TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris

TMS Late Night: Update - So Far, So Good Game of Thrones

Back in April, I posted my top 5 GOT characters we haven't heard from in a while. So far so good!

5. That Guy Who Couldn't Die - Just saw him this week. Looks like he still can't die.

4. Edmure Tully - Alive and semi-well. He has a baby he's never seen, which is by far the best kind of baby.

3. Daario Naharis - You see GOT reddit, this was a joke. Are you familiar with the concept? They did a really poor job recasting him, so it was almost like Daario went away and was replaced by his distant cousin Waario. Anyway, we actually haven't heard from Daario in a couple weeks now, which is for the best since he's one of my "Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters That Should Go Away For A While."

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) - STILL MISSING

1. Rickon - Ramsay's new toy. Now he won't be able to father a child to carry on the Stark name either!

WHERE ARE YOU?

TMS Late Night: Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters We Haven't Heard From In A While

Game of Thrones is back! Prepare yourself for all the hot takes every time something horrible happens. "OMG, how could they be so insensitive to rape victims/animals/short people/land use planning/religion???? (continues to watch the show for five years)" I love the show, but one of its major issues continues to be the fact that seemingly important characters tend to vanish without a trace. Here are my Top 5  characters we haven't heard from in a while:

5. That guy who couldn’t die – Do you remember that guy who couldn’t die? There was that guy in a cave and he couldn’t die. He scared The Hound with fire.

4. Edmure Tully - He married the only non-homely Frey girl and was luckily whisked away before the Red Wedding, but that was that. Are they happy? Do they have kids? Does he drive a Dodge Stratus now?

3. Daario Naharis – Whatever happened to that long haired Fabio looking asshole? What, he turned into this guy? Seriously? I guess those casting agent certifications don't mean much do they...

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) – He got some of that sweet Melisandre action and it only cost him a little blood, but then Davos put him in a boat and we never saw him again. Given that so much of the plot revolves around who is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, we have to see him again at some point right? Hey, his name was Gendry. I forgot until just now.

1. Rickon Stark – Assuming that fall left Bran impotent, Rickon is the only male Stark capable of carrying on the line.  Sure he’s a bit of a weenie, but these are desperate times. Last we saw him, he had run off with Tonks from Harry Potter. When he's old enough, he should get on that. A half-Stark/half-wildling would unite "The North."

Yeah. You totally forgot about me didn't you?

TMS Late Night: Bud Norris' Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce

Braves, uh, star I guess Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. Anyway, in honor of his upcoming start on Wednesday, we asked him to rank his Top 5 types of lettuce:

Hey y'all. Bud Norris here. The TMS guys asked me to rank my favorite types of lettuce. I can never say no to talkin' 'bout lettuce, so here you go.

5. Romaine - Not very good, but if you throw the green out and just eat the whites then it's OK I guess. My aunt used to cook up a romaine casserole with the white parts, cashews, and French's yellow mustard. That takes me back.

4. That Stuff in the Cold Slaw - I don't know how they do that cold slaw stuff. Some magic I guess. Anyway, if you find you need some lettuce and can only find cold slaw, you can rinse the white stuff off and just munch of the lettucy thing. I don't eat them carrots neither.

3. Kale Chips Soaked in Milk - Kale kinda looks like lettuce, but I don't know. I'm not science guy. I was tellin' my teammates though how I like to buy the Kale Chips down at the Trader Joe and soak 'em in milk. That puts the water back in it and it tastes super close to iceberg.

2. Iceberg in the Sack - When you can't get the real deal, the iceberg in the sack will do fine. I can't eat it like an apple though so it's always gonna be my number 2.

1. Fresh Iceberg - You could put this on anything. Sandwiches, chicken tenders, what have you. Me? I don't think it needs nothin'. I just put the entire head in my lunch pail and munch away when I need a quick pick me up.

"Ooh, heaven is a place on earth" - Nud Borris looking at a lettuce field

also Belinda Carlisle

TMS Late Night: Top 5 Ad Campaigns That Need To Die

Ten years after its initial debut and 9 years after it became stale, Dos Equis announced this week that The Most Interesting Man in the World ad campaign would be coming to an end. It was annoying, but there are far, far worse out there. Here are my current Top 5:

5. Denis Leary - Ford

Since 2009, Denis Leary has been doing ads for Ford trucks. Seven years is a long time for any ad campaign to run, but particularly so when that ad campaign consists of a generally unpleasant person snarling about how tough the trucks are while GIANT WORDS fill your screen. There was a time in my life when I found Denis Leary amusing, but then I finished the 9th grade and never looked back.

4. Jack - Jack in the Box

In 1980, after a decade or so of having their customers talk to a clown head at the drive-thru, Jack in the Box famously blew up the clown in an effort to create a more mature image (Note to fast food companies: This never works. I'm talking to you McDonalds. Throw that kale salad in the trash and just make sure the fries are fresh.). By 1994, they were completely out of ideas and brought the clown back in the form of Jack and well, he's terrible. He's all grown up and the CEO now! Ugh. Since blowing him up didn't work, maybe they can put him in the wood chipper Fargo style next time.

It's clever because he's a family man just like you! *GUFAW*

3. Bearded Hipster Focus Group - Chevrolet

This is the only new ad campaign on this list, but holy fuck are they bad. The premise is a bearded hipster is running a focus group of people that would never guess these great vehicle features are on a Chevy. You know why? Because everyone knows Chevy is garbage. If you told them this car had a functioning steering wheel and didn't spontaneously combust, the REAL PEOPLE in the ad would still be shocked. Why is the focus group run by a guy who looks like he owns the entire Mumford and Sons catalog though? Focus groups are run by stodgy corporate types, not some asshole who spends 3 hours grooming his beard every day and droning on incessantly about farm-to-table meals. Maybe Obama should have let GM die. Sometimes dead is better.

2. The Gecko - GEICO

This thing has its own Twitter account. How sad is your life if you follow the GEICO Gecko? The gecko has been around since 1999 and "speaks with a British Cockney accent, because it would be unexpected, according to Martin Agency's Steve Bassett." Well, I'll give you that. I don't think anyone expects a gecko to speak with a Cockney accent. Freshen ya car insurance luv? No. Die. I can only assume this ad campaign has led to many a gecko being brought home as a pet only to die of neglect and get flushed down the toilet because little Tanner forgot to feed it ants. Also, as you can see here, the gecko is a fucking Nazi. You just can't sweep that under the rug GEICO.

1. Flo - Progressive Insurance

Still #1 after all these years. Even sadder than the Gecko's Twitter account (oh, Flo has one too), there is Flo fan-fic. You're on the internet, so I assume you know 96% of fan-fic involves anal rape.

Without another word the man pinned Flo against the side of the counter with his body and looked down at her, the look in his eyes told her exactly what he had in mind.

If you are a sick fuck, you can read the rest here. Spoiler: she gets the Kobe in Colorado treatment - because, ahem, fan-fic. Progressive might want to wake up to the fact that Flo is mostly popular among sexual deviants and isn't really helping to sell insurance. I mean, if you want to be the car insurance company of guys who have to go door to door when they move, go right ahead. It's a free country.

Hi, I'm Jesus and I just moved into the neighborhood. State law requires that I inform you that I use Progressive Insurance.

7 Ballplayers With Insightful Twitter Handles

Thanks to social media, fans today have more access to their favorite baseball players than ever before. One of the preferred platforms for many players is Twitter. In 140 characters or less, they can interact with fans on a regular basis and make them feel like they're a bigger part of the game. But did you know some players have become rather creative when making their Twitter handles? The following 7 guys have some of the most interesting handles we've seen that offer a little more insight into their lives.

1. Dan Haren - @ithrow88

Seems like every new pitcher to emerge these days is a fireballer. Guys throwing in the mid-to-upper 90s. Some even topping out at 100. Recently retired Cubs pitcher Dan Haren however was not one of them and his handle let's you know. 

2. Omar Infante - @kingofwhittling

When he's not being a utility infielder, Omar Infante is a master whittler. "He's really quite good," says Royals manager Ned Yost. "He's made me two walking canes and a nice pair of salt and pepper shakers." In fact, in his native Venezuela, Omar has received two presidential medals of honor for his whittling. While taking his knives on road trips can be a security issue, the officials at Kauffman Stadium turn a blind eye to his woodcarving blades. As teammate Lorenzo Cain tells us, "He's just gonna whittle man. He ain't gonna shank nobody."

3. Dustin Pedroia - @NotBrustinPedroia

Poor Dustin. No matter how hard he works and how many successes he's had in the big leagues, folks still confuse him with his twin brother Brustin. "Just the other day I was out to lunch and had two people come up for my autograph," Dustin explains. "I of course have to immediately point out that I'm not my world famous LARP champion brother Brustin. Only about a quarter of the folks still want the autograph after that."

4. Mike Trout - @poliosurvivor27

I bet you thought polio was all but eradicated in this country. Well not only are you wrong, it turns out one of the biggest players in baseball had it his rookie season. "It was a real bummer to get called up at 19 and find out you have polio," says Trout. "At least I got better and won Rookie of the Year the next season, so it's all good."

5. D.J. LeMahieu - @lildaveynobones

You may know that former Cub and current Rockies second baseman D.J. LeMahieu won a Gold Glove in 2014. But what you probably didn't know was that D.J. plays with absolutely no bones. Born without a skeleton, D.J.'s parents were told he wouldn't probably live any more than a few days let alone become a major league ballplayer. Yet here he is. Having defied the odds he's out there making plays in the field with his goopy gelatinous body, inspiring folks everywhere.

6. Evan Longoria - @sonofacentaur

As Evan puts it, "I'm not ashamed of who my dad is. He's a great guy. Even if half of him is a horse." Longoria even spearheaded an effort to get more centaur-accessible facilities at Tropicana Field in 2013 and is currently working with Major League Baseball to get the other 29 stadiums to follow suit. Way to go Evan!

7. Mat Latos - @theREALgreenriverkiller

While most serial killers try to keep a low profile, Mat Latos isn't exactly hiding his devilish crimes very well. Way to keep it real Mat!

What's Trending on Twitter? A Governor X Investigation

Welcome to "What's Trending on Twitter?" This is a new TMS feature where I, the Saloon's resident Dodger fan and crusty old white person, check current trends on the Twitter machine.

Twitter has gotten really big since TMS last roamed the plains of the internets. We've been on the lam since July of 2012, and I only joined Twitter in August of that year. At the time, I basically joined just to secure my user name. I saw little point in the platform and wrote it off as another passing fad. Well, I misjudged that. I've really warmed to it as a way of getting up to the minute news on sports and politics. At the same time, the current trends will occasionally make you weep for humanity and/or feel really old. I know, I know. All you millennials have moved on to Snapchat to send pictures of your junk to one another, but we're catching up.

Let's see what's trending today...

Rihanna - Hey, I don't even need to Google that name. I know her! Does anyone remember that umbrella song? Under the ella ella ella or something. Anyway, shortly after that came out she got beat up by that guy. She's trending today because she's just made a video with Drake. You know Drake. He's the Toronto Raptors' version of Jack Nicholson. The sad thing is, Jack Nicholson is probably a better rapper. His lazy rhymes pretty much killed off rap music for me. Now it's all Florida Georgia Line all the time.

Rick Tyler - My first thought was "Stephen Tyler's bastard son?" Nope. Some Ted Cruz campaign operative. He seems to have gotten in trouble for spreading the rumor that Ted Cruz is an actual human being and not some smarmy bible beating android.

Dangerous Woman - I had no idea what this was going to be either. It's Ariana Grande's new album title. The national anthem at the Super Bowl a couple years back is the only thing I've ever heard her sing. Let's keep it that way.

#NostalgicFor - Ah yes...it's like your mom's facebook shares from KBOR FM 88.3, but on Twitter. Does anyone remember macaroni and cheese in the box? Yes. Literally everyone. This trend lets all share what we're nostalgic for! It could be fun if you're into that sort of thing I guess (I don't like to share.), but someone always ruins the fun:

#NostalgicFor when the planet wasnt being choked to death by poisonous gases, slowly exterminating all life as we know it. and CatDog

— executive ren (@RenShaye) February 22, 2016

Good god. Just shut up.

#UniversityChallenge - What are the kids doing today? Eating fish sticks through their ass to raise awareness about hunger in Suriname? Getting offended by wind? God damn I'm glad I finished college ages ago. Back in my day, you know, like a little over ten years ago, you could just drink and have a good time (I went to a state school). Now it's all "viral" pranks and political correctness. I clicked on this and still have no idea what the hell it is, so I'll just move on.

Sen. Claire McCaskill - She has breast cancer. I can't make jokes about that can I? No? Well shit. More like Sen. McBuzzkill...

#BlueJays - Hey look! Baseball. This is a baseball blog. Kind of anyway. I'm not a Toronto fan, but just thinking about Bautista's bat flip makes my loins stir. It would have been nice had they won the damn series though. They probably shouldn't have made that R.A. Dickey trade.

Jimmy Rollins - What a sad garbage fart Jimmy Rollins' 2015 season in LA was. The 2015 Dodgers seriously started games with a middle infield of Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley. Again, 2015 not 2008. Better late than never? Nope. Fart noise. Rollins as a backup wouldn't have been so bad, but LA's manager was Donny Dumbass so he always had to have the crafty (translation: terrible) veteran starting. Rollins signed with the White Sox. He'll be grabbing a lot of bench.

Work from Home - I work from home, but there's too much to say about it. We'll revisit this topic later.

#MusicMonday - You just post about music? I never hear new music anymore. I don't do that Spotify or Apple Music nonsense and the radio is pure garbage. Did you guys know Toto is still making music? Why don't they play that on the radio? Here's a picture of Suzanne Vega. Happy #MusicMonday everyone!

My name is Luka, I live on the third floor? No. No. SECOND FLOOR. Hand me my fucking Grammy!