A Mile High Minute/Sun Devil Second: Week 9

Ugly, ugly weekend - I'll just phone this one in.

Detroit 44 Denver 7

Time to stick a fork in the Broncos and your head in the oven. Losing to Detroit is bad enough, but getting the living shit kicked out of you is a new level of humiliation all its own. To top it off, Denver had to go with Patrick Ramsey after a Cutler injury.

I'm at an absolute loss here. I don't know what to say other than Jim Bates (defensive coordinator) should probably start packing his bags.

Rock. Bottom.

Tampa Bay 17 Arizona 10

One stat can sum this up: Arizona's leading rusher was Edgerrin James...with 15 yards.

RoboKurt can't do it all himself people.

Sadly, as bad as both Arizona and Denver played this weekend, they're only one game out of first in their divisions.

Thoughts From Around the League

Mongoloid Manning and Skeletor go down, as I predicted, but no thanks to the refs. How many BS pass interference calls can they make in one game? They tried to hand this one to Indy, but no such luck. With everything going wrong, New England still won. I'm probably most happy to see the return of "Peyton Manning face" - its been far too long.

and now for something completely different...

A Mile High Minute: Week 8

I'm not even waiting for the game to end before I start this.

Why is Robert DeNiro here? Because, as he would say, its amateur hour out there tonight. I'm so god damned tired of watching Brandon Marshall drop passes. This guy may be the biggest fucking butterfingers in Broncos history. Ashley Lelie looks like Jerry Rice compared to this guy.

Jay Cutler is not without skills, but he's fragile. When things start to go bad, he starts making eratic throws and dumb decisions. He's kind of like Rex Grossman, but with some actual talent to justify his continuing presence in the league.

Speaking of dumb decisions, nice job No-Name Offensive Lineman slapping the ball out of Cutler's hand on the Packers one yard line.

Brett Favre is an asshat. Well, he's not so bad I guess, but the Brett Favre bandwagon that follows him wherever he goes is rife with asshats. We know he's passed Marino's career TD mark, why not remind us he's also broken the career INT mark? And seriously, who gives a damn what his wife has to say? "Do you feel it when he gets hit?" Real hard hitting stuff there ESPN. The Monday Night crew makes Tyra banks seem like Mike Wallace.

I honestly don't even care if they win tonight. If they do, its going to be on a last second Elam field goal.

Thoughts From Around the League

Will the '76 Bucs gather together with champagne if Miami or St. Louis go into the last game 0-15? I hope they do. These guys deserve a break. Look at that logo they had to wear. Its easily the gayest thing ever to come out of a sport that involves men in tights piling on top of one another.

Also, how sweet would it be if Miami went 0-16 and New England went 16-0? That would be the last we ever hear about the '72 Dolphins. Watching these miserable old farts finally get blown out of history books would just warm the cockles of my heart.

Oh yes, New England. Hate on America...its only making them better. Bill Cowher goes on CBS Sunday morning declaring Washington won't give up 30 to them. Brady and company go out and put 52 on the Skins. Bring on Mongoloid Manning and his coach Skeletor. Belichick has his scissors sharpened and no hoodie is safe.

Enough with the "running up the score" BS too. They aren't a running team and Brady can't start taking a knee in the 3rd quarter. If a team can't stop the Pats' backup QB throwing to backup receivers, that isn't New England's problem.

and now for something completely different...

I've never really commented on TV here, but frankly, series TV is total garbage. Once every few years you might get something worth watching: Family guy at its peak, The West Wing before they started that lazy "ripped from the headlines" shit, etc... The bulk of it consists of brain-dead laugh track comedies and offshoots of CSI and Law & Order.

Fox has come up with one that has caught my interest though. I started seeing previews for The Sarah Connor Chronicles this weekend. The series picks up the Terminator series after the events of T2.

Chances are it will be an abomination of epic proportions, but if there's one chance in a thousand it captures the greatness of the Terminator series, I'm in.

After the brilliant and underrated T3, I and many fans of the series were hoping for Terminator 4. Skynet had launched the nukes and John Connor and his future wife Kate Brewster (played by the oddly attractive Claire Danes) were riding it out in an old Air Force bunker. Terminator 4 just made so much sense. The war had begun...

But NO! Arnold had to continue the political career he started after usurping my namesake. T4 was not to be. Arnold is already old and saggy, so we can't wait around for 2010 when he leaves office.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles had better give me something to go on.

A Mile High Minute/Sun Devil Second: Week 7

Washington 21 Arizona 19

I'll pick things up about the same time Fox finally turned off that hideous 49ers game... Kurt Warner, now some sort of weird cyborg with no ligaments in his left arm, got the Cards in a position to win the game late. Unfortunately, a series of brainfarts conspired to give the Skins the victory.

Earlier in the game, Neil Rackers missed an extra point, so after scoring a TD with only seconds remaining, Arizona needed a two point conversion to tie. For reasons known only to him, Ken Whisenhunt decided to split Tim Rattay out wide and snap to Anquan Boldin. Larry Fitzgerald was wide open, but Boldin threw a horrendous pass even for a wide receiver and they missed the conversion.

With no choice but to try an onside kick, Arizona goes for it...and makes it! Locutus here takes them down the field for a Rackers FG attempt to win the game, but alas, he misses again.

Basically Arizona dominates Washington all day (the Skins only had 160 total yards) and manages to lose thanks to Neil Rackers and a botched gadget play. Ugh.

Denver 31 Pittsburgh 28

With that disappointment behind me, I prepared for the next one. I gave Denver NO chance against the Steelers, but look at that score. Occasionally, I like being wrong.

Denver dominated the first half. The defense looked solid and the offense was actually able to move the ball even with Travis Henry strugling.

The second half was a little rough. The defense switched from Orange Crush back to store-brand Orange Drink mode and gave up 21. The saving grace was the offense. They actually managed to keep up and gave the great Jason Elam a chance to win it. Naturally, he did.

I'll say it: Cutler with the game on the line is nerve racking. His errant throws are just asking for trouble. He got it done this week though, so I'll give him a pass.

I'll say this too: As I watch Cutler hand off to the *potent* Travis Henry, I put the odds at 50/50 that Jay Cutler is a virgin.

Thoughts From Around the League

New England - Tom Brady is STILL better than you.

Chevrolet - Someone should tell Chevy that no matter how good an advertising idea is, there is an overkill point. "Our Country" isn't even a particularly good advertising scheme and it makes me ill every time I hear it. I will never buy a Chevy now (honestly, I wouldn't have bought one before this, but this sealed it).

Ford - I don't care if your truck can tow Idaho. Tell me when it gets more than 12 miles per gallon.

Miller - Miller is hit and miss. The "Purveyors of the High Life" ads are about as close as a commercial can be to being good, but the Commissioner ads with that guy from Scrubs are awful. That guy was OK as Bob in Office Space, but he's associated with Zach Braff so natural law dictates he's annoying.

Yes, I'm commenting on commercials. The games were awful this week so I didn't pay much attention.

and now for something completely different...

Apparently Dumbledore is gay. OK then.

Two things come to mind.

1. JK Rowling is on an unending mission to terrify the religious nuts. Not only has she created a best selling book series about witchcraft involving teenagers, but now their beloved headmaster is gay. Beware! Your kids will turn away from Jesus and turn to spellcasting and turtlenecks! Somewhere, Jerry Falwell's corpse mutters "I told you so!"

2. How is it possible that after writing about 4000 pages, she has anything left to say about any of these characters? We learn everything down to Hermione's cup size and Ron's favorite brand of toothpaste, but there's still more backstory? Come on lady, time to wrap it up.

A Mile High Minute/Sun Devil Second: Week 5

To continue last week's story, things haven't gone well for our abused girlfriend. Not only was her neurologist boyfriend busted for drugs, he also totaled the new Mercedes by plowing into the kitchen of their posh suburban home. With things on the homefront as bad as they've ever been, she's decided to have lunch with the ex. Its just lunch damn it! No commitment whatsoever...

Chargers 41 Broncos 3

Christ that was horrible. The Broncos' worst home loss since my mother was six and to the lowly Chargers no less. Somehow, letting San Diego get off the mat is even worse than getting beat that bad.

Denver could do nothing right. They couldn't stop the Chargers and they couldn't move the ball. They couldn't even catch the ball. Put some tape on these receivers' hands already. Cutler looks like he's going to cry. Maybe if they wore proper receiver numbers they'd remember they're supposed to catch the ball. There's a special place in hell reserved for Keyshawn Johnson who resurrected the whole receivers wearing low numbers trend.

Cardinals 34 Rams 31

I'd say it feels like old times, but since it feels good, its nothing like old times with the Cardinals. They won a game they were supposed to. Shocking...

The revolving door at QB has come to an end with Leinart's broken collar bone. The Sultan of Stubble will call the shots for Arizona for anywhere from a month to the rest of the year. Since Leinart isn't fit to carry Warner's jockstrap at this point, the longer Warner is in there the better.

With Frerotte at QB, the Rams' offense showed signs of life. Unfortunately for them they also showed signs of having Frerotte at QB. Gus threw three TD passes but matched it with three INTs.

So Arizona pulls it out and share the lead in the NFC West after Seattle's offense took the day off. Mmmmm, this lunch sure is tasty...we should do it again sometime.

Thoughts From Around the League

Dallas - Tony Homo just threw five interceptions, which finally wiped that shit eating grin off his face, but Dallas still won the god damned game. I don't think I've said this with this much gusto since 1994, but I HATE THE DALLAS COWBOYS!

Tampa Bay and Kansas City - The Bucs and Chiefs rushed for 17 and 10 yards respectively. I put up numbers like this when I play Madden, but I compensate for it by throwing for 700 yards and 10 touchdowns. Neither of these teams managed to pull that off.

Baltimore - Fuck Rozerem. If you want a good night's sleep, watch the Ravens. They're 3-2 now, but I stand by my prediction that they'll be really bad. Look at their schedule and you'll see a 10-11 loss season for Baltimore.

Washington - Another prediction I stand by: Washington will make the playoffs. The Redskins are 21-0 at home against Detroit since 1937. Detroit should be kicked out of the league.

and now for something completely different...

The funniest thing you'll see on TV this fall isn't one of these half assed sitcoms with canned laughter, its Mike Ditka on ESPN's NFL Primetime.

Mike just can't understand why teams don't run the ball. He's somewhere in between tears and foaming at the mouth when he goes through these highlights and has to comment on the latest Drew Brees or Phillip Rivers interception.

The solution to everything is "pounding the ball". I'd like to see Mike host a self-help show for losers like Dr. Phil does. Your teenage daughter is a slut? Pound the ball (not your daughter). You weigh 800 pounds and can't leave the house? Run the ball more. Mike doesn't care that you can't take a piss by yourself, much less run. Just run the ball and the pounds will melt away. Soon you'll be twice as sexy as Mike!

A Mile High Minute: Week 4

I didn't catch the Broncos game this week. Instead of watching the expected loss to Indy, I went to catch The Kingdom. As Chaim said, its well worth a look. Lots of good movies are coming out this fall too. We Own the Night looks good in spite of Mark Wahlberg playing the same annoying asshole he did in The Departed. You know American Gangster won't disappoint - even in trainwrecks like Deja Vu, Denzel Washington is a badass. I'm also excited about Elizabeth: The Golden Age, which I can't decide if it makes me nerdy or gay. I'm going with nerdy because I'm interested in the history and not the Elizabethan fashion like that "other" blog might be.

So why am I doing a Mile High Minute if I didn't watch the Broncos game? Tradition dude, tradition.

To sum up the Broncos game: They lost to Indy. Big shock eh? On to the rest of the league, or at least the rest that I care to write about.

Thoughts from Around the League

St. Louis - Why is Bulger playing with broken ribs? Say what you will about Gus Frerotte, but he's better than an injured Bulger. As a former Los Angeles Rams fan, I'll admit I relish a little bit in seeing them struggle in St. Louis.

Philadelphia - While Donovan McNabb was doing his best David Carr impression (minus the fruity white gloves), where was Andy Reid? His line was getting eaten alive by this Osi Umenyiora character and he didn't make any adjustments. I know he's got family issues but if he's as distracted as he seems to be, he needs to take a leave of absence.

Chicago - Before you fans with the Rex fetish say "we told you so", remember it wasn't Griese who let Jon Kitna complete 83% of his passes. The only difference Grossman would have made is this would have been a 37-7 Detroit victory if he had played.

San Diego - The natives are getting restless. I heard on the radio today someone hung a huge "FIRE NORV" banner on a freeway overpass during the night. If the Chargers slide continues, he should hire a bodyguard before some insane powder-blue clad Bolts fan tries to assassinate him. Yes, an NFL head coach is important enough to use the term assassination.

*and now for something not entirely different...

Imagine if you will, a nice young lady walking through your local mall. She has a good life. Her new man is a neurologist and he treats her right. Then outside the Sears, she see's him: her ex.

It was a long, abusive relationship. He drank and would shout at her and throw empty Rolling Rock bottles all over the house. He demeaned her and emotionally tormented her and eventually started hitting her. She finally got the courage to leave him and called the cops. He went to the pokey for a few years. In the meantime, she got it together and settled into her nice new life with the neurologist.

Unable to stop herself, she says hi and they start talking. He says he's clean now and reformed. In fact, he just got a job drilling holes in sheet metal. Its hard work, but it pays OK.

Horrified, she finds herself wondering if he really has changed and if she made a horrible mistake leaving him. Will she throw her great life away for this ex-con who hit her? No, don't be foolish she tells herself, but still, there's just something about this guy...

.........

OK, now replace the abusive boyfriend with the Arizona Cardinals and the battered girlfriend with me. When the Rams moved to St. Louis, I was lost and foolishly turned to the Cardinals for comfort. Buddy Ryan took over as head coach and declared they "had a winner in town" and Buddy Ryan wouldn't be totally full of shit would he?

Buddy Ryan was full of shit. So was Vince Tobin, Dave McGinnis, Denny Green and every other Cardinals head man going back to Don Coryell. I can't remember a year that wasn't supposed to be the year Arizona turned it around and started to win. They never did.

Now, at 2-2 and only a few plays away from 4-0, it looks like Ken Whisenhunt might be getting it together. Leinart sucks? Bam! Kurt Warner comes in. The old Cardinals wouldn't have done that. They would have stuck it out with Leinart until the last dog died or they finished 3-13...whatever came first.

Life with Denver is good. They don't disappoint me with double-digit losses every season and extended periods of Josh McCown playing quarterback. Damned if I don't feel a bit of nostalgia for the Cards though...

I can't go back. They'll just destroy me again. But what if they actually have changed this time? God damn it Arizona...I wish I knew how to quit you!

*I actually offended myself with this analogy, so I apologize in advance.

A Mile High Minute: Week 3

The crappy play finally caught up to Denver...23-14 Jacksonville.

The game was an absolute bore. Denver only held the ball for 21 minutes. As I sit here, I don't even know what to say about it. When the other team controls the ball for 2/3rds of the game, you're probably going to lose.

Shanahan showed his gnads again though, going for it on 4th down inside his own 20. It didn't work, but they didn't have much choice. Jacksonville would have just run the clock out anyway.

Next week at Indy...christ. 2-2 here we come.

Thoughts from Around the League

Oakland - Lane Kiffin you son of a bitch...you were paying attention last week. Kiffin iced Phil Dawson on what would have been the game winning kick. Dawson then promptly missed the re-kick.

Philadelphia - What could I say about those uniforms that hasn't already been said? Well, nothing, so I'll just quote the great Keith Olbermann and say "they dressed up like the 1972 Winnipeg Blue Bombers."

New Orleans - OK everyone, they're 0-3. We can all go back to not giving a damn about them now. Big Easy fans, the five of you who actually care can start cutting eyeholes in the brown bags now. You'll need to put them on your heads again soon.

Chicago - I don't like the Bears, but PLEASE for the love of god and the sake of football fans everywhere, bench Rex Grossman. We deserve better than this. I can't watch this hack anymore. This guy is beginning to make Danny Wuerffel look like the GOOD Florida QB. Yesterday's QB rating was 25 and he's only posting a 45 for the year. BENCH HIM NOW!

San Diego - Umm, is it too late to rescind my Chargers Super Bowl pick? These guys blow. Rivers sucks, no one but Gates can catch anything, Tomlinson can't run, and the defense can't stop anyone. The only team they've beat so far has been the Bears, resulting in this embarassing display from the Saloon's own Brant Brown. He lost a bet with our favorite saucy, yet insanely loyal Chargers fan bartender and had to wear this Gates jersey all day. At least it wasn't powder blue.

and now for something completely different...

The 1-2-3-4 iPod nano commercial is driving me insane.

Apparently this demon offspring of Pam Dawber and Karen Carpenter pre-anorexia Apple is pushing on us is known as "Feist". This woman is getting more exposure than Peyton Manning. Frankly, at this point, I'd rather see a commercial with him singing.

Today I hear that song is the #1 internet download right now. Are you f-ing kidding me America? Was your Manilow collection full? Norah Jones too hard? Calling this tripe elevator music would be generous.

Get this abomination off my TV.

A Mile High Minute: Week 2

To quote myself: "Well, that was ugly. A win is a win though, and especially in the AFC you have to win these BS games."

If not for Shanahan's Jedi mind trick in OT, they would have lost to the Raiders...blech. They probably deserved to lose, but losses to Oakland won't be tolerated. With the loss, Oakland starts their third straight winless year versus the AFC West.

Cutler looked bad in the 2nd half, which has to be cause for worry for Broncos fans everywhere. About the only thing I can say is at least he took that safety rather than throwing it away and potentially having a pick returned for a TD.

In OT, Denver got the ball first and promptly did nothing. Oakland then went downfield into Janikowski's field goal range, and shit, they've won... Wait, did I hear a whistle? Yes I did! Shanahan calmly and cooly called a time out just before the kick. Oakland has to kick again, and lets be honest, everyone in the stadium knows that fat sack of pork rinds and beer isn't going to hit two clutch kicks in a row. Denver gets the ball back, and finally show life, moving down the field for Elam to win on a chip shot.

Phew! Christ though, it never should have come to this. I've lowered my expectations now and only ask the Broncos to play a complete game one of these weeks. On the plus side, with the Chargers loss, they're in first for the moment.

Thoughts from Around the League

Houston - If Shanahan is Obi Wan, I guess that makes Gary Kubiak Anakin Skywalker by default. He's doing well now, but remember what happens to him. If Kubiak gets his arm and legs sliced off on a volcanic planet, I'm going into the psychic business. Call me now for your free reading!

Cleveland - Watch them get shut out this week.

New York Giants - 45 points to Tony Homo, now 35 to a guy in a walker. Unfortunately they don't play Cincinnati or we could see a 70-63 game.

Atlanta Falcons - The Joey Harrington experiment seems to be coming to a close. Long live Byron Leftwich! They've also signed 47 year old Morten Andersen. Morten is literally older than my mom.

Tennessee - The Titans are on the brink of actually being good. Get another year under Young's belt and they win that game. A memo to the rest of the NFL - look how a coach can turn a team around if you just let him do his job. You don't need to automatically fire a guy after a bad year or two.

and now for something completely different...

A Mile High Minute

Well, that was ugly. A win is a win though, and especially in the AFC you have to win these BS games.

Cutler throws for 300, Henry runs for 139 and fathers two children, and you can only muster 15 points? Come on Offensive Genius, I want to see 40 points on the board against the Raiders next week to make up for this debacle.

It shouldn't have ever come down to a last second kick, but I'll admit that was exciting. With the clock and crowd counting down the seconds, the Broncos went with the Chinese Fire Drill play Shanahan drew up after waking in a cold sweat back in March. The speedy 37 year old kicker Jason Elam, not christian rocker Jason Elam, runs on field, the team scrambles to snap it and with one second left Elam nails one of the straightest kicks of his career to give Denver a 15-14 win.

On a somber note, best wishes to Kevin Everett and his family.

Thoughts from Around the League

New England - To everyone who thought Moss was done: Eat it. Why didn't he do anything the last couple years? Playing in Oakland with Andrew Walter completing one of every 10 passes might have had something to do with that.

Chicago - Someone call Jeff Gilooly, Sexy Rexy is going to have to be kneecapped if you want this team to win this year. Honestly, did Brian Griese nail Lovie Smith's wife? I can't think of any reason they would stick with Grossman over him at this point. Griese is no Elway, more like a Mike Tomczak, but seriously Lovie...

Baltimore - If anyone doubted me when I predicted Baltimore would suck this year, just watch a replay of the 20 or so chances they had to tie up that game on Monday night. They're going nowhere.

New York Giants - 45 points allowed to Tony Homo running a Wade Phillips offense? Indy could put up 100 on these guys. No John Madden, Tiki Barber wouldn't help these sad sacks.

and now for something completely different...

Was Britney Spears really that much worse than she ever was at the VMAs? I say no. Her singing/lip-syncing was always terrible and her choreography has never been anything but unnatural and absurd.

Everyone be honest now...its not the singing or dancing and it never was. She's 10-15 pounds heavier now. The slight jiggle as she sashayed across the stage was like Alan Alda passing smelling salts under the collective noses of America. I won't be that guy who's like "oh, she's 15 pounds overweight and I'm too good for that," but I will be that guy who says she's moved from hot pop star category to cute checker at Target that you want to hit on but the voice in your head tells you no because you know in five years she'll be 300 pounds, wearing mumus, and watching Dr. Phil from a double-wide trailer. Like Jerry Brown dumping Linda Ronstadt in the early 80s, you're smart and know when to dodge a bullet.

*Its always a good day if you can say you squeezed in a Jerry Brown reference when you went off on a Britney Spears tangent.

Mile High Minute: FU Tampa Bay Edition

The Broncos agreed to trade Jake Plummer to Tampa Bay Friday, but Jake the Snake wants no part of it. Instead of accepting banishment to Tampa Bay where he would have had to compete for the starting job with that kid who would be delivering pizzas if his last name wasn’t Simms, Jake called it a career with a message on his website.

So ends the up and down career of Plummer, who for years has been my favorite player. He wasn’t always the best, or frankly even that good from time to time, but god damn it, he had character and was a constant threat to make the 4th quarter of even an Arizona Cardinals game interesting.

I was a Plummer fan going back to his days as a Sun Devil. He put up good numbers at ASU and nearly led the Sun Devils to national title in 1996-97. In the Rose Bowl against Ohio State, he drove the No. 2 ranked Sun Devils down the field to take a 17-14 lead with only 90 seconds remaining in the game. The Buckeyes didn’t waste that time though, and quickly took back the lead 20-14 and won the game.

Plummer was drafted by the Arizona Cardinals that year, which in the pre-Pink Taco Stadium days meant he would play his pro ball in the same stadium he played his college ball. He took over as the starter in 1998 and led the team to its first playoff appearance since 1982 and first playoff victory in 51 years. The rest of his tenure with the Cardinals was a mixed bag, but then again, who succeeds on the Cardinals?

In 2003, he signed with the Denver Broncos. With actual talent and a good offensive coaching staff around him, Plummer had the best years of his career. In 2004, he broke John Elway’s franchise record for most passing yards and tied his record for most touchdown passes. Also that year, he was fined by the NFL for refusing to remove the number 40 from his helmet in honor of his friend Pat Tilman who left the NFL to serve in Afghanistan.

In 2005, Plummer quit shaving or cutting his hair (again apparently to honor the fallen Tilman), and led the Broncos to the AFC championship game where they lost to the Steelers. The less said about 2006 the better, but he leaves the Broncos with a record of 40-13 as a starter – tough to beat.

So, goodbye Jake. I can’t say I blame you. Unless you like mosquito bites and trailer trash, there isn’t much in Tampa. Thanks for the decade of fun football.

A Mile High Minute...Jay "Jesus" Cutler Edition

After months of clamoring from the Plummer haters, Mike Shanahan benched the veteran in favor of rookie Jay Cutler from Vanderbilt. Cutler is supposed to be the new Elway and save a franchise on its way to the playoffs from missing the playoffs (huh?).

Erm...no such luck. Cutler put up piss poor numbers against the Seahawks and the Broncos lost for the third game in a row. When they were in the AFC, the Seahawks couldn't buy a win at Mile High but they pulled it out last night. The final score was much closer than it should have been because of a lucky shot from Cutler to fellow rookie Brandon Marshall late in the forth.

Take two against the Chargers next week...I'm not holding my breath.

Gross, man.

I'm no Bears fan, but seriously, its time for the Rex Grossman experiment to end. Grossman was 6 of 19 for 34 yards and 3 picks against the Vikings as the Bears again won in spite of their offense's best efforts to lose. Brian Griese is no Jim McMahon...hell he isn't even a Steve Walsh or Eric Kramer, but he's a damn sight better than Grossman. If the Bears want to do another lame Super Bowl dance this year its time for the Griese era to begin.

A Mile High Minute...Denny Green Meltdown Edition

So the Arizona Cardinals fell apart Monday night against the Bears...big shock. Well, to be fair, it was a pretty bad meltdown even by Cardinal standards. The Bears were down 23-3 with about a quarter to play, and somehow came back to win in spite of six Rex Grossman turnovers (welcome back to earth assclown) and no offense to speak of. Aside from kicker Neil Rackers, the Cardinals looked good in the game too - but they suffer from the Billy Bowtie Curse and are forever doomed.

After the game, Coach Denny Green took the podium and had his own meltdown to rival the one his Cardinals just completed on field. You can enjoy it in all its unbleeped glory at Youtube. This one may go down in the annals of great Coach/Manager meltdowns, which the good folks at The Arizona Republic are kind enough to give us a sample of. Yes, everyone's two favorites - Jim Mora's "PLAYOFFS?!?!?!?" and Lee Elia's rant against "those fucking fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans" - are chronicled there.

As for the Broncos, after whom this awesome column is named, they still have no offense. The defense continues to stifle all they encounter though and they're tied with San Diego for 1st place. Not much else to say here.