has never been a fan favorite in St. Louis, despite his success, and this incident will certainly not endear him any further with the Cardinal faithful. Needless to say, he is generally abhored in Cub-dom. Alas, not much will come of it. It's difficult to reprimand an employee for a DUI when your entire baseball franchise has historically been propped up by Budweiser. A public tongue-lashing and small fine will likely be the extent of his punishment, along with the years of embarrassment. If we Cub fans are lucky, perhaps LaRussa will step down from his post after this year, followed by a string of hapless seasons for Poop-holes and the Cards.

The other sports tidbit which is cause for celebration in the heartland is late word that Steve Alford will be resigning his post as basketball coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes, and assume the same position at the University of New Mexico. A press conference is expected Friday. And the peasants rejoiced. If only Dr. Tom Davis could be coaxed out of retirement. Look for a Steve Alford War Criminal profile in the near future.

Bartender Banter: Logjammin'

I've had about 3-4 ideas in my head for new posts. Only problem is, I haven't had time to sit down and refine a single one, creating a mental logjam.

I was going to do something to preview March Madness, which kicks off today as most of you know (The play-in game doesn't count in my book, until a 16 seed actually makes it out of the first round, this game has virtually no relevance. My apologies to Booger Knob U. and whoever they played the other night). I love that every year they report in the news the estimated $1 billion loss in productivity that businesses have during the first week of March Madness. That won't be changing any time soon, and will probably get worse as CBS is offering their March Madness on-demand again this season. A little hint that worked for me. If the game you wanna see is being blacked out online because it's on your local station, try signing in with a different user account, only make your zip code somewhere way far away from either school you want to see. It worked for me last year. My user account hailed from Bellingham, Washington and was able to watch the Hawkeyes humiliate themselves against Northwestern State.

Here's my bracket sheet I filled out. Feel free to snicker and mock me. In fact, if you're bracket resembles mine in any fashion, you're probably in deep shit in your office pool. I completely suck at picking the winners.
A couple quick notes on the Cubs.

• The Riot has secured a roster spot. This is great news as Ryan was a favorite of the Saloon's last season. If Izturis or DeRosa completely bomb, I hope Theriot gets a shot to start.
• Bruce Miles is backing Thunder Matt to be the Cubs' #2 in the batting order. That sounds good to me. It seems Lou doesn't follow Tracyball rule #34 that states, "No matter how poor the OBP, you must always bat your 2B in the two spot."
• Speaking of Miles, he took part in a discussion with the folks from GROTA the other week, along with Will Carroll, Paul Sullivan, and Paul Lukas. The topic, "Blogging and the Traditional Media". It's an interesting read. If I came away learning one thing, it's that I don't think we here at TMS, use the word douchebag enough.

NL West preview, later today. I promise.

I'm Not Much of a Dancer

Let me start out by saying that I love the NCAA Tournament. It's one of the few major sporting events that actually succeeds in getting me pumped up and that lives up to the media-fueled hype machine (unlike, oh, say, the Super Bowl). Though to be fair, a good portion of that adrenaline comes from the endless string of Round 1 and 2 Cinderella upsets and the annoyingly fantastic CBS theme song. By the time the Final Four rolls around my attention has usually waned and the games never seem as exciting, much less memorable. The best part about the Final Four itself is usually the ending montage set to power ballads, memorable for it's replays (usually with audio) of the stirring aforementioned Round 1 and 2 upsets.

But regardless of the excitement which will kick in come Thursday and seriously threaten to impede my productivity at work, I find myself more than a bit lukewarm to college sports, especially college basketball. A variety of factors are at play here, the most prevalent being laziness.

I've found that as I get older and farther removed from college (shaking my fist at youth and applauding authority) I just lack the desire to keep up. It just all seems like too much work. Thus when the brackets are announced, my ignorance causes me to feign mock anger and exhilaration. "What, Drexel got the SHAFT!" I cry, not knowing where Drexel is even located, much less their overall record or how many 'quality road wins' they have. "How could Georgetown NOT get a one seed?" I lament, knowing only that Georgetown never seems to have any white guys and that Patrick Ewing went there. I look to my wife for approval but she fails to look up from her magazine. The cat seems disinterested in my concerns as well.

I know. I'm a Communist. I apologize. Here are some random observations from a lapsed college hoops fan (and Catholic. Sorry Mom).

- I went to a smaller school (Northern Iowa). Now I would be more than willing to keep up with the Panthers, but how many UNI games do you think get broadcast in Chicago? If you guessed 'one', you would be correct and I may or may not make out with you. Then of course there are the Iowa Hawkeyes. I think our own Chip plans on expounding on this later, but the Hawks just don't cut it for me anymore. For starters, Steve Alford is a douche who seemingly can't afford a decent suit, much less coach his team to a win. And then there's the whole fact that they haven't been exciting to watch (or necessarily good, per se) since the Dr. Tom era. Every year they should be good, but alas they are just not. And Iowa State? They stopped being interesting as soon as they canned Larry Eustachy for getting wasted and hitting on co-eds. The Golden Age of Cyclone basketball. Thus, I'm really a man without a team. My only legitimate options here in Chicago are Illinois, DePaul, Notre Dame and Northwestern. Hmmm..yeah...I think I'm gonna go cuddle up with a good book instead. Gay, yes. But a man out of options is a desperate man indeed.

- I'm married now and work 50 hours a week. I just don't have the kind of time dedicated to keep up. I mean goddamn it, there are over 100 teams. That is just uncalled for. Couple that with the fact that they don't have their names on their jerseys and that a good portion of the season is spent competing with football and I'm already behind the eight ball. I try to live a somewhat well rounded existence. That means I have to try to keep up on politics, movies, books, television, world events and adult shit like finances and real estate. That leaves precious little time to memorize the numbers of Marquette's starting five.

- While surely I understand the merits and relative innocence of college sports, college basketball is pretty far down on my list of favorite sports. If I had to rank, it would look something like this: MLB, NFL, College Football, NBA*, College Basketball (I've heard people mention something called 'hockey', but I think that's only considered a sport in Canada). Pro sports have less teams to keep track of, and you've already heard of all the players because they were the best the college world had to offer. And they have names on their jerseys. Nice. Anyway, when I ration out my time, that leaves about five minutes and 36 seconds per year to spend on college basketball.

- I can tell you this. Robert Parish did not retire. He plays for Ohio State under the alias 'Greg Oden'. Can we sanction an investigation? He's like the 30 year old Cuban kid that sneaks into the Little League World Series every year with a doctored birth certificate. The man is in his late 40's. He's only a few years away from collecting pension. And can we stop hearing about how he's playing with 'one hand'? Man is he milking that. I think he's been at 100% for months now but he wants to ride this 'one hand' thing for as long as possible. "How good could he be with two hands?" C'mon people. You're being had.

- I don't like it in college basketball when a team wins and they run towards the camera pulling their jerseys outward with their thumbs to show who they play for. Dude, I know you go to Florida A&M, but you know what? I'm not really givin' a shit, truth be told.

But you know what? All that said I'm still supremely excited for the next couple of weeks. I'll be taking more than the allotted hour for lunch. I will fill out the obiligitory office brackets, picking one that is fairly straightforward and one with lots of 12 seed over 5 seed upsets and Missiouri Valley Cinderellas. And I'm positively giddy with joy at the prospect of yelling nonsensical things at Billy Packer. If nothing else, the end of the tourney signifies the beginning of baseball. Bring on the Madness.

*To clarify, by 'NBA' I refer to the Bulls, and only the Bulls. I realize that no one really follows the NBA as a whole.

Warm Natty Light brings out the middle-aged sexual predator in all of us.

Go Panthers! UNI vs. Iowa Tonight

It's only three hours until Hawk Panther Time!

When it comes to basketball, I hate the Iowa Hawkeyes. Wait, wait, wait, let me go back. I used to love the Hawkeyes. Then that ass clown Steve Alfraud came to town and made a mockery of the program. After the way he handled the Pierre Pierce debacle I have imposed a personal boycott of the team until his ass is out of Iowa City.

Luckily for me, my alma mater, the University of Northern Iowa has been pretty decent in recent years, making it to the tournament the last three seasons. And tonight the two face off in their annual game, which should once again be a good one to watch. Of course, unless you live in or near Eastern Iowa, or you have the ESPN Full Court package, you probably won't get to see this. In recent years the home team usually wins, with the Hawks getting the upperhand at Carver-Hawkeye, and the Panthers taking advantage in the UNI-Dome. Tonight's game is at Iowa so you'd have to consider them the favorites.

UNI, has looked good so far this year, with their only loss coming to #15 Washington. Last week they beat Iowa State, (Who just lost to Drake by the way. Seriously, no one loses to Drake!) but Iowa should be a tougher foe than the Cyclones. Leading the Panthers are seniors Brooks McKowen and Grant Stout, and junior Eric Coleman. McKowen has taken over at guard for sharp-shooting Ben Jacobsen who graduated last year, while Stout and Coleman have provided the Panthers with a tough frontcourt. Coleman is averaging 8.7 rebounds per game while Stout has 8.0. UNI is known for their tough defense as opponents are damn lucky to score more than 65-70 points in a game against them.

Iowa is led by senior guard Adam Haluska, who's averaging 18.5 ppg. After dropping four straight games to Alabama, Villanova, Arizona State and Virginia Tech, the Hawkeyes have bounced back with two wins over cupcakes Coppin State and Texas Pan-American.

So here's to the Panthers trouncing the goddamn Hawkeyes tonight. Of course with the way things have gone in the past regarding the home teams, I'm pretty much figuring Iowa to win this one. Go Panthers, and go Missouri Valley Conference while we're at it. Let's have another great showing in March Madness and prove to the country yet again that Billy Packer is the biggest douchebag of them all, because let's face it, seeing a mid-major kick ass is better than watching the seventh best team in a power conference go nowhere in the tourney.