Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 7

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Special thanks to Daft Funk for taking over the Hangover duties for me that past few weeks. It was refreshing to have someone new in there that actually watches these games. But alas, you're now subjected to my horribly vague and pointless recaps once more.

Buffalo 23
San Diego 14
Philip Rivers turns the ball over 3 times and helps the Chargers drop back below .500. Did I pick these a-holes to win the Super Bowl? Jesus, my predictions are about as detrimental to a team's chances as the Madden Cover Curse.

Carolina 30

New Orleans 7

The Saints can't buy a break when it comes to staying healthy. They've already been without Marques Colston for a while, Jeremy Shockey came back from a sports hernia only to have possibly injured something again, and now Reggie Bush is out 3-4 weeks with knee problems. At 3-4, New Orleans finds themselves in the bottom of the NFC South, struggling to keep this ship afloat (and healthy).

Chicago 48

Minnesota 41

I don't know what to think of this game. 48 points is the most any Bears team has scored since the Ditka days, but giving up 41 to Gus Frerotte and company doesn't sit well, especially when Gus was atrocious and threw 4 picks. Kyle Orton once again looked decent enough for us to forget about the Rex Grossman era for the time being.

Pittsburgh 38

Cincinnati 10

Willie Parker Rashard Mendenhall Mewelde Moore (remember him?) shined for the Steelers as he ran for 120 yards and 2 touchdowns. Is there a bigger trainwreck of a team right now than the Bengals? Now they have Cedric Benson running for them. Insert Bengals/criminal record joke here.

Tennessee 34

Kansas City 10

The Titans are 6-0 now. How did this happen? The Chiefs apparently didn't think tackling the opposing running backs was necessary. Chris Johnson had 168 yards rushing to go along with LenDale White's 149. With a bruising run game, and solid defense, Kerry Collins just has to worry about not making any huge mistakes. That and staying sober.

Baltimore 27

Miami 13

Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis tormented the Miami offense all day as the Ravens harpooned the Dolphins. Willis McGahee had his first 100 yard rushing game of the season. I'd go on but you've already jumped to the next game out of sheer disinterest.

N.Y. Giants 29

San Francisco 17

Turnovers and sacks were the name of the game as the Giants D dominated the Niners for four quarters. Eli Manning once again did a good job of doing nothing spectacular, further cementing his place as the most overrated quarterback in football.

St. Louis 34

Dallas 14

Methusaleh Johnson filled in for Tony Romo and Tony Romo's broken pinky and the Rams D had a field day against him, sacking him 3 times and picking him off 3 times as well. Steven Jackson had his best game of the season, rushing for 165 yards with 3 touchdowns. With their second straight win the Rams move to 2-4 and take sole possession of second place in the NFC West. Look out Arizona, St. Louis is slowly limping after you!

Houston 28

Detroit 21

This game really wasn't as close as it seemed. Detroit managed to put up 11 fourth quarter points to pull within a touchdown before losing. The Texans offense controlled the tempo, holding on to the ball for over 40 minutes of the game. My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Green Bay 34

Indianapolis 14

Looking at the receiving stats in the box score, one would be hard-pressed to notice Brett Favre's absence from the Packers. Aaron Rodgers, like his predecessor, seems to have a knack for spreading the ball around as he completed passes with 8 different players this week. Also Peyton Manning is a douche.

Oakland 16

N.Y. Jets 13

This overtime thriller ended with a 57 yard field goal from Jeff Jaeger. Blair Thomas had 159 yards rushing for the Jets but Brad Baxter scored their only touchdown. The Raiders scored their lone touchdown on a Jay Schroeder pass to Mervyn Fernandez. I was really surprised that Bo Jackson was held under 100 yards.

What? Oh, um who really cares what happened in this game?

Washington 14

Cleveland 11

Clinton Portis has been a beast this season. He racked up 175 yards against Cleveland, giving him 4 straight 100 yard games. He's currently on pace to rush for over 1800 yards. Derek Anderson had yet another miserable game. The Brady Quinn Era draws nigh.

Tampa Bay 20

Seattle 10

I don't know exactly when my hatred of the Seahawks began. Perhaps it's when they continued to cry about being wronged by the refs in the Super Bowl. Maybe it's that I've never liked Mike Holmgren. Either way, watching them struggle mightily has been a real treat for me this season. Between them, the Rams and Niners, it's as if they're just handing the division title to the Cardinals. Arizona really has to F things up to lose it at this point.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Kyle Orton, CHI (283 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Steven Jackson, STL (160 yards rushing, 3 TD)
WR - Calvin Johnson, DET (2 catches, 154 rec yards, 96 yard TD)
WR - Andre Johnson, HOU (11 catches, 141 rec yards)
TE - Owen Daniels, HOU (6 catches, 66 rec yards, 2 TD)
DEF - N.Y. Giants (6 sacks, 1 safety, 2 interceptions, 1 fumble recovery)


The Flaming Bag Team
Cuz poop is funny!

QB - Brett Favre, GB (197 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT)
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA (27 yards rushing)
WR - Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (1 catch, 0 rec yards)
WR - Marvin Harrison, IND (2 catches, 11 rec yards)
TE - Vernon Davis, SF (1 catch, 5 rec yards)
DEF - Cincinnati (38 points allowed, no sacks, interceptions, forced fumbles, fumble recoveries, nothing)

Monday Night Prediction:

I know the Patriots have struggled and Denver typically owns them, but I just have this feeling that New England pulls this one out at home tonight. New England (-3) over Denver.

Monday Afternoon Hangover

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Even with a ton of close calls and last-second wins this week, the majority of the games in Week um...whatever week this is, were boring as hell. No fighting. No late hits or dirty play. And wouldn't you know it? The Bears blow another 4th quarter lead.

How many days until Spring Training again?

Chicago 20
Atlanta 22
I understand the point of the "pooch kick" and trying to prevent a long return. But if you're going to kick it short, you've got to keep in mind that a 20 or 30 yard pass could put the opposing team within field goal range. If I were Kyle Orton, I'd be pissed. With just a little smarter play and the ability to not blow 4th quarter leads, the Bears could easily be 6-0.

Baltimore 3

Indianapolis 31

Peyton "Douche" Manning has his first "Peyton Manning" game of the season. I was expecting a more dangerous game than this with Ray Lewis stabbing people on one side and Marvin Harrison shooting people on the other. Sadly, this game didn't end with any murders.

Detroit 10

Minnesota 12

The Lions sucked under Matt Millen. The Lions still suck after he's gone. But at least now they're entertaining, right? They aren't? Aw shit.

Oakland 3

New Orleans 34

Is it just me or was every game this week either decided by less than 3 points or more than 25? Drew Brees continues to not only play well for the Saints, but to keep sticking it to the Dolphins. Remember when Miami decided to pass on signing Brees and picked up Daunte Culpepper instead? FAIL.

Cincinnati 14

NY Jets 26

Thomas Jones scored 2 touchdowns. other than that, everyone else in this game was a wasteland statistically. I looked at this box score and saw nothing worth liking. DRRRAIIIINNNAGGGEEE!

Carolina 3

Tampa Bay 27

Jeff Garcia comes out on top of Jake Delhomme and the Panthers. Garcia says he "couldn't think of a better place to be."

St. Louis 19

Washington 17

This game's passing leader? Washington's Jason Campbell with 208 yards. Rushing leader? Washington's Clinton Portis with 129 yards. Receiving? Washington's Antwaan Randle El with 87 yards. So how the hell did the Redskins manage to lose this one? Clearly it has something to do with their semi-racist mascot.

Miami 28

Houston 29

The Texans were down by 6 points and faced 4th and goal from the 4 yard line. Fail to score, and they fall to 0-5. QB Matt Schaub calls his own number and runs it in himself on a QB draw. That, my friends, is having a set of brass balls.

Jacksonville 24

Denver 17

Denver suffers a rare home loss. Jacksonville finally avenges their bitter loss to the Broncos in the 1997 AFC Wild Card game.

Dallas 24

Arizona 30

Jesus Christ was this game exciting. After a terribly sloppy and boring first half, the 4th quarter was the bomb with the Cowboys scoring 10 points in the last few minutes to force overtime. Not one, but two Cardinals came through on a Dallas 4th down punt to block it and take it into the endzone for the win. This is the furthest into the season the Cardinals have been in first place since 1872.

Philadelphia 40

San Francisco 26

Just as she did when the show was on the air, Sweet Dee is trying to live the Sex and the City life now that there is a movie. Her hopes of going out with the gals to a martini bar just never seem to come together. Maybe that's because she hangs out with 4 men in a pub. 4 men who are currently discussing a poop problem Charlie and Frank are having.

The two share not only an apartment but a bed and for the second time they have found a piece of poop between them upon waking. Neither bunk mate is willing to confess. Charlie's PJ's with back flap and Frank's giant dress shirt that he sleeps in are used against the other as proof against the other. While none of the guys seem concerned with Dee's problem, Dennis at least seems intrigued by a mystery: Who Pooped the Bed?

Green Bay 27

Seattle 17

I fell asleep during this game it was so boring. Hey, that Favre guy didn't play for Green Bay. His streak is over! Ha! What a douchebag.

New England 10

San Diego 30

Did anyone else watch this game? Because for every one person that was watching it, that's one more person than there were defensive coordinators for the Patriots watching. If they were, they would have seen early that Vincent Jackson (and everyone else) completely owned New England corner Deltha O'Neal all night. Bench him please. As much as I hate New England, I hate the Chargers even more.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NO (320 yards, 3 TD)
RB - Maurice Jones-Drew, JAC (125 yards rushing, 2 TD)
WR - Andre Johnson, HOU (10 catches, 178 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Marvin Harrison, IND (3 catches, 83 rec yards, 2 TD)
TE - Marcedes Lewis, JAC (3 catches, 64 rec yards, 1 TD)
DEF - Indianapolis (3 points allowed, 3 INT, 2 fumbles recovered)


The Flaming Bag Team
Cuz poop is funny!

This week's Flaming Bag team is every Chicago Bears player involved in the last 11 seconds of their game. HOW DO YOU LOSE THAT GAME???

Monday Night Prediction:

Cleveland over NY Giants

Monday Afternoon Hangover

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Feeling a bit intellectual today? Well too bad, because we're doing this haiku style, bitches! You might be thinking that I'm doing this just because I'm lazy. That may be true, but I might also be standing right behind you right now, ready to strike you in the throat! Ha ha ha! Ok, just kidding. Or am I? I'm an excellent hider, so you'll never know. There are so many nice things to hid behind in your room too...

Chicago 34

Detroit 7

Though Millen is gone,

Lions still have bad players.

Expect more losses.

Atlanta 27

Green Bay 24

Green Bay fans miss Brett.

They look to food for comfort.

More bratwurst, Fatty?

San Diego 10

Miami 17

Seas will turn to blood.

Apocalypse is coming.

Miami is...good?

Seattle 6

New York Giants 44

Bet on the Seahawks?

That's really, really stupid.

God, you're so stupid.

Washington 23

Philadelphia 17

Always Sunny? Nope!

Eagles should have given 'Skins

Infected blankets.

Kansas City 0

Carolina 34

Carolina rolls.

The Panthers' key to success?

Punch your teammate's face.

Tennessee 13

Baltimore 10

Neither team scored much.

Haynesworth didn't step on heads.

Ray Lewis: MURDER!

Indianapolis 31

Houston 27

Even in hard times,

Houston can count on one thing:

Berkman's still a douche.

Tampa Bay 13

Denver 16

Fans love Cutler's hair.

His locks make the ladies swoon.

Cut your hair, hippie.

Cincinnati 22

Dallas 31

Cowboys get the win.

Palmer played way too uptight.

Constipated? Sure!

Buffalo 17

Arizona 41

Bills running back Lynch

Fails to carry the offfense.

'Least he's not in jail.

New England 30

San Francisco 21

O'Sullivan comes

Up short. His name sounds like a

Sweet bar. And I'm drunk.

Pittsburgh 26

Jacksonville 21

Once, I killed a man.

Never told anyone that.

Oh, the Steelers won.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Kyle Orton(?), CHI (334 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Brandon Jacobs, NYG (136 yards rushing, 2 TD)
WR - Roddy White, ATL (8 catches, 132 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Andre Johnson, HOU (9 catches, 131 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Chris Cooley, WAS (8 catches, 109 rec yards, 1 TD)
DEF - Carolina (0 points allowed, 2 INT, 1 fumble recovered)


The Flaming Bag Team
Poop on the shoes, man!

QB - Jon Kitna, DET (74 yards, 1 INT)
RB - Larry Johnson, KC (7 carries, 2 yards)
WR - Calvin Johnson, DET (2 catches, 16 yards)
WR - Eddie Royal, DEN (3 catches, 23 yards)
TE - Antonio Gates, SD (1 catch, 12 yards)
DEF - Buffalo (41 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
The Saints are marching.
Frerotte still playing? Is it
Nineteen ninety-six?

Saints 35, Vikings 17

Anyone looks like an MVP against Detroit!

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 4

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Stupid NFL...if you had to pick 5 games this week to bet your life on, you probably would have gotten 3 of them wrong and almost had a heart attack watching the other two. Not that I would actually gamble on a sporting event...

Don't judge me...

Cleveland 20

Cincinnati 12

What a difference a year makes. In Week 2 of 2007, the Browns beat the Bengals 51-45, more like a Big Ten basketball score than a football result. So what did they do for an early-season encore this year? Try to imagine the exact opposite. Carson Palmer didn't even play (Injured? Ineffective? Scientologist?), and his backup Ryan Fitzpatrick led both teams with a whopping 156 yards passing. It was Fitzpatrick's first start since he was with St. Louis in 2005. I was impressed with Fitzpatrick's ability to step in at a moment's notice and play just like he was a member of the 2008 Rams.

Tennessee 30

Minnesota 17

The Titans blast the Vikings, proving that the team with more double consonants in their name shall reign supreme. The game really came down to the receivers on each side of the ball, with Justin Gage/Justin McCareins in for the Titans and Bobby Wade/Bernard Berrian in for the Vikings. Two guys named Justin will always trump two ex-Bears receivers. Hell, two guys named Percy would take any 2 ex-Bears receivers to school.

Kansas City 33

Denver 19

This was one of the games this week that probably lost a lot of people their rent money for next month. Mike Shanahan is now 3-11 in 14 regular-season games at Arrowhead in his career. Fun Fact: the Chiefs are still only 2-12 over their last 14 games going back to last year.

New Orleans 31

San Francisco 17

The Niners and the Saints seem to be different sides of the same coin. Coming into this week, when one of them lost, the other one won. In no week did they both win, and in no week did they both lose. As early as last Monday, I predicted that this pattern would hold for at least another week, and I was right. God, I'm so fucking awesome (Flexes in mirror, hurts self).

Arizona 35

New York Jets 56

How awesome is Kurt Warner? Brett Favre is so in awe of him, he felt that he had to throw 6 touchdowns just to get even the slightest amount of attention from the Bearded Jesus. While Favre may have won the game, Warner beat both Brett and his own teammate Matt Leinart in the war of "Who Wears Stubble Best?"

Green Bay 21

Tampa Bay 30

The Bucs win over the Packers in the Battle of the Bay's. Aaron Rodgers may have separated his shoulder. Tampa Bay quarterback Jeff Garcia offered to let Rodgers use his hands for "anything he needs while he's hurt. Anything." Tampa Bay receiver Michael Clayton had 3 catches for 28 yards. That George Clooney is a good-ass actor.

Atlanta 9

Carolina 29

The Falcons have a strange pattern this season where they'll win a game and immediately follow it up by losing their next game 29-9. I don't really have any joke here. I just thought it was bizarre. In regards to the pattern of 29-9 losses, it's like Morgan Freeman said in the movie Seven: "You can expect more of these."

Houston 27

Jacksonville 30

Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor, the best two-headed running back in the league, only combined for 57 yards rushing. But a few trick plays and some timely running by David Garrard allowed the Jags to send the Texans packing. The Texans are now 0-3 for the 3rd time in 4 years, challenging the Cardinals for the "Most Cocktease Seasons" crown.

San Diego 28

Oakland 18

Leave it to the Raiders to actually get a surprising 15-0 lead, and then find a way to blow it to one of the most dysfunctional teams in the league. Being able to see the Chargers play every week, I know they're a team that will pretty much give up ("LIGHTS OUT!") if they're trailing after halftime, so Oakland must have really tried hard to blow this one.

Buffalo 31

St. Louis 14

The Rams were actually leading this game for a while, but then Trent Green remembered that it was 2008 and not 2000. The pride of Cedar Rapids chucked a costly INT that was returned for a touchdown and things quickly went the way that they have been going for the Rams for the last 2 years.

Washington 26

Dallas 24

Is it possible that all 4 teams in the NFC East could win 11 games? The Redskins have now won 5 off their last 7 games against the Cowboys. What does this tell us? Mildly racist mascots are the key to beating the top teams in the NFC. Expect the New York Crackers to dominate the conference next season.

Philadelphia 20

Chicago 24

The Bears should play every one of their games on Sunday night. A great win. I just hope this isn't another in the long list of Chicago teams that play great against great competition, and then crap the bed every time they play a shitty team.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Brett Favre, NYJ (289 yards, 6 TD)
RB - Larry Johnson, KC (198 yards rushing, 2 TD)
WR - Mushin Muhammad, CAR (8 catches, 147 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Santana Moss, WAS (8 catches, 145 rec yards)
TE - Jason Witten, DAL (7 catches, 90 rec yards, 1 TD)
DEF - Carolina (9 points allowed)


The Flaming Bag Team
Poop on the shoes, man!

QB - Brian Griese, TB (15-30, 149 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT)
RB - Darren McFadden, OAK (20 yards)
WR - Brandon Lloyd, CHI (2 catches, 33 yards)
WR - Andre Johnson, TEX (2 catches, 38 yards)
TE - Tony Scheffler, DEN (1 catch, 26 yards)
DEF - Arizona (56 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
Ravens over Steelers

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 3

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Classic NFL. Nothing ever goes as thought. Teams that are supposed to suck beat teams that are supposed to be good. Guys get hurt and drastically alter game plans. We should have a good handle on how things will play out some time late November.

Helping me out today is Chaim Witz who chipped in on several of today's game writeups.

Atlanta 38
Kansas City 14
How is Herm Edwards still employed? The once proud Chiefs have been run into the ground. Christian Okoye's good name is being tarnished. Meanwhile, the Falcons are showing some signs of life. I don't think anyone is shitting their pants when they see ATL on the schedule, but they look like they'll put up a good (dog) fight.

Buffalo 24
Oakland 23
Buffalo struggled for 3 quarters until someone finally reminded them they were playing the Oakland Raiders. JaMarcus Russell threw 3 passes in the second half. 3. THREE. You assholes wasted a first round pick on this clown. Al Davis will have plenty of company in his cold grave as this franchise has already been driven deep into the ground. Meanwhile Buffalo went throwback with their uniforms. An angry OJ Simpson immediately began scoping out random wedding receptions for a new crew to steal back his 'memorabilia'.

Tampa Bay 27
Chicago 24
Charles Tillman wins the "Dipshit of the Week" award for his penalty-inducing altercation with Michael Clayton. Apparently pinning the opposition against their own endzone to force a fourth down in overtime was just too easy. Charles wanted a greater degree of difficulty.

Hooray to Kyle Orton for giving the Bears some semblance of a pass attack. Although some credit certainly has to go to Brandon Lloyd for actually catching the balls thrown to him, a concept that continues to escape Rashied Davis and Greg Olsen.

Minnesota 20
Carolina 10
Gus Frerotte is inserted in at QB and promptly leads the Vikings to their first victory. Playing veteran QB's over young guys is the new black. The NFC is going to be wild this year. Really, the Rams and Lions are the only two teams that you can really say 'suck' and don't have a shot at the playoffs. That's right. The NFC is the new AFC.

Miami 38
New England 13
The Sam Casell Matt Cassel Honeymoon lasted all of one game. New England is handed it first regular season loss since the Cuban Missle Crisis by the Dolphins of all teams. Actually, Ronnie 'No Relation to Bobby' Brown beat the Patriots, almost singlehandedly. Five touchdowns is a real dick puncher. After the game, he was seen mockingly wearing Belichick's sleeveless hoodie.

Obviously this would've been different had Tom Brady played. Brady could've been in full uniform as Ronnie Brown made New England's defense look like idiots.

New York Giants 26
Cincinnati 23
God damn you Cincinnati. I at least give you credit for nearly beating these assholes. This game irritated me on so many levels.

• I just don't get the overall man love CBS and other media heads have for Eli Manning. My only guess is that it's like having the retarded kid take on some big responsibility and we shower them with inordinate amounts of praise regardless if they are doing the job worth a damn. I was able to secure an official statement from Dan Dierdorf who was kind enough to say, "Eli Manning, OMG, skeet, skeet, SKEET!"
• Am I the only one somewhat bothered that the officials didn't review the Amani Toomer tiptoe catch along the sideline? I'm not saying he was out of bounds, but in overtime something as close as that should get a second look.
• At one point, while discussing the Cardinals, Dierdorf made some comment that Ken Whisenhunt obviously didn't care about starting the most talented QB on their team. Pardon my French Dan, but maybe if you got your cock out of Matt Leinart's ass he could've thrown the ball better in preseason. I'm amazed you even had time to service Fatty Matty, what with your busy schedule of fellating Eli Manning.
• /angryrant>
  

Tennessee 31
Houston 12
Houston is the Arizona of the AFC. For a few years now, they've been the trendy 'sleeper pick', but then every year without fail, they suck. Getting beat by the Kerry Collins led Oilers does nothing to reduce that amount of sucktitude. Matt Schaub's ineptitude could usher in a Cyclone rising, with Sage Rosenfels waiting in the wings.

Washington 24
Arizona 17
Watching this game, it was pretty clear that the Cardinals were the better team, but they kept beating themselves because after all, they are still the Cardinals. Kurt Warner and Company couldn't make plays down the stretch and their defense had no answer to Jason Campbell's dinks and dunks. Also of note, judging by the crowd shots, every single Redskins fan is morbidly obese.

Denver 34
New Orleans 32
And old-fashioned shootout this one was. The Saints could've won but Martin Gramatica missed a field goal late in the game. Gramatica still isn't the same since a certain Mr. Romo ruined his chance at glory a few years back.

San Francisco 31
Detroit 13
The 49ers are probably a little better than you think. The Lions on the other hand, are much worse than you think. I say this knowing full well that you already think that they're the worst team in the league. Mad Scientist Mike Martz up to his old tricks again, but unlike his stint in D-town, he might actually have the weapons to pull it off this time. Frank Gore rushed for 130 yards while eating a sandwich and sleeping with your girlfriend.

Seattle 37
St. Louis 13
Another game, another blow out. The Rams. I mean wow. Greatest Show on Turf, where have you gone? This current edition couldn't even pass for 'Mildly Entertaining Yet Ultimately Disappointing Show That Occurs on Turf'. And something about the Seahawks just angers me. They don't really have the long history of douchiness that a team like the Cowboys do, but I still hate them. Maybe it's Matt Hasslebeck. He really seems like he'd be like an intolerable son of a bitch.

Baltimore 28
Cleveland 10
The Ravens suck. Lucky for them the Browns suck even more.

Jacksonville 23
Indianapolis 21
Jacksonville finally gets their first win and the Colts drop to 1-2. Peyton Manning and the Colts offense still doesn't look quite like their usual self. After two dismal showings in the first couple weeks, the Jaguars running game turned it on as Fred Taylor finished with 121 yards rushing to go along with Maurice Jones-Drew's 107.

Philadelphia 15
Pittsburgh 6
Is there any doubt on who the real MVP of the Eagles is? With Brian Westrbook out, the Eagles offense struggled to put points on the board. Luckily for them the Steelers offense had even worse luck scoring as the Eagles defense made Big Ben's life a living hell, sacking him 8 times.

Dallas 27
Green Bay 16
Dallas gets it done in Lambeau. Who the hell is Miles Austin?


The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NO (421 yards, 1 TD)
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA (113 yards rushing, 4 TD plus 1 passing TD)
WR - T.J. Houshmandzadeh, CIN (12 catches, 146 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Brandon Marshall, DEN (6 catches, 155 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Jerramy Stevens, TB (5 catches, 61 rec yards, 1 TD, humongous douchebag)
DEF - Philadelphia (6 points allowed, 9 sacks, 1 interception, 1 safety, 2 fumble recoveries vs. Pittsburgh)


The Flaming Bag Team
Poop on the shoes, man!

QB - Ben Roethlisberger, PIT (13-25, 131 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 2 fumbles lost)
RB - Earnest Graham, TB (16 yards)
WR - Reggie Williams, JAC (1 catch, 11 yards)
WR - David Patten, NO (2 catches, 12 yards)
TE - Ben Watson, NE (1 catch, 6 yards)
DEF - New England (38 points allowed vs. Ronnie Brown)

Monday Night Pick
Jets (+8.5) over the Chargers. Screw you Norv Turner, you make me not know what to believe any more.

God dammit Charlie!

Monday Afternoon Hangover

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Tennessee 24

Cincinnati 7

Can we just close the book on Carson Palmer's career now? He's been pretty crappy ever since his kneee blew out against the Steelers in the 2006 playoffs. Sure, Chad Johnson is a distraction and a half, but he's talented. TJ Houshmendenzalahfalxijadeh is a stud as well. There's no reason Palmer shouldn't put up at least 250 yards and 2 touchdowns a game. Who would have thought that after 2 weeks, the most successful USC quarterback in the league would be Matt Cassel?

Buffalo 20

Jacksonville 16

One half of my Super Bowl prediction is 0-2. Granted, the Jags have played against 2 pretty great defenses this season, but they were supposed to be pretty good on D themselves. Any time Kerry Collins can throw a touchdown against you, let alone his first one since 1946, you're no longer a Super Bowl contender unless you hold your next 3 opponents to 3 points or fewer. Next week's game against Indy will be pretty telling.

Oakland 23

Kansas City 8

Continuing the trend of USC failures in the NFL, Justin Fargas got hurt in this game and opened the door for Darren McFizzle (fo' shizzle) to go off for over 100 yards and a touchdown. I'll say it right now...I'd rather have McFadden than Adrian Peterson. Run DMC could be just as good as Purple Jesus if he had the monster offensive line that Minnesota has.

Indianapolis 18

Minnesota 15

Pundits may point the finger at Peyton Manning's injury in the preseason as the reason that the Colts aren't scoring, but I think the absence of Jeff Saturday is a lot more damaging than most people think. Minnesota's got a great front 7, but any time a superb running team like the Colts apparently are only gets Joseph Addai 20 yards on 15 carries, something ain't right. By the way, Minny scored all their points via the field goal. Offensive FAIL.

Carolina 20

Chicago 17

Kyle Orton played better than Jake Delhomme. Forte rushed for more years than Stewart. How did the Bears manage to lose this game again? And how the hell does Mushin Mohammad go to Carolina and play better despite having a worse supporting cast in the receiving corps? Oh yeah...no Rex.

Green Bay 48

Detroit 25

Green Bay goes from Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers. San Francisco goes from Montana to Steve Young to Jeff Garcia. How are these teams getting so many productive quarterbacks in succession and the Bears keep trotting out the same Rex Grossman - Kyle Orton - Shane Matthews - Kordell Stewart - Jim Miller - Cade McNown - Danny Wuerffel - types year after year?

NY Giants 41

St. Louis 13

I feel bad for Stephen Jackson. One of the better backs in the league has no offensive line to speak of and a quarterback that doesn't seem skilled or smart enough to run the offense. If I were playing against the Rams, I'd line 10 guys up at the line of scrimmage and put the last guy man to man on Torry Holt. Done and done.

Washington 29

New Orleans 24

Reggie Bush is a prick. Remember in the playoffs in 2007 when the Saints were sticking it to the Bears in the NFC Championship game and Bush taunted Urlacher on his way into the end zone on a long score? Remember how the Bears got pissed and smashed the Saints for the rest of the game? Well Bush did a similar taunt to the Redskins on a punt return for a TD. Same result: Saints lose. When you're one of the top 5, or even top 10 backs in the league, you can showboat a bit. But Reggie, you're just not that good in the NFL. Yes, I'm hating on USC again. They make it too easy. It's a factory of overrated system players that suck at the next level.

Tampa Bay 24

Atlanta 8

Brian Griese wins it for Tampa Bay. There's something shady going on in the Tampa Bay locker room. Jon Gruden says Garcia is too hurt to play. Garcia says he's not hurt at all. And yes, I'll take any opportunity I can get to use "Jeff Garcia" and "shady locker room activity" in the same sentence. That's a joke that could practically write itself.

San Francisco 33

Seattle 30

For no reason whatsoever, I'm delighted with the failure of the Seahawks so far this season.

New England 19

NY Jets 10

This is the Brett Favre that stayed hidden for most of last season for some unknown reason. Now he's back. Even with a monster offensive line, Favre got worked over time and time again. He did set the record for most touchdowns thrown in a career, breaking the old record that was held by Brett Favre. Why is no one reporting this???Brett Favre broke a record! And it used to belong to Brett Favre!!! OMG!!!!

Denver 39

San Diego 38

HA!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Arizona 31

Miami 10

The Sultan of Stubble makes Matt Leinart even more of a distant memory. In fact, I've already forgotten about him. If Leinart wants to be even half the quarterback Warner is, he needs to drop the beer bong and pick up the Lord.

Pittsburgh 10

Cleveland 6

One word: BOOOOOOORING!!!!!!!

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Jay Cutler, DEN (350 yards, 4 TD, rad haircut)
RB - Darren Sproles, SD (8000 all-purpose yards)
WR - Anquan Boldin, ARI (6 catches, 140 rec yards, 3 TD)
WR - Santana Moss, WAS (7 catches, 164 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Tony Scheffler, CAR (6 catches, 64 rec yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Green Bay (2 TD, 3 INT)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (16-27, 134 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT)
RB - Larry Johnson, KC (22 yards)
WR - James Thrash, WAS (1 catch, 2 yards)
TE - Alge Crumpler, TEN (2 catches, 16 yards)
DEF - St. Louis (41 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick

Upset Special: Eagles over Cowboys 33-27

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 1

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

One week down and we're already throwing out everything we thought we knew. Tom Brady is done for the year? The Colts lose bad to the Bears? Miami can score touchdowns? What the hell is going on here?!

N.Y. Giants 16
Washington 7
Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress. Apparently that's all you need to beat the Redskins. The Giants get the win as Eli Manning begins an encore of his emmy-winning performance as the retarded QB that wins the big game.

Atlanta 34
Detroit 21
The "Who Gives a Shit?" game of the week became the Michael Turner Show as the Northern Illinois standout finally broke out on his own and ditched the long-standing title as "LT's backup". It's hard to make too much out of Atlanta's performance. The Lions defense is absolutely horrendous, and with a running attack of Turner and Jerious Norwood racking up over 300 yards, there certainly wasn't much pressure on Matt Ryan to produce.

Not much can be said about Detroit other than Calvin Johnson looks to be legit. Hey Millen, I guess 4th time's a charm huh?

Baltimore 17
Cincinnati 10
Do you hear that? That's the sound of Marvin Lewis' coaching tenure with the Bengals going down the drain. Jesus this team is terrible. When the most interesting news about your team regards your receiver changing his name to Spanish digits (wouldn't Ochenta y cinco be more accurate?) you've got problems. I-AA superstar Joe Flacco wins his first NFL start. While his performance isn't anything to call mom about, it'll be interesting to see if Baltimore can groom the former Blue Hen into a franchise QB.

Buffalo 34
Seattle 10
At least for one week I'm going to toot my horn on picking Seattle to finish last. When looking at all the rosters, Seattle received the Daniel Planview analysis from me. I look at these people and see nothing worth liking.

Meanwhile Buffalo wins with authority, and with the impending doom of Tom Brady's demise in Foxboro, Buffalo fans have to be stoked about the rest of the season.

N.Y. Jets 20
Miami 14
This game struggled to keep my attention as I bounced between this, the Saints/Falcons and the Cubs/Reds (fuck you Chris Dickerson and Jolbert Cabrera!). The desperation heave into the end zone was classic Favre (which would've never happened if Nugent was able to kick a FG). Miami isn't going to set the world on fire by any means, but they do appear to be on their way upward after hitting rock bottom last season.

New England 17
Kansas City 10
Hyperventilating Pats fans should at least be happy they were playing the Chiefs. Had they faced a decent squad, they may not have even won. Meanwhile Jets and Bills fans are rejoicing as the AFC East race just blew wide open.

New Orleans 24
Tampa Bay 20
Underrated: Reggie Bush as a receiver. Only 51 yards rushing is just fine when he can catch 8 passes for 112 yards and one touchdown receiving.

The Saints should have more hurricanes hit their city. It always seems to get them fired up.

Philadelphia 38
St. Louis 3
It's games like these that makes me wonder why on Earth I continue to pick St. Louis to win the NFC West. Jesus they're horrible. The offense couldn't get shit done and the defense had no answers for McNabb and the Eagles air attack. Also how about that DeSean Jackson kid? Did Philly finally get the young stud receiver that Freddie Mitchell never panned out to be? The lesson is, never draft UCLA receivers.

Tennessee 17
Jacksonville 10
Jacksonville struggled to run the ball as Tennessee held the Fred Taylor/Maurice Jones-Drew duo to only 31 yards combined. David Garrard also struggled to get anything going as he was sacked 7 times by a tenacious Titan defense.

Vince Young looked like shit yet again before getting hurt and giving way to Kerry Collins. I'll say it, I'm not impressed with Vince Young. I'd pick him as the most overrated quarterback in the NFL right now if it wasn't for Derek Anderson. Chris Johnson and LenDale White both had 15 carries each, and while White got the TD, Johnson looked more impressive averaging 6.2 ypc compared too White's 2.67. The rookie out of East Carolina is certainly making a case to get the bulk of Tennessee's carries.

Dallas 28
Cleveland 10
Granted there are still questions about his performance in high pressure games, Tony Romo and the Cowboys offense is firing on all cylinders at the start of the season as they dispose of the Browns in rather easy fashion.

Witten, Owens, and Crayton all were on their game, racking up 80+ yards apiece. The Dallas run game also looked tough as Marion Barber and Felix Jones combined for 142 yards and 3 touchdowns. Jones is another rookie RB making some noise already. This could be one of the best rookie RB classes in a long time.

Carolina 26
San Diego 24
Figures. I pick San Diego to win it all and they come out and blow their first game of the year. For whatever reason, everyone wrote off the Panthers in week one as they played without Steve Smith. Whoops. Jake Delhomme managed one helluva last minute drive that culminated in a TD pass to Dante Rosario (who?) with 2 seconds on the clock.

Arizona 23
San Francisco 13
One week in and the NFC West looks just as terrible as ever. First rounders Alex Smith and Matt Leinart sat on the sidelines and watched as Touchdown Jesus and Jim Druckenmiller J.T. O'Sullivan got the starts at QB. San Francisco turned the ball over 5 times as ineptitude won out.

Chicago 29
Indianapolis 13
What the hell? I'll admit, after the dismal finish to the Cubs game, I really had enough disappointment for the day, so I opted not to watch this game. I tune in late in the 4th quarter to see how ugly it was and was stunned to see the score. What the hell happened?

Somehow the Bears channeled some of that 2006 magic. Matt Forte helped them establish a solid ground game. The defense looked tough, and Neckbeard Orton did just enough to get them downfield without completely mucking things up.

This gives me hope. At the very least I feel better about picking the Bears to finish ahead of the Lions.


The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Donovan McNabb, PHI (361 yards, 3 TD, still black)
RB - Michael Turner, ATL (220, 2 TD)
WR - Hines Ward, PIT (6 catches, 76 rec yards, 2 TD)
WR - Reggie Wayne, IND (10 catches, 86 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Dante Rosario, CAR (7 catches, 96 rec yards, 1 TD, who the hell is this guy?)
DEF - Buffalo (10 points allowed, 5 sacks, 1 interception, 1 fumble recovery vs. Seattle)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (10-25, 99 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT)
RB - Chris Perry, CIN (37 yards, 1 fumble lost)
WR - Drew Bennett, STL (1 catch, 4 yards)
WR - Torry Holt, STL (1 catch, 9 yards)
TE - Todd Heap, BAL (1 catch, 5 yards and he fucking fumbled it)
DEF - St. Louis (38 points allowed vs. Philadelphia, I'm not so sure they even tackled anyone)

Monday Night Pick
Hooray a twofer on Monday night!
Pick One: Packers (-2.5) over Vikings
Pick Tw0: Broncos (-3.0) over Raiders

Get off the field! You're being selfish!

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Wild Card Weekend

What, its Wednesday you say? Who cares. As Mel says, its vodka-o-clock somewhere. The best thing about Wild Card Weekend has to be the fact that we didn't have to see the Cowboys, Packers, Colts, or Pats. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted since we have a Cowboys/Giants matchup this weekend to bore the country to tears.


Seattle 35
Washington 14
This game was so bad for Washington, it caused Joe Gibbs to quit. Or maybe it was that he's 142 yeard old...or that working for Dan Snyder is like hell on earth...whatever. The Redskins did absolutely nothing for the entire first half. Then they came back and actually took the lead in the 3rd quarter before Todd Collins decided to remind everyone why he isn't a starting quarterback in the NFL by throwing a pick right to some no-name Seattle defender. The Seahawks rolled and put up 22 straight points.

Jacksonville 31
Pittsburgh 29
Let me preface this by saying I hate both these teams and couldn't bear to watch this game. The TMS Super Sim Tecmo Wii 2003 2.0 nearly nailed this one. It had the Jags winning 31-28 I think. How did the Jags give up 29 points to a Willie Parker-less Pittsburgh team? Ben Sixdollarburger must have had a good game. Nah, he threw three interceptions. The Jags just aren't as good as you think they are.

NY Giants 24
Tampa Bay 14
Why must every Giants broadcast be three hours of As the Eli Turns? Every thing Eli does is scrutinized and discussed in nauseating detail. Lets be honest, the Giants aren't in the playoffs because of Eli. He blows. They have a nasty defense that has carried them this year. There isn't much to say about this game. It was boring. I can't even think of a Jeff Garcia gay joke, so I'll just close by saying he likes men.

San Diego 17
Tennessee 6
Good thing Tennessee made the playoffs instead of Cleveland. I mean, they were able to make a game of it for 30 minutes before the Chargers defense decided it was time to kill Vince Young. I will say this, they successfully shut down LT, but that only led to the embarassment of having Phillip Rivers beat them. Congrats to Norv, who has now done something Marty Schottenheimer couldn't do...win a playoff game.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Phillip Rivers (292 YDS 1 TD)
RB - vacant
WR - Hines Ward (10 Catches 135 YDS)
WR - Vincent Jackson (114 YDS 1 TD)
TE - vacant
DEF - San Diego (3 sacks, 1 INT, 6 points allowed)

*Running backs and tight ends did NOTHING this week.

The Flaming Bag Team
Known as Hellman's east of the Rockies.

Camilla Parker Bowles: What a hag.

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 17

Ah, Week 17. Wrecking Fantasy Football seasons since the advent of the 16 game schedule. On a positive note, it's the one time each year when Jim Sorgi calls his parents and says, 'Hey ma, I'm gonna play this week. Could you tape it on the VCR? I'm scared.'

Tennessee 16
Indianapolis 10
Only Jesus H. Christ himself can explain how the Titans made the playoffs. The Titans win the coveted award for 'Least Impressive Team to Squeak Into the Playoffs that Scares No One.' The only scary thing about the Titans was after the game, seeing Kerry Collins with his helmet off. He just looked old and drunk. Well, not so much 'looked' as 'is' and 'was'.

Houston 42
Jacksonville 28
Don't be deceived by the score. Jacksonville recalled a bunch of the strike players from 1987 and then filled in their roster with extras from the Keanu Reeves vehicle 'The Replacements'. The fact that this rag tag gang of misfits scored 28 points should be commended and then made into a Disney movie, starring The Rock and Dennis Quaid.

New England 38
New York Football Giants 35
Hmm...I haven't heard much about this game. Didn't even know it was on. Since both teams really had nothing to play for I imagine that it wasn't of much interest to the general populace. I didn't check the box score, but judging from the score any fantasy owner shrewd enough to pick up Matt Cassel or Jared Lorenzon reaped the benefits of this one!

Philadelphia 17
Buffalo 9
This very well may have been Donvan McNabb's last game in Philly. Thus proving, once and for all, that everyone in Philadelphia is racist.

Chicago 33
New Orleans 25
New Orleans was hit by the most devastating storm since Katrina. Hurricane Orton. Any Bears fan who thinks Orton is the 'answer' for next year gets a 5 minute 'whisker rub' from Orton's neckbeard. Note to Drew Brees: Can you do something about that birth mark? I don't like looking at it anymore. Who are you, Cindy Crawford?

Green Bay 34
Detroit 13
Remember when the Lions were good? Neither do I. Jon Kitna was sacked 51 times this year. How is that possible? Unacceptable. Go back to being the Bengals backup where you belong. You're an embarrassment to your team, your family, and most importantly, the Lord. In other news, Terry Bradshaw made love to Bret Favre in the communal showers after the game.

Atlanta 44
Seattle 41
For the second straight week the Falcons put a ton of points on the board. Chris Redman is the poor man's Todd Collins. Seneca Wallace got into the game for the Seahags, making it two Iowa State QB's to see action this week. Take that unknown Iowa Hawkeye QB coach! I was so happy to see the Falcons finally get a win that I celebrated by going to a dogfight.

Cleveland 20
San Francisco 7
I would have loved to see the Browns make the playoffs over the Titans, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, or so Jon Kitna tells me. Chris Weinke played for the 49ers. That's not a typo. (Shooting self in wiener)

Cincinatti 38
Miami 25
There was a great shot of Parcells in the pressbox during the game and you could tell he was thinking, 'What the fuck did I get myself into?' Helllllloooooo tainted legacy! Is it just me, or watching some of the Bengals players do you get the distinct impression that they're big into gangbangs and anal sex?

Carolina 30
Tampa Bay 27
Vinnie Testeverde retired. Uh huh. So did Jay Z. And KISS. And Rickey Henderson. See ya next year Vincent! Tampa Bay. By far the most blah team to make the playoffs. Hard to see anyone outside of Tampa (or in Tampa for that matter) giving a damn.

Denver 22
Minnesota 19
The Vikings need a QB. Just put 11 guys in the box to stop Peterson and make Tarvaris Jackson beat you. Which is what the Broncos did. Finally, someone has a blueprint to beat the Vikings! Jay Cutler, on the other hand, still looks like he might have Down Syndrome. And could someone please get some sun for Mike Shanahan? He needs sun, STAT!

Arizona 48
St. Louis 19
The Cards win their first game since Nam' that doesn't go down to the wire, and for the first time all year I leave the bar with clean underpants. Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league not named Moss. Kurt Warner? Still better than Marc Bulger. And Eli Manning. And Matt Leinart....

Baltimore 27
Pittsburgh 21
Too late to save your job Billick. Funniest label ever? Brian Billick being called an 'offensive genius'. Huh? Even when the Ravens were good they had a horrible offense. I'm confused and slightly aroused. Pittsburgh started Jason Bay at QB.

San Diego 30
Oakland 17
Is it too early to start calling Jamarcus Russell the second coming of Akili Smith? Probably. It would be racist too. Norv Turner: 'Offensive Genius'.

New York Jets 23
Kansas City Chiefs 3
This game was so boring that I fell asleep numerous times just typing this sentence. It took me 3 days to write that. I'm not sure who plays for either team or if they are in any way affiliated with the rest of the league.

Washington 27
Dallas 6
Was Jessica Simpson at this game? The revitalized Redskins won by 21, Sean Taylor's jersey number. The memory of Sean Taylor will inspire the Skins to a first round victory over the Seahags. Said memory will also cure cancer, direct traffic outside of the stadium and cook a mean pot of chili.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (356 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Pierre Thomas, NO (105 yds rushing, 121 receiving)
WR - Larry Fitzgerald, ARI (11 catches, 171 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Ocho Cinco, CIN (131 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Alge Crumpler, IND (3 catches, 67 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Arizona (19 points allowed, 3 sacks, 2 INT returns)


The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

Matt Millen - DET - Ha Ha, look at you! You're a league-wide joke. Nice collapse a-hole. (Farting)