Phil Nevin - RIP

Well, the Cubs finally traded Phil Nevin. Why they waited until the last possible day, we'll never know. Did they think his stock would rise? No, most likely, they just dished him off for two cents on the dollar (not that he's even worth a dollar). Obviously Phil Nevin would only garner a player to be named. To be honest, I'd almost rather not find out who that player is. Instead, we'll end the Phil Nevin experiment with a pleasant photo.

You Can't Sit the Thunder

Perusing the Cubs blogs this morning I came across this quick and dirty little post on GROTA. It made me realize that I should update my quick reference graphic for Dusty. So here it is.











Left-hander, Noah Lowry is slated to start on friday for the Giants. Dusty would have to have shit for brains to bench Thunder Matt. Check the splits.

Chaiming In

• The Cubs got swept by the Pirates. No joke needed. Just crickets.
• Dusty Baker has proven without a shadow of a doubt that he can't develop young players. I refuse to believe that all of our rookies suck, but lately it sure does look that way. Compare the Cubs youngsters to those of our cellar dwelling pals, the Pirates from Pittsburgh. If you're a Pirate fan (all twelve of you), you have to feel pretty good about the progress of Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny, Jose Bautista, Matt Capps and hell, even Chris Duffy. The Cubs? I mean honestly I don't see any of our young pitchers putting together enough solid performances to get me excited. Marmol, Guzman, Marshall, Mateo and Hill have all had their moments, but under the Dusty regime I just don't see any of them developing to anything more than number 4 or 5 starters. To quote Sheryl Crow, 'a change will do ya good.' Holy shit, I just quoted Sheryl Crow. On the offensive side, we have our hero, Thunder Matt, quietly coming into his own (no thanks to Dusty), but Ronny Cedeno is languishing on offense and looking like Yankees-era Chuck Knoblauch on defense. And can we please stop playing Freddy Bynum?
• Chien-Ming Wang has 16 wins. Who knew? I have him on my main fantasy team and even I had no idea!
• The WNBA Finals are taking place. Record ratings in the always key 35-48 year old lesbian demo.
• Snakes on a Disappointment. A renter. Instead, see Little Miss Sunshine, the little indie comedy that could. Who knew that an indie comedy would also be the summer's biggest crowd pleaser? "No one gets left behind!" After this and the criminally ignored The Matador, Greg Kinnear has certainly risen above 'that guy from Talk Soup' status. And if you don't think Steve Carell is funny, chances are you're in Al Qaeda.
• So I was watching Sportscenter tonight (I know, I know) and Stuart Scott breaks out the whole 'he drinkin' Hatorade' line. Uh, pretty sure that phrase was played out in 2002. I am quite possibly the whitest man alive and even I know that no self respecting black man ever dares utter that phrase in 2006. I've actually seen people on the streets savagely beaten for uttering that phrase, while passersby look on, nodding in approval. Hatorade? Is he gonna make a 'He Hate Me' joke too? Are we going XFL here? Jesus!
• Random raves: Butch Walker, avocado, uncomfortable silences, goat cheese, the 'Applebees scene' in Talladega Nights, the new Pete Yorn CD, reading at night, Ron and Pat's off subject banter during blowouts, margaritas, room service, tv shows on DVD, the president of Iran's ever-present tan jacket, good improv, great white sharks, Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
• Random Rants: Kevin Federline, You Tube, Curb Your Enthusiasm jumping the shark (loved the first three seasons, but the last two have really been subpar. They have their moments, but the whole Producers storyline in Season Four was gay and Season Five appeared to be just going through the motions, save for "The Seder" and "The Korean Bookie" episodes. Guess it still beats "Two and a Half Men"), communists, Emmy voters, celebrity gossip blogs, the worst basketball movie of all time - Crossover (the unintentional humor is off the charts...Wayne Brady as the evil agent with a goatee...remember goatees and/or smoking makes characters evil!), people who drink PBR because it's trendy-it tastes like piss! it tastes like piss!, people walking into a theatre a half hour or more into the movie, fast food, America's Got Talent, the Jon Benet Ramsey case, not getting paid overtime, getting swept by the Pirates.

Bartender Banter: Who's the worst?

Make no mistake, the Pittsburgh Pirates Chicago Cubs are the worst team in the National League. The Pirates, a mere 2.5 games behind the Cubs at least have a winning record at home. Ugh, I don't even have the heart to rant about this. Bottom line is, when you have the 7th highest payroll in the majors, and you post the 4th worst record in the league, rank 30th (that's last for those that can't count) in RBI's, and 6th in most runs allowed, somebody should be getting fired.

"But Chip, they suffered some key injuries early on that they just couldn't recover." Give me a break. Granted Prior, Wood, and Lee are important pieces to the puzzle, but honestly, how many more wins would they have really bought this team? There seems to be even less accountability in the Cubs disaster season than there was in the Hurricane Katrina relief debacle. Not to compare their season to a horrible natural disaster, but shit, someone man up and take some blame for this nonsense.

Ahh, there's not enough coffee to keep going this morning. I'll just hang my head and tune in to today's 11:35 game to hear the Cubs squander yet another one. It's baseball in the AM! Mateo vs. Santos! Cubs! Pirates! Feel the excitement!

Football is here....finally
Labor Day weekend is coming up, which means that football season has officially arrived. I can now focus some attention towards a couple of teams that know how to win. The Bears and the Hawkeyes. So pardon me while I attempt to alienate a chunk of our established readership by blathering about both these teams for a bit.

One positive for the Bears this season, is they won't be relying on that guy (pictured left) to lead the offense. The negative, Chicago's offense is still in the hands of papier-mache doll Rex Grossman. But its ok, we got a solid backup plan this year. So on opening day, when AJ Hawk looks at Grossman the wrong way causing his leg to fall off, we'll have the scrappy Brian Griese to take over. I feel a little bit better knowing our backup is good enough to start elsewhere and has some solid experience under his belt. No offense to Orton, but this team is ready to win now, and this offense can't rely on the defense for all its scores again.

More negative, the Bears offense has looked atrocious this preseason. I know its only preseason but they haven't looked sharp at all. We'll see if things start to come together on thursday against Cleveland. Chicago has two solid running backs in veteran Thomas Jones and second-year stud Cedric Benson. Jones looked outstanding in the first half last season, but injuries took their toll later on. The Bears receivers will have a better QB throwing to them this year, so hopefully Muhsin Muhammad and company will find the end zone a little more. Also look out for WR Mark Bradley to emerge. He's getting some buzz.

Defensively the Bears should still be solid. It'll be hard to repeat last year's performance, but Brian Urlacher, Mike Brown and the rest of the gang are still the biggest strong point of this squad.

The Bears start the season at Lambeau Field, which will be a tough opening act. I look for the Green Bay crowd to be relentless and Favre to have one of his monster games in what could be his last opening day start, as the Pack humiliates us. Then all week the media will question whether the Bears are all they're cracked up to be followed up by them destroying the Lions in Week 2.

Now on to the Hawkeyes. I have a little higher hopes for the Hawks than I do for the Bears this year, and I'm not the only one. ESPN has been dry-humping the Hawks even more than they usually do and they're picked by several media outlets to vie for the Big Ten title.

First off you couldn't ask for a better schedule. 7 home games and 5 road games. Of the 5 road games the only one of real consequence is October 21 when they head to Ann Arbor. Other than that, they have to visit Syracuse, Illinois, Indiana, and Minnesota, none of which should be a terrible threat. They're biggest test will be September 30 when they face the Buckeyes at Kinnick.

But lets not get too far ahead of ourselves here. There's a game early on that means just as much to every Hawkeye fan than any Big Ten matchup. Of course I'm talking about Iowa State. This season will mean nothing to me if they fail to beat the Sucklones.

The Hawkeye offense will be led by senior QB Drew Tate, who's getting some preseason Heisman hype. Tate has been a solid signal caller for Iowa and is great at throwing on the run, making him a tough guy for defenses to get to. Running the ball will be Albert Young who ran for 1334 yards last season as a sophomore. The Hawkeye receivers are a little young but Tate will get help from a solid stable of tight ends led by senior Scott Chandler.

On defense the Hawks have two huge holes to fill at linebacker with the absence of Abdul Hodge and Chad Greenway. But their defensive line looks to be a real threat to QB's most in part to defensive end Kenny Iwebema. The defensive backfield is led by senior Marcus Paschal.

This is Kenny. He eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

Anyway, its shaping up to be an exciting fall. Here's to the Bears in the Super Bowl, the Hawks in a BCS bowl, and the Cubs management getting fired!

The All-80's Team - NL Third Basemen

Astroturf, powder blue uniforms, wearing batting helmets in the field to protect your jheri curl, hitting 25 homers and being considered a legitimate slugger, big-league hair, that horrible gum from packs of baseball cards.... who doesn't love baseball from the 80's? Over the next several weeks I will be looking at the best players of the decade as we assemble the TMS All-80's Team. We will start with the National League and then we'll tackle the American. To meet the criteria a player will have to have played in at least 4 seasons in the 1980's and they must have played the bulk of their games at a certain position during that time to qualify there. Included will be a poll on the left sidebar, so our faithful readers can weigh in on this great debate. But remember, we're focusing on a player's contributions in just the 1980's. What they did in the decades before and/or after are not being considered in this.

Last week we tackled the NL 2B. Ryne Sandberg won the online poll and has been named the starting 2B to the TMS All-80's National League Team.

NATIONAL LEAGUE THIRD BASE

Bobby Bonilla
Pittsburgh Pirates (1986-89)

Nickname: Bobby-Bo
All-Star: 1988-89
Silver Sluggers: 1988

Notes: Bonilla got his start late in the 1980's as a third basemen for Pittsburgh. He emerged as one of the premier sluggers at the hot corner and with Barry Bonds, made up one half of the feared Killer B's.








Bob Horner
Atlanta Braves (1980-86), St. Louis Cardinals (1988)

All-Star: 1982
Postseason: 1982 NLCS

Notes: Horner would've probably been better suited as a DH in the American League, but in the early to mid-80's he was a heavy hitting 3B for the Atlanta Braves. Plagued with injuries, Horner spent one season in Japan before coming back with the Cardinals in 1988. He hung it up after that. On July 6, 1986 Horner hit four home runs in a single game. That feat would not be seen again until 7 years later when Hard Hittin' Mark Whiten hit 4 in a game with the Cardinals.






Ron Cey
Los Angeles Dodgers (1980-82), Chicago Cubs (1983-86)

Nickname: The Penguin
Awards: 1981 WS MVP, NL Babe Ruth Award, 1982 Lou Gehrig Award
Postseason: 1981 WS, 1984 NLCS

Notes: While the Penguin had his best years a decade earlier in LA, he still managed to crank out a few good seasons with the Cubs. Cey led the team in home runs in 1983 and 84. In 1981 Ron shared the World Series MVP with fellow teammates Pedro Guerrero and Steve Yeager.






Howard Johnson
New York Mets (1985-89)

Nickname: HoJo
All-Star: 1989
Silver Sluggers: 1989
NL Leader: 1989 Runs (104)

Notes: Remember Howard Johnson? No, not the crappy hotel chain but the player. HoJo became a slugging force for the Mets in the latter part of the decade. Johnson also has two World Series rings despite not really participating much in either. With the Tigers in '84 and with the Mets in '86, he went a combined
0 for 6 at the plate with 2 strikeouts.






Bill Madlock
Pittsburgh Pirates (1980-85), Los Angeles Dodgers (1985-87)

All-Star: 1981, 1983
Postseason: 1985 NLCS
NL Leader: 1981 AVG (.341), 1983 AVG (.323)

Notes: The Pirate fans really came out for Johnny Ray last week. We'll see if Bill Madlock gets some love too. Madlock was an outstanding hitter for the Bucs in the early part of the 80's, garnering 2 batting titles in the process. In 1985 the Pirates shipped Madlock to the Dodgers for some players to be named later. Those players ended up being R.J. Reynolds, Cecil Espy and the infamous Sid Bream.




Terry Pendleton
St. Louis Cardinals (1984-89)

Gold Gloves: 1987, 1989
Postseason: 1985 WS, 1987 WS

Notes: Before his MVP caliber seasons in Atlanta, Terry spent his days playing 3B for St. Louis. A solid gloveman, Pendleton racked up two Gold Gloves for the Cards and helped lead them to two World Series appearances. Pendleton appeared in 5 World Series' total in his career, never winning one of them.







Mike Schmidt
Philadelphia Phillies (1980-89)

All-Star: 1980-84, 1986-87, 1989
Hall of Fame: Inducted in 1995
Awards: 1980 NL MVP, WS MVP, 1981 NL MVP, 1983 Lou Gehrig Award, 1986 NL MVP
Gold Gloves: 1980-84, 1986
Silver Sluggers: 1980-84, 1986
Postseason: 1980 WS, 1981 NLDS, 1983 WS
NL Leader: 1980 SLG....ah Christ! There's too much to list. Just go here if you're interested.

Notes: If there was ever a poll that probably didn't need to happen for this it'd be at NL 3B. Mike Schmidt absolutely buries the competition here. Plus look at that photo. The 'stache the Mike Brady hair. Chicks and dudes alike dug Schmitty.





Tim Wallach
Montreal Expos (1980-89)

All-Star: 1984-85, 1987, 1989
Awards: 1980 NLCS MVP
Gold Gloves: 1985, 1988
Silver Sluggers: 1985, 1987
Postseason: 1981 NLCS
NL Leader: 1987 Doubles (42), 1989 Doubles (42)

Notes: Looking at all the stats and what not, I'd say that if Mike Schmidt wasn't on this list, Tim Wallach would probably be the front-runner. Tim quietly put up good numbers throughout the 80's and had a great glove to back it up. One of those guys that played the bulk of their career in Montreal that probably didn't get as much recognition as he should.





Be sure and vote for your choice of NL Third Basemen for the TMS All-80's Team. Check out the poll in the left sidebar.

Go to hell

Go to hell Gary Bennett. Just go to hell.

A View From the Top

A wise man once said 'Better to be lucky than good' (I think it was one of the two Corey's). Considering I've never been good at much, save for being good at not being good at anything (huh?), Wednesday night, I was one lucky bastard.

When you get a call asking, "Hey do you want to come to the Cubs game and sit in the press box?", you don't say "Well let me think about it. 'Project Runway' is on tonight and it can't be missed!" No, you try to remain calm and say, "Wow, sure that would be great", while thinking to yourself, 'Are you fucking serious?'

So my wife and I were ushered rock star style through the Cubs administrative offices, past a pair of sizable but gentle security guards, up a few flights of stairs and into the hallway that leads to press land. A press cafeteria sat empty on the right hand side of the hall, and then lining the left side of the hallway are all of the press boxes. Small, bare bones rooms that can fit between 2-4 people, each equipped with simple rolling chairs, a counter and tv monitor tuned into the game. There are glass partitions separating the booths on the side, with an open air view of the field in front of you.We took our seats in the very first booth, normally reserved for Andy McPhail himself. The only drawbacks are that A) you can't drink alcohol and B) since you are right next to the radio booth you can't cheer loudly. Golf claps and utterances of 'jolly good play chaps, jolly good' are encouraged.

Immediately to our right sat Andy Masur and then a rotating cast of 'dudes', one of whom looked like he could be Bob Brenly's hard living brother. Next to them and only twenty feet over in the next booth were the legendary Pat and Ron. Throughout the game we would look over at Pat and Ron and without fail, every time we looked over one of the 'dudes' from the booth next to us would look at us. "Dude, we're not looking at you jackass. Pay attention to the game and do your damn job and just let me fucking gawk a bit would ya?" Besides a killer view of the game, here are a few highlights.

• Ron Santo eating a apple. Green. Best guess would be Granny Smith.
• Pat would stand up and stretch his legs during commercial breaks. At one point my wife Katy glanced up at Pat mid-stretch, to which he acknowledged her with a wave and a smile. You would have thought that Justin Timberlake had just offered to make sweet love to her and/or take her to Applebees. Quote of the night: When I told Katy that now she had to get Ron to wave, she replied, "I don't care, Pat is better looking anyway."
• When Bobby Howry gave up the go ahead double in the ninth inning, Ron took off his headset just so he could utter a few choice curse words without being heard. Classic. The man's passion for this team is not an act. For better or worse he wears his emotions on his sleeve and lives and dies with this team, weather they are in the thick of a pennant race or 13 games out and playing for next year.
• Our own Matt Murton tying the game on a 8th inning opposite field blast. The perfect time for a 'Thunder Matt' chant, thwarted by the 'no cheering' rule. Don't want to incur the wrath of Brenly's hard drinking brother. The guy had on a shit kicking ring and looked adept at using a broken bottle as a weapon. Would it have been wrong to run into Ron and Pat's booth and start chanting with my shirt off?
• Ballpark Nachos.
• Having to step out of the box for five minutes at the beginning of the game because Billy Williams had to use the phone in there. "What, I'm not leaving...who do you think you are? Billy who? The Hall of Fame? Shut up. Hall of Fame huh? Don't you know who I am? I take the bus to work Billy Boy!"
• Angel Guzman pitching pretty, pretty, pretty well. (Curb Your Enthusiasm reference anyone?) Too bad the Cubs rookie pitchers are more inconsistent than Andy Dick's sexuality.

These photos were taken from my camera phone, which doesn't really do justice to the view and makes things look much farther away than they actually are. But you get the drift.
So there you have it. There are a lot of 'Cubs blogs' out there that will give you your basic 'average Joe on the couch perspective'. But no other Cubs blog gives you the pressbox perspective like Thunder Matt's Saloon. These are the lengths we go to to satiate our 6 loyal readers. (Hi mom!) Throughout this season and next look for other unique perspectives as we bring you live reports from Ron Santo's kitchen, Moises Alou's motorcycle, a bathroom stall at Merkle's, Dusty Baker's dreams, and a comprehensive comparative analysis of Red Ivy vs. The Ivy (which bar would you rather pass out in?)
Now, if I can only somehow get a spot next to Dusty and get my hands on that lineup card...

Ron Santo, third person over, loves swearing and apples.

Cubs help Phils back into Wild Card Race

After the Abreu trade, most people had left the Phillies for dead. Instead they've become yet another case study in the Ewing Theory, going 15-7 in the month of August so far. And thanks to their recent roadtrip to Wrigley, Philadelphia finds themselves only 1.5 games behind the Reds for the Wild Card.

Today the Phillies, looking to get the sweep, will face an uphill challenge as Chaz Zambrano takes the mound against them. But Philly has an ace up their sleeve as well in Cole Hamels. The 6' 4" manchild will face the Cubs for the very first time, and we all know what that means. Just like John Maine was like an enchanted unicorn, mystifying the Cub batters back in July, Hamels will be a hulking left-handed minotaur tossing 8 innings of one-run ball against us. I say one run because you know Thunder Matt will launch one again. The guy eats pieces of shit like Hamels for breakfast. Pieces of shit meaning left-handed pitchers.

So Neifi's gone and Cesar! is hurt. Which means we've officially gone from a three-headed monster of Walker-Perez-Hairston to start the season to a three-headed monster of Theriot-Bynum-Coats. Yes folks, the Buck Coats era has begun. Buck Coats. That sounds like a made-up name you'd use while talking to a girl at a bar. Kind of like Chip Wesley. It just sounds phony. But hey, at least we don't have a washed-up aging vet in the trio this time. Where's Tony Womack Dusty? Or could we dig up some other fossil? What's Carlos Baerga up to these days?

I'll close with some random notes about nothing.

• The other morning I briefly caught a snippet of the basebrawl involving the Angels and Rangers on Sportscenter. All excited, I jumped on the MLB website when I got to work to find the video of it. All I gotta say is, weak. That was the worst bench-clearing "brawl" I've ever seen. The best part was the announcers making fun of Scott Feldman for throwing his punches sidearm as well. Seriously what happened to good old-fashioned fisticuffs on the field? I think every team needs a Kyle Farnsworth/Robert Fick type of player just to keep things lively. The benches clear, some minor scuffling occurs and things seem to settle down when BOOM! Farnsworth body slams the bullpen catcher for no reason whatsoever and all hell breaks loose.
• Our fantasy football draft is this weekend and I've hardly begun to prepare. Right now I know that I should draft a RB first and Marshall Faulk is good and...what? Ahh shit.
• Thanks to ESPN for playing out the college football season for us already. I can't wait to cheer the Hawkeyes on in the mythical football playoffs. Seriously, the nutsack on them to pull this after we had to endure a frickin' month of "Is the '05 USC team better than this historic team" last season. It became like some sophisticated version of Bill Swerski's Super Fans. "Eh, I'm gonna say 2005 Trojans 145, 1971 Cornhuskers 3." Hey guys, usually to be considered one of the greatest college teams ever, you need to win the National Title first.
• Our household has recently discovered the wonderful reality shows on A&E. Two big thumbs up for Dog the Bounty Hunter and Gene Simmons: Family Jewels. Dog seems to be A&E's bread and butter as its on all the frickin' time, kind of like Trading Spaces was on TLC a few years ago (What? No I didn't watch Trading Spaces....er....shut up!). Its just hard to explain Dog properly. Lots of mullets, chasing fugitives, and praying to Jesus. What's best though is that they wrap things up into nice 30 minute shows. So your attention span can be that of the meth addict they're busting and you can still enjoy it.

Free Floating Hostility

I've got some news, notes, and random nonsense thats been ratting around in my head, but can't write an entire post about any of them. So in the spirit of Bartender Banter, Chaiming In, and Larry King's News and Views, here is Free Floating Hostility (thanks to George Carlin, I'm wearing my brown ribbon man):

Shawn Green is now a Met. I say there’s a good week of Greenie grounding into double plays at crucial points of the game before the Mets faithful start booing him mercilessly. Also, the Mets play the Nationals on Yom Kippur, so get ready for at least two weeks of “will he or won’t he” - he won’t.

6’8” little leaguers are not OK…ever. I don’t care if they’re pseudo-Saudis or not.

We’re coming close to a time when we really have to buckle down and decide if 500 HR’s gets you into the Hall of Fame or not. Carlos Delgado hit 400 today. Four more so-so years and he’s at 500. Delgado shouldn’t even be allowed to buy a ticket into the hall.

Chan Ho Park is now on the DL for intestinal bleeding. He also gave up two grand slams in one inning to Fernando Tatis.

A company named Pink Taco is bidding for the naming rights to the Arizona Cardinals' new stadium. Insert lesbian joke here. Looking the way it does, Jiffy Pop would be the most logical choice.

I like the band Keane, but seriously, the singer is way too much of a pussy to need rehab. Rehab is for bad asses like Axl Rose, Robert Downey Junior, and Betty Ford. Also, you're British, you're expected to have an alcohol problem.

Speaking of the British, they're absolutely ecstatic that "petrol" has dropped to 95p per litre. This works out to $6.79 per gallon, so shut the fuck up about paying $3.

Tom Cruise was essentially fired today. Thunder Matt's own Brant Brown is devastated.

Finally, some guy at the Cleveland Plain Dealer wrote this gem comparing the debate over whether or not Pluto should be considered a planet to whether Barry Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame. Don't worry Cleveland, you'll soon have something to do when you're buried under 20 feet of snow or your septic tank of a river catches fire again.

We're in the Army Now

Well its official. After some routine pestering and badgering by yours truly, we've finally been admitted to the Cubs Blog Army. A big ThunderMatt thanks to Byron for adding us. If all it took was having Neifi whacked, we would've tried it sooner.

At long last the Saloon now joins the ranks alongside some outstanding Cubs blogs. I can only speculate, but this new membership should increase our general readership from about 14 to perhaps around 22.

No More Neifi

Thank you Placido Polanco. Its because of you and your seperated shoulder that we can finally say good riddance to Neifi "El Sapo Gordo" Perez. I've been waiting for this day for quite some time and given the current sorry state of the Cubs, I was overjoyed when I found out they sent him to Detroit.

So what did Cubs get in return? A sack of baseballs? A firm handshake and a beer? A coffee mug that says "World's Greatest Grandpa"? Nope, they got minor league catcher, and lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson. Robinson is an Illinois native and has spent this season in high-A ball, playing for the Lakeland Tigers of the Florida State League. The change of scenery will be good for Chris as he looks to move on from his recent breakup with wife Kate Hudson.

So long Neifi. Now I can officially focus all of my hatred towards Roberto Novoa and Phil Nevin.

Chaiming In

After a long layoff fraught with hangovers, danger and evenings with Kenan Thompson (insert 'Good Burger' joke here, please), I am back with my daily dose of what I like to consider wit, but most consider filth and slander. Let's start out by talking about two dangerous predators looking to take a bite out of yo' ass (I am so white) this weekend...cardinals and snakes.

• The Cardinals invade Wrigley this weekend. So it's a 'friendly' rivalry they tell me. Well St. Louians, you can take your khaki shorts with the red polos tucked in (you know who you are), your Anheuser Busch, your moustaches, your fucking navy blue hats with red bills and your 'ARC-itecture' and shove it up your ass. One of my greatest Cubs memories was in 2004 in the strech drive, where sitting behind home plate I watched Shawn 'Motherfucking' Estes dismantle your brood of pill popping, needle injecting, size 8 hat wearing ne'r-do-wells. But the greatest thing ever occurred when a Cards fan, all of about 5'7, 150 lbs soaking wet tried to pick a fight with a Cubs fan who I recall as being a dead wringer for Andre the Giant. In fact, I think it was Andre the Giant. Is he dead? If so, God rest his soul and I apologize for the 'dead wringer' remark, but if not, then shit, pretty sweet seeing him at a Cubs game. Anyway, this Cards fan tries to knock the Andre's hat off and Andre just punches him in the face. Boom! Andre the Giant, Shawn Estes and the Cubs beating the Cards in front of a packed house down the stretch. I went into a joy coma.
• "Snakes on a Plane" opens this weekend. Consider it your patriotic duty to see this film. While the initial irony of all it has long since worn thin, I will still slap down my 10 dollars (ok, that's a lie, I get into movies free) just to hear Sam Jackson utter the line of the year, "Get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!" to the eruption of a packed theatre audience. I mean, even if this movie is bad, it will still be good. That doesn't make sense but you get the drift. I read some early user reviews on IMDB, and the early reports from the late screenings seem to be overwhelmingly positive. The best line was from someone who said, "Snakes on a Plane is so good it makes The Godfather look like The Shaggy DA." Ha! Nice. They could have went for the obvious (The Shaggy Dog) but instead throw in a reference to obscure sequel. The Shaggy DISTRICT ATTORNEY! Fucking Tim Conway. Before Snakes on Plane there was...the Shaggy DA.
• It's a damn shame that the Cubs Blog Army hasn't been updated, if for no other reason than to include Thunder Matt and expose us to the masses. A glaring omission (a travesty if you will) on par with KISS not being in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. And if we were to assign KISS related identities to Saloon members, I of course would be Gene, the Guvna' would be Eric Singer (much more proficient AND affable than Peter Criss), Chip would be Paul and last but not least Brant filling the role of 'Ace Frehley, lead geeeetaaahh!' I really had to resist throwing in a Mark St. John reference. Oh, and I guess Chi-Town Girl could be Shannon Tweed.
• Went to sell my Saturday bleacher tickets a few weekends ago...they offered me $20. Wow. Didn't see that coming. It was only 2 years ago around the same time that my brother and I tried to scalp tickets and the guy wanted $125 bucks apiece. My brother looked him straight in the eye (or as straight as 3 Bloody Marys and a wicked hangover would allow) and said "I hope you burn in hell." Those same sentiments could be applied the $20 lowball.
• The photo insert feature on blogger.com can officially kiss my ass. It's like the internet version of whiskey dick. It just doesn't work.
• Summer in Chicago. So great. For those of you that haven't tried it, fuck it, move here for 5 months, then get the hell out before winter comes. As the one true Chicagoan (via Iowa transplant, I concede) at the Saloon (LA, really?), I will put my city up against all comers. Quad Cities, you want a piece?
• Fearless prediction. The Cubs take 2 out of 3 against the Cardinals, "Snakes" grosses $30 million at the box office and the wheels are put in motion for a sequel...and after an unfortunate contract snafu, Sam backs out and is replaced by...Danny Glover. Who starred in the Lethal Weapon series with...Mel Gibson. Six degrees of Mel Gibson! Wait, I don't think I did that right. Oh well. Better than Roberto Novoa I suppose.

Skipping Work for Baseball

One of the only things more American than baseball itself is the fun of skipping work to attend a day game. When someone calls you up and tells you they have tickets, you go. There's no debate.

Knowing full well the Dodgers have a nasty habit of losing when I attend (something like 8 or 9 in a row now), I knew I was gambling with their hot play. Of course, if ever there was a time for them to win when I went, its in the middle of an incredible hot streak against the AAA Marlins.

That didn't quite work out...Mark Hendrickson started and gave up seven runs in a few innings of work. If ever there was an example of a guy winning his job because he's left handed, its Hendrickson. Then Sele, Carrara, and Beimel gave up 8 more for good measure. In the end, it was a 15-4 bloodbath, with Julio "I'm a god damned shortstop" Lugo committing three errors in the process.

Honestly, if I'm going to attend a loss, I'd prefer this type. Just get your brains beaten in quickly so we can have some fun with it. Seventy-five degrees, clear as a bell, Dodger dogs, nachos, and the LA eye candy we've come to expect walking around the stadium. I'll take that over work anyday.

There was a crowd of 42,000ish when it started, but by the time I decided to be an asshole and whip out the camera phone, it had thinned out considerably (11 run defecits will do that).