TMS Beer Project: Shock Top Belgian White

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Shock Top Belgian White

Brewery: Shock Top Brewing Co. Anheuser-Busch

Type: It thinks it's a Belgian Style Wheat

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle someone brought to my house and left here.

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 5
All 5 points go to the fact that I can drink it with ease.  No points go to the fact that this is the shittiest excuse for a Belgian White I've ever had. Maybe a small bit of citrus detected but the coriander is non-existent.  Did they just waft a bowl of coriander over the top of the brewing tank and call it good?

Look I don't like to get all beer snob with these but for fuck's sake look at the label in the photo.  If you advertise coriander, you better deliver some god damn coriander.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 4
Hearty? If Karen Carpenter was a bottled beer, this would be it.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 5
It's 5.2% so I suppose it'll get you drunk, if I chose to drink more of this shit.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Jim Edmonds.  Fucker is probably sucking one back now.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: As far as six packs of "microbrews" go, I don't think it's too terribly expensive, but why the fuck bother? If you really want this beer then go get some Goose Island 312, or even some Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat. I cannot tell you enough how incredibly not good this beer is.

Overall: 2
This beer is as phony as the crappy "microbrewery" that makes it. I have a hard time liking much of anything in St. Louis, and Shock Top certainly doesn't help matters.  If you must drink St. Louis beer then I wholly endorse the fine brews from Schlafly. Check those out instead of this pee water.

TMS Beer Project: Grain Belt Premium

Apparently everyone at the Saloon forgot we were running a fucking blog again.  In an attempt to keep some content fresh, allow me to revive an old feature.  Also did the Cubs win?  Eh, it doesn't matter.

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Grain Belt Premium

Brewery: August Schell Brewing Co.

Type: I don't know, fucking BEER I guess.

Receptacle: 16 ounce god damn tall boy

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7
It's not bad, but it is a heavy so if you have a vagina and can only handle light beers you're probably not going to fare well.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6
It's a regular blue collar beer.  It's got some meat to it but it's not going rape your taste buds (it may rape your soul).

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 8
It's a traditional macro, and the fact that the ABV isn't labeled leaves me to believe it's probably around a 4.9%.  However these are tall boys that I'm drinking.  In fact it was a 12 pack of tall boys.  I didn't know such things even existed until tonight.  What else have I missed in my 33 years of life?  So many more questions than answers have arose.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Prince, Tim Pawlenty, Jesse Ventura, Rod Carew, Zombie Kirby Puckett, Brian Dennehy.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: Grain Belt seems to sell at a higher price than PBR or High Life.  Sometimes too high in my opinion.  You shouldn't be spending over 10 bucks for a 12 pack.  Unless of course the 12 pack is god damn tallboys.  Seriously, tall boys in a 12 pack? What an age to be alive!

Overall: 8.12515
In the world of blue collar macro beers, Grain Belt is really overlooked and underrated in my opinion.  PBR has the hipster crowd locked up.  Schlitz has the hipsters that have tired of PBR.  Old Style has the Cub fans.  And High Life picks up the rest of America that shakes their cock at shitty light beer.  If you haven't tried Grain Belt I highly recommend it if you can find it.  More often than not it comes in bottles.  But if you happen to find tall boys in a 12 pack, you buy that shit and never look back.

TMS Beer Project: Part One of the New Glarus 12 Pack Sampler

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer(s):

New Glarus Brewing Sampler

So a few weeks ago I went up to Wisconsin and while I was there I picked up two 12 packs of New Glarus Brewing Company Samplers. I have had their most famous beer, Spotted Cow, numerous times on tap and in-bottle at many local establishments in Wisconsin, so having tried their flagship I wanted to explore the world of New Glarus a bit more. While we in Louisville here have the BBC (which is the only company that bottles), or Bluegrass Brewing Company, there isn't much in the way of local brewing that you can buy in a store. My personal favorite place here is Cumberland Brews (For the record: I disown Kentucky Ale. Its way to expensive, nasty and made in Lexington where beer should never be made.)


Dancing Man Wheat

Type: German Style Hefewiezen

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle (with Cubs Jersey Coozie)

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 8
Strong willed wheat beers aren't for everyone but this is a nice smooth one that has a fresh crisp taste that is great for a sweltering summer day.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 8
Since it is bottle conditioned it is extra yeasty, allowing the flavor to reach every corner of your mouth. It is very filling and you should consider not eating for a while if you intend to drink three of these. It is also mandatory that you take a 15-30 minute break after drinking to assume the "Grandpa" position in your Lay-Z-Boy recliner.

See: Grandpa Position

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 7
For a Hefewiezen its par for the course, but for your average run-of-the-mill person you're looking at getting hammered off of 4 of these bad boys in a short time span.

Overall: 8.5
I've had better, truer, hefewiezens but this is a good domestic version of one, in fact one of the better domestic versions that I have had.

TMS Beer Project: Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Ale

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Bigfoot Ale

Brewery: Sierra Nevada Brewery

Type: American Barleywine

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 5
I'm gonna be polite and give it only a five. Even if you can handle the more complex beers, Bigfoot is a barleywine and takes shit to a whole new level. Either you can handle it, or you can't. There is no in-between here.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 9
Don't get me wrong. It's by no means heavy like a stout. But I can honestly say this is the first beer that I can truly taste the alcohol when I drink it.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 10
It's a barleywine folks, and if you aren't familiar with that family of beer let me just say, it'll fuck your life up. Bigfoot weighs in at a hefty 9.6 abv. Good to know if you plan on taking down a six pack in one evening.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Adam Blank (once he's out of vodka), John Lithgow, Ron Perlman, Andre the Giant.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: I don't remember what I paid for it. But it's Sierra Nevada and their beer is often on sale around here. It can't be more than what Arcturus paid for his Dos Equis Amber, which I might say was a pretty penny for Mexican beer.

Overall: 9.99
This shit is fabulous. It's good if you appreciate beer, and it'll get you drunk like none other. Just remember to not overdo it. Bigfoot is a large mythical beast, and like it's namesake this beer will ruin your fucking life if you don't respect it.

TMS Beer Project: Dos Equis Amber

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Dos Equis Amber

Brewery: Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma, S.A. de C.V.
Type: Vienna Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 9.5
This is a very smooth beer. It has a mild malty taste with a hint of caramel and some smokiness. It goes really well with a meal at your favorite Mexican restaurant, especially something spicy. The flavor of the beer really seems to meld with the spicy peppers and chillies found in Mexican dishes and enhances the overall experience of both the beer and the meal.

Personally, I could drink these all night long, my one complaint being that the last few swallows from the bottle taste a little watery to me. I've had Dos Equis Amber in Mexican restaurants with a lime and at home without and I actually prefer it without. The lime flavor obscures some of this beer's natural smokiness and to me, that's a bad thing. The only other Mexican beer I've ever had is Corona and flavorwise, this kicks Corona's ass.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 5
These aren't real heavy, which is one reason they go so well with a real stick to your ribs meal. (See above for my comment on the last few swallows from the bottle.) This is a great beer for drinking while you're throwing some seasoned steak on the grill on a warm summer day.


Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 3
Dos Equis Amber has an alcohol content of 4.75%. I'm a drinking lightweight and I have to knock back almost a sixer of these before I start getting buzzed. If you're looking to get drunk, this is not the beer for you, son. These are perfect to drink with people you'd rather not embarrass yourself in front of, like your co-workers or your wife.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Bill Clinton, Ernest Hemingway, and of course, The Most Interesting Man in the World.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: I paid $14.00 for a 12 pack of this stuff. Worth every penny.

Overall: 9

In all honesty, I'm hardly a beer expert. Of all the Bartenders, I'm probably the least knowledgeable about beer, particularly smaller, independent breweries. I also have very little money, so I don't experiment very often. I tend to find something I like and stick with it for long stretches of time. I tried one of these in my favorite Mexican restaurant and have been hooked ever since. So take my opinion for what it's worth, but this has become my beer of choice over the past month or so.

TMS Beer Project: Hamm's

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Hamm’s

I think Hamm’s deserves a bit of a preamble. This venerable beer (first brewed in 1865, no doubt to celebrate the end of the bloody American Civil War) is in the same family of Cheap American Lager as the more commonly consumed PBR and Old Style, but of late has failed to be fully retrofitted into either the Hipster Community (like the former) or the Chad Community (the latter). Of especial note is the incredibly awesome vintage commercial featuring the Hamm’s Bear, that can be found on youtube:

Apparently, Hamm’s had a heavy sponsorship of Chicago baseball in the 50s and 60s, but as I have only been on this earth for 33 years, and in Chicago for 5, I do not see much evidence of this once mighty footprint.

Brewery: Miller. Which means it now joins High Life as The Only Two Miller Products I Don’t Hate. Seriously, if you’re ever in the Buena Park region and want 3 cans of Miller Lite that my dad left last time he came to town, let me know. The process that made it a Miller product is fairly tortuous: according to Wikipedia, the Minnesota-based Hamm’s family sold the brewery in 1968 to the Hueblein Brewing Company, then a long chain of mergers and purchases pushed its ownership through Olympia (“It’s the Water!”), Pabst (“It’s the Aluminum!”), Stroh’s (“It’s…affordable…”), and finally Miller (“It’s crap!”), which is actually owned by some South Africans now, apparently.

Type: American Pisswater Lager (If you know me, you know I don’t mean that in a bad way)

Receptacle: 12 ounce can. I’m sure you can get it in a bottle as well, but cheap beer belongs in cans, dammit.

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): Ease of drinkability is at least an 8. If you can’t drink this, you are either the lightest lightweight in the history of lightweights or a pretentious ass that only drinks skunky hippie microbrews. However, if drinkability = flavor in your mind, knock this down to about a 5. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s moving into “making love in a canoe” territory.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 3. Hamm’s is, after all “From the Land of Sky Blue Waters.”

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 3. Maybe 4 on an empty stomach. An ABV of 4.73% pretty much means you need to really pound the everloving hell out of these to get too embarrassingly drunk. I downed about 5 of these with a burger and tater tots, and a shot of tequila, and I was fine. And I'm not a remorseless boozing maching like Dave "White Chili" Thomas.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Well, I had it at the Holiday Club, so maybe Vince Vaughn. That and old Midwestern guys like Dennis Franz and Dennis Farina. Hell, any ex Chicago cop named Dennis that became an actor.

Affordability ($ being chiclets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): ¢. This is about as cheap as you can get without choosing “American” Beer at Delilah’s on Punk Rock Night.

Overall: 8. But I love cheap, pisswater lager. My tastes in beer are pretty much either “High End Import” or “Under $5 a six pack.” The middle-of-the-road is for dead possums with yellow stripes on their backs. So, buyer beware!

TMS Beer Project: Hop Juice Double IPA

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Hop Juice Double IPA*
(AKA Left Coast Hop Juice)

Brewery: Oggi's Pizza & Brewing Co.

Type: American Double / Imperial IPA

Receptacle: 22 oz. bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7, If you're looking for a cool, refreshing beer on a hot 112 degree day, this beer is NOT for you. If you're looking for a beer with a flavor that is going to kick you in the dick with it's skunky hops, then step on up to the bar, son. This beer will put hair on your chest and grow your balls back from when your girlfriend took them and made you watch "The Notebook". I would compare the drinkability of this beer using my good friend K-Wil as an example. We once gave him a glass of Macallan 18 Year Old and he cringed. This is why we no longer give him good Scotch, and this is why when he comes over to watch the Cubs games he always brings Coors Light. The point is, if you have sophisticated and mature tastes, you can handle this beer. If you prefer Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit, this beer probably isn't for you.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 10, This beer is hop to the max. From the description on the label:

The recipe calls for hops to be used in every step of the brewing process: in the mash, in a hop back, in the fermenter and in the bright tanks. We use hop extract, hop pellets and hop flowers, hence the name Hop Juice. Hop Juice spends more than 4 weeks dry hopping in the fermenter and the bright beer tank. It is approximately 9.4% abv and has massive IBUs.

This beer is not to be taken lightly, but if you love hoppy beer, then this is for you. It's taste also includes a citrus and malt background to support the hops and has a piny and warming alcohol sensation that lingers long after your last sip, although does not leave that rancid taste in your mouth like many IPA's. It drinks like a nice Scotch that should be enjoyed rather than as a means to an end of getting wasted. Think of it as the Ravinia of beer, rather than the Double Door.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 9, Hope Juice is 9.4% ABV which makes it more of a session beer than anything. It's served in a bomber, which will get you a nice a buzz. Drink one and you'll be feeling fine, drink more than one and you'll be on the floor.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Would celebrities drink this beer? I highly doubt it, it's limited availability to California, Arizona, Philadelphia and Long Island make it a brew that is known by a select few. If a celebrity would be involved, it would include one who likes a real beer (hard to find around those pansy asses) so maybe Jaime Oliver, Zane Lamprey, or Gordon Ramsay.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$$, This beer was $5.49 for the 22 oz. bottle, but I've tasted much worse beer that paled in comparison to this for a much higher price. If you can find this beer, it's definitely worth any price just to try it once. Of course, my first taste was free at a beer festival, and now I have to pay for it, which kinda makes it like the crack of Double IPA's.

Overall: 9, But I'm biased, because I love IPA's. The hoppier, the better. Plus at almost 10%, this beer will make feel good afterward whether you like it or not. Personally, it's one of the few high alcohol content beers that I've had that doesn't push the alcohol flavor too much. If you like hops, this should be on your list to try, as it is one of the more drinkable "super IPA's" that you will find. Either you'll love it, our you'll hate it, and by that I mean either you know how to change your oil, throw a football, and smoke cigars, or you like ballets and crocheting.

Go Cubs!

*Two Brothers Brewing Company out of Warrenville, IL also makes a beer by the name of Hop Juice. This is not that beer.

TMS Beer Project: Hoegaarden

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Hoegaarden

Brewery: Brouwerij van Hoegaarden, Hoegaarden, Belgium

Type: Witbier

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle poured into a glass

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 8, I've never been a real big fan of the Belgian white beers (I'm not counting Blue Moon, although if you are drinking that stuff you better be female or Chaim Witz). I'm talking about the real Belgian witbier. The stuff that's usually an unfiltered wheat with orange peel and coriander and some other crazy spices those wacky Belgians like to toss in. For me the overabundance of coriander generally turns me off to this style of brew. However Hoegaarden gets it right. There's the nice, light taste of the wheat with the hint of citrusy orange. Then the coriander is casually joining the party at the end, but he's just walking over to the corner of the room to make friendly conversation, not like some Belgian whites I had where coriander kicks down the door, suckerpunches you in the sternum, steals your wallet and gives your sister herpes. No this coriander is much more subtle and acceptable in modern society. I'd let it walk my dog or mow my lawn with no worries.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 3, A hearty beer it is not, which is fine. You're not looking for something heavy to make you feel like you just drank a Hungry Man TV dinner. This is a light ideal beer for hot midwest summer days. In fact this is the good summer beer you can drink year round, unlike some of those special "summer brews" you folks clamor for when it's in season.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 6, At only 4.9% ABV, Hoegaarden packs a healthy amount of alcohol like a traditional American macro would. Nice enough to get a good buzz going on your back deck but not so strong that you pass out in the sun and wind up burning like John Candy in 'Summer Rental.'

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Herman Van Rompuy, Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson, Dr. Evil, Gerardus Mercator, Justine Henin and Kim Clijsters.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$$, I honestly can't remember how much I spent on this. I guess whatever your standard price for a six pack of European import beer is probably what it's going to run you.

Overall: 8.5, I have come to quite enjoy Hoegaarden (it's pronounced Hoo-garden for those of you that have made numerous "hooker farm" jokes by this point). It's not going to be a regular in my fridge any time soon but for a hot summer day outside I would highly recommend it.

TMS Beer Project: Löwenbräu

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Löwenbräu

Brewery: Löwenbräu AG Germany
Type: Munich Helles Lager

Receptacle: 33oml bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 10
This is not the shit that Miller brewed in the 70s under the Löwenbräu name. This is the real deal, brewed according to the German "Reinheitsgebot" law. Löwenbräu was the beer that my old man drank while we were stationed in Germany for three years on Ramstein Air Force Base. It's the first beer I remember him letting me taste. (I was probably four or five at the time. We start our youngins off early in my family.) It was good then and it's still good now.

The flavor is smooth with a hint of wheaty goodness for a light, crisp taste. This is not a heavy beer, but it still has a fuller flavor than a light beer. You can taste the hops and it has a bit of a bite to it that I find enjoyable. This is one of my favorite beers to drink, especially with a meal.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6 Like I said above, it's got more body than a light beer, but it's definitely not on the robust side. I could probably drink 7 or 8 of these and not feel bloated.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 8 This bad boy boasts a 5.20% ABV, so after three of these the other night I was feeling pretty fine. Of course, after I devoted myself to the Church of V the C, my tolerance levels plummeted faster than GM stock, so I'm probably not the best judge here.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: David Hasslehoff, Rudolf Schenker, a black-eyed Hitler, my old man.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$$: I paid $7.99 and tax for my six pack of this stuff, which is why I only buy it on "special" occasions. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find it locally in a twelve pack. It's one of the few beers that I could probably drink more than six of in a single sitting.

Overall: 10
Unlike Chip Wesley, I prefer a light beer, especially since my drinking is usually combined with eating. Löwenbräu is far and away my favorite beer because it's a real easy drinking beer that doesn't sacrifice flavor in the process. I could drink buckets of this stuff. Plus it's got that nice nostalgia factor going for it, as it makes me remember volksmarches and some of the beer halls my parents would go to after during our brief stay in Germany. Put on your lederhosen and drink up.

TMS Beer Project: Goose Island Summertime

Goose Island Summertime

Brewery: Goose Island Brewing Company, Chicago, IL

Type: German Style Kolsch

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7, This beer is definitely drinkable, although after a while the subtle fruitiness (like my persona) becomes more pronounced and you'll need a palette cleanser. That said, this beer probably lends itself better to a sixer on a hot summer day than a 12 pack of poundage.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed pork chop infected with swine flu): 3, In the previous paragraph I used the phrase 'subtle fruitiness'. That should tell you all you need to know about it's heartiness. Really, if you can handle the superior Goose Island 312, you can handle this. It won't put any hair on your chest, but it's certainly no Miller Chill.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 5, 4.7 % alcohol. That's also the percent chance you'll get drunk after one. Much like interest on your student loan though, it gets exponentially higher after that first one.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Goose Gossage, Emmanuel Lewis, Christopher Nolan, Jazzy Jeff.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$, I bought a 12 pack on sale for $11. I'm no good at math, so...you do the math.

Overall: 7.5, A very solid beer, this is essentially the metro-sexual brother of Goose Island 312. Crisp and fresh, and a little sweeter than it's brethren, this one is good for grilling out in the sun and shirking chores.

TMS Beer Project: Old Style Lager

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Old Style

Brewery: G. Heileman Brewing Co.

Type: American Adjunct Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 10, Earlier this Spring when I heard that Old Style went back to the kraeusening process, I was absolutely giddy. Back when it was really brewed by G. Heileman (the brewing company now only exists in name only) kraeusening was an aging process that was used to make Old Style. Originally developed by the Germans as a means to carbonate beer, it also served as a second fermentation process. In the mid-90's when Stroh's took over the Old Style label they discontinued the kraeusening process.

So is the new/old kraeusened Old Style good? You're god damn straight it is. I can't really explain it fully but, as strange and disturbing as this may sound, it tastes like my childhood. In a good way, not in a sad "daddy drinks because you cry/this is what happens when you spill paint in the garage (shows cigarette burn in arm)" way.

There's just something nostalgic about it. I grew up with friends joking about Old Style and beers like it as "crap my dad drinks." Well if this is how it tasted back then, can you blame them?

Did any of that make sense? No? Let's just move on....

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6, Being that it's a traditional lager, one shouldn't expect this to be real heavy and slow-drinking. Granted the folks drinking their Michael Bolton Light will find it a bit jarring to them. Don't worry, that's called flavor. Flavor is a good thing.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 6, Old Style is only 4.7% ABV, but it's so damn tasty you'll be pretty well shitfaced by the time you've had your fill on this delicious nectar of the blue-collar gods.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Cadwallader C. Washburn, the cast of any John Hughes film from the 1980's, Jake the Neighborhood Guy, your dad.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$, This one would've been just one $ a few months ago, but with a new taste comes a new price and unfortunately it's a higher one. $10 for a 12 pack of bottles.

Overall: 10, I've made it quite known in the past that I hate pretty much all light beer. Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite? They're the adult contemporary pop music of the beer world. Watered-down, unoriginal, manufactured to appeal to the masses. No thanks, I'd much rather have a PBR, Schlitz, High Life, and of course, Old Style. With the revival of kraeusening as well as Schlitz returning back to it's 1960's formula (a beer project on that is forthcoming) it seems like the old school American lagers are seeing a bit of a renaissance, and I for one welcome it.

This guy enjoys Old Style. He also thinks Bud Light is for Communists and wonders why his wife can't learn to cook better.

TMS Beer Project: Bard's Tale Dragon's Gold

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Bard's Tale Dragon's Gold

Brewery: Bard's Tale Brewery, brewed on contract by Gordon Biersch

Type: Specialty Grain Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 1, This beer is a good example of "Read the fine print". Dragon's Gold is a beer designed for people who are allergic to gluten, a substance found in barley, wheat, and rye - all substances found in "normal" beers. Dragon's Gold replaces those essential beer ingredients with sorghum. Yes, it's as bad as it sounds. I had no idea. I fully confess that I bought it on appearance and the fact that I used to play The Bard's Tale on PC as a kid.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 3, I guess there's a scant smattering of hops in it, but that is overwhelmed by the horrible taste. It pours an orange-ish brown, and in the two bottles I've seen poured (I duped a buddy into trying one), there was very little head.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 3, Weighs in at 4.7% ABV, which isn't an imperial stout by any means, but packs a bit more of a punch than the macrobrew at your local gas station. Again, the taste gets in the way, and there's no way I could get drunk on these, being I couldn't even finish the one that I opened.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: The members of Phish, Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, and Leftover Salmon, Brad Pitt (Legends of the Fall Era), Turk Wendell, Bill Walton.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $, Eight bones for a six pack. A little on the high side, but for a specialty/craft brew it's about par for the course.

Overall: 1, The best thing about it was the bottle design. I'd have to say this was one bad beer. It had a born-on date, which I had to keep checking just to make sure it wasn't spoiled. You know how wine snobs always talk about how something finishes? Well, this was the first time I've noticed a finishing for a beer..."sour apple" rings a bell. Watery, bad taste, sorta fruity...bad taste, need I say more? After perusing their website, it says that the brewmasters there are Celiacs, people who are allergic to gluten, so it makes sense. But Jeez, it's bad enough that you're messed up in that you have that condition, but then you have to drink this weasel piss? I guess life isn't fair.

TMS Beer Project: Mojave Gold

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Mojave Gold

Brewery: Indian Wells Brewing Co., Inyokern, CA

Type: Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 10, Being a bit of a macrobrew snob (if such a thing exists), I'm always a little skeptical of microbrews. All too frequently they don't lend themselves to multiple bottles. This however is smooth and highly drinkable. I could easily run through 3 or 4 in the time span it takes Sarah Palin to answer a tough question like "what's your favorite color?"

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 4, There's a little meat to this but I wouldn't by any means call it hearty. No need to order those "rib sticking meals" from the Mike Golic commercial to lose weight after you have a few.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 3, Clocking in at 4.4% alcohol, its going to take a few of these to get you drunk. Fortunately it tastes so damn good you won't mind.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Sheryl Crow, Bryan Cranston, Robert Plant, and Coco Crisp (5 points if you get this)

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $, Seven bucks at a trendy store like Whole Foods translates to about $5 per six pack at a proper store.

Overall: 9, I absolutely love this brew! I hail from a two-mule desert town like Inyokern, so I bought it merely out of curiosity. Its one of the more pleasant surprises of my alcohol drinking life. Its easy to drink and tastes great. Mojave Gold is definitely making it into my regular rotation.

Downtown Inyokern...where it all happens.

TMS Beer Project: Budweiser American Ale

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Budweiser American Ale

Brewery: Anheuser-Busch, USA

Type: American/Amber Ale

Receptacle: 12 oz. bottle, which claims: "Carefully brewed with barley from America's heartland and cascade hops from the Pacific Northwest, this rich, amber-colored ale has robust flavor and a distinctive, hoppy finish."

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 6. If you're going into drinking one of these thinking it will taste like Budweiser or Michelob, you are dead wrong. The first thing that will jump out at you is the existence of hops. What? In a mass-produced product? Get out of town! According to it's website, it's even dry-hopped with Cascade hops. The aftertaste is a bit lacking, but I'd have no problem saying this is easily the most drinkable of the Bud products out there.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 7. When you compare it to the main products put out by A-B, it's pretty thick, but keep in mind what you're comparing it to. If compared to other Pale Ales like those put out from craft brewers like Sierra Nevada, Goose Island, and Bell's to name a few, it's definitely on the watery end of the spectrum.

That being said, it really is a traditional American Ale, very close to that of Goose Island's Honkers Ale. It doesn't have overwhelming hoppiness, but that's not what you drink an American Ale for.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 6. The American Ale clocks in at 5.3% ABV. Not too low, but pretty much the same as Bud Heavy. We're not talking an Imperial India Pale Ale here, and it packs the same wallop as it's competition. If it's only $0.50 more than a pint of Macrobrew, take the American Ale so you get your buzz on quicker, and with greater flavor.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Joe Buck, "beer enthusiast" Jason Biggs, Frank Stallone, Guy Fieri.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$. I'm taking a total stab at the price. American Ale hasn't been released here yet, I only happened on a few bottles by way of knowing a Bud distributor. If I had to take a wild guess, I'd say it would price out very close to the "craft" stuff being put out under the Michelob label.

Overall: 7. A very safe American Ale. Keep in mind, they aren't claiming this to be an IPA. Let's be realistic here, this beer is bound to be trashed and looked down upon from the start by beer snobs and homebrewers alike. I can't see this beer being designed for them. I view it as almost a "starter" beer for those who've only previously indulged in college kegger beers. Maybe you're 23 or 24, you've gotten your first real job where it's allowing you to put some bread in your pocket and you're looking to enjoy some of the finer things in life. Budweiser's response to Fat Tire, anyone?

It really is a wholly drinkable beer. One of the positive things it has going for it is the name behind it. How often have you been at a bar where your only choices for draft beer are Miller Lite, Bud, or Coors Light and their specialty beer is Killians? This is where American Ale can be valuable. It's tough to readily find a beer with any sort of hop presence at your typical neighborhood bar.

This picture would have come off better if I hadn't had a few pulls first.
But hey, as the color and head shows, it pours like a REAL beer!

TMS Beer Project: Pabst Blue Ribbon

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Brewery: Pabst Brewing Co., USA

Type: American Macro Lager

Receptacle: 12 oz. bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 8.  I'm sorry, but if you can't handle a basic American macrobrew, then you should probably go back to your Smirnoff Ice and cower in the corner with the rest of the pansies.  The same goes for you light beer wimps as well.  Man up and drink a heavy.  Act like you got a pair!  That being said, PBR is the shit.  It packs a nice well-rounded flavor for a lager which may be deemed too bold by the Bud Light crowd who nurse their watered down swill.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 4. It's a basic heavy beer, but you can still pound plenty of them without feeling like you just ate two loaves of bread.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 5. Like most American heavy beers, PBR hovers just below the 5.0% mark at 4.74% ABV.  While one or two may not do shit, the immense drinkability and formidable heartiness has led to many booze-soaked incidents, sometimes but not always leading to me dumping beer on Chaim's head.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Dennis Hopper, Johnny Knoxville, Evel Kneivel, Chip Wesley, any Single-A ballclub, Sam Elliott.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $. The price is part of what makes PBR great.  More often than not it's one of the cheapest 12 packs in the store.  It is not uncommon in these parts to find a 12 pack for anywhere between $5.99 - $7.99.  If it costs more than that the store is jacking the price up on you.  Also PBR on draft is the beer of choice for TMS whenever we hit the Gingerman Tavern.  One of the best bargains in Wrigleyville.

Overall: 7.  What the hell is not to like?*  What other beer can bring together so many walks of life?  From grizzled blue collar workers to Bohemian hipster trash to douchebag frat boys who are being "ironic", PBR is the beer of the people.

And if you're still bitching that it's shit beer, you're either A) one of those light beer/Smirnoff Ice pussies I referred to earlier, or B) one of those pretentious assholes that only drink microbrews and imports.  Look, it's not like I'm talking about Keystone here folks.  PBR does get some love in the beer community.  It won gold at the 2006 World Beer Cup for American-style Premium Lager, beating out 23 other entries.  That same year it also won gold in the same category at the Great American Beer Festival.

And when in doubt, see what BeerAdvocate.com founders, the Alström Brothers have to say.

*OK, PBR will give you horrendous beer shits, I will concede that.  Still, it's a small price to pay.  Stock up on Charmin and enjoy.

TMS Beer Project: Red Tail Ale

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Red Tail Ale

Brewery: Mendocino Brewing Company (If you follow this link, don't skip the intro. And make sure your speakers are on.)

Type: Amber Ale

Receptacle: 12 oz. bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7.5 (Split decision between E-Claire's 7 and my 8). While I'm not usually keen on heavy beers, I didn't mind the slight aftertaste and the flavor. We're normally pale ale drinkers, but found this one pretty smooth going down (insert your own joke here...we sophisticated beer drinkers are above such tomfoolery).

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 7. This wasn't a "beer to eat with a fork" along the lines of a Guinness, but we aren't talking about a Bud Light here. It had a nice amber color, but a bit more manliness (or woman-lyness) than your average college beer.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 7. The 6.1% alcohol content won't get you wrecked as fast as some other beers, but it'll do a pretty decent job of getting you through that extra-innings nail-biter without you getting too mad at Derrek Lee for grounding into another double play. Or watching the average Oakland A's day at the plate. 1-2-3 inning? How about another beer?

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: You have to strike the right balance of sophisticated and enough of the "normal guy" factor that they wouldn't demand a prissy, rich-guy beer. If they were inclined to have a beer, you would see Sean Penn, John Cusack or Nic Cage (short hair version).

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$. A six-pack will set you back $7, which ain't too bad. If you can't afford that, get off the damn internets and get a job.

Overall: Not only is this a beer that will let you feel more important than you may actually be, we love to support the California breweries, especially from Northern California. This isn't the beer you'd buy for a "get drunk in college" night. If you're planning on throwing some burgers on the grill and relaxing outside, you could do a lot worse than Red Tail Ale.

As if you needed any other reason to get up immediately and grab a few (work, schmurk...), the brewery is also the official sponsor of the Mendocino Steam Donkeys Rugby Football Club.

Respect The Hawk. SQWAAA!!!!!