Have You Seen Me?

One of my friends has a coworker who recently went to the Cubs convention. Before she went he gave her a ball to collect a few signatures. It came back with a few obvious ones (Lou, Marshall, etc...). It also came with this signature. I have no idea who this could be. The first name starts with an S or a G and the last name looks like it begins with "Mc". Could it be that some random person just convinced this poor girl that they played for the Cubs?

Here are our guesses thus far:

Sark McGuire
Sammy McDonalds
Gammy McSosa
Sodd McHollandsworth
Sadaam McDreamy
Gary McCord
McG

More Lost Diary

Did I also mention that I'm trying not to drink for the entire month? At any moment I may suddenly veer sharply away from the plot and start racially categorizing the work crew fixing the train tracks across from my window.

Season 1, Ep. 5

Sweet Jesus, enough with the eye zoom. Just once it would be nice to start an episode zooming away from Hurley's gaping belly button. Jack just had his ass handed to him trying to stick up for a schoolyard friend. And now he's awake and swimming out to rescue a woman in the ocean because Charlie can't swim. No one thinks to help him. Great job guys.

There's that guy in the suit again. And he's gone. Of course he is.

There are 46 people in the group? I keep forgetting that since only about ten of them have names. And they're running low on water. Back to Jack's memory. He's talking to his dad about making decisions. His dad "has what it takes". His dad doesn't think Jack does. That's a little harsh. Suit sighting number three. Hello Jack's dad.

Locke hasn't done something cool in over 15 minutes. I DEMAND SOMETHING AWESOME!

There, phew!

Now Jack's father has left home and his mother need Jack to go bring him back. From Australia. Claire fell down. Where's your astrology now, huh Claire? Someone stole the water and Locke is going to get it back. MOUNT UP!

Jack can't find his father in Australia or the jungle. There he is! Wait, no, that's a cliff. Does Jack "have what it takes" to climb up? Ah, Locke is there to save him.

We have another tattoo sighting, and this one's on Charlie. "Living is easy with eyes closed." For those keeping track, the Asian couple are both Korean and Chinese.

"A leader can't lead 'til he knows where he's going." Jack's father is dead. Now Jack is back in the jungle chasing a sound. Water! And...a doll? And...more dolls. And Jack's father's casket. Without Jack's father. OK, I didn't see that coming.

Turns out the lifeguard took the water. And before they can crucify him, Jack comes back and starts to lead. Yes we can!

Season 1, Ep. 6

Ah, we've reached the "previously on Lost" stage of the game. No turning back now. It looks like Kate is just as curious as I am about the meaning of tattoos. How terribly interesting.

House of the Rising Sun. Her name is Sun. I see what you did there. NICE form tackle! He didn't expect the weak-side Chinese blitz. No one ever does. Sayid to the rescue.

Drugs? DON'T MIND IF I DO! And after that, how about a whole mess of bees? BEES! THEY'RE RIPPING MY FLESH OFF! Quick, take refuge next to these mummified corpses. White and black again. Perhaps a doomed race of backgammon champions?

Aw, a puppy. And a workaholic! Jack wants to bring people into the mummy cave. Seems REASONable.

Oh man, the husband is a ninja. A management ninja!

I was totally right about Locke wanting to join Drive Shaft. Mark it. Wait, where did Sayid get an ax?

People are divided about what to do. Again. Uh oh, we've a runaway bride situation developing. A runaway bride that speaks English, no less.

Alright, Locke knows how everything works. Prepare yourselves for some face-melting acoustic guitar solos! From now on each episode will be given a Locke rating.

Oh man, there's no time like ax time! Did you feel that? Yeah, you felt it.

This episode wasn't great but it had its moments and took care of some necessary plot details. I award it three Lockes.

Lost Diary

After all the initial introductions, plot, etc...I'm back for more; this time armed with a fresh pot of coffee and a sandwich.

Season 1, Ep. 3

Back on the beach. The cop is talking to Jack about his missing handcuffs and Jack learns that Kate is the criminal. So much for that mystery. Sayid is giving us a geography lesson with a rock and a stick. Sawyer suggests that they turn their attention back to the haunting broadcast they heard a bit earlier. He looks like he should be working at PacSun. He's smarter than he looks. Sayid suggests they keep this nugget of information secret. I'm sure that won't have any repercussions. Hurley finds out about Kate.

More gun talk. I say they give it to Sawyer, who managed to kill a charging polar bear with a handgun. Smash-cut to Kate's backstory. Annie? She helped an old Australian farmer with a fake arm. Alrighty. Back to the present. Kate breaks the pact! That took less than ten minutes.

Surprise, Hurley doesn't want to go into the plane. Jack and Sawyer have an enlightening back-and-forth. Shellfish AND heavy lifting for the pregnant woman? At this pace she will give birth to a chicken burrito. Hurley is afraid of everything. With his shadow we would always have six more months of winter.

Back to the Kate/Annie story. She's leaving the farm but is persuadedto stay one more night. "Everyone deserves a fresh start."

Ominous music.

The marshall wakes up and strangles Kate until Jack intervenes. How hard can it be to defend yourself against a guy who just underwent major surgery on a beach with a straight razor? Kate wants Jack Kevorkian to off the guy. Jack doesn't respond well to this. Back to Kate being driven to the train station. There's a black (evil) suburban following them and we find out the farmer sold her out for the reward money. Bummer.

Now we know checkers' name is Mr. Locke. The secret was that a miracle happened to him. That doesn't help at all. The search for Vincent continues. That doesn't sound like a golden lab. NAKED! Locke is making a whistle. Perhaps he has a future in Drive Shaft. Why are they making 12 separate small fires instead of keeping one large one burning? There's only one bullet left in the gun. Back to the outback. Kate flips the truck and saves the one-armed man but gets caught. Hurley calls Kate "the fugitive" but she SAVED the one-armed man. GUNSHOT! I know what happened. Wait, I was wrong. Sawyer shot him...in the chest. Dumbass.


I bet Locke's whistle is to call the dog. Ha! I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! Here we go: what Kate did. Or not. Again, starting over. I'm beginning to think that's some sort of "theme". Everyone is BFF now, even the Osmonds. F-A-T-E to L-A-T-E. SLOW MOTION RUN TO VINCENT! Wait, more ominous music and Locke. C'mon!

Season 1, Ep. 4

They really love using the "zoom in on the opening eye" shot. Vincent knows there's something afoot. What's in the plane? Wild boar. Jack thinks they should burn the bodies so they won't attracts more animals but Sayid protests saying that it would be disrespectful.

Sayid is like the professor on Gilligan's island. Next on the docket, a coconut iPod. A blue one, please. Hurley and Sawyer are fighting over the last peanuts. Food committee: fail. Things Locke knows a lot about: backgammon, whittling, throwing knives and wild boars.

Sayid
TPS reports. Nice.

C'mon people, put the knives on sticks and make spears. Doesn't anyone watch Man vs. Wild? Claire says her little burrito is doing well and thinks they should hold a memorial for the dead in the plane. Clearly Jack = Science and Claire/Sayid = Religion.

"Yes yes, I am the bass guitarist for..." Classic Charlie.

Back to the jungle. YES. Locke is like Danny from Predator. "Ain't no man." Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to talk instead of use signs. Is Locke playing Risk? His stock is rising by the minute. Locke's boss Randy is a gigantic asshole. "Don't tell me what I can't do."

Charlie and Hurley fishing was brilliant. Locke's first name is John? That's interesting. Perhaps Locke is also an empiricist? Yikes, Helen costs $89.95 an hour and doesn't want his extra walkabout ticket. That's awkward...um, does anyone need a refill on coffee?

Kate climbs trees like a ring tailed lemur! Annnnnd Locke sees the huge thing in the jungle. But we don't. Charlie likes Shannon. That is, until he finds out he was used. Women are cruel.

GUY IN A WELL-TAILORED SUIT!

Kate thinks Locke is gone. Locke is not gone. There's Locke! With dinner! Names being read. Charlie is almost out of hash. Jack is not among those mourning the dead.

The walkabout company...LOCKE COULDN'T WALK AND NOW HE CAN!

Dammit, the Championship is on tonight. That's going to cut into this. I'll have to put in some OT tomorrow.

Unemployed Blogger Watches Lost for the First Time

Since the launch of the show Lost on ABC, I've been strongly encouraged by friends and enemies alike to start watching. Things began to get ugly until I finally gave in, due to lack of alternatives and a general coldness outside. In order to finish the 101 episodes before the premiere on Feb 2nd, I'll need to average 4 episodes per day. Hulu has posted every single episode online so I'll be watching them, alone, in my darkened apartment on my aging computer. I'll be writing up a little play-by-play as I watch and posting it here for all to enjoy. Let the insanity begin!

Season 1, Ep. 1

Dog shows up. Dog runs away. Disoriented guy with scratches on his face finds booze in his pocket. So far this is like me on a Tuesday. Evidence of some type of "plane" crash. LOUD NOISES. Hot girl in skirt. Seems like a pretty nice day out. Guy screaming for help. Pregnant girl on the beach. It's Go Time! Guy gets sucked into the engine. Fat guy looks like Raggedy Anne. KABOOM! Hobbit is unfazed.

Jack is hurt. Hurt real bad. He's got a tattoo, like Chaim. It's sewing time! Fear something something. These two like each other. Like like. F-A-T-E. Hot girl is kind of a bitch. Raggedy Anne is eating all the rations from the plane. Raggedy Anne will now be called Milhouse. The front and the back of the plane are missing. Smoke in the valley. Probably not important. Some pretty loud noises in the jungle and the trees are going crazy.

Back on the plane. Just a little turbulence, everything is fine. Just the masks, everything will be fine. Kate just stole that guy's Jordans! Kate and Charlie don't know each other...OR DO THEY? Charlie is in Drive Shaft. There's that damn dog again. The trees do not like the rain. Hello front of plane. How are you today? Pilots were in the cockpit. Not anymore. One pilot is alive. Transceiver! What's that sound? What's right outside? The dog? Is the dog right outside? OK nowwww the pilot is out of the cockpit. Running and then the 1-5 fear thing. Got it. Bloody pilot up in the tree.

Rub some dirt on it, pussy
Season 1, Ep. 2

Transceiver is still busted. Charlie death stare. Back to the plane. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Ah, drugs. Shockingly, the plane breaks apart again.

Ever seen a Hobbit...ON WEED?
Hot girl is sunbathing. I do not mind. Pregnant girl looks like she's thinking of sunbathing. I mind. Asian girl finally says something to the guy from the crappy Matrix movies. Oh the DOG belongs to the KID! It's the KID's DOG!

Smear the queer on the beach. Sayid and Milhouse are friends. Transceiver might work from the mountain. It will not work. Ha, yeah, the big guy needs some food. Charlie is trippin' balls. Hot girl is named Shannon. Shannon. I'm making a prediction now: the guy smoking all the time was the one that did it.

The "two players, two sides, one is light, one is dark" speech is important. Kid, don't listen to the crazy man who wants to tell you a secret.


Shouldn't pregnant women avoid shellfish? The "thing" is chasing the group in the jungle again. GUN! POLAR BEAR! What?

Down goes Milhouse! So KATE is the criminal. That's probably important. And Jack is working on the cop. Sayid has a bar! Something else is transmitting? Iteration 17294532. "Please help me, please come get me. I'm alone now, on the island alone. The other are dead. It killed them. It killed them all." It's been playing for 16 years and 5 months.

OMFG
Tune in tomorrow afternoon for the next bunch.

Randy Johnson Retires

Brace yourselves, one of the greatest mullets of our generation is about to call it quits. Randy Johnson was one of the most feared pitchers of all time. Seeing his mug staring at you from the mound would have been enough to shake most batters but he backed that up with enough talent to net five Cy Young (4 in a row) awards on his way to 303 career wins. One of those was perfect. During the 2001 WS with the Diamondbacks, he won 3 games including two CGs and a SO. He also struck out 4,875 batters, which is good enough for second place. That translates to a career average SO/9 of 10.67. Yikes.

Plus he can make birds magically disappear. Adios, Big Unit.

Bears Week 6 Preview: Falcons

There's a saying that a bye week always seems to come around when your team needs it the most. For the Bears, I couldn't agree more. Week five might seem like it's early but don't forget that these guys have been hitting since the middle of August. With injuries starting to pile up, this could not have come at a better time. It looks like we'll be getting everyone back including Hester, Knox, Hillenmeyer, and Tinoisamoa.

Unfortunately we have to play Atlanta, who didn't seem to flinch in the face of a very good defense last week. They managed to put up 45 points against San Francisco, which infuriated coach Singeltary and undoubtably led to more locker room de-pantsings than the horrible wrath of the Cortesi brothers' illustrious campaign my sophomore year of high school. We have been able to put some pressure on the quarterback, but Matt Ryan is notoriously good at avoiding sacks, only giving up two so far this season. The Bears should be able to contain Burner Turner but after Roddy White posted 210 yards and two touchdowns last week, our secondary should be more concerned than my father on prom night. Wait, I meant A father on prom night........God Dammit....

And let's not forget last years little episode. I, along with about ten friends (including the best man), were "in the bathroom" watching the end of the game in a hotel bar during a wedding. The game was well in-hand after a late fourth quarter drive led by merkin chin to put the Bears up 20-19 with only ELEVEN SECONDS on the clock. Celebration! High fives and shots for everyone!

The Bears chose to pooch the ensuing kickoff (for some reason) and Atlanta brought the ball back to their 44 yard line. They then completed a 26-yard pass to let Elam kick the game winning FG with one second left. Sadness and shots for everyone.

Let's hope that Lovie has been showing that film to the guys for the past two weeks so they can remember how that feeling tasted.

Frankly, I think this is going to be a shootout. Here's hoping for a Bears victory and some vengeance.

White Chili prediction: Bears 35, Falcons 28

The Nut-Shot Heard 'Round the World

LA swept the Cubs out of the playoffs a year ago and the whole experience left me feeling like I had just been water-boarded in a urinal. It left me both physically and emotionally fragile. Our offense was clicking, nearly everyone was healthy, and nay a better pitching staff could be found.

(flush)

The Cardinals drew the Dodgers for the first round of the playoffs this year too. Their offense was firing on all cylinders and a combination of Carpenter and Wainwright virtually guaranteed leaving the coast with no worse than a split. Carpenter came up short in game one, but those two pitchers had only lost back-to-back games once this year.

Wainwright and Kershaw both pitched excellent games. One side note: Can we please avoid any more unpleasant close-up shots of Kershaw's "facial hair"? I know the guy is twelve years old but it looks like he rolled around on the floor of a salon after eating cotton candy.

The Cards were up 2-1 in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and James Loney was facing Ryan Franklin and a 2-2 count. Loney hit a fly ball to left field and what should have been the last out of the game screamed over Holliday's outstretched glove and hit him right in the ball sac.

Now, Holliday says that he lost the ball in the lights and Wainwright said that he probably lost the ball in the sea of 50 thousand spinning white towels (which are mostly blue). Holliday also said that the ball hit him in the stomach. Roll clip 2:12.


This was a bad error. A really bad error. An error that made me laugh and laugh because it felt like at least some sort of sweet justice was being served for all the crap I've had to hear for the last year. But it didn't end there.

There were still two outs and the Cardinals were completely in control of closing out the game. That is until Franklin (eventually) walked Casey Blake, gave up a single to former National Ronnie Belliard, threw a wild pitch, walked Russel Martin, and finally gave up the game winning single to Mark Loretta.

The team many expected would sail through the postseason, including the LA Times, is now down 0-2 and heading back to St. Louis on the verge of being swept. In the first round. By LA. I can't wait to see how the "best fans in baseball" handle this.

Bears Recap: Week 3

The Bears added another win this week with a 25-19 victory over the embattled Seahawks. Seattle was without the help of seven starters including Matt Hasselbeck, but Seneca Wallace looked fairly impressive in his absence. The Bears added to their own injuries woes when Hunter Hillenmeyer had to leave with an injury to his ribs. No updates on him yet but I wouldn't be surprised if the team gave Derrick Brooks a call in the next week or two.

Cutler looked in control again and posted some decent numbers. With columnists singing his praises, you can barely smell the torches that they were using to run him out of town a scant two weeks ago. Unfortunately the Bears have yet to establish the run. Hopefully they can get things going against the recently victorious Lions this week.

Once again the Bears proved that they are kryptonite for kickers when Seattle's Olindo Mare missed two field goals in a game they lost by only six points. After missing only three kicks all of last year, no less. Jim Mora shared his thoughts with us after the game: "No excuses ... You've got to make those kicks ... Not acceptable. Not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable. We'll look at making a change everywhere." The good people at Coors are already working on the commercial. Hahahaha, no seriously Coors is terrible.

Let's get down to the real story of the game: the new jerseys for the Seahawks. Are you kidding me with this garbage? This is a professional football team and they look like a cross between a professional soccer team and one of the bullshit teams from Any Given Sunday. Don't believe me? It's on tonight on AMC at 7. Yes, there are some college teams with ludicrous uniforms but that's almost expected in college. Want a diamond cut pattern on your yellow and green shoulder pads? Sure thing Oregon! I wasn't sure what was making me more nauseous, the lime green or the Bears' secondary.

Next week, Bears vs. Lions. White Chili predicts a 27-14 victory for the Bears. I just hope I can still enjoy the game after I stab my eyes and ears to avoid the media bukkake leading up to Monday night when Favre plays the Packers. I'll be rooting for the terrorists.

Bears Recap: Week 2

The Bears welcomed the Pittsburgh Steelers for their home opener this weekend. The Steelers won the last three contests, all in Pittsburgh, but hadn't won in Chicago since 1995. That was the only time they have ever won in Chicago. That statement still holds true today after the Bears, despite suffering a number of injuries in week one, won with a last minute kick by Robbie Gould.

The brain-trust at the Chicago Park District decided to host a U2 concert less than a week before the home opener so the condition of the field was marginal at best, as they had to re-sod large portions after 60,000 people showed up to help contribute to the starving blah blah blah Africa.

One of the big stories was Jay Cutler rebounding from a game where he threw more interceptions in a single game than ever before, at any level. The media, both local and national, pulled no punches and seemed to think that this ONE GAME was a sign that Jerry Angelo and the Bears had made a colossal mistake. After last week I even had friends clamoring to bring back Orton.

Aaron Rodgers was sacked five times by DE Antwan Odom this week in a loss to the Bengals. Do you think that all the experts who picked the Packers to go to the Super Bowl are suddenly concerned they might not make the playoffs and that the town of Green Bay might sink into the water or simply burst into flames with another similar performance? As excited as typing that out has made me (please teacher, don't make me do the next problem on the board!), I don't think so. Every knee-jerk reactionary needs to settle the fuck down and realize that one game, a season does not make. Cutler finished this week throwing 27-38 with 238 yards and nary a pick to mention.

Matt Forte has yet to put up the same numbers we were spoiled with last season but it was hard to expect a stellar performance against a stingy Steelers defense. What did impress me was the performance of Adrian Peterson. He had a few tough runs and did a lot for solidifying himself as the number two back.

Another nice surprise was WR Johnny Knox. Part of the reason for Cutler's woes last week was due to the inexperience of his receivers. Everyone looked like they improved this week and Knox is quickly becoming a favorite target. Cutler's other go-to guy, Greg Olsen got more touches than last week, including being run over by Tyrone Carter. Olsen is a big guy but after that hit he looked like me fighting with the toilet after I discovered a place that makes pizzas with Indian food as toppings.

The defense looked better than I thought with all the replacements. Hunter did alright at MLB but our secondary was so concerned with stopping the run that the 15 yard posts were open every time. That needs to stop. On the bright side, Tommie Harris showed up this week and Alex Brown continued to dominate.

Possibly the best story of the evening was Steelers placekicker Jeff Reed missing two FGs (38,43). Those were his first two attempts at Soldier Field. Maybe they should bring in Ochocinco to kick from now on.

Next week the Bears play the Seahawks and Matt Hasselbeck is still questionable after leaving last week with sore ribs. The Bears should finally be able to get their running game going against Seattle.

White Chili's pick: Bears 24, Seahawks 17

Season Premiere Roundup

A few of the Saloon's favorite shows started up again last night and overall the report card isn't going to force daddy to drink any more than usual. The Office kicked off its sixth season, Parks and Recreation is back for another year, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia looks to rebound from last year with season five, and NBC's new show Community debuted. The only thing missing was 30 Rock, which premieres next month. Here are the grades:

Parks and Recreation: I'll admit that I wanted to like this show but I never managed to watch a single episode last year. I think it was that it came on just before The Office so every time I sat down to watch The Office I would catch the last few minutes and curse/cut myself for missing it again. This episode was alright but never really seemed to get out of the gate. I'm not a huge Amy Poehler fan and this show seems like it's trying way too hard to horn in on the success of The Office. The format is almost entirely the same and some of the characters seem unusually similar. Only Aziz Ansari, a comic you may recognize from Funny People, had a few funny moments. I give this a C+. You're not getting into Vassar with those grades.

The Office: Last night was a great start to this season, when it could have just been about Jim and Pam having a baby. It turned out that was more of a sub plot once Michael began spreading fake gossip around the office to cover up a rather surprising revelation about Stanley. There were some great one-liners ("How can I be a virgin? I have a daughter.), a solid intro, a couple of good Creed-isms, and one of the more awkward scenes I've seen play out with Michael. A-

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The last season of Sunny was kind of a let-down. It had its moments: Charlie screaming as Mac drove a car into a wall to fake their deaths, the Wild Card, Charlie's musical, etc. But there were a lot of, dare I say, boring episodes that were more weird than funny. This year looks like a step back in the right direction. Dee plans on having a baby (or possibly more if the family wants a bulk discount) for a couple that can't conceive, Frank buys a foreclosed house to turn a quick buck but tries to get the family still living in the house to get out before 90 days (+1 for excellent use of a battering ram), and Charlie squares off in a battle of wits with a lawyer. The house plot also spawns a nice little story-line where Mac and Dennis come to Frank's aid and pose as gay realty partners, "Honey & Vinegar". If that's not enough to get you to watch, then I can't help you. B+

Community: NBC did everything it could to over-hype this new show like a new Black Eyed Peas song but it actually looks like it might hold up. Joel McHale brings his dry comedy from The Soup and joins up with Jon Oliver from The Daily Show, Chevy Chase, and several others. One thing that made me do a double-take was a girl named Annie, played by Alison Brie who also plays Trudy on Mad Men. I don't see this being as quote-able as The Office or 30 Rock but the characters are a good mix and we haven't even been introduced to everyone yet. It's also nice to see Chevy Chase play more of a background supporting role. The pilot was a tip o' the cap to The Breakfast Club and the late John Hughes, which actually fits the series quite well. A solid B.

Death League Update: Patrick Swayze

Patrick Swayze was not the greatest actor of his generation. However, that didn't stop him from giving us a number of characters that will live on forever. Most notably he'll be remembered for his roles in Ghost, opposite Demi Moore and the always-handsome Whoopi Goldberg, and Dirty Dancing. But before he pulled Jennifer Grey out of the corner, they were defending Colorado against invading Cuban & Soviet forces in Red Dawn. He also played the wise older brother in The Outsiders, the best damn cooler in the land in Road House, and a skydiving/surfing bank-robber in Point Break. The list goes on.

Let us also not forget that without him, there would be no Chippendales sketch. And then where would we be?

Take the biggest guy in the world,
shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone.

Unfortunately we lost him last night to a short battle to a terribly aggressive pancreatic cancer. He was 57.

Vaya con Dios, Brah.

And now for a quick look at the standings...

Probable / Questionable / Out

Last night the NFL season kicked off in Heinz Field and other games will follow this weekend. There’s already a significant injury on the books after Crumpler rolled over Polamalu’s left leg and sprained his MCL during a FG attempt. He looked alright walking and even climbing stairs on the way to have it examined in the team locker room but all reports have him sitting out 3-6 weeks (Madden curse! Look out Fitz).

As an avid fantasy football owner, injuries drive me absolutely crazy. Last year I took Brady with my first overall pick in one league which turned out to be a spectacular move. As frustrating as circumstances like that are, even more so are the players that are listed as probable and then show up in street clothes or, on the flip side, are reported to be out for the week and then put up monster numbers. And teams don’t seem to release their status until halfway through the first series of the game, leaving people like me guessing.

Here’s my list of the usual suspects. The guys that cannot go undrafted and yet you kick yourself when you queue them up because you know that you’ll have to grab their backup too. It just so happens that they’re all running backs. Feel free to add “and Carson Palmer” at the end quietly to yourself.

Brian Westbrook: No one embodies my feelings more than this guy. The guy does everything on the football field but in his seven seasons as an Eagle, he has NEVER played in all 16 games. In fact, if you Google his name right now the story that appears at the very top lists him as “limited, but slated to play”. Last year he was listed as questionable when they played the Falcons. What did he do? 209 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Fuck you Brian Westbrook. This year he missed the entire preseason after having surgery to clean out scar tissue and bone fragments in his ankle. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Willie Parker: This guy takes a beating because, contrary to last nights game, the Steelers are first and foremost a running team. However, last year it was always his shoulder bothering him, except of course when it was his knee. But even when he was healthy to start the year he put up these consecutive yard totals: 47, 37, 221, 25, 138. This year he missed part of the preseason with hamstring and back issues. Last night he was held to just 19 yards against a tough Titans defense. Odds are he’ll be splitting time with a handful of guys from now on.

Joseph Addai: This guy was a huge boost for the Colts in ’07 but last year had some knee problems and from week to week nobody knew if he, Dominic Rhodes, or Kenton Keith was going to start. The thing about the Colts offense is that you don’t have to be an overpowering back to be of value. All you have to do is block for a second, run five yards, turn around and wait for Peyton to pitch you the ball. Before you know it, you’ll have 75+ receiving yards and bowling over safeties is a lot less damaging than having to squeeze between linemen and linebackers. He could very well return to form this year but I’m still keeping my distance.

Larry Johnson: I’ll cut Larry a little bit of slack because he’s on Kansas City and doesn’t have much in the way of a “team” surrounding him. But that doesn’t excuse getting benched for three games for “violating team rules”, asking to be traded, and facing repeated charges for assault. Sure, he’s the premiere back on the team but his track record doesn’t instill most people with a great deal of confidence.

Steven Jackson: Here’s a situation similar to that of Larry Johnson. No one to throw or catch the ball, so everything comes down on your shoulders. Regardless of how much talent you possess, that’s a tall order. Last year it resulted in a thigh problem that never seemed to go away. Every week in November seemed to be a game-time decision.


Reggie Bush: Ah Reggie Bush. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all watch you play at USC forever? It’s not like you weren’t already getting paid. He’s had a nagging calf injury and add to that the microfracture surgery he had during the offseason on his knee and you can definitely consider him an injury risk. He missed 10 games over the last two years and is already splitting time with Pierre Thomas. His biggest games are never the result of consistent rushes, but rather due to one or two big plays. Thanks but no thanks.

Frank Gore: Somehow Frank Gore always appears as the recommended fourth overall pick. Can someone please tell me why? Next year is always supposed to be his breakout year. Last year he had 608 rushing yards and a whopping THREE touchdowns. In fact, he was held under 50 yards rushing nine times last year. I take it back, this guy isn’t an injury risk, he’s just awful.

Clinton Portis: Portis usually comes through when he’s on the field. Last year looked to be no different when he went five weeks in a row rushing for over 120 yards, was leading the league by a wide margin, and was a good candidate for MVP. But things started to taper off in November after a nagging sore hip and then you had no idea what you were going to get. The problem was, Portis was never completely out so he would cannibalize his replacements’ stats as well. Supposedly he’s back to form.

Add your own fantasy nightmares in the comments. No, not those fantasy nightmares.

"Wrigleyville" Bar Project: Richard's

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Richard's Bar 491 N Milwaukee Ave

Website: Nope

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 2

Who You’ll See Here: Ray Liotta, Harvey Keitel, Joe Pesci, Joey Callo

What to Order: There aren’t any beers on tap. The liquor is behind the bar and everything else is kept in two huge refrigerators. Beers are all $3 except Guinness, which is $4. There was a sign that said you could buy four cans for $9, but it was for carryout only. Also, hard boiled eggs are available for $.75 if you brought your appetite. Though, the word eggs had quotes around it, so that's something.

Summary: I know that I’ve been venturing further and further away from Wrigley with the bar write-ups but nobody wants to hear about the same places and this is about 200 paces from my front door. I also know how much everyone here at the Saloon loves the Gingerman Tavern, but I’ll venture to say that this place will give it a run for its money. The last time I walked in, there wasn’t even a bouncer. Cash only so don’t embarrass yourself by ordering a round and handing over some plastic. There’s a No Smoking sign taped to another sign advertising packs of smokes for $8.75. I didn’t even recognize all the brands.

There are a few seats here and there but just about everyone is standing by the end of the night. I’m told there’s a bathroom but I can’t say I’ve ever made the trip. The bartenders are probably as old as the bar itself and the only cleavage you’ll see serving drinks comes with a gold chain and chest hair.

Let's try this place, what could go wrong?
There’s an A/C running almost constantly and on any given night, you’ll hear the same rotation of about a dozen songs over and over again from the jukebox. Not to say that's necessarily a bad thing, I didn't hear a bad song all night, which was great for dancing with all the married women. The two enormous posters of Goodfellas are surrounded by various endorsements from famous Chicago personalities and weird “shenanigans”-style antiques.

Finally, the beer. They have everything from common domestics, to Old Style, to Hamm’s in cans and bottles. Three American dollars for each. If you want anything fancy, you can always leave. The End.

The Expendables vs. Machete: Greatest Movie Ever Made

Lawrence of Arabia. The Godfather. Gone With the Wind. Casablanca. These are movies that are universally regarded as masterpieces. Best of the best. Until now...

There are two movies that are coming out next year that will forever change the face of the cinematic horizon: The Expendables and Machete. Each one reads like you gave me millions of dollars and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. I’m going to break down each one and let you decide which movie will be most likely to cause me to give birth to a muscled forearm covered in hair exactly nine months after I see it in the theater.

The Expendables


Plot Summary: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. (obviously)

Main Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Giselle Itié, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger

HOLY SHIT! (fans face with hands) I’m setting the +/- on number of brown people killed in this movie at 1000. I mean, Arnold pretty much took care of 400 single-handedly in Commando. Did I mention that Sly also wrote and directed this thing? Dolph Lundgren, ladies and gentlemen! I thought we had seen the last of The Siberian Express. Willis and Schwarzenegger are pretty much throw-in characters, from what I understand. That alone says how awesome this movie will be. Never mind the fact that a SITTING GOVERNOR is staring in this film. What are the odds Jason Statham is even seen with a shirt, let alone wearing one? I suppose he’ll want to avoid any plot holes and simply use his shirt to kill a few dozen infantry. That’s the showmanship I expect from a production like this. Oh, and Ravi Shankar is listed in the cast as well. Why the fuck not? I would advise against pregnant women and the elderly even ordering tickets for this movie.

Machete


Plot Summary: After being betrayed by the organization who hired him, an ex-Federale launches a brutal rampage of revenge against his former boss.

Main Cast: Danny Trejo, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Robert DeNiro, Steven Segal

This movie is basically an expansion on the fake trailer that was made specifically for the movie Grindhouse. (Caution: some NSFW footage at about the 1:40 mark, tee hee hee). I'd say it pretty much speaks for itself. And when it speaks it doesn't care that you got the part you wanted in the school play. Why can't you be like the other boys? Now cut the grass and get dad a fresh beer.

Right off the bat you'll see that this movie doesn't have the same weight behind the cast, as does The Expendables. I respect that. But you know who doesn't? Danny Trejo, that's who. He basically plays the same character in this movie that he played in Desperado. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you probably shouldn't even be reading this in the first place. Cheech Marin is a shotgun-wielding priest who helps Trejo regulate some vengeance despite having taken a "vow of peace". Bobby DeNiro even has a small role in here as the senator that Trejo is suppose to gun down, and Steven Segal (!!!) makes an appearance as a drug lord. Maybe the casting isn't so weak after all. And let us not forget the ladies. According to Wikipedia, Michelle Rodriguez plays Trejo's assistant / taco maker. Alright. Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba should round out the cast nicely (see what I did there?).

So that's it. Two movies that will have more testosterone than Jason Giambi's gym bag. I leave the decision to you.

**Grabs an infant and crashes through a window on a motorcycle, laughing and shooting into the air**

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Trinity

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Trinity, 2721 N. Halsted

Website: http://www.trinitybarchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 6

Who You’ll See Here: Trinity seems to catch a good mix of patrons and the crowd is typically a little bit older than the Wrigleyville regulars. I wouldn’t say it’s off the beaten path but it’s a good hike from the stadium so it usually takes some time before the leftovers from a game end up here.

What to Order: The specials here are pretty outstanding. Here are the highlights:

Mon: $1 Domestic Bottles
Tues: $2 All Drafts & Call Drinks
Wed: 1/2 Price all Drinks
Thurs: $2 All Bottles, $5 Martinis, $1.50 Domestic Pints
Fri: $2.50 Domestic Pints and Bottles
Sat: $2 Bud & Bud Light Pints & Bottles, $2.50 Domestic Pints & Bottles
Sun: $2 Domestic Bottles, $4 Bloody Mary's

The everyday specials are $3 Guinness and Blue Moon, $3 Stoli, and $3 Jameson shots. They’ve also got $3 burgers on Saturdays and 1/2 off of all food from 5-7 Mon - Fri. Needless to say the $2 ish bottle specials are pretty fantastic but all my money tends to go towards Guinness. Food is typical bar food, nothing special.

Summary: Well it's Monday so I can think of nothing more appropriate to talk about than booze. $1 bottles on a Monday and $3 Guinness everyday? Yes, please. This place plays some decent music and never really gets obnoxiously crowded. Unfortunately the only bathrooms are downstairs, and there are a lot of stairs which can become an issue. Speaking of downstairs, there is a third bar in the back with a few couches and a fireplace. It’s usually reserved for private parties but if you can claim it as your own, people tend to assume it’s invite only and leave you alone. It’s like having your own bartender and it’s a few feet from the bathrooms.

I was treated to an extra show the other night when a group of guys thought they could master the speed bag upstairs. It only took three attempts before one of them hit a waitress. She brushed it off, said she usually takes a few punches a night, and brought us another round of drinks. Bravo.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 empty Old Style tall boys out of a sixer.

The Ghosts of Deadlines Past

Every year players and fans alike are excited at the prospect of change that the trading deadline brings to the game. I felt that with my post being finalized at exactly the same time as the deadline, it was only natural to talk a little bit about some last minute deals.

This year we've already seen Cleveland unload Cliff Lee to Philly and it appears likely that Victor Martinez is going to Boston. Jarrod Washburn is now officially a Tiger. And yet somehow, one name has remained suspiciously off the waiver wire. That's right, I'm talking about Miguel Olivo. No, seriously, no one wants Miguel Olivo. Roy Halladay is still a Blue Jay (as of this writing) and it looks like he may stay put. He has clearly been the crown jewel of this years deadline but with Buchholz now likely headed to the tribe and Boston seemingly out of the race, no one left seems to want to pull the trigger. Does anyone want Adrian Gonzalez?

All of these teams feel that this move or that may be the final piece of the puzzle they need to make a run at the post-season or even compete for a championship. We all know hindsight is 20/20 so lets look back over the past few years and see how well these last-minute transactions panned out.

2008

Cubs get Harden and Gaudin. It's far more difficult to complain about Harden than how the club handled Gaudin in the subsequent offseason. At least we still have Neal Cotts.

Brewers rent CC Sabathia for almost four months and give up Matt LaPorta, Zach Jackson, Rob Bryson, and Taylor Green. The Brewers pushed all their chips into the middle of the table and dealt for a guy that they planned on running out to the mound every fourth day. That's exactly what they did and he ended up going 11-2 for Milwaukee. Looking back, they may not have made the post season without him but he sure as shit didn't help them once they got there.

Manny to Dodgers, Jason Bay to Boston, Brandon Moss, Craig Hansen (from Boston), Andy LaRoche, and Bryan Morris (from LA) to Pirates. This deal was huge for a few teams. Obviously Manny going to the Dodgers was huge and Bay finally started to spread his wings for the Red Sox. The Pirates got LaRoche...I guess.

Griffey to White Sox for Nick Masset, Danny Richar and $$$. This deal was bizarre. The White Sox didn't need another outfielder and Griffey played in Chicago for only one year before returning to Seattle. Masset is "pitching" for Cincinnati and Danny Richar can be found at the track when he's not playing AAA ball in Louisville.

2007

Wonderkind Eric Gagne found a new home in Boston where he....still is?

Braves land Mark Teixeira, Ron Mahay, Octavio Dotel, and Royce Ring and give up Kyle Davies and Wil Ledezma. For all the hype surrounding this Teixeira deal, he didn't last much longer than a wet fart in Atlanta before cashing in and moving to NY.

The Padres are the proud owners of Morgan Ensberg and all they had to give up was a PTBNL. I'd say that's fair.

Matt Morris goes from the Padres to the Giants in exchange for Rajai Davis. My how the mighty have fallen. And he only made $9.5 million that year. Ha!

Tadahito Iguchi returns to his hometown of Philadelphia to plug the gap left by an injured Chase Utley. Has since been fitted for a ring.

2006

The Professor gets kicked out of Chicago once again but this time he heads to the west coast. I don't think anyone was happy to see Maddux leave, particularly when they saw we were getting Cesar Izturis in his place. I tried to find a picture of Izturis screwing something up by typing in his name, and subsequently typing in his name plus the word "bad". The same pictures came up. Go figure. Now you get nothing.

Julio Lugo joins the prodigal son in LA for the tune of Joel Guzman and Sergio Pedroza. Wait, the Dodgers traded FOR Lugo?

Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez to the Mets and Xavier Nady to the Pirates. Xavier felt it was in his best interests to get injured in a larger market and was later absorbed by the Yankees.

Bobby Abreu and Cory Lidle head to the big apple for CJ Henry, Carlos Monasterios, Jesus Sanchez, and Matt Smith from the Phillies. You suppose Corey ever crashes as Jesus' place? I'll let you take it from here.

Point / Counterpoint: CGI

White Chili, formerly Dave Thomas, checking in.

Computers have gifted recent directors with the tools necessary to bring us to worlds filled with dinosaurs, aliens, and armies of thousands. It used to be that all the actors in movies were actually human beings and creatures were either made of clay or costumes stacked with minorities trampling miniature cityscapes.


The Big Unit has seen better days
I remember when T2 came out and everyone first got a glimpse of the T1000. Holy Crap! Have you seen this boy? How about a clean pair of pants? Jurassic Park was made 16 G*d damn years ago and it still holds up as a masterpiece. All hail Stan Winston! And remember when Forrest Gump came out and people were excited when Tom Hanks dropped trou in front of the ACTUAL Lyndon B. Johnson? CGI has given us some of the most memorable moments in cinematic history. But if you abuse it, like any good thing, it's no longer special. Turkey dinner becomes a turkey sandwich.

The trick is to use CGI in conjunction with good acting and real props. Apollo 13 had some great computer generated scenes, but the actors also spent hours and hours inside one of NASA's planes dubbed the "vomit comet" that flies up and down to simulate zero G where they filmed all the space scenes a few minutes at a time. And what about Ghostbusters? Here's a movie made 25 years ago about ghosts that used almost zero computer effects. It's a good thing they're not going to brutally rape that series and sell yet another piece of my childhood back to me...........what's that? They're filming what?

And as for the other side of the story...

Go fuck yourself Michael Bay
And if that wasn't enough for you, here.

In Defense of...Public Urination

We’ve all been there.

The seal has been broken for quite some time. The last round of Jager bombs you and your friends ordered right before you pounded your beer and stumbled out the door doesn’t seem like such a good idea now, does it? It’s cold outside and you catch a glimpse of the long line in front of the next stop waiting for two people at a time to leak out the front door.

You are pee dancing your ass off.

You start to weigh your options and your definition of shame takes on new and interesting shapes. Finally your entire life boils down to a single harsh reality:

You tried to fight the good fight, but if you can’t find somewhere to piss in the next eight seconds, you will be the coolest person since Miles Davis.

You start to look for some shelter like an ant in a rainstorm. A dumpster, the outcrop of a building, a sleeping vagrant. Really anything will do, as long as it’s out of sight from The Man. Ladies, this is one of those time when life is truly unfair. And yet, I can personally vouch that some of you haven’t let this “inconvenience” stand in your way. In fact, standing has nothing to do with it.

Once you give your body the go-ahead, there is no turning back. A mad man holding your own mother hostage could not convince you to stop. Sex, riches, power...nothing even comes close to the satisfaction that you’re feeling at that moment. All done and it’s time to catch up to your friends.

“Where were you? Did you....did you pee in that veterans cemetery?”

You are God damn right I did.

And frankly, I don’t see what’s so bad about it. Urine is sterile. It’s not like I’m taking a dump in a playground. You’re probably doing more harm to the environment when you wash your car in your driveway. And what about people who walk their dogs? My street is given a fresh coat of dog pee three to four times a day.

It’s not civilized, you say? It’s what separates us from the animals? Go to any private golf club in America. Your gender or race might be banned, but peeing in the bushes? Put me down for a 5 and I’ll catch up with you on the tee box.

Public urination is the God-given right of every American. It’s really the only reason that guys go camping. Besides, if I hold it there’s a good chance I could get uromisotisis poisoning and die. Do you want that on your conscience? Think about it.

War Hero: 5 Hour Energy

I've never been a fan of Red Bull or any of the other energy drinks on the market. That is, unless they're mixed with booze. In that case, more Red Bull please. I began to ask myself, there has to be a product out there somewhere that gives me at least a quarter of my annual intake of vitamin B12 and fits in my pocket...but where?

Look no further.

5 hour energy is a 2oz combination of niacin, 40 mg of B6, 8333% of your recommended daily dosage of B12, and a host of other things. It only has the caffeine of one cup of coffee and it's safe for diabetics! Just like flying in planes!

Their website has a list of times when it's particularly useful to take this stuff:

Morning
After Lunch
Workouts
Sports
Travel
Weekends/Vacation

They have a particularly interesting quote about using the stuff to workout:

Many go to the gym and push it until the pain convinces them to call it quits. This is the point where a natural and healthy boost like caffeine can take it to the next level.

Maybe it's just me but when I'm working out and I start to feel pain, I stop. In fact, when I do anything and I start to feel pain I typically stop that thing I'm doing. Osi Umenyiora disagrees with me.

This stuff got me through a sleepless stretch of 48 hours in Vegas. Sure near the end of that trip I was dehydrated and would routinely twitch myself awake but that's probably standard operating procedure after taking in roughly 50000% of my daily allowance of B12 in a matter of days. I won't be sick for years. I am, however, a little concerned that in about 10 years I'll be sitting around watching my stories on daytime television and the commercials will be littered with ambulance-chasing legal jockeys asking if I or any of my immediate family members have suffered the horrible effects of 5 hour energy.

They claim that this product doesn't have the "crash effect" that some of the other leading brand of energy drinks leave you with. Here are their "clinical survey" results:


Here are the results of an equally scientific survey that I just performed:






After doing a little homework, I discovered that they're producing a new EXTRA STRENGTH 5 hour energy. This stuff has 25% more niacin, practically ensuring that you'll experience a "niacin flush" that they warn about on the label. Apparently it's perfectly safe but you may experience a warm sensation all over your body as your skin temporarily turns a slight shade of red. Seems normal to me.

Who knows what they'll come up with next?