Bartender Banter: Pub Crawl Edition

No Friday Bar Rag this week.  Instead I'm too busy resting my liver for tomorrow's big event.  I will be heading to Chicago for the 4th Annual Wasting Away in Wrigleyville Pub Crawl.  9 innings, 9 bars, no mercy.  I'll be joining John and Steve from WAIW along with fellow TMS bartenders from past and present including Mr. Funk and White Chili, and whole cast of ragtag misfits for what's surely going to be an event I'll not remember.

And to share with you, our dear readers numbering in the tens, I plan to video document this event.  Armed with a beer, my iPhone and a childlike sense of wonderment I will film our descent into madness, one bar at a time.  Then historians can some day piece together the events of that day and perhaps shed light on what exactly happened.  It'll be like Cloverfield but with fewer alien monsters and a lot more Malort.

Also, I made a map for the event!

It's a long hard journey, and some of you may perish along the way.

"Wrigleyville" Bar Project: The Long Room

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: The Long Room, 1612 W. Irving Park (Look, I don't actually drink in Wrigleyville proper very often folks. You'll have to bear with me).

Website: http://www.longroomchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 2 (it would have been even lower, but there was a really shrill voiced girl that had trouble deciding what beer to get).

Who You’ll See Here: Mostly neighborhood folks. Decent mix of humanity. The Tamale Man.

What to Order: They have a pretty large beer selection here, as well as some decent specials. The prices seem about average-to-low for Chicago on most items. I had a couple of La Fin Du Mondes (one of my favorite beers) at 6 bucks apiece, followed by a Schlitz for 3. The kicker though was closing out with a Laphroaig Islay Malt Scotch for only 8 bucks (which is very decent for ordering that at a bar).

But really, what you need to bring your money for are the TAMALES. More on that later.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: I'm just going to say Harry Dean Stanton. It seems like his kind of place. Not sure why. Just go with it.

Summary: The Long Room was a pretty low-key, very relaxed place when I visited it last night. Nice atmosphere, and so unpretentious that Chaim Witz would probably burst into flames if he crossed the threshold.

The bar is aptly named, as it runs narrowly down the length of its building. There is an outdoor porch in the back that I didn't see much of, but I can assume is nice. There's a photobooth in the back if you like wasting money, and a good amount of regular "seating" booths (I hate sitting at regular tables in bars). And get this: it has parking for customers.

Again, there were a lot of beers available (enough that I panicked and went to a go-to beer to start), and what seemed like a pretty good liquor selection as well.

But what makes it for me is that that atmosphere of comfort and relaxation is interrupted every hour by The Tamale Man. I love bars with tamale salesmen coming through. Made fresh in a van parked nearby, these little packets of joy are sold in bunches of six, and man are they worth it. One of the people in our party said they were as good as the tamales his grandmother made, and I guarantee you that they're better than my grandmother ever could have made (however, this is probably because my grandmother probably never saw a tamale in her life).

Really, I'm actually annoyed writing this, because I want more of those tamales. They're like crack, only legal and you don't feel like a dirtbag 15 minutes after trying one at a party out in Goose Creek, South Carolina and STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!¹

Anyway, good bar, great tamales, parking. Check it out.

Thunder Matt Rating: 5.5 piping hot tamales out of 6.

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1. I actually have never smoked crack. That was ACTING!

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Wrigleyville North

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Wrigleyville North (3900 N. Sheridan Rd.)

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 3

Who You'll See Here: "regulars", creepy old guys, young people, sensible Cub fans, country music fans, people who don't act like Jersey Shore trash/meatheads.

What to order: They had $8 pitchers when I was there, and it was the big, old glass pitchers. That's tough to beat given the neighborhood. Look for $1.50 bottles of Old Style on game days. Ordering a mixed drink here is no joke. If you get a whiskey and coke, you can expect the drink to be at least half full of whiskey.

If you're looking for food then you're barking up the wrong tree. You can get a small bag of Combos to tide you over, but don't expect any pub food. If you want that, there's plenty of places to grub within a stones throw.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Sam Elliott, Roy Oswalt, Chip Wesley

Website: now do you really think the place I just described would have a website? Look it up in the White Pages.

Summary: If you're looking for a spot to pick up some gash, do tons of Jagerbombs, listen to American Pie on the jukebox, and try to "be seen", this is not the place for you. The sign on the front of the bar outside says it all. Well, actually, it doesn't say anything at all. It's just an old-timey Old Style beer sign. If you look closely, you can see where the sign used to say "Wrigleyville North", but has been removed.

Don't let this description scare you, this is no pretentious bar. It's not some place trying to be chic by being hard to find or full of trucker hat wearing hipsters dripping in irony. It's an old style neighborhood bar that just happens to be damn close to Wrigley Field (corner of Sheridan and Byron). The time to really enjoy yourself here is a Friday or Saturday night, when the house band "Just Us" play this small, corner bar. I'm not even a fan of country music, but these old boys are an absolute blast to listen to. Much like the bar itself, these guys aren't playing to impress anyone, they're just up for a good time, a few tips, and a few beers.

Since the smoking ban, Wrigleyville North is a much greater place to hang out. Back in the day the place looked like a Cheech and Chong video when you walked in. The bathrooms were decent - nice and big and fairly clean - what more can you ask for? If the band isn't playing, the bar has a quality juke box and you'll surely hear a diverse selection of music selected by the other bar patrons.

I know I've kind of described this place as an old man's American Legion style bar (actually, that's not far off), but it is a pretty diverse crowd. Sure, you've got some suspect looking regulars there, but there's also a good mix of all ages and genders. If you're looking for a no-frills place and you want to get away from the John Barleycorn Wrigleyville experience, give this place a shot.

Thunder Matt Rating: 8 Old Style fan bottles out of a twelve pack.

"Wrigleyville" Bar Project: Driftwood

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Driftwood, 1021 W. Montrose (Okay, fine. This is in Buena Park. Sue me. It's like 4 blocks from my house).

Website: http://www.driftwoodbarchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): Variable, usually between 2-6

Who You’ll See Here: probably between 2-6 other people, a dog or two, and 2-3 junkies spanging on the sidewalk outside.

What to Order: Cheap beer, and a lot of it. I've seen specials on PBR tallboys, Hamm's, and Miller High Life when I've been there. Though I've heard you can get yerself a pretty stiff likker-drink if you'd like.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: I dunno. Somebody that no one would recognize anyway, like a character actor. M. Emmet Walsh or D.B. Sweeney, I guess. Possibly Benji.

Summary: The Driftwood is a bar with a serious identity crisis. It looks like it was originally intended to be a reasonably upscale local watering hole, but the corner of Montrose and Broadway is not a reasonably upscale neighborhood (The four corners are: A Jewel, A Check Cashing place, a crappy Chase that used to be an even crappier Wamu, and a construction lot that used to be a tattoo parlor, and will one day be a Target. One day...). It sells shitty canned beer like it wants to be a hipster-centric dive, but the hipsters are all either further north, south, or west of Buena Park. And despite the photos on the website (and the one above), the place is hardly ever crowded (which is fine by me, because I hate other human beings almost as much as I hate Cardinals fans).

What it loses in identity issues, it more than makes up for in cheap prices and closeness to my house. Plus, despite looking like a hotel bar in an 80s movie, it actually feels like a neighborhood place. Assuming your neighborhood is a mix of 20-something recent college grads with no future, 40-something Bears fans with no present, and 30-something Mexican immigrants that don't talk about their past (and really, really, really like to shoot pool). Best of all, it's dog-friendly. Which means if I want to get wasted, but still know that my dog isn't taking a dump on my bed, the option is there. It really is a decent place to relax, have a beer, and watch the game.

Oh, and there's darts. You know. In case you want to play darts.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 crumpled tall-boys in the construction lot across the street out of a six-pack.

"Wrigleyville" Bar Project: Richard's

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Richard's Bar 491 N Milwaukee Ave

Website: Nope

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 2

Who You’ll See Here: Ray Liotta, Harvey Keitel, Joe Pesci, Joey Callo

What to Order: There aren’t any beers on tap. The liquor is behind the bar and everything else is kept in two huge refrigerators. Beers are all $3 except Guinness, which is $4. There was a sign that said you could buy four cans for $9, but it was for carryout only. Also, hard boiled eggs are available for $.75 if you brought your appetite. Though, the word eggs had quotes around it, so that's something.

Summary: I know that I’ve been venturing further and further away from Wrigley with the bar write-ups but nobody wants to hear about the same places and this is about 200 paces from my front door. I also know how much everyone here at the Saloon loves the Gingerman Tavern, but I’ll venture to say that this place will give it a run for its money. The last time I walked in, there wasn’t even a bouncer. Cash only so don’t embarrass yourself by ordering a round and handing over some plastic. There’s a No Smoking sign taped to another sign advertising packs of smokes for $8.75. I didn’t even recognize all the brands.

There are a few seats here and there but just about everyone is standing by the end of the night. I’m told there’s a bathroom but I can’t say I’ve ever made the trip. The bartenders are probably as old as the bar itself and the only cleavage you’ll see serving drinks comes with a gold chain and chest hair.

Let's try this place, what could go wrong?
There’s an A/C running almost constantly and on any given night, you’ll hear the same rotation of about a dozen songs over and over again from the jukebox. Not to say that's necessarily a bad thing, I didn't hear a bad song all night, which was great for dancing with all the married women. The two enormous posters of Goodfellas are surrounded by various endorsements from famous Chicago personalities and weird “shenanigans”-style antiques.

Finally, the beer. They have everything from common domestics, to Old Style, to Hamm’s in cans and bottles. Three American dollars for each. If you want anything fancy, you can always leave. The End.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Trinity

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Trinity, 2721 N. Halsted

Website: http://www.trinitybarchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 6

Who You’ll See Here: Trinity seems to catch a good mix of patrons and the crowd is typically a little bit older than the Wrigleyville regulars. I wouldn’t say it’s off the beaten path but it’s a good hike from the stadium so it usually takes some time before the leftovers from a game end up here.

What to Order: The specials here are pretty outstanding. Here are the highlights:

Mon: $1 Domestic Bottles
Tues: $2 All Drafts & Call Drinks
Wed: 1/2 Price all Drinks
Thurs: $2 All Bottles, $5 Martinis, $1.50 Domestic Pints
Fri: $2.50 Domestic Pints and Bottles
Sat: $2 Bud & Bud Light Pints & Bottles, $2.50 Domestic Pints & Bottles
Sun: $2 Domestic Bottles, $4 Bloody Mary's

The everyday specials are $3 Guinness and Blue Moon, $3 Stoli, and $3 Jameson shots. They’ve also got $3 burgers on Saturdays and 1/2 off of all food from 5-7 Mon - Fri. Needless to say the $2 ish bottle specials are pretty fantastic but all my money tends to go towards Guinness. Food is typical bar food, nothing special.

Summary: Well it's Monday so I can think of nothing more appropriate to talk about than booze. $1 bottles on a Monday and $3 Guinness everyday? Yes, please. This place plays some decent music and never really gets obnoxiously crowded. Unfortunately the only bathrooms are downstairs, and there are a lot of stairs which can become an issue. Speaking of downstairs, there is a third bar in the back with a few couches and a fireplace. It’s usually reserved for private parties but if you can claim it as your own, people tend to assume it’s invite only and leave you alone. It’s like having your own bartender and it’s a few feet from the bathrooms.

I was treated to an extra show the other night when a group of guys thought they could master the speed bag upstairs. It only took three attempts before one of them hit a waitress. She brushed it off, said she usually takes a few punches a night, and brought us another round of drinks. Bravo.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 empty Old Style tall boys out of a sixer.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: The Stretch

Today's Bar: The Stretch Bar and Grill, 3485 N. Clark

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy) : 4

Who You'll See Here: A solid mix of Cubs fans and beautiful people, with the age skewing closer to Derek Lee than Jeff Samardzija. This is a good thing, because today's youth remind me of my own mortality. That said, there was one really douchey looking guy with a mohawk, but that's to be expected at any of the newer Wrigleyville haunts.

What to order: Wow, a Wrigleyville bar with standout pub fare? Say it ain't so. The Clark Burger that we had was possibly the best burger I've had in the whole city, not just the neighborhood. Cooked perfectly, topped with bacon, avocado, cheese and a few onion strings atop a soft toasted bun, it was Kuma's Corner good. The accompanying tater tots were perfectly crispy and had some seasoning on there that really put em over the top. Add in a top-notch appetizer (fried Mac N Cheese balls with marinara dipping sauce) and ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. A word to the wise: We ordered the appetizer and opted to split the burger and this was more than enough food. Don't say that TMS isn't looking out for your wallet in these times of economic woe.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Mindy from Rock of Love, Justin Long, Reed Johnson, Jeff Probst (host of Survivor)

Summary: Occupying the former Tryst space (that's okay, I don't remember it either), The Stretch is a cool and unexpectedly friendly new addition to the increasingly trendy Wrigleyville bar scene. Divvied up into a front section (which kind of looks like a classier version of Bernie's) and a back room, the Stretch features wall to wall cedar paneling, vaulted ceilings and a loft like feel, while still maintaining some sense of intimacy. Adorning the wall over each table are photos of various celebs (I spied Eddie Vedder and Ditka) singing the 7th Inning Stretch. This is a neat idea that I wish was mine. As you can imagine, there are flat screen TVs everywhere you look, most of them clustered in groups of four, so there isn't a bad seat/angle in the whole joint.

We snagged the last table in the back on a Saturday afternoon during the hectic Cubs-Cards series and despite our initial reservations (see: douchey guy with mohawk) the service was tremendous. Our waitress was golden: perfectly timed visits without hovering, spot-on recommendations and genuine kindness not often found in the Chicago dining/bar scene.

The food menu is creative (cheese stuffed hotdogs wrapped in bacon served on a pretzel roll!) but wisely sticks to the basics of appetizers, burgers and a few sandwiches so as not to be too overwhelming. The beer selection is also an exercise in quality over quantity. You won't find a million pretentious beers on tap, but instead you get a good mix of your basics (Old Style, Bud Light) along with a few essentials (Stella and a few microbrews that I can't remember but that everyone else that writes for this site probably loves). It looked like they also had a few specialty cocktails (Margaritas, Bloody Marys, Arnold Palmers) in mason jars, small and large.

The best part is the price. You would think at a trendy new hotspot you'd be paying up the arse, especially on a Cubs-Cards gameday. Imagine my surprise then, when we got our bill and my Old Styles were a mere $2. One Old Style and a Bud Light draft were $6 here. Comparatively speaking, when we went to the new Harry Caray's afterwards, that same round was $10.25! Even at TMS sponsor The Gingerman, that round ran us $8.

The Stretch will never be mistaken for your neighborhood dive or hole in the wall, but among the newcomers to the Wrigleyville area, this is tops in my book. You get great food (I'd go here to eat even when the Cubs aren't playing), killer service and cheap beer. Once you get the bill, you may actually be tricked into thinking that you were at a your favorite dive bar, only here, the waitresses are good looking and still have all their teeth.

Thunder Matt Rating: 11 empty Old Style cans (kraeusened) out of 12.

The Clark Burger, side o' tots. Unexpectedly awesome, like your team's pitcher hitting a grand slam.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: The Globe Pub

Before I start, let me address the misnomer in the title of this post. The Globe is not in Wrigleyville. I'm laying waste to the strictures of TMS; to hell with the rules! The Globe is actually located in the North Center neighborhood. No offense intended to the locals.

Who you'll see here: Brits, Irishmen, assorted Europeans, men with scarves.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Vinnie Jones, Jason Statham

About 15 months ago I allowed myself to be lured into the beautiful world of soccer. My basic knowledge of the grand game directed me toward the English Premier League, as opposed to our ridiculously inferior Major League Soccer. After consulting a collection of the best soccer blogs and fielding the opinions of fans, I decided to throw my less-than-considerable weight behind Everton FC.

Two weekends ago, I was gearing up to fly out to Chicago to catch up with fellow Bartender Chaim Witz. After realizing that Chaim receives neither Fox Soccer Channel nor Setanta, I scoured the Internets for a reputable bar in which to take in the Everton v. West Brom tilt. This is when I stumbled on The Globe's website. I notified Chaim that we would need to be at the bar at 6:45 a.m. on Saturday, wives and hangovers be damned! Well, the wives relented; however, the hangovers got the best of us. After waking up at 6:00, we both agreed that we should forego the Everton match, grab a few more winks, and catch the 9:00 a.m. games.

When we arrived at The Globe at 9:00, Arsenal, Chelsea, and Liverpool fans were occupying all of the tables but one, choking down coffee, hurling out obscenities. The back room was cordoned off for the Chelsea game, while Arsenal fans were seated in the front. Liverpool fans were relegated to watching their match on the smaller plasmas over the bar, deservingly on mute. Turns out The Globe is an Everton-friendly bar (Liverpool and Everton are much bigger crosstown rivals than the Cubs and White Sox). The waitress immediately asked us which club we were there to see so that she could seat us accordingly. When I told her that we were regrettably late for the Everton match, she offered to either tell me the score or put the match on for me (God bless DVR in bars). I took the bait at the score (Everton won 2-0), and when the 9:00 a.m. matches were over, she re-played the Everton game for me.

This bar is the balls not only for soccer and the friendly staff, but it serves as a quality drinking hole as well. Christ, look at the comprehensive beer list here. After a couple coffees, I moved on to Harp. TMS Bartender Dave Thomas met up with us as well, and proceeded to tackle the Dogfishhead 90 Min IPA. Chaim pulled his best impression of a mid-life crisis by ordering a steady stream of Bloody Mary's. The food was pretty decent to boot. The eggs Florentine were top notch, and the country potatoes were perfectly bronzed, like Matthew McConaughey's chest.

All in all, this was a great bar, though I'll admit it was morning, and I'll have to retrace my steps at night. However, if you want soccer, I couldn't think of a better place. I intend to make it a weekend morning ritual every time I'm in Chicago. I envy Chaim for having such easy access to The Globe.

ThunderMatt Rating: 10 Bass Ales out of a 12-pack, since it's technically not in Wrigleyville, and I'm not sure if the Cubs take any sort of priority when soccer is on (I would guess not).

Wrigleyville Bar Project

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Rebel Bar and Grill, 3462 N Clark St.

Website: http://www.rebelchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 5

Who You'll See Here: Pretty much your standard twenty something Wrigleyville dweller who wants to try 'that one new place'. An amiable mix of douchiness and down to earth young couples looking for another couple to swing with.

What to order: The menu is the typical fare found all these new trendy sports bars trying hard not to be your father's sports bar. Not just chicken strips. Panko crusted chicken strips. Sweet pear and chicken panini. And of course, what trendy sports bar would be complete without mini sandwiches? We opted for the combo platter and it was good enough. The chicken strips were tasty and not too greasy, the mini corn dogs were a little piece of carnie heaven, and the mini burgers were positively White Castle-esque. The cheese quesadilla on the other hand, was bland and dry. Beer is familiar if uninspired.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: James Vander Beek, Kyle Orton, Scott Baio, Willy Taveras, Matthew Lillard.

Summary: Located in the old Billy Goat Tavern space (I think), Rebel is like a smaller, less intimidating version of some of the huge rape magnets popping up along Clark Street (I'm looking at you Moe's). Dark as hell, with blood red walls and lots of TVs. Along the walls are some cool, black and white prints, mixing sports and celebrities. James Dean. Lou Pinella (as a player). Marilyn Monroe. Mike Ditka (also, as a player). Jake Nicholson from 'The Shining'. Bonus points for the one of Barrett punching AJ, especially fitting considering that I visited during the Cubs/Sox series at Wrigley. Black leather and candlelight is the motif of choice and there is a DJ booth situated next to the bar that I'm sure plays 'hot beats' at night. I can already hear the fat, sweaty chick from Naperville slurring, "Play some Nellllllly."

Like I said, the food was pretty good, the TV's were all huge and well placed, and the crowd wasn't too obnoxious. But what really stood out, at least initially, was the service. Our waitress was always around, and even offered us a half price round when we tried to close out our bill. Then, for the next round, I said, "We'll take the check unless you want to give us another half price round." Done.

Of course, now I look at my bank statement and see that it was charged an extra $10. Swindled. No soup for her.

So really, there's nothing about this place that really deserves your regular patronage, but you could do worse. Like standing in a 30 deep line to get into Casey Moron's. Boo. Like Merkle's did, and my herpes, this one has the potential to be a grower.

Thunder Matt Rating: 7 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack. It could have been 8 if not for that two faced waitress.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Harry Caray's

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Harry Caray's Tavern

Website: http://www.harrycaraystavern.com/

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 7

Who You'll See Here: The crowd was pretty diverse and there were even a few Mets fans hanging around from after the game. Since it's right across from the park you can expect a lot of overflow from games before, during, and after.

What to order: The menu is a dumbed-down version of the original restaurant that mostly caters to the bar & grill crowd with lots of appetizers and sandwiches. If you go during a game you can take advantage of the burger bar where you can build any of the half-dozen or so burgers to your liking. The signature chicken Vesuvio is on there as well which, if you're not there during a game, is worth ordering. The beer selection wasn't anything special. Mostly the same draught selections as other bars with a two wild cards on tap depending on the time of year.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Dutchie, Joe Mantegna, Gary Sinese, Dwight Smith

Summary: I decided to take a walk down to Harry's last night after most of the game crowd was heading home so I knew I wasn't about to have a game day experience. That having been said, I probably learned more about the place than I would have had it been packed. The first thing I noticed was how different everything was from how things used to look when it was called Hi Tops. Instead of a big bar in the middle of everything there was a big open area with some tables that can be cleared away to make room for a dance floor. The bar, measuring 60 feet 6 inches, spans the entire right side of the bar. The look of the bar takes a cue from the original restaurant and most of the walls and ceiling are all dark wood covered in pictures of celebrities and sports memorabilia. You can't miss a huge bust of Harry himself just to the left of the entrance.

Just like every other bar in the neighborhood there are TV's in every direction including a monster 123-inch screen near the back that wasn't being used last night. There are even a few TVs in the bathroom, lest you miss even a second of whatever game you were watching before the Old Style caught up to you.

Our waitress was nice but it took forever to get our first round of beers. She came back and apologized saying that she was working the end of a double shift on game day and that she had a show downtown when she was done so her mind was a little fried. Of course, no problem. A show huh? Let's see, short skirt (check), low-cut shirt (check), high leather boots (check).......nahhh. So I, being the inquisitive type, begged the question:

Me: "So you're going to see a show downtown after you're done working?"

Barmaid: "Oh, no no no, I'm actually in a show."

Me: (fighting laughter) "Oh REALLY?"

According to her she used to be a lawyer and didn't like that line of work so now she works as an improv actress. Suuuuure she does. And I bet she takes those pole dancing classes for the cardio. Gotta keep that resting heart rate up! No, I'm just kidding, strippers don't have hearts. Wakka wakka!

Anyway, I pulled aside a helpful bus boy and grilled him about details. If my broken English was on par, there are rarely, if ever, any drink specials. The upstairs is open on game days and on weekend nights with some couches and there's a VIP room that you can reserve if you order bottle service. Usually the bar is open until 11 but on weekends they stay open until about 4 am. He also mentioned that Dutchie has made a number of appearances and, this comes as no surprise, is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Just ask Chaim and Tommy Buzanis. For a bus boy, he had an awful lot of information, don't you think?

All in all I think this place will be pretty popular with the kiddies. Think of it as a "classy" Cubby Bear.

Thunder Matt Rating: 7 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Bernie's

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Bernie's , 3664 N. Clark St.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 2

Who You'll See Here: Astute Cub fans, young and old, people from Iowa just getting off their tour bus making a beeline to the bathroom.

What to order: What has become a standard pre-game drinking hole for us, all I can honestly recommend is a can of Old Style, since that's all I've ever had there. Important note, if you get there before 10am, the Old Style might be warm since it probably was just put in the cooler for the day. I've seen folks order food before. I can only assume it's your standard bar sandwiches and such.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: George Wendt, Ron Santo, any TMS bartender. We once saw Billy Corgan walk by the beer garden so I guess that counts.

Website: I couldn't find one. Not even a MySpace. There are reviews on sites like Metromix and CitySearch. Use your keen Google skills to find them.

Summary: Located right next door to Casey Moran's, Bernie's appears a little more low-key than it's synthetic prefabricated neighbor. Maybe that's part of what I like about it. It's legitimately the only true Wrigleyville bar that's been around for ages that I can tolerate. For the uninitiated to the Wrigley experience, the typical buffoon will direct you to Murphy's, or Sports Corner or the Cubby Bear, or one of the other well-known-yet-overrated bars around the stadium. You'd be better off ignoring them and heading to Bernie's. The staff is always friendly and the typical crowd knows a bit more about the team than the fairweather fans you find at the other joints. You'll hear more real baseball conversations and less "I think Ryan Theriot is cute," type statements.

As I mentioned earlier, Bernie's has become a staple for us as the place for pre-game beverages. Its close proximity to the bleachers makes it a great meeting point if other friends are joining you. I don't know about you, but "Meet me at Bernie's," sounds much better to me than "Meet me by the Harry Caray statue." Unless of course someone stashed a cooler of Old Style inside Harry, but alas security got kind of pissed the last time I climbed the statue to inspect for the mythical beverage booty.

The last few times I've gone, we were early enough to be able to belly up to the bar. That's always nice as you can quickly get a refill. However if the bar is full and it's a nice day out, you can't go wrong with grabbing a seat out in their beer garden. Back in '03, Brant, Chaim and myself sat at Bernie's for a Cubs-Cards game. The place emptied out quite a bit once the game started, but the folks that remained were all transfixed on the game. No loud tribal armband and visor-clad douchebags causing a disturbance were to be found. As the game drew to the end the crowd slowly filtered back in, including some Cardinal fans that we had a good time talking some trash with.

Also if you have to drop a deuce for the game, I highly recommend the crapper at Bernie's. It's probably one of the better stalls you'll find outside the stadium, and is much, MUCH better than the shitters inside the stadium, which rank just above waterboarding for most pleasant experiences. But get in there and pinch off a loaf early. The longer you wait, the more likely some drunk jackass will stuff it full of paper towels, piss all over the seat, or some other equally stupid shit.

Thunder Matt Rating: 11 empty Old Styles out of a 12 pack (3 of which you drank before they could sit in the cooler long enough to actually get cold).

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Redmond's Ale House

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Redmond's , 3358 N. Sheffield Ave.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 3

Who You'll See Here: Even though it's in Wrigleyville, Redmond's seems to hold on to the neighborhood bar vibe. Even the waitresses possess the Girl Next Door look. You can't go wrong there. The crowd was a bit more chilled and socially refined than what you'd see at one of the bars closer to Wrigley Field.

What to order: Finally, a place in Wrigleyville that has some decent beer on tap. Add to that a stellar selection of bottled beer, and you've got a place to that appeals to the common meathead partier (me, raising my hand) that downs the High Life while still currying favor with the Thinking Man's Beer Drinker. Unfortunately, I can't offer any food advice. I saw some people eating, and from what I recall the burgers and fries looked pretty tasty. I'd venture to guess that the food selection is your Standard Bar Fare. (Browse the menu) I've been told by more than one person that the Sunday brunch is quite good.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Todd Hundley, Dan Jiggetts, Bill Wennington.

Website: http://www.myspace.com/redmondschicago (Jeez, guys. How about some effort?)

Summary: It's not terribly big, just two rooms, the front room boasting a long wood bar, and the back room having some tables and a small bar. The bartenders and the wait staff were very friendly which was yet another way Redmond's distinguishes itself from the competition. Depending on your allegiance, it's a Wisconsin Badger bar, but since we were there out of season, it was a none-issue. If you're there to catch a game, they had plenty of TVs in both rooms. I recall a large TV over the bar and smaller ones dispersed elsewhere. The cold and rainy weather was not conducive to enjoying the outdoor tables, but they did look they'd be mighty nice on a summer day.

One negative of the night was a DJ spinning his records. The place is a bit too small for those shenanigans, it was too loud, and the crowd that night did not appear to be composed of people who were normally into that type of entertainment, and certainly not ones who'd go to Redmond's for it if they'd wanted to indulge. Especially not cool if the DJ is of the "I don't take requests" mentality. It's okay buddy, I'm sure your dad would have hugged you if you'd only asked. Rejoice, I was assured by regulars that having a DJ was not a regular occurrence.

Random/Funny/Vulgar bar story of the night. Our small entourage was composed of six people, with two of them being a couple. At this point in the night, things were getting very hazy and all were quite inebriated. My buddy with the girlfriend started to get The Urge, and being a local, knew there was a bathroom in the basement - a womens only commode with 4 stalls. He and his girl decided to use this place as a makeshift Poke Shack, and went at it. Stunned when the bathroom door opened, they froze, and heard a gal sit down in the stall next to them, who proceeded to...wait for it...back out a growler, and a loud one at that. Ah, good times at Redmond's!!

Thunder Matt Rating: 9 empty Stella Artois bottles out of a twelve pack. Judges note: points have been deducted for a MySpace website.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Casey Moran's

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Casey Moran's, 3660 N Clark St.

Website: http://www.kincadesbar.com/morans/home.asp

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 8

Who You'll See Here: Casey Moran’s seems to cater to suburbanites and out-of-towners who want to get a feel for what the nightlife in Wrigleyville is “really about.” It’s right across the street from the park so it gets pretty packed on game days before and after games. It’s also an Ohio State bar so expect a sea of red, white, and people wearing multiple polos that can’t actually recite the words to our nation’s anthem but know when to start screaming before it’s over.

What to order: The $1 burgers on Thursday nights are a good deal. Other than that it’s pretty standard bar food that you can find almost anywhere.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Sean William Scott, Ashton Kutcher, and Phillip Mitchell. Together.

Summary: A lot of bars around Wrigley have a distinctive feel to them. I wouldn’t go as far to say they have themes but they all bring something unique to the table. Casey Morans is the regurgitated flavor of all these places lumped together with nothing they can brand as their own.

Here’s a quick run down of what you can expect with a visit. First of all it’s an Irish bar with a modern twist complete with tons of HDTVs mounted on every surface imaginable. The staff is much more attractive than you and if you manage to get their attention they’ll serve you and your friends a round of $6 bottles of Old Style. If you manage to secure a table you can order some typical bar food but nothing that you’ll remember. That is, until you have to go to the bathroom which means a trip down some stairs and through a long mirror-covered hallway where you’ll have to do the typical “thanks for the paper towel from the dispenser just to the left and no I wouldn’t like any mints” dance with the attendant. The bar is actually pretty big but is usually packed and people regularly rent out the front room which only makes the crowd worse. There’s also a small dance floor where you can usually hear a DJ trying to remix some Journey. The one redeeming value is the busboys. Those guys clean and wipe down the tables like you wouldn’t believe.

Thunder Matt Rating: 5 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack. It would have been 3 but damn those busboys are good.

The Wrigleyville Bar Project

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.


Today's Bar: Mullen's, 3527 N. Clark St.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 4

Who You'll See Here: Girls who are like 1/15 Irish but are like, 'totally into St. Patrick's Day', couples that you and your significant other muse that you 'could probably be friends with', guys with long sleeve button downs tucked into their jeans, white people.

What to order: steak quesadilla, fried mushrooms, loaded nachos, draft beer.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Dennis Leary, 'Bachelorette' rejects, Todd Walker.

Website: www.mullensbarandgrill.com/Wrigley.html

Summary: Mullen's is the redheaded stepchild of the Wrigleyville strip. The old schoolers bypass this place for stalwarts like the Cubby Bear and Murphy's Bleachers, while the trendy suckers wait in line at John Barleycorn and The Central. Mullen's, with it's gaudy green and yellow awning, sits there patiently, like a forlorn child seeking the approval from his father that he will never find. While seemingly never the first or second option, Mullen's always ends up being a good option.

Nothing here is going to knock your dick in the dirt or renew your lease on life, but on the other hand, there's something oddly comforting about the simplicity and plainness of it all. Like a baby to it's mother's teet. Bonus points for the blackboard outside of the entrance listing the daily specials. It seems that 9 times out of 10, even on game days, they have the best specials on the strip.

The space is fairly small, with a bar to your immediate right and high tables filling out the rest of the space. Securing a table is normally fairly easy, like Tommy Buzanis' mother. The TVs are plentiful without being overwhelming and there is a dartboard in the back if you're so inclined. What, the fucking Cubs game isn't good enough for you? Asshole. The service is workmanlike, the food is warm and the beer is cold. These are creature comforts not to be taken for granted in this post 9/11 society.

Kiss me Mullen's. I'm 1/15 Irish.

Thunder Matt Rating: 9 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: The Uberstein

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Uberstein Chicago, 3478 N. Clark St.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 1

Who You'll See Here: I've made the trip to Uberstein twice now, and it seems to be a breeding ground for hot women. With the niche market on beer selection, it also seems to weed out the meatheads. Also has a strong following of European soccer fans who watch the games on the plasma TVs.

What to order: The "mas" beer. Yes, it's $13 for the liter mug, and they only serve Hofbräu beer, but this is what you do in a place where it's Oktoberfest 365 days a year. If you don't have that kind of thirst or you lack the stength to heft such a beast, you can get the weenie mug.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: The Autobahn original lineup, the boys from Beer Fest, Hans Gruber, Karl Hungus.

Website: http://www.ubersteinchicago.com/

Summary: A great place to go if you're looking for a different type of bar experience. They host German bands throughout the year and have a very nice biergarten out front, facing Clark Street. It has a jovial atmosphere without being so loud that you can't hold a conversation. An underrated feature of the bar was the clean and spacious Men's Restroom, a must for a wobbly-legged gent who's had a few too many. As mentioned, the big mugs of HB beer are a must. If you're not a seasoned drinker, one mug will be more than sufficient. For those of you with a group of friends and are a bit adventurous, have a Shotski (pictured) of Jager. Good luck.

The food was tasty. Like the beer, the food offered on the menu consists of traditional German dishes. Spaetzel, all types of schintzels, sauerkraut, German potato salad, large pretzels, etc. Not a fan of German food? It all tastes good when you've got a heavy buzz and a tired arm.

It's not the biggest place, and if you didn't have a table the big mug would become a bit cumbersome, and it would seem like the longest beer in the world. There's wasn't a tremendous amount of a wait staff, but with the place being on the smallish size, it wasn't that hard to go up to the bar.

Thunder Matt Rating: 10 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack, with a basket of pretzels and Boetje's Stone Ground Mustard.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: The Full Shilling

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: The Full Shilling, 3724 N. Clark St.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 2

Who You'll See Here: More of your 'everyman' will hang here. Groups of people looking to have fun in a place where you don't have to shout at one another to be heard. Of course, lots of Cub fans waiting to go to the game. Also the Guy In The Hotdog Suit is frequently spotted out front. The wait staff was predominantly female, mildly attractive in the girl-next-door kind of way.

What to order: Why, the Tabletapper, of course. Sure it's a novelty thing, but do you want to be the only table that doesn't have one? Didn't think so. Not sure if it's a good buy or not, but when in Rome...

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Glendon Rusch, the guys from Gov't Mule, Kyle Farnsworth (because he'll drink everywhere).

Website: nah, brah. At least I couldn't find one.

Summary: Frankly this place was a breath of fresh air compared to the normal Wrigleyville bar scene. I didn't have to wait for a half an hour to get a table, and I didn't have to set off signal flares to get a waitress over, I didn't encounter a herd of frat boys sporting tribal armband tattoos (although the waitstaff's favorite hobby seemed to include getting large back tats that hang out of the shirts at all edges). The bar itself was Irish in decor, with a spattering of Cub memorabilia on both sides. Bricks are the dominant motif, but it's not too dark. The east side of the building features the typical windows that allow plenty of fresh air and people watching. TVs are not a problem, they feature a flat screen about every six feet, all viewable from high tables, booths, or from a bar stool.

The food was pretty good. It was greasy and hot, with the menu featuring typical bar food, the exception being an emphasis on tater tots. I wanna say it was $1.50 for a half a pound of them, which is a nice companion to the $14.00 table tappers.

If I had one complaint about the place, it would be that while all of the TVs were tuned into the Cub game, half of them appeared to be on a cable feed while the other half were on satellite, therefore throwing off the synch between the two. It's a tad bit annoying when the sound doesn't match the picture and/or half of the bar cheers or groans before you see what happens.

Thunder Matt Rating: 8 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack, possibly 9 if you have a window seat on a warm, sunny day.

Wrigleyville Bar Project

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today's Bar: Moe's Cantina, 3518 N. Clark St.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 9. In fact, I'm pretty sure that guy was a bartender there.

Who You'll See Here: For the male population, assume that everyone read the same Style Pamphlet entitled, "How to look like a Frat Boy". Ironic and lewd t-shirts, crooked caps, jeans with sandals, button-up black t-shirts with the top four buttons undone, oversized sunglasses. In contrast, the female crowd is quality, quality, quality. I missed the sign at the door, but apparently there is a sign that reads ALL FEMALES MUST HAVE A TIGHT ASS AND AT LEAST A C-CUP TO ENTER. UNDERWEAR OPTIONAL.

What to order: 16oz aluminum cans of Bud or Bud Light, pitchers of Red Bull and Vodka (yes, I'm serious)

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Lenny Kravitz, K-Fed, Justin Timberlake, a bevy of buxom, Hollywood armcandy/hanger's-on, Kyle Farnsworth.

Website: http://www.moescantina.com/

Summary: If you look at the website (above), it wants to project itself as a classy restaurant. True, the decor is mostly upscale with plenty of tables. That being said, it is no different than any other area establishment that serves liquor (especially on game days): people come to drink. Moe's offers plenty of plasma TVs for your viewing pleasure, whether it be from the spacious booths along the wall, or the insane amount of high tables in the center. The bartenders and doormen/bouncers are all clad in black with earpieces in, trying to convey a Steven Seagal aura. The wait staff were all very nice, very engaging, and very hot. The two overriding physical features both involved body fat. The first being the lack of it, the second being their ability to store it in all the right places. Silicone counts as body fat, right? Even in the zoo-like environment, they were johnny-on-the-spot, which is always nice.

Sitting at the table next to us was a particularly unruly group of Fratties. Shirts were inexplicably removed and put back on with an alarming frequency, shots of tequila were ordered by the half-bottle followed by the obligatory Meathead Yawp of "Ahhhhhggggrrrhhhh!! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Being the uber-cool kids that we are, we started a chant that was clearly over their heads: "Tri-bal! Arm-band! Tri-bal! Arm-band!" Not surprisingly, two of them were later kicked out, much to their shock and amazement. Imagine that.

In summation, I have to say that it wasn't an overly pleasant experience. Sure there was plenty of eye-candy, and the drinks weren't overly pricey with all things considered, but the meathead factor was too much for me. We stayed for only an hour or so, watching the last 3 or 4 innings of Sunday's game. As we sat waiting for the odd-chance of hearing the DJ spin some Baba O'Riley, or at least Go Cubs, Go, we were instead treated with an immediate cut of the TV audio and straight into 'In Da Club'. Our table wasn't the only one groaning. At the very least, you can say that it didn't smell like piss and vinegar like the place next door, though I certainly would have rather been there.

Thunder Matt Rating: 6 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack*, with the other six being dropped on the pavement.

*Please note that the reviewer has had his share of the club scene and is now a crotchety old man of 29.

"Mommy! Mommy! The rhino meathead is getting too close to the car!!"

Wrigleyville Bar Project

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there. And so it begins.

Today's Bar: Murphy's Bleachers, 3655 N. Sheffield

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 3

Who You'll See Here: Tourists, people looking to buy/sell tickets, girls with pink Cubs hats, 132 people wearing Derrek Lee jerseys, me

What to Order: Old Style, Bud Light, Jager

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: George Wendt, John Ratzenberger, Mark Grace

Website: http://www.murphysbleachers.com/

Summary: Murphy's is located directly opposite the entrance to the bleachers so it's one of the best places to hang out before the start of a game. Even on the occasional arctic day in the spring you'll find the place packed right up until the first pitch with fans competing to shell out $5 for a can of Bud Light or Old Style kept cold in a bathtub full of ice at the back bar. Don't worry, they hand out right-hand gloves to hold your beer.

The vast majority of Cubs fans can be divided into those that would rather go to The Cubby Bear and those that would rather go to Murphy's Bleachers. The preference can almost directly be linked to the type of beer you drink. The Cubby Bear is a Miller stop and Murphy's is Old Style and Bud territory.

There is a lot of memorabilia on the walls including jerseys and old pictures (even some of the Bears playing inside Wrigley) for people to look at when they aren't watching one of the many TV's facing every conceivable direction. Usually there is plenty of seating but on game days your best bet is to just mill around. Thursday is open mic night and there is always a set of bags next to the back bar ready for anyone that wants to play.

I used to live a half-block north of Murphy's so I was able to visit the bar during the crowded season and also when there was a foot of snow on the ground. It turns into a friendly neighborhood pub in the off season and it pays to make friends with the bartenders.

The food is pretty good and not too expensive. I'd recommend the tater tots. They must fill a deep fryer basket with them and pour them onto a plate for you because they could be considered a meal by themselves. I started to get the hang of their "diner slang" at the grill. For instance, my buddy ordered a plain hot dog and the guy yelled out "One Naked" to the cook. I ordered a Polish sausage with sauerkraut and it was a "Dirty Joe".

I also was able to play a part in a particularly fun event there last year: the Pinewood Derby. I hadn't built a car since I was in Cub Scouts and it was fun to see a bunch of alcoholics secretly shape and craft their pitiful little blocks of wood as if they were running wind tunnel tests for an F1 racing team. Here's a picture of my car.

Overall Murphy's is a great place for someone making their first trip to Wrigley as well as time-tested regulars. It's got something for everyone, the music is great, and you can't beat the location.

Thunder Matt Rating: 11 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack.

The Wrigleyville Bar Project

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. I'm here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there. And so it begins.


Today's Bar: Gingerman Tavern, 3740 N. Clark St.

Douchebag Factor (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 1

Who You'll See Here: Punk rockers, barstool alcoholics, guys wearing their girlfriends jeans, former minor league baseball players, men (and women) with concealed hunting knives, guys wearing 'Ratt World Tour 87' t-shirts unironically, and of course, the obligatory 'hot tattooed rocker chick'.

What to order: Schlitz, Old Style, Jack Daniels, cold gin.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Winehouse, Iggy Pop, the ghost of Johnny Cash (as played by Joaquin Phoenix).

Website: Yeah right.

Summary: The Gingerman stands alone as a giant middle finger in a sea of chest bumps and high fives. I think that sentence says it all and I'd like to just leave it at that, but I'll go on. The Gingerman is dark, smoky, and has more 'character' than the furniture you owned in college. In short, it's glorious. Not really a sports bar per se (though you will find a couple of TV's above the bar that they'll flip to the game if you ask nicely), the Gingerman is the cool older brother that you emulate, but who never really made anything of his life.

It's split into two halves. The first half has the bar with some nice chewed up barstools and a few tables. Make a right at the end of the bar and you find a pretty stellar jukebox (Slayer is not really my bag, but I'll give them props just for putting it in there) and a short hallway leading to the otherside, which basically consists of a few pool tables and some places to lean against when you're really, really drunk.

The bartenders are primarily female. They are usually wearing tanktops, exposing their tattoo sleeves and barely hiding their nipple rings. Despite knowing better, you are immediately smitten. If you order a Heineken here you might get punched in the face (at best) or possibly shanked (likely).

So many stories here, most of them involving fellow bartenders Brant Brown and Chip Wesley. Memories are blurry and fragmented and Chip probably tells the story better than I do, but one involves a long conversation with former minor leaguer Keith Johns, who regaled us with stories of steroid abuse and life on the road. Another time we ripped off a couple of guys in the bleachers playing the 'dollar game' (an idiotic game of chance involving predicting what the next batter would do and throwing money into an empty beer cup) and ended up taking refuge at The Gingerman, figuring that would be the last place those frat boys would look.

Overall a great hangout, one of the best in the area. Probably better suited for a night of pool and post-game/concert debauchery (the Metro is located next door) rather than a first date place. Throw on your best black tee, grab a roll of quarters and check your pretensions at the door. Lest the Gingerman check them for you.*

*And you don't want that. You'll wake up the next morning with a black eye and a tattoo of CC Deville's face on your left buttcheek.

Thunder Matt Rating: 11 emtpy Old Style cans out of a 12 pack.

The Wrigleyville Bar Project

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. I'm here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there. And so it begins.

Today's Bar: Salt and Pepper Diner, 3537 N. Clark St. Just look for the giant 'Eat' sign.

Douchebag Factor (1 - 10, with 10 being this guy): 2

Who You'll See Here: Tourists, cheapskates, hungover locals, hipsters eating here 'ironically', dads in pleated khaki shorts, cops, people who buy peanuts outside of the stadium to save a buck.

What to order: Your basic eggs/sausage/hashbrown breakfast. Pitchers of beer. Tater tots. Coffee.

TV and music selection: A few misplaced and hard to see TV's hanging perilously from a hastily installed wall mount. Music? I can't remember. The 'din of a noisy diner' is what I always recall. The clink of silverware, banging of plates and shouting of orders is the music of choice here.

Booths or tables? Shiny, red fifties-style booths, with a chrome finish. There are also some standard issue tables mixed in with high tables and barstools stashed away in the corner by the men's room.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Larry David, Steve Buscemi, any author who has written a book about the Cubs and/or Wrigleyville.

Website: This is a diner. There is no website. As it should be.

Summary: Greasy spoon comes to Wrigleyville. No 'fancy' takes on bar food here or attempts to be trendy that characterize all of it's neighbors. Here you'll find waitresses who call you 'hon' (but don't really give two shits about you, lets be honest) and an all day breakfast menu chock full of diner staples doused in enough grease and ketchup to chase away the most persistent hangover.

This place exists to serve the needs of the 'pre-game' weekend crowd. It is a great place to catch a cheap bite to eat before the game. I can't in good faith recommend going here after a game when you are three sheets to the wind and looking to drown your sorrows after another heartbreaking loss and pour your heart and wallet out to a jukebox and dis-interested bartender. This is the place you go to eat truckstop food at truckstop prices before the game.

But let's not kids ourselves. The real reason to go here is the pitchers of beer. Finding a place in Chicago that actually has pitchers of beer is akin to finding a $10 bill in the pocket of your just laundered jeans. The pitchers of beer here will set you back around $6, which is also unheard of. Most places in the area charge around the same price for a can of beer on gamedays, so by all means, take advantage of this and buy the first round. They also have jello shots here, which is a bit random, but oddly fitting.

This used to be more of a hidden gem...a place where you could be seated right away on game day, but now word is out, so be prepared to wait. The service quality has decreased in proportion with the increase in patrons, but as long as you go in knowing what you're getting, the money saved and beer consumed make it well worth the trip.

Thunder Matt Rating: 9 empty Old Style cans out of a 12 pack.