The Iowa Hawkeyes Finally Lose

Doesn't the James Vandenberg Era look exciting?!?!

Iowa vs. Northern Illinois @ Soldier Field, 09/01/07

Here at TMS we are nothing without our timely articles and insight. That said, here is a little ditty from the Iowa-Northern Illinois game last Saturday, September 1st. Next up, a post on my thoughts about the Cubs clinching the Central in 2003.

Unlike my last event recap, I will spare you all the indignity of having to read a rambling 15 minute introduction that clearly has nothing really to do with the actual post. So without further ado, I give to you the game recap, courtesy of Chaim and The Hundley, fueled by Old Style.

The Trip Up:

The Hundley: Blazing out of work early on Friday, it was clear that this was going to be a big weekend. After we got onto I-88 outside of Silvis, IL, it was already congested. And this stretch of 88 usually has tumbleweeds blowing across the road until you hit Annie Glidden Road and the Oasis. The traffic was made up of an insane amount of mini-vans and SUV’s that were sporting either the Iowa car flag or Hawkeye decals.

Chaim: The in-laws made their way over from the Hawkeye State to the Windy City on Friday night. After toasting a few cans of the barley and hops in their Congress Hotel suite, we made our way to the Hawkeye Huddle at Navy Pier. As you would imagine, the 'huddle' consisted of a lot of amped up middle-agers in Hawkeye gear, gathered together to pay Chicago prices for beer and listen to the Iowa marching band and a excitable MC that sounded like Tom Arnold. It was official. The State of Iowa had officially invaded it's neighbor to the west. But these invaders were peace-loving folk who enjoy domestic beer, tenderloins and classic rock.

Gameday Morning:

The Hundley: Maybe I misspelled that. It could have just as easily been spelled mourning, as in my liver felt as if it were on strike from the chicanery of the previous night’s exploits. Scotch + cocaine + Twister + naked minstrels + two hours sleep = ugh*. We left Wrigleyville after picking up some beers and caught a cab to Soldier. The only thing that could revive me was a Vitamin Water, some Doritos, and the last remaining cigarette from the previous night’s pack, which unbelievably still smoked in it’s French fry-like shape.

Chaim: We drank more than anticipated at the Huddle and took the party with us to Exchequer. You know a restaurant is old school (esp. by Chicago standards) when your waitress is a sassy ole bluehair and one of your side dishes is a unanticipated cranberry gelatin mold. I was feeling the after effects in the morning...whether it was the beer or gelatin, one can't be sure. Regardless, nothing a little hair of the dog wouldn't cure. I'm sounding more like a hopeless alcoholic every day.

Tailgating:

The Hundley: The geniuses that be the Chicago Police decided that people taking public transportation should get dropped off 5 miles from the stadium. Hey, what do I know? As I was regaining motor skills and cognitive thinking abilities, I noticed that 99 out of every 100 people were wearing a yellow t-shirt. A home game for us, indeed. The South Lots of Soldier looked like the scene from The Ten Commandments where the zealots are worshiping the Golden Calf. Iowa flags, Iowa windsocks, Iowa “bag-o” boards, stereos blasting the Iowa Fight Song...it was unreal. Out of the blue I’m seeing random people I’ve done work for, went to college with, old neighbors, everything. 'Unbelievable' is a good word to describe it. Perhaps because of the somewhat confined space it seemed crazier than the tailgating I remember from my college days in Iowa City.

After wandering around like a pack of choads carrying opened 12 packs of beer, we made it a mission to find our friends and hopefully take a piss. Cell phone use was sporadic at best, but I guess that happens when you have 40,000 people simultaneously trying to call one another. After finally finding our group, we lucked out in getting the beers on ice, but the lack of pissing was getting to be a problem. People were everywhere in the line of sight, and with all the alcohol consumption going on, this wouldn’t be a ‘splash ‘n go’ type pitstop. Luckily, some 16oz plastics cups were provided for the male relief, though many pisses ventured into the realm of the two cup pisses, prompting movie lines like “I can’t stop once I start, it stings!”

For the gals, they were not so lucky. After waiting in line at the Port-o-Potties for over ½ an hour without the line decreasing, extreme measures had to be taken. Being that they were there with wide-shouldered men such as we are, we stood guard while the ladies pissed between cars. If you think that is coarse and vulgar, would you rather it be in pants? (Talk to Chaim ‘bout that) Rumors have since swirled that the unbelievably few number of Port-o-Potties were actually OVERFLOWING and people still continued to use them. Mardi Gras hits Chicago!

Chaim: Not having the equipment or wherewithal to do justice to a proper 'tailgate' (and not wanting to endure the headache of driving) we decide to tailgate on the sly. Our ghetto tailgating consisted of stopping at a nearby liquor store and picking up some Old Style and a large bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. Bad ass. We staked out a prime people-watching stop in the South Lot and slugged down some warm beer whilst leaning up against a slab of hot concrete. I hadn't actually tailgated or even been to a big time college game in years. Being a solid 7 years removed from my higher education, I forgot how crazy that it can get. Also, as much as love my alma mater, Northern Iowa, the tailgating scene there is pretty timid. Not having any pro teams, the Hawkeyes are 'it' for the whole state. It doesn't matter if you went there or not. (You need not even have your GED.) The Hawkeyes have a bandwagon, nay industrial size John Deere combine, that is made of steel and is large enough to accommodate all of the huddled masses.

One thing I notice is the prevalence of that bean bag game. I don't remember it being that big 'back in the day', but now, walking around the parking lot you spend half your time navigating around all of the makeshift bean bag contraptions. Amazing how such a simple game can make so many people happy. I suppose the real reason for it's popularity lies in the fact that it is easy to play and keep score even when you are really, really drunk.

The Game:

The Hundley: Nothing sobers a guy up like $7 beers that you wait 30 minutes for. Yeesh. When we finally hit our seats in the North Endzone (300 level), two things stood out. One, Iowa was not already killing NIU, and two, there was no shade to be had. Initially the people two rows behind us were able to escape Helios’ wrath, but soon they would be enveloped by it as well. Even with a visor, sunglasses, and some sunscreen, that bastard was still oppressive. Coupled with the fact that Iowa couldn’t sustain much in the way of the pass, it made for a long, boring game. A blonde seated two rows in front of us who looked like she played our game of coked-up twister, was passed out and drooling all while getting a nice burn. Small moments like these made me forget how miserable I was. Sweating, burning, hungover with a headache, I was happy when we finally started running the ball with vengeance and managed to win by double digits.

Chaim: We were sitting in the 400 section, Northwest side. Not exactly field level, but really they weren't too shabby and provided a great view of the lake. As The Hundley mentioned, it was $7 for a beer. Wow. That said, the price tag, while serving as a solid topic for us to bitch about, did not deter any of us from actually paying that price multiple times. Since this game was at Soldier Field, a pro stadium, the normal college rule of 'no alcohol in the stadium' was out the window. For those that can hold their liquor (I don't necessarily put myself in this category) that is a good thing...but for the thousands of undergrads, underage and just plain over-served this proved to be a death knell as evidenced by the countless scenes of carnage. Coeds strewn about, their eyes rolled back, their limbs splayed every which way. Oh college. The best line I heard all weekend came from the group of about a half dozen underage blonds sitting directly behind us, one of which drunkenly and quite disgustedly lamented as they sat down, "Ugggghhh....I think we're in the OLD PEOPLE section." This comment made me giddy until I came to the realization that I am now far enough removed from college that I am, in fact, one of those dreaded OLD PEOPLE.

The game itself? With a final score of 16-3, it wasn't exactly Arena Football, but a win is a win. The crowd's enthusiasm seemed to be a bit dampened by the unforgiving sun, and many of the revelers seemed to have peaked early in regards to their binge drinking. Good hard-nosed running games and stellar defense don't always make for the most exciting games, but it was enjoyable regardless and I was able to squeeze a few drunken high fives in with the father-in-law. As he would say, "Life is good."

The Aftermath:

The Hundley: Thank YHWH that the two guys I was traveling with had no grand ideas of further drinking. In what seemed like a 20 mile hike to catch the El, it was another 45 minutes on the construction riddled train ride to Wrigley. We all layed down to nap after we caught the Appalachian State highlights, circa 8:30pm. The next thing I knew it was 4:30am and everyone else was snoring while smelling of booze and burnt skin. Now, if I could just find some mutha flippin’ aloe…

Chaim: I think this pretty much sums it up. We are walking out of the stadium. A mass of black and gold, walking together as one. Well, almost walking together as one. There is one guy, early 50's, Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned, quite literally stumbling along by himself. Everyone is making a point to steer clear of this FOB**. And why? (In high pitched child's voice) "Mommy that guy pooped his pants." That's right folks. He pooped his pants. Or rather his khaki shorts. Do I need to go into further detail? I think not. There are some lines even I, Chaim Witz, refuse to cross. Let's just say that game was a real pants pooper.

*Might be embellished a scoash.

**FOB = Friend of Buzanis

I took this shot standing where I purchased my $7 beer because that beer reminded me of why I love this country.

This is a football field. Yay!

I kept cheering for Tavian Banks, but I don't think he heard me. So then I started cheering for Tyra Banks instead.

Tommy's boat, The Orifice Penetrator, sets sail outside of the stadium. Tommy didn't have time to attend the actual game.

I love this picture. Not wanting to be a total a-hole, I slyly set my camera on my shoulder and angled it to where I hoped they would be. Perfect. They were passed out before the end of the first quarter. Old people my ass.

The Drought is Over

Congrats to Adam Haluska, who became the first Iowa Hawkeye to be selected in the NBA Draft since J.R. Koch in 1999. Adam was taken in the second round by the New Orleans Hornets.

I'll need to go back and revise the stats in my Steve Alford War Criminal.

NBA draft picks in the Tom Davis Era: 12

NBA draft picks in the Steve Alford Era: 1

Nice job Steve! Oh wait, he wasn't even one of your recruits.

War Criminal: Steve Alford

Growing up, I was a huge Iowa Hawkeye basketball fan. My earliest memories are of those spectacular Hawkeye teams in the 80's with the likes of Roy Marble, Ed Horton, B.J. Armstrong, Brad Lohaus, Jeff Moe and such. The coach leading them was Dr. Tom Davis. The Hawks were perennial favorites in the Big Ten throughout Dr. Tom's tenure and he proved successful at getting his team into the tourney just about every year. But by the late 90's, some were beginning to grow tired of Dr. Tom. While the constant tourney bids were nice, the Hawks weren't getting beyond the second round and many felt that it was time for a change. So at the end of the 98/99 season, Iowa chose not to renew his contract.

Enter Steve Alford, Indiana legend and member of the Pat Riley Hair Club for Men. Alford was coming off a nice season at Southwest Missouri State where he led the Bears to a Sweet 16 appearance that year. There was a buzz of excitement in Iowa that hadn't been there in a while. Things were surely going to take a turn for the best, and when they opened their first game the following season with a 70-68 victory over the defending National Champion UConn Huskies, I was firmly on board the Alford train.

One problem. The train was heading the wrong direction.

That UConn win was the highest point, at least for me, during the entire Alford tenure at Iowa. As Hawk fans remember, that first season was pretty lousy as Iowa finished 14-16, their first losing season since 93/94. Things picked up in year two for Alford. Despite only a 7-9 conference record that season, the Hawkeyes ran the table in the Big Ten tourney and won the automatic bid, earning a 7 seed in the NCAA tournament. Iowa would win their first round game against 10 seed Creighton before losing to 2 seed Kentucky. This would be first and last time Alford's Hawkeyes would win an NCAA tourney game.

After that the wheels really started to come loose. In 2002, Iowa star player Pierre Pierce was charged with sexual assault. He ended up with what amounted to a slap on the hand from the law and when he only received essentially a red-shirt as punishment from the team, it was a slap in the face to the fans and the school. Many, wanting Pierce removed from the team completely were not happy and felt Alford's handling of the matter was piss poor at best. The integrity and class that Dr. Tom ran the Iowa program with had vanished. To make Alford and the school look even more foolish was that model-citizen Pierce would run into trouble with the law again in early 2005. This time he was being charged with a slew of crimes including sexual abuse, burglary, and false imprisonment. Alford dismissed his leading scorer from the team, a move that should've been done three years earlier. Pierce spent just under a year in prison and now has to register as a sex offender. Still under probation, a judge denied his request to leave the state to pursue an NBA career.

Not that Pierce made much of a difference anyway. The three years following their 2001 tourney appearance saw the Hawkeyes only able to earn bids to the NIT, which was rather unfamiliar territory for Hawk fans before Alford came to town. It wasn't even until the 03/04 season that Alford was able to put together a winning record in Big Ten play.

Somewhere between their lucky late season run in 2001, the Pierce debacle, and their return back to the tournament I had gone from rooting for Iowa to general indifference. With his pompous arrogance, and lackluster coaching to back it up, Steve Alford had essentially ruined a team I used to love. When they entered the 2006 tournament with a 3 seed and their best season yet under Alford, I not only didn't care, I openly cheered for Northwestern State and was happy to see them nail the buzzer-beater, bouncing the Hawkeyes in the first round. This past season I took pleasure in watching Iowa lose over and over again. Anything to get Al"fraud" out of Iowa was good to me. Shortly after the season ended, the news I was hoping for came. Alford was leaving for New Mexico.

Amazingly there are still folks out there that liked Alford as Iowa's coach. For those folks I offer you the following facts and stats.

• In 8 seasons Alford was 152-105 with Iowa (.591 winning percentage)

• In 13 seasons Davis was 269-140 with Iowa (.658 winning percentage)

• Alford had 3 NIT bids and 3 NCAA bids (winning only once in the NCAA tourney)

• Davis had 2 NIT bids and 9 NCAA bids (never losing a single first round game in the NCAA tourney)

• Alford had 3 seasons out of 8 with a .500 or better record in the Big Ten

• Davis had 11 seasons out of 13 with a .500 or better record in the Big Ten

• Number of NBA Draft Picks during Alford's tenure = 0

• Number of NBA Draft Picks during Davis' tenure = 12 (Brad Lohaus, Kevin Gamble, Jeff "The Vanilla Gorilla" Moe, B.J. Armstrong, Roy Marble, Ed Horton, Les Jepsen, Acie Earl, Russ Millard, Ricky Davis, Ryan Bowen, J.R. Koch)

To be fair with the draft picks, the rise in high school and international picks does play a little bit of a factor. But even Iowa State managed to have a few guys get drafted during Alford's time. The most he has to show for having a former Iowa player in the NBA is everyone's favorite nut-grabber, Reggie Evans.

So bring on the Todd Lickliter Era. It's been rough for me the last few years, but with this deserved war criminal finally exiled to Lobo country, I can finally end my self-imposed boycott of Iowa basketball and once again enjoy the team I grew up with.

Bartender Banter: We got 161 more of these folks...

Well yesterday's game was a disappointment. Ol' Chaz struggled out there, going only 5 innings, giving up 5 runs on 6 hits and 5 walks, including two moon shot home runs from Adam Dunn.

Thunder Matt accounted for the Cubs only run, which softens the blow of his 3 strikeouts a bit. Hopefully he'll look better at the plate tomorrow. Murton has hit pretty well against Cincy in the past and I'm getting anxious to throw another plaque up in the Trophy Room.

Speaking of Thunder Matt, it was revealed on Sunday, that he may be used at catcher if Lou finds himself in a real pinch this week. Hank White may miss a game to testify at the trial of his agent, which would mean Murton could be Barrett's backup while he's gone. The best part was Lou's comment on the matter.

"The only guy who's ever caught is Murton," said Piniella. "Hopefully, we won't have to use that adorable redhead at catcher."

Interesting choice of words there Lou.

Some Basketball News
What? Who cares about the Gators? I want to talk about the Hawkeyes. It appears that Todd Lickliter will be the new head coach at Iowa. Lickliter just won National Coach of the Year, after taking the Butler Bulldogs to the Sweet 16 and finishing with a 29-7 record. I'm not overly familiar with Lickliter. According to a drunk hobo, he was 131-61 in 6 seasons at Butler and took them to the Sweet 16 both seasons they made the tourney. He also had two NIT appearances as well. Before becoming head coach, he served as an assistant at Butler under Thad Matta, who is currently the head coach at Ohio State.

This looks like a great hire to me, although after what Steve Alford has done (or failed to do) with this program, they could've hired a broccoli fart in a jar as head coach and I'd probably been happy. Welcome to Iowa Todd, and best wishes.

One Last Thing
A week or so ago, I received an email from the folks over at Rumors and Rants. They had invited several sports bloggers to submit to them their favorite ballplayer of all-time and why? The result is this excellent compilation from a wide variety of great sports blog out there. I chose to give a tip of the cap to Mark Grace, but some paid their respects to lesser known guys like Kevin Romine and "possibly retarded" Rube Waddell. If you love baseball, it's a pretty entertaining read.

Best Morning Ever

Though the hurdles of life have kept my posts on TMS at bay as of late, I had to take the time to discuss the wonderful events that transpired after I shut my eyes last night. First and foremost, a round of applause to Tony LaRussa, who I'm sure you've heard by now was found asleep at the wheel and charged with a DUI. Yes, he was wearing his trademark tinted glasses at the time. As this mugshot shows, he is now wide awake and hopefully contemplating suicide. The surly LaRussa has never been a fan favorite in St. Louis, despite his success, and this incident will certainly not endear him any further with the Cardinal faithful. Needless to say, he is generally abhored in Cub-dom. Alas, not much will come of it. It's difficult to reprimand an employee for a DUI when your entire baseball franchise has historically been propped up by Budweiser. A public tongue-lashing and small fine will likely be the extent of his punishment, along with the years of embarrassment. If we Cub fans are lucky, perhaps LaRussa will step down from his post after this year, followed by a string of hapless seasons for Poop-holes and the Cards.

The other sports tidbit which is cause for celebration in the heartland is late word that Steve Alford will be resigning his post as basketball coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes, and assume the same position at the University of New Mexico. A press conference is expected Friday. And the peasants rejoiced. If only Dr. Tom Davis could be coaxed out of retirement. Look for a Steve Alford War Criminal profile in the near future.

Chaiming In, New Years Edition

While going home for the holidays I was shocked and horrified to hear 'Christmas Time' by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Do people actually buy the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" albums? Tis the season for murder I say! Doing a minimal amount of research, I find that yes, not only are people buying these albums, but they are rating them an average of 4.5/5 stars on Amazon. I mean these guys are to music what Al Qaeda is to the world.





Who's the boss now? I could fucking buy you Danza.










Barry Zito, or as my wife calls him, "the hottest guy in baseball...way better looking than you" just signed a 7 year, $126 million dollar deal with the Giants. They've done studies that show that good looking people earn more than ugly people. Comparing Zito's salary to Randy Johnson's, we see this to be true. I can see Zito not wanting to take his 85 mph heater to the softball diamond in Arlington, but San Fran? Good luck keeping that ERA down with the geriatrics you have behind you. At least once a week, Barry Bonds legs will fall off while running after the ball, leading to a record year for inside the park homers, and lots of Sam Crawford references . Doesn't Jack Clark still play for them? Seriously, they could sign Julio Franco and the median age on the team would actually decrease. In other exciting news, this Boras-negotiated contract will mean that Carlos Zambrano has the leverage to make the Cubs beg for mercy, rename Wrigley Field in his honor and provide discounted Old Style to all of his countrymen. Well shit, we better hope Rich Hill pans out.

Bob Knight is poised to become college basketball's all time winningest head coach. All I have to say about that is (long string of expletives. choking myself. throwing chair down the hallway, narrowly missing the cat. more expletives. burying my face in red sweater, sobbing.)

The NFL caused quite a little stir by moving the Bears-Packers game to 7:00 on New Years Eve, using the power of the flex schedule to thwart many New Years plans for my fellow Chicagoans. My plans had included watching the game while getting drunk on the couch by myself, leading to a icy stare from my wife which says 'Happy New Year Asshole' better than any greeting card ever could. Fortunately, this switch in times does not affect my plans.

Kurt Warner takes to the field once again, riding a white steed (no, not Brenda) into San Diego to lead the Arizona Football Cardinals to what will surely be a disappointing and most likely, embarrassing loss. But there is hope. Kurt has turned to using a pair of 'gloves' when he plays to reduce his fumblitis. These gloves will surely make him more mobile and increase his escapability tenfold. They are also good for seducing ladies and hitting those tough inside pitches. Fearless prediction: Cardinals 23 Chargers 17. Kurt Warner 1 The Devil 0. Stem Cell Research in Missouri 1 Kurt Warner 0.

The Iowa Hawkeyes take on the Texas Longhorns in the vaunted Alamo Bowl. The Alamo Bowl. Iowa's default bowl for the years in which they suck. Texas, fresh off a national championship, gets stuck with a crummy 6 win team, and doesn't even get to travel. Drew Tate will try in vain to work some Big Texas Magic only to find out that his other players all have the and heart of a 'Elf'-era Jon Favreau (look at how fat he is. That is just unhealthy. And the irony is that he's playing a doctor. Pashaw!), not the 'Rudy'-era one. Fearless prediction: Texas 31 Iowa 13. Ouch. Hayden Fry's mustache 1 Matthew McConaughey's stubby arms 0.

How bout them Northern Iowa Panthers! The alma mater is looking tough in basketball again this year. Certainly the best team in Iowa, which is like being the hottest chick at truck stop diner at 2AM. You just don't know what you're getting. Is it even a woman? But I'm thinking we can at least advance past the first round in the tourney this year, much to the chagrin of Billy Packer.

Rants: Not having a long Christmas break like in college, lamenting, everyone sending/giving/bringing 'sweets' to work for the holidays (how bout a meat and cheese tray? Some Omaha Steaks? Fuck sugar cookies.), guys that do somersaults into a bar to announce their entrance, trying to keep up with drinkers who dwarf your tolerance, trying to pick a fight and then ending it in a warm embrace, Brett Favre man crushes, 'unrated versions' of DVDs.

Raves: Gift Cards, overeating/drinking, 'Kissology Volume I' (the ONLY Kiss DVD you need), the passage of time, breaded pork tenderloins, America: The Book, post-Christmas sales (and getting it online instead of braving the crowds), Topolobampo, finding a good sushi place that delivers.


Happy New Year. Mel says, 'Drink responsibly, but don't let the Jews spoil all your fun!'

Go Panthers! UNI vs. Iowa Tonight

It's only three hours until Hawk Panther Time!

When it comes to basketball, I hate the Iowa Hawkeyes. Wait, wait, wait, let me go back. I used to love the Hawkeyes. Then that ass clown Steve Alfraud came to town and made a mockery of the program. After the way he handled the Pierre Pierce debacle I have imposed a personal boycott of the team until his ass is out of Iowa City.

Luckily for me, my alma mater, the University of Northern Iowa has been pretty decent in recent years, making it to the tournament the last three seasons. And tonight the two face off in their annual game, which should once again be a good one to watch. Of course, unless you live in or near Eastern Iowa, or you have the ESPN Full Court package, you probably won't get to see this. In recent years the home team usually wins, with the Hawks getting the upperhand at Carver-Hawkeye, and the Panthers taking advantage in the UNI-Dome. Tonight's game is at Iowa so you'd have to consider them the favorites.

UNI, has looked good so far this year, with their only loss coming to #15 Washington. Last week they beat Iowa State, (Who just lost to Drake by the way. Seriously, no one loses to Drake!) but Iowa should be a tougher foe than the Cyclones. Leading the Panthers are seniors Brooks McKowen and Grant Stout, and junior Eric Coleman. McKowen has taken over at guard for sharp-shooting Ben Jacobsen who graduated last year, while Stout and Coleman have provided the Panthers with a tough frontcourt. Coleman is averaging 8.7 rebounds per game while Stout has 8.0. UNI is known for their tough defense as opponents are damn lucky to score more than 65-70 points in a game against them.

Iowa is led by senior guard Adam Haluska, who's averaging 18.5 ppg. After dropping four straight games to Alabama, Villanova, Arizona State and Virginia Tech, the Hawkeyes have bounced back with two wins over cupcakes Coppin State and Texas Pan-American.

So here's to the Panthers trouncing the goddamn Hawkeyes tonight. Of course with the way things have gone in the past regarding the home teams, I'm pretty much figuring Iowa to win this one. Go Panthers, and go Missouri Valley Conference while we're at it. Let's have another great showing in March Madness and prove to the country yet again that Billy Packer is the biggest douchebag of them all, because let's face it, seeing a mid-major kick ass is better than watching the seventh best team in a power conference go nowhere in the tourney.

Bartender Banter: Stay Classy Ron Mexico!

Enough already. Michael Vick will never be the superstar quarterback that you claim he will be. Yes, he's a tremendous athlete, but having a great physique and being athletic isn't the only thing you need to succeed in the NFL. Hell look at Peyton Manning. He's a walking potato for Christ's sake, but he has remarkable field vision and can lead his team to wherever they need to go*.

Wait, isn't this the same site that completely trashed Peyton a couple weeks ago? Yes it is, but if you read it carefully without being blinded by your rage towards us and your homosexual tendencies towards #18, you'd see that we never deny that Manning is ultimately a very talented quarterback. Well Chaim did, but he is also one of only 47 people that actually bought Paul Stanley's last album.

When all is said and done, what will we have learned from the Ron Mexico Era? Probably that 1) You're never going to be a championship team with a running QB that can't maintain a role as a pocket passer, and 2) Herpes doesn't seem to affect your speed but does greatly affect your throwing accuracy.

*Except the Super Bowl.

Bear Dignity in Foxboro
Jesus, is it bad when watching your team, you expect them to more likely score on defense and special teams than on offense? I cringe every time Grossman leads a drive now, just waiting for the pick or fumble. This is not good folks. The last thing we need is a myriad of "Is Rex hurting the Bears?" articles, right before the playoffs. Yes we all have probably punched something or someone after watching one of Grossman's 18 turnovers this season, (For those that can't do math that's 1.64 turnovers/game) but handing things over to Brian Griese isn't going to improve the situation.

Hot Stove Burning Fans' Asses
Well the Cubs made the biggest splash by locking up Soriano until the Rapture. Lots of people were shitting on the deal in how ridiculously huge it is for a 31-year old player, who's defensive skills are far from remarkable. Thankfully plenty of other teams have begun to make large signings to help take the edge of the absurdly huge Alfie contract. Some of the more notable ones are the Dodgers taking Juan Pierre for $44 million for 5 years, the Astros signing Carlos Lee for $100 million over 6 years and the Angels in what may or may not have been a panic move, signing Gary Matthews to $50 million over 5 years. The Matthews contract astounds me. Don't get me wrong I was a proponent for the Cubs trying to get him, but at $10 million a year? You can't look at that with a straight face if you were one of the ones that ripped on the Cubs' DeRosa contract. And speaking of overpaid infielders, how about the Reds signing Alex Gonzalez to the tune of $14 million for 3 years? Sure he's got a great glove, but how do Cincy fans feel about paying a shortstop that has a .246 career average $4.67 million a year?

More Like Ala-blow
Congratulations to the Iowa Hawkeyes for completely shitting the bed in November en route what is quite possibly the most disappointing seasons in recent memory. So what's their reward for squandering several games? A trip to the Alamo Bowl! Screw you Minnesota, our fans travel well so we get to go to the more prominent bowl game. Any team that loses to Indiana (who by the way lost to I-AA Southern Illinois!), doesn't deserve any bowl bid.

Speaking of Bowls...
Hooray it looks like USC vs. Ohio State for the national championship! Here's to hoping both teams contract ebola, resulting in a dual forfeiture. That's the only possibly outcome I could think of that would make me happy.

I'm sorry, the BCS is a crock of shit and the cockweasels that support it kill me. How is this possibly a better system than a playoff? How? Even more irritating are the people that rag on the playoff idea, saying it would never work. Really? So something like this could never happen? Oh, my bad. I guess I'm the asshole for thinking it would. The arguments that the BCS is better than a playoff are absurd. One argument is that the BCS puts more emphasis on a team's record. In the BCS system one loss would have a heavier factor than it would in a playoff system, thus making teams try to win every game. Huh? If I may for a moment, let me steal a line from the immortal Herm Edwards when I say, "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!" A team would have to have shit for brains to go out and play thinking, "It's OK if we lose this one, we'll still make the playoffs." Bullshit. Sure, teams in the NFL rest up guys once they've clinched the playoffs, but with 100 some odd teams in I-A, I don't think you can relax that much. The second argument is that teams would "tank" to possibly play a weaker team in the playoffs. That is equally absurd. Let's say that there was a 16 team bracket for the playoffs. Now let's say that each of the 11 conferences gets an automatic bid to their conference champion. That would leave 5 at-large bids to be determined. With only 5 spots open for teams that don't win their conference, that leaves a pretty narrow margin for error if they decide to tank a game.

I went ahead and put together what a possible 16 team bracket would look like. I filled 11 spots with the conference champion. Since the championship for a handful of conferences is still undecided I just picked the team that had the best record. Now to fill the remaining 5 spots, I simply went down the BCS rankings (Hey, it's good for something!) and picked the top 5 teams that hadn't already received a bid. This is what it looks like.

The first round of games could be played at the higher seeded schools while the latter rounds could take place at some of the current bowl sites. The 4 BCS bowls could rotate who hosts the title game like they currently do with two of the others hosting the semifinals and whichever bowl hosted the championship the year before hosting a quarterfinal game the following year.

So looking at this the at-large bids went to LSU, Arkansas, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Louisville. That means teams like Notre Dame, Virginia Tech, Auburn, and West Virginia are left out. While some would probably bitch that one of those teams deserves a spot over Houston, Ohio or Middle Tennessee, so what? Every conference in the NCAA basketball tournament gets a shot at the title, so why can't football? While every Sun Belt team would more than likely be trounced in the first round, who wouldn't love to see a team from the WAC, MAC or CUSA pull off a first round shocker? It would be awesome to watch. Who wouldn't want to see Louisville and Rutgers duke it out in a rematch? Or see if Boise State was legit enough to hang with the big boys? A playoff would be infinitely better than the BCS. For once the title could honestly be settled on the field, rather than by the coaches, the media, and some lousy computers.

Bartender Banter: Free Kenny!

With Dallas playing on Monday Night Football, ESPN almost had nothing to blather on about today. But then Fox and there super-ultra zoom cameras caught Kenny's poo-stained hand. But what was it? Pine tar? A mixture of dirt and rosin? Or did Kenny not wipe very well? We will never know. What we do know is that the Cardinals may have been better off had Kenny left the poo-tar-dirt on his throwing hand. After Rogers washed it off he came out for the second inning and proceeded to mow down the Redbirds, including 6 straight hitless innings.

But now, every Kenny hater out there in the media has locked on to his potential "cheating". No way that a 41 year old pitcher that has a history of playing horribly in the postseason could miraculously put together one of the best playoff runs in recent memory. He had to be doing something illegal, right? Nevermind that if Rogers was a Yankee or Red Sox it would be the greatest story in postseason history. We wouldn't dare question how a Boston or New York pitcher suddenly had a great postseason. I guess my question is, if Rogers did in fact have an illegal substance on his hand, then why didn't LaRussa call for the ump to search Rogers? If he could have been thrown out of the game, why didn't LaRussa do it?

Then you have the discrepancies in everybody's story of what happened. Given what everyone has said, my guess is that Rogers was told to clean his hand off by the umpire and he did at the end of the inning. Rogers initially denied it, but given his standoff-ish personality, maybe his denial was some sort of kneejerk reaction he has. He obviously isn't the most open or candid guy with the media.

So Kenny had a dirty hand for one inning in that he walked Pujols and gave up a line drive to Rolen. He then washes his hand, and pitches another 7 shutout innings. But suddenly that one inning is going tarnish his performance this postseason? Whatever. The managers don't seem concerned, the players don't seem concerned, and Kenny certainly doesn't seem concerned. Let's just hope T.O. punches Parcells in the face tonight and ESPN can shut up about this ordeal and waste their time with an even more unlikeable athlete.

I do have one other beef about this whole thing. It appears that the press hasn't quite settled on a name for it. I've read some calling it "dirtgate", while others call it "smudgegate". I love the originality of it all. Let's take a word and add 'gate' on the end. No one has ever done that before. I have to say though, nothing will beat Kazuhito Tadano and "sodomy-gate".

OK, one final thing and I'll shut up about it. I think the worst fallout of this mess will definitely be that FOX can now actually justify their horrible zoom-in camera shots they do in the postseason. Nobody wants to see any pitcher's face so close up that you can count his nosehairs and how many whiteheads he has. Yeesh, I'm just happy that my poor ass still can't afford an HDTV set. Seeing Chris Carpenter's face up close on my regular set is bad enough that I keep breaking out in hives.

Sweet Lou? Sweet Jesus!
Reporting about a week late on this, Lou Piniella is the new manager of the Cubs. Better hide your wallets! I guess ambivalent is probably the best word to describe my thoughts on the move. I think his fiery personality will hopefully spark the Cubs a bit, and weed out the whiners that seemed to enjoy not being pushed by Dusty. But on the other hand I have this feeling that Lou will completely melt down at some point and will either get fired or quit on them. The Cubs put together back-to-back winning season in 2003 and 2004. The last time they did that, Ron Santo was playing third base. Looking at that I'd say the odds are stacked against Lou that he can have multiple winning seasons with this franchise. If they continue to tank, how patient is he really going to be?

ABC Loves the Wolverines
I was all pumped to watch the Iowa-Michigan game on ABC this week, but was saddened to see that instead of a national broadcast, they apparently opted to air a local Michigan broadcast instead. How else can you explain Bob Griese being in the booth? Jesus, could we get Desmond Howard in there to do play-by-play as well? I loved how Bob forced an inordinate amount of praise towards the Hawkeyes, even though they were lame blanket statements like, "Iowa seems to be driving the ball well here." Even worse was when son Brian came into the booth. Bob then proceeded to ask him questions like it was an interview, which came off incredibly awkward. He's your son Bob, yet you ask him questions like you don't already know the answer? It was just very strange to watch. Yet the best question wasn't asked, which would've been, "Brian, do you credit the Bears red hot 6-0 start to the fact that you have barely sniffed the field this season?"

And don't let this seem like I'm totally shitting on Michigan. While I cheer for the Hawkeyes, I'm not going to deny the fact that the Wolverines flat out beat them. Mike Hart and company were clearly the better team here. And while I'd much rather drink acid than cheer for them, I will be pulling for UM when they face the Buckeyes.