TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Washington Nationals

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series. Except Muldoon is a shiftless layabout, even by Saloon standards. So this one is kind of out of order. If we gave unreasonable hope to any Nationals fans, at least that would be a confirmation that they exist. 

Today, we cast our gaze to the nation's capitol to try and figure out where that burning garbage smell is coming from.

2015 Finish: 83-79, 2nd in NL East

So Long: Ian Desmond, Doug Fister, Nate McLouth, Casey Janssen, Denard Span, Dan Uggla, Jordan Zimmermann, Yunel Escobar, Drew Storen

Welcome: Chris Heisey, Yusmeiro Petit, Stephen Drew, Daniel Murphy, Ben Revere, Bronson Arroyo

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ben Revere. OF
2. Anthony Rendon, 3B
3. Bryce Harper, OF
4. Ryan Zimmerman, 3B
5. Daniel Murphy, 2B
6. Jayson Werth, OF
7. Danny Espinoza, SS
8. Wilson Ramos, C

Starting Rotation
1. Max Scherzer
2. Stephen Strasburg
3. Gio Gonzalez
4. Joe Ross
5. Tanner Roark

Bullpen
Oliver Perez, Burke Badenhop, Blake Treinen, Assorted Bits and Pieces

Closer
Dickface Papelbon

Rap Lyric: "Yep listening to nothing, taking no suggestions/Or destructive criticisms, that can't improve on perfection"

- MF Doom, "The Drop"

This incredibly talented team had a nightmare 2015 that would probably give Cubs fans pause if not for the smooth, sensual vibe of Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo Maddon. They had a lot of hitting, a lot of pitching, and a vulnerable division. They proceeded to trade for Sentient Prostate Cancer to close out games, drop a whole bunch of games to New York (eh) and Miami (yikes), and miss out on the playoffs in what was loudly proclaimed Their Year. They went 35-40 after the ASB, the closer everyone warned them would be locker room cancer decided to try and choke out their only bright spot, and Washington fans started eyeing the exits to go back into 2005-2011 cryosleep.

So how do you salvage this talented mess? Dusty Baker! TMS actually obtained some exclusive footage from the executive suite moments after the call was made to hire Dusty as the new skipper:

"Can't take too many walks. It clogs up the bases. NATITUDE!"

Reason to Watch: Bryce Harper. Baseball's maybe the only place in life where I could stand more self-regarding youth wrecking up the place. Anything that makes desiccated old baseball writers drop their monocles into their prune-tinis is a-okay with Muldoon. I hope he hits a 700 foot home run, dances for six minutes, then burns a Joe DiMaggio jersey on home plate. Now that Sleeper Agent Papelbon failed to succeed in his Manchurian Candidate choke-assassination, none are safe from the mohawked barbarian tearing down the game's most hallowed unwritten rules. My prediction for 2015: he hits .400 and then smashes Ted Williams' frozen head with a Gallagher hammer at the press conference.

Reason to Drink: You know how on the earlier seasons of Mad Men, Freddy Rumsen degenerated from a respected account man to a guy who got fired for peeing his pants in front of a client one too many times? That's what's happening here, in extreme slow motion from 2012 until now.

The Fans: D.C.'s core baseball demographic is mostly made up of 23-year old kids making 19 grand a year to advise congressman and senators on matters of important public policy. I find that fucking terrifying, but my point is that people come into this town with pre-formed allegiances to other teams. Hell, there's a sizable Orioles contingent in the district, and that team's a sadness factory. Joining the Tiny Legislative Children is the super-rich (lawyers, lobbyists, lawyerbists), who give even less of a shit. The remainder is people who want to glom onto a team that might win something, but that's hardly unique to the District.

Give us a couple years of Dustyball and we can probably downgrade this section to "The Fans (Tim, Carol, Reggie, and Ben With the Lazy Eye)."

Worst Contract: There's $21 million going to Methuselah Werth. There's a very good chance that they end up paying him $2 million per homer this year, with a million left over for looking like the lost Avett Brother.

After this year, Bryce Harper is going to cost far, far more than $5 million, and there's a $42 million per year Max Scherzer Bomb waiting in the wings for when the 2019-2021 years when he starts to age and pitch like Expensive Jason Marquis. Should be fun!

Fantasy Standout: BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. BRO-ICE. HAR-PER. CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP.

Let's bong some Mountain Dew Kickstart and punch a police horse.

Fantasy Bust: Did anyone remember to oil Strasburg before it started raining? No? Did you at least throw a tarp over him? Well, shit.

Pop Culture Equivalent: Rome. The end of it, when stuff was on fire and Emperor Nero was playing a fiddle song about how The Big Red Machine could beat any of these showboat sissy-boy teams. ON-BASE PERCENTAGE DON'T WIN BASEBALL, GEEKS!

Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 4

Welcome back for Part 4 of our in-depth reporting on this year's March Madness underdogs. We've hit every seed from 12 to 14, and now we're at the very bottom rung of reasonable hope - the 15s. While the other underdogs profiled come into the tournament with their backs against the wall, it's not a gigantic shocker if and when they pull off the upset. Meanwhile, the 16 seeds, for all they contribute to the tournament, may as well be a bunch of old Nick Anderson posters grudgingly dragged up from a moldy basement and taped to the arena floor. 

But the 15 seeds ... each game is terror, and each triumph is magic. It doesn't happen often (7 wins against 117 losses), but when it happens, it's like finding a beautiful rainbow that decapitates your annoying neighbor. Never has the phrase "HAHA, LOOK AT THOSE ASSHOLES!" been more apt than watching 1997 South Carolina (Coppin State!), 2012 Duke (Lehigh), or 2013 Georgetown (Florida Gulf Coast University and Air Conditioning Repair School) melt off the court in a puddle of pure grief. The very existence of these upsets creates a thick, black, viscous bile of cynical delight within my gallbladder. I'm told it can melt steel beams.

Do any of this year's Hedge Knights of Borderline Ineptitude have what it takes? Let's find out.

UNC-Asheville

Where the Fuck is This?
Asheville, NC. A perfectly cromulent little mountain burg where I used to go watch the Avett Brothers play for five bucks. This was years before everyone in Brooklyn started dressing like them. Good barbecue, good beer, great town. I don't care to find out what conference they're in. Let's say the Synthesis League.

1. Nickname - The Bulldogs. I will pay them $29 to change it to the Bulldops, though. Until then, D+.

2. Notable Alumni -Topper Shutt, which is either a meteorologist or a porn star. Again, I'm not opening more tabs than I have to.

Also, "alumni" is a plural group of people who have graduated from an institution. An "alumnus" (male), "alumna" (female), or "alum" (colloquial, either sex) is a singular graduate. So let's add a second ... oh. There isn't one. I guess we'll see you next time on Shooter's No-Fun Grammar Circus. D-

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Black bears, which are really just the spinach wraps of the bear community. C-

4. Resume Prestige - You know how colleges will trumpet the bullshit sub-sub-regional rankings from some obscure U.S. News and World Report category? Like how West Nevada A&M is 8th in International Diplomacy or something? Well, UNC Asheville's page lists its 2012 reaffirmation of certification as one of the president's major achievements. D

5. Proximity to my House - 654 miles, which isn't terrible so long as I'm planning on visiting restaurants and breweries rather than the sad safety schools of the Carolinas. C

6. Name Brevity - It's brev-ish. C+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 2,134. B+

Final GPA: 1.76

Weber State

Where the Fuck is This?
Located in scenic, pastoral Ogden, Weber. It's the flagship research institution of the state of Weber.

1. Nickname - The Wildcats. Come on, man. At least change the Create-A-Team settings from the default. D-

2. Notable Alumni - NBA coaching great Dick Motta. If you knew how long I skimmed his page trying to figure out if he was Thad Matta's father, you'd throw rotten fruit at me in passing. D+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - The great state of Weber is teeming with bear, polar, grizzly, and hirsute male-identifying homosexual alike. A

4. Resume Prestige - I've heard people brag about the most asinine stuff. I've never heard someone brag about graduating from an institution in Uta ... uh, Weber. C

5. Proximity to my House - To reach the land of Weber, you need only open your heart. A-

6. Name Brevity - WEH-BURR WILD-CATS! (clap clap clapclapclap) A-

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 4,300 feet. Good show! A

Final GPA: 2.77

CSU Bakersfield

Where the Fuck is This?
Bakersfield, dummy. They play in the WAC, which is the color beige in sports form.

1. Nickname - The Roadrunners. This is one of those nicknames that your bog-standard community college would consider beneath them. Maybe it has something to do with the local fauna. I don't care. You couldn't pay me to give a shit about CSU Bakersfield. D

2. Notable Alumni - Big Poppa E, professional slam poet. Take a long hard look at yourself, Wikipedia administrator.

Not a stock photo. 

Also, MMA fighter and noted woman-puncher Tito Ortiz rassled for them as a benchwarmer. I don't know if he graduated, and I'm not doing the detective work to find out. This school has only been around since 1965, and I can only conclude that it's spent most of that time functioning as the gross pool filter of the California educational system. D-

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - No bears. Maybe black bears. Or the road runners killed them. D-

4. Resume Prestige - NOPE. D

5. Proximity to my House - 2,039 miles. To get to Bakersfield. F

6. Name Brevity - I demand further brevity. D

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 404. Elevation not found. INTERNET BURN. F

Final GPA: 0.63 (Luckily, that will still get you a CSU Bakersfield degree)

Middle Tennessee

Where the Fuck is This?
Murfreesboro, Tennessee. My cousin went to undergrad there, and once they filmed at episode of Bar Rescue at this shitty place near campus. These are the only two historical events depicted on the town seal. This school became pretty big (22,000 students in the middle of nowhere) after The University of Tennessee instituted lottery scholarships and you couldn't write "don't math good" in place of your SAT score anymore. They play in the Chumbawamba League or something.

1. Nickname - The Blue Raiders. Like the regular Raiders, except their fans have slightly more education and a comparable amount of teeth. B

2. Notable Alumni - Al Gore. Senior, though. Don't get too excited. Also they've produced two Nobel Laureates and a Nashville mayor named Bill Boner. TEE HEE! B+

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - So yadda yadda not a whole lot of Bears (maybe black bears), let's get back to Boner. He once appeared on the Phil Donahue Show with a "singer" (every woman with a decent ego in Nashville thinks they are) he was engaged to. Except he was still married to his third wife at the time. So Boner plays harmonica and she sings "Rocky Top." They got married and divorced afterward, and eventually he left politics and started teaching driver's ed in the suburbs. He's now retired and married to his fifth wife.

I have no idea why he was on the show. I really do love the state of Tennessee. A-

4. Resume Prestige - They've got a degree in Concrete Industry Management. I think my cousin majored in Horses. She likes horses and stuff. C

5. Proximity to my House - 514 miles. I guess at least it's single digits. C

6. Name Brevity - I've never met a soul who insisted on calling it anything but MTSU. Like the full name was a little presumptuous. Or maybe that's how they root out City Folk. B-

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 619 feet. D+

Final GPA: 2.57

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Milwaukee Brewers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current last week's Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today it's time to tailgate outside general indifference with the Milwaukee Brewers.



2015 Finish: 68-94 (4th in NL Central)

So Long
Kyle Lohse, Francisco Rodriguez, Adam Lind, Khris Davis, Jean Segura, Whole Bunch of Nobodies

Welcome
Chris Carter, Chris Capuano, Eric Young, Will Middlebrooks, Different Bunch of Nobodies (and Kirk Neiuwenhuis)

Projected Lineup (via rotochamp.com)
Scooter Gennett 2B
Jonathan Lucroy C
Ryan Braun RF (injured)
Chris Carter 1B
Aaron Hill 3B
Domingo Santana LF
Jonathan Villar SS
Shane Peterson CF (this is a weird projection)

Starting Rotation
Matt Garza
Wily Peralta
Jimmy Nelson
Taylor Jungmann
Zach Davies

Setup
Jeremy Jeffress

Closer
Will Smith



Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season

"Is being cool that cool? Is being a tool that much of a tool?"
- Chance the Rapper, "Wanna Be Cool"

The 2015 NL Central was a historically great division, with the Cubs, Pirates, and Trash Birds all sniffing around the 100-win mark. And they all got there by spending a good chunk of the season cleat-stepping on the asthmatic fat kids in Milwaukee and Cincy. In what resembled the world's saddest game of junior high dodgeball, the Brewers went a combined 11-28 against the Cubs and Cards. Luckily, no one in Wisconsin was paying attention.

Look, this team sucks, and it's going to suck for some time. It's a tiny, disinterested market where Marquette Basketball is far and away more popular. They're overshadowed even by the Twins and the White Sox, which is a hell of a trick to pull. They lost a bunch of semi-useful guys, and they brought in a bumper crop of slightly-less-useful guys. Theoretically the minor leagues are better, but we won't have reason to care about that for a couple of years at least. Instead, let's talk about what annoys me about the Brewers:

- They got ONE (1) playoff season out of the Gallardo/Fielder/Braun prime years. Yet their fat mouth-breathing fans got a dynasty's worth of shitty, obnoxious behavior from it. Just fat guy after fat guy showing up at Wrigley in Braun jerseys with the tags still attached, yapping about how overrated the Cubs were. They wore Badgers hats but went to UW-Whitewater. They professed love of MMA but had visible man boobs. You could profile them sure as a face-wearing serial killer, and they all deserved the same punishment.

- I hold an unreasonable amount of animus toward Ben Sheets to this day. After I write this, I'm gonna go egg the Dairy Queen he manages in New Berlin.

- They abandoned County Stadium, which perfectly represented the franchise (shitty, old, somewhat charming in its irrelevance) and built a brand-new retractable roof stadium with all the charm of a male fertility clinic. Even with the roof open, you feel like you're stuck in Schaumburg watching a mall demonstration of baseball.

- As part of that move, Bernie Brewer could no longer slide into a stein of beer after home runs. That was a perfect representation of the region - vaguely Bavarian good times. But god forbid we acknowledge what brewing is, or have to talk to our kids about beer. Now Bernie and his rictus smile joylessly descend a cheap slide that goes nowhere, like a kid whose mother drank too much mouthwash during pregnancy. And what's more, I'm just now realizing that this is a much better representation of metro Milwaukee. Carry on.

- There are two ways to park at the stadium. And you'll be driving, because a) Milwaukee is an oasis of decaying nightmares and b) the park's in the middle of nowhere anyhow. The cheap parking option puts you on gravel lots a short walk away from the stadium over a bridge. Traffic's a nightmare going out. The VIP option puts you on asphalt right next to the park, and you're basically in and out, no matter when you leave the game. The price differential the last time I was there was $4. That is the line between the haves and the have-nots among Brewers fans. If you really want a pleasant tailgate experience and easy exit, I say go ahead and pull some overtime at the sweatpants factory. You'll thank me later.

- Imagine how fat and gross you have to be for Chicago fans to call you fat and gross. Yet here we are.

- We make better sausages in Chicago. Fight me.

Reason to Watch: This is basically a triple-A team with Ryan Braun along for the ride. If you're watching this, then congrats on selling the most pre-owned vehicles at Waukesha County Hyundai during the month of June. You really need to talk to your sales manager about the terrible incentive program he's running.

Reason to Drink: You're in Wisconsin - a gorgeous state filled with amazing scenery, fantastic craft beer, and delicious food. You could be anywhere, doing anything, and you're stuck chasing a foodservice-grade bratwurst with sips of lukewarm Miller Lite from a plastic cup. Might as well get full-hog drunk and see if you can call one of the city's six Ubers to take you home.




The Fans: You know that guy/gal from your hometown who is weirdly, obnoxiously prideful of their "accomplishments"? Fill the stands with them. Then bomb the stands.

"Oh, you're in your last year of residency at Harvard? Boston's a ripoff man. No big deal or anything, but I'm about to be promoted to assistant manager at a little Fortune 500 company called JIFFY LUBE."

(cranks Drowning Pool album)

(dies slowly each day)

Too many Brewers fans would be intolerable. But our good friend entropy keeps their numbers pretty low.

Their Worst Contract: Ryan Braun is going to cost $7 million more this year than his 3.8 WAR season last year. That's eating half of a sandwich you don't like that much, then deciding to finish it anyway, except the other half is filled with BEES.

Fantasy Standout: I bet you can get your mitts on Braun for pretty cheap. It's like riding a bike with a slow leak in the tire. How far can it take me? Will the value outlast the risk? Why does everyone keep telling me they want to punch my bike in the face?


Fantasy Bust: Domingo Santana has some theoretical potential, and should see some decent at-bats with Khris Davis gone. On the other hand, he has to show up and play every day in front of people who buy their groceries at K-Mart and have Bob Uecker as their greatest living legend.

Uecker is still alive, right?

The Pop Culture Equivalent to This Team Is: A "Very Special Episode" of Roseanne. It's lower-middle class, there's not much hope on the horizon, and it's too close to home for comfort. Let's see what's on Netflix instead.

Cubs of Yore: David Patton

Ron Weasley: Nervous pitcher

Name: David Christopher Patton

Nicknames: Powder, O-Face, Jake's Stunt Double

Media Guide Year: 2009

Acquired: From the Reds for cash considerations the same day they picked him up in the Rule V draft in 2008. JIM HENDRY: DEALMAKER

Random Write-Up: David Patton was a Rule V guy who had an impressive Spring Training once upon a time. The Cubs, one playoff collapse removed from being perhaps the best team in baseball, were slated to contend for the pennant. It follows, then, that they would spend the majority of the year keeping a roster spot for a guy who had gone 4-5 in for the single-A Modesto Nuts the previous season. Right? Congratulations, you're Jim Hendry!

It became apparent fairly soon that the man was as overmatched as he was hairless, culminating in a Saturday relief appearance against the Cardinals in May 2009 that was so cartoonishly brutal it should have been the first act of an underdog Disney baseball movie. Subbing in for Sean Marshall with the Cubs down 3-1 against the hated rivals in St. Louis, our man gave up a single and proceeded to walk the bases full for Albert Pujols, who has been known to do some clutch hitting in his time. With the bases loaded and the meth-mouthed rabble of Busch stadium as far toward the edge of their seats as their fat fucking asses will allow, Mr. Patton throws a fastball down the middle to the best hitter in baseball. Game. Fucking. Over. Final score 8-2, Cards.

In 27.2 relief innings that year, the man we had to hang on to, lest he be scooped by an enterprising rival, managed a 1.807 WHIP and an ERA north of 6. He got "injured" and placed on the DL after the deadline had passed for the Cubs to hang on to him. Jim Hendry was said to have been seen tenting his fingers and laughing at a plate of chicken nachos later that evening. He need not have bothered. One crappy season in Daytona later, he was cut loose for good. He presumably wanders the central plains now, righting wrongs and teaching Mormon women about kung-fu love.

At least he got a cool $400,000 for his trouble, and a minor spot in the Cubs team history. Better than I can say. Of course, I never had Albert Pujols crush my soul either.

Also of Note: Over a thousand people have watched this video of him throwing a routine bullpen session in 2009. This makes me far more depressed and disappointed in the Internet than all but the darkest German scat porn found in the dank FTP basements of the web's underbelly. 

Cubs of Yore: Jose Macias

As a legitimate blogger who posts nearly weekly, I've made it a habit during my adult life to pick up a crisp, new Official Chicago Cubs Media Guide at the beginning of every year. No, I don't know why either. But now I find myself with a stack of these, and thus am able to throw myself down the rabbit hole of the Cubs careers that never were.

Name: Jose Prado Salazar Macias

Nickname(s): Joze Mackey, Now Pinch-Hitting, That Guy - What's His Name I Can Never Remember

Media Guide Year: 2004

Position: 3B/OF

Acquired: Traded from Montreal for Wilton Chavez, who has pitched for 14 different minor league teams, if you count the Mexican League.

Random Write-Up: Born in Panama City, Panama, a hardscrabble metropolis notable mostly for its vicious dancefighting culture.

Signed in 1992 by Montreal, which used to be a franchise that existed. Not many people saw them, though. Played in Montreal's minor league system from 1994 until 1997, when he was went to Detroit as a Rule 5 draft. Finally made the majors in 1999, where he was a lifetime .256 switch hitter with 26 home runs and 173 RBI. Came to the Cubs in 2004 and played two years as "that guy," then went to the Nippon-Hokkaido Ham Fighters, and the Diablo Rojos of the Mexican League a couple years after that.

Notice anything? Bland. He's perhaps the blandest of the mid-2000s Cubs, which is saying something. He makes Daryle Ward look like Mark Grace in terms of charisma. If he were white, I'd call him Whitebread, but I'll stay away from baking terms, as Brownbread sounds pretty racist.

Also of Note: He was at Wrigley on June 6, 2004, helping Greg Maddux win his 5th game of that year, back when we were a trendy World Series pick and LaTroy Hawkins was a name that people on the North Side hadn't yet begun to despise. It was also the first game at Wrigley where I enjoyed a wax paper cup of Old Style. I ... may or may not have been 20 years old at the time. It's where I got this media guide I inexplicably hang on to!

You May Remember Him From: You won't remember Jose Macias. But you all remember the concept of Jose Macias in your Cubs fan hearts.

Renaming Wrigley

Thanks to an idiot with diarrhea-mouth over at the Wall Street Journal, we've had yet another round of "Well, maybe we should tear down Wrigley"/"No, but maybe you're a fucking idiot" that in no way has become tiresome and idiotic. In no way at all.

But I will admit that as much as I think people who want to abandon ship for a bland, new-construction job are stupid, I don't at all mind new advertising or anything that would help build a Series-worthy team. Hell, I really like the new scoreboard that went up over the offseason, because the Bleacher Boxes were stupid, and so was the Family Seating section incarnation before that. I'd imagine most reasonable Cubs fans acknowledge that it'd be great to win a series, baseball has always been a business big on sponsorship, and that it's a great ballpark - a legendary ballpark - but once you start whispering that it's a cathedral, you need to take a fucking knee. It's baseball - you're not supposed to use your library voice when you're holding an Old Style.

So what level of sponsorship would you accept for a contender? A conversation among the bartenders envisioned a newly-renovated and thoroughly modern Wrigley Field, with one small compromise to modernity - sponsorship. Namely, this:

 Oh, and we even thought of slogans. Credit attributed to the appropriately juvenile bartenders:

Lingering Bursitis

"Tampax Field - Built for comfort."

 "Tampax Field - Home of the most absorbent outfield in MLB." 

"Tampax Field - We screen "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" on the jumbotron between innings." 

"Tampax Field - No, you don't look fat in this baseball stadium."

Muldoon

"Tampax Field - Where you can play baseball! Or go swimming, or horseback riding, or play tennis ..." 

"Tampax Field - Where all the elevators are like that one from The Shining."

"Tampax Field - Where the Cubs keep up a heavy flow ... of WINS!"

"Tampax Field - A cardboard applicator full of family fun!"

"Tampax Field - Are you really going to trust your white pants to Store Brand Field?"

Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

"Tampax Field - This isn't a good week."

"Tampax Field - Stay too long and you'll get toxic shock syndrome."

"Tampax Field - Because fairweather fans bleed Cubbie Blue periodically."

Mr. Funk

"Tampax Field - Where We Bleed Cubbie Blue (liquid)"

"Tampax Field - Where it's not 'hormones,' it's 'steroid rage!'"

Arcturus

"Tampax Field - Now with wings!"