NFL Playoff Picks: Round 1

The regular NFL season is over. Playoffs, bitches! Tom Brady? Sitting at home. Although he didn't play this year, so he'd probably be sitting at home either way. Then again, if he wasn't hurt, maybe the Patriots would not be sitting at home. My head hurts. Beer please?

Anywho, we've got Sad Tom Brady to come and do some predictions for us. Leave your picks in the comments and see how you do stacked up against an authentic NFL Superstar! Whoever picks the most games correctly wins a free copy of Step Up 2 The Streets!

Atlanta at Arizona

I really don't know either of these teams. From what my people tell me, Arizona is full of old people. Atlanta is full of rappers, hot young women and Ted Turner. Now that I'm engaged, I need to tone down the booty-lovin' some. Since Gisele might be reading this, I'm going to go with the Cardinals over the Falcons.

Indianapolis at San Diego

You know who I can't stand? Phillip Rivers! What a punk! If he was my kid, I'd...ignore him, like I do with my current son. I have a kid? Could've fooled you, right? Anyway, I'll take Indy over the Chargers.

Baltimore at Miami

If I don't pick the Ravens, Ray Lewis may find me and kill me. If I don't pick Miami, Joey Porter will feed me to his dogs! What's a super-awesome, handsome, suave, pimptastic dude like me supposed to do? I'll take the Ravens to win. Ray Lewis has actually killed a man and gotten away with it.

Philadelphia at Minnesota

Who would ever take a team with one of the Jackson 5 at quarterback? That guy has to be in his 40's by now! What? Of course I know what I'm talking about! It's Michael, Tito, Jermaine, Tavaris and Samuel L. I'm taking Philly over the Vikes.

NFL Picks Week 17

The NFL regular season is mercifully coming to a close. Thank god. I'm pretty tired of dealing with these celebrities. Dickweeds. All of them. Except Jesus, he seemed OK. The worst was Sarah Palin though. She took us for $40,000 worth of Hickory Farms gift baskets and tried to rename the official Pomp Culture dog "Lock Pepper". The dog's actual name is Bob. Kanye West is picking games this week, but has deemed our blog too small to offer up any commentary. I can assure you though, Peyton Manning is still a douche and George Bush doesn't care about black people.

St. Louis at Atlanta
Carolina at New Orleans
New England at Buffalo
Kansas City at Cincinnati
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Detroit at Green Bay
Oakland at Tampa Bay
Chicago at Houston
Tennessee at Indianapolis
NY Giants at Minnesota
Jacksonville at Baltimore
Miami at NY Jets
Dallas at Philadelphia
Seattle at Arizona
Washington at San Francisco
Denver at San Diego

NFL Picks Week 16

Well gang, I really thought I had lined up a treat for you this week. Legendary on screen duo Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon were to bring you NFL picks, but as it turns out, they're both dead. Unfortunately, corpses are unable to provide commentary, but thanks to a ouija board and unhealthy amounts of peyote, I have been able to channel their picks. Yes, this is being posted after Indy beat the Jags, but seriously, who thought Jacksonville was going to win that game? The winners are in bold:

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Baltimore at Dallas
Cincinnati at Cleveland
New Orleans at Detroit
Miami at Kansas City
Arizona at New England
San Francisco at St. Louis
Pittsburgh at Tennessee
San Diego at Tampa Bay
Buffalo at Denver
Houston at Oakland
NY Jets at Seattle
Atlanta at Minnesota
Philadelphia at Washington
Carolina at NY Giants
Green Bay at Chicago

NFL Picks Week 15

Political scandal and NFL Picks seem to go hand in hand here at PC, so its really a no brainer that we'd "go there". Yes, NFL games will be picked by none other than Canada's Governor General, Her Excellency, The Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean who as you well know, recently granted Prime Minister Stephen Harper's request to take his ball and go home to Alberta rather than face an embarrassing defeat in the Commons. What? You thought I was going to let Blagojevich do these? Hell no. Dude's fucking nuts.

Hello, bon jour. You don't have the slightest idea who I am do you? I'll try to educate you as I go along.

New Orleans at Chicago
As Governor General of Canada, its my role to fulfill Queen Elizabeth's duties as Head of State. In other words, I do nothing, sort of like the Bears quarterback.

Pick: Bears 18 Saints 14

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
For the last time, when I say I serve at the Queen's pleasure, I do NOT mean Jeff Garcia.

Pick: Falcons 35 Bucs 27

Washington at Cincinnati
OK OK. I couldn't really stop Harper from running away from Parliament because as I said, I have no power. I just like the attention I'm getting. I'll show you my boobs if you throw me beads too.

Pick: Redskins 27 Bengals 6

Tennessee at Houston
Little known fact: My husband, the Viceregal Consort of Canada, Jean-Daniel Lafond is a huge Tennessee Titans fan.

Pick: Titans 34 Texans 10

Detroit at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche, eh?

Pick: Indianapolis 112 Detroit 3

Green Bay at Jacksonville
I used to root for Green Bay, but then I found out it wasn't nearly as close to Canada as I had thought. Fuck those hosers.

Pick: Packers 29 Jags 17

San Diego at Kansas City
I had a lot of loons riding on the Chargers this year. I think I'm gonna take a bath on that one.

Pick: Chargers 22 Chiefs 17

San Francisco at Miami
Miami isn't too far from Haiti where I was born. Don't ask how I went from Haitian slums to being the Queen's right hand gal in Ottawa. Its not a pretty story, so all I'll say is it involves equal amounts of paella and full-frontal male nudity.

Pick: Dolphins 27 49ers 21

Buffalo at NY Jets
When I took this job, I was 48. I'm not sure, but that may be younger than Brett Favre.

Pick: Jets 54 Bills 38

Seattle at St. Louis
No one cares about this game, so I'll just use this opportunity to tell you I dabbled in Québecois separatism back in the 90s. It was like coke in the 80s though. Everyone was doing it.

Pick: Snooze 15 Bore 9 (Snooze = Seattle)

Minnesota at Arizona
I really wish I was in Arizona for this one. Its 3 degrees in Ottawa right now.

Pick: Cardinals 37 Vikings 20

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
If you like defense, this is the game for you. Me? I don't give a shit about defense, so I'll be watching some of my tivo'd Price is Right. Its just not the same since Bob Barker left, but I still enjoy it.

Pick: Steelers 10 Ravens 9

Denver at Carolina
In the time it takes to say my full title - Her Excellency the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, Chancellor and Principal Companion of the Order of Canada, Chancellor and Commander of the Order of Military Merit, Chancellor and Commander of the Order of Merit of the Police Forces, Governor General and Commander-in-Chief in and over Canada - the Denver defense can give up three touchdowns.

Pick: Panthers 35 Broncos 21

New England at Oakland
Junior Seau is back with the Pats because of injuries. They may need another QB too if Cassel can't make it back from his family business. If they do, look for them to sign Slingin' Sammy Baugh who I'm told is only slightly older than Seau.

Pick: Patriots 24 Raiders 0

NY Giants at Dallas
Dallas is a bigger fraud than Gilles Duceppe!

Pick: Giants 33 Cowboys 21

Cleveland at Philadelphia
Hah! Don't tell anyone back home, but I got all the way through these without obeying our silly French/English language laws. Take that Francophone Canada!

Pick: Eagles 28 Browns 14

Pomp Culture stands on guard for thee.

NFL Picks: Week 14

With their local team in dire need of a boost, this week our NFL picks turn an eye to San Diego, with local legend and broadcasting god Ron Burgundy helping out with this week's picks. Without further ado, let's do this thing.

Oakland at San Diego

A lot of people don't know this, but I'm not really a football fan. Sunday mornings are meant for sleeping in after a wild night in the sack with a few luscious ladies.

Pick: San Diego 31, Oakland 9

Jacksonville at Chicago

Chicago's too cold. And boring. And stupid. Jacksonville is in Florida. Florida is full of old people.

Pick: 0-0 Tie

Minnesota at Detroit

Champ told me that Detroit is worse at football than Barbara Walters is at staying out of my pants. Hey-o!!

Pick: Minnesota 57, Detroit -3

Houston at Green Bay

Why must they play all of these games in places where it's too cold to get any kind of erection going?

Pick: Houston 27, Green Bay 24

Cleveland at Tennessee

While I was digging through the newspaper the other day looking for Family Circus, I saw something about how Tennessee just hired themselves a new coach. His wife is a stone cold fox. Good enough for me.

Pick: Tennessee 38, Cleveland 17

Cincinnati at Indianapolis

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen: Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Indianapolis 42, Cincinnati 6

Atlanta at New Orleans

This Drew Brees is a real man. A man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man he is. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of him. It's science.

Pick: New Orleans 75, Atlanta 45

Philadelphia at New York Giants

That Donovan McNabb doesn't even know the rules of his own workplace? I'm not even mad. That's amazing. Like Bridget Fonda's behind. I want to be friends with that thing.

Pick: New York 17, Philadelphia 14

Kansas City at Denver

Kansas City doesn't have much of an offensive line. I guess having protection doesn't really concern them. Sounds to me like a wild night with your good buddy Ron Burgundy!

Pick: Denver 37, Kansas City 28

Miami at Buffalo

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on Bill Parcells.

Pick: Miami 21, Buffalo 17

New York Jets at San Francisco

San Francisco? What do they have that good old San Diego doesn't? That Mike Singletary though...he could rip the arms off a live bear and beat the bear to death with them.

Pick: New York 31, San Francisco 22

New England at Seattle

What do I love? I love...poetry. And a nice glass of scotch. And, of course, watching Bill Belechick lose games. Not going to happen this week though. Seattle...now there's a team the pooped the fridge this season.

Pick: New England 35, Seattle 0

St. Louis at Arizona

Kurt Warner has to face his old team, with many of them still close friends of his. That stadium in Phoenix that I can't be bothered with looking up the name of will sure be a glass case of emotion for this one.

Pick: Arizona 41, St. Louis 14

Dallas at Pittsburgh

Jerry Jones and I used to go chasing tail back in his glory days. My glory days? Still going, brother.

Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17

Washington at Baltimore

Tony Romo is a whale's vagina. That's all I have to say about him. Good day!

Pick: Baltimore 14, Washington 10

Tampa Bay at Carolina

I don't care about this game. To be honest with you, I'll probably be fornicating. How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Pick: Carolina 20, Tampa Bay 19

Poor Man's NFL Picks Week 13

Jesus was only 11-5 last week. Divine inspiration indeed. Since its Thanksgiving week, no celebrities wanted to participate, but fear not, the picks go on and Chef Gordon Ramsey is lined up for week 14 with a string of f-bombs that would make a sailor blush. So then, the half-assed week 13 picks and a collection of random pictures:

Tennessee at Detroit
The 2008 Lions win the coveted cock-gobbler award given annually to the team that should be disbanded.

Pick: Titans 31 Lions 0

Seattle at Dallas
Remember classic Thanksgiving showdowns involving Dallas like the Leon Lett game? I don't either. The Dallas game hasn't been worth a damn since 'Nam.

Pick: Cowboys 37 Seahawks 20

Arizona at Philadelphia
If a west coast team wins a game in the Eastern time zone at all this year, this is going to be it.

Pick: Cardinals 34 Eagles 28

Baltimore at Cincinnati
I haven't been paying much attention to the Bengals. Is Carson Palmer dead?

Pick: Ravens 29 Bengals 14

NY Giants at Washington
Ganesh must be pissed. The Giants shouldn't be this good.

Pick: Giants 36 Redskins 28

Indianapolis at Cleveland
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 27 Browns 10

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
I may have to put out a hit on Drew Brees. I'm not going to sit idly by and watch Kurt Warner break Marino's 5084 yard record only to have this birthmarked upstart overtake him.

Pick: Saints 35 Bucs 17

Carolina at Green Bay
Welcome back to reality Panthers fans. This is what a team led by Jake Delhomme should look like.

Pick: Packers 23 Panthers 17

San Francisco at Buffalo
The Mike Singletary sideshow is officially boring. This week he'll bite a head off a bat. The 49ers will still lose.

Pick: Bills 25 49ers 20

Miami at St. Louis
The Rams have given up about 400 first half points in the last few weeks. You can expect the trend to continue.

Pick: Dolphins 42 Rams 24

Atlanta at San Diego
My AFC Superbowl pick San Diego is coming apart at the seams and I fear my BFF Norv Turner's job may be in jeopardy. I blame Ed Hochuli.

Pick: Falcons 28 Chargers 20

Kansas City at Oakland
Oakland scored an offensive touchdown last week and Kansas City gave up 54 at home. This is like seeing two unicorns just hanging out by the highway telling war stories.

Pick: Chiefs 17 Raiders 12

Denver at NY Jets
Its entirely possible that Denver will win the AFC West with a 7-9 or 8-8 record. Do you see what happens Larry?

Pick: Jets 35 Broncos 17

Pittsburgh at New England
I think I saw Bill Belichick panhandling for change near a 605 offramp.

Pick: Patriots 28 Steelers 17

Chicago at Minnesota
This is a battle for first? NFC North FAIL.

Pick: Bears 5 Vikings 3

Jacksonville at Houston
December kicks off with a stinker that reminds ABC why Monday Night Football isn't such a loss.

Pick: Texans 18 Jags 10

Please don't spend too much time trying to make sense of these photos.

NFL Picks: Letters from Jesus Edition

Discounting the tie, which we'll just pretend doesn't exist in the rule book to make Donovan McNabb feel better about himself, Captain Kirk was an impressive 11-3 last week. Today we have none other than the big JC himself. He's been busy writing letters. Take it away Jesus:

Brothers and Sisters...I don't have much to do anymore, so I write letters like an old man. Here are a few of the choice ones (the letters) along with my heavenly NFL picks for week 12.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Dear NFL - Damn you! I had money riding on the Steelers last week and your refs blew the call. Now I owe my bookie $5k. My stocks are down and I don't have it right now. If my legs are broken, I'm holding you responsible.

Pick: Steelers 20 Bengals 9

Houston at Cleveland
To whom it may concern - I may be able to turn water into wine, but I can't turn this into a game worth watching. If its on in your area, turn your paycheck into wine and get wasted.

Pick: Browns 29 Texans 14

Buffalo at Kansas City
Dear Coach Jauron - It is with deep regret that I cannot answer your prayers regarding Mr. Edwards. My advice to you would be to put in Mr. Losman post haste. Yes yes, I know he's a little emo, but he won't throw three picks against teams like the Browns.

Pick: Chiefs 17 Bills 8

New England at Miami
Dear World - I just want to confirm that I am not Tom Brady. We aren't even close since that business on Buzanis' boat. I'm known to turn the other cheek, but that was just too much. Last time I party with a bunch of crazy old white people on a boat.

Pick: Patriots 31 Dolphins 21

NY Jets at Tennessee
Dear Buddha - I didn't think they would buy into this 10-0 crap, but they did. Guess I owe you a beer you zen master bastard.

Pick: Jets 35 Titans 24

Philadelphia at Baltimore
Donovan - Really? I live all the way in BF-Kolob and know games can end in ties. We don't even get NFL network out here. Pay attention man.

Pick: Ravens 27 Eagles 21

San Francisco at Dallas
Dear "Doctor" Dobson - Please quit trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong out in San Francisco. Me being vengeful towards the gays isn't the reason for earthquakes or the 49ers sucking. I've enclosed my half of our BFF necklace. I won't be needing it anymore.

Pick: Cowboys 28 49ers 12

Tampa Bay at Detroit
Lions fans - I talked to Satan (he's in my five) and he swears he has nothing to do with this. Xenu hasn't called me back yet.

Pick: Bucs 27 Lions 17

Minnesota at Jacksonville
Thor - I wanted to congratulate you on the Vikings progress this season. I know they lost last week, but they're still very much alive in the division. See you at the barbecue in May. Latez.

Pick: Jags 18 Vikings 13

Chicago at St. Louis
Dear Penthouse - I was a young man living in the Jerusalem 'burbs when I met her at a public execution. She was the handsomest woman I ever did see, about 3 and a half cubits tall with dark brown hair and these breasts....whoops, wrong letter.

Pick: Bears 37 Rams 9

Oakland at Denver
Hey Al - Ready to apologize now?

Pick: Broncos 44 Raiders 15

Carolina at Atlanta
Diiiiiirty South - Am I not merciful? I told you to get rid of the dog rapist. You did and now look how good you are.

Pick: Falcons 28 Panthers 20

NY Giants at Arizona
KW - JC here. Don't worry. I've got your back. PS...tell Brenda thanks for the brownies.

Pick: Cardinals 41 Giants 38

Washington at Seattle
In response to your repeated inquiries about the Seahawks, Mariners, and the departure of the Sonics, remember that business with Job? Yeah...

Pick: Redskins 18 Seahawks 7

Indianapolis at San Diego
Dear Peyton - You're a douche.

Pick: Colts 31 Chargers 14

Green Bay at New Orleans
People of New Orleans - Sorry about that hurricane thing. My dad owed Falwell a solid. Poker debt. To make up for it, I got Reggie Bush out of your hair so you can have a normal offense.

Pick: Saints 34 Packers 31

"Yeah, thats right. Got a problem with it? There aren't a lot of blond blue-eyed hippies in Jerusalem you know..."

Celebrity NFL Picks with William Shatner

Since the readers demanded it, Celebrity NFL picks have made the move from TMS to Pomp Culture. I'd rather be working on my upcoming piece on how I really want a Boston accent, but c'est la vie. Our celebrities (and me as a fill in last week) come into this week with a 90-54 record. How does that stack up? Well, its right in the middle of ESPN's so called experts. This confirms what I've always suspected: Ron Jaworski sucks. This week I had to dip all the way down to the bottom of the barrel and selected William Shatner.

Thank you. I had a break from doing Priceline.com commercials, where you can name your own price on hotels, and took up my good friend's invite to pick NFL games.

New York Jets at New England
The Jets haven't been this good since TJ Hooker was on the air. Do you remember that? Of course not. Damned kids...

Pick: Pats 27 Jets 24

Denver at Atlanta
I enjoy Falcons. The birds. I also derive a great deal of pleasure from horses and dogs... the ocean... and love.

Pick: Falcons 33 Broncos 28

Houston at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 26 Texans 14

Oakland at Miami
Wayne Huizenga is selling the Dolphins. Look for them on Priceline.com and name your own price.

Pick: Dolphins 21 Raiders 9

Baltimore at New York Giants
Eli Manning once told me he was a fan. I chose to listen locked on what he was saying, and when he said to me, `Can I tell you what I love about you?' I chose to be very emotional and said, `Tell me' as though I were in love with him. And as I was doing this, I recognized the possibility of people mistaking that for homosexual love, as against somebody interested in the generic word love and not carrying an idea of sexuality.

Pick: Giants 38 Ravens 20

Detroit at Carolina
This matchup is gayer than George Takei's wedding.

Pick: Panthers 20 Lions 0

Philadelphia at Cincinnati
Bengals fans are a large conglomerate of people. They're a heterogeneous group of people. Except in one regard. They're all losers.

Pick: Eagles 40 Bengals 14

Chicago at Green Bay
I'm pretty torn over Brett Favre leaving Green Bay. You just don't know what... ... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Pick: Bears 34 Packers 24

New Orleans at Kansas City
You'd have to be...high...as a kite to watch this game.

Pick: Saints 33 Chiefs 20

Minnesota at Tampa Bay
I've never trusted vikings...and I never will. I've never been able to forgive them...for the death of my boy.

Pick: Bucs 28 Vikings 10

St. Louis at San Francisco
Little known fact: Mike Singletary plays the tambourine. Tambourine? MR. TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!!

Pick: 49ers 24 Rams 17

Arizona at Seattle
Some advice to Kurt Warner: Remember - you can't beam through a force field. So, don't try it.

Pick: Cardinals 38 Seahawks 28

Tennessee at Jacksonville
I'd like to play paintball with Vince Young. You just don't know what that crazy bastard would do!

Pick: Titans 24 Jags 7

San Diego at Pittsburgh
Since this is now Pomp Culture, here's something pompous - you take your day and artistically create it, so every moment has an artistic flavor. What? The game?

Pick: Steelers 15 Chargers 14

Dallas at Washington
Redskins is a racist term. I'm offended. I must now weep.

Pick: Cowboys 28 Redskins 21

Cleveland at Buffalo
This game is going to suck worse than Star Trek V.

Pick: Bills 17 Browns 3

Rock-it-man!

TMS Celebrity Farewell (& NFL Picks)

Since its inception, TMS has developed quite a celebrity following. This year several of them have accepted our invitation to pick NFL games, but there are many many more.

With our imminent transition to Pomp Culture on 11/11/08, I asked some of our famous fans to give us their parting thoughts. Some were sad to see us go, others ecstatic, and still others seemingly unsure just who I was or what I was asking them about.

Governor Gray Davis - Blogger
OK, so my celebrity NFL picker this week was supposed to be Barack Obama, but it seems he's a little busy now, so I'm gonna throw them out there: Browns, Titans, Jags, Texans, Pats, Saints, Dolphins, Packers, Jets, Panthers, Steelers, Chargers, Giants, Cardinals. Oh, and I'll totally miss the saloon or something...

Al Swearengen - Saloon Proprietor
Who the fuck is Matt Murton? Sounds like a squarehead cocksucker from fuckin' Yankton if you ask me...

George W. Bush - Former Owner of the Texas Rangers
TMS was where our nation found hope, where wings took dream. I for one will miss it. Are we havin' burritos for lunch again?

Huell Howser - TV Legend, rumored homosexual
Thunder Matt's Saloon was truly amazing! I wish the guys the best on Pomp Culture. It could be another exciting adventure and another perfect example...of California's Gold.

Sir Charles Barkley O.B.E. - Professional Gambler
No. Uh-uh. I told the Governor I'm not saying a damn word until the check clears.

Walter Mondale - former Vice-President, Zombie
Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnssssssssssss....

Don Francisco - Host, Sábado Gigante
Soy triste, pero emocionado también.

John Mark Karr - Sex Pervert
I'm going to miss TMS, but Chaim Witz has promised Pomp Culture will feature lots of shirtless Zac Efron pics, so I won't stand in the way of progress.

Zac Efron - Actor, Sexpot
Who said what about me now?

Campbell Brown - Journalist, Pregnant Sexpot
Tell that British guy to stop stalking me please.

M. Night Shyamalan - Director
TMS would have been better if it had been set in Pennsylvania and had a twist.

Joseph Smith - Mormon Prophet, Disreputable Mountebank
If you sell this new blog just right, you could have millions of followers who believe any easily disprovable bullshit you post. Trust me, I know...

Dan Rather - Insane Former Newsman
One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek'.

Sarah Palin - Special Needs Governor of a Frozen Backwater
What is Pomp Culture? Is that a state or something? Palin in 2012!

Bono - Christ's Second Coming
Distance does not decide who is your brother and who is not. The church is going to have to become the conscience of the free market if it's to have any meaning in this world - and stop being its apologist. I don't know what that has to do with TMS though.

Shark Jesus - Shark, Christ's Third Coming?
Asshole border guards nabbed my stash on the way back from Rosarito. When he's not looking, I'm going to bite him.

Mel Gibson - Alcoholic anti-Semite, Actor
As you may have guessed, I blame the Jews for the demise of TMS - and the death of our Lord.

Bill O'Reilly - Falafel Enthusiast
That is it for TMS...
Uh, whatever it is, that's not right on the teleprompter...
I CAN'T read it, there's no WORDS on it.
There's no WORDS there, what does that mean, Pomp Culture?
What does--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS Pomp Culture, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
A new blog?
That's tomorrow, and that is uh....
we'll leave you with a...
I can't do it.
WE'LL DO IT LIVE.
WE'LL DO IT LIVE
I'LL WRITE IT AND WE'LL DO IT LIVE
FUCKING THING SUCKS!

Celebrity NFL Picks with Sir Charles Barkley O.B.E.

We're storming through the NFL season like a tornado through a trailer park (thank you Dan Rather) and our celebs seem to be getting better. This was to be expected. Sometimes the NFL doesn't work out the way you think it will. Who would have thought Tennessee would be the best team in the league? President Bush came in at 9-5 last week bringing our celebrities to 69-47 on the year. Next week, to wrap up TMS' picks before we move over to Pomp Culture, we've arranged a very special guest, but for now, I'd like to hand things over to Sir Charles:

I really didn't want to do this, but the Governor offered me a bribe. I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan.

Arizona at St. Louis
Kurt Warner is in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good.

Pick: Cardinals 44 Rams 28

NY Jets at Buffalo
Brett Favre is old. I could beat him in a race though. I know I'm a fat, old has-been, but there's no way an old man of 67 can outrun me. It's impossible!

Pick: Jets 27 Bills 24

Jacksonville at Cincinnati
Marvin Lewis must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey.

Pick: Jags 35 Bengals 14

Baltimore at Cleveland
I heard Derek Anderson is calling himself the Charles Barkley of football. I was going to sue him for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.

Pick: Ravens 20 Browns 6

Houston at Minnesota
Ernie Johnson once asked me if they recognized me in Minnesota. Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back dontcha know!

Pick: Texans 22 Vikings 17

Detroit at Chicago
They say Kyle Orton works hard. If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing.

Pick: Bears 29 Lions 3

Tampa Bay at Kansas City
Today is Jimmy Hatter's birthday -- he's the gay guy we got workin' behind the scenes, y'all. We hire them all at TNT. We do not discriminate. We hired the pimp last year, Craig Sager, and now we got Jimmy Hatter. We got all the ethnic groups covered. What does this have to do with the Bucs game? I'll give you one guess.

Pick: Bucs 14 Chiefs 0

Green Bay at Tennessee
How is Tennessee this good? Its called defense, I mean I wouldn't know anything about it personally but I've heard about it through the grapevine.

Pick: Titans 24 Packers 10

Miami at Denver
Jay Cutler believes in himself. You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.

Pick: Broncos 38 Dolphins 35

Dallas at NY Giants
Brad Johnson didn't look good last week. He's got to bring something stronger than that. That's like bringing milk to a bar, it's not strong enough.

Pick: Giants 28 Cowboys 10

Philadelphia at Seattle
I miss Philadelphia. I miss the crime and murder. There hasn't been a brutal stabbing or anything here the last 24 hours. I've missed it.

Pick: Eagles 31 Seahawks 21

Atlanta at Oakland
This game is going to be uglier than my colonoscopy.

Pick: Falcons 16 Raiders 13

New England at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 21 Pats 13

Pittsburgh at Washington
Ben Roethlisberger is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon.

Pick: Steelers 9 Redskins 7

Celebrity NFL Picks with George W. Bush

We're creeping up on the halfway mark in the NFL season and the TMS celebrity NFL picks march on. Surprisingly, we're getting some well known celebrities. I must say, I didn't anticipate that. Don Francisco had a nice week coming in at 9-5. Our celebs are now 60-42 on the year. This week we call on Still President Bush to make the picks.

Howdy! When the Governor first called and asked me to do the picks, I was like, damn it, I'm the President I have more important things to do! Then I took a stiff shot of Jack and remembered no one really listens to me anymore. Everytime I poke my head out of the White House like a cuckoo clock, the stock market drops 500 points. I may as well do this instead.

Oakland at Baltimore
I don't know who is winning this game. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not my priority.

Pick: Ravens 15 Raiders 9

Arizona at Carolina
People say, how can I help the Cardinals? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you.

Pick: Panthers 34 Cardinals 28

Tampa Bay at Dallas
"America's team" a real disaster right now and I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as president. In other words, I'm not going to this game.

Pick: Bucs 27 Cowboys 17

Washington at Detroit
Are you having burritos for lunch?

Pick: Redskins 18 Lions 3

Buffalo at Miami
The Bills are going to win this one, now watch this drive...*swings golf club wildly indoors*

Pick: Bills 24 Dolphins 17

St. Louis at New England
New England is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

Pick: Patriots 31 Rams 23

San Diego at New Orleans
Picking this game, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard.

Pick: Chargers 25 Saints 20

Kansas City at NY Jets
Too many good Chiefs QBs are getting out of the business. Too many QBs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country. Tyler Thigpen is the exception. Man-whore.

Pick: Jets 56 Chiefs 10

Atlanta at Philadelphia
I'm gonna pick Philly. I don't know why. I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

Pick: Eagles 24 Falcons 21

Cincinnati at Houston
I thought the Bengals would be decent this year. There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Pick: Texans 45 Bengals 0

Cleveland at Jacksonville
I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that Cleveland will have a good draft pick.

Pick: Jags 20 Browns 7

NY Giants at Pittsburgh
Man, I tell ya, I really misunderestimated the Giants this year.

Pick: Giants 37 Steelers 14

Seattle at San Francisco
The Niners fired Mike Nolan. Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our 49ers learning? I think they may be.

Pick: Niners 10 Seahawks 6

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Titans 24 Colts 21

I have issued an executive order. This here turkey is now in charge of the Detroit Lions. Godspeed mighty bird!

Celebrity NFL Picks with Don Francisco

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Joseph Smith's visions turned out to be bullshit and he went 7-7 last week. Our celebs are now 51-37 on the year. This week we are treated to a little international flavor with Spanish TV legend and host of Sábado Gigante, Don Francisco. Ahora, las selecciones para este semana:

Bienvenido amigos! Me gusta fútbol americano, y los Cargadores particularmente.

San Diego at Buffalo
Viva! Viva los Cargadores! Norv Turner para El Presidente de los Estatdos Unidos! Turner/Tomlinson '08

Pick: Chargers 38 Bills 35

New Orleans at Carolina
En New Orleans, hablan francés. Yo no hablo francés.

Pick: Panthers 24 Saints 21

Minnesota at Chicago
Este juego es una "embarassment" a la liga.

Pick: Bears 8 Vikings 3

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Cómo se dice "boring?"

Pick: Steelers 31 Bengals 12

Tennesee at Kansas City
Kansas City continúa teniendo un pelotón de fútbol? ¿Quién sabía?

Pick: Titans 19 Chiefs 6

Baltimore at Miami
Miami tiene muchos Cubanos. Tienen buen alimento y cigarros finos. Desafortunadamente, no tienen un buen pelotón de fútbol.

Pick: Ravens 20 Dolphins 13

San Francisco at NY Giants
Eli trabajó en Sábado Gigante. Él era el maíz. (¿Qué?)

Pick: Giants 35 49ers 21

Dallas at St. Louis
Los Caballeros no tiene Tony Homo. No es una problema. Los Rams son terribles.

Pick: Cowboys 45 Rams 7

Detroit at Houston
Se va Matt Millen, pero el perder no hace. Dios mio!

Pick: Texans 22 Lions 9

Indianapolis at Green Bay
Peyton Manning es un "douche".

Pick: Colts 27 Packers 18

NY Jets at Oakland
Al Davis es El Chupacabra y Los Raiders son las cabras.

Pick: Jets 52 Raiders 17

Cleveland at Washington
Marrónes? Pieles Rojos? Este juego es muy colorido.

Pick: Redskins 23 Browns 21

Seattle at Tampa Bay
Jeff Garcia le gusta hombres? Yo pienso.

Pick: Bucs 35 Seahawks 13

Denver at New England
Cuál es nuevo acerca de Inglaterra Nueva? Es muy viejo!

Pick: Broncos 27 Pats 17

Canto de mi amor de TMS!

Celebrity NFL Picks with The Prophet Joseph Smith

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Last week insane former newsman Dan Rather went 9-5. His folksly homespun charm did a nice job of sweeping John Mark Karr under the rug. Our celebs are now 44-30 on the year. Last night, while sleeping soundly I was stirred by a vision of the angel Moroni. He revealed to me the location of two golden tablets containing the 2008 Week 6 NFL picks of the Prophet Joseph Smith. After digging them up and using seer stones to interpret them, I can reveal the wisdom contained within to you now:

Behold, it came to pass that on the 9th day of 10th month of the 2008th year of our Lord, the following NFL picks would be made. As you may have guessed, I read them out of a hat.

Chicago at Atlanta
All the people picking Atlanta are wrong. I alone will tell you the one true pick of this game.

Pick: Bears 27 Falcons 10

Miami at Houston
If Houston actually manages to win this one, I will personally appear and bestow the Melchizedek priesthood on Gary Kubiak. They both end in K you see. Thats just a little 19th century humor for you.

Pick: Dolphins 37 Texans 28

Baltimore at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 12 Ravens 9

Detroit at Minnesota
This game promises to be so bad even your magic underwear won't stop you from pooping yourself.

Pick: Vikings 32 Lions 24

Oakland at New Orleans
Don't be surprised if you're performing a baptism for Oakland's 2008 season next time you're in the temple 'cause these guys are dead!

Pick: Saints 24 Raiders 17

Cincinnati at NY Jets
Apparently its part of Heavenly Father's plan that the Bengals suck every year.

Pick: Jets 38 Bengals 9

St. Louis at Washington
Deceased former Rams owner Georgia Frontiere had 7 husbands. Amateur hour. I had at least 30 wives before I lost count.

Pick: Redskins 38 Rams 17

Carolina at Tampa Bay
Jake Delhomme is unseemly and will never be allowed to join me and Heavenly Father on the glass planet of Kolob.

Pick: Panthers 21 Bucs 17

Jacksonville at Denver
Little known fact: Jay Cutler holds the title of Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve.

Pick: Broncos 16 Jags 13

Dallas at Arizona
Before I told everyone the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, I tried telling them it was actually in Apache Junction, Arizona. No one was buying that so I had to go back to the drawing board, err, I mean pray.

Pick: Cowboys 34 Cardinals 27

Philadelphia at San Francisco
What people say about Lamanite QBs just isn't true. Philly will win this one, which is good for that city since their baseball team won't bring them any joy over the next week.

Pick: Eagles 29 49ers 21

Green Bay at Seattle
In order to find out who will win this game, you must reach level OT VI and donate $700,000. Whoops, wrong religion!

Pick: Packers 30 Seahawks 13

New England at San Diego
The Chargers need this one or the unwashed rabble of San Diego will demand blood atonement from Norv Turner.

Pick: Chargers 28 Pats 14

NY Giants at Cleveland
And it came to pass that the Giants are much better than I or anyone else could have foreseen just a few short weeks ago. Playing garbage teams like Cleveland sure helps things...

Pick: Giants 35 Browns 20

Now that this ginormous statue of Jesus has your attention, let me tell you about Heavenly Father's plan for YOU...

Celebrity NFL Picks with Dan Rather

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Last week John Mark Karr went 6-7. He won't be invited back (because he is a pedophile, not because he was bad at picking). Our celebs are now 35-25 on the year. This week we're joined by insane former newsman Dan Rather. So, WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY KENNETH???

I think you would likelier see a hippopotamus run through this room than see me pick NFL games correctly, but honestly, I've got nothing better to do so why the hell not?

Tennessee at Baltimore
Tennessee is a surprising 4-0. And for the first time in these picks, mark it if you will, if you're in the kitchen, Mabel, come back in the front room. I'm just teasing. They're gonna win again.

Pick: Titans 24 Ravens 21

Kansas City at Carolina
If Carolina loses this one, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up 'Dueling Banjos' because Jake Delhomme will be squealing like a pig.

Pick: Panthers 31 Chiefs 9

Chicago at Detroit
Detroit constantly reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten. In this economy, I hope Matt Millen can find a new job.

Pick: Bears 33 Lions 10

Atlanta at Green Bay
This game is boring enough, nasty enough to gag a buzzard.

Pick: Packer 18 Falcons 6

Indianapolis at Houston
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 27 Texans 17

San Diego at Miami
Before the trail goes completely cold, let's give a tip of the Stetson to the loser, Miami, and at the same time a big tip and a hip-hip-hooray and a great big Texas howdy to the future AFC West Champion San Diego Super Chargers. Sip it, savor it, cup it, photostat it, underline it in red, press it in a book, put it in an album, hang it on the wall.

Pick: Chargers 44 Dolphins 35

Seattle at NY Giants
The Seahags think they're better without Shaun Alexander. Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow.

Pick: Giants 41 Seahags 15

Washington at Philadelphia
This game will be as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.

Pick: Redskins 31 Eagles 28

Buffalo at Arizona
Last week, the Jets swept through the Cardinals like a tornado through a trailer park. Buffalo won't put up quite so many points.

Pick: Bills 22 Cards 20

Tampa Bay at Denver
Picking this game is about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo.

Pick: Broncos 39 Bucs 38

Cincinnati at Dallas
There's no way Cincinnati can win this thing without carrying Romo and Owens off the field. It'd be like trying to scratch their ear with their elbow.

Pick: Cowboys 56 Bengals 0

New England at San Francisco
I don't know who to pick. I don't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon.

Pick: 49ers 23 Pats 21

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
This knock-down drag-out battle will drag on into the night. Why is Pittsburgh on national TV every god damned week?

Pick: Jags 28 Steelers 17

Minnesota at New Orleans
The Saints have been veering and wobbling so much that neither NASA nor the Russian Cosmodrome can track them in some cases.

Pick: Vikings 29 Saints 24

"Watchin' Dan Rather do the news, he looks like he's making a hostage tape. They should have guys in ski masks and AK-47s just standing off to the side..."
Don Imus, cited in Imus: America's Cowboy, 1999.

Celebrity NFL Picks Week 4 with John Mark Karr

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Sarah Palin went 11-5 last week, bringing our celebrities to a total of 29-18 on the year. Curious as to how he might improve his record going forward, Week 2's Bono met with Week 3's Sarah Palin to discuss her strategy. Huell Howser was not present, but we can assume he is amazed. This week, the guy who lied about killing Jon Benet Ramsey to get a free ticket back to the states, John Mark Karr, does the picks.

Gentlemen...thanks for having me. I've long been a football fan so its a real honor to pick these games. I'm also a fan of ice creamy treats. Also, I am required to inform you that in spite of the fact he isn't playing this week, Peyton Manning is a douche.

Cleveland at Cincinnati
Toilet Bowl 2008. Can we finally put Carson Palmer in his rightful place with other esteemed Pac-10 quarterbacks like Akili Smith and Cade McNown?

Pick: Bengals 6 Browns 3

Houston at Jacksonville
Picking Houston to do something this year was almost as trendy as confessing to a murder you didn't commit or the stylish high-waist slacks I enjoy. Throw them in the shitter with the Browns and Bengals. The Texans, not my slacks.

Pick: Jags 28 Texans 9

Atlanta at Carolina
Jake Delhomme is a little too creepy even for my taste. You can just tell by his prominent brow that he's a man who likes things not spoken of in polite society. Now, keep in mind, I'm willing to discuss murder in polite society, so you know where my standards lie. You didn't hear it from me, but others have hinted at snuff porn. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but all that said, the Panthers will probably win this one.

Pick: Panthers 23 Falcons 17

Denver at Kansas City
My god...Jay Cutler looks so young. Like he's 15 or 16. I...uh..would you excuse me for a few minutes?

Pick: Broncos 42 Chiefs 13

San Francisco at New Orleans
WHEW! OK, I'm back. The '9ers have been surprisingly strong this year, but playing the Seahags and Lions doesn't impress John Mark Karr. New Orleans traditionally plays well when their city is hit by a hurricane.

Pick: Saints 30 49ers 21

Arizona at NY Jets
Kurt Warner wears number 13. Incidentally, that's how old my first wife was when I married her.

Pick: Cardinals 38 Jets 31

Green Bay at Tampa Bay
Have you ever been to the Tampa area? The entire region smells like a block of moldy Velveeta "cheese". I have no regard for that product anymore. Its let me down one too many times.

Pick: Packers 27 Bucs 20

Minnesota at Tennessee
Vince Young is about three weeks from moving to Thailand for undisclosed reasons. Trust me, I know these things. Who the devil is their quarterback anyway? Oh yes, Kerry Collins. Didn't he rape someone? We all make mistakes...

Pick: Titans 31 Vikings 17

San Diego at Oakland
Al Davis has quite possibly the best fashion sense of any man I've ever known, save for Raul.

Pick: Chargers 35 Raiders 20

Buffalo at St. Louis
I think Jon Benet was still alive the last time the Rams were any good. Can you believe they're already talking about moving again? Just change their name to the Carpetbaggers! LOLZ!

Pick: Buffalo 56 Rams 9

Washington at Dallas
Why is Dallas America's team? I hate those guys. Tony Romo makes me want to stick my dick in a vice. And can Jerry Jones please promise to stop getting face lifts? You're never going to have the supple skin of a pre-teen again, so why try?

Pick: Cowboys 34 Redskins 18

Philadelphia at Chicago
The Bears should be a lot worse than they are. I really have no explanation for this. Kyle Orton couldn't throw a birthday party for a 2 year old.

Pick: Eagles 17 Bears 10

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
The TMS guys told me that the other three folks they asked to pick games always struggled coming up with comments about the Steelers. Add me to that list. They're the most wretchedly boring thing since buying socks at a Sears outlet store on the interstate. Can you imagine how boring that makes them? God I love feet though.

Pick: Steelers 16 Ravens 8

This woman clearly has low self esteem.

Celebrity NFL Picks Week 3 with Sarah Palin

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will periodically bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Last week Bono went 9-6 (The Houston game didn't happen. Apparently they had a little problem with rain and wind.) leaving our celebrities a mediocre 18-13 on the year. This week, Republican vice-Presidential nominee and GILF Sarah Palin continues her string of hard hitting interviews by picking NFL games on a little read blog.

When asked if I would do the TMS weekly NFL picks, I said thanks but no thanks. None the less, here I am.

Kansas City at Atlanta
Two years ago, Tyler Thigpen was mayor of Snowshit, NE. Today he's the starting QB for the Chiefs! Yay!

Pick: Falcons 9 Chiefs 3

Oakland at Buffalo
Whats the difference between Al Davis and a pitbull? Lipstick. (what?)

Pick: Bills 27 Raiders 6

Cincinatti at NY Giants
I would totally leave the First Dude for Eli.

Pick: Giants 73 Bengals 0

Miami at New England
If I lived in Miami, I wouldn't need that tanning bed.

Pick: Pats 24 Dolphins 7

Houston at Tennessee
You can actually see Tennessee from Alaska.

Pick: Titans 19 Texans 8

Tampa Bay at Chicago
Kyle Orton knocked up Bristol.

Pick: Bucs 20 Bears 17

Arizona at Washington
Redskins? I'm not playing the race-card.

Pick: Cardinals 27 Noble Native Americans 18

Carolina at Minnesota
They have snowmobile races in Minnesota.

Pick: Panthers 21 Vikings 20

New Orleans at Denver
Shanahan's call to go for two was gutsier than picking an incompetent no-name like me for vice-President.

Pick: Broncos 31 Saints 21

Detroit at San Francisco
Detroit continues to say thanks but no thanks to winning.

Pick: 49ers 29 Lions 15

St. Louis at Seattle
Being a small town mayor is kind of like being the Rams quarterback, except you have actual responsibilities...

Pick: Seahags 35 Rams 7

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
*Governor Palin has refused to pick this game calling it a partisan witch hunt. Therefore, I will pick it on her behalf...

Pick: Eagles 28 Steelers 17

Cleveland at Baltimore
Pick this game? In what respect Charlie?

Pick: Orioles 12 Cavs 10

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 14 Jags 9

Dallas at Green Bay
Oh no! My teleprompter just broke. I'll just ad-lib. Uhh...uhhh...Mooseburgers!

Pick: Packers 34 Cowboys 31

NY Jets at San Diego
The name Ladanian is almost weird enough for one of my kids!

Pick: Chargers 41 Jets 17

Thank you Governor. That was awful.