Ronald McDonald Handicaps Things

We caught up with a drunken Ronald McDonald, makeup smeared and breath reeking of cheap gin, outside of a IHOP in Peoria. He was with a whore. We asked him if he would answer a few questions and handicap various competitions. He stuck with the script for a short time before derailing completely, culminating with him threatening to 'slice (my) dick off' and then doing cartwheels into the street, where he was struck by a car. We believe he is doing ok.

The World Series: It is my firm belief that the Chicago Cubs will win it all this year. This is the year! Wooooooooo! (Starts to dance the 'Macarena') Wait what? They got beat? What the fuck? Are you serious? (Depressed) Oh God. Oh God. Please God no. I had so much money on....shit. This is not good. I need to lay low for a little bit. Just chill the fuck out. Do you have any money I can borrow? Just a few bucks, like ten thousand of them? Oh Sweet Baby Jesus help me. Ok, by default I'll go Yankees? What the shit? Are you kidding me? No dice? Christ. I'm gonna need more money. I think there's an ATM inside IHOP but that fucker charges like a $3 fee. Damn you economy!

The Presidency: I try not to get involved in Presidential politics, ever since my failed bid back in 82'. What do you mean there wasn't an election in 82'? Then why did I waste all that money on the smear campaign I ran against the Hamburgler? This is really fucking great. Just wonderful. (To whore) You get back here! Come here NOW!

So true story. I used to run into McCain occasionally back in the late Eighties. That crazy SOB. One night I was hanging with Johnny Mac, Tommy B and OJ on the Orifice Penetrator and we were all playing a game of gin rummy. OJ kept losing and he was sweating profusely, mumbling something about "killing me some suckas". Tommy was shitfaced and I think he thought we were playing strip poker, because he was basically nude. Long story short, some story comes on the news about the Keating Five and Johnny Mac loses his shit. Starts pulling at his hair, yelling at the screen, "Fuck you assholes! You'll never take me alive!" He proceeds to pull down his pants, fart, punch me in the face and then jump overboard. I've haven't seen him since. It was a dick move, but dammit if he isn't a maverick.

I have my doubts about 'that one' too though. He's African American, which scares me on account that I'm racist. I've also heard that he's going to raise my taxes. Granted, the guy who told me this was standing on a street corner wearing nothing but a sandwich board with the phrases "Boobies!" and "Finland has Nukes!", but I take a man, no matter how crazy, at his word. Then again, after this World Series debacle, I don't have any money left to tax. He does seem like he's for the common man though, and the common man needs Ronald McDonald. He needs fucking McDonalds man. The common man can't afford shit like Applebees and IHOP. Fuck it, we need change. I'll vote for that cat.*

Super Bowl: Is football done already? Oh, you're just asking me who I think will make it? Oh God, I am so drunk. Is this parking lot spinning? Also, do I have a boner? No and yes, you say? You've been a great help. Who does Joe Namath play for? I think his team will probably win it all. Have you seen that new Schick Razors commercial he's in? I need an agent like that. Someone that will fight for me. Do you think Barack Obama would represent me? How about that Sarah Palin? I would really like to have sex with her, I'm not gonna lie to you. (To whore) Get your ass back here! Now! I am your customer and you will listen to me! The customer is always fucking right!

Shark vs Killer Whale: What kind of shark? That question really bothers me. I don't know why, but it made me really sad. (Depressed) Oh my God.

Baseball MVP: In the National League, I think you have to go with Mantle, no doubt about it. No fucking dizzoubt. (Vomit burp) Son of a....I'm gonna have to wash this now. In the AL? Probably Dustin Pedroia.

Big Mac vs. Whopper: (Putting finger drunkenly to lips) Shhhhhhhh....I hate Mark McGwire and I got a Whopper in my pants.

(Ronald then proceed to insult me, shove the whore into a bush and cartwheel into traffic, where he was struck rather violently by a car.)

*Barack Obama does not in any way accept this endorsement.

2008 Cubs Forecast: Gazing into Ronald's Crystal (Meth) Ball

Each week, Ronald McDonald will bring you his fearless, if not slightly inebriated Cubs forecast, position by position. His attempts to stay on subject will most likely fail and this experiment will be probably be abandoned quicker than you can say 'mustache diary'. So here we go with a second installment of this wildly unpopular feature.

Player Name: Ryan Theriot
Position: Reverse Cowgirl
Nicknames: The Riot
Hidden Talent: Impersonating Chip Caray, both in the clubhouse and at home with Chip Caray's wife; firewalking.
2007 Stats: .266 AVG, 3HR, 80 Runs, 28 SB
2008 Forecast: .266 AVG, 3HR, 80 Runs, 28 SB

Overview: Ryan Theriot is a sparkplug. He's the guy that everybody in the clubhouse goes up to and says, "Come here you little fucker", while they give him playful noogies. Ryan doesn't like that.

Growing up in Louisiana, Ryan's youth consisted of playing 'swampball' (which would in turn give him 'swampass') and eating dangerous amounts of jambalaya. He went to college with fellow teammate Mike Fontenot, and some announcers refer to them as the 'Cajun Connection'. Unfortunately, Mike Fontenot's career is on a downward spiral, so the 'Cajun Connection' may soon be a thing of the past, to be remembered alongside other famous duos, such as 'Horny Glen' (Bob Horner and Glen Hubbard) and 'Rape and Pillage' (Jose Mesa and Albert Belle).

Having always been nothing if not consistent, Ryan's 2008 numbers will be identical to last year's, across the board. While some may argue that he needs to take a step forward, I would counter that you should love Ryan Theriot just the way he is, and that he shouldn't change one thing. Which he won't. Plus, the statistical anomaly of having the exact same stats in every category will endear Ryan to Cubs fans forever.

In 2007, fans called for Coach Lou Pinella to 'Start the Riot'. In 2008, The Riot will get out of hand and armed police on horseback be called in. Things will turn ugly and you may be inadvertantly teargassed.

2008 Cubs Forecast: Gazing into Ronald's Crystal (Meth) Ball

Each week, Ronald McDonald will bring you his fearless, if not slightly inebriated Cubs forecast, position by position. His attempts to stay on subject will most likely fail and this experiment will be probably be abandoned quicker than you can say 'mustache diary'. Say what you will, but at least these are Cubs related. Sort of.


Player Name: Derrek Lee
Position: Missionary
Nicknames: Long Dong, Black Al Pacino
Looks Like: The African American dude from the All State insurance commercials.
2007 Stats: .317 AVG, 22HR, 82 RBI's, 6 SB
2008 Forecast: .325 AVG, 62 HRS, 75 RBI's, 0 SB

Overview: Derrek Lee is a monster. He had a somewhat down year in 2007 but he looks to grab 2008 by the lapel and punch it in the Adam's Apple like it's name was Chris Young. An improved work out regime and hot sex life will play a part in his resurgence.

Derrek will break Roger Maris' single season home run record by hitting 62 long dongs. The last one will come on the final day of the season, probably against Steve Traschel. His stolen bases will decline due in large part to laziness.

Most, if not all of his homers will be solo shots. He will begin to question his bad luck and for a while he will blame that new Japanese guy. Racial tensions in the clubhouse will run high, but then Sammy 'Say It Ain't' Sosa will throw on some salsa music and everybody will be like, 'Hey what is this and why is Sammy in here? I will admit, this song does have a pretty good beat. Ay yi yi!' Lou Pinella will throw on a fake mustache and everybody will be dancing around and shit and then the next day Derrek will hit a 2 run-homer (his only of the year) and the racial stuff will all go away until the next losing streak hits.

Derrek Lee will not win MVP but he may win some community service-type award for his charitable contributions. He will also appear in a local Chevy commercial.

Realm of Red Presents: Ronald McDonald Files a Report From the Winter Meetings, Day One

I'll be the first to admit. I have a weight problem. I also have a drinking problem, three children out of wedlock, horrifying cholesterol and a bizarre hatred of the elderly*. But you know what? I also have a great sense of direction. Not so much 'direction in life' so to speak, but getting from Point A to Point B, that kind of shit. Of course that all goes out the window after a couple of Apple Pucker-Absinthe mixers, but that's neither here nor there. What I'm trying to say is that Ronald McDonald doesn't get lost.

So here I am, ready to file my first report from the Winter Meetings. The problem? I'm in Florida. Since when have the winter meetings been in Nashville of all places? That seems both illogical and ill advised. Clearly I should have just Googled the son of a bitch.

Instead, defying all logic, I took direction from a one Thomas Buzanis, who called me from his houseboat. The conversation went something like this.

T: Oh Ronald, hey motherfucker! Why don't you come down to the coast, hop on the houseboat and we'll go fishing for marlins...and WHORES!

(This sounded strangely enticing at the time.)

R: Tommy your reception is really bad. I can barely hear you.

T: Yeah, I'm on my portable phone.

R: A portable phone? On a boat? Jesus 'Miami Vice', do you have a salmon colored blazer on without a shirt too?

T: Yeah, why?

(Pause)

R: Anyway, Tommy I need to go to the winter baseball meetings. It's God's calling for me.

T: I thought God's calling for you was giving children diarrhea by way of greasy, sloppily prepared beef burgers. Naw, come on down here. The meetings are going on right now. I can see them from my boat.

R: That's unlikely. Are you sure you're not thinking of spring training?

T: No, no. They do all that baseball shit down here. Spring Training, Hall of Fame, Home Run Derby, all of it. Come on down. I'll get you a one-on-one with Commissioner Giamatti. Paul.

R: For Christ Sakes Tommy, Bart Giamatti died of a massive heart attack almost 20 years ago.

(Silence)

T: My son likes that band Massive Attack.

R: Huh?

T: (shouting) Hey everybody, drinks on Uncle Tommy. We're gonna toast Commissioner Giamatti. That fat son of a bitch was a good man. (Singing and clapping) Born in the USA! I was...BORN in the USA! (phone goes dead)

So here I am, Day 3 in Florida, holed up on Tommy's houseboat. living off of cheap gin and Gardetto's. To recap my stay here so far:

Day 1: Tommy declares it a 'day of celebration' and invites over Jimmy Johnson, Barry Switzer, Sam Elliot, Pat Hughes and a bevy of Eastern European 'dancers'. He gives us each a copy of The Who's "Tommy", all of which he autogrpahed with a silver Sharpie.

Day 2: We are all decidedly hungover and Tommy declares this a 'day of rest, like Jesus would want'. Tommy's hangover cure all consists of putting a raw steak on our forehead and leaving it there for no less than six hours. This actually seems to make it worse.

Day 3: Tommy spends much of the morning prank calling his ex-wife on his portable phone. Later, we decide to drop by his estranged daughter's high school graduation open house to score some free booze and complimentary ham. This does not go well. After being escorted from the premises by a deceptively strong homosexual couple, we end up at Bennigan's, eating Monte Cristos and steak sandwhiches while splitting a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris. Tommy tells me to regale him with stories about Nam', even though I explain to him repeatedly that I never went to Nam'. He won't let it drop though, so finally I just make some shit up.

Day 4: A mid-morning game of strip poker becomes awkward upon the realization that it's only me and Tommy playing.

Alas, don't worry dear reader. I have a one-way Greyhound pass to Nashville and I'm on the Red-eye out of town in a few hours. I will then be able to file reports on America's past time in a horribly untimely fashion, provided I don't meet up with Mark Grace and end up playing tonsil hockey with Tanya Tucker at a bar called Fat Patty's.

Until next time queers.

*It was this irrational hatred of the elderly that led me to wander into a theatre showing 'No Country for Old Men'. "Goddamn right it isn't", I exclaimed as I walked into the crowded theatre. Long story short, I didn't get it and ended up catching the last 20 minutes of 'Dan In Real Life'. I didn't really get that one either.

A Clearly Intoxicated Ronald McDonald Handicaps the Playoffs

Angels vs. Red Sox

My hometown Halos should be fine, so long as Donnie Moore is shutting the door on bitches come the ninth inning. What? Wait...Donnie Moore committed suicide twenty years ago? Because of a postseason home run he gave up to the Red Sox?

Yeesh. Oh wow, I did not know that. That is...hmmm....I guess I'm going to have to say advantage Red Sox then.

Do you have an address where I can send flowers?

Yankees vs. Indians

With Willie Mays Hayes, Roger Dorn, Pedero Cerrano and Rick 'Wild Thing Vaughn' I really don't see how this team can lose. What? Wait...that was a movie? Nooooo...are you kidding me? Fuck you. This guy. This buzzkill off camera. Feed me some more lines of bullshit why don't you?

Cerrano goes deeeeeeep and makes Chief Wahoo proud. Take that blonde bitchy general manager! Indians sweep.

Rockies vs. Phillies

Brett Myers beats his wife. The Saloon staff draws the line at spousal abuse and so does Ronald McDonald. Advantage Rockies. Plus I think they brew beer in Colorado. Even better. (Pumping fist) Rock-y! Rock-y. Rock-y. I love that movie. (Singing) Head for the mountains of Busch....beer. Owwwwww! Raise it up!

Diamondbacks vs. Cubs

You heard it here first. At the (howling) Saloooooooon! The Cubs make baseball history by winning a Best of Five series in two games. That's right. I'm drunk but I am serious! They win the first two games by so many runs that the Diamondbacks refuse to travel to Chicago, thereby forfeiting the series. I don't know any of the Diamondbacks. I say to you Arizona, "I'm not familiar with your work, nor have I any desire to be. Move along. I shan't be bothered with your Aztec hues and adobe mansions. Do you have a song to rally the troops? A "Go Diamondbacks Go" if you will? No you don't. So go huddle underneath your cactus/retirement home. Or is it cacti? I can't be bothered with such trivial pursuits. Trivia Pursuit. Fucking love that game.

Look me in the eye. Look me in the goddamn eye. I've got something to say. Only gonna say it once. (Burp) Shhhhhh.....(whispers) Go Cubs Go. (Passing out)

The Gist: Drunken Ronald McDonald Recap (Earmuffs)

*The thoughts and views expressed by Ronald McDonald do not in any way represent those of the bartenders here at the Saloon. Except maybe Tommy Buzanis.

It's Ronald bitch.

(Singing) They tried to make me go to rehab, I said (vomit burp)...fuck you. You motherfucker. You thought I was going to sing that Amy Winehouse song. No way. Funny story. I slept with her once. And by 'slept', I mean 'pumped', but you probably figured that out already you sick son of a bitch. I digress. Her nickname for me was 'Big Mac', not so much because I represent McDonalds but because of my giant cock* and the fact that I was linked to Mark McGwire's steroid abuse. I would like to confirm the cock* thing and deny the McGwire rumor. For the record, Mark and I were merely 'golf buddies' and remain so to this day.

The Cubs game. I watched it from a smoky dive bar in Albuquerque, wearing my homemade Jeff Pico jersey (A ratty white t-shirt with the word 'Pico' emblazoned across the chest in permanent marker). As is my M.O., I refuse to wear pants during the last month of a pennant race. This, coupled with my giant red afro, unbearable body odor and five days worth of stubble gives me the distinct appearance of an insane homeless man. I find that this look is helpful for negating mindless and unneeded small talk. One old timer asks if I am Gene Shalit. I deny this baseless accusation, but upon further badgering agree to autograph the bill of his feed cap. I draw a penis on it and write "Gene Shalit says...Your life story makes me sad!"

I'm on my fourth Whiskey Sour when, BOOM, Cliff Huxtable belts a solo blast. The city of Albuquerque goes deathly silent, save for a well timed fart on my part. I start a 'Thunder Matt' chant. One of the old alcoholics slumped by the jukebox, Audrey, joins me in the chant. She clearly has no idea why she is chanting but I encourage her anyway. Another round on Uncle Ronnie!

Carlos Zambrano brought his 'A' game. Rick Ankiel steps to the plate. I start a
'H-G-H!' chant. Audrey soon follows suit. Carlos, fat off a steady diet of Chicken McNuggets and inner rage, fans Rick Ankiel, bringing me to my feet and the woman under me off of her knees.

Derrick May...oh wait, I'm being told by Audrey it was actually Daryle Ward...clears the bases with a double. I get so excited that I start a impromptu 'wave'. This turns out to be a bad idea, as I have been drinking heavily and it would appear that my balance is impaired. I tumble off of my barstool, landing on Aubrey. ("Goddammit Aubrey! I don't even know you anymore!")

The Cubs are leading going into the ninth and everything seems right with the world. Then Ryan Dempster appears out of no where, like a cold cock** to the temple. I am nervous, but with a 5-1 lead I feel confident enough to order a round of Apple Pucker shots in anticipation of the victory. Dempster gives up a home run to Jim Eisenreich...oh wait, I'm once again being corrected by Audrey and told that it was Jim Edmonds. ("Aubrey, I don't know whether to thank you or slap you. Is it Aubrey or Audrey? You don't even know do you? Jesus, get a hold of yourself. You're an embarrassment. No, you shut your mouth!")

Back to the game. I'm getting nervous so I send a quick text message to Charles Grodin. I won't go into what I wrote him but suffice it to say he wrote back 'Fuck you.' Ryan Ludwick then homers. My life is on a downward spiral. Make that Pucker shot a double. Lou comes out and takes the ball from Dumpster, mouthing "I love you but I hate you", his eyes welling with tears. The Cardinals then proceed to load the bases against Bobby Howry, who's balance on the mound is clearly effected by the 16 necklaces that he wears. Who is he, Mr. T? I start to fear that I'm going to need to get 'blackout drunk' to erase the memory of another painful loss. Alas, the day is saved by Aaron Miles who taps out weakly to end the game.

I stand atop the bar and ask for a moment of silence. I begin to stomp my foot and clap at the same time. The crowd is skeptical at first, but given their lack of education and the dangerous amount of alcohol flowing through their bloodstreams, they are quickly won over. They start to clap their hands and stomp their feet as well, though their lack of timing and apparent inability to do them both in unison frustrate me. I question aloud whether or not that are all literally retarded. None-the-less the moment can only be described as 'poignant'. I launch into an a capella version of 'Go Cubs Go', imploring the crowd to sing along with me during the chorus but shhhing them during the verses. ("Audrey, you're fucking it up!")

Then someone throws a quarter in the jukebox and hits G7. 'Baba O'Reilly' penetrates the one working speaker in the bar. Giddy with excitement I jump up, forgetting I'm still atop the bar. I land badly on a rogue shot glass half filled with Apple Pucker and tumble off the bar, landing awkwardly on Audrey. She is suspiciously silent and I fear that I may have killed her. Hoping that no one noticed, I shove her limp body back against the jukebox. I think I need microfracture surgery and may be out of the year. This is not good at all, though I remain optimistic of the Cubs chances. Like the cancer patient who conquers their disease with positive thinking, I will conquer my torn tendon with thoughts of a sustained Cubs playoff run.

(Stream of consciousness in head) Hopefully the hospitals in Albuquerque get WGN. Can you still smoke in hospitals? One would imagine. Hopefully Grodin texts me game updates. Shit, was it Aubrey or Audrey? Go Cubs Go.

*Cock = Rooster
*Yep, for the sake of our younger readers, 'rooster' again.
**Cock = Punch

A Thunder Matt Movie Minute Presents: The Oft-Delayed, Overly Long, Buzanis-Approved Summer Movie Preview

It was a Memorial Day weekend filled with painful Cubs losses in La La Land (oh that bullpen), open pit BBQ's and wacky Lindsay Lohan antics which were clearly fueled by Buzanis-supplied nose candy. But that's neither here nor there. Welcome back to work everyone!

To help ease you into the work week, we have this long-ass summer movie preview manifesto, whose length alone will probably intimidate you from actually reading it. But wait loyal reader (mom)...would it help if I said that this summer preview contains the seasoned wisdom of a one Thomas Buzanis? Yep, now I've got your interest. I enlisted the help of both Tommy and a drunken Ronald McDonald, who along with myself have put together an offensive and unhelpful movie guide. (And yes, Tommy really did contribute). You'll notice that Tommy contributed significantly less than the other two. Let it be said that he had to run over to Jimmy Johnson's annual Memorial Day BBQ, where Tommy's duties included watching the steaks and making his signature drink, Sex on the Beach (with minors). But I digress. Without further ado, here we go.

I Will Wait in a Semi-Long Line to See This, Thank You

Knocked Up
Release Date: June 1st
Website: http://www.knockedupmovie.com/
Synopsis: For fun loving party animal Ben Stone, the last thing he ever expected was for his one night stand to show up on his doorstep eight weeks later to tell him she's pregnant.
Chaim: The funniest movie you'll see all summer. Like The 40 Year-Old Virgin, it's raunch belies it's good natured heart.
Ronald: Guy accidentally knocks up girl, leading to unwanted baby. Sounds like the story of my life, minus the funny jokes and happy ending.
Tommy: Tommy B. is envious of t his story line...they tell me I went sterile a while back due to an unhealthy combination of the Applebee's combo platter and banana daiquiris. Regardless, this looks funny - I will financially support it.

Transformers
Release Date: July 4th
Website: http://www.transformersmovie.com/
Synopsis: Dueling alien races, the Autobots and the Decepticons, bring their battle to Earth, leaving the future of humankind hanging in the balance.
Chaim: I can't help but feeling that this is yet another piece of my childhood that will be tainted by a subpar big screen rendering (Dukes of Hazzard anyone?). Yet I remain hopeful. The trailer does look pretty sweet, even if it does star avowed War Criminal and modern day Frankie Muniz, Shia Labouf. I will go in with low expectations and hope to be pleasantly surprised.
Ronald: (taking a swig of Wild Turkey, wiping his mouth on his clown sleeve) *Singing* Transformers, more than meets the fucking eye. Transformers. Robots in disguise. Owwwwwww!

Live Free or Die Hard
Release Date: June 27th
Website: http://www.livefreeordiehard.com/
Synopsis: John McClane (Willis) takes on an Internet-based terrorist organization who is systematically shutting down the United States.
Chaim: I get semi aroused watching the trailer. The only downside is the PG-13 rating. Boo. What is John McClane going to say? "Yippee-ki-yay mothertrucker?"
Ronald: I've been lobbying for years for "Live Free or Die Hard" to be the official slogan of McDonald's.
Tommy: Bruce was on the house boat before this interview, needless to say.

Once
Release Date: May 18th in NY/LA, expanding slowly
Website: http://www.foxsearchlight.com/once/
Synopsis: A modern-day musical about a busker and an immigrant and their eventful week, as they write, rehearse and record songs that tell their love story.
Chaim: You are going to have to seek this one out, but it's worth the effort. I cannot recommend this one enough. Probably the best film I've seen all year. If you're not smitten with this film, I don't have time for you.
Ronald: This movie makes me want to settle down with a nice Czech girl who will feed me beefsteak and pour me frosty mugs of Pilsner Urquell. Here's a dating litmus test. Take your girl out for a nice steak dinner and then take her to see this. If that doesn't get you laid, there's no hope left for you. Kill yourself immediately.

The Bourne Ultimatum
Release Date: August 3rd
Website: http://www.bourne-ultimatum.net/
Synopsis: Bourne races to discover the final mysteries of his past while a government agent tries to track him down after a shootout in Moscow.
Chaim: The thinking man's action franchise. Realistic fight scenes, cool car chases...Jason Bourne is a blue collar Bond. I love it.
Ronald: (yelling at women in other room) I'll give YOU a bourne ultimatum. Warm up this dinner or leave! Fuck you. These McNuggets are cold in the middle. (Spitting out crumbs). *Depressed* God I'm unhealthy.

Superbad
Release Date: August 17th
Website: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/superbad/
Synopsis: Two co-dependent high school seniors (Hill and Cera) are forced to deal with separation anxiety after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.
Chaim: Judd Apatow strikes again. The 'unrated trailer' looks pretty classic. And it's got George Michael from Arrested Development and unsung comic force Jonah Hill (Accepted, Knocked Up). This is the kind of teen comedy I can get behind.
Ronald: You do like to get behind teens. I'll be here all week folks! No but seriously, did you say there are young, hot teens in this movie?

The Savages
Website: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/thesavages/trailer/
Synopsis: A sister (Linney) and brother (Hoffman) face the realities of familial responsibility as they begin to care for their ailing father.
Chaim: Sundance fave looks to fill the 'Wes Anderson/dysfunctional family' niche that 'Running With Scissors' failed so miserably at last year. Looks promising.
Ronald: Pardon my ignorance, but is this about Fred Savage?

Sicko
Release Date: June 29th
Website: http://www.slashfilm.com/2007/05/23/michael-moores-sicko-movie-trailer-revealed/
Synopsis: A comedy about 45 million people with no health care in the richest country on earth.
Chaim: Everybody's favorite mop-topped activist hits the streets and the silver screen again, this time taking on health care. I'm sure this won't cause any controversy at all. He seems like a pretty affable guy who has never been one to stir the pot.
Ronald: Is this that fucker who did the 'Supersize Me' documentary? That guy did the McDonald's diet for 30 days...ooohhh. Big deal, I've been on that diet for over 30 years and I'm in the best shape of my life. That triple bypass was just a speedbump on my overall highway of health. Oh my God, I think I'm having a heart attack right now. Someone call the police post haste.

I Would Go See This as a Matinee, or Hell, It May End Up in My Netflix Queue

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Release Date: May 25th
Website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/pirates/atworldsend/
Synopsis: Captain Barbossa, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann must sail off the edge of the map, navigate treachery and betrayal, and make their final alliances for one last decisive battle.
Chaim: This was arrrghhh-right, but they didn't really shiver me timbers. (Crickets) This was better than the second one, but not on par with the first. A bit uneven, and I could have used more Keith Richards, but as usual, Depp keeps things entertaining.
Ronald: Keith Richards, that son of bitch. I just remember being with Keith on the Buzanis houseboat, summer of 77'. Cocaine, Jimmy Buffet passed out on the poop deck and pregnancies beginning and ending in the same night. I've tried to call Keith recently, but he doesn't answer. To be fair, I lost his number years ago and have resorted to dialing random combinations of numbers in the hopes of getting lucky. No such luck...yeah.
Tommy: You want adventure on the high seas do you ya? Try June 12th, 1986. Me and Kurt Rambis commandeered a British Naval vessel headed to Bermuda after several encounters with the real Captain Jack (Daniels). Rambis defecates on the Union Jack claiming he didn't care for British foreign policy at the time. Long story short, we were thrown over board and nearly devoured by sharks...Anyway, see this movie - it is 3 hours but well worth it - kind of like a bone session with Tommy B.

Oceans 13
Release Date: June 8th
Website: http://oceans13.warnerbros.com/
Synopsis: Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and circles up the boys for a third a heist, after casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino) double-crosses one of the original eleven, Reuben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould).
Chaim: Really enjoyed the first one, lukewarm on the second. I can't help but think this is just an excuse for George Clooney to have all his buddies over to his Italian villa for a good old fashioned, fart filled sausage fest.
Ronald: Watching these movies puts me in the mood to drink. Though, lets be honest with each other, that can be said about every movie.
Tommy: I was actually talking to Pitt the other day, and he fully admitted the lads mailed it in on this one. Tommy was frustrated and explained that the cast should follow Ryan Theriot's example. Even if the Cubs are down 12 runs he will battle and take far too many pitches - he never gives up on an at-bat. Pitt said he didn't know who Ryan Theriot was. I told him to ask Cheadle. Cheadle said he didn't have time for this shit.

Death at a Funeral
Release Date: June 29th
Website: http://www.deathatafuneral-themovie.com/
Synopsis: Chaos ensues when a man tries to expose a dark secret regarding a recently deceased patriarch of a dysfunctional British family.
Chaim: Really, what's funnier than a funeral? Tommy Buzanis swears by this movie. Literally. He curses a red streak when he talks about it.
Ronald: This movie is British. Ronald McDonald stands for Americana. I will not see this. Tommy: Death at a Funeral is sealed with the Tommy Buzanis guarantee which I do not throw around lightly. Only twice before has it been called into play - Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS ( I guaranteed a Cubs victory) and I also invoked it when Princess Diana told Tommy she was pregnant and kind of hinted that it was mine. I guaranteed her I was sterile, ask Mike at the Fort Lauderdale Appelbee's. I said, she was confused. Anyway, this a perfect blend of British and American comedy brought to us from the guy who was the voice of Yoda - Frank Oz. See this movie.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Release Date: July 20th
Website: http://www.chuckandlarry.com/
Synopsis: Two straight, single Brooklyn firefighters (Sandler, James) pretend to be a gay couple in order to receive domestic partner benefits.
Chaim: I'll admit it. I like King of Queens. I even kind of liked Hitch. File this one under 'guilty pleasure.' Really though, Adam Sandler has no where to go but up after 'The Longest Yard' and 'Click'.
Ronald: I am against gay marriage, so I won't be seeing this. Bi-curious trysts that occur under the influence of alcohol and barbiturates? Well that is fine, clearly.
Tommy: Title reminds me of the time Chuck Daley and Larry Bird came over to my old house boat and we shot vodka and played monopoly til 3 in the morning...Tommy lost his virginity that night - when I woke up there was a 6 foot fish lying next to me, I'm not saying I had sex with a fish - I'm just saying it's a possibility.

A Mighty Heart
Release Date: September 14th
Website: http://www.amightyheartmovie.com/
Synopsis: Mariane Pearl (Jolie) embarks on a frantic search to locate her journalist husband, Daniel, when he goes missing in Pakistan.
Chaim: This one looks like it could be good, albeit damn depressing. Here's an interesting tidbit. Angelina Jolie's friends? They call her 'Angie'. Hmmmm...

Undecided, Like Ronald's Ambiguous Sexuality

Hairspray
Release Date: July 20th
Website: http://www.hairspraymovie.com/
Synopsis: Pleasantly plump teenager Tracy Turnblad teaches 1962 Baltimore a thing or two about integration after landing a spot on a local TV dance show.
Chaim: I saw this. Musicals aren't my thing, much less musicals with John Travolta in drag. That being said, I can appreciate it as being well made and appealing to the same tragic crowd that made High School Musical a phenomenon. Much more entertaining than Dreamgirls though, which is a backhanded compliment if there ever was one.
Tommy: Hey Chaim, if you wanted to come out of the closet there are better ways of doing it rather than saying you like "Hairspray"!! (Me and Freddy Couples just high-fived. He is over here with me).

The Simpsons Movie
Release Date: July 27th
Website: http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/#
Synopsis: Homer must save the world from a catastrophe he himself created.
Chaim: Am I the only one not excited for this? Nothing against The Simpsons. It's a well-written show, albeit one I haven't watched in about 8 years. Full disclosure. 8th grade I had a Bart Simpson button that was literally the size of a pancake (normal pancakes, not those chincy 'dollar size' ones) that I wore on an oversized black windbreaker to school. It's slogan? 'Don't have a cow man'. Maybe I just harbor resentment towards The Simpsons from all of the times I got beat up for that.
Ronald: Piss break!

Evan Almighty
Release Date: June 22nd
Website: http://www.evanalmighty.com/
Synopsis: God (Freeman) contacts Congressman Evan Baxter (Carell) and tells him to build an ark in preparation for a great flood.
Chaim: I like Steve Carell as much as any Generation Y Caucasian male out there but this one seems a bit Night at the Museum-ish for me. Probably more of a renter, as with all the damn animals in this one we will surely be subject to the obligatory 'animal humping/defecating/farting/dressed up in funny clothes' scene. That's frustrating.
Ronald: I just watched the trailer and all I have to say is, 'Christ Almighty'.

1408
Release Date: June 22nd
Website: http://www.1408-themovie.com/
Synopsis: A man who specializes in debunking paranormal occurrences checks into the fabled room 1408 in the Dolphin Hotel. Soon after settling in, he confronts genuine terror.
Chaim: The good: Based on a Stephen King novel. Stars John Cusack and Sam Jackson. Trailer looks creepy. The bad: Sam Jackson hasn't made a good movie in years and the premise reeks of The Number 23, a movie for which I could rattle off at least 23 reasons NOT to see.
Ronald: Is this about Columbus discovering America? I have it on good faith that is was Amerigo Vespucci and NOT Columbus that discovered the free world. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Immediately upon discovering America the first thing he did was build a McDonald's. True story.

Eagle Vs. Shark
Release Date: June 15th
Website: http://www.eaglevsshark.net/
Synopsis: Eagle vs Shark is the tale of two socially awkward misfits and the strange ways they try to find love; through revenge on high-school bullies, burgers, and video games.
Chaim: It's Napolean Dynamite, done up New Zealand style! Not sure what New Zealand style entails. Judging from the preview, that style means 'more funny when you're stoned.'
Ronald: I am actually stoned right now. And you're right, I just laughed my ass off at that trailer. I am so hungry. Is that cliche for a stoned person, such as myself, to say? Well fuck it, I am.

Stardust
Release Date: August 10th
Website: http://www.stardustmovie.com/
Synopsis: In a countryside town bordering on a magical land, a young man makes a promise to his beloved that he'll retrieve a fallen star by venturing into the magical realm.
Chaim: This looks to be equal parts The Princess Bride and Raging Bull.
Ronald: Chaim, you are a Raging Homosexual if you go see this.
Chaim: Classy Ronald. Lets keep this out of the gutter. I know it's really hard...
Ronald: (Interrupting) That's what your boyfriend said.

Shoot Me. Shoot Me Now.

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer
Release Date: June 15th
Website: http://www.fantasticfourmovie.com/
Synopsis: The Fantastic Four learn that they aren't the only super-powered beings in the universe when they square off against the powerful Silver Surfer and the planet-eating Galactus.
Chaim: The Silver Surfer character looks cool, but did anyone see the first one? A mess of a film that even a bra and panty-clad Jessica Alba could not redeem.
Ronald: (vomits a little on chest)

Rush Hour 3
Release Date: August 10th
Website: http://www.apple.com/trailers/newline/rushhour3/
Synopsis: While in Paris, Lee and Carter inadvertently get mixed up with the Chinese Triad crew.
Chaim: That trailer makes me sad.
Ronald: Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in France. I don't know who either of those people are. Should I?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Release Date: July 13th
Website: http://www.harrypotterorderofthephoenix.com/
Synopsis: With their warning about Lord Voldemort's return scoffed at, Harry and Dumbledore are targeted by the Wizard authorities as an authoritarian bureaucrat slowly seizes power at Hogwarts.
Chaim: I've never seen any of these. Never read the books either. My nerd loyalties reside with The Shire.
Ronald: Magic is the work of the devil. These kids should be tried by hung jury. Speaking of hung, I am one horny dude.

License to Wed
Release Date: July 4th

Website: http://licensetowedthemovie.warnerbros.com/
Synopsis: A marriage counselor puts one couple through a series of relationship challenges during a the most grueling marriage preparation course ever.
Chaim: To paraphrase our own Brant Brown, who once said, "Rap is to music as AIDS is to life," I say to you, "Robin Williams is to cinema what AIDS is to life".
Ronald: Ha, Robin Williams! I love that guy. Did you see RV? I was pretty shitfaced, but I seem to remember immediately turning to a nameless whore in bed with me and saying, "Comedy classic. Mark it down."
Tommy: Robin was much funnier when he was doing blow...We would play golf in Arizona and by the end of the round the golf cart looked as though it had snowed on the inside. The beer cart girl would come around and Robby would have her naked in 5 minutes. Tommy would be hitting his lob wedge and in the middle of my backswing I would hear noises that reminded me of the hot tub at Ronald's house. I digress, don't see this film.

Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

Today: Outfield

I mean, Christ in a Prius, let's get this show on the road. I'm holed in a Motel 6, I've been drinking since noon (5 O'clock somewhere baby!) and there's a call girl named Wendy on her way over. Without further ado, I give you the guys that catch the flyballs and widely consider themselves 'too good' for the infield.

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Alfonso Soriano, Cubs: Last year he didn't even want to play in the outfield. Flat out refused. Don't get your feelings hurt outfield...that was more a reflection on the Nationals than it was you.

Carl Crawford, Devil Rays: A poor man's Carlos Beltran. When will the power come Carl? When will the power come? No seriously Carl. The power. Where is it? I'm not fucking around here.

Carlos Beltran, Mets: A rich man's Carl Crawford.

Jason Bay, Pirates: Is this guy white or black? And yes, that matters where I draft him. Where is Pittsburgh? Somebody get me a GD map. I feel uncomfortable drafting this guy. I honestly don't know him from Honus Wagner.

Vlad Guerrero, Angels: I've never heard of this guy, but my nephew tells me he's good.

Grady Sizemore, Indians: Ladies love him. I love you too Grady. I'm a thrice divorced bachelor who likes to party. (whispers) Call me.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Manny Ramirez, Red Sox: I haven't smoked pot since my last stint in Sing Sing, but this is a guy I would really like to get high with.

Matt Holiday, Rockies: See Garrett Atkins. File under 'Guys I know nothing about but will draft because they're Rockies and their stats look good on paper.'

Ichiro, Mariners: He is to Asian baseball what Ricky Martin is to the Latino music explosion.

Vernon Wells, Blue Jays: Look for him to be deported back to America within the month.

Hideki Matsui, Yankees: The second best Hideki ever! (Irabu was just misunderstood.)

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Matt Murton, Cubs: THUNDER MATT! THUNDER MATT! Sing it with me now fuckers!

Rocco Baldelli, Devil Rays: That sound you hear is Rocco Baldelli collapsing in pain and your draft going to shit.

Josh Hamilton, Reds: What I said about Manny? Same thing goes with Josh, but replace pot with heroin and a late night motorcycle ride.

Chris Duffy, Pirates: You fast for a white boy, but you sho' are crazy!

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Delmon Young, Devil Rays: He will throw a bat at you! I am SERIOUS. He WILL throw a motherfucking bat at you! So just shut up and turn around. You can draft him, sure. Just don't fuck with him.

Alex Rios, Blue Jays: What can you say about this guy that hasn't been said already? Well, probably quite a bit, but I'll choose not to go there.

Johnny Damon, Yankees: Johnny, you are SOOO New York. Love ya babe.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

JD Drew, Red Sox: As I write this, he was just diagnosed with AIDS. And back spasms. And a really bad tummy ache.

Corey Patterson, Orioles: Your surliness recalls Albert Belle. Your productivity recalls Gary Varsho.

Bobby Abreu, Yankees: Like the Stones. Sure he's good, but c'mon. He's not THAT good.

Ken Griffey, Reds: Ouch. I've made enough injury jokes already. See my writeup on JD Drew if you want some more of that comedy gold.

Brian Giles, Padres: Hasn't been good since Nam' but people draft him anyway. Nice tan Brian!

Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

Today: Shortstop AND Third Base

Let's be honest with each other. I have a drinking problem. And I'm certainly not young anymore. I've spent the better part of the last 3 days recovering from St. Patty's Day (one too many Shamrock Shakes for this guy!) and Florida A&M's loss in the play-in game. Any excuse to drink is what my father always said. Then he would beat me mercilessly.

Point being, I've really slacked on this whole fantasy rating stuff. The season is creeping up faster than the goots after a 2AM quarter-pounder binge. So I'm going to need to start combining positions. First up, the hot corner and for lack of a cool nickname, shortstop. I figure, hell, if Troy Glaus can play both positions, it only makes sense to combine their ratings. If that didn't make sense to you, then you must be sober.

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Jose Reyes, Mets, SS: Remember when this guy would strain his hammies every time he ran faster than a light jog? Well, worry no more. He has now been implanted with some sort of futuristic, unbreakable synthetic hamstring that can withstand any amount of stress, including torture. Draft without reservation.

Alex Rodriguez, Yankees, 3B: So overrated that he's actually underrated. Huh? Pass me an Altoid.

Miguel Tejada, Orioles, SS: As long as he keeps using undetectable steroids, he has a place on my fantasy squad.

David Wright, Mets, 3B: Caucasian. All-American good looks. Will mow your yard for a reasonable rate. Delivers your newspaper right where you ask for it on your porch. Hits for power. What's not to like?

Jimmy Rollins, Phillies, SS: This would be the guy in the clubhouse that would gamely try to teach me black slang and then laugh at me for f'ing up the cool clubhouse handshake. Shit Jimmy!

Aramis Ramirez, Cubs, 3B: Keeping the Kevin Mitchell razorblade Oakleys in style is no easy task. Look for Aramis to be productive and healthy so long as the Cubs are still in the pennant race.

Garret Atkins, Rockies, 3B: I know nothing about this guy except that he replaced the well respected Vincent Castilla in Colorado. Will he ever escape the shadow of the Wet Fart? Hard to tell, but my money is squarely on 'no'.

Derek Jeter, Yankees, SS: Draft him for his fantasy leadership and fantasy intangibles.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Michael Young, Rangers, SS: Like the Hilary Swank of baseball: He ain't pretty but he's damn good at his craft. He also had a fling with Chad Lowe. Wait, that may have been me, and by fling I mean stalked mercilessly.

Chone Figgins, Angels, 3B: Chone Figgins is fast and versatile, or so Buster Olney tells me.

Rafael Furcal, Dodgers, SS: This sprightly firecracker is my pick to be the next player to face offseason murder charges back in his Dominican homeland.

Chipper Jones, Braves, 3B: Rumors of his bad health make him the Fidel Castro of his position. But like Fidel, he puts up big numbers when healthy.

Bill Hall, Brewers, SS: This guy plays everywhere. Imagine if Jose Oquendo were good and you've got Bill Hall.

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Scott Rolen, Cardinals, 3B: Once considered an elite 3B, the undervalued Julia Stiles doppelganger looks to bounce back big.

Freddy Sanchez, Pirates, 3B/SS/2B: Position eligibility my friends. Play him anywhere and watch him hit. He's Chone Figgins minus the steals but with a higher average and more facial birth marks.

Jhonny Peralta, Indians, SS: You may be able to pick him up late since everyone else will likely be searching for 'Johnny Peralta'.

Mark Teahen/Alex Gordon, Royals, 3B: They can both hit, but who will play? And if a star rises, and it happens in Kansas City, did it really rise?

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Miguel Cabrera, Marlins, 3B: Falls into this category because I forgot to put him in with the first guys. None-the-less, he's certainly more trendy than Shea Hillenbrand, no?

Hanley Ramierez, Marlins, SS: All these Marlins on the list, one would think they are good. A potentially great player who strikes out more than me at various teen nightclubs.

Stephen Drew, Diamondbacks, SS: We can only hope that Stephen lives up to all of his talent and potential like his older brother did. Oh wait.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

Edgar Renteria, Braves, SS: Maybe it is because they played together, but this guy is essentially the hitters version of Livan Hernandez. Guys you think are old cause they've been around since God created the McRib, but they're just not. And guys that you think are good too, but they're just not.

Orlando Cabera, Angels, SS: His legacy will be that dirty helmet.

Eric Chavez, A's, 3B: Dan Johnson, Eric Chavez, Nick Swisher...who cares? A goatee and laid back likable attitude do not make you any more draftable. Kissable maybe.

Adrian Beltre, Mariners, 3B: Keep hoping chumps. Keep hoping.

Bobby Crosby, A's, SS: Peter Gammons told me he was going to win MVP last year and I drafted him early. Remember when Peter Gammons was hospitalized later in the year? Shhhh.......

Barry Bonds celebrates his record-breaking home run.

Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

Today: Second Base

Don't have a good enough arm to play third base? We'll stick you at second. Not enough range for shortstop? That's fine, we'll stick you at second. Too short? Nah, there's always second base. Second base has always been a spot for convicts, poseurs, queers and Joe Morgan. On the company softball team guess who played second base for us? That's right, the Hamburglar, that little fucker. Not a fan of that guy. I have it on good authority that he may be responsible for putting me in prison for a few months so he could make the moves on my second wife. Who steals hamburgers anyway? They're only a couple of bucks. Jesus. That guy.

Anyway, on with the list. Why am I giving this info away for free anyway? I should be writing for the Worldwide Leader in Sports. I'm Ronald McDonald. Ever heard of me? American Icon? Whatever. Instead I dispense my pearls of wisdom on a blog read by a half dozen people and dedicated to a man I know nothing about other than that we share the same hair color. The downward spiral known as my life continues.

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Chase Utley, Phillies: What's not to like? Man-whorish good looks, a porn star name and stats that arouse me more so than the time I walked in on Grimace taking a shower. True story. I'm at a smoky dive bar in Philly, drunk off my ass. We've got the Phillies game on one TV and the movie *batteries not included on the other. This rookie comes to bat and lines a frozen rope to left field. I say aloud to no one, "That kid is gonna be good, or my name ain't (voice going up two octaves, very femme)Ronnie Mc-fucking-Donny!" Next thing I know I wake up in bed, half naked laying between a couple of Philadelphia Soul cheerleaders and Tommy Buzanis. Christ, what a night. Anyway, that rookie? Chase Utley my friends, Chase Utley.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Brian Roberts, Orioles: Boring. Hit a few homers a couple of years ago and fantasy owners started shitting their pants. Snore. He'll give you few steals and hit for average, but he plays for the Orioles. That automatically cancels out any legitimacy he may have earned.

Ian Kinsler, Rangers: What a weak position this is that I'm typing this guy's name right now. Ian Kinsler is how I wish my son turned out. In fact, I've often said to my son, "Why can't you be more like Ian Kinsler?" Instead, he's 22 years old and still flipping burgers. Oh, sweet irony.

Robinson Cano, Yankees: Like a greasy double cheeseburger followed up by a post meal smoke, Robinson delivers.

Tadahito Iguchi, White Sox: Asians seem to like McDonalds, so they're not all bad in my book. Tadahito, I may not know how to pronounce your name or tell you apart from Kaz Matsui, but you're alright by me.


Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Richie Weeks, Brewers: Not so much a sleeper as much as I'd just like to sleep with him. There I go.

Josh Barfield, Indians: Don't worry Cleveland. I know you toss and turn at nights, wondering who will ever replace Ronnie Belliard not only in the lineup, but in your hearts. Cleveland, meet Josh Barfield.

Chris Burke, Astros: Hey Craig Biggio. Take a cue from your buddy Bagwell. Don't you have some hunting to do, or a log cabin to build?

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Howie Kendrick: Trendy like Fall Out Boy. Endearing and annoying at the same time. That's right. Ronald McDonald listens to Fall Out Boy.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

Dan Uggla, Marlins: Ugggggghhhhh...

Marcus Giles, Padres: Maybe since he's "reunited" with his brother (what, were they orphans?) in San Diego, Marcus will find that old spark and revert to his old hitting ways. (Vomits a little) It's like I'm watching the decline of Bret Boone all over again.

Joe Morgan, Reds: Sure, he retired ages ago, but I think we can all agree that he's a fucker and needs to be included here. Rescind his Hall of Fame plaque! Erroneous! Erroneous!

*Note: For the sake of relative brevity, I have left many players off this list and will continue to do so for future positions. To quote my good friend Tommy Buzanis, "I don't have time for this shit."

Put on some clothes and step away from my children.

Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

This week: First Base

Ah, first base. Also known as the farthest I've gotten sexually with my third wife in the past two years. First base. Where they stick you when you can't play anywhere else. Basically a position for retards and cripples. So there you go. Forgive my uncharacteristic vulgarity. It's 8am and I'm not drunk yet, so naturally, I'm cranky. Let's run down this hastily composed list that I pulled off of ESPN.com. I choose to include the always vague DH/1B in here too, because I'm lazy.

(Clearing throat, turns into hacking cough)

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Ryan Howard, Phillies: This large black man from Philly replaces Will Smith as the city's Prodigal Son.

David Ortiz, Red Sox: They call him Papi. I have no idea what that means. Remember when he was a underachieving Twin? Does he even qualify at first anymore? I don't think he even knows how to field a ground ball.

Justin Morneau, Minnesota Twins: Hey, it's the AL MVP that most people won't remember won MVP just two short years from now! Hell, I've already forgotten. He's no Kent Hrbek, that's for sure.

Travis Hafner, Indians: Another DH masquerading as a first baseman. Hafner, you son of a bitch.

Albert Pujols, Cardinals: This surly bastard can hit. Some people less clever than I would call him Poopholes. I won't stoop to that level, nor will I correct the pronunciation of those who choose to do so.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Paul Konkero, White Sox: A working man's hero, so nondescript he could easily assume the role of shift manager at the Golden Arches.

Derrek Lee, Cubs: Lately he's been like me after a Tuesday night bender. Out of commission and on the shitter for hours. When healthy, it can be said that he is tall and an above average hitter. The fact that he steals bases makes me tap my giant red shoes with unadulterated joy.

Lance Berkman, Astros: He loves hunting and from what I've heard he also secretly loves men. I would go there wouldn't I? The one player who could probably pull off wearing those camouflage color unis worn by the Padres for a spell, even though he isn't a Padre. If that made any sense.

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Adam LaRoche, Pirates: For years in Atlanta he split time with Julio Franco, thinking to himself "Christ, is this guy EVER gonna die retire?" Now in baseball purgatory, expect some solid under-the-radar stats.

Adrian Gonzalez, Padres: Too bad his home field is the Grand Canyon. Think Ryan Klesko, but back when he was worth taking a shot on.

Ryan Shealy, Royals: Apologies to Pittsburgh for referring to them as purgatory. Hello Kansas City. The kid can rake. Mike Sweeney, just retire. Christ already.

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Prince Fielder, Brewers: Can he escape his father's shadow? Not necessarily because his dad was that great, but because Cecil was extremely fat and literally casts a huge shadow.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

Sean Casey, Tigers: Unless your league has 'clubhouse presence' as a category, why are you drafting this guy?

Richie Sexson, Mariners: That's fine. You can have his 30 odd homeruns. I'll pass on his low average and painfully long slumps. And he's just too fucking tall. That's just annoying. Almost as annoying as being over 30 and still calling yourself "Richie".

Frank Thomas, Blue Jays: It's painfully obvious that he just goes up to the plate now and tries to hit a homer every time so that he doesn't actually have to "run" the bases. I give it until mid-May before him and manager John Gibbons get in a fist fight.

Nomar Garciapara, Dodgers: He can still hit when healthy, but do you really want him on your team when he crumples to the field one month in, and your backup plan is Chris Shelton?

Shit, and your doctor told you fish was good for you. McDonald's owns the exclusive rights to putting American Cheese on fish.