Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts

War Criminal: Commercials

January 19, 2010 | Comments (2) | by Ginger Russ

Not many things annoy me. I can handle the screaming baby on the plane, the flat tire in the rain (in AZ, nonetheless), and even shopping on the day before Christmas. But commercials annoy the living b'Jesus out of me. Fortunately, thanks to modern technology like Tivo and DV-R most the shows I watch are recorded so I can triple-f (fast-fucking-forward) right over them. But once in a while I have to watch something live. Like sporting events. And Jersey Shore. Here are a couple that piss me off the most.

Subway, Michael Phelps and the Winter Olympics
So Michael Phelps just smoked the biggest bag of weed ever. So much that he is SO hungry that he just keeps swimming and swimming, all the way to Subway, which unlike where I live is not right around the corner. No, Mr. Bongwater wants Subway from Canada. Why? Because it's the Olympics, dumbass. The ad whiz's at Subway figured that America is so stupid that we can only equate the Olympics with Michael Phelps, even though his Olympics won't be around for another 2 and half years.

The Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet

Taking directly from our previous brand, Taco Bell has launched it's all new diet menu. Yep, cause when I think healthy, I think Taco Bell. So they took off the cheese, big fucking deal. I still yo no quero Taco Bell. Unless it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm wasted, which is exactly the time that I am thinking about my girlish figure. How can the same restaurant offer a healthy menu and a fourth meal? Apparently eating only 3 times wasn't good enough for you fatty. Honestly though, four meals isn't enough for me. Brunch isn't only for Sundays anymore. But don't worry, one of those meals is off the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet Menu, so I'm eating healthy.

Ford F-150 and Reading
You know, I like Denis Leary (in spite of the fact that he spells his name like a douche). I like his stand-up. I like Rescue Me. But I can't stand his fucking commercial for the Ford F-150. A recent trend in commercials is to have a top named celebrity do the overdubbing. The theory is simple-you recognize the voice, but can't quite place it, so you think about more and more, thus making you so insane that you remember the product. Except you don't. I know J.D. from Scrubs is water, but I can't remember what fucking water to drink. DAMN IT! But I digress. The thing I hate most about the Ford F-150 commercials is that every time Denis Leary says something, the words he has just spoken fly onto the screen in some "hip and edgy" manner in a "grungy" and "manly" font. It's almost as cliche as a Michael Cerra movie title being in some hand drawn font. On the upside, if I was deaf I would still understand the commercial. If only there was some type of way they could get the words to what everyone was saying on the screen for all the other shows and commercials. Fuck, until then I guess I will just have to read the lips of everyone on TV. Was that, "I love you" or "elephant juice"?

Cialis
Even though I am on the fast track to needing this stuff, what with the heavy drinking, poor diet, chronic masturbation and all, I still hate thinking about old people boning down. It's gross. Unless you're talking about Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. HOT! But that's not what annoys me the most. How the fuck do these old people get those tubs everywhere? Oh, it's just a metaphor. I get it. Because when I think of sitting in a tepid pool of my own filth, I immediately get horny.

Southwest Airlines
Southwest loves my bags. You know how I know? Because they tell they do right in their commercials. Apparently the guys at my airport didn't get the memo though, as whenever I see my bags boarding the plane, they are being thrown about without a care in the world. And when I say my bags, I really mean your bags, because I'm a guy and even a 2 week vacation will not stop me from using only carry on luggage.

Well, I don't think I can take it anymore. Got any commercials you hate?

TMS Roundtable: Ghostbusters.

August 20, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter

Despite what Chaim says, bustin' makes ME feel good.Or, THIS Is What We Do When We’re Not Writing Blog Posts

I'm actually so furious with the last couple of weeks of Cubdom that I can't think straight about the Cubs. When I learned that AAron Miles' OPS+ is like 20, I had to lay down for a minute. When I learned that even Neifi Perez in 2006 had an OPS+ of 53 I almost punched a hole in the Space-Time continuum to kill Jim Hendry before he was born.

So, I'm having trouble writing about baseball.

Instead, I thought I’d give another, much more lucid account of what goes on when TMS bartenders hang out in the break room (Per TMS Head Bartender Chip Wesley: “Well it's not Cubs-related so I don't see why it wouldn't be suitable for TMS”)

You may or may not know this, but the TMS staff is in constant communication via the miracle of email. That’s how we decide whether or not to endorse players like Randy Wells, or excoriate players like Miles. What follows is a transcript of that conversation, cleaned up ever so slightly (I apologize for the length, but you can always skip the boring comments, just like I do in a real email thread).

To set the scene: a couple of weeks ago, Chaim Witz came out with a shocking statement…

Chaim Witz:
I'll probably catch hell for this, but after watching it last night for the first time in years....while it was by no means terrible, and would certainly qualify as 'mildly amusing', I gotta say:

Overrated: Ghostbusters

Wolter:
Chaim, you couldn't be more wrong on the wrongingest day of your life with an electrified wronging machine.

Lingering Bursitis:
"Pompous PR flack slanders Ghostbusters unprompted; loses cushy job and all credibility regarding movies"

Arcturus:
Chaim: Gotta disagree with you on that one, although to be fair, Wolter and I probably got to experience the movie at a much younger age. Ghostbusters is one of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater.

Chaim Witz:
Defend it for me then. Sure, it's a nice piece of nostalgia, but unlike a movie like Back to the Future, it doesn't hold up to me. The plot is threadbare, even for what it is, it's only intermittently funny (courtesy mostly of Bill Murray) and the special effects are atrocious unless you view them in an 'awww, isn't that cute' way.

*****

Have you guys seen it recently though? Just because it was good when you were a kid doesn't mean it's still good today. There are a lot of 80's movies that are that way.

The only time I LOL'ed was the 'dickless' joke.

*****

Note, I didn't say it was "bad", just overrated. No way is that one of the best movies of the 80's. Dan Akroyd? Just not funny, sorry. Neither is Harold Ramis. If not for Murray (and sadly, Rick Moranis), that movie would be as forgettable as most of my posts.

Brant Brown:
"PR lackey shocked by firing; maintains that 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' is better than 'Ghostbusters'"

The Hundley:
Chaim is guilty of "Pulling a [INSIDE JOKE WITH THE POTENTIAL FOR A LIBEL CHARGE EXCISED]" here. I disregard it all.

Brant Brown:
I have a strong feeling that I would agree with Chaim on Ghostbusters, so I intend to keep it locked away in my memories. I do always remember thinking that the marshmallow man was out of place, even when I was young.

Wolter:
I watch Ghostbusters on a surprisingly regular basis, Chaim. I love it oh-so-very-much.

Arcturus:
I've seen it many times, Chaim, most recently about a month ago, and I still enjoy it immensely. I'm not going to say it's the greatest movie of all time, but I think it’s held up pretty well, special effects aside. Those were good for their time and are now outdated, although I find they have a kind of charm.

I think many of us have gotten spoiled by CGI, but GB has action sequences I can follow without giving myself a headache. I watched the first Transformers movie and everything moves so fucking fast I have problems telling who's fighting who and who's doing what. In GB, when they're shooting the streams at the ghosts, I can actually tell what the hell is going on. I kinda like that.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but I love the movie. Bill Murray is the best part of it, but the way the rest of the cast interacts is pretty solid.

Wolter:
I love Aykroyd's pseudoscience. Also, the Moranis Lewis Tuttle party sequence was largely ad-libbed, which is massively impressive.

Arcturus:
Ernie Hudson has probably the most under-appreciated role in that movie. I fucking love Winston.

Wolter:
I think Ghostbusters is probably the movie (outside of maybe the original Star Wars trilogy) that I have quoted the most in my life. It's my Casablanca.

*****

Or, I should say "my Caddyshack?"

Former Bartender Jordi Scrubbings:
I'll admit Ghostbusters is a different movie from a kid to an adult, especially after you experience college. As a kid you are amazed at the idea of catching ghosts and the photon pack, etc. As an adult you get more into the relationships - the Ghostbusters with the college (awkward and forced at best), Peter with Dana (completely unprofessional), and the Ghostbusters with the city. Keep in mind, too, that it followed Caddyshack and was a reunion of some of Second City's greatest alumni. Why it is based in NY and not Chicago is beyond me - maybe as a response to Blues Brothers?

Although random, what I am trying to say is that I still like Ghostbusters. It’s just for different reasons.

The Hundley:
Yeah, after I got to college I said, "That's it; I'm done trying to catch ghosts".

Wolter:
The Hundley just made me laugh out loud. Hard. A coworker just peeked in.

One thing I never noticed as a kid that I do as an adult: everyone smokes like a fucking chimney in that movie.

*****

The reason it's probably not a huge ode to Chicago is that Aykroyd (the main force behind its original creation) was from the Toronto Second City, where Ramis had also done a lot of work. The Firehouse base is based on the Toronto Second City's location, and that scene was very much homage to the early days there.

White Chili:
I still can't wrap my head around Belushi playing the part of Peter.

Wolter:
What about John Candy in the Moranis role? If it weren't for Splash conflicting, it would have happened.

Chaim, you have inadvertently strengthened my resolve to watch Ghostbusters again, post-haste.

Hey, Arcturus. Here's some Ernie Hudson love: a remixed trailer with him as the star of a much darker supernatural thriller:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Olfn5LvcnnY&feature=player_embedded

Jordi Scrubbings:
Interesting for gb1, but I could not see Annie Potts being turned on by a geeky John Candy in gb2. No way.

Actually Candy and Sigourney Weaver is kinda unbelievable as well.

Arcturus:
Murray was perfect for Venkman. I have a hard time seeing Belushi in the part. He's sleazy enough, sure, but Murray makes the part. Dana says he's like a game show host. Murray really makes that aspect of the character shine through.

Loved the Ernie Hudson vid, Wolter. He's one of the best parts of that movie for me, despite the fact that he really has very little to do.

Ghostbusters II is utterly horrible, though. I did just recently watch that on TV the other day and it's godawful.

Wolter:
Ghostbusters II is terrible.

[We talk about other Bill Murray vehicles for a while. But SOMEONE can't let this go.]

Chaim Witz:
Back to Ghostbusters for a sec: Ernie Hudson is under -appreciated? That's because he doesn't come until halfway through the movie, has nothing to do and has maybe 10 lines the whole movie. They might has well have just called him, 'black guy that smokes'.

Wolter, you're right about the smoking. Just chain smoking throughout.

Wolter:
No small roles, Chaim.

Chaim Witz:
Another thing you don't notice as a kid is how basically everything is superficial and they don't even make an attempt to explain anything, save for a few lines of mumbo jumbo spouted off by Aykroyd.

Not that I wanted the movie bogged down with a lot of unnecessary exposition that sucks the fun out of it, but you do notice how they go from Point A to B to C rather quickly, while skipping over how they got to each point.

Trivial qualms I suppose. It was still fun, just not nearly as good as I had hoped it to be.

Wolter:
Man, if they actually tried to explain the Ghost Science, I suspect I would love that movie significantly less.

White Chili:
It's easier to explain using Twinkie logic.

Arcturus:
There is a ton of smoking in the movie.

And who needs scientific explanations for all the crazy shit they do? I don't want it to be like Star Trek, where you've got every nerd under the sun debating on whether or not warp drive is possible.

Egon says, "Hey, there's a good chance we could capture and hold a ghost indefinitely." They have a big red box they put the ghosts in, which works until the EPA shuts off the power. That works pretty good for me because it's basically a comedy and it doesn't really matter how any of it works.

And the Twinkie explanation is fucking brilliant.

Chaim Witz:
Ok, scientific explanations wasn't what I meant. I guess I'm just a sucker for a "plot". We'll just have to agree to disagree. There are a lot of movies I like that I can't really explain why as well.

White Chili:
You're claiming that Ghostbusters suffers because it's not realistic? Really?

Next you're going to say that Chain Reaction was bad.

Arcturus:
It's all right, Chaim. My wife isn't real big on Ghostbusters either. It's one of those movies that I can't seem to help watching if it happens to be on TV. She'll roll her eyes in disgust and just shake her head. I get that a lot.

Chaim Witz:
That's ok. The Burbs is one of my Top 5 movies ever, and I can in no way defend it or even explain why I like it so much. I just do, dammit.

[With that, the talk gradually subsides to other, even less interesting topics, interspersed with randomly inserted barbs about Ghostbusters from Chaim…who is still horribly, horribly wrong.]

Imagine if we harnessed all that time wasting ability for good, instead of evil.

P.S. - Only 30 pages further into Mason & Dixon. Damn you Pynchon.

Friday Morning Spew

April 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter

AAAAAH!I figure if ladies man and inhuman freak of nature Larry King could spend 20 years working for USA Today as a syndicated columnist by vomiting stream of consciousness statements and the occasional plug for a celebrity project,1 then this can't be too hard. Let's see how I do.

After Kevin James and Seth Rogen both took the plunge, who's the next Hollywood Heavyweight to star in a Wacky Mall Security Guard vehicle? The smart money is on Chris Farley's Painfully Unfunny Right Wing Lunatic Brother......Some people may prefer A.J. for his plus fastball and dazzling curve, but MSNBC's Erin Burnett's dazzling curves can be on my fantasy team any day.......Sure it was loaded with clever wordplay and knowing references, but I think Edward Everett Horton's voice work is what made the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show special......Jimmy John's may claim to be "America's #1 Sandwich Delivery," but faced with a choice, I would have Potbelly Sandwich Works......Rashida Jones seems to be a very pretty lady. I had no idea her father was famed producer Quincy Jones. Her mother must have been hot as hell......When one is an atheist raised by Advise me, baby...Southern Baptists participating in a passover seder with your fiancee's family, try not to switch Israel and Egypt. It doesn't go over well......For my money, a sciatica outbreak is the best way to remind yourself you aren't a teenager anymore. I'm glad I still have some leftover vicodin, but I hope it hasn't expired......Anyone else remember the song "A Deeper Shade of Soul" by Urban Dance Squad? Man that sucked.......The vicodin is kicking in. I can't feel my fingers......I am shocked and saddened by the death of Angels starter Nick Adenhart. But not a deep enough man to then speculate about how the Angels will fare in the Unless you wrestle alligators by day and work as a ninja in space at night, this man is more badass than you. Accept it.first month of the season missing 3/5 of the planned rotation. If I believed in a hell, I would be going there......Hank Williams III is my favorite member of that celebrated country family, if only for his slam on Kid Rock for pretending to to be the heir to the legacy......I may be a godless heathen who hates the troops, but Captain America riding a motorcycle over Nazi lines while his sidekick shoots them with a tommy gun gives me what I can only call a "'F*&K YEAH' hard-on for the USA."......Why are ants with human faces crawling all over my monitor?......I think every Friday is Good, so why is the Roman Catholic Church so big on today? Must be sweeps week......The ants are shrieking accusations at Haiku is an underrated art form.me......Who ever expected Iowa to legalize gay marriage before California, or as I call it "America's Gomorrah?"......Do they still sell Teddy Grahams? I mean, I know Tato Skins are still around......Dixie Carter is a registered Republican that leans Libertarian. Think on that the next time you sit around in your underwear watching a "Designing Women" marathon on We and Julia Sugarbaker gets all Liberal and shit......I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!......I can see why Hugh Laurie's American brother loves this stuff. I feel like I could make rude observations and diagnose the critically ill with aplomb......I'm sleepy. Wolter go bed now.


1. I know that link is technically to the Onion parody of King, but it's almost identical in style to what he wrote.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Iron Maiden

April 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter

I prefer the powder blue road jerseys.2008 Season: Did not play the game of baseball

SO LONG: Paul Day (V), Dennis Wilcock (V), Dave Sullivan (G), Terry Rance (G), Bob Sawyer (G), Tony Moore (K), Terry Wapram (G), Barry Purkis (D), Doug Samson (D), Paul Di'Anno (V), Paul Cairns (G), Dennis Stratton (G), Clive Burr (D), Blaze Bayley (V)

WELCOME: Nicko McBrain (D, P), Janick Gers (G, BV), Michael Kenney (K-live only)

WELCOME BACK: Bruce Dickinson (V), Adrian Smith (G, BV)

NEVER LEFT: Steve Harris (B, BV, K-In studio), Dave Murray (G)

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Eddie the Head (M)
2. Dave Murray (G)
3. Bruce Dickinson (V)
4. Nicko McBrain (D, P)
5. Steve Harris (B, BV, K-In studio)
6. Adrian Smith (G)
7. Janick Gers (G, BV)
8. "You, the Maiden fans! SCREAM FOR ME, LONG BEACH!" (A)
9. Michael Kenney (K-Live)

If they ever traded him, the fans would be devastated.Starting: Probably some lesser act on the revival circuit, like Helloween, or some upstarts like DragonForce
Setup: About 6-7 hours, give or take local load-in times
Closer: Giant robotic Eddie breathes fire during "Running Free"

Well, Maiden has always done what it could to shock and impress fans, and their insistance that they can conquer Major League Baseball as easily as they conquered the New Wave of British Heavy Metal is nothing if not consistent with their storied career.

However, can this aging team of veterans (average age: 53) really take the world of baseball by storm? Sure, Eddie and Dave Murray provide both speed and evil at the top of the lineup, and the 3-4-5 punch of Dickinson, McBain, and Harris provides finesse, power, and sound fundamentals respectively. But one wonders if they will be able to translate their dominance of metal and hard rock into the dominance of a division, or even parlay that into a Wild Card berth.

As usual, the back of the order is a question mark. Adrian Smith is dependable when he's healthy, but will Janick Gers and Michael Kenney be around at the All-Star break? And will the #8 hitting Maiden Fans be able to "Up the Irons," or will their boss at the Body Shop refuse to let them take off work because he's "Understaffed."

Sure, these doubts plague all teams, but I think it's a safe bet that, given that no member of Iron Maiden has ever even picked up a baseball, that this is not to be their year. Like all expansion teams, they are doomed to mediocrity. However, I am confident in saying that they will finish ahead of the Washington Nationals.

PREASEASON AWARDS Ugh. Just...Ugh.
Mr. Sexy Time: Well, there's nothing much sexy about these yobs. But Eddie the Head is still badassed after all these years. So, there you go.

"Keyboards? Really?" Award: Michael Kenney. In a band with THREE guitarists, it's no doubt he doubles as a band technician. I'd be surprised to learn he isn't their "Beer Bitch."

Ugliest Guy in an Ugly, Ugly Band Award: Nicko McBain. Ugh.

For More Reading
Official Website

American Idol Update: Week 1

February 18, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Its been a month since American Idol returned, but even with three shows a week they haven't really done anything yet. That changed Tuesday as the auditions and gimmicky Hollywood Week drama are finally over and the karaoke started for real. All is right with the world: Paula is clearly doped up on booze and painkillers and the sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is as intense as ever. I'm also happy to announce the envelopes full of white powder from Fantasia's fan (she only has the one) have stopped coming.

Tonight's theme is songs of the Billboard Hot 100...of all time. Way to narrow it down. Why even have a theme? On to the contestants. If I understand the new rules correctly, nine of these slack jawed assholes are going home:

Jackie Tohn - ...and they're off. Off to a horrific start too! Jackie sings a terrible Elvis song so poorly I thought a giraffe was dying. To top it off, she looks like she should be buying Skoal at an Albuquerque 7-11 at 3am after pleasuring truckers at the Super 8.

Ricky Braddy - The man with the fauxhawk busts out some fauxsoul. Simon correctly points out he has the personality of a jar of peanut butter.

Alexis Grace - This girl is kind of cute, but three contestants in and I've already had it with white people singing soul music. Who has Paula in the death league? She's babbling incoherently again. Something about big sound in a small body. Her overdose may come before next season.

Brent Keith - First his video won't load and then he sings something called "Hicktown". White trash opera. Live's Shit Town would have been better. FAIL.

Stevie Wright - She was 9 when the show started. God damn I feel old. She could also be Bristol Palin's stunt double. I have no clue what she's singing, but its not bad. Of course the judges hate it. Apparently they're looking for crap. Oh yeah, Fantasia won this contest. They are looking for crap.

Anoop Desai - I'm not sure, but I think this guy played Kumar. The first real dose of AM radio schlock of the night. What 22 year old picks Angel of Mine? One who wants granny panties thrown at him in Laughlin, that's who.

Casey Carlson - Oh joy, a Police song. The Elaine Benes dancing isn't going to help her chances either. When Paula says its bad, you know its bad. She's toast.

Michael Sarver - Big dumb Okie singing a big dumb country song. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich - Malkovich? She's pretty agreeable looking - unfortunately her song Natural Woman reminds me of a tampon commercial. Ted Danson is in the audience. He'll be this season's crying girl.

Stephen Fowler - How the hell does a guy who forgets the words to the song make it to the contest? Lame. Not as lame as his version of Rock With You though.

Tatiana Del Toro - She's an attention whore, so I'm going to talk about something else. Ryan Seacrest is creepy. His "natural" interaction with the contestants and judges is so freakishly rehearsed its possible he is a robot. A gay robot.

Danny Gokey - Hero by Mariah Carey. Are you fucking kidding me dude? Paula busts out the quote of the night: "I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas." Okay then.

Wow. That was a terrible opening night. If you're voting for the worst, then there are plenty of choices for you. For my money it doesn't get any worse than Jackie's tornado bait white trash Elvis homage. If you want to vote for someone good, I don't know what to tell you. Stevie was the least awful singer of the night I guess. Hopefully next week is better.

I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas.

Childhood Favorites: Weird Science

February 09, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.

A couple weeks ago it was revealed that my spouse had never seen the Anthony Michael Hall vehicle, 'Weird Science'. Having not seen it myself in over 15 years, I thought it would be a great opportunity to revisit one of my favorite movies as a kid. Unfortunately, some things are better left dead.

There's a reason you don't see 'Weird Science' in the TNT rotation along with 'Road House' and 'Teen Wolf'. I'm not sure that I can confidently explain what that reason is, but suffice it to say that this is not the masterpiece you might remember. I'm not even talking about the far-fetched premise of creating a smoking-hot woman out of a 1985 computer. That may have been the most believable aspect of the film. The missile that randomly spouts from the foundation of the house during the climactic party scene? Bill Paxton being turned into a poor man's Jabba the Hut? The fact that this movie starred a one Ilan Mitchell-Smith? You'll remember him as the nerd that wasn't Anthony Michael Hall. He gave up acting in 1991 and is now an assistant professor of English at Angelo State University. That was probably a wise move.

Despite the presence of Robert Downey Jr. in the early throes of substance abuse, and one scene at a blues bar where the boys reminisce about "great big titties" with their elder African American statesmen, this movie offered nothing. Bras on their heads? The random motorcycle gang that crashes the party? Again, the missile? State of the art mid-'80s computer graphics? Ilian Mitchell-Smith walking around in women's underwear?

All in all, 'Weird Science' gave us very few laughs. The wife pretty much sat through it stone-faced as I tried in vain to make excuses. It did not prove to be the quintessential '80s film that I remembered, and was probably one of the worst John Hughes flicks. The lesson? Don't blindly pledge allegiance to movies from your childhood. Well, except maybe 'Flight of the Navigator'.

Clive Davis, Exit Stage Left of My Life

February 08, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Can we please have one music awards show, particularly the Grammys, without having this pompous old man take up valuable screen time? Seriously, why is everybody always sucking this guy's dick? I don't care if he discovered a pre-crack whore Whitney Houston or Earth Wind and Motherfucking Fire. He is old and he should be put down.

Enough is enough. Did he discover music? I should think not. This fawning and dick-sucking must cease immediately. Pomp Culture is calling for an immediate ban on any further Clive Davis tributes, lifetime achievement awards or even simple 'thank yous'. This will not stand.

*The views expressed in the piece above are both irrational and hateful, but represent the views of all of America (outside of the recording industry).



L-R: Clive Davis, Bono, Hannah Montanta

Iron Maiden vs. Barack Obama

January 26, 2009 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

The world is an immense place, so immense that it requires a speed of 11.2 km/s just to escape its gravity. But Iron Maiden is an immense band, so immense that the earth itself cannot escape the pull of the Irons. Is there a force on earth powerful enough to contain these Monsters of Metal?

Only science can tell.

The Pomp Culture Foundation for the Study of Speaker-Melting Rock presents its current findings in today’s installment of Iron Maiden vs. The World.


Well, this has been a pretty good week for my former Senator. Apparently he handily won a popularity contest against the Emperor of the Skeksis last November, and is now The Illuminati Shadow Government’s First African-American Figurehead. That means two things:
  • 1) Woodrow Wilson is rolling in his racist grave.
  • 2) Obama is probably thinking he’s pretty damn awesome right now.
While I approve of item one (and if Maiden annihilated the UN last week, imagine how they would have torn through Wilson’s paltry League of Nations), item two is unsetting. I’m not too fond of hubris from my leaders. And while Obama is refreshingly humble compared to His Arrogance, George II, I’m think there’s at least a peg or two he could be taken down. And I know just the quintet to do so.

The Methodology:

A full summary of the methodology (including descriptions of the Five Permanent Categories can be found here. If you need to go there, I’ll wait.

So…for the rest of you…how do you like this feature so far? Do you think I’ll really be able to keep this conceit alive for more than 2-3 weeks? Do you…oh wait, they’re back…

Caught up? Good.

This week’s additional categories will be covered in the actual battle, because you know you’re already sick of me for stalling this long.

The Battle:

Intellectual and/or Literary Merit
Well, the Irons might actually start this at a disadvantage, as the Harvard-educated Obama has actually written a pretty well-respected book. And he wrote it long before his emergence on the national scene. The following obvious communists have some pretty nice things to say about it, as well (like all sophisticated reviewers, I gleaned the following quotes from Amazon.com, a bastion of scholarship in these dark times:

  • “Provocative . . . Persuasively describes the phenomenon of belonging to two different worlds, and thus belonging to neither.” —New York Times Book Review

  • “Fluidly, calmly, insightfully, Obama guides us straight to the intersection of the most serious questions of identity, class, and race.” —Washington Post Book World

  • “Beautifully crafted . . . moving and candid . . . this book belongs on the shelf beside works like James McBride’s The Color of Water and Gregory Howard Williams’s Life on the Color Line as a tale of living astride America’s racial categories.” —Scott Turow

  • “Obama’s writing is incisive yet forgiving. This is a book worth savoring.” —Alex Kotlowitz, author of There Are No Children Here
And while the Irons are no slouches in the book learning department, Amazon has this to say about their classic third album, Number of the Beast:
Throughout the 1980s, a damning generalization held true: British metal was
essentially working man's food, loosely descended from biker-meets and Northern
pubs; whereas, in the States, it was an outgrowth of stadium rock, which
traditionally subordinated substance to spectacle. Plug-ugly and cartoonishly
morbid, Iron Maiden were typical of the Brit effort, since they effectively
emphasized a driving, no-nonsense approach to the music.
Uh oh. “Plug-ugly and cartoonishly morbid” was the exact term Dorothy Parker used to savage the waitstaff at the Algonquin. Not looking good.

But wait…Bruce Dickinson has penned a screenplay (Chemical Wedding, later renamed Crowley)! Hmm…can’t find any reviews. While it’s probably safe to assume it’s hella awesome, it would be unfair to automatically credit Maiden for this achievement. I guess the challenger gets a point.

Advantage: Obama





Influence:

Obama should have this as a lock right? Wrong.

Sure, Obama is the ostensible Leader of the Free World, but what has he really done so far other than succeed in the (admittedly important) category of Not Being George Bush? Sure, he’s made a National Call for Service, but so far that hasn’t help yours truly much at all. I still have the same job, the same bills, the same health insurance, and the same haircut as I did under Bush. Okay, I just read he’s closing Gitmo, but I’ll believe that one when my Uncle Mahmoud comes home.

What has Maiden done? Well, I don’t know…they only redefined Metal as we know it. They only maintained an unheard of level of self-imposed quality control in their first decade - a decade where even Whitesnake could rule the airwaves. They only somehow managed to incorporate synths into Somewhere in Time and still ROCK BALLS. They only influenced about a thousand awful bands that no one wants to hear. They may or may not be responsible for the single greatest screenplay about Aleister Crowley in history. Oh, and while that one speech on race is pretty damn amazing, it’s never going to top the bone-chilling radness of Live After Death.

Sorry, Barry O. Call me when you’ve fixed America or something.

Advantage: Maiden




Image/Aesthetic:

The ubiquitous Eddie is one of the most popular images in the annals of 1980s metal. His grimly comic visage, created mainly in ballpoint pen, has graced thousands of Trapper Keepers, Social Sudies textbooks, and the occasional acid-washed denim pant-leg over the past 30 years (although there has been an admitted decline since roughly 1991). That’s a heck of a lot of blue ink.

However, Obama’s Shepard Fairy-designed campaign poster (and assorted parodies thereof) currently graces more Facebook profile pictures than there are actual people on earth. Even subtracting points for the exceptional lameness of the “O with a cornfield inside it” bumper stickers, Obama’s current influence on national aesthetics is indisputable.

Advantage: Obama




Pomposity:

Despite what the average Right Wing Rank’n’Filer might tell you, Obama does not actually seem to be too self important, much less have a Messiah complex. Most of his speeches are a heck of a lot more of the “we’ve got to make sacrifices and pull ourselves up” variety that Conservatives pretend they love to hear. And though he went to an Ivy League school so pompous that its graduates often hire servants for their servants to avoid accidentally rubbing elbows with the help’s help, it is only his ability to speak in complete sentences that separates him from most Americans.

Maiden, too, have their moments of humility, such as the following gracious statement from their official website:
"Iron Maiden's secret weapon is our fans. Anyone who's been to one of our shows
knows that they're the most passionate and devoted fans on the planet, making
the incredible atmosphere at our shows. To be nominated for Best Live Act at the
Brits is as much a recognition of them as it is of us. So for all of them, Up
The Irons!"
So very humble. And yet…maybe they still have a pretty high opinion of their powers:
“We have no doubt whatsoever that IRON MAIDEN is special to Latin America and
Latin America is special to IRON MAIDEN. Allow us to explain...

What was
achieved by both the band and their fans earlier this year in Latin America was
unheard of ... over 250,000 tickets were sold in less than a week, thus setting
box office records across the region. Within an 18 day time period the band
covered 7 countries, played 9 concerts and flew over 15,000 miles (25,500
kilometers). No artist, no band had ever done this before. Period. With their
incredible, high energy shows selling out well in advance and the insane
reaction from their fans to this very classic and timeless show...Somewhere Back
in Time, the question at the end of the tour was, "Should we do it again?".

And the answer from all sides was... DAMN RIGHT WE DO IT AGAIN! ... and
along with returning to some of our favourite places let's play some other
cities and countries too.

So in 2009 IRON MAIDEN and their fans will
once again make rock and roll history in Latin America by breaking some rules,
setting new records, and going to places that are normally off the usual touring
route. MAIDEN will embrace Latin America like none have before. This tour will
cross ancient ruins, the Amazon Jungle, The Andes and the Middle of the World!
MAIDEN will revisit cities played in 2008 in even bigger venues and a rev-ed up
show full of surprises. And together with their fans they will celebrate the end
of their incredible SOMEWHERE BACK IN TIME TOUR.”
That’s pretty darn pompous if I do say so myself. And that’s not including any concept albums, Coleridge poems, or mentions of Bruce Dickinson’s Operatic Training.

Advantage: Maiden




Rocking Your Face Off:

Perhaps you remember this list of Obama’s favorite songs that was circulating during the campaign:
  1. ‘Ready or Not’ - Fugees
  2. ‘What’s Going On’ - Marvin Gaye
  3. ‘I’m On Fire’ - Bruce Springsteen
  4. ‘Gimme Shelter’ - Rolling Stones
  5. ‘Sinnerman’ - Nina Simone
  6. ‘Touch the Sky’ - Kanye West
  7. 'You’d Be So Easy to Love’ - Frank Sinatra
  8. ‘Think’ - Aretha Franklin
  9. ‘City of Blinding Lights’ - U2
  10. ‘Yes We Can’ - Will.i.am
While there are a few gems on there (“What’s Going On” is an immense song, and “Gimme Shelter” rocks with sufficient fury), I believe Iron Maiden can rebut this with one word:

"Wrathchild."

Advantage: Maiden




Well, B. Hussein is finding himself in a bit of a pickle, as Maiden currently leads 3 to 2. Hopefully the following two special categories will come up in his favor or the Political Honeymoon is over…
Leadership:

Ok, this is a tough one to call. I mean, yes, Maiden has the advantage of not one, but TWO legendary frontmen. But Maiden has long led by example. Sure, they are the band of choice for the cognoscenti of Headbanging, but they aren’t out there offering solutions to the current Metal Crisis (I refer, of course, to the severe lack of headbangers in elected office).

Meanwhile, Obama has taken the reins of the Washington Generals of Politics, the Democratic Party, and somehow managed to beat the showboating Orange County Globetrotters of the Republican Party. That is, in and of itself, an achievement. This round goes to Dirty Chicago Politics.

Advantage: Obama





This brings us to the tiebreaker...

Experience:

Sorry, Barack. Had to pull out the big guns here. Community organizer? Everyone knows helping people is lame. Try spending three decades as the most massive metal band in the world. 30 years of pure integrity, passion, determination, and sweat. Oh yeah. Tons of sweat.Advantage: Maiden

Well, Barack Obama seems to be a pretty competent guy, and I hope he does well by us. But lets face it, the democratic process is flawed because Iron Maiden is President-for-Life of the United States of Rocking Your Lame Ass.

Iron Maiden: 2, World: 0.


Up next: Iron Maiden vs. A Mother’s Selfless love!




Know anyone or anything you think can beat Iron Maiden in a fair fight? Well, let me know, and I’ll write a long, rambling, poorly reasoned post about why you’re wrong, fool.

Pomp Culture Presents: 2008 Film Review

January 23, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

The only thing more pompous than our 2008 Movie Lists is the fact that we are just getting around to posting them three weeks into January of 2009 under the assumption that you've been waiting with bated (garlic) breath. I mean, for the love of God, the Oscar nominations have already been released (The Reader over The Dark Knight?) and the Golden Globes are a thing of the past. These are about as timely as releasing "Milk" two weeks after the Prop 8 vote.

So disregard the films that the Academy would lead you to believe are good and just go see whatever is on The Hundley's list. Here they are, 23 days late, 23 dollars short and just as offensive as the
popcorn trick.

Daft Funk

These movies were all viewed on black market, Hong Kong-imported DVDS whose grainy quality is rivaled only by The Zapruder Footage.

1. Frost/Nixon: This one was much better than I thought. It wastes no time getting into the story, starting out with Nixon's resignation and going from there. Frank Langella's Nixon was pitch perfect and the last 20 minutes of this movie are so tense, you should go buy a chair so you can sit on the edge of it. Not an expensive chair, just something nice.

2. The Wrestler: As a straight male in the 18-30 age group, I don't use the word "heartbreaking" much. The Wrestler is a heartbreaking film, and Mickey Rourke is perfectly cast. This seems like a movie that would get better seeing it a second or even a third time.

3. The Dark Knight/Iron Man: The comic book nerd in me needed a change of pants for these ones. I loved them both equally and both were about as much fun as I've ever had at the movies. I feel a bit bad for Iron man though. Any other year, and it would have been recognized as the best comic book movie ever. But it's never a bad thing coming in second place to a movie that made $530 million.

4. Burn After Reading: A lot of people were down on the Cohen Brothers' follow up to No Country For Old Men. I loved it. It wasn't as laugh-out-loud funny as The Big Lebowski, and not nearly as dark as Fargo, but kind of met both halfway. Brad Pitt's dancing alone makes it a top 10 movie, although George Clooney's performance steals the movie. Just don't go down into his basement.

5. Gran Torino: If you ever thought to yourself, "Man, I wish there was a movie where Clint Eastwood was an old Korean War vet that just goes around being a badass for 2 hours while getting away with being a complete racist, but also really likable at the same time" then I've got the movie for you.

6. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: The special effects in this movie were so good (especially in the first half) that it wasn't until hours after I finished the movie that I realized that I didn't have any emotional investment in any of the characters. I didn't care when people died or had their hearts broken or whatever. All that and I still enjoyed it? That's good direction.

7. The Foot Fist Way: Danny McBride tried his damnedest to cameo in every funny movie this year. He stole Pineapple Express. He was great in Tropic Thunder. But his best performance of the year was his lone starring role as a small town karate instructor trying to deal with an unfaithful wife and meeting his idol. Look, I can't explain it in any way that would convince you to see it, so just watch this clip, laugh your ass off, and rent it.

8. Milk: I never knew Harvey Milk and I was born after he died. But watching Sean Penn in this movie, I can just tell that he got every single nuance of his life just right. It would have been easy to make this movie solely about "the first openly gay man elected to public office" but Gus Van Sant made it more than that. It was about being a human being and giving other human beings the same right to live and be happy regardless of what life they live.

9. In Bruges: I've always thought that Colin Farrell could act, but just had bad decisions in the movies he decided to do. Hell, I thought he was fantastic in Phone Booth. Finally he gives a great performance in a really funny movie. Midgets? Check. Drugs and alcohol? Check. I hope Brandon Gleason and Farrell have another chance to work together int he future, because their chemistry was what made this movie so much fun.

10. Shotgun Stories: When Roger Ebert put out his Top 20 Movies of 2008 list, Shotgun Stories was on it. it sounded pretty cool, so I rented it and it really blew me away. It's the story about three brothers that get tangled up in a feud that erupts with their four half brothers after the death of their mutual father. Set in the cotton fields of Southeast Arkansas, the smaller the town you grew up in, the more you'll love this movie.

Honorable Mention- Revolutionary Road: This one doesn't make the top 10 because it wasn't that great a movie per say. The story was a bit rushed and jumbled, but the performances by Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio (and supporting actor Michael Shannon) will stick with you for days after seeing this movie.

Worst Movie of the Year - Semi-Pro: I didn't laugh once during this movie. Terrible on every level. Also, I don't want to see Woody from Cheers have sex with anyone. Ever. Sick.

One You Might Have Missed - Let The Right One In: It's a Swedish movie about a 12 year old boy who gets bullied on a daily basis. He finds comfort and confidence to fight back in his new friend, the girl next door. Did I mention that she's a vampire? Art-house vampire flick? And it delivers? Sign me up!

Overrated - Man On Wire: Critics fell over themselves trying to prise this movie (It has a 100% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes). People all around the country raved about how suspenseful it was. I stopped watching it halfway through the movie. There was no suspense. Don't tell me about how you were scared of getting caught or falling off the top floor of the Twin Towers. I know you didn't fall to your death. You know how I know that? Because you're being interviewed in the first 5 minutes of this movie! The tightrope walk between the Twin Towers already happened, so why would anything about this movie be suspenseful?


Chaim Witz

This list erroneously thinks its better than you.

1. The Wrestler - A heart wrenching, bittersweet character study of one man's fall from grace. A tour de force by Mickey Rourke and a chance for him to dust off both his career and those sunglasses that he swiped at the 84' People's Choice Awards.

2. The Dark Knight - More than just a comic book movie, this was an epic crime tale where the hero just happens to wear tights. Nearly everything from the musical score to the use of the Chicago backdrop to the haunting performance by Heath Ledger was pitch perfect.

3. Slumdog Millionaire - Director Danny Boyle creates a rich, accessible fairy tale that leaps off the screen and tugs at the heartstrings. Undeserving of it's 'R' rating, this is the rare indie film that should appeal to nearly everyone.

4. Rachel Getting Married - Great performances and plenty of drama, minus the usual wedding movie cheese. Long, extended camera takes help suck you in and make you feel a part of the happening, ethnic and sometimes pretentious wedding reception. Top shelf liquor, top shelf film.

5. Pineapple Express - Hilarious stoner movie with mass appeal for the non-stoner set. Danny McBride is priceless as 'Red', in what is sure to be a career launching role.

6. In Bruges - Darkly comic, sometimes surreal hitman movie hits the mark. Midgets, drinking, bursts of random violence and Colin Farrell cursing. Sounds like most of my dates in college.

7. Role Models - Role Models doesn't reinvent the wheel, but certainly makes the wheel seem much, much funnier. Cursing little kids, Paul Rudd and a KISS-inspired finale all make for one of the funnier comedies of 2008.

8. Che - Certainly not a film for everyone, unless 4.5 hours (divided into two parts) of subtitles and the minuta that goes into jungle guerrilla warfare are your thing. Not knowing anything about Che besides the fact that many hipsters don his t-shirt, I found it pretty fascinating from start to finish, particularly Part I.

9. Wanted - Taken as a serious action film (see: Bourne), Wanted is fairly laughable. Taken as a live-action cartoon, devoid of any intelligence but full of testosterone, I suppose it's still laughable, but damn entertaining.

10. Wall E - Pixar does it again. The first 45 minutes, devoid of any dialogue, are pretty ballsy and pretty great.

Honorable Mention:
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - A 'Say Anything' for the MySpace Generation.
Doubt - Meryl Steep and Phillip Seymour Hoffman in an acting smackdown.
Ironman - RDJ drinks scotch and flies around.
The Incredible Hulk - Better than it should have been.

Worth Seeing: Frost/Nixon (not as dry as you'd think), The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (curiously flawed), The Bank Job, Definitely Maybe, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, American Teen, Burn After Reading (minor Cohens), Young @ Heart, Cloverfield, The Visitor

Worst Of:
1. Sleepwalking
2. 27 Dresses
3. Happy Go Lucky
4. The Secret Life of Bees
5. The Happening

Overrated: Tropic Thunder, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Four Christmases, Hancock: Proof positive that box office success does not always = quality.

Disappointments: Step Brothers, Quantum of Solace: Both of them have their moments for sure, but the bar was set high (Anchorman, Casino Royale) and neither could live up to their older siblings.

Best Performances:
Mickey Rourke: The Wrestler
Heath Ledger: The Dark Knight
Meryl Streep: Doubt
Danny McBride: Pineapple Express
Ann Hathaway: Rachel Getting Married
Russell Brand: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Frank Langella: Frost/Nixon


Governor X

This list escaped from Guantanamo Bay.

1. Slumdog Millionaire – Director Danny Boyle is finally getting the accolades I've always thought he deserved and rightfully so. Slumdog Millionaire is a masterpiece taking two hours to go from one of the most depressing movies you'll ever see to one of the most uplifting. The Bollywood dance number at the end doesn't hurt either.

2. Gran Torino – If Clint Eastwood chooses to retire from acting after Gran Torino, at least he'll be going out on top. His portrayal of the bitter, racist Korean War vet who ultimately takes his young Asian neighbor under his wing is simultaneously infuriating, sad, and hilarious. In other words, he nails it. Easily his best movie since Unforgiven.

3. Religulous – No one shreds religion as well as Bill Maher. Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins make the same case (and so would I if I felt like arguing), but Maher does it in a way that comes off as funny and less abrasive. Quote of the century: Religion must die for man to live.

4. Che – If you didn't think it would be possible to make a movie about Che Guevara that wasn't incredibly slanted one way or another, I submit Steven Soderbergh's Che to you. Leaving the editorializing for historians, Soderbergh simply tells the story of Che during the Cuban Revolution and his ultimate downfall in Bolivia. Benicio Del Torro will almost certainly be getting an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of the Argentine revolutionary.

5. Valkyrie – Tom Cruise ist ein Deutschlander? Ja. Valkyrie is an all around solid historical drama. While it struck me as odd at first, the decisions to have the actors not fake German accents proved to be the correct decision. It left the focus on the story rather than Tom Cruise or Bill Nighy trying to talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

6. Wall-E – Charming children's movie? Check. Scathing critique of sloth and consumerism in modern society? Check.

7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Any Indy fan who didn't like this needs to re-watch the original three. They were just as over the top. Its entertainment people! Speaking of entertainment…

8. Wanted is truly one of the most ridiculous films I've ever seen, but I can't tell you I didn't enjoy every minute of it.

9. In Bruges – Belgium sucks, and someone finally made a movie about it. Bravo. Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson are brilliant as squabbling hitmen.

10. The Dark Knight – I really didn't want to include this because of all the hype, but it was too good to leave off. I don't think it's possible for a movie with Morgan Freeman in it to be bad. Wait. I take that back. Deep Impact sucked.

Honorable mention (in no order): Young @ Heart, Hellboy 2, Quantum of Solace, Hancock, Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express


E-Claire

These movies will pay for your dinner, but expect sex in return.

1. Milk – Being from the Bay Area, I really wanted to see this movie. And I wasn't disappointed. Sean Penn was excellent as Harvey Milk. And James Franco, Josh Brolin, and Emile Hirsch give great supporting performances. I don't want to get too political, but I will say that the same types of issues they were fighting over about 30 years ago are still being fought about today...Which makes this more than just a biopic…The movie is as relevant today as it would've been back then.

2. Gran Torino – The first part of this movie could be called "Clint Eastwood is a racist and hates everyone." The second part could be called "Don't fuck with Clint Eastwood," and the last part, well, you'll have to watch. But I love Clint Eastwood, and I'm bummed that I hear this will supposedly be the last movie he'll act in. But at least he went out as a badass who growls a lot and tells people to get off his lawn.

3. Frost/Nixon – Frank Langella was very good as Nixon. I think he did a good job of humanizing the former president. The guy did a lot of bad things, but you still felt a little something for him in this movie…At least I did.

4. The Wrestler – I can't really comment too much on this movie without giving anything away, so I'm just going to say that Mickey Rourke was fantastic. There were some moments in the movie where he wasn't saying anything, but you could almost feel what he was thinking, and that really impressed me. I also hope Springsteen wins the Oscar for Best Original Song. His song "The Wrestler" really captures the essence of the movie – and not just because it has the same title as the movie.

5. The Dark Knight – I really liked this movie. The story was interesting, the acting was great (Maggie Gyllenhaal was kinda blah, though), and the IMAX shots were rad.

6. In Bruges – Hit men + midgets = comedic gold.

7. Iron Man – Robert Downey Jr. was great as Tony Stark/Ironman. And it's nice to see Gwyneth Paltrow do a movie where she's not moping around for 2 hours.

8. Role Models – I was a little skeptical about this movie because Stiffler from "American Pie" was in it, but it ended up being pretty damn funny. Just make sure you can handle an hour-and-a-half of that McLovin kid…He basically plays McLovin again, but this time he wears a cape.

9. Revolutionary Road – This movie basically seemed like a vehicle for Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio to flex their acting chops, but they both did a good job. I hope Kate Winslet finally wins an Oscar this year. I like her as an actress, and it seems like every year she turns in a great performance, there's someone else who's got the Oscar locked up. Maybe this will be her year.

10. Mamma Mia! – This movie was a lot more entertaining than I thought it would be – mostly because Pierce Brosnan can't carry a tune in a bucket. I also got a kick out of the guy in front of us who cried during one of the sappy scenes. I had to muffle my laughter. I'm such a jackass.

Movies that probably would've made my list if I had seen them: Rachel Getting Married, Slumdog Millionaire

Worst movie of the year: Seven Pounds. I'll agree with the critics who say the plot of this movie was way too pretentious. Will Smith, when you were handed the script to this movie, your response should've been "Awwww HELL Naw!"


Dave Thomas

This list would like to think that it speaks for itself.

1. WallE
2. Iron Man
3. The Dark Knight
4. The Wrestler
5. Milk
6. Slumdog Millionaire
7. Role Models
8. Pineapple Express
9. Appaloosa
10. Burn After Reading


Jordi

This list was diagnosed with full blown AIDS.

1. Wall-E: Explosions, social message, robots, kick-ass animation, and a feel-good story. Real actors are overrated.

2. The Dark Knight:Explosions, anarchy, subtle comment about order in chaos (i.e. Bush against Iraqi anarchists or Einstein vs. quantum physics), kick-ass terrorist techniques; for more, check this out.

3. Tropic Thunder: Explosions, humor, satire on warhawks, reliance on pop culture references hurts timelessness of movie.

4. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Explosions, interesting story based on string/wave theory and alien conspiracies, could have been higher, but the Soviets were the most ridiculous and incompetent enemy Indy has ever faced.

5. The Incredible Hulk: Explosions, stuff, Liv Tyler, big green guy, etc.

6. Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Explosions, Jedis, Natalie Portman (animated), would have been higher if it was more of a Star Wars movie and not a silly 2-hour commercial for the Cartoon Network show. Also, the young girl jedi is the most annoying character in the Star Wars galaxy behind Jar Jar Binks.

7. Four Christmases: No explosions, but it did have Reese Witherspoon.


The Hundley

If movies were orgasms, you'd have to fake it with these.

Haven't seen that many movies this year. I'd rather read a book. That being said, I would have liked to have seen the new Bond, Pineapple Express, Hancock, Ben Button, Zohan, and Valkyrie. Alas, I didn't see any of those, so here is my best of 2008, and what a disappointing year for movies it was

1.Shine a Light - Martin Scorsese's documentary/concert of the Rolling Stones. I am by no means a big Stones guy, but this film was KILLER. The only one on my list that I wanted to (and did) see twice. It really helped that Shine a Light was only released in I-Max Theatres. The picture and especially the sound really made it seem like you were actually sitting front row.

2. The Dark Knight - I waited for more than 8 weeks past the original release date to see this because that's how long my little farm town took to get it at our I-Max. Great experience. I have to imagine it loses a lot of luster outside of a theatre. Visually this movie was cool, but I thought the story was a bit weak. Didn't quite understand the hype. Like I said, weak year for movies.

3. The Express - I'm a sucker for true stories, doubly so if it involves sports. Rob Brown does a solid job portraying Ernie Davis, a black running back for Syracuse in the 60's. That reminds me, send Chaim Witz an email and ask him to explain what "Rob Brown Drunk" is.

4. Hellboy II - A good action flick, cool effects, dry humor. Hellboy is a cool hero. I guess.

5. Tropic Thunder - Apparently it's chic to make fun of this movie, but I enjoyed it for what it's worth. I wasn't expecting to see anyone turn in a Larry Olivier performance, I was expecting to laugh. And I thought it had plenty of those. Bob Downey II was great.

6. Indiana Jones and Castle Grayskull - I flirted with the idea of going to a Halloween costume party as Indiana Jones. Chaim Witz told me I should have someone constantly following me around with a big green screen. And that's really funny...and sad. Sad but true.

7. Iron Man - Kind of a dud. Sometimes RDJ was good, mostly he was annoying. I also hate Gwenyth Paltrow-Coldplay. Sorry, didn't see many movies.

Honorable Mention - U23D. Wicked-cool experience, just wished it could have featured a band that I really dig.

Worst Movie - The Happening: Seriously, the storyline, acting, and dialog were akin to something you'd see on an After School Special. Just a horrible, horrible movie. And I'm normally a fan of M. Noche Shyamalan.


Arcturus

It was like pulling teeth to get him to make a Top 5 'non porno' movie list.

1. The Dark Knight-With all apologies to Daft Funk, the Dark Knight was freaking amazing. The points he made in his earlier post were valid, but I still believe this was the best movie of '08, regardless of it being a comic book film. Not just an action movie, the film deals with the dark side of humanity and the consequences of the choices we make.

2. Wall-E-More than just a kids film, Wall-E is at once a love story and a warning of the dangers of over-consumption gone wrong. The animation is amazing, the music is perfectly chosen/composed, and the story never seems forced or shrill.

3. Appaloosa-The Western returns with a bang in Ed Harris's solidly directed adaptation of the novel by Robert B. Parker. Harris and Viggo Mortensen make for believable purveyors of justice hired to clean up the town of Appaloosa. Moral dilemmas and sharp dialogue crackle around superb gun play in this character driven piece.

4. Quantum of Solace-Daniel Craig returns for his second go-round as James Bond in the follow up to the incredible Casino Royale. Craig's Bond is still badass, but the plot of the sequel doesn't quite live up to the standard set by Casino Royale. Despite the weaker storyline, QoS still delivers plenty of action and most of the film's appeal is watching Craig make the role of 007 his own. I can only hope that the next film features a tighter script, but as long as Craig is playing the title role, I'll keep coming back for more.

5. Doubt-Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep create sparks in this story of a priest accused of child abuse by a nun. The dialogue is well-written and the acting is simply amazing. An excellent fim that explores the nature of gossip and speculation, as well as the role of the church and its relationship with its parishioners. Outstanding.

Iron Maiden vs. The World

January 14, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

The world is an immense place, so immense that it requires a speed of 11.2 km/s just to escape its gravity. But Iron Maiden is an immense band, so immense that the earth itself cannot escape the pull of the Irons. Is there a force on earth powerful enough to contain these Monsters of Metal?

Only science can tell.

The Pomp Culture Foundation for the Study of Speaker-Melting Rock presents its current findings in today’s installment of Iron Maiden vs. The World:


Iron Maiden vs. the United Nations

Who better to represent The World in this first showdown than the largest international organization of independent nation-states, the UN? Currently consisting of 192 member states, and spanning six continents (the Reptiloid Nazis living under the surface of Antarctica do not recognize the legitimacy of the UN as a governing body, and have rejected all peace overtures), the UN has been a fixture in world diplomacy since 1945. It consists of numerous administrative bodies that address issues as varied as world peace and security, children’s health, and economic development.

But, in a fair fight, could the UN top the mightiest band in the New Wave of British Heavy Metal? And how can such a fight be considered “fair?”

The Methodology:

Given that this is the first of at least two installments of this feature, here’s a one time explanation of the means used to determine a victor. So pay attention!

The PCFFSSMR has determined after years of study that, like all things scientific, the best way to compare seemingly unrelated subjects is to pit them to a specially designed battery of tests. Each test measures a criterion of performance necessary to succeed in the pitched field of battle. Like the UN Security Council, there are 5 permanent categories:
  • Intellectual and/or Literary Merit – What, if any, has the combatant added to the world of thought? Has the combatant synthesized the diverse strands of thought and words to create new and lasting value?
  • Influence – How has the combatant changed the world by deed? What great changes have been wrought through the actions of the combatant?
  • Image/Aesthetic – How does the rest of the world perceive the combatant? How does the combatant “brand” itself?
  • Pomposity – Without pomposity, where would this site be? This is a vital category.
  • Rocking Your Face Off – Probably the most important category of all. Nothing in life has any value if it doesn’t rock your face off.
In addition, there are two revolving categories which reflect the specific conditions of the specific conflict. In this case they are:
  • Stability of Membership – Has there been a unified group membership throughout the combatant’s career?
  • Frontman – Who is the champion selected to represent the combatants on the field of honor? Who all eyes turn to when the follow-spots are on?
Got it? Good. It’s time to move along, because we have some ranking to do:

The Battle:

Intellectual and/or Literary Merit
The UN is not exactly the most romantic of bodies. It doesn’t inspire poets or playwrights, and it certainly doesn’t produce much poetry on its own, as the most recent UN Resolution on Iraq can attest. On a philosophical level, I suppose the UN can derive some justification from the works of Bertrand Russell regarding the necessity of a single world government. But that’s just reaching.

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, has a discography that is rich and varied, seamlessly synthesizing such disparate source material as The First Detective Story (“Murders in the Rue Morgue”), Romantic Epic Poetry (“The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”), classic Cult Television (“The Prisoner”), War films (“Where Eagles Dare”), and Romany legends (“Seventh Son of a Seventh Son”) into new and varied musical offerings. And that’s just scratching the surface.

Advantage: Maiden



Influence

Iron Maiden’s merging of the heaviness of bands like Black Sabbath, the technical precision of bands like Judas Priest, the mysticism of Led Zeppelin, and the raw attitude of early UK punk created a template for any of a number of Metal followers. To this day, an Iron Maiden tour can fill stadiums from Brazil to Eastern Europe to Southeast Asia. And they could probably still fill a decent sized nightclub anywhere else.

The UN, on the other hand, has about the political power of a hall monitor. Overridden time and again by China, the Former Soviet Union, and the United States, the UN Security Council might as well just send an online petition to those that transgress against peace.

Advantage: Maiden



Image/Aesthetic:

Okay, here’s where it gets tough. Maiden is not, what one would call a “pretty” band. Or even a “presentable” one. And, like all Metal bands in the ‘80s, they wore clothes that looked, to be charitable, goofy:

Awful, awful decade.

Of course, the UN is not much more fashionable. Rivaling the British army’s Redcoats for inappropriateness in the field of battle, I present the intimidation of the Powder Blue Warriors of the United Nations:

Congratulations, Rwanda! It's a boy!

So far, it’s looking like a push. Now, if only each combatant had a symbol the world over could recognize and admire…oh wait…they do…

The UN:

The U.N. - making Canada's flag moderately less queer since 1945.

The Irons:

Trivia: This was Ben Franklin's original suggestion for the American flag.
A map vs. Eddie? Give me a break.

Advantage: Maiden



Pomposity

The U.N., in its own words:

“The United Nations is central to global efforts to solve problems that challenge humanity. Cooperating in this effort are more than 30 affiliated organizations, known together as the UN system. Day in and day out, the UN and its family of organizations work to promote respect for human rights, protect the environment, fight disease and reduce poverty. UN agencies define the standards for safe and efficient air travel and help improve telecommunications and enhance consumer protection. The United Nations leads the international campaigns against drug trafficking and terrorism. Throughout the world, the UN and its agencies assist refugees, set up programmes to clear landmines, help expand food production and lead the fight against AIDS.”

Get over yourself, U.N. Also, where are the periods in your initials? And “programmes” are something I watch on my “colour telly.”

Iron Maiden: In 1988, at the height of their fame, the band released a concept album about a fortuneteller that fails to convince a village of an oncoming holocaust, peppered with progressive metal songs, gypsy folklore, and references to the seven deadly sins.
Winner and Still Champion: Maiden

Rocking Your Face Off:

UN has elected to pass on this challenge. Although I hear former Secretary General Dag Hammarskjöld briefly fronted a Death Metal group called “Fjist.”

Advantage: Maiden



Stability of Membership

Of the 51 original members of the UN, all still remain other than Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia, who both ceased to exist as nations in 1992. All of the nations formed afterwards from these two nations have been admitted since this time. Since 1945, the UN has seen a net gain in total membership of 141. The only major personnel shift in UN history as been when the People’s Republic of China replaced Taiwan due to “creative differences.”

Maiden, on the other hand, did not release two consecutive albums with the same lineup until their fifth album, Powerslave. Over the years, they have had 3 drummers, 4 guitarists, and 3 lead vocalists (counting official releases only). Only their bass player and lead guitarist have been with the band from the outset.

Advantage: UN



Frontman

Currently, the UN is fronted by Ban Ki-moon, a South Korean fan of diplomacy who rose to fame via unlikely means – a homemade video of himself mediating an Assembly that covered Classic UN resolutions like the Congo Intervention and the Founding of Unicef. The UN, desperate to replace the popular Khofi Annan (who left the UN to pursue solo projects), happened to catch this video on Youtube and soon Ban was “Living the Dream” of an International Figurehead. However, many diehard fans look at him as a feeble replacement for such an international star, and some have grumbled that maybe the UN has “outlived it’s usefulness.”

When original Iron Maiden frontman Paul Di’Anno left the group in 1981, few thought this once up and coming metal act had a chance of surviving. However, the addition of Ex-Samson vocalist Bruce Dickinson (yes, THE Bruce Dickinson) meant that not only did Maiden survive – it thrived. Dickinson’s operatic vocals and enthusiastic, sweaty appeals to the crowds of screaming fans to “Scream for” him fit the double barreled assault of Iron Maiden like a pair of zebra-striped tights. Classic album after classic album followed suit. And despite a brief period when Dickinson was replaced with the less-than-inspiring Blaze Bayley, Dickinson has taken the boys to new levels of success, fame, and world domination.

Advantage: Maiden



Given the superlative performance in this Scientifically Conducted Contest, it looks like a landslide. By a score of six to one, Iron Maiden handily defeats the United Nations.

Up next: Iron Maiden vs. The Innocent Laughter of a Child!

Do you have any suggestions for whom Iron Maiden should do battle with next? Feel free to leave them in the comments section, where they will likely be ignored!

American Idol Returns

January 13, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Its that time America. Time to tune in to a weekly karaoke contest posing as a hunt for the next great American pop superstar. I hate most things on TV, but I will admit to watching this. I myself have picked up the karaoke mic before, but unlike these people I haven't deluded myself into thinking I can sing. The auditions kind of suck, but when a complete clusterfuck of a person makes it to Hollywood you're in for a treat. Sometimes even the singers the judges gush over are beyond horrible, like Blake "Beaker" Lewis and his inane beatboxing. To get you ready for season 8, since I know you'll be watching whether you admit it or not, lets take a look back at past winners:

Season 1 - Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is actually talented, so for a brief minute it looked like American Idol may actually succeed in producing music superstars. Then they made her release a CD of 70's AM radio schlock. Her second CD Breakaway was more of her own work, wonderfully poppy and better than expected. She's a little chunky, but I still kind of dig her.

Season 2 - Ruben Studdard

Who? Oh yeah, the fat dude who beat out the homosexual muppet. Its truly amazing Fox didn't pull the plug on the show after this debacle.

Season 3 - Fantasia Barrino

You are far more likely to be hit by lighting while reading this sentence than you are to own a Fantasia CD. Even if you count the soundtrack to the Disney movie, the odds still aren't high. Season 3 isn't remembered for its winner, but for booting off Jennifer Hudson. She wasn't good enough to win Simon Cowell's karaoke night, but she was good enough to win an Oscar.

Season 4 - Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood is the perfect modern country singer: Blond hair, nice body, and absolutely no discernible talent. Have you heard this awful Before He Cheats song? She's basically gloating about being a vindictive psycho bitch.

Season 5 - Taylor Hicks

The gray haired Hicks, who is a hick, beat out Scientology enthusiast Katherine McPhee for the season 5 title. I know absolutely nothing else about this year except that this is the rock Chris Daughtry crawled out from under. Nickelback replaced Creed, and Daughtry had hoped to replace Nickelback, but unfortunately for him those canucks aren't done raping music yet.

Season 6 - Jordin Sparks

OK, this is where I came in. Sanjaya Malakar was making a mockery of the entire show every week and there were some people who actually didn't suck too hard. It was win win. In the end, Phillippi Sparks' daughter beat out a beatboxing muppet (what is it with this show and guys who look like muppets?), a disco queen, and an albino to win. She's actually gone on to have a decent career so far.

Season 7 - David Cook

All the tweens wanted David Archuleta to win this season, but cooler heads prevailed and Cook beat him out. Cook isn't that great either, he's another Creed/Nickelback/Daughtry clone, but Archuleta is a weird little shit. The tweens and their moms liked him because he looks asexual and non-threatening, but one day they're going to catch him with like 20 dead Filipino boys under his house. You heard it here first.

Season 8 - ????

Oh yes, here we are. Who will win? Who cares? Just tune in and watch the train go off the rails. Tattoo girl seems pretty good though. There's a new female judge, which means they expect Paula Abdul to OD on pain killers before next season and there are supposedly fewer gimmicks like Men Without Hats Night. SEACREST OUT.

"Where are all the Filipino boys at?"