2016 Team Preview: The 2016 Texas Rangers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today, we put our shit kickers on and head down south to check out those whiskey swillin', cocaine lovin' Texas Rangers.

Prince Fielder: Nude and inconclusive.

 2015 Finish: 88-74 (1st Place in AL West)

So Long: Yovanni Gallardo, Mike Napoli, Will Venable, Leonys Martin

Welcome: Tom Wilhemsen, Justin Ruggiano, AJ Griffin, Ian SUPERSTAR Desmond, Ike "Could Try Harder" Davis

Projected Lineup
1. Delino DeShields Jr, CF
2. Shin-Soo Choo, RF
3. Prince Fielder, DH
4. Adrian Beltre, 3B
5. Mitch Moreland, 1B
6. Ian Desmond, LF 
7. Rougned Odor, 2B
8. Elvis Andrus, SS 

9. Robinson Chirinos, C

Starting Rotation: Cole Hamels, Martin Perez, Colby Lewis, Derek Holland, Yu Darvish (eventually)
Bullpen: Sam Dyson, Keone Kela, Jake Diekman, Tom Wilhemsen, other guys I haven't heard of and you don't give a shit about
Closer: Sean Tolleson

Disabled List: Yu Darvish, Josh Hamilton (heaven needed another drug addict), Tanner Scheppers 

Country Lyric That Describes their 2015 season:
"Now a solo cup is the best receptacle, for barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals. And you sir, do not have a pair of testicles, if you prefer drinking from a glass." 
- Toby Keith, Red Solo Cup

So, for my first post-9/11 writing assignment for TMS, I draw the Texas Rangers, a team that is neither egregiously offensive (other than the fact that they're in Texas), nor terribly exciting. They're just kind of there. It's like reading a 2.5 star review of a movie, devoid of the kind of hyperbole that gets you really excited to see a movie, or the vitriol and snark that makes reading critical pans so enjoyable. That said, if you want to stop reading now (you probably already have) and go check out animal videos on Buzzfeed, by all means. 

Last year was supposed to be a rebuilding year of sorts for the Ranger, but they ended up trading for Cole Hamels mid-way through the season and pretty soon they were like, "Fuck it, we actually have a shot at this". They made the playoffs on the last day of the season against the division rival Angels, in a game that I hold near and dear to my cold, dead heart, as Garrett Richards' 3 ER had huge implications in my fantasy championship match-up ("dude, no one cares about your fantasy team"). So thank you, Texas. Alas, they were promptly eliminated by the Blue Jays in the playoffs and by the following morning, all of the water cooler talk had already shifted to the Cowboys. 

This year brings higher expectations, although they'll have to fend off a dick-punching Houston team and a Seattle squad that has "trendy sleeper" written all over it, thanks to jettisoning their human albatross of a manager, Lloyd McClendon. The A's look pretty terrible and boring (of course, they always do and still win in spite of that) and the Angels are wasting the prime years of Mike Trout. So for once, they may not have to worry about those two assholes. 

2016 will be another sweaty year in Arlington (seriously, I start sweating like Marlon Brando just watching their home games on TV) with high hopes and inevitably, crushed dreams. And admittedly, they were a lot cooler when they had the original Coked Up Werewolf, Ron Washington, at the helm. But they have a solid core of veterans, some intriguing young guys knocking on the door and they serve Lone Star beer at the stadium, so it could be a lot worse. Wild Card or GTFO! 

We miss you, Wash.

Reason to Watch: Yu Darvish. When he comes back (May/June), he'll be a huge boost in the arm to a rotation that gainfully employs Martin Perez and Colby Lewis. He's one of those rare pitchers that I'd actually pay to watch pitch, with a dick-in-the-dirt arsenal capable of striking out 15+ guys any time he takes to the mound. Aside from Ichiro, he's definitely the "Asian ballplayer I'd most like to have a Sapporo with" (along with his translator of course; otherwise it might just be awkward). 


Reason to Drink: Until Darvish gets back, the starting rotation kind of falls off a cliff after Cole Hamels. Colby Lewis somehow won 17 games, defying any sort of metric you want to apply to his "pitching". Martin Perez couldn't strike me out and Derek Holland will be hurt before you get done reading this. But for God sake, if you're going to drink, please, I beg of you, don't do it in front of Josh Hamilton. 

The Fans: I have no idea. They seem jovial enough come playoff time. I imagine a bunch of old-money rich people that are super nice to you as long as you're Caucasian. Ladies with big hair and old guys that call Tommy Buzanis a dear friend. They're probably very leery of the concession workers. But then again, I like to think the worst of people. Honestly, the Rangers are probably just a cute diversion until football starts. 

"Hey, at least I'm not Ted Cruz. Hehehe."

Their Worst Contract: Thank Christ they aren't on the hook for much of Josh Hamilton's $28M salary, although even paying $2M of that seems a bit much for a human paper weight. So let's give this distinction to Elvis Andrus. His defense is perfectly cromulent, but $15M a year is a bit much for a light hitting SS who doesn't get on base enough and puts up replacement level numbers. Could try harder. 

Fantasy Standout: Prince Fielder. As a kid, I loved Prince's dad, Cecil. Look at that fat guy let er' rip! Remember that time he hit one out of Tiger Stadium? What a glorious, pre-roid era, home run hitting son of a bitch. Anyway, I think Prince might have daddy issues, but that's neither here nor there. Prince is still pretty good, especially in OBP leagues, but you'd hope that fat man could hit the ball over the fence with a little more regularity. 

These two single-handedly kept Little Caesars in business during some (ironically) lean years.

Fantasy Bust: I love Delino DeShields like an adopted son (if he were white, he'd be "scrappy"), but with Dave Kingman Joey Gallo and Nomar Mazara waiting in the wings, he's one prolonged slump away from being relegated to permanent Eric Young Jr career status. 

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: A Melissa McCarthy movie. Generally inoffensive, and maybe even entertaining in parts, but there are probably better things to Redbox. 

Thunder Matt's Saloon: Best of Movies 2009

Hot on the heels (no) of our critically acclaimed and tepidly anticipated Best Of Music Lists comes this year's (last year's?) Best of Movies List. Since only a select few of us even get the chance to see more than a few films (non-porno) each year, these lists are sad and limp, like The Hundley that time he ran out of Cialis.

So without further ado, here's a hastily cobbled together list of movies for you to mock, ignore and bury at the bottom of your Netflix queue. Lights, camera, Jews!

Chaim Witz

1. Up in the Air – A pitch perfect adult dramedy that didn’t really excel in one particular area, but stuck with me for weeks after I saw it. Probably because I was worried about getting fired, but that's neither here nor there.

2. (500) Days of Summer – Always a sucker for a twee indie comedy with a hipster soundtrack, I fell head over heels and out of my skinny jeans for this rom com. The Hall and Oates montage probably bumped it up 2 or 3 spots on this list.

3. The Hangover – A Zach Galifiankis nerd from way back (“I liked him way before G-Force”), I had a feeling I’d love this movie as soon as I saw the poster. Classic instincts!

4. The Hurt Locker - Clunky title aside, this was one of the most intense experiences I’ve had at the movies in quite some time. I pooped my pants more times than Milton Bradley with men on base.

5. Away We Go - Probably hit home due to the fact that, like the pseudo hipster couple in the movie, Mrs. Witz and I just recently had our first child and, like said couple, also have no idea what we're doing. We saw this one right after we found out that our lives would be forever changed (for the better mind you)...I even got the idea for my Dad Beard from Jim from The Office. Maya Rudolph turns in one of the more underrated and affecting performances of the year.

6. Moon - I'm naturally predispositioned to like movies that take place in the jungle, space or a post-apocalyptic landscape. That said, I loved this space yarn. Sam Rockwell lends his considerable talents to this film that either steals from or pays homage to, 2001 Space Odyssey.

7. Inglorious Basterds – Allowing for a few Tarantino egotistical asides, this beautifully shot film is the Brad Pitt Nazi Movie that the world has waited for since he burst onto the scene shirtless in Thelma and Louise.

8. Avatar – It’s like they brought that Eiffel 65 song to life on the silver screen!

9. Star Trek – I hate nerds, but I loved this decidedly less nerdy version of Pocket Protectors in Space.

10. Adventureland – Reinforces my inkling that I should have been a carnie.

11. Drag Me To Hell – This movie was “grossly” entertaining! WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA!

12. Youth In Revolt - Technically this came out in 2010, but technically I'm a heterosexual as well.

Honorable Mention: Nice try assholes!

The Road - Post apocalyptic shenanigans, Oprah approved.

District 9 – A (relatively) thinking man’s Predator

Whip It – I hugged Drew Barrymore

Tyson – Face tattoo!

I Love You Man – I hate the band Rush, or this may have ranked higher.

Renters:

Crazy Heart – Jeff Bridges is great though.

Watchmen – Blue penis!

Last House on the Left – Pretty scary when you watch it at a bed in breakfast on the lake.

Up – Not as good as Wall E or Ratatouille.

Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wanted to love it, just liked it. Seems like it would get better with repeat viewings.

Minor Disappointments, Like Me

Bruno, Public Enemies, Funny People, Paranormal Activity, The Men Who Stare At Goats, Sherlock Holmes, IN the Loop

Worst Movies of the Year

Miss March, My Life in Ruins, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Time Traveler’s Wife, Couples Retreat

White Chili

Up in the Air - Having lost a job in 2009 with a lot of other people, watching a movie about a guy whose job it is to fire people for a living was an interesting experience for me. It's not why I ranked it at the top of my list, but it did provide a personal touch. Clooney does an excellent job in this timely and very well-told story by a young Jason Reitman, who also gave us Juno and Thank You For Smoking. Great job.

The Hurt Locker - I'm pretty sure that my asshole didn't unpucker for the duration of this movie. Holy crap was this intense. It starts off with the line "war is a drug", and goes off in a white knuckle bomb-diffusing rally from there. It was nice to see how excellent attention to how the subtleties of a scene are filmed goes so much further than just having a couple of huge CGI robots fire their missiles to knock the asses of some other huge CGI robots through the Eiffel Tower.

Avatar - The acting is not Oscar worthy and the story is essentially Dances With Wolves meets Fern Gully. Having said that, this was the most fun I've had at the movies that I can remember. I'm not a fan of the recent 3D fad with movies and I was worried that Cameron would unnecessarily have a spear fly into the audience or something. Not the case. It was very tastefully done. So much so that I'm worried about what the movie will be like without it. The special effects are tremendous and the last battle scene (which lasts for about 45 minutes) knocked my dick so far in the dirt that I have a new girlfriend in China to introduce to the folks. Go see it.

Up - All I knew going into this movie was an old guy had a house suspended with balloons. I wasn't sure how that translated into a feature-length film but Pixar hadn't given me a reason to doubt them. They still haven't. A word of warning: the first 20 minutes or so rivals Bambi for a sad beginning and had the woman in the seat next to me balling uncontrollably. I, on the other hand, just had something in my eye.

The Hangover - Funniest movie of the year. People will be quoting this one for years to come. Each subsequent viewing has made me want to go back to Vegas that much more. I sure hope they don't ruin it with a sequel. I just have one question. Is this the real Caesar's Palace?

Star Trek - JJ Abrams did a fantastic job with creating a new adaptation of the series. He certainly did his homework evidenced by enlisting a superb cast and keeping true to the smallest of details. He may have gone a bit overboard with the lens flares but for the most part the special effects were excellent. Also, Tyler Perry!

Watchmen - I think a lot of people saw this without having read the graphic novel and came out of the theater wondering just what the hell they saw. I read through it first and appreciated the attention to detail the producers of the film paid. The casting was perfect, the soundtrack was very appropriate and even a change to the original story was done in such a way that many fans have said was an improvement. I think this one got a bad rap and certainly didn't live up to the huge hype.

Funny People - I expected this to be unexpected, and enjoyed the result. This is not a typical Sandler funny face/voice experience. I liked how Sandler was able to actually do a bit of acting and portray a man having to deal with some very real problems. He also used his character to poke a bit of fun at the caliber of movies he has been known to churn out. The movie tends to run a bit long and could have probably been a bit better had they shaved off 20 minutes. Nobody likes those bushy films from the 70s.

Tyson - Say what you will about Iron Mike, this documentary was very well done. Not only did I learn quite a bit, Tyson came across as humble and honest about a great many things. If you have any interest in the sport of boxing, this is a must. Leave any preconceived notions you may have at the door and I think you'll enjoy this.

Inglorious Basterds - Better than I thought it would be. The opening scene is very well done and Christopher Waltz plays an excellent villain who clearly is in love with his job and himself. It would have been nice if the war actually played out like this.

Worst of the Year

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I'm not normally one to declare such superlatives as my favorite band or least favorite melon (C'mon, Honeydew right?) but this movie may be the worst movie I've ever seen. The only hope is that it is, in fact, actually an art commentary piece in which case Michael Bay might be the smartest human being who has ever lived.

The Hundley

Best to worst:

Sugar - Totally changed the way I look at drugs in baseball and how I view Latin baseball immigrants.

It Might Get Loud - Guitar porn of the highest order.

500 Days of Summer - Easily the best comedy of the last 3 years that I can watch with my wife.

Taken - Lots of action + Liam Neeson + sex trafficking = enjoyable x 2!!

Star Trek - This prequel is infinitely better than what the Star Wars franchise did, and with about 300% less hype.

Inglorious Basterds - Oh really, Tarantino is affiliated? Shoddy plot and odd and uncomfortable cameos aside (Office guy, Mike Myers), a solid film, especially the performance by Christoph Waltz.

Tyson - Even though 50% of it is probably untrue, this is a captivating documentary. DVD 'extras' are a must-see here as well.

The Hangover - More Zach Galifianakis, please

9 (The Tim Burton one) - Special effects skeet!

A Christmas Carol 3D - Special effects skeet AND a timeless story!

Sherlock Holmes - Who knew Sherlie was into MMA? And where the fuck was the tweed coat and Sherlock cap?

District 9 - A reach, but decent. Lead actor reminds me of Murray from Flight of the Conchords.

Brothers - Shame on you, Jim Sheridan. I expected WAY more

The Watchmen - When will I learn not to expect anything of a book-to-movie film?

My Bloody Valentine - Worst one I saw in '09, fo sho

Daft Funk

There's no greater testament to how strong 2009's movies were overall than looking at the list of films I enjoyed immensely but still couldn't squeeze into my list. Whether you like pitch-black comedy (Observe and Report, World's Greatest Dad), off-beat documentaries (It Might Get Loud, Tyson, Anvil!) or a warm and fuzzy tale of political murder and revenge in Northern Ireland (Five Minutes of Heaven), there are many many fantastic films from last year that didn't make it onto any end of year lists. There just wasn't enough room. That's what she said.

Here are my top 20 movies of the year in alphabetical order. Why 20? Because I traded Chip Wesley a bottle of 10 High for his list. Why alphabetical? Just to mess with you, specifically. Yeah you. I'm watching you as you read this. I do like what you've done with your hair today...

1. (500) Days Of Summer - This movie is proof that if you take a generic romantic comedy and put a different spin on the way you tell the story, you can make a movie that stands out from the pack. Yes, it centers around the mythical MPDG, but Joseph Gordon Levitt joining the UCLA marching band for a musical number set to Hall and Oates can overcome just about anything.

2. A Serious Man - I bestow the honor of the 2009 "Arcturus Goreo Award" on this film. Much like the mythical cookie, the movie is bookended by a beginning and finish that are a bit bizarre, but the center is full of delicious Cohen Brothers frosting. Better make sure that cookie is kosher when viewing this film.

3. Assassination of a High School President - One very important thing I learned this year is that just because a movie goes straight to DVD doesn't mean it isn't good. As far as high school mysteries go, it's not as cerebral as Rian Johnson's excellent Brick, but it's not going to completely confuse you either. Plus there's a naked girl. And Bruce Willis. You're out of excuses.

4. Away We Go - I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It made me look forward to having kids one day. Then I went to the mall on a Sunday afternoon and I'm back to normal again.

5. Bad Lieutenant - It seems like Nicholas Cage got all the "bad" acting out of his system early in the year with Knowing because what he does in this movie is nothing short of brilliant. Full of one-liners, dancing souls, iguanas and fat Val Kilmer, this will most likely go down as my favorite Nicholas Cage movie of all time. And this is coming from someone who watches Raising Arizona and Face/Off on a regular basis.

6. Black Dynamite - Black Dynamite kung-fu fights RICHARD NIXON! If that's not enough to get you to add this blaxploitation throwback to your Netflix cue, you're on the wrong website.

7. Bronson - Michael Peterson is a real-life British criminal who has spent most of his entire life in solitary confinement for a number of crimes. If you had Guy Richie drop 4 hits of acid and direct a film about him, it would be this movie. The absolute insanity in this film reminded me of the first time I saw Fight Club. Easily one of the top 3 movies I saw in 2009.

8. Cold Souls - Paul Giamatti playing Paul Giamatti. Soul extraction services. Russian soul trafficking. The best movie Charlie Kaufmann wishes he wrote.

9. District 9 - The only complaint I have about this movie is that it switches from faux documentary to straight up action flick without much explanation. I wish it would have stayed one or the other. But that's me being seriously picky to try and find something I didn't care for in this movie. FOOK!

10. House of the Devil/Drag Me To Hell - Both of these films reminded me that, in a world full of Hostels and Friday the 13th remakes, fun and scary movies are still being made. While Drag Me To Hell pushes on the gas for the entire film, house of the Devil takes about 2/3 of the movie just setting up the Hitchcockian tension. But when you get to the payoff, you'll be crying for your mother.

11 - In The Loop - The Office meets the Bush White House. Sure, a lot of the characters are stock, but in a movie with so many characters and so much going on, there isn't a lot of depth that they can be given. Nothing beats seeing James Gandolfini telling someone he looks "like squeezed dick". I still don't know if I get that, but it made me laugh.

12. Inglorious Basterds - In a watershed year for war movies, Basterds is easily the most fun and balls-to-the-wall crazy. Who cares if the ending isn't what really happened in WWII? Ah wahnt mah scalps!

13. Moon - Much like how the movies listed at #10 made me feel better about the state of horror movies, films like Moon let me sleep better knowing that thought provoking sci-fi movies are still alive and well. While I feel like the "reveal" of the film happened too soon, that is but a small complaint in a movie carried by Sam Rockwell. And Sam Rockwell. Heh heh...I said "moon" and "reveal". Sounds like high school all over again.

14. Star Trek - I hated all Star Trek television shows and avoided all but one of the movies before this summer's "reboot" of sorts. I don't care if it had plotholes you could drive the Enterprise through or that everything was too shiny. I had a blast watching this movie. It needed more Eric Bana though. Then again, I think that about 95% of the movies I see.

15. Sugar/Big Fan - Just like 500 Days of Summer showed how romantic comedies can be done in new and exciting ways, Big Fan and Sugar were refreshing alternatives to the washed up, inspirational sports movies Disney vomits out every year. Want an ultra-real tale of what it's really like to be a Dominican player trying to break into the major leagues? Want to see what happens to the biggest NY Giants fan in the world when he gets attacked by his favorite player? Snap these two movies up and thank me later. With money.

16. Taken - Story? Why would you need story when Liam Neeson can kick ass all across Europe for an hour and a half?

17. The Hangover - I can't tell whether this movies was insanely funny or if the quality of comedies these days are so poor that The Hangover stood out more than usual. Either way, it's the most quotable comedy to come along since Anchorman. Classic!

18. The Hurt Locker - Alphabetical order or not, this was by far the best movie I saw all year. Just thinking about this movie again weeks later makes my hands sweat. Aside from an odd side-story involving a young Iraqi kid, this movie will Stranglehold you with its tension for 2 hours. Yes, that means this movie is Nugent Approved.

19. The Messenger - The second best movie about the Iraq war of 2009? Forget the emolicious Brothers and watch the underrated Woody Harrelson and the even-more underrated Ben Foster go door to door telling families that their loved ones have been killed in war. And Steve Buscemi has a supporting role, so you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

20. Up In The Air - Fantastic acting and directing make this movie a lot better than I would have thought. It really did come out at the perfect time and is the first movie to really take a close look at the economy we live in right now. My one complaint? Not enough Jason Bateman. Not enough Patrick Bateman either. Not quite blonde, are we? More of a dirty blonde...

Special Awards:

Most Disappointing: Bruno - I loved Borat. This movie...just wasn't funny. "Oh, you're dressed in a leather harness and humping the security guard at the zoo. Then what?"

Worst Ending: Knowing - Wait, so were they aliens or angels? Scientologists? An emo band? Just give me the answer!

Most Boring: Public Enemies - Never has there been a movie with so many actors I enjoy and a director I love that made me wish it was over so I could leave.

Best Use of Fake Genetalia (Make and Female): Antichrist - I still can't tell if this movie was genius or the worst thing I've ever seen. And I don't want to watch it again to find out because...well...I'm not a fan of multiple counts of genital mutilation.

Chip Wesley

1. New Moon
2. New Moon
3. New Moon
4. Taylor Lautner on SNL
5. Leaked trailer for Twilight: Eclipse on Access Hollywood
6. New Moon
7. New Moon
8. Robert Pattinson Pepsi Commercial
9. Wilford Brimley's Diabetes Dancemix
10. Waiting in line for New Moon with other New Moon fans, discussing our hopes, dreams and favorite/least favorite teachers.

Chip Wesley's REAL List (Even gayer than the fake one!)

Alright, so I don't see enough movies to have a formal best of list and I've been told I can't list New Moon 10 times. So instead here's a list of every movie I saw that was released in 2009, good or bad.

I Love You, Man - Paul Rudd and Jason Segal have some quotable lines and any movie with Lou Ferigno gets my approval. Grade: B

Monsters vs. Aliens - Having kids now, this is the type of flick in my wheelhouse any more. Overally pretty good. Some pop culture references will become dated over time. Grade: B-

Adventureland - Chaim Witz and I nearly had a limp-wristed slapfight over this one. He likes this movie while I hated it. The overall story was good but the acting sucked ass. Eisenberg and Stewart were a horrible couple and Ryan Reynolds' performance had "I'm mailing this in, just give me my paycheck" written all over it. A decent movie fallen victim to bad casting. Grade: C-

17 Again - Cheesy, dumb, mindless. Those are what I expected going in, and that's what I got out of it. I'll grade this better than Adventureland simply because my low expectations didn't lead me to disappointment. That and an outtake where Jim Gaffigan says "I have diarrhea," after saying his scripted line. Grade: C

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Better than X-Men 3 but not as good as X-Men. Watching will.i.am get killed by a mutant was a plus at least. Grade: B-

Star Trek - J.J. Abrams reboots the franchise for a new generation. This ain't your nerdy basement-dwelling uncle's Star Trek! I've never been a fan of the series but after seeing Abrams version I'm on board for this one. Grade: B+

Up - Pixar once again doesn't disappoint. Then again have they ever disappointed? If you don't count that time Owen Wilson was a talking car, then no, no they haven't. Grade: A-

The Hangover - One of the best comedies in years and finally a chance for mainstream audiences to see the brilliance of Zack Galiafinakis. Grade: A

Food, Inc. - Serious eye-opening documentary about our national food supply. In the end it really just made me feel shittier about myself when I eat quarter pounders. Grade: B+

The Proposal - Mediocre romantic comedy that could've been slightly better if Sandra Bullock was remotely likable in it. Grade: C-

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Way better than the book! (NOTE: I haven't read the book) Grade: B

The Ugly Truth - Cliche and formulaic comedy that gets bonus points for being raunchier than expected. Katherine Heigl, will you please just show your tits already? No one believes a sex scene where you wear your bra the whole time. Grade: C

It Might Get Loud - Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge talk about their life as a guitarist. Great film if you love rock music, or any of the bands these three have played in. Watching it made me want to listen to all my Zeppelin albums again. Grade: B

"Assholes."

It's Kurtains

Today, the Sultan of Stubble called it a career, and a remarkable one at that. Unlike some other aging QB's, we can probably take this one at his word.

Always a TMS favorite (particularly of yours truly), Captain Kurt leaves behind a memorable and wholly unique, if inexplicable, legacy. Kurt was one of the good guys, which was both his blessing and his curse. He didn't have the pedigree of a Manning, the aw shucks charm of a Favre, the GQ suave of a Brady or the athleticism of...well, anyone really. His spiky haired wife (who has now settled into hot cougar mode) and huge mancrush on God made him an easy target for sarcastic bloggers and the like, and he never hosted SNL or starred in his own Mastercard commercial.

His career was an exercise in perseverance, where nothing came easy, even if at times he made playing his position seem that way. Because of this perseverance, he was not only able to resurrect his career, but two of the most downtrodden franchises in NFL history along the way. He retires one of the most accurate and feared passers in NFL history, whose storybook life, big game moxie and cache of records have assured him a place in Canton.

From one Panther to another, Kurt I salute you. Those wings at BW3's won't taste the same without you.

Merry KISSMAS!

From Chaim Witz and the Saloon, to you and your family, specifically your wives and girlfriends, we wish you a very Merry Christmas (or other non-Christian sponsored holiday).

Chaiming In: Holiday Edition

My God, I leave this place for a few months and it all goes to pot. Is this thing on? Does this website work? Are we on the Internet? Is this live? Does my mother still check this site? What about Daft's Mom? (I'm pulling out (of) all of the oldies but goodies!). Let's get down to the bullet points for the last man standing, ergo, reading.

• I'm being told in my earpiece that there is going to be some new site launching in a few months that is kind of like that cartoon Voltron, whatever that means. Did I let the cat out of the bag? I don't know. But if you were burned when you invested in shares of Pomp Culture, you might want to sit this one out. The details are sketchy, but I can only imagine it involves pornography, t-shirts with wolves, Twittering, the sale of banned prescription drugs, and in some form or another, The Cubs. From all indications, it will involve several new writers and some old ones. The Hundley has been asked to return. Jordi Scrubbings has not.
• Avatar, for the most part, lives up to the $300 million dollar hype. See it in 3D though, for the love of the Blue Man Group. The visuals are amazing and the last 45 minutes are really unlike anything you've ever witnessed. It's far from the perfect movie: the story is rife with cliches, Sam Worthington's acting is as stiff as Tommy Buzanis on a Cialis bender and things begin to drag about 90 minutes in before picking up again. That said, the action scenes and visuals (the previews don't do them justice) more than compensate for the films flaws, none of which prove fatal. The line, 'you need to see this on the big screen' is probably overused in this day and age of HDTVs and surround sound, but make no doubt about it: you need to see this on the big screen...and in 3D if at all possible. I had a myriad of doubts going in, but walked out of the film a believer. A very solid B+.
• On the other end of the spectrum is Up in the Air, starring the dashing and well-spoken George Clooney. I don't really feel like giving a detailed review (I'm not your goddamn father), only to say that it is very good, even if it is the antithesis of Avatar. I'm not sure we should crown it Best Picture already like some circles already have, but I can't imagine anyone leaving this one disappointed. Solid entertainment the discerning adult and contemporary male. Let's give this one a B+ as well.
• "New Fang" by Them Crooked Vultures could very well be the Single of the Year (right up there with Pearl Jam's "The End"). The rest of the album? The jury is still out, but my dick is still in my pants.
  
• A War Hero on cheese and crackers is forthcoming. Don't agree with me on that one? Then, by all means, log off the Internet and log onto me murdering you while you sleep.
• It took me a while to warm up to it, but that show Modern Family on ABC is really good. A poor man's Arrested Development, it's finally given me something to watch on day other than Thursday. For the sake of continuity, lets give that one a B+ as well.
• Lots of noise being made about Milton Bradley. I'm trying to keep a safe distance away from the hoopla because A) I need a mental break from the Cubs after last season and B) I don't like Milton Bradley and would just prefer that I wake up on April 1st to find him not in the lineup, upon which I will just logically assume that the Cubs managed to trade him for a warm body whose testicles have dropped and has an inclination to hustle and smile (preferably at the same time).
  
• Raves: the song 'Relator' (shockingly enough, sung by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson), Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits, NFL playoff races, mole sauce, Amazon Prime, Flip Video Ultra HD, HP Pavilion dv6T laptop, Sabra hummus, Simply Limeade, cars with butt warmers.
• Rants: Semi-trucks, freezing temperatures, grinches, impatient drivers, getting sweets as a Christmas present, genocide.

Person of Interest: Guy On a Bike at Night

Hey you. Yeah, jackass with the skinny jeans, unkempt beard and thrift store t-shirt. Yeah you, asshole. Riding your bike at night? Not cool. Riding without any sort of reflectors or lights? Well, all I can say is that you deserve whats coming to you, be it an accidental run in with a rogue car door or me purposely running you off the road into the storefront window of a record store that you probably work at part time.

Listen, I love a good bike ride, I really do. Get some fresh air, get the blood flowing, see the beautiful sights of Chicago. It's economical, it's good for your body and it helps clear the mind. But for the love of Lance Armstrong's one remaining testicle, just stop with the reckless night time bike riding. Given the fact that the majority of most roadways don't have dedicated bike lanes and the streets here are skinner than your emo-stunted cock make this practice even more absurd.

If you want to do some organized late ride, that's cool. But when I see you run a stop sign, hog the lane or flippantly dismiss the rules of the road, I can't help but want to see bodily harm come to you. At the very least, I'd like to go to your house, drink all of your PBR, switch all of your radio presets to HOT A/C, superglue the pages of your graphic novels and show your girlfriend how a real man makes love.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings (no I'm not). You can always take solace in the fact that Death Cab for Cutie are still releasing albums and no one has touched your soy milk that's been sitting in the work fridge for a solid 6 weeks. Better hop on the ole' 12 speed and head over to Jewel at midnight to replace that shit and buy a pack of Lucky Strikes. Just know that I'll be in my car....watching....waiting...

Ha Ha, Look at You!

Wow. Just wow. Up by 6 with less than two minutes to play and you elect to go for it on 4th and 2 on your own 28? You don't make it, Peyton gets the ball on the 25....ballgame. The Evil Genius costs his team the game and home field advantage in the playoffs in one fell swoop.

I honestly can't recall a more irresponsible coaching decision in all of my grizzled, slightly homosexual days, especially in such a crunch time spot. A lesser coach would be fired. If he were a soccer coach, he'd likely be murdered. (No joke)

As The Hundley aptly stated, 'Ego is a bitch'. Guess that sleeveless hoodie/cum towel is gonna be used to dry the tears of New England tonight Billy Boy!

Bill Belichick: This couldn't have happened to a bigger asshole. Love it!

The Team With Jerry Hairston Jr Won

"Good game Jerry."

"Thanks man. You too."

TMS Music: KISS - Sonic Boom

Things That Make You Go Boom


Release Date: October 6th - Wal Mart exclusive (gross, I know)

Nearly 11 years have passed since the release of the last KISS studio album, the generally underwhelming Psycho Circus. Since then, the band has experienced breakups, makeups, Farewell Tours, Kaskets, Kondoms, embarrassing reality shows, Peter Criss solo albums, and of course, 9/11. Now they are back with Sonic Boom, purported to be the best KISS album since Abbey Road or the four 1978 solo albums, I can't remember which.

A self professed KISS geek*, I admittedly haven't been this excited for an album since...well, probably Psycho Circus. For the last month I've been frequenting KISSONLINE like The Hundley frequents those chat rooms you always hear about on Dateline. KISS message boards, rumor mills, song samples...honestly, I've really been shirking my impending duties as a expectant father in favor of the the Hottest Band in the World. Help pick out a primary color for the nursery? But wait, did you see Tommy Thayer's new boots?

This time around, gone are lead guitarist Ace Frehley and drummer Peter Criss in favor of Eric Singer (who used to be in the band back in the one non-makeup era where they actually were kind of badass) and Tommy Thayer. Some fans cry foul that Tommy and Eric are wearing Ace and Peter's makeup, but to me it's a moot point. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley own the rights to the designs (after Peter and Ace sold those rights), and at this point I've resigned myself to the fact that KISS is more of a brand than a band anyway, so in that regard, it makes sense. Besides, Eric Singer is a much better drummer than Creaky Pete, and while I miss Ace's drunken charisma, Tommy can play Ace's old solos better than even Ace could towards the end of his run.

Anyway, back to the music, the one aspect of KISS that they are probably least known for (or most reviled for by monocle-sporting music snobs). Produced by frontman Paul Stanley, using no outside writers, Sonic Boom represents a return to form of sorts for a band whose form has been 'flabby at best' for close to 30 years. That isn't to say that the album is a strict return to their 1970's sound per se...instead it represents the first time in a long time that the band hasn't tried to chase trends or cling to delusions of mainstream relevance. Instead, they've gotten back to basics. Good, catchy, and most importantly, fun rock tunes befitting of a band that wears white pancake makeup, high heels and more leather than a combination Rob Halford/Sturgis Motorcycle Rally-themed cocktail party (my God, what a random and wholly unsettling image that is. But I bet it would be fun, no?)

Make no mistake about it, this isn't music that will make you ponder the deeper meaning of life or gaze down glumly at your shoes. There are no inner demons here, only the Demon. The riffs are crunchy, the lyrics are raunchy, the guitar solos crackle with a decidedly vintage feel (nods to old Ace solos abound) and Gene Simmons bass playing has never been so prominent and driving.

Let's put it this way. Sometimes I watch Top Chef and crave a pretentious meal of lambshanks, foie gras and chocolate foam. Other times (mostly after I've been drinking), I crave the NFL paired with a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger Meal and a large Coke. Sonic Boom is the latter, with extra cheese.

If you're still reading and haven't logged on to Pitchfork to cleanse your palette yet, let's move on to the song by song breakdown:

1. Modern Day Delilah - A raucous start to the album, this Paul Stanley penned rocker is probably the "heaviest" song on the album and recalls their Revenge era, where Gene actually looked cool and the band had a big-time leather fetish. Killer guitar solo. 9/10

2. Russian Roulette - Gene comes out of the gates with a bassline that will make your testicles drop and lyrics with more sexual innuendos than a David Letterman company mixer. 9/10

3. Never Enough - A catchy slice of the 80's from Paul. Think 'Nothing But a Good Time' meets 'Pledge of Allegiance To the State of Rock N Roll' (which, you probably haven't heard unless you own Psycho Circus. Like I said, you probably haven't heard it.) 7/10

4. Yes I Know (Nobody's Perfect) - You want your 70's KISS? Here you go. It's even got (more) cowbell. The bridge before the chorus will stick in your head like peanut butter. It becomes apparent early on that Gene Simmons is the MVP of the album. It almost (but not quite) makes you forgive him for that abomination of a reality show, his last solo album, causing Ace to drink, and running KISS into the ground. Like I said, almost. 10/10

5. Stand - Probably the track that will have the most love/hate among fans. It might be my least favorite for now, but its something I could see growing on me, like the time I had shingles. The whole vibe reminds me of 'God Gave Rock N Roll II You'. 6/10

6. Hot and Cold - Another 70's style rocker from Gene Simmon's Wig, with a killer Frehley-esque geeeetah solo from Tommy. The lyrics are cliche and trite, but this is KISS after all, not a Thom Yorke solo album. 8/10

7. All For the Glory - Eric Singer takes the lead on the vocals with this straight ahead rocker that makes you want to drive fast and possibly buy a used Camaro if the price is right. 7/10

8. Danger Us - This is probably my second favorite Paul Stanley song on the album. Nice 70's riff with a cheese-tastic sing along chorus 'Danger you, danger me, danger us!' 9/10

9. I'm An Animal - Gene's obligatory "scary Demon" song. 'Within' meets 'God of Thunder'. Kind of has a 'Dazed and Confused' (Zeppelin) riff. Awesome old school metal scream at the end. 7/10

10. When Lightning Strikes - Tommy Thayer on vocals. This one sounds pretty 80's, and at first I really resented it...it kind of reminded me of something that would fit on the Karate Kid soundtrack. But after a few listens I'm really digging it. I'd upgrade it to the Roadhouse soundtrack instead. More cowbell! 7/10

11. Say Yeah - My early favorite track on the album. The perfect blend of old KISS with new KISS. What a great album closer and classic anthem. Say YEAH! 10/10

Overall Rating: 4 Vinnie Vincent Lawsuits Out of 5

*One of these days I will chronicle how I, the pretentious bastard of the group, became so smitten with a band that is so decidedly low-brow. It may take me around 11 years, but I've got the mullet pictures to prove it. (Fun fact: A mullet automatically gets you assigned Sergeant in the KISS Army.)

The Most Hated Man in Professional Sports

Jesus Christ. How did it come to this? The face of Wrangler, America's favorite gun-slinger...now the most annoying and despised figure in pro sports. I would argue that's it's un-American to not root for Brett Favre to fail. And this isn't just because he's a Viking. Well, some of it has to with that, but mostly just because he's an indecisive prick.

I'm Sorry Milton: I Meant to Say "Massive Disappointment Relative to Expectations"

Milton fouls off an orange before taking a called third strike.

I'm sorry Milton. I was a bit harsh. I may have had a few too many beers last night and thus, didn't really choose my words carefully. You don't really "suck", per se. As Mr. Wesley points out, you're just doing what you've always done throughout your career.

Really, it's our fault that we put these high expectations on you. Nevermind the huge contract we signed you to in the offseason. Nevermind that you signed with the Chicago Cubs, not the Washington Nationals. You're just going about the business of Milton being Milton...a highly overrated, injury-prone, walk machine with a bad attitude. We knew that coming into the season, and should adjust our expectations accordingly.

That said, relative to your career numbers, you still suck.

So Chip Wesley, an avowed Milton Bradley apologist (second only to Brant Brown...we've tried unsuccessfully to stage numerous interventions) and stat nerd, counters my argument by comparing him to Fontenot in a positive light, as if to say, "b-b-but he's way better than Mike Fontenot!"

Yeah dude, he should be. Me using Fontenot as part of my comparison was to show how terrible he is. There are literally dozens of other crappy journeymen that I could have used in place of Little Mikey Horse N' Phone to demonstrate how putrid Mr. Bradley has been.

So we can agree on this: Milton Bradley is better than Mike Fontenot. Mike Fontenot is also only making $430,000 this year and wasn't even expected to start at the beginning of the year. Milton was the Cubs' big free agent signing. Were the expectations that fans placed on him unfair? Sure they were. But this is Chicago, not Pittsburgh or Kansas City. If he wanted to fly under the radar he should have stayed in San Diego or Oakland.

So really the only stat which Mr. Wesley has to backup the argument that "Milton Bradley doesn't suck" is his OBP. And since his batting average is terrible, basically what that means is that he doesn't suck because he walks a lot. We could have signed a midget for a lot less than $10 million a year to go up there and draw walks. And if we hadn't signed Bradley (and I imagine we wouldn't be any worse off as a team if we hadn't), we would have had the money to go add an impact player at the deadline. Sigh. I blame Big Jim for that one though.

Anyway, I can counter with his deficiencies in the following categories (even compared his own uninspiring career numbers): batting average; an OPS - take that stat nerd! - that is his lowest in 7 years and that is lower than the OPS of Bobby Scales and Sam Fuld; runs scored (way too low given his superhuman ability to get on base!); RBI (b-b-b-but...SHUT UP); the ability to ever get a clutch hit; overall power numbers; on pace to match or break his career high in strikeouts in even fewer AB; a .210 BA versus lefties; and here's a real doozy...a slugging percentage that ranks 14th on the team (!!), trailing Jeff Baker, Ryan Theriot, Reed Johnson and Carlos Zambrano.

Other than that, he's been money. Like I said Milton, I was way too harsh. Go get em champ.

Dude, You're Horrible

I know, I know, the Cubs are winning, so I should just shut my mouth and fall in line. But all year I've sat here and listened to the other Bartenders defend Milton Bradley until they're Cubby Blue in the face.

"He'll come around don't worry."

"His job is to get on base. Look at his OBP!"

"He can really work a count."

"Why doesn't anybody focus on Soriano's struggles instead?"

Milton Bradley, he of the 3 year, $30 million dollar contract has 254 ABS as of this writing to go along with a .248 BA and 26 RBI. He is batting a robust .207 with runners in scoring position.

Yes, his OBP is around .385, but to that I respond, "who f'ing cares?" You don't pay someone $10 million a year to draw walks. If that's what we wanted we could have Nick Johnson for half the price. (BTW, Johnson also has almost twice as many RBI as Bradley, playing for the Nationals - and now the Marlins.)

26 RBI. For a man who has consistently batted in the 5 hole, a primo RBI spot in the order. Yes, RBI are to an extent a matter of chance, but again, I repeat, 26 RBI!

Gordon Beckham of the White Sox, recalled in June and primarily batting 8th, has 35 RBI.
Jack Wilson has 31.
Jerry Hairston Jr has 27.
Mike Fontenot has 32.
Jake Fox has as many RBI as Bradley in only 100 AB.
In 9 games in the NL, Matt Holiday already has over a third (10) of what Bradley has all year.

I could go on.

Point is, he's a bust. Deal with it. Thankfully, we have Aramis back, so our team can magically hit again (there is no single player more important to the Cubs fortunes than A-Ram, no doubt about it). But how much better would we be if that dipshit Bradley actually started to pull his (dead) weight? I'd love to eat my sweat-stained Cubs hat and see Uncle Milty blow up these last two months of the season, but really, I have seen nothing that would lead me to believe that the end of his woes are nigh. If Lou wants to send someone up there to draw a walk the Cubs might as well just sign Eddie Gaddel's corpse.

I swear to Sweet Baby Hack, if I see him strike out looking one more time...

Chaiming In

I haven't written anything for this site since Pomp Culture was still a part of the American lexicon, so I may be a bit rusty. Bear with me.

• Here's a crazy thought, fueled by too many Miller Lite's. Lets make Rich Harden our closer. The man is a wet noodle drenched in Ben Gay medicine who Lou is remiss to leave in for more than 6 innings, so why not? He's got "closer stuff", he's unflappable in the bedroom and he's a million times better than Chad Cordero. It makes perfect sense. He'd be the Canadian Kerry Wood. Slot Marmol into the 8th, Guzman to the 7th and shoot Kevin Gregg in the back of the head in the clubhouse shower. I see nothing wrong with this. I say, listen to me now! It is much easier to find a 5th starter than it is a dominant closer. You heard it here first, at Thunder Matt's Saloon. No other Cubs blog brings this kind of balls out analysis.
• Have you seen The Hurt Locker yet? No? JESUS CHRIST! Why not? As if you have better things to do. Be a goddamn man for once in your life. Bartender Dave Thomas (aka, White Chili) saw this movie and it was so good his whole shirt was unbuttoned by the end. Oh wait, you went and saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? Fuck you. No really, fuck you. If instead, you want to get laid (ahem, Jordi), take a women to see (500) Days of Summer or Away We Go. Neither of those movies star Rose Byrne, but they'll suffice.
• Will the Cubs make a splash come the trading deadline? One would hope that we get Freddy Sanchez's mole, but can we count on that? God no. Be content to watch Milton Bradley walk (OBP, skeet!) while second base is manned by a tackling dummy. Whatever happened to Bobby Scales? Wasn't he doing good? He must had sex with Lou Pinella's wife in between a day/night doubleheader or something. Free Bobby Scales!
  
• How many people write for this blog? I don't even know anymore. I leave for a short time and come back to a whole litter of gremlins, some of who, quite frankly, should have been aborted. It's almost easier to figure out who doesn't write for this blog than who does. For instance: Bret Favre? Doesn't write for this blog. (Not because he doesn't want to mind you.) TMS: Quantity over quality. If you want quality, stop reading blogs.
  
• MLB Trade Rumors. Now there's a blog!
• Many of you don't know this (but a lot of you do since most of our readers write for the site), but we have a pretty epic Gmail thread that all of us contribute to daily. I would say it gets at least 100-200 emails a day. Let the record show that 90% of our best stuff is on those threads and never makes it to the site. Granted, a lot of it is way to random and 'insidey' for the site, but it's mean spirited, funny and occasionally glorious. Perhaps someday Lingering Bursitis will publish it in an expensive, leather bound book. You will be able to pre-order it exclusively from Pomp Culture. (OMG, that's two PC references in one post!)
  
• Shameless personal blog plugs. Check out my blog at HHH for some family friendly minutiae and Eternal Stench for some more adult (see: pot) fueled endeavors. There are other personal blogs listed on the sidebar that may someday earn a plug on Chaiming In, but today is not that day.
  
• Best food that you're not eating: Breaded pork tenderloin sandwich.
  
• Underrated: Crinkle Cut Fries
• Overrated: Grizzly Bear
• New KISS album on October 6th, along with accompanying tour. I haven't been this excited since I found out that the dark curly hairs around my wiener wasn't just lint from my sweatpants. They just played for 90,000 fans in Canada, so don't you dare say they aren't relevant anymore. Granted, it was Canada, but still. (Rich Harden interjects.) Check out this meat and potatoes clip of the underrated 'Watching You' from Buenos Aires, complete with soccer chants at the end.
• I have a child on the way, due in December. Not that anyone cares. But for those who do, Chip Wesley will throw up a 'Name Chaim's Kid' poll.
• TMS has instituted a new schedule which will, in theory, lead to more posts. So make sure to tell your friends. Then again, chances are if you're reading this blog, you have no friends. Stay tuned and watch the homoerotic drama unfold!

Congratulations, You Redneck Son of a Bitch

Mark Buehrle, bane of Cubs fans' existence, pitches a perfect game. And ya know what? That's pretty goddamn cool. Only 16 of those fuckers. Ever. While it would be easy to belittle his accomplishment and jokes about his sexuality, I won't go there. Because you know what? That's what Sox fans would do to us. And we're better than that dammit.

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

June 15th - June 21st

Wet Fart of the Week: Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez - A-Rod and his .213 average were benched for consecutive games citing 'fatigue' (see: steroid withdrawal) from his prior injury. Then manager Joe Girardi, who really needs to let that hair grow out a little bit, announced that Madonna's cougar hunter would be given at least one day off every week leading up the All Star Break. Maybe now Alex will finally have the time to take in Rock of Ages or Shrek the Musical and catch up on some light reading.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Kevin Slowey, Twins - To the common man the Minnesota Twins rotation appears to be a giant mass of indistinguishable white guy, with a side of Liriano. Yet savvy players know that Kevin Slowey is the one that you want. He's off to a 10-2 start this year with an ERA and WHIP that are likely to go down as well, based on his aversion to walks, which is as exaggerated as The Hundley's aversion to foreigners.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Crash Davis, Rangers - Davis was consistently rated amongst the Top 10 1B in the game this preseason, his hype even exceeding fellow teammate Nelson Cruz. While Cruz has proven to be the real deal, Chris Davis has been one of the biggest disappointments of the year so far, striking out 101 times in 222 at bats and failing to even reach the Mendoza Line (.194). With blue chipper Justin Smoak looming on the horizon for the Rangers, Davis has to be sweating like Marlon Brando at a Ryan's Steakhouse.

Zorba the Ray: Ben Zobrist - Zobrist seems to have a cult following that can only be described as both 'extremely sexual' and 'painfully disconcerting', but to be fair, he's earned it. With 15 donkey slaps, 42 RBI and a 1.044 OPS in only 191 ABs, while playing nearly every position on the diamond, Zobrist has become Mark DeRosa 2.0. Zorilla has still got a ways to go before he catches DeRosa in the groupie category, but he's still young and virile.

They Call Him The Machine. The Steroid Vending Machine: Albert Pujols, Cardinals - Sure, it's all heresy and speculation (get used to it, that's the era we live in), but I'd love for a Cardinals fan to make a convincing argument to me that Albert Pujols is not on roids. Is it fair for me to assume such a thing without evidence? Oh God no. But for years everyone knew that Sammy was juicing, even before the recent evidence came to light. I mean look at the guy. Look at his numbers. Unreal. Of course, I hate the Cardinals and Pujols with every scrawny, underdeveloped bone in my body, but still...some guys you just know. In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty, but in this era of abusers, when you look like this and hit like this, it's pretty much the other way around, fair or not.

Rockies in 6! Colorado Rockies - Somebody break up the Rockies! Under new manager Jim Tracy, the God Squad have reeled off 16 wins in their last 17 games, which included a streak of 11 games in a row, thrusting themselves (not in a sexual way mind you) right back into the playoff picture. Let by the hitting of the incorrigible Clint Barmes and the rejuvenated goatee of Todd Helton, the Rockies have taken a small portion of Northern Colorado (the bored section) by storm. Even Jason Marquis hasn't been exempt from God's fairy dust, racking up 9 wins despite being Jewish. Expect this surge to be relatively short lived though, because as we've seen with the Cubs, karma catches up to those who deny the fate of Thunder Matt Murton.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Nate McLouth, Braves - .417 OBP, 2HR, 7RBI
Andrew McCutchen, Pirates - 10/29, 3 3B, 6 RBI
Albert Pujols, Cardinals - .522 OBP, 4HR, 11 RBI
Prince Fielder, Brewers - 9/23, 2HR, 11 RBI
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers - 11/24, 3HR, 9R
Juan Rivera, Angels - 8/23, 2 HR, 5 RBI
Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers - 12.2 IP, 13K, 0.00 ERA
Felix Hernandez, Mairners - 16.1IP, 14K, .086 WHIP
Derek Lee, Cubs - 8/22, 4 HR, 9 RBI

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Ryan Madson, Phillies- 3IP, 2 BS, 15.00 ERA
Kerry Wood, Indians - 11.57 ERA, 2.17 WHIP, Cubs MVP
Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals- 4/28, OHR, 1 RBI
Stephen Drew, Diamondbacks - .148 OBP, OHR, 0SB
Trevor Hoffman, Dodgers - 10.80 ERA, 0K, 2.40 WHIP
Chris Davis, Rangers - 1/20, .050 OBP, more strikeouts than Dave Thomas on a Friday night