Top 5 Thanksgiving Movies

 

The Top 5 Thanksgiving movies offered without further comment:

1. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2. The Ice Storm

3. Scent of a Woman

4. Dutch

5. Die Hard

Governor X's Best of 2017

Look, none of you give a damn but I love a good year end list more than I should, so here are some Top 5 of 2017 lists for you. I'm old and don't actually go to the movies anymore.

Top 5 2017 Movies I Added to My Will-Eventually-See List but Didn’t Go See
1) Trainspotting 2
2) Star Wars: The Last Jedi
3) It
4) Alien Covenant
5) I, Tonya

Top 5 Albums of 2017
1) The Used – The Canyon
2) The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful
3) Taylor Swift – Reputation
4) U2 – Songs of Experience
5) AFI – The Blood Album

Top 5 Worst Artists of 2017
1) Imagine Dragons
2) All the rap ones
3) John Mayer
4) Coldplay
5) Maroon 5

Top 5 Songs on Chinese Democracy
1) Better
2) Shackler's Revenge
3) Catcher in the Rye
4) Madagascar
5) This I Love

Top 5 Albums From Artists I Used to Like but Aren’t Any Good Anymore
1) Tokio Hotel – Dream Machine
2) Bush – Black and White Rainbows
3) Pitbull – Climate Change
4) Rise Against – Wolves
5) Kelly Clarkson – Meaning of Life

Top 5 Songs on Sixteen Stone in 2017
1) Machinehead
2) Comedown
3) Testosterone
4) Alien
5) Glycerine


Top 5 Dumbest Current Members of the US Senate
1.  Mazie Hirono
2.  Susan Collins
3.  Bill Cassidy
4.  Joni Ernst
5.  Ron Johnson

Thunder Matt's Saloon: Best of Movies 2009

Hot on the heels (no) of our critically acclaimed and tepidly anticipated Best Of Music Lists comes this year's (last year's?) Best of Movies List. Since only a select few of us even get the chance to see more than a few films (non-porno) each year, these lists are sad and limp, like The Hundley that time he ran out of Cialis.

So without further ado, here's a hastily cobbled together list of movies for you to mock, ignore and bury at the bottom of your Netflix queue. Lights, camera, Jews!

Chaim Witz

1. Up in the Air – A pitch perfect adult dramedy that didn’t really excel in one particular area, but stuck with me for weeks after I saw it. Probably because I was worried about getting fired, but that's neither here nor there.

2. (500) Days of Summer – Always a sucker for a twee indie comedy with a hipster soundtrack, I fell head over heels and out of my skinny jeans for this rom com. The Hall and Oates montage probably bumped it up 2 or 3 spots on this list.

3. The Hangover – A Zach Galifiankis nerd from way back (“I liked him way before G-Force”), I had a feeling I’d love this movie as soon as I saw the poster. Classic instincts!

4. The Hurt Locker - Clunky title aside, this was one of the most intense experiences I’ve had at the movies in quite some time. I pooped my pants more times than Milton Bradley with men on base.

5. Away We Go - Probably hit home due to the fact that, like the pseudo hipster couple in the movie, Mrs. Witz and I just recently had our first child and, like said couple, also have no idea what we're doing. We saw this one right after we found out that our lives would be forever changed (for the better mind you)...I even got the idea for my Dad Beard from Jim from The Office. Maya Rudolph turns in one of the more underrated and affecting performances of the year.

6. Moon - I'm naturally predispositioned to like movies that take place in the jungle, space or a post-apocalyptic landscape. That said, I loved this space yarn. Sam Rockwell lends his considerable talents to this film that either steals from or pays homage to, 2001 Space Odyssey.

7. Inglorious Basterds – Allowing for a few Tarantino egotistical asides, this beautifully shot film is the Brad Pitt Nazi Movie that the world has waited for since he burst onto the scene shirtless in Thelma and Louise.

8. Avatar – It’s like they brought that Eiffel 65 song to life on the silver screen!

9. Star Trek – I hate nerds, but I loved this decidedly less nerdy version of Pocket Protectors in Space.

10. Adventureland – Reinforces my inkling that I should have been a carnie.

11. Drag Me To Hell – This movie was “grossly” entertaining! WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA!

12. Youth In Revolt - Technically this came out in 2010, but technically I'm a heterosexual as well.

Honorable Mention: Nice try assholes!

The Road - Post apocalyptic shenanigans, Oprah approved.

District 9 – A (relatively) thinking man’s Predator

Whip It – I hugged Drew Barrymore

Tyson – Face tattoo!

I Love You Man – I hate the band Rush, or this may have ranked higher.

Renters:

Crazy Heart – Jeff Bridges is great though.

Watchmen – Blue penis!

Last House on the Left – Pretty scary when you watch it at a bed in breakfast on the lake.

Up – Not as good as Wall E or Ratatouille.

Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wanted to love it, just liked it. Seems like it would get better with repeat viewings.

Minor Disappointments, Like Me

Bruno, Public Enemies, Funny People, Paranormal Activity, The Men Who Stare At Goats, Sherlock Holmes, IN the Loop

Worst Movies of the Year

Miss March, My Life in Ruins, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Time Traveler’s Wife, Couples Retreat

White Chili

Up in the Air - Having lost a job in 2009 with a lot of other people, watching a movie about a guy whose job it is to fire people for a living was an interesting experience for me. It's not why I ranked it at the top of my list, but it did provide a personal touch. Clooney does an excellent job in this timely and very well-told story by a young Jason Reitman, who also gave us Juno and Thank You For Smoking. Great job.

The Hurt Locker - I'm pretty sure that my asshole didn't unpucker for the duration of this movie. Holy crap was this intense. It starts off with the line "war is a drug", and goes off in a white knuckle bomb-diffusing rally from there. It was nice to see how excellent attention to how the subtleties of a scene are filmed goes so much further than just having a couple of huge CGI robots fire their missiles to knock the asses of some other huge CGI robots through the Eiffel Tower.

Avatar - The acting is not Oscar worthy and the story is essentially Dances With Wolves meets Fern Gully. Having said that, this was the most fun I've had at the movies that I can remember. I'm not a fan of the recent 3D fad with movies and I was worried that Cameron would unnecessarily have a spear fly into the audience or something. Not the case. It was very tastefully done. So much so that I'm worried about what the movie will be like without it. The special effects are tremendous and the last battle scene (which lasts for about 45 minutes) knocked my dick so far in the dirt that I have a new girlfriend in China to introduce to the folks. Go see it.

Up - All I knew going into this movie was an old guy had a house suspended with balloons. I wasn't sure how that translated into a feature-length film but Pixar hadn't given me a reason to doubt them. They still haven't. A word of warning: the first 20 minutes or so rivals Bambi for a sad beginning and had the woman in the seat next to me balling uncontrollably. I, on the other hand, just had something in my eye.

The Hangover - Funniest movie of the year. People will be quoting this one for years to come. Each subsequent viewing has made me want to go back to Vegas that much more. I sure hope they don't ruin it with a sequel. I just have one question. Is this the real Caesar's Palace?

Star Trek - JJ Abrams did a fantastic job with creating a new adaptation of the series. He certainly did his homework evidenced by enlisting a superb cast and keeping true to the smallest of details. He may have gone a bit overboard with the lens flares but for the most part the special effects were excellent. Also, Tyler Perry!

Watchmen - I think a lot of people saw this without having read the graphic novel and came out of the theater wondering just what the hell they saw. I read through it first and appreciated the attention to detail the producers of the film paid. The casting was perfect, the soundtrack was very appropriate and even a change to the original story was done in such a way that many fans have said was an improvement. I think this one got a bad rap and certainly didn't live up to the huge hype.

Funny People - I expected this to be unexpected, and enjoyed the result. This is not a typical Sandler funny face/voice experience. I liked how Sandler was able to actually do a bit of acting and portray a man having to deal with some very real problems. He also used his character to poke a bit of fun at the caliber of movies he has been known to churn out. The movie tends to run a bit long and could have probably been a bit better had they shaved off 20 minutes. Nobody likes those bushy films from the 70s.

Tyson - Say what you will about Iron Mike, this documentary was very well done. Not only did I learn quite a bit, Tyson came across as humble and honest about a great many things. If you have any interest in the sport of boxing, this is a must. Leave any preconceived notions you may have at the door and I think you'll enjoy this.

Inglorious Basterds - Better than I thought it would be. The opening scene is very well done and Christopher Waltz plays an excellent villain who clearly is in love with his job and himself. It would have been nice if the war actually played out like this.

Worst of the Year

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I'm not normally one to declare such superlatives as my favorite band or least favorite melon (C'mon, Honeydew right?) but this movie may be the worst movie I've ever seen. The only hope is that it is, in fact, actually an art commentary piece in which case Michael Bay might be the smartest human being who has ever lived.

The Hundley

Best to worst:

Sugar - Totally changed the way I look at drugs in baseball and how I view Latin baseball immigrants.

It Might Get Loud - Guitar porn of the highest order.

500 Days of Summer - Easily the best comedy of the last 3 years that I can watch with my wife.

Taken - Lots of action + Liam Neeson + sex trafficking = enjoyable x 2!!

Star Trek - This prequel is infinitely better than what the Star Wars franchise did, and with about 300% less hype.

Inglorious Basterds - Oh really, Tarantino is affiliated? Shoddy plot and odd and uncomfortable cameos aside (Office guy, Mike Myers), a solid film, especially the performance by Christoph Waltz.

Tyson - Even though 50% of it is probably untrue, this is a captivating documentary. DVD 'extras' are a must-see here as well.

The Hangover - More Zach Galifianakis, please

9 (The Tim Burton one) - Special effects skeet!

A Christmas Carol 3D - Special effects skeet AND a timeless story!

Sherlock Holmes - Who knew Sherlie was into MMA? And where the fuck was the tweed coat and Sherlock cap?

District 9 - A reach, but decent. Lead actor reminds me of Murray from Flight of the Conchords.

Brothers - Shame on you, Jim Sheridan. I expected WAY more

The Watchmen - When will I learn not to expect anything of a book-to-movie film?

My Bloody Valentine - Worst one I saw in '09, fo sho

Daft Funk

There's no greater testament to how strong 2009's movies were overall than looking at the list of films I enjoyed immensely but still couldn't squeeze into my list. Whether you like pitch-black comedy (Observe and Report, World's Greatest Dad), off-beat documentaries (It Might Get Loud, Tyson, Anvil!) or a warm and fuzzy tale of political murder and revenge in Northern Ireland (Five Minutes of Heaven), there are many many fantastic films from last year that didn't make it onto any end of year lists. There just wasn't enough room. That's what she said.

Here are my top 20 movies of the year in alphabetical order. Why 20? Because I traded Chip Wesley a bottle of 10 High for his list. Why alphabetical? Just to mess with you, specifically. Yeah you. I'm watching you as you read this. I do like what you've done with your hair today...

1. (500) Days Of Summer - This movie is proof that if you take a generic romantic comedy and put a different spin on the way you tell the story, you can make a movie that stands out from the pack. Yes, it centers around the mythical MPDG, but Joseph Gordon Levitt joining the UCLA marching band for a musical number set to Hall and Oates can overcome just about anything.

2. A Serious Man - I bestow the honor of the 2009 "Arcturus Goreo Award" on this film. Much like the mythical cookie, the movie is bookended by a beginning and finish that are a bit bizarre, but the center is full of delicious Cohen Brothers frosting. Better make sure that cookie is kosher when viewing this film.

3. Assassination of a High School President - One very important thing I learned this year is that just because a movie goes straight to DVD doesn't mean it isn't good. As far as high school mysteries go, it's not as cerebral as Rian Johnson's excellent Brick, but it's not going to completely confuse you either. Plus there's a naked girl. And Bruce Willis. You're out of excuses.

4. Away We Go - I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It made me look forward to having kids one day. Then I went to the mall on a Sunday afternoon and I'm back to normal again.

5. Bad Lieutenant - It seems like Nicholas Cage got all the "bad" acting out of his system early in the year with Knowing because what he does in this movie is nothing short of brilliant. Full of one-liners, dancing souls, iguanas and fat Val Kilmer, this will most likely go down as my favorite Nicholas Cage movie of all time. And this is coming from someone who watches Raising Arizona and Face/Off on a regular basis.

6. Black Dynamite - Black Dynamite kung-fu fights RICHARD NIXON! If that's not enough to get you to add this blaxploitation throwback to your Netflix cue, you're on the wrong website.

7. Bronson - Michael Peterson is a real-life British criminal who has spent most of his entire life in solitary confinement for a number of crimes. If you had Guy Richie drop 4 hits of acid and direct a film about him, it would be this movie. The absolute insanity in this film reminded me of the first time I saw Fight Club. Easily one of the top 3 movies I saw in 2009.

8. Cold Souls - Paul Giamatti playing Paul Giamatti. Soul extraction services. Russian soul trafficking. The best movie Charlie Kaufmann wishes he wrote.

9. District 9 - The only complaint I have about this movie is that it switches from faux documentary to straight up action flick without much explanation. I wish it would have stayed one or the other. But that's me being seriously picky to try and find something I didn't care for in this movie. FOOK!

10. House of the Devil/Drag Me To Hell - Both of these films reminded me that, in a world full of Hostels and Friday the 13th remakes, fun and scary movies are still being made. While Drag Me To Hell pushes on the gas for the entire film, house of the Devil takes about 2/3 of the movie just setting up the Hitchcockian tension. But when you get to the payoff, you'll be crying for your mother.

11 - In The Loop - The Office meets the Bush White House. Sure, a lot of the characters are stock, but in a movie with so many characters and so much going on, there isn't a lot of depth that they can be given. Nothing beats seeing James Gandolfini telling someone he looks "like squeezed dick". I still don't know if I get that, but it made me laugh.

12. Inglorious Basterds - In a watershed year for war movies, Basterds is easily the most fun and balls-to-the-wall crazy. Who cares if the ending isn't what really happened in WWII? Ah wahnt mah scalps!

13. Moon - Much like how the movies listed at #10 made me feel better about the state of horror movies, films like Moon let me sleep better knowing that thought provoking sci-fi movies are still alive and well. While I feel like the "reveal" of the film happened too soon, that is but a small complaint in a movie carried by Sam Rockwell. And Sam Rockwell. Heh heh...I said "moon" and "reveal". Sounds like high school all over again.

14. Star Trek - I hated all Star Trek television shows and avoided all but one of the movies before this summer's "reboot" of sorts. I don't care if it had plotholes you could drive the Enterprise through or that everything was too shiny. I had a blast watching this movie. It needed more Eric Bana though. Then again, I think that about 95% of the movies I see.

15. Sugar/Big Fan - Just like 500 Days of Summer showed how romantic comedies can be done in new and exciting ways, Big Fan and Sugar were refreshing alternatives to the washed up, inspirational sports movies Disney vomits out every year. Want an ultra-real tale of what it's really like to be a Dominican player trying to break into the major leagues? Want to see what happens to the biggest NY Giants fan in the world when he gets attacked by his favorite player? Snap these two movies up and thank me later. With money.

16. Taken - Story? Why would you need story when Liam Neeson can kick ass all across Europe for an hour and a half?

17. The Hangover - I can't tell whether this movies was insanely funny or if the quality of comedies these days are so poor that The Hangover stood out more than usual. Either way, it's the most quotable comedy to come along since Anchorman. Classic!

18. The Hurt Locker - Alphabetical order or not, this was by far the best movie I saw all year. Just thinking about this movie again weeks later makes my hands sweat. Aside from an odd side-story involving a young Iraqi kid, this movie will Stranglehold you with its tension for 2 hours. Yes, that means this movie is Nugent Approved.

19. The Messenger - The second best movie about the Iraq war of 2009? Forget the emolicious Brothers and watch the underrated Woody Harrelson and the even-more underrated Ben Foster go door to door telling families that their loved ones have been killed in war. And Steve Buscemi has a supporting role, so you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

20. Up In The Air - Fantastic acting and directing make this movie a lot better than I would have thought. It really did come out at the perfect time and is the first movie to really take a close look at the economy we live in right now. My one complaint? Not enough Jason Bateman. Not enough Patrick Bateman either. Not quite blonde, are we? More of a dirty blonde...

Special Awards:

Most Disappointing: Bruno - I loved Borat. This movie...just wasn't funny. "Oh, you're dressed in a leather harness and humping the security guard at the zoo. Then what?"

Worst Ending: Knowing - Wait, so were they aliens or angels? Scientologists? An emo band? Just give me the answer!

Most Boring: Public Enemies - Never has there been a movie with so many actors I enjoy and a director I love that made me wish it was over so I could leave.

Best Use of Fake Genetalia (Make and Female): Antichrist - I still can't tell if this movie was genius or the worst thing I've ever seen. And I don't want to watch it again to find out because...well...I'm not a fan of multiple counts of genital mutilation.

Chip Wesley

1. New Moon
2. New Moon
3. New Moon
4. Taylor Lautner on SNL
5. Leaked trailer for Twilight: Eclipse on Access Hollywood
6. New Moon
7. New Moon
8. Robert Pattinson Pepsi Commercial
9. Wilford Brimley's Diabetes Dancemix
10. Waiting in line for New Moon with other New Moon fans, discussing our hopes, dreams and favorite/least favorite teachers.

Chip Wesley's REAL List (Even gayer than the fake one!)

Alright, so I don't see enough movies to have a formal best of list and I've been told I can't list New Moon 10 times. So instead here's a list of every movie I saw that was released in 2009, good or bad.

I Love You, Man - Paul Rudd and Jason Segal have some quotable lines and any movie with Lou Ferigno gets my approval. Grade: B

Monsters vs. Aliens - Having kids now, this is the type of flick in my wheelhouse any more. Overally pretty good. Some pop culture references will become dated over time. Grade: B-

Adventureland - Chaim Witz and I nearly had a limp-wristed slapfight over this one. He likes this movie while I hated it. The overall story was good but the acting sucked ass. Eisenberg and Stewart were a horrible couple and Ryan Reynolds' performance had "I'm mailing this in, just give me my paycheck" written all over it. A decent movie fallen victim to bad casting. Grade: C-

17 Again - Cheesy, dumb, mindless. Those are what I expected going in, and that's what I got out of it. I'll grade this better than Adventureland simply because my low expectations didn't lead me to disappointment. That and an outtake where Jim Gaffigan says "I have diarrhea," after saying his scripted line. Grade: C

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Better than X-Men 3 but not as good as X-Men. Watching will.i.am get killed by a mutant was a plus at least. Grade: B-

Star Trek - J.J. Abrams reboots the franchise for a new generation. This ain't your nerdy basement-dwelling uncle's Star Trek! I've never been a fan of the series but after seeing Abrams version I'm on board for this one. Grade: B+

Up - Pixar once again doesn't disappoint. Then again have they ever disappointed? If you don't count that time Owen Wilson was a talking car, then no, no they haven't. Grade: A-

The Hangover - One of the best comedies in years and finally a chance for mainstream audiences to see the brilliance of Zack Galiafinakis. Grade: A

Food, Inc. - Serious eye-opening documentary about our national food supply. In the end it really just made me feel shittier about myself when I eat quarter pounders. Grade: B+

The Proposal - Mediocre romantic comedy that could've been slightly better if Sandra Bullock was remotely likable in it. Grade: C-

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Way better than the book! (NOTE: I haven't read the book) Grade: B

The Ugly Truth - Cliche and formulaic comedy that gets bonus points for being raunchier than expected. Katherine Heigl, will you please just show your tits already? No one believes a sex scene where you wear your bra the whole time. Grade: C

It Might Get Loud - Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge talk about their life as a guitarist. Great film if you love rock music, or any of the bands these three have played in. Watching it made me want to listen to all my Zeppelin albums again. Grade: B

"Assholes."

It Might Get Loud

Put three influential axemen in a room and see what happens. Perhaps that is the seed that first entered Davis Guggenheim and the production team's minds when they decided to make It Might Get Loud. Guggenheim, who is perhaps best known for directing An Inconvenient Truth, makes an interesting choice in the three guitarists he chooses to profile. In the days of Guitar Hero video games, the term 'rock God' gets thrown around quite a bit, and in this movie it takes an interesting direction. More than anything, the movie profiles Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White.

Does Jimmy Page even need any introduction? The soft spoken and reserved guitarist and song writer for Led Zeppelin, Page has penned some of hard rock's most recognizable guitar riffs and has long been known to be as equally immersed in creepy black magic as he is at guitar. The Edge comes to us by way of Ireland, being the guitar man for U2. He's a curious choice, as you'd guess that a documentary about guitar playing wouldn't feature a rhythm guitar player. Perhaps Page put it's best when he describes The Edge as a "sound architect", using multiple guitar effects pedals to get U2's signature sound. Jack White, known to most for his work in The White Stripes and The Raconteurs, is the up-and-comer that's already been able to forge a signature sound. Much more so than any of the others, White has more of an outward and aggressive demeanor.

Much of the movie goes into character study. We get the whole background of Jimmy Page growing up in England and how he's introduced to the guitar: his family moved into a new house when he was a boy, and the previous homeowners left an acoustic guitar there. From there we see a teenage Page playing in a kind of English rockabilly band and from there moving on to become an accomplished session player before moving on to The Yardbirds and ultimately Led Zeppelin. Page boasts a friggin' huge record collection, and he plays many of his favorite cuts, most notably an old 45 of "Rumble", where Page says he really got the itch to play with a more thick, heavy sound. The filmmakers even follow him to a countryside mansion where Zeppelin recorded IV, and he shows us where Bonham laid down the drum tracks in the front foyer.

The Edge comes from a working class section of Dublin during a time of economic hardship. We find that U2 is the only band he's ever been in, and it all started by way of a post-it note on his school's bulletin board. He freely admits that for the longest time he was not technically adept at playing the guitar, but he had a sound in mind that he wanted to achieve. The Edge even shows us how he plays typical guitar chords in a different fashion which gives it more of the U2 ringing sound. The biggest nugget we get, though, is how he uses guitar effects. If you've ever listened to U2 from The Joshua Tree and on, you know much of U2's sound is driven by echo effects on the guitars. We get to see that he has an entire board of guitar effects that all run through a giant computer. The Edge even plays the main hook to "Elevation" both with and without the effects. Without the effects, it's simply two chords.

Jack White definitely likes to give off the throw-back vibe. We see him driving an old car in Tennessee, making a one string guitar on his porch with a coke bottle and some wire, and he's always seen in his signature porkpie hat. Oddly, much of the film has Jack White being followed by a "young Jack" White, a 9 year old boy dressed like White, presumably supposed to be him in his formative years. We also travel to Detroit, where White grew up and worked as an upholster and found a musical partner in his boss (they even formed a band called The Upholsters). White talks at length of how he likes things stripped down and pure, frequently mentioning his favorite record, an old Son House piece from way back. White even tells us that he likes to struggle with his guitars, and that his White Stripes "number one" is a red plastic guitar from a department store.

The entire movie, naturally, has great music playing in the background. Mostly interspersed over old footage, we see all three of the musicians in past and present day footage. Page almost seems apprehensive to let people into his mind or his technique, though we do get some boner-inducing shots of his playing some Zeppelin classics for the other two. The Edge opens up a but more, even pulling out some old demo cassette tapes where we got to hear some Joshua Tree Era stuff. White leaves nothing left to the imagination. As I said, he was bay far the most open of three, even recording some stuff on an old reel-to-reel. And he seemed hungry to impress the others ("I want to trick these guys into showing me their tricks), showing how he came up with an idea to incorporate a vocal mic into a guitar, allowing him to get that distorted vocal sound that's evident to those familiar with White's work.

The whole movie builds towards the end, where all three will be in the same room, culminating in an epic jam. This is where the movie falls short. There is little to no chemistry between the three with only White seeming to want something big to happen. After a few awkward jams where The Edge clearly was uncomfortable trying to play some lead lines, we were treated to the movie's gem - a jam on The Band's big hit, "The Weight". The Edge and White handle the vocals when Page makes it clear that he doesn't/can't sing.

This is a movie that will appeal to fans of the musicians involved and those who are big into guitar playing. It's a wholly enjoyable movie, but one that could have been much more. Instead of an in-depth look at the guitar, it's more of an overview of the men themselves, almost a Greatest Hits look instead of what really makes them tick. We do get some interesting back stories, but they're ones that could easily be read on the artist's Wikipedia pages. That being said, the music and the cinematography make it an overall positive experience. Unfortunately, I can't stop from wondering what might have been.

Thunder Matt Review: 7 stars out of 10

Movies I’m Not Looking Forward To

I like movies, a lot. I enjoy watching, quoting and re-watching. While these opinions are mine and solely mine I do not expect the rest of the TMS Staff to agree with me, rather I expect them some one like Chaim to throw a foamy latte back in my face because it makes him farty and bloated (I’m the intern, its a challenge to get it without excessive foam)

The Final Destination

OK, so the series has gone on long enough and they are effectively killing the franchise of horror flicks that brought in tons of money. Frankly I don’t understand how there got to be so many of them in the first place (with this one it brings it to four) but it has raked in $316,000,000. The power of the almighty dollar.

But what is even more bizarre is that the ratings have gone up with each subsequent version of the movie, yet it is still way below par with reviews not even meeting the two star out of four in most cases.

Besides, the new previews for it are hilarious... there appears to be a girls head caught in the sun roof of a car as it goes through the automated car wash with saw blades, a escalator that collapsed to reveal human eating machines and a plane that crashes into a back yard. What is this? Donnie Darko?

All About Steve

This movie suffers from what I like to call Seth Rogan Disease. Bradley Cooper and the small asian man are at it again in a movie that tries to be a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock. I am already tired of Seth Rogan, but now they are taking Bradley Cooper and throwing him into anything that remotely resembles a comedy.

You can also tell if a movie is going to suck from the number of trailers that are on TV. This movie isn’t due to come out until September 4, but ads have been on TV now for at least three weeks. The sheer amount of ads for it (I saw three in one 30 minute sitting) tell me it that the producers go “Shit, this movie sucks, we are going to lose a lot of money. Lets advertise the shit out of it so that people just go to the movies and once they buy that ticket the money is ours. If they walk out because its terrible, they walk out.”

Sorority Row

A killer is on the loose in a small college town and killing hot Sorority girls, making it a dude movie that you can take your girlfriend to because its a horror movie. I love how generic the scenes are in the preview. You could literally switch the titles between any generic horror movie (House of Wax, etc) with this preview and you would think its a different movie because the title is the only different thing.

Its like a Nickelback Song: Insert power chords, Chad Kroger and a hook that follows 4-4- time pattern and wha-la you have a terrible song that sounds like every other Nickelback song.

TMS Roundtable: Ghostbusters.

Or, THIS Is What We Do When We’re Not Writing Blog Posts

I'm actually so furious with the last couple of weeks of Cubdom that I can't think straight about the Cubs. When I learned that AAron Miles' OPS+ is like 20, I had to lay down for a minute. When I learned that even Neifi Perez in 2006 had an OPS+ of 53 I almost punched a hole in the Space-Time continuum to kill Jim Hendry before he was born.

So, I'm having trouble writing about baseball.

Instead, I thought I’d give another, much more lucid account of what goes on when TMS bartenders hang out in the break room (Per TMS Head Bartender Chip Wesley: “Well it's not Cubs-related so I don't see why it wouldn't be suitable for TMS”)

You may or may not know this, but the TMS staff is in constant communication via the miracle of email. That’s how we decide whether or not to endorse players like Randy Wells, or excoriate players like Miles. What follows is a transcript of that conversation, cleaned up ever so slightly (I apologize for the length, but you can always skip the boring comments, just like I do in a real email thread).

To set the scene: a couple of weeks ago, Chaim Witz came out with a shocking statement…

Chaim Witz:
I'll probably catch hell for this, but after watching it last night for the first time in years....while it was by no means terrible, and would certainly qualify as 'mildly amusing', I gotta say:

Overrated: Ghostbusters

Wolter:
Chaim, you couldn't be more wrong on the wrongingest day of your life with an electrified wronging machine.

Lingering Bursitis:
"Pompous PR flack slanders Ghostbusters unprompted; loses cushy job and all credibility regarding movies"

Arcturus:
Chaim: Gotta disagree with you on that one, although to be fair, Wolter and I probably got to experience the movie at a much younger age. Ghostbusters is one of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater.

Chaim Witz:
Defend it for me then. Sure, it's a nice piece of nostalgia, but unlike a movie like Back to the Future, it doesn't hold up to me. The plot is threadbare, even for what it is, it's only intermittently funny (courtesy mostly of Bill Murray) and the special effects are atrocious unless you view them in an 'awww, isn't that cute' way.

*****

Have you guys seen it recently though? Just because it was good when you were a kid doesn't mean it's still good today. There are a lot of 80's movies that are that way.

The only time I LOL'ed was the 'dickless' joke.

*****

Note, I didn't say it was "bad", just overrated. No way is that one of the best movies of the 80's. Dan Akroyd? Just not funny, sorry. Neither is Harold Ramis. If not for Murray (and sadly, Rick Moranis), that movie would be as forgettable as most of my posts.

Brant Brown:
"PR lackey shocked by firing; maintains that 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' is better than 'Ghostbusters'"

The Hundley:
Chaim is guilty of "Pulling a [INSIDE JOKE WITH THE POTENTIAL FOR A LIBEL CHARGE EXCISED]" here. I disregard it all.

Brant Brown:
I have a strong feeling that I would agree with Chaim on Ghostbusters, so I intend to keep it locked away in my memories. I do always remember thinking that the marshmallow man was out of place, even when I was young.

Wolter:
I watch Ghostbusters on a surprisingly regular basis, Chaim. I love it oh-so-very-much.

Arcturus:
I've seen it many times, Chaim, most recently about a month ago, and I still enjoy it immensely. I'm not going to say it's the greatest movie of all time, but I think it’s held up pretty well, special effects aside. Those were good for their time and are now outdated, although I find they have a kind of charm.

I think many of us have gotten spoiled by CGI, but GB has action sequences I can follow without giving myself a headache. I watched the first Transformers movie and everything moves so fucking fast I have problems telling who's fighting who and who's doing what. In GB, when they're shooting the streams at the ghosts, I can actually tell what the hell is going on. I kinda like that.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but I love the movie. Bill Murray is the best part of it, but the way the rest of the cast interacts is pretty solid.

Wolter:
I love Aykroyd's pseudoscience. Also, the Moranis Lewis Tuttle party sequence was largely ad-libbed, which is massively impressive.

Arcturus:
Ernie Hudson has probably the most under-appreciated role in that movie. I fucking love Winston.

Wolter:
I think Ghostbusters is probably the movie (outside of maybe the original Star Wars trilogy) that I have quoted the most in my life. It's my Casablanca.

*****

Or, I should say "my Caddyshack?"

Former Bartender Jordi Scrubbings:
I'll admit Ghostbusters is a different movie from a kid to an adult, especially after you experience college. As a kid you are amazed at the idea of catching ghosts and the photon pack, etc. As an adult you get more into the relationships - the Ghostbusters with the college (awkward and forced at best), Peter with Dana (completely unprofessional), and the Ghostbusters with the city. Keep in mind, too, that it followed Caddyshack and was a reunion of some of Second City's greatest alumni. Why it is based in NY and not Chicago is beyond me - maybe as a response to Blues Brothers?

Although random, what I am trying to say is that I still like Ghostbusters. It’s just for different reasons.

The Hundley:
Yeah, after I got to college I said, "That's it; I'm done trying to catch ghosts".

Wolter:
The Hundley just made me laugh out loud. Hard. A coworker just peeked in.

One thing I never noticed as a kid that I do as an adult: everyone smokes like a fucking chimney in that movie.

*****

The reason it's probably not a huge ode to Chicago is that Aykroyd (the main force behind its original creation) was from the Toronto Second City, where Ramis had also done a lot of work. The Firehouse base is based on the Toronto Second City's location, and that scene was very much homage to the early days there.

White Chili:
I still can't wrap my head around Belushi playing the part of Peter.

Wolter:
What about John Candy in the Moranis role? If it weren't for Splash conflicting, it would have happened.

Chaim, you have inadvertently strengthened my resolve to watch Ghostbusters again, post-haste.

Hey, Arcturus. Here's some Ernie Hudson love: a remixed trailer with him as the star of a much darker supernatural thriller:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Olfn5LvcnnY&feature=player_embedded

Jordi Scrubbings:
Interesting for gb1, but I could not see Annie Potts being turned on by a geeky John Candy in gb2. No way.

Actually Candy and Sigourney Weaver is kinda unbelievable as well.

Arcturus:
Murray was perfect for Venkman. I have a hard time seeing Belushi in the part. He's sleazy enough, sure, but Murray makes the part. Dana says he's like a game show host. Murray really makes that aspect of the character shine through.

Loved the Ernie Hudson vid, Wolter. He's one of the best parts of that movie for me, despite the fact that he really has very little to do.

Ghostbusters II is utterly horrible, though. I did just recently watch that on TV the other day and it's godawful.

Wolter:
Ghostbusters II is terrible.

[We talk about other Bill Murray vehicles for a while. But SOMEONE can't let this go.]

Chaim Witz:
Back to Ghostbusters for a sec: Ernie Hudson is under -appreciated? That's because he doesn't come until halfway through the movie, has nothing to do and has maybe 10 lines the whole movie. They might has well have just called him, 'black guy that smokes'.

Wolter, you're right about the smoking. Just chain smoking throughout.

Wolter:
No small roles, Chaim.

Chaim Witz:
Another thing you don't notice as a kid is how basically everything is superficial and they don't even make an attempt to explain anything, save for a few lines of mumbo jumbo spouted off by Aykroyd.

Not that I wanted the movie bogged down with a lot of unnecessary exposition that sucks the fun out of it, but you do notice how they go from Point A to B to C rather quickly, while skipping over how they got to each point.

Trivial qualms I suppose. It was still fun, just not nearly as good as I had hoped it to be.

Wolter:
Man, if they actually tried to explain the Ghost Science, I suspect I would love that movie significantly less.

White Chili:
It's easier to explain using Twinkie logic.

Arcturus:
There is a ton of smoking in the movie.

And who needs scientific explanations for all the crazy shit they do? I don't want it to be like Star Trek, where you've got every nerd under the sun debating on whether or not warp drive is possible.

Egon says, "Hey, there's a good chance we could capture and hold a ghost indefinitely." They have a big red box they put the ghosts in, which works until the EPA shuts off the power. That works pretty good for me because it's basically a comedy and it doesn't really matter how any of it works.

And the Twinkie explanation is fucking brilliant.

Chaim Witz:
Ok, scientific explanations wasn't what I meant. I guess I'm just a sucker for a "plot". We'll just have to agree to disagree. There are a lot of movies I like that I can't really explain why as well.

White Chili:
You're claiming that Ghostbusters suffers because it's not realistic? Really?

Next you're going to say that Chain Reaction was bad.

Arcturus:
It's all right, Chaim. My wife isn't real big on Ghostbusters either. It's one of those movies that I can't seem to help watching if it happens to be on TV. She'll roll her eyes in disgust and just shake her head. I get that a lot.

Chaim Witz:
That's ok. The Burbs is one of my Top 5 movies ever, and I can in no way defend it or even explain why I like it so much. I just do, dammit.

[With that, the talk gradually subsides to other, even less interesting topics, interspersed with randomly inserted barbs about Ghostbusters from Chaim…who is still horribly, horribly wrong.]

Imagine if we harnessed all that time wasting ability for good, instead of evil.

P.S. - Only 30 pages further into Mason & Dixon. Damn you Pynchon.

The Expendables vs. Machete: Greatest Movie Ever Made

Lawrence of Arabia. The Godfather. Gone With the Wind. Casablanca. These are movies that are universally regarded as masterpieces. Best of the best. Until now...

There are two movies that are coming out next year that will forever change the face of the cinematic horizon: The Expendables and Machete. Each one reads like you gave me millions of dollars and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. I’m going to break down each one and let you decide which movie will be most likely to cause me to give birth to a muscled forearm covered in hair exactly nine months after I see it in the theater.

The Expendables


Plot Summary: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. (obviously)

Main Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Giselle Itié, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger

HOLY SHIT! (fans face with hands) I’m setting the +/- on number of brown people killed in this movie at 1000. I mean, Arnold pretty much took care of 400 single-handedly in Commando. Did I mention that Sly also wrote and directed this thing? Dolph Lundgren, ladies and gentlemen! I thought we had seen the last of The Siberian Express. Willis and Schwarzenegger are pretty much throw-in characters, from what I understand. That alone says how awesome this movie will be. Never mind the fact that a SITTING GOVERNOR is staring in this film. What are the odds Jason Statham is even seen with a shirt, let alone wearing one? I suppose he’ll want to avoid any plot holes and simply use his shirt to kill a few dozen infantry. That’s the showmanship I expect from a production like this. Oh, and Ravi Shankar is listed in the cast as well. Why the fuck not? I would advise against pregnant women and the elderly even ordering tickets for this movie.

Machete


Plot Summary: After being betrayed by the organization who hired him, an ex-Federale launches a brutal rampage of revenge against his former boss.

Main Cast: Danny Trejo, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Robert DeNiro, Steven Segal

This movie is basically an expansion on the fake trailer that was made specifically for the movie Grindhouse. (Caution: some NSFW footage at about the 1:40 mark, tee hee hee). I'd say it pretty much speaks for itself. And when it speaks it doesn't care that you got the part you wanted in the school play. Why can't you be like the other boys? Now cut the grass and get dad a fresh beer.

Right off the bat you'll see that this movie doesn't have the same weight behind the cast, as does The Expendables. I respect that. But you know who doesn't? Danny Trejo, that's who. He basically plays the same character in this movie that he played in Desperado. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you probably shouldn't even be reading this in the first place. Cheech Marin is a shotgun-wielding priest who helps Trejo regulate some vengeance despite having taken a "vow of peace". Bobby DeNiro even has a small role in here as the senator that Trejo is suppose to gun down, and Steven Segal (!!!) makes an appearance as a drug lord. Maybe the casting isn't so weak after all. And let us not forget the ladies. According to Wikipedia, Michelle Rodriguez plays Trejo's assistant / taco maker. Alright. Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba should round out the cast nicely (see what I did there?).

So that's it. Two movies that will have more testosterone than Jason Giambi's gym bag. I leave the decision to you.

**Grabs an infant and crashes through a window on a motorcycle, laughing and shooting into the air**

A Thunder Matt Movie Minute: The Hangover

The Hangover

In Theatres: Friday, June 5th

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: A Las Vegas-set comedy centered around three groomsmen who lose their about-to-be-wed buddy during their drunken misadventures, then must retrace their steps in order to find him.

If Only Real Life Hangovers Were This Funny...

Review: The Hangover is a hard movie to review. In my efforts to come up with creative ways to describe this wacky, wiener tingling Vegas romp, my mind begins to wander and I inevitably get the urge to start quoting it as opposed to reviewing it. So in other words, The Hangover is as imminently quotable as it looks. (And like Anchorman and Borat before it, this quoting will probably get ridiculously old after a while, yet guys like this will press on well after the expiration date.)

Unlike "Apatow comedies", which mix in heart and soul with their raunch, The Hangover is pretty much all cock and balls. Sometimes literally. Part Old School (directed by the same guy)and part Wedding Crashers, the film's plot isn't even worth going into and probably best summed up with a seemingly random string of words and phrases: bachelor party, tiger, stolen baby, missing tooth, blackjack, Mike Tyson, public urination, gay Chinese mobsters, Rain Man, tasers, Holocaust rings, breastfeeding and beards. If you've ever experienced any of these (and who hasn't had a run in or two with a gay Chinese mobster?), then you'll probably love The Hangover.

As an avowed Zach Galifianakis fanboy, I really enjoyed his dumb-guy schtick and the esoteric and bizarre air that he brought to the proceedings. Ed Helms is classic as the whipped nerdy guy and Bradley Cooper does a fine job playing essentially a poor man's Vince Vaughn. Add to that a host of funny, recognizable bit players and over-the-top set pieces and you've got your recipe for a not at all subtle summer comedy that delivers on it's lofty promise.

As I saw this in a packed theatre, where the laughter was as contagious as a case of Vegas herpes, one has to wonder if the film will carry the same oomph when watching it for the 3rd time on DVD over a glass of Chablis and some nice Gruyère cheese. Which, come to think of it, is probably why you should see it in the theatre. Much like Drag Me to Hell, this may not be the best movie you'll see this year, but it will certainly be one of the most, if not the most, enjoyable ones on a gut level. Busting a gut never felt so wrong, but oh so right.

*Make sure to stay for the credits, which contain the best parts of the whole movie, including an image that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Thunder Matt Rating: 69 Dead Vegas Hookers out of 5

A Thunder Matt Movie Minute

Drag Me to Hell

In Theatres: May 29

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: A loan officer ordered to evict an old woman from her home finds herself the recipient of a supernatural curse, which turns her life into a living hell. Desperate, she turns to a seer to try and save her soul, while evil forces work to push her to a breaking point.

Review: Although director Sam Raimi is best known for the uber-popular Spiderman trilogy, hipsters will tell you that his real street cred lies in his earlier work on such campy delights as Darkman and the Evil Dead series - which admittedly I haven't seen...I know! (Ducking hipster-thrown rotten avocados and bacon...get it, because they're too hip for tomatoes...oh never mind.) Drag Me to Hell marks a return to his early roots, and what a triumphant comeback it is. (Think more George Foreman and not Brett Favre.)

Put simply, Drag Me to Hell was the most fun I've had at the movie theatre this year.

While the plot and story won't be winning any awards for originality, the film contains more laughs (both intentional ones and knowingly unintentional ones), scares and gross out moments then any horror movie I've seen in years.* Normally horror films seem to fall into one of three categories: your standard 'scary guy who walks at a medium pace and chases teens with a sharp weapon', torture porn (Saw, Hostel) and remakes of Japanese supernatural horror films (The Ring) that take themselves way too seriously.

DMTH exits outside of this realm and is all the better for it. If blood and guts isn't your bag, have no fear; besides a classic scene involving a bloody nose, there isn't a drop in sight. Conversely, for those of you leery of the PG-13 rating, let me also put your fears to ease. There is plenty of stuff to gross you out (think gooey, slimy and icky) and it really pushes it's rating; the fact that it didn't get an R probably stems solely from the lack of swearing, which I didn't even notice until after the fact.

Much like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, this movie is best scene in a packed theatre, where the screams, groans and laughs of the audience only add to overall sense of camp and fun. This Movie City News piece sums up the audience effect better than I ever could, but let me just say that you shouldn't have to be dragged to see this movie. It's cool as hell.

*I'm not even a big horror movie guy and I loved this. Let me go on record as saying it contains the best 'parking garage fight scene' ever. Ever.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4.5 Pairs of Dentures out of 5

UP

Release Date: May 29

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: By tying thousands of balloon to his home, 78-year-old Carl Fredricksen sets out to fulfill his lifelong dream to see the wilds of South America. Right after lifting off, however, he learns he isn't alone on his journey, since Russell, a wilderness explorer 70 years his junior, has inadvertently become a stowaway on the trip.

Review: Having only really jumped aboard the Pixar bandwagon starting with Ratatouille, I'm probably not qualified to say, "Pixar's done it again". But I will. "Pixar's done it again."

Up is a charming, heartfelt and brilliantly illustrated tale about a widowed (and cantankerous) old man and the friendship he develops with a neighbor boy and the adventures they encounter while flying his balloon-powered house to South America.

Again, citing my Pixar history ignorance, I am going to have to assume that his is one of the more random, esoteric and original films in the Pixar canon, certainly moreso than Ratatouille or Wall E. You never really know where the film is going next and it doesn't follow any Screenwriting 101 format, which is certainly to it's credit. A random island filled with dogs that talk via their collars? Sure, why not? Fights atop a blimp filled with the skeletal remains of dinosaurs? Oh, don't worry, they didn't forget to include a scene like that.

Once again proving that Pixar movies are for all ages and not just kiddies, the first 15 minutes of the film are more honest and touching than anything you'll probably see on the screen all year. It's pretty dang hard not to get a little choked up (at the beginning of the movie no less) while watching a montage of a younger Walter and his wife Ellie go through life only to have Ellie get sick. Parents should fear not; the sad parts are an exercise in subtlety and good taste...Old Yeller it ain't.

I saw this in 3D, with real glasses and not those cheapo red and white kind you remember from the cereal boxes. If you get a chance, I highly recommend you see it in this format. It really works in way that adds depth and texture, as opposed to the 'things coming at you' way. It serves to add an extra layer of depth to the experience of an already great film.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 Balloons Out of 5

Friday Morning Spew

I figure if ladies man and inhuman freak of nature Larry King could spend 20 years working for USA Today as a syndicated columnist by vomiting stream of consciousness statements and the occasional plug for a celebrity project,¹ then this can't be too hard. Let's see how I do.

After Kevin James and Seth Rogen both took the plunge, who's the next Hollywood Heavyweight to star in a Wacky Mall Security Guard vehicle? The smart money is on Chris Farley's Painfully Unfunny Right Wing Lunatic Brother......Some people may prefer A.J. for his plus fastball and dazzling curve, but MSNBC's Erin Burnett's dazzling curves can be on my fantasy team any day.......Sure it was loaded with clever wordplay and knowing references, but I think Edward Everett Horton's voice work is what made the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show special......Jimmy John's may claim to be "America's #1 Sandwich Delivery," but faced with a choice, I would have Potbelly Sandwich Works......Rashida Jones seems to be a very pretty lady. I had no idea her father was famed producer Quincy Jones. Her mother must have been hot as hell......When one is an atheist raised by Southern Baptists participating in a passover seder with your fiancee's family, try not to switch Israel and Egypt. It doesn't go over well......For my money, a sciatica outbreak is the best way to remind yourself you aren't a teenager anymore. I'm glad I still have some leftover vicodin, but I hope it hasn't expired......Anyone else remember the song "A Deeper Shade of Soul" by Urban Dance Squad? Man that sucked.......The vicodin is kicking in. I can't feel my fingers......I am shocked and saddened by the death of Angels starter Nick Adenhart. But not a deep enough man to then speculate about how the Angels will fare in the first month of the season missing 3/5 of the planned rotation. If I believed in a hell, I would be going there......Hank Williams III is my favorite member of that celebrated country family, if only for his slam on Kid Rock for pretending to to be the heir to the legacy......I may be a godless heathen who hates the troops, but Captain America riding a motorcycle over Nazi lines while his sidekick shoots them with a tommy gun gives me what I can only call a "'F*&K YEAH' hard-on for the USA."......Why are ants with human faces crawling all over my monitor?......I think every Friday is Good, so why is the Roman Catholic Church so big on today? Must be sweeps week......The ants are shrieking accusations at me......Who ever expected Iowa to legalize gay marriage before California, or as I call it "America's Gomorrah?"......Do they still sell Teddy Grahams? I mean, I know Tato Skins are still around......Dixie Carter is a registered Republican that leans Libertarian. Think on that the next time you sit around in your underwear watching a "Designing Women" marathon on We and Julia Sugarbaker gets all Liberal and shit......I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!......I can see why Hugh Laurie's American brother loves this stuff. I feel like I could make rude observations and diagnose the critically ill with aplomb......I'm sleepy. Wolter go bed now.

---

1. I know that link is technically to the Onion parody of King, but it's almost identical in style to what he wrote.

A Thunder Matt Movie Minute

I Love You Man

Release Date: March 20th

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: Friendless Peter Klaven (Rudd) goes on a series of man-dates to find a Best Man for his wedding. But when his insta-bond his new B.F.F.(Segel) puts a strain on his relationship with his fiancee (Jones) can the trio learn to live happily ever after?

Review: I Love You Man is an easy movie to like, if not love. I don't know that I'm ready to drop the L bomb on this movie yet, but it certainly achieves at least booty call status. It's a one joke movie, but when that joke is executed by Paul Rudd, it's pretty funny.

Working in it's favor are the comic stylings of Rudd, the gorgeous Rashida Jones (the 'other chick' from The Office), Lou Ferigno, fish tacos, projectile vomit, awkward phone conversations, botched nicknames and funny bit parts by Andy Samberg and Jon Favreau (rocking a self proclaimed 'Jew fro'). Working against is are the slightly overrated if unoffensive presence of Jason Segal and the music of Rush, which plays a pivotal role in this film. Listening to Rush is a painful experience that harkens me back to the time (last week) when I was circumcised by a bewildered Jerry Lewis.

In summary, if Role Models, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Lou Ferigno were to have a 3 way, this would be the spawn. Odds are, that poor mother would probably die in childbirth though.

Thunder Matt Rating: 3.5 'Geddy Lee is a dude?'s out of 5

Sunshine Cleaning

Release Date: March 20th (Select cities...in the words of Letterman, just pray that your city has been selected!)

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: In order to raise the tuition to send her young son to private school, a mom (Amy Adams) starts an unusual business -- a biohazard removal/crime scene clean-up service -- with her unreliable sister (Emily Blunt).

Review: From the producers of Little Miss Sunshine, this film seems to be marketed as such: the quirky, yet accessible indie comedy. It's a much darker affair, peppered with some dark humor, mostly courtesy of Alan Arkin, playing the same curmudgeonly character that he did in the aforementioned LMS. Amy Adams really elevates the material, which at times veers dangerously into Lifetime Movie territory before finally finding it's groove towards the end. Adams has quietly become one of the better actresses out there and her flowing crimson locks assure that she won't be ignored by either the Academy or the selection committee for Realm of Red.

It's a minor, trifle affair that your girlfriend will probably enjoy more than you will, but that you won't be any worse for the wear for seeing. Watching two beautiful, brainy actresses hone their craft isn't the worst thing in the world, especially when complemented by Alan Arkin selling shrimp out of the back of his trunk.

Thunder Matt Rating: 3 Murder/Suicides Out of 5

Miss March

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: After four years in a coma, Eugene Pratt is going to be reunited with his high school sweetheart...on pages 95-97.

Review: Avert your eyes. This Playboy themed road trip comedy is one of the worst atrocities ever committed to celluloid. I don't even want to waste my time writing about it other than to tell you to stay the hell away. The biggest crime against humanity is that it's an R-rated comedy about Playboy, yet somehow they managed to not work in any nudity. This is like finding your dad's stash of porn...but it ends up being all dude-on-dude porn. Oh Dad!

Thunder Matt Rating: 0 Signs of the declining relevance of Hugh Hefner Out of 5

Thunder Matt Movie Minute: Watchmen

For this review, I have enlisted the help of resident comic nerd Wolter to help me deconstruct this year's most anticipated film. I just finished reading the novel about a week ago and that was the first 'graphic novel' that I've ever read, having not read an actual comic since I used to devour 'Richie Rich' comics as a pre-pubescent lad (no wonder I'm so pretentious). Wolter on the other hand, has intimate knowledge of the subject matter. And by intimate, I mean he has had sex with the novel. Don't knock it til you try it. We'll spare you the details of the trying to explain the plot. You can do that legwork yourself.


IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: "Watchmen" is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the "Doomsday Clock" - which charts the USA's tension with the Soviet Union - is permanently set at five minutes to midnight. When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the washed up but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion - a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers - Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity... but who is watching the Watchmen?

Review

Chaim: Watchmen comes to us as the most anticipated comic/graphic novel since Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. It's length is Lord of the Rings-esque, it's violence stylized yet brutal and it's scope is sometimes too complex for it's own good and for the mere mortals trying to take it all in.

For those who are unfamiliar with the dark noir world of graphic novel that the movie is based upon (Voted one of Time Magazine's '100 Greatest Novels of All Time') the best way I could describe it would be if George Orwell's book 1984 made love to the movie Sin City and had a child, but then gave it up for adoption to David Lynch and Hunter S. Thompson, that child would grow up to be Watchmen. Sound a bit complex and slightly disturbing? Welcome to the show.

Wolter, you can probably speak to this better than I can, but I did feel that for the most part, the movie stayed very true to the novel, which may please the die hards, but alienate the casual viewer. Gone are the pirate ship sub-story and the news stand guy, and the ending is tweaked a bit for mass consumption, but other than that and a few other slight omissions, the book seemed to be the storyboard for the movie.

Wolter: I agree. In fact, last night I picked Watchmen off the shelf and started sort of half-rereading it. It's amazing how much was directly from it (at least in the first 30 minutes of the movie). Rorschach's diaries are pretty much identical, even down to what's being shown as he talks. And a lot of the signs and graffiti were pretty much directly transferred. It's pretty clear that the original source panels were converted directly into storyboards for much of the film.

Of course, such reverence could easily make the film turgid and hard to follow (which, for all I know it is - I really need to rewatch it now that I have "OHMYGOD I'M WATCHING THE WATCHMEN" out of my system). But pretty much all of the major plot changes and omissions worked for me. In fact, I think the changed ending is actually a more plausible plot device, and works better in almost every way. Oh, and I support Sally Jupiter aging into a GILF...but I'm shallow that way.

I did love the "tip of the cap" to the fans by including a brief view of the "newstand guy" and the "comics reader" near the end. Sort of a "yeah, we had to cut the Black Freighter, but you know it was still going on, fanboys."

Another observation: the score was a bold and largely successful decision. The use of mostly period songs (with a smattering of 60s songs) and a sort of 80s-movie style guitar/synth highlighting (is that the right term? I suspect not) really worked for me. It really put the movie in the proper (alternate) time frame.

I think this movie may do poorly later in the run, as it's definitely not The Dark Knight, Iron Man or Spider-Man. I'm not 100% sure how Snyder got the budget to make what has always been a niche read comic meta text ruminating on such subjects as the comics industry and the way the American Dream flirts with fascism.

Chaim: The soundtrack was ballsy, but yeah, it worked. Putting Hendrix, Dylan, Simon & Garfunkel and Leonard Cohen in key spots could have really been a disaster, but I thought it worked.

Do you think that someone that sees the film without any preconceived notions might see it as a bit cold and detached though? I will say that I think that it's easier to get away with that type of heavy tone in a book than on film.

Wolter: I think it's possible. I told my girlfriend (in as spoiler-free a manner as possible) that if I didn't know how his character sees the world from the get-go, I might have felt that Billy Crudup was way too flat and detached in his line reads.

The whole trick of the original graphic novel is that none of the characters are fully likable at all times (except for maybe Hollis Mason). Depending on the point in the story, I have felt sympathy with and revulsion regarding almost every character's morals and behavior.

An example: in many ways, Rorschach is the most heroic character of all, and the only one who stays true to his ideals - and he's actually an unlikable psychopath that is more or less a straight caricature of the Ayn Randian Objectivism and moral certitude of comics legend Steve Ditko (whose Question is the inspiration for his character). In both the original source and the movie, he ends up brutally torturing more-or-less innocent people to get the information he needs - and he is far more obsessed with retribution than genuine justice.

And now an aside: one of the more disturbing experiences at the screening was hearing all the comics geeks cheering loudly in response to some of Rorschach's more psychotic excesses (particularly in the prison). There's always been a bit of that mindset in vigilante heroes anyway, but the amount of laughter at the fate of the relatively defenseless and (at that point essentially impotent) ringleader was somewhat chilling. And somewhat more chilling: I found myself almost wanting to laugh and cheer along with them - which I believe was the result Moore and Snyder were consciously aiming for.

To get back to the original question: the Watchmen graphic novel rewards careful rereading with insights, and I suspect this film does the same with careful rewatching. However, I'm not 100% sure if the film will attract rewatching in people who weren't already fans. I would like to see it again, but I suspect my views are not those of the average moviegoer.

Chaim: I love that you casually work into the conversation "...the Ayn Randian Objectivism and moral certitude of comics legend Steve Ditko..." That's some Grade A geek speak right there.

My summary for the uninitiated would be this: If you like your comic book characters ambiguous, your violence extreme, your nudity gratuitous, your symbolism deep, your penises blue, your endings somber and your humor dark, this might be the movie for you. Or it might not.

Rating: 3.5 Blue Penises Out of 5

Wolter: For the initiated: If you can wait for the special DVD to see Tales of the Black Freighter, can accept that the original ending would never have made sense on the big screen (heck, be honest, you had to reread the comic just to understand it in the first place), don't have any cockamamie theories about Dr. Manhattan's penis size or circumcision status being symbolic, and can get over the gratuitous freeze-frames and slo-mo sequences during the fights, you probably will enjoy this movie. Very little was added that wasn't in the original, and it's still dense even after the judicious cuts were made. I did think the fight choreography (and to some extent the dreaded FREEZE FRAME AND SLOW MOTION) was out of place. But even if it falls flat on some levels (Nixon looks goofy as hell. There, I said it), remember how hard it is to even be in the ballpark of the source material. And how often will you have the chance to see a live action comics movie that is so visually faithful to the source material?

Honestly, I don't know if this movie is successful on it's own terms or not, but seeing Dr. Manhattan's crystal sanctuary rise up out of the soil of Mars on the big screen is probably worth your greasy, Dorito-stained money by itself. Watch it. You paid good money to see X-Men 3, and this is definitely better than that festering, amoral, crapfest. And, oddly, a lot more fun...

Rating: 4 Sadistic Killings Out of 5 (subject to change)