Showing posts with label Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan. Show all posts
Nicholas Castellanos is Pretty OK
August 06, 2019 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
The Gist - The Bats Awaken, Beat Cards
May 26, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Rich is off to go get married or some shit. So you're stuck with me recapping what happened this past series. Expect 50% less effort, and 150% more cursing. Here we go!
What Happened: We won a fucking series again is what happened. Taking two of three from the Cardinals in St. Louis was a nice way to cap off a rather disappointing road trip. We went into a slump and yet we maintained the best record in baseball during the down period. I think we'll be fine.
After losing a heartbreaker Monday on a walk-off home run from noted trailer trash Randal Grichuk, the Cubs proceeded to curbstomp the Cardinals on Tuesday 12-3. They followed that up with a 9-8 squeaker on Wednesday. It appears the hot summer weather has heated the bats up again and they were certainly a welcome sight, especially on Wednesday when Arrieta was knocked around for four earned runs. Do you even remember the last time Jake gave up 4 earned runs in a regular season contest? Yeah I didn't either. Turns out it was June 16th last year. Now that he's got that out of the way I'm sure we'll have another 11 months before it happens again, right?
Series MVP: Pat Hughes and Ron Coomer. They're really in midseason form calling games. And we also learned a little about Shakespeare and Socrates as well!
Series LVP: Tommy LaStella. I don't care what you do, you'll never win my approval you son of a bitch.
Read This: If you don't read Deadspin much you may be missing out on these gems. They've been chronicling every Cardinal loss this season with a recap. It's the perfect satisfying little read for every person that reviles St. Louis, which unless you're a Cardinals fan I assume is everyone on the planet. Fuck this team.
"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):
Cubs begin a weekend series at home tomorrow against the Philadelphia Phillies. And before you go underestimating them as NL East doormats, go check the standings real quick. Yeah... They're 26-21 and only two games back of the Nats. This isn't a team to take lightly and their young pitching has proven to be quite tough. Their offense however can easily be squashed. The team's run differential right now is -31, which is the same as the Houston Astros. Stats are fun.
Here's to a three game sweep this weekend and a happy wedding for Rich and the poor lady that agreed to marry that shithead.
What Happened: We won a fucking series again is what happened. Taking two of three from the Cardinals in St. Louis was a nice way to cap off a rather disappointing road trip. We went into a slump and yet we maintained the best record in baseball during the down period. I think we'll be fine.
After losing a heartbreaker Monday on a walk-off home run from noted trailer trash Randal Grichuk, the Cubs proceeded to curbstomp the Cardinals on Tuesday 12-3. They followed that up with a 9-8 squeaker on Wednesday. It appears the hot summer weather has heated the bats up again and they were certainly a welcome sight, especially on Wednesday when Arrieta was knocked around for four earned runs. Do you even remember the last time Jake gave up 4 earned runs in a regular season contest? Yeah I didn't either. Turns out it was June 16th last year. Now that he's got that out of the way I'm sure we'll have another 11 months before it happens again, right?
Series MVP: Pat Hughes and Ron Coomer. They're really in midseason form calling games. And we also learned a little about Shakespeare and Socrates as well!
Series LVP: Tommy LaStella. I don't care what you do, you'll never win my approval you son of a bitch.
Read This: If you don't read Deadspin much you may be missing out on these gems. They've been chronicling every Cardinal loss this season with a recap. It's the perfect satisfying little read for every person that reviles St. Louis, which unless you're a Cardinals fan I assume is everyone on the planet. Fuck this team.
"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):
Cubs begin a weekend series at home tomorrow against the Philadelphia Phillies. And before you go underestimating them as NL East doormats, go check the standings real quick. Yeah... They're 26-21 and only two games back of the Nats. This isn't a team to take lightly and their young pitching has proven to be quite tough. Their offense however can easily be squashed. The team's run differential right now is -31, which is the same as the Houston Astros. Stats are fun.
Here's to a three game sweep this weekend and a happy wedding for Rich and the poor lady that agreed to marry that shithead.
Cubs vs. Brewers Preview
May 18, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
This is what happens when you do a Google image search for "Jimmy Nelson"
From the TMS Vault: War Hero, The Wicked Game Video
May 11, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
As we celebrate the Saloon turning 10 years old this year we'll be digging into our archives from time to time to unearth some classic posts from way back when. Aside from reposting these pieces we'll also be talking with the TMS bartenders that wrote them and getting a little more insight on them.
In July 2007 we decided to expand our ranks and bring in some more bartenders to the Saloon. Nick was the first to join the fray, writing under the pseudonym "The Hundley". I was able to talk with Nick recently to discuss this memorable War Hero piece.
Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan: How much of this do you remember writing? It's been nearly 9 years ago.
The Hundley: To be fair, I was doing a copious amount of peyote at that stage in my life. That being said, it would be tough for a boy to forget that video as he was coming into adolescence. If I remember correctly, that article was my "test piece" to see if I made the cut for TMS. I remember it went pretty quickly because obviously that video had a profound effect on me.
JTCF: Yeah it was your "test piece" as you were the first outsider we brought into the fold. We didn't have a vetting process in place (Did we ever?) so I just sort of let you write whatever you want. I have to say it's the most impressive debut we ever had. Bursting onto the scene with the swagger of a young Doug Dascenzo.
Music videos seem to have fallen out of favor with today's kids and aren't really that big of a deal anymore. You have two young boys now. When the time is right, will you teach them the ways of the "Wicked Game" video, or will they have to find their own path?
TH: There's no way that I'd want them to suffer from the awkwardness of watching something like that in the presence of parents. You have to remember, that was a super risque video in the 90's. I'm not sure if Cinemax showed that much at the time. I think videos still have a place, if they didn't, then they'd stop making them. Thus far I've been blessed to have toddlers that incessantly ask for Johnny Cash and Nathaniel Rateliff videos instead of Wheels on the Bus and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'll take that.
JTCF: Well no one's probably fighting off boners to Johnny Cash, that's for sure.
TH: Can you be so sure? (ruing the fact that I wore sweatpants)
When 'Wicked Game' was shown on MTV in the early 90's, I was but a lad trying to transition from elementary school to junior high. You remember, don't you? All of the girls were starting to get breasts and wearing bras while you sat there with a few whiteheads, your hair chock-full of Dapper Dan, parted on the side, sporting "The Wave" hairstyle that Tyler from "Life Goes On" had (sans mullet, of course). Hypercolor shirts were taking precedence over your Rude Dog shirts from 6th grade. Those were the bomb, but could do little to suppress the stiffy you got from staring at your partner's chest in Spanish class. Something had to be done, and quick. You couldn't possibly sit cross-legged all the time. Sure baggy shirts were in, but what if you got called up to the chalk board? You can't hide that thing.
In July 2007 we decided to expand our ranks and bring in some more bartenders to the Saloon. Nick was the first to join the fray, writing under the pseudonym "The Hundley". I was able to talk with Nick recently to discuss this memorable War Hero piece.
Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan: How much of this do you remember writing? It's been nearly 9 years ago.
The Hundley: To be fair, I was doing a copious amount of peyote at that stage in my life. That being said, it would be tough for a boy to forget that video as he was coming into adolescence. If I remember correctly, that article was my "test piece" to see if I made the cut for TMS. I remember it went pretty quickly because obviously that video had a profound effect on me.
JTCF: Yeah it was your "test piece" as you were the first outsider we brought into the fold. We didn't have a vetting process in place (Did we ever?) so I just sort of let you write whatever you want. I have to say it's the most impressive debut we ever had. Bursting onto the scene with the swagger of a young Doug Dascenzo.
Music videos seem to have fallen out of favor with today's kids and aren't really that big of a deal anymore. You have two young boys now. When the time is right, will you teach them the ways of the "Wicked Game" video, or will they have to find their own path?
TH: There's no way that I'd want them to suffer from the awkwardness of watching something like that in the presence of parents. You have to remember, that was a super risque video in the 90's. I'm not sure if Cinemax showed that much at the time. I think videos still have a place, if they didn't, then they'd stop making them. Thus far I've been blessed to have toddlers that incessantly ask for Johnny Cash and Nathaniel Rateliff videos instead of Wheels on the Bus and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'll take that.
JTCF: Well no one's probably fighting off boners to Johnny Cash, that's for sure.
TH: Can you be so sure? (ruing the fact that I wore sweatpants)
War Hero: The Wicked Game Video
The full version of this post ran on July 2007 and can be found here.
Have you ever stopped to look back on your life? Thought about certain things that you've experienced and how they had a profound impact on your life? Maybe you learned the valuable lesson of taking nothing for granted after living through the 2003 Cub postseason or Brant Brown's gaffe in 1998. Perhaps you were taught a lesson on how to be a 'Class Act' by worshiping guys like Andre Dawson, Dale Murphy, and Walter Payton growing up. Quite possibly you learned to never give up after watching Jim Valvano's speech or simply by watching Stallone, Pele, and Michael Caine in "Victory". Yes, sports and pop culture have the power to teach us valuable lessons that will help us all on our journey through life. One of the greatest things I've learned in my 29 years from television, is how to fight off a boner. And I have Chris Isaak to thank for that.
When 'Wicked Game' was shown on MTV in the early 90's, I was but a lad trying to transition from elementary school to junior high. You remember, don't you? All of the girls were starting to get breasts and wearing bras while you sat there with a few whiteheads, your hair chock-full of Dapper Dan, parted on the side, sporting "The Wave" hairstyle that Tyler from "Life Goes On" had (sans mullet, of course). Hypercolor shirts were taking precedence over your Rude Dog shirts from 6th grade. Those were the bomb, but could do little to suppress the stiffy you got from staring at your partner's chest in Spanish class. Something had to be done, and quick. You couldn't possibly sit cross-legged all the time. Sure baggy shirts were in, but what if you got called up to the chalk board? You can't hide that thing.
Luckily Chris Isaak helped me out. This was back when MTV actually showed videos (a novel concept). My family had exactly one TV in the house so consequently, we watched it together as a family. Perhaps I was being punished by God, but 'Wicked Game' seemed only to come on when I was watching TV while my parents were around. Talk about awkward. Hopefully my parents were distracted reading the paper or playing Jenga, because watching Helena Christensen rolling around on a beach half naked was a bit "off-putting" to view in the presence of your parents, to say the least. Changing the channel was out of the question, you couldn't bring attention to it, and goddamn, that was one video that was too steamy to leave. Nevermind the fact that Chris Isaak looked like he was stuck in the 50's with his get-up, that guy quickly became my hero. It was a video you watched over and over, thinking perhaps you missed a nipple slip the first 100 times you saw it. It made good conversation in the lunchroom, bragging up your macho-ness by saying jugs, tits, rack, set and the like. As a good friend of mine states, "Any male between the ages of 22 and 32 remembers EXACTLY where and when they saw 'Wicked Game' for the first time." This was life-altering stuff. Once I found that I could get through that video while still managing to hold back "The Glory", I pretty much had Junior High figured out. No longer would I feel that slow dancing with a female was impossible. Teen Night at the YMCA swimming pool? Bring it on. Walking on a nude beach in Cancun as an 8th grader? Well...okay, just like the Pull-Out Method of birth control, it isn't 100% effective, but it's better than nothing.
It sure was a groundbreaking experience for me. And I'll be damned if I've ever seen a video since that leaves me more uncomfortable when in the presence of family. Christ, that's saying something when you're 29 years old. God bless you, Chris Isaak. Now, if we could only get your show back on the air and more of you on Leno...
Thunder Matt's Saloon Turns 10 Years Old
April 26, 2016 | Comments (3) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
It started with a simple post on April 26, 2006.
We were never very good at sticking to only blogging about the Cubs. We did however find our niche, which was not really having any niche at all. We just started writing about anything we felt like, and as such set ourselves apart from other Cubs blogs with our weird posts about damn near anything not related to the team. We were the most un-Cub Cubs blog ever, and for whatever reason it worked. And when I say "worked" I merely mean we managed to find a small cult audience that enjoyed us being weird bastards.
As time went on we brought on new writers and in our heyday had nearly a dozen different guys contributing. We quickly got bored and tried new ventures. Remember Pomp Culture? How about Exile on Clark? Or were you one of the four people that read Steve Finley Was Here? As fickle as we were about switching blogs, the Saloon was always our main home. It was Mom and Dad's house we could always move back to when our latest dumb idea didn't pan out, and it usually didn't.
For us blogging was mostly a hobby. And like lots of hobbies, real life can eventually consume your time to do them. So little by little the Saloon died off in 2010. A brief revival in 2012 was exactly that. Brief. This latest iteration has been fun and while I certainly can't write as much as I'd like to, it's good to be back home again, for however long it may be.
Looking back the thing I certainly value most with this whole venture are the friends I've made. This blog and the writers we managed to bring in, allowed me to meet some great people I never would've known otherwise and for that I'm grateful.
Well this is certainly getting sappier than I intended. I assure you I'll be back to my sailor-mouthed cursing self again soon. So here's to Thunder Matt's Saloon. And here's to our original crew. Ted, Ben, Brad, and myself. And to all the guys we added along they way: Nick, Ken, Rich, James, Jon, Jack, Jordi, Adam, Other Ben, Russ, and John. Thank you.
Caught the game in Los Angeles where Rafael Furcal maimed Derrek Lee. Thunder Matt entered the game late, I think he ended up with two at-bats. I tried numerous times to get a "THUNDER MATT" chant going, but the LA crowd wasn't having it. That's OK though, cause they all left in the 7th inning.With that simple paragraph a humble little blog at thundermatt.blogspot.com was born. A silly Cubs blog based on a young outfielder whom we dubbed "Thunder Matt" for no real reason other than we thought it sounded cool. We chose pseudonyms for ourselves. Brant Brown, Chaim Witz, Governor Gray Davis, and for myself, Chip Wesley.
We were never very good at sticking to only blogging about the Cubs. We did however find our niche, which was not really having any niche at all. We just started writing about anything we felt like, and as such set ourselves apart from other Cubs blogs with our weird posts about damn near anything not related to the team. We were the most un-Cub Cubs blog ever, and for whatever reason it worked. And when I say "worked" I merely mean we managed to find a small cult audience that enjoyed us being weird bastards.
As time went on we brought on new writers and in our heyday had nearly a dozen different guys contributing. We quickly got bored and tried new ventures. Remember Pomp Culture? How about Exile on Clark? Or were you one of the four people that read Steve Finley Was Here? As fickle as we were about switching blogs, the Saloon was always our main home. It was Mom and Dad's house we could always move back to when our latest dumb idea didn't pan out, and it usually didn't.
For us blogging was mostly a hobby. And like lots of hobbies, real life can eventually consume your time to do them. So little by little the Saloon died off in 2010. A brief revival in 2012 was exactly that. Brief. This latest iteration has been fun and while I certainly can't write as much as I'd like to, it's good to be back home again, for however long it may be.
Looking back the thing I certainly value most with this whole venture are the friends I've made. This blog and the writers we managed to bring in, allowed me to meet some great people I never would've known otherwise and for that I'm grateful.
Well this is certainly getting sappier than I intended. I assure you I'll be back to my sailor-mouthed cursing self again soon. So here's to Thunder Matt's Saloon. And here's to our original crew. Ted, Ben, Brad, and myself. And to all the guys we added along they way: Nick, Ken, Rich, James, Jon, Jack, Jordi, Adam, Other Ben, Russ, and John. Thank you.
The Gist: Game 10
April 15, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Quality Control: Despite the loss, Kyle Hendricks still managed to get a quality start, going 6 innings while allowing 4 runs. Only 2 of the runs were earned due to a couple of those aforementioned errors. Kyle struck out 5 and walked 0. It continues to amaze me how little our rotation walks anyone.
Jackie Robinson Day: Today was the day all of Major League Baseball honors Jackie Robinson by wearing 42 and thus confusing me on who is who on the field. Anyway, players all over baseball did their own personal thing to honor Robinson. Heyward did by wearing these slick looking cleats for today's game.
— jheytwotwo (@JasonHeyward) April 15, 2016From the Corrections Department: So during last night's broadcast there seemed to be some mystery about why the Cubs players were doing the "point down" motion after a base hit. This new move has replaced the "rubbing the helmet" from last year that was immortalized by Jonathan Herrera's amazing hands helmet. Our own TMS bartender Rich seemed to have discovered the origin of it the other week, as it appeared David Ross was mocking fellow teammate Ben Zobrist.
So I took to Twitter to help educate Len and Jim on why they do that. However Len quickly shot our theory down today in a response.
First off, thanks Len for responding. Secondly, what Tribune article?@tmsaloon Actually no. Check Tribune story about it.— Len Kasper (@LenKasper) April 15, 2016
Oh...
As Mark Gonzales explains:
"Catcher David Ross confirmed Thursday that many players who reach base safely are pointing to the ground with both hands to indicate they’re not looking too far ahead or too far in the past."Oh fine. You win this round Gonzales! I still like our story better, even if it is complete BS.
"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):
The Cubs look to get back on track tomorrow with another 1:20pm start against the Rockies. Jake Arrieta will hopefully continue his dominance vs. right hander Christian Bergman.
TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Kansas City Royals
April 12, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.
We're into the second week of the season and we're still slogging our way through this shit. Today we're gonna talk about the Royals.
2015 Finish: 95-67 (1st Place in AL Central)
So Long: Jeremy Guthrie, Alex Rios, Jonny Gomes, Wandy Rodriguez, Greg Holland
Welcome: Joakim Soria, Dillon Gee, Chien-Ming Wang, Ian Kennedy
Opening Day Lineup
1. Alcides Escobar, SS
2. Mike Moustakas, 3B
3. Lorenzo Cain, CF
4. Eric Hosmer, 1B
5. Kendrys Morales, DH
6. Alex Gordon, LF
7. Salvador Perez, C
8. Omar Infante, 2B
9. Reymond Fuentes, RF
Starting Rotation: Edinson Volquez, Chris Young, Kris Medlen, Yordano Ventura, Ian Kennedy
Setup: Joakim Soria
Closer: Wade Davis
Last year saw the Royals return to the World Series and do the one thing the Cubs could not, dispatch the Mets. On offense the main core stayed in tact from 2014, and in the case of younger stars Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas, they took a leap forward in their development. Add in what turned out to be a savvy pick up in DH Kenrdys Morales and the Royals were off and running.
That solid offense coupled with a great defense helped carry what was rather mediocre starting pitching. When Edinson Volquez is your "ace" you're obvious winning games in spite of your rotation. KC's bullpen was another strong point however and often locked things down when their offense came up with some much needed run support. The fact that setup man/closer Wade Davis won 8 games is saying something. That's more than Danny Duffy and he made 24 starts.
So now it's 2016 and they've got a ring. Can they repeat? Sure, why not? They managed to win last year and the formula hasn't changed. The main lineup is pretty much the same save for no more Alex Rios, which isn't a bad thing. Once Jarrod Dyson comes back from injury he should fill that hole fine. Re-signing Alex Gordon this offseason was a solid move and one that I think speaks volumes of this organization. It tells their fans that they're committed to winning for the long haul. The rotation is still sort of a hot mess, but if Yordano Ventura can mature a bit more he'll do well. Volquez and Kennedy are serviceable enough. The magic appears to have worn off Chris Young however. But if Kris Medlen can come around and either Dillon Gee or Chien-Ming Wang have something in the tank they should hold their own again. Enough at least to get to that bullpen which once again will be one of the best in the league. Wade Davis replaces Greg Holland as an elite closer and former longtime KC closer Joakim Soria has returned to set him up. Luke Hochevar, who was once laughable as a starting pitcher has emerged as a pretty damn good reliever.
The Royals should be in line to make another run for the postseason but will certainly have their work cut out for them. They're a classic small-market makes good story, and unlike the Pirates, they're not in the Cubs division so I don't hate their fucking guts.
Reason to Watch: Eric Hosmer. Long touted as a superstar in the making, Hosmer is just now starting to fill out those big shoes folks made for him. He's won 3 consecutive Gold Gloves and posted career bests last season in runs, RBI, and OPS. Now entering his age 26 season, Hosmer is just reaching his peak years.
Reason To Drink: This rotation. Holy shit. I've already talked about it but I'm not kidding here. Last season the pitching staff as a whole had a 3.73 ERA which was 3rd best in the AL. But when you look at their 4.04 FIP you start to see the problem. This defense bailed them out quite a bit. In fact the -0.30 difference between them was the worst in the AL. The good news is that same stellar defense is around, so fear not Royals fans. Your gold glovers will bail you out those days when Ian Kennedy looks like shit.
The Fans: Solid group of people and incredibly loyal to their team. I recall back in 2002 I was in Kansas City for a trip and ran into some fans watching the game at a bar. We had the following exchange.
Their Worst Contract: Not a whole lot of contracts here I'd call bad at all. That Ian Kennedy deal is probably the most excessive and probably won't be of much value in the last couple years. But even then at most it's $16.5 million a year.
Fantasy Standout: Eric Hosmer. He's pretty good.
Fantasy Bust: Omar Infante. Why is he still alive, let alone on a fantasy roster? Actually he's probably not on a fantasy roster. Yep, a quick look at Yahoo shows he's only 1% owned in all leagues. That's still 1% too many. I'm gonna create one of those ad campaigns like they have against smoking. None Percent Infante in 2016!
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: That TV show you started watching from the beginning and really liked. So you keep telling your friends about it and they ignore you for the most part. Then by the third season it suddenly gets all the critical and mainstream acclaim you've been hoping for. Suddenly you feel justified in bugging everyone to watch all that time. All your friends can't shut up about it now. But then you start to tire of it. People are asking you if you watch it and you start copping a snarky attitude. Pretty soon you begin to resent the show you loved. Eventually you stop watching it. Soon after you quit your job and begin living on the streets. Life has no purpose any more. You scavenge for food in dumpsters. Last night you fought a raccoon over half a bag of Doritos.
Wait, where the fuck was I going with this?
We're into the second week of the season and we're still slogging our way through this shit. Today we're gonna talk about the Royals.
 |
| Gee, thanks gramps. Couldn't splurge on some Werthers? |
So Long: Jeremy Guthrie, Alex Rios, Jonny Gomes, Wandy Rodriguez, Greg Holland
Welcome: Joakim Soria, Dillon Gee, Chien-Ming Wang, Ian Kennedy
Opening Day Lineup
1. Alcides Escobar, SS
2. Mike Moustakas, 3B
3. Lorenzo Cain, CF
4. Eric Hosmer, 1B
5. Kendrys Morales, DH
6. Alex Gordon, LF
7. Salvador Perez, C
8. Omar Infante, 2B
9. Reymond Fuentes, RF
Starting Rotation: Edinson Volquez, Chris Young, Kris Medlen, Yordano Ventura, Ian Kennedy
Setup: Joakim Soria
Closer: Wade Davis
Last year saw the Royals return to the World Series and do the one thing the Cubs could not, dispatch the Mets. On offense the main core stayed in tact from 2014, and in the case of younger stars Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas, they took a leap forward in their development. Add in what turned out to be a savvy pick up in DH Kenrdys Morales and the Royals were off and running.
That solid offense coupled with a great defense helped carry what was rather mediocre starting pitching. When Edinson Volquez is your "ace" you're obvious winning games in spite of your rotation. KC's bullpen was another strong point however and often locked things down when their offense came up with some much needed run support. The fact that setup man/closer Wade Davis won 8 games is saying something. That's more than Danny Duffy and he made 24 starts.
So now it's 2016 and they've got a ring. Can they repeat? Sure, why not? They managed to win last year and the formula hasn't changed. The main lineup is pretty much the same save for no more Alex Rios, which isn't a bad thing. Once Jarrod Dyson comes back from injury he should fill that hole fine. Re-signing Alex Gordon this offseason was a solid move and one that I think speaks volumes of this organization. It tells their fans that they're committed to winning for the long haul. The rotation is still sort of a hot mess, but if Yordano Ventura can mature a bit more he'll do well. Volquez and Kennedy are serviceable enough. The magic appears to have worn off Chris Young however. But if Kris Medlen can come around and either Dillon Gee or Chien-Ming Wang have something in the tank they should hold their own again. Enough at least to get to that bullpen which once again will be one of the best in the league. Wade Davis replaces Greg Holland as an elite closer and former longtime KC closer Joakim Soria has returned to set him up. Luke Hochevar, who was once laughable as a starting pitcher has emerged as a pretty damn good reliever.
The Royals should be in line to make another run for the postseason but will certainly have their work cut out for them. They're a classic small-market makes good story, and unlike the Pirates, they're not in the Cubs division so I don't hate their fucking guts.
Reason to Watch: Eric Hosmer. Long touted as a superstar in the making, Hosmer is just now starting to fill out those big shoes folks made for him. He's won 3 consecutive Gold Gloves and posted career bests last season in runs, RBI, and OPS. Now entering his age 26 season, Hosmer is just reaching his peak years.
 |
| Volquez's fivehead is on point. |
Me: "Who is that pitching? Dan Reichert?"Despite the hostile first impression I talked to the guy some more as well as some other folks there. They all followed the Royals intensely and would take a bullet for their team no matter how awful they were. Keep in mind this was 2002 as well. They lost 100 games that year and had been dogshit for nearly a decade at that point. These folks lived and died by their team no matter what and I couldn't have been more impressed. Things definitely got worse before they got better too, but now that they've become relevant again, there's an entire city more than eager to embrace them, and that's pretty cool to see.
Dude: "Yeah, and he's pitching well. You got a problem with that?"
Me: "Uh, no. I was just asking."
Their Worst Contract: Not a whole lot of contracts here I'd call bad at all. That Ian Kennedy deal is probably the most excessive and probably won't be of much value in the last couple years. But even then at most it's $16.5 million a year.
Fantasy Standout: Eric Hosmer. He's pretty good.
 |
| I think this will really resonate with the Millennials |
Wait, where the fuck was I going with this?
The Gist: Games 5 & 6
April 11, 2016 | Comments (3) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
WAIT! I didn't tell you how this weekend's games ended!
WE WON!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
WE WON!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
The Gist: Game 4
April 09, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Welcome to The Gist! Thunder Matt's Saloon readers of yore will recognize this game recap as the most inconsistent thing we've ever done. So why do I think I can tackle a game-by-game recap over an entire regular season? Because it's 2016 and I can write this from the bus every day. That said, this will most likely be pretty phoned-in. Let's do it!
Rich is away so I'm picking up the slack this weekend while he's exiled to Canada or something.
What Happened: Well, it ain't all gonna be puppies and rainbows. Aside from finding out Kyle Schwarber was done for the year, the Cubs took their first loss of the season.
Chicago was hanging onto a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the 8th when Paul Goldschmidt got a base hit that would score Jean Segura from second base and tie the game. This of course led to all the wonderful armchair managers with their brilliant eagle-eye hindsight to come out from their troll caves and shout, "HE SHOULDA WALKED GOLDSCHMIDT!"
Calm the fuck down alright? Strop handled Goldschmidt fine the night before. Sometimes not everything can go our way OK? This shit irritates me to no end. I'm a cynical asshole as much as the next guy but this sort of bitching is stupid.
What can we take away from this loss: How about Jason Hammel pitching pretty well/ 6 innings, 6 strikeouts, 1 earned run. Those type of quality starts will do just fine from our #4 pitcher.
"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):
Game 3 of this series versus Arizona is tonight at 7:10pm Central. Kyle Hendricks will make his first start of the season against Diamondbacks ace Zack Greinke. Hopefully Greinke is still feeling the effects of the flu that hampered his season debut earlier this week.
Rich is away so I'm picking up the slack this weekend while he's exiled to Canada or something.
What Happened: Well, it ain't all gonna be puppies and rainbows. Aside from finding out Kyle Schwarber was done for the year, the Cubs took their first loss of the season.
Chicago was hanging onto a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the 8th when Paul Goldschmidt got a base hit that would score Jean Segura from second base and tie the game. This of course led to all the wonderful armchair managers with their brilliant eagle-eye hindsight to come out from their troll caves and shout, "HE SHOULDA WALKED GOLDSCHMIDT!"
Calm the fuck down alright? Strop handled Goldschmidt fine the night before. Sometimes not everything can go our way OK? This shit irritates me to no end. I'm a cynical asshole as much as the next guy but this sort of bitching is stupid.
What can we take away from this loss: How about Jason Hammel pitching pretty well/ 6 innings, 6 strikeouts, 1 earned run. Those type of quality starts will do just fine from our #4 pitcher.
"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):
TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Pittsburgh Pirates
April 06, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.
Now it's time to talk about the fucking Pirates.
2015 Finish: 98-64 (2nd Place in NL Central)
So Long: Joe Blanton, A.J. Burnett, J.A. Happ, Corey "Midget Face" Hart, Aramis Ramirez, Joakim Soria, Pedro Alvarez, Neil Walker, Charlie Morton
Welcome: Jon Niese, Juan Nicasio, Ryan Vogelsong, John Jaso, Neftali Feliz, Matt Joyce, David Freese
Opening Day Lineup
1. John Jaso, 1B
2. Andrew McCutchen, CF
3. David Freese, 3B
4. Starling Marte, LF
5. Francisco Cervelli, C
6. Gregory Polanco, RF
7. Josh Harrison, 2B
8. Jordy Mercer, SS
Starting Rotation: Francisco Liriano, Gerrit Cole, Jon Niese, Jeff Locke, Juan Nicasio
Setup: Tony Watson
Closer: Mark Melancon
The Pirates won 98 games last year. It was the most since 1991. It got them to the Wild Card game where the Jake Arrieta promptly squashed all their hopes and dreams.
Fin.
So now it's 2016 and the Pirates should be ready for another trip to the postseason right? Yeah, probably not. While the rotation still has Liriano and Cole at the top, and the bullpen's one-two punch of Watson and Melancon will shut games down for them no problem, this offense.... eeeehhhh.
Gone are their 3rd and 4th best guys in RBI last year in Pedro Alvarez and Neil Walker. To replace them they got John Jaso and Josh Harrison. Hmmm I'm not thinking the same amount of runs are gonna be driven in by those two. They added David Freese at 3B since Jung Ho Kang's leg isn't quite back to 100% after Chris Coghlan destroyed it last year. Freese wouldn't make most MLB rosters and yet he's the Pirates Opening Day 3B. Also Clint Hurdle is a dullard. The Pirates have made it to the postseason in spite of him. When it push comes to shove he can't manage his way out of a wet paper sack.
So I hope you enjoyed the last couple years Pirates fans, because it's over. You had your chance and missed it. And now your management thinks they can keep winning by slapping together low-rent pieces of trash on this slowly sinking ship. Look me in the eyes and tell me this lineup is better than what you had last year. Yeah. But you did just sign Gregory Polanco long-term. That'll be a nice tradeable contract in two years when you guys are scrapping this team for parts.
Reason to Watch: Gerrit Cole. Dude's has turned into a perennial Cy Young candidate. Good luck next season when he hits his arbitration years. I'm sure Scott Boras will get his guy a fair price.
Reason To Drink: John Jaso's fucking hair.
Fucking white guy dreads! All he needs is some patchouli oil and one of those hooded rug shirts and he's the guy at your corner record store. Good god man. Have some self-respect.
The Fans: They all seem like nice enough people. I feel sorry for them though. Their franchise has bumped it's payroll up to not quite $100 million and still have very little to show for it. Paying 18 shitty to kind of mediocre guys $3 million a year doesn't make your team better. Fucking figure out your finances Pittsburgh and invest in something better.
Their Worst Contract: I'd say paying $8 million for Michael Morse to be awful this season, only the Dodgers are footing that bill. So actually there isn't a really bad contract here, mostly due to them being massive tightwads and not spending any money.
Fantasy Standout: Gerrit Cole. Like I said before, the dude is a stud. That McCutchen guy ain't too bad either.
Fantasy Bust: Josh Harrison. 2014 was his peak and it wasn't even that impressive of one. Expecting those numbers again is foolish.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The part in Flowers for Algernon where Charlie realizes his newfound brilliance is fleeting. Sorry Pittsburgh. Soon enough you'll be back to being a retarded janitor again.
Now it's time to talk about the fucking Pirates.
 |
| Hey it's Sid Bream, Pittsburgh fans' favorite Pirate! |
So Long: Joe Blanton, A.J. Burnett, J.A. Happ, Corey "Midget Face" Hart, Aramis Ramirez, Joakim Soria, Pedro Alvarez, Neil Walker, Charlie Morton
Welcome: Jon Niese, Juan Nicasio, Ryan Vogelsong, John Jaso, Neftali Feliz, Matt Joyce, David Freese
Opening Day Lineup
1. John Jaso, 1B
2. Andrew McCutchen, CF
3. David Freese, 3B
4. Starling Marte, LF
5. Francisco Cervelli, C
6. Gregory Polanco, RF
7. Josh Harrison, 2B
8. Jordy Mercer, SS
Starting Rotation: Francisco Liriano, Gerrit Cole, Jon Niese, Jeff Locke, Juan Nicasio
Setup: Tony Watson
Closer: Mark Melancon
The Pirates won 98 games last year. It was the most since 1991. It got them to the Wild Card game where the Jake Arrieta promptly squashed all their hopes and dreams.
Fin.
So now it's 2016 and the Pirates should be ready for another trip to the postseason right? Yeah, probably not. While the rotation still has Liriano and Cole at the top, and the bullpen's one-two punch of Watson and Melancon will shut games down for them no problem, this offense.... eeeehhhh.
Gone are their 3rd and 4th best guys in RBI last year in Pedro Alvarez and Neil Walker. To replace them they got John Jaso and Josh Harrison. Hmmm I'm not thinking the same amount of runs are gonna be driven in by those two. They added David Freese at 3B since Jung Ho Kang's leg isn't quite back to 100% after Chris Coghlan destroyed it last year. Freese wouldn't make most MLB rosters and yet he's the Pirates Opening Day 3B. Also Clint Hurdle is a dullard. The Pirates have made it to the postseason in spite of him. When it push comes to shove he can't manage his way out of a wet paper sack.
So I hope you enjoyed the last couple years Pirates fans, because it's over. You had your chance and missed it. And now your management thinks they can keep winning by slapping together low-rent pieces of trash on this slowly sinking ship. Look me in the eyes and tell me this lineup is better than what you had last year. Yeah. But you did just sign Gregory Polanco long-term. That'll be a nice tradeable contract in two years when you guys are scrapping this team for parts.
Reason to Watch: Gerrit Cole. Dude's has turned into a perennial Cy Young candidate. Good luck next season when he hits his arbitration years. I'm sure Scott Boras will get his guy a fair price.
Fucking white guy dreads! All he needs is some patchouli oil and one of those hooded rug shirts and he's the guy at your corner record store. Good god man. Have some self-respect.
The Fans: They all seem like nice enough people. I feel sorry for them though. Their franchise has bumped it's payroll up to not quite $100 million and still have very little to show for it. Paying 18 shitty to kind of mediocre guys $3 million a year doesn't make your team better. Fucking figure out your finances Pittsburgh and invest in something better.
Their Worst Contract: I'd say paying $8 million for Michael Morse to be awful this season, only the Dodgers are footing that bill. So actually there isn't a really bad contract here, mostly due to them being massive tightwads and not spending any money.
Fantasy Standout: Gerrit Cole. Like I said before, the dude is a stud. That McCutchen guy ain't too bad either.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The part in Flowers for Algernon where Charlie realizes his newfound brilliance is fleeting. Sorry Pittsburgh. Soon enough you'll be back to being a retarded janitor again.
 |
| And you think I'll win a pennant race against that mouse? |
You Make the Call
April 01, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Rick Sutcliffe
or Rick Sutcliffe?
or Rick Sutcliffe?
TMS Team Preview: The 2016 New York Yankees
March 31, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.
Today we head to the Bronx and talk about the Yankees
2015 Finish: 87-75 (2nd Place in AL East)
So Long: Stephen Drew, Chris Young the Outfielder, Andrew Bailey, John Ryan Murphy, Adam Warren, Justin Wilson
Welcome: Aaron Hicks, Starlin Castro, Aroldis Chapman
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
2. Brett Gardner, LF
3. Carlos Beltran, RF
4. Mark Teixeira, 1B
5. Alex Rodriguez, DH
6. Brian McCann, C
7. Chase Headley, 3B
8. Starlin Castro, 2B
9. Didi Gregorius, SS
Starting Rotation: Masahiro Tanaka, Michael Pineda, Luis Severino, Nathan Eovaldi, CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova
Setup: Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller
Closer: Chokey McBangbang
Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Plus you're getting old... Stop it, everybody knows that you've lost it"
-Atmosphere, "Little Man"
The Yankees haven't been bad per se, but they're not all that great either. The past three seasons have been right around 85 wins and just missing the playoffs. The team is full of aging vets locked into massive contracts, so bringing in talent to help has slowed to a trickle. Starlin Castro was their big offseason acquisition. Not terrible by any means, but not exactly the the splashy move the franchise is known for.
So we're back for more of the same in 2016, with everyone a little older and little more broken down. Everyone but Didi and Starlin are over 30. It'll be a miracle if all these guys can reach 120 games let alone more. The pitching staff has some bright spots with Michael Pineda and Luis Severino but also full of question marks with Masahiro Tanaka (elbow?), Nathan Eovaldi (talent?), and CC Sabathia (sobriety?).
Can they win 85 games and make a run at the playoffs again? Sure. But they could also completely fall apart and finish with 75 wins near the bottom of the division. The AL East isn't exactly a cakewalk. You know it's bad when my brother who's been a die-hard Yankee fan since he was a kid in the early 80s even admits, "They're gonna fucking suck." Yankee fans are rarely this pessimistic. Any fan that's insisting they're gonna win the East are just fooling themselves. Like the high school football star that flunked out of college freshman year and shows back up at homecoming to relive the "glory days." Dude, just admit things are over and go work construction already.
Reason To Watch: Luis Severino. Seeing this young of a star on the Yankees these days is a real treat. He looked great in 11 starts last season and is looking to make his mark this year in his first full season. Also the team has let him loose with no restrictions so he could throw 200 innings. Should be fun, at least until he blows his elbow out.
Reason To Drink: CC Sabathia. We have to drink for him because he can't.
The Fans: These people. Look at them. I mean, fucking look at them!
Yeah, no one wants to hang out with these fuckwads.
Their Worst Contract: Most of them. So many guys making well over $20 million a year that no longer actually warrant those prices. The good news is these bloated contracts are over soon. Teixeira and Beltran are off the books after this year. Sabathia has a vesting option in 2017. A-Rod is done after 2017. The Yankees are looking at a much more nimble payroll soon which will allow them to hopefully acquire some younger talent once more and get back to being the most obnoxious franchise in baseball.
Fantasy Standout: No one. A lot of guys are decent, but I'm not going out of my way to draft any of them.
Fantasy Bust: Chase Headley. Fuck this guy. His first full season with the Yankees was garbage and he's not projected to do any better. Sadly the guy they traded to get him in 2014, Yangervis Solarte is a better fantasy option at 3B this year. Not that anyone is drafting Chase Headley anyway.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Transformers sequels. Each year a new one is released it's the same old shit with a monstrous budget. It's old and tired and no one really cares any more.
Today we head to the Bronx and talk about the Yankees
So Long: Stephen Drew, Chris Young the Outfielder, Andrew Bailey, John Ryan Murphy, Adam Warren, Justin Wilson
Welcome: Aaron Hicks, Starlin Castro, Aroldis Chapman
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
2. Brett Gardner, LF
3. Carlos Beltran, RF
4. Mark Teixeira, 1B
5. Alex Rodriguez, DH
6. Brian McCann, C
7. Chase Headley, 3B
8. Starlin Castro, 2B
9. Didi Gregorius, SS
Starting Rotation: Masahiro Tanaka, Michael Pineda, Luis Severino, Nathan Eovaldi, CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova
Setup: Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller
Closer: Chokey McBangbang
Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Plus you're getting old... Stop it, everybody knows that you've lost it"
-Atmosphere, "Little Man"
The Yankees haven't been bad per se, but they're not all that great either. The past three seasons have been right around 85 wins and just missing the playoffs. The team is full of aging vets locked into massive contracts, so bringing in talent to help has slowed to a trickle. Starlin Castro was their big offseason acquisition. Not terrible by any means, but not exactly the the splashy move the franchise is known for.
So we're back for more of the same in 2016, with everyone a little older and little more broken down. Everyone but Didi and Starlin are over 30. It'll be a miracle if all these guys can reach 120 games let alone more. The pitching staff has some bright spots with Michael Pineda and Luis Severino but also full of question marks with Masahiro Tanaka (elbow?), Nathan Eovaldi (talent?), and CC Sabathia (sobriety?).
Can they win 85 games and make a run at the playoffs again? Sure. But they could also completely fall apart and finish with 75 wins near the bottom of the division. The AL East isn't exactly a cakewalk. You know it's bad when my brother who's been a die-hard Yankee fan since he was a kid in the early 80s even admits, "They're gonna fucking suck." Yankee fans are rarely this pessimistic. Any fan that's insisting they're gonna win the East are just fooling themselves. Like the high school football star that flunked out of college freshman year and shows back up at homecoming to relive the "glory days." Dude, just admit things are over and go work construction already.
Reason To Watch: Luis Severino. Seeing this young of a star on the Yankees these days is a real treat. He looked great in 11 starts last season and is looking to make his mark this year in his first full season. Also the team has let him loose with no restrictions so he could throw 200 innings. Should be fun, at least until he blows his elbow out.
The Fans: These people. Look at them. I mean, fucking look at them!
Yeah, no one wants to hang out with these fuckwads.
Their Worst Contract: Most of them. So many guys making well over $20 million a year that no longer actually warrant those prices. The good news is these bloated contracts are over soon. Teixeira and Beltran are off the books after this year. Sabathia has a vesting option in 2017. A-Rod is done after 2017. The Yankees are looking at a much more nimble payroll soon which will allow them to hopefully acquire some younger talent once more and get back to being the most obnoxious franchise in baseball.
Fantasy Standout: No one. A lot of guys are decent, but I'm not going out of my way to draft any of them.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Transformers sequels. Each year a new one is released it's the same old shit with a monstrous budget. It's old and tired and no one really cares any more.
 |
| Aw fuck. Guys, A-Rod's totally juicing again. |
TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Detroit Tigers
March 22, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.
Today we head to the Motor City to visit the Tigers.
2015 Finish: 74-87 (Last Place in AL Central)
So Long: Alex Avila, Rajai Davis, Tom Gorzelanny, Alfredo Simon, Joe Nathan, Neftali Feliz
Welcome: Francisco Rodriguez, Cameron Maybin, Jordan Zimmermann, Mike Pelfrey, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Justin Wilson, Nate Schierholtz, Mike Aviles, John Mayberry, Justin Upton, Bobby Parnell, Casey McGehee
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ian Kinsler, 2B
2. Justin Upton, LF
3. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
4. J.D. Martinez, RF
5. Victor Martinez, DH
6. Nick Castellanos, 3B
7. James McCann, C
8. Jose Iglesias, SS
9. Anthony Gose, CF
Starting Rotation: Jordan Zimmermann, Justin Verlander, Anibal Sanchez, Daniel Norris, Mike Pelfrey
Setup: Justin Wilson
Closer: Francisco Rodriguez
Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Fuck"
-Eminem, one of his songs
After four straight seasons atop the AL Central, the Tigers found themselves in the cellar at the end of 2015. Worse than the Twins, the Indians, and even the god damn White Sox. To say shit fell apart for them is an understatement.
After getting out to a hot start the Tigers quickly fell back to earth with nagging injuries to Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander, and Victor Martinez struggling at the one job he has. Once it looked like they weren't going to make the playoffs Dave Dombrowski made the right move and began selling off pieces. Joakim Soria went to the Pirates. David Price to the Jays. Yoenis Cespedes to the Mets. Dombrowski was of course fired soon after that. Because when your GM who helped you reach 4 straight postseasons gives up and starts trading off parts, he clearly has to go. Seriously, the Red Sox gained a solid general manager this offseason.
So now the Tigers are doing what all aging teams that begin to decline do. They start slapping on big free agent band-aids thinking this will save the slowly sinking ship. And why not? Their owner has one foot in the grave and is ready to spend "Fuck you" money on players. Why not bring in Justin Upton and Jordan Zimmermann? Will it help? I don't know, maybe? The clock is definitely ticking though as the other veterans on this team don't have many impact seasons left. The Tigers have enough in the tank to make a possible postseason run this season and next, but I cringe to think about what the 2021 Tigers are gonna look like. This season is like Studio 54 nearing the end of the disco era. Do one last line of coke and dance your ass off because this shit is closing soon.
Reason To Watch: Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. Both of these guys have been outstanding over the years in Detroit, and while they were hampered with injuries last year, they could have a nice little bounceback in 2016. If healthy, Miggy and Verlander are gonna be fun to watch again.
Reason To Drink: The rotation. Zimmermann and Verlander should be solid, but the rest of this rotation has question marks. Anibal Sanchez has yet to string together 30 starts in a season in Detroit. Daniel Norris does show promise but he's still pretty green. I took a crap today and I'm pretty sure that poop could strikeout more people than Mike Pelfrey can.
The Fans: Magnum P.I. liked the Tigers. That's good enough for me.
Their Worst Contract: Victor Martinez. They signed him to a 4 year/$68 million deal last year, at age 36. He of course thanks them with a .245/.301/.366 slash line and career worsts in most other stats as well. They have him for three more years of this shit and he doesn't play the field.
Fantasy Standout: J.D. Martinez. 27 is typically the age that guys hit their prime and Martinez certainly proved that, with an impressive year hitting 38 homers and driving in 102. Put him next to a healthy Miggy and he'll be a top fantasy OF yet again.
Fantasy Bust: Rajai Davis. He's old and not stealing any more. He's also not on the Tigers. Why did you fucking draft him?
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: When a sitcom adds a pregnancy story arc to boost ratings. It might work for a bit but this bullshit is getting canceled in another couple seasons anyway.
Today we head to the Motor City to visit the Tigers.
 |
| Rookie hazing rituals never got as bad as Johnny's signature "Grubb Rubb" which left three players hospitalized and one blinded permanently in 1983. |
So Long: Alex Avila, Rajai Davis, Tom Gorzelanny, Alfredo Simon, Joe Nathan, Neftali Feliz
Welcome: Francisco Rodriguez, Cameron Maybin, Jordan Zimmermann, Mike Pelfrey, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Justin Wilson, Nate Schierholtz, Mike Aviles, John Mayberry, Justin Upton, Bobby Parnell, Casey McGehee
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ian Kinsler, 2B
2. Justin Upton, LF
3. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
4. J.D. Martinez, RF
5. Victor Martinez, DH
6. Nick Castellanos, 3B
7. James McCann, C
8. Jose Iglesias, SS
9. Anthony Gose, CF
Starting Rotation: Jordan Zimmermann, Justin Verlander, Anibal Sanchez, Daniel Norris, Mike Pelfrey
Setup: Justin Wilson
Closer: Francisco Rodriguez
Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"Fuck"
-Eminem, one of his songs
After four straight seasons atop the AL Central, the Tigers found themselves in the cellar at the end of 2015. Worse than the Twins, the Indians, and even the god damn White Sox. To say shit fell apart for them is an understatement.
After getting out to a hot start the Tigers quickly fell back to earth with nagging injuries to Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander, and Victor Martinez struggling at the one job he has. Once it looked like they weren't going to make the playoffs Dave Dombrowski made the right move and began selling off pieces. Joakim Soria went to the Pirates. David Price to the Jays. Yoenis Cespedes to the Mets. Dombrowski was of course fired soon after that. Because when your GM who helped you reach 4 straight postseasons gives up and starts trading off parts, he clearly has to go. Seriously, the Red Sox gained a solid general manager this offseason.
So now the Tigers are doing what all aging teams that begin to decline do. They start slapping on big free agent band-aids thinking this will save the slowly sinking ship. And why not? Their owner has one foot in the grave and is ready to spend "Fuck you" money on players. Why not bring in Justin Upton and Jordan Zimmermann? Will it help? I don't know, maybe? The clock is definitely ticking though as the other veterans on this team don't have many impact seasons left. The Tigers have enough in the tank to make a possible postseason run this season and next, but I cringe to think about what the 2021 Tigers are gonna look like. This season is like Studio 54 nearing the end of the disco era. Do one last line of coke and dance your ass off because this shit is closing soon.
Reason To Watch: Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. Both of these guys have been outstanding over the years in Detroit, and while they were hampered with injuries last year, they could have a nice little bounceback in 2016. If healthy, Miggy and Verlander are gonna be fun to watch again.
 |
| Miggy gives no fucks on where you pitch the ball. |
The Fans: Magnum P.I. liked the Tigers. That's good enough for me.
Their Worst Contract: Victor Martinez. They signed him to a 4 year/$68 million deal last year, at age 36. He of course thanks them with a .245/.301/.366 slash line and career worsts in most other stats as well. They have him for three more years of this shit and he doesn't play the field.
Fantasy Standout: J.D. Martinez. 27 is typically the age that guys hit their prime and Martinez certainly proved that, with an impressive year hitting 38 homers and driving in 102. Put him next to a healthy Miggy and he'll be a top fantasy OF yet again.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: When a sitcom adds a pregnancy story arc to boost ratings. It might work for a bit but this bullshit is getting canceled in another couple seasons anyway.
 |
| How did Jordan Zimmermann get so much older after just one season? |
Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 3
March 16, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Welcome back for Part 3 of our comprehensive report cards of the March Madness underdogs. We tackled the 12 seeds and the 13 seeds. Now we wade into darker waters to talk about the 14 seeds. It'll be ok guys. I'm grading you here, not Governor X. I know his grading curve is a bit tough. Like the stodgy professor in the movies that's a bit of a hard ass, and then you bring a homeless Joe Pesci to class and homeless Joe Pesci gives a passionate speech about the Constitution or something and everyone claps and the professor looks kind of stupid and we're all supposed to have learned something from it and I forget what else happens.
As before we will be grading on the following criteria.
Also homeless Joe Pesci dies at the end. SPOILER!
As before we will be grading on the following criteria.
- Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
- Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
- Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
- Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
- Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
- Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
- Elevation Above Sea Level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.
Also homeless Joe Pesci dies at the end. SPOILER!
Buffalo
Where the fuck is this?
Buffalo, New York. Representing the MAC.
1. Nickname - Bulls. This is just confusing. You have an animal in your school name already and then you pick a similar sounding one that is one letter away from your NFL team? I know the alliteration thing is cool and all but I feel like someone could've tried harder here, or even tried at all. D+
2. Notable Alumni - Charles Mingus. Don't get much cooler than that. A
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - My sources say there are black bears in the surrounding areas of Buffalo. One might wander into town but if they're wearing a pair of Zubaz pants and a Jim Kelly jersey no one will probably notice or care. C+
4. Resume Prestige - Some quick reading suggests Buffalo is a pretty legit college and a major research university. It even boasts a president as an alum. Bummer that it's Millard Fillmore though. B+
5. Proximity To My House - About 11 and a half hours to drive it, with a large chunk of the drive through shitass Indiana and Ohio. C
6. Name Brevity - This is one of those State University of New York bullshit things. Bravo on cutting out all the crap and just going with Buffalo here. I don't need you spouting off that long ass name. I'm already onto my next basket of wings and 4th can of Molson, and I forgot what the fuck I even asked you. B+
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 600 feet. Not bad. Actually yes it is bad. F
FINAL GPA: 2.31
Green Bay
Where the fuck is this?
Green Bay, Wisconsin. They play in the Horizon League which sounds like it'd be a bunch of massage schools.
1. Nickname - Phoenix. Well it's different, I'll give them that. A giant bird made of fire is kind of bad ass I suppose. Yeah, I think I'm ok with th- WAIT your mascot's name is spelled Phlash? C-
2. Notable Alumni - Tony Shalhoub went there but didn't graduate. This is the literal opposite of having Charles Mingus as an alum. F
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Well you're not looking good out of the gate here Green Bay but you aced the final here. Northern Wisconsin is a prime "bearea." B+
4. Resume Prestige - You major in ice fishing? D+
5. Proximity To My House - I can easily get there in my car in under 4 hours. But I won't go, and you can't fucking make me! B+
6. Name Brevity - You followed the same path as some of the other schools covered so far in dropping the excessive bullshit and just going with "Green Bay." Nice job but I see that logo and just think you're a shitty minor league hockey team. B+
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 581 feet. But the water flows from here past Buffalo. How can it be 19 feet lower? Eh who cares. F
FINAL GPA: 1.84
Stephen F. Austin
Where the fuck is this?
Nacogdoches, Texas. Yeee-fucking-haw. In the Southland Conference.
1. Nickname - Lumberjacks. Really? You're named after a founding father of Texas and have the state in your god damn logo but you're the lumberjacks? Does Texas even have trees?
Well apparently they do and the forestry industry is a big thing in the area. Thanks Wikipedia. It doesn't help your grade here though. C+
2. Notable Alumni - Don Henley. Man I hate the Eagles, but it's still better than Tony Shalhoub stopping by to take a shit. D-
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Not too far from the prime bearea in Arkansas but no bears to be found around Nacogdoches. D
4. Resume Prestige - If you were applying to work for some crazy Texas secessionist he'd probably love you. Unfortunately I'm not sure how the other 99% of employers would feel. C
5. Proximity To My House - About 15 hours in my car. C-
6. Name Brevity - There's no good way to say this name. You start rattling off "Stephen F." and by they time you get to "Austin" I've regretted asking. Just say you went to Austin Peay instead. It's quicker and no one outside of those two schools gives a fuck anyway. D-
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 302 feet. You know, University of Wyoming is over 7000 feet. Maybe you assholes could aspire to be more like them. F
FINAL GPA: 1.2
Fresno State
Where the fuck is this?
Fresno, California. Mountain West Conference
1. Nickname - Bulldogs. God dammit with your fucking bulldogs. Let's see, I gave Yale a C- for theirs so I guess... D+
2. Notable Alumni - Former Lieutenant Governor of California Cruz Bustamante. C
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Fresno is in the San Joaquin Valley. There are no bears here. There's also no hope. At least it's not Stockton I suppose. D
4. Resume Prestige - I guess you can aim as high as lieutenant governor. C+
5. Proximity To My House - 29 hours by car. Fuuuuuuuuck that. F
6. Name Brevity - Just saying the word "Fresno" is depressing. I believe it's Spanish for "failed dreams." I suppose it's short enough, even if you die a little inside every time you say it. B-
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 308 feet. Maybe move your shit to the mountains where the bears live. F
FINAL GPA: 1.33
Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 1
March 14, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
The NCAA Tournament is upon us and now everywhere folks are working feverishly to fill out their brackets. You will spend more time and effort on that lame ass office pool than you probably will on that report you were supposed to have ready last week, but that's neither here nor there. What you want to know is, what schools are most primed to pull off the upset? A 12 knocking off a 5 seed. A 13 shocking a 4. Hell maybe we'll even get a 14 or 15 seed pulling off the rare stunner. And what if, just what if a lowly 16 did the impossible and- .... nah let's not push our luck here.
I'm here today to take a closer look at these underdog schools in the 12 through 16 seeds and grade them on various strengths and weaknesses. Will this help you in filling out your bracket? Not a fucking chance!
No I'm gonna be grading completely arbitrary bullshit for each school and giving you a well-rounded but totally pointless assessment of them. Each school will be graded on the following
For the first part of this series I will be grading the 12 seeds.
Where the fuck is this?
Brookings, South Dakota. They play in the Summit League.
1. Nickname - Jackrabbits. It's not exactly an intimidating nickname but I give them points for not being your generic Tiger or Bulldog. According to Wikipedia jackrabbits were a common game animal in pioneer times but their extremely lean meat made it a "poor choice as a survival food." Oh holy shit there's a whole other article on "Rabbit starvation." C+
I'm here today to take a closer look at these underdog schools in the 12 through 16 seeds and grade them on various strengths and weaknesses. Will this help you in filling out your bracket? Not a fucking chance!
No I'm gonna be grading completely arbitrary bullshit for each school and giving you a well-rounded but totally pointless assessment of them. Each school will be graded on the following
- Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
- Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
- Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
- Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
- Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
- Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
- Elevation above sea level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.
For the first part of this series I will be grading the 12 seeds.
The 12 Seeds
South Dakota State
Where the fuck is this? 
Brookings, South Dakota. They play in the Summit League.
1. Nickname - Jackrabbits. It's not exactly an intimidating nickname but I give them points for not being your generic Tiger or Bulldog. According to Wikipedia jackrabbits were a common game animal in pioneer times but their extremely lean meat made it a "poor choice as a survival food." Oh holy shit there's a whole other article on "Rabbit starvation." C+
2. Notable Alumni - Adam Vinatieri. A pretty well known NFL kicker, but a kicker nonetheless. C+
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Brookings is on the east edge of the state and while I'm sure a rogue black bear may roam down that way, my sources say it's a pretty bear-free area. F
4. Resume Prestige - It's apparently one of the top research universities in the Midwest so I'm sure it doesn't look too shabby on the ol' resume. Plus they claim to have invented Cookies and Cream ice cream. I feel like 18 other schools claim that too though. B
5. Proximity To My House - Google Maps says it would take close to 7 hours for me to drive there. I bet I could do it in 6. B-
6. Name Brevity - 3 words, 5 syllables. It's borderline wordy but still not a hassle. Abbreviating it to SDSU isn't a time saver and you run the risk of having assholes think you mean San Diego State instead, and nobody wants to be compared to those shitheads. C+
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - Approximately 1,621 feet. That's barely passing Jackrabbits. D-
FINAL GPA: 1.9
Yale
Where the fuck is this?
New Haven, Connecticut. An Ivy League school.
1. Nickname - Bulldogs. Boring. There's like 76 schools with that nickname. You do have an edge over some of your other Ivy counterparts that just have a god damn color for a nickname. C-
New Haven, Connecticut. An Ivy League school.
1. Nickname - Bulldogs. Boring. There's like 76 schools with that nickname. You do have an edge over some of your other Ivy counterparts that just have a god damn color for a nickname. C-
2. Notable Alumni - Well shit. There's a laundry list a mile long here. I'll go with Paul Newman though. He always seemed like a pretty awesome guy and "Cool Hand Luke" is a great movie. A
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - The black bear does have habitat in the upper northern reaches of Connecticut. C-
4. Resume Prestige - It's Yale jackass. People fake having gone there just to look better. A
5. Proximity To My House - Close to 17 hours in the car. That's rough but I have drove that in a day. It passes, barely. D
6. Name Brevity - It's four god damn letters. Can't get much better than that. A-
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 59 feet. Dang and you were doing so well! F
FINAL GPA: 2.3
Chattanooga
Where the fuck is this?
Chattanooga, Tennessee obviously. They play in the Southern Conference or SoCon.
1. Nickname - Mocs. This was shortened from "Moccasins." Was this an insensitive name or something? I just think of the hippy slippers people wear but maybe there's more to it. Supposedly the shortened version also refers to the mockingbird which is Tennessee's state bird. It could also be confused with this guy. D+
Chattanooga, Tennessee obviously. They play in the Southern Conference or SoCon.
1. Nickname - Mocs. This was shortened from "Moccasins." Was this an insensitive name or something? I just think of the hippy slippers people wear but maybe there's more to it. Supposedly the shortened version also refers to the mockingbird which is Tennessee's state bird. It could also be confused with this guy. D+
2. Notable Alumni - Dennis Haskins. Yep, Mr. Belding himself is a Moc. B+
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Yeah, they're close to some prime black bear territory. B-
4. Resume Prestige - Jeez, I don't know. To get a better answer I deferred to fellow bartender and University of Tennessee alum Shooter Muldoon:
"I mean, I guess it's maybe the 4th best institution in the state, and it's not Massachusetts or California. It's not a bad school though."Sounds like a slightly above average endorsement to me. C+
5. Proximity To My House - Like an 11 and a half hour drive. Probably closer to 12 when you factor in all the stops at fireworks stores and Waffle Houses. C
6. Name Brevity - It's one word but it's 4 syllables. They did shorten it from Tennessee-Chattanooga so that's a bonus. Also if people there don't call it "The Noog" they should. B-
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 676 feet. I'm disappointed. F
FINAL GPA: 2.04
Arkansas-Little Rock
Where the fuck is this?
Even more explanatory than the previous school. They're in the powerhouse known as the Sun Belt.
1. Nickname - Trojans. Any nickname that makes me think of USC is not one I care for. D+
Even more explanatory than the previous school. They're in the powerhouse known as the Sun Belt.
1. Nickname - Trojans. Any nickname that makes me think of USC is not one I care for. D+
2. Notable Alumni - Derek Fisher. I can't decide if this is better or worse than Adam Vinatieri. Better just play it safe and grade it the same. C+
3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - There are black bears in Arkansas but mostly in the northwest part of the state. Little Rock is in the center. C+
4. Resume Prestige - It is Arkansas for starters and it's not even the main Arkansas school. If you're hyphenated there's probably always a better version elsewhere. C-
5. Proximity To My House - About an 11 hour drive. C
6. Name Brevity - Maybe take a page from The Noog and drop the Arkansas? Hyphenated schools are a hassle. D+
7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 335 feet. F
FINAL GPA: 1.56 - Maybe consider trade school instead?
TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Minnesota Twins
March 09, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.
Today we look at the Twins
2015 Finish: 83-79 (2nd Place in AL Central)
So Long: Neal Cotts, Brian Duensing, Torii Hunter, Mike Pelfrey, Aaron Hicks
Welcome: John Ryan Murphy, Ryan Sweeney, Carlos Quentin
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Byron Buxton, CF
2. Brian Dozier, 2B
3. Joe Mauer, 1B
4. Miguel Sano, LF
5. Trevor Plouffe, 3B
6. Byung-Ho Park, DH
7. Eddie Rosario, RF
8. Kurt Suzuki, C
9. Eduardo Escobar, SS
Starting Rotation: Phil Hughes, Ervin Santana, Kyle Gibson, Ricky Nolasco, Tyler Duffey
Setup: Kevin Jepsen, Michael Tonkin
Closer: Glen Perkins
Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"If you're tired of the masturbator/Come on over 2 my neighborhood/We can jump in the sack and I'll jack U off"
-Prince, Jack U Off
If it hasn't become obvious yet, I'm terrible at finding rap lyrics for this shit. Prince is from Minnesota and his filthy ass lyrics always seem like a fun juxtaposition to the overall wholesome nature of the state. So there you go.
The Twins really had no business finishing the AL Central in second place last year. Yet there they were, actually vying for a Wild Card spot late in the season. Gone is Torii Hunter who seemed to be a pretty big leader in the clubhouse last year. We'll see if his absence will have a big impact on the young players or not. Joe Mauer is still around though and largely forgotten about in the other 49 states. Two of their longtime hot prospects Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano should start the season with the club and look to make big strides in the majors.
The pitching staff is about as bland as you get. From Phil Hughes to Kyle Gibson to other non-descript caucasian I can't remember. None of them are big time strikeout artists. I'm not saying you need to have a team full of Kershaws to win but it helps to have ANYONE that could maybe post a K/9 north of 6. But man it'll be something to watch these guys pitch to contact huh?
Reason To Watch: Miguel Sano's bat. This kid has legit power and if he can settle in at the major league level he will be a real treat to watch on offense.
Reason To Drink: Miguel Sano's glove. From what I've gathered, Sano has bricks for hands apparently. While DH is always an option I'm sure the Twins would like to have a little more positional flexibility on their hands here. With big Korean import Byung Ho Park on board as well, Molitor will have to do a bit of lineup juggling to get Sano's bat in there without causing a massive defensive liability.
The Fans: I don't know. They're probably pretty good people and come April most of the ice has melted up there so they won't be ice fishing. You know what I like about you Minnesotans though? Grain Belt beer. That's some good stuff.
Their Worst Contract: Joe Mauer. Well, this is by default as he's the only player on the team with an actual contract. The rest of the roster are unpaid interns or have been funded through Kickstarter or other crowdsourcing ventures.
Fantasy Standout: Prince. He can play like 25 instruments!
Fantasy Bust: Any Twins pitcher. Just stay away. None of them are gonna win a lot of games and they strike out no one. Also you can't tell them apart except for Ervin Santana. Is that racist? That kind of sounds racist.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Kenny Loggins. Completely non-offensive and there's at least one song of his you probably like. Like the Twins, can anyone really HATE Kenny Loggins?
Today we look at the Twins
 |
| Keeping it trim fellas! |
So Long: Neal Cotts, Brian Duensing, Torii Hunter, Mike Pelfrey, Aaron Hicks
Welcome: John Ryan Murphy, Ryan Sweeney, Carlos Quentin
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Byron Buxton, CF
2. Brian Dozier, 2B
3. Joe Mauer, 1B
4. Miguel Sano, LF
5. Trevor Plouffe, 3B
6. Byung-Ho Park, DH
7. Eddie Rosario, RF
8. Kurt Suzuki, C
9. Eduardo Escobar, SS
Starting Rotation: Phil Hughes, Ervin Santana, Kyle Gibson, Ricky Nolasco, Tyler Duffey
Setup: Kevin Jepsen, Michael Tonkin
Closer: Glen Perkins
Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"If you're tired of the masturbator/Come on over 2 my neighborhood/We can jump in the sack and I'll jack U off"
-Prince, Jack U Off
If it hasn't become obvious yet, I'm terrible at finding rap lyrics for this shit. Prince is from Minnesota and his filthy ass lyrics always seem like a fun juxtaposition to the overall wholesome nature of the state. So there you go.
The Twins really had no business finishing the AL Central in second place last year. Yet there they were, actually vying for a Wild Card spot late in the season. Gone is Torii Hunter who seemed to be a pretty big leader in the clubhouse last year. We'll see if his absence will have a big impact on the young players or not. Joe Mauer is still around though and largely forgotten about in the other 49 states. Two of their longtime hot prospects Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano should start the season with the club and look to make big strides in the majors.
The pitching staff is about as bland as you get. From Phil Hughes to Kyle Gibson to other non-descript caucasian I can't remember. None of them are big time strikeout artists. I'm not saying you need to have a team full of Kershaws to win but it helps to have ANYONE that could maybe post a K/9 north of 6. But man it'll be something to watch these guys pitch to contact huh?
Reason To Watch: Miguel Sano's bat. This kid has legit power and if he can settle in at the major league level he will be a real treat to watch on offense.
Reason To Drink: Miguel Sano's glove. From what I've gathered, Sano has bricks for hands apparently. While DH is always an option I'm sure the Twins would like to have a little more positional flexibility on their hands here. With big Korean import Byung Ho Park on board as well, Molitor will have to do a bit of lineup juggling to get Sano's bat in there without causing a massive defensive liability.
The Fans: I don't know. They're probably pretty good people and come April most of the ice has melted up there so they won't be ice fishing. You know what I like about you Minnesotans though? Grain Belt beer. That's some good stuff.
Their Worst Contract: Joe Mauer. Well, this is by default as he's the only player on the team with an actual contract. The rest of the roster are unpaid interns or have been funded through Kickstarter or other crowdsourcing ventures.
Fantasy Standout: Prince. He can play like 25 instruments!
 |
| I only read Hustler for the Bukowski pieces... |
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Kenny Loggins. Completely non-offensive and there's at least one song of his you probably like. Like the Twins, can anyone really HATE Kenny Loggins?
 |
| Keep that fire going Kenny. You fucking keep it going! |
7 Ballplayers With Insightful Twitter Handles
March 08, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Thanks to social media, fans today have more access to their favorite baseball players than ever before. One of the preferred platforms for many players is Twitter. In 140 characters or less, they can interact with fans on a regular basis and make them feel like they're a bigger part of the game. But did you know some players have become rather creative when making their Twitter handles? The following 7 guys have some of the most interesting handles we've seen that offer a little more insight into their lives.
When he's not being a utility infielder, Omar Infante is a master whittler. "He's really quite good," says Royals manager Ned Yost. "He's made me two walking canes and a nice pair of salt and pepper shakers." In fact, in his native Venezuela, Omar has received two presidential medals of honor for his whittling. While taking his knives on road trips can be a security issue, the officials at Kauffman Stadium turn a blind eye to his woodcarving blades. As teammate Lorenzo Cain tells us, "He's just gonna whittle man. He ain't gonna shank nobody."
Poor Dustin. No matter how hard he works and how many successes he's had in the big leagues, folks still confuse him with his twin brother Brustin. "Just the other day I was out to lunch and had two people come up for my autograph," Dustin explains. "I of course have to immediately point out that I'm not my world famous LARP champion brother Brustin. Only about a quarter of the folks still want the autograph after that."
I bet you thought polio was all but eradicated in this country. Well not only are you wrong, it turns out one of the biggest players in baseball had it his rookie season. "It was a real bummer to get called up at 19 and find out you have polio," says Trout. "At least I got better and won Rookie of the Year the next season, so it's all good."
You may know that former Cub and current Rockies second baseman D.J. LeMahieu won a Gold Glove in 2014. But what you probably didn't know was that D.J. plays with absolutely no bones. Born without a skeleton, D.J.'s parents were told he wouldn't probably live any more than a few days let alone become a major league ballplayer. Yet here he is. Having defied the odds he's out there making plays in the field with his goopy gelatinous body, inspiring folks everywhere.
As Evan puts it, "I'm not ashamed of who my dad is. He's a great guy. Even if half of him is a horse." Longoria even spearheaded an effort to get more centaur-accessible facilities at Tropicana Field in 2013 and is currently working with Major League Baseball to get the other 29 stadiums to follow suit. Way to go Evan!
While most serial killers try to keep a low profile, Mat Latos isn't exactly hiding his devilish crimes very well. Way to keep it real Mat!
1. Dan Haren - @ithrow88
Seems like every new pitcher to emerge these days is a fireballer. Guys throwing in the mid-to-upper 90s. Some even topping out at 100. Recently retired Cubs pitcher Dan Haren however was not one of them and his handle let's you know.
2. Omar Infante - @kingofwhittling
When he's not being a utility infielder, Omar Infante is a master whittler. "He's really quite good," says Royals manager Ned Yost. "He's made me two walking canes and a nice pair of salt and pepper shakers." In fact, in his native Venezuela, Omar has received two presidential medals of honor for his whittling. While taking his knives on road trips can be a security issue, the officials at Kauffman Stadium turn a blind eye to his woodcarving blades. As teammate Lorenzo Cain tells us, "He's just gonna whittle man. He ain't gonna shank nobody."
3. Dustin Pedroia - @NotBrustinPedroia
Poor Dustin. No matter how hard he works and how many successes he's had in the big leagues, folks still confuse him with his twin brother Brustin. "Just the other day I was out to lunch and had two people come up for my autograph," Dustin explains. "I of course have to immediately point out that I'm not my world famous LARP champion brother Brustin. Only about a quarter of the folks still want the autograph after that."
4. Mike Trout - @poliosurvivor27
I bet you thought polio was all but eradicated in this country. Well not only are you wrong, it turns out one of the biggest players in baseball had it his rookie season. "It was a real bummer to get called up at 19 and find out you have polio," says Trout. "At least I got better and won Rookie of the Year the next season, so it's all good."
5. D.J. LeMahieu - @lildaveynobones
You may know that former Cub and current Rockies second baseman D.J. LeMahieu won a Gold Glove in 2014. But what you probably didn't know was that D.J. plays with absolutely no bones. Born without a skeleton, D.J.'s parents were told he wouldn't probably live any more than a few days let alone become a major league ballplayer. Yet here he is. Having defied the odds he's out there making plays in the field with his goopy gelatinous body, inspiring folks everywhere.
6. Evan Longoria - @sonofacentaur
As Evan puts it, "I'm not ashamed of who my dad is. He's a great guy. Even if half of him is a horse." Longoria even spearheaded an effort to get more centaur-accessible facilities at Tropicana Field in 2013 and is currently working with Major League Baseball to get the other 29 stadiums to follow suit. Way to go Evan!
7. Mat Latos - @theREALgreenriverkiller
While most serial killers try to keep a low profile, Mat Latos isn't exactly hiding his devilish crimes very well. Way to keep it real Mat!
TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Cincinnati Reds
March 02, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.
Today we look at the trash fire that is the Cincinnati Reds.
2015 Finish: 64-98 (Last Place in NL Central)
So Long: Sean Marshall, Skip Schumaker, Brennan Boesch, Todd Frazier, Aroldis Chapman
Welcome: Jose Peraza, Scott Schebler, crippling depression
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Zack Cozart SS
2. Joey Votto, 1B
3. Brandon Phillips 2B
4. Devin Mesoraco C
5. Jay Bruce RF
6. Eugenio Suarez 3B
7. Scott Schebler LF
8. Billy Hamilton CF
Starting Rotation: Anthony DeSclafani, Raisel Iglesias, Michael Lorenzen, Brandon Finnegan, Homer Bailey (Injured, back in May)
Setup: Jumbo Diaz
Closer: J.J. Hoover
I hate the god damn Reds. I take great joy in seeing them be miserable. So imagine my glee last season when they finished dead last in the NL Central. Even the fucking Brewers were better than them, but that's another story for tomorrow. 64-98 marked their worst finish since 1982. When the highlight of your season is Todd Frazier at the Home Run Derby you know there's a problem.
So now what? Only one way to go but up right? Well...
If 2015 wound up being disaster, strap in for 2016 because it's gonna be worse. The Reds lost 4 of their top 6 WAR guys from last season and the only main players they brought in are rookies and prospects. Todd Frazier is gone, as is Cueto and Leake who were traded last season. So now you have Eugenio Suarez at 3B and a rotation led by Anthony DeSclafani and Raisel Iglesias, who both do have some promise, but are far from polished yet. Good news though, you couldn't trade Brandon Phillips! I'm sure Walt Jocketty has a rebuilding plan in place. Like the Cubs a couple seasons ago, it's just going to be atrocious to watch for a while, and I'm going to revel in it.
Reason To Watch: None. I can't think of a single reason to watch this bullshit. The only good player they have is Big Canadian Asshole Joey Votto and fans can't even appreciate him properly. "HE'S GOTTA STOP WALKING AND HIT MORE!" Fuck you. The man is an on-base phenomenon that still hits for a .300+ average. Maybe worry more about your super fast outfielder getting on base so he can actually do what he's good at. You can't steal first Billy! Anyway my point is, Joey Votto is a piece of shit but good at baseball and you guys need to enjoy him while he's still there.
Reason To Drink: Well if you're a Cincy fan you're probably on crystal meth, but holy shit this bullpen. Now that Chokey McBangBang has been traded to the Yankees the closer job has been handed off to J.J. Hoover who is qualified simply because he's been there for a while. It's like the dude who's worked at Arby's for 6 years and just gets handed assistant manager simply because everyone else has been there for only 7 months. If he fails they could give the job to Jumbo Diaz who at least is better in the "interesting backstory" category. Dude was in the minors for 13 years before getting the call up in 2014. He's the Dominican Bobby Scales. So that's something, I guess.
The Fans: Buncha fucking CHUDs that eat chili on spaghetti. No one wants to hear about the Big Red Machine you asshole. I guess you can talk about the Nasty Boys though. They were cool. And Chris Sabo's goggles. Actually I'm kind of OK with the whole 1990 Reds minus Nazi sympathizer Marge Schott. Barry Larkin was legit too. So yeah, if you wanna talk about one very specific sliver of time regarding the Reds I'll listen. Otherwise fuck off.
Their Worst Contract: Joey Votto is signed on until the Rapture. He's getting $20 million this season, then he'll get $22 million in 2017. Then in 2018, the fifth year in a TEN YEAR CONTRACT, when he'll be 34 years old, Joey gets $25 million. And he gets $25 million the year after that, and the year after that, and they year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that. In 2024 he has a $20 million club option. He'll be 40 years old. After that he'll be encased in amber and put on display behind the right field stands. Pete Rose will be signing autographs for $20 at a card table next to it.
Fantasy Standout: Joey Votto. Without a doubt. If you play in an OBP league his value skyrockets. I hate the guy and I think he's a prick but that's not stopping me from putting him on my roster. If he can stay healthy he'll put up decent numbers, even if his surrounding cast is a massive garbage fart.
Fantasy Bust: Billy Hamilton. Look, I realize stolen bases are at a premium now more than ever. But is drafting him at the round or price he's going for really worth it? There's other guys that can steal plenty of bases for you that won't light your AVG on fire and may even help out in other categories. The dude had a .563 OPS last year and can't even be relied on in the leadoff spot. Pass.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 6 of "According to Jim". Why the fuck did you start watching this to begin with? Why are you STILL watching it? You're a terrible person and you should feel bad.
Today we look at the trash fire that is the Cincinnati Reds.
 |
| Some shit you can't unsee. |
So Long: Sean Marshall, Skip Schumaker, Brennan Boesch, Todd Frazier, Aroldis Chapman
Welcome: Jose Peraza, Scott Schebler, crippling depression
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Zack Cozart SS
2. Joey Votto, 1B
3. Brandon Phillips 2B
4. Devin Mesoraco C
5. Jay Bruce RF
6. Eugenio Suarez 3B
7. Scott Schebler LF
8. Billy Hamilton CF
Starting Rotation: Anthony DeSclafani, Raisel Iglesias, Michael Lorenzen, Brandon Finnegan, Homer Bailey (Injured, back in May)
Setup: Jumbo Diaz
Closer: J.J. Hoover
I hate the god damn Reds. I take great joy in seeing them be miserable. So imagine my glee last season when they finished dead last in the NL Central. Even the fucking Brewers were better than them, but that's another story for tomorrow. 64-98 marked their worst finish since 1982. When the highlight of your season is Todd Frazier at the Home Run Derby you know there's a problem.
So now what? Only one way to go but up right? Well...
If 2015 wound up being disaster, strap in for 2016 because it's gonna be worse. The Reds lost 4 of their top 6 WAR guys from last season and the only main players they brought in are rookies and prospects. Todd Frazier is gone, as is Cueto and Leake who were traded last season. So now you have Eugenio Suarez at 3B and a rotation led by Anthony DeSclafani and Raisel Iglesias, who both do have some promise, but are far from polished yet. Good news though, you couldn't trade Brandon Phillips! I'm sure Walt Jocketty has a rebuilding plan in place. Like the Cubs a couple seasons ago, it's just going to be atrocious to watch for a while, and I'm going to revel in it.
 |
| The Reds 2015 Season in Brief. |
Reason To Drink: Well if you're a Cincy fan you're probably on crystal meth, but holy shit this bullpen. Now that Chokey McBangBang has been traded to the Yankees the closer job has been handed off to J.J. Hoover who is qualified simply because he's been there for a while. It's like the dude who's worked at Arby's for 6 years and just gets handed assistant manager simply because everyone else has been there for only 7 months. If he fails they could give the job to Jumbo Diaz who at least is better in the "interesting backstory" category. Dude was in the minors for 13 years before getting the call up in 2014. He's the Dominican Bobby Scales. So that's something, I guess.
The Fans: Buncha fucking CHUDs that eat chili on spaghetti. No one wants to hear about the Big Red Machine you asshole. I guess you can talk about the Nasty Boys though. They were cool. And Chris Sabo's goggles. Actually I'm kind of OK with the whole 1990 Reds minus Nazi sympathizer Marge Schott. Barry Larkin was legit too. So yeah, if you wanna talk about one very specific sliver of time regarding the Reds I'll listen. Otherwise fuck off.
Their Worst Contract: Joey Votto is signed on until the Rapture. He's getting $20 million this season, then he'll get $22 million in 2017. Then in 2018, the fifth year in a TEN YEAR CONTRACT, when he'll be 34 years old, Joey gets $25 million. And he gets $25 million the year after that, and the year after that, and they year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that. In 2024 he has a $20 million club option. He'll be 40 years old. After that he'll be encased in amber and put on display behind the right field stands. Pete Rose will be signing autographs for $20 at a card table next to it.
Fantasy Standout: Joey Votto. Without a doubt. If you play in an OBP league his value skyrockets. I hate the guy and I think he's a prick but that's not stopping me from putting him on my roster. If he can stay healthy he'll put up decent numbers, even if his surrounding cast is a massive garbage fart.
Fantasy Bust: Billy Hamilton. Look, I realize stolen bases are at a premium now more than ever. But is drafting him at the round or price he's going for really worth it? There's other guys that can steal plenty of bases for you that won't light your AVG on fire and may even help out in other categories. The dude had a .563 OPS last year and can't even be relied on in the leadoff spot. Pass.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 6 of "According to Jim". Why the fuck did you start watching this to begin with? Why are you STILL watching it? You're a terrible person and you should feel bad.
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| NO. |
